1
00:00:03,488 --> 00:00:04,922
Here you are, gentlemen.
2
00:00:04,923 --> 00:00:07,858
A hot breakfast for two
of chicago's finest.
3
00:00:07,859 --> 00:00:10,027
In the spirit of christmas,
I have provided you each
4
00:00:10,028 --> 00:00:11,929
With a complimentary
sausage link.
5
00:00:11,930 --> 00:00:13,330
If you need anything else,
6
00:00:13,331 --> 00:00:16,466
Merely wave your hand and I will
appear like a magic genie.
7
00:00:18,703 --> 00:00:21,405
Boy, he becomes a total kiss-ass
at gift time, doesn't he?
8
00:00:21,406 --> 00:00:22,773
Mm-hmm.
9
00:00:22,774 --> 00:00:26,009
Yeah, the day before his
birthday, he gave me free bacon.
10
00:00:26,010 --> 00:00:28,478
So, did you finish all your
christmas shopping yet?
11
00:00:28,479 --> 00:00:29,613
Almost.
12
00:00:29,614 --> 00:00:32,115
I just bought grandma
a five-branch wig tree.
13
00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:33,984
She puts all her
different coifs on that,
14
00:00:33,985 --> 00:00:35,752
It's gonna look like
a jackson family reunion.
15
00:00:35,753 --> 00:00:38,388
All that's left to do
is swing by the car wash
16
00:00:38,389 --> 00:00:40,290
And pick up a few
stocking stuffers.
17
00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:41,558
Oh, so I guess I'm getting
18
00:00:41,559 --> 00:00:44,161
Another naked lady
car freshener.
19
00:00:44,162 --> 00:00:45,762
No, I'm not buying
any more of those.
20
00:00:45,763 --> 00:00:48,031
Thing didn't smell
anything like a naked lady.
21
00:00:48,933 --> 00:00:50,334
But don't worry,
I got you something
22
00:00:50,335 --> 00:00:51,702
You're really gonna like.
23
00:00:51,703 --> 00:00:54,037
That's what you said
about the singing rubber fish.
24
00:00:54,038 --> 00:00:55,739
That was a great gift.
Why'd you take it
25
00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:57,207
Out of the bathroom?
It was motion-activated.
26
00:00:57,208 --> 00:00:58,575
Every time I stood up to wipe,
27
00:00:58,576 --> 00:01:00,611
I heard
"don't worry, be happy."
28
00:01:02,447 --> 00:01:04,815
That's good advice
in any room of the house.
29
00:01:04,816 --> 00:01:06,550
So what'd you end up
getting for molly?
30
00:01:06,551 --> 00:01:08,085
I'm still circling
a couple things.
31
00:01:08,086 --> 00:01:10,354
You know, trying to narrow it
down, find the perfect gift.
32
00:01:10,355 --> 00:01:13,290
You got nothing, do you?
Not a damn thing.
33
00:01:13,291 --> 00:01:15,726
I have absolutely
no idea what the woman likes.
34
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:17,995
Well, apparently,
she likes big dumb guys.
35
00:01:19,697 --> 00:01:21,265
Well, it would be stupid
to get her
36
00:01:21,266 --> 00:01:23,000
Another one of those,
wouldn't it?
37
00:01:24,402 --> 00:01:26,069
Hey, how about
a gift card?
38
00:01:26,070 --> 00:01:29,139
You know what a gift card says?
"here, you do it."
39
00:01:30,942 --> 00:01:32,643
Which is barely
forgivable for your best friend,
40
00:01:32,644 --> 00:01:34,478
Let alone the woman
that you're sharing a bed with.
41
00:01:34,479 --> 00:01:36,413
Does that mean you didn't like
the macy's gift card
42
00:01:36,414 --> 00:01:37,814
I gave you last year?
43
00:01:37,815 --> 00:01:40,417
It was for $15.
I got a key chain.
44
00:01:40,418 --> 00:01:42,786
After I added $30
of my own money.
45
00:01:44,689 --> 00:01:47,591
Okay, so no gift cards.
This is how I learn.
46
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,194
I might be able to
scrape together enough
47
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:52,996
To buy molly a
nice piece of jewelry.
48
00:01:52,997 --> 00:01:54,865
Oh, no,
it sets the bar too high.
49
00:01:54,866 --> 00:01:56,566
You get her jewelry
on your first christmas,
50
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,902
There's no going back to
smoked salmon or bath beads.
51
00:01:58,903 --> 00:02:00,871
Yeah, but if I start too small,
52
00:02:00,872 --> 00:02:02,773
It's gonna look like
I don't care.
53
00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:04,174
Get her
a nice pair of shoes.
54
00:02:04,175 --> 00:02:05,676
Really?
Yeah, women love shoes.
55
00:02:05,677 --> 00:02:07,311
That's true, they do.
56
00:02:07,312 --> 00:02:09,079
Plus, molly's got those
beautiful feet.
57
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,580
Nice high arches,
58
00:02:10,581 --> 00:02:13,817
And sweet little toes that
always look impeccable.
59
00:02:16,321 --> 00:02:18,755
What are you doing looking
at my girlfriend's feet?
60
00:02:18,756 --> 00:02:20,590
Hey, I appreciate nice-looking
feet on a woman.
61
00:02:20,591 --> 00:02:22,559
And hers are outstanding.
62
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,695
She could be a flip-flop model.
63
00:02:26,631 --> 00:02:27,898
Know what?
64
00:02:27,899 --> 00:02:29,299
I'm taking your complimentary
sausage link,
65
00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:31,568
And I think you know why.
66
00:02:31,569 --> 00:02:34,604
Fine. If you don't want
my help, good luck.
67
00:02:34,605 --> 00:02:35,872
I don't even know her shoe size.
68
00:02:35,873 --> 00:02:36,840
Six and a half.
69
00:02:38,443 --> 00:02:41,078
Would you like
to spice up your coffee
70
00:02:41,079 --> 00:02:43,046
With a fresh cinnamon stick?
71
00:02:43,047 --> 00:02:45,048
Thank you, samuel.
Very nice of you.
72
00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:47,150
I wish I could do more,
but as you know,
73
00:02:47,151 --> 00:02:49,553
I am a humble man
of meager means.
74
00:02:53,791 --> 00:02:55,092
Here you go.
Merry christmas.
75
00:02:55,093 --> 00:02:58,195
Oh, what an unexpected surprise.
76
00:03:00,732 --> 00:03:02,866
Thank you so much.
77
00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:04,334
Hey, samuel,
we're out of cream over here.
78
00:03:04,335 --> 00:03:07,237
Well, we all have our little
problems, don't we, big guy?
79
00:03:08,106 --> 00:03:12,943
♪ for the first time
in my life ♪
80
00:03:12,944 --> 00:03:16,146
♪ I see love. ♪
81
00:03:28,538 --> 00:03:32,475
My god, it's like
the shoe warehouse in here.
82
00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:34,477
Six and a half.
83
00:03:34,478 --> 00:03:37,746
Son of a bitch was right.
84
00:03:37,747 --> 00:03:39,148
Molly:
Mike, you up here?
85
00:03:44,287 --> 00:03:45,888
What are you doing?
86
00:03:45,889 --> 00:03:48,457
I must've dozed off.
87
00:03:48,458 --> 00:03:49,925
Are you feeling okay?
88
00:03:49,926 --> 00:03:52,528
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just resting my eyes.
89
00:03:52,529 --> 00:03:55,130
Tough day
on the mean streets of chicago.
90
00:03:55,131 --> 00:03:56,265
You want to come downstairs?
91
00:03:56,266 --> 00:03:57,633
We're trimming the tree.
Great.
92
00:03:57,634 --> 00:03:59,735
I'll be down in a minute.
I can string the popcorn.
93
00:03:59,736 --> 00:04:01,837
Assuming you have
an ultrasonic popcorn popper
94
00:04:01,838 --> 00:04:04,673
With an automatic
butter dispenser.
95
00:04:04,674 --> 00:04:07,643
As a matter of fact, we do.
96
00:04:07,644 --> 00:04:09,778
Good. Good.
97
00:04:10,547 --> 00:04:12,147
Hey, you know what
would be fun?
98
00:04:12,148 --> 00:04:13,816
To put on some christmas
music down there.
99
00:04:13,817 --> 00:04:14,950
Do you have an ipod?
100
00:04:14,951 --> 00:04:16,051
Yes, I do.
101
00:04:16,052 --> 00:04:17,853
Why don't I go get it?
102
00:04:20,624 --> 00:04:22,091
Smooth. Real smooth.
103
00:04:22,092 --> 00:04:23,959
Do you have
an ultrasonic popcorn popper
104
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,895
With an automatic
butter dispenser?
105
00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:35,838
Well, it's official: I'm dating
clueless joe jackson.
106
00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:38,474
Yeah, he clearly hasn't had
a lot of girlfriends.
107
00:04:38,475 --> 00:04:41,110
Yesterday, he asked me
if you needed jumper cables
108
00:04:41,111 --> 00:04:44,513
Or if you'd ever shown
any interest in golf.
109
00:04:45,615 --> 00:04:48,217
I love that he's trying
to find the perfect gift.
110
00:04:48,218 --> 00:04:49,818
But he's running out of time,
111
00:04:49,819 --> 00:04:53,255
So I'm guessing I'll be getting
ear muffs and a fudge log.
112
00:04:55,292 --> 00:04:58,894
Which I'll love.
113
00:04:58,895 --> 00:05:00,329
What'd you get him?
114
00:05:00,330 --> 00:05:03,032
This really cool
leather bomber jacket.
115
00:05:03,033 --> 00:05:04,533
Has he been hinting for it?
116
00:05:04,534 --> 00:05:07,036
Not exactly,
but his favorite movies
117
00:05:07,037 --> 00:05:08,837
Are top gun and memphis belle,
118
00:05:08,838 --> 00:05:11,240
And every time
we drive somewhere,
119
00:05:11,241 --> 00:05:14,209
He pretends I'm his co-pilot.
120
00:05:14,210 --> 00:05:15,744
So it was
a reasonable guess.
121
00:05:15,745 --> 00:05:18,280
Roger that.
122
00:05:18,281 --> 00:05:21,817
Now, have you given him any
hints about what you want?
123
00:05:21,818 --> 00:05:23,819
Or are you
just gonna feign enthusiasm
124
00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:26,589
When he gives you a bedazzler?
125
00:05:26,590 --> 00:05:29,725
No, I've left
a couple of open catalogs
126
00:05:29,726 --> 00:05:31,860
Laying around
on the night stand.
127
00:05:31,861 --> 00:05:33,996
Well, you might want
to leave those catalogs
128
00:05:33,997 --> 00:05:37,032
In the refrigerator
or next to the crapper.
129
00:05:37,033 --> 00:05:40,669
Otherwise, you're gonna
be losing valuable closet space
130
00:05:40,670 --> 00:05:42,771
For a set of golf clubs.
131
00:05:42,772 --> 00:05:45,341
Hey, I'm not gonna put
a post-it on his forehead.
132
00:05:45,342 --> 00:05:47,276
I think it's important
for him to figure out
133
00:05:47,277 --> 00:05:49,044
The kind of gift I might like.
134
00:05:49,045 --> 00:05:52,014
And not just some stupid trip
on the same cruise ship
135
00:05:52,015 --> 00:05:54,116
That his wife and kids are on.
136
00:05:55,919 --> 00:05:59,254
That's messed up, right?
137
00:06:00,423 --> 00:06:01,523
Uh, yeah.
138
00:06:01,524 --> 00:06:03,225
Absolutely.
139
00:06:03,226 --> 00:06:05,661
I mean I still went.
140
00:06:06,896 --> 00:06:10,265
Ended up spending the whole time
getting high in my cabin.
141
00:06:11,968 --> 00:06:15,304
Boy, I sure do like weed.
142
00:06:21,111 --> 00:06:24,013
God bless her, she's always been
easy to shop for.
143
00:06:28,351 --> 00:06:29,451
I don't understand.
144
00:06:29,452 --> 00:06:31,053
Why not just get her
the deluxe thighmaster?
145
00:06:31,054 --> 00:06:33,455
Yeah, and how about if she
gets you the ab roller?
146
00:06:33,456 --> 00:06:35,391
Okay. Point taken.
147
00:06:35,392 --> 00:06:36,892
And what was the problem
148
00:06:36,893 --> 00:06:40,162
With the hickory farms
cheese and salami bouquet?
149
00:06:40,163 --> 00:06:42,498
You don't deserve a girlfriend.
150
00:06:44,234 --> 00:06:46,101
Cool! Bomber jacket!
151
00:06:46,102 --> 00:06:48,103
Hey, get away from that.
We're here for molly.
152
00:06:48,104 --> 00:06:49,672
Whoa, secret pocket.
153
00:06:49,673 --> 00:06:51,974
I can put stuff in there.
154
00:06:51,975 --> 00:06:54,176
It's gonna be cheaper
after christmas.
155
00:06:54,177 --> 00:06:55,978
Now get over here and let's
check out some lingerie.
156
00:06:55,979 --> 00:06:57,946
Carl, nobody likes getting
underwear for christmas.
157
00:06:57,947 --> 00:06:59,448
It's like a book
or socks...
158
00:06:59,449 --> 00:07:01,183
Or a $15 gift card.
159
00:07:03,186 --> 00:07:05,621
But we're not talking
about regular underwear,
160
00:07:05,622 --> 00:07:09,091
We're talking satin and
lace to rub on your face.
161
00:07:09,092 --> 00:07:12,461
But isn't lingerie more of
a gift for me than for her?
162
00:07:12,462 --> 00:07:16,098
Oh, like she was ever gonna see
any of that cheese and salami.
163
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,201
Now check this out.
164
00:07:19,202 --> 00:07:21,203
Nothing beats the
basic black merry widow
165
00:07:21,204 --> 00:07:23,839
That buttons
at the crotch for easy access.
166
00:07:25,275 --> 00:07:27,009
For going
to the bathroom, right?
167
00:07:27,010 --> 00:07:29,411
You really
don't deserve a girlfriend.
168
00:07:31,081 --> 00:07:34,616
Now, picture her in this...
169
00:07:34,617 --> 00:07:37,352
Maybe add a pair of
high-heeled, open-toed shoes
170
00:07:37,353 --> 00:07:40,756
To wear with it-- mm, mm, mm!
171
00:07:42,225 --> 00:07:45,194
See, now this image here,
this will haunt me.
172
00:07:47,497 --> 00:07:49,398
There you are.
173
00:07:49,399 --> 00:07:53,235
I knew I'd find you sniffing
around the ladies' underwear.
174
00:07:54,104 --> 00:07:56,972
Grandma, I'm still helping mike
175
00:07:56,973 --> 00:07:58,373
Look for a present for molly.
176
00:07:58,374 --> 00:08:00,109
Michael,
you're not taking gift advice
177
00:08:00,110 --> 00:08:02,144
From "panty claus," are you?
178
00:08:03,847 --> 00:08:07,516
Last good gift
he gave a woman was leaving.
179
00:08:08,785 --> 00:08:10,686
I know, nana,
but I'm desperate.
180
00:08:10,687 --> 00:08:12,254
It's real simple, sweetie:
181
00:08:12,255 --> 00:08:15,424
Just get her something nice that
she wouldn't buy for herself.
182
00:08:15,425 --> 00:08:18,761
How about a gift basket with ten
different color nail polishes.
183
00:08:18,762 --> 00:08:22,064
Turn those sweet little toes
of hers into a rainbow.
184
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,868
Hush up, buster brown.
185
00:08:27,570 --> 00:08:29,972
Just listen to her
when she talks.
186
00:08:29,973 --> 00:08:32,908
You'll be surprised how many
little clues she'll give you.
187
00:08:32,909 --> 00:08:34,743
Oh, my!
188
00:08:34,744 --> 00:08:37,913
Look at these!
189
00:08:37,914 --> 00:08:39,448
They look comfortable!
190
00:08:39,449 --> 00:08:42,951
And so soft, too!
191
00:08:42,952 --> 00:08:45,454
Did the knucklehead
get the message?
192
00:08:47,757 --> 00:08:49,424
I think so, nana.
193
00:08:49,425 --> 00:08:51,593
Watch your backs
and cover your cracks!
194
00:08:51,594 --> 00:08:53,328
I'm at eye-level here!
195
00:08:57,901 --> 00:08:59,802
So you gonna
buy her the slippers?
196
00:08:59,803 --> 00:09:00,969
Yeah.
197
00:09:00,970 --> 00:09:03,138
Looks like you're
getting a wig tree.
198
00:09:06,142 --> 00:09:07,643
So this one's
for victoria?
199
00:09:07,644 --> 00:09:10,145
Yeah... Don't ask me
what's in it
200
00:09:10,146 --> 00:09:13,248
And don't bring any
police dogs into the house.
201
00:09:15,084 --> 00:09:16,151
Gotcha.
202
00:09:16,152 --> 00:09:17,085
So that's it?
203
00:09:17,086 --> 00:09:18,120
You finished all
your shopping today?
204
00:09:18,121 --> 00:09:19,354
Yep. Thank god.
205
00:09:19,355 --> 00:09:21,123
It's a madhouse
out there.
206
00:09:21,124 --> 00:09:23,392
At one point, I just got
fed up and ducked into
207
00:09:23,393 --> 00:09:26,195
This little coffee shop
over on halsted.
208
00:09:26,196 --> 00:09:27,296
Oh, I know that one.
209
00:09:27,297 --> 00:09:28,330
It's right next to the pet store
210
00:09:28,331 --> 00:09:29,965
With all the exotic birds
in the window.
211
00:09:30,834 --> 00:09:32,034
Maybe, I don't know.
212
00:09:32,035 --> 00:09:35,204
But I do know the coffee
at that place is terrific
213
00:09:35,205 --> 00:09:39,274
Because they use a french press,
which I also think they sell.
214
00:09:40,243 --> 00:09:43,345
Cool. Have you ever
been in that pet store?
215
00:09:45,949 --> 00:09:48,217
They got all these cockatoos.
I think they're cockatoos.
216
00:09:48,218 --> 00:09:50,319
They're the ones with
the feather mohawk, right?
217
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:51,620
I'm not sure.
218
00:09:51,621 --> 00:09:54,223
I'm not really a bird expert.
219
00:09:54,224 --> 00:09:56,825
I guess I could go
look it up on my laptop.
220
00:09:56,826 --> 00:09:58,927
Ah... Wait...
221
00:09:58,928 --> 00:10:00,529
I left it in my car,
222
00:10:00,530 --> 00:10:03,432
Because the strap
on my bag broke.
223
00:10:03,433 --> 00:10:05,267
Yeah, same thing
happened to my gym bag.
224
00:10:05,268 --> 00:10:07,502
Little duct tape,
good as new.
225
00:10:10,473 --> 00:10:12,674
I don't know;
I've had it a long time.
226
00:10:12,675 --> 00:10:14,476
It's pretty beat up.
227
00:10:14,477 --> 00:10:16,044
Well, nothing lasts forever.
228
00:10:17,981 --> 00:10:19,548
Although I've heard
those exotic birds
229
00:10:19,549 --> 00:10:21,316
Can live up to
80 years...
230
00:10:21,317 --> 00:10:23,185
Mike, please don't
buy me a bird.
231
00:10:23,186 --> 00:10:25,520
Well, then I don't know
what the hell to get you!
232
00:10:25,521 --> 00:10:26,855
You're a closed book, lady!
233
00:10:26,856 --> 00:10:28,156
No, I'm not!
234
00:10:28,157 --> 00:10:31,126
I'm an open catalog
laying on the nightstand.
235
00:10:33,897 --> 00:10:35,864
I don't know what that means.
236
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,700
I'm lost!
237
00:10:38,701 --> 00:10:40,502
I was in the mall
for six hours today!
238
00:10:40,503 --> 00:10:41,536
The only thing I bought
239
00:10:41,537 --> 00:10:43,205
Was a diet sprite,
a fat-free lemon bar
240
00:10:43,206 --> 00:10:45,607
And a really cool
bomber jacket for myself.
241
00:10:45,608 --> 00:10:48,343
Bomber... Bomber jacket?
242
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:57,021
I can't believe
it's christmas eve
243
00:10:57,022 --> 00:10:58,189
And here I am
wandering around
244
00:10:58,190 --> 00:10:59,791
With all the other
last-minute losers.
245
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:02,293
I'm not like you people.
246
00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:05,697
Calm down. So what if you
slipped up this year?
247
00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:06,898
Oh, I slipped up?
248
00:11:06,899 --> 00:11:08,933
Who's the one
who let him walk out of here
249
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:11,269
With a bomber jacket?
What was I gonna do?
250
00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:13,338
I was helping grandma get her
rascal down the escalator,
251
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,640
He wandered off and then
came back eating a lemon bar
252
00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:16,941
And wearing a bomber jacket.
253
00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:20,712
It's like going to the mall
with a 300-pound toddler.
254
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:22,380
I am so screwed, carl.
255
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:25,083
We are exchanging gifts
at his mom's house tonight.
256
00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:26,251
All right.
257
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,219
We got a little bit of time
before the stores close.
258
00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:29,254
Let's not complicate
the situation.
259
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,556
Mike is a simple man
with simple tastes.
260
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:34,392
Okay, what about
a nice cologne?
261
00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:36,060
No, smells are lost on him.
262
00:11:36,061 --> 00:11:38,196
He gets into the squad car
with dog crap on his shoes,
263
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:40,698
Doesn't even phase him.
264
00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:43,768
One time he thought
we were passing a bakery.
265
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:45,904
All right,
what about cuff links?
266
00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:48,072
Sure! How about
a kimono and ballet shoes?
267
00:11:48,073 --> 00:11:50,141
Hey, I'm under
a lot of pressure right now.
268
00:11:50,142 --> 00:11:51,609
I could do without the sarcasm.
269
00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:53,311
ooh! Cashmere scarves...
270
00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:55,613
Ah, yes, what you get
the man with no neck.
271
00:11:55,614 --> 00:11:58,650
Come on,
you work with him all day long.
272
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:00,919
He must have told you
something that he really wants.
273
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:01,920
Ah, well, let's see.
274
00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:03,555
A girlfriend: Got one.
Bomber jacket: Check.
275
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,856
One of those helmets
276
00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:07,458
That holds two cans of beer
and has a drinking tube...
277
00:12:07,459 --> 00:12:08,960
Well, I'm not getting him that.
278
00:12:08,961 --> 00:12:10,595
Good, 'cause I already did.
279
00:12:11,964 --> 00:12:13,965
Perfect.
The man's got everything.
280
00:12:13,966 --> 00:12:15,767
You know, he likes video games.
281
00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:17,402
Video games?
282
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:19,938
Move, move, move, move!
283
00:12:19,939 --> 00:12:21,573
Move the baby!
Move the baby!
284
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:27,445
Come on! Toy store!
Let's go!
285
00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:29,280
This is not a drill!
286
00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,623
I hate christmas.
287
00:12:40,292 --> 00:12:43,061
What happened?
Did your reindeer finally quit?
288
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,599
I've been in every store
on michigan avenue
289
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:51,102
Trying to find the perfect gift
for molly and I can't do it.
290
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,371
Well, in my village
we have an old proverb:
291
00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:56,007
"when in doubt,
say it with cattle."
292
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,345
I can't give her a cow.
She doesn't even want a bird.
293
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:02,213
I don't know, I keep looking
for something that says
294
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:03,781
You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.
295
00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:05,750
And so far,
the closest thing I found
296
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,485
Is an embroidered sweatshirt
297
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:10,555
That says, "you're the greatest
thing that ever happened to me."
298
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:13,124
I cannot believe
the pressure you americans
299
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,826
Put on yourself at the holidays.
300
00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:15,893
And why?
301
00:13:15,894 --> 00:13:18,296
You live in nice homes,
have a car to drive
302
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,765
And clearly enough food to eat.
303
00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:26,437
You know, I let
the reindeer comment slide,
304
00:13:26,438 --> 00:13:28,473
But now you're just
poking the bear.
305
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:31,409
What I am trying to say
is that this is a time
306
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:34,479
To be with family and to share
joy with one another.
307
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,314
Not schlepping
from store to store,
308
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,116
Trying to find
some useless trinket
309
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:39,817
To express
what is in your heart.
310
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:41,352
Schlepping?
311
00:13:41,353 --> 00:13:42,687
It's christmas eve.
312
00:13:42,688 --> 00:13:44,789
This place is like jew central.
313
00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:51,996
My point is, there is nothing
in the world more precious
314
00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:55,533
Than the love that one human
being gives to another.
315
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:57,135
That is the one
gift in life
316
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:59,070
You cannot
put a price on.
317
00:13:59,071 --> 00:14:00,938
You're right.
318
00:14:00,939 --> 00:14:03,941
My problem is I been
putting a price on this.
319
00:14:03,942 --> 00:14:05,043
Thank you, samuel.
320
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:06,110
You're a very wise man.
321
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:08,746
Ah, enough schmoozing
already, boytchik.
322
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:10,515
Get your tuchus out of here
323
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,151
And go give your bubele
a nice christmas smooch.
324
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:17,789
All right,
get ready to embark on
325
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:21,192
An exciting new dimension
in home entertainment.
326
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,960
Oh, vince, this is too much.
327
00:14:22,961 --> 00:14:24,162
Hey, it's christmas.
328
00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:26,130
Besides,
I'm taking it out in trade.
329
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:28,766
I brought my
mistletoe belt buckle.
330
00:14:30,602 --> 00:14:32,837
You are a devil.
331
00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:34,505
Wait'll you see porn
on this thing.
332
00:14:34,506 --> 00:14:36,841
The clarity
is unbelievable.
333
00:14:36,842 --> 00:14:39,944
Provides a whole nother
level of filth.
334
00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:52,590
God bless the japanese.
335
00:14:53,492 --> 00:14:55,193
All right,
see you guys later.
336
00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:56,761
Whoa! What the hell?!
337
00:14:56,762 --> 00:14:58,896
Turn that off!
338
00:14:58,897 --> 00:15:01,532
Where you going, hon?
339
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,367
Mike's mom's house.
We're exchanging gifts.
340
00:15:03,368 --> 00:15:05,002
I hope he likes
the jacket.
341
00:15:05,003 --> 00:15:06,604
He already does.
342
00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:11,909
Hey, who wants a gingerbread
man fresh out of the oven?
343
00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:13,478
Ooh, yummy.
344
00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:15,880
Fyi, don't eat these
if you're driving
345
00:15:15,881 --> 00:15:19,083
Or operating
any heavy machinery.
346
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:24,655
However, if you're hitchhiking
to a reggae concert,
347
00:15:24,656 --> 00:15:26,758
I recommend two.
348
00:15:37,736 --> 00:15:40,471
Come on, jim,
we don't have all night.
349
00:15:40,472 --> 00:15:43,174
Open molly's gift.
350
00:15:44,476 --> 00:15:47,512
Why don't I
open it for him?
He prefers to do it himself.
351
00:15:48,814 --> 00:15:51,983
Jim, quit lollygagging,
you're embarrassing me.
352
00:15:54,086 --> 00:15:57,288
Mom, why don't I just
get it started for him.
353
00:15:57,289 --> 00:16:00,158
Oh, look, jim, a rubber bone.
Merry christmas.
354
00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:04,962
Oh, joy, and it squeaks, too.
355
00:16:04,963 --> 00:16:07,799
That ought
to drive me up a wall.
356
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,835
Well, I was gonna
get him a sweater
357
00:16:10,836 --> 00:16:12,703
But I wasn't sure
of his size.
358
00:16:12,704 --> 00:16:13,838
I'm glad you didn't.
359
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,740
I think dressing dogs up
like people is weird.
360
00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:17,175
And vice-versa.
361
00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:19,076
You gonna open
your present, mikey?
362
00:16:19,077 --> 00:16:21,479
Okay.
363
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,680
Socks and underwear?
364
00:16:22,681 --> 00:16:24,348
A christmas tradition.
365
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:30,688
I figure your girlfriend can buy
you bow ties and top hats.
366
00:16:30,689 --> 00:16:32,824
Bow ties and top hats?
367
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,459
Let it go.
368
00:16:35,460 --> 00:16:37,128
I got you the kind that are
369
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:39,130
Loose in the crotch,
to prevent chafing.
370
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,201
When he was a boy,
371
00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:45,369
I had to butter
his thighs.
372
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:49,807
Merry christmas, mom.
It's a fry daddy.
373
00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:52,109
Mike, don't spoil
the surprise.
374
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:54,045
That's all right.
I hate surprises.
375
00:16:54,046 --> 00:16:55,346
Yours is mittens.
376
00:16:58,083 --> 00:17:00,618
If you don't like 'em,
the receipt's in the box.
377
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:01,953
I'm sure I'll love them.
378
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:04,088
I wonder what
color they are?
Peggy: Red.
379
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,292
Hold on.
380
00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:12,864
I believe I have a little
something in my secret pocket.
381
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,498
Here, open mine.
382
00:17:14,499 --> 00:17:16,000
okay.
383
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:19,737
Did you get me
a pen and pencil set?
384
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:24,275
Holy crap.
385
00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:25,409
Are these real diamonds?
386
00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:27,245
Yep, and delicately clustered
387
00:17:27,246 --> 00:17:29,714
In a beautiful setting
of white gold.
388
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,849
Oh, my god,
you can't afford this.
389
00:17:31,850 --> 00:17:32,884
Not a problem.
390
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,418
I put it on a credit card
391
00:17:34,419 --> 00:17:36,721
And I can pay it off
in 110 easy payments.
392
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,624
That-that's, like, nine years.
393
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,125
Really?
394
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:44,662
Sales guy really didn't
spell it out in years.
395
00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:46,797
Mike, I can't accept this.
396
00:17:46,798 --> 00:17:48,332
Why not?
It's our first christmas,
397
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:49,834
And I wanted to get you
something special.
398
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:52,436
Absolutely not.
This is way too expensive.
399
00:17:52,437 --> 00:17:53,938
I don't care.
I want you to have it.
400
00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:54,939
But I don't want it.
401
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:55,907
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
402
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:56,974
Hey, I love you
403
00:17:56,975 --> 00:17:59,877
And you can't put
a price on love.
404
00:17:59,878 --> 00:18:01,746
Hold on a second.
405
00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:05,049
You love me?
406
00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:07,885
Yeah.
407
00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:09,520
Is that okay?
408
00:18:10,989 --> 00:18:12,857
I love you, too.
409
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,025
Really?
410
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,459
More than anything.
411
00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:17,495
But you're still not giving me
a diamond bracelet.
412
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:19,697
Why not?
Because I don't want to spend
413
00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:20,831
The rest of our lives
414
00:18:20,832 --> 00:18:23,167
Paying off my first
christmas present.
415
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:27,071
If you're really uncomfortable,
416
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:29,340
I'll trade you
for the fry daddy.
417
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:33,577
Hang on, ma.
418
00:18:33,578 --> 00:18:35,046
So you think we're
gonna be together
419
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:37,214
For the rest
of our lives?
420
00:18:37,215 --> 00:18:39,183
Just... A figure of speech.
421
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:41,319
No, it's not.
I heard you say it.
422
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,288
This was really sweet of you.
423
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:46,824
But you saying, "I love you,"
424
00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:49,894
Is the only christmas present
I really want.
425
00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:51,028
Really?
426
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:53,364
Really.
427
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:57,001
Well, isn't this
a magical christmas.
428
00:18:58,937 --> 00:19:01,005
You get an expensive
piece of jewelry
429
00:19:01,006 --> 00:19:04,241
And I get a deep-fat fryer.
430
00:19:04,242 --> 00:19:06,510
God bless us, every one.
431
00:19:20,307 --> 00:19:22,608
Sayonara, tojo.
432
00:19:23,710 --> 00:19:25,578
I'm so glad you
like your xbox.
433
00:19:25,579 --> 00:19:26,979
Oh, it's the best
gift ever.
434
00:19:26,980 --> 00:19:28,914
You sure you don't want
to rethink the bracelet?
435
00:19:28,915 --> 00:19:31,250
No. The day after christmas,
we're taking it back.
436
00:19:31,251 --> 00:19:34,153
But until then,
I'm not taking it off.
437
00:19:35,388 --> 00:19:36,755
That's probably
for the best.
438
00:19:36,756 --> 00:19:38,457
At least I'll
make rent this month.
439
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,296
Hey, who scarfed down
all my gingerbread men?
440
00:19:44,297 --> 00:19:45,331
Not me.
441
00:19:51,671 --> 00:19:53,839
Sweet dreams, maverick.