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Kids, in the fall of 2010,

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our friends Stuart and Claudia had a baby,

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and Lily and Marshall were the first

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to visit the happy new parents.

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So, have you guys

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landed on a name yet?

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We're trying, but it's
tougher than you think.

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You see, I like "Tiffany."

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And I don't want my daughter
to have a whore's name.

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That's my mother's name.

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I know.

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Oh, I got it.

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How 'bout we name the baby
after you... "Frigid Shrew."

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Oh, that's good.

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No, no, no, no.

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Let's call her "Vodka."

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Then at least we know you'd hold her tight

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and never let her go!

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Don't knock the vodka.
Wouldn't have a kid without it.

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Stuart, you are so...

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That's not gonna be us, right?

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I mean, how hard can it be
to name a baby?

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- Right? I mean, just look at her.
- Yeah.

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She's clearly a...

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- Emily.
- Lisa.

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- Lisa?!
- Emily?!

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- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.

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Transcript by Addic7ed.com.

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Okay!

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I made a list of awesome baby names.

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Starting at the top: number one...

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I'm gonna stop you right here, Marshall.

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You name a chubby white kid "LeBron,"

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and he's the one getting stuffed
in the basketball hoop.

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Then I'm also crossing off,
um, "Shaquille"...

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Mm-hmm.

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"Hakeem," and "Dikembe."

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Hey, what about "Rob"?

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"Rob"?

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- No.
- Why not?

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Hey, Rob. What are you gonna make?

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Not "Rob."

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Okay, um, how about "Ryan"?

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Ooh.

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Not "Ryan."

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"Johnny?"

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Hey, where's the goldfish?

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Not "Johnny."

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Or "Gil."

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"Jeremy."

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Jeremy, no!

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Definitely not "Jeremy."

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His stuff was so derivative.

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Well, I mean, geez, Lily.

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Well, whatever you do,

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do not name your baby "Becky," right?

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- Why? What?
- What?

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Becky. My new co-anchor?

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Don't you guys ever watch the show?

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Oh, honey, I really try.
Our DVR won't recognize it

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- as a television program.
- Mm-hmm.

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I watched.

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Robin insisted I confirm
how "awful" Becky is,

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so last night I checked it out.

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Peace talks in the region

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have been described as, "productive."

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Becky?

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Last night, in Staten Island,

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a taco cart owner was robbed at gunpoint.

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Aww...

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That's so sad.

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Becky, we're-we're journalists.

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We can't get emotional
about the news, we...

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Oh, no!

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They stole all his money
and then pelted him

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with his own taco meat!

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Who would do that?

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Well, if you read the story,
we might find out.

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Oh, can I do this one, about the horse?

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I love horseys.

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Mm-hmm.

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Aww, the horse died.

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Guys!

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This news is all really sad.

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Okay, no holds barred...
What'd you think of Becky?

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Mmm...

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I thought she was charming.

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You, too?

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Can somebody please explain to me

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why the little girl act works on men?

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You want the long version
or the short version?

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Short version.

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Short version.

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Who's your daddy?

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You know, when you think about that,

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that phrase is really creepy.

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No, it's not. It's fun.

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Here, watch this.

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Hey, Lily... Who's your daddy?

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Okay, uh, let me get this straight.

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So, in, uh, in this scenario,

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because you make such sweet love to Lily,

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she is now your daughter.

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No, she is not my daughter.

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I'm just her daddy.

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Wow. That is disgusting.

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Exactly. And it's not like
the opposite would work.

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There's no way a guy could pick up a girl,

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going around talking like a little boy.

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- Challenge accepted.
- No.

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I, Barney Stinson,

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will pick up a girl whilst
talking like a little boy.

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Okay.

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Here's my list of baby names.

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- Oh.
- What about "Tara"?

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No.

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Not "Tara."

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Tara was the hottest girl
in my high school.

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We were all, like, obsessed with her.

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We didn't just talk about her

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and fantasize about her...

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We wrote songs about her.

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♪ Tara, your booty is so smooth ♪

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♪ And I hope this isn't rude ♪

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♪ But I want to get up on it. ♪

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Not "Tara."

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What about "Esther"?

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Gentlemen, gentlemen.

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Coming up on the main stage,

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give it up for Esther!

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Oh. Oh. Hey, Barney.

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That prime rib was surprisingly good,

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but it's 10:30 in the morning.

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I don't need to see
a lady get naked and dance.

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Oh, Esther gets naked.

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But she doesn't dance.

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Then what does she do?

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Sweet mother nature!

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That was my card!

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Gentlemen, gentlemen.

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Give it up for Esther!

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Not "Esther."

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I need a drink. Ted? Ted?

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Marshall, your list is entirely boy names.

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You do realize there's roughly a 50% chance

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of you having a daughter, right?

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Okay, honestly, I've never
thought about having a girl.

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I don't want to think about having a girl.

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Tara, Esther...

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can you imagine being
one of those girls' dads?

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♪ Marshall's daughter ♪

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♪ Your booty ♪

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♪ Your booty's so smooth. ♪

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Gentlemen, gentlemen.

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On the main stage, give it up
for Marshall's daughter.

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He screwed up my childhood.

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That's why I do this.

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I have no idea how to raise a daughter!

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What if she makes bad choices?

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I mean, what if she winds up dating some...

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Oh, God.

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Papa, I want you to meet my new boyfriend.

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Hey, bro.

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Thanks for making such a hottie.

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Who's your daddy?

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You are, 'cause of all the sex we have.

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I don't want a girl.

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I just want a little boy.

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It's not what it sounds like, folks.

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Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

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Marshall? Is that you?

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Oh, okay, um...

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You guys, you're a little
too close to the camera.

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Can you back up a bit?

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How's this?

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Every time.

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Um, can you just sit
in front of the computer

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like normal human beings?

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Perfect!

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Perfect.

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What's up, shooter?

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Um, to be honest,
I'm getting a little freaked out

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about the idea of having a daughter.

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I know you two probably
aren't the right people

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to talk to about this. You had all boys.

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Oh, well, that was just dumb luck.

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Hey, honey, would you get me a
brewski from out of the shed?

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Sure. You want anything, Marshall?

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I'm in a computer, Mom.

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Oh.

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Yeah, all boys.

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Total co-winky-dink.

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It was no co-winky-dink.

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Since the Viking age,

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the Eriksen men have
passed down ancient secrets

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for conceiving boys.

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Number one, avoid lemons.

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They're baby girl fertilizer.

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Okay... No offense, Dad,

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but I doubt there's any
scientific data to support...

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"I doubt there's
any scientific data to support..."

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I had all sons.

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Your grandfather had all sons.

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Your great-grandfather had all sons.

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Scoreboard!

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Who you gonna listen to?

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Me? Or "scientific data"?

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Members of the G-8

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convened today in Vienna

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to discuss plans to fight

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climate change by re... What?

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Ask me what I did yesterday.

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Hey, Becky, Becky, this is
our news segment, okay?

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Nobody cares what you did yesterday.

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Lighten up, Robin.

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What'd you do, sweetheart?

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Mike!

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Well, I'm new in town
and don't know many people.

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But yesterday, I met the sweetest man,

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who took me on a tour of the city.

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Guys, New York is kind of cool.

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Okay, back to the G-8 conference.

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Hello?

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Mike, can I get in the shot?

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Fantastic.

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Then this cutie patootie

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took me to this bar called MacLaren's,

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right underneath his apartment.

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00:09:04,635 --> 00:09:06,970
Wait... Did you go out with Ted Mosby?

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00:09:06,971 --> 00:09:08,238
Yes!

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00:09:08,239 --> 00:09:11,007
Guys, I went out with Robin's roommate.

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I saw her bedroom.

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She's a messy Bessie.

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00:09:16,413 --> 00:09:18,715
In other news, later today,

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a Manhattan architect gets
punched in the throat.

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00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:23,620
Ow!

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Ted, of all the women in New York,

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you had to go out with
an eight-year-old girl?

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Not what it sounds like, folks.

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Ted, you know that I hate her.

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How could you go out
on a date with this girl?

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It wasn't a date.

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She came over to
the apartment looking for you.

246
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I made Robin my famous
chocolate chip cookies.

247
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But instead of chocolate chips,
I used gummie bears.

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Aww...

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A spider!

250
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Let me guess: she acted
like a helpless little girl,

251
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and you stepped in as the big, strong man.

252
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I don't know if that's totally true.

253
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It's okay, little darlin'.

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Poor spider.

255
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,031
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

256
00:10:09,733 --> 00:10:14,037
Spiders gotta die so trees can grow.

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Then I held her tight and told
her it was all gonna be okay.

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By the way, I think
I only wounded the spider.

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It crawled off into my bedroom.

260
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Wait. Is that why you slept
on the couch last night?

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Yeah, I slept.

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I'm dying out here.

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Talking like a little boy
is not working with the ladies.

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Wow, lady.

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You got some tig ol' bitties!

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Gosh!

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Your body's a perfect...

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This many.

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00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,109
Hi.

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Do you want to wrestle with our
special bathing suit places?

271
00:10:55,980 --> 00:10:58,948
Come on!

272
00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:01,651
Mm, I just need two seconds, baby.

273
00:11:01,652 --> 00:11:03,186
I know you think that's a compliment,

274
00:11:03,187 --> 00:11:04,754
but I'd rather you took your time.

275
00:11:04,755 --> 00:11:07,957
No, um... I'll be right back.

276
00:11:15,733 --> 00:11:19,402
Ancient Norse wisdom
tells us that, to sire a son,

277
00:11:19,403 --> 00:11:23,206
you must do three things right
before you lay with your maiden.

278
00:11:23,207 --> 00:11:26,109
First, eat pickled herring.

279
00:11:27,244 --> 00:11:29,112
Eat it!

280
00:11:29,113 --> 00:11:31,781
This is ridiculous.

281
00:11:34,852 --> 00:11:37,320
Gentlemen, gentlemen, on the main stage,

282
00:11:37,321 --> 00:11:38,888
throwing her life away,

283
00:11:38,889 --> 00:11:41,190
give it up for Marshall's daughter!

284
00:11:44,895 --> 00:11:47,230
Who's your granddaddy?

285
00:11:48,065 --> 00:11:49,399
That guy.

286
00:11:58,809 --> 00:12:01,411
Hey, want to have a three-way

287
00:12:01,412 --> 00:12:03,212
with me and my imaginary friend?

288
00:12:03,213 --> 00:12:05,748
His name's Otis.

289
00:12:06,984 --> 00:12:09,719
Hey, hey, want to come to my house

290
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:10,720
and play telephone?

291
00:12:10,721 --> 00:12:13,022
I got the string; you got the cans.

292
00:12:15,259 --> 00:12:17,260
I wet myself!

293
00:12:17,261 --> 00:12:18,761
Will you change me?

294
00:12:19,863 --> 00:12:21,931
Can't blame her on that one.

295
00:12:23,834 --> 00:12:25,335
Guys...

296
00:12:25,336 --> 00:12:27,537
I have some terrible, terrible news.

297
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,973
I, Barney Stinson,

298
00:12:29,974 --> 00:12:34,243
can't pick up a girl whilst
talking like a little boy.

299
00:12:34,244 --> 00:12:36,212
Challenge forfeited.

300
00:12:37,648 --> 00:12:40,083
Yeah, we don't care about this...
No one challenged you,

301
00:12:40,084 --> 00:12:41,284
so it wasn't really a challenge.

302
00:12:42,853 --> 00:12:44,520
I'm sorry.

303
00:12:44,521 --> 00:12:47,390
Hey, Gerard, what's with that shirt?

304
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,559
Nobody could pick up
a chick wearing that thing.

305
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,427
Challenge accept...

306
00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:56,499
Wow, I'm glad that's over.

307
00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:59,435
It was creepy watching Barney
talk like a little kid.

308
00:12:59,436 --> 00:13:01,704
Oh, but you find it irresistible
when Becky does?

309
00:13:01,705 --> 00:13:03,106
I don't get it.

310
00:13:03,107 --> 00:13:06,175
The Ted that I went out with was
attracted to the kind of woman

311
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:08,011
who could use a steak knife
without supervision.

312
00:13:08,012 --> 00:13:10,346
For your information,
Becky doesn't like steak,

313
00:13:10,347 --> 00:13:11,514
she likes pasghetti.

314
00:13:11,515 --> 00:13:12,749
Spaghetti.

315
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:15,284
And more importantly,
she makes me feel needed.

316
00:13:15,285 --> 00:13:16,386
Needed?

317
00:13:16,387 --> 00:13:18,721
She makes training wheels feel needed.

318
00:13:18,722 --> 00:13:21,090
Hey, it's nice to feel needed.
And you know what?

319
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:23,693
It's not a feeling guys get
when they're with you.

320
00:13:29,533 --> 00:13:30,967
Son...

321
00:13:30,968 --> 00:13:34,504
Viking lore tells us
that to ensure the continuation

322
00:13:34,505 --> 00:13:36,873
of your noble male lineage...

323
00:13:36,874 --> 00:13:39,175
Get a big old bowl of ice

324
00:13:39,176 --> 00:13:41,944
and dunk your man sack right in there!

325
00:13:42,946 --> 00:13:44,914
You two and your football.

326
00:13:50,721 --> 00:13:52,789
Okay.

327
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:56,492
Mm-hmm.

328
00:14:02,499 --> 00:14:05,735
Now get in there, point Lily due north

329
00:14:05,736 --> 00:14:08,204
and make me a grandson!

330
00:14:08,205 --> 00:14:10,640
Eriksen!

331
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:12,575
Eriksen!

332
00:14:21,618 --> 00:14:24,854
When we were dating, I...
I didn't make you feel needed?

333
00:14:24,855 --> 00:14:28,157
Come on! You always
took charge of everything.

334
00:14:29,026 --> 00:14:30,159
Oop.

335
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,994
I got this.

336
00:14:31,995 --> 00:14:33,396
Thanks.

337
00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:35,498
This okay? Am I hurting y...

338
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:36,699
- I got this.
- Whoa!

339
00:14:39,636 --> 00:14:43,372
Someone's trying to break in...
Call the cops.

340
00:14:43,373 --> 00:14:45,374
I got this.

341
00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:48,411
Did that really bother you?

342
00:14:48,412 --> 00:14:51,013
Well, yeah. It's nice to be needed.

343
00:14:51,748 --> 00:14:52,982
Look, I'm sorry.

344
00:14:52,983 --> 00:14:56,652
I didn't mean to upset you.

345
00:14:56,653 --> 00:14:57,787
It's Becky.

346
00:14:57,788 --> 00:15:00,456
Aw, she's trapped in a revolving door.

347
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,259
I got this.

348
00:15:04,228 --> 00:15:05,561
Yeah.

349
00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:10,166
Let's make a baby!

350
00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:12,435
Mm, mm, mm, mm! Whoa!

351
00:15:12,436 --> 00:15:14,604
Baby, you're packing snowballs,

352
00:15:14,605 --> 00:15:17,006
and your breath smells like a mermaid fart.

353
00:15:17,007 --> 00:15:19,942
Loving the dirty talk... But
you know what's even hotter?

354
00:15:19,943 --> 00:15:21,577
If we face this-a-way.

355
00:15:21,578 --> 00:15:23,179
Ooh, we're bad.

356
00:15:23,180 --> 00:15:24,914
Wait... hey, baby,

357
00:15:24,915 --> 00:15:26,782
why are you facing me north?

358
00:15:27,751 --> 00:15:30,586
You're trying to make us have a boy.

359
00:15:30,587 --> 00:15:33,022
I... can ex...

360
00:15:33,023 --> 00:15:35,825
How do you know about the north thing?

361
00:15:35,826 --> 00:15:37,326
Um, um...

362
00:15:37,327 --> 00:15:39,962
And what are you doing with those lemons?

363
00:15:41,298 --> 00:15:43,432
Baby girl fertilizer!

364
00:15:43,433 --> 00:15:46,169
You're trying to make us have a girl!

365
00:15:50,047 --> 00:15:52,382
You are trying to make us have a girl.

366
00:15:52,383 --> 00:15:54,851
All my least favorite students
have been boys.

367
00:15:54,852 --> 00:15:57,721
So I Googled "how to make a girl"...

368
00:15:57,722 --> 00:16:00,357
some really weird stuff came up...

369
00:16:00,358 --> 00:16:03,393
But finally, I found
this conception website

370
00:16:03,394 --> 00:16:04,628
that said you should...

371
00:16:04,629 --> 00:16:07,664
Point south at the moment of conception...

372
00:16:07,665 --> 00:16:09,232
Eat a lemon...

373
00:16:12,804 --> 00:16:17,207
And heat up your lady parts
to a balmy 105 degrees.

374
00:16:21,112 --> 00:16:23,180
Ooh... Ah...

375
00:16:23,181 --> 00:16:25,449
Oh, that's not bad.

376
00:16:27,251 --> 00:16:28,985
Eriksen!

377
00:16:31,689 --> 00:16:33,690
Lily, how could you do...

378
00:16:33,691 --> 00:16:35,392
exactly the same thing I did?

379
00:16:35,393 --> 00:16:37,527
You're supposed to be the sane one.

380
00:16:37,528 --> 00:16:39,863
See that?
Another boy expecting a woman

381
00:16:39,864 --> 00:16:41,331
to clean up his mistakes.

382
00:16:41,332 --> 00:16:43,700
That's why girls are way better than boys.

383
00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:45,235
Oh, really. Well, then how
come whenever there's

384
00:16:45,236 --> 00:16:47,604
a creepy kid in a horror movie
it's always a little girl?

385
00:16:47,605 --> 00:16:49,206
Or twin girls, who speak...

386
00:16:49,207 --> 00:16:51,475
In unison.

387
00:16:51,476 --> 00:16:53,343
Oh, well, what about Chucky?

388
00:16:53,344 --> 00:16:55,512
Okay, A) He was a doll;

389
00:16:55,513 --> 00:16:58,815
B) He was possessed
by an adult serial killer;

390
00:16:58,816 --> 00:17:02,853
and C) How could you bring up
Chucky right before bed?

391
00:17:06,090 --> 00:17:08,291
- Hey.
- Hey.

392
00:17:08,292 --> 00:17:10,994
Hey. Um, when we were dating,

393
00:17:10,995 --> 00:17:13,330
did... Did I make you feel needed?

394
00:17:13,331 --> 00:17:16,366
No, I didn't feel like
you needed me at all.

395
00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:18,668
That's what I thought.

396
00:17:18,669 --> 00:17:21,872
- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Wait, where are you...

397
00:17:21,873 --> 00:17:23,974
That's a compliment.

398
00:17:23,975 --> 00:17:27,344
You are the least needy woman
I've ever met... That's awesome.

399
00:17:27,345 --> 00:17:29,446
I mean, no guy's gonna say.

400
00:17:29,447 --> 00:17:31,147
"Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky.

401
00:17:31,148 --> 00:17:32,582
You're your own daddy.

402
00:17:32,583 --> 00:17:34,117
And mommy.

403
00:17:34,118 --> 00:17:36,887
And weird survivalist uncle
who lives in a cabin

404
00:17:36,888 --> 00:17:39,422
with a shotgun
blaming stuff on the government.

405
00:17:41,893 --> 00:17:44,728
And that is what makes you the most...

406
00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:48,031
Amazing, strong...

407
00:17:48,032 --> 00:17:51,301
independent woman I've ever banged.

408
00:17:51,302 --> 00:17:52,869
Thanks, Barney.

409
00:17:53,638 --> 00:17:55,171
You know, um...

410
00:17:55,172 --> 00:17:57,607
there's something that I wanted to ask you,

411
00:17:57,608 --> 00:18:02,312
and I don't really know how
to say it so... Here goes.

412
00:18:03,114 --> 00:18:06,149
Who's the crazy chick in the apron?

413
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:09,653
Someone naughty left his toys on the floor

414
00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:13,557
and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush.

415
00:18:15,927 --> 00:18:18,728
Uh-oh, I'm in "twubble."

416
00:18:18,729 --> 00:18:20,764
You did it? How?

417
00:18:20,765 --> 00:18:22,332
Last night, after admitting defeat,

418
00:18:22,333 --> 00:18:24,734
I just let myself go.

419
00:18:24,735 --> 00:18:26,503
Mmm, that looks so good.

420
00:18:26,504 --> 00:18:27,871
Can I have some?

421
00:18:27,872 --> 00:18:29,105
No!

422
00:18:29,106 --> 00:18:31,841
It's my ice cream; you can't have any.

423
00:18:31,842 --> 00:18:35,412
Someone needs
to teach you how to share.

424
00:18:37,281 --> 00:18:41,051
Who's your mommy?

425
00:18:44,989 --> 00:18:46,890
Challenge completed!

426
00:18:46,891 --> 00:18:49,192
Now, uh, can you get

427
00:18:49,193 --> 00:18:51,061
this freak out of here? I'm really scared.

428
00:18:51,062 --> 00:18:53,096
I got this.

429
00:18:58,436 --> 00:19:00,670
Oh, so you finally agreed on a name?

430
00:19:00,671 --> 00:19:03,073
Uh, well,

431
00:19:03,074 --> 00:19:06,610
the other night she ran
a really high fever.

432
00:19:06,611 --> 00:19:08,445
We rushed her to the emergency room

433
00:19:08,446 --> 00:19:10,547
at 3:00 in the morning, but they wouldn't

434
00:19:10,548 --> 00:19:14,217
admit her without a name.

435
00:19:14,218 --> 00:19:18,755
Right then and there, we
realized how stupid we were being.

436
00:19:18,756 --> 00:19:20,790
We looked at each other

437
00:19:20,791 --> 00:19:22,826
and, well, we just knew.

438
00:19:22,827 --> 00:19:24,828
Our baby's name is...

439
00:19:24,829 --> 00:19:26,463
- Esther.
- Esther.

440
00:19:26,464 --> 00:19:28,398
Esther?

441
00:19:28,399 --> 00:19:31,001
Esther!

442
00:19:31,002 --> 00:19:32,702
That's beautiful.

443
00:19:32,703 --> 00:19:34,170
Yeah.

444
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,941
We're idiots.

445
00:19:37,942 --> 00:19:41,177
Baby, names and gender, it's just, like...

446
00:19:41,178 --> 00:19:43,780
it's some way of giving
ourselves the illusion

447
00:19:43,781 --> 00:19:45,882
that we have any control whatsoever.

448
00:19:45,883 --> 00:19:48,952
I... I just want a healthy,
happy, 12-pound...

449
00:19:48,953 --> 00:19:50,720
Whoa.

450
00:19:50,721 --> 00:19:52,322
Ten-pound?

451
00:19:53,124 --> 00:19:54,491
Eight-pound?

452
00:19:54,492 --> 00:19:56,126
I guess, but, dude,

453
00:19:56,127 --> 00:19:58,828
you're writing checks my vagina can't cash.

454
00:19:59,864 --> 00:20:01,598
I love you.

455
00:20:01,599 --> 00:20:05,235
And I'm gonna love the crap
out of whatever baby we have.

456
00:20:05,236 --> 00:20:06,403
Me, too.

457
00:20:11,809 --> 00:20:13,510
You know what?

458
00:20:13,511 --> 00:20:17,013
We should just think of a name that's
good for either a girl or a boy.

459
00:20:17,014 --> 00:20:18,014
Like, um...

460
00:20:18,015 --> 00:20:20,350
- Jamie.
- Jamie.

461
00:20:20,351 --> 00:20:22,052
Marshall...

462
00:20:22,053 --> 00:20:24,354
We just named our baby.

463
00:20:25,256 --> 00:20:26,423
Jamie.

464
00:20:26,424 --> 00:20:27,857
- Mmm...
- Mmm...

465
00:20:30,027 --> 00:20:31,728
Not Jamie.

466
00:20:40,682 --> 00:20:42,766
Shoe's untied. I got it.

467
00:20:52,974 --> 00:20:55,576
Yeah, this is over.

468
00:20:57,325 --> 00:20:58,390
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