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00:00:00,505 --> 00:00:03,140
NARRATOR: Kids, in the
fall of 2010, it seemed like
2
00:00:03,141 --> 00:00:06,076
Aunt Lily could only talk
about one thing: babies.
3
00:00:06,077 --> 00:00:09,472
Oh, God, I have been
craving this burger all day.
4
00:00:09,507 --> 00:00:11,431
Do you know
what plays a huge role
5
00:00:11,432 --> 00:00:13,032
in helping a woman
conceive? Hmm.
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00:00:13,033 --> 00:00:14,300
Cervical mucus.
7
00:00:14,301 --> 00:00:16,602
(gagging)
8
00:00:16,603 --> 00:00:18,805
Oh, my God, I can't wait
to see this movie.
9
00:00:18,806 --> 00:00:19,972
I hear it's really scary.
10
00:00:19,973 --> 00:00:21,107
Oh, change of plans.
11
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:23,109
I thought violent
images wouldn't be good
12
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:24,344
for my future fetus,
13
00:00:24,345 --> 00:00:28,481
so instead, I rented this
video of a live water birth.
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00:00:28,482 --> 00:00:29,816
(splashing on TV)
15
00:00:29,817 --> 00:00:30,650
(screaming)
16
00:00:30,651 --> 00:00:32,485
They don't know
what it is.
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00:00:32,486 --> 00:00:34,520
It just showed up
on my mom's X-ray.
18
00:00:34,521 --> 00:00:35,855
Look at this crib.
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00:00:35,856 --> 00:00:38,391
NARRATOR: But all in
all, it wasn't a problem.
20
00:00:38,392 --> 00:00:40,910
That is, until the night
of Barney's boutonniere.
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00:00:40,911 --> 00:00:42,061
MARSHALL:
Oh, you're wearing a flower.
22
00:00:42,062 --> 00:00:43,429
Thank you.
23
00:00:43,430 --> 00:00:45,498
Ah, didn't compliment. Just
observed. BARNEY: I know.
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00:00:45,499 --> 00:00:47,367
Isn't it? Why are
you wearing that?
25
00:00:47,368 --> 00:00:48,267
Why does Barney
do anything ever?
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00:00:48,268 --> 00:00:50,770
Exactly. Science.
27
00:00:50,771 --> 00:00:52,572
There is an 83% correlation
28
00:00:52,573 --> 00:00:55,007
between the times
men wear boutonnieres
29
00:00:55,008 --> 00:00:56,776
and the times
they get laid. Hmm.
30
00:00:56,777 --> 00:00:57,710
Think about it.
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00:00:57,711 --> 00:00:59,178
Proms, weddings.
32
00:00:59,179 --> 00:01:00,279
Mm-hmm.
33
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:01,347
Grandmas' funerals.
34
00:01:01,348 --> 00:01:03,015
Thanks for
the redhead, Nana.
35
00:01:04,118 --> 00:01:06,586
The "everyday boutonniere"
by Stinson.
36
00:01:06,587 --> 00:01:07,820
And nope.
37
00:01:07,821 --> 00:01:10,022
I'm sorry, Barney, but
no girl is going home
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00:01:10,023 --> 00:01:12,191
with a guy with a
flower on his chest.
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00:01:12,192 --> 00:01:15,228
Unless he's a clown, and
she's in the trunk of his car.
40
00:01:15,229 --> 00:01:17,296
Along with 50 other clowns.
41
00:01:17,297 --> 00:01:20,133
(laughing)
42
00:01:20,134 --> 00:01:22,468
It's a clown car.
Oh.
43
00:01:22,469 --> 00:01:24,036
Robin, did you know
44
00:01:24,037 --> 00:01:27,006
that boutonniere is French
for "bootie is near?"
45
00:01:27,007 --> 00:01:28,458
Hmm.
46
00:01:28,459 --> 00:01:29,709
True story.
47
00:01:29,710 --> 00:01:31,511
Une histoire vraie.
48
00:01:31,512 --> 00:01:33,780
Hmm! Did you know
that Barney is French
49
00:01:33,781 --> 00:01:36,949
for "sad little guy who works
way too hard to get laid""
50
00:01:36,950 --> 00:01:38,251
Woman, you best
check yourself.
51
00:01:38,252 --> 00:01:39,519
Yeah, on the bright side,
52
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,888
I guess suits are pretty
boring without them, so...
53
00:01:41,889 --> 00:01:42,989
(gasps) Madam...
54
00:01:42,990 --> 00:01:45,291
that is an insult that
cannot be borne!
55
00:01:45,292 --> 00:01:47,427
I demand satisfaction!
56
00:01:47,428 --> 00:01:49,195
What, are we gonna duel?
57
00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:52,165
No. I'm going to show everyone
this embarrassing video of you.
58
00:01:52,166 --> 00:01:54,867
It's Robin Sparkles III, y'all!
59
00:01:54,868 --> 00:01:56,969
(all screaming and yelling)
60
00:01:58,695 --> 00:02:01,475
Transcript by Addic7ed.com
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00:02:10,533 --> 00:02:12,217
NARRATOR:
Kids, by this point, we knew
62
00:02:12,218 --> 00:02:13,819
Aunt Robin had been a teen pop
sensation
63
00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:15,888
in Canada,
known as Robin Sparkles.
64
00:02:15,889 --> 00:02:18,423
And we also knew that
her Robin Sparkles character
65
00:02:18,424 --> 00:02:20,509
came from a Canadian TV show,
66
00:02:20,510 --> 00:02:23,095
which we'd never seen...
until now.
67
00:02:23,096 --> 00:02:25,664
I cannot wait to see
what's on this DVD!
68
00:02:25,665 --> 00:02:26,899
Oh, you haven't watched it yet?
69
00:02:26,900 --> 00:02:28,200
No, of course not.
70
00:02:28,201 --> 00:02:30,369
I wanted my first time to be
with someone I cared about.
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00:02:30,370 --> 00:02:32,971
LILY: Sweet! I get
that a lot. Well, once.
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00:02:32,972 --> 00:02:34,106
Hey, Robin,
do you want
73
00:02:34,107 --> 00:02:36,341
to go get a Korean massage
on Saturday?
74
00:02:36,342 --> 00:02:37,709
Oh, I'd love to.
75
00:02:37,710 --> 00:02:39,444
I've got this knot in my neck
that's so annoying.
76
00:02:39,445 --> 00:02:41,513
Yeah, I figured
I should get one now
77
00:02:41,514 --> 00:02:43,715
because once I get pregnant,
no more massages.
78
00:02:43,716 --> 00:02:45,417
Just so annoying.
79
00:02:45,418 --> 00:02:46,718
Okay.
80
00:02:46,719 --> 00:02:50,689
(upbeat music plays on TV)
81
00:02:50,690 --> 00:02:52,124
Space Teens?!
82
00:02:52,125 --> 00:02:53,625
Is this a porno?
83
00:02:53,626 --> 00:02:55,160
No, no. Dude, dude. Sweet!
84
00:02:55,161 --> 00:02:56,728
It's a kids' show.
85
00:02:56,729 --> 00:02:58,413
Oh.
86
00:02:58,414 --> 00:03:00,365
MEN:
Yeah! Yeah!
87
00:03:02,418 --> 00:03:03,635
TED:
I don't know.
88
00:03:03,636 --> 00:03:06,271
This does have all
the earmarks of porn.
89
00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:07,973
Stripper pole,
bad lighting,
90
00:03:07,974 --> 00:03:09,441
delusional girl
who thinks
91
00:03:09,442 --> 00:03:11,310
it's a stepping stone
to mainstream success.
92
00:03:11,311 --> 00:03:14,012
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a big old
bowl of pornflakes.
93
00:03:21,254 --> 00:03:23,605
BARNEY:
Whoa! And who is this
94
00:03:23,606 --> 00:03:24,790
exquisite keytarist I assume
95
00:03:24,791 --> 00:03:26,692
you're about
to make sweet love to?
96
00:03:26,693 --> 00:03:27,826
Oh, that's Jessica Glitter.
97
00:03:27,827 --> 00:03:30,696
She was my BFF on the show
and in real life.
98
00:03:30,697 --> 00:03:31,964
Ah, BFFs.
99
00:03:31,965 --> 00:03:33,432
Did you guys have sleepovers?
100
00:03:33,433 --> 00:03:35,300
Get mad at each other
and wrestle,
101
00:03:35,301 --> 00:03:37,619
but then end up kissing
in a tender embrace?
102
00:03:37,620 --> 00:03:39,238
Here, show us on Lily.
Barney, you know what?
103
00:03:39,239 --> 00:03:40,372
If you're going
to be disgusting,
104
00:03:40,373 --> 00:03:41,473
we're not watching this, okay?
105
00:03:41,474 --> 00:03:42,741
Yeah. Come on, Barney.
106
00:03:42,742 --> 00:03:44,943
It's just a cute
little story about...
107
00:03:44,944 --> 00:03:47,679
What exactly is this about?
108
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,381
Oh, two average
Canadian teenagers
109
00:03:49,382 --> 00:03:51,650
who solve crimes
in space using math.
110
00:03:51,651 --> 00:03:53,051
That sounds ridiculous.
111
00:03:53,052 --> 00:03:54,386
So sue me.
112
00:03:54,387 --> 00:03:56,755
Like the producers of
Milky Way Mathletes tried to.
113
00:03:56,756 --> 00:04:00,125
(synthesizer
and drum music playing)
114
00:04:01,828 --> 00:04:03,979
(both giggling)
115
00:04:05,782 --> 00:04:08,166
Great job using
long division
116
00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:10,235
to catch that
space burglar, eh?
117
00:04:10,236 --> 00:04:11,603
Well, what can I say?
118
00:04:11,604 --> 00:04:16,375
He'll be in galactic jail
for the remainder of his life.
119
00:04:16,376 --> 00:04:17,476
(robot trilling)
120
00:04:17,477 --> 00:04:18,810
Sparkles, Glitter,
121
00:04:18,811 --> 00:04:20,979
we're about
to enter an asteroid belt, eh.
122
00:04:20,980 --> 00:04:22,281
(gasps)
123
00:04:22,282 --> 00:04:23,948
Brace for turbulence!
124
00:04:23,949 --> 00:04:26,468
BOTH:
Oh. Oh.
125
00:04:26,469 --> 00:04:29,288
LILY: I have to say,
as much as I hate
126
00:04:29,289 --> 00:04:30,789
to agree with Barney,
127
00:04:30,790 --> 00:04:33,425
this does seem to be
a veritable pornucopia.
128
00:04:33,426 --> 00:04:34,693
Okay, guys, come on.
129
00:04:34,694 --> 00:04:36,028
It's a kids' show!
130
00:04:36,029 --> 00:04:38,680
Like Electric Company
or Sesame Street or, um...
131
00:04:38,681 --> 00:04:39,898
You can't do that
on television.
132
00:04:39,899 --> 00:04:40,766
Exactly.
133
00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:41,933
No.
134
00:04:41,934 --> 00:04:44,202
You can't do that on television!
135
00:04:44,203 --> 00:04:46,471
♪ ♪
136
00:04:47,407 --> 00:04:49,441
TED:
Robin,
137
00:04:49,442 --> 00:04:52,277
this show is so dirty, I
don't know whether to hug you
138
00:04:52,278 --> 00:04:55,180
or run a shower for you
so you can sit there alone,
139
00:04:55,181 --> 00:04:56,515
crying and clenching
your knees.
140
00:04:56,516 --> 00:04:58,750
It's just bad camera work, okay?
141
00:04:58,751 --> 00:05:01,219
Wayne, our camera guy--
he wasn't that great.
142
00:05:01,220 --> 00:05:03,355
I don't know. I think
he did a pretty good job,
143
00:05:03,356 --> 00:05:04,956
considering he was probably
only using one hand.
144
00:05:04,957 --> 00:05:06,158
(laughter)
145
00:05:06,159 --> 00:05:07,326
You know what?
146
00:05:07,327 --> 00:05:09,961
I feel bad for you Americans,
that you can look
147
00:05:09,962 --> 00:05:12,497
at this wondrous and educational
adventure through space,
148
00:05:12,498 --> 00:05:14,232
and see something obscene.
149
00:05:14,233 --> 00:05:16,668
Can you just please try
to look at this
150
00:05:16,669 --> 00:05:18,603
with the innocence of a child?
151
00:05:18,604 --> 00:05:20,572
Innocence of a child.
Innocence of a child.
152
00:05:20,573 --> 00:05:21,807
Coming up.
Here we go.
153
00:05:21,808 --> 00:05:23,975
Girls, if you want
154
00:05:23,976 --> 00:05:26,144
to get through the asteroid
belt, you've got
155
00:05:26,145 --> 00:05:27,779
to use
multiplication.
156
00:05:27,780 --> 00:05:29,948
To the joystick!
157
00:05:31,134 --> 00:05:34,019
Okay, Space Teens,
let's multiply!
158
00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:35,253
Five times six?
159
00:05:35,254 --> 00:05:36,355
Oh. 30.
160
00:05:36,356 --> 00:05:37,589
Yes!
Oh!
161
00:05:37,590 --> 00:05:38,824
Seven times four?
162
00:05:38,825 --> 00:05:41,159
GLITTER: 28! Keep going!
163
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:42,427
Eight times nine?
164
00:05:42,428 --> 00:05:43,662
72!
165
00:05:43,663 --> 00:05:45,097
Don't stop now!
Almost there!
166
00:05:45,098 --> 00:05:47,165
23 times three?
167
00:05:47,166 --> 00:05:49,568
Oh...
168
00:05:49,569 --> 00:05:51,770
(all protesting)
I'm sorry.
169
00:05:51,771 --> 00:05:52,971
We got to ration this.
170
00:05:52,972 --> 00:05:54,756
It's like
we're on a desert island,
171
00:05:54,757 --> 00:05:57,142
and this video
is a really hot, naked chick,
172
00:05:57,143 --> 00:06:00,095
and she's got, like, seaweed
on her and a seashell bra.
173
00:06:00,096 --> 00:06:01,279
You all feel me?
174
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:02,681
Hey,
175
00:06:02,682 --> 00:06:04,216
if you and Jessica are BFFs,
176
00:06:04,217 --> 00:06:05,684
how come we've never met her?
177
00:06:05,685 --> 00:06:07,719
Okay, well,
it was a long time ago, okay?
178
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,788
I get a Christmas card
from her every year,
179
00:06:09,789 --> 00:06:11,189
but we're not really friends
anymore.
180
00:06:11,190 --> 00:06:12,924
But BFFs are forever.
181
00:06:12,925 --> 00:06:14,893
MARSHALL:
Oh, come on, Lily.
182
00:06:14,894 --> 00:06:16,361
Nobody stays friends
with their high school friends.
183
00:06:16,362 --> 00:06:17,796
I'm still friends
with Punchy.
184
00:06:17,797 --> 00:06:19,131
Dude, he lives in Cleveland.
185
00:06:19,132 --> 00:06:21,433
You see him once a year,
at which point,
186
00:06:21,434 --> 00:06:23,435
he punches you really hard
in the arm
187
00:06:23,436 --> 00:06:25,737
and tells everyone
how you dookied your pants.
188
00:06:25,738 --> 00:06:27,439
I know, on paper
he sounds great,
189
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:28,974
but you guys
aren't really friends.
190
00:06:28,975 --> 00:06:33,078
Look, I may not see him a lot,
but it doesn't matter.
191
00:06:33,079 --> 00:06:35,514
Observe.
192
00:06:35,515 --> 00:06:36,882
(phone ringing)
193
00:06:36,883 --> 00:06:39,017
Schmosby!
Punchy!
194
00:06:39,018 --> 00:06:40,185
Schmosby!
Punchy!
195
00:06:40,186 --> 00:06:41,353
(high-pitched):
Schmosby! Punchy!
196
00:06:41,354 --> 00:06:42,788
Schmoosby!
Punchy!
197
00:06:42,789 --> 00:06:44,089
Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
198
00:06:44,090 --> 00:06:45,056
Yeah, you, too.
If you're ever in New York.
199
00:06:45,057 --> 00:06:46,725
Definitely.
200
00:06:46,726 --> 00:06:50,929
We are just two peas.
201
00:06:50,930 --> 00:06:52,297
I don't get it.
202
00:06:52,298 --> 00:06:54,699
How can you and Glitter just
stop being friends?
203
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,101
Best friends don't do that.
204
00:06:56,102 --> 00:06:57,969
Well, we did, okay?
And I haven't talked to her
205
00:06:57,970 --> 00:06:59,504
in, like, five years,
so just drop it.
206
00:06:59,505 --> 00:07:01,790
I got to go.
207
00:07:04,410 --> 00:07:06,778
Whoa.
208
00:07:06,779 --> 00:07:09,381
What do you think came
between Robin and Jessica?
209
00:07:09,382 --> 00:07:11,116
TED:
Much like our friends,
210
00:07:11,117 --> 00:07:12,617
the Space Teens,
211
00:07:12,618 --> 00:07:16,555
I think I can
solve this crime with math.
212
00:07:17,423 --> 00:07:20,976
Okay... Okay, here
is a Christmas card
213
00:07:20,977 --> 00:07:22,260
that Jessica sent Robin.
214
00:07:22,261 --> 00:07:24,596
Lily, how old would you say
that kid is?
215
00:07:24,597 --> 00:07:25,831
Four years, three months.
216
00:07:25,832 --> 00:07:27,933
Which means Jessica got pregnant
five years ago.
217
00:07:27,934 --> 00:07:30,669
Right around the time she
and Robin stopped being friends.
218
00:07:30,670 --> 00:07:32,871
Of course. Robin hates kids.
219
00:07:32,872 --> 00:07:34,372
The last thing
she would want to do
220
00:07:34,373 --> 00:07:35,774
is hang out
with some little brat.
221
00:07:35,775 --> 00:07:37,309
Thus, if I may...
222
00:07:37,310 --> 00:07:38,610
(clears throat)
223
00:07:38,611 --> 00:07:41,580
When Glitter's womb
a fruit did bear,
224
00:07:41,581 --> 00:07:46,685
Robin said, "To hell with this,
I'm outta hare."
225
00:07:48,721 --> 00:07:50,455
Glitter got pregnant,
so Robin dumped her.
226
00:07:50,456 --> 00:07:52,657
Oh.
Oh, got... Wow.
227
00:07:52,658 --> 00:07:54,626
That's got to be it, right, Lil?
228
00:07:55,728 --> 00:07:56,628
Lil?
229
00:07:56,629 --> 00:07:58,930
Robin's gonna dump me!
230
00:07:58,931 --> 00:08:00,932
Oh, sweetheart.
231
00:08:00,933 --> 00:08:02,400
Aha.
232
00:08:02,401 --> 00:08:04,469
When a second uterus
plumped becomes...
233
00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:06,638
Dude.
234
00:08:06,639 --> 00:08:08,840
Feel the room.
235
00:08:13,131 --> 00:08:14,865
(sighs)
236
00:08:16,268 --> 00:08:18,552
No.
We've been waiting all day!
237
00:08:18,553 --> 00:08:20,104
Just watch it without me.
238
00:08:20,105 --> 00:08:21,639
Two dudes on the couch
together watching porn?
239
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:22,940
That's kind of weird.
240
00:08:22,941 --> 00:08:24,909
Okay, it's not porn,
it's a kids' show.
241
00:08:24,910 --> 00:08:27,878
Two dudes watching
a kids' show might be worse.
242
00:08:27,879 --> 00:08:28,913
(sighs)
243
00:08:28,914 --> 00:08:30,047
Okay, fine,
I'll watch it with you.
244
00:08:30,048 --> 00:08:31,482
Yeah! (giggles)
But if either of you
245
00:08:31,483 --> 00:08:33,517
makes even one peep
about the show being dirty,
246
00:08:33,518 --> 00:08:34,735
I'm turning it off.
247
00:08:34,736 --> 00:08:36,520
We...
I'm serious.
248
00:08:36,521 --> 00:08:38,572
(sighs)
249
00:08:38,573 --> 00:08:41,225
Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
250
00:08:42,127 --> 00:08:43,427
Great.
251
00:08:43,428 --> 00:08:44,561
How's your beaver?
252
00:08:44,562 --> 00:08:47,198
Busy as ever!
253
00:08:47,199 --> 00:08:48,499
(stifled laughter)
254
00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:50,034
Our characters
had pet beavers.
255
00:08:50,035 --> 00:08:51,702
(giggles)
Sure.
256
00:08:51,703 --> 00:08:54,538
The beaver is the official
animal of Canada.
257
00:08:54,539 --> 00:08:55,773
(stifled laughter)
258
00:08:55,774 --> 00:08:56,907
It's our national mascot.
259
00:08:57,976 --> 00:09:00,378
It's a noble creature.
260
00:09:00,379 --> 00:09:02,179
Okay, girls.
261
00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:05,216
Everyone knows a beaver's
favorite food is wood.
262
00:09:05,217 --> 00:09:07,718
I just hope
we brought along enough of it
263
00:09:07,719 --> 00:09:09,586
for our three-day
galactic space journey.
264
00:09:09,587 --> 00:09:11,322
So let's do the math.
265
00:09:11,323 --> 00:09:13,274
If Robin's beaver devours
266
00:09:13,275 --> 00:09:15,393
six inches of wood
every half hour,
267
00:09:15,394 --> 00:09:17,328
and Jessica's beaver
268
00:09:17,329 --> 00:09:20,398
devours eight inches
of wood every 45 minutes,
269
00:09:20,399 --> 00:09:22,066
how much wood will I need
270
00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:26,036
to keep both of these beavers
well-fed all weekend long?
271
00:09:26,037 --> 00:09:27,204
(Ted and Barney
burst out laughing)
272
00:09:27,205 --> 00:09:29,073
ROBIN:
While you figure it out at home,
273
00:09:29,074 --> 00:09:31,876
how about we sing you a song
about our beavers?
274
00:09:31,877 --> 00:09:35,446
(upbeat song plays)
275
00:09:35,447 --> 00:09:36,647
BOTH:
Hey!
276
00:09:36,648 --> 00:09:38,783
No! You don't get
to hear the beaver song!
277
00:09:38,784 --> 00:09:40,618
It is a sweet song
about friendship,
278
00:09:40,619 --> 00:09:42,186
and you guys are being
disgusting,
279
00:09:42,187 --> 00:09:43,454
and beavers are adorable!
280
00:09:43,455 --> 00:09:44,955
No arguments here.
281
00:09:44,956 --> 00:09:47,141
(knocking on door)
282
00:09:49,561 --> 00:09:51,295
'Sup Shmosby!
283
00:09:52,848 --> 00:09:54,432
Punchy, what are
you doing here?
284
00:09:54,433 --> 00:09:56,600
Well, yesterday you said
if I was ever in New York.
285
00:09:56,601 --> 00:09:59,203
'Sup, turds?
286
00:09:59,204 --> 00:10:00,237
(groans)
287
00:10:00,238 --> 00:10:02,606
Okay, uh, uh, where
are you staying?
288
00:10:02,607 --> 00:10:03,774
In your mom's pants.
289
00:10:03,775 --> 00:10:05,009
Trick. She's old.
290
00:10:05,010 --> 00:10:06,210
Hey, don't worry
291
00:10:06,211 --> 00:10:08,312
about me.
I'm cool on the couch.
292
00:10:08,313 --> 00:10:10,181
Whoa. He's staying here?
You're staying here?
293
00:10:10,182 --> 00:10:11,515
I know! It's so good, right?
294
00:10:11,516 --> 00:10:12,683
Feel like you're dreaming?
295
00:10:12,684 --> 00:10:13,884
But check your totem, brah.
296
00:10:13,885 --> 00:10:15,052
Punchy's here in the flesh.
297
00:10:15,053 --> 00:10:17,254
So, why don't we get
one of these, Ted?
298
00:10:17,255 --> 00:10:18,456
Yeah. Remember these?
299
00:10:18,457 --> 00:10:19,823
High school?
Junior high? Yeah.
300
00:10:19,824 --> 00:10:21,175
Elementary school?
Remember those?
301
00:10:21,176 --> 00:10:23,060
Look, look, Punchy's
here. Yeah, yeah.
302
00:10:24,129 --> 00:10:25,663
Hey, Schmosby, remember
when you dookied
303
00:10:25,664 --> 00:10:27,515
in your pants
down by the lake?
304
00:10:27,516 --> 00:10:29,667
Unbelievable!
(grunts)
305
00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:34,371
Hey, Schmosby, remember
when you dookied on our couch
306
00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:36,774
in the form of your idiot
high school friend?
307
00:10:36,775 --> 00:10:38,075
(laughs)
308
00:10:38,076 --> 00:10:40,945
Unbelievable!
309
00:10:40,946 --> 00:10:42,613
Come on. I worry about the guy.
310
00:10:42,614 --> 00:10:44,081
He's had the same dead-end job
311
00:10:44,082 --> 00:10:46,183
at a car rental place
for 15 years.
312
00:10:46,184 --> 00:10:47,084
Don't care.
313
00:10:47,085 --> 00:10:48,886
He's been stuck in Cleveland
314
00:10:48,887 --> 00:10:50,020
his whole life.
Get a hotel.
315
00:10:50,021 --> 00:10:51,789
Robin...
316
00:10:51,790 --> 00:10:53,157
LeBron.
317
00:10:53,158 --> 00:10:55,025
(sighs)
Okay, one night.
318
00:10:55,627 --> 00:10:56,660
Got to go.
319
00:10:56,661 --> 00:10:58,379
Hey.
320
00:10:58,380 --> 00:10:59,830
Where are you going?
We just got here.
321
00:10:59,831 --> 00:11:00,998
Oh, a Korean massage.
322
00:11:00,999 --> 00:11:02,032
By yourself?
323
00:11:02,033 --> 00:11:03,534
Well, I figured
you'd be busy,
324
00:11:03,535 --> 00:11:07,471
reading What to Expect When
You're Expecting to Expect.
325
00:11:07,472 --> 00:11:09,974
Guys, did you see that?
326
00:11:09,975 --> 00:11:12,226
She's going to a Korean
massage without me.
327
00:11:12,227 --> 00:11:14,044
That's our thing.
328
00:11:14,045 --> 00:11:16,146
I'm telling you,
she's gonna dump me,
329
00:11:16,147 --> 00:11:17,648
just like she
dumped Glitter.
330
00:11:17,649 --> 00:11:19,683
Lily, come on. We don't even
know that's what happened.
331
00:11:19,684 --> 00:11:22,019
Um, hello, somebody
already solved that crime
332
00:11:22,020 --> 00:11:23,320
using math, remember?
333
00:11:23,321 --> 00:11:24,455
Look, Lily.
334
00:11:24,456 --> 00:11:26,123
Robin is clearly
getting tired
335
00:11:26,124 --> 00:11:27,992
of you constantly
talking about babies.
336
00:11:27,993 --> 00:11:30,227
I don't.
(men groan)
337
00:11:30,228 --> 00:11:32,563
Lily, how old am I?
384 months.
338
00:11:32,564 --> 00:11:34,098
Busted!
339
00:11:35,066 --> 00:11:38,269
Okay. So before you Lily
all over the place,
340
00:11:38,270 --> 00:11:40,371
maybe you should try
hanging out with Robin
341
00:11:40,372 --> 00:11:41,872
and not talking
about babies.
342
00:11:41,873 --> 00:11:43,440
So Lily did just that.
343
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:45,509
She tried not
to talk about babies.
344
00:11:45,510 --> 00:11:47,578
Hey, Lily, what brings you
to the crib?
345
00:11:47,579 --> 00:11:49,213
(whines)
Crib...
346
00:11:49,214 --> 00:11:50,915
What's the matter?
You look rattled.
347
00:11:50,916 --> 00:11:52,750
Rattled?
(groans)
348
00:11:52,751 --> 00:11:55,553
I want to talk about babies.
What?
349
00:11:55,554 --> 00:11:57,805
Look, I know you
don't care about this stuff,
350
00:11:57,806 --> 00:11:59,957
but I'm about
to become a mother.
351
00:11:59,958 --> 00:12:01,158
And as a future mother,
352
00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:02,977
I'm gonna need
the support...
353
00:12:02,978 --> 00:12:05,296
Oh, my God!
You're not even pregnant yet.
354
00:12:05,297 --> 00:12:06,830
What's that supposed to mean?
355
00:12:06,831 --> 00:12:09,466
It means that a fertilized egg
has not yet attached itself
356
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:11,535
to the lining
of your uterine wall.
357
00:12:11,536 --> 00:12:13,437
You see?
I read your Facebook updates.
358
00:12:13,438 --> 00:12:16,006
God, it's like it's all
you ever talk about, Lily,
359
00:12:16,007 --> 00:12:17,141
and I'm sick of it!
360
00:12:17,142 --> 00:12:19,043
Well, guess what?
I've got some good news.
361
00:12:19,044 --> 00:12:21,145
When that baby comes,
you don't have to see it.
362
00:12:21,146 --> 00:12:23,047
In fact,
you don't have to see me.
363
00:12:23,048 --> 00:12:25,249
This whole friendship thing?
Done.
364
00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:26,650
Great.
Great.
365
00:12:33,458 --> 00:12:35,292
For crying out loud.
366
00:12:35,293 --> 00:12:36,527
You broke up with Robin?
367
00:12:36,528 --> 00:12:38,795
I had to.
We were growing apart,
368
00:12:38,796 --> 00:12:41,165
and we're better off
without each other.
369
00:12:41,166 --> 00:12:43,167
Okay, Lily, you sound about
as convincing as you did
370
00:12:43,168 --> 00:12:44,835
the time you
"accidentally" shredded
371
00:12:44,836 --> 00:12:46,670
my Joey Buttafuoco pants.
372
00:12:48,206 --> 00:12:50,441
No!
373
00:12:50,442 --> 00:12:53,911
Get on the phone, call
Robin and fix this.
374
00:12:53,912 --> 00:12:56,313
I can't.
The damage is done.
375
00:12:56,314 --> 00:12:57,481
(sobbing)
376
00:12:57,482 --> 00:12:59,450
Can you just hold me?
377
00:12:59,451 --> 00:13:00,501
You know what? No.
378
00:13:00,502 --> 00:13:01,952
I don't agree
with what you did,
379
00:13:01,953 --> 00:13:03,420
and so I refuse
to comfort you,
380
00:13:03,421 --> 00:13:06,290
despite how adorable
you are when you cry.
381
00:13:06,291 --> 00:13:09,159
Okay.
382
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:13,097
Okay. Maybe just one cuddle,
but then that is it.
383
00:13:13,098 --> 00:13:15,299
Times Square's the bomb!
384
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,401
I got so many great pictures
of all the billboards.
385
00:13:17,402 --> 00:13:18,502
Yeah. You know,
386
00:13:18,503 --> 00:13:20,187
there's more to New York
than Times Square.
387
00:13:20,188 --> 00:13:23,007
There's the Village, the Lower
East Side, Central Park...
388
00:13:23,008 --> 00:13:24,908
They got better billboards
then the ones in Times Square?
389
00:13:24,909 --> 00:13:27,011
No.
390
00:13:27,012 --> 00:13:28,896
Times Square's the bomb!
391
00:13:28,897 --> 00:13:30,147
Here. You know what?
Hold this, okay?
392
00:13:30,148 --> 00:13:31,865
I'm going
to go pee in the jar
393
00:13:31,866 --> 00:13:33,717
I got going
in the alley.
394
00:13:35,353 --> 00:13:36,320
(huffs)
395
00:13:36,321 --> 00:13:39,289
Seriously, dude,
he has got to go.
396
00:13:39,290 --> 00:13:40,741
You need to be like,
397
00:13:40,742 --> 00:13:44,928
(as Anne Robinson): "You are
the weakest link. Goodbye."
398
00:13:44,929 --> 00:13:47,464
(as Jeff Probst):
Punchy, the tribe has spoken.
399
00:13:47,465 --> 00:13:49,700
(as Padma Lakshmi): Please
pack up your knives and go.
400
00:13:49,701 --> 00:13:51,001
(as China Chow):
Your work of art
401
00:13:51,002 --> 00:13:52,236
didn't work for us.
402
00:13:52,237 --> 00:13:53,337
(as Flavor Flav):
Your time's up.
403
00:13:53,338 --> 00:13:54,338
(as Mike Richards):
I have to ask you
404
00:13:54,339 --> 00:13:55,589
to leave the mansion.
405
00:13:55,590 --> 00:13:57,775
(as Alex McLeod):
You must leave the chateau.
406
00:13:57,776 --> 00:13:59,743
(as Bret Michaels):
Your tour ends here.
407
00:13:59,744 --> 00:14:01,261
(as Ted Allen):
You've been chopped.
408
00:14:01,262 --> 00:14:02,429
Okay, yeah. I know.
409
00:14:02,430 --> 00:14:03,547
(as Julie Chen):
You've been evicted
410
00:14:03,548 --> 00:14:05,082
from the Big Brother house.
411
00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:06,550
(as Gail Simmons): Your
dessert just didn't measure up.
412
00:14:06,551 --> 00:14:07,885
(as RuPaul):
Sashay away.
413
00:14:07,886 --> 00:14:09,253
(as Gordon Ramsay):
Give me your jacket
414
00:14:09,254 --> 00:14:10,821
and leave Hell's Kitchen.
415
00:14:10,822 --> 00:14:12,489
(as Chris Harrison): I'm
sorry, you did not get a rose.
416
00:14:12,490 --> 00:14:14,458
(as Phil Keoghan): You have
been eliminated from the race.
417
00:14:14,459 --> 00:14:16,026
(as Tyra Banks):
You are no longer in the running
418
00:14:16,027 --> 00:14:17,361
to be
America's Next Top Model.
419
00:14:17,362 --> 00:14:18,495
(as Donald Trump):
You're fired.
420
00:14:18,496 --> 00:14:19,580
(as Heidi Klum):
Auf Wiedersehen.
421
00:14:19,581 --> 00:14:22,966
Ted, come look at this.
422
00:14:22,967 --> 00:14:26,003
I found a little wounded bird
in the alley.
423
00:14:27,905 --> 00:14:28,956
That's your scrotum.
424
00:14:28,957 --> 00:14:30,207
(laughing)
425
00:14:30,208 --> 00:14:31,709
You know what it is, Ted.
You know what it is.
426
00:14:31,710 --> 00:14:33,610
Come on, Ted.
You always fall for that.
427
00:14:35,714 --> 00:14:37,214
Yeah, he's gotta go.
428
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:41,251
(crowd cheering)
429
00:14:43,271 --> 00:14:44,972
What are we doing
in Madison Square Garden?
430
00:14:44,973 --> 00:14:46,557
Okay, you refused
to talk to Robin.
431
00:14:46,558 --> 00:14:49,143
So I thought that you
might like to talk to...
432
00:14:49,144 --> 00:14:51,128
the organist for
the New York Rangers.
433
00:14:51,129 --> 00:14:54,398
(organ playing jaunty tune)
434
00:14:54,399 --> 00:14:55,999
Jessica Glitter?!
435
00:15:03,732 --> 00:15:05,165
(organ playing)
436
00:15:10,171 --> 00:15:11,972
How did you find
Glitter?
437
00:15:11,973 --> 00:15:13,240
Simple, really.
438
00:15:13,241 --> 00:15:14,525
I used my powers of deduction.
439
00:15:14,526 --> 00:15:17,144
You see, I knew Glitter
used to be a keytarist,
440
00:15:17,145 --> 00:15:18,779
which is basically a piano,
441
00:15:18,780 --> 00:15:21,399
so I just made a list of all
the keyboard-based occupations
442
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,717
and then I cross-matched them...
443
00:15:22,718 --> 00:15:23,751
His friend Barney looked me up,
444
00:15:23,752 --> 00:15:26,087
hoping to buy my
Space Teens costume.
445
00:15:26,088 --> 00:15:27,688
Yo, Glitter...
446
00:15:27,689 --> 00:15:29,457
Be cool.
447
00:15:29,458 --> 00:15:31,859
So, is this the one who's
best friends with Robin now?
448
00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:35,162
(groans)
More like ex-best friends.
449
00:15:35,163 --> 00:15:36,697
Just like you.
450
00:15:36,698 --> 00:15:39,166
(plays "The Chicken Dance")
I'm sorry to hear that.
451
00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:40,935
I miss Robin.
452
00:15:42,337 --> 00:15:45,139
Yeah, well, Marshall and I
are about to get pregnant,
453
00:15:45,140 --> 00:15:47,475
and I know she
stopped being friends
454
00:15:47,476 --> 00:15:49,744
with you when you
had a baby, so...
455
00:15:49,745 --> 00:15:51,645
Oh, Robin didn't stop
being friends with me.
456
00:15:51,646 --> 00:15:53,647
I stopped being friends
with her.
457
00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:55,282
What? Why?
458
00:15:55,283 --> 00:15:56,751
Because I had a baby.
459
00:15:56,752 --> 00:15:57,952
Honey, when you have a baby,
460
00:15:57,953 --> 00:16:00,020
all that best friend stuff--
461
00:16:00,021 --> 00:16:03,324
hockey,
bow hunting for caribou, math--
462
00:16:03,325 --> 00:16:05,259
that all goes out the window.
463
00:16:05,260 --> 00:16:06,727
I mean, I tried
to stay friends with her,
464
00:16:06,728 --> 00:16:08,229
but it just didn't happen.
465
00:16:08,230 --> 00:16:09,463
She took it pretty hard.
466
00:16:09,464 --> 00:16:12,366
I even thought she might try
to kill herself.
467
00:16:12,367 --> 00:16:14,869
(plays "Charge!")
468
00:16:14,870 --> 00:16:16,771
ALL:
Charge!
469
00:16:16,772 --> 00:16:19,607
Wow. You dumped her
just because you had a baby?
470
00:16:19,608 --> 00:16:20,908
That's cold.
471
00:16:20,909 --> 00:16:22,743
Didn't you do the same thing?
472
00:16:22,744 --> 00:16:24,512
Minus the baby?
473
00:16:24,513 --> 00:16:25,679
Oh, God.
474
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,080
I gotta go.
475
00:16:27,081 --> 00:16:29,100
I gotta go apologize
to Robin.
476
00:16:29,101 --> 00:16:30,651
I- I need to tell her I love her,
477
00:16:30,652 --> 00:16:32,787
and that she'll always
be a priority.
478
00:16:32,788 --> 00:16:33,854
Be careful, Lily.
479
00:16:33,855 --> 00:16:35,456
I made those
promises, too.
480
00:16:35,457 --> 00:16:39,193
And now I haven't even talked
to her in five years.
481
00:16:39,194 --> 00:16:42,663
Sure, I thought
about picking up the phone
482
00:16:42,664 --> 00:16:44,498
and calling her
a hundred times,
483
00:16:44,499 --> 00:16:46,534
but I just never have
the courage to actually...
484
00:16:46,535 --> 00:16:49,603
(playing "Chopsticks"
on the organ)
485
00:16:49,604 --> 00:16:51,705
Hey.
486
00:16:52,774 --> 00:16:54,875
Go ahead.
487
00:16:54,876 --> 00:16:57,611
(plays note)
488
00:17:02,150 --> 00:17:04,051
Hey, do you guys get Big Chuck
and Little John out here?
489
00:17:04,052 --> 00:17:05,352
Punchy, it's time to go back.
490
00:17:05,353 --> 00:17:06,987
Back to Times Square?!
491
00:17:06,988 --> 00:17:09,256
Uh, no. Back-Back to Cleveland.
492
00:17:09,257 --> 00:17:11,559
I don't know
if I can do that, bro.
493
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,677
I mean, yeah,
I've been jonesing for a piece
494
00:17:13,678 --> 00:17:14,895
of Cleveland-style pizza,
495
00:17:14,896 --> 00:17:17,198
but I feel bad
about leaving you out here.
496
00:17:17,199 --> 00:17:19,066
I worry about you, Ted.
497
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:20,000
(scoffs)
498
00:17:20,001 --> 00:17:21,402
You worry about me?
499
00:17:21,403 --> 00:17:22,470
Yeah.
500
00:17:22,471 --> 00:17:23,871
The other day,
when you called...
501
00:17:23,872 --> 00:17:25,639
Schmosby!
Punchy!
502
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:26,941
Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
503
00:17:26,942 --> 00:17:27,875
Yeah. You, too.
If you're ever in New York...
504
00:17:27,876 --> 00:17:29,076
Definitely.
505
00:17:29,077 --> 00:17:31,529
(phone beeps off, Punchy sighs)
506
00:17:31,530 --> 00:17:33,948
Sweetie, who was that?
507
00:17:33,949 --> 00:17:35,583
It was my friend Ted.
508
00:17:35,584 --> 00:17:37,501
He sounded
kind of depressed.
509
00:17:37,502 --> 00:17:39,253
Is this the Ted who
got left at the altar?
510
00:17:39,254 --> 00:17:40,521
Yeah.
511
00:17:40,522 --> 00:17:42,356
He's not doing so good.
512
00:17:42,357 --> 00:17:45,693
Poor guy lives in
a tiny apartment in New York,
513
00:17:45,694 --> 00:17:47,394
nowhere near Times Square.
514
00:17:47,395 --> 00:17:48,762
He's got no family around.
515
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:51,198
He's still single,
doesn't have a backyard.
516
00:17:51,199 --> 00:17:52,833
It's just a bummer.
517
00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:55,503
Maybe you should go visit him.
Cheer him up a little.
518
00:17:55,504 --> 00:17:57,071
You know,
buy him some shots,
519
00:17:57,072 --> 00:17:58,873
do the whole wounded
bird trick.
520
00:17:58,874 --> 00:18:00,241
You think that would work?
521
00:18:00,242 --> 00:18:02,176
Worked on me.
522
00:18:04,713 --> 00:18:05,946
Wow.
523
00:18:05,947 --> 00:18:08,148
She sounds
pretty great, Punchy.
524
00:18:08,149 --> 00:18:10,217
She's my angel.
525
00:18:11,019 --> 00:18:12,319
In fact, uh...
526
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:13,721
We're getting married.
527
00:18:13,722 --> 00:18:15,689
Wow! Wow!
528
00:18:15,690 --> 00:18:18,592
That's--
I'm-I'm really happy for you.
529
00:18:18,593 --> 00:18:20,044
Thanks, Ted. Thanks.
530
00:18:20,045 --> 00:18:22,429
Actually, that's the other
reason why I came out here.
531
00:18:22,430 --> 00:18:25,532
I wanted to see
if you'd be my best man.
532
00:18:27,369 --> 00:18:29,370
Of course I will.
533
00:18:29,371 --> 00:18:32,223
Yeah! That's great!
No, you're stupid.
534
00:18:32,224 --> 00:18:33,591
Dawg pound.
535
00:18:33,592 --> 00:18:35,092
Oh, that's it...
536
00:18:35,093 --> 00:18:37,411
NARRATOR: That night,
Lily went to the one place
537
00:18:37,412 --> 00:18:38,729
she knew she could find Robin--
538
00:18:38,730 --> 00:18:42,149
New York's premiere Canadian
bar, the Hoser Hut.
539
00:18:42,150 --> 00:18:43,901
Oh, there you are.
540
00:18:43,902 --> 00:18:46,387
Robin, I owe you a huge apology.
541
00:18:46,388 --> 00:18:47,721
No, okay? Me first.
542
00:18:47,722 --> 00:18:49,990
I've been pulling away from you,
and I'm sorry.
543
00:18:49,991 --> 00:18:52,860
It's just, the last time
my best friend had a baby--
544
00:18:52,861 --> 00:18:54,795
I know.
I know all about it.
545
00:18:54,796 --> 00:18:57,398
It's not gonna happen
with you and me.
546
00:18:58,166 --> 00:18:59,366
And I'm sorry
547
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:01,602
I've been going crazy
with this baby stuff.
548
00:19:01,603 --> 00:19:03,604
I know you hate babies.
549
00:19:03,605 --> 00:19:04,705
Whoa.
550
00:19:04,706 --> 00:19:06,507
Look, I hate most babies.
551
00:19:06,508 --> 00:19:08,575
But your baby?
552
00:19:08,576 --> 00:19:10,744
I'm gonna love
that kid so much.
553
00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:13,097
I'm gonna pick it up
and everything.
554
00:19:13,098 --> 00:19:14,214
Oh...
555
00:19:14,215 --> 00:19:15,883
GUYS:
Aww.
556
00:19:15,884 --> 00:19:18,018
I'm so happy
you guys made up.
557
00:19:18,019 --> 00:19:19,453
Me, too.
558
00:19:19,454 --> 00:19:20,587
(song plays)
559
00:19:20,588 --> 00:19:21,689
Where do I know
this song from?
560
00:19:21,690 --> 00:19:23,157
Oh, my God.
It's the beaver song.
561
00:19:23,158 --> 00:19:24,692
Okay, which one
of you put this on?
562
00:19:24,693 --> 00:19:27,628
GLITTER:
♪ Hey, beaver, come on ♪
563
00:19:27,629 --> 00:19:32,399
♪ When you feel alone ♪
564
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:36,403
♪ Just pick up that phone ♪
565
00:19:36,404 --> 00:19:39,974
♪ And I'll be there
to share my ♪
566
00:19:39,975 --> 00:19:43,877
ROBIN AND GLITTER:
♪ Ice cream cone ♪
567
00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:47,581
♪ We'll lick it side by side ♪
568
00:19:47,582 --> 00:19:48,849
Wow. This is
so dirty.
569
00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:49,917
Come on, Barney.
570
00:19:49,918 --> 00:19:51,502
It's a sweet song
about friendship.
571
00:19:51,503 --> 00:19:53,287
Yeah, dude,
come on.
572
00:19:53,288 --> 00:19:56,056
♪ Day is done ♪
573
00:19:56,057 --> 00:19:57,024
(laughs)
574
00:19:57,025 --> 00:20:01,128
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
575
00:20:01,129 --> 00:20:05,199
♪ Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah-dah, dah ♪
576
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,485
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
577
00:20:08,486 --> 00:20:09,937
♪ They're twice the fun ♪
578
00:20:09,938 --> 00:20:13,140
♪ Ask anyone ♪
579
00:20:13,141 --> 00:20:18,862
♪ A second beaver
can be second to none ♪
580
00:20:18,863 --> 00:20:22,416
♪ Two beavers
are better than one. ♪
581
00:20:22,417 --> 00:20:23,483
(cheering, whooping)
582
00:20:23,484 --> 00:20:25,169
♪ Dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah... ♪
583
00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:28,522
♪ You're my favorite
beaver... ♪
584
00:20:30,525 --> 00:20:33,410
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
585
00:20:33,411 --> 00:20:37,114
♪ Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah-dah, dah ♪
586
00:20:37,115 --> 00:20:40,617
♪ Two beavers
are better than one ♪
587
00:20:40,618 --> 00:20:42,820
♪ They're twice the fun ♪
588
00:20:42,821 --> 00:20:44,187
♪ Ask anyone ♪
589
00:20:44,188 --> 00:20:45,122
(Barney laughs)
590
00:20:45,123 --> 00:20:46,657
♪ A second beaver ♪
591
00:20:46,658 --> 00:20:50,994
♪ Can be second to none ♪
592
00:20:50,995 --> 00:20:54,234
♪ Two beavers
are better than one. ♪
593
00:23:22,597 --> 00:23:25,065
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