1
00:00:00,900 --> 00:00:03,200
So, this chick and I are going at it

2
00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:04,787
behind the Central Park Zoo.

3
00:00:04,788 --> 00:00:07,924
The Bonobo chimps start
giving us a standing O,

4
00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:10,293
and just when I'm about to
give her the same thing...

5
00:00:10,294 --> 00:00:13,196
What up?... I...

6
00:00:13,197 --> 00:00:15,364
I can't.

7
00:00:15,365 --> 00:00:16,966
I just... I can't.

8
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:20,420
Guys, I know you count the
minutes until you can escape

9
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:23,306
from your humdrum lives by
hearing how awesome mine is,

10
00:00:23,307 --> 00:00:27,727
and I love doing that for you,
but I just can't tonight.

11
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:30,763
- What's wrong?
- I don't want to talk about it.

12
00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:33,166
Okay. Hey, you guys see
Deadliest Catch last night?

13
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,167
Did I ever!

14
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,318
Deadliest Catch ever!

15
00:00:35,319 --> 00:00:36,769
All right, I'll tell you!

16
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:40,673
My mother is selling
the house I grew up in.

17
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,810
All of my childhood memories
gone, just like that!

18
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,028
That sucks.

19
00:00:45,029 --> 00:00:46,446
I've been there, buddy.

20
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:47,898
What are you talking about?

21
00:00:47,899 --> 00:00:49,549
Your mother still lives in
the house you grew up in.

22
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,401
With her new hippie husband, Clint.

23
00:00:51,402 --> 00:00:53,236
The comfort of home is a little ruined

24
00:00:53,237 --> 00:00:54,905
when someone turns your old room

25
00:00:54,906 --> 00:00:57,991
into what I'm pretty sure is
a Tantric sex temple.

26
00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:00,043
With all the bamboo,
pot smoke and '60s music,

27
00:01:00,044 --> 00:01:02,278
it's like my old G.I. Joes are frozen in

28
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:03,947
some weird Vietnam flashback.

29
00:01:03,948 --> 00:01:06,783
Anyway, I need you guys to come out

30
00:01:06,784 --> 00:01:10,119
to Staten Island on Saturday
and help box everything up.

31
00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:14,290
You expect us to spend a whole day

32
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:15,542
packing up your mom's house?

33
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:16,760
Of course not.

34
00:01:16,761 --> 00:01:18,395
It's a two-day job.

35
00:01:18,396 --> 00:01:19,429
Pass.

36
00:01:19,430 --> 00:01:20,513
Same.

37
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,482
Unsubscribe.

38
00:01:24,769 --> 00:01:26,469
You guys are adorable.

39
00:01:26,470 --> 00:01:28,371
You seriously believe
that I, Barney Stinson,

40
00:01:28,372 --> 00:01:29,956
can't talk you into this?

41
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,158
I got the Queen to give me a fist bump.

42
00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:33,660
No one believes that story.

43
00:01:34,612 --> 00:01:36,579
You may be able to talk the brain surgeons

44
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:38,147
you pick up into doing whatever you want,

45
00:01:38,148 --> 00:01:40,250
but it's not gonna work on us.

46
00:01:47,792 --> 00:01:50,660
How did he do that?

47
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:03,000
Sync by fant0m, corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com

48
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,660
So there we were helping
Barney pack up his childhood home.

49
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,045
Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is

50
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,779
way too big to fit in that box.

51
00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:11,881
Yeah, that's what your mom said.

52
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,799
How dare you!

53
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,818
No, she actually said that.

54
00:02:15,819 --> 00:02:17,403
Oh, dear, I thought I told you,

55
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,155
that's just not going to fit in there.

56
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,458
Someone order something tall,
dark and awesome?

57
00:02:22,459 --> 00:02:24,377
- James!
- Bro!

58
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,296
- How you doing?
- Hey!

59
00:02:27,331 --> 00:02:28,598
- Oh, my goodness!
- Mama.

60
00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:30,499
Look at my two sons.

61
00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:32,352
So big and strong and handsome.

62
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:33,636
Mom.

63
00:02:33,637 --> 00:02:35,305
Stop.

64
00:02:35,306 --> 00:02:36,773
And how is my delicious little grandson?

65
00:02:36,774 --> 00:02:38,007
Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him?

66
00:02:38,008 --> 00:02:40,143
Check it. Huh?

67
00:02:41,645 --> 00:02:43,313
How cute is that, right?

68
00:02:43,314 --> 00:02:45,698
When was the last time
you saw a diaper poking out

69
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,533
of a Dolce and Gabana suit?

70
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:49,585
Tuesday at work.

71
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,854
Some of the senior partners
are really getting up there.

72
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,874
So, Ted,

73
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,542
yesterday at work, I totally talked you up

74
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,378
to that super-hot makeup girl, Liz.

75
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,213
- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- What did you say?

76
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,081
Oh, you know, how funny you are...

77
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,416
- Guilty.
- Handsome.

78
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:04,834
Who, me?

79
00:03:04,835 --> 00:03:06,002
Incredible lover.

80
00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:07,303
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

81
00:03:07,304 --> 00:03:09,205
Oh, yeah. I was all like,

82
00:03:09,206 --> 00:03:12,141
"he knows a woman's body better
than she knows her own,

83
00:03:12,142 --> 00:03:15,678
endless waves of pleasure
just cresting and breaking

84
00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:17,713
for hours and hours..."
Blah, blah, blah.

85
00:03:17,714 --> 00:03:20,900
"Orgasms so intense
that you just black out."

86
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,402
All that stuff.

87
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:26,322
Robin, how can I possibly live
up to that review?

88
00:03:26,323 --> 00:03:28,107
What? You know what
you're doing down there.

89
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:31,244
Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it.
We know this.

90
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:33,162
But that is not the point.

91
00:03:33,163 --> 00:03:34,614
I mean, you broke the first rule

92
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,949
of setting people up: undersell.

93
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:39,252
It's like, if someone's
never seen The Karate Kid,

94
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,404
you don't say,
"it's the greatest movie ever."

95
00:03:41,405 --> 00:03:42,955
You say, "uh, it's pretty good""

96
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,208
and then they see it,
it blows their freakin' mind.

97
00:03:45,209 --> 00:03:48,294
Because Cobra Kai sensei's
all like, "sweep the leg!"

98
00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:49,679
And Daniel-San's all like...

99
00:03:59,556 --> 00:04:01,757
Maybe I did oversell you a bit.

100
00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:04,777
Thank you guys so much for
helping us out with this stuff.

101
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:05,978
Oh, it gives us

102
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:08,597
a rare insight into the
makings of Barney Stinson.

103
00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:10,766
Like, look at this.

104
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,486
Who was a cute little basketball player

105
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,605
before he became the biggest
pervert in the world?

106
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,375
I loved Pee Wee basketball.

107
00:04:19,376 --> 00:04:22,078
Well, until they kicked me off the team...

108
00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:23,796
I was so awesome,

109
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,047
the coach asked me to quit

110
00:04:25,048 --> 00:04:27,800
because it wasn't fair to the other kids.

111
00:04:31,955 --> 00:04:33,956
That sounds plausible.

112
00:04:33,957 --> 00:04:35,258
Hey. It's true.

113
00:04:35,259 --> 00:04:36,976
Tell him, James.

114
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,479
Oh, yeah, he had, like, a
four-foot vertical leap.

115
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,813
He would hit it from the outside,

116
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,231
hit it from the inside...

117
00:04:42,232 --> 00:04:43,266
He sucked.

118
00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:44,600
Coach cut him from the team,

119
00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:46,569
and mom fed him that story
so he'd feel better.

120
00:04:46,570 --> 00:04:48,821
Oh, my God! Look at this.

121
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,807
My letter from the Postmaster General.

122
00:04:51,808 --> 00:04:53,426
I still can't believe he took the time

123
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,527
to write this...

124
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,046
"Dear Barney..."

125
00:04:57,047 --> 00:05:00,583
I sincerely apologize
about losing all the invitations

126
00:05:00,584 --> 00:05:03,419
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party.

127
00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:06,506
That's why none of your
classmates showed up.

128
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:09,158
Not because you threw up

129
00:05:09,159 --> 00:05:11,994
when they turned the lights off
at the Planetarium.

130
00:05:11,995 --> 00:05:14,147
No one even noticed that.

131
00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:19,001
Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore,

132
00:05:19,002 --> 00:05:22,321
and with gin on her breath
at 10:00 in the morning,

133
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:26,125
she's got some nerve kicking us
out of the carpool.

134
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:31,981
Love, Postmaster General.

135
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,368
Thank you.

136
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:37,904
Does your mom make stuff
like that up a lot?

137
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,740
Constantly. I mean, she put more effort

138
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,375
into some lies than others.

139
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,410
Mom? Who's my dad?

140
00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:47,079
All the other kids at school
know who their dad is.

141
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,798
Who's mine?

142
00:05:48,799 --> 00:05:51,767
Oh, I don't know...

143
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:54,036
That guy.

144
00:05:55,138 --> 00:05:57,673
Did she tell you that Bob Barker
was your dad, too?

145
00:05:57,674 --> 00:06:00,142
No. No, no. I heard Flip Wilson,

146
00:06:00,143 --> 00:06:03,379
Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones,

147
00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:04,981
Meadowlark Lemon...

148
00:06:04,982 --> 00:06:06,933
The list goes on.

149
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,936
I still can't get a straight
answer about who my real dad is.

150
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,320
And Barney's no help.

151
00:06:11,321 --> 00:06:14,774
He still believes every lie
that my mom told us growing up.

152
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,776
Not me. I caught on early.

153
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,327
Careful!

154
00:06:18,328 --> 00:06:20,530
Michael Jackson sent me
this glove for my tenth...

155
00:06:20,531 --> 00:06:22,999
Damn.

156
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:28,904
Loretta really lied a lot to her kids.

157
00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:30,006
Well, she's not alone.

158
00:06:30,007 --> 00:06:31,958
Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper,

159
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:34,293
his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick"

160
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,246
and give him cough medicine
until he passed out.

161
00:06:37,247 --> 00:06:38,681
I'm pretty sure

162
00:06:38,682 --> 00:06:40,082
that's what stunted my growth.

163
00:06:40,083 --> 00:06:43,185
I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade,
and then I just stopped.

164
00:06:43,186 --> 00:06:45,471
And then there's the most popular

165
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:47,440
parental lie in history.

166
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:48,724
Santa.

167
00:06:48,725 --> 00:06:50,443
Yeah, but that's a good lie.

168
00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:53,112
Like when we tell Ted he'll meet
the right girl and settle down.

169
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,763
I always find that reassuring.

170
00:06:54,764 --> 00:06:56,032
You will meet her, buddy.

171
00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:58,284
- You think so?
- Yeah!

172
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:02,955
Santa's still a lie, and
I'm not lying to our kids.

173
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,657
Baby, it's Santa.

174
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,325
Don't you want our kids going to sleep

175
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:09,328
on Christmas Eve with their
hearts full of hope,

176
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,831
their heads full of crazy
cough syrup nightmares,

177
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,115
knowing that downstairs

178
00:07:13,116 --> 00:07:15,885
Kris Kringle is stuffing their
stockings full of joy

179
00:07:15,886 --> 00:07:18,220
and stuffing his belly full of milk

180
00:07:18,221 --> 00:07:19,639
and lutefisk that they left him?

181
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,840
Milk and lutefisk?

182
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:23,009
Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota?

183
00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,895
Yeah, that's just what Santa
needs at 3:00 A.M.

184
00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:27,680
When he's battling a snowstorm
over the Rockies:

185
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,933
A sugar crash. No. Santa needs protein.

186
00:07:30,934 --> 00:07:31,984
I'm not lying to our kids.

187
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,802
Ah...

188
00:07:33,803 --> 00:07:34,854
Valentines.

189
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,739
The second base of third grade.

190
00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:40,409
I always got a Valentine from
every single girl in my class.

191
00:07:40,410 --> 00:07:44,146
Funny how all these girls have
the exact same handwriting

192
00:07:44,147 --> 00:07:47,750
as the Postmaster General, mom, and...

193
00:07:47,751 --> 00:07:51,170
Home run king, Frank Aaron.

194
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,339
Yeah, school girls...

195
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,991
The more they ignore you,
pretend to hate your guts,

196
00:07:55,992 --> 00:07:58,094
lock you in the coatroom over winter break,

197
00:07:58,095 --> 00:08:00,513
the more they secretly like you.

198
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,799
This isn't...

199
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,051
Who's Sam Gibbs?

200
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,519
No idea. Why?

201
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,938
Mom addressed this and never sent it.

202
00:08:08,939 --> 00:08:10,640
What's in it?

203
00:08:14,861 --> 00:08:16,395
Hey.

204
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,981
It's a picture of you and me
when we were little kids.

205
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,851
On the back, mom wrote...

206
00:08:22,852 --> 00:08:24,704
"Your son."

207
00:08:29,537 --> 00:08:31,304
Okay, everyone, lunch is ready.

208
00:08:31,305 --> 00:08:32,922
Who wants sloppy Joes?

209
00:08:32,923 --> 00:08:35,291
Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?

210
00:08:36,459 --> 00:08:37,960
That doesn't sound familiar.

211
00:08:37,961 --> 00:08:39,896
Who wants Sloppy Joes?

212
00:08:39,897 --> 00:08:41,147
There's a picture of me and Barney

213
00:08:41,148 --> 00:08:42,348
in an envelope addressed to him.

214
00:08:42,349 --> 00:08:44,350
And you wrote "your son" on the back.

215
00:08:44,351 --> 00:08:45,852
Oh, no, that...

216
00:08:45,853 --> 00:08:47,854
It says "Yourson."

217
00:08:47,855 --> 00:08:49,522
For Yourson, North Dakota.

218
00:08:49,523 --> 00:08:51,858
That's where we took the picture.
Lovely town.

219
00:08:51,859 --> 00:08:54,694
We went kayaking, and you two
rescued the Mayor's dog

220
00:08:54,695 --> 00:08:56,279
which had wandered into the rapids.

221
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,531
That mayor, Sam Gibbs,

222
00:08:58,532 --> 00:08:59,949
asked for your picture so the city

223
00:08:59,950 --> 00:09:01,501
could make statues of you both.

224
00:09:01,502 --> 00:09:03,920
I guess I never sent it.
That's embarrassing.

225
00:09:03,921 --> 00:09:07,340
Now, how about those Sloppy Joes?

226
00:09:07,341 --> 00:09:09,225
If this picture was taken in North Dakota,

227
00:09:09,226 --> 00:09:11,644
then why is our old swing
set in the background?

228
00:09:11,645 --> 00:09:13,629
I don't know!

229
00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:15,965
I did my best as a single parent,

230
00:09:15,966 --> 00:09:17,016
and it wasn't always easy,

231
00:09:17,017 --> 00:09:19,168
and I'd recommend putting the coleslaw

232
00:09:19,169 --> 00:09:22,772
right on top of the Sloppy Joe,
because it's delicious that way!

233
00:09:25,392 --> 00:09:27,393
Can you believe her?

234
00:09:27,394 --> 00:09:29,395
I know.

235
00:09:29,396 --> 00:09:31,397
Forgetting to send the photo.

236
00:09:31,398 --> 00:09:33,349
That poor sculptor had to work from memory.

237
00:09:33,350 --> 00:09:34,984
Those statues probably
look nothing like us.

238
00:09:34,985 --> 00:09:36,552
Damn it, mom!

239
00:09:38,038 --> 00:09:39,121
So, Ted?

240
00:09:39,122 --> 00:09:40,289
You were worried

241
00:09:40,290 --> 00:09:43,025
that I oversold you to Liz.
Well, I fixed it.

242
00:09:43,026 --> 00:09:45,294
- How?
- I sent her another email.

243
00:09:45,295 --> 00:09:47,496
"Dear Liz. I hope it didn't sound

244
00:09:47,497 --> 00:09:49,048
like I was trying to oversell Ted.

245
00:09:49,049 --> 00:09:52,335
The truth is, he is a genuinely
nice, down to earth guy,

246
00:09:52,336 --> 00:09:54,804
and I think you two
would really hit it off."

247
00:09:54,805 --> 00:09:56,172
Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect.

248
00:09:56,173 --> 00:09:57,706
That totally takes the pressure...

249
00:09:57,707 --> 00:10:00,009
"Is he going to rock
your world in bed? No.

250
00:10:00,010 --> 00:10:01,394
But he's clean,

251
00:10:01,395 --> 00:10:05,147
open to criticism, and not
into anything too weird.

252
00:10:05,148 --> 00:10:07,099
He's not bad at all.

253
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,768
Not bad at all."

254
00:10:08,769 --> 00:10:10,353
See, now you went too far in the other...

255
00:10:10,354 --> 00:10:11,887
"I'll be honest. The first few times

256
00:10:11,888 --> 00:10:13,155
aren't going to be that great.

257
00:10:13,156 --> 00:10:14,857
He's going to say 'are you finished?'

258
00:10:14,858 --> 00:10:16,526
more times than a waiter
in a busy restaurant."

259
00:10:16,527 --> 00:10:17,894
Stop!

260
00:10:17,895 --> 00:10:20,313
Listen to me. There is no
Yourson, North Dakota.

261
00:10:20,314 --> 00:10:23,099
- Mom...
- And Sam Gibbs wasn't the Mayor.

262
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,101
He might be one of our fathers.

263
00:10:25,102 --> 00:10:27,287
Well, he's not my dad.
My dad's Bob Barker.

264
00:10:27,288 --> 00:10:29,706
Barney! You...
You've got to stop living

265
00:10:29,707 --> 00:10:31,524
in these fairy tales that mom told us!

266
00:10:31,525 --> 00:10:34,243
Bob Barker is not your father.

267
00:10:34,244 --> 00:10:35,828
Sam Gibbs might be,

268
00:10:35,829 --> 00:10:40,700
but Bob Barker is absolutely,
unequivocally not your father.

269
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,221
I suppose you have a problem
with the Easter Bunny, too.

270
00:10:45,222 --> 00:10:46,639
Not now.

271
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,208
This address isn't too far.

272
00:10:49,209 --> 00:10:51,060
Are you coming with me, or not?

273
00:10:52,479 --> 00:10:54,097
So we're doing this?

274
00:10:54,098 --> 00:10:55,131
We're really going to go disturb

275
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,400
the peaceful Long Island retirement

276
00:10:57,401 --> 00:11:00,302
of the former Mayor
of Yourson, North Dakota

277
00:11:00,303 --> 00:11:01,304
on a Sunday afternoon?

278
00:11:01,305 --> 00:11:03,022
Real classy, James. Real classy.

279
00:11:03,023 --> 00:11:04,941
You're just too scared to face the truth.

280
00:11:04,942 --> 00:11:08,077
You're living in a dream world.

281
00:11:11,365 --> 00:11:14,167
Maybe we shouldn't have
brought these Sloppy Joes.

282
00:11:14,168 --> 00:11:17,319
Oh, what's done is done.

283
00:11:18,505 --> 00:11:21,257
"Ted Mosby is solid as a rock."

284
00:11:21,258 --> 00:11:23,092
No. "Dependable."

285
00:11:23,093 --> 00:11:24,510
No.

286
00:11:24,511 --> 00:11:26,179
"Rugged." No.

287
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:28,164
Why don't I just go to the Chevy web site

288
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,999
and copy down adjectives?

289
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,285
I just want to hit that
perfect middle ground.

290
00:11:32,286 --> 00:11:35,271
How about we just go
wildly to both extremes

291
00:11:35,272 --> 00:11:37,907
and just let them balance
each other out?

292
00:11:37,908 --> 00:11:41,093
"Ted Mosby is really handsome,
but extremely violent,

293
00:11:41,094 --> 00:11:42,194
and really rich,

294
00:11:42,195 --> 00:11:44,830
but lacks bladder control."

295
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,417
- Oh, damn.
- What?

296
00:11:48,418 --> 00:11:49,818
That last bump just made me hit send.

297
00:11:49,819 --> 00:11:51,537
- Oh, no.
- Don't worry.

298
00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,756
I'm sure that everyone
will get it's a joke.

299
00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:55,675
No, they won't. They're going to think...

300
00:11:55,676 --> 00:11:57,176
Wait. "Everyone"?

301
00:11:59,212 --> 00:12:01,681
"Really rich"?

302
00:12:05,686 --> 00:12:07,520
You ready for this?

303
00:12:07,521 --> 00:12:08,938
For what?

304
00:12:08,939 --> 00:12:11,774
I don't know who lives here,
but it's not my dad.

305
00:12:15,812 --> 00:12:17,029
Wait. Wait.

306
00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:18,514
Please, stop.

307
00:12:18,515 --> 00:12:20,950
Just... Just give me a second, okay?

308
00:12:20,951 --> 00:12:22,818
- I thought you said that he...
- Stop.

309
00:12:22,819 --> 00:12:23,953
Come on.

310
00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:26,972
I know Bob Barker's not really...
You know.

311
00:12:26,973 --> 00:12:28,690
I'm not crazy.

312
00:12:28,691 --> 00:12:30,526
I just...

313
00:12:31,361 --> 00:12:32,795
I needed that.

314
00:12:32,796 --> 00:12:34,630
I know it may sound stupid,

315
00:12:34,631 --> 00:12:37,083
but I didn't always feel so
great about myself growing up,

316
00:12:37,084 --> 00:12:39,719
and so having a celebrity
dad made me feel special.

317
00:12:40,721 --> 00:12:43,089
But you're right, James.

318
00:12:43,090 --> 00:12:47,343
It's time to let go of the fantasies.

319
00:12:47,344 --> 00:12:49,378
It's time to grow up.

320
00:12:49,379 --> 00:12:50,879
Come here.

321
00:13:07,748 --> 00:13:09,548
Can I help you?

322
00:13:09,549 --> 00:13:11,567
Yeah...

323
00:13:11,568 --> 00:13:13,502
You're Sam Gibbs.

324
00:13:13,503 --> 00:13:14,754
Yes.

325
00:13:15,905 --> 00:13:17,873
I'm James Stinson,

326
00:13:17,874 --> 00:13:19,842
and, I think

327
00:13:19,843 --> 00:13:22,744
you may have known my
mother, Loretta Stinson...

328
00:13:22,745 --> 00:13:24,547
In the '70s.

329
00:13:24,548 --> 00:13:25,765
Loretta!

330
00:13:25,766 --> 00:13:27,133
Yeah.

331
00:13:27,134 --> 00:13:28,717
Yeah.

332
00:13:28,718 --> 00:13:31,604
Yeah, I... I knew Loretta.

333
00:13:31,605 --> 00:13:35,541
My mother meant to send you this.

334
00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:46,935
You're my son.

335
00:13:58,048 --> 00:14:00,466
God, this must be so hard for Barney.

336
00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:02,534
Yeah, but you know what?

337
00:14:02,535 --> 00:14:04,019
He took a big step today...

338
00:14:04,020 --> 00:14:06,371
Papa!

339
00:14:16,703 --> 00:14:18,287
Look at us!

340
00:14:18,788 --> 00:14:21,440
It's like three of the same guy.

341
00:14:22,109 --> 00:14:23,493
Oh, my God, this explains

342
00:14:23,494 --> 00:14:25,962
why I was always so awesome at basketball.

343
00:14:25,963 --> 00:14:28,447
Guys, I'm black!

344
00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:31,334
Sorry. African-american.

345
00:14:31,335 --> 00:14:33,886
No. I'm allowed to say either.

346
00:14:33,887 --> 00:14:35,671
I got to go get my camera!

347
00:14:35,672 --> 00:14:38,491
That is my younger brother, Barney.

348
00:14:38,492 --> 00:14:41,293
He just thought he'd meet
his real dad today,

349
00:14:41,294 --> 00:14:43,396
and clearly, he's not taking it so well.

350
00:14:43,397 --> 00:14:45,148
Oh, my head's kind of spinning, too.

351
00:14:45,149 --> 00:14:47,600
I mean, Loretta and I only saw each other

352
00:14:47,601 --> 00:14:49,068
for a couple of months.

353
00:14:49,069 --> 00:14:51,521
You were two before
I even knew you existed,

354
00:14:51,522 --> 00:14:52,655
and at that point,

355
00:14:52,656 --> 00:14:53,906
your mother made it very clear

356
00:14:53,907 --> 00:14:55,792
she was going to raise you on her own.

357
00:14:55,793 --> 00:14:59,162
I felt I had to respect her wishes, but

358
00:14:59,163 --> 00:15:01,197
I always wanted to meet you.

359
00:15:01,198 --> 00:15:02,582
Wait.

360
00:15:02,583 --> 00:15:04,534
Barney and James are two years apart.

361
00:15:04,535 --> 00:15:07,203
If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months,

362
00:15:07,204 --> 00:15:09,255
he couldn't possibly be Barney's father.

363
00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:13,226
He's also quite the Detective.

364
00:15:16,163 --> 00:15:17,496
Don't worry. We'll...

365
00:15:17,497 --> 00:15:19,932
We'll snap Barney out of this
when he gets back.

366
00:15:19,933 --> 00:15:21,467
Or, we could just

367
00:15:21,468 --> 00:15:23,186
let him have this one.

368
00:15:23,187 --> 00:15:25,138
What? Are you kidding?

369
00:15:25,139 --> 00:15:26,689
Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home,

370
00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:29,025
he finally admitted
Bob Barker's not his dad,

371
00:15:29,026 --> 00:15:31,527
and then he watched James
meet his real father.

372
00:15:31,528 --> 00:15:33,579
It's just a lot to go
through in one afternoon.

373
00:15:33,580 --> 00:15:36,616
Can't we just let the
guy be black for a day?

374
00:15:38,452 --> 00:15:39,902
Here, Ted. Capture the moment!

375
00:15:39,903 --> 00:15:41,654
I think you'd need Salvador Dalí

376
00:15:41,655 --> 00:15:43,456
to capture this particular moment,

377
00:15:43,457 --> 00:15:45,007
but I'll give it a whirl.

378
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:47,577
Man...

379
00:15:47,578 --> 00:15:49,412
I thought I was a light-skinned Caucasian,

380
00:15:49,413 --> 00:15:53,733
but in truth, I'm a really
light-skinned african-american.

381
00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:54,967
Man,

382
00:15:54,968 --> 00:15:56,869
try to hail a cab in Manhattan.

383
00:15:56,870 --> 00:15:58,304
Am I right?

384
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:01,007
Nope, no one's stopping for this.

385
00:16:02,876 --> 00:16:04,927
These guys don't understand
what I'm talking about.

386
00:16:04,928 --> 00:16:08,898
During that afternoon,
Sam and James began to discover

387
00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:10,633
how much they had in common.

388
00:16:10,634 --> 00:16:15,071
♪ When the night has come ♪

389
00:16:16,273 --> 00:16:17,857
♪ Oh, and the land is dark ♪

390
00:16:17,858 --> 00:16:19,192
Come on. You know this. Come on.

391
00:16:19,193 --> 00:16:22,995
♪ And the moon is the only ♪
♪ the moon ♪

392
00:16:22,996 --> 00:16:25,047
♪ Light we see ♪
♪ Light we see ♪

393
00:16:25,048 --> 00:16:26,298
♪ Light we'll see ♪

394
00:16:26,299 --> 00:16:27,482
♪ Light we'll see ♪

395
00:16:27,483 --> 00:16:28,734
♪ Oh, I won't ♪
♪ Oh, I won't ♪

396
00:16:28,735 --> 00:16:29,735
♪ No, I wo-oh-on't ♪

397
00:16:29,736 --> 00:16:31,136
♪ Be afraid ♪
♪ Be afraid ♪

398
00:16:31,137 --> 00:16:32,171
♪ Hey! Ho ♪

399
00:16:32,172 --> 00:16:33,972
♪ I won't shed a tear ♪

400
00:16:33,973 --> 00:16:35,641
♪ No, I won't shed no tear ♪

401
00:16:35,642 --> 00:16:37,576
♪ Not as long ♪
♪ Not as long ♪

402
00:16:37,577 --> 00:16:38,944
♪ as you stand ♪
♪ as you stand ♪

403
00:16:38,945 --> 00:16:41,113
♪ Stand by me ♪
♪ Stand by me ♪

404
00:16:41,114 --> 00:16:42,481
There you go. Come on.

405
00:16:42,482 --> 00:16:44,983
♪ Whenever you're in trouble,
won't you stand ♪

406
00:16:44,984 --> 00:16:47,369
♪ stand by me ♪

407
00:16:47,370 --> 00:16:50,122
♪ stand by me, stand by me ♪
♪ Won't you stand? ♪

408
00:16:50,123 --> 00:16:52,391
♪ Won't you stand now?
Won't you stand now? Hey! ♪

409
00:16:52,392 --> 00:16:54,376
♪ Stand... ♪
♪ Stand... ♪

410
00:16:54,677 --> 00:16:56,261
- Weird day.
- Weird day.

411
00:16:59,465 --> 00:17:00,766
Hey, look at that!

412
00:17:00,767 --> 00:17:02,434
Liz still wants to meet you.

413
00:17:02,435 --> 00:17:03,619
That's great!

414
00:17:04,788 --> 00:17:06,038
I guess.

415
00:17:06,039 --> 00:17:07,489
Wait a minute.

416
00:17:07,490 --> 00:17:10,209
You said Liz was a total ten.

417
00:17:10,210 --> 00:17:11,744
Why would she want to meet

418
00:17:11,745 --> 00:17:13,945
the incontinent freak
show you described?

419
00:17:15,865 --> 00:17:17,500
You oversold her!

420
00:17:17,701 --> 00:17:18,984
Maybe a little.

421
00:17:18,985 --> 00:17:19,969
You said she was a ten.

422
00:17:19,970 --> 00:17:22,171
I did not specify on what scale.

423
00:17:22,172 --> 00:17:23,956
You said she looked
like a movie star.

424
00:17:23,957 --> 00:17:25,124
She does.

425
00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,208
It's Robert de Niro,

426
00:17:26,209 --> 00:17:28,761
but, like, super buff, like in Cape Fear.

427
00:17:29,763 --> 00:17:32,348
Dad, look how fast I can run!

428
00:17:32,349 --> 00:17:34,884
He's actually a really sweet guy,

429
00:17:34,885 --> 00:17:37,136
and he's great with my son.

430
00:17:37,137 --> 00:17:38,604
I have a grandson?

431
00:17:41,024 --> 00:17:43,192
His name's Eli.

432
00:17:47,397 --> 00:17:49,982
He's beautiful.

433
00:17:49,983 --> 00:17:52,368
Dad, you're not looking!

434
00:17:52,369 --> 00:17:53,786
Eventually,

435
00:17:53,787 --> 00:17:56,322
the strangest afternoon
of our lives wound to a close,

436
00:17:56,323 --> 00:17:58,174
and we headed back to Staten Island,

437
00:17:58,175 --> 00:18:00,826
where Barney and his mom had
a long overdue heart-to-heart.

438
00:18:00,827 --> 00:18:03,362
Barney?

439
00:18:03,363 --> 00:18:04,363
I need to talk to you.

440
00:18:04,364 --> 00:18:05,664
Me first.

441
00:18:05,665 --> 00:18:07,132
Mom,

442
00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:08,868
there's something that I need to ask you,

443
00:18:08,869 --> 00:18:11,337
and I... I want you to be honest with me.

444
00:18:14,241 --> 00:18:18,060
Why do white people like carrot top?

445
00:18:23,216 --> 00:18:25,734
Listen...

446
00:18:25,735 --> 00:18:30,239
I always wanted to be enough for you boys.

447
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,241
I think that's why it always hurt

448
00:18:32,242 --> 00:18:34,193
whenever you asked about your dads,

449
00:18:34,194 --> 00:18:35,661
because I was always

450
00:18:35,662 --> 00:18:38,998
trying so hard to be both parents for you.

451
00:18:38,999 --> 00:18:41,166
But I was being selfish.

452
00:18:42,369 --> 00:18:44,903
You deserve the truth.

453
00:18:46,239 --> 00:18:48,257
So here it is.

454
00:18:48,258 --> 00:18:50,242
Sam is not your father.

455
00:18:51,077 --> 00:18:53,412
Are you sure?

456
00:18:53,413 --> 00:18:54,847
Yes.

457
00:18:54,848 --> 00:18:56,849
He's black, dear.

458
00:18:59,019 --> 00:19:03,405
But if you want, I can tell you
who your father really is.

459
00:19:04,274 --> 00:19:06,892
And at that moment,

460
00:19:06,893 --> 00:19:09,144
Barney suddenly saw his childhood

461
00:19:09,145 --> 00:19:11,730
more clearly than he ever had before.

462
00:19:13,867 --> 00:19:16,368
I'm sorry, but your son
can't be on the team.

463
00:19:16,369 --> 00:19:17,736
He's terrible.

464
00:19:20,957 --> 00:19:22,575
What'd coach say, Ma?

465
00:19:22,576 --> 00:19:24,994
He said you're simply too
good to be on the team.

466
00:19:24,995 --> 00:19:27,162
It's not fair to the other boys.

467
00:19:27,163 --> 00:19:28,581
But that's okay.

468
00:19:28,582 --> 00:19:31,283
We can just play together in the backyard.

469
00:19:32,135 --> 00:19:34,470
Why didn't anyone come?

470
00:19:34,471 --> 00:19:36,121
Oh, you know what, dear?

471
00:19:36,122 --> 00:19:39,425
Apparently, there was a
mix-up with the mail.

472
00:19:39,426 --> 00:19:43,145
I just got this letter from
the Postmaster General.

473
00:19:43,146 --> 00:19:46,715
"Dear Barney, I sincerely apologize

474
00:19:46,716 --> 00:19:49,234
for losing all the invitations

475
00:19:49,235 --> 00:19:52,271
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party."

476
00:20:07,186 --> 00:20:08,403
Barney.

477
00:20:08,404 --> 00:20:09,471
It's okay, mom.

478
00:20:09,472 --> 00:20:10,856
I don't need it.

479
00:20:10,857 --> 00:20:12,741
But it's your father.

480
00:20:12,742 --> 00:20:15,160
I already have a father.

481
00:20:16,179 --> 00:20:18,196
And his name...

482
00:20:18,197 --> 00:20:20,866
Is Loretta.

483
00:20:23,202 --> 00:20:26,237
Kids, your Uncle Barney
grew up without a dad.

484
00:20:26,238 --> 00:20:28,373
And it always made him feel incomplete.

485
00:20:28,374 --> 00:20:30,409
But as he hugged Loretta,

486
00:20:30,410 --> 00:20:33,944
surrounded by the boxes into
his happy childhood,

487
00:20:33,945 --> 00:20:38,232
he realized he had one hell of a mom.

488
00:20:41,237 --> 00:20:43,354
♪ If the sky ♪
♪ If the sky ♪

489
00:20:43,355 --> 00:20:46,925
♪ We look upon ♪
♪ Mmm... ♪

490
00:20:46,926 --> 00:20:49,811
♪ Should tumble and fall ♪
♪ Should tumble and fall ♪

491
00:20:49,812 --> 00:20:54,315
♪ or the mountains should crumble ♪

492
00:20:54,316 --> 00:20:56,768
♪ to the sea, to the sea... ♪

493
00:20:56,769 --> 00:20:59,905
Wait. Dad! James!

494
00:20:59,906 --> 00:21:01,056
Where are you going?

495
00:21:01,057 --> 00:21:03,458
That's the best part.

496
00:21:04,459 --> 00:21:05,900
Can we go camping?

497
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,000
Sync by fant0m, corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com