1 00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:04,400 Kids, the early bloom of a romance is a wonderful thing. 2 00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:06,800 You meet someone, you have a connection, 3 00:00:06,900 --> 00:00:09,600 and that person becomes sheer perfection in your eyes. 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,800 You just can't find anything wrong with them. 5 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:13,900 And you can't wait to tell the world about it. 6 00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:16,200 She convinced you to go jogging? 7 00:00:16,300 --> 00:00:18,900 Wow, you really want to get in this girl's pants. 8 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,700 I'm telling you, you guys are gonna love her. 9 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:22,600 Lily, she knows all about art. 10 00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:25,300 Marshall, she's open to the existence of UFOs. 11 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,700 Barney, she's hot. Robin, she's not hotter than you. 12 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,200 - Like her already. - How not hotter? 13 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,000 So we all went out to dinner, 14 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:37,500 and I couldn't wait to see if my friends were as crazy about Cathy as I was. 15 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,700 So, what's everyone getting? 16 00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:41,300 Well, I can't decide. 17 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,600 Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 18 00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:45,900 Lasagna. Just get the lasagna! 19 00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:49,500 Oh. You guys just got a new place. 20 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,000 How many bedrooms is it? 21 00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:52,600 Two. It's two bedrooms! 22 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,300 Okay! Let's hear it. 23 00:00:58,500 --> 00:00:59,800 What's wrong with Cathy? 24 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,300 Are you kidding me, Ted? 25 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:04,300 - She's got a... - Wait! You don't notice it? 26 00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:05,400 Notice what? 27 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:07,100 Oh, he doesn't see it. 28 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,800 If we point it out, we're gonna ruin her for him. 29 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,000 As his friends, we'll just keep him in the dark. 30 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,100 You're right. 31 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:14,700 She's great, man. 32 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:18,400 She's a keeper. Just... 33 00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:20,200 keep her somewhere else. 34 00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,200 Sync by vNaru 35 00:01:34,596 --> 00:01:37,296 Marshall, what is everyone's problem with Cathy? 36 00:01:37,296 --> 00:01:39,696 Oh, she's a total nightmare, Ted, but can we talk about this later? 37 00:01:39,796 --> 00:01:42,596 I'm a minute away from finding out if I'm gonna be a lawyer or not. 38 00:01:42,696 --> 00:01:44,296 You see, kids, during the summer, 39 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:46,196 Marshall had taken the New York Bar exam. 40 00:01:46,996 --> 00:01:49,396 His years of school, his countless hours of study, 41 00:01:49,396 --> 00:01:52,496 had finally culminated in this grueling, two-day ordeal. 42 00:01:52,496 --> 00:01:54,596 And... begin. 43 00:01:58,096 --> 00:01:59,696 The pressure of it was enormous. 44 00:01:59,796 --> 00:02:02,196 Every year, people taking the bar simply cracked. 45 00:02:11,596 --> 00:02:13,096 But Marshall had made it through. 46 00:02:13,296 --> 00:02:14,296 And... 47 00:02:14,696 --> 00:02:15,396 time. 48 00:02:23,396 --> 00:02:24,996 - Time's up. - Right. 49 00:02:25,296 --> 00:02:26,296 Time. 50 00:02:26,596 --> 00:02:27,596 - Sir. - I know. 51 00:02:27,696 --> 00:02:29,396 - Your time is... - I know it is. 52 00:02:29,396 --> 00:02:30,696 Give me...! 53 00:02:32,896 --> 00:02:35,096 Now, months later, the results of that exam 54 00:02:35,096 --> 00:02:37,596 were scheduled to post online at 10:00, 55 00:02:37,596 --> 00:02:39,196 and it was 9:59. 56 00:02:39,296 --> 00:02:40,996 Damn, they're not up yet. 57 00:02:41,096 --> 00:02:43,496 Oh, don't worry, baby. I'm sure you rocked it. 58 00:02:43,696 --> 00:02:45,496 I mean, how many people fail the bar? 59 00:02:45,496 --> 00:02:46,396 Half. 60 00:02:46,396 --> 00:02:49,496 Oh, my God, half? Only half the people pass? 61 00:02:49,596 --> 00:02:52,196 I mean, half the people pass. That's fantastic. 62 00:02:52,296 --> 00:02:53,496 Go, Marshall. 63 00:02:53,596 --> 00:02:55,796 Oh, hey, can I jump on there? I want to show you something awesome. 64 00:02:55,896 --> 00:02:58,496 What? No, no. Bar results. My future. 65 00:02:58,596 --> 00:03:00,396 Trust me. You need to see this. 66 00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:02,696 What is so important that I need to see it right now? 67 00:03:02,796 --> 00:03:05,696 It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby. 68 00:03:07,996 --> 00:03:10,196 How do I need to see that? 69 00:03:10,296 --> 00:03:12,396 Why would I want to see that? 70 00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:16,396 In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain 71 00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:18,996 to something that disgusting enrich my life? 72 00:03:19,796 --> 00:03:22,796 It's a dog pooping on a baby. 73 00:03:23,296 --> 00:03:24,596 Get away from my computer. 74 00:03:24,696 --> 00:03:26,396 Okay, just do a quick Google search for "caca spaniel." 75 00:03:28,496 --> 00:03:31,096 - The results are in. - Whoo. What's it say? 76 00:03:31,496 --> 00:03:32,796 "Input password." 77 00:03:32,996 --> 00:03:34,796 Input the password ! 78 00:03:34,796 --> 00:03:36,696 It's okay. They assigned it to me when I took the test. 79 00:03:36,896 --> 00:03:38,496 It's gotta be around here somewhere. 80 00:03:38,796 --> 00:03:40,196 Here. Here-here-here-here. 81 00:03:40,996 --> 00:03:43,596 Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snaps... 82 00:03:43,896 --> 00:03:44,996 This is a grocery list 83 00:03:45,096 --> 00:03:47,996 For who? A witch building a house in the forest? 84 00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:50,096 Sugar helps me study. 85 00:03:50,596 --> 00:03:52,596 This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does 86 00:03:52,696 --> 00:03:54,596 when his parents leave him alone for the weekend. 87 00:03:54,696 --> 00:03:57,496 What parent leaves a ten- year-old alone for the weekend? 88 00:03:58,096 --> 00:03:59,396 And your mom was perfect. 89 00:04:00,496 --> 00:04:02,096 I can't find my password! 90 00:04:02,096 --> 00:04:04,096 Okay, just... can't you let 'em know that you lost it 91 00:04:04,096 --> 00:04:05,396 and they'll e-mail it to you or something? 92 00:04:05,496 --> 00:04:08,096 No! They won't let me do that. I'm gonna have to wait till the results come 93 00:04:08,096 --> 00:04:10,996 in the regular mail. That could be weeks from now, if ever! 94 00:04:11,096 --> 00:04:12,696 Our mail carrier hates me 95 00:04:12,796 --> 00:04:14,396 ever since I asked her when the baby was due. 96 00:04:14,496 --> 00:04:17,596 - She wasn't pregnant? - No, he was not. 97 00:04:18,396 --> 00:04:20,796 Okay, well, that's a drag, but the results will come eventually. 98 00:04:20,896 --> 00:04:22,896 Just try to keep it off your mind until then. 99 00:04:25,696 --> 00:04:26,996 Hey, Brad. 100 00:04:27,296 --> 00:04:29,296 Oh, congratulations, man. 101 00:04:30,496 --> 00:04:32,796 I'm, uh... I'm not sure yet. I... 102 00:04:32,896 --> 00:04:34,396 lost my password. 103 00:04:34,496 --> 00:04:36,296 That's great, Cara. 104 00:04:36,896 --> 00:04:39,296 I don't know yet. I lost my password. 105 00:04:39,396 --> 00:04:41,596 I don't know how I lost it! 106 00:04:41,696 --> 00:04:43,196 This stuff happens! 107 00:04:45,396 --> 00:04:48,296 You're one to talk. You misplace stuff all the time. 108 00:04:49,796 --> 00:04:53,996 I'm sorry. I'm sure the nurses are stealing your medicine, Grandma. 109 00:04:55,196 --> 00:04:56,196 Love you, too. 110 00:04:57,596 --> 00:04:59,896 If I have to wait six weeks to find out if I passed, 111 00:04:59,896 --> 00:05:01,396 I'm gonna have a heart attack. 112 00:05:01,696 --> 00:05:04,596 Based on that grocery list, I'd say diabetes is a bigger worry. 113 00:05:05,196 --> 00:05:06,496 You know what? Laugh all you want. 114 00:05:06,596 --> 00:05:08,596 This affects my whole future, all right? 115 00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:12,096 Okay. I probably shouldn't be telling you this. 116 00:05:12,196 --> 00:05:14,096 I definitely shouldn't be telling you this, 117 00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:16,596 but there is a way I can help you with your problem. 118 00:05:17,096 --> 00:05:17,996 How? 119 00:05:18,996 --> 00:05:19,996 I know a guy at work. 120 00:05:20,296 --> 00:05:23,996 He can get access to software designed to penetrate firewalls 121 00:05:23,996 --> 00:05:26,296 and retrieve passwords through secure servers. 122 00:05:26,696 --> 00:05:28,396 I can get into any computer. 123 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:29,696 So what do we do? 124 00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:32,596 Like, arrange a secret meeting in a darkened parking structure? 125 00:05:33,796 --> 00:05:34,896 - No. - Can we? 126 00:05:35,296 --> 00:05:36,596 - No. - I have a trench coat. 127 00:05:36,696 --> 00:05:37,996 Dude, be cool. 128 00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:44,767 So, I just got off the phone with Cathy. 129 00:05:44,867 --> 00:05:48,067 God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. 130 00:05:49,067 --> 00:05:50,167 See it now? 131 00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:52,567 Smell it? 132 00:05:53,267 --> 00:05:54,167 What is it?! 133 00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,867 I left the table for two minutes. 134 00:05:55,867 --> 00:05:58,267 What could she have possibly done in that time that was so horrible? 135 00:05:58,367 --> 00:05:59,167 Was it... 136 00:05:59,367 --> 00:06:00,967 I'll be back in one second. 137 00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:05,267 One time, in the tenth grade, as a joke, 138 00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:09,167 I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. 139 00:06:10,667 --> 00:06:12,067 He's still in jail. 140 00:06:13,367 --> 00:06:14,067 Or maybe... 141 00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:16,167 I'll be back in a second. 142 00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:19,767 So I volunteer at the pound. 143 00:06:19,867 --> 00:06:22,367 - Oh, isn't that nice? - Yeah. 144 00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:26,167 You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. 145 00:06:27,467 --> 00:06:29,567 I make bracelets out of the collars. 146 00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:31,967 Or... 147 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:33,467 I'll be back in one second. 148 00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:37,667 I bet he's going to the urinal. 149 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,267 Yeah. I remember when I had a penis. 150 00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:46,467 It wasn't anything she did while you were in the bathroom. 151 00:06:46,467 --> 00:06:48,567 It's just the way she is. 152 00:06:48,767 --> 00:06:51,967 I don't get it. If it's so obvious and you guys all see it, 153 00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:53,067 how come I don't? 154 00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:54,867 'Cause we're not trying to have sex with her. 155 00:06:55,667 --> 00:06:58,367 Brother, you're driving the "I want to have sex with her" truck, 156 00:06:58,367 --> 00:07:00,367 and it's got a huge blind spot. 157 00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:03,767 - That's ridiculous. - Is it really? 158 00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:06,067 Ted, let me tell you a little story 159 00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:08,467 about a young lady I wanted to have sex with... 160 00:07:08,767 --> 00:07:09,667 Lucilia. 161 00:07:10,267 --> 00:07:13,467 On a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro, 162 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:16,567 we made love for ten straight hours. 163 00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:18,567 When we were done, 164 00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:19,967 she applauded 165 00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:23,367 and told me I was far, far better 166 00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:26,567 than the best lover she could possibly imagine, 167 00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:29,967 and that I had restored her faith in God. 168 00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,267 What does this have to do with Cathy? 169 00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:35,467 Who's Cathy? 170 00:07:36,567 --> 00:07:39,767 Just tell me what the hell is wrong with her already. 171 00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:42,467 - Okay. You want to know? - Yes. 172 00:07:42,567 --> 00:07:46,167 You want to shatter this beautiful illusion you've created for yourself? 173 00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:48,167 Fine. Here it is. 174 00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,867 Cathy talks... 175 00:07:51,567 --> 00:07:52,567 a lot. 176 00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,767 Oh, come on. That's not true. 177 00:07:56,867 --> 00:08:01,867 Ted. Really, really think about that dinner we all just had together. 178 00:08:02,267 --> 00:08:03,167 And I did. 179 00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:05,667 So, what's everyone getting? 180 00:08:05,967 --> 00:08:07,467 Well, I can't decide. 181 00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:09,767 Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 182 00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:12,167 I like chicken. I like lasagna. I like them both, 183 00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:14,867 but I really like pork. A lot of people don't eat pork, 184 00:08:14,867 --> 00:08:16,967 and maybe it's because of that movie Babe or something. 185 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:20,167 But that was funny. He was a talking pig and he was like "Bah, Ram, Ewe!" 186 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,467 What-what if there was a sorority, "Bah, Ram, Ewe?" 187 00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:26,067 I'd totally rush it. ...And so I named him Dr. Seuss! 188 00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:30,367 - Lorax is a funny word. - Lasagna! Just get the lasagna! 189 00:08:31,867 --> 00:08:33,867 Oh, you guys just got a new place. 190 00:08:33,967 --> 00:08:35,267 How many bedrooms is it? 191 00:08:35,467 --> 00:08:37,167 I would love to have an extra bedroom, 192 00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:38,567 because I would put a Stairmaster in there. 193 00:08:38,567 --> 00:08:40,567 But you guys should get a convertible sofa. 194 00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:43,667 Or a futon. Futons are great. Or what about one of those Murphy beds? 195 00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:46,067 Who invented the Murphy bed? Was it a guy named Murphy? 196 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,567 Oh, my God. Do you guys remember that show Murphy Brown? 197 00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:51,867 That was a funny show. She had a new assistant every episode. 198 00:08:51,867 --> 00:08:53,667 ...and it was like half an hour before I realized 199 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:57,067 he wasn't even on the phone anymore! Isn't that hysterical? 200 00:08:57,367 --> 00:08:59,367 Two! It's two bedrooms! 201 00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:02,567 Hey, do you guys like cannolis? 202 00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:04,367 Because I know this place and it's in the South Bronx 203 00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:07,367 and you wouldn't expect it, but they have the best cannolis in town. 204 00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:11,367 And just like that, the illusion was shattered. 205 00:09:12,667 --> 00:09:15,867 She just never shuts up, does she? 206 00:09:16,567 --> 00:09:19,167 She didn't stop to swallow her food. 207 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:21,667 I was scared for her. I didn't want her to choke. 208 00:09:22,367 --> 00:09:23,167 At first. 209 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:31,510 So kids, this girls I was dating would not stop talking. 210 00:09:31,710 --> 00:09:33,410 Can you imagine how awful that is? 211 00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:40,010 Do you own a wok? 212 00:09:40,110 --> 00:09:41,910 'Cause that's really how... 213 00:09:43,510 --> 00:09:45,110 Don't you just love autumn? 214 00:09:45,110 --> 00:09:49,210 Today I'm dressed for... Oh, my God. The sweetest thing. 215 00:09:49,610 --> 00:09:52,410 And I know this great place where we can go. 216 00:09:52,410 --> 00:09:55,510 They have guys and girls clothes. We could both shop at the same time. 217 00:09:55,510 --> 00:09:57,610 And a lot of times boyfriends and girlfriends... 218 00:09:57,910 --> 00:10:00,710 Hey! Why are you running so fast? 219 00:10:01,710 --> 00:10:05,410 Well, thank you, pal. You and your little friends, 220 00:10:05,410 --> 00:10:06,610 you just had to tell me. 221 00:10:06,710 --> 00:10:08,910 You just had to give in to my incessant begging. 222 00:10:09,010 --> 00:10:10,610 You said that you wanted to know. 223 00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:14,110 - I didn't want to know! - You said you wanted to know! 224 00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:17,310 Well, I didn't know I didn't want to know! You knew. 225 00:10:17,410 --> 00:10:21,210 And you know me. And you should have known I didn't want to know! 226 00:10:21,810 --> 00:10:22,910 You know? 227 00:10:23,510 --> 00:10:27,110 I'm sorry we told you. I'm surprised she didn't tell you herself at some point. 228 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,810 There's only a finite combination of words in the English language. 229 00:10:30,310 --> 00:10:32,610 Well, you could have let me enjoy it a little longer. 230 00:10:32,710 --> 00:10:35,110 She's got all these other great qualities. She's smart. 231 00:10:35,110 --> 00:10:36,810 She's caring. She loves animals... 232 00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:38,810 You know how to teach her a lesson? Buy her a parrot. 233 00:10:40,310 --> 00:10:44,010 Oh, come on. I'm sorry that we told you, okay? 234 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:46,010 It's part of being in a relationship. 235 00:10:46,010 --> 00:10:48,410 Eventually, you get used to these annoying little things 236 00:10:48,410 --> 00:10:50,110 that bug you at first. 237 00:10:50,310 --> 00:10:51,410 Yeah, I guess. 238 00:10:51,410 --> 00:10:53,910 I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right? 239 00:10:56,010 --> 00:10:57,910 Lily doesn't chew loudly. 240 00:10:58,110 --> 00:11:01,510 Dude... Come on. This isn't news. 241 00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:03,310 Why do you think I call her "Chewbacca"? 242 00:11:03,910 --> 00:11:06,510 I assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts 243 00:11:06,510 --> 00:11:08,210 and I resemble a young Harrison Ford. 244 00:11:10,210 --> 00:11:11,410 Think about it. 245 00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:41,110 Oh, man, honestly, dude, 246 00:11:41,210 --> 00:11:43,210 that's the meanest thing you've ever done to me. 247 00:11:43,310 --> 00:11:44,810 I really thought you knew. 248 00:11:44,810 --> 00:11:47,710 We had ribs the other night. It sounded like Jurassic Park. 249 00:11:48,310 --> 00:11:51,510 Ha-ha-ha. You know what? It doesn't matter. 250 00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:52,510 But it did. 251 00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:14,910 Say, what's in that cereal 252 00:12:15,010 --> 00:12:18,010 besides dry twigs and small animal bones? 253 00:12:18,910 --> 00:12:20,510 What's that supposed to mean? 254 00:12:20,810 --> 00:12:23,110 Lily, I love you, but honest to God, 255 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:26,910 when you eat, it sounds like a garbage disposal full of drywall screws. 256 00:12:27,610 --> 00:12:29,210 What's the matter with you? 257 00:12:29,310 --> 00:12:31,710 We've been together ten years, and you're saying this now? 258 00:12:31,810 --> 00:12:35,310 Well, I never noticed it before until... 259 00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:36,810 Until what? 260 00:12:36,910 --> 00:12:39,510 Can you believe Ted? What a lame thing to say, 261 00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:41,010 that I'm a loud chewer. 262 00:12:43,710 --> 00:12:45,810 Yeah, that's crazy. 263 00:12:48,510 --> 00:12:50,110 Maybe enough with the pretzels. 264 00:12:51,410 --> 00:12:53,710 Oh, my God, do I really chew that loudly? 265 00:12:53,810 --> 00:12:56,810 No, no, no. 266 00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,810 Okay, now that you pointed it out, 267 00:13:00,010 --> 00:13:05,010 maybe it does sound slightly like someone put a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener, 268 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,010 but in a cute way. 269 00:13:07,510 --> 00:13:10,810 This is all Ted's fault. Oh, like he's so perfect, 270 00:13:10,910 --> 00:13:12,210 Mr. Corrector. 271 00:13:12,610 --> 00:13:13,310 What do you mean? 272 00:13:13,510 --> 00:13:15,610 Oh, come on. You dated the guy for a year 273 00:13:15,710 --> 00:13:19,910 and you never noticed that most of what Ted says is correcting you. 274 00:13:21,610 --> 00:13:23,510 Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex? 275 00:13:23,610 --> 00:13:27,610 Actually, Kleenex is a brand. This is a facial tissue. 276 00:13:29,310 --> 00:13:32,110 Oh, my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl? 277 00:13:32,210 --> 00:13:34,510 Uh, Dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene. 278 00:13:34,710 --> 00:13:36,610 That's Frankenstein's monster. 279 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:42,210 That literally blew my mind. 280 00:13:42,210 --> 00:13:43,910 Figuratively. 281 00:13:46,810 --> 00:13:49,010 Oh, my God, you're right. 282 00:13:49,310 --> 00:13:51,710 - That is so annoying. - Isn't it? 283 00:13:53,210 --> 00:13:55,510 Where are those pretzels from, Ace Hardware? 284 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:06,210 Hey, man, you like kettle corn? I'm trying to get rid of anything crunchy. 285 00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:07,910 Are the blinds closed? 286 00:14:08,310 --> 00:14:10,410 - I don't know. - Are the blinds closed?! 287 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,310 Yes, the blinds are closed. 288 00:14:14,410 --> 00:14:16,310 Good, I didn't think I was followed, but you can never be too sure. 289 00:14:16,310 --> 00:14:18,410 Now double-lock the door and stay away from the windows. 290 00:14:19,610 --> 00:14:21,710 Is there a reason that you're acting like this? 291 00:14:21,810 --> 00:14:24,110 We're about to find out if you're a lawyer. 292 00:14:24,610 --> 00:14:28,110 Now, in good conscience, I have to inform you that using this software 293 00:14:28,110 --> 00:14:30,110 is in violation of the Patriot Act, 294 00:14:30,210 --> 00:14:31,910 the Strategic Defense Initiative, 295 00:14:31,910 --> 00:14:36,210 and the National Security Act of 1948, which created the CIA. 296 00:14:36,510 --> 00:14:39,010 So I hope you passed the bar because 297 00:14:39,010 --> 00:14:40,810 if we use this software, 298 00:14:40,910 --> 00:14:43,710 the night janitor Gligor who I fooled into putting 299 00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:45,910 fingerprints on my computer, is going to need a good lawyer. 300 00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:50,010 Are you certain you want to go through with this? 301 00:14:50,810 --> 00:14:53,210 I have to know, yes, yes. 302 00:14:53,910 --> 00:14:55,210 Very good. 303 00:14:55,510 --> 00:14:57,910 First, we go to the New York State Bar Web site. 304 00:14:58,210 --> 00:14:59,810 We disable the firewall, 305 00:14:59,910 --> 00:15:02,310 then the recursive algorithm grabs your password, 306 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:07,510 and as the application erases itself leaving no trace we were here ever... 307 00:15:08,510 --> 00:15:10,910 you ready to see your future, bro? 308 00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:12,010 Yes. 309 00:15:20,410 --> 00:15:23,310 It's a dog pooping on a baby. 310 00:15:23,410 --> 00:15:25,310 Right! Isn't that awesome? 311 00:15:25,410 --> 00:15:28,410 So you went through all this just to get me to look at your stupid video? 312 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:29,510 Yeah, it was worth it. 313 00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:32,010 Barney, Barney, that was the biggest test of my life. 314 00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:34,310 I'm incredibly stressed out right now, and I... 315 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,010 Okay, that's pretty funny. 316 00:15:40,010 --> 00:15:42,010 You got to see this. 317 00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:44,910 Yeah, I have to... 318 00:15:47,410 --> 00:15:49,310 She'll call back when she realizes I'm gone. 319 00:15:49,310 --> 00:15:51,010 Probably in about 45 minutes. 320 00:15:52,310 --> 00:15:53,910 - Hey. - Hi. 321 00:15:54,010 --> 00:15:56,610 - You guys want a drink? - I'll just have a water. 322 00:15:56,610 --> 00:15:58,810 Mm, technically, water is a drink. 323 00:15:59,210 --> 00:16:01,710 Really, Professor? You drink it? 324 00:16:01,810 --> 00:16:03,210 Is that how water works? 325 00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:06,110 Because I was just gonna smear it on my skin and hope that I absorbed it. 326 00:16:06,710 --> 00:16:09,010 Or you could, you know, pour it over your shirt. 327 00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:11,310 What's with you? 328 00:16:11,410 --> 00:16:13,110 You're always correcting people. 329 00:16:14,710 --> 00:16:16,310 - You totally do that! - That's absolutely right. 330 00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:19,710 Right? I never noticed it before, and now it's literally driving me crazy. 331 00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:20,810 Figuratively. 332 00:16:21,910 --> 00:16:24,910 Okay, maybe so, but it's no worse than you using the word "literally" 333 00:16:25,010 --> 00:16:26,610 in every other sentence. 334 00:16:27,710 --> 00:16:30,210 Don't they teach vocabulary in Canada? 335 00:16:30,210 --> 00:16:33,110 They literally don't. They literally don't. 336 00:16:33,210 --> 00:16:34,410 Shut up, Marshall. 337 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:38,210 That's nothing compared to your thing of singing what you do all the time. 338 00:16:38,210 --> 00:16:39,010 What? 339 00:16:39,410 --> 00:16:43,210 Paying my bills using return address labels 340 00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:47,810 From a charity that I haven't given money to 341 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:53,910 Writing a check 'cause now I feel guilty 342 00:16:53,910 --> 00:16:57,510 The Salivation Army does not fight fair. 343 00:17:01,210 --> 00:17:04,210 Heading down to the basement today 344 00:17:04,310 --> 00:17:08,010 With my laundry and a roll of quarters 345 00:17:11,510 --> 00:17:16,110 But I'm back too soon 'cause I left the detergent and the fabric softener 346 00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:22,610 - Those lines are so sloppy. - Oh, come on! 347 00:17:22,910 --> 00:17:24,710 What about you, "Barney"? 348 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,210 Okay, you... 349 00:17:27,810 --> 00:17:30,210 - always... - Interesting, interesting, 350 00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:32,610 everyone has annoying habits but me. 351 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,510 Oh, got it. 352 00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:38,910 Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice. 353 00:17:40,510 --> 00:17:43,910 And you're constantly using lame catchphrases. 354 00:17:45,210 --> 00:17:47,510 And sometimes you space out 355 00:17:47,610 --> 00:17:49,610 and don't even pay attention to what we're talking about. 356 00:17:52,110 --> 00:17:53,010 I'm sorry. What? 357 00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:56,210 Oh, see? You can't think of anything 358 00:17:56,210 --> 00:17:58,310 'Cause I'm awesome! 359 00:17:58,610 --> 00:17:59,710 All three right there. 360 00:17:59,810 --> 00:18:01,810 Well, technically, "awesome" wouldn't be a catchphrase. 361 00:18:01,910 --> 00:18:03,510 If anything, it's more of a catchword. 362 00:18:03,610 --> 00:18:05,910 I literally want to rip your head off. 363 00:18:06,010 --> 00:18:08,210 You mean "figuratively"! 364 00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:11,210 No, I literally mean "literally." 365 00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:13,910 Literally, literally, literally. 366 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:17,210 Oh, my God, Lily, what are you eating, gravel? 367 00:18:17,210 --> 00:18:20,310 Oh, I know, right? It sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner. 368 00:18:20,410 --> 00:18:22,010 Well, why don't you sing about it? 369 00:18:22,110 --> 00:18:24,810 Because I don't sing about everything I do. 370 00:18:24,810 --> 00:18:29,210 No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense sentences like a stroke victim, 371 00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:31,510 and what's worse, they're catchy. 372 00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:36,410 Apple, orchard, banana, cat dance, 8663 373 00:18:36,610 --> 00:18:40,210 See? We know that one because once you sang that for, like, 374 00:18:40,210 --> 00:18:41,810 three hours. What the hell is that? 375 00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,510 That's my password. 376 00:18:45,310 --> 00:18:48,410 AOBCD8663. 377 00:18:53,410 --> 00:18:55,710 - Oh, Marshall! - Awesome! 378 00:18:55,810 --> 00:18:57,810 There's another one. It's called "Golden Reliever," 379 00:18:57,810 --> 00:18:59,410 - where this dog... - Yeah, we can guess. 380 00:18:59,410 --> 00:19:02,010 All right, guys, guys, guys. 381 00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:07,110 I'm a lawyer. 382 00:19:09,910 --> 00:19:11,810 And just like that we stopped fighting and 383 00:19:11,910 --> 00:19:13,710 celebrated Marshall's success. 384 00:19:13,810 --> 00:19:16,210 You see, when someone's bad habits are pointed out to you, 385 00:19:16,210 --> 00:19:17,110 it's hard to ignore them. 386 00:19:17,310 --> 00:19:19,810 I'm a lawyer now 'cause I passed the bar 387 00:19:19,910 --> 00:19:22,410 I'm imposing Marshall law on this champagne. 388 00:19:23,410 --> 00:19:26,510 Oh my God, are you literally on cloud nine right now? 389 00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:29,010 Baby, you never have to take the bar again. 390 00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:33,110 Actually, if he practices law in another state, he will have to, 391 00:19:33,210 --> 00:19:36,210 but New York, man! It's a great state to practice law in! 392 00:19:36,210 --> 00:19:37,910 Lawsuit up! 393 00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:41,710 But if you love them enough, 394 00:19:41,810 --> 00:19:44,210 those bad habits are easy to forget. 395 00:19:46,610 --> 00:19:48,810 Three years later, I ran in to Cathy 396 00:19:48,910 --> 00:19:49,910 and she was doing well. 397 00:19:49,910 --> 00:19:52,610 Ted?! Oh, my God, 398 00:19:52,710 --> 00:19:54,510 I haven't seen you in so long! How long has it been? 399 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,510 Three years? No, four. No, three, 'cause I went blonde 400 00:19:56,510 --> 00:19:58,210 and then I went back 'cause I was having too much fun. 401 00:19:58,310 --> 00:20:00,110 It's true what they say: blondes have more fun. 402 00:20:00,110 --> 00:20:01,810 Oh, my God, I'm being so rude. 403 00:20:01,810 --> 00:20:04,710 Ted, this is my fiancé. Yes, I'm engaged. 404 00:20:04,810 --> 00:20:05,910 Ted, this is Daniel. 405 00:20:05,910 --> 00:20:07,910 Daniel... this is Ted. 406 00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:14,910 Great, great, nice to meet you. 407 00:20:15,110 --> 00:20:17,410 You guys seem perfect for each other. 408 00:20:17,510 --> 00:20:19,610 Oh, my God. I know, right? Totally, it was like love at first sight. 409 00:20:19,610 --> 00:20:21,610 Hey, we should go out sometime. Are you seeing anyone? 410 00:20:21,710 --> 00:20:23,710 Because we could double-date. That... ? No, it's not weird. 411 00:20:23,710 --> 00:20:25,610 We can go have brunch out the street. I know this place. 412 00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:26,910 Do you guys like popovers? 413 00:20:26,910 --> 00:20:27,810 - Because I love popovers. - She sur can talk a lot, huh? 414 00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:28,610 They're like croissants, 415 00:20:28,610 --> 00:20:30,310 but they're a little bit less flaky and they're kind of round. 416 00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:32,110 Hey, they have strawberry jam.