1 00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:03,665 [Ted Narrating] Kids, in the winter of 2010... 2 00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:05,738 we had a new addition to our little group... Zoey. 3 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:09,070 - Zoey! - Zoey was married to the Captain. 4 00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:11,507 Boys. Great to see you. 5 00:00:11,611 --> 00:00:14,671 Looking smart. Have a wonderful time tonight, okay? 6 00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:16,840 Okay. 7 00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:19,308 That man is terrifying. 8 00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,683 Everything he said was nice, but I'm profoundly scared. 9 00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:24,279 - Keep smiling. He can still see us. - Okay. Bye. 10 00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:26,291 There was just something about him. 11 00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:28,759 We couldn't put our finger on it until... 12 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,227 I figured it out! 13 00:00:31,464 --> 00:00:33,523 I know what's so creepy about the Captain. 14 00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,362 Okay. 15 00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:37,765 - [All Scream] - Yeah. 16 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,305 I snapped this photo of him last time he dropped off Zoey. 17 00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:41,635 Observe. 18 00:00:41,741 --> 00:00:43,709 The bottom half of his face... 19 00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,245 is smiling. 20 00:00:46,346 --> 00:00:48,712 Look, he seems happy. Seems like a nice guy. 21 00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:50,908 But the top half of his face... 22 00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:52,848 - [All Yell] - wants to murder you. 23 00:00:52,952 --> 00:00:54,886 Cheerful. 24 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,546 - [All Yell] - Wants to murder you. 25 00:00:56,656 --> 00:00:58,055 No, cheerful. 26 00:00:58,158 --> 00:00:59,785 - [All Yell] - Wants to murder you! 27 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,724 Now hold on. Let me ask him a question. 28 00:01:01,828 --> 00:01:04,126 Captain, what do you think of ice cream? 29 00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:06,496 - Oh, he loves it. - [Lily] Ahhh. 30 00:01:06,599 --> 00:01:08,590 - Captain, what do you think of rainy days? - [Lily] Aaah. 31 00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:10,726 Oh, he hates 'em. 32 00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:13,035 Captain, quick question. 33 00:01:13,139 --> 00:01:16,165 - How do you feel about the Jonas Brothers? - Ooh! 34 00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:21,912 - W-What is that? - I don't get it. 35 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,745 He hates that he loves them. 36 00:01:24,851 --> 00:01:25,909 [All] Ohh! 37 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,487 ##[Upbeat Pop] 38 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,921 ##[Man Vocalizing] 39 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,824 ##[Ends] 40 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,160 Great. Okay. 41 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:42,291 Hey, guys. Zoey just told me about... 44 00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,672 I'm, uh... l-I don't know, washing my hair. 45 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,504 - Running the water. - Holding the towel. 46 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,510 And I'll be home trying to get over the fact... 47 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,773 that no one invited me to the big hair-washing party. 48 00:01:54,881 --> 00:01:57,111 All right. Fine. Guess it'll just be me and Zoey. 49 00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:59,651 Oh, wait. Just the two of you? 50 00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:01,777 Tread lightly, Mosby. 51 00:02:01,888 --> 00:02:03,913 Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman... 52 00:02:04,023 --> 00:02:06,355 there are rules that must be followed. 53 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:07,687 Rule number one... 54 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,386 Don't use the husband's condoms. 55 00:02:09,496 --> 00:02:10,793 That's just rude. 56 00:02:10,897 --> 00:02:13,457 - [Marshall Laughs] - Rule number one: 57 00:02:13,566 --> 00:02:16,364 Don't go anywhere that has candles. 58 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,834 Excuse me, Captain. 59 00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,098 How do you feel about Ted and Zoey... 60 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:23,107 having an intimate chat by candlelight? 61 00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:26,201 - [All Yell] - It'll be the last dinner they ever have. 62 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,672 Rule number two: 63 00:02:28,781 --> 00:02:30,339 No sharing food. 64 00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:33,214 In fact, anything involving saliva is off-limits. 65 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:35,378 Toothbrushes, thermometers, lipstick. 66 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,683 If I can't share her lipstick, there's no point in even going. 67 00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:40,258 And the most important rule of all... 68 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,828 Lubricant is public property. 69 00:02:42,929 --> 00:02:44,089 Please. 70 00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:47,223 No lying to the spouse about anything you do. 71 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,893 Why would anyone lie? Zoey and I are just friends. 72 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,028 If there was anything more, I wouldn't hang out with her. 73 00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:53,867 Lily's right, Ted. 74 00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:55,873 Once you're married, it's very hard to be friends... 75 00:02:55,975 --> 00:02:57,840 with a single person of the opposite sex. 76 00:02:57,944 --> 00:02:59,241 Unless you're old friends... 77 00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:01,279 which is why I can hang out with Marshall whenever I want. 78 00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:03,542 - Right, Marsh Madness? - No doubt, RoboCop. 79 00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:05,083 Poof! 80 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,447 You two never hang out alone. 81 00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:08,453 You just made up those nicknames right now. 82 00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,147 I guess it's true. 83 00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:11,951 You and I never really hang out alone. 84 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:13,116 Well, let's. 85 00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:14,454 Let's have dinner together, just the two of us. 86 00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:16,188 Oh! Sweet. 87 00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:17,729 No candles. 88 00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:19,730 - Okay, no candles. - No candles. 89 00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:22,062 Lily, I guess that leaves just you and me. Wanna hang? 90 00:03:22,168 --> 00:03:24,068 [Ted Narrating] And then Lily said something to Barney... 91 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:26,263 that insulted every fiber of his being. 92 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,567 - Nah. - [Gasps] 93 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:32,441 Wait. No. It had to be more than just "nah." Oh, I think she said... 94 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:36,606 You're a big, stupid octopus head! 95 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:37,683 [Gasps] 96 00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:39,376 No, that doesn't make sense. 97 00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:41,817 Okay, hang on. What did she say? 98 00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:46,782 She said, um, uh... 99 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:49,453 Uh, to be honest, kids, I'm having a little trouble... 100 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,723 remembering exactly what their fight was about. 101 00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:54,163 Hey, it was 20 years ago. I'll remember. 102 00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:55,825 Anyway, the next night... 103 00:03:55,935 --> 00:03:57,994 Well, Lily, you were right. 104 00:03:58,104 --> 00:04:01,403 Something weird happened with Zoey last night. 105 00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:04,635 - ## [Cell Phone Rings: "Anchors Aweigh"] - Oh, that's the Captain. 106 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,803 Yes, I call my husband the Captain. 107 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,643 But that is the only concession I make to his seafaring ways. 108 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,444 Hang on. 109 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,246 Ahoy. 110 00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,344 I'm just out with friends. 111 00:04:15,455 --> 00:04:19,255 Friends. Plural. Like there was more than one of me. 112 00:04:19,359 --> 00:04:21,418 Ew! [Shudders] 113 00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:23,256 She lied to her husband? Uh-oh. 114 00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:25,092 So what did you do? 115 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:28,599 Zoey, um, did you just say you were out with friends? 116 00:04:28,701 --> 00:04:30,965 Yeah. The Captain's on his way home from Milan. 117 00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:34,267 He can get a little jealous sometimes, so I didn't want to make him worry. 118 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:38,208 - Is that okay? - It's totally okay. 119 00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:40,506 - It's not okay! - I really didn't think it was okay! 120 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:43,639 "Pur-lease." You lie to your husband all the time. 121 00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:47,117 "Uh, uh, that shirt looks great on you. I love your mom. 122 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:50,087 I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it." 123 00:04:50,189 --> 00:04:52,123 Sound familiar, Pinocchio? 124 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,658 [Scoffs] 125 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,024 What's wrong with this shirt? 126 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:59,656 Lily, ruling. Do I have to stop hanging out with Zoey? 127 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:03,827 No. You just need to spend time with her and the Captain together. 128 00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:07,167 If you're friends with the both of them, then there's not a problem. 129 00:05:07,273 --> 00:05:09,969 Actually, I do have a standing invitation from the Captain... 130 00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:11,976 to go for a ride with them on his boat. 131 00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:16,242 Great. So go make nice with Captain Creepy and problem solved. 132 00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:20,075 [Ted Narrating] The next night, Marshall and Robin went to dinner... 133 00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:21,653 just the two of them. 134 00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:24,814 Now, historically they had three solid conversation topics: 135 00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:26,289 cold weather... 136 00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:28,883 December chill. So great. 137 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,394 Totally. 138 00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:34,866 sports... 139 00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:38,596 Did you catch the game last night? 140 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,500 Yeah. Nail-biter. 141 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,769 and cold-weather sports. 142 00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,904 You know what's fun is cold-weather sports. 143 00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,080 They are fun. 144 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,585 They blew through them all in the first 16 seconds. 145 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,917 [Thinking] Man, this is awkward. 146 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,253 [Thinking] She's giving me nothing. 147 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,452 He's just staring at me. 148 00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:03,927 She's just staring at me. 149 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,554 It's making me nervous. 150 00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:08,225 Great. Now my left eye is twitching. 151 00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:11,098 Marshall, it's cool. She doesn't see it. 152 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:14,173 What the hell's going on with his eye? 153 00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:16,707 Am I supposed to not talk about that? 154 00:06:16,809 --> 00:06:19,642 Great, now my right eye's doing it. 155 00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:23,708 Can I get you two some drinks? 156 00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,114 - Lots of drinks! - Oh, so many drinks! 157 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,881 [Ted Narrating] That same night, Barney and Lily were still fighting... 158 00:06:28,988 --> 00:06:30,888 about, um, something. 159 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:32,890 Or was it that other thing? 160 00:06:32,992 --> 00:06:34,721 - Barney. - Save it, Lily! 161 00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:37,625 I am still mad at you for... something. 162 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,459 And for that other thing. 163 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:42,557 Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. 164 00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:45,569 But let's be honest. You've been supersensitive lately. 165 00:06:45,671 --> 00:06:47,662 [Whimpering] No, I haven't. 166 00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:50,140 God, how can you say that? 167 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,234 - [Crying] - Watch out! 168 00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:54,176 Wait. They were on the street. 169 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:55,713 Watch out! 170 00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:00,342 Wow. Thanks, Lily. 171 00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:03,616 You saved me. You saved us. 172 00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:07,987 Look, I know you didn't mean... 173 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:10,824 whatever it was you said that made me so mad. 174 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:13,262 I think I probably didn't. 175 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:17,299 [Ted Narrating] And just like that, the fight was over. 176 00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:19,496 You know kids, friendship is funny someti... 177 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:20,936 Wait! 178 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,838 I still can't resist getting one last shot in. 179 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,342 [Gasps] 180 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,505 Like I said, the fight was just getting started. 181 00:07:39,725 --> 00:07:41,386 Hi, Captain. 182 00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:43,052 The Captain. 183 00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:44,288 Captain. 184 00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:46,865 Ahoy, Ted. Excellent to see you. 185 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,831 You too. Uh, where's Zoey? 186 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:51,904 Well, I'm afraid she's feeling a little under the weather. 187 00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:56,805 Looks like it's just you, me and six hours in frigid international waters. 188 00:07:57,677 --> 00:07:59,474 Or we could stay on dry land... 189 00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,672 hang out with some witnesses. 190 00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:03,578 [Chuckles] You're a hoot. 191 00:08:05,718 --> 00:08:07,948 I've been looking forward to this... 192 00:08:10,923 --> 00:08:12,891 for a very long time. 193 00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:16,784 Well, anchors aweigh. 194 00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,023 [Ted Narrating] Kids, here's one thing I do remember... 195 00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:22,328 I was pretty sure I was going to die that night. 196 00:08:28,307 --> 00:08:30,366 - Mmm. - Mmm. 197 00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,347 You know, I had this really boring poetry class in college. 198 00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:39,248 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You were just thinkin' that this dinner is really boring. 199 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:42,515 That's what made you think of your boring class in college. 200 00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:44,453 What? What? No, no, no, no, no. 201 00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:49,119 Marshall, no. No, l... I just saw that board of specials. 202 00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:53,028 And I thought, God, you know what sucks? Being bored. 203 00:08:53,132 --> 00:08:55,191 Which I am not. 204 00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:59,362 So that clears that... right up. 205 00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:00,734 Robin, I'm an attorney. 206 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,536 [Sighs] Fine. This night's a little awkward. 207 00:09:03,643 --> 00:09:06,305 I guess it's 'cause we never hang out alone together. 208 00:09:06,412 --> 00:09:09,870 - Why is that? - It's because of the mermaid theory. 209 00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:13,110 [Marshall] Two years ago, I had just hired a new assistant at GNB. 210 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,278 Thanks, Iris. 211 00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:19,918 So, who's the eye broccoli? 212 00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:22,256 Hey, that's Iris, my new assistant. 213 00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:24,454 And, yes, she's a little plain. 214 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,158 But I'm married, so that's good. 215 00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:31,896 Mark my words, Marshall. Someday you will find Iris so excruciatingly attractive... 216 00:09:32,004 --> 00:09:34,996 you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs. 217 00:09:39,011 --> 00:09:41,809 I don't think that's gonna be a problem. 218 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,281 Marshall, do you know how the myth of mermaids came to be? 219 00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:46,749 I'm sorry. Myth? 220 00:09:46,852 --> 00:09:49,412 It was 300 years ago. 221 00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:53,982 Sailors stuck at sea would get desperate for female companionship. 222 00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:58,962 It got so bad that eventually the manatees out in the water... 223 00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:03,399 started to look like beautiful women. 224 00:10:03,502 --> 00:10:05,197 Mermaids. 225 00:10:08,474 --> 00:10:10,772 Let's go get some tail. 226 00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:17,477 You see, every woman... 227 00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:20,381 no matter how initially repugnant... 228 00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:22,010 has a mermaid clock... 229 00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:25,454 the time it takes for you to realize you want to bone her. 230 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,958 Sure, today you see Iris as a manatee. 231 00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:31,360 But she ain't gonna stay that way. 232 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,991 Marshall, your secretary's mermaid clock starts right... 233 00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:37,228 - now. - [Clock Ticking] 234 00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:40,635 [Marshall] And it took one year, three months and 16 days. 235 00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:43,140 - But eventually... - [Ticking Continues] 236 00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:44,368 [Bell Dings] 237 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:54,182 [Gasps] 238 00:10:54,286 --> 00:10:56,447 Told ya. The mermaid theory. 239 00:10:56,555 --> 00:10:59,251 It's a thing. You owe me 500 bucks. 240 00:10:59,358 --> 00:11:02,759 - Did we bet on this? - Let's say yes. 241 00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:05,490 - And that's why we never hang out alone? - Yes. 242 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,896 As Lily's best friend, you are the last person on the planet... 243 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,991 who's allowed to turn into a mermaid. 244 00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:12,764 Wait. Does that mean that I'm a manatee right now? 245 00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:17,704 Big-time manatee. 246 00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:19,175 Whoa! 247 00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:21,178 What were those sailors thinking? 248 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,009 [Scoffs] 249 00:11:23,115 --> 00:11:24,742 I don't know. 250 00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:28,445 Being out at sea can do crazy things to a man. 251 00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:31,455 Vast, the sea. 252 00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:33,252 Deep. 253 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,759 Endless. 254 00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:39,058 No one around for miles. 255 00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:43,465 You could scream and scream, and not a soul would hear you. 256 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,638 Listen to this. 257 00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:48,969 [Screams] Help! 258 00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:50,736 Somebody help me! 259 00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:53,368 I'm trapped on a boat with a madman! 260 00:11:53,479 --> 00:11:54,878 Help! 261 00:11:57,183 --> 00:11:58,912 See? Nothing. 262 00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:01,976 [Laughing] 263 00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:04,249 [Laughing Uneasily] 264 00:12:04,356 --> 00:12:06,551 [Thinking] He's gonna kill me. 265 00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:09,492 Okay, calm down, Teddy. He's not jealous. 266 00:12:09,595 --> 00:12:11,893 He hasn't even mentioned Zoey. 267 00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:15,763 So, Ted, I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Zoey. 268 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,936 [Thinking: Screaming] 269 00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:27,979 Seriously? I step away for five seconds, and you eat all my onion rings? 270 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:30,679 No surprise there. 271 00:12:30,783 --> 00:12:32,410 What's that supposed to mean? 272 00:12:33,552 --> 00:12:35,747 Are you calling me fat? 273 00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:37,948 If there is one thing you never do... 274 00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:40,787 it is call a woman fat right to her face. 275 00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:43,225 [Ted Narrating] Wait. Barney's not a woman. 276 00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:46,457 That's right. Barney wasn't hurt by Lily. 277 00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:49,261 Lily was hurt by Barney. 278 00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,529 - Wanna hang? - Nah. 279 00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,264 - [Gasps] - Watch out! 280 00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:54,964 [Screams] 281 00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:59,476 Whoa. Thanks, Barney. 282 00:12:59,578 --> 00:13:02,138 You saved me. 283 00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:03,943 You saved us. 284 00:13:04,049 --> 00:13:06,381 If there's one thing you never do... 285 00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:10,148 it's call a woman fat right to her face! 286 00:13:10,256 --> 00:13:11,723 [Ted Narrating] Okay, now I'm on track. 287 00:13:11,824 --> 00:13:13,689 The rest of this story should make perfect sense. 288 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:17,194 Oh, Lily, I'm sorry. Hey, you wanna see a magic trick? 289 00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,796 ##[Theremin] 290 00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:25,703 - You're a jerk. - [Ted Narrating] Okay, that makes no sense. 291 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,205 Kids, I'm officially admitting defeat. 292 00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,400 I will never remember this story. 293 00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:32,477 I'm sorry for wasting your time. 294 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,977 Ted, let me show you my harpoon collection. 295 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,480 I'm just gonna make a quick call. 296 00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:40,484 Hey, silly question. What are our exact nautical coordinates? 297 00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:42,247 How now? 298 00:13:42,354 --> 00:13:44,117 Oh, bother. 299 00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:47,691 Well... 300 00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:49,761 she's a goner. 301 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:57,031 By now, the icy tide has already dropped its core temperature to near freezing. 302 00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:59,866 And down it goes. 303 00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:04,671 Now it's at 50 meters... complete, crushing blackness. 304 00:14:05,444 --> 00:14:07,344 100 meters. 305 00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:11,576 The pressure is so intense, the keys are popping right out of its head. 306 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:14,084 - Head? - 200 meters. 307 00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:17,815 No one will ever find its mangled remains... 308 00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:20,357 save for the crustacea... 309 00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:23,257 that feed off its lifeless husk. 310 00:14:24,296 --> 00:14:25,888 Can you hear me now? 311 00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:30,458 No, because you're on the bottom of the sea. 312 00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:34,368 Well, I got a big morning, so... 313 00:14:34,473 --> 00:14:36,703 - Dry cleaners, bank. - Ted, it's time. 314 00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:38,367 [Whimpers] 315 00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:40,342 I have something for you. 316 00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,811 Wait here. 317 00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:47,881 [Thinking] Okay, you gotta swim for it, Mosby. 318 00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:51,081 Man versus sea. You can do this. 319 00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:53,886 You didn't get a "Good Effort"ribbon from the Shaker Heights J. C. C. Swim Camp... 320 00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:55,893 because you don't have what it takes. 321 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,223 Found it. 322 00:14:58,364 --> 00:15:00,730 Zoey told me you're a scotch drinker. 323 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,926 I bought this special for tonight. 324 00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:07,131 [Ted Narrating] And just as I started to realize that maybe I wasn't in danger after all... 325 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,240 we hit a bump. 326 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,264 we hit a bump. 327 00:15:11,443 --> 00:15:12,910 Ted? 328 00:15:16,515 --> 00:15:18,506 Okay, okay, so you're afraid... 329 00:15:18,617 --> 00:15:22,678 that if you spend too much time alone with me, I'll turn into a mermaid? 330 00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:25,780 Yes. I mean, sure, right now you're bald and leathery... 331 00:15:25,891 --> 00:15:27,586 and covered in a thick layer of blubber. 332 00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:29,251 Am I blushing, or... 333 00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:32,694 But at some point, my stupid male brain will transform you... 334 00:15:32,798 --> 00:15:35,631 into a foxy fish-babe... 335 00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:38,362 singing "Part of Your World" to my pants. 336 00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:42,167 Well, even if that happens, is there any way to un-mermaid me? 337 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,208 I asked Barney the same thing. 338 00:15:47,579 --> 00:15:51,709 Once mermaid-ified, there's only one way a woman can go back to being unattractive again. 339 00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:53,785 But it's pretty gruesome. 340 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,285 Death? 341 00:15:55,387 --> 00:15:57,685 Worse. Pregnancy. 342 00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,690 If a baby's on board that train... 343 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,625 it is headed straight back to Manatee City... 344 00:16:02,728 --> 00:16:05,720 where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty. 345 00:16:05,831 --> 00:16:07,662 - Pregnancy? - Mm-hmm. 346 00:16:07,766 --> 00:16:11,668 Once a mermaid gets pregnant, she becomes a manatee again. 347 00:16:11,770 --> 00:16:13,829 Never thought I'd say that sentence. 348 00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:16,999 [Ted Narrating] Waitl That's itl That's what Barney and Lily were fighting aboutl 349 00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:18,770 The mermaid theory. 350 00:16:18,877 --> 00:16:21,778 But their argument didn't happen at the same time as all this other stuff. 351 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,110 I'm literally in the wrong year. 352 00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:27,777 It happened much, much later, when Lily was pregnant. 353 00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:30,650 Well, Lily, I guess it's just you and me. You wanna hang? 354 00:16:30,756 --> 00:16:33,054 - Nah. - [Gasps] 355 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:36,286 Whenever we're alone, you spend the whole time undressing me with your eyes. 356 00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:38,363 You even take off my shoes. 357 00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:41,528 High heels chafe my shoulders. 358 00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:43,328 But you don't have to worry about that anymore. 359 00:16:43,435 --> 00:16:45,835 Ever since you got pregnant, you're just a big, fat manatee. 360 00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:47,565 [Gasps] 361 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:52,474 Well, you're a big, stupid octopus face! 362 00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:55,445 [Ted Narrating] That was it. I remember now. 363 00:16:56,448 --> 00:17:00,248 Wow. Thanks, Barney. You saved me. 364 00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:04,722 You saved us. 365 00:17:04,823 --> 00:17:07,087 If there's one thing you never do... 366 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:09,786 it's call a woman fat right to her face! 367 00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:11,863 I'm sorry, Lily. 368 00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:14,296 Hey, you wanna see a magic trick? 369 00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:20,369 - You're a jerk. - [Laughing] 370 00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:26,541 Hey, hey, wait. Come on. I was ki... Wait, wait, wait. 371 00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:28,738 There is another addendum to the mermaid theory. 372 00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:30,747 A pregnant woman who's become a manatee... 373 00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:33,647 can become a mermaid again through one simple act. 374 00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:35,845 - What's that? - Breast-feeding. 375 00:17:35,954 --> 00:17:37,922 - Hot. - Really? 376 00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:39,615 Really. 377 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:43,422 When those things swell up to three times their normal size, so do I. 378 00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,963 That's so sweet. 379 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,466 - [Sobbing] - [Ted Narrating] See, kids? Told ya I'd get it. 380 00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:54,230 Okay, now we're even. 381 00:17:54,339 --> 00:17:57,001 [Ted Narrating] Yeah, that's the ending to a whole other story. 382 00:17:57,109 --> 00:17:58,777 We'll get there. 383 00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:00,979 So you really thought I was gonna kill you? 384 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,674 Well, "ish." 385 00:18:03,782 --> 00:18:05,682 Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. 386 00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:08,617 If I wanted to kill you, I'd invite you to my hunting lodge. 387 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,347 It's far more remote... 388 00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:15,257 and I wouldn't have to worry about you turning up in some nosy fisherman's net. 389 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:18,022 See, it's stuff like that. Why do you talk that way? 390 00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:19,995 Oh, I'm just jesting for sport. 391 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,332 See, sometimes I don't bond as well... 392 00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,667 with Zoey's younger friends. 393 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,798 But I know she really likes you. 394 00:18:31,143 --> 00:18:33,771 I was hoping that maybe we could be buddies. 395 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:36,774 We can. 396 00:18:36,882 --> 00:18:38,782 We can be buddies. 397 00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:41,375 - Just not on a boat. - Fair enough. 398 00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:43,819 The hunting lodge it is. 399 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,621 - [Giggling] - Whoa! 400 00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:51,287 You know, once we stopped trying to have a conversation and just focused on the drinking... 401 00:18:51,396 --> 00:18:52,693 I had fun. 402 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,026 Yeah, me too. 403 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,033 [Ted Narrating] And then a terrible thing happened. 404 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,932 - [Clock Ticking] - Marshall's beer goggles kicked in... 405 00:18:58,036 --> 00:18:59,833 and his very drunk mind started to see... 406 00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:05,703 No. No! 407 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:08,006 No! No! No! 408 00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,445 Don't turn! 409 00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:14,110 [Groaning] Oh, I don't feel so good. 410 00:19:14,219 --> 00:19:18,053 [Vomiting, Coughing] 411 00:19:18,857 --> 00:19:20,484 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 412 00:19:20,592 --> 00:19:22,924 I am s... I am so sorry. 413 00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:26,088 [Groans] You must think I'm totally disgusting. 414 00:19:26,765 --> 00:19:28,232 I really do. 415 00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:33,965 And from that moment on, Marshall never worried... 416 00:19:34,072 --> 00:19:36,563 about Robin becoming a mermaid again. 417 00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:39,405 And the two of them were closer than ever. 418 00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:42,139 - Hey, Ted. - Hey. 419 00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:45,478 - You feelin' better? - I have a confession to make. 420 00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:48,109 I wasn't really sick. 421 00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:49,949 - You weren't? - I'm sorry. 422 00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:53,957 I was just feeling guilty that I lied to the Captain, and... 423 00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:58,689 I don't know. I just thought it would be good if you two spent some time together. 424 00:19:58,797 --> 00:20:00,128 I get it. 425 00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:02,723 And you were right. He's a nice guy. 426 00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:04,859 I mean, he can be a little scary. 427 00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:08,030 Yeah. He gets a little murdery when he's nervous. 428 00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:09,630 Yeah. He's a creepy dude. 429 00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:12,468 But I like him. 430 00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:14,876 You know, I just... I just wanna make sure... 431 00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:17,972 you and I hanging out doesn't, you know, cross any lines. 432 00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:19,414 Me too. 433 00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:20,917 I mean, if either one of us... 434 00:20:21,019 --> 00:20:23,419 had even the slightest hint of feelings for the other... 435 00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:25,183 w-we shouldn't hang out. 436 00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:28,885 - You don't, do you? - No. Do you? 437 00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:30,621 No. 438 00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:34,223 [Clock Ticking] 439 00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:43,136 Still no sign of land. 440 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:47,508 It's been 243 days since we've seen another living soul. 441 00:20:58,056 --> 00:20:59,921 What are you lookin' at? 442 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,223 Dude, we need to find land. 443 00:21:33,892 --> 00:21:34,859 English - US - SDH