1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,160
Alright, officers.
2
00:00:01,195 --> 00:00:03,365
One beef and-cheese deluxe,
French fries
3
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,314
and orange-flavored beverage.
4
00:00:05,349 --> 00:00:06,471
Thank you, my brother.
5
00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:07,594
Knock it down for me.
6
00:00:07,629 --> 00:00:08,945
Boo-yo!
7
00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:11,234
All right, it is knocked down.
8
00:00:12,209 --> 00:00:14,543
And for you, large man.
9
00:00:14,578 --> 00:00:16,353
one plain wiener,
10
00:00:16,354 --> 00:00:19,172
no bun, no sauerkraut,
no chili, no mustard,
11
00:00:19,173 --> 00:00:21,225
no pickle, no cheese, no relish.
12
00:00:21,226 --> 00:00:24,762
No tip. Give it to me.
13
00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:26,113
Excuse me to inquire,
14
00:00:26,114 --> 00:00:28,282
but this meager meal
seems insufficient
15
00:00:28,283 --> 00:00:31,402
for a man of your
tremendous girth.
16
00:00:31,403 --> 00:00:33,887
I'm just trying to drop
a couple of pounds.
17
00:00:33,888 --> 00:00:35,873
May I suggest you move
to my country
18
00:00:35,874 --> 00:00:38,191
where everyone
is fashionably thin
19
00:00:38,192 --> 00:00:40,327
due to lack of food?
20
00:00:42,363 --> 00:00:43,747
New diet?
21
00:00:43,748 --> 00:00:46,366
Yeah. I read about it in a
magazine at the dentist office.
22
00:00:46,367 --> 00:00:47,618
Men's Fitness?
23
00:00:47,619 --> 00:00:48,402
No.
24
00:00:48,403 --> 00:00:49,503
Esquire?
25
00:00:49,504 --> 00:00:50,804
No.
26
00:00:50,805 --> 00:00:51,705
Maxim?
27
00:00:51,706 --> 00:00:52,389
No.
28
00:00:52,390 --> 00:00:53,891
Sports Illustrated?
29
00:00:53,892 --> 00:00:55,843
Modern Bride, okay?!
30
00:00:55,844 --> 00:00:58,045
Okay. That's none
of my business.
31
00:00:59,347 --> 00:01:01,865
But you better get married quick
'cause you're starting to show.
32
00:01:01,866 --> 00:01:03,150
It happens
33
00:01:03,151 --> 00:01:04,384
to be a good diet,
34
00:01:04,385 --> 00:01:05,569
and I'm losing weight.
35
00:01:05,570 --> 00:01:07,771
Plus I'm going to the gym
three times a week
36
00:01:07,772 --> 00:01:09,940
and a half hour every morning
on the stationary bike.
37
00:01:09,941 --> 00:01:11,725
Well, you gotta be careful
with that.
38
00:01:11,726 --> 00:01:13,110
I read an article that said
39
00:01:13,111 --> 00:01:15,562
those bicycles absolutely wreak
havoc on a pair of testicles.
40
00:01:15,563 --> 00:01:18,032
What are we talking about,
a little numbness
41
00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:20,334
or that time I sat on my Taser?
42
00:01:20,335 --> 00:01:23,003
Well, apparently, the angle
of the seat,
43
00:01:23,004 --> 00:01:25,072
it restricts blood flow,
causing low sperm count
44
00:01:25,073 --> 00:01:27,007
and/or possible impotence.
45
00:01:27,008 --> 00:01:28,092
Really? I never heard that.
46
00:01:28,093 --> 00:01:29,126
Well, you ain't gonna read
47
00:01:29,127 --> 00:01:31,011
about that in Modern Bride.
48
00:01:31,012 --> 00:01:32,763
Pick up this month's copy
49
00:01:32,764 --> 00:01:34,131
of American Balls.
50
00:01:35,216 --> 00:01:36,917
How about we hit a couple clubs
51
00:01:36,918 --> 00:01:38,268
up after we get off, huh?
52
00:01:38,269 --> 00:01:40,354
Have a few drinks,
maybe find some bad girls
53
00:01:40,355 --> 00:01:41,688
who want to cop some pleas.
54
00:01:41,689 --> 00:01:44,525
Or even better,
please some cops? (laughs)
55
00:01:44,526 --> 00:01:47,594
Do you listen to yourself
when you talk?
56
00:01:48,813 --> 00:01:50,514
No, thanks, I got
an O.A. meeting.
57
00:01:50,515 --> 00:01:51,565
You're kidding me.
58
00:01:51,566 --> 00:01:53,767
Overeaters Anonymous
on a Friday night?
59
00:01:53,768 --> 00:01:54,852
That is pathetic.
60
00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:55,953
Oh, I'm pathetic?
61
00:01:55,954 --> 00:01:57,621
Which one of us lives
with his grandma?
62
00:01:57,622 --> 00:01:59,940
Hey, the only reason I'm over
there is because she's old
63
00:01:59,941 --> 00:02:01,742
and frail and needs somebody
to look after her.
64
00:02:01,743 --> 00:02:04,194
She mows the lawn, Carl.
65
00:02:04,195 --> 00:02:05,612
After I start it up for her
66
00:02:05,613 --> 00:02:07,698
and push her
in the right direction.
67
00:02:07,699 --> 00:02:10,717
Fine. Whatever you need
to live with yourself...
68
00:02:10,718 --> 00:02:12,803
and your grandma.
69
00:02:12,804 --> 00:02:14,755
You know, I would shoot you
right now,
70
00:02:14,756 --> 00:02:17,141
but I don't have enough chalk
to outline your body.
71
00:02:18,793 --> 00:02:21,845
She's a brick,
uh-uh-uh, house
72
00:02:21,846 --> 00:02:24,848
Uh-uh-uh,
she's mighty, mighty
73
00:02:24,849 --> 00:02:26,483
Just letting it all hang out
74
00:02:26,484 --> 00:02:28,318
'Cause she's a brick...
75
00:02:28,319 --> 00:02:29,269
(humming)
76
00:02:29,270 --> 00:02:30,821
House!
77
00:02:30,822 --> 00:02:33,640
Shake it down, shake it down,
shake it down now
78
00:02:33,641 --> 00:02:35,742
Shake it down, shake it
down, shake it down now
79
00:02:35,743 --> 00:02:37,578
Shake it down, shake it...
80
00:02:37,579 --> 00:02:39,863
Ma, do you have to eat that
in front of me?
81
00:02:39,864 --> 00:02:41,281
Oh, I'm sorry, baby,
82
00:02:41,282 --> 00:02:42,533
Want a bite?
83
00:02:42,534 --> 00:02:44,317
What do you think I'm doing
84
00:02:44,318 --> 00:02:46,904
on this machine here,
making butter?
85
00:02:46,905 --> 00:02:49,740
Oh, baby, why are you
punishing yourself?
86
00:02:49,741 --> 00:02:52,126
Face it,
you're a big-boned girl.
87
00:02:52,127 --> 00:02:55,212
You're always gonna
be a big-boned girl.
88
00:02:55,213 --> 00:02:58,132
Bones don't jiggle, Mom.
89
00:02:58,133 --> 00:02:59,499
You just gotta accept the fact
90
00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:00,851
that you got you daddy's genes.
91
00:03:00,852 --> 00:03:02,136
I mean, if you had
92
00:03:02,137 --> 00:03:03,437
a turkey leg in one hand
93
00:03:03,438 --> 00:03:05,005
and the other hand
down your pants,
94
00:03:05,006 --> 00:03:07,608
I'd swear he was risen
from the dead.
95
00:03:08,476 --> 00:03:11,261
Ah, this is moist!
96
00:03:11,262 --> 00:03:13,480
Do I smell your double
chocolate blackout cake?
97
00:03:13,481 --> 00:03:14,948
Fresh out of the oven.
98
00:03:14,949 --> 00:03:16,817
Oh-ho-ho, give me!
99
00:03:18,119 --> 00:03:19,069
Mmm!
100
00:03:19,070 --> 00:03:21,354
Oh, Mom,
this is incredible.
101
00:03:21,355 --> 00:03:22,823
This time,
instead of milk,
102
00:03:22,824 --> 00:03:24,858
Mm-hmm?
I used pudding.
103
00:03:24,859 --> 00:03:27,027
Well, bravo.
104
00:03:27,028 --> 00:03:29,796
That must be why
it's so smooth and creamy.
105
00:03:29,797 --> 00:03:32,382
For God's sakes, why are you
doing this to me?!
106
00:03:32,383 --> 00:03:35,118
BOTH:
What? What are we doing?
107
00:03:35,119 --> 00:03:36,970
Never mind.
108
00:03:36,971 --> 00:03:41,808
I've burned off my, uh,
12 calories.
109
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,461
Just gonna go
to my O.A. meeting.
110
00:03:44,462 --> 00:03:46,213
Oh, Mol, you're
never gonna meet
111
00:03:46,214 --> 00:03:47,881
a cute guy
at the chub club.
112
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,050
I'm not going
to meet guys.
113
00:03:50,051 --> 00:03:51,318
I'm going for support.
114
00:03:51,319 --> 00:03:56,056
Not that I don't get more than
enough right here!
115
00:03:56,057 --> 00:03:58,575
Whoa! Where'd
that come from?
116
00:03:58,576 --> 00:04:00,911
Where did that come from?
Are you kidding me?
117
00:04:00,912 --> 00:04:02,562
Okay, I'm trying
to watch my diet,
118
00:04:02,563 --> 00:04:03,697
I'm trying to exercise,
119
00:04:03,698 --> 00:04:06,450
and you two are just trying
to make me fatter!
120
00:04:06,451 --> 00:04:08,835
You're not fat!
You're big-boned.
121
00:04:08,836 --> 00:04:11,404
And I'm just trying
to get you laid.
122
00:04:11,405 --> 00:04:12,839
(groans)
123
00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:15,375
Why don't you take her
124
00:04:15,376 --> 00:04:17,094
to one of those
lesbo clubs?
125
00:04:17,095 --> 00:04:19,846
Now, th-they seem to
like the beefy gals.
126
00:04:21,216 --> 00:04:26,019
For the first time
in my life
127
00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:29,256
I see the light.
128
00:04:29,257 --> 00:04:35,562
-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/
129
00:04:40,921 --> 00:04:43,639
You really didn't have
to come with me.
130
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:46,425
Hey, you said you
wanted to be supported.
131
00:04:46,426 --> 00:04:47,844
I'm supporting.
132
00:04:47,845 --> 00:04:49,512
Where are you going?
The meeting's in here.
133
00:04:49,513 --> 00:04:51,314
You go ahead.
I'm gonna sneak into
134
00:04:51,315 --> 00:04:53,483
the little girls' room
and light up a fatty.
135
00:04:54,768 --> 00:04:56,819
No offense, fellas.
136
00:04:58,338 --> 00:05:00,006
Hi, my name's Mike.
I'm an overeater.
137
00:05:00,007 --> 00:05:01,524
ALL:
Hi, Mike.
138
00:05:01,525 --> 00:05:04,810
I had a pretty fair week;
I lost three pounds.
139
00:05:04,811 --> 00:05:07,513
Then I took off my shirt,
and I found it right about here.
140
00:05:07,514 --> 00:05:11,617
Anyway, diet-wise, I did have
one tiny setback this week.
141
00:05:11,618 --> 00:05:14,537
I was at the grocery store,
and they were having a sale
142
00:05:14,538 --> 00:05:16,806
on those fun-size candies
for Halloween.
143
00:05:16,807 --> 00:05:18,374
Well, I picked up a bag,
144
00:05:18,375 --> 00:05:19,475
figuring
I'm gonna need something
145
00:05:19,476 --> 00:05:20,826
for the trick-or-treaters.
146
00:05:20,827 --> 00:05:23,829
Before I know it, I'm standing
in front of the checkout
147
00:05:23,830 --> 00:05:26,616
with 19 of the fun little
bastards jammed in my mouth,
148
00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:28,518
trying to say, "Plastic. "
149
00:05:28,519 --> 00:05:32,188
(chuckling):
Hallelujah!
150
00:05:35,175 --> 00:05:36,809
Then, of course, the
self-loathing kicks in.
151
00:05:36,810 --> 00:05:39,629
The voices in my head start
telling me what a loser I am,
152
00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:41,581
how no one's
ever gonna love me
153
00:05:41,582 --> 00:05:43,115
and, you know,
how I'm gonna spend
154
00:05:43,116 --> 00:05:45,801
the last few years of my life
alone in a dark apartment,
155
00:05:45,802 --> 00:05:47,236
my only companions,
156
00:05:47,237 --> 00:05:49,572
six or seven cats that made
the mistake of wandering
157
00:05:49,573 --> 00:05:52,208
into my gravitational field.
158
00:05:53,410 --> 00:05:55,895
The bottom line is, I-I know
those voices are lying.
159
00:05:55,896 --> 00:05:57,529
And I know all I gotta do is
160
00:05:57,530 --> 00:05:59,315
work this program
one day at a time.
161
00:05:59,316 --> 00:06:02,368
That's why I start every morning
by getting on my knees
162
00:06:02,369 --> 00:06:05,471
and asking God to give me
the strength to stay on my diet.
163
00:06:05,472 --> 00:06:07,706
And then I pray
that he gives me the strength
164
00:06:07,707 --> 00:06:10,542
to get my fat ass
up off the floor.
165
00:06:10,543 --> 00:06:12,144
Anyway, thank you.
166
00:06:15,382 --> 00:06:17,016
Hey.
167
00:06:18,318 --> 00:06:21,187
Damn it,
one of y'all got to inhale.
168
00:06:23,490 --> 00:06:24,690
Hey!
169
00:06:24,691 --> 00:06:26,192
Hey, what are
you doing here?
170
00:06:26,193 --> 00:06:28,110
Well, I figured now that
your meeting's over,
171
00:06:28,111 --> 00:06:30,079
you might want to go
have some fun. Sure.
172
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,031
Sure. Want to go get some TCBY?
173
00:06:32,032 --> 00:06:34,533
Hell, yeah. A couple of
single guys on a Friday night,
174
00:06:34,534 --> 00:06:36,235
let's get all up
in some yogurt.
175
00:06:37,070 --> 00:06:39,205
Hey, I really
liked your share.
176
00:06:39,206 --> 00:06:40,423
Oh, thank you.
177
00:06:40,424 --> 00:06:41,424
You're pretty funny.
178
00:06:41,425 --> 00:06:42,458
Yeah, I figure
179
00:06:42,459 --> 00:06:43,626
if everybody's laughing,
180
00:06:43,627 --> 00:06:45,544
they won't try to kill
and cook each other.
181
00:06:45,545 --> 00:06:46,712
(chuckles)
182
00:06:46,713 --> 00:06:48,047
Molly.
183
00:06:48,048 --> 00:06:48,881
Mike.
184
00:06:48,882 --> 00:06:49,748
VICTORIA:
Hey...
185
00:06:49,749 --> 00:06:51,851
there you are.
186
00:06:52,636 --> 00:06:53,936
Where did you go?
187
00:06:53,937 --> 00:06:55,721
Went looking
for a snack machine,
188
00:06:55,722 --> 00:06:59,425
and all I found were these
crackers up in the church.
189
00:06:59,426 --> 00:07:00,759
Really dry.
190
00:07:01,645 --> 00:07:04,313
Do you know of a good place
around here
191
00:07:04,314 --> 00:07:05,615
where I could get a pizza?
192
00:07:05,616 --> 00:07:08,050
What do you think?
193
00:07:08,051 --> 00:07:10,569
This is my sister,
Victoria.
194
00:07:10,570 --> 00:07:11,570
Hi, Victoria.
195
00:07:11,571 --> 00:07:12,872
Hello, Victoria.
196
00:07:12,873 --> 00:07:15,107
Officer Carl MacMillan,
Chicago PD.
197
00:07:15,108 --> 00:07:16,959
Whoa... You're a cop?
198
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,045
Yeah, Mike and I, we're
both cops. (chuckles)
199
00:07:19,046 --> 00:07:21,113
Great! I love cops!
200
00:07:21,114 --> 00:07:22,965
Cops are great!
201
00:07:22,966 --> 00:07:24,634
I'm not high.
202
00:07:25,618 --> 00:07:27,953
Anyhoo...
203
00:07:27,954 --> 00:07:29,955
I'm a fourth-grade teacher,
204
00:07:29,956 --> 00:07:32,258
and I'd love to have
a police officer come
205
00:07:32,259 --> 00:07:33,792
and speak to my class.
206
00:07:33,793 --> 00:07:36,145
Oh, absolutely.
Just contact the department.
207
00:07:36,146 --> 00:07:37,680
They'll send somebody
right over.
208
00:07:37,681 --> 00:07:39,415
Oh, all right.
209
00:07:39,416 --> 00:07:41,651
Or you can give Officer Biggs
your number,
210
00:07:41,652 --> 00:07:43,986
and he can come talk
to your class himself.
211
00:07:43,987 --> 00:07:45,354
Even better.
212
00:07:45,355 --> 00:07:48,307
Oh, uh, okay.
Well, uh, are you looking
213
00:07:48,308 --> 00:07:51,193
for, like, general information
or scared straight?
214
00:07:51,194 --> 00:07:55,781
Well, they're nine years old,
so scare the hell out of 'em.
215
00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:59,919
Kidding. Just be funny
and charming
216
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:01,337
like you were in the meeting.
217
00:08:01,338 --> 00:08:02,821
Okay.
218
00:08:02,822 --> 00:08:03,956
Great. Call me.
219
00:08:03,957 --> 00:08:06,325
I will.
All right.
220
00:08:08,595 --> 00:08:12,148
Has it been a long time
since I've talked?
221
00:08:12,149 --> 00:08:13,632
Come on. Come on.
222
00:08:13,633 --> 00:08:15,134
Come on.
223
00:08:15,936 --> 00:08:17,853
Please tell me
why we let them go.
224
00:08:17,854 --> 00:08:19,555
I mean, the pothead
had jungle fever,
225
00:08:19,556 --> 00:08:21,691
and you could have
gotten the other one
226
00:08:21,692 --> 00:08:23,509
with a taffy apple.
227
00:08:23,510 --> 00:08:24,860
I'm not letting her go.
228
00:08:24,861 --> 00:08:26,979
I just don't want to come off
as desperate.
229
00:08:26,980 --> 00:08:28,698
Yeah, but you are desperate. No.
230
00:08:28,699 --> 00:08:30,015
I'm lonely and miserable.
231
00:08:30,016 --> 00:08:31,016
There's a difference.
232
00:08:31,017 --> 00:08:34,070
And, and what is
that difference?
233
00:08:34,071 --> 00:08:37,039
Shut up. You live
with your grandma.
234
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,291
La, la-ba-di-da.
235
00:08:40,410 --> 00:08:41,844
You know, I wish
236
00:08:41,845 --> 00:08:44,480
these uniforms were a little
more flattering, you know?
237
00:08:44,481 --> 00:08:46,615
Blousier.
238
00:08:46,616 --> 00:08:48,000
Who you trying
to fool?
239
00:08:48,001 --> 00:08:49,368
(toilet flushes)
240
00:08:53,873 --> 00:08:56,142
I mean, you met her
at an O.A. meeting.
241
00:08:56,143 --> 00:08:57,843
I mean, she sticks her hand
under there
242
00:08:57,844 --> 00:09:00,045
and doesn't find a man bra,
she's gonna be ecstatic.
243
00:09:01,381 --> 00:09:03,215
You know, I was thinking
about asking her
244
00:09:03,216 --> 00:09:05,101
to go to the aquarium with me.
245
00:09:05,102 --> 00:09:06,385
The aquarium?
Yeah.
246
00:09:06,386 --> 00:09:07,686
The first date?
Uh-huh.
247
00:09:07,687 --> 00:09:08,887
Let me ask you something.
What?
248
00:09:08,888 --> 00:09:10,573
You ever been on a second date?
249
00:09:10,574 --> 00:09:13,409
(toilet flushes)
250
00:09:17,564 --> 00:09:19,231
Hold it right
there, fella.
251
00:09:19,232 --> 00:09:20,366
Yes, sir?
252
00:09:20,367 --> 00:09:21,767
You want to go to jail?
253
00:09:21,768 --> 00:09:22,768
No, sir.
254
00:09:22,769 --> 00:09:24,736
Then get over there
and wash your hands.
255
00:09:26,623 --> 00:09:28,941
(kids conversing loudly)
256
00:09:28,942 --> 00:09:30,709
All right, people, settle down.
257
00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:33,012
I want you to give
your attention
258
00:09:33,013 --> 00:09:36,015
and your respect
to Officer Michael Biggs
259
00:09:36,016 --> 00:09:38,750
of the Chicago Pol...
Shut up!
260
00:09:41,104 --> 00:09:43,389
Chicago Police Department.
261
00:09:44,241 --> 00:09:46,525
Officer Biggs?
262
00:09:46,526 --> 00:09:47,926
Okay. Uh, thank you.
263
00:09:47,927 --> 00:09:49,278
Mm-hmm.
264
00:09:49,279 --> 00:09:50,479
First, I'd like to say
265
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,399
there are a lot of
misconceptions about what it is
266
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,284
a police officer actually does.
267
00:09:55,285 --> 00:09:57,102
My dad says
you guys are all on the take.
268
00:09:57,103 --> 00:09:58,237
Gary, I told you not...
269
00:09:58,238 --> 00:09:59,822
No, no, th-that's okay.
270
00:09:59,823 --> 00:10:02,208
Well, Gary, that's one of the
misconceptions I was talking about.
271
00:10:02,209 --> 00:10:04,109
Now, I know on TV
and in the movies,
272
00:10:04,110 --> 00:10:06,529
they like to make you think that
there's a lot of corruption...
273
00:10:06,530 --> 00:10:09,615
My mom says you guy only go
after people of color.
274
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:11,383
Well, geez,
275
00:10:11,384 --> 00:10:12,384
that's not true at all.
276
00:10:12,385 --> 00:10:14,136
You calling my mom a liar?
277
00:10:14,137 --> 00:10:17,890
Wh-Why don't we save all of
our questions for the end?
278
00:10:17,891 --> 00:10:19,508
Well, you know what?
This is good.
279
00:10:19,509 --> 00:10:21,594
I mean, questions lead
to a give-and-take
280
00:10:21,595 --> 00:10:22,711
and stimulate discussion.
281
00:10:22,712 --> 00:10:24,947
How can you be a cop
and be so fat?
282
00:10:26,082 --> 00:10:27,766
You know, maybe we should save
283
00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:29,335
the questions till after.
284
00:10:29,336 --> 00:10:30,802
Hey, I have a question.
No, you don't.
285
00:10:30,803 --> 00:10:31,420
Oh, but I do.
286
00:10:31,421 --> 00:10:33,055
No, you don't.
287
00:10:33,056 --> 00:10:34,857
My question is:
What made you want
288
00:10:34,858 --> 00:10:37,142
to become a police officer
in the first place?
289
00:10:37,143 --> 00:10:39,361
Oh, that's a great question.
290
00:10:39,362 --> 00:10:41,747
Well, I became a police officer
291
00:10:41,748 --> 00:10:43,732
because my dad was
a police officer.
292
00:10:43,733 --> 00:10:46,619
He worked the same beat
for 30 years:
293
00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:49,104
a five-block radius
in the Wicker Park area.
294
00:10:49,105 --> 00:10:51,006
And since our last name
is Biggs,
295
00:10:51,007 --> 00:10:53,825
he used to refer to it
as "Biggs' Mile. "
296
00:10:53,826 --> 00:10:57,863
As a kid, I always thought
he was saying "Big Smile. "
297
00:10:58,831 --> 00:11:01,767
I remember watching him
leaving in the morning.
298
00:11:01,768 --> 00:11:03,619
His uniform would
always be pressed,
299
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:05,771
and his shoes shined
like mirrors.
300
00:11:05,772 --> 00:11:07,907
I'd say to him,
"Dad, where are you going?"
301
00:11:07,908 --> 00:11:09,892
And he'd say,
"Biggs' Mile, son. "
302
00:11:09,893 --> 00:11:12,094
And since I thought
he was saying "Big Smile,"
303
00:11:12,095 --> 00:11:14,396
I'd give him a big smile.
304
00:11:14,397 --> 00:11:17,266
Anyway, everybody in that
neighborhood loved him
305
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:19,151
'cause he kept the place safe.
306
00:11:19,152 --> 00:11:22,204
And he treated everyone
with respect.
307
00:11:22,205 --> 00:11:24,707
He made police work look like
like a pretty noble profession
308
00:11:24,708 --> 00:11:26,158
right up until the very end.
309
00:11:26,159 --> 00:11:27,543
What happened? Did he die?
310
00:11:27,544 --> 00:11:29,662
No, he fell in love
with a prostitute,
311
00:11:29,663 --> 00:11:32,014
divorced my mom
and moved to Tampa.
312
00:11:32,015 --> 00:11:34,633
Tore the whole family apart.
313
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:40,806
I probably should have stopped
at "noble profession"
314
00:11:41,808 --> 00:11:43,759
I really appreciate you
doing this.
315
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,928
I think the kids got
a lot out of it.
316
00:11:45,929 --> 00:11:47,680
Oh, hey, they seem
like a good group,
317
00:11:47,681 --> 00:11:49,014
except the one with the mouth.
318
00:11:49,015 --> 00:11:50,549
He's on a hellbound train.
319
00:11:50,550 --> 00:11:52,184
Gary? Yeah.
320
00:11:52,185 --> 00:11:54,270
I caught him sniffing
the dry-erase markers.
321
00:11:54,271 --> 00:11:56,155
That's not gonna end pretty.
(chuckles)
322
00:11:56,156 --> 00:11:59,541
Okay, well, um, thanks again
for inviting me.
323
00:11:59,542 --> 00:12:00,509
You're welcome.
324
00:12:00,510 --> 00:12:02,494
It was nice of you to come.
325
00:12:02,495 --> 00:12:03,946
Oh, it was my pleasure.
326
00:12:03,947 --> 00:12:05,164
So...
327
00:12:06,032 --> 00:12:07,616
what made you want
328
00:12:07,617 --> 00:12:08,934
to become a teacher?
329
00:12:08,935 --> 00:12:10,886
(desk falling over,
kids yelling)
330
00:12:10,887 --> 00:12:14,423
I really don't remember.
331
00:12:15,241 --> 00:12:16,258
I gotta go.
332
00:12:16,259 --> 00:12:19,712
Oh. Oh, okay. Bye.
333
00:12:19,713 --> 00:12:21,764
Bye.
334
00:12:21,765 --> 00:12:23,882
(clears throat)
335
00:12:23,883 --> 00:12:26,018
Hey, would you like to go out
with me sometime?
336
00:12:26,019 --> 00:12:27,186
MOLLY:
Shut up!
337
00:12:29,773 --> 00:12:32,641
Now, that was pathetic.
338
00:12:32,642 --> 00:12:35,227
Really? It didn't look
as smooth as it felt?
339
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:38,263
You know, I could lie
to you if you want,
340
00:12:38,264 --> 00:12:41,116
but I thought our relationship
had grown beyond that.
341
00:12:44,342 --> 00:12:45,559
Two meatball subs,
342
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:50,230
large curly fries
and chocolate malt.
343
00:12:50,231 --> 00:12:52,949
Welcome back.
344
00:12:54,285 --> 00:12:55,435
Thanks, Samuel.
345
00:12:55,436 --> 00:12:57,287
What's this world coming to?
346
00:12:57,288 --> 00:13:00,824
$38 to get lipstick
out of suede pants?
347
00:13:00,825 --> 00:13:02,993
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What
the hell are you doing?
348
00:13:02,994 --> 00:13:04,211
I'm having dinner.
349
00:13:04,212 --> 00:13:05,362
No, this isn't dinner.
350
00:13:05,363 --> 00:13:07,047
This is suicide
with meatball bullets.
351
00:13:07,048 --> 00:13:08,632
Come on. Give that back.
352
00:13:08,633 --> 00:13:10,300
I'm not gonna let
you blow your diet.
353
00:13:10,301 --> 00:13:11,501
You just lost
three-and-a-half pounds.
354
00:13:11,502 --> 00:13:12,586
Oh, big deal.
355
00:13:12,587 --> 00:13:14,504
My farts weigh
three-and-a-half pounds.
356
00:13:14,505 --> 00:13:16,139
You don't have
to tell me.
357
00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:18,342
I ride in the car
with you every day.
358
00:13:18,343 --> 00:13:20,477
Samuel, can you please
throw this away
359
00:13:20,478 --> 00:13:22,679
and bring my partner
a chicken breast on wheat toast?
360
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:25,015
Throw it away? I don't think so.
361
00:13:25,016 --> 00:13:27,401
I will airdrop it to my village.
362
00:13:27,402 --> 00:13:30,987
There. Now, you may
never have sex
363
00:13:30,988 --> 00:13:32,989
without paying for it,
364
00:13:32,990 --> 00:13:35,826
but you're still on your diet.
365
00:13:37,028 --> 00:13:38,412
Thanks.
366
00:13:38,413 --> 00:13:41,031
Come here.
Give me some love.
367
00:13:46,838 --> 00:13:49,756
Sweet Jesus, it's like
hugging a futon.
368
00:13:53,544 --> 00:13:56,329
I don't know. I... I guess
I've had food issues
369
00:13:56,330 --> 00:13:58,315
for as long as I can remember.
370
00:13:58,316 --> 00:14:01,151
Once, my dad had to write
a check for $280
371
00:14:01,152 --> 00:14:05,772
to the Girls Scouts of America
for "unaccounted for cookies. "
372
00:14:07,058 --> 00:14:09,359
God bless him,
he never said a word.
373
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,311
Never made me feel bad about it.
374
00:14:11,312 --> 00:14:14,614
'Course, he weighed about
a thousand pounds himself, so...
375
00:14:14,615 --> 00:14:19,102
Anyway, I know I'm never gonna
be a size two.
376
00:14:19,103 --> 00:14:20,437
I mean, and that's fine
377
00:14:20,438 --> 00:14:22,205
because I happen
to like who I am.
378
00:14:22,206 --> 00:14:25,108
You know, there's nothing
wrong with me as a person.
379
00:14:25,109 --> 00:14:26,576
I'm smart, I'm funny,
380
00:14:26,577 --> 00:14:28,195
I recycle! (laughs)
381
00:14:28,196 --> 00:14:32,449
I just want to learn
to control my eating, you know,
382
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:33,800
and not keel over
383
00:14:33,801 --> 00:14:36,753
in a White Castle
drive-through like my dad.
384
00:14:36,754 --> 00:14:39,823
And it was his third lap.
385
00:14:41,242 --> 00:14:42,476
That's it.
386
00:14:42,477 --> 00:14:44,928
Oh, and I would love
to be able to walk
387
00:14:44,929 --> 00:14:47,180
into a nightclub without having
every queen in the room
388
00:14:47,181 --> 00:14:49,499
leaping on me
like I'm a Gay Pride float.
389
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:51,868
Thank you.
390
00:14:52,636 --> 00:14:54,654
Okay, who wants
to share next?
391
00:14:54,655 --> 00:14:55,739
I would.
392
00:14:55,740 --> 00:14:57,190
Hey, I didn't
see you there.
393
00:14:57,191 --> 00:14:58,308
Yeah, I lost another pound.
394
00:14:58,309 --> 00:15:00,110
I'm becoming a rail.
(laughs)
395
00:15:00,111 --> 00:15:02,612
Can I talk to
you outside?
396
00:15:02,613 --> 00:15:04,898
Sure.
397
00:15:04,899 --> 00:15:06,416
Is everything okay?
398
00:15:06,417 --> 00:15:07,617
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
399
00:15:07,618 --> 00:15:09,169
I just... um...
400
00:15:09,170 --> 00:15:10,337
Well, uh...
401
00:15:10,338 --> 00:15:11,538
(clears throat)
402
00:15:11,539 --> 00:15:13,006
I wanted to tell you...
403
00:15:13,007 --> 00:15:14,491
Mm.
that, uh...
404
00:15:14,492 --> 00:15:17,477
I like fish.
405
00:15:17,478 --> 00:15:20,881
All right.
406
00:15:20,882 --> 00:15:24,751
What I mean to say is, I'm sort
of an amateur ichthyologist.
407
00:15:24,752 --> 00:15:27,337
So, all types of fish?
408
00:15:27,338 --> 00:15:28,438
You know that word?
409
00:15:28,439 --> 00:15:29,639
I'm a school teacher.
410
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,725
You'd be surprised
at the words I know.
411
00:15:31,726 --> 00:15:33,693
Anyway, I-I like to
go to the aquarium
412
00:15:33,694 --> 00:15:37,013
on my days off, 'cause there's
something really soothing
413
00:15:37,014 --> 00:15:38,448
about watching those
giant creatures
414
00:15:38,449 --> 00:15:41,735
float around each other,
all graceful and weightless.
415
00:15:41,736 --> 00:15:44,521
Sounds like
my water aerobics class.
416
00:15:44,522 --> 00:15:46,957
That's funny.
417
00:15:46,958 --> 00:15:49,159
Anyway, uh, uh,
I was wondering
418
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,294
if you weren't doing
anything, if we could...
419
00:15:51,295 --> 00:15:53,863
(yelling)
420
00:15:53,864 --> 00:15:55,665
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine.
421
00:15:55,666 --> 00:15:57,417
You landed pretty hard. Oh!
422
00:15:57,418 --> 00:16:00,554
No, no, I'm good, but I don't
think that table's up to code.
423
00:16:00,555 --> 00:16:04,207
Oh! Oh, is your finger supposed
to be pointed in that direction?
424
00:16:04,208 --> 00:16:05,559
Whoa!
425
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,762
No, it is not.
426
00:16:08,763 --> 00:16:10,230
Oh, that's bad.
427
00:16:10,231 --> 00:16:12,232
I should probably
428
00:16:12,233 --> 00:16:14,184
skedaddle over
to the emergency room.
429
00:16:14,185 --> 00:16:16,019
Yeah. Do you need somebody
to drive you?
430
00:16:16,020 --> 00:16:17,103
Oh, no, no, no.
431
00:16:17,104 --> 00:16:18,655
Life of a police officer.
Tuck and roll.
432
00:16:18,656 --> 00:16:19,856
Duck and cover.
433
00:16:19,857 --> 00:16:20,941
Don't vomit.
434
00:16:20,942 --> 00:16:23,944
Just get to the car.
Don't vomit.
435
00:16:30,132 --> 00:16:33,267
You ever gonna call
that O.A. girl back?
436
00:16:33,268 --> 00:16:35,803
No. That, uh...
that ship has sailed.
437
00:16:35,804 --> 00:16:37,755
I'm just gonna move on.
438
00:16:37,756 --> 00:16:39,640
Mind if I tell you
where I think you went wrong?
439
00:16:39,641 --> 00:16:41,642
Oh, would you?
440
00:16:41,643 --> 00:16:44,812
Women don't want to hear a grown
man going on about ichthyology.
441
00:16:44,813 --> 00:16:47,548
It's got the word ick
built right into it.
442
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:50,902
You know, if you went
with me just once,
443
00:16:50,903 --> 00:16:52,770
you would see
how beautiful and sensuous
444
00:16:52,771 --> 00:16:54,088
these creatures really are.
445
00:16:54,089 --> 00:16:55,423
Mm-hmm. See,
right there?
446
00:16:55,424 --> 00:16:57,408
Ain't no lady in the world
gonna whip her undies off
447
00:16:57,409 --> 00:16:58,860
hearing that kind
of jibber-jabber.
448
00:16:58,861 --> 00:17:02,113
RADIO DISPATCHER: Got an
831 at 9425 Cicero Avenue.
449
00:17:02,114 --> 00:17:03,731
Handle code two.
(static crackles)
450
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:07,468
Car 79 in the vicinity.
451
00:17:07,469 --> 00:17:08,786
Roger, car 79.
452
00:17:08,787 --> 00:17:09,954
Hey, you
ever thought
453
00:17:09,955 --> 00:17:12,206
about one of them Russian
mail order brides?
454
00:17:12,207 --> 00:17:13,608
Here we go.
455
00:17:13,609 --> 00:17:15,509
Those women
are very hot.
456
00:17:15,510 --> 00:17:16,794
Back when they were commies,
457
00:17:16,795 --> 00:17:19,263
they all weighed, like,
300 pounds and had moustaches.
458
00:17:20,215 --> 00:17:22,383
Democracy's
what cleaned them bitches up.
459
00:17:24,219 --> 00:17:25,419
And here's
another idea.
460
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:26,971
Maybe you could
move to Japan.
461
00:17:26,972 --> 00:17:29,390
A big man is like
a god over there.
462
00:17:29,391 --> 00:17:31,592
Do you ever actually
stop to breathe,
463
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,728
or do you have, like, a
blowhole under your hat?
464
00:17:33,729 --> 00:17:36,030
(doorbell rings)
Seriously,
465
00:17:36,031 --> 00:17:37,865
yank your underwear
up into your crack
466
00:17:37,866 --> 00:17:39,767
and get you some
sumo groupies.
467
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:43,103
Mike.
468
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:43,955
Molly.
469
00:17:43,956 --> 00:17:45,339
What are you
doing here?
470
00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:47,024
Uh, somebody called the cops,
471
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:48,976
and we're the cops.
472
00:17:48,977 --> 00:17:51,629
Yeah, we called,
like, an hour and a half ago.
473
00:17:51,630 --> 00:17:52,997
Did you guys get lost,
474
00:17:52,998 --> 00:17:55,583
or stop to make out
under a bridge somewhere?
475
00:17:56,385 --> 00:17:58,118
Calm down, Mom.
476
00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:01,789
Seriously, though, did you guys
stop to get pizza or something?
477
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:03,791
Wow, what are
the odds, huh?
478
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,259
Odds, my sweet
mocha ass.
479
00:18:05,260 --> 00:18:07,511
This is a miracle
of biblical proportions.
480
00:18:07,512 --> 00:18:09,063
How do you figure?
481
00:18:09,064 --> 00:18:11,015
God couldn't bring Molly
to the mountain,
482
00:18:11,016 --> 00:18:14,301
so he brought
the mountain to Molly.
483
00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:16,387
I'm the mountain, right?
484
00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:17,738
You're the freakin'
Himalayas.
485
00:18:17,739 --> 00:18:19,340
Get in there!
486
00:18:19,341 --> 00:18:20,691
It's gonna be okay, Mom.
487
00:18:20,692 --> 00:18:22,142
It's, it's just stuff.
488
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:23,361
Just stuff?!
489
00:18:23,362 --> 00:18:25,079
Is that what you call
the diamond necklace
490
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,230
your father gave me?
491
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:27,531
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
492
00:18:27,532 --> 00:18:28,833
Did you know he had
493
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:31,002
to take a second job
to afford that thing?
494
00:18:31,003 --> 00:18:34,372
And I had to give him
a third job to get it.
495
00:18:36,925 --> 00:18:39,260
You think you'll be able
to find our things?
496
00:18:39,261 --> 00:18:41,328
I doubt it. We barely
found your house.
497
00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:42,880
Hey!
498
00:18:42,881 --> 00:18:45,332
We're gonna do our very best
to recover your property,
499
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,435
but first, we're gonna need
to fill out a report.
500
00:18:47,436 --> 00:18:49,670
VICTORIA:
They stole my water pipe!
501
00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:52,506
(holding in smoke):
Luckily, I was a Girl Scout.
502
00:18:54,559 --> 00:18:56,477
(blows out smoke):
Hi.
503
00:18:57,396 --> 00:18:59,063
Apple?
504
00:18:59,064 --> 00:19:00,982
Uh, no thanks. They test
our urine for fruit.
505
00:19:00,983 --> 00:19:02,450
Oh.
506
00:19:03,285 --> 00:19:04,952
Okay, can I get a list
507
00:19:04,953 --> 00:19:06,654
of some of the missing items?
508
00:19:06,655 --> 00:19:09,240
Well, they took the
TV, a couple of iPods,
509
00:19:09,241 --> 00:19:12,243
the computer,
my mom's jewelry.
510
00:19:12,244 --> 00:19:14,161
Okay, I'm gonna need
serial numbers off the TV
511
00:19:14,162 --> 00:19:15,579
and the computer,
and, uh, any photographs
512
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:17,031
you might have
of the missing property.
513
00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:19,100
And would you like to go out
with me sometime?
514
00:19:19,101 --> 00:19:21,218
What?!
515
00:19:21,219 --> 00:19:23,487
You're asking me out now?
516
00:19:23,488 --> 00:19:25,806
That is correct, ma'am.
517
00:19:25,807 --> 00:19:28,042
You had every chance
to ask me out,
518
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:31,312
and you chose to ask me out
in the middle of a crime scene?
519
00:19:31,313 --> 00:19:33,431
I realize this is not
the most opportune moment,
520
00:19:33,432 --> 00:19:34,849
but I'm quite smitten with you.
521
00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:38,269
I would hate to see this moment
pass by without me telling you
522
00:19:38,270 --> 00:19:39,770
that you're a truly
remarkable woman
523
00:19:39,771 --> 00:19:41,272
with a lot
of interesting qualities
524
00:19:41,273 --> 00:19:44,859
that I find both attractive
and appealing. Ma'am.
525
00:19:44,860 --> 00:19:49,030
Okay, that was pretty cute.
526
00:19:49,031 --> 00:19:50,614
So, is that a yes or a no?
527
00:19:50,615 --> 00:19:52,967
Is it gonna go on the report?
528
00:19:52,968 --> 00:19:55,669
Depends on what
your answer is.
529
00:19:56,538 --> 00:19:58,622
I would love to go out with you.
530
00:19:58,623 --> 00:20:01,509
Then yes, I am
writing that down.
531
00:20:02,794 --> 00:20:05,412
She better be good to him.
532
00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:11,418
What do you want?
I'm a sensitive guy.
533
00:20:13,088 --> 00:20:16,260
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