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Kids, back on the falls of 2007
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I was dating the girl named...
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Oh God, what was her name?
4
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It's been 23 years,
I can't remember all this stuff.
5
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For the sake of the story,
let's call her...
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Everyone, this is Blahblah.
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Please, call me Blah.
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So, Blah, how did you two meet?
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Well, I was taking this
cooking class,
10
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French Fusion, and everyone
already had a partner,
11
00:00:21,706 --> 00:00:24,306
but then I looked up
and across a crowded room,
12
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I saw Ted. It was magical.
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It was so magical.
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Except it wasn't.
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She's going to tell some bogus
story about a cooking class
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because she's embarrassed
we met online.
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- Ai Chihuahua!
- What?
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What? There's no stigma anymore.
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Oh, there's a stigma.
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That's why people always say,
"There's no stigma anymore."
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- So, she's hot?
- Oh, she's gorgeous.
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Then she's crazy.
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No, she's not.
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Ted, the only hot girls that troll
the Internet for dudes are crazy,
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hookers, or dudes.
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Okay, she's not crazy.
She's not a hooker. She's not a dude.
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There's this guy I pass on my way
to work every day who's all three...
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scares the crap out of me.
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There is no way she is above
the line on the Hot/Crazy scale.
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She's not even on
the Hot/Crazy scale.
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She's just hot.
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Wait. "Hot/Crazy scale"?
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Let me illustrate.
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A girl is allowed to be crazy
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as long as she is equally hot.
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Thus, if she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.
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If she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.
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You want a girl
to be above this line,
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also known
as the Vickie Mendoza Diagonal.
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This girl I dated, she played
jump rope with that line.
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She'd shave her head,
then lose ten pounds.
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She'd stab me with a fork,
then get a boob job.
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I should give her a call.
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Sync by vNaru
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Okay, so please, just play along
with her fake story.
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We met in a cooking class.
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I don't know, Ted.
48
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I don't know if I can
just play along
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with your crazy girlfriend's
fake story.
50
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Now, if you had said
fake breasts...
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She's not crazy.
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Okay. We'll see.
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Long story short, thank goodness
I'm such a bad cook,
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or I never would have met Ted.
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Oh, crazy how cute that is.
It's crazy.
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You know who else has a really
cute story of how they met?
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Marshal and Lily. You guys should
tell that story, right now.
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All right. But spoiler alert.
It ends with everyone saying, "Aw!"
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- Aw.
- Starts with it, too.
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When you've been a couple
as long as Marshal and Lily,
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telling the how-we-met story
becomes a choreographed dance.
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It was late August, 1996.
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Lily and I were both
freshman moving into...
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- Hewitt Hall.
- Hewitt Hall.
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And she needed some help
setting up her stereo.
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For some unknown reason,
I felt drawn to room 110.
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As if she knew that someone
very special was behind that door.
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And as fate would have it...
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...that someone...
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...was Marshall.
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- It was love at first sight.
- It was love at first sight.
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- Hi.
- Hi.
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- Aw...
- I know, right?
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Now, they perfected that story
over hundreds of tellings.
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The first time Marshall
told it to me,
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it was a little different.
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Dude, this black-haired
Goth chick stopped by today.
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Want to tap it.
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You guys are so lucky.
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You know, when Ted and I
were cooking
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and our hands touched
for the first time,
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I knew right then that after class
he would take me up on the roof,
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kiss me and give me a rose.
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Which he did!
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- Say, "Aw."
- Aw.
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I know, right?
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I'll get the next round,
okay, guys?
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Anybody would be stressed out
meeting new people.
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She's not crazy.
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Crazy-generous maybe,
buying us drinks.
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Shut up.
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00:04:03,206 --> 00:04:05,606
So we know how Marshal
and Lily met.
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Robin, how did you and Barney meet?
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No...
No, no, no, no.
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No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
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No. Barney and I
are not together. No.
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No.
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Really? 16 no's?
Really?
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- So you're... single?
- Yeah.
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Oh. So, pretty and, single and,
friends with Ted.
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Great.
102
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You know who else is friends
with Ted? Marshall.
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How did we meet? It was a good story.
I'm going to tell it, right now.
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Uh, it was the first
day of college.
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Kids, to understand this story,
you need to know
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that your Uncle Marshall was doing
something that lots of college kids do.
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How do I say this?
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He was, uh...
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let's say, eating a sandwich.
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Dude, I heard the dean is coming.
Put out your sandwich.
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Good afternoon, sir.
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- I'm Marshall Erickson.
- "Sir"?
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No, please, just call me Ted.
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Okay,
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Dean Ted.
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Someone's been eating a sandwich.
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What? No. Really?
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I don't know 'cause I don't even
know what sandwiches smell like.
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My parents are going to donate
a lot of money to this school.
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So you're bottom bunk;
that's cool.
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I wanted the top bunk anyway.
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What do you mean?
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I'm you're new roommate.
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So unfair.
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I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean
until later that night.
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You're not the dean.
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College... good times.
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Oh, I get it. Ted told you
I didn't go to college,
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so now you're giving me a cute,
little backhanded slap.
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Oh, here we go.
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Well, while you were busy majoring
in being freakin' beautiful,
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I was starting
my own line of handbags.
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Your own line of handbags?
That's crazy.
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These have sold in Japan. Robin,
have you ever sold anything in Japan?
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Uh, no. But I would love
to buy one of them, if...
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Where can I get one?
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I don't have a distributor here yet,
but than for rubbing that in.
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Why are you trying
to undermine me in front of Ted?
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Look, there's nothing going on
between me and Ted.
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Wow, that just...
came out of nowhere.
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No, I'm just saying that you
have nothing to worry about.
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I wasn't worried.
Are you saying I should be?
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No, I'm saying
that you shouldn't be.
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Oh, good, 'cause I'm not.
Now, Robin, can you just let it go?
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You're making all of us
really uncomfortable.
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You know what else is
a good story?
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How Barney and I met.
Barney, tell that story,
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right now, please.
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Okay, Ted.
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This is a crazy story.
You're going to love it.
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Tonight's the first time I'm taking my
deaf brother out
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since our mom died.
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- Oh, I'm sorry about that.
- No, that's okay.
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I have to take care
of him now.
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Of course,
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I have had to put my dreams
on hold in order to do it, but...
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I'm happy to.
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He's my brother
and I love him.
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I'm sorry,
it's all still so fresh.
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Well, man, I'm, uh...
I'm really sorry.
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Wow, you bought that?
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What?
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I just made that up
in mid-pee.
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If it worked on you,
it's definitely going to work
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on the blonde chick
at the end of the bar.
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Unless you're a total idiot.
What's your name?
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- Ted.
- Are you a total idiot, Ted?
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Well, I'm still having
this conversation, so...
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Well played.
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I like you, Ted.
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Ted, I'm going to teach
you how to live.
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Barney.
We met at the urinal.
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- Oh, right. Hi.
- Lesson one:
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Lose the goatee;
it doesn't go with your suit.
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I'm not wearing a suit.
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Lesson two: Get a suit.
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00:08:05,206 --> 00:08:07,406
Suits are cool...
Exhibit A.
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00:08:08,406 --> 00:08:11,406
Lesson three: Don't even think about
getting married until you're 30.
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And lesson four:
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Be totally silent for
the next five minutes.
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Hey, Audrey.
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Uh, this is
my deaf brother, Edward.
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Edward!
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This is Audrey!
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You know, I actually know
some sign language.
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00:08:29,006 --> 00:08:31,906
"Hi, my name is Audrey."
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"Nice to meet you."
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He doesn't sign.
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He's embarrassed by his hands.
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They're tiny...
and lady-like.
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"I'm Edward."
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"Nice to meet you to."
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What? You...
are over your hand issues.
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It's about time.
195
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"My brother's a great guy."
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00:08:53,506 --> 00:08:56,406
"You shoul give him
your phone number."
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Here. Call me.
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00:09:07,306 --> 00:09:10,006
And even though that girl ended
up giving me a fake number,
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00:09:10,106 --> 00:09:13,406
I knew that Ted and I would be
each others wingmen forever.
200
00:09:13,906 --> 00:09:15,806
Barney, it's
time you knew, um.
201
00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,606
That story actually goes
a little bit differently.
202
00:09:18,206 --> 00:09:19,506
"He's lying to you."
203
00:09:19,606 --> 00:09:22,006
"Just give him a fake number."
204
00:09:26,106 --> 00:09:28,106
Great. Funny.
205
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:31,006
God, with a wingman like Ted,
I might need to resort to
206
00:09:31,006 --> 00:09:33,606
meeting someone in a super,
desperate and lame way,
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00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:35,106
like online.
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00:09:38,006 --> 00:09:39,006
Online.
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00:09:41,106 --> 00:09:43,406
- Online.
- Oh, my God! You told them?!
210
00:09:43,806 --> 00:09:46,306
Okay, yes, I told them.
But it's not a big deal.
211
00:09:46,306 --> 00:09:48,506
Lots of people meet
on the Internet.
212
00:09:48,606 --> 00:09:50,806
That whole scene, a stranger
across a crowded room thing...
213
00:09:50,906 --> 00:09:52,006
that only happens in the movies.
214
00:09:52,106 --> 00:09:53,506
Yeah, that never happens.
215
00:09:53,506 --> 00:09:56,306
Oh, wait, except you and Robin.
That's how you guys met, right?
216
00:10:02,306 --> 00:10:03,306
Wait,
217
00:10:03,806 --> 00:10:05,106
you guys dated?
218
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,506
- For how long?
- A year.
219
00:10:08,506 --> 00:10:11,506
But don't worry.
The relationship wasn't that good.
220
00:10:11,506 --> 00:10:13,306
By the end,
it was mostly about sex.
221
00:10:14,206 --> 00:10:16,206
Which was not that good.
222
00:10:16,506 --> 00:10:19,106
But I was the problem.
I'd just lie there.
223
00:10:19,506 --> 00:10:21,206
Ted is, uh, very good.
224
00:10:21,306 --> 00:10:24,206
I'm sure he will get you
where you need to go.
225
00:10:26,806 --> 00:10:28,306
Can I buy your bags online?
226
00:10:28,706 --> 00:10:31,506
Oh, oh, I see what's
going on here, Ted.
227
00:10:31,606 --> 00:10:33,506
I'm just some random girl
to make Robin jealous,
228
00:10:33,506 --> 00:10:34,606
and after she takes you back,
229
00:10:34,606 --> 00:10:36,206
you probably won't
even remember my name.
230
00:10:36,406 --> 00:10:38,806
Come on, Blahblah,
it's not like that.
231
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:41,606
Well, we're closing in
on the half.
232
00:10:41,706 --> 00:10:43,806
Let's see how Blahblah is doing
on the Crazy/Hot scale.
233
00:10:45,306 --> 00:10:48,506
She started the night here,
but as the night's progressed,
234
00:10:48,506 --> 00:10:51,006
she's gotten crazier
but no hotter,
235
00:10:51,106 --> 00:10:54,406
which has caused her to drift
across the Mendoza Diagonal
236
00:10:54,506 --> 00:10:58,006
and dangerously close
to the Shelly Gilespie Zone.
237
00:10:58,206 --> 00:10:59,506
Another girl I dated...
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00:10:59,606 --> 00:11:01,906
she gained 20 pounds and tried
to kill me with a brick.
239
00:11:03,006 --> 00:11:04,406
I'm sorry I didn't tell you,
240
00:11:04,506 --> 00:11:06,606
but seriously, there's nothing
going on with me and Robin.
241
00:11:06,606 --> 00:11:09,106
Then why has she been trying
to undermine me all night?
242
00:11:09,206 --> 00:11:11,706
I mean, look at her.
She's laughing at me right now.
243
00:11:15,406 --> 00:11:17,306
I'm sorry, it's just...
244
00:11:17,406 --> 00:11:20,006
you know, Lily and Marshall's story
is so romantic.
245
00:11:20,006 --> 00:11:22,406
I just wish we had
something like that.
246
00:11:22,406 --> 00:11:24,806
Well, their story's not
as magical as it seems.
247
00:11:25,006 --> 00:11:26,206
What do you mean?
248
00:11:26,606 --> 00:11:29,406
No, I, I can't, it's,
it's kind of a secret.
249
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,806
Well how about I tell you a little secret
250
00:11:31,806 --> 00:11:34,306
about what you
might get to do later tonight?
251
00:11:41,306 --> 00:11:43,306
The night before Lily met Marshall
there was this party.
252
00:11:50,406 --> 00:11:51,406
You a freshwoman?
253
00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:53,906
I never use the word "freshman."
Sexist.
254
00:11:54,306 --> 00:11:57,506
Yeah, I'm a first year.
I'm in Hewitt 220.
255
00:11:57,906 --> 00:12:01,106
No way. Hewitt 110.
You should totally come by.
256
00:12:01,206 --> 00:12:03,806
Maybe I will, Hewitt 110.
257
00:12:03,906 --> 00:12:09,406
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
258
00:12:13,906 --> 00:12:15,606
Look at these drunk idiots.
259
00:12:16,106 --> 00:12:17,606
Hey, don't drink
their two dollar beer.
260
00:12:18,206 --> 00:12:19,306
This is a pinot noir.
261
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:20,806
From Europe.
262
00:12:25,406 --> 00:12:27,206
- Oh, it's fruity.
- Yeah,
263
00:12:27,506 --> 00:12:29,606
I cut it with some cranberry juice.
It was pretty strong.
264
00:12:32,306 --> 00:12:34,406
So, uh...
do you have a girlfriend?
265
00:12:34,706 --> 00:12:35,506
Yeah.
266
00:12:36,206 --> 00:12:38,406
Not sure about the whole
"long distance" thing, though.
267
00:12:38,806 --> 00:12:39,706
It's like Descartes says.
268
00:12:40,306 --> 00:12:43,106
"In order to determine whether there is
anything we can know with certainty,
269
00:12:43,606 --> 00:12:45,806
we first have to doubt
everything we know."
270
00:12:46,606 --> 00:12:47,806
You know?
271
00:12:54,206 --> 00:12:56,606
But as drunk as she was, when
she woke up the next morning,
272
00:12:57,206 --> 00:13:00,306
she still remembered room 110.
That's why she knocked on the door.
273
00:13:00,406 --> 00:13:03,406
- She was looking for me.
- Oh, my God.
274
00:13:03,406 --> 00:13:06,906
Yeah, and in all these years, Lily and
I have never even spoken about it,
275
00:13:06,906 --> 00:13:08,306
so again, mum's
the word, okay?
276
00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:10,106
You have to tell Marshall.
277
00:13:10,606 --> 00:13:12,706
No, if, if he heard that,
it would destroy him.
278
00:13:14,606 --> 00:13:18,006
If you don't tell him...
...I will.
279
00:13:18,706 --> 00:13:20,206
Oh, come on, you wouldn't.
280
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:29,506
So, Lily,
how did you and Ted meet?
281
00:13:30,406 --> 00:13:31,906
Come on, Lily, the real story.
282
00:13:31,906 --> 00:13:33,806
I don't think anyone wants
to hear that story.
283
00:13:33,906 --> 00:13:36,906
Aw, don't be embarrassed, Ted,
it was a long time ago.
284
00:13:38,106 --> 00:13:40,206
And I made a huge mistake
last night,
285
00:13:40,206 --> 00:13:41,606
but it's like
Descartes says.
286
00:13:41,906 --> 00:13:44,906
"In order to determine whether there is
anything we can know with certainty,
287
00:13:44,906 --> 00:13:47,006
we first have to doubt
everything we know."
288
00:13:48,806 --> 00:13:51,606
And I now know for certain
that I love you, Karen.
289
00:13:52,506 --> 00:13:54,206
Anyway, call me back
when you get this.
290
00:13:55,406 --> 00:13:58,806
I'm also going down to the computer
center to send you an electronic mail.
291
00:14:03,506 --> 00:14:06,906
- This is Lily.
- No, no, I'm sorry, but I love Karen.
292
00:14:09,006 --> 00:14:11,606
Yes, that is the unabridged
story of how Lily and I met.
293
00:14:11,606 --> 00:14:13,506
How embarrassing.
Who wants another round?
294
00:14:13,506 --> 00:14:16,206
- That's not the story. Ted, tell 'em.
- Tell us what?
295
00:14:16,206 --> 00:14:18,206
Um, Lily, will you help us get
the next round?
296
00:14:19,806 --> 00:14:22,606
- Ted, what's going on?
- She knows about us,
297
00:14:22,706 --> 00:14:26,006
- about how we really met.
- Yeah, I know, I just told her.
298
00:14:26,106 --> 00:14:28,706
No, the real story.
299
00:14:28,806 --> 00:14:30,506
Ted, what are you
talking about?
300
00:14:30,606 --> 00:14:33,106
Lily... come on.
301
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:34,806
Come on, what?
302
00:14:35,006 --> 00:14:37,606
Lily... come on.
303
00:14:38,306 --> 00:14:40,706
Ted, I honestly don't know
what you're talking about.
304
00:14:40,806 --> 00:14:43,606
Lily... come on.
305
00:14:44,906 --> 00:14:48,106
I know that you and Ted made out
the night before you met Marshall.
306
00:14:48,506 --> 00:14:49,706
What?
307
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:52,606
- Ted and I never made out.
- Yeah... we did.
308
00:14:52,706 --> 00:14:56,506
I only made out with one other guy
in college before I met Marshall,
309
00:14:56,606 --> 00:15:00,506
and it was just some random dude.
I, I don't even remember his name.
310
00:15:00,506 --> 00:15:02,406
I just call him
Too Much Tongue Guy.
311
00:15:02,506 --> 00:15:04,506
What? Too Much Tongue Guy?
312
00:15:04,506 --> 00:15:05,706
Well, I'm not surprised to hear that
coming from
313
00:15:05,806 --> 00:15:07,906
Unreasonably Small Mouth
Opening Girl.
314
00:15:08,306 --> 00:15:09,506
That wasn't me.
315
00:15:09,506 --> 00:15:12,006
Yes, it was, at the
freshman orientation party.
316
00:15:12,106 --> 00:15:15,306
No, no, no, no, no.
317
00:15:15,406 --> 00:15:19,306
No, no.
No, no, no, no, nooo!
318
00:15:20,406 --> 00:15:21,806
How much fun is this?
319
00:15:21,906 --> 00:15:24,506
All of us reminiscing
about how we met me?
320
00:15:24,706 --> 00:15:27,006
Robin, have I told you
how I met Marshall?
321
00:15:27,106 --> 00:15:29,806
- Uh, yeah, like five or six ti--
- It was right over there.
322
00:15:30,506 --> 00:15:33,306
Here's your problem.
You've only slept with one woman.
323
00:15:33,406 --> 00:15:35,706
Those kind of stats
are only okay if you're 11,
324
00:15:36,106 --> 00:15:39,006
but tonight
we're getting you a new girl
325
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:41,906
because, Marshall Eriksen,
from this moment on,
326
00:15:42,106 --> 00:15:44,706
I make all your decisions for you.
327
00:15:45,606 --> 00:15:47,806
I'm sorry, who,
who are you again?
328
00:15:48,706 --> 00:15:50,906
This is Barney, I met
him the other day.
329
00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:52,006
He's kind of a jackass.
330
00:15:52,006 --> 00:15:53,706
I'm teaching Ted how to live,
331
00:15:53,806 --> 00:15:56,406
and, lucky you, I have room
for one more student.
332
00:15:56,506 --> 00:15:58,306
Think of me as Yoda,
333
00:15:58,506 --> 00:16:02,006
only instead of being little and green,
I wear suits and I'm awesome.
334
00:16:02,406 --> 00:16:04,906
I'm your bro.
I'm Bro-da.
335
00:16:05,306 --> 00:16:07,806
And tonight,
you're going to use The Force
336
00:16:07,906 --> 00:16:10,606
to get the hottest chick
in this bar into bed.
337
00:16:10,806 --> 00:16:12,406
He's going to use force?
338
00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,306
'Cause that sounds
wrong, Bro-da.
339
00:16:14,906 --> 00:16:18,206
No, The Force.
It's a Star Wars reference.
340
00:16:18,306 --> 00:16:20,206
So we should make lots of
Star Wars references around girls.
341
00:16:20,306 --> 00:16:21,606
That's what you're saying?
342
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,606
I'm not going to cheat
on my girlfriend.
343
00:16:23,706 --> 00:16:27,206
Yes, you are, with the hottie
that just walked in.
344
00:16:27,306 --> 00:16:28,706
Look at her.
345
00:16:28,806 --> 00:16:31,806
How much hotter
is she than your girlfriend?
346
00:16:33,106 --> 00:16:35,106
There's no comparison.
347
00:16:35,206 --> 00:16:37,206
What do you think, Ted?
Should I go for it?
348
00:16:37,306 --> 00:16:39,906
Don't do it, man.
I mean, think about Lily.
349
00:16:40,406 --> 00:16:41,906
You know what?
I don't care.
350
00:16:42,006 --> 00:16:45,306
I've been with one woman for too long.
I need me some strange.
351
00:16:45,806 --> 00:16:48,806
Yes! Yes!
Pep talk.
352
00:16:49,106 --> 00:16:52,006
You can do this,
but to be more accurate,
353
00:16:52,006 --> 00:16:53,606
you probably can't.
354
00:16:53,806 --> 00:16:56,606
You're way out of practice and
she is way too hot for you,
355
00:16:56,706 --> 00:16:59,606
so remember, tonight
isn't about scoring.
356
00:16:59,806 --> 00:17:02,406
It's about believing
that you can do it
357
00:17:02,506 --> 00:17:04,706
even though
you probably can't.
358
00:17:05,406 --> 00:17:07,006
Go get 'em, tiger.
359
00:17:16,006 --> 00:17:18,306
Poor guy's going
to crash and burn.
360
00:17:22,006 --> 00:17:24,306
That man is a god.
361
00:17:25,706 --> 00:17:28,106
For like a week after,
Barney followed me around
362
00:17:28,106 --> 00:17:29,906
asking me
to teach him how to live.
363
00:17:30,006 --> 00:17:32,106
I even got him
to do my laundry once.
364
00:17:32,406 --> 00:17:34,306
I thought it was a Mr.
Miyagi kind of thing.
365
00:17:35,506 --> 00:17:38,506
Marshall, I need to talk to you.
Can we go somewhere in private?
366
00:17:38,606 --> 00:17:40,206
Yeah, of course.
What's wrong?
367
00:17:40,306 --> 00:17:41,606
Lily and Ted made out.
368
00:17:41,806 --> 00:17:43,506
What do you think of that,
Robin?
369
00:17:44,306 --> 00:17:45,606
What are you talking about?
370
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:49,506
You know that guy I made out with
at the freshman orientation party?
371
00:17:49,606 --> 00:17:51,206
Too Much Tongue Guy, yeah.
372
00:17:51,306 --> 00:17:54,206
And you know that girl I made out with
at the freshman orientation party?
373
00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:56,906
Unreasonably Small
Mouth Opening Girl, yeah.
374
00:17:57,506 --> 00:17:58,406
I'm Too Much Tongue Guy.
375
00:17:58,506 --> 00:18:01,106
And I'm Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl.
376
00:18:01,506 --> 00:18:03,506
Worst superheroes ever.
377
00:18:03,906 --> 00:18:06,406
Oh, baby, I am so sorry.
378
00:18:06,706 --> 00:18:07,906
I don't think
you need to be.
379
00:18:07,906 --> 00:18:10,406
I was at that party.
It was dark and, granted,
380
00:18:10,406 --> 00:18:12,806
I had eaten quite a few
sandwiches, but,
381
00:18:12,906 --> 00:18:16,106
I'm 100% sure that Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl
382
00:18:16,106 --> 00:18:18,106
was Alexa Leskeys, not Lily.
383
00:18:18,406 --> 00:18:19,406
- Really?
- Yeah,
384
00:18:19,506 --> 00:18:23,306
I'm positive, and Too Much Tongue
Guy was Colin O'Reilly.
385
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:24,706
Are you sure?
386
00:18:24,806 --> 00:18:27,806
If it wasn't, I peed in the wrong
guy's shampoo, man.
387
00:18:30,706 --> 00:18:32,706
You don't really
believe that, do you?
388
00:18:32,706 --> 00:18:34,706
You swore it was Lily.
389
00:18:37,306 --> 00:18:39,006
I guess I made a mistake.
390
00:18:39,706 --> 00:18:41,106
Must have been Alexa.
391
00:18:42,406 --> 00:18:44,106
Another girl, Ted?
392
00:18:44,506 --> 00:18:46,206
Who haven't you made out with?
393
00:18:46,506 --> 00:18:48,106
You know what?
I don't need this.
394
00:18:48,106 --> 00:18:50,206
I design handbags,
I'm writing a memoir,
395
00:18:50,206 --> 00:18:52,506
I'm a superstar,
this is totally my year.
396
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:55,206
Someday the name Blahblah
will be up in lights.
397
00:18:55,206 --> 00:18:58,306
And, Ted, next time you're online
playing World of Warcraft,
398
00:18:58,306 --> 00:19:00,806
don't even think
about chatting with me.
399
00:19:04,606 --> 00:19:06,906
World of Warcraft?
400
00:19:07,306 --> 00:19:09,206
The online
role-playing game?
401
00:19:09,206 --> 00:19:12,406
That's how you two
"met online"?
402
00:19:13,406 --> 00:19:16,906
"We shoul grab some
coffee sometime..."
403
00:19:17,206 --> 00:19:20,006
"Yes, we should."
404
00:19:20,006 --> 00:19:21,706
"What's your name?"
405
00:19:22,106 --> 00:19:24,206
"Ted. What's yours?"
406
00:19:24,806 --> 00:19:26,306
Yeah, it's a really...
it's a cool game.
407
00:19:27,106 --> 00:19:28,506
So suffice it to say,
408
00:19:28,506 --> 00:19:31,006
Blahblah did not turn out
to be your mother,
409
00:19:31,106 --> 00:19:33,206
and as for the girl
I made out with at the party,
410
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:36,606
there wasn't a doubt in my mind
that was your Aunt Lily.
411
00:19:36,606 --> 00:19:40,006
But, you know, that magical story
of how she and Uncle Marshall met,
412
00:19:40,106 --> 00:19:42,906
it was worth preserving,
so I kept my mouth shut.
413
00:19:43,006 --> 00:19:44,906
I guess I made a mistake.
414
00:19:45,306 --> 00:19:46,706
Must have been Alexa.
415
00:19:46,806 --> 00:19:48,006
Until...
416
00:19:48,006 --> 00:19:51,206
our 20th college reunion
when I ran into...
417
00:19:51,406 --> 00:19:53,206
Alexa Leskeys.
418
00:19:53,306 --> 00:19:57,006
So, Ted, remember
the last time we were here?
419
00:19:57,806 --> 00:19:59,806
You and me?
No idea.
420
00:20:00,106 --> 00:20:02,206
Ted... come on.
421
00:20:03,706 --> 00:20:05,906
Freshman year,
we were both pretty drunk?
422
00:20:13,806 --> 00:20:15,306
That was you?
423
00:20:16,406 --> 00:20:18,606
Lily, we never made out.
424
00:20:18,706 --> 00:20:19,506
I know.
425
00:20:20,006 --> 00:20:22,706
So I am not Too
Much Tongue Guy.
426
00:20:22,906 --> 00:20:25,606
- Actually...
- No.
427
00:20:31,308 --> 00:20:34,308
Look what I've confiscated
from some kids.
428
00:20:35,508 --> 00:20:38,808
- That is a fat sandwich.
- I know, right?
429
00:20:45,508 --> 00:20:50,408
Chew, chew, chew,
chew, swallow.
430
00:20:53,908 --> 00:20:55,808
Oh, that's all right,
honey.
431
00:20:55,808 --> 00:20:58,008
Sandwiches are strong
these days.
432
00:20:58,108 --> 00:21:01,208
I can't believe I used to be able to eat
a whole sandwich by myself.
433
00:21:01,308 --> 00:21:03,708
Now it's like two
bites and I am done.
434
00:21:04,208 --> 00:21:06,908
Baby, can we grow sandwiches
behind the garage?
435
00:21:07,008 --> 00:21:08,708
Dude, we're 42.
436
00:21:10,908 --> 00:21:14,308
W-W-Where's my wife?