I won't rest until everyone's house is filled with Grot.
I think you are fabulous.
OK, yes, that was technically proficient
but completely wrong. Why?
I adore my husband. Generally speaking.
Initial sales for your new product are amazing.
What?! Grot. It's flying off the shelves.
You're making money. Now you have to cut costs.
Catalogues wrapped in plastic and money off cancer screening.
It's a new day.
All right, I'm coming. Do you want a lift?
Yes, mentally, physically... ooh, and the breast one, please.
You seeing anyone today? No.
Bye-bye, love.
Happy birthday.
Well done.
D'you get many cards? None.
Aw! They're overrated.
Cardboard with writing on. It's lunacy.
It's cos I got sacked from my job. I'm an embarrassment.
Don't be ridiculous!
Just stay in for a couple of years, don't answer the door, you'll be fine.
Bye!
Bye.
Hello, Reggie.
Chris.
See you've got my chauffeur.
Ah, yes, I've inherited a lot of your old stuff.
A shoddily run company, a legacy of fear and loathing.
On a lighter note, what brings you to Surrey?
I want you to take me back to Groomtech as a consultant.
Why would I do that?
Cos I'm a legend. No, you're not.
OK, I'm not a legend but I'm short of money.
It's hell out there, Reggie.
What? In Acacia Avenue? I think you're being a bit harsh, Chris.
You know what, I got into my car last week, sat in the back seat.
Just sat there. Car didn't move.
That's when I realised I'd lost my job.
Not going to work for three months didn't tip you the wink, then?
I've never liked you!
I thought we were having peanut smoothie in the water cooler this week.
I had a memo from the board saying that we've got to go back to water.
And lose the jellybeans.
And the banana station.
And cut staff.
Vicky, take a pissy letter, please.
Dear faceless, life-quenching shagwumps of the board...
How are you spelling shagwumps?
The usual way.
...having created an ambience that has produced
the money-grubbing products that you crave,
I spit on your dim-witted cheese-paring.
If I'd wanted to work for Scrooge Corp, I'd have opened a Dickens theme park
complete with a treadmill, staff rickets and eight-year-old typists with sad faces.
You're warming to your theme. Yes, yes, I am.
In future, please leave the running of Groomtech to me
and I'll leave whatever it is you do, if anything, to you.
Yours in very big capital letters, Reggie Perrin.
Isn't this exciting? What?
All this!
It's like a village square in Tuscany.
Are you sure you're going to the right bit of Tuscany?
Morning, sunbeams!
Turned out nice again.
Tea? Coffee? Sticky bun? Non-sticky bun? Sticky biscuit?
No, thank you.
Oh, sod you, then!
Big boss! Steve.
Grot is bubbling into a monster. Selling well?
Crap for Men and Crap for Women fragrance range
is past mega, heading to giga.
Selling particularly well?
Is the Pope...?
Is that a yes? Ya-huh!
Is that a yes?
Don't mind if I do. All right, let's stop.
Oh!
Fell asleep during Cash In The Attic. Always happens.
Hello, David. Well, bye!
Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I suggested we have an affair.
I took advantage of a weak, vulnerable woman.
Oh, shut your face!
Oh, come on! You enjoy being with me and I'm just next door.
Well, that's all right, then, as you're local,
just pop your penis over the fence!
I'll dump my 15-year marriage in the bin.
Birthday present.
Thank you.
It's underneath the paper.
Reggie getting you anything special?
No, no. We agree there's far too much stuff in the world already.
We just buy each other something small or ecologically sound.
It's not much fun, but you can't have it both ways.
Ah! Oh! That is so lovely!
Well, I thought if I can't be next to your skin,
at least I can get you something that can be.
♪ Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday, dear... ♪
We've summoned you because it seems
you aren't taking our concerns seriously.
I'm going to have to hurry you. I have a company to run.
May I remind you, Perrin, there are two sides to the business equation -
income and outgoings.
That's fiendishly complicated. Could you run it by me again, please?
I'm telling you for the last time, you need to cut staff to reduce expenditure.
God! It's like The Apprentice with dead people.
Take that arrow out of your head.
No. All right, I will if you put on a Mr Pompous T-shirt.
I'm a reasonable man.
I'll only insist you get rid of one of your support team.
Well, I won't,
so you'll have to sack me and pay me a gazillion pounds to go,
which I urge you to do.
We've scrutinised your contract and, in fact,
failure to implement company policy
will result in summary dismissal without pay.
And, now that you've launched the highly lucrative Grot brand,
frankly, we can do without you.
But I'll tell you why we're working to cut costs and maximise profits.
Cos you're essentially rather dull?
Because we're fattening Groomtech up to sell it.
Yes,
you've made us all a lot of money.
Thank you.
You work your arse off for a company and what do you get? A salary?
Shafted.
Well, I'm going to destroy the monster I've created.
Which one? The whole Grot range.
That might be hard to do. Have you seen the incredible sales figures?
I know how to destroy what I created.
Would you like a white cat to stroke, oh evil one?
Yes, please.
You sweat away... Well, you don't cos you're a girl.
..and then they sell it up and trouser the money.
Well, I'm not going to rest, except at night and when I'm tired...
..till I've made this company worthless.
How are you going to do that? I have a plan. Or I will have.
Destroy Groomtech, you destroy everyone's job.
Oh, it'll stagger on.
You'll be OK. You've got your health, your looks, breasts like muffins.
What about Anthony and Steve?
I've never seen their breasts.
I've got to make someone from our department redundant.
Vicky? No.
I couldn't, not Vicky, she's, um...
I don't think there's a word for it, but she'd never get a job anywhere else.
Oh, let's change the subject. Have you found a boyfriend yet?
No, it's that old problem.
Nits?
The men are damaged, gay, ugly or married.
Ah! Snow White's less well-known friends.
How's your wife?
It's her birthday today, actually.
You doing anything special or fun?
No. We tried special and fun, but it didn't really work. Maybe you ought to try it again.
See you, Reggie.
Yeah.
Vicky? Yeah? Could you book me a table at the best restaurant in London, please?
Oh, that'll be the Tandoori Shack in Catford.
Not the Tandoori Shack in Catford, please.
It's happened.
I am actually physically excited to be here.
I think I'll plump for the, um...
No, I don't understand that page.
We'll have a bottle of the...
Bloody hell, that's expensive!
Um... We'll just have a bottle of expensive wine, please.
Any particular country, sir?
I think we'd like it here, wouldn't we?
Yes, in this country. Yes, here!
So why are you spoiling us, Reggie?
Um...because, er...
in a funny sort of way, I love you.
But sometimes love has to die, doesn't it?
No. Let me put it another way.
Have you ever looked at a map and thought,
"Oh, goodness me, if only I wasn't at work, I could go there."
No. No.
The thing about work, though,
do you never think, "Is this all there is?"
No!
Never, never.
All right, well, I've got to make one of you redundant.
Oh, look, liver!
This time, Mr Chairman, it is I who hold the upper hand.
Sorry, Reg?
Oh, nothing, I was just... talking to my cushion.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! 'Hello?'
Oh, hello, Chris.
Reggie Perrin, head of Groomtech,
riding in your limo, enjoying your salary. How are you?
'I'm on fire.' D'you want me to call back later when you're out?
'I've moved on from Groomtech. I've got the world at my feet.'
Pretty much the normal place for the world, Chris, but well spotted.
So you don't want a little bit of work, then?
'Yes, please! Anything! What've you got?'
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 'Did you just chuckle evilly?'
Yes, I did. You got a problem with that?
No, love it.
Good. I'll see you at Groomtech on Monday morning at 11 o'clock.
We need to go to a garden centre.
Are you talking to your cushion?
No.
I got you a birthday present.
Hah! Hurray!
There it is, love. Happy birthday.
What is it?
It's a cutting of a rose.
Couple of years, that'll be flowers right out there like that.
Meanwhile, you've bought me
some dirt with a stick sticking out of it, thank you.
Well, what's wrong with that? You loved your string of onions last year.
I did not love my string of onions last year.
Nor, now we're on the subject, was I cock-a-hoop
with the laundry basket the year before.
Why not?
It's a laundry basket. We already had one
and you had trouble getting your pants into that one too.
I thought we agreed that we weren't going to buy each other extravagant gifts.
I didn't mean it. What are you, simple?!
You gave me a jar of honey last year.
Oh! That was special honey!
How special can it be? It's bees' vomit.
I'm the girl. You're supposed to buy me, you know, better presents.
At least get me something shiny or something I can eat.
All right, I'll book us a nice birthday dinner.
Thank you.
It's a red rose.
It's a stick with dirt on it.
♪ A beautiful bunch a' ripe banana
♪ Daylight come and me wan' go home. ♪
Gah! What are you doing?
Why are you cleaning my office?
Because...it feels right?
You're just trying to impress me cos you don't want to be made redundant.
No, no, no, no! A bit. A little bit.
Morning, Mr Perrin.
27 minutes late. My budgie had a bad night.
Aw!
You can see your face in the desk, look.
Why would I want to do that?
That's a good point.
Come on, look. Don't make this any harder than it already is.
Oh! You sound like my boyfriend.
Sorry.
Can I give you a quick hoover? No, thanks.
Ah! Very Willy Wonka.
Morning, Mr Jackson.
How are ya? Forgotten the name. Ends in "icky".
Vicky.
Jasmine. Chris.
What brings you back?
Poverty and desperation, hopefully.
Reggie's asked me to head an ad campaign
for Grot Crap for Men, Crap for Women and World of Crap ranges
using my legendary charm.
Ah! He came up with a plan.
One of you two girls go and get me a coffee
and a pain au haw-hee-haw-hee-haw.
What is this? Deaf week?
Ah, we don't do that any more, Chris.
What? Fear and bullying.
Oh. Apologise, please.
Sorry, sweets, and you, toots.
And now again, less like a knob?
Sorry, woman and other woman.
And now go and get them a coffee and a pain au haw-hee-haw-hee-haw.
One day I'll be in control of this company again
and you'll live to regret that.
Oooooh!
How do you take it?
I'll have a large toffee nut latte.
Skinny cappuccino, extra shot, no chocolate, please.
Oh, go on, then. I'll have a dark cherry mocha.
Ooh! Going on a coffee...? Shut it!
Chris. Sorry, sorry.
How do you take it?
Caramel soy macchiato, extra amaretto, three shot decaffeinated.
Can I have a granola?
Ooh, can I get a brownie? And some crisps?
Bloody hell!
So you are my crack new team in charge of the Grot brand.
Sue, you're in charge of new products. Any ideas?
Ooh! Er...nothing!
Brilliant! Nothing! How shall we package it? In a box or in a tin?
Oh, no, I meant... Any other ideas?
Um...something...maybe...
Stunning!
Something!
A box with something written on it. You could charge £99 for that.
It could contain a drawing pin, contain a kipper.
It could contain a kipper studded with drawing pins, but very much something.
Well done. Any others?
No, you're creatively drained, aren't you? You have a little snooze.
Vicky, I'm putting you in charge of strategy and advertising.
Thoughts?
No.
Exciting.
Chris, with your extraordinary mind I'd like you to head up our think-tank.
Come with your own ad campaign
and good advertising these days is subtle. It's obscurely humorous.
Bullshit.
Absolutely.
Feel free, and I'm sure you will,
to create a living testimony to your uniquely crass and hateful world view.
You underestimate me, Reggie.
Oh, if only that were possible, Chris.
Right, good luck.
Steve.
These are for you, sir.
You deserve them. Take a handful.
Steve.
I know you want to keep your job,
but this... Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Relax, munch, enjoy.
Thanks very much. Off you go.
You can leave the chocolates. OK.
So that's lunch.
Would you like to order, or wait for your companion?
Yes. I'd like to order the poisoned soup
followed by chemical castration for my companion.
And I'll have...
No, don't understand that page.
The steak. How would you like it?
Bleeding.
Perhaps you could call him.
No. If he can't do this one thing for me then what is the point?
You already slightly regret that, don't you?
Yes, I do.
Oh...
All right. Good night, darling.
Not darling. Sorry, wrong word. Tired.
Oh, no!
Oh, no! Wait! Wait! Change of plan!
That was a shock.
Get me to a restaurant an hour ago.
I'm so sorry.
I've been really busy at work, you know, and...
It's fine.
How can I make it up to you?
What would you like? I'll buy you a pony. Two ponies, one for me.
No, I don't deserve a pony. A bitey dog for me and some...lice.
It's OK. It's happened.
Is it? Well, thank you for being understanding.
It's quite nice here, isn't it? Did you plump for the fish?
Hi! I'm Chris!
Now I've got your attention,
buy these products!
Grot!
Grot products are great! Available in shops now!
Grot!
And online.
Liking it, Chris.
It'll do the job.
It certainly will.
I think the objectification of women might alienate people.
Chris? Bollocks.
Thank you.
Why was the dwarf chasing the lady with the whip?
It happens, darling. Live with it.
If I did have a question, Chris, it would be,
what did you spend the production budget on?
No. It's all up there on the screen.
The little pygmy guy needed a car from Chorleywood
so...
Um...
I've been feeling a bit low.
Might have spent some of the money on a powerboat.
Vicky.
Right, um...er...the media campaign.
Rolling out across...
..the media...
..will consist of a primetime TV advert.
Ooh!
Great! And...?
That's it. I rang up this morning and bought it.
Just one ad going out once? Yes.
Well, traditionally a campaign would have a range...
No, fine! That's it! That's better, get it over with.
Hello?
Mum, I'm running a company.
I can't just, um...
Actually, don't worry. I'll be right there.
Chris Jackson. Hello?
You all right in there?
Yes. You looking forward to the wedding now?
No.
The cold fear gone.
Drinking heavily.
Well?
What d'you think? Good colour.
Black captures the mood nicely.
Well, why not? I hate pointless tradition.
It's not as though I'm a virgin.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Heard about your birthday dinner cock-up to end all cock-ups.
Or is that cocks-up?
Nicola was, er, fine about it.
Actually, she just went a bit quiet.
What?
Worst reaction of all. Have you learned nothing about women?
Simmering resentment versus hysterical caterwauling.
Put me down for HC.
Nicola's unhappy. She needs something in her life.
And if you're not careful, she'll get it.
And it'll be man-sized.
Why am I grinning? Why are you grinning?
Because our Grot advert's gone viral.
It's the most watched clip on YouTube.
Apart from the sneezing penguin.
Oh, and the baby falling in the jelly.
Jelly!
I need to make a huge romantic gesture for Nicola.
I wonder if that would do? Something special.
Take her to the Tandoori Shack in Catford.
Even more special than that.
Oh! The In And Out Burger in Deptford. It's beautiful.
Go back to your desk, Vicky.
Thank you. You're welcome. Look at this face.
Do I have to?!
I am an utter cult.
You thought Grot was big. I've just made it bigger.
What?! Get me a latte and an Eccles cake.
This is just the beginning. I'm back, baby.
And I don't even have to turn up for work every bloody day like you do.
See ya!
I need to unburden myself.
Well, the Wellness Centre is the place to come if you're feeling off-centre.
Or as my nan used to say, a bit shit.
Before they took her away.
Now, you have sacked me twice as your therapist,
but I'm not one to hold a grudge. Thank you.
Or keep a turd in my handbag, as my nan used to say...
..before they took her away, yeah.
So can you pinpoint your wobbles?
Oh, Sue.
I'm a bad person. I've worked too hard and I've neglected my wife.
Oh, you silly sausage! And at work I haven't achieved the one thing I set out to do.
Naked Tuesdays?
No. Just to make people feel good about themselves.
You know my advice to you?
What? Obviously you need to do two things.
Assert yourself at board level
and show your wife some simple humility and love.
I think you may have stumbled into some good advice there, Sue.
Oh! Shall I celebrate with a quick burst of didgeridoo?
No, no. I'd quit while you're ahead, but thank you very much.
Ooh!
Congratulations, Perrin.
You can't do any wrong, can you? I'm sure I'll think of something.
I'm not going to sack any of my staff. As you wish.
But it's out of your hands, Perrin.
We're still selling the company.
Right, well, if you'll excuse me, and even if you won't,
I have a beautiful wife to make love to.
♪ Whatever I said Whatever I did, I didn't mean it
♪ I just want you back for good
♪ I want you back, I want you back I want you back for good
♪ Whenever I'm wrong Just tell me the song
♪ And I will sing it I'll be right and underst... ♪