1
00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:06,287
[MlKE SCATTlNG]

2
00:00:09,059 --> 00:00:10,583
Are you wearing cologne?

3
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,656
Yeah, I dabbed a little smell-good
behind my earlobes.

4
00:00:13,830 --> 00:00:17,061
Hmm. It's nice. Kind of a leathery,
mesquite sort of deal.

5
00:00:17,233 --> 00:00:19,963
Like a barbecued baseball glove.

6
00:00:20,136 --> 00:00:22,536
[MlKE HUMMlNG]

7
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,041
What is that tune?

8
00:00:30,213 --> 00:00:31,840
You've been humming it all morning.

9
00:00:32,015 --> 00:00:36,315
It's from The Marriage of Figaro
by Mr. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

10
00:00:36,486 --> 00:00:37,612
Mozart, huh?

11
00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:41,450
Well, anything's better than hearing
you sing "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt."

12
00:00:42,392 --> 00:00:46,590
I'm trying to broaden my horizons, so
Molly took me to the symphony last night.

13
00:00:46,763 --> 00:00:49,391
-Wait, you went to the symphony?
-Yeah, it was lovely.

14
00:00:49,566 --> 00:00:50,965
Very classy, very elegant.

15
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:53,694
-So you fell asleep?
-Almost immediately.

16
00:00:53,870 --> 00:00:56,464
I did fart myself awake
a couple of times...

17
00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:59,699
... but for the most part, out like a light.

18
00:01:00,076 --> 00:01:02,567
Look at you. Sleeping at the symphony.

19
00:01:02,746 --> 00:01:04,714
Well, la-di-da.

20
00:01:04,881 --> 00:01:07,372
Afterwards, Molly and I went out
for a spot of tea.

21
00:01:07,550 --> 00:01:11,247
-Hang on a second, you drinking tea now?
-Oolong.

22
00:01:11,521 --> 00:01:14,012
-It's a antioxidant.
-What's that?

23
00:01:14,190 --> 00:01:17,990
I assume it's something
that is against oxidants.

24
00:01:19,129 --> 00:01:22,121
It also tastes like a cup of hot ass.

25
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:25,491
Wow, this woman is giving you
a complete makeover, isn't she?

26
00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:29,035
-What are you talking about?
-Going to the symphony, drinking tea.

27
00:01:29,205 --> 00:01:30,934
Next, you'll be carrying her purse...

28
00:01:31,107 --> 00:01:34,201
...and asking permission
to visit your balls on the weekend.

29
00:01:34,377 --> 00:01:36,242
Hang on, are you saying I'm whipped?

30
00:01:36,412 --> 00:01:39,381
Because I am not whipped.
I am still very much my own man.

31
00:01:39,549 --> 00:01:42,245
Okay, let me ask,
if you don't say that, does she hit you?

32
00:01:42,418 --> 00:01:45,751
It's not like that, Carl. In fact,
we're not seeing each other tonight.

33
00:01:45,922 --> 00:01:48,823
Good for you. It's important
that a man maintain his identity.

34
00:01:48,992 --> 00:01:52,689
I agree. I told her I needed this evening
to myself, she understood...

35
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,262
...so she's gonna meet us later for lunch.

36
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,167
That's why you're wearing that cologne?

37
00:01:58,334 --> 00:02:00,302
-Maybe.
-Figures.

38
00:02:00,470 --> 00:02:03,303
God forbid you should smell nice
for me once in a while.

39
00:02:21,925 --> 00:02:24,120
-What's the soup today?
-It's pea soup.

40
00:02:24,294 --> 00:02:26,159
-Oh, I love pea soup.
-Ah, ah, ah!

41
00:02:26,329 --> 00:02:29,298
-You know that's loaded with salt and fat.
-I've been doing good.

42
00:02:29,465 --> 00:02:32,298
Because I'm the one standing guard
over your piehole.

43
00:02:33,770 --> 00:02:37,331
For him, pea soup ain't nothing
but a ham delivery system.

44
00:02:38,107 --> 00:02:41,770
Fine. I'll have the small dinner salad
and two scoops of cottage cheese.

45
00:02:41,945 --> 00:02:44,345
-I'll have the same.
-And I'll have the pea soup.

46
00:02:46,683 --> 00:02:49,811
-How long have you guys been partners?
-About four years.

47
00:02:49,986 --> 00:02:52,477
What? We've been partners
for almost five years.

48
00:02:52,655 --> 00:02:54,748
-lt hasn't been that long.
-Oh, yes, it has.

49
00:02:54,924 --> 00:02:56,152
Five years this November.

50
00:02:56,326 --> 00:02:58,851
Wow, that's longer than any relationship
I've ever had.

51
00:02:59,028 --> 00:03:01,792
Except maybe Colonel Sanders.

52
00:03:03,399 --> 00:03:05,663
It hasn't been easy, trust me.

53
00:03:06,402 --> 00:03:08,199
Do you remember the day in November?

54
00:03:08,371 --> 00:03:10,362
Well, I'd have to check my diary.

55
00:03:12,342 --> 00:03:15,937
He makes everything a joke.
Thinks it hides his insecurity.

56
00:03:16,479 --> 00:03:17,503
It was the eighth.

57
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,807
Our first day as partners
was November the 8th.

58
00:03:19,983 --> 00:03:22,008
There you go. Five years,
November the 8th.

59
00:03:22,185 --> 00:03:24,085
Well, congratulations, you two.

60
00:03:24,254 --> 00:03:26,586
What's the anniversary on this?
I think it's wood.

61
00:03:31,995 --> 00:03:34,862
Please, don't give me wood, Carl.

62
00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:39,500
How can you not remember that?

63
00:03:39,669 --> 00:03:43,799
We had seven inches of snow, you slipped
on the ice, almost flattened a small dog.

64
00:03:44,007 --> 00:03:47,067
Fine. November 8th. Do you want
me to tattoo it on my forehead?

65
00:03:47,243 --> 00:03:51,179
Mm-mm. Tattoo it on your eating hand,
that way you'll be sure to remember it.

66
00:03:51,347 --> 00:03:53,212
Always gotta play the fat card, huh?

67
00:03:53,383 --> 00:03:55,283
I play the hand I'm dealt.

68
00:03:56,085 --> 00:03:59,282
-You sound like an old married couple.
-What are you talking about?

69
00:03:59,455 --> 00:04:02,754
You know, the way you do
the little back-and-forth bickering thing.

70
00:04:02,926 --> 00:04:05,724
That's not bickering.
That's busting each other's stones.

71
00:04:05,895 --> 00:04:08,921
-Male camaraderie like Batman and Robin.
-I'm Batman, he's Robin.

72
00:04:09,098 --> 00:04:11,157
Who you calling Robin? I'm Batman.

73
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,734
No, no, no. I have always been Batman.

74
00:04:13,903 --> 00:04:15,700
I drive the car. I'm Batman.

75
00:04:15,872 --> 00:04:18,500
I let you drive the car
because I'm the senior officer...

76
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,040
...that makes me Batman.

77
00:04:20,209 --> 00:04:22,803
No, you let me drive
so you can take your bat naps.

78
00:04:22,979 --> 00:04:24,640
See? You said it, I'm Batman.

79
00:04:24,814 --> 00:04:27,442
-Don't twist my words.
-I'm not. I'm just stating a fact.

80
00:04:27,617 --> 00:04:29,676
-This is about the soup?
-I wanted one bowl.

81
00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:32,082
You've never had one bowl in your life.

82
00:04:32,255 --> 00:04:34,280
That was great, huh?

83
00:04:34,457 --> 00:04:36,448
Molly just gets cuter every day.

84
00:04:36,626 --> 00:04:38,491
You both do.

85
00:04:39,028 --> 00:04:40,893
You guys really have something special.

86
00:04:41,064 --> 00:04:43,589
You can see it, right?
I mean, it's palpable.

87
00:04:43,766 --> 00:04:44,960
Palpable?

88
00:04:45,134 --> 00:04:47,967
You know. Obvious, evident, tangible.

89
00:04:48,137 --> 00:04:50,162
Since when did you become
Big-Word Bob?

90
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,731
Molly gave me one
of those word-a-day calendars.

91
00:04:53,910 --> 00:04:57,710
-It's fun. Yesterday, I used "malicious."
-No. You were trying to say "delicious"...

92
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:01,475
-...but you had food in your mouth.
-Still counts.

93
00:05:02,251 --> 00:05:05,687
I'm happy you're learning new words
and falling asleep at fancy places...

94
00:05:05,855 --> 00:05:08,517
...but I don't think we should have lunch
with your girlfriend.

95
00:05:08,691 --> 00:05:10,852
-Why not?
-Because we are paid to serve...

96
00:05:11,027 --> 00:05:13,655
-...and protect the citizens of Chicago.
-So?

97
00:05:13,830 --> 00:05:15,627
When we're having lunch,
we're on duty.

98
00:05:15,798 --> 00:05:19,165
I mean, what if a couple of gangbangers
walked by and started shooting?

99
00:05:19,335 --> 00:05:23,362
Carl, the only time we've ever been fired
at is when we get egged on Halloween.

100
00:05:24,273 --> 00:05:28,300
So do you want your little school teacher to
take the Grade A double yolk to her head?

101
00:05:29,479 --> 00:05:30,810
-No.
-Of course you don't.

102
00:05:30,980 --> 00:05:33,210
That stings like a bitch.

103
00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:35,740
I hear what you're saying...

104
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:39,649
...but are you sure it's not because
you're a little jealous of me and Molly?

105
00:05:39,822 --> 00:05:44,054
-What? I'm not even gonna dignify that.
-Sorry.

106
00:05:44,227 --> 00:05:47,321
I've been nothing but supportive
of your relationship with Molly.

107
00:05:47,964 --> 00:05:49,295
Again, sorry.

108
00:05:49,465 --> 00:05:50,955
You are forgiven.

109
00:05:51,134 --> 00:05:54,900
Next time you bring up being senior
officer, I'm bringing up fitness reports.

110
00:05:55,071 --> 00:05:57,665
We'll see who's Batman
and who's Robin.

111
00:06:02,412 --> 00:06:03,811
Yeah, I had a great day too.

112
00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:06,676
The highlight, of course,
being lunch with you.

113
00:06:06,849 --> 00:06:07,873
No, I mean it.

114
00:06:08,051 --> 00:06:11,680
One might say
it was the pinnacle of my day.

115
00:06:11,854 --> 00:06:12,912
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

116
00:06:13,089 --> 00:06:14,954
So, what are you doing right now?

117
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:19,493
Me? Nothing. Carl came over.
We're gonna watch the game.

118
00:06:21,764 --> 00:06:23,061
No, it's not the Bears.

119
00:06:23,232 --> 00:06:25,860
If it was the Bears, I wouldn't be
on the phone with you.

120
00:06:26,035 --> 00:06:28,469
Sit down. What are you waiting for?

121
00:06:29,238 --> 00:06:30,933
No, I was talking to Carl.

122
00:06:31,107 --> 00:06:32,438
Molly says to tell you hello.

123
00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:34,738
[lN HlGH VOlCE]
Hi, Molly.

124
00:06:35,845 --> 00:06:38,177
Carl sends his warmest salutations.

125
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:39,873
[TV PLAYS LOUDER]

126
00:06:40,049 --> 00:06:41,676
Carl, you mind? I'm on the phone.

127
00:06:42,151 --> 00:06:43,778
[TV PLAYS LOUDER]

128
00:06:43,953 --> 00:06:44,977
[TV PLAYS SOFTER]

129
00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:47,054
-What are you doing?
-What are you doing?

130
00:06:47,223 --> 00:06:49,691
I came to watch a football game,
not watch you talk.

131
00:06:49,859 --> 00:06:53,522
I should probably go. Robin's in a mood.

132
00:06:55,298 --> 00:06:58,062
-What is your problem?
-I don't have a problem.

133
00:06:58,234 --> 00:06:59,565
Got you some hot wings.

134
00:06:59,735 --> 00:07:01,396
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

135
00:07:01,571 --> 00:07:05,302
I thought you deserved a reward after the
strength you showed with the pea soup.

136
00:07:07,276 --> 00:07:10,177
So, what's your girlfriend up to tonight?

137
00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:12,746
I don't know.
She's probably just hanging out.

138
00:07:12,915 --> 00:07:15,543
Uh-huh. And she called you
to ask you to come over?

139
00:07:15,718 --> 00:07:17,276
No.

140
00:07:17,453 --> 00:07:19,045
I mean, the subject did come up...

141
00:07:19,222 --> 00:07:22,157
...but l, of course, told her
that you and I already had plans.

142
00:07:22,325 --> 00:07:25,226
And what kind of friend would I be
if I blew those off?

143
00:07:25,394 --> 00:07:26,656
Yeah, I think I heard that.

144
00:07:26,829 --> 00:07:30,026
That was the part where you said,
"Nothing, it's just Carl."

145
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:32,934
-Why are you so sensitive?
-I'm not being sensitive.

146
00:07:33,102 --> 00:07:36,071
-I don't appreciate being taken for granted.
-Sorry.

147
00:07:36,239 --> 00:07:38,332
Forget about it.
Let's just watch the game.

148
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,532
[TV PLAYS lNDlSTlNCT CROWD NOlSES]

149
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,745
Just go.

150
00:07:50,586 --> 00:07:52,679
-I'll lock up.
-Thanks, man.

151
00:07:54,857 --> 00:07:58,657
If I were a lesser man, I'd do
a weenie-rub on all his juice glasses.

152
00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:05,692
Tell me what you're thinking
about right now.

153
00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:08,496
-Honestly?
-Yeah, whatever's in your heart.

154
00:08:09,372 --> 00:08:10,703
I'm worried about Carl.

155
00:08:13,342 --> 00:08:16,573
Got your tongue halfway down my throat
and you're thinking about Carl?

156
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,613
No, not in that way.
Wow, you really know how to kill a mood.

157
00:08:20,349 --> 00:08:22,909
-I'm the mood killer?
-I just feel bad for him.

158
00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:24,109
Why?

159
00:08:24,287 --> 00:08:26,983
I don't know.
He doesn't have anybody in his life.

160
00:08:27,156 --> 00:08:28,919
Well, would it make you feel better...

161
00:08:29,091 --> 00:08:31,685
...if you were kissing him
and thinking about me?

162
00:08:31,861 --> 00:08:34,261
Oh, I wish it were that simple.

163
00:08:34,997 --> 00:08:37,090
All right, kids, I'm hitting the hay.

164
00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:40,497
Oh, you spending the night, Tons o' Fun?

165
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:43,629
No, ma'am.

166
00:08:43,806 --> 00:08:47,469
I'm just asking because I sleep in the buff
and I get up a lot to tinkle.

167
00:08:47,643 --> 00:08:49,736
Hate for you to bump into me
in the hallway...

168
00:08:49,912 --> 00:08:52,745
...and find yourself
with a difficult choice to make.

169
00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:57,085
Anyway, good night.

170
00:08:57,253 --> 00:08:58,743
Good night, Mrs. Flynn.

171
00:08:58,921 --> 00:09:00,320
Good night, Mom.

172
00:09:00,890 --> 00:09:04,121
We buy her a bathrobe every Christmas,
but she never gets the hint.

173
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:07,319
The FedEx guy bought her three
before he quit.

174
00:09:12,435 --> 00:09:15,199
Here's a thought. Maybe we could
hook Carl up with someone.

175
00:09:15,371 --> 00:09:17,931
And we're back to Carl.

176
00:09:19,008 --> 00:09:21,568
Sorry, he's my best friend.
I just want him to be happy.

177
00:09:22,678 --> 00:09:24,043
So if he has a girlfriend--?

178
00:09:24,213 --> 00:09:28,172
He drops me like a handful of hot nickels.
It's a win-win.

179
00:09:29,385 --> 00:09:31,319
Oh, hey, hey, hey.

180
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:33,648
Cop in the house.

181
00:09:34,056 --> 00:09:37,514
I'll be right back.
I have to go flush something.

182
00:09:42,698 --> 00:09:45,166
Hey, how about me, you...

183
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:48,701
...and one of your girlfriends
go for a drink and I invite Carl to join?

184
00:09:49,305 --> 00:09:50,533
Like a double date?

185
00:09:50,706 --> 00:09:55,166
I don't know. All of my teacher friends
are either married or gay or both.

186
00:09:55,344 --> 00:09:58,040
One of them just adopted
an adorable Chinese girl.

187
00:09:58,214 --> 00:09:59,977
How old's she?

188
00:10:02,251 --> 00:10:07,655
I don't know if this is cake or cheese,
but it's really good.

189
00:10:12,228 --> 00:10:15,254
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-No, I am not.

190
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:21,398
All right, after Brother Haywood
introduces me...

191
00:10:21,570 --> 00:10:23,629
...you're gonna start in real soft.

192
00:10:23,839 --> 00:10:25,204
[PLAYS CHORD]

193
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:29,674
Not too soft. The whole choir
is gonna be flapping them paper fans.

194
00:10:30,313 --> 00:10:34,181
-I got it, Grandma.
-I'll tell you when you got it.

195
00:10:34,784 --> 00:10:37,252
Then I'm gonna step to the podium...

196
00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:39,945
...nod towards the congregation...

197
00:10:40,122 --> 00:10:42,488
...give a little knowing wink
to Brother Haywood...

198
00:10:42,658 --> 00:10:45,286
...then blow the rafters off
that house of Jesus.

199
00:10:46,095 --> 00:10:49,087
[PLAYlNG DON HENLEY'S "O THEY TELL
ME OF A HOME FAR BEYOND THE SKlES"]

200
00:10:49,265 --> 00:10:52,098
[SlNGlNG]
Ooh, you know, they tell me of a home

201
00:10:52,268 --> 00:10:54,634
Far beyond the sky

202
00:10:54,804 --> 00:10:58,865
And they tell me of a land far away

203
00:10:59,275 --> 00:11:04,303
Ooh, tell me of a home
Where no storm clouds rise

204
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,744
You know, they tell me

205
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:13,617
Of an uncloudy day

206
00:11:13,789 --> 00:11:18,158
[HOLDlNG NOTE]

207
00:11:18,327 --> 00:11:19,385
[GASPS]

208
00:11:19,562 --> 00:11:21,996
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

209
00:11:22,164 --> 00:11:23,256
[DOORBELL RlNGS]

210
00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:25,127
Oh, thank you, God.

211
00:11:28,170 --> 00:11:30,229
-Hey, you busy right now?
-Why? What's up?

212
00:11:30,406 --> 00:11:32,840
Hey, Michael. Come on in, sweetness.

213
00:11:33,008 --> 00:11:36,239
Leaving your friend standing out there
like a Jehovah's Witness.

214
00:11:38,681 --> 00:11:40,876
Wipe your feet.
We just vacuumed the rug.

215
00:11:41,050 --> 00:11:42,244
Oh, we did?

216
00:11:42,418 --> 00:11:45,819
Boy ain't touched the vacuum cleaner
since he was 13 years old...

217
00:11:45,988 --> 00:11:48,980
...and I ain't gonna tell you
what he was doing with it.

218
00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:55,456
Can I get you some iced tea?
Something harder?

219
00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:58,759
If you don't drink on Saturday night,
you got nothing to talk to Jesus about...

220
00:11:58,934 --> 00:12:00,492
...on Sunday morning.

221
00:12:01,237 --> 00:12:04,206
I'm fine, Nana. I just came by
to ask Carl something.

222
00:12:04,373 --> 00:12:06,500
-What you want?
-Listen to him.

223
00:12:06,675 --> 00:12:07,767
"What you want?"

224
00:12:07,943 --> 00:12:10,104
Trying to act all gangsta
and everything.

225
00:12:10,279 --> 00:12:13,339
Boy's about as gangsta as a Fig Newton.

226
00:12:15,885 --> 00:12:18,683
I'm on my way over to Molly's
to take her and her sister out.

227
00:12:18,854 --> 00:12:22,449
-I thought you might wanna join us.
-I don't know. It's kind of last-minute.

228
00:12:22,625 --> 00:12:24,889
Kind of last-minute?

229
00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:28,086
This man is offering you a chance
at a real live woman.

230
00:12:28,264 --> 00:12:31,563
You best be putting on some clean drawers
and praying she ain't picky.

231
00:12:34,270 --> 00:12:36,602
I got this, Grandma.
I'm a grown man, it's my life.

232
00:12:36,772 --> 00:12:38,763
You better hurry up and start living it...

233
00:12:38,941 --> 00:12:42,672
...because the vacuum cleaner
ain't gonna give me no great-grandbabies.

234
00:12:46,649 --> 00:12:48,776
Let me change my shirt.

235
00:12:56,125 --> 00:12:58,616
So, Victoria, exactly what is it you do?

236
00:12:59,495 --> 00:13:01,224
What do you mean?

237
00:13:01,630 --> 00:13:04,861
He means do you work
or have a job of any kind?

238
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:06,467
Oh, I see.

239
00:13:06,635 --> 00:13:10,537
I thought you were talking about my
will-dos and won't-dos in the bedroom.

240
00:13:10,973 --> 00:13:12,565
Wait, you actually have won't-dos?

241
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:15,874
Thank you so much for this.

242
00:13:18,848 --> 00:13:20,315
She's a cosmetologist.

243
00:13:20,483 --> 00:13:25,546
And just to clear up any confusion,
that is not a Russian astronaut.

244
00:13:26,021 --> 00:13:29,752
Not that she couldn't be one
if she really applied herself.

245
00:13:30,693 --> 00:13:33,389
I work at several different funeral homes
around the city.

246
00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:35,052
-Funeral homes?
-Yeah.

247
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,199
You know, where they store dead people.

248
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,535
I thought that was the symphony.

249
00:13:45,941 --> 00:13:48,535
I didn't say a word
and I had a wonderful time.

250
00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:53,910
So, what you're saying is you apply
makeup to the recently deceased?

251
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,278
Tell him about the time
you got really baked...

252
00:13:56,452 --> 00:13:59,250
...and made that 80-year-old woman look
like the drummer in KlSS.

253
00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:01,651
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, yeah.

254
00:14:01,824 --> 00:14:03,985
One time, I got really baked...

255
00:14:04,159 --> 00:14:07,720
...and made this 80-year-old woman
look like the drummer in KlSS.

256
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,761
[VlCTORlA GUFFAWS]

257
00:14:10,666 --> 00:14:13,260
-What a great story.
MOLLY: Yeah.

258
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:16,563
Yeah, it's so much better
when she tells it.

259
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:21,068
You know, Carl and I have been partners
five years come November the 8th.

260
00:14:21,243 --> 00:14:22,574
Has it been five years?

261
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:26,846
Pretty impressive, huh?

262
00:14:27,016 --> 00:14:28,415
Nice single guy.

263
00:14:28,584 --> 00:14:31,781
Same job for five years.
It's not court-mandated.

264
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:37,054
Not to embarrass him, but he's actually
saved my life a couple times.

265
00:14:37,226 --> 00:14:38,853
Now, don't be bringing that up.

266
00:14:39,028 --> 00:14:42,054
These girls don't need to know
all about my heroics.

267
00:14:44,066 --> 00:14:45,931
You gonna tell the story or not?

268
00:14:46,502 --> 00:14:50,029
Well, the first time was an armed robbery
at a liquor store.

269
00:14:50,205 --> 00:14:52,264
The owner was on the ground, out cold.

270
00:14:52,441 --> 00:14:54,033
While I was checking his vitals...

271
00:14:54,209 --> 00:14:56,609
...the perp came busting out
of the storeroom, gun in hand.

272
00:14:56,779 --> 00:14:58,371
Oh, my God. What did you do?

273
00:14:58,547 --> 00:15:01,812
I didn't have time to think.
This guy came out of nowhere like a ninja.

274
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,645
Or Batman.

275
00:15:05,354 --> 00:15:07,686
Whatever. He knocked the gun away,
cuffed the guy.

276
00:15:07,856 --> 00:15:09,118
Barely even broke a sweat.

277
00:15:09,558 --> 00:15:11,253
What was the second time?

278
00:15:11,427 --> 00:15:13,156
Last year's Oktoberfest.

279
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,797
They were selling two-for-one bratwursts.

280
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:20,992
Me and three guys in lederhosen had
to link arms and give him the Heimlich.

281
00:15:21,737 --> 00:15:25,605
Wow! You are a real hero, Officer Carl.

282
00:15:25,774 --> 00:15:27,799
Oh, no.

283
00:15:27,977 --> 00:15:29,342
Little bit.

284
00:15:31,814 --> 00:15:33,714
Michael Jordan just walked by.

285
00:15:33,882 --> 00:15:35,372
Sweet Lord, it is.

286
00:15:35,551 --> 00:15:36,677
It's Jordan.

287
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:38,479
I love Michael Jordan.

288
00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:40,747
I don't know what it is
about bald black men.

289
00:15:40,923 --> 00:15:43,016
They're just so sexy.

290
00:15:44,093 --> 00:15:45,993
[WHlSPERS]
Thank you, again.

291
00:15:50,132 --> 00:15:52,896
Michael Jordan is a punk-ass bitch.

292
00:15:58,574 --> 00:16:01,099
Damn, they seemed
to really be hitting it off.

293
00:16:01,276 --> 00:16:04,541
Yeah, tough break. Poor guy.

294
00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:08,046
You think there's any chance your sister
could get me Jordan's autograph?

295
00:16:08,484 --> 00:16:10,884
I think his hands are gonna be
kind of busy tonight.

296
00:16:11,286 --> 00:16:12,617
[CAR HORN HONKlNG]

297
00:16:12,821 --> 00:16:15,415
I'll be right there, Carl!

298
00:16:16,759 --> 00:16:19,523
I should probably get him home.
He's had a tough night.

299
00:16:19,695 --> 00:16:21,492
You're such a good friend to him.

300
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:23,395
He'd do the same for me.

301
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:26,863
Hey, after you drop him off,
why don't you circle back?

302
00:16:27,036 --> 00:16:30,028
He's gonna wanna talk
and it's probably gonna be pretty late.

303
00:16:30,205 --> 00:16:31,570
Oh, that's a shame.

304
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:34,504
There was a pretty good chance
you were gonna get lucky.

305
00:16:34,677 --> 00:16:36,008
What's that?

306
00:16:36,178 --> 00:16:39,841
Unless you think our relationship's
not ready to move to the next level.

307
00:16:40,015 --> 00:16:43,178
No. It is. Let me dump
that crybaby off, I'll be right back.

308
00:16:44,286 --> 00:16:47,881
-I'll leave the door unlocked.
-Doesn't matter. I'd chew through it.

309
00:16:50,192 --> 00:16:53,889
Life is unpredictable. One minute,
you're having drinks with a beautiful girl...

310
00:16:54,063 --> 00:16:56,327
...next minute,
your friend's driving you home...

311
00:16:56,498 --> 00:16:58,466
...pulling up in front
of your grandma's house...

312
00:16:58,634 --> 00:17:00,829
...slowing down for you to safely exit...

313
00:17:01,003 --> 00:17:04,097
...and bidding you a heartfelt good night.
Good night.

314
00:17:05,674 --> 00:17:06,698
What's wrong with me?

315
00:17:06,875 --> 00:17:09,708
Jeez. You really wanna open
that can of worms?

316
00:17:09,878 --> 00:17:13,109
I mean, I'm a good-looking guy.
I'm in tiptop physical condition.

317
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,443
You're a dreamboat,
but it was Michael Jordan.

318
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,608
Come on, I'd run off with the guy.

319
00:17:19,054 --> 00:17:22,251
-Can I tell you a little secret?
-Then it's not a secret.

320
00:17:23,225 --> 00:17:25,318
I guess maybe I am jealous
of you and Molly.

321
00:17:25,494 --> 00:17:27,223
I understand. Don't worry about it.

322
00:17:27,396 --> 00:17:28,590
[SPEAKS lN SPANlSH]

323
00:17:29,732 --> 00:17:34,396
I see the way you two look at each other
and I just wish I had something like that.

324
00:17:34,570 --> 00:17:38,370
You'll find that, Carl, I know you will.
Well, sleep tight.

325
00:17:39,541 --> 00:17:41,236
My dad left when I was very young.

326
00:17:41,410 --> 00:17:45,141
As dads will do. You learn, you grow.
Good night, Carl.

327
00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:49,917
And I don't know what I'd do
if I lost you as a friend.

328
00:17:50,853 --> 00:17:52,514
Is that what you're worried about?

329
00:17:52,688 --> 00:17:56,249
You think me dating Molly
is gonna change our friendship?

330
00:17:56,425 --> 00:17:58,484
It's never gonna happen.

331
00:17:59,762 --> 00:18:02,595
-I appreciate you saying that.
-From the heart.

332
00:18:02,765 --> 00:18:05,859
Now, get out of the car.
I wanna go have sex with Molly.

333
00:18:06,869 --> 00:18:09,201
-She gave you the green light?
-Yes, she did.

334
00:18:09,371 --> 00:18:11,737
And you still took the time to talk to me?

335
00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:14,034
-That is so sweet.
-Get out of the car!

336
00:18:14,943 --> 00:18:16,774
Ahem. Right, right. Get it done.

337
00:18:16,945 --> 00:18:19,778
You need condoms?
That crazy sister slipped me some.

338
00:18:19,948 --> 00:18:23,440
-Out, out.
-I'm going, I'm going.

339
00:18:24,086 --> 00:18:25,144
[TlRES SCREECHlNG]

340
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,754
-I love you, man.
-Love you too.

341
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:43,633
JOYCE:
lntruder!

342
00:18:43,806 --> 00:18:45,068
[MlKE GRUNTS]

343
00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:54,978
My God. Mike.

344
00:18:55,684 --> 00:18:58,278
I-- I know this is bad,
but I'd like to point out...

345
00:18:58,453 --> 00:19:00,717
...I'm wearing the robe
you got me for Christmas.

346
00:19:08,463 --> 00:19:11,591
-Mike, I'm so sorry.
-Me too.

347
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:14,395
I thought the most painful thing
I'd have to do to get laid...

348
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:16,902
...was sit through that symphony.

349
00:19:18,373 --> 00:19:19,567
You're gonna be fine.

350
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:22,835
We just need to get your skull x-rayed.

351
00:19:23,345 --> 00:19:24,403
Okay.

352
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,743
Can you talk to your mom?
I don't mind the occasional fat joke...

353
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:31,511
...but I take exception
to having my skull caved in.

354
00:19:34,389 --> 00:19:35,947
What did I miss?

355
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:05,610
[English - US - SDH]