1 00:00:00,900 --> 00:00:03,200 So, this chick and I are going at it 2 00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:04,787 behind the Central Park Zoo. 3 00:00:04,788 --> 00:00:07,924 The Bonobo chimps start giving us a standing O, 4 00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:10,293 and just when I'm about to give her the same thing... 5 00:00:10,294 --> 00:00:13,196 What up?... I... 6 00:00:13,197 --> 00:00:15,364 I can't. 7 00:00:15,365 --> 00:00:16,966 I just... I can't. 8 00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:20,420 Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape 9 00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:23,306 from your humdrum lives by hearing how awesome mine is, 10 00:00:23,307 --> 00:00:27,727 and I love doing that for you, but I just can't tonight. 11 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:30,763 - What's wrong? - I don't want to talk about it. 12 00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:33,166 Okay. Hey, you guys see Deadliest Catch last night? 13 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,167 Did I ever! 14 00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,318 Deadliest Catch ever! 15 00:00:35,319 --> 00:00:36,769 All right, I'll tell you! 16 00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:40,673 My mother is selling the house I grew up in. 17 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,810 All of my childhood memories gone, just like that! 18 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,028 That sucks. 19 00:00:45,029 --> 00:00:46,446 I've been there, buddy. 20 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:47,898 What are you talking about? 21 00:00:47,899 --> 00:00:49,549 Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in. 22 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,401 With her new hippie husband, Clint. 23 00:00:51,402 --> 00:00:53,236 The comfort of home is a little ruined 24 00:00:53,237 --> 00:00:54,905 when someone turns your old room 25 00:00:54,906 --> 00:00:57,991 into what I'm pretty sure is a Tantric sex temple. 26 00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:00,043 With all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music, 27 00:01:00,044 --> 00:01:02,278 it's like my old G.I. Joes are frozen in 28 00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:03,947 some weird Vietnam flashback. 29 00:01:03,948 --> 00:01:06,783 Anyway, I need you guys to come out 30 00:01:06,784 --> 00:01:10,119 to Staten Island on Saturday and help box everything up. 31 00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:14,290 You expect us to spend a whole day 32 00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:15,542 packing up your mom's house? 33 00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:16,760 Of course not. 34 00:01:16,761 --> 00:01:18,395 It's a two-day job. 35 00:01:18,396 --> 00:01:19,429 Pass. 36 00:01:19,430 --> 00:01:20,513 Same. 37 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,482 Unsubscribe. 38 00:01:24,769 --> 00:01:26,469 You guys are adorable. 39 00:01:26,470 --> 00:01:28,371 You seriously believe that I, Barney Stinson, 40 00:01:28,372 --> 00:01:29,956 can't talk you into this? 41 00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,158 I got the Queen to give me a fist bump. 44 00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:38,147 you pick up into doing whatever you want, 45 00:01:38,148 --> 00:01:40,250 but it's not gonna work on us. 46 00:01:47,792 --> 00:01:50,660 How did he do that? 47 00:01:53,296 --> 00:01:58,396 How I Met Your Mother 6x02 - Cleaning House 48 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,660 So there we were helping Barney pack up his childhood home. 49 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,045 Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is 50 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,779 way too big to fit in that box. 51 00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:11,881 Yeah, that's what your mom said. 52 00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,799 How dare you! 53 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,818 No, she actually said that. 54 00:02:15,819 --> 00:02:17,403 Oh, dear, I thought I told you, 55 00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,155 that's just not going to fit in there. 56 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,458 Someone order something tall, dark and awesome? 57 00:02:22,459 --> 00:02:24,377 - James! - Bro! 58 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,296 - How you doing? - Hey! 59 00:02:27,331 --> 00:02:28,598 - Oh, my goodness! - Mama. 60 00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:30,499 Look at my two sons. 61 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:32,352 So big and strong and handsome. 62 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:33,636 Mom. 63 00:02:33,637 --> 00:02:35,305 Stop. 64 00:02:35,306 --> 00:02:36,773 And how is my delicious little grandson? 65 00:02:36,774 --> 00:02:38,007 Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him? 66 00:02:38,008 --> 00:02:40,143 Check it. Huh? 67 00:02:41,645 --> 00:02:43,313 How cute is that, right? 68 00:02:43,314 --> 00:02:45,698 When was the last time you saw a diaper poking out 69 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,533 of a Dolce and Gabana suit? 70 00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:49,585 Tuesday at work. 71 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,854 Some of the senior partners are really getting up there. 72 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,874 So, Ted, 73 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,542 yesterday at work, I totally talked you up 74 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,378 to that super-hot makeup girl, Liz. 75 00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,213 - Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm. - What did you say? 76 00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,081 Oh, you know, how funny you are... 77 00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,416 - Guilty. - Handsome. 78 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:04,834 Who, me? 79 00:03:04,835 --> 00:03:06,002 Incredible lover. 80 00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:07,303 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 81 00:03:07,304 --> 00:03:09,205 Oh, yeah. I was all like, 82 00:03:09,206 --> 00:03:12,141 "he knows a woman's body better than she knows her own, 83 00:03:12,142 --> 00:03:15,678 endless waves of pleasure just cresting and breaking 84 00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:17,713 for hours and hours..." Blah, blah, blah. 85 00:03:17,714 --> 00:03:20,900 "Orgasms so intense that you just black out." 86 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,402 All that stuff. 87 00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:26,322 Robin, how can I possibly live up to that review? 88 00:03:26,323 --> 00:03:28,107 What? You know what you're doing down there. 89 00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:31,244 Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it. We know this. 90 00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:33,162 But that is not the point. 91 00:03:33,163 --> 00:03:34,614 I mean, you broke the first rule 92 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,949 of setting people up: undersell. 93 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:39,252 It's like, if someone's never seen The Karate Kid, 94 00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,404 you don't say, "it's the greatest movie ever." 95 00:03:41,405 --> 00:03:42,955 You say, "uh, it's pretty good"" 96 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,208 and then they see it, it blows their freakin' mind. 97 00:03:45,209 --> 00:03:48,294 Because Cobra Kai sensei's all like, "sweep the leg!" 98 00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:49,679 And Daniel-San's all like... 99 00:03:59,556 --> 00:04:01,757 Maybe I did oversell you a bit. 100 00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:04,777 Thank you guys so much for helping us out with this stuff. 101 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:05,978 Oh, it gives us 102 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:08,597 a rare insight into the makings of Barney Stinson. 103 00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:10,766 Like, look at this. 104 00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,486 Who was a cute little basketball player 105 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,605 before he became the biggest pervert in the world? 106 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,375 I loved Pee Wee basketball. 107 00:04:19,376 --> 00:04:22,078 Well, until they kicked me off the team... 108 00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:23,796 I was so awesome, 109 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,047 the coach asked me to quit 110 00:04:25,048 --> 00:04:27,800 because it wasn't fair to the other kids. 111 00:04:31,955 --> 00:04:33,956 That sounds plausible. 112 00:04:33,957 --> 00:04:35,258 Hey. It's true. 113 00:04:35,259 --> 00:04:36,976 Tell him, James. 114 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,479 Oh, yeah, he had, like, a four-foot vertical leap. 115 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,813 He would hit it from the outside, 116 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,231 hit it from the inside... 117 00:04:42,232 --> 00:04:43,266 He sucked. 118 00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:44,600 Coach cut him from the team, 119 00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:46,569 and mom fed him that story so he'd feel better. 120 00:04:46,570 --> 00:04:48,821 Oh, my God! Look at this. 121 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,807 My letter from the Postmaster General. 122 00:04:51,808 --> 00:04:53,426 I still can't believe he took the time 123 00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,527 to write this... 124 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,046 "Dear Barney..." 125 00:04:57,047 --> 00:05:00,583 I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations 126 00:05:00,584 --> 00:05:03,419 you sent out to your eighth birthday party. 127 00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:06,506 That's why none of your classmates showed up. 128 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:09,158 Not because you threw up 129 00:05:09,159 --> 00:05:11,994 when they turned the lights off at the Planetarium. 130 00:05:11,995 --> 00:05:14,147 No one even noticed that. 131 00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:19,001 Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore, 132 00:05:19,002 --> 00:05:22,321 and with gin on her breath at 10:00 in the morning, 133 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:26,125 she's got some nerve kicking us out of the carpool. 134 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:31,981 Love, Postmaster General. 135 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,368 Thank you. 136 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:37,904 Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot? 137 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,740 Constantly. I mean, she put more effort 138 00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,375 into some lies than others. 139 00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,410 Mom? Who's my dad? 140 00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:47,079 All the other kids at school know who their dad is. 141 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,798 Who's mine? 142 00:05:48,799 --> 00:05:51,767 Oh, I don't know... 143 00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:54,036 That guy. 144 00:05:55,138 --> 00:05:57,673 Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad, too? 145 00:05:57,674 --> 00:06:00,142 No. No, no. I heard Flip Wilson, 146 00:06:00,143 --> 00:06:03,379 Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones, 147 00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:04,981 Meadowlark Lemon... 148 00:06:04,982 --> 00:06:06,933 The list goes on. 149 00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,936 I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. 150 00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,320 And Barney's no help. 151 00:06:11,321 --> 00:06:14,774 He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. 152 00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,776 Not me. I caught on early. 153 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,327 Careful! 154 00:06:18,328 --> 00:06:20,530 Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my tenth... 155 00:06:20,531 --> 00:06:22,999 Damn. 156 00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:28,904 Loretta really lied a lot to her kids. 157 00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:30,006 Well, she's not alone. 158 00:06:30,007 --> 00:06:31,958 Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper, 159 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:34,293 his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick" 160 00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,246 and give him cough medicine until he passed out. 161 00:06:37,247 --> 00:06:38,681 I'm pretty sure 162 00:06:38,682 --> 00:06:40,082 that's what stunted my growth. 163 00:06:40,083 --> 00:06:43,185 I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade, and then I just stopped. 164 00:06:43,186 --> 00:06:45,471 And then there's the most popular 165 00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:47,440 parental lie in history. 166 00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:48,724 Santa. 167 00:06:48,725 --> 00:06:50,443 Yeah, but that's a good lie. 168 00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:53,112 Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down. 169 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,763 I always find that reassuring. 170 00:06:54,764 --> 00:06:56,032 You will meet her, buddy. 171 00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:58,284 - You think so? - Yeah! 172 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:02,955 Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids. 173 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,657 Baby, it's Santa. 174 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,325 Don't you want our kids going to sleep 175 00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:09,328 on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope, 176 00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,831 their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares, 177 00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,115 knowing that downstairs 178 00:07:13,116 --> 00:07:15,885 Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy 179 00:07:15,886 --> 00:07:18,220 and stuffing his belly full of milk 180 00:07:18,221 --> 00:07:19,639 and lutefisk that they left him? 181 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,840 Milk and lutefisk? 182 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:23,009 Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota? 183 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,895 Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 A.M. 184 00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:27,680 When he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies: 185 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,933 A sugar crash. No. Santa needs protein. 186 00:07:30,934 --> 00:07:31,984 I'm not lying to our kids. 187 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,802 Ah... 188 00:07:33,803 --> 00:07:34,854 Valentines. 189 00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,739 The second base of third grade. 190 00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:40,409 I always got a Valentine from every single girl in my class. 191 00:07:40,410 --> 00:07:44,146 Funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting 192 00:07:44,147 --> 00:07:47,750 as the Postmaster General, mom, and... 193 00:07:47,751 --> 00:07:51,170 Home run king, Frank Aaron. 194 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,339 Yeah, school girls... 195 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,991 The more they ignore you, pretend to hate your guts, 196 00:07:55,992 --> 00:07:58,094 lock you in the coatroom over winter break, 197 00:07:58,095 --> 00:08:00,513 the more they secretly like you. 198 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,799 This isn't... 199 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,051 Who's Sam Gibbs? 200 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,519 No idea. Why? 201 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,938 Mom addressed this and never sent it. 202 00:08:08,939 --> 00:08:10,640 What's in it? 203 00:08:14,861 --> 00:08:16,395 Hey. 204 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,981 It's a picture of you and me when we were little kids. 205 00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,851 On the back, mom wrote... 206 00:08:22,852 --> 00:08:24,704 "Your son." 207 00:08:30,042 --> 00:08:31,809 Okay, everyone, lunch is ready. 208 00:08:31,810 --> 00:08:33,427 Who wants sloppy Joes? 209 00:08:33,428 --> 00:08:35,796 Mom, who's Sam Gibbs? 210 00:08:36,964 --> 00:08:38,465 That doesn't sound familiar. 211 00:08:38,466 --> 00:08:40,401 Who wants Sloppy Joes? 212 00:08:40,402 --> 00:08:41,652 There's a picture of me and Barney 213 00:08:41,653 --> 00:08:42,853 in an envelope addressed to him. 214 00:08:42,854 --> 00:08:44,855 And you wrote "your son" on the back. 215 00:08:44,856 --> 00:08:46,357 Oh, no, that... 216 00:08:46,358 --> 00:08:48,359 It says "Yourson." 217 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,027 For Yourson, North Dakota. 218 00:08:50,028 --> 00:08:52,363 That's where we took the picture. Lovely town. 219 00:08:52,364 --> 00:08:55,199 We went kayaking, and you two rescued the Mayor's dog 220 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:56,784 which had wandered into the rapids. 221 00:08:56,785 --> 00:08:59,036 That mayor, Sam Gibbs, 222 00:08:59,037 --> 00:09:00,454 asked for your picture so the city 223 00:09:00,455 --> 00:09:02,006 could make statues of you both. 224 00:09:02,007 --> 00:09:04,425 I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing. 225 00:09:04,426 --> 00:09:07,845 Now, how about those Sloppy Joes? 226 00:09:07,846 --> 00:09:09,730 If this picture was taken in North Dakota, 227 00:09:09,731 --> 00:09:12,149 then why is our old swing set in the background? 228 00:09:12,150 --> 00:09:14,134 I don't know! 229 00:09:14,135 --> 00:09:16,470 I did my best as a single parent, 230 00:09:16,471 --> 00:09:17,521 and it wasn't always easy, 231 00:09:17,522 --> 00:09:19,673 and I'd recommend putting the coleslaw 232 00:09:19,674 --> 00:09:23,277 right on top of the Sloppy Joe, because it's delicious that way! 233 00:09:25,897 --> 00:09:27,898 Can you believe her? 234 00:09:27,899 --> 00:09:29,900 I know. 235 00:09:29,901 --> 00:09:31,902 Forgetting to send the photo. 236 00:09:31,903 --> 00:09:33,854 That poor sculptor had to work from memory. 237 00:09:33,855 --> 00:09:35,489 Those statues probably look nothing like us. 238 00:09:35,490 --> 00:09:37,057 Damn it, mom! 239 00:09:38,543 --> 00:09:39,626 So, Ted? 240 00:09:39,627 --> 00:09:40,794 You were worried 241 00:09:40,795 --> 00:09:43,530 that I oversold you to Liz. Well, I fixed it. 242 00:09:43,531 --> 00:09:45,799 - How? - I sent her another email. 243 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,001 "Dear Liz. I hope it didn't sound 244 00:09:48,002 --> 00:09:49,553 like I was trying to oversell Ted. 245 00:09:49,554 --> 00:09:52,840 The truth is, he is a genuinely nice, down to earth guy, 246 00:09:52,841 --> 00:09:55,309 and I think you two would really hit it off." 247 00:09:55,310 --> 00:09:56,677 Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect. 248 00:09:56,678 --> 00:09:58,211 That totally takes the pressure... 249 00:09:58,212 --> 00:10:00,514 "Is he going to rock your world in bed? No. 250 00:10:00,515 --> 00:10:01,899 But he's clean, 251 00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:05,652 open to criticism, and not into anything too weird. 252 00:10:05,653 --> 00:10:07,604 He's not bad at all. 253 00:10:07,605 --> 00:10:09,273 Not bad at all." 254 00:10:09,274 --> 00:10:10,858 See, now you went too far in the other... 255 00:10:10,859 --> 00:10:12,392 "I'll be honest. The first few times 256 00:10:12,393 --> 00:10:13,660 aren't going to be that great. 257 00:10:13,661 --> 00:10:15,362 He's going to say 'are you finished?' 258 00:10:15,363 --> 00:10:17,031 more times than a waiter in a busy restaurant." 259 00:10:17,032 --> 00:10:18,399 Stop! 260 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,818 Listen to me. There is no Yourson, North Dakota. 261 00:10:20,819 --> 00:10:23,604 - Mom... - And Sam Gibbs wasn't the Mayor. 262 00:10:23,605 --> 00:10:25,606 He might be one of our fathers. 263 00:10:25,607 --> 00:10:27,792 Well, he's not my dad. My dad's Bob Barker. 264 00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:30,211 Barney! You... You've got to stop living 265 00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:32,029 in these fairy tales that mom told us! 266 00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:34,748 Bob Barker is not your father. 267 00:10:34,749 --> 00:10:36,333 Sam Gibbs might be, 268 00:10:36,334 --> 00:10:41,205 but Bob Barker is absolutely, unequivocally not your father. 269 00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:45,726 I suppose you have a problem with the Easter Bunny, too. 270 00:10:45,727 --> 00:10:47,144 Not now. 271 00:10:47,145 --> 00:10:49,713 This address isn't too far. 272 00:10:49,714 --> 00:10:51,565 Are you coming with me, or not? 273 00:10:52,984 --> 00:10:54,602 So we're doing this? 274 00:10:54,603 --> 00:10:55,636 We're really going to go disturb 275 00:10:55,637 --> 00:10:57,905 the peaceful Long Island retirement 276 00:10:57,906 --> 00:11:00,807 of the former Mayor of Yourson, North Dakota 277 00:11:00,808 --> 00:11:01,809 on a Sunday afternoon? 278 00:11:01,810 --> 00:11:03,527 Real classy, James. Real classy. 279 00:11:03,528 --> 00:11:05,446 You're just too scared to face the truth. 280 00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:08,582 You're living in a dream world. 281 00:11:11,870 --> 00:11:14,672 Maybe we shouldn't have brought these Sloppy Joes. 282 00:11:14,673 --> 00:11:17,824 Oh, what's done is done. 283 00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:21,762 "Ted Mosby is solid as a rock." 284 00:11:21,763 --> 00:11:23,597 No. "Dependable." 285 00:11:23,598 --> 00:11:25,015 No. 286 00:11:25,016 --> 00:11:26,684 "Rugged." No. 287 00:11:26,685 --> 00:11:28,669 Why don't I just go to the Chevy web site 288 00:11:28,670 --> 00:11:30,504 and copy down adjectives? 289 00:11:30,505 --> 00:11:32,790 I just want to hit that perfect middle ground. 290 00:11:32,791 --> 00:11:35,776 How about we just go wildly to both extremes 291 00:11:35,777 --> 00:11:38,412 and just let them balance each other out? 292 00:11:38,413 --> 00:11:41,598 "Ted Mosby is really handsome, but extremely violent, 293 00:11:41,599 --> 00:11:42,699 and really rich, 294 00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,335 but lacks bladder control." 295 00:11:47,172 --> 00:11:48,922 - Oh, damn. - What? 296 00:11:48,923 --> 00:11:50,323 That last bump just made me hit send. 297 00:11:50,324 --> 00:11:52,042 - Oh, no. - Don't worry. 298 00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:54,261 I'm sure that everyone will get it's a joke. 299 00:11:54,262 --> 00:11:56,180 No, they won't. They're going to think... 300 00:11:56,181 --> 00:11:57,681 Wait. "Everyone"? 301 00:11:59,717 --> 00:12:02,186 "Really rich"? 302 00:12:06,191 --> 00:12:08,025 You ready for this? 303 00:12:08,026 --> 00:12:09,443 For what? 304 00:12:09,444 --> 00:12:12,279 I don't know who lives here, but it's not my dad. 305 00:12:16,317 --> 00:12:17,534 Wait. Wait. 306 00:12:17,535 --> 00:12:19,019 Please, stop. 307 00:12:19,020 --> 00:12:21,455 Just... Just give me a second, okay? 308 00:12:21,456 --> 00:12:23,323 - I thought you said that he... - Stop. 309 00:12:23,324 --> 00:12:24,458 Come on. 310 00:12:24,459 --> 00:12:27,477 I know Bob Barker's not really... You know. 311 00:12:27,478 --> 00:12:29,195 I'm not crazy. 312 00:12:29,196 --> 00:12:31,031 I just... 313 00:12:31,866 --> 00:12:33,300 I needed that. 314 00:12:33,301 --> 00:12:35,135 I know it may sound stupid, 315 00:12:35,136 --> 00:12:37,588 but I didn't always feel so great about myself growing up, 316 00:12:37,589 --> 00:12:40,224 and so having a celebrity dad made me feel special. 317 00:12:41,226 --> 00:12:43,594 But you're right, James. 318 00:12:43,595 --> 00:12:47,848 It's time to let go of the fantasies. 319 00:12:47,849 --> 00:12:49,883 It's time to grow up. 320 00:12:49,884 --> 00:12:51,384 Come here. 321 00:13:08,253 --> 00:13:10,053 Can I help you? 322 00:13:10,054 --> 00:13:12,072 Yeah... 323 00:13:12,073 --> 00:13:14,007 You're Sam Gibbs. 324 00:13:14,008 --> 00:13:15,259 Yes. 325 00:13:16,410 --> 00:13:18,378 I'm James Stinson, 326 00:13:18,379 --> 00:13:20,347 and, I think 327 00:13:20,348 --> 00:13:23,249 you may have known my mother, Loretta Stinson... 328 00:13:23,250 --> 00:13:25,052 In the '70s. 329 00:13:25,053 --> 00:13:26,270 Loretta! 330 00:13:26,271 --> 00:13:27,638 Yeah. 331 00:13:27,639 --> 00:13:29,222 Yeah. 332 00:13:29,223 --> 00:13:32,109 Yeah, I... I knew Loretta. 333 00:13:32,110 --> 00:13:36,046 My mother meant to send you this. 334 00:13:44,038 --> 00:13:47,440 You're my son. 335 00:13:58,553 --> 00:14:00,971 God, this must be so hard for Barney. 336 00:14:02,072 --> 00:14:03,039 Yeah, but you know what? 337 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,524 He took a big step today... 338 00:14:04,525 --> 00:14:06,876 Papa! 339 00:14:17,596 --> 00:14:19,180 Look at us! 340 00:14:19,681 --> 00:14:22,333 It's like three of the same guy. 341 00:14:23,002 --> 00:14:24,095 Oh, my God, this explains 342 00:14:24,222 --> 00:14:26,690 why I was always so awesome at basketball. 343 00:14:26,856 --> 00:14:29,340 Guys, I'm black! 344 00:14:30,309 --> 00:14:32,227 Sorry. African-american. 345 00:14:32,228 --> 00:14:34,779 No. I'm allowed to say either. 346 00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:36,564 I got to go get my camera! 347 00:14:36,565 --> 00:14:39,384 That is my younger brother, Barney. 348 00:14:39,385 --> 00:14:42,186 He just thought he'd meet his real dad today, 349 00:14:42,187 --> 00:14:44,289 and clearly, he's not taking it so well. 350 00:14:44,290 --> 00:14:46,041 Oh, my head's kind of spinning, too. 351 00:14:46,042 --> 00:14:48,493 I mean, Loretta and I only saw each other 352 00:14:48,494 --> 00:14:49,961 for a couple of months. 353 00:14:49,962 --> 00:14:52,414 You were two before I even knew you existed, 354 00:14:52,415 --> 00:14:53,548 and at that point, 355 00:14:53,549 --> 00:14:54,799 your mother made it very clear 356 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,685 she was going to raise you on her own. 357 00:14:56,686 --> 00:15:00,055 I felt I had to respect her wishes, but 358 00:15:00,056 --> 00:15:02,090 I always wanted to meet you. 359 00:15:02,091 --> 00:15:03,475 Wait. 360 00:15:03,476 --> 00:15:05,427 Barney and James are two years apart. 361 00:15:05,428 --> 00:15:08,096 If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months, 362 00:15:08,097 --> 00:15:10,148 he couldn't possibly be Barney's father. 363 00:15:10,149 --> 00:15:14,119 He's also quite the Detective. 364 00:15:17,056 --> 00:15:18,389 Don't worry. We'll... 365 00:15:18,390 --> 00:15:20,825 We'll snap Barney out of this when he gets back. 366 00:15:20,826 --> 00:15:22,360 Or, we could just 367 00:15:22,361 --> 00:15:24,079 let him have this one. 368 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,031 What? Are you kidding? 369 00:15:26,032 --> 00:15:27,582 Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home, 370 00:15:27,583 --> 00:15:29,918 he finally admitted Bob Barker's not his dad, 371 00:15:29,919 --> 00:15:32,420 and then he watched James meet his real father. 372 00:15:32,421 --> 00:15:34,472 It's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. 373 00:15:34,473 --> 00:15:37,509 Can't we just let the guy be black for a day? 374 00:15:39,345 --> 00:15:40,795 Here, Ted. Capture the moment! 375 00:15:40,796 --> 00:15:42,547 I think you'd need Salvador Dalí 376 00:15:42,548 --> 00:15:44,349 to capture this particular moment, 377 00:15:44,350 --> 00:15:45,900 but I'll give it a whirl. 378 00:15:47,053 --> 00:15:48,470 Man... 379 00:15:48,471 --> 00:15:50,305 I thought I was a light-skinned Caucasian, 380 00:15:50,306 --> 00:15:54,626 but in truth, I'm a really light-skinned african-american. 381 00:15:54,627 --> 00:15:55,860 Man, 382 00:15:55,861 --> 00:15:57,762 try to hail a cab in Manhattan. 383 00:15:57,763 --> 00:15:59,197 Am I right? 384 00:15:59,198 --> 00:16:01,900 Nope, no one's stopping for this. 385 00:16:03,769 --> 00:16:05,820 These guys don't understand what I'm talking about. 386 00:16:05,821 --> 00:16:09,791 During that afternoon, Sam and James began to discover 387 00:16:09,792 --> 00:16:11,526 how much they had in common. 388 00:16:11,527 --> 00:16:15,964 ♪ When the night has come ♪ 389 00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:18,750 ♪ Oh, and the land is dark ♪ 390 00:16:18,751 --> 00:16:20,085 Come on. You know this. Come on. 391 00:16:20,086 --> 00:16:23,888 ♪ And the moon is the only ♪ ♪ the moon ♪ 392 00:16:23,889 --> 00:16:25,940 ♪ Light we see ♪ ♪ Light we see ♪ 393 00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:27,191 ♪ Light we'll see ♪ 394 00:16:27,192 --> 00:16:28,375 ♪ Light we'll see ♪ 395 00:16:28,376 --> 00:16:29,627 ♪ Oh, I won't ♪ ♪ Oh, I won't ♪ 396 00:16:29,628 --> 00:16:30,628 ♪ No, I wo-oh-on't ♪ 397 00:16:30,629 --> 00:16:32,029 ♪ Be afraid ♪ ♪ Be afraid ♪ 398 00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:33,064 ♪ Hey! Ho ♪ 399 00:16:33,065 --> 00:16:34,865 ♪ I won't shed a tear ♪ 400 00:16:34,866 --> 00:16:36,534 ♪ No, I won't shed no tear ♪ 401 00:16:36,535 --> 00:16:38,469 ♪ Not as long ♪ ♪ Not as long ♪ 402 00:16:38,470 --> 00:16:39,837 ♪ as you stand ♪ ♪ as you stand ♪ 403 00:16:39,838 --> 00:16:42,006 ♪ Stand by me ♪ ♪ Stand by me ♪ 404 00:16:42,007 --> 00:16:43,374 There you go. Come on. 405 00:16:43,375 --> 00:16:45,876 ♪ Whenever you're in trouble, won't you stand ♪ 406 00:16:45,877 --> 00:16:48,262 ♪ stand by me ♪ 407 00:16:48,263 --> 00:16:51,015 ♪ stand by me, stand by me ♪ ♪ Won't you stand? ♪ 408 00:16:51,016 --> 00:16:53,284 ♪ Won't you stand now? Won't you stand now? Hey! ♪ 409 00:16:53,285 --> 00:16:55,269 ♪ Stand... ♪ ♪ Stand... ♪ 410 00:16:55,570 --> 00:16:57,154 - Weird day. - Weird day. 411 00:17:00,358 --> 00:17:01,659 Hey, look at that! 412 00:17:01,660 --> 00:17:03,327 Liz still wants to meet you. 413 00:17:03,328 --> 00:17:04,512 That's great! 414 00:17:05,681 --> 00:17:06,931 I guess. 415 00:17:06,932 --> 00:17:08,382 Wait a minute. 416 00:17:08,383 --> 00:17:11,102 You said Liz was a total ten. 417 00:17:11,103 --> 00:17:12,637 Why would she want to meet 418 00:17:12,638 --> 00:17:14,838 the incontinent freak show you described? 419 00:17:16,758 --> 00:17:18,393 You oversold her! 420 00:17:18,594 --> 00:17:19,877 Maybe a little. 421 00:17:19,878 --> 00:17:20,862 You said she was a ten. 422 00:17:20,863 --> 00:17:23,064 I did not specify on what scale. 423 00:17:23,065 --> 00:17:24,849 You said she looked like a movie star. 424 00:17:24,850 --> 00:17:26,017 She does. 425 00:17:26,018 --> 00:17:27,101 It's Robert de Niro, 426 00:17:27,102 --> 00:17:29,654 but, like, super buff, like in Cape Fear. 427 00:17:30,656 --> 00:17:33,241 Dad, look how fast I can run! 428 00:17:33,242 --> 00:17:35,777 He's actually a really sweet guy, 429 00:17:35,778 --> 00:17:38,029 and he's great with my son. 430 00:17:38,030 --> 00:17:39,497 I have a grandson? 431 00:17:41,917 --> 00:17:44,085 His name's Eli. 432 00:17:48,290 --> 00:17:50,875 He's beautiful. 433 00:17:50,876 --> 00:17:53,261 Dad, you're not looking! 434 00:17:53,262 --> 00:17:54,679 Eventually, 435 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,215 the strangest afternoon of our lives wound to a close, 436 00:17:57,216 --> 00:17:59,067 and we headed back to Staten Island, 437 00:17:59,068 --> 00:18:01,719 where Barney and his mom had a long overdue heart-to-heart. 438 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,255 Barney? 439 00:18:04,256 --> 00:18:05,256 I need to talk to you. 440 00:18:05,257 --> 00:18:06,557 Me first. 441 00:18:06,558 --> 00:18:08,025 Mom, 442 00:18:08,026 --> 00:18:09,761 there's something that I need to ask you, 443 00:18:09,762 --> 00:18:12,230 and I... I want you to be honest with me. 444 00:18:15,134 --> 00:18:18,953 Why do white people like carrot top? 445 00:18:24,109 --> 00:18:26,627 Listen... 446 00:18:26,628 --> 00:18:31,132 I always wanted to be enough for you boys. 447 00:18:31,133 --> 00:18:33,134 I think that's why it always hurt 448 00:18:33,135 --> 00:18:35,086 whenever you asked about your dads, 449 00:18:35,087 --> 00:18:36,554 because I was always 450 00:18:36,555 --> 00:18:39,891 trying so hard to be both parents for you. 451 00:18:39,892 --> 00:18:42,059 But I was being selfish. 452 00:18:43,262 --> 00:18:45,796 You deserve the truth. 453 00:18:47,132 --> 00:18:49,150 So here it is. 454 00:18:49,151 --> 00:18:51,135 Sam is not your father. 455 00:18:51,970 --> 00:18:54,305 Are you sure? 456 00:18:54,306 --> 00:18:55,740 Yes. 457 00:18:55,741 --> 00:18:57,742 He's black, dear. 458 00:18:59,912 --> 00:19:04,298 But if you want, I can tell you who your father really is. 459 00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:07,785 And at that moment, 460 00:19:07,786 --> 00:19:10,037 Barney suddenly saw his childhood 461 00:19:10,038 --> 00:19:12,623 more clearly than he ever had before. 462 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,261 I'm sorry, but your son can't be on the team. 463 00:19:17,262 --> 00:19:18,629 He's terrible. 464 00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:23,468 What'd coach say, Ma? 465 00:19:23,469 --> 00:19:25,887 He said you're simply too good to be on the team. 466 00:19:25,888 --> 00:19:28,055 It's not fair to the other boys. 467 00:19:28,056 --> 00:19:29,474 But that's okay. 468 00:19:29,475 --> 00:19:32,176 We can just play together in the backyard. 469 00:19:33,028 --> 00:19:35,363 Why didn't anyone come? 470 00:19:35,364 --> 00:19:37,014 Oh, you know what, dear? 471 00:19:37,015 --> 00:19:40,318 Apparently, there was a mix-up with the mail. 472 00:19:40,319 --> 00:19:44,038 I just got this letter from the Postmaster General. 473 00:19:44,039 --> 00:19:47,608 "Dear Barney, I sincerely apologize 474 00:19:47,609 --> 00:19:50,127 for losing all the invitations 475 00:19:50,128 --> 00:19:53,164 you sent out to your eighth birthday party." 476 00:20:08,079 --> 00:20:09,296 Barney. 477 00:20:09,297 --> 00:20:10,364 It's okay, mom. 478 00:20:10,365 --> 00:20:11,749 I don't need it. 479 00:20:11,750 --> 00:20:13,634 But it's your father. 480 00:20:13,635 --> 00:20:16,053 I already have a father. 481 00:20:17,072 --> 00:20:19,089 And his name... 482 00:20:19,090 --> 00:20:21,759 Is Loretta. 483 00:20:24,095 --> 00:20:27,130 Kids, your Uncle Barney grew up without a dad. 484 00:20:27,131 --> 00:20:29,266 And it always made him feel incomplete. 485 00:20:29,267 --> 00:20:31,302 But as he hugged Loretta, 486 00:20:31,303 --> 00:20:34,837 surrounded by the boxes into his happy childhood, 487 00:20:34,838 --> 00:20:39,125 he realized he had one hell of a mom. 488 00:20:42,130 --> 00:20:44,247 ♪ If the sky ♪ ♪ If the sky ♪ 489 00:20:44,248 --> 00:20:47,818 ♪ We look upon ♪ ♪ Mmm... ♪ 490 00:20:47,819 --> 00:20:50,704 ♪ Should tumble and fall ♪ ♪ Should tumble and fall ♪ 491 00:20:50,705 --> 00:20:55,208 ♪ or the mountains should crumble ♪ 492 00:20:55,209 --> 00:20:57,661 ♪ to the sea, to the sea... ♪ 493 00:20:57,662 --> 00:21:00,798 Wait. Dad! James! 494 00:21:00,799 --> 00:21:01,949 Where are you going? 495 00:21:01,950 --> 00:21:04,351 That's the best part. 496 00:21:05,352 --> 00:21:06,793 Can we go camping?