# Ah-ah
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #
- What are we calling this, then? - Men who look like old lesbians.
Ta-da!
The Muffia?
Jon Voight. Denis Leary.
Phil Spector. Tony Curtis.
Why do they all look like spinster Aunt Pat,
who wore slacks, never married and had a close personal friend called Jean?
They've all had eye lifts?
Note to self. Leave from here to here to nature.
There's nothing wrong with looking like a dyke, you know.
Tell that to Chastity Bono.
Sacha, no!
Simon, it's Just a vayse.
It's a vaaase.
(Cod English accent) Simon, it's Just a vase.
Do you know what you're saying?
# Love, shine a light in every corner of my heart...
I wasn't always a slightly fey window dresser in glamorous New York.
I was a slightly fey schoolboy in humdrum Reading.
So, when I saw something even remotely glamorous, I coveted it,
believing that possessing it would make me more glamorous, too.
How'd you get on at school today, son?
You have to remember this was a very long time ago,
so there was no such thing as Heat magazine or The X Factor.
As deprived children, we had to make our own fun,
particularly with pig-ugly student teachers.
Miss? Who cut your hair, Miss? The council?
Where'd you get your dress, Miss?
Oxfam?
That's my best friend, Kylie.
More of him later.
Miss, are those shoes, Miss, or Cornish pasties?
Where'd you get your voice from, poof?
Gays'R'Us?
Well, the winner of the essay competition... is Simon Doonan.
(All) You?
- What was this essay about, lover? - My family.
Did you hear that, Hayls? He's written an essay about us.
Do you know a Melody Crescent? She used to be in All Saints.
She left when she stubbed her toe on Shaznay's mum's crazy paving.
Go, girlfriend!
Melody Crescent is the street where I live, here in Reading,
with my very slim Aunty Hayley, who's also blind.
Though she's not really my aunty,
and she's not really very slim.
Just enJoy the playfulness of his syntax, sweetheart.
Then there's my sister, Ashlene.
She's been with every lad in our street.
In fact, I once heard my mum say, "She's got more exes than Littlewoods Pools."
I ain't been with every lad. I ain't been with... Backward Frank.
My dad's a plumber, so when my mum's out at work,
he has a good look at all the women in our street's pipes.
You filthy minded little beggar!
And last, but by no means least, my mum.
My Mum's name is Debbie.
She bleaches her hair and drinks gin.
Only because I won a year's free supply in a poetry writing competition.
It's true.
Gin, gin, where do I begin?
Having you inside me is like an old friend popping in.
I wonder if Philip Larkin ever wore stripes.
In fact, she and my dad drank so much when they got married,
they can't remember what date it was.
- You don't half exaggerate. - When was it, then?
- June 14th. - May 8th.
Pour me a little glass. My nerves are shot to bits.
Actually, no. My son obviously thinks I have a problem with the sauce.
So I shall prove him wrong. Make me a cup of tea.
A nice, sweet, soothing cup of non-alcoholic tea.
Mother, my essay wasn't a criticism.
It was a statement of fact, pure and simple.
You think I can't live without gin? Fine, I'll show you.
I shall give up alcohol for a week.
You watch. I can do it. One week off the booze, starting now.
My mother had a history of helping people to stop doing things.
Aunty Hayley used to be hooked, not only on classics, but also on amphetamines.
(Tchaikovsky: 1812 Overture)
She'd moved in with us so Mum could help wean her off them.
- She stopped my dad from swearing. - Handball!
- Bollocks! - Ah ah!
She stopped me from biting my nails.
She stopped Ashlene snogging ugly lads.
(Feedback howls) Ashlene Doonan, move away from the spotty geek.
Move away from the spotty geek.
She didn't stop Pauline Fowler from having poker-straight hair and a dour demeanour.
So could she stop herself from becoming Reading's answer to Oliver Reed?
You know, I have to say, this no-drinking lark is going really, really well.
I've had no sudden cravings, I ain't fell off no wagon,
and I'm getting a lot of support from Michael Barrymore.
"It's All About Me, Alwright." Bless!
Debbie, you only knocked it on the head 30 seconds ago.
One day at a time, Hayley. One day at a time.
When I grew up, Saturdays were known for kids' TV and hair experimentation.
Ow! Simon, that hurts.
You know what they say about topknots, Ashlene? No pain, no gain.
#... oh, what a beautiful day!
- How did you sleep, babe? - Like a log.
And it is so lovely to wake up without a hangover.
Not that I ever had them in the first place.
Aunty Hayley always gave her dogs the oddest of names.
Mummy!
Sorry. What time is it?
Time you got a guide dog that can see.
- Quarter to eleven. - I'm going slightly gaga.
I'm going to a gathering today of the Granola Guru, Gaylord Greenstein,
at the Gurt Gordon Greenpeace Gallery.
I gather he's gorgeous. I wouldn't mind giving him a good going over.
Aunty Hayley was brought to you today by the letter G.
And Simon, I thought about what you said, and I am going to lose weight.
- You are there, aren't you, Simon? - Erm... Yes.
- I thought I could smell your Egoist. - Oh, here we go.
Surely you remember my family's favourite advert?
Ego. Iste!
(All) Ego. Iste!
I often wonder where I get my creativity from.
Possibly it was my father's ability to turn parsnips, marmalade
and rumour has it, on one occasion, even KYJelly, into homemade wine.
I'm taking the kids out.
My mum wasn't so much creative as, well, two-faced.
- Hi, Debbie. - Hi, Reba.
Slut.
- All right, Kylie? - Girl power!
Don't call him Kylie. He's Kyle, innit?
So... Kylie.
His real name was Kyle, but he only ever answered to the name of his idol.
We did everything together.
Everything that normal lads do -
pretended to be Canadian in public places...
This sure does feel a long way from Vancouver, buddy.
Yaah!
... worked out complex dance routines to '80s floor fillers...
# Relax, don't do it
# When you want to come
And our favourite game, doling out unwanted fashion advice to the proletariat of Reading.
Ditch the fringe, love. It ain't working.
Eugh! Camel toe!
I didn't realise there was a Miss Byrite.
- Where are you going? - We're going to see the world.
(Both) Slough.
Come on.
It was around this time that I started to think
that a glamorous life would be better than the one on offer.
# Too many cars, men in bars, and broken hearts
# Riding a bus that takes them nowhere
Shut up, Alicia!
# Too many houses, narrow streets, narrow minds
# And this little town
# Has done for me
I was a concerned record company executive chaperoning Amy Winehouse.
But if my mum was a beehive-free Amy,
what did that make my dad?
# But I'll never leave
# For the sanctity of soul...
Andy?
Irresistible, apparently.
It's right draughty round my gash.
I mean gaff.
Right.
You couldn't pop round and bleed my radiators?
Oh, Andy, you're so good with your hands.
Ooh!
Oh, I can feel my sap rising.
(Hissing)
There. Done.
See you, Reba.
Oh, here comes Amy again.
I might Just pop in here and use the loo.
(Both) Mum!
It was the worst day out in the world.
What, worse than when we queued to see Princess Anne at the special school?
Much.
Come and see my new dance move.
Dad wasn't the only one who had temptation put in his way at Kylie's house that day.
Only unlike Dad, I gave in to it.
So, what are we going to do tonight, girlfriend?
I'll tell you what you're going to do, girlfriend.
You're going to stop acting like a batty boy and stop calling him girlfriend, girlfriend!
Don't worry, Kylie. When we're older, we are going to get out of Reading.
- And where will we be? - London.
And who will we live amongst?
The beautiful people.
It'll be the epitome of fabulosity. I promise.
OK. It's a shame you never saw my new dance move earlier.
- It's like a cross between... - Kylie, I've got to go.
I know, I know.
I'm autumn, this colour's winter.
No, no, please don't! Ashlene!
What are you going to do with that? Please, I'll do anything.
What's it worth to you? Name your price.
I want you to do my hair like Heather Small from M People.
And if you don't, this gets shown to everyone you know.
Mum, Dad, and all those lads at school that think you're a freak.
As a teenager, I watched a lot of Tennessee Williams movies,
and always cast myself as the heroine.
# At first I was afraid, I was petrified
# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
# But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
# And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along
# And so you're back, from outer space
# I Just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
# I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your keys
# If I'd have known for Just one second you'd be back to bother me
# Go on, now, go, walk out the door
#Just turn around now, cos you're not welcome any more
I'll try.
But Heather Small wasn't built in a month of Sundays.
Oh! Oh, that is nice.
Mmm, it's like... It's like angel piddle.
It is. It's like the archangel Gabriel piddled over Reading and I held me glass out.
- You'd have to be weird to be tempted. - I'll have some.
It makes you wonder why they bugger about with grapes in that France though,
when you can make a perfectly delicious wine from potato peelings,
in the comfort of your own home.
- Cheers, then. - Pass me the salt, slave boy.
How was your Granola guru, Hayls?
Not so hot to start with.
But like a lot of men, not so bad once you got started?
Ha! No, I went in through the wrong door.
I sat there, listening to some woman bleating on about her lopsided hysterectomy.
That's when I realised I was in the hairdresser's.
Hayley, do you not think it might be a good idea to get a new guide dog?
Debbie, she is yin to my yang.
You can see better than her.
So I had a quick perm, and I got there for the last five minutes of Gaylord,
who it has to be said was, ooh, inspirational.
- Has it changed your life, Hayley? - It has given me a life, Andy.
And a deep appreciation of sunflower seeds.
I am going to eat nothing but seeds, nuts and berries
until the day I die.
- I've got a loose stool. - You're not the only one.
Mum was finding a life without alcohol quite dull.
So she came up with zany ideas to block out the pain.
Never, ever trust the word "zany".
Who wants to watch me putting on my bracelets to Baccara?
# Yes, sir, I can boogie
# But I need a certain song
# I can boogie, boogie boogie
# All night long
Who wants to play with a self-adhesive envelope?
Poverty is such bliss.
#... I can boogie
# If you stay you can't go wrong
# I can boogie...
Oh, oh, let's play "Guess who's in the laundry basket".
Debs, even I can tell you're making a tit of yourself.
Oh!
- (Laughs) - Now you know what it's like.
- # There ain't nothing you can do - Faster! Come on.
# Cos I've had enough of me, baby...
And in Gallery Singleton there it was again,
the thing that was going to make me more fabulous.
Though of course, this being ten years ago,
that was like... in today's money,
Oi! Why have we stopped?
Take me to the ghetto.
# You're moving on out
# Moving on up
# Nothing can stop me
# Moving on up
# You're moving on out
# Time to break free
# Nothing can stop me
- All right? - What happened to your hair?
I look like Heather Small, innit?
Sure you ain't been licking the mains, bitch?
You called me bitch.
Our local hairdresser was known for her love of three things...
gossip, caterwauling and rum.
It's hard when you're a kid and you learn that parents can't be trusted.
# I got all my sisters with me, yeah!
# We are family, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Oh, there's none left. - (Groans)
But you still want your hair done, right?
# And there's no way
# No, no, no, no way I'm living without you
Tameka Tula's biggest claim to fame
was she got down to the three to be the Shake'N'Vac lady.
She also claimed to be secretly married to George Michael.
And as this was a year before his walk in the park, we believed her.
She said he couldn't get enough of her buzzing vibrato.
Maybe I misheard.
I hear you've been off gallivanting, seeing the world, Debbie Doonan. Very nice, very nice.
- Well, I've had a few day trips. - Every girl deserves a day trip, Debbie Doonan.
Let me put it to you this way. You want to do more about your appearance, missie.
Get your hair done. Nails like talons.
They say you can't gild the lily. I say, don't give me that shit. You can gild my ass.
- Well, that's why I'm here, innit? - True.
Oh, and you want to keep a tight leash on that so-called husband of yours.
Getting up to all sorts with that slapper, Reba Parkinson.
- What? - Yeah.
I was stripping her moustache the other day,
and she was shouting it all round my salon about how he slipped in and bled her radiators.
Huh! The last time a man did that to me, I couldn't sit down for a week.
# Ooh, love to love you, baby!
# Aaaah, love to love you baby!
#Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
# I'm begging of you, please don't take my man
#Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
# Please don't take him Just because you can
#Jolene
Oh, my God, girlfriend, sports casual is back with a bang.
- Bitch! - What did I say?
Aunty Hayley, eating burgers.
Nothing surprises me about that woman.
Do you know, she made me wear nylon last week?
Oh, Simon, isn't Aunty Hayley generous, buying you that?
Two fashion pointers. Never wear nylon, and never wear nylon bought by a blind person.
Please can I take it off? Please!
Simon, all the lads wear them round here. You'll blend in.
Blend in? I don't want to blend in.
Don't do it! Don't do it, Simon.
I'm sorry, Simon. I'm so sorry.
Argh!
Do you know what happened?
His aunty made him wear nylon.
How could anyone do that to a child?
Ow!
Oh, yes. Mark my words, I was going to make that bitch pay for her crimes against fashion.
So much for nuts and berries till the day you die.
Mum thinks you're an inspiration.
How much to keep schtum?
Now, let me see...
Thirty quid?
Alan Sugar, eat your heart out.
Ashlene says you've been to the hairdresser's.
Have a cheeky drink on the sly, did you?
- Get off me, Andy. - Hey, come here.
Andy!
- Dad? - Yeah?
My teachers say secrets are bad.
- But are they? - We've all go secrets, Simon.
It's Just what you choose to do with them.
#Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
# I'm begging of you, please don't take my man
#Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
# Please don't take him, even though you can
When my mum got angry, she got...
- Reba! ...very, very angry.
Reba Parkington!
And when she shouted, the whole of Reading could hear.
Reba Parkington, get out here now!
Keep your hands off my man.
- Give that back, you thieving cow! - Like I'd want to nick your clothes, you slut!
I know, you freak, cos they're obviously too small for you, you fat bitch!
Next time you drop your ski pants, darling,
pick someone on your own level, like a dog in the street!
(Reba) Oi! I said give that back!
- That cost a fortune, that! - What, three quid in the Jumble?
Debbie! Debbie, what are you doing?
I haven't even started with you yet. How do you explain that?
What the feck are you talking about? What's she been saying?
Mum! Watch your hair extensions, they're fabulous.
# Slam it to the left if you're having a good time
# Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine
(Growling and snarling)
# Slam it to the left if you're having a good time
# Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine...
# Hal Sil Jal Hold tightl
Ice creams! Get your choc ices. Ice creams!
Round two. Round two.
# Yellow man in Timbuktu
(Bell rings)
# Colour for both me and you
# Kung fu fighting, dancing queen
# Tribal spaceman, and all that's in between
# Colours of the world, spice up your life
# Every boy and every girl, spice up your life
# People of the world, spice up your life
(Screaming)
# Slam it to the left if you're having a good time
# Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine...
One... two...
Mum, stop it. Simon took the dress.
- Ashlene! - Simon took it.
But why would you want to wear Reba's dress?
Mum, I know I'm weird.
You're not weird, you're different.
But I Just wondered what I'd look like in a dress.
And now I know.
Loathsome!
- And what the feck did you say? - What any reasonable mother would say.
And what's the matter with my bloody dresses?
I'm sorry I doubted you.
I know you wouldn't look twice at another woman.
Particularly a slut.
- So you don't think she's pretty, then? - Who, Reba? No.
Cos if you do, I don't mind. You know I'm a very tolerant person, lover.
- Well... You know, she's no dog. - So you do fancy her.
- I didn't say that. - Amnesty on fancying people, lover.
Well...
She is quite easy on the eye.
- Ow! What was that for? - Fancying the bloody neighbour.
- Sleep on the couch. - But you said...
Easy on the eye? I'll give you easy on the eye!
You mad bitch!
Stop right there. I haven't finished with you.
Talking to Simon, you said everybody has secrets. So if it's not Reba, what is it?
- I haven't. - I don't believe you.
- I don't care. - You're bonking Reba!
No, I am not.
My secret is that... I hate it when you're sober.
What?
I mean, come on, Debs. Congratulations on not drinking and all that.
But Jeez, it's turned you into one moody bitch!
Oh, come on.
Babe?
Have a little tipple.
A nice cold glass of...
gherkin and cucumber Riesling.
Just for me?
# You ain't never gonna know me
# But I know you
# Teach you now that things...
- #... can only get better - That's the girl!
(TV) A new dawn has broken, has it not?
(Simon) Some things you Just can't stop.
Like liking a drink, or dressing up in girls' clothes once in a blue moon.
# Things can only get better
But I probably shouldn't have won my essay writing competition,
because my dad might have messed with their pipes,
but he would never look twice at another woman.
My sister couldn't get a fella with her new hair-do for love nor money.
Aunty Hayley was still a bit hippy, but so what?
And, "My Mum's name is Debbie, she bleaches her hair and drinks gin" was wrong.
She actually had hair extensions and preferred homemade wine.
Simon, I Just want to... Aw!
(Drunken chortling)
# Things can only get better
# Can only get better
# Now I've found you
# And you and you and you, baby
# Things can only get better
# Can only get better
# Now I've found you
Tony Curtis is suing your ass. And there's a really weird message from Phil Spector.
- Apparently, he is a lesbian. - Hmm.
I want a drink.
A nice cold glass of white wine.
Oh, I know this really cool bar.
- No, it has to be homemade wine. - Huh?
In fact, it has to be gherkin and cucumber wine.
Are you Jerking my chain?
No, but I'll Jerk your gherkin if you play your cards right!
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na #