1 00:00:00,206 --> 00:00:02,781 Kids, in the winter of 2010, 2 00:00:02,795 --> 00:00:05,897 we had a new addition to our little group... Zoey. 3 00:00:05,898 --> 00:00:08,366 Zoey was married to... The Captain. 4 00:00:08,367 --> 00:00:10,768 Boys! Great to see you! 5 00:00:10,769 --> 00:00:11,869 Looking smart. 6 00:00:11,870 --> 00:00:13,738 Have a wonderful time tonight, okay? 7 00:00:13,739 --> 00:00:16,140 Okay. 8 00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,842 That man is terrifying. 9 00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:20,344 Everything he said was nice, but I am profoundly scared. 10 00:00:20,345 --> 00:00:22,113 Keep smiling. He can still see us. 11 00:00:23,348 --> 00:00:25,283 There was just something about him. 12 00:00:25,284 --> 00:00:28,019 We couldn't put our finger on it until... 13 00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:29,654 I figured it out! 14 00:00:30,589 --> 00:00:32,790 I know what's so creepy about the Captain. 15 00:00:32,791 --> 00:00:33,724 Okay. 16 00:00:35,561 --> 00:00:36,994 Yeah. 17 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,162 I snapped this photo of him 18 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,664 last time he dropped off Zoey. 19 00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:40,932 Observe. 20 00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:43,034 The bottom half of his face... is smiling. 21 00:00:44,703 --> 00:00:46,904 Oh. Look, he seems happy. Seems like a nice guy. 22 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,174 But the top half of his face... 23 00:00:50,909 --> 00:00:52,109 wants to murder you! 24 00:00:52,110 --> 00:00:54,111 Cheerful. 25 00:00:54,112 --> 00:00:55,613 Wants to murder you. 26 00:00:55,614 --> 00:00:57,248 No. Cheerful. 27 00:00:57,249 --> 00:00:58,983 Wants to murder you. 28 00:00:58,984 --> 00:01:01,252 Now, hold on. Let me ask him a question. 29 00:01:01,253 --> 00:01:04,422 Captain, what do you think of ice cream? 30 00:01:04,423 --> 00:01:05,756 Oh, he loves it! 31 00:01:05,757 --> 00:01:07,758 Captain, what do you think of rainy days? 32 00:01:07,759 --> 00:01:10,027 Whoa, he hates them. 33 00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:12,530 Captain, quick question: 34 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,398 - How do you feel about the Jonas brothers? - Ooh. 35 00:01:14,399 --> 00:01:15,600 - Ooh. - Ooh. 36 00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:19,470 What... what is that? 37 00:01:19,471 --> 00:01:21,172 - I don't get it. - I don't get it. 38 00:01:21,173 --> 00:01:23,941 He hates that he loves them. 39 00:01:23,942 --> 00:01:25,309 Ah! 40 00:01:33,151 --> 00:01:37,388 Transcript by addic7ed.com www.addic7ed.com 41 00:01:38,123 --> 00:01:39,423 Great. Okay. 44 00:01:42,895 --> 00:01:44,095 Who's in? 45 00:01:44,096 --> 00:01:46,130 Sorry, I'm, uh, I... 46 00:01:46,131 --> 00:01:47,932 I... I don't know, washing my hair. 47 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:48,699 Running the water. 48 00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:49,800 Holding the towel. 49 00:01:49,801 --> 00:01:50,935 And I'll be home 50 00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:52,203 trying to get over the fact 51 00:01:52,204 --> 00:01:54,038 that no one invited me to the big hair washing party. 52 00:01:54,039 --> 00:01:56,340 All right, fine. Guess it'll just be me and Zoey. 53 00:01:56,341 --> 00:01:58,209 Oh, wait. Just the two of you? 54 00:01:58,210 --> 00:02:00,111 Tread lightly, Mosby. 55 00:02:00,112 --> 00:02:01,045 Any time 56 00:02:01,046 --> 00:02:02,346 a single guy hangs out 57 00:02:02,347 --> 00:02:03,481 with a married woman, 58 00:02:03,482 --> 00:02:05,283 there are rules that must be followed. 59 00:02:05,284 --> 00:02:06,951 Rule number one... 60 00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:08,452 Don't use the husband's condoms. 61 00:02:08,453 --> 00:02:10,087 That's just rude. 62 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,657 Rule number one: 63 00:02:12,658 --> 00:02:15,593 don't go anywhere that has candles. 64 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,962 Excuse me, Captain, how do you feel 65 00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:20,998 about Ted and Zoey having an intimate chat by candlelight? 66 00:02:20,999 --> 00:02:22,166 Mm-Hmm... 67 00:02:23,302 --> 00:02:25,636 It'll be the last dinner they ever have. 68 00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,939 Rule number two: 69 00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:29,373 - no sharing food. - Hmm. 70 00:02:29,374 --> 00:02:31,943 In fact, anything involving saliva is off-limits. 71 00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:34,578 Toothbrushes, thermometers, lipstick. 72 00:02:34,579 --> 00:02:35,746 Well, if I can't share her lipstick, 73 00:02:35,747 --> 00:02:36,881 there's really no point in even going. 74 00:02:36,882 --> 00:02:39,450 And the most important rule of all... 75 00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:42,119 Lubricant is public property. 76 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:42,853 Please. 77 00:02:42,854 --> 00:02:44,388 No lying to the spouse 78 00:02:44,389 --> 00:02:46,490 about anything you do. 79 00:02:46,491 --> 00:02:47,625 Why would anyone lie? 80 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:48,759 Look, Zoey and I are just friends. 81 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,061 If there was anything more than that, 82 00:02:50,062 --> 00:02:51,262 I wouldn't hang out with her. 83 00:02:51,263 --> 00:02:53,164 Lily's right, Ted. Once you're married, 84 00:02:53,165 --> 00:02:54,498 it's very hard to be friends 85 00:02:54,499 --> 00:02:57,034 - with a single person of the opposite sex. - Yeah. 86 00:02:57,035 --> 00:02:58,502 Unless you're old friends, which is why 87 00:02:58,503 --> 00:03:00,504 I can hang out with Marshall whenever I want. 88 00:03:00,505 --> 00:03:01,605 Right, Marsh Madness? 89 00:03:01,606 --> 00:03:02,974 No doubt, Robo Cop. 90 00:03:04,343 --> 00:03:05,743 You two never hang out alone. 91 00:03:05,744 --> 00:03:07,712 You just made up those nicknames right now. 92 00:03:07,713 --> 00:03:08,980 I guess it's true. 93 00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,148 You and I never really hang out alone. 94 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:13,718 Well, let's. Let's have dinner together, just the two of us. 95 00:03:13,719 --> 00:03:14,986 Oh! Sweet. 96 00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:16,921 No candles. 97 00:03:16,922 --> 00:03:18,990 No candles. 98 00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:21,125 Lily, I guess that leaves just you and me. Want to hang? 99 00:03:21,126 --> 00:03:23,160 And then Lily said something to Barney 100 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,129 that insulted every fiber of his being. 101 00:03:25,130 --> 00:03:26,564 Nah. 102 00:03:28,066 --> 00:03:30,534 Wait. No. It had to be more than just, "nah". 103 00:03:30,535 --> 00:03:31,669 Oh, I think she said... 104 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:35,906 You're a big... stupid octopus head! 105 00:03:37,109 --> 00:03:38,542 No, that doesn't make sense. 106 00:03:38,543 --> 00:03:41,145 Okay, hang on. What did she say? 107 00:03:41,146 --> 00:03:45,916 She said, um, uh... 108 00:03:45,917 --> 00:03:48,819 To be honest kids, I'm having a little trouble remembering 109 00:03:48,820 --> 00:03:50,521 exactly what their fight was about. 110 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,156 Hey, it was 20 years ago! 111 00:03:52,157 --> 00:03:53,324 I'll remember. 112 00:03:53,325 --> 00:03:54,759 Anyway, the next night... 113 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,228 Well, Lily, you were right. 114 00:03:57,229 --> 00:04:00,531 Something weird happened with Zoey last night. 115 00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:03,834 Oh, that's the Captain. 116 00:04:03,835 --> 00:04:05,703 Yes, I call my husband the Captain, 117 00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:08,906 but that is the only concession I make to his seafaring ways. 118 00:04:08,907 --> 00:04:10,341 Hang on. 119 00:04:10,342 --> 00:04:11,709 Ahoy. 120 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,445 I'm just out with friends. 121 00:04:14,446 --> 00:04:16,313 Friends. Plural. 122 00:04:16,314 --> 00:04:18,549 Like... like there was more than one of me. 123 00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:19,784 Ew! Ew! 124 00:04:19,785 --> 00:04:22,553 She lied to her husband? Uh-oh. 125 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,355 So, what did you do? 126 00:04:24,356 --> 00:04:27,792 Uh, Zoey, um, did you just say you were out with friends? 127 00:04:27,793 --> 00:04:29,927 Yeah. The Captain's on his way home from Milan. 128 00:04:29,928 --> 00:04:31,595 He can get a little jealous sometimes, 129 00:04:31,596 --> 00:04:33,697 so I didn't want to make him worry. 130 00:04:34,533 --> 00:04:35,499 Is that okay? 131 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,368 It's totally okay. 132 00:04:37,369 --> 00:04:39,737 - It's not okay! - I didn't really think it was okay! 133 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:42,373 Pur-leez! You lie to your husband all the time. 134 00:04:42,374 --> 00:04:44,642 "Uh, uh, that shirt looks great on you". 135 00:04:44,643 --> 00:04:46,444 "I love your mom". 136 00:04:46,445 --> 00:04:48,879 "I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it". 137 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,415 Sound familiar, Pinocchio? 138 00:04:52,684 --> 00:04:53,884 What's wrong with this shirt? 139 00:04:53,885 --> 00:04:56,053 Lily, ruling. 140 00:04:56,054 --> 00:04:57,388 Do I have to stop 141 00:04:57,389 --> 00:04:58,923 hanging out with Zoey? 142 00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:01,025 No, you just need to spend time 143 00:05:01,026 --> 00:05:03,094 with her and the Captain together. 144 00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:04,929 If you're friends with the both of them, 145 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,363 then there's not a problem. 146 00:05:06,364 --> 00:05:08,766 Actually, I do have a standing invitation from the Captain 147 00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:11,235 to go for a ride with them on his boat. 148 00:05:11,236 --> 00:05:14,238 Great. So go make nice with Captain creepy, 149 00:05:14,239 --> 00:05:15,439 and problem solved. 150 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,541 The next night, 151 00:05:17,542 --> 00:05:19,310 Marshall and Robin went to dinner, 152 00:05:19,311 --> 00:05:20,878 just the two of them. 153 00:05:20,879 --> 00:05:22,046 Now historically, 154 00:05:22,047 --> 00:05:24,081 they had three solid conversation topics: 155 00:05:24,082 --> 00:05:25,416 cold weather... 156 00:05:25,417 --> 00:05:28,185 December chill... so great. 157 00:05:28,186 --> 00:05:29,820 Totally. 158 00:05:31,423 --> 00:05:33,357 Sports... 159 00:05:33,358 --> 00:05:35,392 Did you catch 160 00:05:35,393 --> 00:05:37,862 the game last night? 161 00:05:37,863 --> 00:05:40,931 Yeah. Nail-biter. 162 00:05:41,833 --> 00:05:45,002 And cold weather sports. 163 00:05:45,003 --> 00:05:46,804 - You know what's fun? - Mm. 164 00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,172 Is cold weather sports. 165 00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:50,141 They are fun. 166 00:05:50,142 --> 00:05:53,744 They blew through them all in the first 16 seconds. 167 00:05:53,745 --> 00:05:56,080 Man, this is awkward. 168 00:05:56,081 --> 00:05:58,482 She's giving me nothing! 169 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,751 He's just staring at me! 170 00:06:00,752 --> 00:06:02,653 She's just staring at me! 171 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,922 It's making me nervous. 172 00:06:04,923 --> 00:06:06,924 Great, now my left eye is twitching. 173 00:06:06,925 --> 00:06:08,559 Marshall, it's cool. 174 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,227 She doesn't see it. 175 00:06:10,228 --> 00:06:13,264 What the hell's going on with his eye? 176 00:06:13,265 --> 00:06:15,499 Am I supposed to not talk about that? 177 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:19,069 Great, now my right eye is doing it. 178 00:06:21,706 --> 00:06:23,340 Can I get you two some drinks? 179 00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,209 - Lots of drinks. - Oh, so many drinks. 180 00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:28,112 That same night, Barney and Lily were still fighting 181 00:06:28,113 --> 00:06:29,647 about, um... something. 182 00:06:29,648 --> 00:06:31,849 Or was it that other thing? 183 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,284 - Barney. - Save it, Lily. 184 00:06:33,285 --> 00:06:35,553 I am still mad at you for... 185 00:06:35,554 --> 00:06:38,656 something, and for that other thing. 186 00:06:38,657 --> 00:06:41,125 Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. 187 00:06:41,126 --> 00:06:42,626 But let's be honest. 188 00:06:42,627 --> 00:06:44,828 You've been super sensitive lately. 189 00:06:44,829 --> 00:06:46,964 No, I haven't! 190 00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:49,366 God, how can you say that?! 191 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,168 Watch out! 192 00:06:51,169 --> 00:06:53,404 Wait. They were on the street. 193 00:06:53,405 --> 00:06:55,940 - Watch out! - Oh! 194 00:06:55,941 --> 00:06:58,909 Wow. Thanks, Lily. 195 00:06:58,910 --> 00:07:01,278 You saved me. 196 00:07:01,279 --> 00:07:03,047 You saved us. 197 00:07:03,748 --> 00:07:06,984 Look, I know you didn't mean 198 00:07:06,985 --> 00:07:10,087 whatever it was you said that made me so mad. 199 00:07:10,088 --> 00:07:12,323 I think I probably didn't. 200 00:07:12,324 --> 00:07:15,793 And just like that, the fight was over. 201 00:07:15,794 --> 00:07:18,762 You know, kids, friendship is funny sometimes. 202 00:07:18,763 --> 00:07:20,130 Wait. 203 00:07:20,131 --> 00:07:23,133 I still can't resist getting one last shot in. 204 00:07:24,603 --> 00:07:27,938 Like I said, the fight was just getting started. 205 00:07:38,383 --> 00:07:40,651 Hi, Captain. 206 00:07:40,652 --> 00:07:42,019 The Captain. 207 00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:43,587 Captain. 208 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:44,855 Ahoy, Ted! 209 00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:46,056 Excellent to see you. 210 00:07:46,057 --> 00:07:47,725 Ah, you, too. Uh, where's Zoey? 211 00:07:47,726 --> 00:07:49,026 Well, I'm afraid 212 00:07:49,027 --> 00:07:51,195 she's feeling a little under the weather. 213 00:07:51,196 --> 00:07:52,263 Looks like it's just 214 00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:53,831 you, me 215 00:07:53,832 --> 00:07:56,033 and six hours in frigid international waters. 216 00:07:56,034 --> 00:08:00,938 Or we could stay on dry land, hang out with some... witnesses. 217 00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:03,607 You're a hoot. 218 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:06,910 I've been looking forward to this. 219 00:08:09,381 --> 00:08:12,316 For a very long time. 220 00:08:13,485 --> 00:08:14,985 Well, anchors aweigh! 221 00:08:14,986 --> 00:08:17,721 Kids, here's one thing I do remember. 222 00:08:17,722 --> 00:08:20,724 I was pretty sure I was going to die that night. 223 00:08:26,311 --> 00:08:27,678 Mmm. 224 00:08:27,679 --> 00:08:29,213 Mmm. 225 00:08:30,648 --> 00:08:34,051 You know, I had this really boring poetry class in college. 226 00:08:34,052 --> 00:08:35,385 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 227 00:08:35,386 --> 00:08:38,288 You were just thinking that this dinner is really boring. 228 00:08:38,289 --> 00:08:41,124 That's what made you think of your boring class in college. 229 00:08:41,125 --> 00:08:43,160 What?! What? No! No! No, no, no. 230 00:08:43,161 --> 00:08:44,695 Marshall, no. No. I... 231 00:08:44,696 --> 00:08:48,799 I just saw that board of specials, and I thought, 232 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,500 you know what sucks? 233 00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:51,735 Being bored. 234 00:08:51,736 --> 00:08:52,903 Which I am not. 235 00:08:52,904 --> 00:08:58,075 So that clears that... right up. 236 00:08:58,076 --> 00:08:59,443 Robin, I'm an attorney. 237 00:09:00,612 --> 00:09:02,145 Fine. This night's a little awkward. 238 00:09:02,146 --> 00:09:04,982 I guess it's 'cause we never hang out alone together. 239 00:09:04,983 --> 00:09:06,083 Why is that? 240 00:09:06,084 --> 00:09:08,418 It's 'cause of the mermaid theory. 241 00:09:08,419 --> 00:09:13,056 Two years ago, I had just hired a new assistant at GNB. 242 00:09:15,426 --> 00:09:18,528 So, who's the eye broccoli? 243 00:09:18,529 --> 00:09:20,897 Okay, that's Iris, my new assistant. 244 00:09:20,898 --> 00:09:23,066 And yes, she's a little plain, 245 00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:25,869 but I'm married, so that's good. 246 00:09:25,870 --> 00:09:27,204 Mark my words, Marshall. 247 00:09:27,205 --> 00:09:30,173 Someday you will find Iris so excruciatingly attractive, 248 00:09:30,174 --> 00:09:33,844 you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs. 249 00:09:37,515 --> 00:09:40,450 I don't think that's gonna be a problem. 250 00:09:40,451 --> 00:09:43,987 Marshall, do you know how the myth of mermaids came to be? 251 00:09:43,988 --> 00:09:45,455 I'm sorry. Myth? 252 00:09:45,456 --> 00:09:47,824 It was 300 years ago. 253 00:09:47,825 --> 00:09:50,594 Sailors stuck at sea would get desperate 254 00:09:50,595 --> 00:09:51,895 for female companionship. 255 00:09:51,896 --> 00:09:55,599 It got so bad that, eventually, 256 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:59,403 the manatees out in the water started to look like... 257 00:09:59,404 --> 00:10:01,538 beautiful women. 258 00:10:01,539 --> 00:10:04,975 Mermaids. 259 00:10:06,811 --> 00:10:08,979 Let's go get some tail! 260 00:10:10,815 --> 00:10:12,983 Oh. 261 00:10:14,319 --> 00:10:18,422 You see, every woman, no matter how initially repugnant, 262 00:10:18,423 --> 00:10:21,458 has a mermaid clock... The time it takes 263 00:10:21,459 --> 00:10:24,127 for you to realize you want to bone her. 264 00:10:24,128 --> 00:10:27,097 Sure, today you see Iris as a manatee. 265 00:10:27,098 --> 00:10:29,299 But she ain't gonna stay that way. 266 00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:34,838 Marshall, your secretary's mermaid clock starts right now. 267 00:10:36,407 --> 00:10:39,276 And it took one year, three months, and 16 days, 268 00:10:39,277 --> 00:10:41,378 but eventually... 269 00:10:50,355 --> 00:10:51,722 D'oh! 270 00:10:51,723 --> 00:10:53,423 Told you. 271 00:10:53,424 --> 00:10:55,092 The mermaid theory. 272 00:10:55,093 --> 00:10:56,259 It's a thing. 273 00:10:56,260 --> 00:10:57,928 You owe me 500 bucks. 274 00:10:57,929 --> 00:10:59,162 Did we bet on this? 275 00:10:59,163 --> 00:11:01,198 Let's say yes. 276 00:11:01,199 --> 00:11:04,101 - And that's why we never hang out alone? - Yes. 277 00:11:04,102 --> 00:11:06,870 As Lily's best friend, you are the last person on the planet 278 00:11:06,871 --> 00:11:08,505 who's allowed to turn into a mermaid. 279 00:11:08,506 --> 00:11:09,673 Wait, does that mean 280 00:11:09,674 --> 00:11:11,608 that I'm a manatee right now? 281 00:11:14,045 --> 00:11:16,346 Big-time manatee. 282 00:11:16,347 --> 00:11:19,850 What were those sailors thinking? 283 00:11:19,851 --> 00:11:22,986 Huh. I don't know. 284 00:11:22,987 --> 00:11:27,124 Being out at sea can do crazy things to a man. 285 00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:29,993 Vast, the sea. 286 00:11:29,994 --> 00:11:32,028 Deep. 287 00:11:32,029 --> 00:11:34,264 Endless. 288 00:11:34,265 --> 00:11:37,667 Going around for miles. 289 00:11:37,668 --> 00:11:42,305 You could scream and scream, and not a soul would hear you. 290 00:11:43,274 --> 00:11:45,342 Listen to this. 291 00:11:46,511 --> 00:11:47,677 Help! 292 00:11:47,678 --> 00:11:49,346 Somebody help me! 293 00:11:49,347 --> 00:11:52,082 I'm trapped on a boat with a madman! 294 00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:53,717 Help! 295 00:11:56,053 --> 00:11:58,388 See? Nothing. 296 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,661 He's gonna kill me. 297 00:12:04,662 --> 00:12:05,962 Okay, calm down, Teddy. 298 00:12:05,963 --> 00:12:07,230 He's not jealous. 299 00:12:07,231 --> 00:12:09,232 He hasn't even mentioned Zoey. 300 00:12:09,233 --> 00:12:10,534 So, Ted, 301 00:12:10,535 --> 00:12:15,372 I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Zoey. 302 00:12:22,513 --> 00:12:25,315 Seriously? I step away for five seconds, and you eat 303 00:12:25,316 --> 00:12:26,817 all my onion rings? 304 00:12:27,418 --> 00:12:29,352 No surprise there. 305 00:12:29,353 --> 00:12:31,087 What's that supposed to mean? 306 00:12:31,088 --> 00:12:33,590 Are you calling me fat? 307 00:12:34,425 --> 00:12:36,359 If there is one thing you never do, 308 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,463 it is call a woman fat right to her face! 309 00:12:39,464 --> 00:12:41,531 Wait. Barney's not a woman. 310 00:12:41,532 --> 00:12:44,734 That's right... Barney wasn't hurt by Lily, 311 00:12:44,735 --> 00:12:47,838 Lily was hurt by Barney. 312 00:12:47,839 --> 00:12:48,905 Want to hang? 313 00:12:48,906 --> 00:12:50,740 Nah. 314 00:12:50,741 --> 00:12:53,643 Watch out! 315 00:12:55,379 --> 00:12:58,114 Wow... thanks, Barney. 316 00:12:58,115 --> 00:13:00,817 You saved me. 317 00:13:00,818 --> 00:13:02,385 You saved us. 318 00:13:02,386 --> 00:13:04,754 If there's one thing you never do, 319 00:13:04,755 --> 00:13:07,624 it's call a woman fat right to her face! 320 00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:09,726 Okay, now I'm on track. 321 00:13:09,727 --> 00:13:12,162 The rest of this story should make perfect sense. 322 00:13:12,163 --> 00:13:13,697 Oh, Lily, I'm sorry. 323 00:13:13,698 --> 00:13:15,999 Hey, you want to see a magic trick? 324 00:13:20,471 --> 00:13:22,372 You're a jerk. 325 00:13:22,373 --> 00:13:24,241 Okay, that makes no sense. 326 00:13:24,242 --> 00:13:26,309 Kids, I'm officially admitting defeat. 327 00:13:26,310 --> 00:13:28,512 I will never remember this story. 328 00:13:28,513 --> 00:13:31,014 I'm sorry for wasting your time. 329 00:13:31,015 --> 00:13:33,650 Ted, let me show you my harpoon collection. 330 00:13:33,651 --> 00:13:35,819 Just gonna make a quick call. 331 00:13:35,820 --> 00:13:37,087 Hey, silly question. 332 00:13:37,088 --> 00:13:39,189 What are our exact nautical coordinates? 333 00:13:39,190 --> 00:13:40,824 How now? 334 00:13:40,825 --> 00:13:42,859 Oh, bother. 335 00:13:44,529 --> 00:13:46,062 Well... 336 00:13:46,063 --> 00:13:48,398 she's a goner. 337 00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:52,335 By now, the icy tide has already dropped 338 00:13:52,336 --> 00:13:55,539 its core temperature to near freezing. 339 00:13:55,540 --> 00:13:58,108 And down it goes. 340 00:13:58,109 --> 00:14:00,310 Now it's at 50 meters. 341 00:14:00,311 --> 00:14:03,780 Complete crushing blackness. 342 00:14:03,781 --> 00:14:05,482 100 meters. 343 00:14:05,483 --> 00:14:07,183 The pressure is so intense, 344 00:14:07,184 --> 00:14:10,153 the keys are popping right out of its head. 345 00:14:10,154 --> 00:14:12,756 - Head? - 200 meters. 346 00:14:12,757 --> 00:14:16,293 No one will ever find its mangled remains, 347 00:14:16,294 --> 00:14:18,728 save for the crustacea 348 00:14:18,729 --> 00:14:22,332 that feed off its lifeless husk. 349 00:14:22,333 --> 00:14:24,434 Can you hear me now? 350 00:14:24,435 --> 00:14:28,838 No. Because you're on the bottom of the sea. 351 00:14:29,907 --> 00:14:32,576 Well, I got a big morning, so... 352 00:14:32,577 --> 00:14:35,378 - Dry cleaners, bank, you know, so... - Ted, it's time. 353 00:14:36,581 --> 00:14:38,815 I have something for you. 354 00:14:38,816 --> 00:14:40,650 Wait here. 355 00:14:44,121 --> 00:14:46,556 Okay, you got to swim for it, Mosby. 356 00:14:46,557 --> 00:14:48,391 Man versus sea. 357 00:14:48,392 --> 00:14:49,526 You can do this. 358 00:14:49,527 --> 00:14:51,127 You didn't get a "Good Effort" ribbon 359 00:14:51,128 --> 00:14:52,696 from the Shaker Heights JCC Swim Camp 360 00:14:52,697 --> 00:14:54,598 because you don't have what it takes. 361 00:14:54,599 --> 00:14:55,932 Found it. 362 00:14:55,933 --> 00:14:56,967 Zoey told me 363 00:14:56,968 --> 00:14:58,802 you're a scotch drinker. 364 00:14:58,803 --> 00:15:01,471 I bought this special for tonight. 365 00:15:01,472 --> 00:15:04,074 And just as I started to realize that maybe 366 00:15:04,075 --> 00:15:06,810 I wasn't in danger after all, we hit a bump. 367 00:15:06,811 --> 00:15:08,411 Whoa! 368 00:15:10,014 --> 00:15:12,048 Ted? 369 00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:16,058 Ok, ok. So you're afraid that if you spend 370 00:15:16,059 --> 00:15:19,594 too much time alone with me, I'll turn into a mermaid? 371 00:15:19,595 --> 00:15:22,564 Yes. I mean, sure, right now, you're bald and leathery 372 00:15:22,565 --> 00:15:24,532 and covered in a thick layer of blubber... 373 00:15:24,533 --> 00:15:26,167 Am I blushing or...? 374 00:15:26,168 --> 00:15:29,370 But at some point, my stupid male brain will transform you 375 00:15:29,371 --> 00:15:33,174 into a foxy fish-babe singin' 376 00:15:33,175 --> 00:15:35,276 "Part of your world" to my pants. 377 00:15:35,277 --> 00:15:39,113 Okay, even if that happens, is there any way to un-mermaid me? 378 00:15:39,114 --> 00:15:41,049 I asked Barney the same thing. 379 00:15:44,353 --> 00:15:46,287 Once mermaid-ified, there's only one way 380 00:15:46,288 --> 00:15:48,923 a woman can go back to being unattractive again, 381 00:15:48,924 --> 00:15:50,725 but it's pretty gruesome. 382 00:15:50,726 --> 00:15:52,227 Death? 383 00:15:52,228 --> 00:15:54,662 Worse. Pregnancy. 384 00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,664 If a baby's on board that train, 385 00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:59,067 it is headed straight back to Manatee City... 386 00:15:59,068 --> 00:16:02,003 Where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty. 387 00:16:02,438 --> 00:16:03,538 Pregnancy? 388 00:16:03,539 --> 00:16:05,940 Mm-Hmm. Once a mermaid gets pregnant, 389 00:16:05,941 --> 00:16:08,676 she becomes a manatee again. 390 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,712 Never thought I'd say that sentence. 391 00:16:10,713 --> 00:16:11,980 Wait! That's it! 392 00:16:11,981 --> 00:16:14,215 That's what Barney and Lily were fighting about! 393 00:16:14,216 --> 00:16:15,416 The mermaid theory! 394 00:16:15,417 --> 00:16:17,652 But their argument didn't happen at the same time 395 00:16:17,653 --> 00:16:20,788 as all this other stuff. I'm literally in the wrong year! 396 00:16:20,789 --> 00:16:23,458 It happened much, much later when Lily was... 397 00:16:23,459 --> 00:16:24,592 pregnant. 398 00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:26,594 Well, Lily, I guess it's just you and me. 399 00:16:26,595 --> 00:16:27,595 You wanna hang? 400 00:16:27,596 --> 00:16:28,730 Nah. 401 00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:31,232 Whenever we're alone, you spend 402 00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,635 the whole time undressing me with your eyes. 403 00:16:33,636 --> 00:16:35,303 You even take off my shoes. 404 00:16:35,304 --> 00:16:38,406 High heels chafe my shoulders. 405 00:16:38,407 --> 00:16:40,375 But you don't have to worry about that anymore. 406 00:16:40,376 --> 00:16:42,810 Ever since you got pregnant, you're just a big fat manatee. 407 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,215 Well, you're a big... 408 00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:49,183 stupid octopus face! 409 00:16:49,184 --> 00:16:53,288 That was it! I remember now! 410 00:16:53,289 --> 00:16:55,890 Wow. Thanks, Barney. 411 00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:57,358 You saved me. 412 00:16:58,227 --> 00:17:01,396 You saved us. 413 00:17:01,397 --> 00:17:04,065 If there's one thing you never do, 414 00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:06,768 it's call a woman "fat" right to her face! 415 00:17:06,769 --> 00:17:08,036 I'm sorry, Lily. 416 00:17:08,037 --> 00:17:10,638 Hey, you want to see a magic trick? 417 00:17:14,143 --> 00:17:14,842 Oh... 418 00:17:14,843 --> 00:17:17,312 You're a jerk. 419 00:17:19,715 --> 00:17:20,949 Hey. Hey, wait. 420 00:17:20,950 --> 00:17:23,451 Come on. I was kid... Wait, wait, wait! 421 00:17:23,452 --> 00:17:25,653 There's another addendum to the mermaid theory. 422 00:17:25,654 --> 00:17:28,923 A pregnant woman who's become a manatee can become 423 00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,592 a mermaid again through one simple act. 424 00:17:30,593 --> 00:17:31,593 What's that? 425 00:17:31,594 --> 00:17:33,861 Breast-feeding. Hot. 426 00:17:33,862 --> 00:17:34,862 Really? 427 00:17:34,863 --> 00:17:36,531 Really. 428 00:17:36,532 --> 00:17:38,866 When those things swell up to three times their normal size... 429 00:17:38,867 --> 00:17:40,368 so do I. 430 00:17:40,369 --> 00:17:43,071 That's so sweet! 431 00:17:44,006 --> 00:17:46,474 See kids? Told you I'd get it! 432 00:17:46,475 --> 00:17:50,278 Okay, now we're even! 433 00:17:50,279 --> 00:17:53,247 Yeah, that's the ending to a whole other story. 434 00:17:53,248 --> 00:17:55,283 We'll get there. 435 00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:57,986 So you really thought I was gonna kill you? 436 00:17:57,987 --> 00:18:00,622 Well... ish. 437 00:18:00,623 --> 00:18:02,123 Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. 438 00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:05,393 If I wanted to kill you, I'd invite you to my hunting lodge. 439 00:18:05,394 --> 00:18:08,329 It's far more remote, and I wouldn't have 440 00:18:08,330 --> 00:18:12,200 to worry about you turning up in some nosy fisherman's net. 441 00:18:12,201 --> 00:18:13,534 See? It's stuff like that. 442 00:18:13,535 --> 00:18:15,003 Why... why do you talk that way? 443 00:18:15,004 --> 00:18:17,105 Oh, I'm just jesting for sport. 444 00:18:18,774 --> 00:18:22,410 See, sometimes I don't bond as well 445 00:18:22,411 --> 00:18:24,312 with Zoey's younger friends. 446 00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:26,914 But I know she really likes you. 447 00:18:27,950 --> 00:18:30,752 I was hoping that maybe we could be buddies. 448 00:18:30,753 --> 00:18:33,721 We can. 449 00:18:33,722 --> 00:18:35,723 We can be buddies. 450 00:18:35,724 --> 00:18:37,325 Just not on a boat. 451 00:18:37,326 --> 00:18:38,626 Fair enough. 452 00:18:38,627 --> 00:18:39,927 The hunting lodge it is. 453 00:18:41,630 --> 00:18:43,164 Ho-ho-ho! 454 00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:46,200 You know, once we stopped trying to have a conversation 455 00:18:46,201 --> 00:18:48,236 and just focused on the drinking... 456 00:18:48,237 --> 00:18:49,637 I had fun. 457 00:18:49,638 --> 00:18:50,738 Yeah, me, too. 458 00:18:50,739 --> 00:18:52,640 And then a terrible thing happened. 459 00:18:52,641 --> 00:18:54,108 Marshall's beer goggles kicked in 460 00:18:54,109 --> 00:18:56,944 and his very drunk mind started to see... 461 00:18:59,648 --> 00:19:03,284 No... no, no! 462 00:19:03,285 --> 00:19:04,952 No! No, 463 00:19:04,953 --> 00:19:06,254 don't turn! 464 00:19:06,255 --> 00:19:08,790 Uh-oh. 465 00:19:08,791 --> 00:19:10,625 I don't feel so good. 466 00:19:14,963 --> 00:19:19,133 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I am, I am so sorry! 467 00:19:19,134 --> 00:19:23,037 Oh! You must think I'm totally disgusting. 468 00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:25,339 I really do. 469 00:19:28,610 --> 00:19:30,011 And from that moment on 470 00:19:30,012 --> 00:19:31,112 Marshall never worried 471 00:19:31,113 --> 00:19:32,780 about Robin becoming a mermaid again, 472 00:19:32,781 --> 00:19:35,216 and the two of them were closer than ever. 473 00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:36,751 There you go. 474 00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:38,219 Hey, Ted. 475 00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:39,654 Hey. You feeling better? 476 00:19:39,655 --> 00:19:41,989 I have a confession to make. 477 00:19:41,990 --> 00:19:45,059 I wasn't really sick. 478 00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:45,893 You weren't? 479 00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:46,894 I'm sorry. 480 00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,329 I was just feeling guilty 481 00:19:48,330 --> 00:19:50,131 that I lied to the Captain and... 482 00:19:50,132 --> 00:19:53,601 I don't know, I just thought it would be good 483 00:19:53,602 --> 00:19:55,636 if you two spent some time together. 484 00:19:55,637 --> 00:19:56,904 I get it. 485 00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:58,005 And you were right. 486 00:19:58,006 --> 00:19:59,507 He's a nice guy. 487 00:19:59,508 --> 00:20:01,776 I mean, he can be a little scary. 488 00:20:01,777 --> 00:20:04,979 Yeah, he gets a little murder-y when he's nervous. 489 00:20:04,980 --> 00:20:06,748 Yeah, he's a creepy dude. 490 00:20:07,282 --> 00:20:08,249 But I like him. 491 00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,485 And I just want to make sure 492 00:20:10,486 --> 00:20:12,386 you and I hanging out 493 00:20:12,387 --> 00:20:14,956 doesn't, you know, cross any lines. 494 00:20:14,957 --> 00:20:16,357 Me, too. 495 00:20:16,358 --> 00:20:19,093 I mean, if either one of us had even the slightest hint 496 00:20:19,094 --> 00:20:21,562 of feelings for the other, we shouldn't hang out. 497 00:20:21,563 --> 00:20:23,331 You don't, do you? 498 00:20:23,332 --> 00:20:25,833 No. Do you? 499 00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:27,735 No. 500 00:20:35,926 --> 00:20:37,727 Still no sign of land. 501 00:20:37,728 --> 00:20:41,097 It's been 243 days since we've seen 502 00:20:41,098 --> 00:20:43,132 another living soul. 503 00:20:53,577 --> 00:20:55,611 What are you looking at? 504 00:20:58,515 --> 00:21:00,783 Dude, we need to find land. 505 00:21:00,784 --> 00:21:03,486 Transcript by addic7ed.com www.addic7ed.com