1
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:05,780
♪ Don't let them go

2
00:00:05,815 --> 00:00:07,485
♪ Don't let them go

3
00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:11,660
♪ Take a beautiful dream
and let it show

4
00:00:11,695 --> 00:00:15,800
♪ Don't let them go
Don't let them go

5
00:00:15,835 --> 00:00:18,165
♪ Take a beautiful dream

6
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:20,885
♪ And let it grow, grow, grow, grow
grow, grow. ♪

7
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:26,280
SIMON: When carousing on the early, slash,
new-millennial, London-based gay scene,

8
00:00:26,315 --> 00:00:28,005
remember, image is all.

9
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,960
Keep the waist low, chin high,
and above all else,

10
00:00:31,995 --> 00:00:34,480
remember to cover
not only your backs...

11
00:00:34,515 --> 00:00:35,925
Cheeky!

12
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,760
...but also your flaws.

13
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,140
Oh, my God, it's Harry Potter!

14
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:44,440
Hmm, guess he saw my gash.

15
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:51,120
I grew up in a warm, loving,
slightly eccentric family

16
00:00:51,155 --> 00:00:53,440
who thought that everything I did
was amazing.

17
00:00:53,475 --> 00:00:56,720
How much do we love our Simon?

18
00:00:56,755 --> 00:00:58,000
ALL: This much!

19
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,480
But what they didn't prepare me for
was that in the outside world

20
00:01:03,515 --> 00:01:05,960
other people might not find me
quite so amazing.

21
00:01:05,995 --> 00:01:07,600
- Nancy boy!
- Faggot!

22
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:09,005
- Queer!
- Gay!

23
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:11,460
- Poofter!
- Batty boy!

24
00:01:11,495 --> 00:01:13,845
There you go, poppet.

25
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,080
Chicken tikka pitta pockets and a
melange of mango and melon balls.

26
00:01:17,115 --> 00:01:18,765
Enjoy!

27
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:22,080
They say there's a very thin line
between love and hate.

28
00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:25,560
In my case, that line seemed to be
our front gate.

29
00:01:25,595 --> 00:01:28,440
Oi, woofter.
Is that the gay house, is it?

30
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,045
Oi, Doonan,
do you take it up the arse?

31
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:36,000
You got AIDS yet,
you big, fat bum boy? Get him!

32
00:01:36,035 --> 00:01:38,240
SCHOOL BELL RINGS

33
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,160
Sir?

34
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,405
I think I'm being bullied.

35
00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:53,280
Bullied? No, that's shocking.
I'm shocked.

36
00:01:53,315 --> 00:01:54,840
I can't get over that.

37
00:01:54,875 --> 00:01:56,805
Really? Yes.

38
00:01:56,840 --> 00:02:00,200
Is it because of your
unnaturally protruding teeth?

39
00:02:00,235 --> 00:02:02,120
Er...no.

40
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,040
Well, my advice to you is... Yes?

41
00:02:06,075 --> 00:02:08,645
...tell a teacher! Right.

42
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,080
You should, you know?
Do you the world of good.

43
00:02:11,115 --> 00:02:14,280
You know what,
I think I might leave it.

44
00:02:14,315 --> 00:02:16,160
Your choice, Norman.

45
00:02:16,195 --> 00:02:18,205
Simon.

46
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:21,600
You can always rely on your
best mate to cheer you up.

47
00:02:21,635 --> 00:02:24,925
But sometimes other things
change the way you feel.

48
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,560
And though you might not yet be able
to put a name to these feelings

49
00:02:29,595 --> 00:02:31,605
you know that they mean something.

50
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,160
Are you new?
My name's Mickey, Mickey McCann.

51
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:36,440
I'm Simon
and this is my friend Kylie.

52
00:02:36,475 --> 00:02:37,725
Like the pop star?

53
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,965
Only I look twice as
ferocious in hot pants.

54
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:45,120
New boy, hang about with them and
everybody will say you're a battio.

55
00:02:45,155 --> 00:02:48,640
Come on, mate,
we'll show you where the pussy is.

56
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,640
Oops!
Looks like he dropped something.

57
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:56,720
Mickey?

58
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,245
Mum?
Yes, lover.

59
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:07,360
When you met Dad,
did you know he was the one?

60
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:11,440
Yeah. Our eyes met across
a crowded soup kitchen.

61
00:03:11,475 --> 00:03:13,297
He took one look at me and he said...

62
00:03:13,332 --> 00:03:15,120
I just found these crabs in the back.

63
00:03:15,155 --> 00:03:16,737
I'm dressing them for tea.

64
00:03:16,772 --> 00:03:18,646
What in, ponchos and pashmini?

65
00:03:18,681 --> 00:03:20,485
SHE LAUGHS
And what did you say?

66
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:24,840
Has anyone ever told you you look
like Tessa Wyatt from Robin's Nest?

67
00:03:24,875 --> 00:03:26,045
Robin's Nest?

68
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:30,720
Seminal '70s sitcom about everyday
life in a bistro with a one-armed...

69
00:03:30,755 --> 00:03:32,885
Bandit? Waiter.

70
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:36,120
Lovely Tessa Wyatt. I really miss her
popping up on my box.

71
00:03:36,155 --> 00:03:37,445
Who?

72
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,440
Andy, get the picture
from the drawer.

73
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:44,400
Crustacea back in the fridge,
please, Ashlene.

74
00:03:44,435 --> 00:03:45,917
See?

75
00:03:45,952 --> 00:03:47,365
Yeah.

76
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,320
I think you look more like this.

77
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,900
That crab's repeating on me.

78
00:03:56,935 --> 00:03:59,525
Still, the ponchos looked nice.

79
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,360
Didn't go a whole hog
on the pashmini, mind.

80
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,480
I feel a bit sad, lover.

81
00:04:05,515 --> 00:04:07,005
Why, babe?

82
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,400
Two things - one, why won't Ashlene
tell us who her kid's dad is?

83
00:04:10,435 --> 00:04:13,040
She reckons we'd kick off.
I mean, how ridiculous is that?

84
00:04:13,075 --> 00:04:15,000
She just doesn't bloody know,
that's the real reason.

85
00:04:15,035 --> 00:04:17,685
I've been violent, like,
three times in my life.

86
00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,400
Once when I found Coco the Clown
rummaging about in your drawers.

87
00:04:20,435 --> 00:04:23,080
We should never have hired
a kleptomaniac kiddies entertainer.

88
00:04:23,115 --> 00:04:25,957
When I had road rage
on a funicular railway at Legoland.

89
00:04:25,992 --> 00:04:28,800
- That kid provoked you, Andy.
- What was the third time?

90
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,325
- Coco the Clown again.
- Oh.

91
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,720
When you found him fingering
Ashlene's architraving.

92
00:04:32,755 --> 00:04:34,640
I don't even know what
he was doing upstairs.

93
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:39,120
You said there were two things...
that were making you feel blue.

94
00:04:39,155 --> 00:04:41,485
It's this Tessa Wyatt thing.

95
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,100
I don't want to look like
someone from the '70s.

96
00:04:44,135 --> 00:04:46,680
I want to be the doppelganger
of someone from now,

97
00:04:46,715 --> 00:04:48,520
someone famous, someone fabulous.

98
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,560
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine

99
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,200
♪ You blow my mind, hey, Mickey

100
00:04:56,235 --> 00:04:57,925
♪ Hey, Mickey

101
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,525
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine... ♪

102
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,360
I wish I could spend
more time with you.

103
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:07,440
And as the age-old adage goes,
careful what you wish for.

104
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:09,880
Fishy lady's fingers
with a cock-a-leekie dip,

105
00:05:09,915 --> 00:05:12,800
followed by chocolate rosebuds.
Enjoy!

106
00:05:12,835 --> 00:05:14,440
It might come true.

107
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,240
Get him!

108
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,525
All I'm saying is, Simon,

109
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,720
if you don't enjoy Aunty Hayley's
rather ambitious packed lunches,

110
00:05:34,755 --> 00:05:35,765
then by all means say.

111
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,040
But don't go throwing them all over
the cul-de-sac. That is so rude.

112
00:05:39,075 --> 00:05:41,240
I'm sorry, Aunty Hayley.

113
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,885
Now what was I saying about
careful what you wish for?

114
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,200
Mystery still surrounds
the Reading Avon lady, Jane Rowland

115
00:05:49,235 --> 00:05:52,480
who went missing three days ago
and hasn't been seen since.

116
00:05:52,515 --> 00:05:53,645
Reading, eh?

117
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:57,320
Shame she never galloped up our
ginnel. I'd love some new products.

118
00:05:57,355 --> 00:05:59,080
...Information about her whereabouts.

119
00:05:59,115 --> 00:06:01,805
If anyone knows where Jane is,

120
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:05,040
or Jane, if you can hear this,
please,

121
00:06:05,075 --> 00:06:06,925
please get in touch.

122
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:11,120
Any piece of information,
no matter how small, we need it.

123
00:06:11,155 --> 00:06:13,800
- Oh, God love him.
- I bet he's killed her.

124
00:06:13,835 --> 00:06:16,085
- Ashlene!
- What?

125
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:19,325
Her last words to me were...

126
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,760
I can get four fingers inside it,
but it really hurts.

127
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,845
She was cleaning out a mouse hole
on the skirting.

128
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:31,840
Mrs Rowland, who is in her late 30s,
looks like this. Have you seen her?

129
00:06:31,875 --> 00:06:33,845
THEY LAUGH

130
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,685
- Oh, my God, that is hilarious!
- What?

131
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:40,380
She's got an ever so slight
resemblance to me.

132
00:06:40,415 --> 00:06:43,467
Slight?! Jesus, the two of yous
could swap heads!

133
00:06:43,502 --> 00:06:46,520
When I said I wanted to look like
someone famous

134
00:06:46,555 --> 00:06:48,205
I didn't mean a missing person.

135
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,960
And her irritation didn't stop
there.

136
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,880
Overnight, my mum had developed
traffic-stopping powers.

137
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:04,400
And my dad was powerless to resist.

138
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,480
She's my wife!
No, no, she's my wife!

139
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:10,840
She's my wife! Debbie!

140
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:18,845
Oh, God, no!

141
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,725
She'd never dress like that.

142
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:24,165
The only upside to Mum's
doppelganging qualities was...

143
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:29,000
it led to her first appearance on TV in a
Crimewatch reconstruction as the missing lady.

144
00:07:29,035 --> 00:07:32,480
Filming - that's what they call it
when they film something -

145
00:07:32,515 --> 00:07:35,000
filming went really well.
I don't wanna tempt fate,

146
00:07:35,035 --> 00:07:38,160
but is that a coffee cream I can
smell?

147
00:07:38,195 --> 00:07:40,245
No, it's a BAFTA.

148
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,680
Cor, that George Michael's
a dirty old dog, in't he?

149
00:07:42,715 --> 00:07:44,405
George Michael has been charged

150
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:47,120
with committing a lewd act
in a park toilet.

151
00:07:47,155 --> 00:07:48,165
Brilliant.

152
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,965
Debs, I'm really pleased for you.

153
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,880
I didn't realise
you were such a good actress.

154
00:07:51,915 --> 00:07:53,520
He's like you with a beard.

155
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,125
I guess I'm just a natural.
Although I was a bit hacked off

156
00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:00,640
the director kept asking what it was
like working with a one-armed waiter.

157
00:08:00,675 --> 00:08:03,725
Why don't we throw a big party?

158
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,320
Tomorrow night.
Is it on the telly so soon?

159
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:07,765
It's an emergency, Simon.

160
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,880
Get all the neighbours in,
really show you off.

161
00:08:09,915 --> 00:08:11,765
Oh, Hayley, I don't think I could.

162
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:13,880
- I'm not that much of a bragger.
- OK, your call.

163
00:08:13,915 --> 00:08:15,525
Oh, go on then, you twisted my arm.

164
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,080
It's a beautiful idea.
It would be rude to decline.

165
00:08:18,115 --> 00:08:19,760
THUNDER RUMBLES

166
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,160
Sounds like a storm's coming.

167
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:28,840
It's a twister, Auntie Em!

168
00:08:28,875 --> 00:08:31,165
I'm Aunty Hayley.

169
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,960
It's from The Wizard of Oz.

170
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,800
I'd have been brilliant in that.

171
00:08:36,835 --> 00:08:38,960
What as - a pig-ugly munchkin?

172
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:46,560
♪ Somewhere over the rainbow

173
00:08:46,595 --> 00:08:50,400
♪ Way up high

174
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,800
♪ There's a land that I heard of

175
00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:59,960
♪ Once in a lullaby... ♪

176
00:08:59,995 --> 00:09:01,720
Who are you?

177
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,840
I guess you could say
I'm the ghost of homosexual future.

178
00:09:05,875 --> 00:09:09,240
That cardy's very fashion forward.

179
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,845
Listen, relax, sweetie.

180
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,525
It's not all doom and gloom.

181
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,560
But Oscar Wilde was sent to Reading
jail for being a friend of Dorothy.

182
00:09:19,595 --> 00:09:21,485
There was 100 years ago, Simon.

183
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:25,220
Ten years from now
the landscape's really changed.

184
00:09:25,255 --> 00:09:28,920
Age of consent's equalised,
Clause 28 is no more.

185
00:09:28,955 --> 00:09:32,200
And...you can get married.

186
00:09:32,235 --> 00:09:33,845
Oh, yeah, right(!)

187
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:38,200
There's this out gay actor bloke on
the TV all the time, John Barrowman.

188
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,320
Still, you can't have everything.

189
00:09:41,355 --> 00:09:43,565
But you can be happy.

190
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,280
And you will be. Trust me.

191
00:09:46,315 --> 00:09:48,137
Why should I?

192
00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:50,246
Simon...

193
00:09:50,281 --> 00:09:52,285
I'm you.

194
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:57,405
♪ Somewhere over the rainbow... ♪

195
00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,320
But no matter how rosy
the future might look...

196
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,485
...the present can still look shit.

197
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,840
♪...There's a land that I've heard
of

198
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:12,240
♪ Once in a lullaby... ♪

199
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,085
But I don't feel well.

200
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,640
Simon, you are going to school
whether you like it or not.

201
00:10:18,675 --> 00:10:21,440
But I think I might have
viral meningitis.

202
00:10:21,475 --> 00:10:24,080
It really hurts when I do that.

203
00:10:24,115 --> 00:10:25,645
Simon, school!

204
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:29,080
But you're letting Ashlene bunk off!
She's got high blood pressure.

205
00:10:29,115 --> 00:10:32,697
Yeah, maybe if you were pregnant
we'd let you skive off as well.

206
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:36,426
Oh, that's a really great example
you're setting me. Thanks(!)

207
00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:40,120
Maybe I should just go get a huge
crack problem, check into rehab,

208
00:10:40,155 --> 00:10:42,005
then I'd never have
to go to school again.

209
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:45,240
Simon, please don't use the phrase
"huge crack" around me,

210
00:10:45,275 --> 00:10:46,765
I'm getting Greenham flashbacks.

211
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,725
I don't want you under my feet all
day.

212
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,280
I'm going to ring round
all the top London agencies,

213
00:10:51,315 --> 00:10:53,417
get them to watch me on telly
tonight.

214
00:10:53,452 --> 00:10:55,485
Dad, can I get a lift to school from
you?

215
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:59,600
Sorry, son, I'm nipping out to get
party decorations from Good Will Bunting.

216
00:10:59,635 --> 00:11:01,657
It's in completely
the opposite direction.

217
00:11:01,692 --> 00:11:03,680
Listen, Debbie, I was thinking,
about tonight,

218
00:11:03,715 --> 00:11:05,640
we should get a marquee in the
garden.

219
00:11:05,675 --> 00:11:06,805
There isn't room for a marquee.

220
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,680
All right then, a two-man tent with
the flaps up, possibly a barbecue.

221
00:11:10,715 --> 00:11:13,960
No, no way, not after last time.

222
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,440
I know you're all looking at me.

223
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,885
Has anyone seen Bette Midler?

224
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,340
I "saw her" at the Palladium in '78.

225
00:11:27,375 --> 00:11:29,760
It's what he calls his guinea pig.

226
00:11:29,795 --> 00:11:31,640
This burger's very hairy.

227
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,120
Bette Midler!
DOORBELL

228
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,540
Hibes.

229
00:11:38,575 --> 00:11:39,845
Hibes?

230
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:43,220
Short for "Hi, babes" for those
in too much of a hurry.

231
00:11:43,255 --> 00:11:46,560
There's an old show biz saying -
when the going gets tough,

232
00:11:46,595 --> 00:11:49,800
the poofs get their skates on.

233
00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:51,160
Get him!

234
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,920
Come on! Get 'em!

235
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:01,005
♪ In the jungle, the mighty jungle

236
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,600
♪ The la la la la la sleeps
tonight... ♪

237
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:06,160
Johoyo, could you
get a bit of a move on,

238
00:12:06,195 --> 00:12:07,880
only I'm on the telly tonight and...

239
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,480
- You're on the television?
- Yeah, well, I'm an actress, so...

240
00:12:12,515 --> 00:12:14,677
Ahh! I have been on television!

241
00:12:14,712 --> 00:12:16,656
You heard of Songs Of Praise?

242
00:12:16,691 --> 00:12:18,565
I'm more drama than documentary.

243
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:22,325
I was on it, and they kicked me out!
Bastards!

244
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,600
I thought it suited me,
the big bass drum. Um-pam-pam...

245
00:12:25,635 --> 00:12:27,365
Anyway, I'm having a party tonight

246
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,760
so I'd like to make sure
I'm back in plenty of time.

247
00:12:29,795 --> 00:12:31,605
- You're having a party?
- Yes.

248
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,400
- A party you're having?
- That's right.

249
00:12:33,435 --> 00:12:34,965
Oh, for God's sake!

250
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,500
Ahh! I love to party! I love to
love.

251
00:12:38,535 --> 00:12:41,965
Me and my baby just love to dance!

252
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,360
Well, then you must come.
Now can we get a move on?

253
00:12:44,395 --> 00:12:48,560
Hey! My life is complete. Ahh!

254
00:12:48,595 --> 00:12:51,080
♪ In the jungle, arrrgh!

255
00:12:51,115 --> 00:12:52,645
♪ The mighty jungle

256
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:56,800
♪ Arrrgh!
The l-l-lion sleeps tonight... ♪

257
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,640
Not got your skates on now,
have you, battios?

258
00:13:01,675 --> 00:13:03,160
Get him!

259
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,080
In here, come on!

260
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:09,480
Come on!

261
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,400
Enough! Get out!

262
00:13:21,435 --> 00:13:22,920
Come on!

263
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,840
Help!

264
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,800
Help, somebody!

265
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,965
Help!

266
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,960
♪ Ah oooh
Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

267
00:13:46,995 --> 00:13:50,485
♪ Wimoweh, wimoweh
Wimoweh, wimoweh

268
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:53,080
♪ Ah oooh, wimoweh, wimoweh
wimoweh, wimoweh... ♪

269
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,600
I didn't do this, right?

270
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:10,720
I hate them, girlfriend. I'd quite happily
drop them in a vat of boiling mascara.

271
00:14:10,755 --> 00:14:12,045
Mickey's all right.

272
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,140
He's a knob, like the rest of them.

273
00:14:14,175 --> 00:14:16,165
He's not.
You're just like my mum.

274
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,325
I'm not an underdressed,
over-made-up slut.

275
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,680
She kept going back to the same bloke
that beat her up.

276
00:14:20,715 --> 00:14:22,445
What are you trying to say, Kylie?

277
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,840
Wake up and smell the coffee,
girlfriend!

278
00:14:24,875 --> 00:14:28,360
I'm not your girlfriend, girlfriend!

279
00:14:28,395 --> 00:14:30,485
Let me explain your hairdo.

280
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:36,080
I scooped it up here, I zhuzhed it
here, I booped, edooped it here.

281
00:14:36,115 --> 00:14:37,845
Your ears are still intact.

282
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:41,240
But I did cut your bra
with my snappy-snappy twam-twams.

283
00:14:41,275 --> 00:14:42,365
Scissors.

284
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:46,125
You say potato, I say
root vegetable with the big eyes.

285
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:49,520
The problem is, Johoyo, it doesn't
look any different to when I came in.

286
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,400
That is the sign of a good haircut!
Huh?

287
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,040
DOORBELL

288
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,720
I'll get it.

289
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:16,360
Our Kyle said there was a bit of a
party going on. Where's your dad?

290
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,005
What's that?

291
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,640
I think it must be a good luck card
from Simon, bless him.

292
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,205
Ohh! I keep getting stomach cramps.

293
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,160
I told you to keep your fingers
out of Aunty Hayley's Bombay mix,

294
00:15:39,195 --> 00:15:41,240
she's far too free and easy
with the hot nuts.

295
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:43,000
Come on, let's get downstairs.

296
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,245
Are you from the Inland Revenue?

297
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:55,080
I've paid my taxes, but the cheque,
it must have been lost in the post.

298
00:15:55,115 --> 00:15:56,845
I'm Kylie.

299
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,520
Oh, The Locomotion was catchy.

300
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,360
Brrr-eeee! Hey!

301
00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:05,520
Come on! Hey! Hey!

302
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:09,640
Hey!

303
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,760
Johoyo says pogo no.

304
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,840
Hey, watch my occasional table,
Johoyo.

305
00:16:17,875 --> 00:16:20,357
Occasionally is a table.

306
00:16:20,392 --> 00:16:22,840
Occasionally a very big hat.

307
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,845
Has anyone seen Simon?

308
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:32,440
Kylie, have some manners, it's not
Simon's night, it's Debbie's night.

309
00:16:32,475 --> 00:16:34,600
DOORBELL

310
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,640
- Leave us alone, Jayeson.
- I'm invited.

311
00:16:42,675 --> 00:16:45,280
You all right, Jayeson?
All right, slag.

312
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,720
What you looking at?
Dunno, hasn't got a label on it.

313
00:16:54,755 --> 00:16:57,680
Oh, yes, it has.
It says "huge twat".

314
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,720
SCREAMS
Shut up and get in!

315
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,805
All right, sexy?

316
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:11,040
I'm going to pretend you didn't say
that, who or whatever you are.

317
00:17:11,075 --> 00:17:12,040
Your loss, darling.

318
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,285
All right?

319
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,080
All right.
Where you going?

320
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,405
Thanks...for today.

321
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,360
They didn't mark your face.

322
00:17:36,395 --> 00:17:38,480
Are you running away?

323
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,640
I've been waiting ages.
There's a bus strike.

324
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,760
Simon, I'm sorry.

325
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:51,920
I'm not going to hang about with
Jayeson any more. He's a knobhead.

326
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,000
Do you need a lift anywhere?

327
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:57,760
Do you want to go to a party?

328
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:06,000
I wish I could get out of
this damn closet, girlfriend.

329
00:18:06,035 --> 00:18:08,480
BANGING

330
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:16,120
♪ Stuck in the dark and the confines

331
00:18:16,155 --> 00:18:20,560
♪ Of a place where nobody
could breathe

332
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:26,400
♪ I'll suffer the fools
with their closed minds

333
00:18:26,435 --> 00:18:30,760
♪ Till the day when
the world can see me

334
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:37,320
♪ There'll be a world
that is longing to see

335
00:18:37,355 --> 00:18:38,760
♪ One day

336
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:44,880
♪ Beautiful people who love me for me

337
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:46,360
♪ One day

338
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,980
♪ Some day

339
00:18:51,015 --> 00:18:54,600
♪ One day

340
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:00,840
♪ I'll find a place I can breathe

341
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,920
♪ When the world will see me. ♪

342
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,460
JAYESON: So, is it mine?

343
00:19:11,495 --> 00:19:14,560
The baby, is it mine?

344
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,880
Yeah.

345
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,920
Come on, it's about to start.

346
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,720
What are you doing in there?
Taking an overdose?

347
00:19:39,755 --> 00:19:42,037
Get in there and mingle, batty boy.

348
00:19:42,072 --> 00:19:44,285
There's some right fit birds in here.

349
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,420
Come on,
find yourself a luscious lovely.

350
00:19:46,455 --> 00:19:48,520
They're introducing the
reconstruction.

351
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:49,685
Where's Simon?

352
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,800
Have some manners, it's not
Simon's night, it's Debbie's night.

353
00:19:52,835 --> 00:19:54,560
- You're drunk.
- Piss off!

354
00:19:54,595 --> 00:19:55,605
Ow!

355
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,080
- All right, Reba?
- Hiya, Debbie.

356
00:19:58,115 --> 00:20:00,605
Slut. I'm on!

357
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,440
VOICEOVER ON TV: Were you
in Tabernacle Terrace that day?

358
00:20:04,475 --> 00:20:06,685
Did you see Jane on her way to work?

359
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,125
I found it really difficult
to walk in a straight line.

360
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,560
Something happens when the camera
is on me, I don't know what it is.

361
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,965
Hello, neighbour,
I'm just off on my Avon lady round.

362
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,080
They couldn't afford to pay her.
Either that or she was shit.

363
00:20:21,115 --> 00:20:24,640
What's that, neighbour?
You hope I have a nice day?

364
00:20:24,675 --> 00:20:27,080
Mm, me, too. Ta-ta for now.

365
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,600
I put that in.

366
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,640
I hope I don't get abducted,
that would be the pits and stuff.

367
00:20:35,675 --> 00:20:36,760
And that.

368
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:41,920
This was the last sighting
of Jane Rowland.

369
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:45,925
Did you see her crossing the road?

370
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:50,280
Did she sell you some of her
feminine hygiene products?

371
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:54,600
Neither Jane nor her Femfresh
have been seen since.

372
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,520
God, Debbie, you were really shit!

373
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,765
Jealousy will get you nowhere, Reba.

374
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,080
I had no idea Mrs Rowland
had special needs.

375
00:21:07,115 --> 00:21:08,045
She didn't.

376
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:12,400
Oh, it's just...she came across a
bit...

377
00:21:12,435 --> 00:21:13,960
Completely mongified?

378
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,685
Do you wanna feel my foetus?

379
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,160
Can I use your loo?
Up the stairs.

380
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,165
Girlfriend, we need to talk.

381
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,100
How was she?
About as wooden as that.

382
00:21:35,135 --> 00:21:38,000
What's going on with you and Mickey?

383
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,120
- I'm not blind.
- I am!

384
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,485
Listen, about your Ashlene...

385
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,080
Oh, my God, I know why Jayeson
is here.

386
00:21:47,115 --> 00:21:49,640
Hang on, there's something I've got
to do.

387
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,100
Mum, did you get my letter?

388
00:22:01,135 --> 00:22:03,285
It was more of a notelet/card.

389
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,325
Has that phone started ringing yet?

390
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,800
You watch, I'll be in Casualty come
June.

391
00:22:07,835 --> 00:22:11,125
Mum, I've got something to tell you.

392
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:14,160
Or Emmerdale, they're all shit in
Emmerdale, I'll act them off the screen.

393
00:22:14,195 --> 00:22:19,280
I nearly ran away tonight. "Clear
the cowshed, Bunty's in labour."

394
00:22:19,315 --> 00:22:20,805
Bunty's a cow.

395
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,640
I'm not like other boys.

396
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:28,560
Good, other boys are crap.
No, they're not.

397
00:22:28,595 --> 00:22:31,725
Otherwise
why would I like them so much?

398
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,040
You're too young to know
your own mind, Simon.

399
00:22:34,075 --> 00:22:36,285
I knew you'd be crap
in that reconstruction.

400
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:40,440
I wasn't crap, Simon,
the director just wasn't very good.

401
00:22:40,475 --> 00:22:42,720
But when will I stop
feeling like this?

402
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,725
Debbie, you'd better come inside.

403
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,800
I'm in the middle of something
right now.

404
00:22:47,835 --> 00:22:49,480
They've found your woman.

405
00:22:49,515 --> 00:22:50,480
What?

406
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,640
You just remember,

407
00:22:54,675 --> 00:22:56,325
your dad and me, yeah,

408
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,080
you're the most precious little boy
in the world to us.

409
00:22:59,115 --> 00:23:03,480
And you always will be.
Always, no matter what.

410
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:13,800
Basically, I ran away. I tried
to make a new life for myself

411
00:23:13,835 --> 00:23:18,485
but when I saw that reconstruction,
I just got very angry

412
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:22,085
and felt I had to show the nation
that I don't walk or talk like that.

413
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:26,480
Yes, what I did was against the law,
but what that actress did was criminal.

414
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,525
Come on, Jane.
Piss off, Tony.

415
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,840
Why do you think I ran away
in the first place?

416
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:35,840
I've got something for you.

417
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,365
The reason I had to change schools

418
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,680
was I was getting picked on
at my last one.

419
00:23:49,715 --> 00:23:52,200
Why would anyone want to pick on
you?

420
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:57,000
They found out something about me
and... it didn't go down too well.

421
00:23:57,035 --> 00:23:59,445
What was it?

422
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,440
It was a letter to someone
telling them how I felt about them.

423
00:24:03,475 --> 00:24:05,720
It's a bit embarrassing, really.
Who?

424
00:24:05,755 --> 00:24:07,765
Jason Orange.

425
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,880
Have you seen the video for
Do What You Like?

426
00:24:10,915 --> 00:24:12,885
Those clothes were fierce.

427
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,920
Thank God no-one can see us
coming out of my bedroom,

428
00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:18,920
cos I'd hate for anyone
to think I was a slapper.

429
00:24:18,955 --> 00:24:21,125
What's your name again?

430
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,940
- Aunty Hayley!
- Yes, what?

431
00:24:22,975 --> 00:24:24,720
I think my waters have broke.

432
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,720
Right, um...

433
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,280
...let's get you downstairs
and find your mum, all right?

434
00:24:33,315 --> 00:24:35,085
Come on.

435
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,480
Andy, call an ambulance.

436
00:24:38,515 --> 00:24:39,880
Andy!

437
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:45,400
When I'm older, I'm going to live in
London amongst the beautiful people.

438
00:24:45,435 --> 00:24:48,925
I'll have beanbags
and a smoking jacket

439
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:52,960
and probably be like that
with Jason Orange.

440
00:24:52,995 --> 00:24:54,557
I can't get a line!

441
00:24:54,592 --> 00:24:56,136
It's the wrong way up.

442
00:24:56,171 --> 00:24:57,645
Lie her on the couch.

443
00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:59,640
Ahh! I can feel it coming!

444
00:24:59,675 --> 00:25:01,357
No, no, no, no, no!

445
00:25:01,392 --> 00:25:03,040
All right, darling.

446
00:25:03,075 --> 00:25:05,217
♪ On the roof

447
00:25:05,252 --> 00:25:07,325
♪ As we are

448
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:11,960
♪ I can feel the air of what could
be

449
00:25:11,995 --> 00:25:13,125
♪ Looking down

450
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,485
♪ And I found
As though from the start

451
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:21,000
♪ Something good
I can see the world as it should be

452
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:26,880
♪ I'm gonna let my fear of flying go

453
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,320
♪ Or I might never know... ♪

454
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,805
Owwww!

455
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,760
It's all right, all right.

456
00:25:37,795 --> 00:25:40,680
The ambulance is on its way.

457
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,405
Ahhhhhhh!

458
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:47,005
♪ One life, my way

459
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:52,760
♪ And I'll dive in and I just feel
that something's happened to me

460
00:25:52,795 --> 00:25:55,845
♪ And now I know

461
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,160
♪ I'm not the only one... ♪

462
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,600
Oh, my God, oh, my God!

463
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:06,880
Isn't he gorgeous?

464
00:26:06,915 --> 00:26:08,597
He's perfect.

465
00:26:08,632 --> 00:26:10,280
He's beautiful.

466
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,205
Dear Mum.

467
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:38,880
I wanted to tell you this myself,
but couldn't, so here I am...

468
00:26:38,915 --> 00:26:40,165
I want to let you know

469
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,040
that for a long time I've been
bullied by a boy called Jayeson.

470
00:26:43,075 --> 00:26:46,760
As you know, I'm different
from the other boys at school.

471
00:26:46,795 --> 00:26:48,765
And also...

472
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,120
because I'm gay.

473
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,520
SIREN WAILS
Oh, my God! I'll go to Reading Jail!

474
00:26:59,555 --> 00:27:01,400
CRASH

475
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:09,600
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is how I got my gash. Thank you.

476
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,260
Thought of any names, Ashlene?

477
00:27:13,295 --> 00:27:15,920
I quite like Puff Daddy Doonan.

478
00:27:15,955 --> 00:27:17,365
I like Andy.

479
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,480
She can call him
whatever she wants to.

480
00:27:19,515 --> 00:27:21,325
What's it got to do with you?

481
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:24,000
Yeah, I don't even know
why you're here, Jayeson.

482
00:27:24,035 --> 00:27:26,640
That's Jayeson? Right!

483
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,000
Are you going to tell him or shall
I?

484
00:27:30,035 --> 00:27:31,800
What are you on about, Gaylord.

485
00:27:31,835 --> 00:27:33,520
He's the dad.

486
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:36,280
He's Puff Daddy's daddy.

487
00:27:36,315 --> 00:27:37,445
You are joking.

488
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,445
Simon, we're family now.

489
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,000
I don't know about that, sunshine.

490
00:27:42,035 --> 00:27:43,205
Debbie, what are you doing?!

491
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,360
That is for taking advantage of
my daughter's slutty nature.

492
00:27:46,395 --> 00:27:49,480
That is for making me a grandma
at a ridiculously young age,

493
00:27:49,515 --> 00:27:51,680
and this is for what you've done
to my Simon.

494
00:27:51,715 --> 00:27:53,640
Ohh!

495
00:27:57,800 --> 00:27:59,485
Mum...

496
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:01,720
I'm getting married.

497
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,320
Mum!

498
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:10,685
To a man.

499
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,685
Remember Mickey, from school?

500
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:18,240
Well, we've been Skyping...
Don't do that to me, Simon.

501
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,400
I'd spent my life wishing
I was with the beautiful people

502
00:28:23,435 --> 00:28:26,165
and now I know
they were with me all along.

503
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,680
To quote Judy Garland,
there really is no place like home.

504
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:37,380
♪ One night, my way

505
00:28:37,415 --> 00:28:39,627
♪ And I'll dive in

506
00:28:39,662 --> 00:28:42,311
♪ And I just feel that

507
00:28:42,346 --> 00:28:44,593
♪ One night, my night

508
00:28:44,628 --> 00:28:46,805
♪ And I'm dancing

509
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,260
♪ I'm not the only one

510
00:28:49,295 --> 00:28:51,307
♪ One night, my night

511
00:28:51,342 --> 00:28:53,285
♪ And I'm dancing

512
00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:56,360
♪ I'm not the only one. ♪