1
00:00:01,070 --> 00:00:04,300
the early bloom of romantics is a wonderful thing.

2
00:00:04,330 --> 00:00:07,900
you meet someone, you have a connection, and that person

3
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becomes sheer perfection in your eyes.

4
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you just can't find anything wrong with them.

5
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you can't wait to tell the world about it.

6
00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:16,300
she convinced you to go jogging?

7
00:00:16,370 --> 00:00:19,200
wow, you really want to get in this girl's pants.

8
00:00:19,270 --> 00:00:21,130
i'm telling you, you guys are gonna love her.

9
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lily, she knows all about art.

10
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marshall,

11
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she's open to the existence of ufos.

12
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barney,

13
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she's hot. robin,

14
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she's not hotter than you.

15
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:32,730
-like her already. -how not hotter?

16
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,000
so we all went out to dinner, and i couldn't wait

17
00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:37,770
to see if my friends were as crazy about cathy as i was.

18
00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:39,430
so, what's everyone getting?

19
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well, i can't decide.

20
00:00:41,630 --> 00:00:43,700
which sounds better, chicken or lasagna?

21
00:00:43,770 --> 00:00:46,830
lasagna. just get the lasagna!

22
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:49,530
oh. you guys just got a new place.

23
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,130
how many bedrooms is it?

24
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two. it's two bedrooms!

25
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,670
okay! let's hear it.

26
00:00:58,730 --> 00:00:59,970
what's wrong with cathy?

27
00:01:00,030 --> 00:01:02,770
are you kidding me, ted? she's got a...

28
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you n't notice it?

29
00:01:04,770 --> 00:01:05,470
notice what?

30
00:01:05,670 --> 00:01:07,130
oh, he doesn't see it.

31
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if we point it out, we're gonna ruin her for him.

32
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as his friends,

33
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we'll just keep him in the dark.

34
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you're right.

35
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she's great, man.

36
00:01:16,670 --> 00:01:18,230
she's a keeper. just...

37
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:19,000
keep her somewhere else.

38
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marshall, what is everyone's problem with cathy?

39
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oh, she's a total nightmare, ted,

40
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but can we talk about this later?

41
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i'm a minute away

42
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,670
from finding out if i'm gonna be a lawyer or not.

43
00:01:43,730 --> 00:01:45,070
you see, kids, during the summer,

44
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marshall had taken the new york bar exam.

45
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his years of school, his countless hours of study,

46
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had finally culminated in this grueling, two-day ordeal.

47
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and... begin.

48
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the pressure of it was enormous.

49
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every year, people taking the bar simply cracked.

50
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no! no!

51
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no!

52
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no!

53
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but marshall had made it through.

54
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and...

55
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time.

56
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time's up.

57
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right.

58
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time.

59
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-sir. -i know.

60
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-your time is... -i know it is.

61
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give me...!

62
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now, months later, the results of that exam were scheduled

63
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the post online at 10 o'clock

64
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and this is 9:59.

65
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damn, they're not up yet.

66
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oh, don't worry, baby. i'm sure you rocked it.

67
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i mean, how many people fail the bar?

68
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half.

69
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oh, my god, half?

70
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only half the people pass?

71
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i mean, half the people pass.

72
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that's fantastic.

73
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go, marshall.

74
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oh, hey, can i jump on there?

75
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i want to show you something awesome. what?

76
00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:59,230
no. bar results. my future.

77
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trust me. you need to see this.

78
00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:03,300
what is so important that i need to see it right now?

79
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it's a video of a dog pooping on a baby.

80
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how do i need to see that?

81
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,570
why would i want to see that?

82
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in what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain

83
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to something that disgusting enrich my life?

84
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it's a dog pooping on a baby.

85
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get away from my computer.

86
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okay, just do a quick google search for "caca spaniel."

87
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the results are in.

88
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whoo. what's it say?

89
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"input password."

90
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input the password.

91
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it's okay. they assigned it to me when i took the test.

92
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it's gotta be around here somewhere.

93
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here. here-here-here.

94
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jelly beans, fluffernutter, gummi bears, ginger snaps...

95
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this is a grocery list.

96
00:03:45,430 --> 00:03:47,230
for who? a witch building a house in the forest?

97
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sugar helps me study.

98
00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:53,130
this is like the shopping a ten-year-old does

99
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when his parents leave him alone for the weekend.

100
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what parent leaves a ten- year-old alone for the weekend?

101
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and your mom was perfect.

102
00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:02,270
i can't find my password! okay, just...

103
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,170
can't you let 'em know that you lost it

104
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and they'll e-mail it to you or something?

105
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no! they won't let me do that.

106
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i'm gonna have to wait till the results come in the regular mail.

107
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that could be weeks from now, if ever!

108
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our mail carrier hates me ever since i asked her

109
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when the baby was due.

110
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she wasn't pregnant?

111
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no, he was not.

112
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ooh. okey, well, that's a drag,

113
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but the results will come eventually.

114
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just try to keep it off your mind until then.

115
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hey, brad.

116
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oh, congratulations, man.

117
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i'm, uh... i'm not sure yet.

118
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i lost my password.

119
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that's great, cara.

120
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i don't know yet. i lost my password.

121
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i don't know how i lost it!

122
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this staff happens!

123
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oh. ohh! you're one to talk.

124
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you misplace stuff all the time.

125
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i'm sorry.

126
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i'm sure the nurses are stealing your medicine, grandma.

127
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love you too.

128
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if i have to wait six weeks to find out if i passed,

129
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i-'m gonna have a heart attack.

130
00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:05,630
based on that grocery list, i'd say diabetes is a bigger worry.

131
00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,230
you know what? laugh all you want.

132
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this affects my whole future, all right?

133
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okay.

134
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i probably shouldn't be telling you this.

135
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i definitely shouldn't be telling you this,

136
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but there is a way i can help you with your problem.

137
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how?

138
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i know a guy at work

139
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he can get access to software designed to penetrate firewalls

140
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and retrieve passwords through secure servers.

141
00:05:26,930 --> 00:05:28,870
i can get into any computer.

142
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so what do we do? like, arrange a secret meeting

143
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in a darkened parking structure?

144
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no.

145
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can we?

146
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no

147
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i have a trench coat.

148
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dude, be cool.

149
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so, i just got off the phone with cathy.

150
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god, you guys are so right.

151
00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:47,660
i totally hear it now.

152
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:49,700
see it now?

153
00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:51,630
smell it?

154
00:05:52,930 --> 00:05:53,930
what is it?!

155
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,330
i left the table for two minutes.

156
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:56,700
what could she have possibly done

157
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,660
in that time that was so horrible? was it...

158
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i'll be back in one second.

159
00:06:01,930 --> 00:06:05,160
one time, in the tenth grade, as a joke, i told everyone

160
00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:08,760
that my english teacher had sex with me.

161
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,860
he's still in jail.

162
00:06:12,730 --> 00:06:13,760
or maybe...

163
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i'll be back in a second.

164
00:06:17,130 --> 00:06:19,160
so i volunte at the pound.

165
00:06:19,230 --> 00:06:21,000
oh, isn't that nice?

166
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:23,860
yeah. you can't imagine the rush 

167
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,600
you getrush you get from killing a unwanted dog

168
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,530
i make bracelets from out of the collars.puppy

169
00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:31,660
or...

170
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||i'll be back in one second.

171
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i bet he's going to the urinal.

172
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yeah.

173
00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:41,700
i remember when i had a penis.

174
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it wasn't anything she did while you were in the bathroom.

175
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it's just the way she is.

176
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i don't get it.

177
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if it's so obvious and you guys all see it,

178
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how come i don't?

179
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cause we're not trying to have sex with her.

180
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mmm. brother,

181
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,000
you're driving the "i want to have sex with her" truck,

182
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and it's got a huge blind spot.

183
00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:02,000
that's ridiculous.

184
00:07:02,060 --> 00:07:03,760
is it really?

185
00:07:03,830 --> 00:07:05,900
ted, let me tell you a little story

186
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:09,130
about a young lady i wanted to have sex with-- lucilia.

187
00:07:10,460 --> 00:07:13,030
on a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro,

188
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,960
we made love for ten straight hours.

189
00:07:17,030 --> 00:07:18,260
when we were done,

190
00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:19,900
she applauded

191
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,900
and told me i was far, far better

192
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,930
than the best lover she could possibly imagine,

193
00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:30,530
and that i had restored her faith in god.

194
00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:33,400
what does this have to do with cathy?

195
00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:35,130
who's cathy?

196
00:07:36,230 --> 00:07:37,600
just tell me what the hell

197
00:07:37,660 --> 00:07:39,000
is wrong with her already.

198
00:07:39,060 --> 00:07:41,260
okay. you want to know?

199
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:42,260
yes.

200
00:07:42,330 --> 00:07:43,660
you want to shatter

201
00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,430
this beautiful illusion you've created for yourself?

202
00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:47,200
fine. here it is.

203
00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:52,430
cathy talks... a lot.

204
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,560
oh, come on.

205
00:07:55,630 --> 00:07:56,830
that's not true.

206
00:07:56,900 --> 00:08:00,300
ted. really, really think about that dinner

207
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:01,530
we all just had together.

208
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,000
and i did.

209
00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:04,930
so, what's everyone getting?

210
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,060
well, i can't decide.

211
00:08:07,130 --> 00:08:09,200
which sounds better, chicken or lasagna?

212
00:08:09,260 --> 00:08:10,260
i like chicken.

213
00:08:10,330 --> 00:08:11,660
i like lasagna. i like them both,

214
00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:12,830
but i really like pork

215
00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:13,930
a lot of people don't

216
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,130
eat pork, and maybe it's because

217
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,360
of that movie babe or something.

218
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:17,460
but that was funny.

219
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:18,500
he was a talking pig

220
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:19,600
and he was like "bah, ram, ewe!"

221
00:08:19,660 --> 00:08:20,730
what-what if

222
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,230
there was a sorority, "bah, ram, ewe?"

223
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:23,360
i'd totally rush it.

224
00:08:23,430 --> 00:08:26,300
...and so i named him dr. seuss!

225
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,960
lorax is a funny word.

226
00:08:28,030 --> 00:08:30,560
lasagna! just get the lasagna!

227
00:08:30,630 --> 00:08:33,330
oh, you guys just got a new place.

228
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:34,800
how many bedrooms is it?

229
00:08:34,860 --> 00:08:35,830
i would love

230
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,130
to have an extra bedroom,

231
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,430
because i would put a stairmaster in there.

232
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:40,230
i'll be back in one second.

233
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:41,600
or a futon. futons are great.

234
00:08:41,660 --> 00:08:42,700
or what about one of those

235
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:43,660
murphy beds?

236
00:08:43,730 --> 00:08:44,600
who invented the murphy bed?

237
00:08:44,660 --> 00:08:45,530
was it a guy named murphy?

238
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,000
oh, my god.

239
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,360
do you guys remember thatshow murphy brown?

240
00:08:48,430 --> 00:08:49,730
that was a funny show.

241
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,530
she had a new assistant every episode.

242
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,000
...and it was like half an hour

243
00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:55,130
before i realized he wasn't even on the phone anymore!

244
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,200
isn't that hysterical?

245
00:08:57,260 --> 00:08:59,130
two! it's two bedrooms!

246
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,330
hey, do you guys like cannolis?

247
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,230
because i know this place and it's in the south bronx

248
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:05,400
and you wouldn't expect it,

249
00:09:05,460 --> 00:09:07,400
but they have the best cannolis in town.

250
00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:11,060
and just like that, the illusion was shattered.

251
00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:15,730
she just never shuts up, does she?

252
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,230
she didn't stop

253
00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:18,900
to swallow her food.

254
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,030
i was scared for her.

255
00:09:20,130 --> 00:09:21,800
i didn't want her to choke.

256
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,300
at first

257
00:09:27,530 --> 00:09:30,030
so kids,the girl i was dating would not stop talking.

258
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,100
can you imagine how awful that is?

259
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,030
somebody got stay me here because the thing i am going out has so much.

260
00:09:37,030 --> 00:09:38,630
do you own a work?

261
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:41,030
cause that's really how...

262
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:43,700
don't you just love autumn?

263
00:09:43,770 --> 00:09:45,270
today i'm dressed for.

264
00:09:45,330 --> 00:09:47,870
oh, my god. the sweetest thing.

265
00:09:47,930 --> 00:09:50,600
and i know this great place where we can go.

266
00:09:50,670 --> 00:09:52,400
they have guys and girls clothes.

267
00:09:52,470 --> 00:09:54,070
we could both shop at the same time.

268
00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:56,070
and a lot of times boyfriends and girlfriends...

269
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:58,730
why are you running so fast?

270
00:09:59,730 --> 00:10:02,370
well, thank you, pal.

271
00:10:02,430 --> 00:10:04,100
you and your little friends,

272
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,400
you just had to tell me.

273
00:10:05,470 --> 00:10:07,670
you just to give in to my incessant begging.

274
00:10:07,730 --> 00:10:09,100
you said that you wanted to know.

275
00:10:09,170 --> 00:10:10,900
i didn't want to know!

276
00:10:10,970 --> 00:10:12,630
you said you wanted to know!

277
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,900
well, i didn't know i didn't want to know!

278
00:10:14,970 --> 00:10:16,930
you knew. and you know me.

279
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,500
and you should have known i didn't want to know!

280
00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:21,470
you know?

281
00:10:21,530 --> 00:10:23,270
i'm sorry we told you.

282
00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:25,470
i'm surprised she didn't tell you herself at some point.

283
00:10:25,530 --> 00:10:27,000
there's only a finite combination of words

284
00:10:27,070 --> 00:10:28,570
in the english language.

285
00:10:28,630 --> 00:10:30,870
well, you could have let me enjoy it a little longer.

286
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:31,770
she's got all these

287
00:10:31,830 --> 00:10:33,330
other great qualities.

288
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,200
she's smart. she's caring. she loves animals...

289
00:10:35,270 --> 00:10:37,030
you know how to teach her a lesson?

290
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:38,100
buy her a parrot.

291
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:42,330
oh, come on. i'm sorry that we told you, okay?

292
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,370
it's part of being in a relationship.

293
00:10:44,430 --> 00:10:46,770
eventually, you get used to these annoying little things

294
00:10:46,830 --> 00:10:48,030
that bug you at first.

295
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:49,830
yeah, i guess.

296
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:52,230
i mean, you got used to lily's loud chewing, right?

297
00:10:54,370 --> 00:10:56,030
lily doesn't chew loudly.

298
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,100
dude...

299
00:10:58,170 --> 00:11:00,270
come on. this isn't news.

300
00:11:00,370 --> 00:11:02,000
Why do you think I call her "Chewbacca"?

301
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,130
i assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts

302
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,470
and i resemble a young harrison ford.

303
00:11:07,530 --> 00:11:09,570
think about it.

304
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,530
oh, man, honestly, dude, that's the meanest thing

305
00:11:40,630 --> 00:11:41,700
you've ever done to me.

306
00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:43,570
i really thought you knew.

307
00:11:43,630 --> 00:11:46,230
we had ribs the other night. it sounded like jurassic park.

308
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:48,470
ha-ha-ha. you know what?

309
00:11:48,530 --> 00:11:49,900
it doesn't matter.

310
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:50,970
but it did.

311
00:12:11,530 --> 00:12:13,330
say, what's in that cereal

312
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,730
besides dry twigs and small animal bones?

313
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,600
what's that supposed to mean?

314
00:12:18,670 --> 00:12:21,700
lily, i love you, but honest to god,

315
00:12:21,770 --> 00:12:24,000
when you eat, it sounds like a garbage disposal

316
00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:25,170
full of drywall screws.

317
00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:27,800
what's the matter with you?

318
00:12:27,870 --> 00:12:30,070
we've been together ten years, and you're saying this now?

319
00:12:30,130 --> 00:12:34,000
well, i never noticed it before until...

320
00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:35,370
until what?

321
00:12:35,430 --> 00:12:36,830
can you believe ted?

322
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:39,870
what a lame thing to say, that i'm a loud chewer.

323
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,430
yeah, that's crazy.

324
00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:48,730
maybe enough with the pretzels.

325
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,930
oh, my god, do i really chew that loudly?

326
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,630
no, no, no.

327
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,430
okay, now that you pointed it out,

328
00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:01,400
maybe it does sound slightly like someone put

329
00:13:01,470 --> 00:13:03,830
a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener,

330
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:05,070
but in a cute way.

331
00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:07,970
this is all ted's fault.

332
00:13:08,030 --> 00:13:10,700
oh, like he's so perfect, mr. corrector.

333
00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:12,000
what do you mean?

334
00:13:12,070 --> 00:13:14,200
oh, come on. you dated the guy for a year

335
00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:16,770
and you never noticed that most of what ted says

336
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:17,970
is correcting you.

337
00:13:20,130 --> 00:13:21,270
hey, can you hand me a kleenex?

338
00:13:21,330 --> 00:13:24,400
actually, kleenex is a brand.

339
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,000
this is a facial tissue.

340
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,400
oh, my god, is frankenstein gonna kill that little girl?

341
00:13:30,470 --> 00:13:32,930
uh, dr. frankenstein isn't in this scene.

342
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,530
that's frankenstein's monster.

343
00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:40,800
that literally blew my mind.

344
00:13:40,870 --> 00:13:42,400
figuratively.

345
00:13:45,230 --> 00:13:47,100
oh, my god, you're right.

346
00:13:47,170 --> 00:13:49,400
that is so annoying.

347
00:13:49,470 --> 00:13:51,000
isn't it?

348
00:13:51,070 --> 00:13:54,130
where are those pretzels from, ace hardware?

349
00:14:01,370 --> 00:14:02,430
hey, man,

350
00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:03,800
you like kettle corn?

351
00:14:03,870 --> 00:14:04,770
i'm trying to get rid of anything crunchy.

352
00:14:04,830 --> 00:14:06,170
are the blinds closed?

353
00:14:06,230 --> 00:14:07,370
i don't know.

354
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:09,030
are the blinds closed?!

355
00:14:11,970 --> 00:14:13,470
good, i didn't think yes, the blindsi was followed,|

356
00:14:13,530 --> 00:14:14,730
but you can never be too sure.

357
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:15,800
now double-lock the door

358
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,400
and stay away from the windows.

359
00:14:17,470 --> 00:14:20,670
is there a reason that you're acting like this?

360
00:14:20,730 --> 00:14:23,030
we're about to find out if you're a lawyer.

361
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:25,470
now, in good conscience, i have to inform you

362
00:14:25,530 --> 00:14:26,630
that using his software

363
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,330
is in violation of the patriot act,

364
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,730
the strategic defense initiative,

365
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,670
and the national security act of 1948, which created to cia.

366
00:14:34,730 --> 00:14:37,370
so i hope you passed the bar because

367
00:14:37,430 --> 00:14:41,230
if we use this software, the night janitor gligor

368
00:14:41,230 --> 00:14:43,430
who i fooled into putting fingerprints on my computer,

369
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:46,000
is going to need a good lawyer.

370
00:14:46,070 --> 00:14:47,430
are you certain you want to go through with this?

371
00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:51,330
i have to know, yes, yes.

372
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,770
very good.

373
00:14:53,830 --> 00:14:56,370
first, we go to the new york state bar web site.

374
00:14:56,430 --> 00:14:59,630
we disable the firewall, then the recursive algorithm

375
00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:03,470
grabs your pasord, and as the application erases itself

376
00:15:03,530 --> 00:15:06,730
leaving no trace we we here ever...

377
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,430
you ready to see your future, bro?

378
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:10,770
yes.

379
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,700
it's a dog pooping on a baby.

380
00:15:21,770 --> 00:15:24,230
right! isn't that awesome?

381
00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:25,630
so you went through all this just to get me

382
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:26,800
to look at your stupid video?

383
00:15:26,870 --> 00:15:28,200
yeah, it was worth it.

384
00:15:28,270 --> 00:15:30,770
barney, barney, that was the biggest test of my life.

385
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,530
i'm incredibly stressed out right now, and i...

386
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,170
okay, that's pretty funny.

387
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,500
you got to see this.

388
00:15:39,570 --> 00:15:44,530
uh-huh, yeah, i have to...

389
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,500
she'll call back when she realizes i'm gone.

390
00:15:47,570 --> 00:15:49,500
probably in about 45 minutes.

391
00:15:52,730 --> 00:15:53,800
you guys want a drink?

392
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,370
i'll just have a water.

393
00:15:55,430 --> 00:15:57,200
mm, technically, water is a drink.

394
00:15:58,270 --> 00:15:59,630
really, professor?

395
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,370
you drink it? is that how water works?

396
00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:03,330
because i was just gonna smear it on my skin

397
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,600
and hope that i absorbed it.

398
00:16:05,870 --> 00:16:08,170
or you could, you know, pour it over your shirt.

399
00:16:08,230 --> 00:16:09,630
what's with you?

400
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,230
you're always correcting people.

401
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,700
-you totally do that! -that's absolutely right.

402
00:16:14,770 --> 00:16:16,500
right? i never noticed it before,

403
00:16:16,570 --> 00:16:18,300
and now it's literally driving me crazy.

404
00:16:18,370 --> 00:16:19,970
figuratively.

405
00:16:20,030 --> 00:16:22,030
okay, maybe so, but it's no worse

406
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,000
than you using the word "literally"

407
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,200
in every other sentence.

408
00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:28,770
don't they teach vocabulary in canada?

409
00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:32,100
they literally don't. they literally don't.

410
00:16:32,170 --> 00:16:33,330
shut up, marshall.

411
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:34,670
that's nothing compared

412
00:16:34,730 --> 00:16:36,670
to your thing of singing what you do all the time.

413
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:38,170
what?

414
00:16:38,370 --> 00:16:42,270
Paying my bills using return address labels 

415
00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:46,370
From a charity that I haven't given money to

416
00:16:48,570 --> 00:16:53,370
Writing a check  cause now I feel guilty

417
00:16:53,810 --> 00:16:56,910
The Salivation Army does not fight fair.

418
00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:03,400
Heading down to the basement today

419
00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:05,700
With my laundry  and a roll of quarters

420
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,000
But I'm back too soon

421
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,000
Cause I left  the detergent 

422
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:14,400
And the fabric softener

423
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:19,870
wow. those lines are so sloppy.

424
00:17:19,870 --> 00:17:20,830
oh, come on!

425
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:23,170
what about you, "barney"?

426
00:17:23,230 --> 00:17:25,900
okay, you...

427
00:17:26,770 --> 00:17:27,670
always...

428
00:17:27,730 --> 00:17:28,870
interesting, interesting,

429
00:17:28,930 --> 00:17:30,730
everyone has annoying habits but me.

430
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,430
oh, got it.

431
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:38,430
okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice.

432
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:43,870
and you're constantly using lame catchphrases.

433
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:47,100
and sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention

434
00:17:47,170 --> 00:17:48,470
to what we're talking about.

435
00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:52,300
i'm sorry. what?

436
00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:53,400
oh, see?

437
00:17:53,470 --> 00:17:54,830
you can't think of anything

438
00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:56,930
cause i am aewsome

439
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,570
all three right the.

440
00:17:58,630 --> 00:18:00,330
well, technically, "awesome" wouldn't be a catchphrase.

441
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,800
if anything, it's more of a catchword.

442
00:18:01,870 --> 00:18:04,370
i literally want to rip your head off.

443
00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:06,570
you mean "figuratively"!

444
00:18:06,630 --> 00:18:09,430
no, i literally mean "literally."

445
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,870
literally, literally literally.

446
00:18:12,930 --> 00:18:15,570
oh, my god, lily, what are you eating, gravel?

447
00:18:15,630 --> 00:18:16,900
oh, i know, right?

448
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,730
it sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner.

449
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,600
well, why don't you sing about it?

450
00:18:20,670 --> 00:18:23,300
because i don't sing about everything i do.

451
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:26,600
no, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense sentences

452
00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:27,730
like a stroke victim,

453
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,100
and what's worse,

454
00:18:29,170 --> 00:18:30,570
they're catchy.

455
00:18:30,670 --> 00:18:33,070
Apple,orchard,banana, cat dance,

456
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:37,130
see? we know that one because once you sang that

457
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:40,130
for, like, three hours. what the hell is that?

458
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,600
that's my password.

459
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:46,400
AOBCD8663
AOBCD8663.

460
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,130
-oh, marshall! -awesome!

461
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,800
there's another one.

462
00:18:54,870 --> 00:18:56,930
it's called "golden reliever," where this dog... yeah,

463
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,270
-we can guess. -all right, guys,

464
00:18:58,330 --> 00:18:59,970
guys, guys.

465
00:19:03,430 --> 00:19:05,370
i'm a lawyer.

466
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,270
it just like that

467
00:19:09,330 --> 00:19:11,870
we stopped fighting and celebrated marshall's success.

468
00:19:11,930 --> 00:19:14,130
you see, when someone's bad habits are pointed out to you,

469
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,770
it's hard to ignore them.

470
00:19:15,830 --> 00:19:18,270
i'm a lawyer now cause i passed the bar

471
00:19:18,330 --> 00:19:21,200
i'm imposing marshall law on this champagne.

472
00:19:22,570 --> 00:19:25,200
are you literally on cloud nine right now?

473
00:19:25,270 --> 00:19:27,070
baby, you never have to take the bar again.

474
00:19:28,570 --> 00:19:30,500
actually, if he practices law in another state,

475
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:31,800
he will have to,

476
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:33,130
but new york, man!

477
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:34,500
it's a great state to practice law in!

478
00:19:34,570 --> 00:19:36,170
lawsuit up!

479
00:19:36,230 --> 00:19:37,200
yeah! whoo!

480
00:19:37,270 --> 00:19:38,500
yeah! yeah!

481
00:19:38,570 --> 00:19:40,270
but if you love them enough,

482
00:19:40,770 --> 00:19:42,570
those bad habits are easy to forgive

483
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:48,200
3 years later i ran into cathy 

484
00:19:48,210 --> 00:19:49,500
and she was doing well.

485
00:19:49,570 --> 00:19:50,930
ted?!

486
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,600
oh, my god, i haven't seen you in so long!

487
00:19:53,670 --> 00:19:55,130
how long has it been? three years? no, four.

488
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:56,400
no, three, 'cause i went blonde and then i went back

489
00:19:56,470 --> 00:19:57,830
cause i was having too much fun.

490
00:19:57,900 --> 00:19:59,400
blondes have more fun.

491
00:19:59,470 --> 00:20:01,400
oh, my god, i'm being so rude.

492
00:20:01,470 --> 00:20:03,130
ted, this is my fiance

493
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,170
yes, i'm engaged.

494
00:20:04,230 --> 00:20:06,070
ted, this is daniel.

495
00:20:13,530 --> 00:20:15,000
you guys

496
00:20:15,070 --> 00:20:16,230
seem perfect for each other.

497
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,630
oh, my god.

498
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:18,970
i know, right? total, it was like love at first sight.

499
00:20:19,030 --> 00:20:20,470
hey, we should go out sometime.

500
00:20:20,530 --> 00:20:22,170
are you seeing anyone? because we could double-date.

501
00:20:22,230 --> 00:20:23,470
is that weird? no, it's not.

502
00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:24,900
we can go have brunch. i know this place.

503
00:20:24,970 --> 00:20:26,400
do you guys like popovers? because i love popovers.

504
00:20:26,470 --> 00:20:28,170
they're like croissants,

505
00:20:28,230 --> 00:20:29,930
but they're a little bit less flaky and they're kind of round.

506
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,030
hey, they have strawberry jam.