1
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:06,800
Oh, God, what was her name?

2
00:00:06,835 --> 00:00:07,900
it's been 23 years,

3
00:00:07,935 --> 00:00:09,500
I can't remember
all this stuff.

4
00:00:09,535 --> 00:00:11,100
For the sake of the story,
let's call her...

5
00:00:11,135 --> 00:00:12,900
Everyone, this is Blahblah.

6
00:00:12,935 --> 00:00:14,400
Please, call me Blah.

7
00:00:15,900 --> 00:00:17,600
So, Blah, how did
you two meet?

8
00:00:17,635 --> 00:00:20,000
Well, I was taking
this cooking class,

9
00:00:20,035 --> 00:00:22,800
French Fusion, and everyone
already had a partner,

10
00:00:22,835 --> 00:00:25,700
but then I looked up
and across a crowded room,

11
00:00:25,735 --> 00:00:26,800
I saw Ted.

12
00:00:26,835 --> 00:00:28,000
It was magical.

13
00:00:28,035 --> 00:00:31,000
It was so magical.

14
00:00:31,035 --> 00:00:32,700
Except it wasn't.

15
00:00:32,735 --> 00:00:35,600
She's going to tell some bogus
story about a cooking class

16
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:38,200
because she's embarrassed
we met online.

17
00:00:38,235 --> 00:00:40,600
- Ai Chihuahua!
- What?

18
00:00:40,635 --> 00:00:42,100
What? There's no stigma anymore.

19
00:00:42,135 --> 00:00:43,000
Oh, there's a stigma.

20
00:00:43,035 --> 00:00:46,000
That's why people always say,
"There's no stigma anymore. "

21
00:00:46,035 --> 00:00:47,100
So, she's hot?

22
00:00:47,135 --> 00:00:48,100
Oh, she's gorgeous.

23
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:49,200
Then she's crazy.

24
00:00:49,235 --> 00:00:50,200
No, she's not.

25
00:00:50,235 --> 00:00:52,600
Ted, the only hot girls
that troll the Internet

26
00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:56,500
for dudes are crazy,
hookers, or dudes.

27
00:00:56,535 --> 00:00:57,800
Okay, she's
not crazy.

28
00:00:57,835 --> 00:01:00,100
She's not a hooker.
She's not a dude.

29
00:01:00,135 --> 00:01:01,700
There's this guy I pass on
my way to work every day

30
00:01:01,735 --> 00:01:05,100
who's all three-- scares
the crap out of me.

31
00:01:05,135 --> 00:01:06,500
There is no way
she is above the line

32
00:01:06,535 --> 00:01:07,900
on the Hot/Crazy scale.

33
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,600
She's not even on
the Hot/Crazy scale.

34
00:01:09,635 --> 00:01:10,800
She's just hot.

35
00:01:10,835 --> 00:01:12,400
Wait. "Hot/Crazy scale"?

36
00:01:12,435 --> 00:01:13,500
Let me illustrate.

37
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,700
A girl is allowed to be crazy

38
00:01:16,735 --> 00:01:19,300
as long as she is equally hot.

39
00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:23,800
Thus, if she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.

40
00:01:23,835 --> 00:01:27,600
If she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.

41
00:01:27,635 --> 00:01:30,800
You want a girl
to be above this line,

44
00:01:36,435 --> 00:01:39,100
She'd shave her head,
then lose ten pounds.

45
00:01:39,135 --> 00:01:41,800
She'd stab me with a fork,
then get a boob job.

46
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,300
I should give her a call.

47
00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:58,600
Okay, so please,

48
00:01:58,635 --> 00:02:00,700
just play along
with her fake story.

49
00:02:00,735 --> 00:02:02,100
We met in a cooking class.

50
00:02:02,135 --> 00:02:03,200
I don't know, Ted.

51
00:02:03,235 --> 00:02:04,900
I don't know if I can
just play along

52
00:02:04,935 --> 00:02:07,500
with your crazy girlfriend's
fake story.

53
00:02:07,535 --> 00:02:09,100
Now, if you had said
fake breasts...

54
00:02:09,135 --> 00:02:11,400
She's not crazy.

55
00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:14,100
Okay. We'll see.

56
00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:17,100
Long story short, thank goodness
I'm such a bad cook,

57
00:02:17,135 --> 00:02:19,100
or I never would have met Ted.

58
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,600
Oh, crazy
how cute that is.

59
00:02:22,635 --> 00:02:23,700
It's crazy.

60
00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:26,500
You know who else has a really
cute story of how they met?

61
00:02:26,535 --> 00:02:27,400
Marshal and Lily.

62
00:02:27,435 --> 00:02:29,000
You guys should tell
that story, right now.

63
00:02:29,035 --> 00:02:29,600
Yeah.

64
00:02:29,635 --> 00:02:31,000
All right.
But spoiler alert.

65
00:02:31,035 --> 00:02:33,100
It ends with everyone
saying, "Aw!"

66
00:02:33,135 --> 00:02:34,000
Aw.

67
00:02:34,035 --> 00:02:35,200
Starts with it, too.

68
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,500
When you've been a couple
as long as Marshal and Lily,

69
00:02:38,535 --> 00:02:41,700
telling the how-we-met story
becomes a choreographed dance.

70
00:02:41,735 --> 00:02:44,300
It was late August, 1996.

71
00:02:44,335 --> 00:02:46,400
Lily and I were both
freshman moving into...

72
00:02:46,435 --> 00:02:48,100
- Hewitt Hall.
- Hewitt Hall.

73
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:51,000
And she needed some help
setting up her stereo.

74
00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:55,500
For some unknown reason,
I felt drawn to room 110.

75
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:56,800
As if she knew

76
00:02:56,835 --> 00:03:00,100
that someone very special
was behind that door.

77
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:06,200
And as fate would have it
that someone was Marshall.

78
00:03:06,235 --> 00:03:08,900
- It was love at first sight.
- It was love at first sight.

79
00:03:08,935 --> 00:03:10,800
- Hi.
- Hi.

80
00:03:10,835 --> 00:03:12,100
Aw...

81
00:03:12,135 --> 00:03:13,200
I know, right?

82
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,100
Now, they perfected that story
over hundreds of tellings.

83
00:03:17,135 --> 00:03:18,900
The first time
Marshall told it to me,

84
00:03:18,935 --> 00:03:20,100
it was a little different.

85
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,900
Dude, this black-haired
Goth chick stopped by today.

86
00:03:22,935 --> 00:03:26,700
Want to tap it.

87
00:03:26,735 --> 00:03:28,600
You guys are so lucky.

88
00:03:28,635 --> 00:03:30,300
You know, when Ted and I
were cooking

89
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,200
and our hands touched
for the first time,

90
00:03:32,235 --> 00:03:33,600
I knew right then
that after class

91
00:03:33,635 --> 00:03:36,700
he would take me up on the roof,
kiss me and give me a rose.

92
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,500
Which he did!

93
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:40,700
Say, "Aw. "

94
00:03:40,735 --> 00:03:43,400
- Aw.
- Aw.

95
00:03:43,435 --> 00:03:45,200
I know, right?

96
00:03:45,235 --> 00:03:47,000
I'll get the next round,
okay, guys?

97
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:54,400
Anybody would be stressed out
meeting new people.

98
00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:56,800
She's not crazy.

99
00:03:56,835 --> 00:03:59,400
Crazy-generous maybe,
buying us drinks.

100
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,000
Shut up.

101
00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:06,800
So we know how
Marshall and Lily met

102
00:04:06,835 --> 00:04:08,700
Robin, how did
you and Barney meet?

103
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,400
No...

104
00:04:11,435 --> 00:04:13,500
No, no, no, no.

105
00:04:13,535 --> 00:04:16,100
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

106
00:04:16,135 --> 00:04:21,900
No. No. Barney and I
are not together. No. No.

107
00:04:21,935 --> 00:04:25,000
Really? 16 no's?
Really?

108
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:26,400
So you're...

109
00:04:26,435 --> 00:04:27,000
single?

110
00:04:27,035 --> 00:04:27,900
Yeah.

111
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:32,500
Oh. So, pretty and single
and friends with Ted.

112
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:33,700
Great.

113
00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:37,800
You know who else is
friends with Ted?

114
00:04:37,835 --> 00:04:38,800
Marshall.

115
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:39,900
How did we meet?

116
00:04:39,935 --> 00:04:40,600
It was a good story.

117
00:04:40,635 --> 00:04:41,900
I'm going to tell it,
right now.

118
00:04:41,935 --> 00:04:43,800
Uh, it was the first
day of college.

119
00:04:43,835 --> 00:04:45,900
Kids, to understand this story,
you need to know

120
00:04:45,935 --> 00:04:47,500
that your Uncle Marshall
was doing something

121
00:04:47,535 --> 00:04:49,400
that lots of college kids do.

122
00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:51,100
How do I say this?

123
00:04:51,135 --> 00:04:55,100
He was, uh...
let's say, eating a sandwich.

124
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:00,500
Dude, I heard
the dean is coming.

125
00:05:00,535 --> 00:05:02,000
Put out your sandwich.

126
00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:09,500
Hey.

127
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,700
Good afternoon, sir.

128
00:05:13,735 --> 00:05:15,200
I'm Marshall Erickson.

129
00:05:15,235 --> 00:05:18,100
"Sir"? No, please,
just call me Ted.

130
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,000
Okay, Dean Ted.

131
00:05:22,035 --> 00:05:22,900
Whoa...

132
00:05:22,935 --> 00:05:24,700
Someone's been eating
a sandwich.

133
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,400
What? No. Really?

134
00:05:27,435 --> 00:05:31,000
I don't know 'cause I don't even
know what sandwiches smell like.

135
00:05:31,035 --> 00:05:33,500
My parents are going to donate
a lot of money to this school.

136
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:37,800
So you're bottom bunk;
that's cool.

137
00:05:37,835 --> 00:05:39,800
I wanted the
top bunk anyway.

138
00:05:39,835 --> 00:05:41,800
What do you mean?

139
00:05:41,835 --> 00:05:43,200
I'm you're new roommate.

140
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,100
So unfair.

141
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:49,600
I didn't realize
Ted wasn't the dean

142
00:05:49,635 --> 00:05:50,800
until later that night.

143
00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:58,700
You're not the dean.

144
00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:02,400
College-- good times.

145
00:06:02,435 --> 00:06:04,900
Oh, I get it. Ted told you
I didn't go to college,

146
00:06:04,935 --> 00:06:07,300
so now you're giving me
a cute, little backhanded slap.

147
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,700
Oh, here we go.

148
00:06:09,735 --> 00:06:13,600
Well, while you were busy majoring
in being freakin' beautiful,

149
00:06:13,635 --> 00:06:15,800
I was starting
my own line of handbags.

150
00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:17,100
Your own line
of handbags?

151
00:06:17,135 --> 00:06:18,400
That's crazy.

152
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,100
These have sold in Japan.

153
00:06:20,135 --> 00:06:22,000
Robin, have you ever sold
anything in Japan?

154
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,300
Uh, no. But I would love
to buy one of them, if...

155
00:06:26,335 --> 00:06:27,300
Where can I get one?

156
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,500
I don't have a distributor
here yet,

157
00:06:29,535 --> 00:06:30,700
but than for rubbing that in.

158
00:06:30,735 --> 00:06:32,500
Why are you trying
to undermine me in front of Ted?

159
00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:36,600
Look, there's nothing going on
between me and Ted.

160
00:06:36,635 --> 00:06:38,600
Wow, that just...
came out of nowhere.

161
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,400
No, I'm just saying that you
have nothing to worry about.

162
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,600
I wasn't worried.
Are you saying I should be?

163
00:06:43,635 --> 00:06:45,200
No, I'm saying
that you shouldn't be.

164
00:06:45,235 --> 00:06:46,500
Oh, good, 'cause I'm not.

165
00:06:46,535 --> 00:06:48,300
Now, Robin,
can you just let it go?

166
00:06:48,335 --> 00:06:50,500
You're making all of us
really uncomfortable.

167
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:52,700
You know what else is
a good story?

168
00:06:52,735 --> 00:06:53,800
How Barney and I met.

169
00:06:53,835 --> 00:06:56,800
Barney, tell that story,
right now, please.

170
00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:59,800
Okay, Ted.
This is a crazy story.

171
00:06:59,835 --> 00:07:01,700
You're going to love it.

172
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,200
Tonight's
the first time

173
00:07:03,235 --> 00:07:06,000
I'm taking my deaf brother out
since our mom died.

174
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:08,700
Oh, I'm sorry
about that.

175
00:07:08,735 --> 00:07:10,300
No, that's okay.

176
00:07:10,335 --> 00:07:12,700
I have to take care
of him now.

177
00:07:12,735 --> 00:07:16,300
Of course, I have had
to put my dreams on hold

178
00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:18,500
in order to do it,
but...

179
00:07:18,535 --> 00:07:19,600
I'm happy to.

180
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:24,300
He's my brother
and I love him.

181
00:07:24,335 --> 00:07:26,100
I'm sorry,
it's all still so fresh.

182
00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:29,500
Well, man, I'm, uh...
I'm really sorry.

183
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:32,900
Wow, you bought that?

184
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:34,000
What?

185
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:35,900
I just made that up
in mid-pee.

186
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,000
If it worked on you,
it's definitely going to work

187
00:07:38,035 --> 00:07:39,600
on the blonde chick
at the end of the bar.

188
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:42,300
Unless you're a total idiot.
What's your name?

189
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,000
Ted.

190
00:07:44,035 --> 00:07:45,500
Are you a total idiot, Ted?

191
00:07:45,535 --> 00:07:47,800
Well, I'm still having
this conversation, so...

192
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:49,400
Well played.

193
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:53,900
I like you, Ted.

194
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,900
Ted, I'm going to teach
you how to live.

195
00:07:57,900 --> 00:07:59,700
Barney.
We met at the urinal.

196
00:07:59,735 --> 00:08:01,100
Oh, right. Hi.

197
00:08:01,135 --> 00:08:04,500
Lesson one: Lose the goatee;
it doesn't go with your suit.

198
00:08:04,535 --> 00:08:05,700
I'm not wearing a suit.

199
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,100
Lesson two: Get a suit.

200
00:08:07,135 --> 00:08:09,200
Suits are cool--
Exhibit A.

201
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:13,400
Lesson three: Don't even think
about getting married until you're 30.

202
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:14,900
And lesson four:

203
00:08:14,935 --> 00:08:16,700
Be totally silent for
the next five minutes.

204
00:08:16,735 --> 00:08:17,700
Hey, Audrey.

205
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,300
Uh, this is
my deaf brother, Edward.

206
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,100
Edward!

207
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,100
This is Audrey!

208
00:08:25,900 --> 00:08:29,100
You know, I actually know
some sign language.

209
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,200
He doesn't sign.

210
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,700
He's embarrassed by his hands.

211
00:08:39,735 --> 00:08:41,400
They're tiny...
and lady-like.

212
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:49,500
What? You...
are over your hand issues.

213
00:08:49,535 --> 00:08:50,500
It's about time.

214
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,600
Here. Call me.

215
00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:11,400
And even though that girl ended
up giving me a fake number,

216
00:09:11,435 --> 00:09:14,400
I knew that Ted and I would be
each others wingmen forever.

217
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,300
Barney, it's
time you knew.

218
00:09:16,335 --> 00:09:19,300
Um, that story actually goes
a little bit differently.

219
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,300
Great. Funny.

220
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,200
God, with a wingman like Ted,
I might need to resort

221
00:09:32,235 --> 00:09:35,100
to meeting someone in a super,
desperate and lame way,

222
00:09:35,135 --> 00:09:36,700
like online.

223
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:40,700
Online.

224
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:43,200
Online.

225
00:09:43,235 --> 00:09:44,900
Oh, my God!
You told them?!

226
00:09:44,935 --> 00:09:46,600
Okay, yes, I told them.

227
00:09:46,635 --> 00:09:47,700
But it's not a big deal.

228
00:09:47,735 --> 00:09:49,600
Lots of people meet
on the Internet.

229
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,200
That whole scene, a stranger
across a crowded room thing--

230
00:09:52,235 --> 00:09:53,500
that only happens
in the movies.

231
00:09:53,535 --> 00:09:56,200
Yeah, that never happens.
Oh, wait, except you and Robin.

232
00:09:56,235 --> 00:09:57,600
That's how
you guys met, right?

233
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,300
Wait, you guys dated?

234
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:07,900
For how long?

235
00:10:07,935 --> 00:10:09,000
A year.

236
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,200
But don't worry.

237
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:12,900
The relationship
wasn't that good.

238
00:10:12,935 --> 00:10:14,700
By the end, it was
mostly about sex.

239
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,700
Which was not that good.

240
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,900
But I was the problem.
I'd just lie there.

241
00:10:20,935 --> 00:10:22,700
Ted is, uh,
very good.

242
00:10:22,735 --> 00:10:25,400
I'm sure he will get you
where you need to go.

243
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,100
Can I buy your bags online?

244
00:10:30,135 --> 00:10:32,900
Oh, oh, I see what's
going on here, Ted.

245
00:10:32,935 --> 00:10:34,900
I'm just some random girl
to make Robin jealous,

246
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:35,800
and after she takes
you back,

247
00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:37,800
you probably won't
even remember my name.

248
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,300
Come on, Blahblah,
it's not like that.

249
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:42,900
Well, we're closing in
on the half.

250
00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:45,500
Let's see how Blahblah is doing
on the crazy/hot scale.

251
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:50,000
She started the night here,
but as the night's progressed,

252
00:10:50,035 --> 00:10:52,400
she's gotten crazier
but no hotter,

253
00:10:52,435 --> 00:10:55,900
which has caused her to drift
across the Mendoza Diagonal

254
00:10:55,935 --> 00:10:59,500
and dangerously close
to the Shelly Gilespie Zone.

255
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,000
Another girl I dated--

256
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,300
she gained 20 pounds and tried
to kill me with a brick.

257
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,300
I'm sorry I didn't tell
you, but seriously,

258
00:11:06,335 --> 00:11:08,000
there's nothing going
on with me and Robin.

259
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,100
Then why has she been trying
to undermine me all night?

260
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:11,400
I mean, look at her.

261
00:11:11,435 --> 00:11:12,900
She's laughing at me
right now.

262
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:18,800
I'm sorry,
it's just, you know,

263
00:11:18,835 --> 00:11:21,500
Lily and Marshall's story
is so romantic.

264
00:11:21,535 --> 00:11:23,600
I just wish we had
something like that.

265
00:11:23,635 --> 00:11:26,300
Well, their story's not
as magical as it seems.

266
00:11:26,335 --> 00:11:28,000
What do you mean?

267
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:30,600
No, I, I can't, it's,
it's kind of a secret.

268
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:33,400
Well, how about I tell you
a little secret

269
00:11:33,435 --> 00:11:36,300
about what you might get
to do later tonight?

270
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:43,800
The night before
Lily met Marshall...

271
00:11:43,835 --> 00:11:44,900
... there was this party.

272
00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:51,800
Hey.

273
00:11:51,835 --> 00:11:52,800
You a freshwoman?

274
00:11:52,835 --> 00:11:54,200
I never use
the word "freshman. "

275
00:11:54,235 --> 00:11:55,600
Sexist.

276
00:11:55,700 --> 00:11:57,600
Yeah, I'm a first year.

277
00:11:57,635 --> 00:11:59,100
I'm in Hewitt 220.

278
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,100
No way. Hewitt 110.

279
00:12:01,135 --> 00:12:02,700
You should totally come by.

280
00:12:02,735 --> 00:12:05,100
Maybe I will, Hewitt 110.

281
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,400
Look at these drunk idiots.

282
00:12:17,435 --> 00:12:19,400
Hey, don't drink
their two dollar beer.

283
00:12:19,435 --> 00:12:23,400
This is a pinot noir.
From Europe.

284
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,200
Oh, it's fruity.

285
00:12:28,235 --> 00:12:29,900
Yeah, I cut it
with some cranberry juice.

286
00:12:29,935 --> 00:12:31,000
It was pretty strong.

287
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:34,600
So, uh...

288
00:12:34,635 --> 00:12:35,900
do you have a girlfriend?

289
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,200
Yeah.

290
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,000
Not sure about the whole
"long distance" thing, though.

291
00:12:40,035 --> 00:12:41,500
It's like Descartes says.

292
00:12:41,535 --> 00:12:42,400
"In order to determine

293
00:12:42,435 --> 00:12:45,100
"whether there is anything
we can know with certainty,

294
00:12:45,135 --> 00:12:47,200
we first have to doubt
everything we know. "

295
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,200
You know?

296
00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:50,900
Wow.

297
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,500
But as drunk as she was, when
she woke up the next morning,

298
00:12:58,535 --> 00:13:00,400
she still
remembered room 110.

299
00:13:00,435 --> 00:13:01,700
That's why she
knocked on the door.

300
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,500
She was looking for me.

301
00:13:03,535 --> 00:13:04,700
Oh, my God.

302
00:13:04,735 --> 00:13:06,400
Yeah, and in
all these years,

303
00:13:06,435 --> 00:13:08,100
Lily and I have never
even spoken about it,

304
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,300
so again, mum's the word, okay?

305
00:13:10,335 --> 00:13:11,600
You have to tell Marshall.

306
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,500
No, if, if he heard that,
it would destroy him.

307
00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:17,800
If you don't tell him...

308
00:13:17,835 --> 00:13:20,000
... I will.

309
00:13:20,035 --> 00:13:22,000
Oh, come on, you wouldn't.

310
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,500
So, Lily,
how did you and Ted meet?

311
00:13:32,535 --> 00:13:34,200
Come on, Lily, the real story.

312
00:13:34,235 --> 00:13:36,300
I don't think anyone wants
to hear that story.

313
00:13:36,335 --> 00:13:39,400
Aw, don't be embarrassed, Ted,
it was a long time ago.

314
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:42,800
And I made a huge mistuge
last night,

315
00:13:42,835 --> 00:13:44,400
but it's like
Descartes says.

316
00:13:44,435 --> 00:13:46,200
"In order to determine
whether there is anything

317
00:13:46,235 --> 00:13:47,000
"we can know with certainty,

318
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:49,400
we first have
to doubt everything we know. "

319
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:54,000
And I now know for certain
that I love you, Karen.

320
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,500
Anyway, call me back
when you get this.

321
00:13:57,535 --> 00:13:59,100
I'm also going down
to the computer center

322
00:13:59,135 --> 00:14:01,100
to send you an electronic mail.

323
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,000
Ted.

324
00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:06,600
This is Lily.

325
00:14:06,635 --> 00:14:09,400
No, no, I'm sorry,
but I love Karen.

326
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,000
Yes, that is the unabridged
story of how Lily and I met.

327
00:14:14,035 --> 00:14:15,200
How embarrassing.

328
00:14:15,235 --> 00:14:16,000
Who wants another round?

329
00:14:16,035 --> 00:14:17,700
That's not the story.
Ted, tell 'em.

330
00:14:17,735 --> 00:14:18,600
Tell us what?

331
00:14:18,635 --> 00:14:20,800
Um, Lily, will you help us get
the next round?

332
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:23,400
Ted, what's going on?

333
00:14:23,435 --> 00:14:27,000
She knows about us,
about how we really met.

334
00:14:27,035 --> 00:14:28,800
Yeah, I know,
I just told her.

335
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:31,000
No, the
real story.

336
00:14:31,035 --> 00:14:32,800
Ted, what are you
talking about?

337
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:35,800
Lily... come on.

338
00:14:35,835 --> 00:14:37,500
Come on, what?

339
00:14:37,535 --> 00:14:40,200
Lily... come on.

340
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,200
Ted, I honestly don't know
what you're talking about.

341
00:14:43,235 --> 00:14:46,000
Lily... come on.

342
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,700
I know that you and Ted made out
the night before you met Marshall.

343
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:51,800
What?

344
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,900
Ted and I never made out.

345
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:55,000
Yeah... we did.

346
00:14:55,035 --> 00:14:57,500
I only made out
with one other guy in college

347
00:14:57,535 --> 00:15:00,800
before I met Marshall, and
it was just some random dude.

348
00:15:00,835 --> 00:15:02,900
I, I don't even
remember his name.

349
00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:04,900
I just call him
Too Much Tongue Guy.

350
00:15:04,935 --> 00:15:06,900
What? Too Much Tongue Guy?

351
00:15:06,935 --> 00:15:07,800
Well, I'm not
surprised to hear that

352
00:15:07,835 --> 00:15:10,200
coming from Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl.

353
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:12,000
That wasn't me.

354
00:15:12,035 --> 00:15:14,300
Yes, it was, at the
freshman orientation party.

355
00:15:14,335 --> 00:15:17,800
No, no, no, no, no.

356
00:15:17,835 --> 00:15:18,800
No, no.

357
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:22,600
No, no, no, no, no!

358
00:15:22,635 --> 00:15:24,100
How much fun is this?

359
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,200
All of us reminiscing
about how we met me?

360
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,200
Robin, have I told you
how I met Marshall?

361
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,000
Uh, yeah,
like five or six ti--

362
00:15:31,035 --> 00:15:32,600
It was right
over there.

363
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,000
Here's your problem.

364
00:15:34,035 --> 00:15:35,900
You've only slept
with one woman.

365
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,500
Those kind of stats
are only okay if you're 11,

366
00:15:38,535 --> 00:15:41,500
but tonight
we're getting you a new girl

367
00:15:41,535 --> 00:15:42,600
because,
Marshall Eriksen,

368
00:15:42,635 --> 00:15:46,600
from this moment on, I make
all your decisions for you.

369
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,700
I'm sorry,
who, who are you again?

370
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,300
This is Barney; I met
him the other day.

371
00:15:53,335 --> 00:15:54,300
He's kind of
a jackass.

372
00:15:54,335 --> 00:15:56,300
I'm teaching Ted how to live,

373
00:15:56,335 --> 00:15:58,800
and-- lucky you-- I have room
for one more student.

374
00:15:58,835 --> 00:16:01,000
Think of me as Yoda,

375
00:16:01,035 --> 00:16:02,700
only instead of being little and green,

376
00:16:02,735 --> 00:16:04,700
I wear suits and I'm awesome.

377
00:16:04,735 --> 00:16:06,000
I'm your bro.

378
00:16:06,035 --> 00:16:07,700
I'm Bro-da.

379
00:16:07,735 --> 00:16:10,300
And tonight,
you're going to use The Force

380
00:16:10,335 --> 00:16:13,200
to get the hottest chick
in this bar into bed.

381
00:16:13,235 --> 00:16:14,800
He's going to
use force?

382
00:16:14,835 --> 00:16:16,700
'Cause that sounds
wrong, Bro-da.

383
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,100
No, The Force.

384
00:16:19,135 --> 00:16:20,500
It's a Star Wars reference.

385
00:16:20,535 --> 00:16:22,600
So we should make lots of Star
Wars references around girls.

386
00:16:22,635 --> 00:16:24,000
That's what
you're saying?

387
00:16:24,035 --> 00:16:26,100
I'm not going to cheat
on my girlfriend.

388
00:16:26,135 --> 00:16:29,600
Yes, you are, with the hottie
that just walked in.

389
00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:31,000
Look at her.

390
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,300
How much hotter
is she than your girlfriend?

391
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,700
There's no comparison.

392
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:38,800
What do you think, Ted?

393
00:16:38,835 --> 00:16:39,500
- No.
- Should I go for it?

394
00:16:39,535 --> 00:16:40,600
Don't do it, man.

395
00:16:40,635 --> 00:16:42,000
I mean, think about Lily.

396
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,400
You know what?
I don't care.

397
00:16:44,435 --> 00:16:46,100
I've been with one woman
for too long.

398
00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:48,300
I need me some strange.

399
00:16:48,335 --> 00:16:49,700
Yes! Yes!

400
00:16:49,735 --> 00:16:50,600
Pep talk.

401
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,000
You can do this,

402
00:16:53,035 --> 00:16:56,300
but to be more accurate,
you probably can't.

403
00:16:56,335 --> 00:16:59,000
You're way out of practice and
she is way too hot for you,

404
00:16:59,035 --> 00:17:02,100
so remember, tonight
isn't about scoring.

405
00:17:02,135 --> 00:17:05,100
It's about believing
that you can do it

406
00:17:05,135 --> 00:17:07,200
even though
you probably can't.

407
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,100
Go get 'em, tiger.

408
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,300
Poor guy's going
to crash and burn.

409
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,700
That man is a god.

410
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,300
For like a week after,

411
00:17:29,335 --> 00:17:32,300
Barney followed me around
asking me to teach him how to live.

412
00:17:32,335 --> 00:17:34,200
I even got him
to do my laundry once.

413
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,200
I thought it was a Mr.
Miyagi kind of thing.

414
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,300
Marshall, I need to talk to you.

415
00:17:39,335 --> 00:17:41,000
Can we go somewhere in private?

416
00:17:41,035 --> 00:17:42,500
Yeah, of course. What's wrong?

417
00:17:42,535 --> 00:17:44,100
Lily and Ted made out.

418
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,400
What do you think of that,
Robin?

419
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,000
What are you talking about?

420
00:17:48,035 --> 00:17:49,900
You know that guy
I made out with

421
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:51,900
at the freshman
orientation party?

422
00:17:51,935 --> 00:17:53,700
Too Much Tongue Guy, yeah.

423
00:17:53,735 --> 00:17:55,100
And you know that girl
I made out with

424
00:17:55,135 --> 00:17:56,600
at the freshman
orientation party?

425
00:17:56,635 --> 00:17:59,000
Unreasonably Small
Mouth Opening Girl, yeah.

426
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:01,000
I'm Too Much Tongue Guy.

427
00:18:01,035 --> 00:18:03,500
And I'm Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl.

428
00:18:03,535 --> 00:18:05,900
Worst superheroes ever.

429
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:09,200
Oh, baby, I am so sorry.

430
00:18:09,235 --> 00:18:10,300
I don't think
you need to be.

431
00:18:10,335 --> 00:18:11,300
I was at that party.

432
00:18:11,335 --> 00:18:12,900
It was dark and, granted,

433
00:18:12,935 --> 00:18:16,500
I had eaten quite a few
sandwiches, but I'm 100% sure

434
00:18:16,535 --> 00:18:18,600
that Unreasonably Small
Mouth Opening Girl

435
00:18:18,635 --> 00:18:20,400
was Alexa
Leskeys, not Lily.

436
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,400
Really?

437
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:22,700
Yeah, I'm positive,

438
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:25,500
and Too Much Tongue
Guy was Colin O'Reilly.

439
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,100
Are you sure?

440
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,000
If it wasn't,

441
00:18:28,035 --> 00:18:30,300
I peed in the wrong
guy's shampoo, man.

442
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,000
You don't really
believe that, do you?

443
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,000
You swore it was Lily.

444
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,300
I guess I made a mistake.

445
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,200
Must have been Alexa

446
00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:46,500
Another girl, Ted?

447
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,900
Who haven't you made out with?

448
00:18:48,935 --> 00:18:50,400
You know what?
I don't need this.

449
00:18:50,435 --> 00:18:52,400
I design handbags,
I'm writing a memoir,

450
00:18:52,435 --> 00:18:54,800
I'm a superstar,
this is totally my year.

451
00:18:54,835 --> 00:18:57,100
Someday the name Blahblah
will be up in lights.

452
00:18:57,135 --> 00:19:00,700
And, Ted, next time you're online
playing World of Warcraft,

453
00:19:00,735 --> 00:19:02,800
don't even think
about chatting with me.

454
00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:09,400
World of Warcraft?

455
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,600
The online role-playing game?

456
00:19:11,635 --> 00:19:15,100
That's how you two "met online"?

457
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,000
Yeah, it's a really--
it's a cool game.

458
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,000
So suffice it to say,

459
00:19:31,035 --> 00:19:33,500
Blahblah did not turn out
to be your mother,

460
00:19:33,535 --> 00:19:35,800
and as for the girl
I made out with at the party,

461
00:19:35,835 --> 00:19:39,000
there wasn't a doubt in my mind
that was your Aunt Lily.

462
00:19:39,035 --> 00:19:40,600
But, you know,
that magical story

463
00:19:40,635 --> 00:19:42,500
of how she
and Uncle Marshall met,

464
00:19:42,535 --> 00:19:45,300
it was worth preserving,
so I kept my mouth shut.

465
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:47,800
I guess I made a mistake.

466
00:19:47,835 --> 00:19:49,200
Must have been Alexa.

467
00:19:49,235 --> 00:19:52,100
Until our 20th college reunion

468
00:19:52,135 --> 00:19:55,800
when I ran into Alexa Leskeys.

469
00:19:55,835 --> 00:19:59,700
So, Ted, remember
the last time we were here?

470
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,000
You and me?

471
00:20:01,035 --> 00:20:02,100
No idea.

472
00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:05,000
Ted... come on.

473
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,700
Freshman year,
we were both pretty drunk?

474
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,400
That was you?

475
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,300
Lily, we never made out.

476
00:20:21,335 --> 00:20:22,400
I know.

477
00:20:22,435 --> 00:20:25,300
So I am not Too
Much Tongue Guy.

478
00:20:25,335 --> 00:20:26,800
Actually...

479
00:20:26,835 --> 00:20:27,700
No.

480
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,000
Look what I've confiscated
from some kids.

481
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,800
That is a fat sandwich.

482
00:20:39,835 --> 00:20:41,300
I know, right?

483
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:51,700
Chew, chew, chew,
chew, swallow.

484
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,000
Oh, that's all right,
honey.

485
00:20:58,035 --> 00:21:00,100
Sandwiches are strong
these days.

486
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:01,600
I can't believe I used
to be able to eat

487
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:03,200
a whole sandwich
by myself.

488
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:05,700
Now it's like two
bites and I am done.

489
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,700
Baby, can we grow sandwiches
behind the garage?

490
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:11,100
Dude, we're 42.

491
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:16,400
W-W-Where's my wife?