1
00:00:07,081 --> 00:00:08,715
Are you wearing cologne?
2
00:00:08,716 --> 00:00:11,617
I dabbed a little smell-good
behind my earlobes.
3
00:00:11,618 --> 00:00:12,719
It's nice.
4
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,305
Kind of a leathery mesquite
sort of deal.
5
00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:18,124
Like a barbecued baseball glove.
6
00:00:25,899 --> 00:00:27,517
What is that tune?
7
00:00:27,518 --> 00:00:29,902
You've been humming
it all morning.
8
00:00:29,903 --> 00:00:31,470
It's from
the marriage of Figaro
9
00:00:31,471 --> 00:00:34,273
By Mr. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
10
00:00:34,274 --> 00:00:35,692
Mozart, huh?
11
00:00:35,693 --> 00:00:37,410
Well, anything's better
than hearing you sing,
12
00:00:37,411 --> 00:00:39,579
"I'm too sexy for my shirt."
13
00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:42,198
I'm trying
to broaden my horizons,
14
00:00:42,199 --> 00:00:44,200
So Molly took me
to the symphony last night.
15
00:00:44,201 --> 00:00:46,169
Wait a second, you
went to the symphony?
16
00:00:46,170 --> 00:00:49,088
Yeah, it was lovely.
Very classy, very elegant.
17
00:00:49,089 --> 00:00:50,089
So you fell asleep.
18
00:00:50,090 --> 00:00:51,991
Almost immediately.
19
00:00:51,992 --> 00:00:54,177
I did fart myself awake
a couple of times,
20
00:00:54,178 --> 00:00:57,847
But for the most part,
out like a light.
21
00:00:57,848 --> 00:00:59,098
Look at you.
22
00:00:59,099 --> 00:01:00,600
Sleeping at
the symphony.
23
00:01:00,601 --> 00:01:02,802
Well, la-di-da.
24
00:01:02,803 --> 00:01:05,471
Afterwards, Molly and
I went out for a spot of tea.
25
00:01:05,472 --> 00:01:07,173
Hang on a second.
You're drinking tea now?
26
00:01:07,174 --> 00:01:09,275
Oolong.
27
00:01:09,276 --> 00:01:11,177
It's a antioxidant.
28
00:01:11,178 --> 00:01:12,178
And what's that?
29
00:01:12,179 --> 00:01:13,446
I assume it's something
30
00:01:13,447 --> 00:01:16,616
That is against oxidants.
31
00:01:16,617 --> 00:01:20,370
Also tastes
like a cup of hot ass.
32
00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:22,354
Wow. This woman
is giving you
33
00:01:22,355 --> 00:01:23,623
A complete makeover,
isn't she?
34
00:01:23,624 --> 00:01:25,024
What are you
talking about?
35
00:01:25,025 --> 00:01:27,076
Going to the symphony.
Drinking tea.
36
00:01:27,077 --> 00:01:28,911
Next thing you know,
you'll be carrying her purse
37
00:01:28,912 --> 00:01:31,881
And asking permission to visit
your balls on the weekend.
38
00:01:31,882 --> 00:01:34,333
Hang on a second,
are you saying I'm whipped?
39
00:01:34,334 --> 00:01:35,501
Because I am not whipped.
40
00:01:35,502 --> 00:01:37,470
I am still
very much my own man.
41
00:01:37,471 --> 00:01:39,472
Okay, now let me ask, if you
don't say that, does she hit ya?
42
00:01:39,473 --> 00:01:41,724
It's not like that, Carl.
43
00:01:41,725 --> 00:01:43,810
In fact, we're not even
seeing each other tonight.
44
00:01:43,811 --> 00:01:45,061
Good for you.
It's important
45
00:01:45,062 --> 00:01:46,679
That a man to
maintain his identity.
46
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:47,847
I agree.
47
00:01:47,848 --> 00:01:50,066
I told her I needed
this evening to myself.
48
00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:53,319
She understood, so she's gonna
meet us later for lunch.
49
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,655
That's why you're wearing
that cologne, isn't it?
50
00:01:55,656 --> 00:01:57,156
Maybe.
51
00:01:57,157 --> 00:01:58,408
Figures.
52
00:01:58,409 --> 00:02:01,577
God forbid you should smell nice
for me once in a while.
53
00:02:02,679 --> 00:02:07,533
♪ for the first time
in my life ♪
54
00:02:07,534 --> 00:02:10,737
♪ I see love. ♪
55
00:02:10,738 --> 00:02:16,659
-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/
56
00:02:20,942 --> 00:02:22,192
What's the
soup today?
57
00:02:22,193 --> 00:02:24,611
-It's pea soup.
-Ooh, I love pea soup.
58
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,814
Ah, ah, ah. You know that's
loaded with salt and fat.
59
00:02:26,815 --> 00:02:28,282
Come on. I've been
doing really good.
60
00:02:28,283 --> 00:02:30,034
Because I'm the one
that's been standing guard
61
00:02:30,035 --> 00:02:31,535
Over your pie hole.
62
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,954
For him pea soup
ain't nothing
63
00:02:33,955 --> 00:02:36,340
But a ham
delivery system.
64
00:02:36,341 --> 00:02:38,709
Fine. I'll have
the small dinner salad
65
00:02:38,710 --> 00:02:40,511
And two scoops
of cottage cheese.
66
00:02:40,512 --> 00:02:41,512
I'll have the same.
67
00:02:41,513 --> 00:02:43,246
And I'll have the pea soup.
68
00:02:44,516 --> 00:02:46,934
So, how long have you guys
been partners?
69
00:02:46,935 --> 00:02:48,519
About four years.
70
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:49,687
What are you talking about?
71
00:02:49,688 --> 00:02:51,205
We've been partners
for almost five years.
72
00:02:51,206 --> 00:02:52,589
It hasn't been that long.
73
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:53,724
Oh, yes it has.
74
00:02:53,725 --> 00:02:55,192
Five years
this November.
75
00:02:55,193 --> 00:02:57,578
Wow. That's longer than any
relationship I've ever had.
76
00:02:57,579 --> 00:02:59,797
Except maybe colonel sanders.
77
00:03:01,950 --> 00:03:03,367
It hasn't been easy,
trust me.
78
00:03:04,369 --> 00:03:06,870
Do you remember
the day in November?
79
00:03:06,871 --> 00:03:09,272
Well, I'd have
to check my diary.
80
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,109
He makes everything a joke.
81
00:03:12,110 --> 00:03:14,962
Thinks it hides his insecurity.
82
00:03:14,963 --> 00:03:16,246
It was the eighth.
83
00:03:16,247 --> 00:03:18,465
Our first day as partners
was November the eighth.
84
00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:20,718
There you go. Five years,
November the eighth.
85
00:03:20,719 --> 00:03:22,452
Well, congratulations,
you two.
86
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,071
What the anniversary on this?
87
00:03:24,072 --> 00:03:25,572
I think it's wood.
88
00:03:30,678 --> 00:03:33,764
Please,
don't give me wood, Carl.
89
00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:38,235
How can you not
remember that day?
90
00:03:38,236 --> 00:03:39,553
We had seven inches of snow.
91
00:03:39,554 --> 00:03:41,572
You slipped on the ice,
almost flattened a small dog.
92
00:03:41,573 --> 00:03:43,941
Fine, November the eighth.
93
00:03:43,942 --> 00:03:45,743
What do you want me to do?
Tattoo it on my forehead?
94
00:03:45,744 --> 00:03:47,444
Mm-mmm. Tattoo it
on your eating hand.
95
00:03:47,445 --> 00:03:48,996
That way you'll be sure
to remember it.
96
00:03:48,997 --> 00:03:51,949
Always got to play
the fat card, huh?
97
00:03:51,950 --> 00:03:53,984
I play the hand I'm dealt.
98
00:03:53,985 --> 00:03:56,653
Wow, you guys sound just
like an old married couple.
99
00:03:56,654 --> 00:03:57,988
What?
What are you talking about?
100
00:03:57,989 --> 00:03:59,923
You know, the way you do
the little back and forth
101
00:03:59,924 --> 00:04:01,425
Bickering thing that you do.
102
00:04:01,426 --> 00:04:03,177
Oh, that's not bickering.
That's just two guys
103
00:04:03,178 --> 00:04:04,394
Busting each other's stones.
104
00:04:04,395 --> 00:04:06,296
Male camaraderie,
like batman and robin.
105
00:04:06,297 --> 00:04:07,598
Right. I'm batman. He's robin.
106
00:04:07,599 --> 00:04:09,299
Who you calling robin?
I'm batman.
107
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:10,801
No, no.
108
00:04:10,802 --> 00:04:12,436
I have always been batman.
109
00:04:12,437 --> 00:04:14,438
I drive the car.
I'm batman.
110
00:04:14,439 --> 00:04:16,807
I let you drive the car,
because I'm the senior officer.
111
00:04:16,808 --> 00:04:18,809
That makes me batman.
112
00:04:18,810 --> 00:04:20,110
No, no, you let me drive the car
113
00:04:20,111 --> 00:04:21,478
So you can take
one of your little bat naps.
114
00:04:21,479 --> 00:04:23,197
See? You said it.
I'm batman.
115
00:04:23,198 --> 00:04:24,248
Don't twist
my words.
116
00:04:24,249 --> 00:04:26,283
I'm not twisting your words.
I'm just stating a fact.
117
00:04:26,284 --> 00:04:28,569
-This is about the soup, isn't it?
-I just wanted one bowl.
118
00:04:28,570 --> 00:04:30,537
You've never had one bowl
of anything in your life.
119
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:33,023
That was great, huh?
120
00:04:33,024 --> 00:04:35,042
Molly just gets
cuter everyday.
121
00:04:35,043 --> 00:04:37,461
You both do.
122
00:04:37,462 --> 00:04:39,663
You guys seem to really
have something special.
123
00:04:39,664 --> 00:04:40,831
You can see it, right?
124
00:04:40,832 --> 00:04:42,332
I mean, it's palpable.
125
00:04:42,333 --> 00:04:43,634
Palpable?
126
00:04:43,635 --> 00:04:46,637
You know. Obvious,
evident, tangible.
127
00:04:46,638 --> 00:04:48,839
Since when did you
become big word bob?
128
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:52,209
Molly gave me one
of those word-a-day calendars.
129
00:04:52,210 --> 00:04:54,895
It's fun.
Yesterday, I used "malicious."
130
00:04:54,896 --> 00:04:56,379
No, you were trying
to say "delicious"
131
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,397
but you had food
in your mouth.
132
00:04:57,398 --> 00:05:00,517
Still counts.
133
00:05:00,518 --> 00:05:03,020
Look, I'm happy
that you're learning new words
134
00:05:03,021 --> 00:05:05,105
And falling asleep
at fancy places,
135
00:05:05,106 --> 00:05:06,073
But I don't think
we should have lunch
136
00:05:06,074 --> 00:05:07,241
With your
girlfriend anymore.
137
00:05:07,242 --> 00:05:08,358
Why not?
138
00:05:08,359 --> 00:05:09,993
Because we are paid
to serve and protect
139
00:05:09,994 --> 00:05:12,329
-The good citizens of Chicago.
-So?
140
00:05:12,330 --> 00:05:14,581
So, even when we're
having lunch, we're on duty.
141
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:16,166
I mean, what if a couple
of cop-hating gang bangers
142
00:05:16,167 --> 00:05:17,868
Had walked by
and started shooting?
143
00:05:17,869 --> 00:05:19,620
Carl, the only time
we've ever been fired at
144
00:05:19,621 --> 00:05:22,039
Is when we get egged
on Halloween.
145
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,675
So? Do you want to see
your little school teacher
146
00:05:24,676 --> 00:05:27,044
To take a grade a double yolk
to the back of her head?
147
00:05:27,045 --> 00:05:28,345
No.
148
00:05:28,346 --> 00:05:29,546
'course you don't.
149
00:05:29,547 --> 00:05:31,932
That stings like a bitch.
150
00:05:31,933 --> 00:05:34,251
All right, I hear
what you're saying,
151
00:05:34,252 --> 00:05:35,969
But you sure it's not
152
00:05:35,970 --> 00:05:38,305
Because you're a little
jealous of me and Molly?
153
00:05:38,306 --> 00:05:41,108
What? I'm not even
gonna dignify that.
154
00:05:41,109 --> 00:05:42,359
Sorry.
155
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,194
I have been nothing
but supportive
156
00:05:44,195 --> 00:05:46,063
Of you and your
relationship with Molly.
157
00:05:46,064 --> 00:05:48,031
Again, sorry.
158
00:05:48,032 --> 00:05:49,432
You are forgiven.
159
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:51,985
By the way, the next time you
bring up being senior officer,
160
00:05:51,986 --> 00:05:53,787
I'm bringing up fitness reports.
161
00:05:53,788 --> 00:05:56,573
We'll see who's batman
and who's robin.
162
00:06:00,979 --> 00:06:02,462
Yeah, I had a
great day, too.
163
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:05,215
The highlight, of course,
being lunch with you.
164
00:06:05,216 --> 00:06:06,616
No, I mean it.
165
00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:07,618
One might say it was
166
00:06:07,619 --> 00:06:10,053
The pinnacle of my day.
167
00:06:11,673 --> 00:06:13,290
So what are you doing right now?
168
00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:14,791
Me?
169
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:16,176
Nothing. Carl came over.
170
00:06:16,177 --> 00:06:18,395
We're gonna watch the game.
171
00:06:20,565 --> 00:06:21,932
No, it's not the bears.
172
00:06:21,933 --> 00:06:24,518
If it was the bears, I wouldn't
be on the phone with you.
173
00:06:24,519 --> 00:06:26,303
Sit down.
What are you waiting for?
174
00:06:27,939 --> 00:06:29,656
No, I was
talking to Carl.
175
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,141
Molly says to tell you hello.
176
00:06:31,142 --> 00:06:33,860
Hi, Molly.
177
00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:36,914
Carl sends
his warmest salutations.
178
00:06:38,533 --> 00:06:40,417
Carl, you mind?
I'm on the phone.
179
00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,654
What are you doing?
180
00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:45,706
What are you doing?
181
00:06:45,707 --> 00:06:47,090
I came over
to watch a football game,
182
00:06:47,091 --> 00:06:48,425
Not watch you talk
on the phone.
183
00:06:48,426 --> 00:06:49,676
I should probably go.
184
00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:52,429
Robin's in a mood.
185
00:06:53,631 --> 00:06:54,965
What is your problem?
186
00:06:54,966 --> 00:06:56,466
I don't have a problem.
187
00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:57,968
Got you some hot wings.
188
00:06:57,969 --> 00:06:59,269
Thank you.
189
00:06:59,270 --> 00:07:01,104
You're welcome. I thought
you deserved a little reward
190
00:07:01,105 --> 00:07:04,191
After the strength you
showed with the pea soup.
191
00:07:05,443 --> 00:07:08,345
So, what's your
girlfriend up to tonight?
192
00:07:08,346 --> 00:07:09,813
I don't know.
193
00:07:09,814 --> 00:07:11,531
She's probably
just hanging out.
194
00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:13,700
Uh-huh. And she called
to ask you to come over?
195
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,953
No.
196
00:07:15,954 --> 00:07:17,738
I mean, the subject
did come up,
197
00:07:17,739 --> 00:07:20,907
But I, of course, told her that
you and I already had plans,
198
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:23,961
And what kind of friend would
I be if I blew those off?
199
00:07:23,962 --> 00:07:25,379
Oh, yeah, I think I heard that.
200
00:07:25,380 --> 00:07:29,049
That was the part when you said,
"nothing. It's just Carl."
201
00:07:29,050 --> 00:07:30,717
Why you being so sensitive?
202
00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:31,985
I'm not being sensitive.
203
00:07:31,986 --> 00:07:33,703
I just don't appreciate
being taken for granted.
204
00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:34,871
Sorry.
205
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:37,224
Forget about it. Let's
just watch the game.
206
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:49,102
Just go.
207
00:07:49,103 --> 00:07:51,405
I'll lock up.
Thanks, man.
208
00:07:53,157 --> 00:07:55,058
If I were a lesser man,
I'd do a weenie rub
209
00:07:55,059 --> 00:07:57,861
On all his juice glasses.
210
00:08:01,833 --> 00:08:04,418
Tell me what you're
thinking about right now.
211
00:08:04,419 --> 00:08:05,752
Honestly?
212
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:07,220
Yeah, whatever's
in your heart.
213
00:08:07,221 --> 00:08:09,589
I'm worried about Carl.
214
00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:13,093
You got your tongue
halfway down my throat,
215
00:08:13,094 --> 00:08:14,294
And you were
thinking about Carl?
216
00:08:14,295 --> 00:08:16,380
No, not in that way.
217
00:08:16,381 --> 00:08:18,382
Wow, you really know
how to kill a mood.
218
00:08:18,383 --> 00:08:20,534
Oh, I'm the mood killer?
219
00:08:20,535 --> 00:08:21,635
I just feel bad for him.
220
00:08:21,636 --> 00:08:23,053
Why?
221
00:08:23,054 --> 00:08:25,522
I don't know. He doesn't
have anybody in his life.
222
00:08:25,523 --> 00:08:27,691
Well, would it
make you feel better
223
00:08:27,692 --> 00:08:30,344
If you were kissing him
and thinking about me?
224
00:08:30,345 --> 00:08:33,363
Oh, I wish it
were that simple.
225
00:08:33,364 --> 00:08:35,982
All right, kids,
I'm hitting the hay.
226
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:39,236
Oh, you spending the
night, tons o' fun?
227
00:08:39,237 --> 00:08:42,272
No, ma'am.
228
00:08:42,273 --> 00:08:44,491
Well, I'm just asking
'cause I sleep in the buff,
229
00:08:44,492 --> 00:08:46,410
And I get up a lot to tinkle.
230
00:08:46,411 --> 00:08:48,495
Hate for you to bump
into me in the hallway
231
00:08:48,496 --> 00:08:51,665
And find yourself with a
difficult choice to make.
232
00:08:53,418 --> 00:08:55,385
Anyway, good night.
233
00:08:55,386 --> 00:08:57,003
Good night,
Mrs. Flynn.
234
00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:59,056
Night, mom.
235
00:08:59,057 --> 00:09:01,224
We buy her a bathrobe
every Christmas,
236
00:09:01,225 --> 00:09:03,009
But she never gets the hint.
237
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:06,796
The FedEx guy bought her three
before he quit.
238
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:12,135
Here's a thought.
239
00:09:12,136 --> 00:09:13,987
Maybe we could hook
Carl up with someone.
240
00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:17,140
And we're back to Carl.
241
00:09:17,141 --> 00:09:20,310
I'm sorry. He's my best friend.
I just want him to be happy.
242
00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:22,746
So then, if he has
a girlfriend...
243
00:09:22,747 --> 00:09:24,865
He drops me like a
handful of hot nickels.
244
00:09:24,866 --> 00:09:27,817
It's a win-win.
245
00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:30,087
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
246
00:09:30,088 --> 00:09:32,589
Cop in the house.
247
00:09:32,590 --> 00:09:35,459
I'll be right back.
I have to go flush something.
248
00:09:40,965 --> 00:09:44,834
Hey. How about if me, you
and one of your girlfriends
249
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:47,387
Go out for a drink, and I
could invite Carl to join us?
250
00:09:47,388 --> 00:09:49,856
Like a double date?
I don't know.
251
00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:53,193
All my teacher friends are
either married or gay or both.
252
00:09:53,194 --> 00:09:56,730
One of them just adopted
an adorable Chinese girl.
253
00:09:56,731 --> 00:09:58,865
How old's she?
254
00:10:00,568 --> 00:10:03,703
I don't know if
this is cake or cheese,
255
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,906
But it's really good.
256
00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:12,062
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
257
00:10:12,063 --> 00:10:14,164
No, I am not.
258
00:10:17,218 --> 00:10:18,401
All right...
259
00:10:18,402 --> 00:10:20,036
After brother Haywood
introduces me,
260
00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:22,372
You're gonna start
in real soft.
261
00:10:23,641 --> 00:10:24,975
Not too soft.
262
00:10:24,976 --> 00:10:28,378
The whole choir's gonna be
flapping them paper fans.
263
00:10:28,379 --> 00:10:29,813
I got it, grandma.
264
00:10:29,814 --> 00:10:32,849
I'll tell you
when you got it.
265
00:10:32,850 --> 00:10:36,102
Then I'm gonna step
to the podium...
266
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,104
Nod towards
the congregation,
267
00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:41,074
Give a little knowing
wink to brother Haywood,
268
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:44,027
Then blow the rafters
off that house of Jesus.
269
00:10:47,331 --> 00:10:48,665
♪ ooh, you know ♪
270
00:10:48,666 --> 00:10:50,784
♪ they tell me of a home ♪
271
00:10:50,785 --> 00:10:53,286
♪ far beyond the skies ♪
272
00:10:53,287 --> 00:10:55,705
♪ and they tell me of a land ♪
273
00:10:55,706 --> 00:10:57,757
♪ far away ♪
274
00:10:57,758 --> 00:11:00,377
♪ ooh, tell me of a home ♪
275
00:11:00,378 --> 00:11:02,745
♪ where no storm clouds rise ♪
276
00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:05,298
♪ you know, they tell me ♪
277
00:11:05,299 --> 00:11:08,635
♪ of an unclouded day ♪
278
00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:24,034
oh, thank you, god.
279
00:11:25,436 --> 00:11:27,904
Hey, you busy right now?
280
00:11:27,905 --> 00:11:28,905
Why? What's up?
281
00:11:28,906 --> 00:11:31,324
Hey, Michael!
Come on in, sweetness!
282
00:11:31,325 --> 00:11:35,145
Leaving your friend standing out
there like a Jehovah's witness!
283
00:11:36,681 --> 00:11:39,616
Wipe your feet...
we just vacuumed the rug.
284
00:11:39,617 --> 00:11:40,750
Oh, we did?
285
00:11:40,751 --> 00:11:42,502
The boy ain't touched
a vacuum cleaner
286
00:11:42,503 --> 00:11:43,920
Since he was 13 years old,
287
00:11:43,921 --> 00:11:47,057
And I ain't gonna tell you
what he was doing with it.
288
00:11:51,229 --> 00:11:53,813
Can I get you some iced tea,
maybe something harder?
289
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:55,732
If you don't drink
on Saturday night,
290
00:11:55,733 --> 00:11:59,236
You got nothing to talk to Jesus
about on Sunday morning.
291
00:11:59,237 --> 00:12:00,403
I'm fine, nana.
292
00:12:00,404 --> 00:12:02,656
I just came by
to ask Carl something.
293
00:12:02,657 --> 00:12:03,990
Whatcha want?
294
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:05,242
Listen to him.
295
00:12:05,243 --> 00:12:06,493
"whatcha want?"
296
00:12:06,494 --> 00:12:08,778
Trying to act
all gangsta and everything.
297
00:12:08,779 --> 00:12:12,249
Boy's about as gangsta
as a fig Newton!
298
00:12:14,418 --> 00:12:17,320
I'm on my way over to Molly's to take
her and her sister out for a drink,
299
00:12:17,321 --> 00:12:18,821
And I thought you might
want to join us.
300
00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:21,174
I don't know, it's
kind of last-minute.
301
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,992
Kind of last-minute?!
302
00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:26,379
This man is offering you
a chance at a real live women.
303
00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:28,632
You'd best be putting on
some clean drawers
304
00:12:28,633 --> 00:12:30,467
And praying she ain't picky.
305
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:33,353
I got this, grandma!
306
00:12:33,354 --> 00:12:35,272
I'm a grown man...
this is my life.
307
00:12:35,273 --> 00:12:37,507
Well, you better hurry up
and start living it,
308
00:12:37,508 --> 00:12:38,725
'cause the vacuum cleaner
309
00:12:38,726 --> 00:12:40,843
Ain't gonna give me
no great-grandbaby.
310
00:12:45,283 --> 00:12:47,651
Let me change my shirt!
311
00:12:53,923 --> 00:12:57,125
So, Victoria, exactly
what is it you do?
312
00:12:57,126 --> 00:12:59,895
What do you mean?
313
00:12:59,896 --> 00:13:03,315
He means, do you work
or have a job of any kind?
314
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,600
Oh, I see.
I thought you were talking
315
00:13:05,601 --> 00:13:09,321
About my will-do's
and won't-do's in the bedroom.
316
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,189
Wait, you actually
have won't-do's?
317
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,559
Thank you so much for this.
318
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:18,747
She's a cosmetologist.
319
00:13:18,748 --> 00:13:21,066
And just to clear up
any confusion,
320
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:24,286
That is not a Russian astronaut.
321
00:13:24,287 --> 00:13:28,206
Not that she couldn't be one
if she really applied herself.
322
00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:31,927
I work at several different
funeral homes around the city.
323
00:13:31,928 --> 00:13:33,512
Funeral homes.
Yeah.
324
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,881
You know, where
they store dead people.
325
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:39,201
I thought that
was the symphony.
326
00:13:43,539 --> 00:13:47,209
I didn't say a word,
and I had a wonderful time.
327
00:13:48,895 --> 00:13:52,364
So, what you're saying is, you apply
makeup to the recently deceased.
328
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,783
Tell him about the time
you got really baked
329
00:13:54,784 --> 00:13:58,436
And made that 80-year-old woman
look like the drummer in kiss.
330
00:13:58,437 --> 00:14:02,374
yeah. One time
I got really baked
331
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:06,411
And made this 80-year-old woman
look like the drummer in kiss.
332
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,715
What a great story!
333
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:15,387
Yeah, it's so much better
when she tells it.
334
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:17,806
You know, uh, Carl and I
have been partners
335
00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:19,591
Five years, come
November the eighth.
336
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,259
Has it been five years?
337
00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:24,763
Pretty impressive, huh?
338
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:28,099
Nice single guy,
same job for five years
339
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,468
That's not court-mandated.
340
00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:35,490
And not to embarrass him, but he's
actually saved my life a couple of times.
341
00:14:35,491 --> 00:14:37,492
Oh, now, don't be
bringing that up.
342
00:14:37,493 --> 00:14:40,662
These girls don't need to
know all about my heroics.
343
00:14:41,664 --> 00:14:44,416
You gonna tell
the story or not?
344
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:47,919
The first time was an armed
robbery at a liquor store.
345
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,288
The owner was on
the ground, out cold,
346
00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:52,123
And while I was
checking his vitals,
347
00:14:52,124 --> 00:14:55,043
The perp came busting out of
the storeroom, gun in hand.
348
00:14:55,044 --> 00:14:56,678
Oh, my god.
What did you do?
349
00:14:56,679 --> 00:14:57,996
I didn't have
time to think.
350
00:14:57,997 --> 00:15:00,331
But this guy came out
of nowhere like a ninja.
351
00:15:00,332 --> 00:15:02,333
Or batman.
352
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:05,136
Whatever. He knocked
the gun away,
353
00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:07,606
Cuffed the guy,
barely even broke a sweat.
354
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,808
What was the second time
he saved your life?
355
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:11,476
Last year's Oktoberfest.
356
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:14,229
They were selling
two-for-one bratwursts.
357
00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:16,581
Me and three guys
in lederhosen
358
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:20,118
Had to link arms and
give him the Heimlich.
359
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:24,022
Wow. You are a real hero,
officer Carl.
360
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:25,991
Oh, no.
361
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:28,026
Little bit.
362
00:15:30,029 --> 00:15:32,213
Michael Jordon
just walked by.
363
00:15:32,214 --> 00:15:33,865
Sweet lord, it is.
364
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,033
That's Jordan.
365
00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:36,468
I love Michael Jordan.
366
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,987
I don't know what it is
about bald, black men.
367
00:15:38,988 --> 00:15:41,539
They're just so sexy.
368
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,043
Thank you again.
369
00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:51,483
Michael Jordan's
a punk-ass bitch.
370
00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:59,524
Damn, they seemed to
really be hitting it off.
371
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:00,992
Yeah, tough break.
372
00:16:00,993 --> 00:16:02,994
Poor guy.
373
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:04,245
Hey, you think
there's any chance
374
00:16:04,246 --> 00:16:06,531
Your sister would get me
Jordan's autograph?
375
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:10,251
I think his hands are gonna
be kind of busy tonight.
376
00:16:11,420 --> 00:16:13,922
I'll be right there, Carl!
377
00:16:15,124 --> 00:16:16,508
I should probably get him home.
378
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:17,959
He's had kind of a tough night.
379
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,045
I love that you're such
a good friend to him.
380
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:21,880
He'd do the same for me.
381
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:25,350
Hey, after you drop him off,
why don't you circle back?
382
00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:27,218
I don't know, he's gonna
want to talk for a while,
383
00:16:27,219 --> 00:16:28,520
And it's probably
gonna be pretty late.
384
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,188
Oh, that's a
shame, 'cause...
385
00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:33,024
There was a pretty good chance
you were gonna get lucky tonight.
386
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:34,526
What's that?
387
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,561
Unless you think our
relationship's not ready
388
00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:38,279
To move to the next level.
389
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,615
Oh, no. It is.
Let me dump that crybaby off,
390
00:16:40,616 --> 00:16:41,616
I'll be right back.
391
00:16:41,617 --> 00:16:43,735
I'll leave the
door unlocked.
392
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:46,938
Doesn't matter...
I'd chew through it.
393
00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:49,741
You know, life is
unpredictable, Carl.
394
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:52,110
One minute you're having
drinks with a beautiful girl,
395
00:16:52,111 --> 00:16:54,445
And the next minute your
friend's driving you home,
396
00:16:54,446 --> 00:16:56,464
Pulling up in front
of your grandma's house,
397
00:16:56,465 --> 00:16:59,050
Slowing down enough for you
to safely exit the vehicle,
398
00:16:59,051 --> 00:17:00,919
And bidding you a
heartfelt good night.
399
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,204
Good night.
400
00:17:03,205 --> 00:17:05,073
What's wrong
with me, man?
401
00:17:05,074 --> 00:17:08,259
Aw, geez, you really want
to open that can of worms?
402
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:10,011
I mean, I'm a good-looking guy,
403
00:17:10,012 --> 00:17:11,563
I'm in top-top
physical condition...
404
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:13,565
You're a dreamboat...
but it was Michael Jordan.
405
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:16,117
Come on, I'd
run off with the guy.
406
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,570
Can I tell you
a little secret?
407
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:20,855
Then it's not a secret.
408
00:17:20,856 --> 00:17:23,758
I guess maybe I am a little
jealous of you and Molly.
409
00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:25,910
I understand.
Don't worry about it.
410
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:27,579
Vaya con dios.
411
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:30,248
I've seen the way you two
look at each other, and...
412
00:17:30,249 --> 00:17:32,867
I just wish I had something
like that in my life.
413
00:17:32,868 --> 00:17:34,869
You'll find that, Carl,
I know you will.
414
00:17:34,870 --> 00:17:37,138
Well, sleep tight.
415
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,707
You know, my dad left
when I was very young.
416
00:17:39,708 --> 00:17:41,743
As dads will do...
you learn, you grow.
417
00:17:41,744 --> 00:17:43,611
Good night, Carl.
418
00:17:43,612 --> 00:17:48,716
I mean, I don't know what
I'd do if I lost you as a friend.
419
00:17:48,717 --> 00:17:50,885
Is that what you're
worried about?
420
00:17:50,886 --> 00:17:54,773
You think me dating Molly's
gonna change our friendship?
421
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:57,025
That's never gonna happen.
422
00:17:57,026 --> 00:17:59,477
I appreciate you saying that.
423
00:17:59,478 --> 00:18:01,029
From the heart.
424
00:18:01,030 --> 00:18:04,415
Now, get out of the car...
I want to go have sex with Molly.
425
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,384
She gave you the green light?
426
00:18:06,385 --> 00:18:07,702
Yes, she did.
427
00:18:07,703 --> 00:18:09,988
And you still took
the time to talk to me?
428
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:10,989
That is so sweet.
429
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,707
Get out of the car!
430
00:18:13,542 --> 00:18:15,210
Right, right.
Get it done.
431
00:18:15,211 --> 00:18:16,861
You need a couple of condoms?
That crazy sister
432
00:18:16,862 --> 00:18:18,296
Slipped me some
when I shook her hand.
433
00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:19,998
Out. Out!
434
00:18:22,418 --> 00:18:24,169
I love you, man!
435
00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:26,171
Love you, too!
436
00:18:40,552 --> 00:18:41,719
Intruder!
437
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,888
oh! Oh!
438
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,614
Oh, god, Mike!
439
00:18:52,615 --> 00:18:54,699
Uh, I-I know
this is bad,
440
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,567
But... I'd like to point out
441
00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:59,404
I'm wearing the robe
you got me for Christmas.
442
00:19:07,659 --> 00:19:09,776
Oh, Mike, I'm so sorry.
443
00:19:09,777 --> 00:19:11,061
Me, too.
444
00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:13,563
I thought the most painful thing
I was gonna have to do
445
00:19:13,564 --> 00:19:16,166
To get laid was
sit through that symphony.
446
00:19:16,167 --> 00:19:18,568
You're gonna be fine.
447
00:19:18,569 --> 00:19:22,122
You just need to get
your skull x-ray'd.
448
00:19:22,123 --> 00:19:24,675
Okay. Can you talk to your mom?
449
00:19:24,676 --> 00:19:26,693
I don't mind
the occasional fat joke,
450
00:19:26,694 --> 00:19:30,931
But I take exception
to having my skull caved in.
451
00:19:32,383 --> 00:19:35,052
What'd I miss?
452
00:19:35,053 --> 00:19:41,053
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