1
00:00:02,351 --> 00:00:05,954
Oh, no, mom put the
lawn jockey out again.
2
00:00:07,189 --> 00:00:10,125
Please don't make me
go in there.
Relax.
3
00:00:10,126 --> 00:00:12,260
It's just dinner.
We'll have a bite to eat,
4
00:00:12,261 --> 00:00:13,328
We're in, we're out.
5
00:00:13,329 --> 00:00:15,664
Isn't that what
Hansel said to Gretel?
6
00:00:15,665 --> 00:00:16,931
It'll be fine.
7
00:00:16,932 --> 00:00:19,434
We just have to agree
on an exit strategy.
8
00:00:19,435 --> 00:00:20,769
Oh, absolutely,
an exit strategy.
9
00:00:20,770 --> 00:00:22,337
I could say
I don't feel well.
10
00:00:22,338 --> 00:00:24,339
No, I already used
"Molly doesn't feel well"
11
00:00:24,340 --> 00:00:26,341
To get out of coming
over last Sunday.
12
00:00:26,342 --> 00:00:28,543
You had shingles,
by the way.
13
00:00:28,544 --> 00:00:31,146
How about we tell her
I have papers to grade?
14
00:00:31,147 --> 00:00:32,781
Not bad, not bad.
15
00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:35,216
I was gonna go with head lice,
but I think she keeps
16
00:00:35,217 --> 00:00:38,370
A can of rid and a metal comb
underneath the sink.
17
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:39,487
We'll go with "papers to grade""
18
00:00:39,488 --> 00:00:41,122
Now, do we need
a signal of some sort
19
00:00:41,123 --> 00:00:42,691
So I know when
you're ready to leave?
20
00:00:42,692 --> 00:00:44,893
The tears streaming down
my face not enough, huh?
21
00:00:44,894 --> 00:00:47,629
Oh, here we go-- when one
of us says "egg salad""
22
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:50,131
That means wrap it up
and get the hell out.
23
00:00:50,132 --> 00:00:51,966
Okay, but how am I
supposed to work
24
00:00:51,967 --> 00:00:53,334
"egg salad" into
a conversation?
25
00:00:53,335 --> 00:00:56,171
You just did.
26
00:00:56,172 --> 00:00:57,906
All right,
forget egg salad.
27
00:00:57,907 --> 00:00:59,908
Uh, how about
when one of us goes,
28
00:00:59,909 --> 00:01:01,843
"hey, you know
what's a great song?
29
00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:03,712
'papa loves mambo.'"
30
00:01:03,713 --> 00:01:06,247
Egg salad, it is.
31
00:01:07,083 --> 00:01:08,850
Hang on.
32
00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:10,719
Let me just apologize in advance
33
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:14,055
For whatever horrors
lie within those walls.
34
00:01:14,056 --> 00:01:16,891
Oh. I guess this is
part of being a couple.
35
00:01:16,892 --> 00:01:19,127
I like hearing you
call us a couple.
36
00:01:19,128 --> 00:01:20,395
I like saying it.
37
00:01:20,396 --> 00:01:21,830
Molly and Mike.
38
00:01:25,234 --> 00:01:27,268
You guys gonna
suck face all day,
39
00:01:27,269 --> 00:01:30,972
Or are you
coming inside?
40
00:01:30,973 --> 00:01:33,174
Egg salad...
41
00:01:35,044 --> 00:01:39,881
♪ for the first time
in my life ♪
42
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:43,084
♪ I see love. ♪
43
00:01:43,085 --> 00:01:49,085
-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/
44
00:01:53,109 --> 00:01:54,709
You kids want
some more coffee?
45
00:01:54,710 --> 00:01:57,479
Mom, you shouldn't be
walking around on that bad toe.
46
00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,080
What's the worst
that can happen,
47
00:01:59,081 --> 00:02:00,715
It turns black
and falls off?
48
00:02:00,716 --> 00:02:02,867
I got eight more.
49
00:02:08,357 --> 00:02:10,625
You really should
see a doctor, Mrs. Biggs.
50
00:02:10,626 --> 00:02:12,460
You don't want it
to get infected.
51
00:02:12,461 --> 00:02:13,528
Well, that'll
teach me
52
00:02:13,529 --> 00:02:17,532
For going to that
vietnamese manicurist.
53
00:02:17,533 --> 00:02:20,068
That crazy mamasan
went after my cuticle
54
00:02:20,069 --> 00:02:23,638
Like she was hacking down
a banana leaf.
55
00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:25,807
How's the pie?
56
00:02:25,808 --> 00:02:27,442
Really delicious.
57
00:02:27,443 --> 00:02:29,644
Plenty more in the kitchen,
if you're still hungry.
58
00:02:29,645 --> 00:02:33,648
None for me-- I had a big bowl
of egg salad for lunch.
59
00:02:33,649 --> 00:02:36,718
Actually, I could go for
another little sliver of pie.
60
00:02:41,090 --> 00:02:43,191
Mikey does love his pie.
61
00:02:43,192 --> 00:02:45,160
You do any baking?
62
00:02:45,161 --> 00:02:46,561
No. I don't cook much.
63
00:02:46,562 --> 00:02:51,700
I work a lot, and between
school and the shingles, I...
64
00:02:54,070 --> 00:02:55,570
When Mikey was a little boy,
65
00:02:55,571 --> 00:02:57,439
I worked full-time
in the school cafeteria
66
00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,175
And still managed to put
a hot meal on the table.
67
00:03:00,176 --> 00:03:01,476
School cafeteria, huh?
68
00:03:01,477 --> 00:03:03,578
I'll bet that's why
you're such a good cook.
69
00:03:03,579 --> 00:03:05,780
Well, you pick up
a few culinary tricks
70
00:03:05,781 --> 00:03:08,783
When you're stirring goulash
with a boat oar.
71
00:03:08,784 --> 00:03:11,353
By the way,
72
00:03:11,354 --> 00:03:13,321
I bought you a present.
73
00:03:13,322 --> 00:03:14,489
Really?
74
00:03:14,490 --> 00:03:17,208
Oh. That's really
very sweet.
75
00:03:17,209 --> 00:03:20,178
I know.
76
00:03:22,665 --> 00:03:24,099
Ah...
77
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:26,384
It's a...
78
00:03:26,385 --> 00:03:28,803
Hat, right?
79
00:03:28,804 --> 00:03:31,606
I didn't know your head size,
but the fellow that worked there
80
00:03:31,607 --> 00:03:34,109
Was about your build,
and it fit him, so...
81
00:03:35,611 --> 00:03:38,179
I don't know what to say.
Try it on.
82
00:03:47,189 --> 00:03:50,392
Yeah, that's what
I thought it would look like.
83
00:03:53,129 --> 00:03:54,596
Whoa.
84
00:03:54,597 --> 00:03:57,132
Did you lose a bet?
85
00:03:58,134 --> 00:03:59,834
No, Mike, your
mother bought me
86
00:03:59,835 --> 00:04:01,636
This beautiful hat
as a gift.
87
00:04:01,637 --> 00:04:03,037
Looks nice on her, doesn't it?
88
00:04:03,038 --> 00:04:04,923
Absolutely.
What color yellow is that?
89
00:04:04,924 --> 00:04:06,941
Kind of a egg salad, right?
90
00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:08,209
Yes.
91
00:04:08,210 --> 00:04:11,780
Well, thank you for dinner
and the lovely hat.
Hey!
92
00:04:11,781 --> 00:04:14,249
Why don't you wear it when
you come over for thanksgiving?
93
00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:16,484
You were planning
on coming over
94
00:04:16,485 --> 00:04:18,620
For thanksgiving, weren't you?
95
00:04:18,621 --> 00:04:22,357
Actually, uh, we're going to
Molly's house this year, right?
96
00:04:22,358 --> 00:04:25,360
Okay.
97
00:04:25,361 --> 00:04:27,195
Yeah, she's been
prepping for weeks.
98
00:04:27,196 --> 00:04:28,930
I thought you told me
you didn't cook.
99
00:04:28,931 --> 00:04:31,266
And I don't,
normally.
100
00:04:31,267 --> 00:04:35,503
But, uh, for thanksgiving,
I am a regular Martha Stewart.
101
00:04:35,504 --> 00:04:37,972
Turkey... Stuffing...
102
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:42,243
Assorted, uh,
colorful jell-o's.
103
00:04:44,947 --> 00:04:48,216
Well, I guess Jim and I
will just split a can of hash
104
00:04:48,217 --> 00:04:49,451
And listen to the radio.
105
00:04:49,452 --> 00:04:52,353
That sounds like
a nice thanksgiving.
106
00:04:52,354 --> 00:04:53,388
Mike, no.
107
00:04:53,389 --> 00:04:54,456
♪ papa loves mambo ♪
108
00:04:54,457 --> 00:04:55,924
Stop it..
♪ papa loves... ♪
109
00:04:55,925 --> 00:04:56,757
Stop, stop...
110
00:04:59,728 --> 00:05:03,965
Uh, we would love to have you
join us for thanksgiving dinner.
111
00:05:03,966 --> 00:05:06,701
Well, if you're sure
I won't be a bother.
112
00:05:09,705 --> 00:05:12,140
No. No bother.
113
00:05:12,141 --> 00:05:13,141
Can I bring Jim?
114
00:05:13,142 --> 00:05:15,176
He gets nervous when
I leave him alone
115
00:05:15,177 --> 00:05:17,846
And practically chews
his testicles raw.
116
00:05:24,119 --> 00:05:25,653
What the hell
happened in there?
117
00:05:25,654 --> 00:05:28,189
You went completely
off the rails!
What was I
supposed to do?
118
00:05:28,190 --> 00:05:30,291
She sat there with that sad,
pathetic look on her face.
119
00:05:30,292 --> 00:05:32,393
Nah, she sensed your weakness
and then pounced.
120
00:05:32,394 --> 00:05:33,811
You can't ever drop your guard
121
00:05:33,812 --> 00:05:36,431
Or look the beast
directly in the eye.
Hey, I called
122
00:05:36,432 --> 00:05:39,184
An "egg salad" audible
before any of that happened.
123
00:05:39,185 --> 00:05:41,653
Somebody mentions "pie,"
and the whole exit strategy
124
00:05:41,654 --> 00:05:43,988
Goes out the window.
125
00:05:43,989 --> 00:05:46,241
Oh, "big bowl of egg salad."
126
00:05:46,242 --> 00:05:49,310
I thought that was weird
when you said that.
127
00:05:49,311 --> 00:05:51,312
Now your mom's invited
to a thanksgiving dinner
128
00:05:51,313 --> 00:05:52,980
That's not even taking place!
129
00:05:52,981 --> 00:05:53,998
What are you talking about?
130
00:05:53,999 --> 00:05:55,416
Doesn't your family
cook a big meal?
131
00:05:55,417 --> 00:05:57,535
All right, picture
my mom and my sister.
132
00:05:57,536 --> 00:05:59,220
Now imagine them working
with appliances
133
00:05:59,221 --> 00:06:02,190
More complex than
a blender or a bong.
134
00:06:02,191 --> 00:06:04,125
Okay, but you
can cook, right?
135
00:06:04,126 --> 00:06:07,128
A little bit, but
I've never prepared a
thanksgiving dinner before.
136
00:06:07,129 --> 00:06:08,796
You got to be
kidding me.
137
00:06:08,797 --> 00:06:12,000
Is that a deal-breaker
for you, sport?
138
00:06:12,001 --> 00:06:14,636
Okay, let's not lash
out at each other.
139
00:06:14,637 --> 00:06:17,238
Do you know how much
work is involved
140
00:06:17,239 --> 00:06:19,774
With preparing
a thanksgiving dinner?
I don't.
141
00:06:19,775 --> 00:06:21,309
I'm usually brought in
when someone says,
142
00:06:21,310 --> 00:06:25,012
"what the hell are we gonna do
with the rest of this food?"
143
00:06:25,013 --> 00:06:27,515
But we'll
figure it out together,
144
00:06:27,516 --> 00:06:29,784
You and me,
working as a team,
145
00:06:29,785 --> 00:06:31,452
Our first thanksgiving.
146
00:06:31,453 --> 00:06:35,290
All right, I'll do this,
but only because I want
your mom to see me
147
00:06:35,291 --> 00:06:37,292
As a strong,
capable woman.
148
00:06:37,293 --> 00:06:39,627
I'm still wearing
the hat, aren't I?!
149
00:06:39,628 --> 00:06:41,829
Damn it!
150
00:06:44,866 --> 00:06:48,403
You're getting an early start
this morning, doodlebug.
151
00:06:48,404 --> 00:06:51,072
Yeah. It's really busy
at the mortuary.
152
00:06:51,073 --> 00:06:53,558
I could barely put
makeup on one cadaver
153
00:06:53,559 --> 00:06:56,594
Before another three
are breathing down my neck.
154
00:06:56,595 --> 00:06:59,547
Well, it's still better
than cocktail waitressing.
155
00:06:59,548 --> 00:07:02,100
At least no dead guy's
tried to grab your ass
156
00:07:02,101 --> 00:07:03,735
Or honk your boob.
157
00:07:03,736 --> 00:07:04,953
Yet.
158
00:07:07,289 --> 00:07:08,406
Oh, morning there.
159
00:07:08,407 --> 00:07:09,657
Good morning.
160
00:07:09,658 --> 00:07:11,492
Guys, listen, Mike and I
are making thanksgiving dinner
161
00:07:11,493 --> 00:07:13,394
For his mom here,
and I'd really like it
162
00:07:13,395 --> 00:07:15,563
If maybe you could
help out a little.
163
00:07:15,564 --> 00:07:17,298
Oh, mol,
I'm so sorry.
164
00:07:17,299 --> 00:07:18,866
I've got a previous engagement.
165
00:07:18,867 --> 00:07:22,136
I'm gonna take shrooms
and go to the blackhawks game.
166
00:07:23,339 --> 00:07:26,240
Yeah, and Vince and I are
going to an indian casino
167
00:07:26,241 --> 00:07:28,209
To drink whiskey and play slots.
168
00:07:28,210 --> 00:07:29,777
That's how you're gonna
spend thanksgiving?
169
00:07:29,778 --> 00:07:32,714
Well, sweetie, we stole
all that land from
those poor people.
170
00:07:32,715 --> 00:07:35,083
The least we can do
is buy their firewater
171
00:07:35,084 --> 00:07:37,852
And lose plenty wampum.
172
00:07:37,853 --> 00:07:41,289
Come on, guys,
I want to show Mike's mom
173
00:07:41,290 --> 00:07:44,792
That I can pull off a normal,
traditional family thanksgiving.
174
00:07:44,793 --> 00:07:48,196
And god help me, you're
my normal, traditional family.
175
00:07:48,197 --> 00:07:50,198
What do you think?
176
00:07:50,199 --> 00:07:52,000
Sure, I guess.
177
00:07:52,001 --> 00:07:53,267
Thank you.
178
00:07:53,268 --> 00:07:56,103
I'm still gonna
get wasted.
179
00:07:56,104 --> 00:07:58,640
I'm wasted right now.
180
00:07:58,641 --> 00:08:01,175
Hm? It's 7:00 in the morning.
181
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:04,479
You try putting lipstick
on a dead guy without a load on.
182
00:08:06,915 --> 00:08:11,002
Thanks, man.
My grandma's gonna love this.
183
00:08:12,588 --> 00:08:14,656
Really? I mean,
it's fairly hideous.
184
00:08:14,657 --> 00:08:15,790
Nah.
185
00:08:15,791 --> 00:08:17,458
She loves ugly hats.
186
00:08:17,459 --> 00:08:18,960
She wore one last Sunday
187
00:08:18,961 --> 00:08:21,796
That looked like
Bert and Ernie in a cage match.
188
00:08:24,233 --> 00:08:27,001
Listen, how'd you like
to come over for thanksgiving?
189
00:08:27,002 --> 00:08:29,003
Hm. You mean eating turkey
off a tv tray
190
00:08:29,004 --> 00:08:30,938
And watching that sad-ass dog
chew himself every time
191
00:08:30,939 --> 00:08:32,907
Your mom leaves the room?
I think not.
192
00:08:34,076 --> 00:08:36,878
No, we're having it
at Molly's house this year.
193
00:08:36,879 --> 00:08:38,946
My mom, her mom, her sister.
194
00:08:38,947 --> 00:08:41,449
I can't. Grandma and I are
going to the potluck at church.
195
00:08:41,450 --> 00:08:43,851
- Well, bring Nana with you.
- I don't know.
196
00:08:43,852 --> 00:08:45,670
They got a lot of single ladies
at that potluck,
197
00:08:45,671 --> 00:08:47,155
And they're vulnerable
during the holidays.
198
00:08:47,156 --> 00:08:49,257
You know, sometimes they'll
throw you one on turkey day
199
00:08:49,258 --> 00:08:52,844
Just so they can have
a date on christmas.
200
00:08:52,845 --> 00:08:55,963
Please, you can't
leave me alone in that henhouse.
201
00:08:55,964 --> 00:08:57,665
Well, I already invited Samuel
to come with us.
202
00:08:57,666 --> 00:08:59,200
Can I bring him over
to Molly's place?
203
00:08:59,201 --> 00:09:00,635
Absolutely.
Molly won't mind.
204
00:09:00,636 --> 00:09:01,936
The more, the merrier.
205
00:09:01,937 --> 00:09:04,338
Hey, Samuel,
change in plans.
206
00:09:04,339 --> 00:09:06,607
We're having thanksgiving with
Mike and Molly at her place.
207
00:09:06,608 --> 00:09:07,909
Oh, that sounds very nice.
208
00:09:07,910 --> 00:09:10,578
My roommates and I
will be happy to attend.
209
00:09:12,181 --> 00:09:13,948
Roommates?
210
00:09:13,949 --> 00:09:16,651
We will prepare a traditional
senegalese delicacy.
211
00:09:16,652 --> 00:09:20,088
Have you ever eaten monkey
brains fresh from the skull?
212
00:09:20,089 --> 00:09:22,890
That's disgusting.
213
00:09:22,891 --> 00:09:26,527
Oh, but you're fine with
old bread from a bird's ass.
214
00:09:35,127 --> 00:09:38,863
Okay, I'm gonna need some
more bread for the stuffing.
215
00:09:38,864 --> 00:09:41,198
Whee!
Mike. Mike! Mike!
216
00:09:42,434 --> 00:09:45,736
Do you want to wait in the car?
Do you want to wait in the car?
217
00:09:45,737 --> 00:09:48,672
'cause I will
put you in the car.
218
00:09:48,673 --> 00:09:50,041
Sorry.
219
00:09:50,859 --> 00:09:52,309
Okay, now for the turkey.
220
00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:54,545
Let's see, there's,
uh, six of us,
221
00:09:54,546 --> 00:09:56,197
And the magazine
says you should buy
222
00:09:56,198 --> 00:09:58,149
A half a pound
of turkey per person.
223
00:09:58,150 --> 00:09:59,950
Really? That's only
three pounds of bird.
224
00:09:59,951 --> 00:10:03,888
You might as well just yank
a pigeon out of a car grill.
225
00:10:03,889 --> 00:10:05,923
You know what, let's
get the 20-pounder.
226
00:10:05,924 --> 00:10:07,174
Better safe than sorry.
227
00:10:07,175 --> 00:10:09,593
We're not gonna eat
that much turkey.
You sure?
228
00:10:09,594 --> 00:10:11,929
What if there's
some, you know,
last-minute drop-ins?
229
00:10:11,930 --> 00:10:13,163
Like who?
230
00:10:13,164 --> 00:10:14,265
Well, anybody, really.
231
00:10:14,266 --> 00:10:15,833
I mean, Carl might drop by,
232
00:10:15,834 --> 00:10:17,268
And he might bring his grandma,
233
00:10:17,269 --> 00:10:19,870
And who knows,
Samuel might pop over to say hi
234
00:10:19,871 --> 00:10:22,740
And introduce us to his
five senegalese roommates.
235
00:10:26,378 --> 00:10:28,679
Oh, god, what have you done?
236
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,948
This is the first turkey
I've ever cooked.
237
00:10:30,949 --> 00:10:33,400
I don't want to give
half of Chicago salmonella.
238
00:10:33,401 --> 00:10:35,853
Hey, worry wart,
I'm there for you.
239
00:10:35,854 --> 00:10:37,855
I'll carve the bird,
I'll shuck the corn,
240
00:10:37,856 --> 00:10:39,824
I'll peel the potatoes
for the au gratin
241
00:10:39,825 --> 00:10:41,942
With the crispy
melted cheese on top.
242
00:10:41,943 --> 00:10:43,594
I'm making mashed potatoes.
243
00:10:43,595 --> 00:10:46,397
Really? Aw...
244
00:10:47,382 --> 00:10:48,899
I mean, oh, boy!
Mashed potatoes!
245
00:10:48,900 --> 00:10:51,302
I love me some mashed potatoes!
246
00:10:52,170 --> 00:10:54,338
You said I could push the cart.
247
00:10:59,511 --> 00:11:01,595
Oh! Mike!
248
00:11:01,596 --> 00:11:02,730
Time to get up.
249
00:11:02,731 --> 00:11:05,316
Come on. We got to get the
turkey in the oven.
250
00:11:05,317 --> 00:11:06,317
I got to start
251
00:11:06,318 --> 00:11:07,985
Boiling potatoes.
252
00:11:07,986 --> 00:11:09,820
Mike!
253
00:11:09,821 --> 00:11:12,740
What? What's going on?
254
00:11:12,741 --> 00:11:14,742
Take off the machine
and get up.
255
00:11:14,743 --> 00:11:16,410
What time is it?
256
00:11:16,411 --> 00:11:17,561
It's 5:00 a.M.
257
00:11:17,562 --> 00:11:19,196
We got to get
the meal started.
258
00:11:19,197 --> 00:11:21,732
It's still dark outside.
259
00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:24,368
Well, that giant turkey
needs 11 hours to cook.
260
00:11:24,369 --> 00:11:27,872
This giant man
needs eight hours of sleep.
261
00:11:27,873 --> 00:11:30,641
Get up.
262
00:11:34,913 --> 00:11:37,131
What? What happened?
263
00:11:39,885 --> 00:11:42,386
Oh, quit your whining.
264
00:11:42,387 --> 00:11:45,689
The only people up this early
are crack heads and prostitutes.
265
00:11:49,027 --> 00:11:53,531
Whoa. What are you guys
doing up so early?
266
00:11:53,532 --> 00:11:55,983
It's thanksgiving. We got to
put the turkey in the oven.
267
00:11:55,984 --> 00:11:57,434
Cool. Wake me up
268
00:11:57,435 --> 00:12:01,372
So I don't miss the
big floating bullwinkle.
269
00:12:01,373 --> 00:12:03,641
She asks me that
12 times a year.
270
00:12:03,642 --> 00:12:06,377
I don't think it has anything
to do with thanksgiving.
271
00:12:06,378 --> 00:12:08,045
All right.
272
00:12:08,046 --> 00:12:10,281
I'll pre-heat the oven and
get the potatoes started
273
00:12:10,282 --> 00:12:11,749
While you remove the
giblets from the turkey.
274
00:12:11,750 --> 00:12:12,683
Got it.
275
00:12:12,684 --> 00:12:15,319
And the giblets are
what and where?
276
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,988
Uh, it says it's the heart,
liver, gizzard and neck,
277
00:12:17,989 --> 00:12:20,991
Which are located in a bag
in the carcass cavity.
278
00:12:23,979 --> 00:12:25,462
Ew, "carcass cavity."
279
00:12:25,463 --> 00:12:28,032
Two words you don't ever want
to hear together.
280
00:12:28,033 --> 00:12:30,317
Just reach in, pull 'em
out and throw 'em away.
281
00:12:30,318 --> 00:12:31,969
Can't I just
sprinkle brown sugar
282
00:12:31,970 --> 00:12:33,771
Over the top
of the sweet potatoes?
283
00:12:33,772 --> 00:12:34,972
We're not having sweet potatoes.
284
00:12:34,973 --> 00:12:36,974
You got to be kidding me.
285
00:12:36,975 --> 00:12:38,776
Giblets! Now!
286
00:12:38,777 --> 00:12:40,911
All right, all right.
287
00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:48,285
Aw, this is putrid.
288
00:12:48,286 --> 00:12:51,188
You're a cop. You've
handled dead bodies before.
289
00:12:51,189 --> 00:12:55,158
Yeah, but we don't have
to do this to them.
290
00:12:55,159 --> 00:12:57,428
It's like a gift bag
from Jeffrey Dahmer.
291
00:12:57,429 --> 00:13:00,264
Garbage! Garbage!
Garbage!
292
00:13:00,265 --> 00:13:02,633
Okay, what else?
293
00:13:02,634 --> 00:13:04,401
Take the stuffing out
of the refrigerator
294
00:13:04,402 --> 00:13:05,536
And put it in the turkey.
295
00:13:05,537 --> 00:13:08,539
When the timer goes off,
put it in the oven.
296
00:13:08,540 --> 00:13:10,441
How come I'm
doing all the work?
297
00:13:10,442 --> 00:13:11,642
Would you rather go
out to the garage
298
00:13:11,643 --> 00:13:13,010
And haul in the card tables
299
00:13:13,011 --> 00:13:14,945
And folding chairs, and wash
and iron the table linens?
300
00:13:14,946 --> 00:13:17,848
No, ma'am.
Well, then shut your pie hole.
301
00:13:20,085 --> 00:13:21,518
Good. We're having pie.
302
00:13:26,875 --> 00:13:27,891
Oh, god.
303
00:13:27,892 --> 00:13:30,861
This can't be good.
304
00:13:32,697 --> 00:13:34,231
What the hell
are you doing?
305
00:13:34,232 --> 00:13:36,433
Are you hell-bent
on presentation,
306
00:13:36,434 --> 00:13:39,236
Or can we
dismember this bastard?
307
00:13:39,237 --> 00:13:41,038
I told you it was too big.
308
00:13:41,039 --> 00:13:43,107
Well, a smart person would have
taken their oven dimensions
309
00:13:43,108 --> 00:13:44,475
To the grocery store.
310
00:13:44,476 --> 00:13:47,611
A smart person would have held
your breathing tube longer.
311
00:13:47,612 --> 00:13:49,930
You know what?
312
00:13:49,931 --> 00:13:51,398
This is a problem
that can be solved.
313
00:13:51,399 --> 00:13:52,549
Now if memory serves,
314
00:13:52,550 --> 00:13:54,234
You have a barbecue grill
out back, correct?
315
00:13:54,235 --> 00:13:55,753
Yes.
Well, lucky for you,
316
00:13:55,754 --> 00:13:57,855
Your boyfriend
is Mr. Barbecue.
317
00:13:57,856 --> 00:13:59,390
Do tell.
318
00:13:59,391 --> 00:14:01,392
Well, I have yet to meet a
piece of beef, pork or poultry
319
00:14:01,393 --> 00:14:05,229
That I couldn't transform into
a mouthful of smoky goodness.
320
00:14:05,230 --> 00:14:06,964
Fine. Do your magic.
321
00:14:06,965 --> 00:14:09,667
Fyi, my magic will
require steak sauce,
322
00:14:09,668 --> 00:14:12,252
Hot and tangy mustard,
and three cans of beer.
323
00:14:12,253 --> 00:14:13,871
You're going to put beer
in the turkey?
324
00:14:13,872 --> 00:14:15,172
I'm gonna put beer in the chef.
325
00:14:15,173 --> 00:14:17,474
It's colder than
a well-digger's ass out there.
326
00:14:19,594 --> 00:14:21,312
Come on.
327
00:14:21,313 --> 00:14:23,614
Light, you son of a bitch.
328
00:14:23,615 --> 00:14:26,317
Mash, you sons of bitches.
329
00:14:29,020 --> 00:14:31,438
Mmm. Smells good in here.
330
00:14:31,439 --> 00:14:32,956
Hey, did you
make coffee?
331
00:14:32,957 --> 00:14:35,309
Yeah, six hours ago.
332
00:14:35,310 --> 00:14:38,145
Hey, if you're taking orders,
I love those au gratin potatoes.
333
00:14:38,146 --> 00:14:40,631
Mashed!
We're having mashed!
334
00:14:45,136 --> 00:14:46,637
No, you relax.
335
00:14:46,638 --> 00:14:48,272
I'll get it!
336
00:14:48,273 --> 00:14:50,457
Hey, I don't wanna
waste the viagra,
337
00:14:50,458 --> 00:14:53,477
So if I fall asleep later
from all the turkey,
338
00:14:53,478 --> 00:14:55,662
Soldier on.
339
00:14:57,215 --> 00:14:59,116
Grill's lit!
340
00:15:04,756 --> 00:15:06,957
I might still be drunk
from last night,
341
00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:10,310
But I think I just saw
a giant bear in the backyard
342
00:15:10,311 --> 00:15:13,297
With one of its paws on fire.
343
00:15:15,533 --> 00:15:17,134
Mrs. Biggs,
344
00:15:17,135 --> 00:15:20,504
You're early.
Really, really early.
345
00:15:20,505 --> 00:15:22,806
Well, I could walk
around the block a few times.
346
00:15:22,807 --> 00:15:25,642
But course, I might lose
this toe at some point.
347
00:15:25,643 --> 00:15:27,010
Come in.
348
00:15:27,011 --> 00:15:29,830
Here. That's my famous
green bean casserole.
349
00:15:29,831 --> 00:15:32,916
If anybody asks, the
secret ingredient is salt.
350
00:15:32,917 --> 00:15:35,119
That sounds delicious.
351
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,389
I came over early to see if
I could pitch in and help.
352
00:15:38,390 --> 00:15:41,158
Well, I-I think everything's
pretty well taken care of.
353
00:15:41,159 --> 00:15:43,660
Why don't you just sit down
and make yourself at home?
354
00:15:43,661 --> 00:15:47,531
Is Jim allowed on the furniture,
or are you an animal hater?
355
00:15:47,532 --> 00:15:49,016
No, it's fine.
356
00:15:49,017 --> 00:15:51,068
I mean, he's clean, right?
Oh, yeah.
357
00:15:51,069 --> 00:15:54,471
He had his anal glands expressed
a couple days ago.
358
00:15:54,472 --> 00:15:57,174
He's cleaner back there
than you or me.
359
00:16:00,378 --> 00:16:02,446
Can I get you something
to drink?
360
00:16:02,447 --> 00:16:05,716
Uh, three fingers of canadian
whiskey with a splash of tab.
361
00:16:05,717 --> 00:16:07,684
And if we don't have
canadian whiskey?
362
00:16:07,685 --> 00:16:10,454
Then forget it.
I got a cough drop in my purse.
363
00:16:11,556 --> 00:16:13,707
What the hell are
you guys doing?
364
00:16:13,708 --> 00:16:15,659
Vince made mimosas.
365
00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:18,545
You were all out of orange
juice, so I used sunny delight.
366
00:16:18,546 --> 00:16:20,397
Salute.
367
00:16:20,398 --> 00:16:22,299
What is that smell?
368
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:23,834
Could be
the crescent rolls,
369
00:16:23,835 --> 00:16:26,420
Or it could be your
boyfriend's hand.
370
00:16:27,872 --> 00:16:30,441
Somebody's got to go out there
and talk to Mike's mom.
371
00:16:30,442 --> 00:16:32,075
I'll do it.
372
00:16:34,379 --> 00:16:35,712
Wow. And the weird thing is,
373
00:16:35,713 --> 00:16:37,147
You are my first choice.
374
00:16:41,069 --> 00:16:42,519
Tough guy, huh?
375
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:44,621
Well, say hello
to my little friend.
376
00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:48,992
Mike, I need
you inside.
377
00:16:48,993 --> 00:16:51,128
But I got to watch the turkey.
378
00:16:51,129 --> 00:16:52,429
No, now.
379
00:16:52,430 --> 00:16:53,530
Your mom's here.
380
00:16:53,531 --> 00:16:55,866
I either need you or your taser.
381
00:16:55,867 --> 00:16:58,068
But I could only get one side
of the barbecue lit,
382
00:16:58,069 --> 00:16:59,703
So I got to turn it every
ten minutes.
383
00:16:59,704 --> 00:17:03,006
And every time I open the lid,
the turkey ices over.
384
00:17:03,007 --> 00:17:05,843
So how long do you think
it's gonna be before it's done?
385
00:17:05,844 --> 00:17:07,511
Smart money's on christmas,
386
00:17:07,512 --> 00:17:09,947
Around 5:00, 5:30.
387
00:17:09,948 --> 00:17:12,916
God, could this day
get any worse?
388
00:17:12,917 --> 00:17:14,551
You're not enjoying yourself?
389
00:17:14,552 --> 00:17:16,086
'cause I was just
standing out here
390
00:17:16,087 --> 00:17:18,155
Thinking
what a great day this is.
391
00:17:18,156 --> 00:17:19,523
How do you figure?
392
00:17:19,524 --> 00:17:21,458
I woke up
laying next to you.
393
00:17:21,459 --> 00:17:24,561
We're spending our first
thanksgiving together.
394
00:17:24,562 --> 00:17:27,664
I don't know how it gets
any better than that.
395
00:17:30,268 --> 00:17:33,654
Oops, it just
got better.
396
00:17:40,328 --> 00:17:42,246
So Molly tells me
you're a widow.
397
00:17:42,247 --> 00:17:44,414
Yeah, my husband
passed away
398
00:17:44,415 --> 00:17:46,617
When the girls
were still little.
You're lucky.
399
00:17:46,618 --> 00:17:49,653
Mine fell in love with a whore
and ran off to god knows where.
400
00:17:49,654 --> 00:17:52,556
At least you know
where yours is.
401
00:17:52,557 --> 00:17:54,174
Hey, let me tell you something.
402
00:17:54,175 --> 00:17:55,459
Your ex-husband's an idiot,
403
00:17:55,460 --> 00:17:58,729
Because you're still
a very handsome woman,
404
00:17:58,730 --> 00:18:02,132
Even with the weird dog
and the bad toe.
405
00:18:03,535 --> 00:18:06,537
Who the hell are you?
406
00:18:06,538 --> 00:18:08,972
Listen, everybody,
407
00:18:08,973 --> 00:18:12,075
For those of you who had your
hearts set on turkey today,
408
00:18:12,076 --> 00:18:14,511
We got a teeny
bit of bad news.
409
00:18:14,512 --> 00:18:15,579
You burn it?
410
00:18:15,580 --> 00:18:16,647
Only on the outside.
411
00:18:16,648 --> 00:18:20,250
On the inside,
it's a glacier.
412
00:18:20,251 --> 00:18:21,785
Well, don't worry
about it, dear.
413
00:18:21,786 --> 00:18:23,787
We all muck up our
first couple of turkeys.
414
00:18:23,788 --> 00:18:25,789
That's why the lord
invented gravy.
415
00:18:25,790 --> 00:18:28,492
Let's see what we can salvage
of this bird.
416
00:18:28,493 --> 00:18:30,093
Thank you, Mrs. Biggs.
417
00:18:30,094 --> 00:18:32,529
How are you fixed for salt?
418
00:18:33,698 --> 00:18:35,732
Knock, knock.
419
00:18:35,733 --> 00:18:37,184
Happy thanksgiving.
420
00:18:37,185 --> 00:18:39,036
Happy thanksgiving.
421
00:18:39,037 --> 00:18:40,737
Nice hat.
422
00:18:40,738 --> 00:18:43,607
Thank you.
423
00:18:45,109 --> 00:18:47,377
Egg salad.
424
00:18:59,423 --> 00:19:02,458
You know, uh,
when Molly decided she wanted
425
00:19:02,459 --> 00:19:04,828
To throw a big
thanksgiving dinner, I said,
426
00:19:04,829 --> 00:19:06,680
"what are you crazy? Do you
know how much work that is?"
427
00:19:06,681 --> 00:19:08,098
Remember, sweetie?
428
00:19:08,099 --> 00:19:10,400
Mm-hmm.
429
00:19:10,401 --> 00:19:14,304
And although it may not
look exactly like the cover
430
00:19:14,305 --> 00:19:17,607
Of a magazine,
it looks beautiful to me.
431
00:19:17,608 --> 00:19:20,343
And I'm thankful to
be here with my mom
432
00:19:20,344 --> 00:19:22,546
And Joyce and Victoria and...
433
00:19:22,547 --> 00:19:23,713
I'm sorry?
434
00:19:23,714 --> 00:19:25,148
Vincent Moranto.
435
00:19:25,149 --> 00:19:28,585
I'm datin' the mom,
not the gumdrop.
436
00:19:31,155 --> 00:19:33,356
And, of course, Carl and Nana.
437
00:19:33,357 --> 00:19:35,325
You're like my
second family.
438
00:19:35,326 --> 00:19:37,761
And Samuel, I'm so happy you
could join us this year,
439
00:19:37,762 --> 00:19:38,862
And bring, uh...
440
00:19:38,863 --> 00:19:40,363
Sorry, you got to help me out.
441
00:19:40,364 --> 00:19:42,165
Mamadou, Moustapha,
442
00:19:42,166 --> 00:19:43,533
Souleymane, Aziz
443
00:19:43,534 --> 00:19:46,303
And Frank.
444
00:19:46,304 --> 00:19:48,271
Got it.
445
00:19:48,272 --> 00:19:49,573
Next year, name tags.
446
00:19:49,574 --> 00:19:52,142
Happy thanksgiving,
everybody.
447
00:19:52,143 --> 00:19:54,578
Happy thanksgiving.
448
00:20:02,219 --> 00:20:05,422
Such good hash.
449
00:20:05,423 --> 00:20:06,873
It was good. What
did you put in that?
450
00:20:06,874 --> 00:20:08,691
I like hash.
451
00:20:08,692 --> 00:20:10,860
Could you pass the stuffing?
452
00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:13,213
I'll pass the stuffing.
453
00:20:15,433 --> 00:20:21,433
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