1 00:00:01,864 --> 00:00:03,309 Hi, I'm Adele Brouse. 2 00:00:03,429 --> 00:00:04,381 Paul Weston. 3 00:00:04,582 --> 00:00:05,581 Please, come inside. 4 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,166 I didn't expect you to be so... young. 5 00:00:11,517 --> 00:00:12,733 Does my age bother you? 6 00:00:12,862 --> 00:00:14,261 If you're able to fill out a prescription, 7 00:00:14,430 --> 00:00:16,053 then your age doesn't bother me at all. 8 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,229 You said on the phone you're in need of a refill. 9 00:00:18,277 --> 00:00:20,229 I explained that my sleep has been difficult. 10 00:00:20,309 --> 00:00:22,893 I can't just dispense medication without... 11 00:00:23,045 --> 00:00:24,037 Fine. Go ahead. 12 00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:26,221 You're afraid you may have Parkinson's. 13 00:00:26,358 --> 00:00:29,301 Do you think it has something to do with the dream that you've been having? 14 00:00:29,374 --> 00:00:31,974 I've actually been in treatment for the last 20 years. 15 00:00:32,069 --> 00:00:35,517 I really didn't come today to continue that process. 16 00:00:35,654 --> 00:00:37,120 My door is always open to you. 17 00:00:37,925 --> 00:00:39,020 What did you just say? 18 00:00:48,064 --> 00:00:50,139 I feel that I'm growing intimate 19 00:00:50,173 --> 00:00:53,419 With your outgoing message. 20 00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:57,299 Anyway, Gina, it's Paul. 21 00:00:59,674 --> 00:01:03,051 I'm not certain if you got my last... 22 00:01:03,086 --> 00:01:05,090 Well, why wouldn't you have gotten 23 00:01:05,125 --> 00:01:08,433 My last message? 24 00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:11,474 In any event, I... 25 00:01:11,508 --> 00:01:13,948 I've yet to hear back from you. 26 00:01:13,982 --> 00:01:15,919 And let's just say 27 00:01:15,954 --> 00:01:19,527 That you've made some pretty interesting 28 00:01:19,561 --> 00:01:22,234 Character choices in your novel 29 00:01:22,268 --> 00:01:25,006 Which I... 30 00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:27,011 I wanted to talk to you about. 31 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:30,818 So could you call me back, please, 32 00:01:30,853 --> 00:01:33,023 So that I... 33 00:01:54,609 --> 00:01:57,971 Sync by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 34 00:02:15,496 --> 00:02:18,767 I... 35 00:02:18,801 --> 00:02:20,836 Thank you for seeing me. 36 00:02:20,871 --> 00:02:23,173 Of course. 37 00:02:24,843 --> 00:02:28,281 I know that I was a bit... 38 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,250 Difficult the last time. 39 00:02:30,284 --> 00:02:33,154 A bit reluctant to engage in... 40 00:02:36,159 --> 00:02:39,396 Anyway, my situation has changed. 41 00:02:39,431 --> 00:02:42,133 My son Max 42 00:02:42,168 --> 00:02:45,671 Is living with me. 43 00:02:45,706 --> 00:02:47,674 I arrived home from our session last week 44 00:02:47,708 --> 00:02:49,978 And he was sitting on the doorstep. 45 00:02:50,012 --> 00:02:52,581 He'd come up from Baltimore 46 00:02:52,615 --> 00:02:55,218 On the train by himself with his... 47 00:02:55,252 --> 00:02:57,254 With his suitcase. 48 00:02:57,288 --> 00:03:00,658 And he was saying 49 00:03:00,692 --> 00:03:03,595 That he wanted to live with me. 50 00:03:03,630 --> 00:03:06,032 He's 12. 51 00:03:06,066 --> 00:03:08,768 That is quite a change. 52 00:03:08,803 --> 00:03:12,173 Of course my ex-wife is furious with me 53 00:03:12,207 --> 00:03:14,943 For allowing him to stay 54 00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:19,315 And for enrolling him in the wrong school 55 00:03:19,350 --> 00:03:24,422 And who knows how many other transgressions. 56 00:03:24,456 --> 00:03:26,424 How has it been for you 57 00:03:26,459 --> 00:03:29,461 To have Max living in your home? 58 00:03:31,698 --> 00:03:33,299 You spoke last time 59 00:03:33,334 --> 00:03:36,136 About feeling alienated from your children. 60 00:03:36,170 --> 00:03:38,939 Well, it's been two years since I lived with them. 61 00:03:38,974 --> 00:03:42,744 And when I did, I'd have to say 62 00:03:42,778 --> 00:03:46,048 That Kate was more 63 00:03:46,082 --> 00:03:48,117 Primary in their lives, 64 00:03:48,152 --> 00:03:53,123 At least in the day-to-day stuff, yeah. 65 00:03:53,158 --> 00:03:55,459 So this is the first time you'll be playing that part. 66 00:03:55,494 --> 00:03:59,597 Mm, a critical age, 12. 67 00:03:59,632 --> 00:04:02,634 They're just on the edge of... 68 00:04:02,669 --> 00:04:05,037 Everything really. 69 00:04:05,072 --> 00:04:08,441 Does that feel like a lot of pressure? 70 00:04:08,476 --> 00:04:10,877 I do... I do feel pressure, 71 00:04:10,912 --> 00:04:13,013 But not... 72 00:04:14,749 --> 00:04:18,619 The other morning I was passing the cereal to Max 73 00:04:18,654 --> 00:04:21,289 And... 74 00:04:21,324 --> 00:04:23,291 My hand started to shake. 75 00:04:23,326 --> 00:04:27,463 He didn't notice, but... 76 00:04:27,497 --> 00:04:30,133 As much as I want to have Max with me, 77 00:04:30,167 --> 00:04:32,134 At some int very soon 78 00:04:32,168 --> 00:04:35,170 I'm gonna have to tell him about my illness. 79 00:04:35,204 --> 00:04:37,338 That I... 80 00:04:37,372 --> 00:04:39,405 That I have Parkinson's. 81 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:43,441 I just owe it to him to do it correctly, 82 00:04:43,475 --> 00:04:45,442 To discuss it with somebody 83 00:04:45,477 --> 00:04:49,946 And to do it... to do it right. 84 00:04:49,980 --> 00:04:51,948 That's why I'm here. 85 00:04:51,982 --> 00:04:54,750 That's why I came back. 86 00:04:54,784 --> 00:04:57,486 I'm glad you did. 87 00:04:59,121 --> 00:05:01,422 You had said you were seeing a neurologist. 88 00:05:01,457 --> 00:05:04,025 I also have to admit 89 00:05:04,059 --> 00:05:06,994 That you were right about something last week. 90 00:05:07,028 --> 00:05:08,128 Okay. 91 00:05:08,162 --> 00:05:10,163 You asked me if I have someone to talk to, 92 00:05:10,197 --> 00:05:12,031 Who I confide in. 93 00:05:12,066 --> 00:05:14,233 Well, I don't really. 94 00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:18,470 Wendy's becoming less and less that person. 95 00:05:18,504 --> 00:05:21,739 And now that Max is living with me, 96 00:05:21,774 --> 00:05:25,409 I've had to ban her from staying over. 97 00:05:25,443 --> 00:05:28,578 Well, what I mean is ask. 98 00:05:28,613 --> 00:05:30,547 I've had to ask her 99 00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:33,282 Not to stay over at my apartment. 100 00:05:33,317 --> 00:05:35,284 Would she prefer to stay with you? 101 00:05:35,318 --> 00:05:37,719 She'd have her name on the lease on Tuesday 102 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,788 If I'd agree to it. 103 00:05:39,822 --> 00:05:42,223 And a fridge full of soy products. 104 00:05:44,192 --> 00:05:47,894 She keeps asking to meet Max. 105 00:05:47,929 --> 00:05:50,830 She... she says she loves kids. 106 00:05:50,865 --> 00:05:54,333 But I had to say no. 107 00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:56,335 You know, I just think 108 00:05:56,369 --> 00:06:00,137 That he's so disturbed 109 00:06:00,172 --> 00:06:03,073 From living with Kate 110 00:06:03,108 --> 00:06:05,575 And her fiancé 111 00:06:05,610 --> 00:06:08,711 That I just don't think it's fair to put him in that position. 112 00:06:08,746 --> 00:06:10,747 Has Max talked to you about being disturbed? 113 00:06:10,781 --> 00:06:13,649 Oh, he's been begging me for weeks 114 00:06:13,683 --> 00:06:17,352 To come live with me, saying how much he hates Steve. 115 00:06:17,386 --> 00:06:19,320 That's the fiancé... Steve? 116 00:06:19,355 --> 00:06:22,723 Yes yes. I'd actually expected 117 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:24,691 My daughter Rosie 118 00:06:24,726 --> 00:06:27,460 To have a harder time living with him and Kate, 119 00:06:27,495 --> 00:06:29,829 But she hasn't. 120 00:06:29,863 --> 00:06:32,264 Why did you expect Rosie to have a harder time? 121 00:06:32,299 --> 00:06:34,700 'cause we used to be 122 00:06:34,734 --> 00:06:37,102 Close. 123 00:06:37,136 --> 00:06:41,872 Well, certainly closer than we are now, yeah. 124 00:06:41,906 --> 00:06:44,675 Are you equally worried to talk with her about your medical...? 125 00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:46,910 You were also right about something else last week. 126 00:06:46,944 --> 00:06:49,412 Oh, what's that? 127 00:06:49,446 --> 00:06:51,180 About Gina toll. 128 00:06:51,215 --> 00:06:54,383 You questioned her professional judgment last week. 129 00:06:54,417 --> 00:06:56,351 I defended her. 130 00:06:56,386 --> 00:06:59,320 Now that I've been reading her new book, 131 00:06:59,355 --> 00:07:03,057 I have to say that you were right. 132 00:07:03,091 --> 00:07:05,759 You're not enjoying the book? 133 00:07:05,794 --> 00:07:08,495 She's revealed herself to be 134 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:11,431 Completely indiscreet, utterly selfish. 135 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:14,700 In my opinion, she should have her license revoked. 136 00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:18,937 So you were right. 137 00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:21,906 Is it easier for you to justify coming here 138 00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:24,808 If you think of Gina as selfish and me as right? 139 00:07:24,843 --> 00:07:26,076 Excuse me? 140 00:07:26,110 --> 00:07:27,844 Last week you had real doubts about me, 141 00:07:27,878 --> 00:07:31,147 And this week you're telling me I'm right about quite a lot. 142 00:07:31,181 --> 00:07:32,982 Jesus Christ, some people 143 00:07:33,016 --> 00:07:35,350 Really have a hard time taking a compliment. 144 00:07:35,385 --> 00:07:38,253 Look, you were right about her. 145 00:07:38,287 --> 00:07:40,121 I don't know how else to say it. 146 00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:43,824 It took you 30 minutes to discern something about Gina 147 00:07:43,858 --> 00:07:45,925 That I apparently was blind to 148 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,594 For 25 years. 149 00:07:47,628 --> 00:07:50,096 While I was chatting away about my problems, 150 00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:52,097 She was contriving the basis 151 00:07:52,132 --> 00:07:56,968 Of one of the most miserable characters 152 00:07:57,002 --> 00:07:59,937 That I have ever encountered in a novel. 153 00:07:59,971 --> 00:08:04,641 Like the demon spawn of Bartleby and Shylock... 154 00:08:04,675 --> 00:08:08,044 This depressive, groveling outcast. 155 00:08:08,078 --> 00:08:11,347 It's just despicable. 156 00:08:11,381 --> 00:08:13,048 She's despicable. 157 00:08:13,082 --> 00:08:15,050 And now she's avoiding my phone calls. 158 00:08:15,084 --> 00:08:17,051 She won't return my messages. 159 00:08:17,086 --> 00:08:18,553 You seem quite convinced... 160 00:08:18,587 --> 00:08:21,088 And if you read the book, it's perfectly obvious. 161 00:08:21,122 --> 00:08:23,090 The guy is an associate Professor 162 00:08:23,124 --> 00:08:25,192 At an East coast college, 163 00:08:25,226 --> 00:08:29,328 Repeatedly denied tenure by the chairwoman of the department. 164 00:08:29,363 --> 00:08:32,798 Gina toll famously denied me the opportunity 165 00:08:32,832 --> 00:08:35,867 To head up the psychoanalytic institute. 166 00:08:35,901 --> 00:08:39,370 In the novel she describes this guy 167 00:08:39,404 --> 00:08:42,072 As obsessed with his students... 168 00:08:42,107 --> 00:08:45,342 Their academic work, with their personal lives. 169 00:08:45,376 --> 00:08:48,177 So much so that he ignores his real relationship... 170 00:08:48,212 --> 00:08:50,413 The lovely wife and the two kids. 171 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,482 In one bit she says that this guy is 172 00:08:53,516 --> 00:08:57,852 Self-sabotaging, self-defeating, 173 00:08:57,886 --> 00:09:00,388 That he's in a prison of his own making. 174 00:09:00,422 --> 00:09:02,489 She even calls the guy John, 175 00:09:02,524 --> 00:09:05,625 As if she needed to be more overt about who she's attacking. 176 00:09:05,660 --> 00:09:07,593 John was my father's name. 177 00:09:07,628 --> 00:09:11,163 - John? - Yeah. 178 00:09:11,197 --> 00:09:14,099 You're reading this as a personal attack. 179 00:09:14,133 --> 00:09:15,767 You don't believe me? 180 00:09:15,801 --> 00:09:18,102 I don't know what Gina's doing or not doing. 181 00:09:18,136 --> 00:09:21,538 I am much more interested in how certain you seem to be 182 00:09:21,573 --> 00:09:23,840 That she's based one of her main characters on you. 183 00:09:23,875 --> 00:09:26,443 Do you think I'm making this up? 184 00:09:26,477 --> 00:09:29,779 Can you tell me which part of what she wrote is most upsetting? 185 00:09:29,813 --> 00:09:32,314 All of it. The whole lot of it. 186 00:09:32,348 --> 00:09:33,982 Everything. 187 00:09:34,016 --> 00:09:37,051 There aren't specific passages in it that stand out for you? 188 00:09:37,086 --> 00:09:40,354 You mentioned in particular the phrases 189 00:09:40,389 --> 00:09:43,257 "self-defeating," "self sabotaging. " can you tell me about...? 190 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:46,526 No, I can't. Listen, let's just... 191 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,261 Let's just move on from that. 192 00:09:48,295 --> 00:09:50,495 There's nothing to be done. 193 00:09:50,530 --> 00:09:53,931 It's not a question of whether there's something to be done or not. 194 00:09:53,966 --> 00:09:56,200 Look, I just don't want to talk about Gina toll anymore. 195 00:09:56,234 --> 00:09:58,335 I'll finish reading the book. 196 00:09:58,369 --> 00:10:00,303 And then if you like 197 00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:03,506 We could get back to it next week. 198 00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:05,041 Can you explain one...? 199 00:10:05,075 --> 00:10:08,443 Please, you know what? I... 200 00:10:13,849 --> 00:10:16,050 Is your hand bothering you? 201 00:10:16,084 --> 00:10:18,819 No. 202 00:10:18,853 --> 00:10:21,388 Earlier you said you're concerned about 203 00:10:21,422 --> 00:10:24,223 How best to tell Max you have Parkinson's. 204 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,929 You mentioned last week you're seeing a neurologist. 205 00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:34,365 Yes. 206 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,200 Did you see a neurologist? 207 00:10:38,937 --> 00:10:41,905 You seem reluctant to tell me what the doctor said. 208 00:10:41,939 --> 00:10:45,708 Oh, I mean, you go to a top specialist, 209 00:10:45,742 --> 00:10:48,843 Cornell's fancy new wing, 210 00:10:48,878 --> 00:10:50,878 State-of-the-art... 211 00:10:50,913 --> 00:10:52,880 You'd think he'd at least order 212 00:10:52,914 --> 00:10:55,282 A c.A.T. Scan or an m.R.I. 213 00:10:55,316 --> 00:10:56,917 He didn't do that? 214 00:10:56,951 --> 00:10:58,485 He asked me to touch my nose, 215 00:10:58,519 --> 00:11:01,887 Walk down the hall, hop on one foot. 216 00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:03,422 And? How was that? 217 00:11:03,456 --> 00:11:05,591 I touched my nose. I walked. I hopped. 218 00:11:05,625 --> 00:11:07,592 Then he told me that Parkinson's 219 00:11:07,627 --> 00:11:10,161 Is a hard disease to diagnose. 220 00:11:10,196 --> 00:11:13,264 That they misdiagnose 30% of the time. 221 00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:15,833 He said the scans can't really tell you anything 222 00:11:15,867 --> 00:11:17,968 Until the later stages. 223 00:11:18,002 --> 00:11:20,136 But for you at this point he thought...? 224 00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:23,205 He thought, after our low-tech encounter, 225 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:27,542 That I'm not exhibiting enough symptoms 226 00:11:27,577 --> 00:11:30,812 For a positive diagnosis. 227 00:11:33,615 --> 00:11:37,017 He said we'd have to wait and see. 228 00:11:37,051 --> 00:11:39,719 You don't seem terribly relieved. 229 00:11:39,754 --> 00:11:41,921 I was so fucking relieved I actually called up Wendy 230 00:11:41,955 --> 00:11:43,956 And asked her out for sushi. 231 00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:45,891 She seemed shocked. 232 00:11:45,925 --> 00:11:49,427 She kept remarking about how up I seemed. 233 00:11:49,462 --> 00:11:51,429 So we sat down to lunch 234 00:11:51,463 --> 00:11:53,864 And I thought to myself, 235 00:11:53,898 --> 00:11:55,833 "wow, here I am 236 00:11:55,867 --> 00:12:00,069 Opposite this beautiful, fun woman." 237 00:12:01,538 --> 00:12:04,640 I found myself wondering why I ever doubted her. 238 00:12:04,674 --> 00:12:08,209 Sounds as if the doctor's visit had a significant effect. 239 00:12:08,244 --> 00:12:10,111 Yeah, it did for about 20 minutes. 240 00:12:10,145 --> 00:12:12,580 And then the food arrived. 241 00:12:12,614 --> 00:12:14,581 If you're worried about your hand shaking, 242 00:12:14,616 --> 00:12:16,583 Don't hold a piece of fish 243 00:12:16,617 --> 00:12:19,752 Between two 10" sticks of wood. 244 00:12:22,289 --> 00:12:25,357 I have an appointment in two weeks. 245 00:12:25,391 --> 00:12:27,726 I'm gonna get a second opinion. 246 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,727 You're seeing another neurologist? 247 00:12:29,762 --> 00:12:31,529 Yes. 248 00:12:31,563 --> 00:12:33,530 Well, I've had these symptoms for four months 249 00:12:33,565 --> 00:12:35,532 And they're not getting any better. 250 00:12:35,566 --> 00:12:38,201 It runs in my family. I think I owe myself 251 00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:40,403 A second opinion. 252 00:12:43,039 --> 00:12:45,507 Don't tell me you disagree. 253 00:12:45,541 --> 00:12:48,509 If it will make you more comfortable to get a second opinion, 254 00:12:48,544 --> 00:12:50,711 That's probably something you should do. 255 00:12:57,018 --> 00:13:01,053 You're genuinely frightened about being sick. 256 00:13:04,557 --> 00:13:07,826 How has your sleep been this week? 257 00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:09,894 Do you wake up thinking about all this? 258 00:13:09,928 --> 00:13:14,098 I take a pill and... 259 00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,767 Are you still king up after several hours? 260 00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:21,437 Are you still having the same dream? 261 00:13:21,471 --> 00:13:22,905 Yes. 262 00:13:24,274 --> 00:13:26,975 What, are you hoping for another compliment? 263 00:13:27,009 --> 00:13:28,610 I'm sorry? 264 00:13:28,644 --> 00:13:31,012 Another compliment to reject? 265 00:13:31,046 --> 00:13:32,413 I'm not sure I... 266 00:13:32,447 --> 00:13:34,848 Are you hoping I'll tell you that your theory was right? 267 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:37,517 That my dream contains images 268 00:13:37,551 --> 00:13:41,821 Of entrapment and paralysis? 269 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:45,791 That's what you asked me at the end of last week. 270 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,292 Does it? 271 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:50,495 Not that it was such a terribly difficult guess to make, 272 00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,330 But yeah. 273 00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:54,465 So go ahead, 274 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,967 Make a note in your book... 275 00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,870 "patient continues to lionize therapist 276 00:13:59,904 --> 00:14:03,973 To justify replacement of long-term analyst." 277 00:14:04,007 --> 00:14:06,175 I'll make a mental note. 278 00:14:06,209 --> 00:14:10,112 Sounds good. 279 00:14:10,146 --> 00:14:13,915 Will you tell me what you've been dreaming? 280 00:14:20,988 --> 00:14:24,357 I'm... 281 00:14:24,391 --> 00:14:26,492 I'm running 282 00:14:26,526 --> 00:14:29,194 Along the outside of this 283 00:14:29,228 --> 00:14:33,030 Tall wrought-iron fence. 284 00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:37,601 I'm outside. It's a field, 285 00:14:37,635 --> 00:14:40,537 Daytime, really bright. 286 00:14:40,571 --> 00:14:44,340 The fence starts to curve 287 00:14:44,374 --> 00:14:46,308 And I can sense 288 00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:49,611 This opening up ahead... 289 00:14:49,645 --> 00:14:50,845 Gates. 290 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:54,415 And I have this tremendous feeling of excitement. 291 00:14:54,449 --> 00:14:58,418 My heart is thumping. I have this anticipation. 292 00:14:58,453 --> 00:15:00,420 And then 293 00:15:00,454 --> 00:15:02,388 My legs just... 294 00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,924 They get... they get heavy 295 00:15:04,958 --> 00:15:06,892 And I'm slowing down 296 00:15:06,926 --> 00:15:11,196 As if I'm stuck in quicksand. 297 00:15:12,097 --> 00:15:15,132 And I can't move. 298 00:15:16,568 --> 00:15:21,104 I sense something behind me. 299 00:15:21,138 --> 00:15:24,740 And I turn my head. 300 00:15:24,775 --> 00:15:28,043 And... 301 00:15:29,579 --> 00:15:31,513 It's my father. 302 00:15:31,547 --> 00:15:34,649 He's walking towards me. 303 00:15:34,683 --> 00:15:37,351 I'm paralyzed. He's coming closer. 304 00:15:37,385 --> 00:15:40,954 And he's lurching 305 00:15:40,988 --> 00:15:43,923 Towards me. 306 00:15:43,957 --> 00:15:47,126 And... 307 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,561 And then I wake up with a start. 308 00:15:49,595 --> 00:15:52,864 I just startle awake. 309 00:15:55,467 --> 00:15:58,869 I've been having that dream for months, 310 00:15:58,903 --> 00:16:02,205 Since just after the symptoms started. 311 00:16:10,613 --> 00:16:15,550 I... 312 00:16:15,584 --> 00:16:18,619 Think I'm becoming my father. 313 00:16:31,397 --> 00:16:33,598 I'm being overtaken by him. 314 00:16:36,001 --> 00:16:38,469 I've tried my best to ignore it... 315 00:16:38,503 --> 00:16:40,504 The symptoms of the disease, 316 00:16:40,538 --> 00:16:43,906 The coming paralysis. 317 00:16:43,941 --> 00:16:46,342 Then I have the dream again 318 00:16:46,376 --> 00:16:50,878 And it's... it's clear to me 319 00:16:50,913 --> 00:16:54,982 What it's communicating. 320 00:16:55,016 --> 00:16:58,318 I just can't... 321 00:17:02,623 --> 00:17:05,958 I can't ignore it anymore. 322 00:17:23,774 --> 00:17:28,009 I woke up the other night, I went to check on Max. 323 00:17:29,678 --> 00:17:33,247 I watched him sleep. 324 00:17:33,281 --> 00:17:35,749 I just can't bear the thought 325 00:17:35,784 --> 00:17:39,419 Of what I might be passing on to him. 326 00:17:39,453 --> 00:17:42,054 Besides the physical issues, 327 00:17:42,089 --> 00:17:44,056 Are there personal traits 328 00:17:44,090 --> 00:17:46,324 You worry about passing on to your children? 329 00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:49,794 What, Parkinson's isn't enough? 330 00:17:49,828 --> 00:17:54,631 I asked you before, but you didn't answer... 331 00:17:54,666 --> 00:17:58,201 How has your relationship been with Max since he arrived? 332 00:17:58,235 --> 00:18:01,504 It's been a full week. 333 00:18:01,538 --> 00:18:04,239 Honestly, 334 00:18:04,274 --> 00:18:08,109 I've been worried about him. 335 00:18:09,578 --> 00:18:12,146 He just has his head in his sketchbook eight hours a day. 336 00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:14,214 He's got this leather-grade callus 337 00:18:14,248 --> 00:18:17,417 On his fingers from where he grips the pen. 338 00:18:17,451 --> 00:18:19,118 What are his drawings like? 339 00:18:19,153 --> 00:18:22,988 Gloomy, abstract, vaguely violent. 340 00:18:23,022 --> 00:18:27,992 My teenage patient Jesse 341 00:18:28,027 --> 00:18:30,027 Happened to see him in the hallway 342 00:18:30,062 --> 00:18:32,029 Outside my apartment. 343 00:18:32,063 --> 00:18:35,365 He said he seemed sad, 344 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,334 Headed for a world of pain. 345 00:18:38,369 --> 00:18:42,438 It's hard to hear him describe Max like at? 346 00:18:42,472 --> 00:18:45,574 Yes, it was. 347 00:18:48,978 --> 00:18:51,979 Jesse's been trying to get me 348 00:18:52,013 --> 00:18:55,616 To ask his social worker out on a date. 349 00:18:55,650 --> 00:18:57,584 He says 350 00:18:57,618 --> 00:19:00,286 She's sad just like me. 351 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,154 Is that how you see yourself? 352 00:19:02,189 --> 00:19:03,989 As sad? Why do you ask? 353 00:19:04,023 --> 00:19:06,992 What, do you think of me as chipper? 354 00:19:10,028 --> 00:19:13,197 Could that be what you're worried about passing on to Max? 355 00:19:13,231 --> 00:19:17,067 Well, I hope that he's happier than I am, 356 00:19:18,669 --> 00:19:21,303 And healthier. 357 00:19:21,338 --> 00:19:24,173 But, you see, you have to understand, 358 00:19:24,207 --> 00:19:27,208 That's a major part of it... being sick... 359 00:19:27,243 --> 00:19:31,512 The burden I'll be placing on them. 360 00:19:31,546 --> 00:19:35,115 Not so easy to be happy when you got that dragging you down. 361 00:19:35,149 --> 00:19:37,817 "dragging me down"... that's very similar 362 00:19:37,851 --> 00:19:40,653 To how you described yourself in the dream. 363 00:19:43,089 --> 00:19:45,924 You feel this weight in your dream 364 00:19:45,958 --> 00:19:47,792 Is connected to the Parkinson's. 365 00:19:47,826 --> 00:19:50,594 I'm being pursued by my father, 366 00:19:50,629 --> 00:19:53,530 Overtaken by his illness. 367 00:19:53,564 --> 00:19:55,565 That's one interpretation. 368 00:19:55,599 --> 00:19:57,533 You described yourself 369 00:19:57,568 --> 00:20:01,236 As running along a wrought-iron fence 370 00:20:01,271 --> 00:20:03,004 In a field. 371 00:20:03,039 --> 00:20:05,973 Do you have any associations with that place, 372 00:20:06,008 --> 00:20:07,675 Where you might be? 373 00:20:07,709 --> 00:20:09,143 The feeling you describe... 374 00:20:09,177 --> 00:20:11,178 I'm just... I'm just running. 375 00:20:11,212 --> 00:20:12,812 I-I-I... 376 00:20:12,847 --> 00:20:15,014 As I said, I feel excited. 377 00:20:15,049 --> 00:20:17,616 There's this feeling of, 378 00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:20,786 I don't know, possibility. 379 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:23,521 And my father stops me 380 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,456 Just like he did in life. 381 00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:29,026 As he's doing now with my genetic inheritance. 382 00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:32,062 I'm struck by the fact that you 383 00:20:32,096 --> 00:20:36,766 Become stuck, begin to slow 384 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,334 Before you turn and see your father approaching. 385 00:20:39,369 --> 00:20:41,002 What do you mean, before? 386 00:20:41,037 --> 00:20:43,037 Well, that's what you said. 387 00:20:43,072 --> 00:20:45,640 I'm wondering if you have some agency 388 00:20:45,674 --> 00:20:47,941 In stopping yourself from moving forward. 389 00:20:47,976 --> 00:20:50,677 I'm slowing down. I'm dragged down. 390 00:20:50,711 --> 00:20:52,845 Then I turn and I see 391 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,648 It's my father who's doing it. 392 00:20:58,251 --> 00:21:01,086 It angers you when I ask you about your role in this. 393 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,888 You were also disturbed by what you take to be 394 00:21:03,922 --> 00:21:05,856 Gina's account of you 395 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:08,392 As self-defeating or self sabotaging. 396 00:21:08,426 --> 00:21:11,061 Look, any shrink will tell you 397 00:21:11,095 --> 00:21:13,396 That a patient is the author of his own life. 398 00:21:13,430 --> 00:21:16,398 Of course. Of course that's true. 399 00:21:16,433 --> 00:21:19,401 You may now proceed 400 00:21:19,435 --> 00:21:21,903 To second-year graduate studies 401 00:21:21,937 --> 00:21:23,604 In human psychology. 402 00:21:23,639 --> 00:21:25,606 But if you'll also recall 403 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,342 Some of your coursework in medical school, 404 00:21:28,376 --> 00:21:31,845 You'll remember that you can't deny the fact 405 00:21:31,879 --> 00:21:34,413 That certain diseases are inherited. 406 00:21:34,448 --> 00:21:38,050 I've inherited this illness from my father. 407 00:21:38,084 --> 00:21:41,820 It's been forced on me. I didn't ask to have Parkinson's. 408 00:21:41,854 --> 00:21:44,622 I didn't ask to be sick. 409 00:21:44,656 --> 00:21:46,957 Do you think about what your life might become 410 00:21:46,992 --> 00:21:49,326 If you do have Parkinson's? 411 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,394 Of course I do. 412 00:21:51,429 --> 00:21:53,396 Every day. 413 00:21:53,430 --> 00:21:55,564 What do you envision? 414 00:21:55,599 --> 00:21:58,367 What would your day-to-day life like? 415 00:21:58,401 --> 00:22:01,202 I don't know. Probably something very similar 416 00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:04,505 To what it held for my father. 417 00:22:04,539 --> 00:22:08,875 I'd be less and less able to leave the house, 418 00:22:08,910 --> 00:22:13,779 Less and less able to take care of myself. 419 00:22:13,814 --> 00:22:15,781 Eventually I'd need care 420 00:22:15,816 --> 00:22:19,117 In my own home. 421 00:22:19,151 --> 00:22:21,119 Then, in the final stages, 422 00:22:21,153 --> 00:22:23,087 I'd be lifted up 423 00:22:23,121 --> 00:22:25,856 And carried off to a nursing home 424 00:22:25,890 --> 00:22:30,093 Still in my fucking chair, given round-the-clock care 425 00:22:30,127 --> 00:22:34,897 Like an infant in diapers and a bib. 426 00:22:34,931 --> 00:22:37,399 Is there anything that feels comforting to you 427 00:22:37,433 --> 00:22:39,167 In that fantasy? 428 00:22:40,803 --> 00:22:44,105 Fantasy? Is that a joke? 429 00:22:44,139 --> 00:22:46,106 Does it seem significant to you 430 00:22:46,140 --> 00:22:50,410 That you chose the image of an infant being cared for 431 00:22:50,444 --> 00:22:52,678 As your notion of what it would be like to be sick? 432 00:22:52,713 --> 00:22:56,014 No, but it clearly does to you. 433 00:22:56,049 --> 00:22:58,750 I am a grown man. 434 00:22:58,784 --> 00:23:01,486 The idea of being swaddled and wiped and burped 435 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,954 Doesn't fall under the most attractive scenarios 436 00:23:03,989 --> 00:23:05,922 For the majority of adult men. 437 00:23:05,957 --> 00:23:09,125 We're not talking about the majority of adult men. We're talking about you. 438 00:23:09,159 --> 00:23:12,428 Precisely. Why the fuck would I want to have Parkinson's disease? 439 00:23:12,462 --> 00:23:16,565 Why on earth would I find that comforting? 440 00:23:19,568 --> 00:23:21,535 This is why I should have been more diligent 441 00:23:21,570 --> 00:23:25,806 In finding a therapist with a bit of life experience. 442 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,842 You feel free to propose these absurd theories 443 00:23:28,876 --> 00:23:32,144 Because you really don't have any idea 444 00:23:32,179 --> 00:23:34,780 About what aging feels like... 445 00:23:34,814 --> 00:23:37,883 Watching your body fall apart. 446 00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:41,519 You have no idea 447 00:23:41,554 --> 00:23:43,554 What that is. 448 00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:46,757 And you have no idea that just around the next corner 449 00:23:46,791 --> 00:23:49,926 Might be complete disability, 450 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:51,894 Might be the beginning 451 00:23:51,929 --> 00:23:56,999 Of a very short road to death. 452 00:23:59,602 --> 00:24:02,336 You're 57 years old, not 80. 453 00:24:03,772 --> 00:24:06,106 You were told this week by a qualified neurologist 454 00:24:06,141 --> 00:24:09,009 That you probably don't have Parkinson's... 455 00:24:09,043 --> 00:24:11,911 He said that we would have to wait and see. 456 00:24:11,946 --> 00:24:14,113 And yet you continue to be invested 457 00:24:14,147 --> 00:24:16,549 In this possibility that you do. 458 00:24:16,583 --> 00:24:19,951 I'm trying to understand why. 459 00:24:19,986 --> 00:24:22,554 You've been to see two doctors this week, including me. 460 00:24:22,588 --> 00:24:25,656 You have plans to see a third. 461 00:24:25,691 --> 00:24:28,258 Do you find it comforting 462 00:24:28,293 --> 00:24:32,662 To be cared for, protected in this way? 463 00:24:34,498 --> 00:24:36,599 Can you tell me what it is you feel 464 00:24:36,633 --> 00:24:38,433 These doctors are protecting you from? 465 00:24:38,468 --> 00:24:40,669 I'm sick. There are doctors out there 466 00:24:40,703 --> 00:24:42,770 Who help you when you're sick. 467 00:24:42,771 --> 00:24:45,072 I understand. 468 00:24:45,107 --> 00:24:47,107 Who help you if it turns out when you're ill, 469 00:24:47,142 --> 00:24:49,076 I'll be here for you 470 00:24:49,110 --> 00:24:51,678 As long as you want to talk with me. 471 00:25:02,154 --> 00:25:03,754 Okay. 472 00:25:05,824 --> 00:25:07,591 I think 473 00:25:07,625 --> 00:25:10,060 We're out of time. 474 00:25:10,094 --> 00:25:13,629 Will you tell me something before we finish? 475 00:25:15,365 --> 00:25:17,399 In the beginning of your dream... 476 00:25:17,433 --> 00:25:19,734 You described it quite vividly... 477 00:25:19,769 --> 00:25:21,903 That excitement, 478 00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:24,938 The feeling of openness, possibility. 479 00:25:24,973 --> 00:25:27,874 When was the last time you felt that? 480 00:25:29,877 --> 00:25:31,611 Can you remember? 481 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:37,382 Truthfully, 482 00:25:37,416 --> 00:25:40,084 No idea. 483 00:25:46,157 --> 00:25:47,824 Will you tell me something? 484 00:25:47,858 --> 00:25:49,793 Sure. 485 00:25:49,827 --> 00:25:53,062 When I was talking about Gina's book earlier on, 486 00:25:53,096 --> 00:25:55,497 You seemed to know the reference I was making 487 00:25:55,531 --> 00:25:58,233 When I said that 488 00:25:58,267 --> 00:26:01,168 The character was like bartleby. 489 00:26:02,837 --> 00:26:04,438 Did you? 490 00:26:04,472 --> 00:26:06,139 Why is it important to you to know? 491 00:26:06,174 --> 00:26:08,074 Because I like to be understood. 492 00:26:08,108 --> 00:26:10,743 I need to know that when... 493 00:26:10,778 --> 00:26:12,811 When I'm talking to somebody, 494 00:26:12,846 --> 00:26:16,615 That they understand me. 495 00:26:16,649 --> 00:26:19,217 They understand what I'm saying. 496 00:26:22,354 --> 00:26:24,888 Do you know who I was talking about? 497 00:26:29,393 --> 00:26:31,761 The scrivener. 498 00:26:50,678 --> 00:26:52,678 I gave Wendy this book 499 00:26:52,713 --> 00:26:55,114 The first week that we met. 500 00:26:55,148 --> 00:26:58,016 It's called "the memory of running." 501 00:26:58,050 --> 00:27:00,352 She hasn't read it yet, 502 00:27:00,386 --> 00:27:04,888 But she still thinks it's about running 503 00:27:04,923 --> 00:27:08,091 It's not? 504 00:27:11,562 --> 00:27:13,662 Have a good week. 505 00:27:28,509 --> 00:27:32,509 Sync by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com