1
00:00:02,686 --> 00:00:04,813
Thanks for dinner tonight.
The food was great.

2
00:00:04,988 --> 00:00:07,752
When you get the restaurant's number
off a bathroom stall...

3
00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:11,451
...at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting,
you know it's gonna be good.

4
00:00:11,961 --> 00:00:17,263
Well, guess this is the awkward-moment
portion of the evening.

5
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:19,595
Yep. The looming question.

6
00:00:19,769 --> 00:00:22,101
Who gets the leftovers?

7
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:25,866
You wanna come in for a while?

8
00:00:26,042 --> 00:00:29,603
-Are your mom and sister home?
-They're probably asleep. Let me check.

9
00:00:31,181 --> 00:00:34,776
Hey. Did you guys do it yet?

10
00:00:37,754 --> 00:00:39,551
Not asleep.

11
00:00:41,024 --> 00:00:43,322
But we can still hang out in my room.

12
00:00:43,493 --> 00:00:46,053
So we'd have to walk
right past the two of them, right?

13
00:00:46,229 --> 00:00:48,959
Well, unless you own a jetpack.

14
00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:50,622
Just feels kind of unsavory.

15
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,200
-Why? We're not doing anything wrong.
-That's true.

16
00:00:53,369 --> 00:00:56,463
We're two people out on a date
that aren't ready to say good night.

17
00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:58,436
Exactly. Shall we?

18
00:00:58,608 --> 00:00:59,632
Let's do it.

19
00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:00,969
[GlGGLES]

20
00:01:03,046 --> 00:01:07,506
-Hey.
-Well, hello there.

21
00:01:09,686 --> 00:01:10,983
Ugh.

22
00:01:12,388 --> 00:01:14,856
How about this?
Saturday night, come over to my place.

23
00:01:15,024 --> 00:01:17,424
That way,
we don't have to worry about the Smurfs...

24
00:01:17,594 --> 00:01:19,858
...and we can relax
and do whatever we wanna do.

25
00:01:20,029 --> 00:01:23,396
-Whatever we wanna do, huh?
-Absolutely.

26
00:01:23,566 --> 00:01:25,534
-Why are you smiling?
-Why are you smiling?

27
00:01:25,702 --> 00:01:28,330
I'm smiling because I get the leftovers.

28
00:01:29,639 --> 00:01:31,266
Come here, you.

29
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,688
You got any plans for this weekend?

30
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:56,662
-Promised my grandma I'd clean the garage.
-I thought you cleaned the garage.

31
00:01:56,833 --> 00:01:57,993
I'm dragging my feet.

32
00:01:58,168 --> 00:02:01,228
I'm afraid, once I get it done,
she's gonna make me live out there.

33
00:02:01,905 --> 00:02:05,033
Yeah, like in the Army, when the enemy
makes you dig your own grave.

34
00:02:05,475 --> 00:02:07,306
Exactly. So, what are you up to?

35
00:02:07,477 --> 00:02:10,002
Not much.
Molly's coming over Saturday night.

36
00:02:10,180 --> 00:02:12,808
You dirty, dirty dog.

37
00:02:14,017 --> 00:02:15,314
All right.

38
00:02:15,485 --> 00:02:18,648
I told you he'd get laid
before the Cubs won a World Series.

39
00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:23,118
Now, is your apartment ready
for entertaining a lady?

40
00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:27,161
The last time I saw your bathtub,
it looked like you'd washed a gorilla in it.

41
00:02:27,330 --> 00:02:30,822
Don't worry. I'm going after it
with a grill brush and some degreaser.

42
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,127
I'm buying a new shower curtain,
nice sheets...

43
00:02:33,303 --> 00:02:36,397
...and some of that liquid soap
that the ladies seem to favor.

44
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:38,598
Good idea.

45
00:02:38,775 --> 00:02:42,404
Now you don't have to worry about
plucking your pubes out of the lrish Spring.

46
00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:45,873
Oh, that is tedious work.

47
00:02:46,049 --> 00:02:50,884
I live with five roommates.
Our soap looks like a wet cat.

48
00:02:51,955 --> 00:02:55,220
I cleaned the oven, vacuumed the Skittles
out of the couch cushions.

49
00:02:55,391 --> 00:02:58,292
-And I'm buying drapes.
-Drapes should have happened years ago.

50
00:02:58,461 --> 00:03:01,225
I'm surprised your neighbors
didn't start a petition.

51
00:03:01,998 --> 00:03:04,125
What about candles or incense?

52
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,962
Way ahead of you.
I put an Air Wick on the toilet tank.

53
00:03:07,136 --> 00:03:11,197
Mango-kiwi.
It's like having a luau on your crapper.

54
00:03:13,409 --> 00:03:18,472
Well, that's fine for knocking back the funk,
but candles also help create a mood.

55
00:03:18,648 --> 00:03:20,980
A sensual ambiance, if you will.

56
00:03:21,317 --> 00:03:24,115
Is that why I get aroused
when I see a birthday cake?

57
00:03:28,825 --> 00:03:30,793
-No.
-No.

58
00:03:32,395 --> 00:03:36,161
But while we're talking about food, you're
gonna need champagne and strawberries.

59
00:03:36,332 --> 00:03:38,061
-Strawberries?
-Big-ass strawberries.

60
00:03:38,234 --> 00:03:43,331
-I don't know why. It drives the ladies wild.
-You'd think it would be bananas.

61
00:03:45,241 --> 00:03:49,234
Yeah. Banana and a couple of plums
laid out on the coffee table.

62
00:03:49,679 --> 00:03:51,647
It should get their motor running.

63
00:03:52,382 --> 00:03:54,748
Women are such mysterious creatures.

64
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,347
Beautiful, unsolvable mysteries.

65
00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,114
Like those big alien crop circles.

66
00:04:00,290 --> 00:04:02,087
But with nipples.

67
00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:09,787
All right. Strawberries, candles,
champagne. Anything else?

68
00:04:10,233 --> 00:04:13,134
Whipped cream. You know,
in case you wanna freak it up a notch.

69
00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:16,965
-I'm trying to stay away from sweets.
-Then get fat-free.

70
00:04:17,140 --> 00:04:19,665
You don't have to blow your diet
to get your kink on.

71
00:04:20,610 --> 00:04:23,670
Don't forget the four silk scarves
so she can tie you to the bed...

72
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:27,612
...and one large ostrich feather to be used
on the underside of your scrotum.

73
00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:35,221
You're not there yet. Okay, that's cool.

74
00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:43,391
Don't forget to take clean underwear so,
if you do spend the night, you're prepared.

75
00:04:43,566 --> 00:04:46,467
I don't want him to think
I was planning on spending the night.

76
00:04:46,636 --> 00:04:49,764
There's a lot of reasons a gal keeps
a pair of drawers in her purse.

77
00:04:49,939 --> 00:04:52,999
Some good, some bad. Let him decide.

78
00:04:53,843 --> 00:04:55,401
I can't believe how nervous I am.

79
00:04:55,578 --> 00:04:58,843
Well, then throw in another pair of panties.
Better safe than smelly.

80
00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:02,513
Mom, please, you're not helping.

81
00:05:02,685 --> 00:05:05,415
Oh, honey, relax. It's just sex.

82
00:05:05,588 --> 00:05:08,785
I know it's been a while,
but it's like riding a bike.

83
00:05:08,958 --> 00:05:12,018
You know, if instead of wheels,
the bike had two balls.

84
00:05:14,664 --> 00:05:16,495
How long has it been, honey?

85
00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:21,694
I don't know.
Eighteen months, four days, five hours.

86
00:05:22,672 --> 00:05:27,075
Wow. You're lucky it's not like pierced ears
where the holes grow shut.

87
00:05:29,112 --> 00:05:31,842
That'd be an embarrassing trip
back to the mall.

88
00:05:34,884 --> 00:05:39,184
Whoa, whoa. You can't let this guy see you
wearing that big old pair of granny panties.

89
00:05:39,355 --> 00:05:40,617
Don't you have a thong?

90
00:05:40,790 --> 00:05:42,951
I'm not wearing a thong, Victoria.

91
00:05:43,126 --> 00:05:46,562
-How about a bustier?
-How about two Band-Aids and a cork?

92
00:05:48,398 --> 00:05:51,060
You know what?
I'm just gonna finish this up by myself.

93
00:05:51,234 --> 00:05:56,194
Why don't you two go watch TV or bat
a dead mouse around the kitchen floor?

94
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:58,468
No, we wanna help you.

95
00:05:58,641 --> 00:06:01,872
Which reminds me:
Have you trimmed the hedges?

96
00:06:02,578 --> 00:06:03,943
What are you talking about?

97
00:06:04,113 --> 00:06:07,981
Well, you tend to get a little Shaggy
in your Scooby-Doo.

98
00:06:09,886 --> 00:06:12,081
I'm not having this conversation
with you.

99
00:06:12,488 --> 00:06:13,853
Mom?

100
00:06:14,023 --> 00:06:15,047
Listen, princess.

101
00:06:15,892 --> 00:06:20,488
You don't want him to get lost in the weeds
trying to find the pumpkin patch.

102
00:06:21,831 --> 00:06:25,460
Have you ever heard the expression,
"Does the carpet match the drapes?"

103
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:29,002
Only when shopping for carpeting
or drapes.

104
00:06:29,172 --> 00:06:33,472
Well, just so you know,
practically nobody has carpeting anymore.

105
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:37,238
Just a tiny little area rug
near the entry way.

106
00:06:40,149 --> 00:06:43,243
Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax
on my lady business...

107
00:06:43,419 --> 00:06:45,478
...and ripping all the hair out.

108
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:48,317
Eighteen months, four days,
five hours, sweetie.

109
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,482
I can have that wax heated up
lickety-split.

110
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:53,458
And then he can get at it lickety-split.

111
00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:58,698
Maybe a little off the sides.
But we should probably have a safe word.

112
00:06:58,868 --> 00:07:01,928
Well, I always just scream,
"Ouch, my hoo-hah!"

113
00:07:04,941 --> 00:07:07,205
Right this way.

114
00:07:14,717 --> 00:07:17,777
-Why are you walking funny?
-I pulled a muscle at the gym.

115
00:07:17,954 --> 00:07:21,446
-Feeling the burn, huh?
-You have no idea.

116
00:07:23,259 --> 00:07:24,624
[EXHALES]

117
00:07:26,829 --> 00:07:28,660
Here we are. Chez Mike.

118
00:07:28,831 --> 00:07:30,958
-After you, my lady.
-Thank you, sir.

119
00:07:31,467 --> 00:07:33,731
Humble digs of an honest cop.

120
00:07:33,903 --> 00:07:35,393
Very n-- Oh. Heh.

121
00:07:36,339 --> 00:07:38,807
Very nice. I love the hardwood floors.

122
00:07:38,975 --> 00:07:41,535
Yeah. When I first moved in,
it was wall-to-wall shag.

123
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:45,238
Took two guys all day to yank that stuff up.
They were tearing and pulling.

124
00:07:45,414 --> 00:07:47,644
I get it, I get it, I get it.

125
00:07:49,352 --> 00:07:51,912
So how long have you lived here?

126
00:07:52,088 --> 00:07:54,818
I found this place a few years ago.

127
00:07:54,991 --> 00:07:58,188
It's a funny story.
It was actually a crime scene.

128
00:07:58,361 --> 00:08:00,420
Murder-suicide. Gay couple.

129
00:08:00,596 --> 00:08:04,088
Been together since the '70s,
hence the shag carpeting.

130
00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:09,469
Anyway, I guess one of the fellas came
home from a seven-day carnival cruise...

131
00:08:09,639 --> 00:08:14,440
...and found the other one in flagrante
with what was either a man or a woman.

132
00:08:14,610 --> 00:08:19,411
All we found was a bloody footprint
from a size-16 cha-cha heel.

133
00:08:20,950 --> 00:08:23,851
I guess that story's more tragic
than it is funny.

134
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,683
As murder-suicides tend to be.

135
00:08:35,198 --> 00:08:37,860
Would you like a glass of champagne?

136
00:08:42,805 --> 00:08:45,171
-Not right now.
-Yeah, probably not a good idea.

137
00:08:45,341 --> 00:08:47,241
The bubbles make me a little gassy.

138
00:08:47,977 --> 00:08:49,501
How about we just talk?

139
00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:52,147
Sure. Talking's good.

140
00:08:53,549 --> 00:08:55,107
[SlGHS]

141
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:02,819
Oh, I forgot the strawberries.
You want a strawberry?

142
00:09:02,992 --> 00:09:04,892
-No, thank you.
-You sure?

143
00:09:05,061 --> 00:09:09,327
They're the big ones. Size of your fist.
Like a bowl of big red baby heads.

144
00:09:10,499 --> 00:09:11,932
I'm fine for now.

145
00:09:12,101 --> 00:09:15,127
All right, well, let me know
if you change your mind.

146
00:09:22,078 --> 00:09:25,536
-Are you nervous at all?
-I'm a walking pit stain.

147
00:09:26,449 --> 00:09:27,677
Me too.

148
00:09:27,850 --> 00:09:32,583
It's just been so long since I've been alone
with a man in his apartment.

149
00:09:32,755 --> 00:09:35,815
Well, the last time there was a woman
in this apartment...

150
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:39,155
...she was a he,
and someone got bludgeoned to death.

151
00:09:42,131 --> 00:09:46,591
Not exactly the comfort I was looking for,
but nice to know.

152
00:09:47,770 --> 00:09:49,704
-Molly.
-Yeah?

153
00:09:49,872 --> 00:09:53,433
Promise me that,
no matter what happens tonight...

154
00:09:53,609 --> 00:09:56,942
...you'll look at my bathtub
and my shower curtain. They're impeccable.

155
00:10:00,182 --> 00:10:01,649
[PHONE RlNGS]

156
00:10:01,817 --> 00:10:03,284
The machine will get it.

157
00:10:03,452 --> 00:10:04,476
MlKE [ON RECORDlNG]:
Hi. This is Mike.

158
00:10:04,654 --> 00:10:06,485
I can't come to the phone right now.
Please leave me a message.

159
00:10:06,656 --> 00:10:07,680
[MACHlNE BEEPS]

160
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:12,453
WOMAN: Hey, angel face. It's Mommy
calling. Listen, I went to Costco today...

161
00:10:12,628 --> 00:10:15,688
...because they were having a sale
on those padded toilet seats...

162
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,425
...and I remembered
how much you admired mine.

163
00:10:18,601 --> 00:10:20,091
[CHUCKLES]

164
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:24,135
Anyway, I picked one up for you,
so now you don't have to worry...

165
00:10:24,307 --> 00:10:28,107
...about those giant red rings you get
around your bottom.

166
00:10:28,911 --> 00:10:30,811
Hey, Mom. How are you?

167
00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:32,845
No, no. I just walked in the door.

168
00:10:33,282 --> 00:10:36,183
Oh, sorry. I can't. I have company.

169
00:10:36,352 --> 00:10:37,876
No, it's not Carl.

170
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,419
Well, you don't know her.

171
00:10:39,588 --> 00:10:40,714
Yes, I said "her."

172
00:10:42,491 --> 00:10:46,120
Look, Mom, can we please talk about this
later? I promise, I'll call you back.

173
00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:48,024
All right. You too.

174
00:10:48,197 --> 00:10:49,926
I did say it.

175
00:10:50,099 --> 00:10:51,794
I love you too.

176
00:10:53,769 --> 00:10:56,101
-Everything all right?
-Yeah, fine.

177
00:10:56,272 --> 00:10:58,365
Now, where were we?

178
00:10:59,175 --> 00:11:01,575
I think we were somewhere right....

179
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,575
[GROANS]

180
00:11:05,614 --> 00:11:07,946
Right about here.

181
00:11:08,617 --> 00:11:10,517
[PHONE RlNGS]

182
00:11:12,121 --> 00:11:14,282
I am so sorry about this.

183
00:11:14,457 --> 00:11:16,550
Mom, I told you I'd call you tomorr--

184
00:11:16,959 --> 00:11:19,427
What? Oh, my God.

185
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:22,155
Listen, hang up and dial 91 1.
I'll be right there.

186
00:11:22,331 --> 00:11:24,356
-What happened?
-She's having chest pains.

187
00:11:24,533 --> 00:11:26,797
Really? She was fine
just a couple of seconds ago.

188
00:11:26,969 --> 00:11:29,062
What can I tell you?
She's old, she's frail.

189
00:11:29,238 --> 00:11:31,138
While we're talking about it,
she could be dying.

190
00:11:31,307 --> 00:11:33,673
-Ooh, candles.
-Oh, right.

191
00:11:39,248 --> 00:11:41,546
You call that a check,
you pansy-ass Canuck?

192
00:11:41,717 --> 00:11:45,209
If you can't play the game,
get off the ice.

193
00:11:45,388 --> 00:11:46,855
[FOOTSTEPS]

194
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:56,556
-Mom, are you okay?
-Mikey, you shouldn't have come.

195
00:11:56,732 --> 00:11:59,929
-Did you call an ambulance?
-No. I don't wanna bother anybody.

196
00:12:00,102 --> 00:12:03,230
It's not bothering anybody.
We need to get you to the hospital.

197
00:12:03,406 --> 00:12:08,969
What? And pay some quack 800 bucks
to stick his thumb in my keister?

198
00:12:09,912 --> 00:12:11,607
-Thumb?
-Leave it alone.

199
00:12:13,783 --> 00:12:15,341
Who's that man with you?

200
00:12:20,456 --> 00:12:24,790
-Mom, this is Molly.
-I'm sorry, darling. I'm blind as a bat.

201
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,621
Oh, you are a girl.

202
00:12:26,796 --> 00:12:29,924
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Biggs.
I'm sorry you're not feeling well.

203
00:12:30,099 --> 00:12:33,296
Thank you, dear. Ah. I see what it was.

204
00:12:33,469 --> 00:12:36,927
The shadow from your nose
makes it look like you have a mustache.

205
00:12:44,713 --> 00:12:47,079
[WHEEZlNG]

206
00:13:09,071 --> 00:13:10,868
Mom, please, you need to see a doctor.

207
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,701
No, I don't trust doctors.

208
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:16,606
They just wanna saw you open
and diddle with your innards.

209
00:13:17,246 --> 00:13:19,373
It wouldn't hurt
to at least get checked out.

210
00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:22,210
Oh, I've lived through worse pain
than this.

211
00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:25,547
Mikey came out 14 pounds
and sideways.

212
00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:30,019
I'm lucky I can keep any food inside me.

213
00:13:32,261 --> 00:13:34,695
Can I offer you
one of my famous seven-layer cookies?

214
00:13:34,864 --> 00:13:36,422
No, thank you.

215
00:13:36,599 --> 00:13:39,033
Can't we just go in for a few tests,
just to be safe?

216
00:13:39,201 --> 00:13:41,897
No. No tests. No thumbs.

217
00:13:42,838 --> 00:13:45,238
Thumbs? What doctor is she seeing?

218
00:13:45,774 --> 00:13:47,708
I said leave it alone.

219
00:13:50,045 --> 00:13:52,377
Mom, you gotta stop
giving that dog beer.

220
00:13:52,548 --> 00:13:56,712
That's not Jim. Jim's are more bacon-y.

221
00:13:59,121 --> 00:14:00,179
Well, it wasn't me.

222
00:14:03,859 --> 00:14:05,383
-Hey.
-Mom.

223
00:14:05,561 --> 00:14:09,053
What? Process of elimination.

224
00:14:09,498 --> 00:14:11,193
But if you're gonna blame the dog...

225
00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:14,393
...I'll go get my portable oxygen tank
and take him for a walk.

226
00:14:14,570 --> 00:14:17,266
-No, no, you sit. I'll take him.
-Okay.

227
00:14:18,173 --> 00:14:20,437
Remember not to rush him
or squeeze him...

228
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:22,873
...or eyeball him
when he's in the middle of one.

229
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:25,436
I know the drill, Ma.

230
00:14:27,349 --> 00:14:29,374
-I'll be right back.
-Hurry.

231
00:14:39,395 --> 00:14:40,692
[CHUCKLES]

232
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:46,423
So is this the house Mike grew up in?

233
00:14:46,602 --> 00:14:47,967
Yep.

234
00:14:49,071 --> 00:14:51,938
I wish I would have known him
when he was a little boy.

235
00:14:52,107 --> 00:14:55,508
Really? And would you still be
the same age you are now?

236
00:14:56,545 --> 00:15:01,744
What? No. I was just saying it would have
been fun to have seen him as a kid.

237
00:15:01,917 --> 00:15:04,442
Riding his bike, playing kickball.

238
00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:06,645
I get it. You like them young.

239
00:15:13,228 --> 00:15:14,752
I love your house.

240
00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:16,864
Sweet little place.

241
00:15:17,032 --> 00:15:19,023
Very inviting.

242
00:15:21,070 --> 00:15:24,631
It was paradise for a while.
Then that rat-bastard husband of mine...

243
00:15:24,807 --> 00:15:28,140
...ran off with a whore and left me with
a mortgage I couldn't afford...

244
00:15:28,310 --> 00:15:31,711
...and a 16-year-old boy
who ate cereal with a snow shovel.

245
00:15:34,550 --> 00:15:37,610
Any more family history
you wanna dredge up?

246
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:41,617
No, that should hold me for a while.

247
00:15:41,790 --> 00:15:44,759
You know, it's weird
Mikey's never mentioned you before.

248
00:15:44,927 --> 00:15:46,952
I'm sure it just slipped his mind.

249
00:15:47,129 --> 00:15:49,563
Why would he be ashamed of you?

250
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,791
Cookie?

251
00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:55,599
Yeah, I'll have a cookie.

252
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:03,038
Hmm. And you said these were famous?

253
00:16:13,489 --> 00:16:15,013
Do you wanna just take me home?

254
00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:17,590
No, no. The night's still young.

255
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,194
You sure? You seem a little preoccupied.

256
00:16:20,362 --> 00:16:23,354
I'll be fine.
It's just natural to worry about her.

257
00:16:23,532 --> 00:16:24,794
I get that.

258
00:16:24,967 --> 00:16:28,903
But she seems to be built
from pretty tough lumber.

259
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:33,269
You'd think, but after my dad left,
she's been like a lost little bird.

260
00:16:33,442 --> 00:16:35,569
-Crow.
-What?

261
00:16:36,045 --> 00:16:37,569
Nothing.

262
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:40,681
But didn't you tell me your dad ran off
like 20 years ago?

263
00:16:40,849 --> 00:16:44,410
Leaving the two of us alone while
he went off to Florida with that hooker.

264
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:48,852
Can you imagine leaving
my dear sweet mother for a prostitute?

265
00:16:50,893 --> 00:16:52,360
Can you?

266
00:16:53,529 --> 00:16:56,828
-Molly?
-No. God, no.

267
00:17:00,703 --> 00:17:01,897
-Mike.
-Yeah?

268
00:17:02,071 --> 00:17:06,064
I think that's enough. It's starting
to feel like midnight Mass in here.

269
00:17:08,043 --> 00:17:10,568
How are the strawberries?
Are they big enough?

270
00:17:10,746 --> 00:17:11,770
I guess.

271
00:17:13,682 --> 00:17:15,741
Why don't you sit down
and try and relax?

272
00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:18,648
Right. I'm sorry.
I'm just a little distracted by my mom.

273
00:17:19,088 --> 00:17:20,316
I'm sure she's fine.

274
00:17:20,489 --> 00:17:23,322
Sometimes she puts on a brave face
so I won't worry.

275
00:17:23,492 --> 00:17:27,986
Well, I think that face is just her face.

276
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:34,331
But I think it's sweet
that you take such good care of her.

277
00:17:34,503 --> 00:17:38,064
-lf I don't do it, who's gonna do it?
-I get it. After your folks divorced...

278
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,573
...you became the man of the house.
That's why she's so uncomfortable...

279
00:17:41,744 --> 00:17:43,939
...with the idea
of you having another woman.

280
00:17:44,113 --> 00:17:47,708
-What do you mean?
-Well, don't you find it a little odd...

281
00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:51,751
...that she started having chest pains
after she found out you were on a date?

282
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:55,515
Are you saying that my mom's trying
to prevent me from having a relationship?

283
00:17:55,691 --> 00:17:59,627
I don't know about that, but I'm sure
she's trying to prevent me from having one.

284
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,322
I don't know how things work
in your family.

285
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,958
-ln my family, we take care of each other.
-We take care of each other too.

286
00:18:08,137 --> 00:18:11,834
We just don't fake heart attacks
to keep each other from getting laid.

287
00:18:12,307 --> 00:18:13,433
[PHONE RlNGlNG]

288
00:18:13,609 --> 00:18:16,134
Oh, and there she is.

289
00:18:16,311 --> 00:18:18,472
She's probably just calling
to say she's fine.

290
00:18:19,815 --> 00:18:23,182
Well, you have a decision to make.

291
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:29,052
You can take that call and see if she's okay,
or you can take me in your bedroom.

292
00:18:29,224 --> 00:18:31,351
MlKE [ON RECORDlNG]:
I can't come to the phone right now.

293
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:34,018
I think you're gonna make
the right decision.

294
00:18:36,098 --> 00:18:41,058
PEGGY: It's Mom. Listen, I'm fine,
but I'm really worried about Jim.

295
00:18:41,236 --> 00:18:44,034
He's not eating his kibble,
and when I call his name...

296
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:49,667
...his response is very,
I don't know, ambivalent.

297
00:18:50,746 --> 00:18:55,012
Mikey? Mikey?

298
00:18:55,184 --> 00:18:56,947
Hello?

299
00:18:57,586 --> 00:18:59,144
Jim, you talk to him.

300
00:18:59,321 --> 00:19:00,913
[FORElGNER'S "FEELS LlKE THE
FlRST TlME" PLAYlNG OVER STEREO]

301
00:19:01,089 --> 00:19:02,488
It feels like the first time

302
00:19:02,658 --> 00:19:04,057
PEGGY:
Mikey.

303
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:05,784
Feels like the very first time

304
00:19:05,961 --> 00:19:07,929
PEGGY:
Are you there?

305
00:19:12,034 --> 00:19:13,467
MlKE:
You want some more eggs?

306
00:19:13,635 --> 00:19:16,035
No, thanks. This is great.

307
00:19:16,205 --> 00:19:20,198
They're not too dry, are they? I usually use
a dollop of milk to make them fluffier...

308
00:19:20,375 --> 00:19:23,310
...but I was out of milk,
so I used Cremora.

309
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,874
-They're wonderfully fluffy.
-Thanks.

310
00:19:29,484 --> 00:19:32,385
Can you explain why I'm more nervous now
than I was last night?

311
00:19:32,554 --> 00:19:35,182
I know. It's weird.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

312
00:19:35,357 --> 00:19:38,793
Should I shower here or at home?
Should I brush my teeth with my finger...

313
00:19:38,961 --> 00:19:43,421
...so you don't know I packed a toothbrush?
I'm not going to the bathroom here.

314
00:19:45,033 --> 00:19:47,501
Why not? I can crank up the boom box
like last night.

315
00:19:48,370 --> 00:19:49,735
Forget it.

316
00:19:49,905 --> 00:19:51,338
[CHUCKLES]

317
00:19:51,907 --> 00:19:55,206
You in a hurry to get home
for any other reason?

318
00:19:56,078 --> 00:19:58,478
Because I'd love to spend the day
with you.

319
00:20:00,015 --> 00:20:01,414
Really?

320
00:20:03,819 --> 00:20:06,185
I'd love to spend the day with you too.

321
00:20:06,755 --> 00:20:10,589
Here's the plan. I'll take a walk around
the block while you go to the bathroom...

322
00:20:10,759 --> 00:20:12,920
...and then you do the same for me.

323
00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:17,390
Well, aren't you a gentleman.

324
00:20:18,934 --> 00:20:20,526
[PHONE RlNGS]

325
00:20:21,103 --> 00:20:22,297
MlKE [ON RECORDlNG]:
Hi. This is Mike.

326
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,268
I can't come to the phone right now.
Please leave me a message.

327
00:20:24,439 --> 00:20:25,463
[MACHlNE BEEPS]

328
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:27,165
PEGGY:
Mikey, it's Mom.

329
00:20:27,342 --> 00:20:30,709
I didn't sleep well last night. Very fitful.

330
00:20:30,879 --> 00:20:32,540
But I don't want you to feel guilty.

331
00:20:32,714 --> 00:20:35,308
It's probably just a little
congestive heart failure.

332
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:42,022
Hey, do you know if they make a home
version of those hospital defibrillators?

333
00:20:42,190 --> 00:20:46,286
You know, in case I flatline
and you need to bring me back to life.

334
00:20:46,762 --> 00:20:48,696
-Come with me.
-Something to keep in mind.

335
00:20:48,864 --> 00:20:50,729
I'll shop around for something used.

336
00:20:50,899 --> 00:20:53,060
Wait. You're not just having sex
with me...

337
00:20:53,235 --> 00:20:55,203
... because you're mad at your mom,
are you?

338
00:20:55,370 --> 00:20:58,066
-ls that a problem?
-No, not really.

339
00:21:27,235 --> 00:21:29,226
[English - US - SDH]