1 00:00:01,434 --> 00:00:03,299 [Ted Narrating] Kids, in the fall of 2010... 2 00:00:03,403 --> 00:00:06,531 I was designing the new headquarters for Goliath National Bank... 3 00:00:06,639 --> 00:00:09,199 which meant working side by side with your Uncle Barney. 4 00:00:09,309 --> 00:00:13,075 I love your idea about a giant rooftop ring of fire you can jump through with a motorcycle. 5 00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:17,138 But I tweaked it slightly, and this is still super badass. 6 00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:21,346 It's now a patio garden where you can bring a nice bag lunch. 7 00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:24,248 - Sick. - Yeah. 8 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:28,350 Dude, working together is gonna be legen... 9 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:30,395 Wait for it. 10 00:00:30,497 --> 00:00:34,456 I'll send you an interoffice memo with the rest, 'cause we freakin' work together! 11 00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,502 [Ted Narrating] Everything was going great... that is, right up until Barney said... 12 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:41,836 Oh! Big news. The board finally settled on a site for the building. 13 00:00:41,941 --> 00:00:43,670 - [Ted Narrating] It was the site of the Arcadian... - ##[Trumpet: Symphonic Jazz] 14 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,472 one of New York's grandest old hotels. 15 00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:48,376 In its heyday, it was the New York home to kings and queens. 16 00:00:48,481 --> 00:00:50,108 - But lately... - ##[Funk] 17 00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:53,842 mostly just queens. 18 00:00:53,953 --> 00:00:56,854 [Low Voice] Hi, handsome. Lookin' for a date? 19 00:00:56,956 --> 00:00:58,890 Uh, no, thank you. 20 00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:03,018 Still got it. [Exhales] 21 00:01:04,164 --> 00:01:06,724 - Barney, we have to talk. - Sure. What's up? 22 00:01:06,833 --> 00:01:09,358 - Excuse me, Mr. Stinson. - Not now, Trish! 23 00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:11,733 But there's an urgent memo for Mr. Mosby. 24 00:01:14,707 --> 00:01:17,437 ..."dary." - "Legendary!" 25 00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,039 So, what's on your mind? 26 00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:23,638 [Sighs] I can't design the building. 27 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:27,286 ##[Upbeat Pop] 28 00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:30,719 ##[Man Vocalizing] 29 00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:37,622 ##[Ends] 30 00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:40,196 Ooh, yeah. [Chortling] 31 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:44,737 Oh, baby. No, no. Not the slipper socks with the rubber soles. 32 00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:47,102 I work so hard to... to set the mood... 33 00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:50,540 a-and when I see those, I feel the egg go... [Imitates Slurp] 34 00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:52,440 right back up my fallopian tube. 35 00:01:52,545 --> 00:01:55,013 Baby, these satin sheets are slippery. 36 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,015 - Papa needs traction. - Traction? 37 00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,086 As you know, Papa likes to get down with enthusiasm. 38 00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:01,847 Please stop calling yourself "Papa." 39 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,252 And without traction... 40 00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:05,017 Papa's likely to boogie himself right outta bed. 41 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,821 - It's either these or soccer cleats. - [Slurps] 44 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:16,594 [Ted Narrating] Kids, as you may remember, Max was a friend of Marshall's from law school... 45 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:19,137 with whom Robin was really starting to hit it off. 46 00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:20,900 Nice! I love that guy. 47 00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:24,272 Max is both his name and his level of awesomeness. 48 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:27,904 Yeah, he's a sweet guy. She feels really comfortable with him. 49 00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:30,847 They bonded over hockey. I guess he has a small penis. 50 00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:33,783 - But they wanna double-date next weekend. - Yaah! 51 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:37,118 - Why would you tell me that? - So you'll clear your schedule. 52 00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:40,454 - No. The other part. - Oh, the "small penis" thing? 53 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,755 Aah! Stop saying that! Why do you keep saying that? 54 00:02:42,862 --> 00:02:44,227 I don't wanna know that. 55 00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:46,696 I'm not gonna be able to look the guy in the eye. 56 00:02:46,799 --> 00:02:48,960 I'm certainly not gonna be able to call him Max. 57 00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:52,469 That's insane! Just because you know Max has a small penis. 58 00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:54,369 Gaah! Just stop! 59 00:02:55,441 --> 00:02:57,602 - You are kidding me. - I'm sorry. 60 00:02:57,710 --> 00:03:00,270 I can't do this if it means tearing down the Arcadian. 61 00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:03,474 It's an architectural landmark. Plus, people live there. 62 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:06,711 How does GNB plan to get hundreds of residents to just up and leave? 63 00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:08,218 - Snakes. - Did you just say "snakes"? 64 00:03:08,321 --> 00:03:10,414 I don't recall saying "snakes." 65 00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:14,220 Ted, I know ya love crappy old stuff no one cares about... 66 00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:17,296 but I'm gonna give you four words to live by. 67 00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:22,596 - "New is always better." - New is always better? 68 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,727 You know who's a million times hotter... 69 00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:26,896 than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? 70 00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:30,601 Her okay-Iooking friend I haven't seen naked. 71 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:34,168 Why? Because new is always better. 72 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:37,408 - Mm-hmm. And this theory applies to everything? - Everything. 73 00:03:37,517 --> 00:03:41,578 So, those new Star Wars movies... those are better than the old ones? 74 00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:47,422 Yeah. The first three barely mention the intricacies of intergalactic trade law. 75 00:03:47,527 --> 00:03:50,087 Then when you're at a Guns N' Roses concert, you're, like... 76 00:03:50,196 --> 00:03:52,255 "Yeah, yeah. 'P aradise City.' Whatever. 77 00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:55,562 When are they gonna rock me some 'Chinese Democracy'?" 78 00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:58,569 Axl's really matured as a songwriter, Ted. 79 00:03:58,671 --> 00:04:01,196 Wendy, I'd like to buy my friend a drink. 80 00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:03,673 - What's your oldest scotch? - Glen McKenna. 81 00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:06,643 Aged 30 years in oak casks. Amazing. 82 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,941 And what's your newest scotch? 83 00:04:09,048 --> 00:04:11,346 Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch. 84 00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:13,316 Don't let it touch your skin. 85 00:04:14,554 --> 00:04:16,283 Your call, buddy. 86 00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:22,850 A glass of J-Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch sounds lovely. 87 00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:25,055 Lots of ice. 88 00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:27,826 New is always better, Ted. That's a rule. 89 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,164 - Just like bigger is always better. - [Marshall Scoffs] 90 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:33,728 That's not true. Uh, sometimes smaller is better. 91 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,673 "Hey, look how big my cell phone is." 92 00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,403 You don't hear people say that. 93 00:04:38,511 --> 00:04:41,139 No, you want something compact and efficient... 94 00:04:41,247 --> 00:04:43,147 that fits comfortably in your pocket. 95 00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:45,581 And I think Max is just a great guy. 96 00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:47,744 - [Sighs] Lily told you. - Told him what? 97 00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:49,788 Max has a small penis. 98 00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:51,186 - Gaah! - [Shouts] 99 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,986 How can you speak of such things? 100 00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:57,153 - Girls talk about everything. - Size, shape, left-to-right leaning orientation. 101 00:04:57,263 --> 00:05:00,494 Length, resemblance to a historical figure, such as Winston Churchill. 102 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,500 Yes, that's one of you. 103 00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:05,196 - Girth, grooming. - How can you speak of such things? 104 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,772 [Scoffs] You're kidding. 105 00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:09,637 Barney, every time I mention a woman you don't know... 106 00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:11,801 the first thing you say is, "Boobs?" 107 00:05:11,911 --> 00:05:16,245 Not the complete sentence, "Does she have big boobs?" which also would not be great. 108 00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:18,249 Just, "Boobs?" 109 00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,478 - I do not do that. - My friend Lori from work. 110 00:05:20,586 --> 00:05:22,451 Boobs? Damn it! 111 00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:25,217 But, seriously... Boobs? 112 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,793 So why is it okay for guys to talk about boobs... 113 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:30,658 but the moment we bring up a topic like Max's small penis... 114 00:05:30,763 --> 00:05:31,991 [Ted, Marshall, Barney Scream] 115 00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:34,225 I'm gonna pretend this conversation never happened. 116 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,861 Impossible. Max's penis is stuck in my brain like a splinter. 117 00:05:37,970 --> 00:05:40,404 Like a splinter-sized splinter. 118 00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:44,408 Speaking of disappointing weenies, Ted, tell them what ya told me. 119 00:05:45,712 --> 00:05:47,509 I wanna ask the board at GNB... 120 00:05:47,613 --> 00:05:49,547 to move the site for the new headquarters... 121 00:05:49,649 --> 00:05:51,913 so we don't have to tear down a classic old building. 122 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:55,784 I still don't get this. Why, all of a sudden, out of nowhere... 123 00:05:55,888 --> 00:05:57,788 do you want to ruin... 124 00:05:57,890 --> 00:06:00,154 Wait a minute. 125 00:06:00,259 --> 00:06:02,420 Who's the girl? 126 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,325 - [Robin] Oh, duh. - [Lily] Of course there's a girl. 127 00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:08,890 What? l... There's no g-girl. Why would you even... 128 00:06:10,002 --> 00:06:12,334 Her name is Zoey. 129 00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:14,338 Boobs? 130 00:06:18,945 --> 00:06:20,845 Beautiful building, right? 131 00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:23,848 Look, mister, you are very convincing... 132 00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:26,418 and I am very flattered... 133 00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:29,010 confused even... but I'm not looking... 134 00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:31,716 Not a drag queen. 135 00:06:31,824 --> 00:06:34,588 But you definitely have me rethinking this eye shadow. 136 00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:38,790 Not only is she funny, hot and genetically female... 137 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,729 but get this... 138 00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:44,530 Look at the Palladian windows, the rusticated stonework... 139 00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:46,798 the marble cornices. 140 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:50,433 She's an architecture nerd! A hot architecture nerd! 141 00:06:50,543 --> 00:06:53,410 - That's the dream. - Whose dream? 142 00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:55,708 We wound up talking for hours. 143 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:59,445 I love how old parts of this city are. 144 00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:02,885 - It makes me feel connected to history. - Old is always better. 145 00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:05,116 - I can't wait to be old. - Me too. 146 00:07:05,224 --> 00:07:09,160 You can wear elastic everything. Your lipstick doesn't have to stay inside the lines. 147 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,390 You can shoplift and pretend you're just confused. 148 00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:16,059 - You can nap anywhere, even while driving. - Uh-huh. 149 00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:19,935 It's gonna be great. Can't wait to be all rundown and weathered and wrinkly. 150 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,004 Well, I'd say you got a pretty long wait. 151 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:26,468 That's sweet. 152 00:07:26,579 --> 00:07:29,241 It would be sweeter if you hadn't thought I was a tranny before... 153 00:07:29,348 --> 00:07:31,248 but it's still sweet. 154 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,181 Aw, Ted, that's so romantic. 155 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:38,121 I wanna fill a pillowcase with dead batteries and beat you with it. 156 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:41,022 Hey, Ted. Can I ask you something? 157 00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,557 Anything. 158 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,264 - Will you sign this petition? - [Siren Wailing In Distance] 159 00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:51,961 "Save the Arcadian." 160 00:07:52,071 --> 00:07:55,370 We are gonna stop the bastards at Goliath National Bank from demolishing it. 161 00:07:57,543 --> 00:07:59,875 Will you support us? 162 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:01,947 And you said? 163 00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:04,277 Where do I sign? 164 00:08:04,383 --> 00:08:06,214 [Sputters] 165 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,618 Hmm. Grape scotch. Not bad. 166 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,724 Ted, you only think the Arcadian needs to be saved... 167 00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,763 because some pretty girl thinks that. 168 00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:21,356 And, seriously, boobs? 169 00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:24,459 This isn't about the girl. It's about the building. 170 00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:27,038 And what did this "Zoey" say... 171 00:08:27,139 --> 00:08:30,768 when she found out that you're the one tearing down her beloved Arcadian... 172 00:08:30,877 --> 00:08:34,813 that you, Ted Mosby, are the architect of destruction? 173 00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:37,178 Whoa. Sweet wrestling name alert. 174 00:08:38,951 --> 00:08:42,580 Well, uh, it's a... it's a funny thing about that. 175 00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:46,089 - So, what do you do, Ted? - I'm a veterinarian. 176 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,319 - [All Laughing] - What? I panicked! 177 00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:51,055 This whole Arcadian thing is classic Mosby. 178 00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:53,597 Changing your personality to fit some girl. 179 00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,327 I don't do that. 180 00:08:57,303 --> 00:08:59,669 Well, off to meet Steph. 181 00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:02,468 We're adrenaline junkies. 182 00:09:03,509 --> 00:09:06,410 - [Murmurs] - Ba-dum-bum. 183 00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:09,379 Penelope's taking me to the Battle of Gettysburg. 184 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:12,110 We're gonna eat squirrel. [Giggles] 185 00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,283 Look, she's really hot, okay? 186 00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:23,690 [Shutter Clicks] 187 00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:25,787 - [All] Oh! - Come on! Come on! 188 00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:28,196 We all change a little for whoever we're into. 189 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:30,235 Barney pretended to be a rabbi to get laid. 190 00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:33,203 Asian girls love them some Jews. 191 00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:36,366 And Marshall never would've listened to the Indigo Girls if it weren't for Lily. 192 00:09:36,475 --> 00:09:38,875 Um, I think you got that backwards there, chief. 193 00:09:38,978 --> 00:09:41,811 And you're welcome. 194 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,315 The point is, you weren't pretending to like the Indigo Girls for the other person. 195 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,909 You realized you liked them because of the other person. 196 00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:51,217 Just like me, Zoey and the Arcadian. 197 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:53,884 Did GNB really put snakes in the Arcadian? 198 00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:55,824 [Snickers] No. 199 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,486 Technically, they were eggs. 200 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,724 - Did you just say... - I don't recall saying "eggs." 201 00:10:01,233 --> 00:10:03,133 So, I walk into my boss's office... 202 00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:07,331 and suddenly I realize, "Holy crap. I'm about to quit." 203 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,432 [Thinking] Small penis. You have a small penis. 204 00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:13,774 Oh, that's super interesting, but you have a small penis. 205 00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:15,506 Damn it, Marshalll Okay, okay. 206 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,278 Think of any two words other than "small"or "penis." 207 00:10:19,385 --> 00:10:22,115 Got it. Small penis. Damn itl 208 00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:25,588 Yeah, I think it is so cool that you started your own law firm. 209 00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:29,320 Well, right now it's a pretty small practice. 210 00:10:29,428 --> 00:10:31,055 [Chuckling] Hey. Hey. 211 00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:33,131 I'll bet it's not that small. 212 00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,933 Bro, it's pretty small. 213 00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:39,937 But you know what they say. The important thing is how you use it. 214 00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:42,667 You know, "the motion of the ocean." That whole thing. 215 00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:46,142 He said it's small, Marshall, and everybody's fine with that. Let's just move on. 216 00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:50,375 I'm just saying that I bet it's bigger than he thinks. 217 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:54,317 - And thick. - No. Everything about it is tiny. 218 00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:57,321 The office is tiny. The conference room is tiny. 219 00:10:57,423 --> 00:11:00,119 - Plus, I got a very small staff. - Let's order! 220 00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:04,129 [Ted Narrating] As I was mustering the courage to call Zoey... 221 00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:06,130 and tell her my true identity... 222 00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,700 "Zoey. I'm Batman." 223 00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:11,661 That'd be cool. 224 00:11:11,771 --> 00:11:13,898 - The strangest thing happened. - [Knocking] 225 00:11:18,911 --> 00:11:20,742 I need your help. Just to warn you... 226 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:24,543 what I'm about to show you is not a hundred percent legal. 227 00:11:26,318 --> 00:11:29,082 - Wasn't expecting bunnies. - I stole 'em, Ted. 228 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:32,885 My animal rights group liberated these guys from an evil cosmetics company... 229 00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:34,823 and I figured, " Hey, Ted's a vet. 230 00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:37,418 He can check them out and make sure they're okay." 231 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:40,328 - Absolutely. Just let me run up and get my bag of vet supplies. - Okay. 232 00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,761 Why would I say that? 233 00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,931 Well, I know what I'm getting. 234 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,030 - What? - The porterhouse. 235 00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:53,441 I've had it here before. It is like this. It's huge. 236 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,208 Well, spare no expense, buddy. Dinner is on me. 237 00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:59,682 And... And get dessert. Maybe this molten chocolate lava cake? 238 00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:02,015 I just want you to be happy. 239 00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:04,180 Thanks, man. Next time, it is on me. 240 00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,917 - Aw. - Excuse me. I'll be right back. 241 00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:08,255 - All right. - [Marshall] Totally. 242 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,021 We'll just be here. 243 00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:14,526 You're great. 244 00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:16,760 Uh... [Chuckles] Thanks, bro. 245 00:12:16,869 --> 00:12:18,928 It's, uh... It's goin' on a while. 246 00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:20,903 I know. 247 00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:22,530 Thanks. 248 00:12:23,342 --> 00:12:24,866 Damn, baby. Be cool. 249 00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:27,775 - You're acting like he has six months to live. - It's your fault. 250 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,440 You ladies and your salty sailor talk. 251 00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:33,416 Oh, come on! What about you men and your locker room talk? 252 00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:37,216 "Locker room talk." Do you wanna know what it's like in a men's locker room? 253 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:38,950 - Hey. - Hey. 254 00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:41,583 - [Shower Running] - [Marshall] It's just a bunch of uncomfortable dudes... 255 00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:44,219 trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. 256 00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:47,959 And one old guy just lettin'it all hang out. 257 00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:51,059 Are you suggesting that guys don't talk about sex? 258 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:53,661 Yes, we do, but you know what we say? 259 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,367 "I hit that." "I got some." 260 00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:59,069 "I tapped it." "I squeezed those." 261 00:12:59,178 --> 00:13:01,942 - Discreet and efficient. - Not to mention classy. 262 00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:03,776 Thank God that I'm not dating. 263 00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:06,681 If I thought that Lily talked in that much detail about our sex life... 264 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,777 I'd probably kill myself. 265 00:13:12,424 --> 00:13:15,416 Oh, no. What did you tell her? 266 00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:18,929 [Squeaky, Gasping Voice] I told her nothing. We don't talk about you. 267 00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:20,760 Are you sure? 268 00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:24,461 Yeah! That argument has no traction whatsoever. 269 00:13:26,906 --> 00:13:30,433 Wait. You just broke in and stole these guys? Aren't you worried about getting arrested? 270 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,706 Nah, I've been arrested lots of times. 271 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,474 [Camera Shutter Clicking] 272 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:46,024 [Scoffs] "Chinese Democracy"! 273 00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:47,615 Wow. 274 00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:49,626 You're a little bit crazy. 275 00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:52,390 Well, I'm usually crazy for a good cause. 276 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,659 I can't just sit by while voiceless people... 277 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:57,167 or animals or even buildings get screwed over. 278 00:13:57,269 --> 00:14:02,297 I'm certainly not gonna just sit by while GNB turns the Arcadian into a soulless metal box. 279 00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:05,844 Yeah. Yeah. Although I hear there's a lovely rooftop patio... 280 00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:08,311 where folks can enjoy a nice bag lunch. 281 00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:12,077 Ted, I will find the bastards at GNB responsible for this... 282 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,742 and I promise you... 283 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,981 I will take... them... down. 284 00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:20,090 Cuckoo! 285 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:24,561 Ted, this woman is an anarchist, a sociopath, a lunatic. 286 00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:27,826 And, for the love of God, boobs? 287 00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:31,164 - Solid "C" cup, perky bounce. - Momentary grudging respect. 288 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:37,572 Zoey does what she believes is right, and I wanna do the same thing. 289 00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:39,576 We have to find a new site for this building. 290 00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:41,373 Ted, that is never gonna happen. 291 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,948 Well, I can't tear down the Arcadian. 292 00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,847 I'm sorry, but I'm off the project. 293 00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:50,285 - [Crowd Chanting] - Hey, guys, I appreciate the great turnout... 294 00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:54,553 but just so we're all on the same page, this is not a rally to legalize marijuana. 295 00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:56,628 Aw, bummer. 296 00:15:00,699 --> 00:15:02,564 - Hey. - Hey, Ted! 297 00:15:02,668 --> 00:15:04,295 I'm so glad you came. 298 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:07,600 Well, you really got to me the other night. 299 00:15:07,706 --> 00:15:10,004 - I wanna get involved with "Save the Arcadian." - Great. 300 00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:12,543 - I'll grab you a picket sign. - Hmm. 301 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:16,741 Do you want "GNB puts the 'douche' in 'fiduciary"'... 302 00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:21,180 or "It's always 4:20 somewhere"? 303 00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:23,278 Dudes, you forgot your signs! 304 00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:26,256 [Ted Narrating] As I looked up at that magnificent old structure... 305 00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:29,384 I realized I wasn't letting my feelings for Zoey mislead me. 306 00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:31,963 This building really was worth saving. 307 00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:40,069 - Ted, everything okay? - Yeah, um... Uh... 308 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,345 You work for GNB? 309 00:15:49,548 --> 00:15:51,607 Dude, why are you dressed like a wizard? 310 00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:54,083 She was really hot, okay? 311 00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:06,925 - [Sinister Laugh] - How the hell could you do that? 312 00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:10,490 Simple. I rented the chair. The bunny was here already. That was lucky. 313 00:16:10,602 --> 00:16:13,435 I waited to do the dramatic swivel until I heard your key enter the door... 314 00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:15,734 - The billboard, Barney. - I had to. 315 00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:18,833 Now that you have no shot with the girl, you realize you never cared about the building... 316 00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:20,502 and everything can go back to normal. 317 00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:24,013 You're wrong. I do care. And I'm still quitting. 318 00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:27,643 Don't you get it, Ted? We're tearing down the Arcadian either way. 319 00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:31,280 It's a stupid, old, piece-of-crap, rundown, snake-infested dump. 320 00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:34,757 - Okay. Are there or aren't there snakes? - Who mentioned snakes? 321 00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:38,728 And stop shouting. You're scaring Cottontail. 322 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,664 - You named the rabbit? - You took longer to get here than I thought. 323 00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:43,291 We bonded. I'm keeping her. 324 00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:48,635 The point is, you now have a chance to design your own building. 325 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:51,505 Dude, you can do whatever you want with it. 326 00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:55,979 You're right. You're right. I can design it however I want. 327 00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:58,447 So, you're back in? 328 00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,518 Yeah. 329 00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:02,985 [Ted Narrating] That night, as I worked on a new design... 330 00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:05,113 that just might solve all my problems... 331 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:11,322 Marshall was visited by a disturbing vision. 332 00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:13,489 [Lily] Ugh, he thinks I like this... 333 00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:15,999 but it feels disgusting. 334 00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:18,661 Uh, it looks disgusting. 335 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:22,002 Um... Uh, is this workin' for you? 336 00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,802 [Mocking] "Uh, is this workin' for you?" 337 00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:27,242 Oh, of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on... 338 00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:30,213 while some giant paws at her nether regions... 339 00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:32,613 like Lennie from Of Mice and Men? 340 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,879 - Oh, you're bad! - More cosmos? 341 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,454 - Mmm. - [Clink] 342 00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:39,683 I can't... I can't do this! I can't stop thinking about you and Robin! 343 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,419 Well, I've had that a couple times. 344 00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:44,360 Just lean into it and let it fuel things. 345 00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:46,090 Look... No. You know what? 346 00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:49,167 Why don't you just... Why don't you just call Robin, okay... 347 00:17:49,268 --> 00:17:51,031 and have a good laugh about it? 348 00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,831 - [Marshall Screams] - [Squeak, Thud] 349 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:58,034 Traction could've prevented that. 350 00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:00,373 [Crowd Chanting] 351 00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:05,576 Well, hope you don't mind we made some changes to the billboard. 352 00:18:09,354 --> 00:18:12,289 Well, that explains a few voice mails. 353 00:18:12,391 --> 00:18:14,621 Listen, Zoey, I think we can save the Arcadian. 354 00:18:14,726 --> 00:18:17,092 No, maybe not in the way you were picturing... 355 00:18:17,196 --> 00:18:20,393 but I stayed up all night working on a new concept, okay? 356 00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:23,491 What if my design could incorporate the Arcadian's facade... 357 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:26,070 into the new GNB headquarters? 358 00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,162 [Ted Narrating] Kids, it was one of those moments in life... 359 00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:32,903 where everything comes together... the girl, the building, everything. 360 00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:35,445 Until... 361 00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:37,412 - Are you married? - Yeah. 362 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:41,252 So you're saying the facade will be completely preserved? 363 00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:48,816 This isn't about the girl. It's about the building. 364 00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:51,794 - [Ted Narrating] Yeah, it was about the girl. - Ted? 365 00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:54,661 - What... What are you doing? - [Clears Throat] This wouldn't work. 366 00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:57,132 Zoey, the Arcadian was a really great building once... 367 00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:59,136 but it's falling apart, and it's full of snakes. 368 00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:00,762 - Snakes? - I don't recall saying "snakes." 369 00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:05,042 Then he gets this panicked look on his face... 370 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,635 says, "I can't do this" and storms out. 371 00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:11,113 - Wow, that is weird. - But here's the crazier part. 372 00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:13,047 No! You know what? 373 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,746 Papa don't back down from a fight. 374 00:19:15,854 --> 00:19:18,652 So why don't you tell Robin about this! 375 00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,124 It was amazing. 376 00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:27,995 He was passionate, animalistic, a complete stud. 377 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,965 Wow! 378 00:19:30,068 --> 00:19:33,299 - So he's right there making you say all this, huh? - Yep. 379 00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:37,637 "'Y ou're like a Greek god,' I moaned, as the"... 380 00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:41,144 - I can't read that, baby. - Musky scent of man. 381 00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:43,840 "As the musky scent of man... 382 00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:47,146 and Marshall's sure-footed traction... 383 00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:50,779 intoxicated and overpowered me." 384 00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:52,413 That sounds real. 385 00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:54,151 [Ted Narrating] And as for Zoey, it was funny. 386 00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:57,387 I'd lied to her and completely let her down, and I barely knew the girl. 387 00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:59,123 But there was something about her. 388 00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:02,496 I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever see her again. 389 00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:04,228 [Zoey On Bullhorn] Hey, Mosby! 390 00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:10,168 You're gonna have to come out of your hole at some point, you son of a bitch! 391 00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:14,905 - Yeah. Legalize it! - Dude! 392 00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:18,676 Ready, aim, fire! 393 00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:22,311 [Ted Narrating] Why, yes. Yes, I would see her again. 394 00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:27,684 - Hey. - Hey. 395 00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,317 - Hey. - Hey. 396 00:20:29,428 --> 00:20:33,524 - How's it goin' with Robin? - Uh, I think I have to break up with her. 397 00:20:33,632 --> 00:20:36,157 - You with her? [Chuckling] - Why? 398 00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:38,600 Yeah, well, there's this... 399 00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:41,571 kind of weird thing she likes to do in the bedroom. 400 00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:45,439 Just... makes me uncomfortable. 401 00:20:45,544 --> 00:20:48,775 - I get it. - Yeah, that is not for everyone. 402 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,711 Okay. What's not for everyone? 403 00:20:52,484 --> 00:20:54,611 Guys, come on! What is it? 404 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:58,053 Come on, bro. It's a locker room. 405 00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:01,659 l... 406 00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:06,631 What do you think it was, Murray? 407 00:21:33,859 --> 00:21:34,826 US - English - SDH