1 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:08,513 # Ah-ah 2 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:13,037 # Don't let them go, don't let them go 3 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:17,151 # Take a beautiful dream and let it show 4 00:00:17,199 --> 00:00:20,714 # Don't let them go, don't let them go 5 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:25,785 # Take a beautiful dream and let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow 6 00:00:25,838 --> 00:00:30,787 # Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na 7 00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:34,947 # Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow # 8 00:00:42,957 --> 00:00:46,394 - What are we calling this, then? - Men who look like old lesbians. 9 00:00:47,677 --> 00:00:50,191 Ta-da! 10 00:00:50,237 --> 00:00:51,670 The Muffia? 11 00:00:51,717 --> 00:00:53,549 Jon Voight. Denis Leary. 12 00:00:53,597 --> 00:00:55,986 Phil Spector. Tony Curtis. 13 00:00:56,037 --> 00:00:58,790 Why do they all look like spinster Aunt Pat, 14 00:00:58,836 --> 00:01:02,988 who wore slacks, never married and had a close personal friend called Jean? 15 00:01:03,035 --> 00:01:05,948 They've all had eye lifts? 16 00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:12,148 Note to self. Leave from here to here to nature. 17 00:01:12,195 --> 00:01:15,266 There's nothing wrong with looking like a dyke, you know. 18 00:01:15,314 --> 00:01:17,704 Tell that to Chastity Bono. 19 00:01:17,755 --> 00:01:19,745 Sacha, no! 20 00:01:26,075 --> 00:01:28,907 Simon, it's Just a vayse. 21 00:01:28,954 --> 00:01:30,831 It's a vaaase. 22 00:01:30,874 --> 00:01:33,387 (Cod English accent) Simon, it's Just a vase. 23 00:01:34,514 --> 00:01:36,072 Do you know what you're saying? 24 00:01:36,114 --> 00:01:42,348 # Love, shine a light in every corner of my heart... 25 00:01:42,392 --> 00:01:46,466 I wasn't always a slightly fey window dresser in glamorous New York. 26 00:01:46,513 --> 00:01:49,743 I was a slightly fey schoolboy in humdrum Reading. 27 00:01:49,792 --> 00:01:54,105 So, when I saw something even remotely glamorous, I coveted it, 28 00:01:54,153 --> 00:01:58,145 believing that possessing it would make me more glamorous, too. 29 00:01:58,192 --> 00:01:59,990 How'd you get on at school today, son? 30 00:02:01,592 --> 00:02:04,424 You have to remember this was a very long time ago, 31 00:02:04,471 --> 00:02:08,750 so there was no such thing as Heat magazine or The X Factor. 32 00:02:08,792 --> 00:02:11,864 As deprived children, we had to make our own fun, 33 00:02:11,912 --> 00:02:15,267 particularly with pig-ugly student teachers. 34 00:02:15,311 --> 00:02:18,667 Miss? Who cut your hair, Miss? The council? 35 00:02:21,952 --> 00:02:24,545 Where'd you get your dress, Miss? 36 00:02:24,590 --> 00:02:25,819 Oxfam? 37 00:02:26,951 --> 00:02:29,180 That's my best friend, Kylie. 38 00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:31,266 More of him later. 39 00:02:32,789 --> 00:02:35,908 Miss, are those shoes, Miss, or Cornish pasties? 40 00:02:37,669 --> 00:02:39,547 Where'd you get your voice from, poof? 41 00:02:40,469 --> 00:02:42,061 Gays'R'Us? 42 00:02:43,550 --> 00:02:49,261 Well, the winner of the essay competition... is Simon Doonan. 43 00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:51,106 (All) You? 44 00:02:51,150 --> 00:02:54,027 - What was this essay about, lover? - My family. 45 00:02:54,069 --> 00:02:57,299 Did you hear that, Hayls? He's written an essay about us. 46 00:02:57,348 --> 00:03:01,101 Do you know a Melody Crescent? She used to be in All Saints. 47 00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:05,060 She left when she stubbed her toe on Shaznay's mum's crazy paving. 48 00:03:05,787 --> 00:03:07,300 Go, girlfriend! 49 00:03:08,547 --> 00:03:11,937 Melody Crescent is the street where I live, here in Reading, 50 00:03:11,987 --> 00:03:14,705 with my very slim Aunty Hayley, who's also blind. 51 00:03:14,746 --> 00:03:17,387 Though she's not really my aunty, 52 00:03:17,427 --> 00:03:19,418 and she's not really very slim. 53 00:03:20,187 --> 00:03:22,654 Just enJoy the playfulness of his syntax, sweetheart. 54 00:03:25,867 --> 00:03:27,538 Then there's my sister, Ashlene. 55 00:03:27,586 --> 00:03:30,304 She's been with every lad in our street. 56 00:03:30,345 --> 00:03:35,101 In fact, I once heard my mum say, "She's got more exes than Littlewoods Pools." 57 00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:41,293 I ain't been with every lad. I ain't been with... Backward Frank. 58 00:03:42,745 --> 00:03:45,703 My dad's a plumber, so when my mum's out at work, 59 00:03:45,746 --> 00:03:49,054 he has a good look at all the women in our street's pipes. 60 00:03:49,105 --> 00:03:52,177 You filthy minded little beggar! 61 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:58,820 And last, but by no means least, my mum. 62 00:03:58,866 --> 00:04:00,617 My Mum's name is Debbie. 63 00:04:00,665 --> 00:04:03,462 She bleaches her hair and drinks gin. 64 00:04:04,704 --> 00:04:08,777 Only because I won a year's free supply in a poetry writing competition. 65 00:04:09,543 --> 00:04:11,534 It's true. 66 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:15,292 Gin, gin, where do I begin? 67 00:04:15,343 --> 00:04:18,813 Having you inside me is like an old friend popping in. 68 00:04:18,863 --> 00:04:21,854 I wonder if Philip Larkin ever wore stripes. 69 00:04:22,703 --> 00:04:26,854 In fact, she and my dad drank so much when they got married, 70 00:04:27,663 --> 00:04:29,494 they can't remember what date it was. 71 00:04:29,543 --> 00:04:31,851 - You don't half exaggerate. - When was it, then? 72 00:04:31,902 --> 00:04:34,211 - June 14th. - May 8th. 73 00:04:35,303 --> 00:04:37,577 Pour me a little glass. My nerves are shot to bits. 74 00:04:39,621 --> 00:04:43,774 Actually, no. My son obviously thinks I have a problem with the sauce. 75 00:04:43,822 --> 00:04:46,494 So I shall prove him wrong. Make me a cup of tea. 76 00:04:46,541 --> 00:04:50,419 A nice, sweet, soothing cup of non-alcoholic tea. 77 00:04:50,461 --> 00:04:53,656 Mother, my essay wasn't a criticism. 78 00:04:53,699 --> 00:04:56,579 It was a statement of fact, pure and simple. 79 00:04:56,620 --> 00:05:00,249 You think I can't live without gin? Fine, I'll show you. 80 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,937 I shall give up alcohol for a week. 81 00:05:01,981 --> 00:05:07,896 You watch. I can do it. One week off the booze, starting now. 82 00:05:07,939 --> 00:05:12,455 My mother had a history of helping people to stop doing things. 83 00:05:12,499 --> 00:05:17,857 Aunty Hayley used to be hooked, not only on classics, but also on amphetamines. 84 00:05:17,898 --> 00:05:20,094 (Tchaikovsky: 1812 Overture) 85 00:05:21,057 --> 00:05:24,257 She'd moved in with us so Mum could help wean her off them. 86 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,493 - She stopped my dad from swearing. - Handball! 87 00:05:32,538 --> 00:05:34,493 - Bollocks! - Ah ah! 88 00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:40,691 She stopped me from biting my nails. 89 00:05:45,897 --> 00:05:48,171 She stopped Ashlene snogging ugly lads. 90 00:05:48,216 --> 00:05:52,972 (Feedback howls) Ashlene Doonan, move away from the spotty geek. 91 00:05:53,018 --> 00:05:55,007 Move away from the spotty geek. 92 00:05:57,017 --> 00:06:01,090 She didn't stop Pauline Fowler from having poker-straight hair and a dour demeanour. 93 00:06:02,776 --> 00:06:06,690 So could she stop herself from becoming Reading's answer to Oliver Reed? 94 00:06:06,737 --> 00:06:10,968 You know, I have to say, this no-drinking lark is going really, really well. 95 00:06:11,016 --> 00:06:14,370 I've had no sudden cravings, I ain't fell off no wagon, 96 00:06:14,414 --> 00:06:16,929 and I'm getting a lot of support from Michael Barrymore. 97 00:06:16,975 --> 00:06:20,125 "It's All About Me, Alwright." Bless! 98 00:06:20,174 --> 00:06:23,326 Debbie, you only knocked it on the head 30 seconds ago. 99 00:06:23,375 --> 00:06:25,650 One day at a time, Hayley. One day at a time. 100 00:06:26,615 --> 00:06:31,051 When I grew up, Saturdays were known for kids' TV and hair experimentation. 101 00:06:31,093 --> 00:06:33,085 Ow! Simon, that hurts. 102 00:06:33,135 --> 00:06:37,286 You know what they say about topknots, Ashlene? No pain, no gain. 103 00:06:37,335 --> 00:06:39,484 #... oh, what a beautiful day! 104 00:06:39,534 --> 00:06:41,445 - How did you sleep, babe? - Like a log. 105 00:06:41,494 --> 00:06:44,132 And it is so lovely to wake up without a hangover. 106 00:06:45,252 --> 00:06:47,606 Not that I ever had them in the first place. 107 00:06:47,651 --> 00:06:50,120 Aunty Hayley always gave her dogs the oddest of names. 108 00:06:50,173 --> 00:06:52,687 Mummy! 109 00:06:52,732 --> 00:06:55,451 Sorry. What time is it? 110 00:06:55,491 --> 00:06:57,242 Time you got a guide dog that can see. 111 00:06:57,291 --> 00:07:00,920 - Quarter to eleven. - I'm going slightly gaga. 112 00:07:00,971 --> 00:07:04,282 I'm going to a gathering today of the Granola Guru, Gaylord Greenstein, 113 00:07:04,332 --> 00:07:06,323 at the Gurt Gordon Greenpeace Gallery. 114 00:07:06,372 --> 00:07:09,442 I gather he's gorgeous. I wouldn't mind giving him a good going over. 115 00:07:10,651 --> 00:07:13,847 Aunty Hayley was brought to you today by the letter G. 116 00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:17,884 And Simon, I thought about what you said, and I am going to lose weight. 117 00:07:19,971 --> 00:07:22,803 - You are there, aren't you, Simon? - Erm... Yes. 118 00:07:22,850 --> 00:07:26,206 - I thought I could smell your Egoist. - Oh, here we go. 119 00:07:26,250 --> 00:07:29,161 Surely you remember my family's favourite advert? 120 00:07:29,210 --> 00:07:30,325 Ego. Iste! 121 00:07:30,569 --> 00:07:32,322 Ego. Iste! 122 00:07:32,571 --> 00:07:34,241 Ego. Iste! 123 00:07:34,491 --> 00:07:35,604 Ego. Iste! 124 00:07:35,850 --> 00:07:37,726 Ego. Iste! 125 00:07:38,289 --> 00:07:40,281 (All) Ego. Iste! 126 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,838 I often wonder where I get my creativity from. 127 00:07:46,890 --> 00:07:50,643 Possibly it was my father's ability to turn parsnips, marmalade 128 00:07:50,689 --> 00:07:56,365 and rumour has it, on one occasion, even KYJelly, into homemade wine. 129 00:07:56,408 --> 00:07:58,524 I'm taking the kids out. 130 00:08:01,728 --> 00:08:05,767 My mum wasn't so much creative as, well, two-faced. 131 00:08:05,808 --> 00:08:08,367 - Hi, Debbie. - Hi, Reba. 132 00:08:09,368 --> 00:08:10,641 Slut. 133 00:08:10,687 --> 00:08:12,722 - All right, Kylie? - Girl power! 134 00:08:12,766 --> 00:08:16,396 Don't call him Kylie. He's Kyle, innit? 135 00:08:16,447 --> 00:08:18,836 So... Kylie. 136 00:08:18,887 --> 00:08:23,755 His real name was Kyle, but he only ever answered to the name of his idol. 137 00:08:23,806 --> 00:08:26,366 We did everything together. 138 00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:28,795 Everything that normal lads do - 139 00:08:28,846 --> 00:08:31,520 pretended to be Canadian in public places... 140 00:08:31,566 --> 00:08:35,115 This sure does feel a long way from Vancouver, buddy. 141 00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:36,961 Yaah! 142 00:08:37,004 --> 00:08:40,792 ... worked out complex dance routines to '80s floor fillers... 143 00:08:40,845 --> 00:08:42,961 # Relax, don't do it 144 00:08:43,005 --> 00:08:44,995 # When you want to come 145 00:08:45,045 --> 00:08:51,483 And our favourite game, doling out unwanted fashion advice to the proletariat of Reading. 146 00:08:51,524 --> 00:08:53,832 Ditch the fringe, love. It ain't working. 147 00:08:55,564 --> 00:08:58,442 Eugh! Camel toe! 148 00:08:59,765 --> 00:09:02,324 I didn't realise there was a Miss Byrite. 149 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:08,598 - Where are you going? - We're going to see the world. 150 00:09:08,643 --> 00:09:10,155 (Both) Slough. 151 00:09:13,203 --> 00:09:14,683 Come on. 152 00:09:14,724 --> 00:09:17,442 It was around this time that I started to think 153 00:09:17,483 --> 00:09:21,031 that a glamorous life would be better than the one on offer. 154 00:09:21,081 --> 00:09:27,272 # Too many cars, men in bars, and broken hearts 155 00:09:27,323 --> 00:09:31,236 # Riding a bus that takes them nowhere 156 00:09:31,283 --> 00:09:33,000 Shut up, Alicia! 157 00:09:33,042 --> 00:09:37,990 # Too many houses, narrow streets, narrow minds 158 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,835 # And this little town 159 00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:43,758 # Has done for me 160 00:09:43,801 --> 00:09:48,272 I was a concerned record company executive chaperoning Amy Winehouse. 161 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,040 But if my mum was a beehive-free Amy, 162 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:52,831 what did that make my dad? 163 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,873 # But I'll never leave 164 00:09:55,921 --> 00:10:00,471 # For the sanctity of soul... 165 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,237 Andy? 166 00:10:02,279 --> 00:10:04,271 Irresistible, apparently. 167 00:10:05,399 --> 00:10:07,994 It's right draughty round my gash. 168 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,831 I mean gaff. 169 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,472 Right. 170 00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:18,591 You couldn't pop round and bleed my radiators? 171 00:10:19,239 --> 00:10:22,470 Oh, Andy, you're so good with your hands. 172 00:10:27,599 --> 00:10:28,998 Ooh! 173 00:10:30,758 --> 00:10:33,715 Oh, I can feel my sap rising. 174 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:37,391 (Hissing) 175 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:39,428 There. Done. 176 00:10:39,477 --> 00:10:41,468 See you, Reba. 177 00:10:48,236 --> 00:10:49,908 Oh, here comes Amy again. 178 00:10:49,956 --> 00:10:52,071 I might Just pop in here and use the loo. 179 00:10:52,117 --> 00:10:54,107 (Both) Mum! 180 00:10:56,717 --> 00:10:59,026 It was the worst day out in the world. 181 00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:02,908 What, worse than when we queued to see Princess Anne at the special school? 182 00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:04,466 Much. 183 00:11:04,517 --> 00:11:06,791 Come and see my new dance move. 184 00:11:06,836 --> 00:11:12,431 Dad wasn't the only one who had temptation put in his way at Kylie's house that day. 185 00:11:17,274 --> 00:11:20,186 Only unlike Dad, I gave in to it. 186 00:11:23,114 --> 00:11:26,151 So, what are we going to do tonight, girlfriend? 187 00:11:26,194 --> 00:11:28,264 I'll tell you what you're going to do, girlfriend. 188 00:11:28,314 --> 00:11:33,388 You're going to stop acting like a batty boy and stop calling him girlfriend, girlfriend! 189 00:11:36,393 --> 00:11:40,626 Don't worry, Kylie. When we're older, we are going to get out of Reading. 190 00:11:41,392 --> 00:11:43,906 - And where will we be? - London. 191 00:11:43,952 --> 00:11:45,750 And who will we live amongst? 192 00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,591 The beautiful people. 193 00:11:47,634 --> 00:11:51,785 It'll be the epitome of fabulosity. I promise. 194 00:11:51,833 --> 00:11:55,302 OK. It's a shame you never saw my new dance move earlier. 195 00:11:55,352 --> 00:11:58,901 - It's like a cross between... - Kylie, I've got to go. 196 00:12:04,153 --> 00:12:05,585 I know, I know. 197 00:12:05,632 --> 00:12:07,782 I'm autumn, this colour's winter. 198 00:12:08,471 --> 00:12:10,826 No, no, please don't! Ashlene! 199 00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:15,942 What are you going to do with that? Please, I'll do anything. 200 00:12:15,992 --> 00:12:18,710 What's it worth to you? Name your price. 201 00:12:20,231 --> 00:12:23,824 I want you to do my hair like Heather Small from M People. 202 00:12:26,069 --> 00:12:31,349 And if you don't, this gets shown to everyone you know. 203 00:12:31,390 --> 00:12:36,702 Mum, Dad, and all those lads at school that think you're a freak. 204 00:12:36,749 --> 00:12:40,457 As a teenager, I watched a lot of Tennessee Williams movies, 205 00:12:40,508 --> 00:12:43,626 and always cast myself as the heroine. 206 00:12:43,668 --> 00:12:47,138 # At first I was afraid, I was petrified 207 00:12:47,189 --> 00:12:50,658 # Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side 208 00:12:50,708 --> 00:12:55,736 # But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong 209 00:12:55,788 --> 00:12:59,746 # And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along 210 00:12:59,788 --> 00:13:02,780 # And so you're back, from outer space 211 00:13:03,546 --> 00:13:07,779 # I Just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face 212 00:13:07,827 --> 00:13:11,978 # I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your keys 213 00:13:12,026 --> 00:13:15,986 # If I'd have known for Just one second you'd be back to bother me 214 00:13:16,027 --> 00:13:20,019 # Go on, now, go, walk out the door 215 00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:24,343 #Just turn around now, cos you're not welcome any more 216 00:13:25,345 --> 00:13:27,018 I'll try. 217 00:13:30,866 --> 00:13:33,379 But Heather Small wasn't built in a month of Sundays. 218 00:13:39,264 --> 00:13:41,302 Oh! Oh, that is nice. 219 00:13:42,065 --> 00:13:46,297 Mmm, it's like... It's like angel piddle. 220 00:13:46,345 --> 00:13:51,293 It is. It's like the archangel Gabriel piddled over Reading and I held me glass out. 221 00:13:51,344 --> 00:13:54,816 - You'd have to be weird to be tempted. - I'll have some. 222 00:13:54,866 --> 00:13:58,982 It makes you wonder why they bugger about with grapes in that France though, 223 00:13:59,025 --> 00:14:03,017 when you can make a perfectly delicious wine from potato peelings, 224 00:14:03,064 --> 00:14:05,577 in the comfort of your own home. 225 00:14:06,424 --> 00:14:10,302 - Cheers, then. - Pass me the salt, slave boy. 226 00:14:17,222 --> 00:14:19,132 How was your Granola guru, Hayls? 227 00:14:19,181 --> 00:14:20,901 Not so hot to start with. 228 00:14:20,942 --> 00:14:23,376 But like a lot of men, not so bad once you got started? 229 00:14:23,422 --> 00:14:26,493 Ha! No, I went in through the wrong door. 230 00:14:26,542 --> 00:14:31,172 I sat there, listening to some woman bleating on about her lopsided hysterectomy. 231 00:14:31,221 --> 00:14:33,859 That's when I realised I was in the hairdresser's. 232 00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:37,051 Hayley, do you not think it might be a good idea to get a new guide dog? 233 00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:40,060 Debbie, she is yin to my yang. 234 00:14:40,101 --> 00:14:42,092 You can see better than her. 235 00:14:42,141 --> 00:14:46,418 So I had a quick perm, and I got there for the last five minutes of Gaylord, 236 00:14:46,460 --> 00:14:50,009 who it has to be said was, ooh, inspirational. 237 00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:54,258 - Has it changed your life, Hayley? - It has given me a life, Andy. 238 00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:57,575 And a deep appreciation of sunflower seeds. 239 00:14:57,620 --> 00:15:02,568 I am going to eat nothing but seeds, nuts and berries 240 00:15:02,618 --> 00:15:04,610 until the day I die. 241 00:15:04,659 --> 00:15:08,015 - I've got a loose stool. - You're not the only one. 242 00:15:08,059 --> 00:15:11,255 Mum was finding a life without alcohol quite dull. 243 00:15:11,298 --> 00:15:15,416 So she came up with zany ideas to block out the pain. 244 00:15:16,178 --> 00:15:21,127 Never, ever trust the word "zany". 245 00:15:21,179 --> 00:15:24,807 Who wants to watch me putting on my bracelets to Baccara? 246 00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:29,569 # Yes, sir, I can boogie 247 00:15:29,618 --> 00:15:33,495 # But I need a certain song 248 00:15:33,537 --> 00:15:37,531 # I can boogie, boogie boogie 249 00:15:37,578 --> 00:15:39,374 # All night long 250 00:15:39,418 --> 00:15:41,805 Who wants to play with a self-adhesive envelope? 251 00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:43,972 Poverty is such bliss. 252 00:15:44,016 --> 00:15:45,244 #... I can boogie 253 00:15:45,296 --> 00:15:49,131 # If you stay you can't go wrong 254 00:15:49,177 --> 00:15:50,405 # I can boogie... 255 00:15:50,457 --> 00:15:53,732 Oh, oh, let's play "Guess who's in the laundry basket". 256 00:15:55,657 --> 00:15:58,534 Debs, even I can tell you're making a tit of yourself. 257 00:15:58,895 --> 00:16:00,647 Oh! 258 00:16:03,336 --> 00:16:06,373 - (Laughs) - Now you know what it's like. 259 00:16:06,415 --> 00:16:10,009 - # There ain't nothing you can do - Faster! Come on. 260 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:12,329 # Cos I've had enough of me, baby... 261 00:16:12,374 --> 00:16:15,285 And in Gallery Singleton there it was again, 262 00:16:15,334 --> 00:16:19,009 the thing that was going to make me more fabulous. 263 00:16:19,054 --> 00:16:21,443 Though of course, this being ten years ago, 264 00:16:21,494 --> 00:16:25,009 that was like... in today's money, 265 00:16:26,972 --> 00:16:28,884 Oi! Why have we stopped? 266 00:16:28,933 --> 00:16:30,685 Take me to the ghetto. 267 00:16:30,733 --> 00:16:33,043 # You're moving on out 268 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:35,288 # Moving on up 269 00:16:35,332 --> 00:16:37,324 # Nothing can stop me 270 00:16:37,374 --> 00:16:39,044 # Moving on up 271 00:16:39,093 --> 00:16:41,083 # You're moving on out 272 00:16:41,132 --> 00:16:43,123 # Time to break free 273 00:16:43,171 --> 00:16:44,889 # Nothing can stop me 274 00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:47,571 - All right? - What happened to your hair? 275 00:16:47,612 --> 00:16:49,921 I look like Heather Small, innit? 276 00:16:52,691 --> 00:16:55,445 Sure you ain't been licking the mains, bitch? 277 00:16:56,611 --> 00:16:59,409 You called me bitch. 278 00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:03,569 Our local hairdresser was known for her love of three things... 279 00:17:03,611 --> 00:17:07,160 gossip, caterwauling and rum. 280 00:17:07,212 --> 00:17:11,601 It's hard when you're a kid and you learn that parents can't be trusted. 281 00:17:11,651 --> 00:17:14,882 # I got all my sisters with me, yeah! 282 00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:17,808 # We are family, yeah, yeah, yeah! 283 00:17:17,849 --> 00:17:20,318 - Oh, there's none left. - (Groans) 284 00:17:20,370 --> 00:17:22,645 But you still want your hair done, right? 285 00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:25,284 # And there's no way 286 00:17:25,330 --> 00:17:31,929 # No, no, no, no way I'm living without you 287 00:17:31,970 --> 00:17:33,960 Tameka Tula's biggest claim to fame 288 00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:37,126 was she got down to the three to be the Shake'N'Vac lady. 289 00:17:37,169 --> 00:17:40,639 She also claimed to be secretly married to George Michael. 290 00:17:40,688 --> 00:17:46,002 And as this was a year before his walk in the park, we believed her. 291 00:17:46,050 --> 00:17:48,960 She said he couldn't get enough of her buzzing vibrato. 292 00:17:49,009 --> 00:17:51,397 Maybe I misheard. 293 00:17:51,448 --> 00:17:56,887 I hear you've been off gallivanting, seeing the world, Debbie Doonan. Very nice, very nice. 294 00:17:56,928 --> 00:18:00,762 - Well, I've had a few day trips. - Every girl deserves a day trip, Debbie Doonan. 295 00:18:00,808 --> 00:18:05,244 Let me put it to you this way. You want to do more about your appearance, missie. 296 00:18:05,286 --> 00:18:08,164 Get your hair done. Nails like talons. 297 00:18:08,206 --> 00:18:12,882 They say you can't gild the lily. I say, don't give me that shit. You can gild my ass. 298 00:18:12,927 --> 00:18:14,962 - Well, that's why I'm here, innit? - True. 299 00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:18,919 Oh, and you want to keep a tight leash on that so-called husband of yours. 300 00:18:18,966 --> 00:18:22,799 Getting up to all sorts with that slapper, Reba Parkinson. 301 00:18:22,846 --> 00:18:24,757 - What? - Yeah. 302 00:18:24,805 --> 00:18:26,921 I was stripping her moustache the other day, 303 00:18:26,965 --> 00:18:31,914 and she was shouting it all round my salon about how he slipped in and bled her radiators. 304 00:18:31,964 --> 00:18:36,162 Huh! The last time a man did that to me, I couldn't sit down for a week. 305 00:18:36,965 --> 00:18:41,004 # Ooh, love to love you, baby! 306 00:18:41,044 --> 00:18:45,880 # Aaaah, love to love you baby! 307 00:18:49,723 --> 00:18:53,922 #Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene 308 00:18:53,964 --> 00:18:58,195 # I'm begging of you, please don't take my man 309 00:19:00,483 --> 00:19:06,318 #Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene 310 00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:11,642 # Please don't take him Just because you can 311 00:19:12,403 --> 00:19:14,712 #Jolene 312 00:19:16,602 --> 00:19:20,834 Oh, my God, girlfriend, sports casual is back with a bang. 313 00:19:20,882 --> 00:19:22,953 - Bitch! - What did I say? 314 00:19:23,003 --> 00:19:26,074 Aunty Hayley, eating burgers. 315 00:19:26,922 --> 00:19:29,151 Nothing surprises me about that woman. 316 00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,716 Do you know, she made me wear nylon last week? 317 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:37,476 Oh, Simon, isn't Aunty Hayley generous, buying you that? 318 00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:42,515 Two fashion pointers. Never wear nylon, and never wear nylon bought by a blind person. 319 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,711 Please can I take it off? Please! 320 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,196 Simon, all the lads wear them round here. You'll blend in. 321 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,470 Blend in? I don't want to blend in. 322 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,428 Don't do it! Don't do it, Simon. 323 00:19:58,478 --> 00:20:02,233 I'm sorry, Simon. I'm so sorry. 324 00:20:02,278 --> 00:20:04,998 Argh! 325 00:20:07,838 --> 00:20:09,511 Do you know what happened? 326 00:20:09,559 --> 00:20:11,992 His aunty made him wear nylon. 327 00:20:12,038 --> 00:20:14,029 How could anyone do that to a child? 328 00:20:16,037 --> 00:20:17,311 Ow! 329 00:20:17,357 --> 00:20:23,876 Oh, yes. Mark my words, I was going to make that bitch pay for her crimes against fashion. 330 00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,677 So much for nuts and berries till the day you die. 331 00:20:28,838 --> 00:20:30,828 Mum thinks you're an inspiration. 332 00:20:32,596 --> 00:20:34,154 How much to keep schtum? 333 00:20:34,196 --> 00:20:36,506 Now, let me see... 334 00:20:38,717 --> 00:20:40,434 Thirty quid? 335 00:20:40,476 --> 00:20:42,706 Alan Sugar, eat your heart out. 336 00:20:56,275 --> 00:20:59,471 Ashlene says you've been to the hairdresser's. 337 00:20:59,515 --> 00:21:01,666 Have a cheeky drink on the sly, did you? 338 00:21:02,356 --> 00:21:05,427 - Get off me, Andy. - Hey, come here. 339 00:21:05,475 --> 00:21:07,466 Andy! 340 00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:12,667 - Dad? - Yeah? 341 00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:16,465 My teachers say secrets are bad. 342 00:21:18,035 --> 00:21:21,788 - But are they? - We've all go secrets, Simon. 343 00:21:23,313 --> 00:21:25,622 It's Just what you choose to do with them. 344 00:21:25,673 --> 00:21:31,146 #Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene 345 00:21:31,193 --> 00:21:35,312 # I'm begging of you, please don't take my man 346 00:21:37,673 --> 00:21:43,226 #Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene 347 00:21:43,274 --> 00:21:47,585 # Please don't take him, even though you can 348 00:21:47,633 --> 00:21:49,942 When my mum got angry, she got... 349 00:21:49,992 --> 00:21:52,300 - Reba! ...very, very angry. 350 00:21:52,351 --> 00:21:53,909 Reba Parkington! 351 00:21:53,951 --> 00:21:57,990 And when she shouted, the whole of Reading could hear. 352 00:21:58,751 --> 00:22:02,266 Reba Parkington, get out here now! 353 00:22:05,550 --> 00:22:07,619 Keep your hands off my man. 354 00:22:07,669 --> 00:22:11,983 - Give that back, you thieving cow! - Like I'd want to nick your clothes, you slut! 355 00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:15,739 I know, you freak, cos they're obviously too small for you, you fat bitch! 356 00:22:15,789 --> 00:22:17,861 Next time you drop your ski pants, darling, 357 00:22:17,910 --> 00:22:20,470 pick someone on your own level, like a dog in the street! 358 00:22:25,348 --> 00:22:28,660 (Reba) Oi! I said give that back! 359 00:22:28,709 --> 00:22:32,543 - That cost a fortune, that! - What, three quid in the Jumble? 360 00:22:33,588 --> 00:22:35,580 Debbie! Debbie, what are you doing? 361 00:22:35,629 --> 00:22:39,017 I haven't even started with you yet. How do you explain that? 362 00:22:39,068 --> 00:22:42,538 What the feck are you talking about? What's she been saying? 363 00:22:44,789 --> 00:22:48,098 Mum! Watch your hair extensions, they're fabulous. 364 00:22:49,667 --> 00:22:51,623 # Slam it to the left if you're having a good time 365 00:22:51,669 --> 00:22:54,899 # Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine 366 00:22:54,948 --> 00:22:56,938 (Growling and snarling) 367 00:22:56,987 --> 00:22:59,342 # Slam it to the left if you're having a good time 368 00:22:59,386 --> 00:23:02,026 # Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine... 369 00:23:03,067 --> 00:23:05,535 # Hal Sil Jal Hold tightl 370 00:23:05,587 --> 00:23:10,377 Ice creams! Get your choc ices. Ice creams! 371 00:23:10,427 --> 00:23:13,305 Round two. Round two. 372 00:23:13,346 --> 00:23:15,860 # Yellow man in Timbuktu 373 00:23:15,906 --> 00:23:16,896 (Bell rings) 374 00:23:16,947 --> 00:23:20,939 # Colour for both me and you 375 00:23:20,985 --> 00:23:24,136 # Kung fu fighting, dancing queen 376 00:23:24,185 --> 00:23:27,622 # Tribal spaceman, and all that's in between 377 00:23:27,666 --> 00:23:29,940 # Colours of the world, spice up your life 378 00:23:29,985 --> 00:23:32,101 # Every boy and every girl, spice up your life 379 00:23:32,144 --> 00:23:34,341 # People of the world, spice up your life 380 00:23:34,386 --> 00:23:36,376 (Screaming) 381 00:23:36,425 --> 00:23:37,904 # Slam it to the left if you're having a good time 382 00:23:37,945 --> 00:23:41,017 # Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine... 383 00:23:41,425 --> 00:23:43,416 One... two... 384 00:23:43,663 --> 00:23:46,461 Mum, stop it. Simon took the dress. 385 00:23:46,503 --> 00:23:49,461 - Ashlene! - Simon took it. 386 00:23:53,423 --> 00:23:55,653 But why would you want to wear Reba's dress? 387 00:23:55,703 --> 00:23:57,898 Mum, I know I'm weird. 388 00:23:57,942 --> 00:24:00,616 You're not weird, you're different. 389 00:24:01,863 --> 00:24:04,536 But I Just wondered what I'd look like in a dress. 390 00:24:05,262 --> 00:24:07,493 And now I know. 391 00:24:07,542 --> 00:24:09,339 Loathsome! 392 00:24:09,383 --> 00:24:13,341 - And what the feck did you say? - What any reasonable mother would say. 393 00:24:13,382 --> 00:24:15,895 And what's the matter with my bloody dresses? 394 00:24:19,822 --> 00:24:21,813 I'm sorry I doubted you. 395 00:24:23,181 --> 00:24:25,900 I know you wouldn't look twice at another woman. 396 00:24:26,702 --> 00:24:28,692 Particularly a slut. 397 00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:35,580 - So you don't think she's pretty, then? - Who, Reba? No. 398 00:24:35,621 --> 00:24:38,930 Cos if you do, I don't mind. You know I'm a very tolerant person, lover. 399 00:24:40,261 --> 00:24:44,731 - Well... You know, she's no dog. - So you do fancy her. 400 00:24:44,780 --> 00:24:47,614 - I didn't say that. - Amnesty on fancying people, lover. 401 00:24:47,660 --> 00:24:50,220 Well... 402 00:24:50,259 --> 00:24:52,251 She is quite easy on the eye. 403 00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:54,734 - Ow! What was that for? - Fancying the bloody neighbour. 404 00:24:54,779 --> 00:24:56,370 - Sleep on the couch. - But you said... 405 00:24:56,419 --> 00:24:58,887 Easy on the eye? I'll give you easy on the eye! 406 00:25:00,019 --> 00:25:02,453 You mad bitch! 407 00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:04,855 Stop right there. I haven't finished with you. 408 00:25:04,899 --> 00:25:09,575 Talking to Simon, you said everybody has secrets. So if it's not Reba, what is it? 409 00:25:09,618 --> 00:25:11,256 - I haven't. - I don't believe you. 410 00:25:11,298 --> 00:25:13,210 - I don't care. - You're bonking Reba! 411 00:25:13,258 --> 00:25:15,646 No, I am not. 412 00:25:16,419 --> 00:25:20,093 My secret is that... I hate it when you're sober. 413 00:25:21,018 --> 00:25:22,006 What? 414 00:25:22,058 --> 00:25:25,812 I mean, come on, Debs. Congratulations on not drinking and all that. 415 00:25:25,858 --> 00:25:30,090 But Jeez, it's turned you into one moody bitch! 416 00:25:33,938 --> 00:25:35,575 Oh, come on. 417 00:25:37,456 --> 00:25:38,445 Babe? 418 00:25:41,576 --> 00:25:43,567 Have a little tipple. 419 00:25:44,455 --> 00:25:47,687 A nice cold glass of... 420 00:25:47,736 --> 00:25:50,296 gherkin and cucumber Riesling. 421 00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:52,614 Just for me? 422 00:25:52,654 --> 00:25:56,091 # You ain't never gonna know me 423 00:25:56,134 --> 00:25:58,249 # But I know you 424 00:26:00,495 --> 00:26:04,124 # Teach you now that things... 425 00:26:04,174 --> 00:26:07,723 - #... can only get better - That's the girl! 426 00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:10,242 (TV) A new dawn has broken, has it not? 427 00:26:13,374 --> 00:26:15,842 (Simon) Some things you Just can't stop. 428 00:26:15,894 --> 00:26:19,966 Like liking a drink, or dressing up in girls' clothes once in a blue moon. 429 00:26:20,014 --> 00:26:21,765 # Things can only get better 430 00:26:21,813 --> 00:26:24,886 But I probably shouldn't have won my essay writing competition, 431 00:26:24,933 --> 00:26:29,246 because my dad might have messed with their pipes, 432 00:26:29,293 --> 00:26:32,329 but he would never look twice at another woman. 433 00:26:32,372 --> 00:26:35,843 My sister couldn't get a fella with her new hair-do for love nor money. 434 00:26:35,892 --> 00:26:39,042 Aunty Hayley was still a bit hippy, but so what? 435 00:26:39,091 --> 00:26:45,327 And, "My Mum's name is Debbie, she bleaches her hair and drinks gin" was wrong. 436 00:26:45,372 --> 00:26:48,841 She actually had hair extensions and preferred homemade wine. 437 00:26:48,891 --> 00:26:51,042 Simon, I Just want to... Aw! 438 00:26:52,172 --> 00:26:53,763 (Drunken chortling) 439 00:27:01,371 --> 00:27:04,282 # Things can only get better 440 00:27:05,090 --> 00:27:08,720 # Can only get better 441 00:27:08,771 --> 00:27:11,000 # Now I've found you 442 00:27:11,051 --> 00:27:14,804 # And you and you and you, baby 443 00:27:14,850 --> 00:27:20,322 # Things can only get better 444 00:27:20,369 --> 00:27:24,159 # Can only get better 445 00:27:24,210 --> 00:27:28,919 # Now I've found you 446 00:27:32,089 --> 00:27:38,004 Tony Curtis is suing your ass. And there's a really weird message from Phil Spector. 447 00:27:38,048 --> 00:27:40,608 - Apparently, he is a lesbian. - Hmm. 448 00:27:41,608 --> 00:27:43,563 I want a drink. 449 00:27:43,608 --> 00:27:46,280 A nice cold glass of white wine. 450 00:27:47,647 --> 00:27:49,638 Oh, I know this really cool bar. 451 00:27:49,688 --> 00:27:52,997 - No, it has to be homemade wine. - Huh? 452 00:27:53,048 --> 00:27:56,322 In fact, it has to be gherkin and cucumber wine. 453 00:27:56,366 --> 00:27:58,198 Are you Jerking my chain? 454 00:27:58,247 --> 00:28:01,682 No, but I'll Jerk your gherkin if you play your cards right! 455 00:28:02,966 --> 00:28:05,718 # Don't let them go, don't let them go 456 00:28:05,765 --> 00:28:09,759 # Take a beautiful dream and let it show 457 00:28:09,806 --> 00:28:13,878 # Don't let them go, don't let them go 458 00:28:13,925 --> 00:28:19,158 # Take a beautiful dream and let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow 459 00:28:19,205 --> 00:28:23,245 # Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na 460 00:28:24,406 --> 00:28:27,317 # Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow 461 00:28:27,365 --> 00:28:31,278 # Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na #