1
00:00:00,457 --> 00:00:03,459
Thanks for dinner tonight,
the food was great.
2
00:00:03,460 --> 00:00:05,999
Well, when you get the restaurant's
number off a bathroom stall
3
00:00:06,111 --> 00:00:07,594
At an overeaters anonymous
meeting,
4
00:00:07,595 --> 00:00:08,929
You know it's gonna be good.
5
00:00:09,931 --> 00:00:13,634
Well, I guess this is
the "awkward moment"
6
00:00:13,635 --> 00:00:15,269
Portion of the evening.
7
00:00:15,270 --> 00:00:17,671
Yep.
The looming question:
8
00:00:17,672 --> 00:00:20,324
Who gets the leftovers?
9
00:00:21,476 --> 00:00:23,944
You want to come
in for a while?
10
00:00:23,945 --> 00:00:25,079
Uh, are your mom
and sister home?
11
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,347
They're probably asleep.
Let me check.
12
00:00:28,349 --> 00:00:30,317
Hey!
13
00:00:30,318 --> 00:00:33,020
Did you guys do it yet?
14
00:00:35,757 --> 00:00:38,058
Not asleep.
15
00:00:38,059 --> 00:00:41,395
But we can still
hang out in my room.
16
00:00:41,396 --> 00:00:44,098
So we'd have to walk right
past the two of them, right?
17
00:00:44,099 --> 00:00:46,967
Well, unless you
own a jet pack.
18
00:00:46,968 --> 00:00:48,669
It just feels
kind of unsavory.
19
00:00:48,670 --> 00:00:50,471
Why? We're not doing
anything wrong.
20
00:00:50,472 --> 00:00:52,039
That's true.
We're just two grown people
21
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,508
Out on a date that aren't ready
to say good night yet.
22
00:00:54,509 --> 00:00:56,310
Exactly.
Shall we?
23
00:00:56,311 --> 00:00:58,245
Let's do it.
24
00:01:01,015 --> 00:01:03,784
Hey!
25
00:01:10,258 --> 00:01:11,391
Okay, how 'bout this?
26
00:01:11,392 --> 00:01:12,960
Saturday night, you
come over to my place.
27
00:01:12,961 --> 00:01:14,928
That way we don't have to
worry about the smurfs,
28
00:01:14,929 --> 00:01:17,865
And, uh, we can relax and
do whatever we want to do.
29
00:01:17,866 --> 00:01:19,600
"whatever we want to do," huh?
30
00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,468
Absolutely.
31
00:01:21,469 --> 00:01:22,436
Why are you smiling?
32
00:01:22,437 --> 00:01:23,570
Why are you smiling?
33
00:01:23,571 --> 00:01:26,406
I'm smiling 'cause
I get the leftovers.
34
00:01:26,407 --> 00:01:30,110
Come here, you.
35
00:01:30,111 --> 00:01:34,948
♪ for the first time
in my life ♪
36
00:01:34,949 --> 00:01:38,152
♪ I see love. ♪
37
00:01:38,153 --> 00:01:44,153
-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/
38
00:01:50,282 --> 00:01:52,200
So, you got any plans
for this weekend?
39
00:01:52,201 --> 00:01:54,352
I promised my grandma
I'd clean out the garage.
40
00:01:54,353 --> 00:01:56,187
I thought you cleaned
the garage last weekend.
41
00:01:56,188 --> 00:01:57,522
I'm kind of
dragging my feet.
42
00:01:57,523 --> 00:01:58,656
I'm afraid once I get it done,
43
00:01:58,657 --> 00:02:00,858
She's gonna make me
live out there.
44
00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:02,360
Yeah, like in the army,
45
00:02:02,361 --> 00:02:04,562
When the enemy makes you
dig your own grave.
46
00:02:04,563 --> 00:02:06,898
Exactly. So, what
are you up to?
47
00:02:06,899 --> 00:02:07,999
Ah, not much.
48
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,600
Molly's coming over
Saturday night.
49
00:02:09,601 --> 00:02:12,570
You dirty, dirty dog.
50
00:02:13,439 --> 00:02:14,939
All right.
51
00:02:14,940 --> 00:02:16,174
I told you he'd get laid
52
00:02:16,175 --> 00:02:18,409
Before the cubs won
a world series.
53
00:02:20,229 --> 00:02:22,480
Now is your apartment ready
for entertaining a lady?
54
00:02:22,481 --> 00:02:24,198
'cause the last time
I saw your bathtub,
55
00:02:24,199 --> 00:02:26,150
It looked like
you'd washed a gorilla in it.
56
00:02:26,151 --> 00:02:27,535
Don't worry.
57
00:02:27,536 --> 00:02:30,355
I'm going after it with a
grill brush and some degreaser.
58
00:02:30,356 --> 00:02:32,657
Plus, I'm buying a new
shower curtain, nice sheets
59
00:02:32,658 --> 00:02:35,994
And some of that liquid soap
that the ladies seem to favor.
60
00:02:35,995 --> 00:02:38,129
Good idea.
61
00:02:38,130 --> 00:02:39,764
Now you don't have to worry
about plucking your pubes
62
00:02:39,765 --> 00:02:41,332
Out of the irish spring.
63
00:02:43,168 --> 00:02:45,603
Oh, that is tedious work.
64
00:02:45,604 --> 00:02:47,071
I live with
five roommates.
65
00:02:47,072 --> 00:02:51,409
Our soap looks
like a wet cat.
66
00:02:51,410 --> 00:02:52,710
I also cleaned the oven,
67
00:02:52,711 --> 00:02:54,846
Vacuumed all the skittles
out of the couch cushions,
68
00:02:54,847 --> 00:02:56,681
And I'm buying drapes
for the bedroom window.
69
00:02:56,682 --> 00:02:58,149
Those drapes should have
happened years ago.
70
00:02:58,150 --> 00:03:00,451
I'm surprised your neighbors
didn't start a petition.
71
00:03:01,653 --> 00:03:03,688
What about candles or incense?
72
00:03:03,689 --> 00:03:06,391
Way ahead of you-- I put
an airwick on the toilet tank.
73
00:03:06,392 --> 00:03:07,925
Mango-kiwi.
74
00:03:07,926 --> 00:03:10,962
It's like having a luau
on your crapper.
75
00:03:12,798 --> 00:03:15,066
Well, that's fine
for knocking back the funk,
76
00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:18,002
But candles also
help create a mood.
77
00:03:18,003 --> 00:03:20,505
A sensual ambiance,
if you will.
78
00:03:20,506 --> 00:03:23,875
Is that why I get aroused
when I see a birthday cake?
79
00:03:27,579 --> 00:03:29,814
No.
No.
80
00:03:31,917 --> 00:03:33,684
But while we're
talking about food,
81
00:03:33,685 --> 00:03:35,753
You're gonna need a bottle of
champagne and some strawberries.
82
00:03:35,754 --> 00:03:36,771
Strawberries?
83
00:03:36,772 --> 00:03:38,022
Big-ass strawberries.
84
00:03:38,023 --> 00:03:39,557
I don't know why,
but it drives the ladies wild.
85
00:03:39,558 --> 00:03:43,494
You'd think
it would be bananas.
86
00:03:44,596 --> 00:03:46,597
Yeah, a banana
and a couple of plums
87
00:03:46,598 --> 00:03:48,149
Laid out on the coffee table.
88
00:03:48,150 --> 00:03:51,169
Mm-hmm. It should get
their motor running.
89
00:03:51,170 --> 00:03:54,272
Women are such
mysterious creatures.
90
00:03:54,273 --> 00:03:56,908
Beautiful,
unsolvable mysteries.
91
00:03:56,909 --> 00:03:59,177
Like those big
alien crop circles.
92
00:03:59,178 --> 00:04:01,846
But with nipples.
93
00:04:05,184 --> 00:04:08,052
All right-- strawberries,
candles, champagne.
94
00:04:08,053 --> 00:04:09,320
Anything else?
95
00:04:09,321 --> 00:04:10,855
Um, whipped cream--
you know, in case
96
00:04:10,856 --> 00:04:12,657
You want
to "freak it up" a notch.
97
00:04:12,658 --> 00:04:15,359
I'm trying
to stay away from sweets.
98
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:16,761
Then get fat-free.
99
00:04:16,762 --> 00:04:20,431
You don't have to blow your
diet to get your kink on.
100
00:04:20,432 --> 00:04:21,833
But don't forget the
four silk scarves,
101
00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:23,468
So she can tie
you to the bed,
102
00:04:23,469 --> 00:04:24,802
And one large
ostrich feather
103
00:04:24,803 --> 00:04:27,371
To be used on the
underside of your scrotum.
104
00:04:32,277 --> 00:04:33,444
You're not there yet.
105
00:04:33,445 --> 00:04:34,979
Okay, that's cool.
106
00:04:39,184 --> 00:04:41,018
Don't forget to take a
pair of clean underwear,
107
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:42,954
So if you do spend the
night, you're prepared.
108
00:04:42,955 --> 00:04:44,388
But I don't
want him to think
109
00:04:44,389 --> 00:04:46,057
I was planning
on spending the night.
110
00:04:46,058 --> 00:04:47,925
Oh, molly, there's
a lot of reasons a gal
111
00:04:47,926 --> 00:04:49,794
Keeps an extra pair
of drawers in her purse.
112
00:04:49,795 --> 00:04:52,563
Some good, some bad.
Let him decide.
113
00:04:52,564 --> 00:04:54,999
I can't believe
how nervous I am.
114
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,901
Well, then throw in
another pair of panties.
115
00:04:56,902 --> 00:04:58,603
Better safe than smelly.
116
00:05:00,172 --> 00:05:02,106
Mom, please, you're not helping.
117
00:05:02,107 --> 00:05:05,042
Oh honey, relax.
It's just sex.
118
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:08,312
I know it's been a while,
but it's like riding a bike.
119
00:05:08,313 --> 00:05:11,782
You know, if instead of wheels,
the bike had two balls.
120
00:05:13,819 --> 00:05:16,070
How long has
it been, honey?
121
00:05:16,071 --> 00:05:17,155
I don't know.
122
00:05:17,156 --> 00:05:21,559
18 months,
four days, five hours.
123
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,545
Wow. You're lucky it's
not like pierced ears,
124
00:05:24,546 --> 00:05:26,831
Where the holes
grow shut.
125
00:05:28,333 --> 00:05:31,586
That'd be an embarrassing
trip back to the mall.
126
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,424
Whoa, you can't let this guy
127
00:05:36,425 --> 00:05:38,809
See you wearing that big
ol' pair of granny panties.
128
00:05:38,810 --> 00:05:40,211
Don't you have a thong?
129
00:05:40,212 --> 00:05:42,547
I'm not wearing
a thong, Victoria.
130
00:05:42,548 --> 00:05:43,681
How bout a bustier?
131
00:05:43,682 --> 00:05:46,317
How about two band-aids
and a cork?
132
00:05:47,553 --> 00:05:48,686
You know what?
133
00:05:48,687 --> 00:05:50,655
I'm just going to
finish this up by myself.
134
00:05:50,656 --> 00:05:52,823
Why don't you two go watch TV
135
00:05:52,824 --> 00:05:56,160
Or bat a dead mouse
around the kitchen floor?
136
00:05:56,161 --> 00:05:57,995
No, we want
to help you.
137
00:05:57,996 --> 00:06:01,499
Which reminds me,
have you trimmed the hedges?
138
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:03,267
What are you talking about?
139
00:06:03,268 --> 00:06:04,602
Well...
140
00:06:04,603 --> 00:06:07,738
You tend to get a little
"shaggy in your Scooby-doo."
141
00:06:09,341 --> 00:06:11,676
I'm not having
this conversation with you.
142
00:06:11,677 --> 00:06:13,010
Mom?
143
00:06:13,011 --> 00:06:14,578
Listen, princess,
144
00:06:14,579 --> 00:06:17,298
You don't want him
to get lost in the weeds
145
00:06:17,299 --> 00:06:19,584
Trying to find
the pumpkin patch.
146
00:06:20,786 --> 00:06:22,970
Have you ever
heard the expression,
147
00:06:22,971 --> 00:06:25,022
"does the carpet
match the drapes?"
148
00:06:25,023 --> 00:06:28,626
Only when shopping for
carpeting or drapes.
149
00:06:28,627 --> 00:06:29,794
Well, just so you know,
150
00:06:29,795 --> 00:06:32,163
Practically nobody
has carpeting anymore.
151
00:06:33,198 --> 00:06:35,983
Just a tiny little area rug
near the entry way.
152
00:06:39,621 --> 00:06:41,806
Look, I have no interest
in pouring hot wax
153
00:06:41,807 --> 00:06:44,041
On my lady business
and ripping all the hair out.
154
00:06:44,042 --> 00:06:47,645
18 months, four days,
five hours, sweetie.
155
00:06:47,646 --> 00:06:50,047
I can have that wax
heated up lickety split.
156
00:06:50,048 --> 00:06:53,217
And then he can get
at it lickety split.
157
00:06:54,653 --> 00:06:56,504
All right, maybe
a little off the sides.
158
00:06:56,505 --> 00:06:58,139
But we should probably
have a safe word.
159
00:06:58,140 --> 00:07:01,859
Well, I always just scream,
"ouch, my hoo-hah!"
160
00:07:04,062 --> 00:07:06,264
Right this way.
161
00:07:13,438 --> 00:07:15,439
Why you walking funny?
162
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,375
I pulled a muscle at the gym.
163
00:07:17,376 --> 00:07:18,576
Feeling the burn, huh?
164
00:07:18,577 --> 00:07:21,212
You have no idea.
165
00:07:25,651 --> 00:07:27,952
Here we are.
Chez mike.
166
00:07:27,953 --> 00:07:29,420
After you, my lady.
167
00:07:29,421 --> 00:07:30,488
Thank you, sir.
168
00:07:30,489 --> 00:07:32,990
The humble digs
of an honest cop.
169
00:07:32,991 --> 00:07:35,593
Very ni-- oh!
170
00:07:35,594 --> 00:07:38,379
Very nice.
I love the hardwood floors.
171
00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:41,098
Yeah, when I first moved in,
it was wall-to-wall shag.
172
00:07:41,099 --> 00:07:43,167
Took two guys all day
to yank that stuff up.
173
00:07:43,168 --> 00:07:44,869
They were tearing'
and pulling'...
174
00:07:44,870 --> 00:07:47,038
I get it, I get it, I get it.
175
00:07:48,707 --> 00:07:50,908
So, how long have
you lived here?
176
00:07:50,909 --> 00:07:54,211
I found this place
a few years ago.
177
00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:57,531
It's a funny story.
It was actually a crime scene.
178
00:07:57,532 --> 00:07:59,483
Murder-suicide.
179
00:07:59,484 --> 00:08:01,619
Gay couple.
Been together since the '70s,
180
00:08:01,620 --> 00:08:03,854
Hence the shag carpeting.
181
00:08:04,690 --> 00:08:05,690
Anyway,
182
00:08:05,691 --> 00:08:07,491
I guess one of
the fellas came home
183
00:08:07,492 --> 00:08:08,859
From a seven-day
carnival cruise
184
00:08:08,860 --> 00:08:11,362
And found the other
one in flagrante
185
00:08:11,363 --> 00:08:13,964
With what was either
a man or a woman.
186
00:08:13,965 --> 00:08:16,217
All we found
was a bloody footprint
187
00:08:16,218 --> 00:08:19,170
From a size 16
cha-cha heel.
188
00:08:20,305 --> 00:08:23,441
I guess that story's
more tragic than it is funny.
189
00:08:23,442 --> 00:08:26,777
As murder-suicides tend to be.
190
00:08:34,519 --> 00:08:38,856
Would you like a
glass of champagne?
191
00:08:42,361 --> 00:08:43,928
Not right now.
192
00:08:43,929 --> 00:08:45,096
Yeah, probably not a good idea.
193
00:08:45,097 --> 00:08:46,831
The bubbles make me
a little gassy.
194
00:08:46,832 --> 00:08:48,966
How 'bout we just talk?
195
00:08:48,967 --> 00:08:51,168
Sure, talking's good.
196
00:08:59,211 --> 00:09:01,212
Oh, I forgot
the strawberries.
197
00:09:01,213 --> 00:09:02,346
You want a strawberry?
198
00:09:02,347 --> 00:09:04,415
No, thank you.
You sure?
199
00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:06,117
They're the big ones.
Size of your fist.
200
00:09:06,118 --> 00:09:09,086
Like a bowl of big,
red baby heads.
201
00:09:10,021 --> 00:09:11,489
I'm fine for now.
202
00:09:11,490 --> 00:09:12,556
All right, well,
203
00:09:12,557 --> 00:09:14,492
Let me know if you
change your mind.
204
00:09:20,732 --> 00:09:22,767
Are you nervous at all?
205
00:09:22,768 --> 00:09:25,870
I'm a walking pit stain.
206
00:09:25,871 --> 00:09:28,339
Me, too.
It's just been so long
207
00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:32,209
Since I've been alone with
a man in his apartment.
208
00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:33,544
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
209
00:09:33,545 --> 00:09:35,479
The last time there was
a woman in this apartment,
210
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,048
She was a he, and someone
got bludgeoned to death.
211
00:09:41,153 --> 00:09:43,888
Not exactly the comfort
I was looking for,
212
00:09:43,889 --> 00:09:46,457
But nice to know.
213
00:09:46,458 --> 00:09:47,958
Molly?
214
00:09:47,959 --> 00:09:49,293
Yeah?
215
00:09:49,294 --> 00:09:50,644
Promise me
216
00:09:50,645 --> 00:09:52,763
That no matter
what happens tonight,
217
00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:54,899
You'll look at my bathtub
and my shower curtain.
218
00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:56,734
They're impeccable.
219
00:10:01,206 --> 00:10:02,873
The machine'll get it.
220
00:10:02,874 --> 00:10:04,308
Hi, this is mike.
221
00:10:04,309 --> 00:10:05,976
I can't come
to the phone right now.
222
00:10:05,977 --> 00:10:07,244
Please leave me a message.
223
00:10:07,245 --> 00:10:08,512
Hey, angel face.
224
00:10:08,513 --> 00:10:10,147
It's mommy calling.
225
00:10:10,148 --> 00:10:13,284
Listen, I went to Costco today
'cause they were having a sale
226
00:10:13,285 --> 00:10:15,186
On those padded toilet seats,
227
00:10:15,187 --> 00:10:17,555
And I remembered
how much you admired mine.
228
00:10:20,292 --> 00:10:23,727
Anyway, I picked one up for you,
so now you don't have to worry
229
00:10:23,728 --> 00:10:26,680
About those giant, red rings
you get around your bottom.
230
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:30,351
Hey, mom. How are you?
231
00:10:30,352 --> 00:10:32,436
No, no.
I just walked in the door.
232
00:10:32,437 --> 00:10:35,272
Oh, sorry. I can't.
I have company.
233
00:10:35,273 --> 00:10:37,508
No, it's not Carl.
234
00:10:37,509 --> 00:10:38,742
Well, you don't know her.
235
00:10:38,743 --> 00:10:40,478
Yes, I said "her."
236
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,181
Look, mom, can we please
talk about this later?
237
00:10:44,182 --> 00:10:45,449
I promise, I'll call you back.
238
00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:46,917
All right. You, too.
239
00:10:46,918 --> 00:10:48,719
I did say it.
240
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,955
I love you, too.
241
00:10:52,524 --> 00:10:54,158
Everything all right?
242
00:10:54,159 --> 00:10:56,660
Yeah, fine.
Now, uh...
243
00:10:56,661 --> 00:10:57,928
Where were we?
244
00:10:57,929 --> 00:11:00,965
I think we were
somewhere right...
245
00:11:00,966 --> 00:11:03,200
oh...
246
00:11:04,669 --> 00:11:06,921
...Right about here.
247
00:11:11,710 --> 00:11:13,477
I am so sorry about this.
248
00:11:13,478 --> 00:11:16,146
Mom, I told you
I'd call you tomorrow.
249
00:11:16,147 --> 00:11:17,581
What?
250
00:11:17,582 --> 00:11:19,016
Oh, my god.
251
00:11:19,017 --> 00:11:20,417
Listen, hang up and dial 911.
252
00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:21,552
I'll be right there.
253
00:11:21,553 --> 00:11:22,719
What happened?
254
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:23,904
She's having chest pains.
255
00:11:23,905 --> 00:11:26,390
Really? She was fine just
a couple of seconds ago.
256
00:11:26,391 --> 00:11:27,575
What can I tell you?
257
00:11:27,576 --> 00:11:28,859
She's old, she's frail.
258
00:11:28,860 --> 00:11:31,245
While we're talking about it,
she could be dying.
259
00:11:31,246 --> 00:11:33,897
Ooh, candles.
Oh, right.
260
00:11:38,587 --> 00:11:41,005
You call that a check,
you pansy-ass canuck?
261
00:11:41,006 --> 00:11:43,674
If you can't play the game,
get off the ice.
262
00:11:52,817 --> 00:11:54,385
Mom, are you okay?
263
00:11:54,386 --> 00:11:56,153
Mikey, you shouldn't have come.
264
00:11:56,154 --> 00:11:57,388
Did you call an ambulance?
265
00:11:57,389 --> 00:11:59,924
No, I don't want to bother
anybody.
266
00:11:59,925 --> 00:12:00,958
It's not bothering anybody.
267
00:12:00,959 --> 00:12:02,760
We need to get you
to the hospital.
268
00:12:02,761 --> 00:12:05,362
What?
And pay some quack 800 bucks
269
00:12:05,363 --> 00:12:08,732
To stick his thumb
in my keister?
270
00:12:08,733 --> 00:12:10,100
Thumb?
271
00:12:10,101 --> 00:12:11,368
Leave it alone.
272
00:12:12,537 --> 00:12:15,105
Who's that man with you?
273
00:12:19,544 --> 00:12:21,946
Mom, this is molly.
274
00:12:21,947 --> 00:12:24,548
I'm sorry, darling,
I'm blind as a bat.
275
00:12:24,549 --> 00:12:26,250
Oh, you are a girl.
276
00:12:26,251 --> 00:12:28,185
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Biggs.
277
00:12:28,186 --> 00:12:29,553
I'm sorry
you're not feeling well.
278
00:12:29,554 --> 00:12:30,788
Thank you, dear.
279
00:12:30,789 --> 00:12:32,823
Ah, I see what it was.
280
00:12:32,824 --> 00:12:34,325
The shadow from your nose
281
00:12:34,326 --> 00:12:36,694
Makes it look like
you have a mustache.
282
00:13:08,014 --> 00:13:10,866
Mom, please,
you need to see a doctor.
283
00:13:10,867 --> 00:13:12,551
No, I don't
trust doctors.
284
00:13:12,552 --> 00:13:16,922
They just want to saw you open
or diddle with your innards.
285
00:13:16,923 --> 00:13:19,658
Mrs. Biggs, it wouldn't hurt
to at least get checked out.
286
00:13:19,659 --> 00:13:21,726
Oh, I've lived through
worse pain than this.
287
00:13:21,727 --> 00:13:25,630
Mikey came out 14 pounds
and sideways.
288
00:13:26,899 --> 00:13:30,101
I'm lucky I can
keep any food inside me.
289
00:13:31,971 --> 00:13:34,606
Can I offer you one of my famous
seven-layer cookies?
290
00:13:34,607 --> 00:13:36,007
No, thank you.
291
00:13:36,008 --> 00:13:38,109
Please, can't we just go in
for a few tests,
292
00:13:38,110 --> 00:13:39,477
-just to be safe?
-No.
293
00:13:39,478 --> 00:13:41,780
No tests. No thumbs.
294
00:13:41,781 --> 00:13:45,150
Thumbs?
What doctor is she seeing?
295
00:13:45,151 --> 00:13:47,986
I said leave it alone.
296
00:13:49,722 --> 00:13:52,324
Mom, you gotta stop
giving that dog beer.
297
00:13:52,325 --> 00:13:53,959
That's not Jim.
298
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,528
Jim's are more bacon-y.
299
00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,265
Well, it wasn't me.
300
00:14:03,402 --> 00:14:05,303
Hey.
Mom!
301
00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:06,605
What?
302
00:14:06,606 --> 00:14:09,040
Process of elimination.
303
00:14:09,041 --> 00:14:10,809
But if you're
gonna blame the dog,
304
00:14:10,810 --> 00:14:14,279
I'll go get my portable oxygen
tank and take him for a walk.
305
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,814
No, no, you sit.
I'll take him.
306
00:14:15,815 --> 00:14:17,349
Okay.
307
00:14:18,517 --> 00:14:20,252
Remember not to rush him
or squeeze him
308
00:14:20,253 --> 00:14:22,787
Or eyeball him
when he's in the middle of one.
309
00:14:22,788 --> 00:14:25,523
I know the drill, ma.
310
00:14:26,726 --> 00:14:28,126
I'll be right back.
311
00:14:28,127 --> 00:14:29,461
Hurry.
312
00:14:42,208 --> 00:14:46,344
So is this the house
mike grew up in?
313
00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:48,613
Yep.
314
00:14:48,614 --> 00:14:51,783
I wish I would have known him
when he was a little boy.
315
00:14:51,784 --> 00:14:55,420
Really? And would you still be
the same age you are now?
316
00:14:55,421 --> 00:14:57,122
What? No.
317
00:14:57,123 --> 00:14:58,823
I-I was just saying
318
00:14:58,824 --> 00:15:01,493
It would have been fun
to have seen him as a kid,
319
00:15:01,494 --> 00:15:04,262
Riding his bike,
playing kickball.
320
00:15:04,263 --> 00:15:06,731
I get it.
You like 'em young.
321
00:15:12,138 --> 00:15:14,439
I love your house.
322
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,207
Sweet little place.
323
00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:19,110
Very inviting.
324
00:15:20,980 --> 00:15:22,714
It was paradise
for a while.
325
00:15:22,715 --> 00:15:24,683
Then that rat-bastard
husband of mine
326
00:15:24,684 --> 00:15:26,017
Ran off with a two-dollar whore
327
00:15:26,018 --> 00:15:27,886
And left me with a mortgage
I couldn't afford
328
00:15:27,887 --> 00:15:31,790
And a 16-year-old boy who ate
cereal with a snow shovel.
329
00:15:33,659 --> 00:15:37,495
Any more family history
you want to dredge up?
330
00:15:37,496 --> 00:15:41,466
No, that should hold me
for a while.
331
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:44,536
You know, it's weird Mikey's
never mentioned you before.
332
00:15:44,537 --> 00:15:46,571
I'm sure it just slipped
his mind.
333
00:15:46,572 --> 00:15:49,441
Why would he be ashamed of you?
334
00:15:49,442 --> 00:15:51,876
Cookie?
335
00:15:51,877 --> 00:15:55,363
Yeah, I'll have a cookie.
336
00:15:58,284 --> 00:16:00,285
Hmm.
337
00:16:00,286 --> 00:16:03,121
And you said these were famous?
338
00:16:12,298 --> 00:16:14,899
Do you want to just
take me home?
339
00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:17,502
No, no, the night's
still young.
340
00:16:17,503 --> 00:16:19,670
You sure?
You seem a little preoccupied.
341
00:16:19,671 --> 00:16:21,206
I'll be fine.
342
00:16:21,207 --> 00:16:23,274
It's just natural
to worry about her.
343
00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:24,609
I get that.
344
00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:29,280
But she seems to be built
from pretty tough lumber.
345
00:16:29,281 --> 00:16:31,282
You'd think, but
after my dad left,
346
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,151
She's been like a
little lost bird.
347
00:16:33,152 --> 00:16:34,319
A crow.
348
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,520
What?
349
00:16:35,521 --> 00:16:37,322
Nothing.
350
00:16:37,323 --> 00:16:40,525
But didn't you tell me your dad
ran off, like, 20 years ago?
351
00:16:40,526 --> 00:16:41,960
Leaving the two
of us alone
352
00:16:41,961 --> 00:16:44,195
While he went off to
Florida with that hooker.
353
00:16:44,196 --> 00:16:46,464
Can you imagine leaving
my dear, sweet mother
354
00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:49,634
For a prostitute?
355
00:16:49,635 --> 00:16:52,504
Can you?
356
00:16:52,505 --> 00:16:53,872
Molly?
357
00:16:53,873 --> 00:16:57,475
No. God, no.
358
00:16:59,512 --> 00:17:01,813
Mike.
Yeah.
359
00:17:01,814 --> 00:17:03,114
I think that's enough.
360
00:17:03,115 --> 00:17:05,984
It's starting to feel like
midnight mass in here.
361
00:17:05,985 --> 00:17:07,485
Oh, okay.
362
00:17:07,486 --> 00:17:08,720
How are the strawberries?
363
00:17:08,721 --> 00:17:09,904
Are they big enough?
364
00:17:09,905 --> 00:17:11,890
I guess.
365
00:17:13,459 --> 00:17:15,560
Why don't you sit down
and try and relax.
366
00:17:15,561 --> 00:17:16,694
Right. I'm sorry.
367
00:17:16,695 --> 00:17:18,580
I'm just a little
distracted by my mom.
368
00:17:18,581 --> 00:17:20,231
I'm sure she's fine.
369
00:17:20,232 --> 00:17:22,033
I don't know, sometimes
she puts on a brave face,
370
00:17:22,034 --> 00:17:23,234
So I won't worry.
371
00:17:23,235 --> 00:17:28,373
Well, I think that face
is just her face.
372
00:17:30,676 --> 00:17:32,243
But I think it's really sweet
373
00:17:32,244 --> 00:17:34,212
That you take
such good care of her.
374
00:17:34,213 --> 00:17:35,547
Well, if I don't do it,
who's gonna do it?
375
00:17:35,548 --> 00:17:36,848
I get it.
376
00:17:36,849 --> 00:17:39,267
After your folks divorced,
you became the man of the house.
377
00:17:39,268 --> 00:17:41,052
That's probably why
she's so uncomfortable
378
00:17:41,053 --> 00:17:43,888
With the idea of you having
another woman in your life.
379
00:17:43,889 --> 00:17:45,056
What do you mean?
380
00:17:45,057 --> 00:17:47,459
Well, don't you find it
a little odd
381
00:17:47,460 --> 00:17:49,327
That she started
having chest pains
382
00:17:49,328 --> 00:17:51,696
After she found out
you were on a date?
383
00:17:51,697 --> 00:17:54,149
Wait, are you saying that my mom
is trying to prevent me
384
00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:55,433
From having a relationship?
385
00:17:55,434 --> 00:17:57,535
I don't know about that,
but I'm pretty sure
386
00:17:57,536 --> 00:17:59,737
She's trying to prevent me
from having one.
387
00:18:01,773 --> 00:18:03,842
Hey, I don't know how things
work in your family,
388
00:18:03,843 --> 00:18:06,211
But in my family,
we take care of each other.
389
00:18:06,212 --> 00:18:07,946
We take care
of each other, too,
390
00:18:07,947 --> 00:18:09,214
We just don't fake heart attacks
391
00:18:09,215 --> 00:18:11,816
To keep each other
from getting laid.
392
00:18:13,419 --> 00:18:16,020
Oh, and there she is.
393
00:18:16,021 --> 00:18:18,590
She's probably just calling
to say she's fine.
394
00:18:20,626 --> 00:18:23,061
Well, you have
a decision to make.
395
00:18:23,062 --> 00:18:25,930
You can take that call
and see if she's okay
396
00:18:25,931 --> 00:18:28,900
Or you can take me,
in your bedroom.
397
00:18:28,901 --> 00:18:30,034
Hi. This is mike.
398
00:18:30,035 --> 00:18:31,603
I can't come to the phone
right now.
399
00:18:31,604 --> 00:18:33,905
I think you're going to make
the right decision.
400
00:18:33,906 --> 00:18:36,708
Hi, Mikey, it's mom.
401
00:18:36,709 --> 00:18:40,945
Listen, I'm fine, but
I'm really worried about Jim.
402
00:18:40,946 --> 00:18:42,914
He's not eating his kibble
403
00:18:42,915 --> 00:18:45,783
And when I call his name,
his response is very...
404
00:18:45,784 --> 00:18:50,038
I don't know, ambivalent.
405
00:18:50,039 --> 00:18:51,389
Mikey!
406
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:54,759
Mikey!
407
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,161
Hello?!
408
00:18:57,162 --> 00:18:58,830
Jim, you talk to him.
409
00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:03,968
Mikey!
410
00:19:12,186 --> 00:19:13,570
You want some more eggs?
411
00:19:13,571 --> 00:19:15,205
No, thanks.
412
00:19:15,206 --> 00:19:16,306
This is great.
413
00:19:16,307 --> 00:19:18,041
They're not too dry,
are they?
414
00:19:18,042 --> 00:19:20,577
I usually use a little dollop
of milk to make them fluffier,
415
00:19:20,578 --> 00:19:23,747
But I was out of milk,
so I used cremora.
416
00:19:23,748 --> 00:19:26,483
They're wonderfully fluffy.
417
00:19:26,484 --> 00:19:28,785
Thanks.
418
00:19:29,704 --> 00:19:31,555
Can you explain why
I'm more nervous now
419
00:19:31,556 --> 00:19:32,789
Than I was last night?
420
00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:33,907
I know. It's weird.
421
00:19:33,908 --> 00:19:35,292
I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to do.
422
00:19:35,293 --> 00:19:37,327
Should I shower here
or should I shower at home?
423
00:19:37,328 --> 00:19:38,828
Should I brush my teeth
with my finger
424
00:19:38,829 --> 00:19:40,363
So you don't know I packed
a toothbrush?
425
00:19:40,364 --> 00:19:43,867
One thing I know I'm not doing
is going to the bathroom here.
426
00:19:43,868 --> 00:19:45,752
Why not?
427
00:19:45,753 --> 00:19:47,888
I can crank up the boom box
like last night.
428
00:19:47,889 --> 00:19:49,589
Forget it.
429
00:19:52,059 --> 00:19:54,377
You in a hurry to get home
for any other reason?
430
00:19:54,378 --> 00:19:55,712
'cause, uh...
431
00:19:55,713 --> 00:19:58,481
I'd love to spend the day
with you.
432
00:19:59,350 --> 00:20:01,351
Really?
433
00:20:03,421 --> 00:20:06,590
I'd love to spend the day
with you, too.
434
00:20:06,591 --> 00:20:08,124
Great, then here's the plan:
435
00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:09,559
I'll take a walk around
the block
436
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,696
While you go to the bathroom,
and then you do the same for me.
437
00:20:14,532 --> 00:20:17,234
Well, aren't you a gentleman.
438
00:20:20,972 --> 00:20:22,138
Mike
hi. This is mike.
439
00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:23,707
I can't come to the phone
right now.
440
00:20:23,708 --> 00:20:25,842
Please leave me a message.
441
00:20:25,843 --> 00:20:27,410
Mikey, it's mom.
442
00:20:27,411 --> 00:20:29,613
I didn't sleep well last night.
443
00:20:29,614 --> 00:20:31,080
Very fitful.
444
00:20:31,081 --> 00:20:32,882
But I don't want you
to feel guilty.
445
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:35,885
It's probably just a little
congestive heart failure.
446
00:20:37,655 --> 00:20:40,090
Hey, do you know
if they make a home version
447
00:20:40,091 --> 00:20:42,425
Of those hospital
defibrillators?
448
00:20:42,426 --> 00:20:43,727
You know, in case I flat-line
449
00:20:43,728 --> 00:20:46,696
And you need to bring me
back to life.
450
00:20:46,697 --> 00:20:48,632
Come with me.
451
00:20:48,633 --> 00:20:50,800
I'll shop around
for something used.
452
00:20:50,801 --> 00:20:52,369
Wait a second.
453
00:20:52,370 --> 00:20:53,803
You're not
just having sex with me
454
00:20:53,804 --> 00:20:55,605
Because you're mad
at your mom, are you?
455
00:20:55,606 --> 00:20:56,906
Is that a problem?
456
00:20:56,907 --> 00:20:58,291
No, not really.
457
00:20:58,292 --> 00:21:04,292
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