1 00:00:02,164 --> 00:00:02,863 >>> and now a message from the 2 00:00:02,931 --> 00:00:03,564 Vice president of the united 3 00:00:03,632 --> 00:00:09,703 States, joe biden. 4 00:00:09,771 --> 00:00:10,371 >> good evening, my fellow 5 00:00:10,439 --> 00:00:11,972 Americans. 6 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:12,706 This coming Tuesday's election 7 00:00:12,774 --> 00:00:13,441 Is essential to the future of 8 00:00:13,508 --> 00:00:16,243 This country. 9 00:00:16,311 --> 00:00:17,578 I'm going to be honest with you. 10 00:00:17,646 --> 00:00:18,312 I think we're going to get our 11 00:00:18,380 --> 00:00:20,181 Asses handed to us. 12 00:00:20,248 --> 00:00:20,881 It's going to be a good old 13 00:00:20,949 --> 00:00:22,383 Fashioned blood bath. 14 00:00:22,451 --> 00:00:26,854 But joe biden doe give up. 15 00:00:26,922 --> 00:00:27,555 So while the president is out 16 00:00:27,622 --> 00:00:28,289 Trying to rally voters, I want 17 00:00:28,356 --> 00:00:29,123 To address you directly. 18 00:00:29,191 --> 00:00:30,357 Because when things can't get 19 00:00:30,425 --> 00:00:31,025 Any worse, it's biden time. 20 00:00:31,092 --> 00:00:33,994 [ laughter ] 21 00:00:34,062 --> 00:00:34,728 >> now, americans, I know you're 22 00:00:34,796 --> 00:00:37,465 Upset. 23 00:00:37,532 --> 00:00:39,200 And I know you're dissatisfied. 24 00:00:39,267 --> 00:00:40,401 But I want to ask you -- 25 00:00:40,469 --> 00:00:41,669 I want to ask you a question. 26 00:00:41,736 --> 00:00:44,405 Is it really that bad? 27 00:00:44,473 --> 00:00:46,340 Because when I hear you 28 00:00:46,408 --> 00:00:47,541 Complaining about the state of 29 00:00:47,609 --> 00:00:48,242 This nation, you know who I 30 00:00:48,310 --> 00:00:49,210 Think of? 31 00:00:49,277 --> 00:00:54,448 Those brave chilean miners. 32 00:00:54,516 --> 00:00:55,282 Yeah. 33 00:00:55,350 --> 00:00:56,083 Now, those sorry bastards were 34 00:00:56,151 --> 00:01:00,187 Trapped underground for 69 days. 35 00:01:00,255 --> 00:01:00,754 And did they complain? 36 00:01:00,822 --> 00:01:01,021 No. 37 00:01:01,089 --> 00:01:02,256 No. 38 00:01:02,324 --> 00:01:02,957 You know what they did every 39 00:01:03,024 --> 00:01:03,424 Day? 40 00:01:03,492 --> 00:01:06,126 They sang their national anthem. 41 00:01:06,194 --> 00:01:08,796 They sang their national anthem! 42 00:01:08,864 --> 00:01:09,897 >> so before you start belly 43 00:01:09,965 --> 00:01:11,165 Aching about the direction our 44 00:01:11,233 --> 00:01:12,166 Country is going in, I would 45 00:01:12,234 --> 00:01:12,900 Like you to answer the joe biden 46 00:01:12,968 --> 00:01:15,035 Checklist. 47 00:01:15,103 --> 00:01:16,237 One, are you above ground? 48 00:01:16,304 --> 00:01:26,514 [ laughter ] 49 00:01:26,581 --> 00:01:28,282 And that's it. 50 00:01:28,350 --> 00:01:32,319 [ laughter ] 51 00:01:32,387 --> 00:01:32,820 That's all I got. 52 00:01:32,888 --> 00:01:33,654 [ applause ] 53 00:01:33,722 --> 00:01:35,189 If the answer is yes, maybe cool 54 00:01:35,257 --> 00:01:36,991 It with the whining, okay? 55 00:01:37,058 --> 00:01:38,759 You're mad about the economy? 56 00:01:38,827 --> 00:01:39,894 Well for 69 days, those 33 57 00:01:39,961 --> 00:01:40,661 Miners had to do their business 58 00:01:40,729 --> 00:01:43,397 In the corner of a mine. 59 00:01:43,465 --> 00:01:44,131 No door, with all their buddies 60 00:01:44,199 --> 00:01:46,166 Watching. 61 00:01:46,234 --> 00:01:47,134 Now, you may be saying, well, 62 00:01:47,202 --> 00:01:47,868 You know, it was pretty dark. 63 00:01:47,936 --> 00:01:48,469 But hey, they knew. 64 00:01:48,537 --> 00:01:50,571 Yeah, they knew. 65 00:01:50,639 --> 00:01:51,505 [ laughter ] 66 00:01:51,573 --> 00:01:52,406 Yeah. 67 00:01:52,474 --> 00:01:53,674 And still, when they came out of 68 00:01:53,742 --> 00:01:55,910 That hole, they were all smiles. 69 00:01:55,977 --> 00:01:56,677 And they gave their president a 70 00:01:56,745 --> 00:01:58,345 Big 'ole hug. 71 00:01:58,413 --> 00:01:59,446 Yeah, they didn't come up to 72 00:01:59,514 --> 00:02:00,347 Him, jab a finger in his chest 73 00:02:00,415 --> 00:02:01,181 Asking why there wasn't tougher 74 00:02:01,249 --> 00:02:03,450 Mining regulations, you know? 75 00:02:03,518 --> 00:02:04,184 They just high-fived him and 76 00:02:04,252 --> 00:02:08,589 Went on their way. 77 00:02:08,657 --> 00:02:09,323 But our guy tries to give you 78 00:02:09,391 --> 00:02:09,924 Health care and he's a 79 00:02:09,991 --> 00:02:10,291 Socialist. 80 00:02:10,358 --> 00:02:11,025 Now, I'm not gonna lie, it gets 81 00:02:11,092 --> 00:02:11,892 Me riled up. 82 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,427 Now, the president, he's not 83 00:02:13,495 --> 00:02:14,295 Going to get mad about this, 84 00:02:14,362 --> 00:02:17,298 Okay, that's not his style. 85 00:02:17,365 --> 00:02:17,831 The guy is a robot. 86 00:02:17,899 --> 00:02:18,832 True story. 87 00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:19,466 I've never seen him sleep. 88 00:02:19,534 --> 00:02:20,234 [ laughter ] 89 00:02:20,302 --> 00:02:22,670 No. 90 00:02:22,737 --> 00:02:23,370 I always try to stay up late 91 00:02:23,438 --> 00:02:25,205 Enough to watch him doze off, 92 00:02:25,273 --> 00:02:27,708 But I'm out by 9:30. 93 00:02:27,776 --> 00:02:28,876 That's just me. 94 00:02:28,944 --> 00:02:29,643 Same thing with me on christmas 95 00:02:29,711 --> 00:02:30,844 Eve when I was a kid. 96 00:02:30,912 --> 00:02:32,813 Was sure that my dad was santa. 97 00:02:32,881 --> 00:02:37,484 But to this day, can't prove it. 98 00:02:37,552 --> 00:02:38,185 What I can prove is that 33 99 00:02:38,253 --> 00:02:40,955 Chileans were in a hole. 100 00:02:41,022 --> 00:02:41,755 And instead of starting a tea 101 00:02:41,823 --> 00:02:42,756 Party, they wrapped themselves 102 00:02:42,824 --> 00:02:43,457 Up in their flags like their 103 00:02:43,525 --> 00:02:45,392 Country just won the world cup. 104 00:02:45,460 --> 00:02:46,226 Jumping around, having a good 105 00:02:46,294 --> 00:02:48,696 Time, enjoying life. 106 00:02:48,763 --> 00:02:49,463 Now, sure, part of that you can 107 00:02:49,531 --> 00:02:50,197 Write off because of the whole 108 00:02:50,265 --> 00:02:50,631 Latin thing. 109 00:02:50,699 --> 00:02:54,101 [ laughter ] 110 00:02:54,169 --> 00:02:55,169 >> right. 111 00:02:55,236 --> 00:02:55,936 But why should they be that much 112 00:02:56,004 --> 00:02:58,372 Happier than us? 113 00:02:58,440 --> 00:02:59,206 They were underground. 114 00:02:59,274 --> 00:03:00,841 I can't even imagine. 115 00:03:00,909 --> 00:03:02,076 True story. 116 00:03:02,143 --> 00:03:02,876 I was once stuck in an elevator 117 00:03:02,944 --> 00:03:03,644 With two other guys for only 15 118 00:03:03,712 --> 00:03:05,145 Minutes. 119 00:03:05,213 --> 00:03:06,280 And both of those guys said it 120 00:03:06,348 --> 00:03:06,981 Was the worst experience of 121 00:03:07,048 --> 00:03:07,381 Their lives. 122 00:03:07,449 --> 00:03:12,853 [ laughter ] 123 00:03:12,921 --> 00:03:13,220 >> yeah. 124 00:03:13,288 --> 00:03:13,554 Yeah. 125 00:03:13,622 --> 00:03:14,288 So when you go to the polls on 126 00:03:14,356 --> 00:03:14,822 Tuesday, or not -- 127 00:03:14,889 --> 00:03:15,589 You know, it won't matter, like 128 00:03:15,657 --> 00:03:16,523 I said, blood bath. 129 00:03:16,591 --> 00:03:17,257 I want you to remember the joe 130 00:03:17,325 --> 00:03:18,692 Biden motto. 131 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:19,860 Don't be whiners, think about 132 00:03:19,928 --> 00:03:20,828 The miners, and live from new 133 00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:24,131 York, it's Saturday night! 134 00:03:24,199 --> 00:03:24,932 [ cheers and applause ] 135 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:36,276 [ cheers and applause ] 136 00:03:36,378 --> 00:03:37,011 >> announcer: It's "Saturday 137 00:03:37,078 --> 00:03:37,444 Night live"! 138 00:03:37,512 --> 00:03:43,050 With fred armisen -- 139 00:03:43,118 --> 00:03:49,523 Cathy elliott -- 140 00:03:49,591 --> 00:03:57,264 Bill hader -- 141 00:03:57,332 --> 00:03:58,899 Seth meyers -- 142 00:03:58,967 --> 00:04:03,704 Bobby moynihan -- 143 00:04:03,772 --> 00:04:20,287 Kenan thompson -- 144 00:04:20,488 --> 00:04:25,726 Kristen wiig -- 145 00:04:25,794 --> 00:04:33,600 Featuring -- 146 00:04:33,668 --> 00:04:39,206 Vanessa bayer -- 147 00:04:39,274 --> 00:04:43,510 Paul britain -- 148 00:04:43,578 --> 00:04:50,417 Karen killian -- 149 00:04:50,485 --> 00:04:55,856 Nasim pedrad -- 150 00:04:55,924 --> 00:04:58,125 Jay farrell -- 151 00:04:58,193 --> 00:04:59,193 Musical guest -- 152 00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:01,361 Rihanna -- 153 00:05:01,429 --> 00:05:02,730 And your host -- 154 00:05:02,797 --> 00:05:08,235 Jon hamm. 155 00:05:08,303 --> 00:05:12,473 [ cheers and applause ] 156 00:05:12,540 --> 00:05:13,574 Ladies and gentlemen, jon hamm! 157 00:05:13,641 --> 00:05:14,641 [ cheers and applause ] 158 00:05:14,709 --> 00:05:31,058 ♪ 159 00:05:32,293 --> 00:05:34,995 [ cheers and applause ] 160 00:05:35,063 --> 00:05:36,196 >> thank you! 161 00:05:36,264 --> 00:05:36,730 Thank you very much. 162 00:05:36,798 --> 00:05:38,832 Thank you! 163 00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:39,633 It is so great to be back at 164 00:05:39,701 --> 00:05:41,769 "Saturday night live." 165 00:05:41,836 --> 00:05:43,837 First off, happy Halloween. 166 00:05:43,905 --> 00:05:47,608 [ cheers and applause ] 167 00:05:47,675 --> 00:05:48,942 This is actually the second time 168 00:05:49,010 --> 00:05:51,712 I've hosted the Halloween show 169 00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:52,513 At "snl", and you may noticed, 170 00:05:52,580 --> 00:05:56,316 I've switched up my costume. 171 00:05:56,384 --> 00:05:57,084 The first time I hosted, I went 172 00:05:57,152 --> 00:05:57,484 As nervous. 173 00:05:57,552 --> 00:05:59,653 [ laughter ] 174 00:05:59,721 --> 00:06:00,420 This year I'm going as slightly 175 00:06:00,488 --> 00:06:01,622 Less nervous. 176 00:06:01,689 --> 00:06:03,924 [ laughter ] 177 00:06:03,992 --> 00:06:04,658 It's a very exciting time for 178 00:06:04,726 --> 00:06:05,592 Me. 179 00:06:05,660 --> 00:06:06,360 I just finished my fourth season 180 00:06:06,427 --> 00:06:06,794 On "mad men." 181 00:06:06,861 --> 00:06:14,134 [ cheers and applause ] 182 00:06:14,202 --> 00:06:15,369 One of the many benefits of 183 00:06:15,436 --> 00:06:16,103 Being on "mad men" is getting to 184 00:06:16,171 --> 00:06:19,273 Know the world of advertising. 185 00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:20,040 It's funny, but playing don has 186 00:06:20,108 --> 00:06:20,774 Made me think about ad campaigns 187 00:06:20,842 --> 00:06:23,977 A lot. 188 00:06:24,045 --> 00:06:25,045 Sometimes I may be walking down 189 00:06:25,113 --> 00:06:26,213 The street and I'll see a 190 00:06:26,281 --> 00:06:26,980 Product and a slogan will just 191 00:06:27,048 --> 00:06:29,683 Pop into my head. 192 00:06:29,751 --> 00:06:30,951 Here, I'll show you. 193 00:06:31,019 --> 00:06:33,086 Someone name a product. 194 00:06:33,154 --> 00:06:34,154 You. 195 00:06:34,222 --> 00:06:34,822 >> um -- 196 00:06:34,889 --> 00:06:35,656 >> it can be anything. 197 00:06:35,723 --> 00:06:36,323 >> purses. 198 00:06:36,391 --> 00:06:36,890 >> purses. 199 00:06:36,958 --> 00:06:38,892 Uh -- 200 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:39,827 What are purses? 201 00:06:39,894 --> 00:06:40,561 They're for ladies to hold 202 00:06:40,628 --> 00:06:42,129 Things. 203 00:06:42,197 --> 00:06:45,232 But they're more than that. 204 00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:45,966 Purses are the things you need 205 00:06:46,034 --> 00:06:46,800 For the small trips in life. 206 00:06:46,868 --> 00:06:49,069 They're -- 207 00:06:49,137 --> 00:06:51,505 Oh, I almost have it. 208 00:06:51,573 --> 00:06:54,875 Every day is a secret vacation 209 00:06:54,943 --> 00:06:55,576 With your tiny lady suitcase, 210 00:06:55,643 --> 00:06:57,444 Purses! 211 00:06:57,512 --> 00:06:59,346 Not bad, right? 212 00:06:59,414 --> 00:07:00,080 You would buy a purse, wouldn't 213 00:07:00,148 --> 00:07:02,749 You, m'am? 214 00:07:02,817 --> 00:07:03,383 >> I'm not a woman. 215 00:07:03,451 --> 00:07:03,951 >> yeah, that was fun. 216 00:07:04,018 --> 00:07:05,519 Let's try another one. 217 00:07:05,587 --> 00:07:07,221 What about you, young lady? 218 00:07:07,288 --> 00:07:07,588 >> me? 219 00:07:07,655 --> 00:07:07,955 Um -- 220 00:07:08,022 --> 00:07:08,422 Diapers? 221 00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:09,189 >> diapers. 222 00:07:09,257 --> 00:07:09,957 Uh -- 223 00:07:10,024 --> 00:07:10,924 Pants for babies. 224 00:07:10,992 --> 00:07:11,859 [ laughter ] 225 00:07:11,926 --> 00:07:12,626 No. 226 00:07:12,694 --> 00:07:13,327 No, they're more than that, 227 00:07:13,394 --> 00:07:14,127 Because you can't crap in pants. 228 00:07:14,195 --> 00:07:15,629 [ laughter ] 229 00:07:15,697 --> 00:07:16,496 When you have an accident, 230 00:07:16,564 --> 00:07:19,499 Diapers are there to catch it. 231 00:07:19,567 --> 00:07:20,200 Like the net under a trapeze 232 00:07:20,268 --> 00:07:22,269 Act. 233 00:07:22,337 --> 00:07:23,971 Diapers got your back. 234 00:07:24,038 --> 00:07:24,638 No, diapers got your butt. 235 00:07:24,706 --> 00:07:26,506 [ laughter ] 236 00:07:26,574 --> 00:07:27,441 Picture this. 237 00:07:27,508 --> 00:07:29,042 Adorable baby, backwards 238 00:07:29,110 --> 00:07:31,445 Baseball hat and the words come 239 00:07:31,512 --> 00:07:32,613 Up "don't worry, little homey, 240 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,316 We got your butt, diapers." 241 00:07:36,384 --> 00:07:37,284 That's pretty good, if I do say 242 00:07:37,352 --> 00:07:38,619 So, myself. 243 00:07:38,686 --> 00:07:39,219 [ cheers and applause ] 244 00:07:39,287 --> 00:07:39,987 What do you think, ma'am? 245 00:07:40,054 --> 00:07:40,520 >> me? 246 00:07:40,588 --> 00:07:42,055 >> no, her. 247 00:07:42,123 --> 00:07:42,689 >> yeah, I'm not a -- 248 00:07:42,757 --> 00:07:43,523 >> how about you! 249 00:07:43,591 --> 00:07:45,859 Name something. 250 00:07:45,927 --> 00:07:47,094 >> refrigerators. 251 00:07:47,161 --> 00:07:48,462 >> refrigerators. 252 00:07:48,529 --> 00:07:49,429 That's easy. 253 00:07:49,497 --> 00:07:50,163 A box of winter for your food to 254 00:07:50,231 --> 00:07:51,231 Live in. 255 00:07:51,299 --> 00:07:51,665 Come on now. 256 00:07:51,733 --> 00:07:52,366 I want to be challenged here. 257 00:07:52,433 --> 00:07:52,799 [ laughter ] 258 00:07:52,867 --> 00:07:54,268 >> oh, you want to be 259 00:07:54,335 --> 00:07:55,235 Challenged? 260 00:07:55,303 --> 00:07:58,572 [ laughter ] 261 00:07:58,640 --> 00:07:59,573 >> you think you can take me? 262 00:07:59,641 --> 00:08:00,240 >> I know I can take you. 263 00:08:00,308 --> 00:08:01,975 [ laughter ] 264 00:08:02,043 --> 00:08:06,146 >> let's hear it, weird guy. 265 00:08:06,214 --> 00:08:09,249 >> nine-volt batteries. 266 00:08:09,317 --> 00:08:09,750 [ audience ohs ] 267 00:08:09,817 --> 00:08:14,988 [ laughter ] 268 00:08:15,056 --> 00:08:19,426 >> nine-volt batteries. 269 00:08:19,494 --> 00:08:22,729 It's hip to be square? 270 00:08:22,797 --> 00:08:23,497 No, that's too obvious. 271 00:08:23,564 --> 00:08:24,798 With two nipple-like connectors, 272 00:08:24,866 --> 00:08:25,499 There's no way this battery 273 00:08:25,566 --> 00:08:26,433 Won't turn you on. 274 00:08:26,501 --> 00:08:28,368 No, that's too dirty. 275 00:08:28,436 --> 00:08:29,036 This is your grandfather's 276 00:08:29,103 --> 00:08:30,003 Battery. 277 00:08:30,071 --> 00:08:31,038 That's too familiar. 278 00:08:31,105 --> 00:08:32,072 Come on! 279 00:08:32,140 --> 00:08:34,908 You can do this, hammer! 280 00:08:34,976 --> 00:08:36,343 Yes, that's what I call myself. 281 00:08:36,411 --> 00:08:38,045 I will get this. 282 00:08:38,112 --> 00:08:40,247 [ laughter ] 283 00:08:40,315 --> 00:08:41,214 Nine volts. 284 00:08:41,282 --> 00:08:41,915 It's so hard, because they're 285 00:08:41,983 --> 00:08:42,582 Different from every other 286 00:08:42,650 --> 00:08:43,750 Battery. 287 00:08:43,818 --> 00:08:44,551 Wait. 288 00:08:44,619 --> 00:08:48,989 That's it. 289 00:08:49,057 --> 00:08:49,656 Caught in a maze of boring 290 00:08:49,724 --> 00:08:50,023 Batteries? 291 00:08:50,091 --> 00:08:50,757 You're going to want to dial a 292 00:08:50,825 --> 00:08:51,992 Nine to get out. 293 00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:53,694 Nine-volt batteries! 294 00:08:53,761 --> 00:08:58,999 [ light laughter ] 295 00:08:59,067 --> 00:08:59,466 >> whew! 296 00:08:59,534 --> 00:09:00,200 >> yes, that's the correct 297 00:09:00,268 --> 00:09:00,600 Slogan. 298 00:09:00,668 --> 00:09:02,035 >> wham, bam, thank you, hamm! 299 00:09:02,103 --> 00:09:08,108 [ cheers and applause ] 300 00:09:08,176 --> 00:09:09,309 >> and lady, call me later. 301 00:09:09,377 --> 00:09:10,711 >> oh, I will. 302 00:09:10,778 --> 00:09:11,611 [ laughter ] 303 00:09:11,679 --> 00:09:12,279 I mean, hey, it's jon hamm. 304 00:09:12,347 --> 00:09:14,414 [ laughter ] 305 00:09:14,482 --> 00:09:15,148 >> we have a great show for you 306 00:09:15,216 --> 00:09:15,482 Tonight. 307 00:09:15,550 --> 00:09:15,983 Rihanna is here. 308 00:09:16,050 --> 00:09:24,391 [ cheers and applause ] 309 00:09:24,459 --> 00:09:24,925 >> so stick around. 310 00:09:24,993 --> 00:09:27,294 We will be right back. 311 00:09:31,256 --> 00:09:31,822 >>> we've done the work. 312 00:09:31,890 --> 00:09:34,191 We know the system. 313 00:09:34,259 --> 00:09:34,925 We have the fire power, and we 314 00:09:34,993 --> 00:09:37,061 Have each other. 315 00:09:37,128 --> 00:09:40,464 You ready? 316 00:09:40,532 --> 00:09:42,733 [ laughter ] 317 00:09:42,801 --> 00:09:49,640 ♪ yeah ♪ 318 00:09:49,708 --> 00:09:50,407 ♪ eh eh eh eh eh eh we at it 319 00:09:50,475 --> 00:09:50,808 Again ♪ 320 00:09:50,875 --> 00:09:54,011 [ cheers ] 321 00:09:54,079 --> 00:09:55,813 ♪ everybody now hands in the air 322 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:56,513 It's a stick up, stick up no 323 00:09:56,581 --> 00:09:57,248 Funny business you got lit up, 324 00:09:57,315 --> 00:10:01,652 Lit up ♪ 325 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:02,453 ♪ you can't fight you gon' die 326 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:03,254 And at your funeral, your momma 327 00:10:03,321 --> 00:10:07,458 Gon' cry ♪ 328 00:10:07,525 --> 00:10:08,225 ♪ so customers hit the floor, 329 00:10:08,293 --> 00:10:08,892 Floor and clerks open cash 330 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:13,197 Drawers slow, slow ♪ 331 00:10:13,265 --> 00:10:13,998 ♪ if you don't wanna end up dead 332 00:10:14,065 --> 00:10:14,732 You'll do everything shy rodney 333 00:10:14,799 --> 00:10:18,802 Says ♪ 334 00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:19,903 ♪ tell 'em, rodney ♪ 335 00:10:19,971 --> 00:10:24,608 >> [ inaudible ] 336 00:10:24,676 --> 00:10:25,309 [ laughter ] 337 00:10:25,377 --> 00:10:26,110 ♪ no one in the bank can hear 338 00:10:26,177 --> 00:10:26,477 You ♪ 339 00:10:26,544 --> 00:10:29,246 [ laughter ] 340 00:10:29,314 --> 00:10:30,381 ♪ shy rodney use your outside 341 00:10:30,448 --> 00:10:31,815 Voice ♪ 342 00:10:31,883 --> 00:10:35,085 [ laughter ] 343 00:10:35,153 --> 00:10:36,854 ♪ we don't have time for this ♪ 344 00:10:36,921 --> 00:10:37,888 >> ha haw! 345 00:10:37,956 --> 00:10:38,722 ♪ let's go ♪ 346 00:10:38,790 --> 00:10:39,990 ♪ so stay on the ground it's a 347 00:10:40,058 --> 00:10:42,826 Stick up, stick up your wallets 348 00:10:42,894 --> 00:10:43,560 And jewels we'll pick up, pick 349 00:10:43,628 --> 00:10:45,496 Up ♪ 350 00:10:45,563 --> 00:10:47,298 ♪ unload the cash move your ass 351 00:10:47,365 --> 00:10:48,032 We gettin' money tell 'em, shy 352 00:10:48,099 --> 00:10:51,935 Ronnie ♪ 353 00:10:52,003 --> 00:10:54,672 >> [ inaudible ] 354 00:10:54,739 --> 00:10:55,205 [ laughter ] 355 00:10:55,273 --> 00:10:56,040 ♪ please ♪ 356 00:10:56,107 --> 00:10:56,774 ♪ please use your words ♪ 357 00:10:56,841 --> 00:11:01,312 [ laughter ] 358 00:11:01,379 --> 00:11:02,079 ♪ just imagine that everyone's 359 00:11:02,147 --> 00:11:02,446 Naked ♪ 360 00:11:02,514 --> 00:11:06,784 [ laughter ] 361 00:11:06,851 --> 00:11:09,320 ♪ uh oh [ laughter ] 362 00:11:09,387 --> 00:11:10,154 ♪ boner alert ♪ 363 00:11:10,221 --> 00:11:11,989 [ laughter ] 364 00:11:12,057 --> 00:11:12,723 ♪ you really pictured them 365 00:11:12,791 --> 00:11:14,858 Naked ♪ 366 00:11:14,926 --> 00:11:15,559 >> ha haw! 367 00:11:15,627 --> 00:11:16,360 ♪ why did I think you could do 368 00:11:16,428 --> 00:11:19,063 This? ♪ 369 00:11:19,130 --> 00:11:19,930 ♪ rodney, hostage on the move ♪ 370 00:11:19,998 --> 00:11:21,665 [ gunshot ] 371 00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:22,533 ♪ he shot himself ♪ 372 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,134 [ laughter ] 373 00:11:24,202 --> 00:11:24,802 ♪ and why is your gun so 374 00:11:24,869 --> 00:11:28,072 Small? ♪ 375 00:11:28,139 --> 00:11:28,706 [ police siren ] 376 00:11:28,773 --> 00:11:29,873 ♪ the police are on their way ♪ 377 00:11:29,941 --> 00:11:31,308 >> come out with your hands up! 378 00:11:31,376 --> 00:11:32,843 ♪ good luck, shy rodney bye 379 00:11:32,911 --> 00:11:38,082 Bye ♪ 380 00:11:38,149 --> 00:11:43,120 >> ha haw! 381 00:11:43,188 --> 00:11:44,154 ♪ rodney, mother -- 382 00:11:44,222 --> 00:11:44,922 And I'm back from the dead so I 383 00:11:44,989 --> 00:11:49,626 Shot my own leg ♪ 384 00:11:49,694 --> 00:11:50,394 ♪ don't get the name twisted 385 00:11:50,462 --> 00:11:52,663 'cause I'm crazy as -- 386 00:11:52,731 --> 00:11:53,430 I hung a giant-ass noose off my 387 00:11:53,498 --> 00:11:57,201 Giant ass -- ♪ 388 00:11:57,268 --> 00:12:03,574 ♪ hey ♪ I forgot this money and 389 00:12:03,641 --> 00:12:04,241 Also this guy come on we're 390 00:12:04,309 --> 00:12:04,775 Gonna have sex ♪ 391 00:12:04,843 --> 00:12:11,482 [ laughter ] 392 00:12:11,549 --> 00:12:12,683 ♪ and you can hang from it 393 00:12:12,751 --> 00:12:13,417 'cause you don't wanna see my 394 00:12:13,485 --> 00:12:15,419 Real gun ♪ 395 00:12:15,487 --> 00:12:16,620 ♪ shots through the sky but your 396 00:12:16,688 --> 00:12:19,123 Face sounds real fun ♪ rock ♪ 397 00:12:19,190 --> 00:12:21,091 [ cheers and applause ] 398 00:12:39,890 --> 00:12:40,556 >>> you're watching tv land in 399 00:12:40,624 --> 00:12:41,257 The common room in a nursing 400 00:12:41,325 --> 00:12:42,091 Home. 401 00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:42,858 Up next, "vincent price's 402 00:12:42,926 --> 00:12:45,428 1960 Halloween special." 403 00:12:45,495 --> 00:12:50,266 >> ha ha ha. 404 00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:51,701 Once again, it's that time of 405 00:12:51,768 --> 00:12:53,669 Year when the tombs come open, 406 00:12:53,737 --> 00:12:55,838 And the spirits rise from their 407 00:12:55,906 --> 00:12:58,507 Graves, and -- 408 00:12:58,575 --> 00:12:59,709 Am I in the shot? 409 00:12:59,776 --> 00:13:00,476 Hello! 410 00:13:00,544 --> 00:13:01,177 The talking skeleton doesn't 411 00:13:01,245 --> 00:13:03,212 Work if I'm in the shot! 412 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:04,513 What's rehearsal even for? 413 00:13:04,581 --> 00:13:07,583 Go to the open. 414 00:13:07,651 --> 00:13:08,284 >> and now, colgate presents 415 00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:08,951 "vincent price's Halloween 416 00:13:09,019 --> 00:13:11,821 Special." 417 00:13:11,888 --> 00:13:12,555 Now please welcome your host, 418 00:13:12,623 --> 00:13:16,692 Prince of hades, vincent price. 419 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,094 >> this evening the price 420 00:13:18,161 --> 00:13:19,061 Mansion is transformed into a 421 00:13:19,129 --> 00:13:21,864 House of spooky horrors, and 422 00:13:21,932 --> 00:13:22,932 I've asked some of my famous 423 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:23,666 Friends to bring by some treats 424 00:13:23,734 --> 00:13:24,400 For the neighborhood boys and 425 00:13:24,468 --> 00:13:24,934 Girls. 426 00:13:25,002 --> 00:13:27,903 [ doorbell ringing ] 427 00:13:27,971 --> 00:13:28,771 And our first guest has just 428 00:13:28,839 --> 00:13:29,438 Arrived, hollywood legend, 429 00:13:29,506 --> 00:13:32,475 Judy garland. 430 00:13:32,542 --> 00:13:37,013 >> oh, let me in! 431 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:37,680 >> what's wrong, judy? 432 00:13:37,748 --> 00:13:38,614 >> there's a tall scary man 433 00:13:38,682 --> 00:13:39,348 Outside with a big green hat! 434 00:13:39,416 --> 00:13:40,383 [ laughter ] 435 00:13:40,450 --> 00:13:45,121 >> judy, that's a palm tree. 436 00:13:45,188 --> 00:13:45,855 Okay, so, judy, did you bring 437 00:13:45,922 --> 00:13:46,255 Any candy? 438 00:13:46,323 --> 00:13:46,789 >> I brought m&m's! 439 00:13:46,857 --> 00:13:49,458 [ laughter ] 440 00:13:49,526 --> 00:13:50,226 >> judy, that's very clearly a 441 00:13:50,294 --> 00:13:50,960 Bottle of pills that you've 442 00:13:51,028 --> 00:13:54,430 Drawn m's on. 443 00:13:54,498 --> 00:13:55,197 >> I drew m's on them so I knew 444 00:13:55,265 --> 00:13:57,500 What they were for. 445 00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:58,334 This one is for me. 446 00:13:58,402 --> 00:13:58,768 [ laughter ] 447 00:13:58,835 --> 00:14:01,170 This one is for me, too. 448 00:14:01,238 --> 00:14:02,104 [ laughter ] 449 00:14:02,172 --> 00:14:02,872 This one is for me and this one 450 00:14:02,939 --> 00:14:03,306 Is for me. 451 00:14:03,373 --> 00:14:03,939 >> pace yourself, judy. 452 00:14:04,007 --> 00:14:05,708 It's 7:30. 453 00:14:05,776 --> 00:14:09,312 [ doorbell ringing ] 454 00:14:09,379 --> 00:14:09,845 >> another guest. 455 00:14:09,913 --> 00:14:10,880 Who could it be? 456 00:14:10,947 --> 00:14:11,580 Well, it's none other than 457 00:14:11,648 --> 00:14:12,315 Democratic presidential nominee 458 00:14:12,382 --> 00:14:15,851 John f. Kennedy. 459 00:14:15,919 --> 00:14:16,285 [ laughter ] 460 00:14:16,353 --> 00:14:18,087 >> good to be here, vincent. 461 00:14:18,155 --> 00:14:20,022 >> and who's your friend? 462 00:14:20,090 --> 00:14:21,157 >> well, you told me to bring 463 00:14:21,224 --> 00:14:21,924 Candy, so I would like to 464 00:14:21,992 --> 00:14:22,658 Introduce candy dicenzo of the 465 00:14:22,726 --> 00:14:25,194 Reno dicenzo's. 466 00:14:25,262 --> 00:14:25,895 [ giggles ] 467 00:14:25,962 --> 00:14:28,097 >> you're so funny, johnny! 468 00:14:28,165 --> 00:14:28,864 >> good god, you're running for 469 00:14:28,932 --> 00:14:30,933 President! 470 00:14:31,001 --> 00:14:31,634 >> don't worry, she's just my 471 00:14:31,702 --> 00:14:32,301 Campaign manager. 472 00:14:32,369 --> 00:14:33,169 And also a prostitute. 473 00:14:33,236 --> 00:14:38,641 [ laughter ] 474 00:14:38,709 --> 00:14:39,375 Hey there, judy, do you have any 475 00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:40,042 M&m's for me, the back pill 476 00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:40,509 Kind. 477 00:14:40,577 --> 00:14:41,210 >> I do, but I don't have any 478 00:14:41,278 --> 00:14:41,744 Water. 479 00:14:41,812 --> 00:14:42,278 >> that's okay. 480 00:14:42,346 --> 00:14:43,479 I can dry swallow. 481 00:14:43,547 --> 00:14:44,980 >> don't say swallow! 482 00:14:45,048 --> 00:14:46,349 ♪ 483 00:14:46,416 --> 00:14:53,222 [ laughter ] 484 00:14:53,290 --> 00:14:53,956 >> liberace, you weren't invited 485 00:14:54,024 --> 00:14:54,457 This year. 486 00:14:54,524 --> 00:14:55,191 >> oh, I couldn't miss a party 487 00:14:55,258 --> 00:14:56,625 Vincent. 488 00:14:56,693 --> 00:14:57,360 >> well, as long as you're on 489 00:14:57,427 --> 00:14:58,594 Good behavior. 490 00:14:58,662 --> 00:15:00,296 >> did you bring us any candy? 491 00:15:00,364 --> 00:15:02,398 >> well, aren't these lovely? 492 00:15:02,466 --> 00:15:03,032 These are rum and kahlua 493 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,567 Meringues. 494 00:15:04,634 --> 00:15:05,901 They have a hard outer shell, 495 00:15:05,969 --> 00:15:06,669 But if you work at it, you get a 496 00:15:06,737 --> 00:15:09,271 Mouth full of cream. 497 00:15:09,339 --> 00:15:12,875 [ laughter ] 498 00:15:12,943 --> 00:15:13,843 >> liberace -- 499 00:15:13,910 --> 00:15:15,244 Future president is here. 500 00:15:15,312 --> 00:15:15,945 Senator, I apologize for my 501 00:15:16,012 --> 00:15:17,680 Friend's behavior. 502 00:15:17,748 --> 00:15:20,049 >> mmm -- yeah. 503 00:15:20,117 --> 00:15:21,117 [ laughter ] 504 00:15:21,184 --> 00:15:21,784 >> ah, this is a tough one. 505 00:15:21,852 --> 00:15:22,752 But I'm going to go with judy. 506 00:15:22,819 --> 00:15:24,587 >> I'm a winner! 507 00:15:24,654 --> 00:15:25,955 >> take tracks, candy. 508 00:15:26,022 --> 00:15:27,056 >> geezy-creezy, senator. 509 00:15:27,124 --> 00:15:31,994 Voters are watching. 510 00:15:32,062 --> 00:15:32,795 Well, now it's time for arts and 511 00:15:32,863 --> 00:15:33,496 Crafts where we learn how to 512 00:15:33,563 --> 00:15:37,333 Make spooky crafts. 513 00:15:37,401 --> 00:15:39,402 Let's go to our pumpkin. 514 00:15:39,469 --> 00:15:40,035 Step one. 515 00:15:40,103 --> 00:15:42,505 Carve a hole. 516 00:15:42,572 --> 00:15:43,773 >> step two, wait behind it. 517 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:52,615 [ laughter ] 518 00:15:52,682 --> 00:15:53,516 >> liberace! 519 00:15:53,583 --> 00:15:54,283 >> step two, carve a spooky face 520 00:15:54,351 --> 00:15:56,585 With a big, wide mouth. 521 00:15:56,653 --> 00:15:57,286 >> the fewer the teeth, the 522 00:15:57,354 --> 00:15:57,653 Better. 523 00:15:57,721 --> 00:15:59,121 >> liberace! 524 00:15:59,189 --> 00:16:02,391 [ laughter ] 525 00:16:02,459 --> 00:16:04,727 Please, stop! 526 00:16:04,795 --> 00:16:05,461 Then, for a little fun, put a 527 00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,463 Candle in the pumpkin. 528 00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:08,197 >> you know, for a lot of fun, I 529 00:16:08,265 --> 00:16:08,898 Like to put my candle between 530 00:16:08,965 --> 00:16:10,900 Two pumpkins. 531 00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:13,736 >> liber -- senator! 532 00:16:13,804 --> 00:16:15,738 I'm getting it from both sides. 533 00:16:15,806 --> 00:16:16,372 [ in unison ] 534 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,440 >> been there, done that. 535 00:16:17,507 --> 00:16:21,310 [ laughter ] 536 00:16:21,378 --> 00:16:21,744 >> oh -- 537 00:16:21,812 --> 00:16:24,814 Now, where were we? 538 00:16:24,881 --> 00:16:25,548 >> vincent, judy just had the 539 00:16:25,615 --> 00:16:26,315 Best idea for my administration. 540 00:16:26,383 --> 00:16:28,951 Tell them, judy. 541 00:16:29,019 --> 00:16:29,752 >> I think we should put a man 542 00:16:29,820 --> 00:16:31,854 On the moon. 543 00:16:31,922 --> 00:16:32,721 >> isn't that wonderful? 544 00:16:32,789 --> 00:16:33,456 >> man on the moon, what would 545 00:16:33,523 --> 00:16:34,290 They do? 546 00:16:34,357 --> 00:16:35,257 >> tell them, judy. 547 00:16:35,325 --> 00:16:36,158 >> isn't it obvious? 548 00:16:36,226 --> 00:16:38,794 Play golf! 549 00:16:38,862 --> 00:16:39,462 >> how great is that? 550 00:16:39,529 --> 00:16:40,095 >> it's not great, it's 551 00:16:40,163 --> 00:16:42,064 Impossible. 552 00:16:42,132 --> 00:16:42,832 >> we do things not because they 553 00:16:42,899 --> 00:16:43,999 Are easy. 554 00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:46,202 But because they are hard. 555 00:16:46,269 --> 00:16:46,902 >> I do them because they are 556 00:16:46,970 --> 00:16:51,907 Hard and easy. 557 00:16:51,975 --> 00:16:52,341 >> all rihght! 558 00:16:52,409 --> 00:16:52,708 All right! 559 00:16:52,776 --> 00:16:53,108 New rule -- 560 00:16:53,176 --> 00:16:53,843 Be careful what you say around 561 00:16:53,910 --> 00:16:54,210 Liberace. 562 00:16:54,277 --> 00:16:54,810 He can twist anything. 563 00:16:54,878 --> 00:16:55,478 >> I can bend anything, too. 564 00:16:55,545 --> 00:16:57,480 >> ah, hey! 565 00:16:57,547 --> 00:16:58,247 Ah. 566 00:16:58,315 --> 00:17:01,884 Ooh. 567 00:17:01,952 --> 00:17:05,888 [ laughter ] 568 00:17:05,956 --> 00:17:06,889 Moving on. 569 00:17:06,957 --> 00:17:07,623 It's time for our spooky science 570 00:17:07,691 --> 00:17:08,891 Experiment. 571 00:17:08,959 --> 00:17:10,793 Judy, can you be my volunteer? 572 00:17:10,861 --> 00:17:11,427 >> love to! 573 00:17:11,495 --> 00:17:15,731 >> put on the blindfold. 574 00:17:15,799 --> 00:17:16,499 Now, put your hands in the first 575 00:17:16,566 --> 00:17:18,267 Bowl. 576 00:17:18,335 --> 00:17:19,101 >> oh. 577 00:17:19,169 --> 00:17:21,971 Oh! 578 00:17:22,038 --> 00:17:23,639 >> these are zombie brains! 579 00:17:23,707 --> 00:17:24,740 >> oh, I don't like this! 580 00:17:24,808 --> 00:17:26,408 Oh, I don't like this at all! 581 00:17:26,476 --> 00:17:27,176 >> we're having spooky fun here, 582 00:17:27,244 --> 00:17:29,345 Spooky fun. 583 00:17:29,412 --> 00:17:30,546 All friends. 584 00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:34,316 Now, these are zombie eyeballs! 585 00:17:34,384 --> 00:17:35,050 >> oh, that is the worst thing 586 00:17:35,118 --> 00:17:35,451 Ever! 587 00:17:35,519 --> 00:17:37,520 Crazy, I tell you, crazy! 588 00:17:37,587 --> 00:17:37,987 Mickey rooney! 589 00:17:38,054 --> 00:17:38,721 >> mickey rooney? 590 00:17:38,788 --> 00:17:40,489 She is flipping out. 591 00:17:40,557 --> 00:17:41,657 Look, the brains were just 592 00:17:41,725 --> 00:17:42,791 Spaghetti, and the eyeballs were 593 00:17:42,859 --> 00:17:44,760 Just grapes. 594 00:17:44,828 --> 00:17:45,427 >> that's right. 595 00:17:45,495 --> 00:17:46,161 And this zombie finger here is 596 00:17:46,229 --> 00:17:47,863 Just a sausage. 597 00:17:47,931 --> 00:17:49,131 [ laughter ] 598 00:17:49,199 --> 00:17:50,699 >> sausage? 599 00:17:50,767 --> 00:17:52,601 There isn't a sausage! 600 00:17:52,669 --> 00:17:59,141 [ laughter ] 601 00:17:59,209 --> 00:18:01,644 Liberace! 602 00:18:01,711 --> 00:18:03,345 [ laughter ] 603 00:18:03,413 --> 00:18:03,946 >> you've got my vote. 604 00:18:04,014 --> 00:18:04,380 >> that's it. 605 00:18:04,447 --> 00:18:05,014 Happy Halloween, everyone. 606 00:18:05,081 --> 00:18:05,414 That's it! 607 00:18:05,482 --> 00:18:05,848 [ laughter ] 608 00:18:05,916 --> 00:18:06,515 >> why's your hand still in 609 00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:06,949 There senator? 610 00:18:07,017 --> 00:18:12,389 [ cheers and applause ] 611 00:18:12,390 --> 00:18:12,822 >> 45 years ago. 612 00:18:12,890 --> 00:18:13,523 Robert zemeckis took us on a 613 00:18:13,591 --> 00:18:15,091 Journey back in time. 614 00:18:15,159 --> 00:18:15,925 And now, you can take that 615 00:18:15,993 --> 00:18:18,061 Journey again with the 25th 616 00:18:18,129 --> 00:18:20,463 Anniversary dvd of "back to the 617 00:18:20,531 --> 00:18:21,231 Future," including never before 618 00:18:21,298 --> 00:18:21,731 Seen screen tests. 619 00:18:21,799 --> 00:18:23,566 [ bleep ] 620 00:18:23,634 --> 00:18:24,734 >> al pacino as doc brown. 621 00:18:24,802 --> 00:18:25,935 >> doc brown. 622 00:18:26,003 --> 00:18:26,703 Al, you are doc brown. 623 00:18:26,771 --> 00:18:28,838 Marty! 624 00:18:28,906 --> 00:18:30,040 My calculations are correct. 625 00:18:30,107 --> 00:18:31,341 When this baby hits 88 miles per 626 00:18:31,409 --> 00:18:32,375 Hour, you're gonna see some 627 00:18:32,443 --> 00:18:33,510 Serious [ bleep ]! 628 00:18:33,577 --> 00:18:33,977 >> okay, cut! 629 00:18:34,045 --> 00:18:35,111 [ bleep ] 630 00:18:35,179 --> 00:18:36,780 >> eddie murphy, screen test. 631 00:18:36,847 --> 00:18:37,480 >> doc you gotta listen to me! 632 00:18:37,548 --> 00:18:39,082 The bruise on your head! 633 00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:39,916 I know what happened! 634 00:18:39,984 --> 00:18:41,851 You told me the whole story. 635 00:18:41,919 --> 00:18:42,719 You was standing on your toilet, 636 00:18:42,787 --> 00:18:43,820 You were hanging a clock, you 637 00:18:43,888 --> 00:18:44,621 Fell and you hit your head on 638 00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:46,389 The sink! 639 00:18:46,457 --> 00:18:47,090 And that's where you came up 640 00:18:47,158 --> 00:18:47,724 With the idea of the flux 641 00:18:47,792 --> 00:18:48,992 Capacitor! 642 00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:49,726 Hey man, what the hell is this 643 00:18:49,794 --> 00:18:50,326 Movie about? 644 00:18:50,394 --> 00:18:50,994 >> it's about time travel, 645 00:18:51,062 --> 00:18:51,361 Eddie. 646 00:18:51,429 --> 00:18:52,529 >> time travel? 647 00:18:52,596 --> 00:18:54,464 [ laughs ] 648 00:18:54,532 --> 00:18:55,365 >> oh my god, that is hilarious! 649 00:18:55,433 --> 00:18:57,067 That's crazy, man. 650 00:18:57,134 --> 00:18:58,568 That's funny. 651 00:18:58,636 --> 00:18:59,536 That means you can go in the 652 00:18:59,603 --> 00:19:00,270 Future and do some stuff your 653 00:19:00,337 --> 00:19:01,271 Ass ain't even done yet. 654 00:19:01,338 --> 00:19:02,038 Like hey, I ain't slept yet, but 655 00:19:02,106 --> 00:19:02,472 I will. 656 00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:03,473 Yes! 657 00:19:03,541 --> 00:19:07,143 [ laughs ] 658 00:19:07,211 --> 00:19:08,011 That is funny. 659 00:19:08,079 --> 00:19:10,580 >> jennifer tilly, take one. 660 00:19:10,648 --> 00:19:11,281 >> why do you keep calling me 661 00:19:11,348 --> 00:19:12,816 Calvin? 662 00:19:12,883 --> 00:19:13,583 >> well, that's your name isn't 663 00:19:13,651 --> 00:19:15,118 It? 664 00:19:15,186 --> 00:19:16,453 Calvin klein? 665 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:17,120 It's written all over your 666 00:19:17,188 --> 00:19:20,090 Underwear. 667 00:19:20,157 --> 00:19:20,790 >> okay, maybe play a little 668 00:19:20,858 --> 00:19:23,760 More natural. 669 00:19:23,828 --> 00:19:24,394 >> sure. 670 00:19:24,462 --> 00:19:26,196 Calvin klein. 671 00:19:26,263 --> 00:19:26,996 It's written all over your 672 00:19:27,064 --> 00:19:29,999 Underwear. 673 00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:30,633 Cut. 674 00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:33,169 That was great. 675 00:19:33,237 --> 00:19:33,803 >> sam kinison, take one. 676 00:19:33,871 --> 00:19:36,873 >> wait doc. 677 00:19:36,941 --> 00:19:38,641 Are you telling me that you 678 00:19:38,709 --> 00:19:39,375 Built a time machine out of a 679 00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:39,809 Delorean? 680 00:19:39,877 --> 00:19:42,846 You idiot! 681 00:19:42,913 --> 00:19:43,313 Oh! 682 00:19:43,380 --> 00:19:45,915 Oh! 683 00:19:45,983 --> 00:19:46,416 >> hey wait, sam! 684 00:19:46,484 --> 00:19:47,817 >> oh! 685 00:19:47,885 --> 00:19:48,251 >> sam! 686 00:19:48,319 --> 00:19:48,618 >> oh! 687 00:19:48,686 --> 00:19:50,753 >> robin williams, take one. 688 00:19:50,821 --> 00:19:51,488 >> marty, it's getting heavy in 689 00:19:51,555 --> 00:19:51,888 Here. 690 00:19:51,956 --> 00:19:52,689 Ooh, yes. 691 00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:53,356 Ooh. 692 00:19:53,424 --> 00:19:54,390 1.21 jiggawatts! 693 00:19:54,458 --> 00:19:55,325 Yo, marty! 694 00:19:55,392 --> 00:19:56,025 We gotta get the hell out of 695 00:19:56,093 --> 00:19:58,027 Here! 696 00:19:58,095 --> 00:19:58,728 No marty! 697 00:19:58,796 --> 00:20:00,864 We gotta harness the lightning! 698 00:20:00,931 --> 00:20:01,364 Woo! 699 00:20:01,432 --> 00:20:02,198 Praise jesus! 700 00:20:02,266 --> 00:20:05,268 Ooh! 701 00:20:05,336 --> 00:20:07,203 The space-time continuum, si! 702 00:20:07,271 --> 00:20:08,471 >> cut! 703 00:20:08,539 --> 00:20:10,773 >> did I get it? 704 00:20:10,841 --> 00:20:18,448 Oh, mister happy thinks so! 705 00:20:18,516 --> 00:20:19,282 >> al pacino. 706 00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:19,682 All right. 707 00:20:19,750 --> 00:20:20,183 1.21 jiggawatts? 708 00:20:20,251 --> 00:20:20,617 Great, scott! 709 00:20:20,684 --> 00:20:21,417 >> no. 710 00:20:21,485 --> 00:20:23,219 It's like an expression. 711 00:20:23,287 --> 00:20:23,586 Like -- 712 00:20:23,654 --> 00:20:24,020 Great scott! 713 00:20:24,088 --> 00:20:24,687 >> right, right, right. 714 00:20:24,755 --> 00:20:25,822 Okay. 715 00:20:25,890 --> 00:20:27,590 1.21 jiggawats? 716 00:20:27,658 --> 00:20:29,926 You're doing a great job, scott! 717 00:20:29,994 --> 00:20:30,727 Hey everyone, three cheers for 718 00:20:30,794 --> 00:20:31,728 Scott! 719 00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:32,295 >> okay, you can go. 720 00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:33,897 >> all right. 721 00:20:33,964 --> 00:20:34,664 >> the 25th anniversary "back to 722 00:20:34,732 --> 00:20:35,165 The future dvd." 723 00:20:35,232 --> 00:20:38,568 Own it today. 724 00:21:06,511 --> 00:21:07,177 >> next for the part of nicole 725 00:21:07,245 --> 00:21:09,880 We have lizette barns. 726 00:21:09,981 --> 00:21:10,781 >> hello. 727 00:21:10,849 --> 00:21:12,016 >> well, hello. 728 00:21:12,083 --> 00:21:12,816 I don't think we've had you in 729 00:21:12,884 --> 00:21:15,553 Here before. 730 00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:16,320 >> I'm with classy faces talent 731 00:21:16,388 --> 00:21:17,688 Agency. 732 00:21:17,756 --> 00:21:18,923 You've heard of them? 733 00:21:18,990 --> 00:21:21,959 >> no, can't say that I have. 734 00:21:22,027 --> 00:21:22,660 >> oh, well, here's my head 735 00:21:22,727 --> 00:21:24,194 Picture. 736 00:21:24,262 --> 00:21:24,929 It is of me dressed as a sailor, 737 00:21:24,996 --> 00:21:26,764 Looking into a crystal ball, 738 00:21:26,831 --> 00:21:28,532 Pretending to be surprised. 739 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,068 [ laughter ] 740 00:21:31,136 --> 00:21:31,769 >> that's exactly what it is. 741 00:21:31,836 --> 00:21:35,306 Okay, that's great. 742 00:21:35,373 --> 00:21:36,073 >> listen, before we start, I've 743 00:21:36,141 --> 00:21:37,575 Read the play. 744 00:21:37,642 --> 00:21:40,644 It is very racy. 745 00:21:40,712 --> 00:21:43,681 So there are no surprises later, 746 00:21:43,748 --> 00:21:44,448 I am just gonna tell you what I 747 00:21:44,516 --> 00:21:45,249 Am comfortable doing and not 748 00:21:45,317 --> 00:21:46,050 Doing, and you will just have to 749 00:21:46,117 --> 00:21:46,517 Deal with it. 750 00:21:46,585 --> 00:21:47,384 >> okay. 751 00:21:47,452 --> 00:21:49,687 >> all right. 752 00:21:49,754 --> 00:21:52,089 Well, I am willing to show my 753 00:21:52,157 --> 00:21:53,724 Legs. 754 00:21:53,792 --> 00:21:54,725 My arms. 755 00:21:54,793 --> 00:21:55,426 My face. 756 00:21:55,493 --> 00:21:56,393 My stomach. 757 00:21:56,461 --> 00:21:57,828 My full back. 758 00:21:57,896 --> 00:22:00,631 My toes. 759 00:22:00,699 --> 00:22:01,699 Top part of my head. 760 00:22:01,766 --> 00:22:03,934 My naked breasts. 761 00:22:04,002 --> 00:22:06,570 My butt crack. 762 00:22:06,638 --> 00:22:07,438 My belly button. 763 00:22:07,505 --> 00:22:08,072 My full vagina. 764 00:22:08,139 --> 00:22:09,807 [ laughter ] 765 00:22:09,874 --> 00:22:11,408 Let's see. 766 00:22:11,476 --> 00:22:13,277 I will show my nipples. 767 00:22:13,345 --> 00:22:15,012 My spread-apart butt. 768 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,082 My pushed-together boobs. 769 00:22:18,149 --> 00:22:19,249 >> okay -- 770 00:22:19,317 --> 00:22:19,917 You're not gonna have to -- 771 00:22:19,985 --> 00:22:20,684 >> these are things that I will 772 00:22:20,752 --> 00:22:22,553 Do. 773 00:22:22,621 --> 00:22:23,621 I will sing, I will swear. 774 00:22:23,688 --> 00:22:26,156 I will show my bush. 775 00:22:26,224 --> 00:22:28,792 [ laughter ] 776 00:22:28,860 --> 00:22:31,028 I will tap, I will jiggle. 777 00:22:31,096 --> 00:22:32,763 I will cry. 778 00:22:32,831 --> 00:22:34,298 I will push my boobs together. 779 00:22:34,366 --> 00:22:36,200 I will lift up my skirt, turn 780 00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:37,167 Away from the audience, bend 781 00:22:37,235 --> 00:22:39,403 Over and pass gas with sound. 782 00:22:39,471 --> 00:22:39,837 [ laughter ] 783 00:22:39,904 --> 00:22:40,671 >> lizette, I think you might 784 00:22:40,739 --> 00:22:42,439 Have read a different script. 785 00:22:42,507 --> 00:22:43,107 >> these are the following 786 00:22:43,174 --> 00:22:43,807 Things that are out of the 787 00:22:43,875 --> 00:22:44,341 Question. 788 00:22:44,409 --> 00:22:45,009 I refuse to wear a costume. 789 00:22:45,076 --> 00:22:48,812 Um -- that's it. 790 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:52,750 [ light laughter ] 791 00:22:52,817 --> 00:22:53,617 >> well, that could be a 792 00:22:53,685 --> 00:22:54,451 Problem. 793 00:22:54,519 --> 00:22:56,654 >> and these are some things I 794 00:22:56,721 --> 00:22:57,321 Might be talked into doing. 795 00:22:57,389 --> 00:22:59,690 I might punch myself in the 796 00:22:59,758 --> 00:22:59,990 Face. 797 00:23:00,058 --> 00:23:00,724 I might touch a ding dong, never 798 00:23:00,792 --> 00:23:02,660 Say never. 799 00:23:02,727 --> 00:23:05,496 I might tinkle in a fake sink. 800 00:23:05,563 --> 00:23:08,132 I might eat a very small bowl of 801 00:23:08,199 --> 00:23:08,799 White bird waste if it is 802 00:23:08,867 --> 00:23:13,203 Relevant to the story. 803 00:23:13,271 --> 00:23:14,672 Otherwise, I mean, come on. 804 00:23:14,739 --> 00:23:15,372 >> lizette, can I give you a 805 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:15,839 Little feedback? 806 00:23:15,907 --> 00:23:16,874 >> oh, yeah, uh-huh. 807 00:23:16,941 --> 00:23:17,641 >> you're not getting this part. 808 00:23:17,709 --> 00:23:19,043 >> no! 809 00:23:19,110 --> 00:23:26,050 Give it to me! 810 00:23:26,117 --> 00:23:26,717 >> I'm sorry to interrupt. 811 00:23:26,785 --> 00:23:27,284 But I'm her husband. 812 00:23:27,352 --> 00:23:28,052 I just have to know, how is this 813 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:28,952 Going? 814 00:23:29,020 --> 00:23:29,687 >> I just told me I didn't get 815 00:23:29,754 --> 00:23:30,854 The part. 816 00:23:30,922 --> 00:23:31,555 It's done. 817 00:23:31,623 --> 00:23:32,456 >> well, you are making a huge 818 00:23:32,524 --> 00:23:33,090 Mistake, sir. 819 00:23:33,158 --> 00:23:33,891 >> sandy, please. 820 00:23:33,958 --> 00:23:36,694 >> no, I want to do this. 821 00:23:36,761 --> 00:23:38,362 This woman isn't just my wife. 822 00:23:38,430 --> 00:23:41,131 She is an actress. 823 00:23:41,199 --> 00:23:45,002 She is a masteress of her craft. 824 00:23:45,070 --> 00:23:45,803 Are you insane in the membrane? 825 00:23:45,870 --> 00:23:47,137 [ laughter ] 826 00:23:47,205 --> 00:23:50,974 Insane in the brain? 827 00:23:51,042 --> 00:23:52,676 >> you guys gotta go. 828 00:23:52,744 --> 00:23:55,112 >> first, let me ask you, sir, 829 00:23:55,180 --> 00:23:55,779 Have you seen this woman's 830 00:23:55,847 --> 00:23:57,147 Stanley steemer commercial? 831 00:23:57,215 --> 00:23:57,715 >> sandy, don't. 832 00:23:57,782 --> 00:24:00,451 >> no. 833 00:24:00,518 --> 00:24:01,251 Well, let me remind you. 834 00:24:01,319 --> 00:24:01,885 Two women are having a 835 00:24:01,953 --> 00:24:03,420 Conversation on a couch. 836 00:24:03,488 --> 00:24:05,856 A child runs in and asks mommy 837 00:24:05,924 --> 00:24:06,623 To look at the family dog's new 838 00:24:06,691 --> 00:24:09,126 Trick. 839 00:24:09,194 --> 00:24:10,194 Well, unfortunately, his trick 840 00:24:10,261 --> 00:24:10,928 Is dragging his dirty rear along 841 00:24:10,995 --> 00:24:12,629 The carpet. 842 00:24:12,697 --> 00:24:16,567 And she has to get so mad! 843 00:24:16,634 --> 00:24:17,367 Do it, honey. 844 00:24:17,435 --> 00:24:20,337 >> tommy! 845 00:24:20,405 --> 00:24:25,409 [ laughter ] 846 00:24:25,477 --> 00:24:26,543 >> wow. 847 00:24:26,611 --> 00:24:27,845 That's you. 848 00:24:27,912 --> 00:24:28,312 >> yes. 849 00:24:28,379 --> 00:24:31,715 It's her. 850 00:24:31,783 --> 00:24:34,118 And I am sorry if she has 851 00:24:34,185 --> 00:24:35,219 Standards, unlike every other 852 00:24:35,286 --> 00:24:35,886 Loose actress that comes in 853 00:24:35,954 --> 00:24:36,487 Here. 854 00:24:36,554 --> 00:24:38,288 >> no, no, no, you're right. 855 00:24:38,356 --> 00:24:41,892 I'm sorry. 856 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:45,395 >> so, now that you know who she 857 00:24:45,463 --> 00:24:46,096 Really is, does she have the 858 00:24:46,164 --> 00:24:46,663 Part? 859 00:24:46,731 --> 00:24:47,564 >> no. 860 00:24:47,632 --> 00:24:49,800 [ light laughter ] 861 00:24:49,868 --> 00:24:51,101 >> what if she were to put a 862 00:24:51,169 --> 00:24:52,469 Jelly bean on the chair, sit 863 00:24:52,537 --> 00:24:53,203 Down and then when sits back up, 864 00:24:53,271 --> 00:24:53,804 The jelly bean is gone? 865 00:24:53,872 --> 00:24:55,305 [ laughter ] 866 00:24:55,373 --> 00:24:56,406 >> get out. 867 00:24:56,474 --> 00:24:57,040 >> what if it's a plum? 868 00:24:57,108 --> 00:24:59,576 >> good bye! 869 00:24:59,644 --> 00:25:00,677 >> good day, sir. 870 00:25:00,745 --> 00:25:02,780 I mean jerk. 871 00:25:02,847 --> 00:25:04,348 >> I hope you're happy. 872 00:25:04,415 --> 00:25:09,953 Who's next? 873 00:25:10,021 --> 00:25:15,893 >> uh, sandell barns. 874 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:16,260 >> great. 875 00:25:16,327 --> 00:25:16,693 [ laughter ] 876 00:25:16,761 --> 00:25:17,060 >> hello. 877 00:25:17,128 --> 00:25:17,594 I am sandell barns. 878 00:25:17,662 --> 00:25:18,328 I am with the top hat warehouse 879 00:25:18,396 --> 00:25:21,398 Agency. 880 00:25:21,466 --> 00:25:22,099 I will show the backs of my 881 00:25:22,167 --> 00:25:23,567 Legs. 882 00:25:23,635 --> 00:25:27,037 My pushed together butt. 883 00:25:27,105 --> 00:25:27,671 The front of my weiner. 884 00:25:27,739 --> 00:25:31,642 I will wear diapers. 885 00:25:31,709 --> 00:25:32,876 I will not work with children, 886 00:25:32,944 --> 00:25:33,644 Although I will dance with them. 887 00:25:33,711 --> 00:25:36,680 I may juggle. 888 00:25:36,748 --> 00:25:39,416 I will show my wife's vagina. 889 00:25:39,484 --> 00:25:39,850 [ laughter ] 890 00:25:39,918 --> 00:25:40,450 [ cheers and applause ] 891 00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:47,736 >> the 25th anniversary "back to 892 00:25:47,803 --> 00:25:50,105 The future" dvd. 893 00:25:50,172 --> 00:25:50,772 >> nicolas cage, take one! 894 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:54,309 >> 1.21 jiggawatts? 895 00:25:54,377 --> 00:25:55,110 How am I going to generate that 896 00:25:55,177 --> 00:25:56,344 Kind of power? 897 00:25:56,412 --> 00:25:57,012 >> what in the hell is a 898 00:25:57,079 --> 00:25:59,848 Jiggawatt? 899 00:25:59,915 --> 00:26:00,548 Tell me! 900 00:26:00,616 --> 00:26:02,317 Tell me you bastard! 901 00:26:02,385 --> 00:26:03,118 >> cut! 902 00:26:03,185 --> 00:26:05,186 Yeah, nick. 903 00:26:05,254 --> 00:26:05,854 I'm really sorry but you're 904 00:26:05,921 --> 00:26:09,257 Coming off a little crazy. 905 00:26:09,325 --> 00:26:09,657 >> yeah. 906 00:26:09,725 --> 00:26:11,493 You think I'm crazy now? 907 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:12,227 Check back with me in 25 years! 908 00:26:12,294 --> 00:26:17,265 [ laughs ] 909 00:26:17,333 --> 00:26:17,966 >> this is so nice you guys 910 00:26:18,034 --> 00:26:18,633 Letting me come down here. 911 00:26:18,701 --> 00:26:19,267 You got your lights here. 912 00:26:19,335 --> 00:26:20,735 Your flag there. 913 00:26:20,803 --> 00:26:23,004 >> alan alda as biff. 914 00:26:23,072 --> 00:26:24,039 >> he's great. 915 00:26:24,106 --> 00:26:24,773 Wait a second, let me get this 916 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:26,875 Straight. 917 00:26:26,942 --> 00:26:28,376 This marty mcfly covered my 918 00:26:28,444 --> 00:26:29,711 Convertible in horse manure, so 919 00:26:29,779 --> 00:26:30,412 Now I have to beat him up and 920 00:26:30,479 --> 00:26:32,313 Beat his dad up? 921 00:26:32,381 --> 00:26:33,748 Uh -- 922 00:26:33,816 --> 00:26:34,516 How does that -- 923 00:26:34,583 --> 00:26:35,250 >> actually, they're the same 924 00:26:35,317 --> 00:26:35,550 Age. 925 00:26:35,618 --> 00:26:36,551 >> the same? 926 00:26:36,619 --> 00:26:37,318 The dad and the son are the same 927 00:26:37,386 --> 00:26:37,619 Age. 928 00:26:37,686 --> 00:26:38,219 Wow. 929 00:26:38,287 --> 00:26:38,987 Well this is a -- 930 00:26:39,055 --> 00:26:39,721 A real wild movie you guys are 931 00:26:39,789 --> 00:26:41,289 Making here. 932 00:26:41,357 --> 00:26:41,990 Uh -- 933 00:26:42,058 --> 00:26:43,691 Godspeed. 934 00:26:43,759 --> 00:26:45,593 I want in. 935 00:26:45,661 --> 00:26:49,230 Who do I [ bleep ]? 936 00:26:49,298 --> 00:26:52,133 >> prince, take one. 937 00:26:52,201 --> 00:26:52,801 Prince, you want to come up 938 00:26:52,868 --> 00:26:53,535 Here? 939 00:26:53,602 --> 00:27:01,309 [ bleep ] 940 00:27:01,377 --> 00:27:03,845 >> bill cosby, take one. 941 00:27:03,913 --> 00:27:04,512 >> listen doc, about the 942 00:27:04,580 --> 00:27:06,414 Future -- 943 00:27:06,482 --> 00:27:10,251 >> no! 944 00:27:10,319 --> 00:27:11,152 Marty, we've already agreed that 945 00:27:11,220 --> 00:27:12,487 Having information about the 946 00:27:12,555 --> 00:27:13,154 Future can have disastrous 947 00:27:13,222 --> 00:27:16,257 Consequences about the past. 948 00:27:16,325 --> 00:27:17,892 And the flux capacitor -- 949 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,961 And the fluxitator -- 950 00:27:20,029 --> 00:27:20,595 With the flixing and the 951 00:27:20,663 --> 00:27:21,963 Fluxing -- 952 00:27:22,031 --> 00:27:22,697 And you end up with sunburn on 953 00:27:22,765 --> 00:27:24,032 Your face. 954 00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:26,801 Uh -- 955 00:27:26,869 --> 00:27:27,535 >> gilbert gottfried as biff. 956 00:27:27,603 --> 00:27:29,170 >> what? 957 00:27:29,238 --> 00:27:29,938 Are you looking at? 958 00:27:30,005 --> 00:27:34,642 Butthead? 959 00:27:34,710 --> 00:27:35,376 >> joan cusack, take one. 960 00:27:35,444 --> 00:27:37,312 >> hey you! 961 00:27:37,379 --> 00:27:38,079 Get your meat hooks off me you, 962 00:27:38,147 --> 00:27:45,520 You biff, you. 963 00:27:45,588 --> 00:27:46,054 >> no. 964 00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:46,821 >> hey, what are you looking at 965 00:27:46,889 --> 00:27:47,689 Butthead? 966 00:27:47,756 --> 00:27:48,456 Hey, why don't you make like a 967 00:27:48,524 --> 00:27:50,191 Tree and get out of here. 968 00:27:50,259 --> 00:27:50,959 You know, that is a great line. 969 00:27:51,026 --> 00:27:54,596 That is so great. 970 00:27:54,663 --> 00:27:55,430 The stuff you guys are doing 971 00:27:55,498 --> 00:27:56,531 With the 50's and everything -- 972 00:27:56,599 --> 00:27:58,533 I had jackets like this. 973 00:27:58,601 --> 00:27:59,100 Can you believe that? 974 00:27:59,168 --> 00:28:00,802 I'm the old guy. 975 00:28:00,870 --> 00:28:01,469 >> pee wee herman as marty 976 00:28:01,537 --> 00:28:04,739 Mcfly. 977 00:28:04,807 --> 00:28:05,507 >> this Saturday, we're sending 978 00:28:05,574 --> 00:28:06,708 You back to the future. 979 00:28:06,775 --> 00:28:07,542 >> future! 980 00:28:07,610 --> 00:28:12,747 That's the magic word! 981 00:28:12,815 --> 00:28:13,181 [ laughs ] 982 00:28:13,249 --> 00:28:13,615 >> okay. 983 00:28:13,682 --> 00:28:14,415 Don't forget, you're supposed to 984 00:28:14,483 --> 00:28:15,049 Be a normal, modern day 985 00:28:15,117 --> 00:28:15,416 Teenager. 986 00:28:15,484 --> 00:28:16,151 >> I know you are, but what am 987 00:28:16,218 --> 00:28:17,318 I? 988 00:28:17,386 --> 00:28:18,520 >> that is what you are. 989 00:28:18,587 --> 00:28:19,254 >> I know you are, but what am 990 00:28:19,321 --> 00:28:20,722 I? 991 00:28:20,789 --> 00:28:21,256 >> okay just -- 992 00:28:21,323 --> 00:28:22,090 Forget it. 993 00:28:22,158 --> 00:28:25,894 [ laughs ] 994 00:28:25,961 --> 00:28:26,628 >> the 25th anniversary "back to 995 00:28:26,695 --> 00:28:27,729 The future" dvd. 996 00:28:27,796 --> 00:28:29,931 Own it today. 997 00:28:52,036 --> 00:28:52,669 >>> ladies and gentlemen, 998 00:28:52,736 --> 00:28:54,370 Rihanna. 999 00:28:54,438 --> 00:28:58,842 [ cheers and applause ] 1000 00:28:58,909 --> 00:29:04,714 ♪ 1001 00:29:04,782 --> 00:29:05,682 ♪ ooh na na 1002 00:29:05,783 --> 00:29:07,383 What's my name ♪ 1003 00:29:07,451 --> 00:29:07,984 ♪ ooh na na 1004 00:29:08,052 --> 00:29:14,190 What's my name ♪ 1005 00:29:14,258 --> 00:29:14,891 ♪ ooh na na 1006 00:29:14,959 --> 00:29:16,593 What's my name ♪ 1007 00:29:16,660 --> 00:29:17,293 ♪ ooh na na 1008 00:29:17,361 --> 00:29:19,129 What's my name ♪ 1009 00:29:19,196 --> 00:29:19,929 ♪ ooh na na 1010 00:29:19,997 --> 00:29:20,897 What's my name 1011 00:29:20,965 --> 00:29:23,867 What's my name ♪ 1012 00:29:23,934 --> 00:29:24,968 ♪ not everybody 1013 00:29:25,035 --> 00:29:27,470 Knows how to work my body 1014 00:29:27,538 --> 00:29:27,904 Knows how to 1015 00:29:27,972 --> 00:29:29,606 Make me want it ♪ 1016 00:29:29,673 --> 00:29:32,909 ♪ boy you stay up on it 1017 00:29:32,977 --> 00:29:33,810 You got that something 1018 00:29:33,878 --> 00:29:34,277 That keeps me 1019 00:29:34,345 --> 00:29:37,380 So off balance ♪ 1020 00:29:37,448 --> 00:29:39,282 ♪ baby you're a challenge 1021 00:29:39,350 --> 00:29:42,986 Lets explore your talent ♪ 1022 00:29:43,053 --> 00:29:43,786 ♪ hey boy I really wanna see 1023 00:29:43,854 --> 00:29:44,554 If you can go downtown 1024 00:29:44,622 --> 00:29:47,457 With a girl like me ♪ 1025 00:29:47,525 --> 00:29:48,291 ♪ hey boy I really wanna be with 1026 00:29:48,359 --> 00:29:49,225 You 1027 00:29:49,293 --> 00:29:50,059 'cause you just my type 1028 00:29:50,127 --> 00:29:52,695 Ooh na na na na ♪ 1029 00:29:52,763 --> 00:29:54,364 ♪ I need a boy to 1030 00:29:54,431 --> 00:29:54,898 Take it over 1031 00:29:54,965 --> 00:29:55,532 Looking for a guy 1032 00:29:55,599 --> 00:29:57,567 To put in work, uh ♪ 1033 00:29:57,635 --> 00:29:58,168 ♪ o-o-o-o-oh 1034 00:29:58,235 --> 00:30:01,604 O-o-o-o-oh ♪ 1035 00:30:01,672 --> 00:30:02,405 ♪ hey boy I really wanna see 1036 00:30:02,473 --> 00:30:04,274 If you can go downtown 1037 00:30:04,341 --> 00:30:06,176 With a girl like me ♪ 1038 00:30:06,243 --> 00:30:07,043 ♪ hey boy I really wanna be with 1039 00:30:07,111 --> 00:30:08,011 You 1040 00:30:08,078 --> 00:30:08,611 'cause you just my type 1041 00:30:08,679 --> 00:30:11,514 Ooh na na na na ♪ 1042 00:30:11,582 --> 00:30:12,315 ♪ I need a boy to take it over 1043 00:30:12,383 --> 00:30:13,216 Looking for a guy 1044 00:30:13,284 --> 00:30:16,519 To put in work, uh ♪ 1045 00:30:16,587 --> 00:30:18,021 ♪ o-o-o-o-oh 1046 00:30:18,088 --> 00:30:20,523 O-o-o-o-oh ♪ 1047 00:30:20,591 --> 00:30:21,457 ♪ ooh na na 1048 00:30:21,525 --> 00:30:22,592 What's my name ♪ 1049 00:30:22,660 --> 00:30:23,693 ♪ ooh na na 1050 00:30:23,761 --> 00:30:24,961 What's my name ♪ 1051 00:30:25,029 --> 00:30:26,362 ♪ ooh na na 1052 00:30:26,430 --> 00:30:27,497 What's my name 1053 00:30:27,565 --> 00:30:29,999 What's my name♪ 1054 00:30:30,067 --> 00:30:31,401 ♪ baby you got me 1055 00:30:31,468 --> 00:30:33,703 Ain't nowhere that I'd be 1056 00:30:33,771 --> 00:30:34,170 Than with your 1057 00:30:34,238 --> 00:30:36,606 Arms around me ♪ 1058 00:30:36,674 --> 00:30:37,140 ♪ back and forth 1059 00:30:37,208 --> 00:30:39,676 You rock me ♪ 1060 00:30:39,743 --> 00:30:40,577 ♪ so I surrender 1061 00:30:40,644 --> 00:30:43,146 To every word you whisper 1062 00:30:43,214 --> 00:30:45,915 Every door you enter 1063 00:30:45,983 --> 00:30:49,085 I will let you in ♪ 1064 00:30:49,153 --> 00:30:49,953 ♪ hey boy I really wanna see 1065 00:30:50,020 --> 00:30:51,254 If you can go downtown 1066 00:30:51,322 --> 00:30:53,690 With a girl like me ♪ 1067 00:30:53,757 --> 00:30:54,490 ♪ hey boy I really wanna be with 1068 00:30:54,558 --> 00:30:55,291 You 1069 00:30:55,359 --> 00:30:55,892 'cause you just my type 1070 00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:56,426 Ooh na na na na ♪ 1071 00:30:56,493 --> 00:30:56,993 ♪ I need a boy to 1072 00:30:57,061 --> 00:30:57,427 Take it over 1073 00:30:57,494 --> 00:30:57,927 Looking for a guy 1074 00:30:57,995 --> 00:31:03,700 To put in work, uh ♪ 1075 00:31:03,767 --> 00:31:05,268 ♪ o-o-o-o-oh 1076 00:31:05,336 --> 00:31:09,138 O-o-o-o-oh ♪ 1077 00:31:09,206 --> 00:31:10,340 ♪ you're so amazing 1078 00:31:10,407 --> 00:31:11,441 You took the time 1079 00:31:11,508 --> 00:31:13,810 To figure me out ♪ 1080 00:31:13,877 --> 00:31:14,611 ♪ that's why you take me 1081 00:31:14,678 --> 00:31:15,178 Way past the point of 1082 00:31:15,246 --> 00:31:18,081 Turning me on ♪ 1083 00:31:18,148 --> 00:31:19,482 ♪ you 'bout to break me 1084 00:31:19,550 --> 00:31:19,949 I swear you got 1085 00:31:20,017 --> 00:31:26,789 Me losing my mind ♪ 1086 00:31:26,857 --> 00:31:27,824 ♪ ooh na na 1087 00:31:27,891 --> 00:31:29,459 What's my name ♪ 1088 00:31:29,526 --> 00:31:31,527 ♪ ooh na na what's my name ♪ 1089 00:31:31,595 --> 00:31:37,333 ♪ ooh na na 1090 00:31:37,401 --> 00:31:38,635 What's my name ♪ 1091 00:31:38,702 --> 00:31:39,636 ♪ ooh na na 1092 00:31:39,703 --> 00:31:41,237 What's my name ♪ 1093 00:31:41,305 --> 00:31:42,338 ♪ ooh na na 1094 00:31:42,406 --> 00:31:43,006 What's my name 1095 00:31:43,073 --> 00:31:46,276 What's my name ♪ 1096 00:31:46,343 --> 00:31:47,010 ♪ hey boy I really wanna see 1097 00:31:47,077 --> 00:31:47,610 If you can go downtown 1098 00:31:47,678 --> 00:31:51,014 With a girl like me ♪ 1099 00:31:51,081 --> 00:31:51,848 ♪ hey boy I really wanna be with 1100 00:31:51,915 --> 00:31:52,415 You 1101 00:31:52,483 --> 00:31:53,016 'cause you just my type 1102 00:31:53,083 --> 00:31:56,119 Ooh na na na na ♪ 1103 00:31:56,186 --> 00:31:56,986 ♪ I need a boy to 1104 00:31:57,054 --> 00:31:57,954 Take it over 1105 00:31:58,022 --> 00:31:58,955 Looking for a guy 1106 00:31:59,023 --> 00:32:00,657 To put in work, uh ♪ 1107 00:32:00,724 --> 00:32:02,859 ♪ o-o-o-o-oh 1108 00:32:02,926 --> 00:32:04,627 O-o-o-o-oh ♪ 1109 00:32:04,695 --> 00:32:05,361 ♪ hey boy I really wanna see 1110 00:32:05,429 --> 00:32:05,928 If you can go downtown 1111 00:32:05,996 --> 00:32:10,199 With a girl like me ♪ 1112 00:32:10,267 --> 00:32:11,034 ♪ hey boy I really wanna be with 1113 00:32:11,101 --> 00:32:11,467 You 1114 00:32:11,535 --> 00:32:12,068 'cause you just my type 1115 00:32:12,136 --> 00:32:15,138 Ooh na na na na ♪ 1116 00:32:15,205 --> 00:32:15,672 ♪ I need a boy to 1117 00:32:15,739 --> 00:32:17,040 Take it over 1118 00:32:17,107 --> 00:32:18,007 Looking for a guy 1119 00:32:18,075 --> 00:32:19,575 To put in work, uh ♪ 1120 00:32:19,643 --> 00:32:21,744 ♪ o-o-o-o-oh 1121 00:32:21,812 --> 00:32:24,681 O-o-o-o-oh ♪ 1122 00:32:24,748 --> 00:32:29,686 ♪ 1123 00:32:29,753 --> 00:32:31,387 ♪ o-o-o-o-oh 1124 00:32:31,455 --> 00:32:32,455 O-o-o-o-oh ♪ 1125 00:32:32,523 --> 00:32:38,995 ♪ 1126 00:32:39,063 --> 00:32:43,566 ♪ o-o-o-o-oh o-o-o-o-oh ♪ 1127 00:32:43,634 --> 00:32:49,172 [ cheers and applause ] 1128 00:32:58,808 --> 00:32:59,441 >>> weekend update with seth 1129 00:32:59,509 --> 00:33:00,609 Meyers. 1130 00:33:00,676 --> 00:33:04,980 [ cheers and applause ] 1131 00:33:05,047 --> 00:33:05,714 >> I'm seth meyers, and here are 1132 00:33:05,782 --> 00:33:08,450 Tonight's top stories. 1133 00:33:08,518 --> 00:33:10,952 >>> in an interview on 1134 00:33:11,020 --> 00:33:11,987 "entertainment tonight" this 1135 00:33:12,054 --> 00:33:12,788 Week, sarah palin told mary hart 1136 00:33:12,855 --> 00:33:15,924 That she may run for president 1137 00:33:15,992 --> 00:33:16,658 In 2012 if there was no one to 1138 00:33:16,726 --> 00:33:18,226 Do it. 1139 00:33:18,294 --> 00:33:18,894 That's not how you run for 1140 00:33:18,961 --> 00:33:19,628 President, that's how you offer 1141 00:33:19,695 --> 00:33:24,366 To babysit. 1142 00:33:24,434 --> 00:33:25,100 While campaigning in florida 1143 00:33:25,168 --> 00:33:26,902 This past weekend, palin also 1144 00:33:26,969 --> 00:33:27,602 Plugged her upcoming reality 1145 00:33:27,670 --> 00:33:32,174 Show "sarah palin's alaska." 1146 00:33:32,241 --> 00:33:32,874 If you haven't seen it, the 1147 00:33:32,942 --> 00:33:33,608 Entire show takes place in sarah 1148 00:33:33,676 --> 00:33:34,242 Palin's rear-view mirror. 1149 00:33:34,310 --> 00:33:38,413 [ laughter ] 1150 00:33:38,481 --> 00:33:39,648 On Friday, two packages 1151 00:33:39,715 --> 00:33:40,882 Containing explosive devices 1152 00:33:40,950 --> 00:33:42,083 Were found on cargo planes from 1153 00:33:42,151 --> 00:33:42,784 Yemen, bound for chicago area 1154 00:33:42,852 --> 00:33:45,654 Synagogues. 1155 00:33:45,721 --> 00:33:47,088 Although I can't imagine anyone 1156 00:33:47,156 --> 00:33:48,223 In the synagogue answering the 1157 00:33:48,291 --> 00:33:49,024 Door and saying, "oh, a strange 1158 00:33:49,091 --> 00:33:50,592 Package from yemen. 1159 00:33:50,660 --> 00:33:51,092 Where do I sign?" 1160 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:56,498 [ laughter ] 1161 00:33:56,566 --> 00:33:57,799 >>> the official portrait of 1162 00:33:57,867 --> 00:33:58,700 Former new york city mayor 1163 00:33:58,768 --> 00:33:59,734 Rudy giuliani was unveiled 1164 00:33:59,802 --> 00:34:01,169 Publicly in the city Tuesday, 1165 00:34:01,237 --> 00:34:02,737 And I'm proud of new yorkers 1166 00:34:02,805 --> 00:34:03,472 Because by Wednesday, it only 1167 00:34:03,539 --> 00:34:04,673 Had one penis drawn on it. 1168 00:34:04,740 --> 00:34:09,744 [ laughter ] 1169 00:34:09,812 --> 00:34:10,679 Well, jon cryer, I think you can 1170 00:34:10,746 --> 00:34:16,885 Go ahead and book that vacation. 1171 00:34:16,953 --> 00:34:17,786 Actor charlie sheen was removed 1172 00:34:17,854 --> 00:34:19,287 From new york's plaza hotel 1173 00:34:19,355 --> 00:34:21,089 Monday when he went on a naked 1174 00:34:21,157 --> 00:34:22,324 Drunken rampage and caused 1175 00:34:22,391 --> 00:34:23,058 $7,000 worth of damage to his 1176 00:34:23,125 --> 00:34:24,593 Hotel suite. 1177 00:34:24,660 --> 00:34:25,727 $7,000? 1178 00:34:25,795 --> 00:34:26,461 He must have taken the cashews 1179 00:34:26,529 --> 00:34:30,332 Out of the mini bar. 1180 00:34:30,399 --> 00:34:31,366 >>> the tsa announced it will 1181 00:34:31,434 --> 00:34:32,767 Change the method for manually 1182 00:34:32,835 --> 00:34:34,369 Searching passengers and 1183 00:34:34,437 --> 00:34:35,570 Searches will now include an 1184 00:34:35,638 --> 00:34:36,404 Agent running his or her hand up 1185 00:34:36,472 --> 00:34:37,305 The inside of a passenger's leg 1186 00:34:37,373 --> 00:34:40,509 While this music plays. 1187 00:34:40,576 --> 00:34:43,278 ♪ 1188 00:34:43,346 --> 00:34:53,021 [ laughter ] 1189 00:34:53,089 --> 00:34:53,755 >>> the midterm elections are 1190 00:34:53,823 --> 00:34:55,824 Just a few days away, and most 1191 00:34:55,892 --> 00:34:57,692 Of the polls are predicting 1192 00:34:57,760 --> 00:34:58,426 Gains for republicans in both 1193 00:34:58,494 --> 00:34:59,227 The house and senate. 1194 00:34:59,295 --> 00:34:59,895 Here to comment, political 1195 00:34:59,962 --> 00:35:02,063 Strategist mr. James carville. 1196 00:35:02,131 --> 00:35:10,238 [ cheers and applause ] 1197 00:35:10,306 --> 00:35:12,674 >> hello there! 1198 00:35:12,742 --> 00:35:13,174 >> now, james -- 1199 00:35:13,242 --> 00:35:13,642 Yeah, all right. 1200 00:35:13,709 --> 00:35:14,376 So the big story this election 1201 00:35:14,443 --> 00:35:15,076 Is, of course, the tea party. 1202 00:35:15,144 --> 00:35:15,877 Now, do you think they're ready 1203 00:35:15,945 --> 00:35:16,545 To be taken seriously as a 1204 00:35:16,612 --> 00:35:17,012 Political force? 1205 00:35:17,079 --> 00:35:17,712 >> seth, I love the tea party. 1206 00:35:17,780 --> 00:35:18,313 Those guys make me look 1207 00:35:18,381 --> 00:35:19,047 Attractive and that ain't easy. 1208 00:35:19,115 --> 00:35:19,681 I mean, look at me, seth. 1209 00:35:25,254 --> 00:35:25,921 >> seth, I love the tea party. 1210 00:35:25,988 --> 00:35:26,521 Those guys make me look 1211 00:35:26,589 --> 00:35:28,056 Attractive and that ain't easy. 1212 00:35:28,124 --> 00:35:28,723 I mean, look at me, seth. 1213 00:35:28,791 --> 00:35:30,091 I look like a mean peanut! 1214 00:35:30,159 --> 00:35:34,529 [ laughter ] 1215 00:35:34,597 --> 00:35:36,965 >> back to the election, james. 1216 00:35:37,033 --> 00:35:37,699 It seems like a lot of fringe 1217 00:35:37,767 --> 00:35:38,466 Candidates have more support 1218 00:35:38,534 --> 00:35:39,734 Than ever. 1219 00:35:39,802 --> 00:35:40,468 >> well, see, I thought crazy 1220 00:35:40,536 --> 00:35:42,003 Can be appealing. 1221 00:35:42,071 --> 00:35:44,205 I made a career out of it. 1222 00:35:44,273 --> 00:35:44,940 But that doesn't mean I should 1223 00:35:45,007 --> 00:35:46,007 Be elected to office. 1224 00:35:46,075 --> 00:35:46,908 I mean, when I worked for 1225 00:35:46,976 --> 00:35:49,110 Clinton, I used to have dreams 1226 00:35:49,178 --> 00:35:49,844 That I was president, and they 1227 00:35:49,912 --> 00:35:52,013 Were nuts. 1228 00:35:52,081 --> 00:35:52,781 And in one dream, my vice 1229 00:35:52,848 --> 00:35:54,916 President was a smart alec 1230 00:35:54,984 --> 00:35:55,650 Possum, and every night he and I 1231 00:35:55,718 --> 00:35:56,117 Would get high. 1232 00:35:56,185 --> 00:35:57,919 [ laughter ] 1233 00:35:57,987 --> 00:35:58,720 >> it was a funny dream, but it 1234 00:35:58,788 --> 00:35:59,354 Wouldn't be good for the 1235 00:35:59,422 --> 00:36:00,155 Country. 1236 00:36:00,222 --> 00:36:00,655 No, no, no, no. 1237 00:36:00,723 --> 00:36:01,289 >> no, no. 1238 00:36:01,357 --> 00:36:01,823 Okay. 1239 00:36:01,891 --> 00:36:08,029 [ laughter ] 1240 00:36:08,097 --> 00:36:09,064 >> so, james, now, even if the 1241 00:36:09,131 --> 00:36:10,131 Democrats do hold on to the 1242 00:36:10,199 --> 00:36:11,266 Senate, everyone seems to agree, 1243 00:36:11,334 --> 00:36:11,967 They will probably lose their 1244 00:36:12,034 --> 00:36:14,936 Majority in the house. 1245 00:36:15,004 --> 00:36:15,604 >> well, let them have the 1246 00:36:15,671 --> 00:36:15,937 House. 1247 00:36:16,005 --> 00:36:16,404 Good riddance. 1248 00:36:16,472 --> 00:36:17,172 Have you ever seen the house of 1249 00:36:17,239 --> 00:36:17,672 Representatives? 1250 00:36:17,740 --> 00:36:20,208 [ laughter ] 1251 00:36:20,276 --> 00:36:20,909 >> it's like the waiting room 1252 00:36:20,977 --> 00:36:21,376 For jury duty. 1253 00:36:21,444 --> 00:36:22,577 [ laughter ] 1254 00:36:22,645 --> 00:36:23,278 >> when you see the house on 1255 00:36:23,346 --> 00:36:24,012 C-span, it looks like a family 1256 00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:24,679 Reunion that's only weird 1257 00:36:24,747 --> 00:36:25,046 Uncles. 1258 00:36:25,114 --> 00:36:27,749 [ laughter ] 1259 00:36:27,817 --> 00:36:28,483 >> so you're not threatened to 1260 00:36:28,551 --> 00:36:29,150 See tea party members take 1261 00:36:29,218 --> 00:36:31,019 Office. 1262 00:36:31,087 --> 00:36:32,921 >> no, let 'em. 1263 00:36:32,989 --> 00:36:34,289 I mean, the tea party are like 1264 00:36:34,357 --> 00:36:35,023 Fun, kooky parents that your 1265 00:36:35,091 --> 00:36:36,391 Friends had when they were kids. 1266 00:36:36,459 --> 00:36:37,125 Let them stay up all night and 1267 00:36:37,193 --> 00:36:41,730 Watch cinemax. 1268 00:36:41,797 --> 00:36:42,430 And one night you sleep over 1269 00:36:42,498 --> 00:36:43,164 There, and they don't have any 1270 00:36:43,232 --> 00:36:43,465 Food. 1271 00:36:43,532 --> 00:36:45,300 [ laughter ] 1272 00:36:45,368 --> 00:36:46,001 >> it's just expired peanut 1273 00:36:46,068 --> 00:36:48,336 Butter. 1274 00:36:48,404 --> 00:36:50,005 They fight and listen to weird 1275 00:36:50,072 --> 00:36:51,239 Records, and their dog is like 1276 00:36:51,307 --> 00:36:51,906 50 years old and he's just 1277 00:36:51,974 --> 00:36:53,508 Staring at you. 1278 00:36:53,576 --> 00:36:54,376 And you're like, man, this is 1279 00:36:54,443 --> 00:36:54,743 Creepy. 1280 00:36:54,810 --> 00:36:55,477 I kind of want to go home, you 1281 00:36:55,544 --> 00:36:55,810 Know? 1282 00:36:55,878 --> 00:36:56,778 [ laughter ] 1283 00:36:56,846 --> 00:36:57,479 >> all I'm saying is, if you 1284 00:36:57,546 --> 00:36:59,614 Elect these tea party 1285 00:36:59,682 --> 00:37:00,415 Kook-a-looks, you're going to be 1286 00:37:00,483 --> 00:37:02,050 Calling harry reid in two months 1287 00:37:02,118 --> 00:37:02,784 And saying, dad, can you come 1288 00:37:02,852 --> 00:37:03,184 Pick me up? 1289 00:37:03,252 --> 00:37:07,722 >> james carville, everybody! 1290 00:37:07,790 --> 00:37:10,158 [ cheers and applause ] 1291 00:37:10,226 --> 00:37:10,692 The peanut. 1292 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:13,895 >> peanut. 1293 00:37:13,963 --> 00:37:14,629 >>> minnesota vikings coach 1294 00:37:14,697 --> 00:37:16,064 Brad childress says he is 1295 00:37:16,132 --> 00:37:17,298 Leaning toward benching brett 1296 00:37:17,366 --> 00:37:18,033 Favre this Sunday which would 1297 00:37:18,100 --> 00:37:20,068 End his streak of 1298 00:37:20,136 --> 00:37:21,636 291 consecutive starts, which is 1299 00:37:21,704 --> 00:37:23,638 Really bad news, now that we 1300 00:37:23,706 --> 00:37:24,372 Know how poorly favre handles 1301 00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:24,773 Free time. 1302 00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:30,745 [ laughter ] 1303 00:37:30,813 --> 00:37:31,513 >>> a 10-year-old boy in china 1304 00:37:31,580 --> 00:37:32,213 Survived after falling 20 1305 00:37:32,281 --> 00:37:32,947 Stories from an apartment window 1306 00:37:33,015 --> 00:37:35,283 And landing on a parked car. 1307 00:37:35,351 --> 00:37:36,017 And since it was china, the air 1308 00:37:36,085 --> 00:37:36,785 Helped break his fall. 1309 00:37:36,852 --> 00:37:41,556 [ laughter ] 1310 00:37:41,624 --> 00:37:42,424 >>> a new app is now available 1311 00:37:42,491 --> 00:37:43,958 For Halloween called trick or 1312 00:37:44,026 --> 00:37:45,927 Tracker that allows parents to 1313 00:37:45,995 --> 00:37:46,695 Receive regular updates on their 1314 00:37:46,762 --> 00:37:49,264 Children's location via gps. 1315 00:37:49,331 --> 00:37:49,964 Said kids, "wait, you're not 1316 00:37:50,032 --> 00:37:50,732 Coming with us? 1317 00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:54,302 I'm only 4!" 1318 00:37:54,370 --> 00:37:56,237 [ laughter ] 1319 00:37:56,305 --> 00:37:56,938 >>> several of the rescued 1320 00:37:57,006 --> 00:37:59,174 Chilean miners played a soccer 1321 00:37:59,241 --> 00:38:00,241 Match Monday against some of 1322 00:38:00,309 --> 00:38:01,042 Their rescuers, which is nice, 1323 00:38:01,110 --> 00:38:01,743 But, you know, stuff is not 1324 00:38:01,811 --> 00:38:04,612 Going to mine itself. 1325 00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:11,686 [ laughter ] 1326 00:38:11,754 --> 00:38:12,420 >>> after not finding a suitable 1327 00:38:12,488 --> 00:38:13,188 Man and facing increasing 1328 00:38:13,255 --> 00:38:14,456 Pressure to get married, a 1329 00:38:14,523 --> 00:38:15,190 30-year-old woman in china has 1330 00:38:15,257 --> 00:38:17,826 Married herself. 1331 00:38:17,893 --> 00:38:18,460 "it's not going to last", 1332 00:38:18,527 --> 00:38:19,227 Whispered the best man, who was 1333 00:38:19,295 --> 00:38:19,594 Also her. 1334 00:38:19,662 --> 00:38:21,896 [ laughter ] 1335 00:38:21,964 --> 00:38:22,630 You know who is not taking this 1336 00:38:22,698 --> 00:38:23,164 News very well? 1337 00:38:23,232 --> 00:38:23,932 Her ex-husband. 1338 00:38:23,999 --> 00:38:29,838 [ laughter ] 1339 00:38:29,905 --> 00:38:31,039 >>> scientists are developing a 1340 00:38:31,107 --> 00:38:31,806 New birth control gel, which has 1341 00:38:31,874 --> 00:38:32,574 No side effects and is taken by 1342 00:38:32,641 --> 00:38:34,175 Rubbing it on the skin. 1343 00:38:34,243 --> 00:38:34,909 And it's 100% effective, because 1344 00:38:34,977 --> 00:38:35,643 No one is going to sleep with a 1345 00:38:35,711 --> 00:38:36,311 Weird lady covered in gel. 1346 00:38:36,378 --> 00:38:41,916 [ laughter ] 1347 00:38:41,984 --> 00:38:42,650 >>> I think everyone can agree 1348 00:38:42,718 --> 00:38:43,318 The only thing that's more 1349 00:38:43,385 --> 00:38:43,985 Exciting than Halloween is 1350 00:38:44,053 --> 00:38:45,453 Halloween music. 1351 00:38:45,521 --> 00:38:46,221 Here tonight to talk about their 1352 00:38:46,288 --> 00:38:46,955 Much anticipated holiday album 1353 00:38:47,022 --> 00:38:47,756 Are the two best-looking people 1354 00:38:47,823 --> 00:38:48,490 I've ever seen in person, singer 1355 00:38:48,557 --> 00:38:59,734 Song writers garth and cath. 1356 00:38:59,802 --> 00:39:00,368 >> sorry we're late, we 1357 00:39:00,436 --> 00:39:01,136 Literally just got off a hay 1358 00:39:01,203 --> 00:39:01,770 Ride. 1359 00:39:01,837 --> 00:39:02,804 >> like, two seconds ago. 1360 00:39:02,872 --> 00:39:03,404 >> don't worry about it. 1361 00:39:03,472 --> 00:39:05,907 So -- 1362 00:39:05,975 --> 00:39:06,541 Garth and cath -- 1363 00:39:06,609 --> 00:39:07,342 You guys are going to sing a few 1364 00:39:07,409 --> 00:39:07,942 Songs off this album. 1365 00:39:08,010 --> 00:39:08,510 Are you ready to go? 1366 00:39:08,577 --> 00:39:10,445 Do you need a minute? 1367 00:39:10,513 --> 00:39:10,912 >> we're ready. 1368 00:39:10,980 --> 00:39:12,413 >> we're ready and prepared. 1369 00:39:12,481 --> 00:39:12,947 We're gonna do it. 1370 00:39:13,015 --> 00:39:15,517 >> I cannot wait. 1371 00:39:15,584 --> 00:39:16,017 I'm very excited. 1372 00:39:16,085 --> 00:39:16,484 Let's hear one. 1373 00:39:16,552 --> 00:39:16,985 >> all right. 1374 00:39:17,052 --> 00:39:18,086 Okay. 1375 00:39:18,154 --> 00:39:19,687 Our first song is uh -- 1376 00:39:19,755 --> 00:39:20,855 "Halloween party." 1377 00:39:20,923 --> 00:39:21,456 >> that's exactly right. 1378 00:39:21,524 --> 00:39:21,956 "Halloween party." 1379 00:39:22,024 --> 00:39:22,991 >> ready? 1380 00:39:23,058 --> 00:39:23,725 Go. 1381 00:39:23,793 --> 00:39:24,759 ♪ 1382 00:39:24,827 --> 00:39:30,999 ♪ dracula -- 1383 00:39:31,066 --> 00:39:33,468 Corns for breakfast --♪ 1384 00:39:33,536 --> 00:39:35,603 He's from california -- 1385 00:39:35,671 --> 00:39:38,640 ♪ california ♪ 1386 00:39:38,707 --> 00:39:42,477 Oh, man, oh owe ♪ 1387 00:39:42,545 --> 00:39:43,111 ♪ dracula's surfing -- 1388 00:39:43,179 --> 00:39:47,081 Where did he go? 1389 00:39:47,149 --> 00:39:47,949 ♪ dracula's surfing -- 1390 00:39:48,017 --> 00:39:50,752 Where did he go? ♪ [ laughter ] 1391 00:39:50,820 --> 00:39:51,386 >> okay, you know what? 1392 00:39:51,453 --> 00:39:55,590 I'm -- 1393 00:39:55,658 --> 00:39:55,990 [ laughter ] 1394 00:39:56,058 --> 00:39:56,691 >> I am going to -- 1395 00:39:56,759 --> 00:40:00,428 [ cheers and applause ] 1396 00:40:00,496 --> 00:40:00,895 >> yeah. 1397 00:40:00,963 --> 00:40:01,629 >> the reason I stopped you, I 1398 00:40:01,697 --> 00:40:02,363 Just wanted to ask, are you sure 1399 00:40:02,431 --> 00:40:03,097 You guys practiced these songs? 1400 00:40:03,165 --> 00:40:05,867 >> yes. 1401 00:40:05,935 --> 00:40:07,068 We wrote them. 1402 00:40:07,136 --> 00:40:10,805 We know how they go. 1403 00:40:10,873 --> 00:40:11,906 >> I believe you. 1404 00:40:11,974 --> 00:40:12,674 Do you want to try another one? 1405 00:40:12,741 --> 00:40:14,576 >> yes. 1406 00:40:14,643 --> 00:40:15,143 Great. 1407 00:40:15,211 --> 00:40:15,877 We're going to sing a song we 1408 00:40:15,945 --> 00:40:16,945 Perform in schools. 1409 00:40:17,012 --> 00:40:20,014 >> okay, good. 1410 00:40:20,082 --> 00:40:21,149 >> it's for children seth, this 1411 00:40:21,217 --> 00:40:21,916 Holiday is actually for children 1412 00:40:21,984 --> 00:40:22,817 Seth. 1413 00:40:22,885 --> 00:40:23,585 >> it's not all about grown-ups, 1414 00:40:23,652 --> 00:40:25,486 Okay? 1415 00:40:25,554 --> 00:40:26,187 The song is about Halloween 1416 00:40:26,255 --> 00:40:26,521 Safety. 1417 00:40:26,589 --> 00:40:27,155 >> all right. 1418 00:40:27,223 --> 00:40:29,390 What is it called? 1419 00:40:29,458 --> 00:40:30,058 >> "kids, don't smoke fake 1420 00:40:30,125 --> 00:40:33,394 Cigarettes -- 1421 00:40:33,462 --> 00:40:35,463 Because, you know, every time 1422 00:40:35,531 --> 00:40:36,631 People see you and they think 1423 00:40:36,699 --> 00:40:37,599 You're an adult, they know it's 1424 00:40:37,666 --> 00:40:40,869 The most unhealthy thing ever. 1425 00:40:40,936 --> 00:40:46,574 In this town or any town." 1426 00:40:46,642 --> 00:40:47,008 [ laughter ] 1427 00:40:47,076 --> 00:40:47,642 [ cheers and applause ] 1428 00:40:47,710 --> 00:40:48,343 >> I actually missed a little 1429 00:40:48,410 --> 00:40:49,077 Bit of the title of that song. 1430 00:40:49,144 --> 00:40:49,811 Could you say it for me one more 1431 00:40:49,879 --> 00:40:50,111 Time? 1432 00:40:50,179 --> 00:40:52,347 >> oh! 1433 00:40:52,414 --> 00:40:54,883 >> we said, guys, don't smoke 1434 00:40:54,950 --> 00:40:56,718 Cigarettes if they're fake -- 1435 00:40:56,785 --> 00:40:58,553 Because the moment a sheriff 1436 00:40:58,621 --> 00:41:01,522 Sees you he's gonna pull you in 1437 00:41:01,590 --> 00:41:02,257 And say, you can't go trick or 1438 00:41:02,324 --> 00:41:02,624 Treating. 1439 00:41:02,691 --> 00:41:04,759 Ever! 1440 00:41:04,827 --> 00:41:06,461 For a week! 1441 00:41:06,528 --> 00:41:11,799 [ laughter ] 1442 00:41:11,867 --> 00:41:12,267 >> you can't -- 1443 00:41:12,334 --> 00:41:12,800 [ applause ] 1444 00:41:12,868 --> 00:41:13,601 You can't go trick or treating 1445 00:41:13,669 --> 00:41:14,102 Ever for a week. 1446 00:41:14,169 --> 00:41:15,003 >> yep. 1447 00:41:15,070 --> 00:41:15,703 >> well, sounds like a great 1448 00:41:15,771 --> 00:41:16,504 Song. 1449 00:41:16,572 --> 00:41:17,138 I would love to hear it. 1450 00:41:17,206 --> 00:41:21,175 >> okay, great. 1451 00:41:21,243 --> 00:41:25,847 ♪ it's an owl alert -- 1452 00:41:25,915 --> 00:41:26,581 It's owl alert ♪ 1453 00:41:26,649 --> 00:41:27,315 ♪ you got to get under that 1454 00:41:27,383 --> 00:41:30,451 Piano ♪ 1455 00:41:30,519 --> 00:41:32,887 ♪ duck under the piano cause 1456 00:41:32,955 --> 00:41:37,859 Grandma's playing again ♪ 1457 00:41:37,927 --> 00:41:39,928 ♪ everyone, I know ♪ 1458 00:41:39,995 --> 00:41:47,335 ♪ ah ♪ 1459 00:41:47,403 --> 00:41:48,102 >> okay, you know, what I'm just 1460 00:41:48,170 --> 00:41:49,170 Going to -- nope. 1461 00:41:49,238 --> 00:41:54,042 [ laughter ] 1462 00:41:54,109 --> 00:41:55,143 >> it was very good. 1463 00:41:55,210 --> 00:41:56,644 I just -- I love you guys. 1464 00:41:56,712 --> 00:41:57,445 >> okay, thank you. 1465 00:41:57,513 --> 00:41:58,079 >> you're the two most 1466 00:41:58,147 --> 00:41:58,846 Attractive people I've ever met 1467 00:41:58,914 --> 00:42:00,148 In person. 1468 00:42:00,215 --> 00:42:02,450 But it's obvious to me that 1469 00:42:02,518 --> 00:42:03,184 You -- that you didn't prepare 1470 00:42:03,252 --> 00:42:03,551 Anything. 1471 00:42:03,619 --> 00:42:07,522 >> oh, we did, mister! 1472 00:42:07,589 --> 00:42:08,289 That album is very important to 1473 00:42:08,357 --> 00:42:08,556 Us. 1474 00:42:08,624 --> 00:42:09,324 >> okay, we even had a famous 1475 00:42:09,391 --> 00:42:10,191 Artist do the cover artwork, 1476 00:42:10,259 --> 00:42:11,759 Okay? 1477 00:42:11,827 --> 00:42:12,493 >> oh, really, what's his name? 1478 00:42:12,561 --> 00:42:14,295 >> glen seeds! 1479 00:42:14,363 --> 00:42:19,200 [ laughter ] 1480 00:42:19,268 --> 00:42:20,034 >> okay, you know what, I just 1481 00:42:20,102 --> 00:42:20,768 Don't think this is going to 1482 00:42:20,836 --> 00:42:21,169 Work out. 1483 00:42:21,236 --> 00:42:21,903 >> mr. Miners, come on, please? 1484 00:42:21,971 --> 00:42:23,938 >> mr. Minors? 1485 00:42:24,006 --> 00:42:24,706 >> it's mr. Meyers and you know 1486 00:42:24,773 --> 00:42:26,474 That. 1487 00:42:26,542 --> 00:42:27,075 >> that's what we said. 1488 00:42:27,142 --> 00:42:28,876 >> I don't think you did. 1489 00:42:28,944 --> 00:42:29,544 I think you guys should go. 1490 00:42:29,611 --> 00:42:35,483 >> no! 1491 00:42:35,551 --> 00:42:36,184 We came all the way from camp 1492 00:42:36,251 --> 00:42:37,118 David! 1493 00:42:37,186 --> 00:42:40,788 [ laughter ] 1494 00:42:40,856 --> 00:42:41,522 >> I thought you guys got here 1495 00:42:41,590 --> 00:42:42,056 By hay ride. 1496 00:42:42,124 --> 00:42:42,690 >> we did. 1497 00:42:42,758 --> 00:42:43,391 It took forever, the longest 1498 00:42:43,459 --> 00:42:43,691 Time. 1499 00:42:43,759 --> 00:42:44,258 >> so bumpy. 1500 00:42:44,326 --> 00:42:44,892 We lost like half the hay. 1501 00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:46,594 >> I'm going to let you sing 1502 00:42:46,662 --> 00:42:49,764 Like one more song. 1503 00:42:49,832 --> 00:42:50,365 >> okay. 1504 00:42:50,432 --> 00:42:51,566 50 more! 1505 00:42:51,633 --> 00:42:52,533 [ laughter ] 1506 00:42:52,601 --> 00:42:53,368 >> one more. 1507 00:42:53,435 --> 00:42:56,471 >> oh come on, man! 1508 00:42:56,538 --> 00:42:57,238 >> don't take that tone with me. 1509 00:42:57,306 --> 00:42:57,772 >> all right, fine. 1510 00:42:57,840 --> 00:42:58,506 This one is called the "wackiest 1511 00:42:58,574 --> 00:43:00,641 Witch." 1512 00:43:00,709 --> 00:43:07,548 >> and we even have music. 1513 00:43:07,616 --> 00:43:08,349 ♪ the spooky house on Halloween 1514 00:43:08,417 --> 00:43:09,884 Hill♪ 1515 00:43:09,952 --> 00:43:10,651 ♪ knock on the door what will 1516 00:43:10,719 --> 00:43:12,987 You see ♪ 1517 00:43:13,055 --> 00:43:14,355 >> this is great. 1518 00:43:14,423 --> 00:43:15,323 ♪ there was a chocolate factory 1519 00:43:15,391 --> 00:43:17,859 That closed down ♪ 1520 00:43:17,926 --> 00:43:20,194 ♪ we knocked and ran 1521 00:43:20,262 --> 00:43:21,062 And asked them please let us in 1522 00:43:21,130 --> 00:43:23,231 ♪ 1523 00:43:23,298 --> 00:43:24,465 ♪ to sample the chocolate ♪ 1524 00:43:24,533 --> 00:43:29,871 ♪ gobble gobble gobble gobble ♪ 1525 00:43:29,938 --> 00:43:30,471 ♪ we love chocolate 1526 00:43:30,539 --> 00:43:33,708 Chocolate milk ♪ 1527 00:43:33,776 --> 00:43:34,842 ♪ we all love chocolate ♪ 1528 00:43:34,910 --> 00:43:36,878 ♪ chocolate ♪ 1529 00:43:36,945 --> 00:43:37,645 ♪ going off again to see the 1530 00:43:37,713 --> 00:43:43,084 King ♪ 1531 00:43:43,152 --> 00:43:47,255 ♪ sour moo! ♪ 1532 00:43:47,322 --> 00:43:49,657 >>> everybody, happy Halloween. 1533 00:43:49,725 --> 00:43:50,258 For weekend update I'm 1534 00:43:50,325 --> 00:43:55,296 Seth meyers. 1535 00:43:55,297 --> 00:43:59,467 [ phones ping, buzz ] 1536 00:44:00,903 --> 00:44:05,306 [ laughs ] 1537 00:44:10,968 --> 00:44:11,668 >>> now it's time for, "I didn't 1538 00:44:11,736 --> 00:44:13,837 Ask for this." 1539 00:44:13,905 --> 00:44:14,804 >> hello. 1540 00:44:14,872 --> 00:44:15,539 I am roger sims, and welcome to 1541 00:44:15,606 --> 00:44:20,443 "I didn't ask for this." 1542 00:44:20,511 --> 00:44:22,245 A show to support people whose 1543 00:44:22,313 --> 00:44:23,713 Lives have been ruined because 1544 00:44:23,814 --> 00:44:24,481 Of embarrassing videos of them 1545 00:44:24,549 --> 00:44:26,550 On the internet. 1546 00:44:26,617 --> 00:44:27,250 I'd like to take a second to 1547 00:44:27,318 --> 00:44:28,985 Introduce my producer, pierre. 1548 00:44:29,053 --> 00:44:29,753 I could not do this show without 1549 00:44:29,820 --> 00:44:31,021 Him. 1550 00:44:31,088 --> 00:44:35,325 >> my pleasure, roger. 1551 00:44:35,393 --> 00:44:36,626 As most of you are aware by now, 1552 00:44:36,694 --> 00:44:39,863 I gained some unwanted notoriety 1553 00:44:39,931 --> 00:44:40,897 Due to the popularity of an 1554 00:44:40,965 --> 00:44:42,365 Extremely embarrassing video 1555 00:44:42,433 --> 00:44:43,133 That was posted on the internet 1556 00:44:43,200 --> 00:44:45,035 For the world to see. 1557 00:44:45,102 --> 00:44:48,138 Let's roll the clip. 1558 00:44:48,205 --> 00:44:53,443 >> this maze is so hard. 1559 00:44:53,511 --> 00:44:58,348 And it gets so narrow. 1560 00:44:58,416 --> 00:45:01,418 [ screams ] 1561 00:45:01,485 --> 00:45:02,852 [ laughter ] 1562 00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:11,261 [ crying ] 1563 00:45:11,329 --> 00:45:11,561 Why?! 1564 00:45:11,629 --> 00:45:12,562 Why would you do that?! 1565 00:45:12,630 --> 00:45:14,331 That's not funny at all! 1566 00:45:14,398 --> 00:45:15,599 Why did you do that to me?! 1567 00:45:15,666 --> 00:45:20,303 Why did you -- 1568 00:45:20,371 --> 00:45:21,237 >> see? 1569 00:45:21,305 --> 00:45:22,706 That's not funny! 1570 00:45:22,773 --> 00:45:24,841 Not even in the slightest. 1571 00:45:24,909 --> 00:45:25,542 Let's go to the serious cam. 1572 00:45:25,610 --> 00:45:28,445 [ screams ] 1573 00:45:28,512 --> 00:45:30,180 >> I'm serious. 1574 00:45:30,247 --> 00:45:31,014 Why? 1575 00:45:31,082 --> 00:45:31,781 Why do people think it's okay to 1576 00:45:31,849 --> 00:45:33,917 Laugh at this? 1577 00:45:33,985 --> 00:45:35,852 I don't see the humor. 1578 00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:37,954 My name is roger sims. 1579 00:45:38,022 --> 00:45:39,656 Not "fat guy gets owned." 1580 00:45:39,724 --> 00:45:41,658 [ laughter ] 1581 00:45:41,726 --> 00:45:45,829 I didn't ask for this. 1582 00:45:45,896 --> 00:45:46,730 Our first guest is a real human 1583 00:45:46,797 --> 00:45:51,167 Being with feelings. 1584 00:45:51,235 --> 00:45:51,835 Please welcome to the show, 1585 00:45:51,902 --> 00:45:57,073 Maureen o'hare. 1586 00:45:57,141 --> 00:45:57,707 Thank you for joining us, 1587 00:45:57,775 --> 00:45:59,042 Maureen. 1588 00:45:59,110 --> 00:46:01,845 Please, tell us your story. 1589 00:46:01,912 --> 00:46:06,082 >> this is hard, but okay, on a 1590 00:46:06,150 --> 00:46:07,851 Recent trip to colonial 1591 00:46:07,918 --> 00:46:10,186 Williamsburg, I -- 1592 00:46:10,254 --> 00:46:10,687 I can't. 1593 00:46:10,755 --> 00:46:15,191 [ laughter ] 1594 00:46:15,259 --> 00:46:15,592 >> wow. 1595 00:46:15,660 --> 00:46:16,059 See? 1596 00:46:16,127 --> 00:46:16,626 Let's roll the clip. 1597 00:46:16,694 --> 00:46:17,394 >> honey, honey, get me with the 1598 00:46:17,461 --> 00:46:18,261 Lady here -- 1599 00:46:18,329 --> 00:46:18,795 With the wind. 1600 00:46:18,863 --> 00:46:19,796 Sorry. 1601 00:46:19,864 --> 00:46:23,366 Oh, there's a bee, watch out. 1602 00:46:23,434 --> 00:46:27,037 >> oh! 1603 00:46:27,104 --> 00:46:28,038 >> watch out. 1604 00:46:28,105 --> 00:46:28,304 Oh! 1605 00:46:28,372 --> 00:46:28,705 [ laughter ] 1606 00:46:28,773 --> 00:46:31,241 That looked so painful! 1607 00:46:31,308 --> 00:46:32,008 >> it got even more painful when 1608 00:46:32,076 --> 00:46:32,709 Someone remixed it into a rap 1609 00:46:32,777 --> 00:46:36,413 Song. 1610 00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:38,148 >> to the serious cam! 1611 00:46:38,215 --> 00:46:38,848 >> honey, honey, get me with 1612 00:46:38,916 --> 00:46:39,182 The -- 1613 00:46:39,250 --> 00:46:39,883 With the lady here, with the 1614 00:46:39,950 --> 00:46:40,450 Wind. 1615 00:46:40,518 --> 00:46:41,584 ♪ wind, wind, wind ♪ 1616 00:46:41,652 --> 00:46:42,118 >> seriously, why? 1617 00:46:42,186 --> 00:46:43,119 Why is this funny? 1618 00:46:43,187 --> 00:46:43,853 I am severely allergic to bees 1619 00:46:43,921 --> 00:46:47,691 So that fear was very real. 1620 00:46:47,758 --> 00:46:48,458 Also, getting hit in the head by 1621 00:46:48,526 --> 00:46:49,192 A blacksmith hammer hurts great 1622 00:46:49,260 --> 00:46:53,096 Deal. 1623 00:46:53,164 --> 00:46:53,997 I could have died. 1624 00:46:54,065 --> 00:46:55,899 [ laughter ] 1625 00:46:55,966 --> 00:46:57,300 My name is maureen o'hare, not 1626 00:46:57,368 --> 00:46:59,469 "bee sting fail." 1627 00:46:59,537 --> 00:47:01,237 [ laughter ] 1628 00:47:01,305 --> 00:47:05,975 I didn't ask for this. 1629 00:47:06,043 --> 00:47:06,609 >> you are a brave woman. 1630 00:47:06,677 --> 00:47:07,343 And there is nothing funny about 1631 00:47:07,411 --> 00:47:08,078 That, isn't that right, pierre? 1632 00:47:08,145 --> 00:47:10,080 [ light laughter ] 1633 00:47:10,147 --> 00:47:15,185 >> nothing funny at all. 1634 00:47:15,252 --> 00:47:16,219 If you own a computer that's 1635 00:47:16,287 --> 00:47:17,053 Connected to the internet, you 1636 00:47:17,121 --> 00:47:19,889 Probably know my next guest. 1637 00:47:19,957 --> 00:47:21,458 Please welcome mark sharon. 1638 00:47:21,525 --> 00:47:26,696 ♪ 1639 00:47:26,764 --> 00:47:27,363 >> mark. 1640 00:47:27,431 --> 00:47:30,100 Please, tell us your story. 1641 00:47:30,167 --> 00:47:31,835 >> yeah, uh -- 1642 00:47:31,902 --> 00:47:33,269 I was an absent father. 1643 00:47:33,337 --> 00:47:35,605 Not something I'm proud of. 1644 00:47:35,673 --> 00:47:38,541 I was emotionally vacant. 1645 00:47:38,609 --> 00:47:39,275 My father told me boys don't cry 1646 00:47:39,343 --> 00:47:42,512 And I believed him. 1647 00:47:42,580 --> 00:47:43,580 Recently I agreed to appear on a 1648 00:47:43,647 --> 00:47:44,214 Reality show where I was 1649 00:47:44,281 --> 00:47:50,220 Reconnected with my son. 1650 00:47:50,287 --> 00:47:54,023 Just roll the clip. 1651 00:47:54,091 --> 00:47:56,626 >> because I know deep down in 1652 00:47:56,694 --> 00:47:59,929 My heart, I still love you. 1653 00:47:59,997 --> 00:48:06,136 [ light laughter ] 1654 00:48:06,203 --> 00:48:08,872 >> nooo! 1655 00:48:08,939 --> 00:48:22,786 [ laughter ] 1656 00:48:22,853 --> 00:48:24,921 >> wow, that is terrible. 1657 00:48:24,989 --> 00:48:26,456 >> yeah, but it got worse. 1658 00:48:26,524 --> 00:48:31,361 It got auto-tuned. 1659 00:48:31,428 --> 00:48:32,095 >> to the serious cam. 1660 00:48:32,163 --> 00:48:38,668 [ auto-tuned ] 1661 00:48:38,736 --> 00:48:39,102 >> nooo! 1662 00:48:39,170 --> 00:48:39,569 >> I'm serious. 1663 00:48:39,637 --> 00:48:40,069 Why? 1664 00:48:40,137 --> 00:48:40,436 Auto-tune? 1665 00:48:40,504 --> 00:48:40,837 [ laughter ] 1666 00:48:40,905 --> 00:48:41,471 >> it was truly the most 1667 00:48:41,539 --> 00:48:42,238 Profound moment of my life. 1668 00:48:42,306 --> 00:48:42,939 It was the first time my son 1669 00:48:43,007 --> 00:48:44,541 Told me he loved me. 1670 00:48:44,608 --> 00:48:45,408 [ auto-tuned ] 1671 00:48:45,476 --> 00:48:45,775 >> nooo! 1672 00:48:45,843 --> 00:48:48,144 >> now it's a ringtone! 1673 00:48:48,212 --> 00:48:48,945 A funny thing to play at office 1674 00:48:49,013 --> 00:48:49,913 Parties. 1675 00:48:49,980 --> 00:48:52,415 This video has 20 million views. 1676 00:48:52,483 --> 00:48:53,149 That's over 20 million people 1677 00:48:53,217 --> 00:48:55,518 Who have laughed at my pain. 1678 00:48:55,586 --> 00:48:58,621 [ auto-tuned ] 1679 00:48:58,689 --> 00:48:58,988 >> nooo! 1680 00:48:59,056 --> 00:48:59,422 [ laughter ] 1681 00:48:59,490 --> 00:49:00,089 My name is mark sharon, not 1682 00:49:00,157 --> 00:49:02,725 "best cry ever." 1683 00:49:02,793 --> 00:49:03,326 I did not ask for this. 1684 00:49:03,394 --> 00:49:10,099 [ laughter ] 1685 00:49:10,167 --> 00:49:10,600 Wait a minute. 1686 00:49:10,668 --> 00:49:12,135 Are you laughing? 1687 00:49:12,203 --> 00:49:12,836 >> no, no, no, of course not. 1688 00:49:12,903 --> 00:49:16,606 >> is this funny to you? 1689 00:49:16,674 --> 00:49:17,273 >> kind of a weird cry, man. 1690 00:49:17,341 --> 00:49:18,474 [ laughter ] 1691 00:49:18,542 --> 00:49:23,746 [ crying ] 1692 00:49:23,814 --> 00:49:34,057 [ laughter ] 1693 00:49:34,124 --> 00:49:34,791 >> well, that's our show. 1694 00:49:34,859 --> 00:49:35,592 We will see you next time on "I 1695 00:49:35,659 --> 00:49:38,995 Didn't ask for this." 1696 00:50:04,481 --> 00:50:05,748 >>> the following program is 1697 00:50:05,816 --> 00:50:07,317 Brought to you in living color 1698 00:50:07,384 --> 00:50:14,657 On nbc. 1699 00:50:14,725 --> 00:50:15,358 >> we now return to "highway 1700 00:50:15,426 --> 00:50:20,296 Cops." 1701 00:50:20,364 --> 00:50:21,431 ♪ 1702 00:50:21,498 --> 00:50:22,198 >> all right, I pull up next to 1703 00:50:22,266 --> 00:50:22,966 Her on my bike and I told her to 1704 00:50:23,033 --> 00:50:23,600 Pull over. 1705 00:50:23,667 --> 00:50:24,367 >> well, did she? 1706 00:50:24,435 --> 00:50:28,304 >> no, she just kept going. 1707 00:50:28,372 --> 00:50:29,072 So, wow, she just didn't pull 1708 00:50:29,139 --> 00:50:29,772 Over. 1709 00:50:29,840 --> 00:50:31,474 >> no. 1710 00:50:31,542 --> 00:50:32,175 >> cutter you always tell the 1711 00:50:32,243 --> 00:50:32,675 Best stories. 1712 00:50:32,743 --> 00:50:34,277 [ phone ringing ] 1713 00:50:34,345 --> 00:50:36,813 Hello, uh-huh, what do we got? 1714 00:50:36,881 --> 00:50:37,380 Where? 1715 00:50:37,448 --> 00:50:38,915 That serious? 1716 00:50:38,983 --> 00:50:41,651 Okay, we're on it. 1717 00:50:41,719 --> 00:50:42,385 Randy, there is a bank robbery 1718 00:50:42,453 --> 00:50:43,086 In progress on elm and 14th 1719 00:50:43,153 --> 00:50:43,686 Street. 1720 00:50:43,787 --> 00:50:44,554 >> all right, let's go. 1721 00:50:44,622 --> 00:50:45,288 >> damn it, my bike is on the 1722 00:50:45,356 --> 00:50:45,588 Shop. 1723 00:50:45,656 --> 00:50:46,322 >> you can ride with me. 1724 00:50:46,390 --> 00:50:47,023 >> hey, get out of here, you 1725 00:50:47,091 --> 00:50:47,390 Guys! 1726 00:50:47,458 --> 00:50:48,391 You're wasting precious time! 1727 00:50:48,459 --> 00:50:49,125 I need you there five minutes 1728 00:50:49,193 --> 00:50:49,525 Ago! 1729 00:50:49,593 --> 00:50:50,927 Go! 1730 00:50:50,995 --> 00:50:52,495 Crystal, baby, I miss you so 1731 00:50:52,563 --> 00:51:00,303 Much. 1732 00:51:00,371 --> 00:51:01,070 Why did you have to die when 1733 00:51:01,138 --> 00:51:01,938 Your heart stopped? 1734 00:51:02,006 --> 00:51:08,811 Damn, damn, damn. 1735 00:51:08,879 --> 00:51:09,479 >> hey, do you remember the 1736 00:51:09,546 --> 00:51:09,812 Address? 1737 00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:10,880 >> what? 1738 00:51:10,948 --> 00:51:11,581 >> oh yeah, it was -- 1739 00:51:11,649 --> 00:51:13,650 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1740 00:51:13,717 --> 00:51:14,784 Almost fell off there. 1741 00:51:14,852 --> 00:51:15,518 >> hey, why don't you hold on to 1742 00:51:15,586 --> 00:51:19,022 My waist. 1743 00:51:19,089 --> 00:51:19,555 Is that better? 1744 00:51:19,623 --> 00:51:20,023 >> oh, yeah. 1745 00:51:20,090 --> 00:51:21,591 Much better. 1746 00:51:21,659 --> 00:51:21,991 >> yeah. 1747 00:51:22,059 --> 00:51:22,692 >> hey, look, the leaves are 1748 00:51:22,760 --> 00:51:24,427 Changing. 1749 00:51:24,495 --> 00:51:26,663 >> where? 1750 00:51:26,730 --> 00:51:27,697 >> this is fun as hell. 1751 00:51:27,798 --> 00:51:28,398 >> what? 1752 00:51:28,465 --> 00:51:30,266 I didn't hear you! 1753 00:51:30,334 --> 00:51:30,967 >> I said I'm having a great 1754 00:51:31,035 --> 00:51:31,501 Time. 1755 00:51:31,568 --> 00:51:33,136 >> yeah, me too, buddy. 1756 00:51:33,203 --> 00:51:33,903 You know, we got the best job in 1757 00:51:33,971 --> 00:51:41,210 The world. 1758 00:51:41,278 --> 00:51:41,945 >> mcdoogan, thanks for coming 1759 00:51:42,012 --> 00:51:43,179 Through for me. 1760 00:51:43,247 --> 00:51:44,547 >> you got it, chief. 1761 00:51:44,615 --> 00:51:45,214 >> thanks for thanking us, 1762 00:51:45,282 --> 00:51:46,049 Chief. 1763 00:51:46,116 --> 00:51:46,749 >> hey, be careful out there. 1764 00:51:46,817 --> 00:51:52,355 Hey, where have you been? 1765 00:51:52,423 --> 00:51:53,156 The bank said you never showed 1766 00:51:53,223 --> 00:51:54,691 Up. 1767 00:51:54,758 --> 00:51:55,291 >> oh, man, the bank. 1768 00:51:55,359 --> 00:51:56,092 >> that's what it was. 1769 00:51:56,160 --> 00:51:56,793 Remember, I told you we were 1770 00:51:56,860 --> 00:51:57,593 Forgetting something? 1771 00:51:57,661 --> 00:51:58,227 >> yep. 1772 00:51:58,295 --> 00:51:59,729 >> you two are making the gray 1773 00:51:59,797 --> 00:52:00,396 Spot in my fro get bigger. 1774 00:52:00,464 --> 00:52:03,533 You gotta focus. 1775 00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:04,300 By the way, randy, your bike is 1776 00:52:04,368 --> 00:52:07,036 Out of the shop. 1777 00:52:07,104 --> 00:52:08,171 [ phone ringing ] 1778 00:52:08,238 --> 00:52:08,905 Hello, uh huh, where, we're on 1779 00:52:08,973 --> 00:52:13,009 The way. 1780 00:52:13,077 --> 00:52:13,743 There was a drug bust on park 1781 00:52:13,811 --> 00:52:14,210 And woodlawn. 1782 00:52:14,278 --> 00:52:14,777 There's a standoff. 1783 00:52:14,845 --> 00:52:15,378 They need back up. 1784 00:52:15,446 --> 00:52:15,945 >> you got it, chief. 1785 00:52:16,013 --> 00:52:20,783 We're on it. 1786 00:52:20,851 --> 00:52:21,551 >> crystal, baby, I want to get 1787 00:52:21,618 --> 00:52:23,486 Back in the dating pool. 1788 00:52:23,554 --> 00:52:24,587 I met someone. 1789 00:52:24,655 --> 00:52:26,155 She's not you. 1790 00:52:26,223 --> 00:52:26,889 She ranks lower than you in most 1791 00:52:26,957 --> 00:52:27,924 Areas. 1792 00:52:27,992 --> 00:52:28,791 But higher in two very crucial 1793 00:52:28,859 --> 00:52:31,027 Areas. 1794 00:52:31,095 --> 00:52:31,594 Her butt. 1795 00:52:31,662 --> 00:52:32,662 And she's alive. 1796 00:52:32,730 --> 00:52:39,002 [ laughter ] 1797 00:52:39,069 --> 00:52:40,336 >> hey, what's that smell? 1798 00:52:40,404 --> 00:52:41,237 >> what smell? 1799 00:52:41,305 --> 00:52:43,406 >> that smell in the air. 1800 00:52:43,474 --> 00:52:44,173 >> oh, it's crisp, right? 1801 00:52:44,241 --> 00:52:44,841 >> yeah. 1802 00:52:44,908 --> 00:52:45,908 And leaves. 1803 00:52:45,976 --> 00:52:46,743 >> hey, look! 1804 00:52:46,810 --> 00:52:48,711 What is that? 1805 00:52:48,779 --> 00:52:49,712 It's an old barn. 1806 00:52:49,780 --> 00:52:52,148 >> I love this! 1807 00:52:52,216 --> 00:52:52,882 Hey, let's see what this bad boy 1808 00:52:52,950 --> 00:52:54,117 Can do! 1809 00:52:54,184 --> 00:52:57,453 >> whew! 1810 00:52:57,521 --> 00:52:58,955 >> you're wild! 1811 00:52:59,023 --> 00:53:00,857 >> oh. 1812 00:53:00,924 --> 00:53:03,059 I feel like yelling out loud. 1813 00:53:03,127 --> 00:53:03,926 >> then do it, man. 1814 00:53:03,994 --> 00:53:04,827 >> oh, I couldn't. 1815 00:53:04,895 --> 00:53:07,030 >> do it! 1816 00:53:07,097 --> 00:53:08,431 >> yahoo! 1817 00:53:08,499 --> 00:53:13,636 Whew! 1818 00:53:13,704 --> 00:53:14,003 >> yeah. 1819 00:53:14,071 --> 00:53:15,071 So dinner on Thursday? 1820 00:53:15,139 --> 00:53:15,905 Okay, great. 1821 00:53:15,973 --> 00:53:16,639 Well, I don't want to say that 1822 00:53:16,707 --> 00:53:18,708 Yet. 1823 00:53:18,776 --> 00:53:19,442 Well, whether I feel it or not, 1824 00:53:19,510 --> 00:53:20,243 Crystal is still in the picture. 1825 00:53:20,310 --> 00:53:20,977 I just the want to move a little 1826 00:53:21,045 --> 00:53:23,079 More slowly. 1827 00:53:23,147 --> 00:53:23,780 Okay, you know, I got to call 1828 00:53:23,847 --> 00:53:24,147 You back. 1829 00:53:24,214 --> 00:53:27,150 Where were you? 1830 00:53:27,217 --> 00:53:27,884 >> picked some apples from an 1831 00:53:27,951 --> 00:53:28,384 Orchard for you. 1832 00:53:28,452 --> 00:53:29,118 >> chief, have you been outside 1833 00:53:29,186 --> 00:53:30,420 Today? 1834 00:53:30,487 --> 00:53:31,154 >> you guys didn't back up the 1835 00:53:31,221 --> 00:53:31,721 Drug bust team? 1836 00:53:31,789 --> 00:53:35,725 What happened? 1837 00:53:35,793 --> 00:53:36,459 >> chief, I'm going to be dead 1838 00:53:36,527 --> 00:53:36,959 Honest with you. 1839 00:53:37,027 --> 00:53:37,727 I'm drawing a complete blank as 1840 00:53:37,795 --> 00:53:38,428 To what you're talking about 1841 00:53:38,495 --> 00:53:38,828 Right here. 1842 00:53:38,896 --> 00:53:39,429 [ phone ringing ] 1843 00:53:39,496 --> 00:53:40,196 >> the diameter of the gray spot 1844 00:53:40,264 --> 00:53:47,603 In my fro just doubled. 1845 00:53:47,671 --> 00:53:48,071 >> hmmm. 1846 00:53:48,138 --> 00:53:48,604 [ phone ringing ] 1847 00:53:48,672 --> 00:53:50,273 >> yes, hello, uh-huh, okay 1848 00:53:50,340 --> 00:53:52,408 Thank you. 1849 00:53:52,476 --> 00:53:53,176 Well, I guess this is your lucky 1850 00:53:53,243 --> 00:53:55,211 Day. 1851 00:53:55,279 --> 00:53:58,214 Part of the gang was just 1852 00:53:58,282 --> 00:53:58,948 Spotted at a gas station three 1853 00:53:59,016 --> 00:53:59,682 Miles from here on highway 10. 1854 00:53:59,750 --> 00:54:00,316 You think you can redeem 1855 00:54:00,384 --> 00:54:00,716 Yourselves? 1856 00:54:00,784 --> 00:54:01,384 >> yeah, you got it, chief! 1857 00:54:01,452 --> 00:54:02,085 >> boy, randy, you know your 1858 00:54:02,152 --> 00:54:03,786 Bike is fixed, right? 1859 00:54:03,854 --> 00:54:05,288 >> yeah, yeah, yeah. 1860 00:54:05,355 --> 00:54:06,022 >> because they called and said 1861 00:54:06,090 --> 00:54:07,423 It's been fixed for a while. 1862 00:54:07,491 --> 00:54:07,924 >> thanks, chief. 1863 00:54:07,991 --> 00:54:08,524 >> come on, let's roll! 1864 00:54:08,592 --> 00:54:13,830 >> I'm sorry, crystal. 1865 00:54:13,897 --> 00:54:14,864 I've got to do this for me. 1866 00:54:14,932 --> 00:54:20,837 Crystal, meet veronica. 1867 00:54:20,904 --> 00:54:21,737 >> I will take good care of your 1868 00:54:21,805 --> 00:54:22,405 Man. 1869 00:54:22,473 --> 00:54:23,139 >> well, I'm not alive anymore, 1870 00:54:23,207 --> 00:54:30,379 So please do that. 1871 00:54:30,447 --> 00:54:31,047 >> hey, you see that river? 1872 00:54:31,115 --> 00:54:33,015 This is crazy. 1873 00:54:33,083 --> 00:54:33,716 I have to bring my wife out 1874 00:54:33,784 --> 00:54:34,550 Here. 1875 00:54:34,618 --> 00:54:35,084 >> me too! 1876 00:54:35,152 --> 00:54:37,386 Me too. 1877 00:54:37,454 --> 00:54:38,154 >> hey, you know what I want to 1878 00:54:38,222 --> 00:54:38,588 Do right now? 1879 00:54:38,655 --> 00:54:40,756 >> I think so. 1880 00:54:40,824 --> 00:54:41,190 [ laughter ] 1881 00:54:41,258 --> 00:54:52,568 [ cheers and applause ] 1882 00:54:52,636 --> 00:54:53,302 >> oh, that felt good as hell! 1883 00:54:53,370 --> 00:54:55,104 I love this. 1884 00:54:55,172 --> 00:54:55,872 Oh, I can't wait to tell my wife 1885 00:54:55,939 --> 00:54:56,772 About our kiss. 1886 00:54:56,840 --> 00:54:59,375 >> hey, what's that? 1887 00:54:59,443 --> 00:55:00,076 >> why, it looks like an old 1888 00:55:00,144 --> 00:55:02,378 Mill. 1889 00:55:02,446 --> 00:55:02,945 >> let's check it out. 1890 00:55:03,013 --> 00:55:03,346 [ laughter ] 1891 00:55:03,413 --> 00:55:03,946 [ cheers and applause ] 1892 00:55:35,202 --> 00:55:35,868 >>> ladies and gentlemen, our 1893 00:55:35,936 --> 00:55:38,738 Favorites, darlique and barney. 1894 00:55:38,805 --> 00:55:42,375 [ applause ] 1895 00:55:42,442 --> 00:55:42,975 Oh, boy. 1896 00:55:43,043 --> 00:55:43,442 >> who are you? 1897 00:55:43,510 --> 00:55:43,943 >> who are you? 1898 00:55:44,011 --> 00:55:44,544 >> goodness gracious. 1899 00:55:44,611 --> 00:55:45,077 >> all these people. 1900 00:55:45,145 --> 00:55:45,745 You're going to sit on that 1901 00:55:45,812 --> 00:55:46,913 Stool right there. 1902 00:55:46,980 --> 00:55:47,647 >> of course I'm gonna sit here, 1903 00:55:47,714 --> 00:55:48,314 Where else am I gonna sit? 1904 00:55:48,382 --> 00:55:49,081 >> I don't know, I'm just trying 1905 00:55:49,149 --> 00:55:49,715 To help you. 1906 00:55:49,783 --> 00:55:50,449 >> you're controlling me, is 1907 00:55:50,517 --> 00:55:51,450 What your doing. 1908 00:55:51,518 --> 00:55:52,852 You're controlling. 1909 00:55:52,920 --> 00:55:53,619 >> the only control I have are 1910 00:55:53,687 --> 00:55:56,656 My control top pantyhose. 1911 00:55:56,723 --> 00:55:57,390 Ladies and gentlemen, that was a 1912 00:55:57,457 --> 00:55:58,324 Joke, and this is a fake fight. 1913 00:55:58,392 --> 00:56:01,661 ♪ 1914 00:56:01,728 --> 00:56:02,395 >> we like to start all of our 1915 00:56:02,462 --> 00:56:04,263 Shows with a fake fight. 1916 00:56:04,331 --> 00:56:04,997 >> yes, I find it grabs people's 1917 00:56:05,065 --> 00:56:05,898 Attention. 1918 00:56:05,966 --> 00:56:06,632 >> and it has a performance to 1919 00:56:06,700 --> 00:56:07,266 It. 1920 00:56:07,334 --> 00:56:07,967 >> okay, you don't know what 1921 00:56:08,035 --> 00:56:08,534 You're talking about. 1922 00:56:08,602 --> 00:56:09,635 >> well, I don't know. 1923 00:56:09,703 --> 00:56:10,469 >> now, that fight was real. 1924 00:56:10,537 --> 00:56:14,106 >> or was it? 1925 00:56:14,174 --> 00:56:14,907 >> once again, ladies and 1926 00:56:14,975 --> 00:56:15,608 Gentlemen, we just had a fake 1927 00:56:15,676 --> 00:56:15,975 Argument. 1928 00:56:16,043 --> 00:56:16,809 >> or was it. 1929 00:56:16,877 --> 00:56:18,244 >> okay, that's done. 1930 00:56:18,312 --> 00:56:19,879 My name is darlique lejeune. 1931 00:56:19,947 --> 00:56:22,248 >> and I'm mr. Barney fott, 1932 00:56:22,316 --> 00:56:26,052 That's f-o-t-t. 1933 00:56:26,119 --> 00:56:26,786 Look at you with your martini 1934 00:56:26,853 --> 00:56:27,920 And your tiny straw. 1935 00:56:27,988 --> 00:56:29,655 >> what, look at your girly 1936 00:56:29,723 --> 00:56:30,389 Drink with the umbrella, what 1937 00:56:30,457 --> 00:56:31,090 Are you afraid your drink is 1938 00:56:31,158 --> 00:56:31,691 Going to get rained on? 1939 00:56:31,758 --> 00:56:35,428 [ laughter ] 1940 00:56:35,495 --> 00:56:36,729 That was a joke. 1941 00:56:36,797 --> 00:56:37,496 >> or was it? 1942 00:56:37,564 --> 00:56:37,964 [ laughter ] 1943 00:56:38,031 --> 00:56:38,397 >> all right. 1944 00:56:38,465 --> 00:56:39,098 Welcome to the rose quartz 1945 00:56:39,166 --> 00:56:39,565 Crystal room. 1946 00:56:39,633 --> 00:56:41,100 Let's hit it. 1947 00:56:41,168 --> 00:56:42,234 ♪ 1948 00:56:42,302 --> 00:56:45,838 ♪ 1949 00:56:45,906 --> 00:56:47,640 ♪ kit kat bar ♪ 1950 00:56:47,708 --> 00:56:49,942 [ laughter ] 1951 00:56:50,010 --> 00:56:50,676 >> that song is a hint for my 1952 00:56:50,744 --> 00:56:51,377 Husband to buy me a "kit kat 1953 00:56:51,445 --> 00:56:51,677 Bar." 1954 00:56:51,745 --> 00:56:54,647 [ laughter ] 1955 00:56:54,715 --> 00:56:55,414 >> there are so many hilarious 1956 00:56:55,482 --> 00:56:56,182 Things that are going to happen 1957 00:56:56,249 --> 00:56:56,549 Tonight. 1958 00:56:56,617 --> 00:56:57,149 Just wait. 1959 00:56:57,217 --> 00:56:59,585 >> and singing. 1960 00:56:59,653 --> 00:57:00,753 Two, three, go. 1961 00:57:00,821 --> 00:57:04,557 ♪ 1962 00:57:04,625 --> 00:57:05,257 ♪ I saw a bunny eating ice 1963 00:57:05,325 --> 00:57:06,225 Cream ♪ 1964 00:57:06,293 --> 00:57:06,959 ♪ his mouth got cold and he 1965 00:57:07,027 --> 00:57:09,662 Hopped away ♪ 1966 00:57:09,730 --> 00:57:10,830 ♪ hippity hoppity ♪ 1967 00:57:10,897 --> 00:57:11,664 ♪ drippity droppity ♪ 1968 00:57:11,732 --> 00:57:15,167 ♪ bippity boppity ♪ 1969 00:57:15,235 --> 00:57:15,901 ♪ his mouth got cold and he 1970 00:57:15,969 --> 00:57:20,439 Hopped away ♪ 1971 00:57:20,507 --> 00:57:21,340 >> that happened. 1972 00:57:21,408 --> 00:57:23,542 >> or did it? 1973 00:57:23,610 --> 00:57:24,243 [ laughter ] 1974 00:57:24,311 --> 00:57:29,081 >> all right. 1975 00:57:29,149 --> 00:57:30,416 Let me get serious for a second. 1976 00:57:30,484 --> 00:57:31,283 Two men walked into a bar. 1977 00:57:31,351 --> 00:57:32,051 >> oh-oh, this is what I meant. 1978 00:57:32,119 --> 00:57:32,818 >> they walk up to the bartender 1979 00:57:32,886 --> 00:57:33,653 And say, "two beers, please." 1980 00:57:33,720 --> 00:57:34,387 And the the bartender says "two 1981 00:57:34,454 --> 00:57:36,489 Apiece or two total?" 1982 00:57:36,556 --> 00:57:37,223 And the guy says, "fine, we're 1983 00:57:37,290 --> 00:57:37,857 Leaving then." 1984 00:57:37,924 --> 00:57:38,424 ♪ 1985 00:57:38,492 --> 00:57:38,924 That's not a joke. 1986 00:57:38,992 --> 00:57:39,692 That's what happened on the way 1987 00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:40,359 Over here, right over there. 1988 00:57:40,427 --> 00:57:43,663 >> don't embarrass me. 1989 00:57:43,730 --> 00:57:44,330 >> why do you try to do new 1990 00:57:44,398 --> 00:57:44,764 Material? 1991 00:57:44,831 --> 00:57:45,765 Just tell your chicken joke. 1992 00:57:45,832 --> 00:57:46,465 >> I don't know what you're 1993 00:57:46,533 --> 00:57:47,166 Talking about but I'm getting 1994 00:57:47,234 --> 00:57:47,667 Really angry. 1995 00:57:47,734 --> 00:57:48,300 >> the chicken at the aa 1996 00:57:48,368 --> 00:57:50,603 Meeting. 1997 00:57:50,671 --> 00:57:51,337 >> okay, the chicken joke thing 1998 00:57:51,405 --> 00:57:51,937 Is bothering me. 1999 00:57:52,005 --> 00:57:52,638 I don't know what's going on 2000 00:57:52,706 --> 00:57:53,172 With you. 2001 00:57:53,240 --> 00:57:54,373 >> I'm upset is what. 2002 00:57:54,441 --> 00:57:55,074 I wanna kick you with my feet 2003 00:57:55,142 --> 00:57:55,474 Right now. 2004 00:57:55,542 --> 00:57:57,710 You know the joke! 2005 00:57:57,778 --> 00:57:58,544 >> you're crazy! 2006 00:57:58,612 --> 00:58:00,479 >> move on! 2007 00:58:00,547 --> 00:58:02,348 >> yes, we should. 2008 00:58:02,416 --> 00:58:04,617 Thank you tobias. 2009 00:58:04,685 --> 00:58:05,651 >> and where's my onion rings? 2010 00:58:05,719 --> 00:58:06,385 >> you know we're not in charge 2011 00:58:06,453 --> 00:58:06,719 Of that. 2012 00:58:06,787 --> 00:58:08,854 >> or, are we? 2013 00:58:08,922 --> 00:58:09,488 ♪ 2014 00:58:09,556 --> 00:58:13,092 [ laughter ] 2015 00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:13,826 >> the tiny straw is making me 2016 00:58:13,894 --> 00:58:14,326 Hate you. 2017 00:58:14,394 --> 00:58:17,496 [ laughter ] 2018 00:58:17,564 --> 00:58:18,030 >> or does it? 2019 00:58:18,098 --> 00:58:18,531 ♪ 2020 00:58:18,598 --> 00:58:19,699 [ laughter ] 2021 00:58:19,766 --> 00:58:20,066 >> okay. 2022 00:58:20,133 --> 00:58:20,833 Can we sing rainbows and smiles 2023 00:58:20,901 --> 00:58:21,400 Please? 2024 00:58:21,468 --> 00:58:22,301 >> just the chorus! 2025 00:58:22,369 --> 00:58:23,135 >> what? 2026 00:58:23,203 --> 00:58:24,603 >>fake argument. 2027 00:58:24,671 --> 00:58:25,805 >> or was it? 2028 00:58:25,872 --> 00:58:27,339 >> it wasn't, was it? 2029 00:58:27,407 --> 00:58:32,044 >> five, six, seven, o. 2030 00:58:32,112 --> 00:58:33,612 ♪ a rainbow is a multicolored 2031 00:58:33,680 --> 00:58:34,380 Smile from the sky that's upside 2032 00:58:34,448 --> 00:58:38,784 Down ♪ 2033 00:58:38,852 --> 00:58:39,552 ♪ unless you look through your 2034 00:58:39,619 --> 00:58:42,321 Legs upside down at it ♪ 2035 00:58:42,389 --> 00:58:44,790 ♪ rainbows and smiles ♪ 2036 00:58:44,858 --> 00:58:45,458 >> yeah! 2037 00:58:45,525 --> 00:58:48,761 >> no! 2038 00:58:48,829 --> 00:58:49,729 [ laughter ] 2039 00:58:49,796 --> 00:58:50,296 >> what are you doing? 2040 00:58:50,363 --> 00:58:50,896 >> I said no at the end. 2041 00:58:50,964 --> 00:58:51,630 >> who says no at the end of a 2042 00:58:51,698 --> 00:58:51,931 Song? 2043 00:58:51,998 --> 00:58:52,732 >> I hate that song and you know 2044 00:58:52,799 --> 00:58:53,399 It. 2045 00:58:53,467 --> 00:58:54,133 You asked me to play it because 2046 00:58:54,201 --> 00:58:54,867 You're angry with me about the 2047 00:58:54,935 --> 00:58:55,334 Chicken joke. 2048 00:58:55,402 --> 00:58:56,102 >> you've got issues in the 2049 00:58:56,169 --> 00:58:56,802 Tissues, my friend. 2050 00:58:56,870 --> 00:58:57,536 >> what does that mean? 2051 00:58:57,604 --> 00:58:58,237 You always say that. 2052 00:58:58,305 --> 00:59:01,107 >> fake argument. 2053 00:59:01,174 --> 00:59:01,874 We are really pulling legs left 2054 00:59:01,942 --> 00:59:02,374 And right. 2055 00:59:02,442 --> 00:59:02,808 [ laughter ] 2056 00:59:02,876 --> 00:59:04,243 >> or are we? 2057 00:59:04,311 --> 00:59:04,877 I'm really angry, though. 2058 00:59:04,945 --> 00:59:05,511 >> okay. 2059 00:59:05,579 --> 00:59:06,278 I'm going to poison you so badly 2060 00:59:06,346 --> 00:59:07,513 Right now. 2061 00:59:07,581 --> 00:59:08,247 >> you're going to be charged 2062 00:59:08,315 --> 00:59:09,014 With my murder if I die, because 2063 00:59:09,082 --> 00:59:10,683 Everyone here heard you. 2064 00:59:10,751 --> 00:59:11,584 >> okay well I hope everyone 2065 00:59:11,651 --> 00:59:12,318 Here is having a good time, 2066 00:59:12,385 --> 00:59:12,852 Because we aren't. 2067 00:59:12,919 --> 00:59:13,352 ♪ 2068 00:59:13,420 --> 00:59:13,853 >> or aren't we? 2069 00:59:13,920 --> 00:59:17,089 [ laughter ] 2070 00:59:17,157 --> 00:59:17,857 >> fake fights bring people in 2071 00:59:17,924 --> 00:59:18,524 So they pay attention to us. 2072 00:59:18,592 --> 00:59:19,859 >> or do they? 2073 00:59:19,926 --> 00:59:20,426 >> okay, here we go. 2074 00:59:20,494 --> 00:59:20,926 Here we go. 2075 00:59:20,994 --> 00:59:21,594 Hey, crowd, do you have the 2076 00:59:21,661 --> 00:59:21,894 Time? 2077 00:59:21,962 --> 00:59:22,394 [ light laughter ] 2078 00:59:22,462 --> 00:59:28,267 >> this actually isn't a joke. 2079 00:59:28,335 --> 00:59:29,168 We have to take a roast out of 2080 00:59:29,236 --> 00:59:30,369 The freezer by 8:30. 2081 00:59:30,437 --> 00:59:31,570 So if anyone -- 2082 00:59:31,638 --> 00:59:32,938 >> it's 8:20. 2083 00:59:33,006 --> 00:59:33,572 >> what? 2084 00:59:33,640 --> 00:59:34,340 >> what are we going to have for 2085 00:59:34,407 --> 00:59:36,509 Dinner? 2086 00:59:36,576 --> 00:59:36,976 Oh, boy. 2087 00:59:37,043 --> 00:59:37,710 >> well, thanks for having us. 2088 00:59:37,778 --> 00:59:38,444 I personally have had a terrible 2089 00:59:38,512 --> 00:59:38,778 Time. 2090 00:59:38,845 --> 00:59:39,211 >> or has she? 2091 00:59:39,279 --> 00:59:40,412 ♪ 2092 00:59:40,480 --> 00:59:41,747 >> okay. 2093 00:59:41,815 --> 00:59:42,448 Oh, I know what joke you're 2094 00:59:42,516 --> 00:59:43,082 Talking about now. 2095 00:59:43,150 --> 00:59:43,749 It's not a chicken, it's a 2096 00:59:43,817 --> 00:59:44,083 Rooster. 2097 00:59:44,151 --> 00:59:44,784 >> why don't we eat roosters, 2098 00:59:44,851 --> 00:59:46,352 Anyway? 2099 00:59:46,419 --> 00:59:47,119 >> that's a very good question. 2100 00:59:47,187 --> 00:59:49,021 >> we wrote this joke together. 2101 00:59:49,089 --> 00:59:49,822 A rooster gets home from work 2102 00:59:49,890 --> 00:59:50,523 And he opens his briefcase to 2103 00:59:50,590 --> 00:59:51,257 Find there's is nothing in it. 2104 00:59:51,324 --> 00:59:53,159 Not yet. 2105 00:59:53,226 --> 00:59:54,193 So he sits on his little straw 2106 00:59:54,261 --> 00:59:55,261 Couch in his little coop and he 2107 00:59:55,328 --> 00:59:56,362 Says to himself " I don't 2108 00:59:56,429 --> 00:59:58,430 Believe I did this. 2109 00:59:58,498 --> 00:59:59,198 I cockadoole-don't believe I did 2110 00:59:59,266 --> 01:00:02,034 This." 2111 01:00:02,102 --> 01:00:02,735 >> favorite joke of all time. 2112 01:00:02,803 --> 01:00:07,139 >> or was it? 2113 01:00:07,207 --> 01:00:08,974 >> one, two, twoidly two. 2114 01:00:09,042 --> 01:00:09,441 ♪ 2115 01:00:09,509 --> 01:00:13,879 ♪ 2116 01:00:13,947 --> 01:00:16,182 ♪ that's our time ♪ 2117 01:00:16,249 --> 01:00:16,882 >> there we go, what are you 2118 01:00:16,950 --> 01:00:17,449 Doing? 2119 01:00:17,517 --> 01:00:18,050 Oh, you got the hint. 2120 01:00:18,118 --> 01:00:19,385 >> or did I? 2121 01:00:19,452 --> 01:00:20,052 >> oh, he didn't. 2122 01:00:20,120 --> 01:00:20,619 Fake wrapper. 2123 01:00:20,687 --> 01:00:23,689 It's just a wrapper. 2124 01:00:23,757 --> 01:00:26,892 Oh, fake drinks. 2125 01:00:26,960 --> 01:00:27,593 Look at these, not even real. 2126 01:00:27,661 --> 01:00:28,194 [ cheers and applause ] 2127 01:00:34,149 --> 01:00:34,882 >>> once again, rihanna. 2128 01:00:34,950 --> 01:00:39,354 ♪ 2129 01:00:39,421 --> 01:00:42,357 ♪ la, la, la la ♪ 2130 01:00:42,424 --> 01:00:46,561 ♪ la, la, la la ♪ 2131 01:00:46,629 --> 01:00:49,797 ♪ la, la, la la ♪ 2132 01:00:49,865 --> 01:00:52,734 ♪ la, la, la la ♪ 2133 01:00:52,801 --> 01:00:55,603 ♪ I want you to love me 2134 01:00:55,671 --> 01:01:03,578 Like I'm a hot ride ♪ 2135 01:01:03,646 --> 01:01:04,379 ♪ keep thinking of me doing what 2136 01:01:04,446 --> 01:01:08,349 You like ♪ 2137 01:01:08,417 --> 01:01:09,584 ♪ so boy forget about the world 2138 01:01:09,652 --> 01:01:10,885 'cuz it's going to be 2139 01:01:10,953 --> 01:01:22,830 Me and you tonight ♪ 2140 01:01:22,898 --> 01:01:23,631 ♪ I wanna make your bed for ya 2141 01:01:23,699 --> 01:01:24,365 Then I'm make you swallow your 2142 01:01:24,433 --> 01:01:24,732 Pride ♪ 2143 01:01:24,800 --> 01:01:25,500 ♪ want you to make me feel like 2144 01:01:25,567 --> 01:01:29,737 I'm the only girl in the world ♪ 2145 01:01:29,805 --> 01:01:30,505 ♪ like I'm the only one that 2146 01:01:30,572 --> 01:01:32,340 You'll ever love 2147 01:01:32,408 --> 01:01:33,241 Like I'm the only one who knows 2148 01:01:33,309 --> 01:01:36,444 Your heart ♪ 2149 01:01:36,512 --> 01:01:39,781 ♪ only girl in the world ♪ 2150 01:01:39,848 --> 01:01:40,548 ♪ like I'm the only one that's 2151 01:01:40,616 --> 01:01:43,718 In command ♪ 2152 01:01:43,786 --> 01:01:47,188 ♪ 'cuz I'm the only one who 2153 01:01:47,256 --> 01:01:47,722 Understands how to 2154 01:01:47,790 --> 01:01:53,895 Make you feel like a man ♪ 2155 01:01:53,962 --> 01:01:56,197 ♪ want you to take me 2156 01:01:56,265 --> 01:02:00,735 Like a thief in the night 2157 01:02:00,803 --> 01:02:03,304 ♪ hold me like a pillow 2158 01:02:03,372 --> 01:02:08,209 Make me feel right ♪ 2159 01:02:08,277 --> 01:02:09,844 ♪ baby I'll tell you all my 2160 01:02:09,912 --> 01:02:10,545 Secrets that I'm keeping 2161 01:02:10,612 --> 01:02:16,317 You can come inside ♪ 2162 01:02:16,385 --> 01:02:17,118 ♪ and when you enter you ain't 2163 01:02:17,186 --> 01:02:17,852 Leaving be my prisoner for the 2164 01:02:17,920 --> 01:02:18,286 Night ♪ 2165 01:02:18,354 --> 01:02:23,157 ♪ whoa ♪ 2166 01:02:23,225 --> 01:02:23,958 ♪ want you to make me feel like 2167 01:02:24,026 --> 01:02:29,030 I'm the only girl in the world ♪ 2168 01:02:29,098 --> 01:02:29,764 ♪ like I'm the only one that 2169 01:02:29,832 --> 01:02:32,967 You'll ever love ♪ 2170 01:02:33,035 --> 01:02:33,701 ♪ like I'm the only one who 2171 01:02:33,769 --> 01:02:37,305 Knows your heart ♪ 2172 01:02:37,373 --> 01:02:39,207 ♪ only girl in the world ♪ 2173 01:02:39,274 --> 01:02:39,974 ♪ like I'm the only one that's 2174 01:02:40,042 --> 01:02:45,380 In command 2175 01:02:45,447 --> 01:02:46,080 'cause I'm the only one who 2176 01:02:46,148 --> 01:02:47,915 Understands ♪ 2177 01:02:47,983 --> 01:02:48,716 ♪ how to make you feel like a 2178 01:02:48,784 --> 01:02:51,886 Man ♪ 2179 01:02:51,954 --> 01:02:54,122 ♪ (only one) ♪ 2180 01:02:54,189 --> 01:02:59,026 ♪ take me for a ride ♪ 2181 01:02:59,128 --> 01:03:01,763 ♪ oh baby take me high ♪ 2182 01:03:01,830 --> 01:03:05,633 ♪ let me make you right right ♪ 2183 01:03:05,701 --> 01:03:09,404 ♪ make it last all night ♪ 2184 01:03:09,471 --> 01:03:13,307 ♪ take me for a ride ♪ 2185 01:03:13,375 --> 01:03:16,844 ♪ whoa baby take me high ♪ 2186 01:03:16,912 --> 01:03:18,980 ♪ let me let you ride ♪ 2187 01:03:19,047 --> 01:03:26,154 ♪ make it last all night ♪ 2188 01:03:26,221 --> 01:03:28,756 ♪ want you to make me feel like 2189 01:03:28,824 --> 01:03:32,493 I'm the only girl in the world ♪ 2190 01:03:32,561 --> 01:03:33,227 ♪ like I'm the only one that 2191 01:03:33,295 --> 01:03:35,863 You'll ever love ♪ 2192 01:03:35,931 --> 01:03:37,031 ♪ like I'm the only one ♪ 2193 01:03:37,099 --> 01:03:43,204 ♪ only girl in the world ♪ 2194 01:03:43,272 --> 01:03:44,005 ♪ like I'm the only one that's 2195 01:03:44,072 --> 01:03:46,407 In command ♪ 2196 01:03:46,475 --> 01:03:47,175 ♪ cause I'm the only one who 2197 01:03:47,242 --> 01:03:47,942 Understands how to make you feel 2198 01:03:48,010 --> 01:03:55,249 Like a man ♪ 2199 01:03:55,317 --> 01:04:00,021 ♪ only girl in the world ♪ 2200 01:04:00,088 --> 01:04:02,723 ♪ girl in the world ♪ 2201 01:04:02,791 --> 01:04:06,727 ♪ only girl in the world ♪ 2202 01:04:06,795 --> 01:04:09,030 ♪ girl in the world ♪ 2203 01:04:09,097 --> 01:04:12,500 [ cheers and applause ] 2204 01:04:48,573 --> 01:04:49,206 >>> that's right, everybody, 2205 01:04:49,273 --> 01:04:50,240 It's me again. 2206 01:04:50,308 --> 01:04:53,810 Dog in purse. 2207 01:04:53,878 --> 01:04:54,745 Oh, here we are at a nightclub 2208 01:04:54,812 --> 01:04:56,113 Again, shocker of the century. 2209 01:04:56,180 --> 01:04:58,115 Oh, look over there, 2210 01:04:58,182 --> 01:04:58,815 Willow smith with a bottle of 2211 01:04:58,883 --> 01:05:00,817 Patron. 2212 01:05:00,885 --> 01:05:01,852 That's great. 2213 01:05:01,919 --> 01:05:03,887 Happy 9th birthday. 2214 01:05:03,955 --> 01:05:04,688 Look at my moron owner, drinking 2215 01:05:04,756 --> 01:05:07,157 A glass of loudmouth soup, 2216 01:05:07,225 --> 01:05:08,091 Yukking it up, meanwhile, I'm 2217 01:05:08,159 --> 01:05:08,859 Stuck in her purse trying to get 2218 01:05:08,926 --> 01:05:10,994 Comfortable on a dirty 2219 01:05:11,062 --> 01:05:11,795 Hairbrush, some yaz pills, and 2220 01:05:11,863 --> 01:05:15,032 Charlie sheen's wallet. 2221 01:05:15,099 --> 01:05:15,766 This lady owns me, she doesn't 2222 01:05:15,833 --> 01:05:17,801 Even know I'm a male dog. 2223 01:05:17,869 --> 01:05:19,636 I'm clearly a dude, yet she has 2224 01:05:19,704 --> 01:05:21,238 Me wearing a feather boa and a 2225 01:05:21,305 --> 01:05:22,005 Tiara on my head like a zsa zsa 2226 01:05:22,073 --> 01:05:23,440 Gabor. 2227 01:05:23,508 --> 01:05:24,207 Hey, lady, you know you can tell 2228 01:05:24,275 --> 01:05:25,809 You're a little off track? 2229 01:05:25,877 --> 01:05:27,310 Flip me over. 2230 01:05:27,378 --> 01:05:28,078 Check out the undercarriage, all 2231 01:05:28,146 --> 01:05:30,080 All right? 2232 01:05:30,148 --> 01:05:32,616 There's a light switch honey, it 2233 01:05:32,683 --> 01:05:33,450 Goes on and off, like the one 2234 01:05:33,518 --> 01:05:34,985 That should go on and off in 2235 01:05:35,053 --> 01:05:35,752 Your head and say, hey, this dog 2236 01:05:35,820 --> 01:05:36,486 Is a dude and has been for the 2237 01:05:36,554 --> 01:05:39,990 Last three years. 2238 01:05:40,058 --> 01:05:41,758 Oh, okay, here we go. 2239 01:05:41,826 --> 01:05:42,959 There's jessica alba, wearing a 2240 01:05:43,027 --> 01:05:44,127 Mini dress, no less. 2241 01:05:44,195 --> 01:05:46,063 Nice. 2242 01:05:46,130 --> 01:05:46,797 She's so hot, she better spray 2243 01:05:46,864 --> 01:05:49,099 Her shins down with pam, stat. 2244 01:05:49,167 --> 01:05:49,766 Because I'm about to do the 2245 01:05:49,834 --> 01:05:52,069 Humpty-hump. 2246 01:05:52,136 --> 01:05:52,936 Maybe with this tiara I'm 2247 01:05:53,004 --> 01:05:54,237 Wearing and feather boa she'll 2248 01:05:54,305 --> 01:05:54,938 Get drunk and think I'm 2249 01:05:55,006 --> 01:05:56,740 Lenny kravitz and go for it. 2250 01:05:56,808 --> 01:05:57,474 All right gang, let's wrap it 2251 01:05:57,542 --> 01:05:58,375 Up. 2252 01:05:58,443 --> 01:05:58,942 Hey, we're headed to 2253 01:05:59,010 --> 01:06:01,545 Brody jenners house. 2254 01:06:01,612 --> 01:06:02,279 I heard he got a new solo flex. 2255 01:06:02,346 --> 01:06:02,712 [ applause ] 2256 01:06:18,671 --> 01:06:19,438 >>> thanks to rihanna, [ cheers 2257 01:06:19,506 --> 01:06:20,506 And applause ] 2258 01:06:20,573 --> 01:06:21,240 And you all, the best crew in 2259 01:06:21,307 --> 01:06:21,740 Television! 2260 01:06:21,808 --> 01:06:23,876 Thank you so much. 2261 01:06:23,943 --> 01:06:24,543 Thanks for coming! 2262 01:06:24,611 --> 01:06:25,043 Happy Halloween! 2263 01:06:25,111 --> 01:06:25,644 [ cheers and applause ]