1 00:00:01,067 --> 00:00:04,628 So, this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo. 2 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:07,798 The bonobo chimps start giving us a standing "O." 3 00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:11,172 And just when I'm about to give her the same thing... what up... 4 00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:12,767 l-l... [Sighs] 5 00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:16,815 I can't. I just... I can't. 6 00:00:16,916 --> 00:00:19,146 Guys, I know you count the minutes... 7 00:00:19,252 --> 00:00:22,881 until you can escape from your humdrum lives by hearing how awesome mine is. 8 00:00:22,989 --> 00:00:24,650 And I love doing that for you. 9 00:00:25,558 --> 00:00:27,651 But I just can't tonight. 10 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:30,730 - What's wrong? - I don't wanna talk about it. 11 00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:33,025 Okay. Hey, you guys see Deadliest Catch last night? 12 00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:35,158 - Did I ever! - [Exclaiming] 13 00:00:35,268 --> 00:00:36,667 All right! I'll tell you. 14 00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:40,602 My mother is selling the house I grew up in. 15 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:44,040 All of my childhood memories gone... [Snaps Fingers] just like that. 16 00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:46,578 That sucks. I've been there, buddy. 17 00:00:46,679 --> 00:00:49,705 What are you talking about? Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in. 18 00:00:49,816 --> 00:00:52,114 With her new hippie husband Clint. 19 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:55,016 The comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room... 20 00:00:55,121 --> 00:00:58,181 into what I'm pretty sure is a tantric sex temple. 21 00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,691 With all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music... 22 00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:04,093 it's like my old G. I. Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback. 23 00:01:04,931 --> 00:01:06,990 Anyway, I need you guys... 24 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:10,263 to come out to Staten Island on Saturday and help box everything up. 25 00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:11,564 [Laughs] 26 00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:14,071 You expect us to spend a whole day... 27 00:01:14,174 --> 00:01:15,698 packing up your mom's house? 28 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:18,539 No, of course not. It's a two-day job. 29 00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:20,636 - Uh, pass. - Same. 30 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,612 Unsubscribe. 31 00:01:22,715 --> 00:01:24,740 [Laughing] 32 00:01:24,851 --> 00:01:26,751 You guys are adorable. 33 00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:30,118 You seriously believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? 34 00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:33,659 - I got the queen to give me a fist bump. - No one believes that story. 35 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:38,060 You may be able to talk the brain surgeons you pick up into doing whatever you want... 36 00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:40,223 but it's not gonna work on us. 37 00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:42,426 [Sighs] 38 00:01:42,535 --> 00:01:44,025 Mmm. 39 00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,298 [Knuckles Crack] 40 00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:47,930 [Clears Throat] 41 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,838 How did he do that? 42 00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:53,478 ##[Upbeat Pop] 43 00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:56,912 ##[Man Vocalizing] 44 00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:03,815 ##[Ends] 45 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:07,290 [Ted Narrating] So there we were, helping Barney pack up his childhood home. 46 00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:10,294 Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing's way too big to fit in that box. 47 00:02:10,396 --> 00:02:13,365 - Yeah, that's what your mom said. - How dare you! 48 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,434 No, she actually said that. 49 00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:18,800 Oh, dear. I thought I told you that's just not gonna fit in there. 50 00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:20,099 Oh. 51 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,333 Someone order something tall, dark and awesome? 52 00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:24,603 - Hey. - Bro! 53 00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,110 How you doin'? 54 00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:27,873 - Hey. - Oh, my goodness. 55 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,279 - Mama. - Look at my two sons. 56 00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:32,214 So big and strong and handsome. 57 00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:34,445 - Uh, Mom. - Stop. 58 00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:36,613 And how is my delicious little grandson? 59 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:39,191 - Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him? - Check it. 60 00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:41,419 - Huh? Oh! - Ah! 61 00:02:41,528 --> 00:02:43,359 How cute is that, right? 62 00:02:43,463 --> 00:02:45,158 When was the last time you saw... 63 00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:47,358 a diaper poking out of a Dolce & Gabbana suit? 64 00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,492 Tuesday, at work. 65 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:51,536 Some of the senior partners are really getting up there. 66 00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,740 So, Ted, yesterday at work... 67 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,310 I totally talked you up to that super-hot make-up girl Liz. 68 00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:00,072 Oh, yeah? What'd you say? 69 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,909 Oh, you know, how funny you are. 70 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,243 - Guilty. - Handsome. 71 00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:04,680 Who, me? 72 00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:05,876 Incredible lover. [Chuckles] 73 00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:07,976 - Really? - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 74 00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:09,315 I was all, like... 75 00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:12,084 he knows a woman's body better than she knows her own. 76 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,989 Endless waves of pleasure... 77 00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:17,585 just cresting and breaking for hours and hours, blah, blah, blah. 78 00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:21,030 Orgasms so intense you just black out. 79 00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:22,533 All that stuff. 80 00:03:22,635 --> 00:03:26,196 Robin, how can I possibly live up to that review? 81 00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:28,001 What? You know what you're doing down there. 82 00:03:28,107 --> 00:03:31,076 Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it. We know this. 83 00:03:32,178 --> 00:03:33,406 But that is not the point. 84 00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:36,846 You broke the first rule of setting people up... undersell. 85 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:39,145 It's like if someone's never seen The Karate Kid... 86 00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:41,152 you don't say, "It's the greatest movie ever." 87 00:03:41,254 --> 00:03:42,744 You say, "Uh, it's pretty good." 88 00:03:42,855 --> 00:03:45,119 And then they see it, and it blows their freakin' mind. 89 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,023 'Cause Cobra Kai Sensei's all, like, "Sweep the leg!" 90 00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:51,824 And Daniel-san's all, like, "Ahh-ahh-ahh." 91 00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:54,229 [Imitating Martial Arts Sound Effects] 92 00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,633 Maybe I did oversell you a bit. 93 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,904 [James] Thank you guys so much for helping us out with this stuff. 94 00:04:05,011 --> 00:04:08,447 Oh, it gives us a rare insight into the makings of Barney Stinson. 95 00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:10,641 - Hmm. - [Lily] Hey, look at this. 96 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,344 [Imitating Baby Talk] Who was a cute little basketball player... 97 00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:16,445 before he became the biggest pervert in the world? 98 00:04:16,556 --> 00:04:19,184 [Chuckling] I loved pee-wee basketball. 99 00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:21,920 Well, until they kicked me off the team. 100 00:04:22,028 --> 00:04:23,723 [Barney] I was so awesome... 101 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:27,493 the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids. 102 00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:31,569 [Crowd Cheering] 103 00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:33,805 That sounds plausible. 104 00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:35,373 Hey, it's true. 105 00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:36,874 Tell 'em, James. 106 00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:39,410 Oh, yeah. He had, like, a four-foot vertical leap. 107 00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:42,072 He would hit it from the outside, hit it from the inside. 108 00:04:42,181 --> 00:04:43,842 He sucked. 109 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:47,147 Coach cut him from the team, and Mom fed him that story so he'd feel better. 110 00:04:47,253 --> 00:04:48,777 Oh, my God. Look at this. 111 00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:51,789 My letter from the postmaster general. 112 00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:54,587 I still can't believe he took the time to write this. 113 00:04:54,694 --> 00:04:56,321 "Dear Barney"... 114 00:04:56,429 --> 00:05:00,229 "I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations... 115 00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:03,427 you sent out to your eighth birthday party. 116 00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:06,994 That's why none of your classmates showed up. 117 00:05:07,106 --> 00:05:11,475 Not because you threw up when they turned the lights off at the planetarium. 118 00:05:11,577 --> 00:05:14,546 Ah, no one even noticed that. 119 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:19,414 Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore... 120 00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:22,420 and, with gin on her breath at 10:00 in the morning... 121 00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:26,424 she's got some nerve kicking us out of the carpool. 122 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:29,689 Love, Postmaster General." 123 00:05:31,731 --> 00:05:32,959 [Laughing] 124 00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,590 Thank you! 125 00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,897 - Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot? - Constantly. 126 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:42,202 I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others. 127 00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:44,333 - Mom, who's my dad? - [TV: Applause] 128 00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:48,642 All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine? 129 00:05:48,748 --> 00:05:51,581 I don't know. That guy. 130 00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,811 Uh, you've all heard about... 131 00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,586 Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad too? 132 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:58,884 No, no, no. 133 00:05:58,991 --> 00:06:01,858 I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby... 134 00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:04,828 James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon. 135 00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:06,831 - [Laughing] - The list goes on. 136 00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:10,096 I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. 137 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:14,435 And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. 138 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,599 Not me. I caught on early. 139 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,006 Careful! 140 00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:20,341 Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my 10th... 141 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:22,673 Damn. 142 00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:28,751 Wow. Loretta really lied a lot to her kids. 143 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:30,550 Well, she's not alone. 144 00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,419 Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper... 145 00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:34,493 his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick"... 146 00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:37,085 and give him cough medicine until he passed out. 147 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:40,531 I'm pretty sure that's what stunted my growth. 148 00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:43,033 I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade, and then I just stopped. 149 00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:48,597 And then there's the most popular parental lie in history... Santa. 150 00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:50,300 Yeah, but that's a good lie. 151 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:53,174 Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down. 152 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:54,712 I always find that reassuring. 153 00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:56,441 - You will meet her, buddy. - Ya think so? 154 00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:57,880 Yeah. 155 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,650 [Lily] Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids. 156 00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,655 Baby, it's Santa. 157 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:08,094 Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope... 158 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,186 Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope... 159 00:07:09,295 --> 00:07:11,889 their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares... 160 00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:15,866 knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy... 161 00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:19,495 and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him? 162 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:22,938 Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota? 163 00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:25,476 Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 a. m... 164 00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:28,979 when he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies... a sugar crash. 165 00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:30,776 No, Santa needs protein. 166 00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,118 I'm not lying to our kids. 167 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:32,914 I'm not lying to our kids. 168 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:36,580 Ah, valentines... the second base of third grade. 169 00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:40,318 I always got a valentine from every single girl in my class. 170 00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:43,918 Funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting... 171 00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,828 as the postmaster general, Mom... 172 00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:50,994 and home run king "Frank" Aaron. 173 00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:53,662 Yeah, schoolgirls. 174 00:07:53,773 --> 00:07:56,139 The more they ignore you, pretend to hate your guts... 175 00:07:56,242 --> 00:07:58,142 Iock you in the coatroom over winter break... 176 00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:00,212 the more they secretly like you. 177 00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:04,816 This isn't... Who's Sam Gibbs? 178 00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:06,384 - No idea. Why? - Oh. 179 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,818 Mom addressed this and never sent it. 180 00:08:08,921 --> 00:08:10,445 What's in it? 181 00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:13,024 l... 182 00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:18,962 Hey, it's a picture of you and me when we were little kids. 183 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:24,397 On the back, Mom wrote "Your son." 184 00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:31,575 Okay, everyone, lunch is ready. 185 00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:33,167 Who wants sloppy joes? 186 00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:35,543 Mom, who's Sam Gibbs? 187 00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:36,945 [Shrieking Gasp] 188 00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:38,277 That doesn't sound familiar. 189 00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:40,181 Who wants sloppy joes? 190 00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:42,584 There's a picture of me and Barney in an envelope addressed to him. 191 00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:44,588 And you wrote "Your son" on the back. 192 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:48,148 Oh, no, that... It says "Yourson." 193 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,785 For Yourson, North Dakota. 194 00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:52,160 That's where we took the picture. Lovely town. 195 00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:56,964 We went kayaking, and you two rescued the mayor's dog, which had wandered into the rapids. 196 00:08:57,069 --> 00:09:01,733 Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures so the city could make statues of you both. 197 00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:04,207 I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing. 198 00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:07,677 Now, how about those sloppy joes? 199 00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:11,910 If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then why is our old swing set in the background? 200 00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:13,952 I don't know! 201 00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:16,821 I did my best as a single parent... 202 00:09:16,923 --> 00:09:18,481 and it wasn't always easy. 203 00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:20,957 And I'd recommend putting the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe. 204 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,857 Because it's delicious. That's why! 205 00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:27,531 Can you believe her? 206 00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:29,533 I know. 207 00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:31,535 Forgetting to send the photo. 208 00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:33,537 That poor sculptor had to work from memory. 209 00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:35,539 Those statues probably look nothing like us. 210 00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:38,303 Damn it, Mom! 211 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,776 - So, Ted. - Hmm? 212 00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:43,280 You were worried that I oversold you to Liz. Well, I fixed it. 213 00:09:43,382 --> 00:09:45,407 - How? - I sent her another e-mail. 214 00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:49,614 "Dear Liz, I hope it didn't sound like I was trying to oversell Ted. 215 00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:52,782 The truth is, he is a genuinely nice, down-to-earth guy... 216 00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:55,087 and I think you two would really hit it off." 217 00:09:55,194 --> 00:09:58,061 Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect. That totally takes the pressure off. 218 00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:00,257 "Is he gonna rock your world in bed? No. 219 00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:05,394 But he's clean, open to criticism and not into anything too weird. 220 00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:07,335 He's not bad at all. 221 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,637 - Not bad at all." - See, now you went too far in the other direction. 222 00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:13,473 "I'll be honest, the first few times aren't gonna be that great. 223 00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:17,071 He's gonna say 'A re you finished? ' more times than a waiter at a busy restaurant." 224 00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:18,514 Stop! 225 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,018 Listen to me. There is no Yourson, North Dakota. 226 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,645 - Mom... - And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor. 227 00:10:23,756 --> 00:10:25,656 He might be one of our fathers. 228 00:10:25,758 --> 00:10:27,919 He's not my dad. My dad's Bob Barker. 229 00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:32,088 Barney, you've gotta stop livin' in these fairy tales that Mom told us. 230 00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:34,496 Bob Barker is not your father. 231 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,465 Sam Gibbs might be. 232 00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:41,097 But Bob Barker is absolutely, unequivocally not your father! 233 00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:47,275 - I suppose you have a problem with the Easter Bunny too. - Not now. 234 00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:49,545 This address isn't too far. 235 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,446 Are you comin' with me or not? 236 00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:54,686 [Barney] So we're doing this? 237 00:10:54,787 --> 00:10:57,779 We're really gonna go disturb the peaceful Long Island retirement... 238 00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:01,917 of the former mayor of Yourson, North Dakota, on a Sunday afternoon. 239 00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:03,928 Real classy, James. Real classy. 240 00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:05,793 You're just too scared to face the truth. 241 00:11:05,898 --> 00:11:08,025 You are living in a dream world. 242 00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:14,939 Maybe we shouldn't have brought these sloppy joes. 243 00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:16,906 Hey, what's done is done. 244 00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:21,144 "Ted Mosby is solid as a rock." 245 00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:23,647 - Mmm. - No. Dependable. 246 00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:27,412 No. Rugged. No... 247 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,580 Why don't I just go to the Chevy Web site and copy down adjectives? 248 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,885 I just wanna hit that perfect middle ground. 249 00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:35,688 How about we just go wildly to both extremes... 250 00:11:35,795 --> 00:11:38,127 and just let them balance each other out? 251 00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:41,358 "Ted Mosby is really handsome, but extremely violent... 252 00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:44,925 and really rich, but lacks bladder control." 253 00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:47,005 [Beeps] 254 00:11:47,106 --> 00:11:48,733 - Oh, damn. - What? 255 00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:51,275 - That last bump just made me hit "send." - No, no. 256 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:54,039 Don't worry. I'm sure that everyone will get it's a joke. 257 00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:55,807 No, they won't. They're gonna think... 258 00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:57,439 Wait. "Everyone"? 259 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,780 [All Laughing] 260 00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:01,944 "Really rich"? 261 00:12:06,692 --> 00:12:08,592 - You ready for this? - For what? 262 00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:11,857 I don't know who lives here, but it's not my dad. [Chuckles] 263 00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:17,301 Wait, wait. 264 00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:19,897 Please stop. 265 00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:21,267 Just give me a second. Okay? 266 00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:24,137 - I thought you said that he wa... - Stop. Come on. 267 00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:28,942 I know Bob Barker's not really, you know... I'm not crazy. 268 00:12:29,048 --> 00:12:30,606 I just... 269 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,048 I needed that. 270 00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:37,955 I know it may sound stupid, but I didn't always feel so great about myself growing up... 271 00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:40,958 and so having a celebrity dad made me feel special. 272 00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:43,324 But you're right, James. 273 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:46,830 It's time to let go of the fantasies. 274 00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,591 It's time to grow up. 275 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,631 - Come here. - [Sniffles] 276 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,036 [Exhales] 277 00:13:00,146 --> 00:13:02,046 [Doorbell Rings] 278 00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:09,816 Can I help you? 279 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,955 Yeah, um... 280 00:13:13,058 --> 00:13:14,855 - You're Sam Gibbs? - Yes. 281 00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:18,560 I'm James Stinson. 282 00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:22,998 And, uh, I think you may have known my mother, Loretta Stinson... 283 00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:24,899 in the '70s. 284 00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:27,598 Loretta. [Chuckling] 285 00:13:27,706 --> 00:13:31,938 Yeah. Yeah, l-l-l-I knew Loretta. 286 00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:35,639 My mother meant to send you this. 287 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,015 You're my son. 288 00:13:51,964 --> 00:13:53,454 [Laughing] 289 00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:01,430 God, this must be so hard for Barney. 290 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,974 Yeah, but you know what? He took a big step today. 291 00:14:04,076 --> 00:14:05,907 Papa! 292 00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:09,709 [Laughing] 293 00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:10,975 Uh-oh. 294 00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:19,089 [Laughing] Look at us! 295 00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:22,058 It's like three of the same guy. 296 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,427 Oh, my God. 297 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,260 This explains why I was always so awesome at basketball. 298 00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,061 Guys, I'm black. 299 00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:32,134 Sorry. African-American. 300 00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:34,672 No. I'm allowed to say either. 301 00:14:34,773 --> 00:14:36,502 I gotta go get my camera! 302 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,339 That is my younger brother, Barney. 303 00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:44,246 He just thought he'd meet his real dad today, and clearly he's not taking it so well. 304 00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:46,250 Well, my head's kind of spinning too. 305 00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:49,753 I mean, Loretta and I only saw each other for a couple of months. 306 00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:52,255 You were two before I even knew you existed. 307 00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:57,853 And at that point, your mother made it very clear she was gonna raise you on her own. 308 00:14:57,963 --> 00:14:59,954 I felt I had to respect her wishes. 309 00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:02,431 But I always wanted to meet you. 310 00:15:02,534 --> 00:15:05,594 Wait, Barney and James are two years apart. 311 00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:10,403 If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months, he couldn't possibly be Barney's father. 312 00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:14,377 He's also quite the detective. 313 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:20,779 Don't worry. We'II, uh... We'll snap Barney out of this when he gets back. 314 00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:24,049 Or, uh, we could just let him have this one. 315 00:15:24,156 --> 00:15:27,250 - Are you kidding? - Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home. 316 00:15:27,359 --> 00:15:29,589 He finally admitted Bob Barker's not his dad. 317 00:15:29,695 --> 00:15:32,391 And then he watched James meet his real father. 318 00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:35,433 It's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. 319 00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:38,594 Can't we just let the guy be black for a day? 320 00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:40,672 Here, Ted! Capture the moment! 321 00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,341 I think you'd need Salvador Dali... 322 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,002 to capture this particular moment, but I'll give it a whirl. 323 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,340 Man, I thought I was a light-skinned Caucasian... 324 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:54,476 but in truth I'm a really light-skinned African-American. 325 00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:57,487 Man, try to hail a cab in Manhattan. 326 00:15:57,589 --> 00:15:59,216 Am I right? 327 00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:02,055 Nope. No one's stoppin' for this. 328 00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:05,854 These guys don't understand what I'm talkin' about. 329 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,364 [Ted Narrating] During that afternoon... 330 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:11,493 Sam and James began to discover how much they had in common. 331 00:16:11,603 --> 00:16:15,869 - ♪♪ [Piano] - ♪ When the night has come ♪ 332 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,135 Mmm. 333 00:16:17,242 --> 00:16:18,539 ♪ Oh, and the land is dark ♪ 334 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,202 Come on, you know this. Come on. 335 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:21,836 - ♪ And the moon ♪ - ♪ The moon ♪ 336 00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:23,881 ♪ Is the only ♪ 337 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,177 [Together] ♪ Light we'll see ♪ 338 00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:28,151 ♪ Light we'll see Light we'll see ♪ 339 00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:30,153 - ♪ Oh, I won't ♪ - ♪ No, I won't ♪ 340 00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:32,223 - # Be afraid # - Hey! Ho! 341 00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,554 ♪ Oh, I won't shed a tear ♪ 342 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,025 ♪ No, I won't shed no tear ♪ 343 00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:37,857 ♪ Not as long ♪ 344 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:39,897 [Together] ♪ As you stand ♪ 345 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,058 - ♪ Stand by me ♪ - ♪ Stand by me ♪ 346 00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:42,963 There you go. Come on. 347 00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:44,660 ♪ Whenever you're in trouble ♪ 348 00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:46,067 ♪ Won't ya stand ♪ 349 00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:49,436 - # Stand by me # - ## [Scatting] 350 00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:51,168 - ♪ Stand ♪ - ♪ Won't you stand by ♪ 351 00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:53,039 ♪ Won't you stand by ♪ Hey! 352 00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:54,806 ♪ Just stand ♪♪ 353 00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:57,174 - Weird day. - Weird day. 354 00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:59,546 [Cell Phone Chirping] 355 00:16:59,651 --> 00:17:02,711 Hey, look at that. Liz still wants to meet you. 356 00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:05,187 - That's great! - Mm-hmm. 357 00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:06,814 I guess. 358 00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:08,552 Wait a minute. 359 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:10,992 You said Liz was a total 10. 360 00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:14,224 Why would she wanna meet the incontinent freak show you described? 361 00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:18,263 - Um... - You oversold her. 362 00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:20,531 - Maybe a little. - You said she was a 10. 363 00:17:20,639 --> 00:17:22,834 I did not specify on what scale. 364 00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:24,533 You said she looked like a movie star. 365 00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:26,702 She does. It's Robert De Niro. 366 00:17:26,812 --> 00:17:29,178 But like super buff, like in Cape Fear. 367 00:17:30,449 --> 00:17:32,940 Dad, look how fast I can run. 368 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,715 He's actually a really sweet guy... 369 00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:37,721 and he's great with my son. 370 00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:39,188 I have a grandson? 371 00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:40,588 Uh... 372 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,928 - His name is Eli. - [Beeps] 373 00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,634 He's beautiful. 374 00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:52,136 Dad, you're not looking. 375 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,105 [Ted Narrating] Eventually the strangest afternoon of our lives... 376 00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:57,698 wound to a close... 377 00:17:57,810 --> 00:17:59,710 and we headed back to Staten Island... 378 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,212 where Barney and his mom had a long-overdue heart-to-heart. 379 00:18:02,314 --> 00:18:04,942 Barney, I need to talk to you. 380 00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:06,711 Uh, me first. 381 00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:09,287 Mom, there's something that I need to ask you... 382 00:18:09,388 --> 00:18:11,754 and l... I want you to be honest with me. 383 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,359 [Sighs] 384 00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:18,487 Why do white people like Carrot Top? 385 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,570 Listen. 386 00:18:27,539 --> 00:18:30,064 I always wanted to be enough for you boys. 387 00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,068 I think that's why it always hurt... 388 00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:35,578 whenever you asked about your dads... 389 00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:39,913 because I was always trying so hard to be both parents for you. 390 00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:41,576 But I was being selfish. 391 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:48,052 You deserve the truth, so here it is. 392 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,656 Sam is not your father. 393 00:18:52,664 --> 00:18:53,995 Are you sure? 394 00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:55,657 Yes. 395 00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,257 He's black, dear. 396 00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:03,835 But if you want, I can tell you who your father really is. 397 00:19:06,612 --> 00:19:09,604 [Ted Narrating] And at that moment, Barney suddenly saw his childhood... 398 00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:12,149 more clearly than he ever had before. 399 00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:18,147 I'm sorry, but your son can't be on the team. He's terrible. 400 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,218 What did Coach say, Ma? 401 00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:26,525 He said you're simply too good to be on the team. 402 00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:29,294 It's not fair to the other boys. But that's okay. 403 00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:31,699 We can just play together in the backyard. 404 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:35,033 Why didn't anyone come? 405 00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:37,040 Oh, you know what, dear? 406 00:19:37,142 --> 00:19:40,543 Apparently there was a mix-up with the mail. 407 00:19:40,646 --> 00:19:43,809 I just got this letter from the postmaster general. 408 00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,078 "Dear Barney... 409 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,882 I sincerely apologize for losing all the invitations... 410 00:19:49,988 --> 00:19:52,957 you sent out to your eighth birthday party." 411 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,136 - Barney. - It's okay, Mom. I don't need it. 412 00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:12,904 But it's your father. 413 00:20:13,745 --> 00:20:16,373 I already have a father. 414 00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:19,382 And his name... 415 00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:20,883 is Loretta. 416 00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:27,251 [Ted Narrating] Kids, your Uncle Barney grew up without a dad... 417 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,691 and it always made him feel incomplete. 418 00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:34,391 But as he hugged Loretta, surrounded by the boxed-up remnants of his happy childhood... 419 00:20:34,499 --> 00:20:37,957 he realized he had one hell of a mom. 420 00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:44,375 ♪ If the sky ♪ 421 00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:47,877 - ♪ We look upon ♪ - ♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm ♪ 422 00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,414 [Together] ♪ Should tumble and fall ♪ 423 00:20:50,515 --> 00:20:52,847 [Through Vocoder: Distorted, Reverberating] ♪ Or the mountains ♪ 424 00:20:52,951 --> 00:20:55,385 ♪ Should crumble ♪ 425 00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:58,183 ♪ To the sea To the sea ♪♪ 426 00:20:58,290 --> 00:21:01,259 [Distorted, Reverberating] Wait, Dad, James. 427 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,851 Where you goin'? That's the best part. 428 00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:07,329 Can we go camping? 429 00:21:33,859 --> 00:21:34,826 English - US - SDH