1
00:00:00,206 --> 00:00:02,781
Kids, in the winter of 2010,
2
00:00:02,795 --> 00:00:05,897
we had a new addition
to our little group-- Zoey.
3
00:00:05,898 --> 00:00:08,366
Zoey was married to...
The Captain.
4
00:00:08,367 --> 00:00:10,768
Boys! Great to see you!
5
00:00:10,769 --> 00:00:11,869
Looking smart.
6
00:00:11,870 --> 00:00:13,738
Have a wonderful time
tonight, okay?
7
00:00:13,739 --> 00:00:16,140
Okay.
8
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,842
That man is terrifying.
9
00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:20,344
Everything he said was nice,
but I am profoundly scared.
10
00:00:20,345 --> 00:00:22,113
Keep smiling.
He can still see us.
11
00:00:22,114 --> 00:00:23,347
(all murmuring)
12
00:00:23,348 --> 00:00:25,283
NARRATOR: There was
just something about him.
13
00:00:25,284 --> 00:00:28,019
We couldn't put
our finger on it until...
14
00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:29,654
I figured it out!
15
00:00:30,589 --> 00:00:32,790
I know what's so creepy
about The Captain.
16
00:00:32,791 --> 00:00:33,724
Okay.
17
00:00:35,561 --> 00:00:36,994
(all scream)
Yeah.
18
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,162
I snapped this
photo of him
19
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,664
last time he dropped off Zoey.
20
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:40,932
Observe.
21
00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:43,034
The bottom half
of his face... is smiling.
22
00:00:43,035 --> 00:00:44,702
LILY: Oh. Look,
he seems happy.
23
00:00:44,703 --> 00:00:46,904
Seems like a nice guy.
24
00:00:46,905 --> 00:00:48,005
(all murmur happily)
25
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,174
But the top half of his face...
26
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:50,908
(all gasp)
27
00:00:50,909 --> 00:00:52,109
...wants to murder you!
28
00:00:52,110 --> 00:00:54,111
Cheerful.
29
00:00:54,112 --> 00:00:55,613
(all screaming)
Wants to murder you.
30
00:00:55,614 --> 00:00:57,248
No. Cheerful.
31
00:00:57,249 --> 00:00:58,983
(all scream)
Wants to murder you.
32
00:00:58,984 --> 00:01:01,252
Now, hold on.
Let me ask him a question.
33
00:01:01,253 --> 00:01:04,422
Captain,
what do you think of ice cream?
34
00:01:04,423 --> 00:01:05,756
Oh, he loves it!
35
00:01:05,757 --> 00:01:07,758
Captain, what do you
think of rainy days?
36
00:01:07,759 --> 00:01:10,027
(gasps) Whoa, he hates them.
37
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:12,530
Captain, quick question:
38
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,398
How do you feel about
the Jonas Brothers? Ooh.
39
00:01:14,399 --> 00:01:15,600
Ooh.
Ooh.
40
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:19,470
What-What is that?
41
00:01:19,471 --> 00:01:21,172
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
42
00:01:21,173 --> 00:01:23,941
He hates that he loves them.
43
00:01:23,942 --> 00:01:25,309
(all murmur):
Ah!
44
00:01:25,310 --> 00:01:29,146
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION,
45
00:01:29,147 --> 00:01:33,150
CBS
46
00:01:33,151 --> 00:01:37,388
and TOYOTA.
47
00:01:38,123 --> 00:01:39,423
Great. Okay.
48
00:01:39,424 --> 00:01:40,858
Hey, guys, Zoey just told me
49
00:01:40,859 --> 00:01:42,894
about this great Frank Lloyd
Wright retrospective tonight.
50
00:01:42,895 --> 00:01:44,095
Who's in?
51
00:01:44,096 --> 00:01:46,130
Sorry, I'm, uh, I...
52
00:01:46,131 --> 00:01:47,932
I- I don't know,
washing my hair.
53
00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:48,699
Running the water.
54
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:49,800
Holding the towel.
55
00:01:49,801 --> 00:01:50,935
And I'll be home
56
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:52,203
trying to get over the fact
57
00:01:52,204 --> 00:01:54,038
that no one invited me
to the big hair washing party.
58
00:01:54,039 --> 00:01:56,340
All right, fine.
Guess it'll just be me and Zoey.
59
00:01:56,341 --> 00:01:58,209
Oh, wait.
Just the two of you?
60
00:01:58,210 --> 00:02:00,111
Tread lightly, Mosby.
61
00:02:00,112 --> 00:02:01,045
Any time
62
00:02:01,046 --> 00:02:02,346
a single guy hangs out
63
00:02:02,347 --> 00:02:03,481
with a married woman,
64
00:02:03,482 --> 00:02:05,283
there are rules
that must be followed.
65
00:02:05,284 --> 00:02:06,951
Rule number one...
66
00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:08,452
Don't use
the husband's condoms.
67
00:02:08,453 --> 00:02:10,087
That's just rude.
68
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,657
Rule number one:
69
00:02:12,658 --> 00:02:15,593
don't go anywhere
that has candles.
70
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,962
Excuse me, Captain,
how do you feel
71
00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:20,998
about Ted and Zoey having
an intimate chat by candlelight?
72
00:02:20,999 --> 00:02:22,166
Mm-hmm...
73
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:23,301
(yelling)
74
00:02:23,302 --> 00:02:25,636
It'll be the last dinner
they ever have.
75
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,939
Rule number two:
76
00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:29,373
No sharing food.
Hmm.
77
00:02:29,374 --> 00:02:31,943
In fact, anything involving
saliva is off-limits.
78
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:34,578
Toothbrushes,
thermometers, lipstick.
79
00:02:34,579 --> 00:02:35,746
Well, if I can't share
her lipstick,
80
00:02:35,747 --> 00:02:36,881
there's really no point
in even going.
81
00:02:36,882 --> 00:02:39,450
And the most
important rule of all...
82
00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:42,119
Lubricant is public
property. (Robin groans)
83
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:42,853
Please.
84
00:02:42,854 --> 00:02:44,388
No lying to the spouse
85
00:02:44,389 --> 00:02:46,490
about anything you do.
86
00:02:46,491 --> 00:02:47,625
Why would anyone lie?
87
00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:48,759
Look, Zoey and I
are just friends.
88
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,061
If there was anything more
than that,
89
00:02:50,062 --> 00:02:51,262
I wouldn't hang out with her.
90
00:02:51,263 --> 00:02:53,164
Lily's right, Ted.
Once you're married,
91
00:02:53,165 --> 00:02:54,498
it's very hard to be friends
92
00:02:54,499 --> 00:02:57,034
with a single person of the
opposite sex. ROBIN: Yeah.
93
00:02:57,035 --> 00:02:58,502
Unless you're old friends,
which is why
94
00:02:58,503 --> 00:03:00,504
I can hang out
with Marshall whenever I want.
95
00:03:00,505 --> 00:03:01,605
Right, Marsh Madness?
96
00:03:01,606 --> 00:03:02,974
No doubt, Robo Cop.
97
00:03:04,343 --> 00:03:05,743
You two never hang out alone.
98
00:03:05,744 --> 00:03:07,712
You just made up those nicknames
right now.
99
00:03:07,713 --> 00:03:08,980
I guess it's true.
100
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,148
You and I never really
hang out alone.
101
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:13,718
Well, let's. Let's have dinner
together, just the two of us.
102
00:03:13,719 --> 00:03:14,986
Oh! Sweet.
103
00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:16,921
No candles.
104
00:03:16,922 --> 00:03:18,990
BOTH:
No candles.
105
00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:21,125
Lily, I guess that leaves
just you and me. Want to hang?
106
00:03:21,126 --> 00:03:23,160
NARRATOR: And then Lily
said something to Barney
107
00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,129
that insulted every fiber
of his being.
108
00:03:25,130 --> 00:03:26,564
Nah.
109
00:03:26,565 --> 00:03:28,065
(gasps)
110
00:03:28,066 --> 00:03:30,534
NARRATOR: Wait. No. It had
to be more than just, "Nah."
111
00:03:30,535 --> 00:03:31,669
Oh, I think she said...
112
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:35,906
You're a big...
stupid octopus head!
113
00:03:35,907 --> 00:03:37,108
(gasps)
114
00:03:37,109 --> 00:03:38,542
NARRATOR:
No, that doesn't make sense.
115
00:03:38,543 --> 00:03:41,145
Okay, hang on.
What did she say?
116
00:03:41,146 --> 00:03:45,916
She said, um, uh...
117
00:03:45,917 --> 00:03:48,819
To be honest kids, I'm having
a little trouble remembering
118
00:03:48,820 --> 00:03:50,521
exactly what their fight
was about.
119
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,156
Hey, it was 20 years ago!
120
00:03:52,157 --> 00:03:53,324
I'll remember.
121
00:03:53,325 --> 00:03:54,759
Anyway, the next night...
122
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,228
Well, Lily,
you were right.
123
00:03:57,229 --> 00:04:00,531
Something weird happened
with Zoey last night.
124
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:03,834
(phone plays "Anchors Aweigh")
Oh, that's the Captain.
125
00:04:03,835 --> 00:04:05,703
Yes, I call my husband
The Captain,
126
00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:08,906
but that is the only concession
I make to his seafaring ways.
127
00:04:08,907 --> 00:04:10,341
Hang on.
128
00:04:10,342 --> 00:04:11,709
Ahoy.
129
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,445
I'm just out with friends.
130
00:04:14,446 --> 00:04:16,313
Friends. Plural.
131
00:04:16,314 --> 00:04:18,549
Like-Like there was more
than one of me.
132
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:19,784
Ew! Ew!
133
00:04:19,785 --> 00:04:22,553
She lied
to her husband? Uh-oh.
134
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,355
So, what did you do?
135
00:04:24,356 --> 00:04:27,792
Uh, Zoey, um, did you just say
you were out with friends?
136
00:04:27,793 --> 00:04:29,927
Yeah. The Captain's
on his way home from Milan.
137
00:04:29,928 --> 00:04:31,595
He can get a little jealous
sometimes,
138
00:04:31,596 --> 00:04:33,697
so I didn't want
to make him worry.
139
00:04:34,533 --> 00:04:35,499
Is that okay?
140
00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,368
It's totally okay.
141
00:04:37,369 --> 00:04:39,737
It's not okay! I didn't
really think it was okay!
142
00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:42,373
Pur-leez! You lie to
your husband all the time.
143
00:04:42,374 --> 00:04:44,642
"Uh, uh, that shirt
looks great on you""
144
00:04:44,643 --> 00:04:46,444
"I love your mom""
145
00:04:46,445 --> 00:04:48,879
"I never fantasize about
Barney when we're doing it""
146
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,415
Sound familiar, Pinocchio?
147
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,683
(scoffs)
148
00:04:52,684 --> 00:04:53,884
What's wrong
with this shirt?
149
00:04:53,885 --> 00:04:56,053
TED:
Lily, ruling.
150
00:04:56,054 --> 00:04:57,388
Do I have to stop
151
00:04:57,389 --> 00:04:58,923
hanging out with Zoey?
152
00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:01,025
No, you just need
to spend time
153
00:05:01,026 --> 00:05:03,094
with her
and The Captain together.
154
00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:04,929
If you're friends
with the both of them,
155
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,363
then there's not a problem.
156
00:05:06,364 --> 00:05:08,766
Actually, I do have a standing
invitation from The Captain
157
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:11,235
to go for a ride with them
on his boat.
158
00:05:11,236 --> 00:05:14,238
Great. So go make nice
with Captain Creepy,
159
00:05:14,239 --> 00:05:15,439
and problem solved.
160
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,541
NARRATOR:
The next night,
161
00:05:17,542 --> 00:05:19,310
Marshall and Robin went
to dinner,
162
00:05:19,311 --> 00:05:20,878
just the two of them.
163
00:05:20,879 --> 00:05:22,046
Now historically,
164
00:05:22,047 --> 00:05:24,081
they had three solid
conversation topics:
165
00:05:24,082 --> 00:05:25,416
cold weather...
166
00:05:25,417 --> 00:05:28,185
December chill-- so great.
167
00:05:28,186 --> 00:05:29,820
Totally.
168
00:05:31,423 --> 00:05:33,357
NARRATOR:
...sports...
169
00:05:33,358 --> 00:05:35,392
Did you catch
170
00:05:35,393 --> 00:05:37,862
the game last night?
171
00:05:37,863 --> 00:05:40,931
Yeah. Nail-biter.
172
00:05:41,833 --> 00:05:45,002
NARRATOR:
...and cold weather sports.
173
00:05:45,003 --> 00:05:46,804
You know what's fun?
Mm.
174
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,172
Is cold weather sports.
175
00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:50,141
They are fun.
176
00:05:50,142 --> 00:05:53,744
NARRATOR: They blew through
them all in the first 16 seconds.
177
00:05:53,745 --> 00:05:56,080
ROBIN:
Man, this is awkward.
178
00:05:56,081 --> 00:05:58,482
MARSHALL:
She's giving me nothing!
179
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,751
He's just staring at me!
180
00:06:00,752 --> 00:06:02,653
She's just staring at me!
181
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,922
It's making me nervous.
182
00:06:04,923 --> 00:06:06,924
Great, now my left eye
is twitching.
183
00:06:06,925 --> 00:06:08,559
Marshall, it's cool.
184
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,227
She doesn't see it.
185
00:06:10,228 --> 00:06:13,264
What the hell's going on
with his eye?
186
00:06:13,265 --> 00:06:15,499
Am I supposed to not talk
about that?
187
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:19,069
Great, now
my right eye is doing it.
188
00:06:21,706 --> 00:06:23,340
Can I get you two some drinks?
189
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,209
Lots of drinks.
Oh, so many drinks.
190
00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:28,112
NARRATOR: That same night, Barney
and Lily were still fighting
191
00:06:28,113 --> 00:06:29,647
about, um... something.
192
00:06:29,648 --> 00:06:31,849
Or was it that other thing?
193
00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,284
Barney.
Save it, Lily.
194
00:06:33,285 --> 00:06:35,553
I am still mad at you for...
195
00:06:35,554 --> 00:06:38,656
something, and for
that other thing.
196
00:06:38,657 --> 00:06:41,125
Look, I'm sorry
I hurt your feelings.
197
00:06:41,126 --> 00:06:42,626
But let's be honest.
198
00:06:42,627 --> 00:06:44,828
You've been super
sensitive lately.
199
00:06:44,829 --> 00:06:46,964
(crying):
No, I haven't!
200
00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:49,366
God, how can you say that?!
201
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,168
Watch out!
(yells)
202
00:06:51,169 --> 00:06:53,404
NARRATOR:
Wait. They were on the street.
203
00:06:53,405 --> 00:06:55,940
Watch out!
Oh!
204
00:06:55,941 --> 00:06:58,909
Wow. Thanks, Lily.
205
00:06:58,910 --> 00:07:01,278
You saved me.
206
00:07:01,279 --> 00:07:03,047
You saved us.
207
00:07:03,748 --> 00:07:06,984
Look, I know
you didn't mean
208
00:07:06,985 --> 00:07:10,087
whatever it was
you said that made me so mad.
209
00:07:10,088 --> 00:07:12,323
I think I probably didn't.
210
00:07:12,324 --> 00:07:15,793
NARRATOR: And just like
that, the fight was over.
211
00:07:15,794 --> 00:07:18,762
You know, kids,
friendship is funny sometimes.
212
00:07:18,763 --> 00:07:20,130
Wait.
213
00:07:20,131 --> 00:07:23,133
I still can't resist
getting one last shot in.
214
00:07:23,134 --> 00:07:24,602
(gasps)
215
00:07:24,603 --> 00:07:27,938
NARRATOR: Like I said, the
fight was just getting started.
216
00:07:38,383 --> 00:07:40,651
Hi, Captain.
217
00:07:40,652 --> 00:07:42,019
The Captain.
218
00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:43,587
Captain.
219
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:44,855
Ahoy, Ted!
220
00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:46,056
Excellent to see you.
221
00:07:46,057 --> 00:07:47,725
Ah, you, too.
Uh, where's Zoey?
222
00:07:47,726 --> 00:07:49,026
Well, I'm afraid
223
00:07:49,027 --> 00:07:51,195
she's feeling a little
under the weather.
224
00:07:51,196 --> 00:07:52,263
Looks like it's just
225
00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:53,831
you, me
226
00:07:53,832 --> 00:07:56,033
and six hours
in frigid international waters.
227
00:07:56,034 --> 00:08:00,938
Or we could stay on dry land,
hang out with some... witnesses.
228
00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:03,607
(laughs)
You're a hoot.
229
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:06,910
I've been looking
forward to this.
230
00:08:09,381 --> 00:08:12,316
For a very long time.
231
00:08:13,485 --> 00:08:14,985
Well, anchors aweigh!
232
00:08:14,986 --> 00:08:17,721
NARRATOR: Kids, here's
one thing I do remember.
233
00:08:17,722 --> 00:08:20,724
I was pretty sure
I was going to die that night.
234
00:08:26,311 --> 00:08:27,678
Mmm.
235
00:08:27,679 --> 00:08:29,213
Mmm.
236
00:08:30,648 --> 00:08:34,051
You know, I had this really
boring poetry class in college.
237
00:08:34,052 --> 00:08:35,385
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
238
00:08:35,386 --> 00:08:38,288
You were just thinking that
this dinner is really boring.
239
00:08:38,289 --> 00:08:41,124
That's what made you think of
your boring class in college.
240
00:08:41,125 --> 00:08:43,160
What?! What? No! No!
No, no, no.
241
00:08:43,161 --> 00:08:44,695
Marshall, no. No. I...
242
00:08:44,696 --> 00:08:48,799
I just saw that board
of specials, and I thought,
243
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,500
you know what sucks?
244
00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:51,735
Being bored.
245
00:08:51,736 --> 00:08:52,903
Which I am not.
246
00:08:52,904 --> 00:08:58,075
So that clears that... right up.
247
00:08:58,076 --> 00:08:59,443
Robin, I'm an attorney.
248
00:08:59,444 --> 00:09:00,611
(sighs)
249
00:09:00,612 --> 00:09:02,145
Fine. This night's
a little awkward.
250
00:09:02,146 --> 00:09:04,982
I guess it's 'cause we never
hang out alone together.
251
00:09:04,983 --> 00:09:06,083
Why is that?
252
00:09:06,084 --> 00:09:08,418
It's 'cause
of The Mermaid Theory.
253
00:09:08,419 --> 00:09:13,056
Two years ago, I had just hired
a new assistant at GNB.
254
00:09:15,426 --> 00:09:18,528
So, who's the eye broccoli?
255
00:09:18,529 --> 00:09:20,897
Okay, that's Iris,
my new assistant.
256
00:09:20,898 --> 00:09:23,066
And yes, she's a little plain,
257
00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:25,869
but I'm married, so that's good.
258
00:09:25,870 --> 00:09:27,204
Mark my words, Marshall.
259
00:09:27,205 --> 00:09:30,173
Someday you will find Iris
so excruciatingly attractive,
260
00:09:30,174 --> 00:09:33,844
you won't be able to look her
directly in the boobs.
261
00:09:37,515 --> 00:09:40,450
I don't think
that's gonna be a problem.
262
00:09:40,451 --> 00:09:43,987
Marshall, do you know how
the myth of mermaids came to be?
263
00:09:43,988 --> 00:09:45,455
I'm sorry. Myth?
264
00:09:45,456 --> 00:09:47,824
It was 300 years ago.
265
00:09:47,825 --> 00:09:50,594
Sailors stuck at sea
would get desperate
266
00:09:50,595 --> 00:09:51,895
for female companionship.
267
00:09:51,896 --> 00:09:55,599
It got so bad
that, eventually,
268
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:59,403
the manatees out in the water
started to look like...
269
00:09:59,404 --> 00:10:01,538
beautiful women.
270
00:10:01,539 --> 00:10:04,975
Mermaids.
271
00:10:06,811 --> 00:10:08,979
Let's go get some tail!
272
00:10:10,815 --> 00:10:12,983
Oh.
273
00:10:14,319 --> 00:10:18,422
You see, every woman, no matter
how initially repugnant,
274
00:10:18,423 --> 00:10:21,458
has a mermaid clock--
the time it takes
275
00:10:21,459 --> 00:10:24,127
for you to realize
you want to bone her.
276
00:10:24,128 --> 00:10:27,097
Sure, today you see Iris
as a manatee.
277
00:10:27,098 --> 00:10:29,299
But she ain't gonna
stay that way.
278
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:34,838
Marshall, your secretary's
mermaid clock starts right now.
279
00:10:34,839 --> 00:10:36,406
(clock ticking)
280
00:10:36,407 --> 00:10:39,276
MARSHALL: And it took one year,
three months, and 16 days,
281
00:10:39,277 --> 00:10:41,378
but eventually...
282
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:43,213
(alarm bell dings)
283
00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:50,354
(panting)
284
00:10:50,355 --> 00:10:51,722
D'oh!
285
00:10:51,723 --> 00:10:53,423
Told you.
286
00:10:53,424 --> 00:10:55,092
The Mermaid Theory.
287
00:10:55,093 --> 00:10:56,259
It's a thing.
288
00:10:56,260 --> 00:10:57,928
You owe me 500 bucks.
289
00:10:57,929 --> 00:10:59,162
Did we bet on this?
290
00:10:59,163 --> 00:11:01,198
Let's say yes.
291
00:11:01,199 --> 00:11:04,101
And that's why we never
hang out alone? Yes.
292
00:11:04,102 --> 00:11:06,870
As Lily's best friend, you are
the last person on the planet
293
00:11:06,871 --> 00:11:08,505
o's allowed
to turn into a mermaid.
294
00:11:08,506 --> 00:11:09,673
Wait, does that mean
295
00:11:09,674 --> 00:11:11,608
that I'm a manatee right now?
296
00:11:14,045 --> 00:11:16,346
Big-time manatee.
297
00:11:16,347 --> 00:11:19,850
What were those
sailors thinking?
298
00:11:19,851 --> 00:11:22,986
Huh. I don't know.
299
00:11:22,987 --> 00:11:27,124
Being out at sea can do
crazy things to a man.
300
00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:29,993
Vast, the sea.
301
00:11:29,994 --> 00:11:32,028
Deep.
302
00:11:32,029 --> 00:11:34,264
Endless.
303
00:11:34,265 --> 00:11:37,667
Going around for miles.
304
00:11:37,668 --> 00:11:42,305
You could scream and scream,
and not a soul would hear you.
305
00:11:43,274 --> 00:11:45,342
Listen to this.
306
00:11:45,343 --> 00:11:46,510
(screams)
307
00:11:46,511 --> 00:11:47,677
Help!
308
00:11:47,678 --> 00:11:49,346
Somebody help me!
309
00:11:49,347 --> 00:11:52,082
I'm trapped on a boat
with a madman!
310
00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:53,717
Help!
311
00:11:56,053 --> 00:11:58,388
See? Nothing.
312
00:11:58,389 --> 00:12:00,257
(laughing)
313
00:12:00,258 --> 00:12:02,759
(both laughing)
314
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,661
(anxious laugh)
He's gonna kill me.
315
00:12:04,662 --> 00:12:05,962
Okay, calm down, Teddy.
316
00:12:05,963 --> 00:12:07,230
He's not jealous.
317
00:12:07,231 --> 00:12:09,232
He hasn't even mentioned Zoey.
318
00:12:09,233 --> 00:12:10,534
So, Ted,
319
00:12:10,535 --> 00:12:15,372
I noticed you've been spending
a lot of time with Zoey.
320
00:12:15,373 --> 00:12:18,508
(terrified scream)
321
00:12:18,509 --> 00:12:20,477
NARRATOR:
Okay, back to Barney and Lily
322
00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:22,512
and whatever the hell
they were fighting about.
323
00:12:22,513 --> 00:12:25,315
Seriously? I step away for
five seconds, and you eat
324
00:12:25,316 --> 00:12:26,817
all my onion rings?
325
00:12:27,418 --> 00:12:29,352
No surprise there.
326
00:12:29,353 --> 00:12:31,087
What's that supposed to mean?
327
00:12:31,088 --> 00:12:33,590
Are you calling me fat?
328
00:12:34,425 --> 00:12:36,359
If there is one thing
you never do,
329
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,463
it is call a woman fat
right to her face!
330
00:12:39,464 --> 00:12:41,531
Wait. Barney's not a woman.
331
00:12:41,532 --> 00:12:44,734
That's right--
Barney wasn't hurt by Lily,
332
00:12:44,735 --> 00:12:47,838
Lily was hurt by Barney.
333
00:12:47,839 --> 00:12:48,905
Want to hang?
334
00:12:48,906 --> 00:12:50,740
Nah.
(gasps)
335
00:12:50,741 --> 00:12:53,643
Watch out!
(gasps)
336
00:12:53,644 --> 00:12:55,378
(panting)
337
00:12:55,379 --> 00:12:58,114
Wow... thanks, Barney.
338
00:12:58,115 --> 00:13:00,817
You saved me.
339
00:13:00,818 --> 00:13:02,385
You saved us.
340
00:13:02,386 --> 00:13:04,754
If there's one thing
you never do,
341
00:13:04,755 --> 00:13:07,624
it's call a woman fat
right to her face!
342
00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:09,726
Okay, now I'm on track.
343
00:13:09,727 --> 00:13:12,162
The rest of this story
should make perfect sense.
344
00:13:12,163 --> 00:13:13,697
Oh, Lily, I'm sorry.
345
00:13:13,698 --> 00:13:15,999
Hey, you want
to see a magic trick?
346
00:13:19,504 --> 00:13:20,470
(eerie whirring)
347
00:13:20,471 --> 00:13:22,372
You're a jerk.
348
00:13:22,373 --> 00:13:24,241
Okay, that makes no sense.
349
00:13:24,242 --> 00:13:26,309
Kids, I'm officially
admitting defeat.
350
00:13:26,310 --> 00:13:28,512
I will never
remember this story.
351
00:13:28,513 --> 00:13:31,014
I'm sorry
for wasting your time.
352
00:13:31,015 --> 00:13:33,650
Ted, let me show you
my harpoon collection.
353
00:13:33,651 --> 00:13:35,819
Just gonna make a quick call.
354
00:13:35,820 --> 00:13:37,087
Hey, silly question.
355
00:13:37,088 --> 00:13:39,189
What are our exact
nautical coordinates?
356
00:13:39,190 --> 00:13:40,824
How now?
357
00:13:40,825 --> 00:13:42,859
Oh, bother.
358
00:13:44,529 --> 00:13:46,062
(sighs) Well...
359
00:13:46,063 --> 00:13:48,398
she's a goner.
360
00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:52,335
By now, the icy tide
has already dropped
361
00:13:52,336 --> 00:13:55,539
its core temperature
to near freezing.
362
00:13:55,540 --> 00:13:58,108
And down it goes.
363
00:13:58,109 --> 00:14:00,310
Now it's at 50 meters.
364
00:14:00,311 --> 00:14:03,780
Complete crushing blackness.
365
00:14:03,781 --> 00:14:05,482
100 meters.
366
00:14:05,483 --> 00:14:07,183
The pressure is so intense,
367
00:14:07,184 --> 00:14:10,153
the keys are popping
right out of its head.
368
00:14:10,154 --> 00:14:12,756
Head?
200 meters.
369
00:14:12,757 --> 00:14:16,293
No one will ever find
its mangled remains,
370
00:14:16,294 --> 00:14:18,728
save for the crustacea
371
00:14:18,729 --> 00:14:22,332
that feed off
its lifeless husk.
372
00:14:22,333 --> 00:14:24,434
Can you hear me now?
373
00:14:24,435 --> 00:14:28,838
No. Because you're
on the bottom of the sea.
374
00:14:29,907 --> 00:14:32,576
Well, I got a big
morning, so...
375
00:14:32,577 --> 00:14:35,378
Dry cleaners, bank, you
know, so... Ted, it's time.
376
00:14:35,379 --> 00:14:36,580
(whimpers)
377
00:14:36,581 --> 00:14:38,815
I have something
for you.
378
00:14:38,816 --> 00:14:40,650
Wait here.
379
00:14:44,121 --> 00:14:46,556
Okay, you got to swim
for it, Mosby.
380
00:14:46,557 --> 00:14:48,391
Man versus sea.
381
00:14:48,392 --> 00:14:49,526
You can do this.
382
00:14:49,527 --> 00:14:51,127
You didn't get
a "Good Effort" ribbon
383
00:14:51,128 --> 00:14:52,696
from the Shaker Heights
JCC Swim Camp
384
00:14:52,697 --> 00:14:54,598
because you don't
have what it takes.
385
00:14:54,599 --> 00:14:55,932
Found it.
386
00:14:55,933 --> 00:14:56,967
Zoey told me
387
00:14:56,968 --> 00:14:58,802
you're a scotch drinker.
388
00:14:58,803 --> 00:15:01,471
I bought this special
for tonight.
389
00:15:01,472 --> 00:15:04,074
And just as I started
to realize that maybe
390
00:15:04,075 --> 00:15:06,810
I wasn't in danger after all,
we hit a bump.
391
00:15:06,811 --> 00:15:08,411
Whoa!
392
00:15:08,412 --> 00:15:10,013
(splash)
393
00:15:10,014 --> 00:15:12,048
Ted?
394
00:15:14,490 --> 00:15:17,058
that if you spend
395
00:15:17,059 --> 00:15:19,594
too much time alone with me,
I'll turn into a mermaid?
396
00:15:19,595 --> 00:15:22,564
Yes. I mean, sure, right now,
you're bald and leathery
397
00:15:22,565 --> 00:15:24,532
ancovered in
a thick layer of blubber...
398
00:15:24,533 --> 00:15:26,167
Am I blushing or...?
399
00:15:26,168 --> 00:15:29,370
...but at some point, my stupid
male brain will transform you
400
00:15:29,371 --> 00:15:33,174
into a foxy fish-babe singin'
401
00:15:33,175 --> 00:15:35,276
"Part of Your World"
to my pants.
402
00:15:35,277 --> 00:15:39,113
Okay, even if that happens, is
there any way to un-mermaid me?
403
00:15:39,114 --> 00:15:41,049
I asked Barney the same thing.
404
00:15:44,353 --> 00:15:46,287
Once mermaid-ified,
there's only one way
405
00:15:46,288 --> 00:15:48,923
a woman can go back to being
unattractive again,
406
00:15:48,924 --> 00:15:50,725
but it's pretty gruesome.
407
00:15:50,726 --> 00:15:52,227
Death?
408
00:15:52,228 --> 00:15:54,662
Worse. Pregnancy.
409
00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,664
If a baby's on board that train,
410
00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:59,067
it is headed straight back
to Manatee City...
411
00:15:59,068 --> 00:16:02,003
where the grass ain't green
and the girls ain't pretty.
412
00:16:02,438 --> 00:16:03,538
Pregnancy?
413
00:16:03,539 --> 00:16:05,940
Mm-hmm.
Once a mermaid gets pregnant,
414
00:16:05,941 --> 00:16:08,676
she becomes a manatee again.
415
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,712
Never thought
I'd say that sentence.
416
00:16:10,713 --> 00:16:11,980
Wait! That's it!
417
00:16:11,981 --> 00:16:14,215
That's what Barney and Lily were
fighting about!
418
00:16:14,216 --> 00:16:15,416
The Mermaid Theory!
419
00:16:15,417 --> 00:16:17,652
But their argument didn't happen
at the same time
420
00:16:17,653 --> 00:16:20,788
as all this other stuff.
I'm literally in the wrong year!
421
00:16:20,789 --> 00:16:23,458
It happened much, much later
when Lily was...
422
00:16:23,459 --> 00:16:24,592
pregnant.
423
00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:26,594
Well, Lily, I guess it's
just you and me.
424
00:16:26,595 --> 00:16:27,595
You wanna hang?
425
00:16:27,596 --> 00:16:28,730
Nah.
426
00:16:28,731 --> 00:16:30,031
(gasps)
427
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:31,232
Whenever we're alone, you spend
428
00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,635
the whole time undressing me
with your eyes.
429
00:16:33,636 --> 00:16:35,303
You even take off my shoes.
430
00:16:35,304 --> 00:16:38,406
High heels chafe my shoulders.
431
00:16:38,407 --> 00:16:40,375
But you don't have to worry
about that anymore.
432
00:16:40,376 --> 00:16:42,810
Ever since you got pregnant,
you're just a big fat manatee.
433
00:16:42,811 --> 00:16:44,279
(gasps)
434
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,215
Well, you're a big...
435
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:49,183
stupid octopus face!
436
00:16:49,184 --> 00:16:53,288
That was it! I remember now!
437
00:16:53,289 --> 00:16:55,890
Wow. Thanks, Barney.
438
00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:57,358
You saved me.
439
00:16:58,227 --> 00:17:01,396
You saved us.
440
00:17:01,397 --> 00:17:04,065
If there's one thing
you never do,
441
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:06,768
it's call a woman "fat"
right to her face!
442
00:17:06,769 --> 00:17:08,036
I'm sorry, Lily.
443
00:17:08,037 --> 00:17:10,638
Hey, you want to see
a magic trick?
444
00:17:14,143 --> 00:17:14,842
Oh...
445
00:17:14,843 --> 00:17:17,312
You're a jerk.
446
00:17:17,313 --> 00:17:19,714
(Barney chuckles)
447
00:17:19,715 --> 00:17:20,949
Hey. Hey, wait.
448
00:17:20,950 --> 00:17:23,451
Come on. I was kid...
Wait, wait, wait!
449
00:17:23,452 --> 00:17:25,653
There's another addendum
to The Mermaid Theory.
450
00:17:25,654 --> 00:17:28,923
A pregnant woman who's become
a manatee can become
451
00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,592
a mermaid again
through one simple act.
452
00:17:30,593 --> 00:17:31,593
What's that?
453
00:17:31,594 --> 00:17:33,861
Breast-feeding. Hot.
454
00:17:33,862 --> 00:17:34,862
Really?
455
00:17:34,863 --> 00:17:36,531
Really.
456
00:17:36,532 --> 00:17:38,866
When those things swell up to
three times their normal size...
457
00:17:38,867 --> 00:17:40,368
so do I.
458
00:17:40,369 --> 00:17:43,071
That's so sweet!
459
00:17:44,006 --> 00:17:46,474
See kids?
Told you I'd get it!
460
00:17:46,475 --> 00:17:50,278
Okay, now we're even!
461
00:17:50,279 --> 00:17:53,247
Yeah, that's the ending
to a whole other story.
462
00:17:53,248 --> 00:17:55,283
We'll get there.
463
00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:57,986
So you really thought
I was gonna kill you?
464
00:17:57,987 --> 00:18:00,622
Well... ish.
465
00:18:00,623 --> 00:18:02,123
Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous.
466
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:05,393
If I wanted to kill you, I'd
invite you to my hunting lodge.
467
00:18:05,394 --> 00:18:08,329
It's far more remote,
and I wouldn't have
468
00:18:08,330 --> 00:18:12,200
to worry about you turning up in
some nosy fisherman's net.
469
00:18:12,201 --> 00:18:13,534
See? It's stuff like that.
470
00:18:13,535 --> 00:18:15,003
Why-why do you talk that way?
471
00:18:15,004 --> 00:18:17,105
Oh, I'm just jesting for sport.
472
00:18:18,774 --> 00:18:22,410
See, sometimes I don't
bond as well
473
00:18:22,411 --> 00:18:24,312
with Zoey's younger friends.
474
00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:26,914
But I know she really likes you.
475
00:18:27,950 --> 00:18:30,752
I was hoping that maybe
we could be buddies.
476
00:18:30,753 --> 00:18:33,721
We can.
477
00:18:33,722 --> 00:18:35,723
We can be buddies.
478
00:18:35,724 --> 00:18:37,325
Just not on a boat.
479
00:18:37,326 --> 00:18:38,626
Fair enough.
480
00:18:38,627 --> 00:18:39,927
The hunting lodge it is.
481
00:18:41,630 --> 00:18:43,164
Ho-ho-ho!
482
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:46,200
(slurring): You know, once we
stopped trying to have a conversation
483
00:18:46,201 --> 00:18:48,236
and just focused on
the drinking...
484
00:18:48,237 --> 00:18:49,637
I had fun.
485
00:18:49,638 --> 00:18:50,738
Yeah, me, too.
486
00:18:50,739 --> 00:18:52,640
And then a terrible thing
happened.
487
00:18:52,641 --> 00:18:54,108
Marshall's beer goggles
kicked in
488
00:18:54,109 --> 00:18:56,944
and his very drunk mind started
to see...
489
00:18:59,648 --> 00:19:03,284
No... No, no!
490
00:19:03,285 --> 00:19:04,952
No! No,
491
00:19:04,953 --> 00:19:06,254
don't turn!
492
00:19:06,255 --> 00:19:08,790
Uh-oh.
493
00:19:08,791 --> 00:19:10,625
I don't feel so good.
494
00:19:12,127 --> 00:19:14,962
(vomits)
495
00:19:14,963 --> 00:19:19,133
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
I am, I am so sorry!
496
00:19:19,134 --> 00:19:23,037
Oh! You must think
I'm totally disgusting.
497
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:25,339
I really do.
498
00:19:28,610 --> 00:19:30,011
And from that moment on
499
00:19:30,012 --> 00:19:31,112
Marshall never worried
500
00:19:31,113 --> 00:19:32,780
about Robin becoming
a mermaid again,
501
00:19:32,781 --> 00:19:35,216
and the two of them were
closer than ever.
502
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:36,751
There you go.
503
00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:38,219
Hey, Ted.
504
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:39,654
Hey. You feeling
better?
505
00:19:39,655 --> 00:19:41,989
I have a confession
to make.
506
00:19:41,990 --> 00:19:45,059
I wasn't really sick.
507
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:45,893
You weren't?
508
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:46,894
I'm sorry.
509
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,329
I was just feeling guilty
510
00:19:48,330 --> 00:19:50,131
that I lied
to The Captain and...
511
00:19:50,132 --> 00:19:53,601
I don't know, I just thought it
would be good
512
00:19:53,602 --> 00:19:55,636
if you two spent some time
together.
513
00:19:55,637 --> 00:19:56,904
I get it.
514
00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:58,005
And you were right.
515
00:19:58,006 --> 00:19:59,507
He's a nice guy.
516
00:19:59,508 --> 00:20:01,776
I mean, he can be
a little scary.
517
00:20:01,777 --> 00:20:04,979
Yeah, he gets a little murder-y
when he's nervous.
518
00:20:04,980 --> 00:20:06,748
Yeah, he's a creepy dude.
519
00:20:07,282 --> 00:20:08,249
But I like him.
520
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,485
And I just want to make sure
521
00:20:10,486 --> 00:20:12,386
you and I hanging out
522
00:20:12,387 --> 00:20:14,956
doesn't, you know,
cross any lines.
523
00:20:14,957 --> 00:20:16,357
Me, too.
524
00:20:16,358 --> 00:20:19,093
I mean, if either one of us had
even the slightest hint
525
00:20:19,094 --> 00:20:21,562
of feelings for the other,
we shouldn't hang out.
526
00:20:21,563 --> 00:20:23,331
You don't, do you?
527
00:20:23,332 --> 00:20:25,833
No. Do you?
528
00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:27,735
No.
529
00:20:28,537 --> 00:20:30,972
(clock ticking)
530
00:20:35,926 --> 00:20:37,727
Still no sign
of land.
531
00:20:37,728 --> 00:20:41,097
It's been 243 days
since we've seen
532
00:20:41,098 --> 00:20:43,132
another living soul.
533
00:20:53,577 --> 00:20:55,611
What are you looking at?
534
00:20:58,515 --> 00:21:00,783
Dude, we need
to find land.
535
00:21:00,784 --> 00:21:03,486
Transcript by Addic7ed.com
www.addic7ed.com