>>> and now a message from the
Vice president of the united
States, joe biden.
>> good evening, my fellow
Americans.
This coming Tuesday's election
Is essential to the future of
This country.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I think we're going to get our
Asses handed to us.
It's going to be a good old
Fashioned blood bath.
But joe biden doe give up.
So while the president is out
Trying to rally voters, I want
To address you directly.
Because when things can't get
Any worse, it's biden time.
[ laughter ]
>> now, americans, I know you're
Upset.
And I know you're dissatisfied.
But I want to ask you --
I want to ask you a question.
Is it really that bad?
Because when I hear you
Complaining about the state of
This nation, you know who I
Think of?
Those brave chilean miners.
Yeah.
Now, those sorry bastards were
Trapped underground for 69 days.
And did they complain?
No.
You know what they did every
Day?
They sang their national anthem.
They sang their national anthem!
>> so before you start belly
Aching about the direction our
Country is going in, I would
Like you to answer the joe biden
Checklist.
One, are you above ground?
[ laughter ]
And that's it.
[ laughter ]
That's all I got.
[ applause ]
If the answer is yes, maybe cool
It with the whining, okay?
You're mad about the economy?
Well for 69 days, those 33
Miners had to do their business
In the corner of a mine.
No door, with all their buddies
Watching.
Now, you may be saying, well,
You know, it was pretty dark.
But hey, they knew.
Yeah, they knew.
[ laughter ]
Yeah.
And still, when they came out of
That hole, they were all smiles.
And they gave their president a
Big 'ole hug.
Yeah, they didn't come up to
Him, jab a finger in his chest
Asking why there wasn't tougher
Mining regulations, you know?
They just high-fived him and
Went on their way.
But our guy tries to give you
Health care and he's a
Socialist.
Now, I'm not gonna lie, it gets
Me riled up.
Now, the president, he's not
Going to get mad about this,
Okay, that's not his style.
The guy is a robot.
True story.
I've never seen him sleep.
[ laughter ]
No.
I always try to stay up late
Enough to watch him doze off,
But I'm out by 9:30.
That's just me.
Same thing with me on christmas
Eve when I was a kid.
Was sure that my dad was santa.
But to this day, can't prove it.
What I can prove is that 33
Chileans were in a hole.
And instead of starting a tea
Party, they wrapped themselves
Up in their flags like their
Country just won the world cup.
Jumping around, having a good
Time, enjoying life.
Now, sure, part of that you can
Write off because of the whole
Latin thing.
[ laughter ]
>> right.
But why should they be that much
Happier than us?
They were underground.
I can't even imagine.
True story.
I was once stuck in an elevator
With two other guys for only 15
Minutes.
And both of those guys said it
Was the worst experience of
Their lives.
[ laughter ]
>> yeah.
Yeah.
So when you go to the polls on
Tuesday, or not --
You know, it won't matter, like
I said, blood bath.
I want you to remember the joe
Biden motto.
Don't be whiners, think about
The miners, and live from new
York, it's Saturday night!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> announcer: It's "Saturday
Night live"!
With fred armisen --
Cathy elliott --
Bill hader --
Seth meyers --
Bobby moynihan --
Kenan thompson --
Kristen wiig --
Featuring --
Vanessa bayer --
Paul britain --
Karen killian --
Nasim pedrad --
Jay farrell --
Musical guest --
Rihanna --
And your host --
Jon hamm.
[ cheers and applause ]
Ladies and gentlemen, jon hamm!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> thank you!
Thank you very much.
Thank you!
It is so great to be back at
"Saturday night live."
First off, happy Halloween.
[ cheers and applause ]
This is actually the second time
I've hosted the Halloween show
At "snl", and you may noticed,
I've switched up my costume.
The first time I hosted, I went
As nervous.
[ laughter ]
This year I'm going as slightly
Less nervous.
[ laughter ]
It's a very exciting time for
Me.
I just finished my fourth season
On "mad men."
[ cheers and applause ]
One of the many benefits of
Being on "mad men" is getting to
Know the world of advertising.
It's funny, but playing don has
Made me think about ad campaigns
A lot.
Sometimes I may be walking down
The street and I'll see a
Product and a slogan will just
Pop into my head.
Here, I'll show you.
Someone name a product.
You.
>> um --
>> it can be anything.
>> purses.
Uh --
What are purses?
They're for ladies to hold
Things.
But they're more than that.
Purses are the things you need
For the small trips in life.
They're --
Oh, I almost have it.
Every day is a secret vacation
With your tiny lady suitcase,
Purses!
Not bad, right?
You would buy a purse, wouldn't
You, m'am?
>> I'm not a woman.
>> yeah, that was fun.
Let's try another one.
What about you, young lady?
>> me?
Um --
Diapers?
>> diapers.
Uh --
Pants for babies.
[ laughter ]
No.
No, they're more than that,
Because you can't crap in pants.
[ laughter ]
When you have an accident,
Diapers are there to catch it.
Like the net under a trapeze
Act.
Diapers got your back.
No, diapers got your butt.
[ laughter ]
Picture this.
Adorable baby, backwards
Baseball hat and the words come
Up "don't worry, little homey,
We got your butt, diapers."
That's pretty good, if I do say
So, myself.
[ cheers and applause ]
What do you think, ma'am?
>> me?
>> no, her.
>> yeah, I'm not a --
>> how about you!
Name something.
>> refrigerators.
That's easy.
A box of winter for your food to
Live in.
Come on now.
I want to be challenged here.
[ laughter ]
>> oh, you want to be
Challenged?
[ laughter ]
>> you think you can take me?
>> I know I can take you.
[ laughter ]
>> let's hear it, weird guy.
>> nine-volt batteries.
[ audience ohs ]
[ laughter ]
>> nine-volt batteries.
It's hip to be square?
No, that's too obvious.
With two nipple-like connectors,
There's no way this battery
Won't turn you on.
No, that's too dirty.
This is your grandfather's
Battery.
That's too familiar.
Come on!
You can do this, hammer!
Yes, that's what I call myself.
I will get this.
[ laughter ]
Nine volts.
It's so hard, because they're
Different from every other
Battery.
Wait.
That's it.
Caught in a maze of boring
Batteries?
You're going to want to dial a
Nine to get out.
Nine-volt batteries!
[ light laughter ]
>> whew!
>> yes, that's the correct
Slogan.
>> wham, bam, thank you, hamm!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> and lady, call me later.
>> oh, I will.
[ laughter ]
I mean, hey, it's jon hamm.
[ laughter ]
>> we have a great show for you
Tonight.
Rihanna is here.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> so stick around.
We will be right back.
>>> we've done the work.
We know the system.
We have the fire power, and we
Have each other.
You ready?
[ laughter ]
♪ yeah ♪
♪ eh eh eh eh eh eh we at it
Again ♪
[ cheers ]
♪ everybody now hands in the air
It's a stick up, stick up no
Funny business you got lit up,
Lit up ♪
♪ you can't fight you gon' die
And at your funeral, your momma
Gon' cry ♪
♪ so customers hit the floor,
Floor and clerks open cash
Drawers slow, slow ♪
♪ if you don't wanna end up dead
You'll do everything shy rodney
Says ♪
♪ tell 'em, rodney ♪
>> [ inaudible ]
[ laughter ]
♪ no one in the bank can hear
You ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ shy rodney use your outside
Voice ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ we don't have time for this ♪
>> ha haw!
♪ let's go ♪
♪ so stay on the ground it's a
Stick up, stick up your wallets
And jewels we'll pick up, pick
Up ♪
♪ unload the cash move your ass
We gettin' money tell 'em, shy
Ronnie ♪
>> [ inaudible ]
[ laughter ]
♪ please ♪
♪ please use your words ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ just imagine that everyone's
Naked ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ uh oh [ laughter ]
♪ boner alert ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ you really pictured them
Naked ♪
>> ha haw!
♪ why did I think you could do
This? ♪
♪ rodney, hostage on the move ♪
[ gunshot ]
♪ he shot himself ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ and why is your gun so
Small? ♪
[ police siren ]
♪ the police are on their way ♪
>> come out with your hands up!
♪ good luck, shy rodney bye
Bye ♪
>> ha haw!
♪ rodney, mother --
And I'm back from the dead so I
Shot my own leg ♪
♪ don't get the name twisted
'cause I'm crazy as --
I hung a giant-ass noose off my
Giant ass -- ♪
♪ hey ♪ I forgot this money and
Also this guy come on we're
Gonna have sex ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ and you can hang from it
'cause you don't wanna see my
Real gun ♪
♪ shots through the sky but your
Face sounds real fun ♪ rock ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> you're watching tv land in
The common room in a nursing
Home.
Up next, "vincent price's
1960 Halloween special."
>> ha ha ha.
Once again, it's that time of
Year when the tombs come open,
And the spirits rise from their
Graves, and --
Am I in the shot?
Hello!
The talking skeleton doesn't
Work if I'm in the shot!
What's rehearsal even for?
Go to the open.
>> and now, colgate presents
"vincent price's Halloween
Special."
Now please welcome your host,
Prince of hades, vincent price.
>> this evening the price
Mansion is transformed into a
House of spooky horrors, and
I've asked some of my famous
Friends to bring by some treats
For the neighborhood boys and
Girls.
[ doorbell ringing ]
And our first guest has just
Arrived, hollywood legend,
Judy garland.
>> oh, let me in!
>> what's wrong, judy?
>> there's a tall scary man
Outside with a big green hat!
[ laughter ]
>> judy, that's a palm tree.
Okay, so, judy, did you bring
Any candy?
>> I brought m&m's!
[ laughter ]
>> judy, that's very clearly a
Bottle of pills that you've
Drawn m's on.
>> I drew m's on them so I knew
What they were for.
This one is for me.
[ laughter ]
This one is for me, too.
[ laughter ]
This one is for me and this one
Is for me.
>> pace yourself, judy.
It's 7:30.
[ doorbell ringing ]
>> another guest.
Who could it be?
Well, it's none other than
Democratic presidential nominee
John f. Kennedy.
[ laughter ]
>> good to be here, vincent.
>> and who's your friend?
>> well, you told me to bring
Candy, so I would like to
Introduce candy dicenzo of the
Reno dicenzo's.
[ giggles ]
>> you're so funny, johnny!
>> good god, you're running for
President!
>> don't worry, she's just my
Campaign manager.
And also a prostitute.
[ laughter ]
Hey there, judy, do you have any
M&m's for me, the back pill
Kind.
>> I do, but I don't have any
Water.
>> that's okay.
I can dry swallow.
>> don't say swallow!
♪
[ laughter ]
>> liberace, you weren't invited
This year.
>> oh, I couldn't miss a party
Vincent.
>> well, as long as you're on
Good behavior.
>> did you bring us any candy?
>> well, aren't these lovely?
These are rum and kahlua
Meringues.
They have a hard outer shell,
But if you work at it, you get a
Mouth full of cream.
[ laughter ]
>> liberace --
Future president is here.
Senator, I apologize for my
Friend's behavior.
>> mmm -- yeah.
[ laughter ]
>> ah, this is a tough one.
But I'm going to go with judy.
>> I'm a winner!
>> take tracks, candy.
>> geezy-creezy, senator.
Voters are watching.
Well, now it's time for arts and
Crafts where we learn how to
Make spooky crafts.
Let's go to our pumpkin.
Step one.
Carve a hole.
>> step two, wait behind it.
[ laughter ]
>> liberace!
>> step two, carve a spooky face
With a big, wide mouth.
>> the fewer the teeth, the
Better.
>> liberace!
[ laughter ]
Please, stop!
Then, for a little fun, put a
Candle in the pumpkin.
>> you know, for a lot of fun, I
Like to put my candle between
Two pumpkins.
>> liber -- senator!
I'm getting it from both sides.
[ in unison ]
>> been there, done that.
[ laughter ]
>> oh --
Now, where were we?
>> vincent, judy just had the
Best idea for my administration.
Tell them, judy.
>> I think we should put a man
On the moon.
>> isn't that wonderful?
>> man on the moon, what would
They do?
>> tell them, judy.
>> isn't it obvious?
Play golf!
>> how great is that?
>> it's not great, it's
Impossible.
>> we do things not because they
Are easy.
But because they are hard.
>> I do them because they are
Hard and easy.
>> all rihght!
All right!
New rule --
Be careful what you say around
Liberace.
He can twist anything.
>> I can bend anything, too.
>> ah, hey!
Ah.
Ooh.
[ laughter ]
Moving on.
It's time for our spooky science
Experiment.
Judy, can you be my volunteer?
>> love to!
>> put on the blindfold.
Now, put your hands in the first
Bowl.
>> oh.
Oh!
>> these are zombie brains!
>> oh, I don't like this!
Oh, I don't like this at all!
>> we're having spooky fun here,
Spooky fun.
All friends.
Now, these are zombie eyeballs!
>> oh, that is the worst thing
Ever!
Crazy, I tell you, crazy!
Mickey rooney!
>> mickey rooney?
She is flipping out.
Look, the brains were just
Spaghetti, and the eyeballs were
Just grapes.
>> that's right.
And this zombie finger here is
Just a sausage.
[ laughter ]
>> sausage?
There isn't a sausage!
[ laughter ]
Liberace!
[ laughter ]
>> you've got my vote.
>> that's it.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
That's it!
[ laughter ]
>> why's your hand still in
There senator?
[ cheers and applause ]
>> 45 years ago.
Robert zemeckis took us on a
Journey back in time.
And now, you can take that
Journey again with the 25th
Anniversary dvd of "back to the
Future," including never before
Seen screen tests.
[ bleep ]
>> al pacino as doc brown.
>> doc brown.
Al, you are doc brown.
Marty!
My calculations are correct.
When this baby hits 88 miles per
Hour, you're gonna see some
Serious [ bleep ]!
>> okay, cut!
[ bleep ]
>> eddie murphy, screen test.
>> doc you gotta listen to me!
The bruise on your head!
I know what happened!
You told me the whole story.
You was standing on your toilet,
You were hanging a clock, you
Fell and you hit your head on
The sink!
And that's where you came up
With the idea of the flux
Capacitor!
Hey man, what the hell is this
Movie about?
>> it's about time travel,
Eddie.
>> time travel?
[ laughs ]
>> oh my god, that is hilarious!
That's crazy, man.
That's funny.
That means you can go in the
Future and do some stuff your
Ass ain't even done yet.
Like hey, I ain't slept yet, but
I will.
Yes!
[ laughs ]
That is funny.
>> jennifer tilly, take one.
>> why do you keep calling me
Calvin?
>> well, that's your name isn't
It?
Calvin klein?
It's written all over your
Underwear.
>> okay, maybe play a little
More natural.
>> sure.
Calvin klein.
It's written all over your
Underwear.
Cut.
That was great.
>> sam kinison, take one.
>> wait doc.
Are you telling me that you
Built a time machine out of a
Delorean?
You idiot!
Oh!
>> hey wait, sam!
>> oh!
>> sam!
>> oh!
>> robin williams, take one.
>> marty, it's getting heavy in
Here.
Ooh, yes.
Ooh.
1.21 jiggawatts!
Yo, marty!
We gotta get the hell out of
Here!
No marty!
We gotta harness the lightning!
Woo!
Praise jesus!
Ooh!
The space-time continuum, si!
>> cut!
>> did I get it?
Oh, mister happy thinks so!
>> al pacino.
All right.
1.21 jiggawatts?
Great, scott!
>> no.
It's like an expression.
Like --
Great scott!
>> right, right, right.
Okay.
1.21 jiggawats?
You're doing a great job, scott!
Hey everyone, three cheers for
Scott!
>> okay, you can go.
>> all right.
>> the 25th anniversary "back to
The future dvd."
Own it today.
>> next for the part of nicole
We have lizette barns.
>> hello.
>> well, hello.
I don't think we've had you in
Here before.
>> I'm with classy faces talent
Agency.
You've heard of them?
>> no, can't say that I have.
>> oh, well, here's my head
Picture.
It is of me dressed as a sailor,
Looking into a crystal ball,
Pretending to be surprised.
[ laughter ]
>> that's exactly what it is.
Okay, that's great.
>> listen, before we start, I've
Read the play.
It is very racy.
So there are no surprises later,
I am just gonna tell you what I
Am comfortable doing and not
Doing, and you will just have to
Deal with it.
>> okay.
>> all right.
Well, I am willing to show my
Legs.
My arms.
My face.
My stomach.
My full back.
My toes.
Top part of my head.
My naked breasts.
My butt crack.
My belly button.
My full vagina.
[ laughter ]
Let's see.
I will show my nipples.
My spread-apart butt.
My pushed-together boobs.
>> okay --
You're not gonna have to --
>> these are things that I will
Do.
I will sing, I will swear.
I will show my bush.
[ laughter ]
I will tap, I will jiggle.
I will cry.
I will push my boobs together.
I will lift up my skirt, turn
Away from the audience, bend
Over and pass gas with sound.
[ laughter ]
>> lizette, I think you might
Have read a different script.
>> these are the following
Things that are out of the
Question.
I refuse to wear a costume.
Um -- that's it.
[ light laughter ]
>> well, that could be a
Problem.
>> and these are some things I
Might be talked into doing.
I might punch myself in the
Face.
I might touch a ding dong, never
Say never.
I might tinkle in a fake sink.
I might eat a very small bowl of
White bird waste if it is
Relevant to the story.
Otherwise, I mean, come on.
>> lizette, can I give you a
Little feedback?
>> oh, yeah, uh-huh.
>> you're not getting this part.
>> no!
Give it to me!
>> I'm sorry to interrupt.
But I'm her husband.
I just have to know, how is this
Going?
>> I just told me I didn't get
The part.
It's done.
>> well, you are making a huge
Mistake, sir.
>> sandy, please.
>> no, I want to do this.
This woman isn't just my wife.
She is an actress.
She is a masteress of her craft.
Are you insane in the membrane?
[ laughter ]
Insane in the brain?
>> you guys gotta go.
>> first, let me ask you, sir,
Have you seen this woman's
Stanley steemer commercial?
>> sandy, don't.
>> no.
Well, let me remind you.
Two women are having a
Conversation on a couch.
A child runs in and asks mommy
To look at the family dog's new
Trick.
Well, unfortunately, his trick
Is dragging his dirty rear along
The carpet.
And she has to get so mad!
Do it, honey.
>> tommy!
[ laughter ]
>> wow.
That's you.
>> yes.
It's her.
And I am sorry if she has
Standards, unlike every other
Loose actress that comes in
Here.
>> no, no, no, you're right.
I'm sorry.
>> so, now that you know who she
Really is, does she have the
Part?
>> no.
[ light laughter ]
>> what if she were to put a
Jelly bean on the chair, sit
Down and then when sits back up,
The jelly bean is gone?
[ laughter ]
>> get out.
>> what if it's a plum?
>> good bye!
>> good day, sir.
I mean jerk.
>> I hope you're happy.
Who's next?
>> uh, sandell barns.
>> great.
[ laughter ]
>> hello.
I am sandell barns.
I am with the top hat warehouse
Agency.
I will show the backs of my
Legs.
My pushed together butt.
The front of my weiner.
I will wear diapers.
I will not work with children,
Although I will dance with them.
I may juggle.
I will show my wife's vagina.
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
>> the 25th anniversary "back to
The future" dvd.
>> nicolas cage, take one!
>> 1.21 jiggawatts?
How am I going to generate that
Kind of power?
>> what in the hell is a
Jiggawatt?
Tell me!
Tell me you bastard!
>> cut!
Yeah, nick.
I'm really sorry but you're
Coming off a little crazy.
>> yeah.
You think I'm crazy now?
Check back with me in 25 years!
[ laughs ]
>> this is so nice you guys
Letting me come down here.
You got your lights here.
Your flag there.
>> alan alda as biff.
>> he's great.
Wait a second, let me get this
Straight.
This marty mcfly covered my
Convertible in horse manure, so
Now I have to beat him up and
Beat his dad up?
Uh --
How does that --
>> actually, they're the same
Age.
>> the same?
The dad and the son are the same
Age.
Wow.
Well this is a --
A real wild movie you guys are
Making here.
Uh --
Godspeed.
I want in.
Who do I [ bleep ]?
>> prince, take one.
Prince, you want to come up
Here?
[ bleep ]
>> bill cosby, take one.
>> listen doc, about the
Future --
>> no!
Marty, we've already agreed that
Having information about the
Future can have disastrous
Consequences about the past.
And the flux capacitor --
And the fluxitator --
With the flixing and the
Fluxing --
And you end up with sunburn on
Your face.
Uh --
>> gilbert gottfried as biff.
>> what?
Are you looking at?
Butthead?
>> joan cusack, take one.
>> hey you!
Get your meat hooks off me you,
You biff, you.
>> no.
>> hey, what are you looking at
Butthead?
Hey, why don't you make like a
Tree and get out of here.
You know, that is a great line.
That is so great.
The stuff you guys are doing
With the 50's and everything --
I had jackets like this.
Can you believe that?
I'm the old guy.
>> pee wee herman as marty
Mcfly.
>> this Saturday, we're sending
You back to the future.
>> future!
That's the magic word!
[ laughs ]
>> okay.
Don't forget, you're supposed to
Be a normal, modern day
Teenager.
>> I know you are, but what am
I?
>> that is what you are.
>> I know you are, but what am
I?
>> okay just --
Forget it.
[ laughs ]
>> the 25th anniversary "back to
The future" dvd.
Own it today.
>>> ladies and gentlemen,
Rihanna.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name
What's my name ♪
♪ not everybody
Knows how to work my body
Knows how to
Make me want it ♪
♪ boy you stay up on it
You got that something
That keeps me
So off balance ♪
♪ baby you're a challenge
Lets explore your talent ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna see
If you can go downtown
With a girl like me ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna be with
You
'cause you just my type
Ooh na na na na ♪
♪ I need a boy to
Take it over
Looking for a guy
To put in work, uh ♪
♪ o-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna see
If you can go downtown
With a girl like me ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna be with
You
'cause you just my type
Ooh na na na na ♪
♪ I need a boy to take it over
Looking for a guy
To put in work, uh ♪
♪ o-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name
What's my name♪
♪ baby you got me
Ain't nowhere that I'd be
Than with your
Arms around me ♪
♪ back and forth
You rock me ♪
♪ so I surrender
To every word you whisper
Every door you enter
I will let you in ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna see
If you can go downtown
With a girl like me ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna be with
You
'cause you just my type
Ooh na na na na ♪
♪ I need a boy to
Take it over
Looking for a guy
To put in work, uh ♪
♪ o-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh ♪
♪ you're so amazing
You took the time
To figure me out ♪
♪ that's why you take me
Way past the point of
Turning me on ♪
♪ you 'bout to break me
I swear you got
Me losing my mind ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na what's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name ♪
♪ ooh na na
What's my name
What's my name ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna see
If you can go downtown
With a girl like me ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna be with
You
'cause you just my type
Ooh na na na na ♪
♪ I need a boy to
Take it over
Looking for a guy
To put in work, uh ♪
♪ o-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna see
If you can go downtown
With a girl like me ♪
♪ hey boy I really wanna be with
You
'cause you just my type
Ooh na na na na ♪
♪ I need a boy to
Take it over
Looking for a guy
To put in work, uh ♪
♪ o-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh ♪
♪
♪ o-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh ♪
♪
♪ o-o-o-o-oh o-o-o-o-oh ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> weekend update with seth
Meyers.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I'm seth meyers, and here are
Tonight's top stories.
>>> in an interview on
"entertainment tonight" this
Week, sarah palin told mary hart
That she may run for president
In 2012 if there was no one to
Do it.
That's not how you run for
President, that's how you offer
To babysit.
While campaigning in florida
This past weekend, palin also
Plugged her upcoming reality
Show "sarah palin's alaska."
If you haven't seen it, the
Entire show takes place in sarah
Palin's rear-view mirror.
[ laughter ]
On Friday, two packages
Containing explosive devices
Were found on cargo planes from
Yemen, bound for chicago area
Synagogues.
Although I can't imagine anyone
In the synagogue answering the
Door and saying, "oh, a strange
Package from yemen.
Where do I sign?"
[ laughter ]
>>> the official portrait of
Former new york city mayor
Rudy giuliani was unveiled
Publicly in the city Tuesday,
And I'm proud of new yorkers
Because by Wednesday, it only
Had one penis drawn on it.
[ laughter ]
Well, jon cryer, I think you can
Go ahead and book that vacation.
Actor charlie sheen was removed
From new york's plaza hotel
Monday when he went on a naked
Drunken rampage and caused
$7,000 worth of damage to his
Hotel suite.
$7,000?
He must have taken the cashews
Out of the mini bar.
>>> the tsa announced it will
Change the method for manually
Searching passengers and
Searches will now include an
Agent running his or her hand up
The inside of a passenger's leg
While this music plays.
♪
[ laughter ]
>>> the midterm elections are
Just a few days away, and most
Of the polls are predicting
Gains for republicans in both
The house and senate.
Here to comment, political
Strategist mr. James carville.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hello there!
>> now, james --
Yeah, all right.
So the big story this election
Is, of course, the tea party.
Now, do you think they're ready
To be taken seriously as a
Political force?
>> seth, I love the tea party.
Those guys make me look
Attractive and that ain't easy.
I mean, look at me, seth.
>> seth, I love the tea party.
Those guys make me look
Attractive and that ain't easy.
I mean, look at me, seth.
I look like a mean peanut!
[ laughter ]
>> back to the election, james.
It seems like a lot of fringe
Candidates have more support
Than ever.
>> well, see, I thought crazy
Can be appealing.
I made a career out of it.
But that doesn't mean I should
Be elected to office.
I mean, when I worked for
Clinton, I used to have dreams
That I was president, and they
Were nuts.
And in one dream, my vice
President was a smart alec
Possum, and every night he and I
Would get high.
[ laughter ]
>> it was a funny dream, but it
Wouldn't be good for the
Country.
No, no, no, no.
>> no, no.
Okay.
[ laughter ]
>> so, james, now, even if the
Democrats do hold on to the
Senate, everyone seems to agree,
They will probably lose their
Majority in the house.
>> well, let them have the
House.
Good riddance.
Have you ever seen the house of
Representatives?
[ laughter ]
>> it's like the waiting room
For jury duty.
[ laughter ]
>> when you see the house on
C-span, it looks like a family
Reunion that's only weird
Uncles.
[ laughter ]
>> so you're not threatened to
See tea party members take
Office.
>> no, let 'em.
I mean, the tea party are like
Fun, kooky parents that your
Friends had when they were kids.
Let them stay up all night and
Watch cinemax.
And one night you sleep over
There, and they don't have any
Food.
[ laughter ]
>> it's just expired peanut
Butter.
They fight and listen to weird
Records, and their dog is like
50 years old and he's just
Staring at you.
And you're like, man, this is
Creepy.
I kind of want to go home, you
Know?
[ laughter ]
>> all I'm saying is, if you
Elect these tea party
Kook-a-looks, you're going to be
Calling harry reid in two months
And saying, dad, can you come
Pick me up?
>> james carville, everybody!
[ cheers and applause ]
The peanut.
>> peanut.
>>> minnesota vikings coach
Brad childress says he is
Leaning toward benching brett
Favre this Sunday which would
End his streak of
291 consecutive starts, which is
Really bad news, now that we
Know how poorly favre handles
Free time.
[ laughter ]
>>> a 10-year-old boy in china
Survived after falling 20
Stories from an apartment window
And landing on a parked car.
And since it was china, the air
Helped break his fall.
[ laughter ]
>>> a new app is now available
For Halloween called trick or
Tracker that allows parents to
Receive regular updates on their
Children's location via gps.
Said kids, "wait, you're not
Coming with us?
I'm only 4!"
[ laughter ]
>>> several of the rescued
Chilean miners played a soccer
Match Monday against some of
Their rescuers, which is nice,
But, you know, stuff is not
Going to mine itself.
[ laughter ]
>>> after not finding a suitable
Man and facing increasing
Pressure to get married, a
30-year-old woman in china has
Married herself.
"it's not going to last",
Whispered the best man, who was
Also her.
[ laughter ]
You know who is not taking this
News very well?
Her ex-husband.
[ laughter ]
>>> scientists are developing a
New birth control gel, which has
No side effects and is taken by
Rubbing it on the skin.
And it's 100% effective, because
No one is going to sleep with a
Weird lady covered in gel.
[ laughter ]
>>> I think everyone can agree
The only thing that's more
Exciting than Halloween is
Halloween music.
Here tonight to talk about their
Much anticipated holiday album
Are the two best-looking people
I've ever seen in person, singer
Song writers garth and cath.
>> sorry we're late, we
Literally just got off a hay
Ride.
>> like, two seconds ago.
>> don't worry about it.
So --
Garth and cath --
You guys are going to sing a few
Songs off this album.
Are you ready to go?
Do you need a minute?
>> we're ready.
>> we're ready and prepared.
We're gonna do it.
>> I cannot wait.
I'm very excited.
Let's hear one.
>> all right.
Okay.
Our first song is uh --
"Halloween party."
>> that's exactly right.
"Halloween party."
>> ready?
Go.
♪
♪ dracula --
Corns for breakfast --♪
He's from california --
♪ california ♪
Oh, man, oh owe ♪
♪ dracula's surfing --
Where did he go?
♪ dracula's surfing --
Where did he go? ♪ [ laughter ]
>> okay, you know what?
I'm --
[ laughter ]
>> I am going to --
[ cheers and applause ]
>> yeah.
>> the reason I stopped you, I
Just wanted to ask, are you sure
You guys practiced these songs?
>> yes.
We wrote them.
We know how they go.
>> I believe you.
Do you want to try another one?
>> yes.
Great.
We're going to sing a song we
Perform in schools.
>> okay, good.
>> it's for children seth, this
Holiday is actually for children
Seth.
>> it's not all about grown-ups,
Okay?
The song is about Halloween
Safety.
>> all right.
What is it called?
>> "kids, don't smoke fake
Cigarettes --
Because, you know, every time
People see you and they think
You're an adult, they know it's
The most unhealthy thing ever.
In this town or any town."
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I actually missed a little
Bit of the title of that song.
Could you say it for me one more
Time?
>> oh!
>> we said, guys, don't smoke
Cigarettes if they're fake --
Because the moment a sheriff
Sees you he's gonna pull you in
And say, you can't go trick or
Treating.
Ever!
For a week!
[ laughter ]
>> you can't --
[ applause ]
You can't go trick or treating
Ever for a week.
>> yep.
>> well, sounds like a great
Song.
I would love to hear it.
>> okay, great.
♪ it's an owl alert --
It's owl alert ♪
♪ you got to get under that
Piano ♪
♪ duck under the piano cause
Grandma's playing again ♪
♪ everyone, I know ♪
♪ ah ♪
>> okay, you know, what I'm just
Going to -- nope.
[ laughter ]
>> it was very good.
I just -- I love you guys.
>> okay, thank you.
>> you're the two most
Attractive people I've ever met
In person.
But it's obvious to me that
You -- that you didn't prepare
Anything.
>> oh, we did, mister!
That album is very important to
Us.
>> okay, we even had a famous
Artist do the cover artwork,
Okay?
>> oh, really, what's his name?
>> glen seeds!
[ laughter ]
>> okay, you know what, I just
Don't think this is going to
Work out.
>> mr. Miners, come on, please?
>> mr. Minors?
>> it's mr. Meyers and you know
That.
>> that's what we said.
>> I don't think you did.
I think you guys should go.
>> no!
We came all the way from camp
David!
[ laughter ]
>> I thought you guys got here
By hay ride.
>> we did.
It took forever, the longest
Time.
>> so bumpy.
We lost like half the hay.
>> I'm going to let you sing
Like one more song.
>> okay.
50 more!
[ laughter ]
>> one more.
>> oh come on, man!
>> don't take that tone with me.
>> all right, fine.
This one is called the "wackiest
Witch."
>> and we even have music.
♪ the spooky house on Halloween
Hill♪
♪ knock on the door what will
You see ♪
>> this is great.
♪ there was a chocolate factory
That closed down ♪
♪ we knocked and ran
And asked them please let us in
♪
♪ to sample the chocolate ♪
♪ gobble gobble gobble gobble ♪
♪ we love chocolate
Chocolate milk ♪
♪ we all love chocolate ♪
♪ chocolate ♪
♪ going off again to see the
King ♪
♪ sour moo! ♪
>>> everybody, happy Halloween.
For weekend update I'm
Seth meyers.
[ phones ping, buzz ]
[ laughs ]
>>> now it's time for, "I didn't
Ask for this."
>> hello.
I am roger sims, and welcome to
"I didn't ask for this."
A show to support people whose
Lives have been ruined because
Of embarrassing videos of them
On the internet.
I'd like to take a second to
Introduce my producer, pierre.
I could not do this show without
Him.
>> my pleasure, roger.
As most of you are aware by now,
I gained some unwanted notoriety
Due to the popularity of an
Extremely embarrassing video
That was posted on the internet
For the world to see.
Let's roll the clip.
>> this maze is so hard.
And it gets so narrow.
[ screams ]
[ laughter ]
[ crying ]
Why?!
Why would you do that?!
That's not funny at all!
Why did you do that to me?!
Why did you --
>> see?
That's not funny!
Not even in the slightest.
Let's go to the serious cam.
[ screams ]
>> I'm serious.
Why?
Why do people think it's okay to
Laugh at this?
I don't see the humor.
My name is roger sims.
Not "fat guy gets owned."
[ laughter ]
I didn't ask for this.
Our first guest is a real human
Being with feelings.
Please welcome to the show,
Maureen o'hare.
Thank you for joining us,
Maureen.
Please, tell us your story.
>> this is hard, but okay, on a
Recent trip to colonial
Williamsburg, I --
I can't.
[ laughter ]
>> wow.
See?
Let's roll the clip.
>> honey, honey, get me with the
Lady here --
With the wind.
Sorry.
Oh, there's a bee, watch out.
>> oh!
>> watch out.
Oh!
[ laughter ]
That looked so painful!
>> it got even more painful when
Someone remixed it into a rap
Song.
>> to the serious cam!
>> honey, honey, get me with
The --
With the lady here, with the
Wind.
♪ wind, wind, wind ♪
>> seriously, why?
Why is this funny?
I am severely allergic to bees
So that fear was very real.
Also, getting hit in the head by
A blacksmith hammer hurts great
Deal.
I could have died.
[ laughter ]
My name is maureen o'hare, not
"bee sting fail."
[ laughter ]
I didn't ask for this.
>> you are a brave woman.
And there is nothing funny about
That, isn't that right, pierre?
[ light laughter ]
>> nothing funny at all.
If you own a computer that's
Connected to the internet, you
Probably know my next guest.
Please welcome mark sharon.
♪
>> mark.
Please, tell us your story.
>> yeah, uh --
I was an absent father.
Not something I'm proud of.
I was emotionally vacant.
My father told me boys don't cry
And I believed him.
Recently I agreed to appear on a
Reality show where I was
Reconnected with my son.
Just roll the clip.
>> because I know deep down in
My heart, I still love you.
[ light laughter ]
>> nooo!
[ laughter ]
>> wow, that is terrible.
>> yeah, but it got worse.
It got auto-tuned.
>> to the serious cam.
[ auto-tuned ]
>> nooo!
>> I'm serious.
Why?
Auto-tune?
[ laughter ]
>> it was truly the most
Profound moment of my life.
It was the first time my son
Told me he loved me.
[ auto-tuned ]
>> nooo!
>> now it's a ringtone!
A funny thing to play at office
Parties.
This video has 20 million views.
That's over 20 million people
Who have laughed at my pain.
[ auto-tuned ]
>> nooo!
[ laughter ]
My name is mark sharon, not
"best cry ever."
I did not ask for this.
[ laughter ]
Wait a minute.
Are you laughing?
>> no, no, no, of course not.
>> is this funny to you?
>> kind of a weird cry, man.
[ laughter ]
[ crying ]
[ laughter ]
>> well, that's our show.
We will see you next time on "I
Didn't ask for this."
>>> the following program is
Brought to you in living color
On nbc.
>> we now return to "highway
Cops."
♪
>> all right, I pull up next to
Her on my bike and I told her to
Pull over.
>> well, did she?
>> no, she just kept going.
So, wow, she just didn't pull
Over.
>> no.
>> cutter you always tell the
Best stories.
[ phone ringing ]
Hello, uh-huh, what do we got?
Where?
That serious?
Okay, we're on it.
Randy, there is a bank robbery
In progress on elm and 14th
Street.
>> all right, let's go.
>> damn it, my bike is on the
Shop.
>> you can ride with me.
>> hey, get out of here, you
Guys!
You're wasting precious time!
I need you there five minutes
Ago!
Go!
Crystal, baby, I miss you so
Much.
Why did you have to die when
Your heart stopped?
Damn, damn, damn.
>> hey, do you remember the
Address?
>> what?
>> oh yeah, it was --
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Almost fell off there.
>> hey, why don't you hold on to
My waist.
Is that better?
>> oh, yeah.
Much better.
>> yeah.
>> hey, look, the leaves are
Changing.
>> where?
>> this is fun as hell.
>> what?
I didn't hear you!
>> I said I'm having a great
Time.
>> yeah, me too, buddy.
You know, we got the best job in
The world.
>> mcdoogan, thanks for coming
Through for me.
>> you got it, chief.
>> thanks for thanking us,
Chief.
>> hey, be careful out there.
Hey, where have you been?
The bank said you never showed
Up.
>> oh, man, the bank.
>> that's what it was.
Remember, I told you we were
Forgetting something?
>> yep.
>> you two are making the gray
Spot in my fro get bigger.
You gotta focus.
By the way, randy, your bike is
Out of the shop.
[ phone ringing ]
Hello, uh huh, where, we're on
The way.
There was a drug bust on park
And woodlawn.
There's a standoff.
They need back up.
>> you got it, chief.
We're on it.
>> crystal, baby, I want to get
Back in the dating pool.
I met someone.
She's not you.
She ranks lower than you in most
Areas.
But higher in two very crucial
Areas.
Her butt.
And she's alive.
[ laughter ]
>> hey, what's that smell?
>> what smell?
>> that smell in the air.
>> oh, it's crisp, right?
>> yeah.
And leaves.
>> hey, look!
What is that?
It's an old barn.
>> I love this!
Hey, let's see what this bad boy
Can do!
>> whew!
>> you're wild!
>> oh.
I feel like yelling out loud.
>> then do it, man.
>> oh, I couldn't.
>> do it!
>> yahoo!
Whew!
>> yeah.
So dinner on Thursday?
Okay, great.
Well, I don't want to say that
Yet.
Well, whether I feel it or not,
Crystal is still in the picture.
I just the want to move a little
More slowly.
Okay, you know, I got to call
You back.
Where were you?
>> picked some apples from an
Orchard for you.
>> chief, have you been outside
Today?
>> you guys didn't back up the
Drug bust team?
What happened?
>> chief, I'm going to be dead
Honest with you.
I'm drawing a complete blank as
To what you're talking about
Right here.
[ phone ringing ]
>> the diameter of the gray spot
In my fro just doubled.
>> hmmm.
[ phone ringing ]
>> yes, hello, uh-huh, okay
Thank you.
Well, I guess this is your lucky
Day.
Part of the gang was just
Spotted at a gas station three
Miles from here on highway 10.
You think you can redeem
Yourselves?
>> yeah, you got it, chief!
>> boy, randy, you know your
Bike is fixed, right?
>> yeah, yeah, yeah.
>> because they called and said
It's been fixed for a while.
>> thanks, chief.
>> come on, let's roll!
>> I'm sorry, crystal.
I've got to do this for me.
Crystal, meet veronica.
>> I will take good care of your
Man.
>> well, I'm not alive anymore,
So please do that.
>> hey, you see that river?
This is crazy.
I have to bring my wife out
Here.
>> me too!
Me too.
>> hey, you know what I want to
Do right now?
>> I think so.
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
>> oh, that felt good as hell!
I love this.
Oh, I can't wait to tell my wife
About our kiss.
>> hey, what's that?
>> why, it looks like an old
Mill.
>> let's check it out.
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> ladies and gentlemen, our
Favorites, darlique and barney.
[ applause ]
Oh, boy.
>> who are you?
>> goodness gracious.
>> all these people.
You're going to sit on that
Stool right there.
>> of course I'm gonna sit here,
Where else am I gonna sit?
>> I don't know, I'm just trying
To help you.
>> you're controlling me, is
What your doing.
You're controlling.
>> the only control I have are
My control top pantyhose.
Ladies and gentlemen, that was a
Joke, and this is a fake fight.
♪
>> we like to start all of our
Shows with a fake fight.
>> yes, I find it grabs people's
Attention.
>> and it has a performance to
It.
>> okay, you don't know what
You're talking about.
>> well, I don't know.
>> now, that fight was real.
>> or was it?
>> once again, ladies and
Gentlemen, we just had a fake
Argument.
>> or was it.
>> okay, that's done.
My name is darlique lejeune.
>> and I'm mr. Barney fott,
That's f-o-t-t.
Look at you with your martini
And your tiny straw.
>> what, look at your girly
Drink with the umbrella, what
Are you afraid your drink is
Going to get rained on?
[ laughter ]
That was a joke.
>> or was it?
[ laughter ]
>> all right.
Welcome to the rose quartz
Crystal room.
Let's hit it.
♪
♪ kit kat bar ♪
[ laughter ]
>> that song is a hint for my
Husband to buy me a "kit kat
Bar."
[ laughter ]
>> there are so many hilarious
Things that are going to happen
Tonight.
Just wait.
>> and singing.
Two, three, go.
♪
♪ I saw a bunny eating ice
Cream ♪
♪ his mouth got cold and he
Hopped away ♪
♪ hippity hoppity ♪
♪ drippity droppity ♪
♪ bippity boppity ♪
♪ his mouth got cold and he
Hopped away ♪
>> that happened.
>> or did it?
[ laughter ]
>> all right.
Let me get serious for a second.
Two men walked into a bar.
>> oh-oh, this is what I meant.
>> they walk up to the bartender
And say, "two beers, please."
And the the bartender says "two
Apiece or two total?"
And the guy says, "fine, we're
Leaving then."
♪
That's not a joke.
That's what happened on the way
Over here, right over there.
>> don't embarrass me.
>> why do you try to do new
Material?
Just tell your chicken joke.
>> I don't know what you're
Talking about but I'm getting
Really angry.
>> the chicken at the aa
Meeting.
>> okay, the chicken joke thing
Is bothering me.
I don't know what's going on
With you.
>> I'm upset is what.
I wanna kick you with my feet
Right now.
You know the joke!
>> you're crazy!
>> move on!
>> yes, we should.
Thank you tobias.
>> and where's my onion rings?
>> you know we're not in charge
Of that.
>> or, are we?
♪
[ laughter ]
>> the tiny straw is making me
Hate you.
[ laughter ]
>> or does it?
♪
[ laughter ]
>> okay.
Can we sing rainbows and smiles
Please?
>> just the chorus!
>> what?
>>fake argument.
>> or was it?
>> it wasn't, was it?
>> five, six, seven, o.
♪ a rainbow is a multicolored
Smile from the sky that's upside
Down ♪
♪ unless you look through your
Legs upside down at it ♪
♪ rainbows and smiles ♪
>> yeah!
>> no!
[ laughter ]
>> what are you doing?
>> I said no at the end.
>> who says no at the end of a
Song?
>> I hate that song and you know
It.
You asked me to play it because
You're angry with me about the
Chicken joke.
>> you've got issues in the
Tissues, my friend.
>> what does that mean?
You always say that.
>> fake argument.
We are really pulling legs left
And right.
[ laughter ]
>> or are we?
I'm really angry, though.
>> okay.
I'm going to poison you so badly
Right now.
>> you're going to be charged
With my murder if I die, because
Everyone here heard you.
>> okay well I hope everyone
Here is having a good time,
Because we aren't.
♪
>> or aren't we?
[ laughter ]
>> fake fights bring people in
So they pay attention to us.
>> or do they?
>> okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Hey, crowd, do you have the
Time?
[ light laughter ]
>> this actually isn't a joke.
We have to take a roast out of
The freezer by 8:30.
So if anyone --
>> it's 8:20.
>> what?
>> what are we going to have for
Dinner?
Oh, boy.
>> well, thanks for having us.
I personally have had a terrible
Time.
>> or has she?
♪
>> okay.
Oh, I know what joke you're
Talking about now.
It's not a chicken, it's a
Rooster.
>> why don't we eat roosters,
Anyway?
>> that's a very good question.
>> we wrote this joke together.
A rooster gets home from work
And he opens his briefcase to
Find there's is nothing in it.
Not yet.
So he sits on his little straw
Couch in his little coop and he
Says to himself " I don't
Believe I did this.
I cockadoole-don't believe I did
This."
>> favorite joke of all time.
>> or was it?
>> one, two, twoidly two.
♪
♪ that's our time ♪
>> there we go, what are you
Doing?
Oh, you got the hint.
>> or did I?
>> oh, he didn't.
Fake wrapper.
It's just a wrapper.
Oh, fake drinks.
Look at these, not even real.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> once again, rihanna.
♪
♪ la, la, la la ♪
♪ I want you to love me
Like I'm a hot ride ♪
♪ keep thinking of me doing what
You like ♪
♪ so boy forget about the world
'cuz it's going to be
Me and you tonight ♪
♪ I wanna make your bed for ya
Then I'm make you swallow your
Pride ♪
♪ want you to make me feel like
I'm the only girl in the world ♪
♪ like I'm the only one that
You'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows
Your heart ♪
♪ only girl in the world ♪
♪ like I'm the only one that's
In command ♪
♪ 'cuz I'm the only one who
Understands how to
Make you feel like a man ♪
♪ want you to take me
Like a thief in the night
♪ hold me like a pillow
Make me feel right ♪
♪ baby I'll tell you all my
Secrets that I'm keeping
You can come inside ♪
♪ and when you enter you ain't
Leaving be my prisoner for the
Night ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ want you to make me feel like
I'm the only girl in the world ♪
♪ like I'm the only one that
You'll ever love ♪
♪ like I'm the only one who
Knows your heart ♪
♪ only girl in the world ♪
♪ like I'm the only one that's
In command
'cause I'm the only one who
Understands ♪
♪ how to make you feel like a
Man ♪
♪ (only one) ♪
♪ take me for a ride ♪
♪ oh baby take me high ♪
♪ let me make you right right ♪
♪ make it last all night ♪
♪ take me for a ride ♪
♪ whoa baby take me high ♪
♪ let me let you ride ♪
♪ make it last all night ♪
♪ want you to make me feel like
I'm the only girl in the world ♪
♪ like I'm the only one that
You'll ever love ♪
♪ like I'm the only one ♪
♪ only girl in the world ♪
♪ like I'm the only one that's
In command ♪
♪ cause I'm the only one who
Understands how to make you feel
Like a man ♪
♪ only girl in the world ♪
♪ girl in the world ♪
♪ only girl in the world ♪
♪ girl in the world ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> that's right, everybody,
It's me again.
Dog in purse.
Oh, here we are at a nightclub
Again, shocker of the century.
Oh, look over there,
Willow smith with a bottle of
Patron.
That's great.
Happy 9th birthday.
Look at my moron owner, drinking
A glass of loudmouth soup,
Yukking it up, meanwhile, I'm
Stuck in her purse trying to get
Comfortable on a dirty
Hairbrush, some yaz pills, and
Charlie sheen's wallet.
This lady owns me, she doesn't
Even know I'm a male dog.
I'm clearly a dude, yet she has
Me wearing a feather boa and a
Tiara on my head like a zsa zsa
Gabor.
Hey, lady, you know you can tell
You're a little off track?
Flip me over.
Check out the undercarriage, all
All right?
There's a light switch honey, it
Goes on and off, like the one
That should go on and off in
Your head and say, hey, this dog
Is a dude and has been for the
Last three years.
Oh, okay, here we go.
There's jessica alba, wearing a
Mini dress, no less.
Nice.
She's so hot, she better spray
Her shins down with pam, stat.
Because I'm about to do the
Humpty-hump.
Maybe with this tiara I'm
Wearing and feather boa she'll
Get drunk and think I'm
Lenny kravitz and go for it.
All right gang, let's wrap it
Up.
Hey, we're headed to
Brody jenners house.
I heard he got a new solo flex.
[ applause ]
>>> thanks to rihanna, [ cheers
And applause ]
And you all, the best crew in
Television!
Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming!
Happy Halloween!
[ cheers and applause ]