1
00:00:04,721 --> 00:00:08,452
Oh, no,
Mom put the lawn jockey out again.

2
00:00:09,559 --> 00:00:12,585
-Please don't make me go in there.
-Relax, it's just dinner.

3
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:15,094
We'll have a bite to eat,
we're in, we're out.

4
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,392
Isn't that what Hansel said to Gretel?

5
00:00:17,567 --> 00:00:21,162
Heh. It'll be fine.
We just have to agree on an exit strategy.

6
00:00:21,337 --> 00:00:24,500
Oh, absolutely, an exit strategy.
I could say I don't feel well.

7
00:00:24,674 --> 00:00:28,405
I already used "Molly doesn't feel well"
to get out of coming over last Sunday.

8
00:00:28,578 --> 00:00:29,704
You had shingles, by the way.

9
00:00:29,879 --> 00:00:31,107
[MOLLY SlGHS]

10
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,010
How about we tell her
I have papers to grade?

11
00:00:33,183 --> 00:00:34,582
Not bad, not bad.

12
00:00:34,884 --> 00:00:37,512
I was gonna go with lice,
but she keeps a can of RlD...

13
00:00:37,687 --> 00:00:41,282
-...and a metal comb underneath the sink.
-We'll go with papers to grade.

14
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:44,427
Now, do we need a signal
so I know when you're ready to leave?

15
00:00:44,594 --> 00:00:48,052
The tears streaming down my face
not enough, huh?

16
00:00:48,364 --> 00:00:50,025
When one of us says "egg salad"...

17
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,361
...that means wrap it up
and get the hell out.

18
00:00:52,535 --> 00:00:55,197
How am I supposed to work "egg salad"
into a conversation?

19
00:00:55,371 --> 00:00:57,134
-You just did.
-Ha, ha, ha.

20
00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,707
All right, forget "egg salad."

21
00:00:59,876 --> 00:01:03,744
Uh, how about when one of us goes,
"Hey, you know what's a great song?

22
00:01:03,913 --> 00:01:05,437
'Papa Loves Mambo."'

23
00:01:06,616 --> 00:01:07,810
Egg salad, it is.

24
00:01:09,519 --> 00:01:10,543
Hang on.

25
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:15,817
Let me just apologize in advance
for whatever horrors lie within those walls.

26
00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:18,688
Well, I guess this is part
of being a couple.

27
00:01:19,129 --> 00:01:20,858
I like hearing you call us a couple.

28
00:01:21,030 --> 00:01:23,396
I like saying it. Molly and Mike.

29
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:31,031
You guys gonna suck face all day
or you coming inside?

30
00:01:32,976 --> 00:01:35,809
Egg salad. Egg salad, egg salad.

31
00:01:54,831 --> 00:01:56,662
You kids want some more coffee?

32
00:01:56,833 --> 00:01:59,301
Mom, you shouldn't be walking around
on that bad toe.

33
00:01:59,469 --> 00:02:02,370
What's the worst that can happen,
it turns black and falls off?

34
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,370
I got eight more.

35
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:14,309
You really should see a doctor, Mrs. Biggs.
You don't want it to get infected.

36
00:02:14,484 --> 00:02:19,444
Well, that'll teach me
for going to that Vietnamese manicurist.

37
00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:24,716
That crazy mama-san went after my cuticle
like she was hacking down a banana leaf.

38
00:02:25,829 --> 00:02:27,353
How's the pie?

39
00:02:27,997 --> 00:02:29,021
Really delicious.

40
00:02:29,199 --> 00:02:31,224
More in the kitchen if you're still hungry.

41
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:35,235
None for me.
I had a big bowl of egg salad for lunch.

42
00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:38,099
I could go for another little sliver of pie.

43
00:02:43,446 --> 00:02:45,471
Mikey does love his pie.

44
00:02:45,648 --> 00:02:46,706
You do any baking?

45
00:02:46,883 --> 00:02:48,373
No, I don't cook much.

46
00:02:48,551 --> 00:02:53,955
I work a lot. And between school
and the shingles, l....

47
00:02:55,792 --> 00:02:59,228
When Mikey was a little boy,
I worked full-time in the school cafeteria...

48
00:02:59,395 --> 00:03:01,727
...and still managed to
put a hot meal on the table.

49
00:03:01,898 --> 00:03:05,197
School cafeteria, huh? I bet
that's why you're such a good cook.

50
00:03:05,368 --> 00:03:07,529
Well, you pick up a few culinary tricks...

51
00:03:07,704 --> 00:03:10,298
...when you're stirring goulash
with a boat oar.

52
00:03:12,175 --> 00:03:14,837
By the way, I bought you a present.

53
00:03:15,011 --> 00:03:17,104
Really? Aw.

54
00:03:17,513 --> 00:03:18,741
That's really very sweet.

55
00:03:18,915 --> 00:03:20,473
I know.

56
00:03:23,753 --> 00:03:25,687
Ahh, heh.

57
00:03:25,989 --> 00:03:30,392
It's a hat, right?

58
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:31,822
Didn't know your head size.

59
00:03:31,995 --> 00:03:35,487
But the fellow that worked there
was about your build and it fit him, so....

60
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,558
-I don't know what to say.
-Try it on.

61
00:03:43,006 --> 00:03:44,633
Mm, ha, ha.

62
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:51,776
Yeah, that's what I thought
it would look like.

63
00:03:54,617 --> 00:03:56,278
Whoa.

64
00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:58,954
Did you lose a bet?

65
00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:03,182
No, Mike, your mother bought me
this beautiful hat as a gift.

66
00:04:03,359 --> 00:04:05,793
-Looks nice on her, doesn't it?
-Absolutely.

67
00:04:05,962 --> 00:04:08,487
What color yellow is that?
Kind of a egg salad, right?

68
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,189
Yes.

69
00:04:10,466 --> 00:04:12,900
Well, thank you for dinner
and the lovely hat.

70
00:04:13,069 --> 00:04:15,799
Why don't you wear it
when you come over for Thanksgiving?

71
00:04:17,740 --> 00:04:20,208
You were planning on
coming over for Thanksgiving?

72
00:04:20,810 --> 00:04:23,870
Actually, we're going to
Molly's house this year, right?

73
00:04:24,447 --> 00:04:26,210
Okay.

74
00:04:27,116 --> 00:04:28,777
Yeah, she's been prepping for weeks.

75
00:04:28,952 --> 00:04:32,854
-I thought you told me you didn't cook.
-And I don't, normally.

76
00:04:33,022 --> 00:04:37,220
But for Thanksgiving,
I am a regular Martha Stewart.

77
00:04:37,393 --> 00:04:39,759
Turkey, stuffing...

78
00:04:39,929 --> 00:04:45,458
...assorted, uh, colorful Jell-Os,
and, um....

79
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:51,003
Well, I guess Jim and I will just split
a can of hash and listen to the radio.

80
00:04:51,174 --> 00:04:54,974
-That sounds like a nice Thanksgiving.
-Mike, no.

81
00:04:55,144 --> 00:04:56,202
[SlNGlNG]
Papa loves mambo

82
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:57,471
Stop it. Stop it, stop.

83
00:04:57,647 --> 00:04:58,705
Mama loves mam--

84
00:04:59,115 --> 00:05:00,673
[CHUCKLES]

85
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:05,582
Uh, we would love to have you
join us for Thanksgiving dinner.

86
00:05:05,755 --> 00:05:08,087
Well, if you're sure I won't be a bother.

87
00:05:11,260 --> 00:05:13,660
No, no bother.

88
00:05:13,830 --> 00:05:14,854
Can I bring Jim?

89
00:05:15,031 --> 00:05:19,229
He gets nervous when I leave him alone
and practically chews his testicles raw.

90
00:05:25,908 --> 00:05:28,741
What happened in there?
You went completely off the rails.

91
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:31,903
What was I supposed to do?
She sat there with that pathetic look.

92
00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:34,311
No, she sensed your weakness
and then pounced.

93
00:05:34,484 --> 00:05:38,113
You can't ever drop your guard
or look the beast directly in the eye.

94
00:05:38,287 --> 00:05:40,847
Hey, I called an egg salad audible
before that happened.

95
00:05:41,024 --> 00:05:45,120
Somebody mentions pie and the whole
exit strategy goes out the window.

96
00:05:46,396 --> 00:05:48,023
Oh, "a big bowl of egg salad."

97
00:05:48,197 --> 00:05:50,893
I thought that was weird
when you said that.

98
00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:54,525
Your mom's invited to a Thanksgiving
dinner that's not even taking place.

99
00:05:54,704 --> 00:05:56,968
What?
Doesn't your family cook a big meal?

100
00:05:57,140 --> 00:05:59,074
All right, picture my mom and my sister.

101
00:05:59,242 --> 00:06:04,145
Now imagine them working with appliances
more complex than a blender or a bong.

102
00:06:04,580 --> 00:06:06,047
Okay, but you can cook, right?

103
00:06:06,215 --> 00:06:09,309
A little bit, but I've never prepared
a Thanksgiving dinner before.

104
00:06:09,485 --> 00:06:13,421
-You gotta be kidding me.
-ls that a deal-breaker for you, sport?

105
00:06:13,756 --> 00:06:16,691
Okay, let's not lash out at each other.

106
00:06:16,859 --> 00:06:20,556
Do you know how much work is involved
with preparing a Thanksgiving dinner?

107
00:06:20,730 --> 00:06:22,789
I don't.
I'm brought in when someone says:

108
00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:25,957
"What the hell are we gonna do
with the rest of this food?"

109
00:06:27,170 --> 00:06:31,607
But we'll figure it out together,
you and me, working as a team.

110
00:06:31,774 --> 00:06:34,766
-Our first Thanksgiving.
-All right, I'll do this.

111
00:06:34,944 --> 00:06:39,210
But only because I want your mom
to see me as a strong, capable woman.

112
00:06:39,382 --> 00:06:41,145
I'm still wearing the hat, aren't l?

113
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:42,944
Damn it.

114
00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:50,154
You're getting an early start
this morning, doodlebug.

115
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:52,692
Yeah, it's really busy at the mortuary.

116
00:06:53,096 --> 00:06:55,121
I could barely put makeup
on one cadaver...

117
00:06:55,298 --> 00:06:58,131
...before another three
are breathing down my neck.

118
00:06:58,901 --> 00:07:01,165
Well, it's still better
than cocktail waitressing.

119
00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:03,669
At least no dead guy's
tried to grab your ass...

120
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,331
-...or honk your boob.
-Yet.

121
00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:11,279
-Oh, morning there.
-Good morning.

122
00:07:11,447 --> 00:07:15,008
Guys, listen, Mike and I are making
Thanksgiving dinner for his mom here.

123
00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:17,118
Maybe you could help out a little.

124
00:07:17,286 --> 00:07:18,810
Oh, Mol, I'm so sorry.

125
00:07:18,988 --> 00:07:20,478
I've got a previous engagement.

126
00:07:20,656 --> 00:07:23,523
I'm gonna take shrooms
and go to the Blackhawks game.

127
00:07:25,128 --> 00:07:29,792
Yeah, and Vince and I are going to an lndian
casino to drink whiskey and play slots.

128
00:07:29,966 --> 00:07:31,456
That's how you spend Thanksgiving?

129
00:07:31,634 --> 00:07:34,330
Well, sweetie,
we stole that land from those poor people.

130
00:07:34,670 --> 00:07:39,471
The least we can do is buy their firewater
and lose plenty wampum.

131
00:07:40,510 --> 00:07:42,910
Come on, guys.
I wanna show Mike's mom...

132
00:07:43,079 --> 00:07:46,446
...that I can pull off a normal,
traditional family Thanksgiving.

133
00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:49,744
And God help me,
you're my normal, traditional family.

134
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,549
-What do you think?
-Sure, I guess.

135
00:07:54,157 --> 00:07:55,647
Thank you.

136
00:07:55,825 --> 00:07:57,656
I'm still gonna get wasted.

137
00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:00,191
I'm wasted right now.

138
00:08:01,397 --> 00:08:02,728
It's 7::00 in the morning.

139
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,868
You try putting lipstick on a dead guy
without a load on.

140
00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:11,699
Thanks, man.
My grandma's gonna love this.

141
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,568
Really? I mean, it's fairly hideous.

142
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,408
No, she loves ugly hats.

143
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:23,177
She wore one last Sunday that looked
like Bert and Ernie in a cage match.

144
00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:28,613
Listen, how'd you like to
come over for Thanksgiving?

145
00:08:28,791 --> 00:08:30,691
Huh. Eating turkey off a TV tray...

146
00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:35,058
...and watching that dog chew himself
every time your mom leaves? I think not.

147
00:08:36,532 --> 00:08:38,659
No, we're having it
at Molly's house this year.

148
00:08:38,834 --> 00:08:40,529
My mom, her mom, her sister.

149
00:08:40,703 --> 00:08:43,069
Grandma and I are going to
the potluck at church.

150
00:08:43,239 --> 00:08:45,400
-Well, bring Nana with you.
-I don't know.

151
00:08:45,575 --> 00:08:49,011
There are a lot of single ladies.
They're vulnerable during the holidays.

152
00:08:49,178 --> 00:08:53,205
They'll throw you one on Turkey Day
just so they can have a date on Christmas.

153
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:57,552
Please, you can't leave me alone
in that henhouse.

154
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,814
I invited Samuel to come with us.
Can I bring him to Molly's place?

155
00:09:00,990 --> 00:09:03,481
Absolutely. Molly won't mind.
The more, the merrier.

156
00:09:03,659 --> 00:09:08,153
Hey, Samuel, change in plans. We're
having Thanksgiving with Mike and Molly.

157
00:09:08,331 --> 00:09:09,730
Oh, that sounds very nice.

158
00:09:09,899 --> 00:09:11,958
My roommates and l
will be happy to attend.

159
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,495
-Roommates?
-We will prepare...

160
00:09:16,672 --> 00:09:18,765
...a traditional Senegalese delicacy.

161
00:09:18,941 --> 00:09:21,637
Have you ever eaten monkey brains
fresh from the skull?

162
00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:24,472
That's disgusting.

163
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:27,912
But you're fine with old bread
from a bird's ass.

164
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,027
Okay, I'm gonna need
some more bread for the stuffing.

165
00:09:41,197 --> 00:09:42,960
-Whee!
-Mike, Mike, Mike!

166
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,230
You wanna wait in the car?

167
00:09:47,403 --> 00:09:50,463
You wanna wait in the car?
Because I will put you in the car.

168
00:09:51,274 --> 00:09:54,710
-Sorry.
-Okay, now for the turkey.

169
00:09:54,877 --> 00:09:56,674
Let's see, there's, uh, six of us...

170
00:09:56,846 --> 00:10:00,145
...and the magazine says you buy
a half a pound of turkey per person.

171
00:10:00,316 --> 00:10:02,045
Really? That's only 3 pounds of bird.

172
00:10:02,218 --> 00:10:05,449
You might as well just yank a pigeon
out of a car grill.

173
00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:09,552
Know what? Let's get the 20-pounder.
Better safe than sorry.

174
00:10:09,725 --> 00:10:11,955
-We're not gonna eat that much turkey.
-You sure?

175
00:10:12,128 --> 00:10:14,187
What if there's some, you know,
last-minute drop-ins?

176
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,331
-Like who?
-Well, anybody, really.

177
00:10:16,499 --> 00:10:19,525
I mean, Carl might drop by
and he might bring his grandma.

178
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,829
Who knows,
Samuel might pop over to say hi...

179
00:10:22,004 --> 00:10:24,495
...and introduce us
to his five Senegalese roommates.

180
00:10:27,243 --> 00:10:30,610
Oh, God, what have you done?

181
00:10:31,414 --> 00:10:35,316
This is the first turkey I've cooked. I don't
wanna give half of Chicago salmonella.

182
00:10:35,484 --> 00:10:37,850
Hey, worrywart, I'm there for you.

183
00:10:38,354 --> 00:10:40,254
I'll carve the bird, I'll shuck the corn.

184
00:10:40,423 --> 00:10:43,881
I'll peel the potatoes for the au gratin
with crispy, melted cheese on top.

185
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,493
I'm making mashed potatoes.

186
00:10:45,661 --> 00:10:47,253
Really? Aw.

187
00:10:49,498 --> 00:10:53,059
I mean, oh, boy, mashed potatoes.
I love me some mashed potatoes.

188
00:10:54,203 --> 00:10:56,763
You said I could push the cart.

189
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:00,398
[BEEPlNG]

190
00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:03,067
Oh.

191
00:11:03,179 --> 00:11:04,737
Mike, time to get up.

192
00:11:05,281 --> 00:11:06,339
Come on.

193
00:11:06,515 --> 00:11:10,178
We gotta get the turkey in the oven.
I gotta start boiling potatoes.

194
00:11:10,353 --> 00:11:11,752
Mike.

195
00:11:12,321 --> 00:11:14,516
What? What's going on?

196
00:11:15,057 --> 00:11:16,649
Take off the machine and get up.

197
00:11:16,826 --> 00:11:18,453
MlKE:
Ugh, what time is it?

198
00:11:18,627 --> 00:11:21,095
It's 5 a.m.
We gotta get the meal started.

199
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:23,197
It's still dark outside.

200
00:11:23,366 --> 00:11:26,358
Well, that giant turkey
needs 1 1 hours to cook.

201
00:11:26,535 --> 00:11:29,766
This giant man
needs eight hours of sleep.

202
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:32,103
Get up.

203
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,340
[MACHlNE BEEPS THEN MlKE GASPS]

204
00:11:37,513 --> 00:11:39,504
What? What happened?

205
00:11:42,218 --> 00:11:44,083
MOLLY:
Ugh, quit your whining.

206
00:11:44,253 --> 00:11:47,450
The only people up this early
are crackheads and prostitutes.

207
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,552
Whoa.

208
00:11:52,728 --> 00:11:55,424
What are you guys doing up so early?

209
00:11:55,598 --> 00:11:57,896
Thanksgiving.
We gotta put the turkey in the oven.

210
00:11:58,067 --> 00:12:02,561
Cool. Wake me up so I don't miss
the big floating Bullwinkle.

211
00:12:04,039 --> 00:12:05,666
She asks me that 12 times a year.

212
00:12:05,841 --> 00:12:08,309
I don't think it has anything to do
with Thanksgiving.

213
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:12,212
All right, I'll preheat the oven
and get the potatoes started.

214
00:12:12,381 --> 00:12:14,645
-You remove the giblets from the turkey.
-Got it.

215
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,546
And the giblets are what and where?

216
00:12:16,719 --> 00:12:20,086
Uh, well, let's see. It says,
"The heart, liver, gizzard and neck...

217
00:12:20,256 --> 00:12:23,657
...which are located in a bag
in the carcass cavity."

218
00:12:26,095 --> 00:12:30,088
Ew, carcass cavity. Two words
you don't ever wanna hear together.

219
00:12:30,399 --> 00:12:32,333
Reach in, pull them out,
throw them away.

220
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:35,664
Can't I just sprinkle brown sugar
over top of the sweet potatoes?

221
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:38,898
-We're not having sweet potatoes.
-You gotta be kidding me.

222
00:12:39,074 --> 00:12:40,473
Giblets, now.

223
00:12:40,643 --> 00:12:42,668
All right, all right.

224
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,247
Oh, this is putrid.

225
00:12:50,719 --> 00:12:53,153
You're a cop.
You've handled dead bodies before.

226
00:12:53,322 --> 00:12:55,847
Yeah, but we don't have to
do this to them.

227
00:12:57,359 --> 00:12:59,725
It's like a gift bag from Jeffrey Dahmer.

228
00:12:59,895 --> 00:13:02,193
Garbage, garbage, garbage.

229
00:13:03,399 --> 00:13:04,627
Okay, what else?

230
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,462
The stuffing from the refrigerator,
put it in the turkey.

231
00:13:07,636 --> 00:13:10,537
When the timer goes off,
put it in the oven.

232
00:13:10,806 --> 00:13:12,433
How come I'm doing all the work?

233
00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:15,441
Would you rather go out to the garage
and haul in tables and chairs...

234
00:13:15,611 --> 00:13:17,602
-...and wash and iron the table linens?
-No.

235
00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:19,611
Well, then shut your piehole.

236
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,276
Good, we're having pie.

237
00:13:26,755 --> 00:13:28,518
[BANGlNG]

238
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:31,883
Oh, God. This can't be good.

239
00:13:34,497 --> 00:13:36,192
What the hell are you doing?

240
00:13:36,765 --> 00:13:41,168
Are you hell-bent on presentation
or can we dismember this bastard?

241
00:13:41,670 --> 00:13:43,001
I told you it was too big.

242
00:13:43,172 --> 00:13:46,471
Well, a smart person would've taken
their oven dimensions to the store.

243
00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:49,543
A smart person would've held
your breathing tube longer.

244
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,505
This is a problem that can be solved.

245
00:13:53,682 --> 00:13:56,207
If memory serves,
you have a barbecue grill out back.

246
00:13:56,385 --> 00:13:57,716
-Yes.
-Well, lucky for you...

247
00:13:57,887 --> 00:14:00,788
-...your boyfriend is Mr. Barbecue.
-Mm, do tell.

248
00:14:00,956 --> 00:14:03,424
I have yet to meet a piece of beef,
pork or poultry...

249
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:07,153
...that I couldn't transform
into a mouthful of smoky goodness.

250
00:14:07,796 --> 00:14:08,922
Fine, do your magic.

251
00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:11,566
FYl, my magic will require steak sauce...

252
00:14:11,734 --> 00:14:14,225
...hot and tangy mustard
and three cans of beer.

253
00:14:14,403 --> 00:14:16,928
-Put beer in the turkey?
-Gonna put beer in the chef.

254
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,233
It's colder than a well digger's ass
out here.

255
00:14:22,411 --> 00:14:25,539
Come on. Light, you son of a bitch.

256
00:14:26,181 --> 00:14:29,150
Mash, you sons of bitches.

257
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,384
Mm. Smells good in here.

258
00:14:33,556 --> 00:14:34,716
Hey, did you make coffee?

259
00:14:34,890 --> 00:14:37,290
Yeah, six hours ago.

260
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:40,121
If you're taking orders,
I love those au gratin potatoes.

261
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,389
Mashed. We're having mashed.

262
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:45,122
[DOORBELL RlNGS]

263
00:14:47,102 --> 00:14:50,162
No, you relax. I'll get it.

264
00:14:51,373 --> 00:14:52,897
I don't wanna waste the Viagra...

265
00:14:53,075 --> 00:14:58,172
...so if I fall asleep later
from all the turkey, soldier on.

266
00:14:59,515 --> 00:15:00,880
Grill's lit.

267
00:15:06,722 --> 00:15:09,589
I might still be drunk from last night...

268
00:15:09,758 --> 00:15:14,957
...but I think I just saw a giant bear
in the backyard with one of its paws on fire.

269
00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:22,064
Mrs. Biggs, you're early.
Really, really early.

270
00:15:22,237 --> 00:15:24,467
Well, I could walk around the block
a few times.

271
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,040
But of course,
I might lose this toe at some point.

272
00:15:27,209 --> 00:15:28,767
No, no, no, come in.

273
00:15:28,944 --> 00:15:31,742
Here. It's my famous
green bean casserole.

274
00:15:31,914 --> 00:15:35,008
If anybody asks,
the secret ingredient is salt.

275
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,118
Ooh, heh, that sounds delicious.

276
00:15:37,286 --> 00:15:40,312
I came over early to see
if I could pitch in and help.

277
00:15:40,489 --> 00:15:42,980
Well, I think everything's
pretty well taken care of.

278
00:15:43,158 --> 00:15:45,626
Why don't you just sit down
and make yourself at home.

279
00:15:45,794 --> 00:15:49,389
Is Jim allowed on the furniture
or are you an animal hater?

280
00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:52,163
No, it's fine. I mean, he's clean, right?

281
00:15:52,334 --> 00:15:56,771
Oh, yeah. He had his anal glands
expressed a couple days ago.

282
00:15:56,939 --> 00:15:58,930
He's cleaner back there than you or me.

283
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,441
-Can I get you something to drink?
-Uh...

284
00:16:04,613 --> 00:16:07,673
...three fingers of Canadian whiskey
with a splash of Tab.

285
00:16:07,850 --> 00:16:09,613
And if we don't have Canadian whiskey?

286
00:16:09,785 --> 00:16:12,219
Then forget it.
I got a cough drop in my purse.

287
00:16:14,423 --> 00:16:17,620
-What the hell are you guys doing?
-Vince made mimosas.

288
00:16:17,793 --> 00:16:20,523
You were all out of orange juice,
so I used Sunny Delight.

289
00:16:20,696 --> 00:16:22,163
[SPEAKS lN lTALlAN]

290
00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:24,292
What is that smell?

291
00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:27,526
Could be the crescent rolls
or it could be your boyfriend's hand.

292
00:16:27,703 --> 00:16:29,227
[LAUGHlNG]

293
00:16:30,205 --> 00:16:32,366
Somebody's gotta go
talk to Mike's mom.

294
00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:33,965
I'll do it.

295
00:16:36,478 --> 00:16:38,912
Ugh, the weird thing is,
you are my first choice.

296
00:16:43,452 --> 00:16:44,714
Tough guy, huh?

297
00:16:44,887 --> 00:16:47,515
Well, say hello to my little friend. Unh!

298
00:16:48,857 --> 00:16:50,916
Mike, I need you inside.

299
00:16:51,493 --> 00:16:53,017
But I gotta watch the turkey.

300
00:16:53,562 --> 00:16:55,427
No, now. Your mom's here.

301
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:57,861
I either need you or your Taser.

302
00:16:58,033 --> 00:17:01,696
But I could only get one side lit,
so I gotta turn it every 10 minutes.

303
00:17:01,870 --> 00:17:04,930
And every time I open the lid,
the turkey ices over.

304
00:17:05,474 --> 00:17:07,772
So how long is it gonna be
before it's done?

305
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:11,743
Smart money's on Christmas,
around 5, 5:30.

306
00:17:12,548 --> 00:17:14,846
God, could this day get any worse?

307
00:17:15,017 --> 00:17:16,416
You're not enjoying yourself?

308
00:17:16,585 --> 00:17:20,077
Because I was just standing out here
thinking what a great day this is.

309
00:17:20,255 --> 00:17:21,517
How do you figure?

310
00:17:21,824 --> 00:17:23,849
I woke up laying next to you.

311
00:17:24,026 --> 00:17:27,052
We're spending our first
Thanksgiving together.

312
00:17:27,229 --> 00:17:29,424
I don't know how it gets
any better than that.

313
00:17:33,702 --> 00:17:36,466
Whoops. It just got better.

314
00:17:42,344 --> 00:17:44,039
So Molly tells me you're a widow.

315
00:17:44,213 --> 00:17:47,580
Yeah, my husband passed away
when the girls were still little.

316
00:17:47,750 --> 00:17:51,379
You're lucky. Mine fell in love with a whore
and ran off to God-knows-where.

317
00:17:51,553 --> 00:17:54,113
At least you know where yours is.

318
00:17:54,623 --> 00:17:55,817
Let me tell you something.

319
00:17:55,991 --> 00:18:00,553
Your ex-husband's an idiot because
you're still a very handsome woman...

320
00:18:00,729 --> 00:18:03,892
...even with the weird dog
and the bad toe.

321
00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:07,932
Who the hell are you?

322
00:18:09,938 --> 00:18:10,996
Listen, everybody.

323
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:14,199
For those of you who had
your hearts set on turkey today...

324
00:18:14,376 --> 00:18:16,401
...we got a teeny bit of bad news.

325
00:18:16,578 --> 00:18:18,569
-You burn it?
-Only on the outside.

326
00:18:18,747 --> 00:18:21,147
On the inside, it's a glacier.

327
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,613
Well, don't worry about it, dear.

328
00:18:23,786 --> 00:18:27,745
We all muck up our first couple of turkeys.
That's why the Lord invented gravy.

329
00:18:27,923 --> 00:18:30,414
Let's see what we can salvage
of this bird.

330
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,019
Thank you, Mrs. Biggs.

331
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,287
How are you fixed for salt?

332
00:18:36,331 --> 00:18:38,925
-Knock, knock.
-Happy Thanksgiving.

333
00:18:39,101 --> 00:18:40,966
MlKE: Happy Thanksgiving.
-Hey.

334
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:42,667
Nice hat.

335
00:18:43,238 --> 00:18:45,069
Thank you.

336
00:18:47,176 --> 00:18:49,007
[WHlSPERS]
Egg salad.

337
00:18:53,949 --> 00:18:56,008
[CHATTERlNG]

338
00:18:56,952 --> 00:18:58,943
[TAPPlNG ON GLASS]

339
00:19:01,156 --> 00:19:02,180
You know, uh...

340
00:19:02,357 --> 00:19:05,087
...when Molly decided she wanted
to throw a big Thanksgiving dinner...

341
00:19:05,260 --> 00:19:08,058
...I said, "Are you crazy?
Do you know how much work that is?"

342
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,095
-Remember, sweetie?
-Mm-hm.

343
00:19:11,366 --> 00:19:16,929
And, uh, although it may not look
exactly like the cover of a magazine...

344
00:19:17,105 --> 00:19:18,629
... it looks beautiful to me.

345
00:19:18,974 --> 00:19:23,877
And I'm thankful to be here with
my mom and Joyce, Victoria and....

346
00:19:24,046 --> 00:19:26,514
-I'm sorry?
-Vincent Moranto.

347
00:19:26,682 --> 00:19:29,378
I'm dating the mom, not the gumdrop.

348
00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:34,379
And of course, Carl and Nana.

349
00:19:34,723 --> 00:19:36,315
You're like my second family.

350
00:19:36,491 --> 00:19:39,824
And Samuel, I'm so happy
you could join us this year and bring, uh....

351
00:19:40,195 --> 00:19:43,062
-Sorry, you gotta help me out.
-Mamadou, Moustapha...

352
00:19:43,232 --> 00:19:46,565
...Souleymane, Aziz and Frank.

353
00:19:48,971 --> 00:19:50,563
Got it. Next year, name tags.

354
00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:53,332
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

355
00:19:53,508 --> 00:19:56,443
ALL:
Happy Thanksgiving.

356
00:19:58,413 --> 00:19:59,437
MOLLY:
I'll pass the salt.

357
00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,048
VlCTORlA:
Oh, yeah.

358
00:20:01,216 --> 00:20:02,843
[ALL SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

359
00:20:03,018 --> 00:20:05,782
NANA:
I know, I think I'm getting full.

360
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:07,854
PEGGY:
No, that's it.

361
00:20:09,258 --> 00:20:12,694
NANA: Ain't nothing missing on my plate.
CARL: Could you pass the stuffing?

362
00:20:14,029 --> 00:20:15,792
VlCTORlA:
Oh, yeah.

363
00:20:47,696 --> 00:20:49,687
[English - US - SDH]