5
00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:02,320
kids,back in the fall of 2007

6
00:00:02,330 --> 00:00:04,090
i was dating this girl named...

7
00:00:04,100 --> 00:00:05,100
oh, god, what was her name?

8
00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:08,250
it's been 23 years,i can't remember all the stuff

9
00:00:08,260 --> 00:00:09,650
for the sake of the story,let's call her...

10
00:00:09,660 --> 00:00:11,000
everyone, this is blahblah.

11
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:14,330
please, call me blah.

12
00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,250
so, blah, how did you two meet?

13
00:00:16,260 --> 00:00:18,390
well, i was taking this cooking class,

14
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,450
french fusion, and everyone already had a partner,

15
00:00:21,460 --> 00:00:25,160
but then i looked up and across a crowded room,

16
00:00:25,430 --> 00:00:26,650
i saw ted.it was magical.

17
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:29,150
it was so magical.

18
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:31,720
except it wasn't.

19
00:00:31,730 --> 00:00:34,520
she's gonna tell some bogus story about a cooking class,

20
00:00:34,530 --> 00:00:38,030
because she's embarrassed we met online.

21
00:00:38,530 --> 00:00:40,120
(hey, chihuahua) what? there's no stigma anymore.

22
00:00:40,130 --> 00:00:41,620
oh, there's a stigma.

23
00:00:41,630 --> 00:00:44,120
there's why people always say,"there's no stigma anymore."

24
00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:45,420
so, she's hot?

25
00:00:45,430 --> 00:00:46,520
oh, she's gorgeous.

26
00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:47,590
then she's crazy.

27
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:48,890
no, she's not.

28
00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:51,490
ted, the only hot girls that troll the internet

29
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:55,650
for dudes are crazy,hookers, or dude

30
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:56,390
okay, she's not crazy.

31
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,420
she's not a hooker.

32
00:00:57,430 --> 00:00:58,350
she's not a dude.

33
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,890
there's this guy i pass on my way to work every day

34
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,450
who's all three-- scares the crap out of me.

35
00:01:03,460 --> 00:01:04,990
there is no way she is above the line

36
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,420
on the hot/crazy scale.

37
00:01:06,430 --> 00:01:07,950
she's not even on the hot/crazy scale.

38
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,150
she's just hot.

39
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,990
wait. "hot/crazy scale"?

40
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,250
let me illustrate.

41
00:01:13,260 --> 00:01:14,920
a girl is allowed to be crazy

42
00:01:14,930 --> 00:01:18,790
as long as she is equally hot.

43
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,390
thus, if she's this crazy,

44
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,390
she has to be this hot.

45
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,520
if she's this crazy,

46
00:01:23,530 --> 00:01:26,420
she has to be this hot.

47
00:01:26,430 --> 00:01:29,150
you want a girl to be above this line,

48
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,220
also known as the vickie mendoza diagonal.

49
00:01:32,230 --> 00:01:35,050
this girl i dated, she played jump rope with that line.

50
00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:37,390
she'd shave her head,then lose ten pounds.

51
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:41,050
she'd stab me with a fork,then get a boob job.

52
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,000
i should give her a call.

53
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:57,690
okay, so please,

54
00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:58,920
just play along with her fake story.

55
00:01:58,930 --> 00:02:01,190
we met in a cooking class.

56
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,350
i don't know, ted.

57
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,750
i don't know if i can just play along

58
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:06,420
with your crazy girlfriend's fake story.

59
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,320
now, if you had said fake breasts...

60
00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:09,990
she's not crazy.

61
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,520
okay. we'll see.

62
00:02:12,530 --> 00:02:16,050
long story short, thank goodness i'm such a bad cook

63
00:02:16,060 --> 00:02:19,490
or i never would have met ted.

64
00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:20,990
oh, crazy.how cute that is.

65
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,750
it's crazy.

66
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,250
you know who else has a really cute story of how they met?

67
00:02:25,260 --> 00:02:26,590
marshal and lily.

68
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,550
you guys should tell that story, right now.

69
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,050
all right.but spoiler alert.

70
00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:31,520
it ends with everyone saying, "aw!"

71
00:02:31,530 --> 00:02:32,520
aw.

72
00:02:32,530 --> 00:02:34,250
starts with it, too.

73
00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:37,250
when you've been a couple as long as marshal and lily,

74
00:02:37,260 --> 00:02:40,490
telling the how-we-met story becomes a choreographed dance.

75
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,890
it was late august, 1996.

76
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:44,890
lily and i were both freshman moving into...

77
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:47,020
hewitt hall.

78
00:02:47,030 --> 00:02:49,090
and she needed some help setting up her stereo.

79
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:52,250
for some unknown reason,

80
00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:54,490
i felt drawn to room 110.

81
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:56,020
as if she knew

82
00:02:56,030 --> 00:02:59,120
that someone very special was behind that door.

83
00:02:59,130 --> 00:03:04,220
and as fate would have it that someone was marshall.

84
00:03:04,230 --> 00:03:08,830
it was love at first sight.

85
00:03:09,430 --> 00:03:10,650
aw...

86
00:03:10,660 --> 00:03:12,950
i know, right?

87
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,720
now, they perfected that story over hundreds of tellings.

88
00:03:15,730 --> 00:03:17,690
the first time marshall told it to me,

89
00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:19,120
it was a little different.

90
00:03:19,130 --> 00:03:21,490
dude, this black-haired goth chick stopped by today.

91
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:24,890
want to tap it.

92
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,620
you guys are so lucky.

93
00:03:27,630 --> 00:03:29,350
you know, when ted and i were cooking

94
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:30,820
and our hands touched for the first time,

95
00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:32,920
i knew right then that after class

96
00:03:32,930 --> 00:03:35,320
he would take me up on the roof,kiss me and give me a rose.

97
00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:38,350
which he did!

98
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,290
say, "aw."

99
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:42,050
aw.

100
00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,450
i know, right?

101
00:03:43,460 --> 00:03:47,060
i'll get the next round,okay, guys?

102
00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:54,220
anybody would be stressed out meeting new people.

103
00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:55,650
she's not crazy.

104
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:59,090
crazy-generous maybe,buying us drinks.

105
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,730
shut up.

106
00:04:03,050 --> 00:04:05,360
so we know how marshall and lily met 

107
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,890
robin, how did you and barney meet?

108
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,190
no... 

109
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,220
no, no, no, no.

110
00:04:12,230 --> 00:04:15,820
no, no, no, no.no, no, no.

111
00:04:15,830 --> 00:04:20,190
no. no. barney and i are not together. no. no.

112
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,690
really? 16 no's?really?

113
00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:24,720
so you're...

114
00:04:24,730 --> 00:04:25,790
single?

115
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,960
yeah.

116
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,920
oh. so, pretty and single and friends with ted.

117
00:04:30,930 --> 00:04:33,890
great.

118
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,120
you know who else is friends with ted?

119
00:04:36,130 --> 00:04:37,120
marshall.

120
00:04:37,130 --> 00:04:38,350
how did we meet?

121
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,750
it was a good story.

122
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:40,920
i'm going to tell it,right now.

123
00:04:40,930 --> 00:04:42,720
uh, it was the first day of college.

124
00:04:42,730 --> 00:04:44,520
kids, to understand this story,you need to know

125
00:04:44,530 --> 00:04:46,590
that your uncle marshall was doing something

126
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,050
that lots of college kids do.

127
00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:49,450
how do i say this?

128
00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:55,230
he was, uh...let's say, eating a sandwich.

129
00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:59,250
dude, i heard the dean is coming.

130
00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:02,760
put out your sandwich.

131
00:05:09,660 --> 00:05:12,790
good afternoon, sir.

132
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,250
i'm marshall erickson.

133
00:05:14,260 --> 00:05:17,150
"sir"? no, please,just call me ted.

134
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,190
okay, dean ted.

135
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,350
someone's been eating a sandwich.

136
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,950
what? no. really?

137
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,450
i don't know 'cause i don't even know what sandwiches smell like.

138
00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:33,950
my parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school.

139
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,090
so you're bottom bunk that's cool.

140
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,490
i wanted the top bunk anyway.

141
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:39,750
what do you mean?

142
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:43,230
i'm you're new roommate.

143
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:46,790
so unfair.

144
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,220
i didn't realize ted wasn't the dean

145
00:05:48,230 --> 00:05:50,960
until later that night.

146
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:59,150
you're not the dean.

147
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,150
college-- good times.

148
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,590
oh, i get it. ted told you.i didn't go to college,

149
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,120
so now you're giving me a cute, little backhanded slap.

150
00:06:06,130 --> 00:06:08,950
oh, here we go.

151
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,620
well, while you were busy majoring

152
00:06:10,630 --> 00:06:11,950
in being freakin' beautiful,

153
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:12,950
i was starting

154
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,490
my own line of handbags.

155
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:15,920
your own line of handbags?

156
00:06:15,930 --> 00:06:17,620
that's crazy.

157
00:06:17,630 --> 00:06:19,220
these have sold in japan.

158
00:06:19,230 --> 00:06:21,050
robin, have you ever sold anything in japan?

159
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:24,790
uh, no. but i would love to buy one of them, if...

160
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,520
where can i get one?

161
00:06:26,530 --> 00:06:28,190
i don't have a distributor here yet,

162
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,620
but thanks for rubbing that in.

163
00:06:29,630 --> 00:06:31,890
why are you trying to undermine me in front of ted?

164
00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:34,590
look, there's nothing going on between me and ted.

165
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,320
wow, that just.came out of nowhere.

166
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:40,150
no, i'm just saying that you have nothing to worry about.

167
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,150
i wasn't worried.are you saying i should be?

168
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,220
no, i'm saying that you shouldn't be.

169
00:06:44,230 --> 00:06:45,290
oh, good, 'cause i'm not.

170
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:46,850
now, robin,can you just let it go?

171
00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:50,550
you're making all of us really uncomfortable.

172
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:51,590
you know what else is a good story?

173
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,990
how barney and i met.

174
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,350
barney, tell that story,right now, please.

175
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,190
okay, ted.this is a crazy story.

176
00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,590
you're going to love it.

177
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,790
tonight's the first time

178
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,190
i'm taking my deaf brother out

179
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,720
since our mom died.

180
00:07:03,730 --> 00:07:06,390
oh, i'm sorry about that.

181
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,890
no, that's okay.

182
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:09,990
i have to take care of him now.

183
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,790
of course, i have had to put my dreams on hold

184
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,420
in order to do it,but...

185
00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:18,950
i'm happy to.

186
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,890
he's my brother and i love him.

187
00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:23,950
i'm sorry,it's all still so fresh.

188
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:29,200
well, man, i'm, uh...i'm really sorry.

189
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:30,790
wow, you bought that?

190
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,050
what?

191
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,720
i just made that up in mid-pee.

192
00:07:33,730 --> 00:07:35,120
if it worked on you,it's definitely going to work

193
00:07:35,130 --> 00:07:37,750
on the blonde chick at the end of the bar.

194
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,020
unless you're a total idiot.

195
00:07:39,030 --> 00:07:40,090
what's your name?

196
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:41,390
ted.

197
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,120
are you a total idiot, ted?

198
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:46,150
well, i'm still having this conversation, so...

199
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,200
well played.

200
00:07:50,260 --> 00:07:51,890
i like you, ted.

201
00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:55,950
ted, i'm going to teach you how to live.

202
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,550
barney.we met at the urinal.

203
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,450
oh, right. hi.

204
00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:02,490
lesson one: lose the goatee;it doesn't go with your suit.

205
00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:03,650
i'm not wearing a suit.

206
00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:04,920
lesson two: get a suit.

207
00:08:04,930 --> 00:08:07,350
suits are cool--exhibit a.

208
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,850
lesson three: don't even think about getting married

209
00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:11,190
until you're 30.

210
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,850
and lesson four:

211
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,590
be totally silent for the next five minutes.

212
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,690
hey, audrey.

213
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:18,550
uh, this is my deaf brother, edward.

214
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:19,990
edward!

215
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,190
this is audrey!

216
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:28,160
you know, i actually know some sign language.

217
00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:35,520
he doesn't sign.

218
00:08:35,530 --> 00:08:37,720
he's embarrassed by his hands.

219
00:08:37,730 --> 00:08:40,760
they're tiny...and lady-like.

220
00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:47,390
what? you...are over your hand issues.

221
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,950
it's about time.

222
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,430
here. call me.

223
00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:09,690
and even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number,

224
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,990
i knew that ted and i would be each others wingmen forever.

225
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,050
barney, it's time you knew.

226
00:09:15,060 --> 00:09:17,670
um, that story actually goes a little bit differently.

227
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,750
great. funny.

228
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,790
god, with a wingman like ted,i might need to resort

229
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,720
to meeting someone in a super,desperate and lame way,

230
00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:36,500
like online.

231
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,790
online.

232
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:41,790
online.

233
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,420
oh, my god!you told them?!

234
00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:44,890
okay, yes, i told them.

235
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:46,520
but it's not a big deal.

236
00:09:46,530 --> 00:09:48,350
lots of people meet on the internet.

237
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,620
that whole scene, a stranger across a crowded room thing--

238
00:09:50,630 --> 00:09:52,390
that only happens in the movies.

239
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,690
yeah, that never happens.oh, wait, except you and robin.

240
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:57,000
that's how you guys met, right?

241
00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:05,650
wait, you guys dated?

242
00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:06,650
for how long?

243
00:10:06,660 --> 00:10:08,550
a year.

244
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,620
but don't worry.

245
00:10:09,630 --> 00:10:11,320
the relationship wasn't that good.

246
00:10:11,330 --> 00:10:13,890
by the end, it was mostly about sex.

247
00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:15,950
which was not that good.

248
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:16,990
but i was the problem.

249
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,220
i'd just lie there.

250
00:10:19,230 --> 00:10:20,490
ted is, uh,very good.

251
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:25,600
i'm sure he will get you where you need to go.

252
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,290
can i buy your bags online?

253
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:31,420
oh, oh, i see what's going on here, ted.

254
00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,320
i'm just some random girl to make robin jealous,

255
00:10:33,330 --> 00:10:34,450
and after she takes you back,

256
00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:35,920
you probably won't even remember my name.

257
00:10:35,930 --> 00:10:39,290
come on, blahblah,it's not like that.

258
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,690
well, we're closing in the half.

259
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:45,120
let's see how blahblah is doing on the crazy/hot scale.

260
00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:48,390
she started the night here,but as the night's progressed,

261
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,890
she's gotten crazier but no hotter,

262
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,350
which has caused her to drift across the mendoza diagonal

263
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,890
and dangerously close to the shelly gilespie zone.

264
00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,490
another girl i dated--

265
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,590
she gained 20 pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.

266
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,790
i'm sorry i didn't tell you, but seriously,

267
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,420
there's nothing going on with me and robin.

268
00:11:06,430 --> 00:11:08,890
then why has she been trying to undermine me all night?

269
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:09,920
i mean, look at her.

270
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:12,960
she's laughing at me right now.

271
00:11:15,530 --> 00:11:17,390
i'm sorry,it's just, you know,

272
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,920
lily and marshall's story is so romantic.

273
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,320
i just wish we had something like that.

274
00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:24,450
well, their story's not as magical as it seems.

275
00:11:24,460 --> 00:11:26,020
what do you mean?

276
00:11:26,030 --> 00:11:28,990
no, i, i can't, it's,it's kind of a secret.

277
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,950
well, how about i tell you a little secret

278
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,760
about what you might get to do later tonight?

279
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,320
the night before lily met marshall...

280
00:11:42,330 --> 00:11:43,000
...there was this party.

281
00:11:50,230 --> 00:11:51,290
you a freshwoman?

282
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:52,750
i never use the word "freshman."

283
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,120
sexist.

284
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,090
yeah, i'm a first year.

285
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:57,750
i'm in hewitt 220.

286
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,620
no way. hewitt 110.

287
00:11:59,630 --> 00:12:00,820
you should totally come by.

288
00:12:00,830 --> 00:12:03,520
maybe i will, hewitt 110.

289
00:12:03,530 --> 00:12:05,150
chug! chug! chug!

290
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,720
chug! chug! chug!

291
00:12:06,730 --> 00:12:09,430
chug!chug! chug!

292
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,320
look at these drunk idiots.

293
00:12:15,330 --> 00:12:17,990
hey, don't drink their two dollar beer.

294
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,220
this is a pinot noir.

295
00:12:19,230 --> 00:12:22,260
from europe.

296
00:12:24,730 --> 00:12:26,750
oh, it's fruity.

297
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,450
yeah, i cut it with some cranberry juice.

298
00:12:28,460 --> 00:12:31,160
it was pretty strong.

299
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,450
do you have a girlfriend?

300
00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:35,950
yeah.

301
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,250
not sure about the whole "long distance" thing, though.

302
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:39,320
it's like descartes says.

303
00:12:39,330 --> 00:12:40,950
"in order to determine

304
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,590
"whether there is anything we can know with certainty,

305
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,890
we first have to doubt everything we know."

306
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,460
you know?

307
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,590
but as drunk as she was, when she woke up the next morning,

308
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,820
she still remembered room 110.

309
00:12:58,830 --> 00:13:00,650
that's why she knocked on the door.

310
00:13:00,660 --> 00:13:02,020
she was looking for me.

311
00:13:02,030 --> 00:13:03,150
oh, my god.

312
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,750
yeah, and in all these years,

313
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,620
lily and i have never even spoken about it,

314
00:13:06,630 --> 00:13:08,250
so again, mum's thword, okay?

315
00:13:08,260 --> 00:13:09,990
you have to tell marshall.

316
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,650
no, if, if he heard that, it would destroy him.

317
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:16,150
if you don't tell him...

318
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,250
...i will.

319
00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:21,700
oh, come on, you wouldn't.

320
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,120
so, lily,how did you and ted meet?

321
00:13:29,130 --> 00:13:31,620
come on, lily, the real story.

322
00:13:31,630 --> 00:13:33,550
i don't think anyone wants to hear that story.

323
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:37,520
aw, don't be embarrassed, ted,it was a long time ago.

324
00:13:37,530 --> 00:13:39,950
and i made a huge mistake last night,

325
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,820
but it's like descartes says.

326
00:13:41,830 --> 00:13:43,150
"in order to determine whether there is anything

327
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,520
"we can know with certainty,

328
00:13:44,530 --> 00:13:47,930
we first have to doubt everything we know."

329
00:13:48,430 --> 00:13:52,320
and i now know for certain that i love you, karen.

330
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,720
anyway, call me back when you get this.

331
00:13:54,730 --> 00:13:56,350
i'm also going down to the computer center

332
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,800
to send you an electronic mail.

333
00:14:00,860 --> 00:14:02,950
ted.

334
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,390
this is lily.

335
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:08,220
no, no, i'm sorry,but i love karen.

336
00:14:08,230 --> 00:14:11,250
yes, that is the unabridged story of how lily and i met.

337
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:12,720
how embarrassing.

338
00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:14,150
-who wants another round? -that's not the story.

339
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,250
ted, tell 'em.

340
00:14:15,260 --> 00:14:16,550
tell us what?um, lily,

341
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,020
will you help us get the next round?

342
00:14:18,030 --> 00:14:19,950
ted, what's going on?

343
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:24,150
she knows about us,about how we really met.

344
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,950
yeah, i know,i just told her.

345
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,890
no, the real story.

346
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,990
ted, what are you talking about?

347
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,720
lily... come on.

348
00:14:32,730 --> 00:14:34,150
come on, what?

349
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,390
lily... come on.

350
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,550
ted, i honestly don't know what you're talking about.

351
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,250
lily... come on.

352
00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:46,190
i know that you and ted made out

353
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,120
the night before you met marshall.

354
00:14:48,130 --> 00:14:49,220
what?

355
00:14:49,230 --> 00:14:50,450
ted and i never made out.

356
00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:52,290
yeah... we did.

357
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,720
i only made out with one other guy in college

358
00:14:54,730 --> 00:14:58,050
before i met marshall, and it was just some random dude.

359
00:14:58,060 --> 00:15:00,120
i, i don't even remember his name.

360
00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:01,820
i just call him too much tongue guy.

361
00:15:01,830 --> 00:15:03,520
what? too much tongue guy?

362
00:15:03,530 --> 00:15:05,290
well, i'm not surprised to hear that

363
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:07,450
coming from unreasonably small mouth opening girl.

364
00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:09,120
that wasn't me.

365
00:15:09,130 --> 00:15:11,790
yes, it was, at the freshman orientation party.

366
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,990
no, no, no, no, no.

367
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,090
no, no.

368
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:19,920
no, no, no, no, no!

369
00:15:19,930 --> 00:15:21,520
how much fun is this?

370
00:15:21,530 --> 00:15:24,320
all of us reminiscing about how we met me?

371
00:15:24,330 --> 00:15:26,720
robin, have i told you how i met marshall?

372
00:15:26,730 --> 00:15:28,290
uh, yeah,like five or six times--

373
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,890
it was right over there.

374
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,150
here's your problem.

375
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,120
you've only slept with one woman.

376
00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:35,450
those kind of stats are only okay if you're 11,

377
00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:36,450
but tonight

378
00:15:36,460 --> 00:15:38,650
we're getting you a new girl

379
00:15:38,660 --> 00:15:40,320
because,marshall eriksen,

380
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:44,550
from this moment on, i make all your decisions for you.

381
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,690
i'm sorry,who, who are you again?

382
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,490
this is barney; i met him the other day.

383
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:51,520
he's kind of a jackass.

384
00:15:51,530 --> 00:15:53,520
i'm teaching ted how to live,

385
00:15:53,530 --> 00:15:55,790
and-- lucky you-- i have room for one more student.

386
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,290
think of me as yoda

387
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,850
as yoda, only instead of being little and green,

388
00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:01,990
i wear suits and i'm awesome.

389
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,290
i'm your bro.

390
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:04,820
i'm bro-da.

391
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:06,150
and tonight,

392
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,690
you're going to use the force

393
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,290
to get the hottest chick in this bar into bed.

394
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:11,990
he's going to use force?

395
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,420
cause that sounds wrong, bro-da.

396
00:16:14,430 --> 00:16:16,020
no, the force.

397
00:16:16,030 --> 00:16:17,950
it's a star wars reference.

398
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,920
so we should make lots of star wars references around girls.

399
00:16:19,930 --> 00:16:21,320
that's what you're saying?

400
00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:23,320
i'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend.

401
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,690
yes, you are, with the hottiest that just walked in.

402
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:27,650
look at her.

403
00:16:27,660 --> 00:16:29,220
how much hotter is she

404
00:16:29,230 --> 00:16:31,720
than your girlfriend?

405
00:16:31,730 --> 00:16:34,690
there's no comparison.

406
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:35,720
what do you think, ted?

407
00:16:35,730 --> 00:16:36,720
-no. -should i go for it?

408
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:37,920
don't do it, man.

409
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,050
i mean, think about lily.

410
00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:41,320
you know what? i don't care.

411
00:16:41,330 --> 00:16:43,350
i've been with one woman for too long.

412
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,430
i need me some strange.

413
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:48,690
pep talk.

414
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:50,320
you can do this,

415
00:16:50,330 --> 00:16:52,950
but to be more accurate, you probably can't.

416
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,950
you're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you,

417
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,350
so remember, tonight isn't about scoring.

418
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,250
it's about believing that you can do it

419
00:17:02,260 --> 00:17:05,220
even though you probably can't.

420
00:17:05,230 --> 00:17:08,000
go get 'em, tiger.

421
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:19,000
poor guy's going to crash and burn.

422
00:17:21,130 --> 00:17:24,590
that man is a god.

423
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:25,650
for like a week after,

424
00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:27,750
barney followed me around

425
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,490
asking me to teach him how to live.

426
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,350
i even got him to do my laundry once.

427
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:34,390
i thought it was a mr.miyagi kind of thing.

428
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,520
marshall, i need to talk to you.

429
00:17:36,530 --> 00:17:38,120
can we go somewhere in private?

430
00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:39,790
yeah, of course. what's wrong?

431
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,250
lily and ted made out.

432
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:44,050
what do you think of that, robin?

433
00:17:44,060 --> 00:17:45,350
what are you talking about?

434
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,020
you know that guy i made out with

435
00:17:47,030 --> 00:17:48,990
at the freshman orientation party?

436
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,920
too much tongue guy, yeah.

437
00:17:50,930 --> 00:17:52,320
and you know that girl i made out with

438
00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:53,890
at the freshman orientation party?

439
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:57,020
unreasonably small mouth opening girl, yeah.

440
00:17:57,030 --> 00:17:58,490
i'm too much tongue guy.

441
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:01,120
and i'm unreasonably small mouth opening girl.

442
00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:03,320
worst superheroes ever.

443
00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:05,750
oh, baby, i am so sorry.

444
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,390
i dot think you need to be.

445
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,590
i was at that party.

446
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,250
it was dark and, granted,

447
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:13,790
i had eaten quite a few sandwiches, but i'm 100% sure

448
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,720
that unreasonably small mouth opening girl

449
00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:17,620
was alexa leskeys, not lily.

450
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:18,650
really?

451
00:18:18,660 --> 00:18:20,020
yeah, i'm positive,

452
00:18:20,030 --> 00:18:22,920
and too much tongue guy was colin o'reilly.

453
00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:23,950
are you sure?

454
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,290
if it wasn't,

455
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:29,030
i peed in the wrong guy's shampoo, man.

456
00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:32,220
you don't really believe that, do you?

457
00:18:32,230 --> 00:18:36,550
you swore it was lily.

458
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,250
i guess i made a mistake.

459
00:18:39,260 --> 00:18:41,650
must have been alexa.

460
00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:44,350
another girl, ted?

461
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,890
who haven't you made out with?

462
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,690
you know what? i don't need this.

463
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:49,790
i design handbags, i'm writing a memoir,

464
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,120
i'm a superstar, this is totally my year.

465
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:54,450
someday the name blahblah will be up in lights.

466
00:18:54,460 --> 00:18:56,550
and, ted, next time you're online

467
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,920
playing world of warcraft,

468
00:18:57,930 --> 00:19:01,460
don't even think about chatting with me.

469
00:19:03,330 --> 00:19:06,220
world of warcraft?

470
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,350
the online

471
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:08,850
role-playing game?

472
00:19:08,860 --> 00:19:10,350
that's how you two

473
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,490
"met online"?

474
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:26,190
yeah, it's a really--it's a cool game.

475
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,820
so suffice it to say,

476
00:19:27,830 --> 00:19:30,490
blahblah did not turn out to be your mother,

477
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,690
and as for the girl i made out with at the party,

478
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:35,350
there wasn't a doubt in my mind that was your aunt lily.

479
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,190
but, you know, that magical story

480
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,020
of how she and uncle marshall met,

481
00:19:39,030 --> 00:19:42,690
it was worth preserving, so i kept my mouth shut.

482
00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:45,050
i guess i made a mistake.

483
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:46,550
must have been alexa.

484
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,450
until our 20th college reunion

485
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:52,850
when i ran into alexa leskeys.

486
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:57,420
so, ted, remember the last time we were here?

487
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,420
you and me?

488
00:19:58,430 --> 00:19:59,420
no idea.

489
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:03,220
ted... come on.

490
00:20:03,230 --> 00:20:07,460
freshman year, we were both pretty drunk?

491
00:20:13,430 --> 00:20:16,090
that was you?

492
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,150
lily, we never made out.

493
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,250
i know.

494
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:22,550
so i am not too much tongue guy.

495
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,030
actually...

496
00:20:29,830 --> 00:20:33,920
look what i've confiscated from some kids.

497
00:20:33,930 --> 00:20:36,420
that is a fat sandwich.

498
00:20:36,430 --> 00:20:40,230
i know, right?

499
00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:49,730
chew, chew, chew,chew, swallow.

500
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:53,890
oh, that's all right,honey.

501
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:56,520
sandwiches are strong these days.

502
00:20:56,530 --> 00:20:58,090
i can't believe i used to be able to eat

503
00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,020
a whole sandwich by myself.

504
00:21:00,030 --> 00:21:03,320
now it's like two bites and i am done.

505
00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:05,420
baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?

506
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:08,660
dude, we're 42.

507
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,030
w-w-where's my wife?