1
00:00:03,588 --> 00:00:05,022
Here you are, gentlemen.
2
00:00:05,023 --> 00:00:07,958
A hot breakfast for two
of chicago's finest.
3
00:00:07,959 --> 00:00:10,127
In the spirit of christmas,
I have provided you each
4
00:00:10,128 --> 00:00:12,029
With a complimentary
sausage link.
5
00:00:12,030 --> 00:00:13,430
If you need anything else,
6
00:00:13,431 --> 00:00:16,566
Merely wave your hand and I will
appear like a magic genie.
7
00:00:18,803 --> 00:00:21,505
Boy, he becomes a total kiss-ass
at gift time, doesn't he?
8
00:00:21,506 --> 00:00:22,873
Mm-hmm.
9
00:00:22,874 --> 00:00:26,109
Yeah, the day before his
birthday, he gave me free bacon.
10
00:00:26,110 --> 00:00:28,578
So, did you finish all your
christmas shopping yet?
11
00:00:28,579 --> 00:00:29,713
Almost.
12
00:00:29,714 --> 00:00:32,215
I just bought grandma
a five-branch wig tree.
13
00:00:32,216 --> 00:00:34,084
She puts all her
different coifs on that,
14
00:00:34,085 --> 00:00:35,852
It's gonna look like
a jackson family reunion.
15
00:00:35,853 --> 00:00:38,488
All that's left to do
is swing by the car wash
16
00:00:38,489 --> 00:00:40,390
And pick up a few
stocking stuffers.
17
00:00:40,391 --> 00:00:41,658
Oh, so I guess I'm getting
18
00:00:41,659 --> 00:00:44,261
Another naked lady
car freshener.
19
00:00:44,262 --> 00:00:45,862
No, I'm not buying
any more of those.
20
00:00:45,863 --> 00:00:48,131
Thing didn't smell
anything like a naked lady.
21
00:00:49,033 --> 00:00:50,434
But don't worry,
I got you something
22
00:00:50,435 --> 00:00:51,802
You're really gonna like.
23
00:00:51,803 --> 00:00:54,137
That's what you said
about the singing rubber fish.
24
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,839
That was a great gift.
Why'd you take it
25
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:57,307
Out of the bathroom?
It was motion-activated.
26
00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:58,675
Every time I stood up to wipe,
27
00:00:58,676 --> 00:01:00,711
I heard
"don't worry, be happy."
28
00:01:02,547 --> 00:01:04,915
That's good advice
in any room of the house.
29
00:01:04,916 --> 00:01:06,650
So what'd you end up
getting for molly?
30
00:01:06,651 --> 00:01:08,185
I'm still circling
a couple things.
31
00:01:08,186 --> 00:01:10,454
You know, trying to narrow it
down, find the perfect gift.
32
00:01:10,455 --> 00:01:13,390
You got nothing, do you?
Not a damn thing.
33
00:01:13,391 --> 00:01:15,826
I have absolutely
no idea what the woman likes.
34
00:01:15,827 --> 00:01:18,095
Well, apparently,
she likes big dumb guys.
35
00:01:19,797 --> 00:01:21,365
Well, it would be stupid
to get her
36
00:01:21,366 --> 00:01:23,100
Another one of those,
wouldn't it?
37
00:01:24,502 --> 00:01:26,169
Hey, how about
a gift card?
38
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:29,239
You know what a gift card says?
"here, you do it."
39
00:01:31,042 --> 00:01:32,743
Which is barely
forgivable for your best friend,
40
00:01:32,744 --> 00:01:34,578
Let alone the woman
that you're sharing a bed with.
41
00:01:34,579 --> 00:01:36,513
Does that mean you didn't like
the macy's gift card
42
00:01:36,514 --> 00:01:37,914
I gave you last year?
43
00:01:37,915 --> 00:01:40,517
It was for $15.
I got a key chain.
44
00:01:40,518 --> 00:01:42,886
After I added $30
of my own money.
45
00:01:44,789 --> 00:01:47,691
Okay, so no gift cards.
This is how I learn.
46
00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:51,294
I might be able to
scrape together enough
47
00:01:51,295 --> 00:01:53,096
To buy molly a
nice piece of jewelry.
48
00:01:53,097 --> 00:01:54,965
Oh, no,
it sets the bar too high.
49
00:01:54,966 --> 00:01:56,666
You get her jewelry
on your first christmas,
50
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:59,002
There's no going back to
smoked salmon or bath beads.
51
00:01:59,003 --> 00:02:00,971
Yeah, but if I start too small,
52
00:02:00,972 --> 00:02:02,873
It's gonna look like
I don't care.
53
00:02:02,874 --> 00:02:04,274
Get her
a nice pair of shoes.
54
00:02:04,275 --> 00:02:05,776
Really?
Yeah, women love shoes.
55
00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:07,411
That's true, they do.
56
00:02:07,412 --> 00:02:09,179
Plus, molly's got those
beautiful feet.
57
00:02:09,180 --> 00:02:10,680
Nice high arches,
58
00:02:10,681 --> 00:02:13,917
And sweet little toes that
always look impeccable.
59
00:02:16,421 --> 00:02:18,855
What are you doing looking
at my girlfriend's feet?
60
00:02:18,856 --> 00:02:20,690
Hey, I appreciate nice-looking
feet on a woman.
61
00:02:20,691 --> 00:02:22,659
And hers are outstanding.
62
00:02:22,660 --> 00:02:24,795
She could be a flip-flop model.
63
00:02:26,731 --> 00:02:27,998
Know what?
64
00:02:27,999 --> 00:02:29,399
I'm taking your complimentary
sausage link,
65
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,668
And I think you know why.
66
00:02:31,669 --> 00:02:34,704
Fine. If you don't want
my help, good luck.
67
00:02:34,705 --> 00:02:35,972
I don't even know her shoe size.
68
00:02:35,973 --> 00:02:36,940
Six and a half.
69
00:02:38,543 --> 00:02:41,178
Would you like
to spice up your coffee
70
00:02:41,179 --> 00:02:43,146
With a fresh cinnamon stick?
71
00:02:43,147 --> 00:02:45,148
Thank you, samuel.
Very nice of you.
72
00:02:45,149 --> 00:02:47,250
I wish I could do more,
but as you know,
73
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:49,653
I am a humble man
of meager means.
74
00:02:53,891 --> 00:02:55,192
Here you go.
Merry christmas.
75
00:02:55,193 --> 00:02:58,295
Oh, what an unexpected surprise.
76
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,966
Thank you so much.
77
00:03:02,967 --> 00:03:04,434
Hey, samuel,
we're out of cream over here.
78
00:03:04,435 --> 00:03:07,337
Well, we all have our little
problems, don't we, big guy?
79
00:03:08,206 --> 00:03:13,043
♪ for the first time
in my life ♪
80
00:03:13,044 --> 00:03:16,246
♪ I see love. ♪
81
00:03:16,247 --> 00:03:22,185
-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/
82
00:03:28,638 --> 00:03:32,575
My god, it's like
the shoe warehouse in here.
83
00:03:32,576 --> 00:03:34,577
Six and a half.
84
00:03:34,578 --> 00:03:37,846
Son of a bitch was right.
85
00:03:37,847 --> 00:03:39,248
Molly:
Mike, you up here?
86
00:03:44,387 --> 00:03:45,988
What are you doing?
87
00:03:45,989 --> 00:03:48,557
(groans)
I must've dozed off.
88
00:03:48,558 --> 00:03:50,025
Are you feeling okay?
89
00:03:50,026 --> 00:03:52,628
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just resting my eyes.
90
00:03:52,629 --> 00:03:55,230
Tough day
on the mean streets of chicago.
91
00:03:55,231 --> 00:03:56,365
You want to come downstairs?
92
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:57,733
We're trimming the tree.
Great.
93
00:03:57,734 --> 00:03:59,835
I'll be down in a minute.
I can string the popcorn.
94
00:03:59,836 --> 00:04:01,937
Assuming you have
an ultrasonic popcorn popper
95
00:04:01,938 --> 00:04:04,773
With an automatic
butter dispenser.
96
00:04:04,774 --> 00:04:07,743
As a matter of fact, we do.
97
00:04:07,744 --> 00:04:09,878
Good. Good.
98
00:04:10,647 --> 00:04:12,247
Hey, you know what
would be fun?
99
00:04:12,248 --> 00:04:13,916
To put on some christmas
music down there.
100
00:04:13,917 --> 00:04:15,050
Do you have an ipod?
101
00:04:15,051 --> 00:04:16,151
Yes, I do.
102
00:04:16,152 --> 00:04:17,953
Why don't I go get it?
103
00:04:20,724 --> 00:04:22,191
Smooth. Real smooth.
104
00:04:22,192 --> 00:04:24,059
(goofy voice): Do you have
an ultrasonic popcorn popper
105
00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:25,995
With an automatic
butter dispenser?
106
00:04:31,501 --> 00:04:35,938
Well, it's official: I'm dating
clueless joe jackson.
107
00:04:35,939 --> 00:04:38,574
Yeah, he clearly hasn't had
a lot of girlfriends.
108
00:04:38,575 --> 00:04:41,210
Yesterday, he asked me
if you needed jumper cables
109
00:04:41,211 --> 00:04:44,613
Or if you'd ever shown
any interest in golf.
110
00:04:45,715 --> 00:04:48,317
I love that he's trying
to find the perfect gift.
111
00:04:48,318 --> 00:04:49,918
But he's running out of time,
112
00:04:49,919 --> 00:04:53,355
So I'm guessing I'll be getting
ear muffs and a fudge log.
113
00:04:55,392 --> 00:04:58,994
Which I'll love.
114
00:04:58,995 --> 00:05:00,429
What'd you get him?
115
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:03,132
This really cool
leather bomber jacket.
116
00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:04,633
Has he been hinting for it?
117
00:05:04,634 --> 00:05:07,136
Not exactly,
but his favorite movies
118
00:05:07,137 --> 00:05:08,937
Are top gun and memphis belle,
119
00:05:08,938 --> 00:05:11,340
And every time
we drive somewhere,
120
00:05:11,341 --> 00:05:14,309
He pretends I'm his co-pilot.
121
00:05:14,310 --> 00:05:15,844
So it was
a reasonable guess.
122
00:05:15,845 --> 00:05:18,380
Roger that.
123
00:05:18,381 --> 00:05:21,917
Now, have you given him any
hints about what you want?
124
00:05:21,918 --> 00:05:23,919
Or are you
just gonna feign enthusiasm
125
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,689
When he gives you a bedazzler?
126
00:05:26,690 --> 00:05:29,825
No, I've left
a couple of open catalogs
127
00:05:29,826 --> 00:05:31,960
Laying around
on the night stand.
128
00:05:31,961 --> 00:05:34,096
Well, you might want
to leave those catalogs
129
00:05:34,097 --> 00:05:37,132
In the refrigerator
or next to the crapper.
130
00:05:37,133 --> 00:05:40,769
Otherwise, you're gonna
be losing valuable closet space
131
00:05:40,770 --> 00:05:42,871
For a set of golf clubs.
132
00:05:42,872 --> 00:05:45,441
Hey, I'm not gonna put
a post-it on his forehead.
133
00:05:45,442 --> 00:05:47,376
I think it's important
for him to figure out
134
00:05:47,377 --> 00:05:49,144
The kind of gift I might like.
135
00:05:49,145 --> 00:05:52,114
And not just some stupid trip
on the same cruise ship
136
00:05:52,115 --> 00:05:54,216
That his wife and kids are on.
137
00:05:56,019 --> 00:05:59,354
That's messed up, right?
138
00:06:00,523 --> 00:06:01,623
Uh, yeah.
139
00:06:01,624 --> 00:06:03,325
Absolutely.
140
00:06:03,326 --> 00:06:05,761
I mean I still went.
141
00:06:06,996 --> 00:06:10,365
Ended up spending the whole time
getting high in my cabin.
142
00:06:12,068 --> 00:06:15,404
Boy, I sure do like weed.
143
00:06:21,211 --> 00:06:24,113
God bless her, she's always been
easy to shop for.
144
00:06:28,451 --> 00:06:29,551
I don't understand.
145
00:06:29,552 --> 00:06:31,153
Why not just get her
the deluxe thighmaster?
146
00:06:31,154 --> 00:06:33,555
Yeah, and how about if she
gets you the ab roller?
147
00:06:33,556 --> 00:06:35,491
Okay. Point taken.
148
00:06:35,492 --> 00:06:36,992
And what was the problem
149
00:06:36,993 --> 00:06:40,262
With the hickory farms
cheese and salami bouquet?
150
00:06:40,263 --> 00:06:42,598
You don't deserve a girlfriend.
151
00:06:44,334 --> 00:06:46,201
Cool! Bomber jacket!
152
00:06:46,202 --> 00:06:48,203
Hey, get away from that.
We're here for molly.
153
00:06:48,204 --> 00:06:49,772
Whoa, secret pocket.
154
00:06:49,773 --> 00:06:52,074
I can put stuff in there.
155
00:06:52,075 --> 00:06:54,276
It's gonna be cheaper
after christmas.
156
00:06:54,277 --> 00:06:56,078
Now get over here and let's
check out some lingerie.
157
00:06:56,079 --> 00:06:58,046
Carl, nobody likes getting
underwear for christmas.
158
00:06:58,047 --> 00:06:59,548
It's like a book
or socks...
159
00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:01,283
Or a $15 gift card.
160
00:07:03,286 --> 00:07:05,721
But we're not talking
about regular underwear,
161
00:07:05,722 --> 00:07:09,191
We're talking satin and
lace to rub on your face.
162
00:07:09,192 --> 00:07:12,561
But isn't lingerie more of
a gift for me than for her?
163
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:16,198
Oh, like she was ever gonna see
any of that cheese and salami.
164
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:19,301
Now check this out.
165
00:07:19,302 --> 00:07:21,303
Nothing beats the
basic black merry widow
166
00:07:21,304 --> 00:07:23,939
That buttons
at the crotch for easy access.
167
00:07:25,375 --> 00:07:27,109
For going
to the bathroom, right?
168
00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:29,511
You really
don't deserve a girlfriend.
169
00:07:31,181 --> 00:07:34,716
Now, picture her in this...
170
00:07:34,717 --> 00:07:37,452
Maybe add a pair of
high-heeled, open-toed shoes
171
00:07:37,453 --> 00:07:40,856
To wear with it-- mm, mm, mm!
172
00:07:42,325 --> 00:07:45,294
See, now this image here,
this will haunt me.
173
00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:49,498
There you are.
174
00:07:49,499 --> 00:07:53,335
I knew I'd find you sniffing
around the ladies' underwear.
175
00:07:54,204 --> 00:07:57,072
Grandma, I'm still helping mike
176
00:07:57,073 --> 00:07:58,473
Look for a present for molly.
177
00:07:58,474 --> 00:08:00,209
Michael,
you're not taking gift advice
178
00:08:00,210 --> 00:08:02,244
From "panty claus," are you?
179
00:08:03,947 --> 00:08:07,616
Last good gift
he gave a woman was leaving.
180
00:08:08,885 --> 00:08:10,786
I know, nana,
but I'm desperate.
181
00:08:10,787 --> 00:08:12,354
It's real simple, sweetie:
182
00:08:12,355 --> 00:08:15,524
Just get her something nice that
she wouldn't buy for herself.
183
00:08:15,525 --> 00:08:18,861
How about a gift basket with ten
different color nail polishes.
184
00:08:18,862 --> 00:08:22,164
Turn those sweet little toes
of hers into a rainbow.
185
00:08:23,867 --> 00:08:25,968
Hush up, buster brown.
186
00:08:27,670 --> 00:08:30,072
Just listen to her
when she talks.
187
00:08:30,073 --> 00:08:33,008
You'll be surprised how many
little clues she'll give you.
188
00:08:33,009 --> 00:08:34,843
Oh, my!
189
00:08:34,844 --> 00:08:38,013
Look at these!
190
00:08:38,014 --> 00:08:39,548
They look comfortable!
191
00:08:39,549 --> 00:08:43,051
And so soft, too!
192
00:08:43,052 --> 00:08:45,554
Did the knucklehead
get the message?
193
00:08:47,857 --> 00:08:49,524
I think so, nana.
194
00:08:49,525 --> 00:08:51,693
Watch your backs
and cover your cracks!
195
00:08:51,694 --> 00:08:53,428
I'm at eye-level here!
196
00:08:58,001 --> 00:08:59,902
So you gonna
buy her the slippers?
197
00:08:59,903 --> 00:09:01,069
Yeah.
198
00:09:01,070 --> 00:09:03,238
Looks like you're
getting a wig tree.
199
00:09:06,242 --> 00:09:07,743
So this one's
for victoria?
200
00:09:07,744 --> 00:09:10,245
Yeah... Don't ask me
what's in it
201
00:09:10,246 --> 00:09:13,348
And don't bring any
police dogs into the house.
202
00:09:15,184 --> 00:09:16,251
Gotcha.
203
00:09:16,252 --> 00:09:17,185
So that's it?
204
00:09:17,186 --> 00:09:18,220
You finished all
your shopping today?
205
00:09:18,221 --> 00:09:19,454
Yep. Thank god.
206
00:09:19,455 --> 00:09:21,223
It's a madhouse
out there.
207
00:09:21,224 --> 00:09:23,492
At one point, I just got
fed up and ducked into
208
00:09:23,493 --> 00:09:26,295
This little coffee shop
over on halsted.
209
00:09:26,296 --> 00:09:27,396
Oh, I know that one.
210
00:09:27,397 --> 00:09:28,430
It's right next to the pet store
211
00:09:28,431 --> 00:09:30,065
With all the exotic birds
in the window.
212
00:09:30,934 --> 00:09:32,134
Maybe, I don't know.
213
00:09:32,135 --> 00:09:35,304
But I do know the coffee
at that place is terrific
214
00:09:35,305 --> 00:09:39,374
Because they use a french press,
which I also think they sell.
215
00:09:40,343 --> 00:09:43,445
Cool. Have you ever
been in that pet store?
216
00:09:46,049 --> 00:09:48,317
They got all these cockatoos.
I think they're cockatoos.
217
00:09:48,318 --> 00:09:50,419
They're the ones with
the feather mohawk, right?
218
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:51,720
I'm not sure.
219
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:54,323
I'm not really a bird expert.
220
00:09:54,324 --> 00:09:56,925
I guess I could go
look it up on my laptop.
221
00:09:56,926 --> 00:09:59,027
Ah... Wait...
222
00:09:59,028 --> 00:10:00,629
I left it in my car,
223
00:10:00,630 --> 00:10:03,532
Because the strap
on my bag broke.
224
00:10:03,533 --> 00:10:05,367
Yeah, same thing
happened to my gym bag.
225
00:10:05,368 --> 00:10:07,602
Little duct tape,
good as new.
226
00:10:10,573 --> 00:10:12,774
I don't know;
I've had it a long time.
227
00:10:12,775 --> 00:10:14,576
It's pretty beat up.
228
00:10:14,577 --> 00:10:16,144
Well, nothing lasts forever.
229
00:10:18,081 --> 00:10:19,648
Although I've heard
those exotic birds
230
00:10:19,649 --> 00:10:21,416
Can live up to
80 years...
231
00:10:21,417 --> 00:10:23,285
Mike, please don't
buy me a bird.
232
00:10:23,286 --> 00:10:25,620
Well, then I don't know
what the hell to get you!
233
00:10:25,621 --> 00:10:26,955
You're a closed book, lady!
234
00:10:26,956 --> 00:10:28,256
No, I'm not!
235
00:10:28,257 --> 00:10:31,226
I'm an open catalog
laying on the nightstand.
236
00:10:33,997 --> 00:10:35,964
I don't know what that means.
237
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:38,800
I'm lost!
238
00:10:38,801 --> 00:10:40,602
I was in the mall
for six hours today!
239
00:10:40,603 --> 00:10:41,636
The only thing I bought
240
00:10:41,637 --> 00:10:43,305
Was a diet sprite,
a fat-free lemon bar
241
00:10:43,306 --> 00:10:45,707
And a really cool
bomber jacket for myself.
242
00:10:45,708 --> 00:10:48,443
Bomber... Bomber jacket?
243
00:10:57,221 --> 00:10:58,521
Molly: I can't believe
it's christmas eve
244
00:10:58,522 --> 00:10:59,689
And here I am
wandering around
245
00:10:59,690 --> 00:11:01,291
With all the other
last-minute losers.
246
00:11:01,292 --> 00:11:03,793
I'm not like you people.
247
00:11:03,794 --> 00:11:07,197
Calm down. So what if you
slipped up this year?
248
00:11:07,198 --> 00:11:08,398
Oh, I slipped up?
249
00:11:08,399 --> 00:11:10,433
Who's the one
who let him walk out of here
250
00:11:10,434 --> 00:11:12,769
With a bomber jacket?
What was I gonna do?
251
00:11:12,770 --> 00:11:14,838
I was helping grandma get her
rascal down the escalator,
252
00:11:14,839 --> 00:11:17,140
He wandered off and then
came back eating a lemon bar
253
00:11:17,141 --> 00:11:18,441
And wearing a bomber jacket.
254
00:11:18,442 --> 00:11:22,212
It's like going to the mall
with a 300-pound toddler.
255
00:11:22,213 --> 00:11:23,880
I am so screwed, carl.
256
00:11:23,881 --> 00:11:26,583
We are exchanging gifts
at his mom's house tonight.
257
00:11:26,584 --> 00:11:27,751
All right.
258
00:11:27,752 --> 00:11:29,719
We got a little bit of time
before the stores close.
259
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:30,754
Let's not complicate
the situation.
260
00:11:30,755 --> 00:11:33,056
Mike is a simple man
with simple tastes.
261
00:11:33,057 --> 00:11:35,892
Okay, what about
a nice cologne?
262
00:11:35,893 --> 00:11:37,560
No, smells are lost on him.
263
00:11:37,561 --> 00:11:39,696
He gets into the squad car
with dog crap on his shoes,
264
00:11:39,697 --> 00:11:42,198
Doesn't even phase him.
265
00:11:42,199 --> 00:11:45,268
One time he thought
we were passing a bakery.
266
00:11:45,269 --> 00:11:47,404
All right,
what about cuff links?
267
00:11:47,405 --> 00:11:49,572
Sure! How about
a kimono and ballet shoes?
268
00:11:49,573 --> 00:11:51,641
Hey, I'm under
a lot of pressure right now.
269
00:11:51,642 --> 00:11:53,109
I could do without the sarcasm.
270
00:11:53,110 --> 00:11:54,811
(gasps)
ooh! Cashmere scarves...
271
00:11:54,812 --> 00:11:57,113
Ah, yes, what you get
the man with no neck.
272
00:11:57,114 --> 00:12:00,150
Come on,
you work with him all day long.
273
00:12:00,151 --> 00:12:02,419
He must have told you
something that he really wants.
274
00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:03,420
Ah, well, let's see.
275
00:12:03,421 --> 00:12:05,055
A girlfriend: Got one.
Bomber jacket: Check.
276
00:12:05,056 --> 00:12:06,356
One of those helmets
277
00:12:06,357 --> 00:12:08,958
That holds two cans of beer
and has a drinking tube...
278
00:12:08,959 --> 00:12:10,460
Well, I'm not getting him that.
279
00:12:10,461 --> 00:12:12,095
Good, 'cause I already did.
280
00:12:13,464 --> 00:12:15,465
Perfect.
The man's got everything.
281
00:12:15,466 --> 00:12:17,267
You know, he likes video games.
282
00:12:17,268 --> 00:12:18,902
Video games?
283
00:12:19,770 --> 00:12:21,438
Move, move, move, move!
284
00:12:21,439 --> 00:12:23,073
Move the baby!
Move the baby!
285
00:12:26,577 --> 00:12:28,945
Come on! Toy store!
Let's go!
286
00:12:28,946 --> 00:12:30,780
This is not a drill!
287
00:12:38,456 --> 00:12:40,123
I hate christmas.
288
00:12:41,792 --> 00:12:44,561
What happened?
Did your reindeer finally quit?
289
00:12:47,198 --> 00:12:49,099
I've been in every store
on michigan avenue
290
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:52,602
Trying to find the perfect gift
for molly and I can't do it.
291
00:12:52,603 --> 00:12:54,871
Well, in my village
we have an old proverb:
292
00:12:54,872 --> 00:12:57,507
"when in doubt,
say it with cattle."
293
00:12:59,110 --> 00:13:01,845
I can't give her a cow.
She doesn't even want a bird.
294
00:13:01,846 --> 00:13:03,713
I don't know, I keep looking
for something that says
295
00:13:03,714 --> 00:13:05,281
You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.
296
00:13:05,282 --> 00:13:07,250
And so far,
the closest thing I found
297
00:13:07,251 --> 00:13:08,985
Is an embroidered sweatshirt
298
00:13:08,986 --> 00:13:12,055
That says, "you're the greatest
thing that ever happened to me."
299
00:13:12,056 --> 00:13:14,624
I cannot believe
the pressure you americans
300
00:13:14,625 --> 00:13:16,326
Put on yourself at the holidays.
301
00:13:16,327 --> 00:13:17,393
And why?
302
00:13:17,394 --> 00:13:19,796
You live in nice homes,
have a car to drive
303
00:13:19,797 --> 00:13:22,265
And clearly enough food to eat.
304
00:13:25,436 --> 00:13:27,937
You know, I let
the reindeer comment slide,
305
00:13:27,938 --> 00:13:29,973
But now you're just
poking the bear.
306
00:13:29,974 --> 00:13:32,909
What I am trying to say
is that this is a time
307
00:13:32,910 --> 00:13:35,979
To be with family and to share
joy with one another.
308
00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:37,814
Not schlepping
from store to store,
309
00:13:37,815 --> 00:13:39,616
Trying to find
some useless trinket
310
00:13:39,617 --> 00:13:41,317
To express
what is in your heart.
311
00:13:41,318 --> 00:13:42,852
Schlepping?
312
00:13:42,853 --> 00:13:44,187
It's christmas eve.
313
00:13:44,188 --> 00:13:46,289
This place is like jew central.
314
00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:53,496
My point is, there is nothing
in the world more precious
315
00:13:53,497 --> 00:13:57,033
Than the love that one human
being gives to another.
316
00:13:57,034 --> 00:13:58,635
That is the one
gift in life
317
00:13:58,636 --> 00:14:00,570
You cannot
put a price on.
318
00:14:00,571 --> 00:14:02,438
You're right.
319
00:14:02,439 --> 00:14:05,441
My problem is I been
putting a price on this.
320
00:14:05,442 --> 00:14:06,543
Thank you, samuel.
321
00:14:06,544 --> 00:14:07,610
You're a very wise man.
322
00:14:07,611 --> 00:14:10,246
Ah, enough schmoozing
already, boytchik.
323
00:14:10,247 --> 00:14:12,015
Get your tuchus out of here
324
00:14:12,016 --> 00:14:14,651
And go give your bubele
a nice christmas smooch.
325
00:14:17,688 --> 00:14:19,289
All right,
get ready to embark on
326
00:14:19,290 --> 00:14:22,692
An exciting new dimension
in home entertainment.
327
00:14:22,693 --> 00:14:24,460
Oh, vince, this is too much.
328
00:14:24,461 --> 00:14:25,662
Hey, it's christmas.
329
00:14:25,663 --> 00:14:27,630
Besides,
I'm taking it out in trade.
330
00:14:27,631 --> 00:14:30,266
I brought my
mistletoe belt buckle.
331
00:14:32,102 --> 00:14:34,337
You are a devil.
332
00:14:34,338 --> 00:14:36,005
Wait'll you see porn
on this thing.
333
00:14:36,006 --> 00:14:38,341
The clarity
is unbelievable.
334
00:14:38,342 --> 00:14:41,444
Provides a whole nother
level of filth.
335
00:14:43,547 --> 00:14:45,782
(sultry porn soundtrack playing)
336
00:14:51,789 --> 00:14:54,090
God bless the japanese.
337
00:14:54,992 --> 00:14:56,693
All right,
see you guys later.
338
00:14:56,694 --> 00:14:58,261
Whoa! What the hell?!
339
00:14:58,262 --> 00:15:00,396
Turn that off!
340
00:15:00,397 --> 00:15:03,032
Where you going, hon?
341
00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:04,867
Mike's mom's house.
We're exchanging gifts.
342
00:15:04,868 --> 00:15:06,502
I hope he likes
the jacket.
343
00:15:06,503 --> 00:15:08,104
He already does.
344
00:15:10,107 --> 00:15:13,409
Hey, who wants a gingerbread
man fresh out of the oven?
345
00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:14,978
Ooh, yummy.
346
00:15:14,979 --> 00:15:17,380
Fyi, don't eat these
if you're driving
347
00:15:17,381 --> 00:15:20,583
Or operating
any heavy machinery.
348
00:15:22,386 --> 00:15:26,155
However, if you're hitchhiking
to a reggae concert,
349
00:15:26,156 --> 00:15:28,258
I recommend two.
350
00:15:39,236 --> 00:15:41,971
Come on, jim,
we don't have all night.
351
00:15:41,972 --> 00:15:44,674
Open molly's gift.
352
00:15:45,976 --> 00:15:49,012
Why don't I
open it for him?
He prefers to do it himself.
353
00:15:50,314 --> 00:15:53,483
Jim, quit lollygagging,
you're embarrassing me.
354
00:15:55,586 --> 00:15:58,788
Mom, why don't I just
get it started for him.
355
00:15:58,789 --> 00:16:01,658
Oh, look, jim, a rubber bone.
Merry christmas.
356
00:16:03,794 --> 00:16:04,761
(bone squeaking)
357
00:16:04,762 --> 00:16:06,462
Oh, joy, and it squeaks, too.
358
00:16:06,463 --> 00:16:09,299
That ought
to drive me up a wall.
359
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:12,335
Well, I was gonna
get him a sweater
360
00:16:12,336 --> 00:16:14,203
But I wasn't sure
of his size.
361
00:16:14,204 --> 00:16:15,338
I'm glad you didn't.
362
00:16:15,339 --> 00:16:17,240
I think dressing dogs up
like people is weird.
363
00:16:17,241 --> 00:16:18,675
And vice-versa.
364
00:16:18,676 --> 00:16:20,576
You gonna open
your present, mikey?
365
00:16:20,577 --> 00:16:22,979
Okay.
366
00:16:22,980 --> 00:16:24,180
Socks and underwear?
367
00:16:24,181 --> 00:16:25,848
A christmas tradition.
368
00:16:28,652 --> 00:16:32,188
I figure your girlfriend can buy
you bow ties and top hats.
369
00:16:32,189 --> 00:16:34,324
Bow ties and top hats?
370
00:16:34,325 --> 00:16:36,959
Let it go.
371
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,628
I got you the kind that are
372
00:16:38,629 --> 00:16:40,630
Loose in the crotch,
to prevent chafing.
373
00:16:42,533 --> 00:16:44,701
When he was a boy,
374
00:16:44,702 --> 00:16:46,869
I had to butter
his thighs.
375
00:16:48,906 --> 00:16:51,307
Merry christmas, mom.
It's a fry daddy.
376
00:16:51,308 --> 00:16:53,609
Mike, don't spoil
the surprise.
377
00:16:53,610 --> 00:16:55,545
That's all right.
I hate surprises.
378
00:16:55,546 --> 00:16:56,846
Yours is mittens.
379
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:02,118
If you don't like 'em,
the receipt's in the box.
380
00:17:02,119 --> 00:17:03,453
I'm sure I'll love them.
381
00:17:03,454 --> 00:17:05,588
I wonder what
color they are?
Peggy: Red.
382
00:17:08,459 --> 00:17:09,792
Hold on.
383
00:17:09,793 --> 00:17:14,364
I believe I have a little
something in my secret pocket.
384
00:17:14,365 --> 00:17:15,998
Here, open mine.
385
00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:17,500
(chuckles)
okay.
386
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:18,735
(laughs)
387
00:17:18,736 --> 00:17:21,237
Did you get me
a pen and pencil set?
388
00:17:21,238 --> 00:17:22,338
(giggles)
389
00:17:22,339 --> 00:17:25,775
Holy crap.
390
00:17:25,776 --> 00:17:26,909
Are these real diamonds?
391
00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:28,745
Yep, and delicately clustered
392
00:17:28,746 --> 00:17:31,214
In a beautiful setting
of white gold.
393
00:17:31,215 --> 00:17:33,349
Oh, my god,
you can't afford this.
394
00:17:33,350 --> 00:17:34,384
Not a problem.
395
00:17:34,385 --> 00:17:35,918
I put it on a credit card
396
00:17:35,919 --> 00:17:38,221
And I can pay it off
in 110 easy payments.
397
00:17:38,222 --> 00:17:41,124
That-that's, like, nine years.
398
00:17:41,125 --> 00:17:42,625
Really?
399
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:46,162
Sales guy really didn't
spell it out in years.
400
00:17:46,163 --> 00:17:48,297
Mike, I can't accept this.
401
00:17:48,298 --> 00:17:49,832
Why not?
It's our first christmas,
402
00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:51,334
And I wanted to get you
something special.
403
00:17:51,335 --> 00:17:53,936
Absolutely not.
This is way too expensive.
404
00:17:53,937 --> 00:17:55,438
I don't care.
I want you to have it.
405
00:17:55,439 --> 00:17:56,439
But I don't want it.
406
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:57,407
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
407
00:17:57,408 --> 00:17:58,474
Hey, I love you
408
00:17:58,475 --> 00:18:01,377
And you can't put
a price on love.
409
00:18:01,378 --> 00:18:03,246
Hold on a second.
410
00:18:04,348 --> 00:18:06,549
You love me?
411
00:18:06,550 --> 00:18:09,385
Yeah.
412
00:18:09,386 --> 00:18:11,020
Is that okay?
413
00:18:12,489 --> 00:18:14,357
I love you, too.
414
00:18:14,358 --> 00:18:15,525
Really?
415
00:18:15,526 --> 00:18:16,959
More than anything.
416
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,995
But you're still not giving me
a diamond bracelet.
417
00:18:18,996 --> 00:18:21,197
Why not?
Because I don't want to spend
418
00:18:21,198 --> 00:18:22,331
The rest of our lives
419
00:18:22,332 --> 00:18:24,667
Paying off my first
christmas present.
420
00:18:27,237 --> 00:18:28,571
If you're really uncomfortable,
421
00:18:28,572 --> 00:18:30,840
I'll trade you
for the fry daddy.
422
00:18:33,210 --> 00:18:35,077
Hang on, ma.
423
00:18:35,078 --> 00:18:36,546
So you think we're
gonna be together
424
00:18:36,547 --> 00:18:38,714
For the rest
of our lives?
425
00:18:38,715 --> 00:18:40,683
Just... A figure of speech.
426
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,819
No, it's not.
I heard you say it.
427
00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:45,788
This was really sweet of you.
428
00:18:45,789 --> 00:18:48,324
But you saying, "I love you,"
429
00:18:48,325 --> 00:18:51,394
Is the only christmas present
I really want.
430
00:18:51,395 --> 00:18:52,528
Really?
431
00:18:52,529 --> 00:18:54,864
Really.
432
00:18:55,966 --> 00:18:58,501
Well, isn't this
a magical christmas.
433
00:19:00,437 --> 00:19:02,505
You get an expensive
piece of jewelry
434
00:19:02,506 --> 00:19:05,741
And I get a deep-fat fryer.
435
00:19:05,742 --> 00:19:08,010
God bless us, every one.
436
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,534
(fighter plane
machine guns firing)
437
00:19:15,535 --> 00:19:17,736
(plane diving, guns firing)
438
00:19:20,807 --> 00:19:23,108
Sayonara, tojo.
439
00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:26,078
I'm so glad you
like your xbox.
440
00:19:26,079 --> 00:19:27,479
Oh, it's the best
gift ever.
441
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,414
You sure you don't want
to rethink the bracelet?
442
00:19:29,415 --> 00:19:31,750
No. The day after christmas,
we're taking it back.
443
00:19:31,751 --> 00:19:34,653
But until then,
I'm not taking it off.
444
00:19:35,888 --> 00:19:37,255
That's probably
for the best.
445
00:19:37,256 --> 00:19:38,957
At least I'll
make rent this month.
446
00:19:38,958 --> 00:19:41,059
(molly laughs)
447
00:19:41,060 --> 00:19:44,796
Hey, who scarfed down
all my gingerbread men?
448
00:19:44,797 --> 00:19:45,831
Not me.
449
00:19:45,832 --> 00:19:47,399
(thud)
450
00:19:52,171 --> 00:19:54,339
Sweet dreams, maverick.
451
00:19:56,342 --> 00:19:59,478
-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/