1
00:00:05,522 --> 00:00:09,959
Here you are, gentlemen.
A hot breakfast for two of Chicago's finest.

2
00:00:10,126 --> 00:00:14,028
In the spirit of Christmas, I have provided
you with a complimentary sausage link.

3
00:00:14,197 --> 00:00:19,134
If you need anything else, merely wave your
hand and I will appear like a magic genie.

4
00:00:20,970 --> 00:00:23,336
Boy, he becomes a total kiss-ass
at gift time, doesn't he?

5
00:00:23,506 --> 00:00:24,871
CARL:
Mm-hm.

6
00:00:25,041 --> 00:00:27,874
Yeah, the day before his birthday,
he gave me free bacon.

7
00:00:28,845 --> 00:00:30,540
Finish your Christmas shopping yet?

8
00:00:30,714 --> 00:00:33,410
Almost. I just bought Grandma
a five-branch wig tree.

9
00:00:33,583 --> 00:00:35,141
She puts all her coifs on that...

10
00:00:35,318 --> 00:00:37,809
...it's gonna look
like a Jackson family reunion.

11
00:00:38,822 --> 00:00:42,314
All that's left to do is swing
by the car wash, pick up stocking stuffers.

12
00:00:42,492 --> 00:00:46,087
Oh, so I guess I'm getting
another naked lady car freshener.

13
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:49,955
No, I'm not buying any more of those.
Thing didn't smell like a naked lady.

14
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,800
Don't worry,
I got you something you're gonna like.

15
00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:56,165
That's what you
said about the singing fish.

16
00:00:56,339 --> 00:00:59,331
-Why'd you take it out of the bathroom?
-lt was motion-activated.

17
00:00:59,509 --> 00:01:02,535
Every time I stood up to wipe,
I heard "Don't Worry, Be Happy."

18
00:01:04,781 --> 00:01:07,079
That's good advice
in any room of the house.

19
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:10,117
-What'd you get Molly?
-I'm still circling a couple things.

20
00:01:10,286 --> 00:01:12,481
Trying to narrow it down,
find the perfect gift.

21
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:15,146
-Got nothing, do you?
-Not a damn thing.

22
00:01:15,525 --> 00:01:17,857
And I have absolutely no idea
what the woman likes.

23
00:01:18,027 --> 00:01:19,927
Well, apparently,
she likes big dumb guys.

24
00:01:21,898 --> 00:01:24,924
It would be stupid to get her
another one of those, wouldn't it?

25
00:01:25,101 --> 00:01:26,398
[CHUCKLES]

26
00:01:26,569 --> 00:01:28,196
Hey, how about a gift card?

27
00:01:28,371 --> 00:01:31,067
Hmm. You know what a gift card says?
"Here, you do it."

28
00:01:33,209 --> 00:01:36,542
Barely forgivable for your best friend,
let alone a woman.

29
00:01:36,713 --> 00:01:39,944
Does that mean you didn't like
the Macy's gift card I gave you?

30
00:01:40,116 --> 00:01:42,380
It was for $15. I got a key chain.

31
00:01:42,786 --> 00:01:45,653
After I added $30 of my own money.

32
00:01:46,656 --> 00:01:50,183
Okay, so no gift card.
This is how I learn.

33
00:01:51,694 --> 00:01:55,130
I might be able to scrape together
enough to buy Molly a piece of jewelry.

34
00:01:55,298 --> 00:01:56,959
Oh, no, that sets the bar too high.

35
00:01:57,133 --> 00:02:00,933
You get her jewelry, there's no going back
to smoked salmon or bath beads.

36
00:02:02,105 --> 00:02:04,869
But if I start too small,
it's gonna look like I don't care.

37
00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,065
Get a pair of shoes.

38
00:02:06,242 --> 00:02:07,732
-Really?
-Yeah, women love shoes.

39
00:02:07,911 --> 00:02:09,378
-It's true, they do.
-Mm.

40
00:02:09,679 --> 00:02:11,306
Molly's got those beautiful feet.

41
00:02:11,481 --> 00:02:15,611
Just nice high arches and sweet little toes
that always look impeccable.

42
00:02:18,354 --> 00:02:20,879
What are you doing
looking at my girlfriend's feet?

43
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:24,424
Hey, I appreciate nice-looking feet
on a woman, and hers are outstanding.

44
00:02:24,594 --> 00:02:26,619
She could be a flip-flop model.

45
00:02:28,932 --> 00:02:32,368
Know what? I'm taking your complimentary
sausage link, and I think you know why.

46
00:02:32,535 --> 00:02:33,661
[CARL CHUCKLES]

47
00:02:34,604 --> 00:02:36,629
Fine. If you don't want my help,
good luck.

48
00:02:36,806 --> 00:02:38,774
-I don't know her size.
-Six and a half.

49
00:02:41,878 --> 00:02:44,938
Would you like to spice up your coffee
with a fresh cinnamon stick?

50
00:02:45,114 --> 00:02:47,014
-Thank you, Samuel.
-That's very nice of you.

51
00:02:47,183 --> 00:02:51,483
I wish I could do more, but as you know,
I am a humble man of meager means.

52
00:02:56,025 --> 00:02:57,583
-Here you go.
-Merry Christmas.

53
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,126
Oh, what an unexpected surprise.

54
00:03:02,999 --> 00:03:06,435
-Thank you so much.
-Hey, Samuel, we're out of cream here.

55
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,163
Well, we all have our little problems,
don't we, big guy?

56
00:03:31,761 --> 00:03:34,821
My God,
it's like the Shoe Warehouse in here.

57
00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:39,731
Six and a half. Son of a bitch was right.

58
00:03:40,770 --> 00:03:41,896
MOLLY:
Mike, you up here?

59
00:03:47,277 --> 00:03:48,471
What are you doing?

60
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,443
Oh, I must've dozed off.

61
00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:52,906
Are you feeling okay?

62
00:03:53,082 --> 00:03:55,550
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just, uh, resting my eyes.

63
00:03:55,718 --> 00:03:58,016
Tough day on the mean streets
of Chicago.

64
00:03:58,254 --> 00:04:00,586
You wanna come downstairs?
We're trimming the tree.

65
00:04:00,757 --> 00:04:02,247
Great, I can string the popcorn.

66
00:04:02,425 --> 00:04:04,825
Assuming you have
an ultrasonic popcorn popper...

67
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:07,485
...with an automatic butter dispenser.

68
00:04:08,564 --> 00:04:10,555
As a matter of fact, we do.

69
00:04:10,733 --> 00:04:12,530
Good. Good.

70
00:04:13,903 --> 00:04:16,736
You know what would be fun?
To put on some Christmas music.

71
00:04:16,906 --> 00:04:18,999
-Do you have an iPod?
-Yes, I do.

72
00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:21,166
Why don't I go get it?

73
00:04:23,579 --> 00:04:24,944
Smooth. Real smooth.

74
00:04:25,114 --> 00:04:28,914
"Do you have an ultrasonic popcorn popper
with an automatic butter dispenser?"

75
00:04:33,423 --> 00:04:34,447
[MOLLY SlGHS]

76
00:04:34,624 --> 00:04:38,025
Well, it's official.
I'm dating Clueless Joe Jackson.

77
00:04:38,795 --> 00:04:41,457
Yeah, he clearly hasn't had
a lot of girlfriends.

78
00:04:41,631 --> 00:04:44,122
Yesterday, he asked me
if you needed jumper cables...

79
00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:47,269
...or if you'd ever shown any interest
in golf.

80
00:04:48,905 --> 00:04:52,773
I love that he's trying to find the perfect
gift, but he's running out of time.

81
00:04:52,942 --> 00:04:55,433
So I'm guessing I'll be getting earmuffs
and a fudge log.

82
00:04:55,611 --> 00:04:58,045
[SlGHS]

83
00:04:58,614 --> 00:05:01,378
Which I'll love.

84
00:05:02,251 --> 00:05:03,275
What'd you get him?

85
00:05:03,453 --> 00:05:05,944
Hmm, this really cool
leather bomber jacket.

86
00:05:06,122 --> 00:05:07,487
Has he been hinting for it?

87
00:05:07,757 --> 00:05:11,750
Not exactly, but his favorite movies
are Top Gun and Memphis Belle.

88
00:05:11,928 --> 00:05:16,763
And every time we drive somewhere,
he pretends I'm his copilot.

89
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:20,736
-So it was a reasonable guess.
-Roger that.

90
00:05:21,637 --> 00:05:24,800
Now, have you given him any hints
about what you want?

91
00:05:24,974 --> 00:05:29,172
You just gonna feign enthusiasm
when he gives you a BeDazzler?

92
00:05:30,446 --> 00:05:34,815
No. I've left a couple open catalogs
lying around on the nightstands.

93
00:05:34,984 --> 00:05:39,978
Well, you might wanna leave those catalogs
in the refrigerator or next to the crapper.

94
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:45,694
Otherwise, you're gonna be losing valuable
closet space for a set of golf clubs.

95
00:05:45,962 --> 00:05:48,362
Hey, I'm not gonna put a Post-it
on his forehead.

96
00:05:48,531 --> 00:05:51,989
I think it's important for him
to figure out the kind of gift I might like.

97
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:55,135
And not just some stupid trip
on the same cruise ship...

98
00:05:55,304 --> 00:05:57,829
...that his wife and kids are on.

99
00:05:59,509 --> 00:06:01,807
That's messed up, right?

100
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,142
-Uh, yeah.
-Absolutely.

101
00:06:06,315 --> 00:06:08,442
I mean, I still went.

102
00:06:10,019 --> 00:06:13,819
Ended up spending the whole time
getting high in my cabin.

103
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:19,018
Boy, I sure do like weed.

104
00:06:23,099 --> 00:06:27,399
Yeah, God bless her,
she's always been easy to shop for.

105
00:06:31,407 --> 00:06:33,932
I don't understand.
Why not get her the ThighMaster?

106
00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:36,135
And how about if she gets you
the Ab Roller?

107
00:06:36,312 --> 00:06:38,303
Okay. Point taken.

108
00:06:38,681 --> 00:06:43,015
But what was the problem with the Hickory
Farms cheese and salami bouquet?

109
00:06:43,686 --> 00:06:45,244
You don't deserve a girlfriend.

110
00:06:47,223 --> 00:06:49,020
Cool. Bomber jacket.

111
00:06:49,192 --> 00:06:54,630
-Get away from that. We're here for Molly.
-Secret pocket. I could put stuff in there.

112
00:06:55,131 --> 00:06:58,726
It's gonna be cheaper after Christmas.
Get over here and check some lingerie.

113
00:06:58,901 --> 00:07:02,359
Nobody likes getting underwear
for Christmas. It's like a book or socks.

114
00:07:02,538 --> 00:07:03,937
Or a 15-dollar gift card.

115
00:07:06,409 --> 00:07:08,570
But we're not talking
about regular underwear.

116
00:07:08,744 --> 00:07:11,838
We're talking satin and lace
to rub on your face.

117
00:07:12,415 --> 00:07:15,441
But isn't lingerie more of a gift for me
than for her?

118
00:07:15,618 --> 00:07:18,985
Oh, like she was ever gonna see
any of that cheese and salami.

119
00:07:20,790 --> 00:07:21,984
Now, check this out.

120
00:07:22,158 --> 00:07:26,595
Nothing beats the basic Black Merry Widow
that buttons at the crotch for easy access.

121
00:07:28,397 --> 00:07:32,197
-For going to the bathroom, right?
-You really don't deserve a girlfriend.

122
00:07:34,437 --> 00:07:36,735
Now, picture her in this.

123
00:07:38,274 --> 00:07:40,834
Maybe add a pair of high-heeled,
open-toed shoes to wear with it.

124
00:07:41,010 --> 00:07:43,535
Mm, mm, mm.

125
00:07:45,381 --> 00:07:47,941
See, now, this image here,
this will haunt me.

126
00:07:50,419 --> 00:07:52,250
There you are.

127
00:07:52,421 --> 00:07:55,982
I knew I'd find you
sniffing around the ladies' underwear.

128
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:01,287
Grandma, I'm still helping Mike
look for a present for Molly.

129
00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:04,922
Michael, you're not taking gift advice
from Panty Claus, are you?

130
00:08:07,003 --> 00:08:10,268
Last good gift he gave a woman
was leaving.

131
00:08:11,707 --> 00:08:13,572
I know, Nana, but I'm desperate.

132
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:15,176
It's real simple, sweetie.

133
00:08:15,344 --> 00:08:18,404
Just get her something nice
that she wouldn't buy for herself.

134
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:21,516
How about a gift basket
with 10 different-colored nail polishes.

135
00:08:21,684 --> 00:08:24,812
Turn those sweet little toes of hers
into a rainbow.

136
00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:28,613
Hush up, Buster Brown.

137
00:08:30,993 --> 00:08:32,790
Just listen to her when she talks.

138
00:08:32,962 --> 00:08:35,795
You'll be surprised how many little clues
she'll give you.

139
00:08:35,965 --> 00:08:40,834
Oh, my, look at these.

140
00:08:41,003 --> 00:08:45,440
They look comfortable. And so soft too.

141
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:48,206
Did the knucklehead get the message?

142
00:08:50,846 --> 00:08:52,370
I think so, Nana.

143
00:08:52,548 --> 00:08:56,109
Watch your backs and cover your cracks.
I'm at eye level here.

144
00:09:01,324 --> 00:09:03,849
-So you gonna buy her the slippers?
-Yeah.

145
00:09:04,026 --> 00:09:06,221
Looks like you're getting a wig tree.

146
00:09:08,931 --> 00:09:10,489
So this one's for Victoria?

147
00:09:10,666 --> 00:09:11,792
Yeah.

148
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:16,564
Don't ask me what's in it and don't bring
any police dogs into the house.

149
00:09:18,341 --> 00:09:20,809
So that's it?
You finished all your shopping today?

150
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:24,037
Yep. Thank God.
It's a madhouse out there.

151
00:09:24,213 --> 00:09:29,150
At one point, I just got fed up and ducked
into this little coffee shop over on Halsted.

152
00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:32,719
Oh, I know that one. It's next to the
pet store with the birds in the window.

153
00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:37,858
Maybe. I don't know. But I do know that
the coffee at that place is terrific...

154
00:09:38,027 --> 00:09:42,657
... because they use a French press,
which I also think they sell.

155
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:46,091
Cool. Have you ever been
in that pet store?

156
00:09:49,038 --> 00:09:51,370
They got cockatoos.
I think they're cockatoos.

157
00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:53,201
The ones with
the feathered Mohawk, right?

158
00:09:53,376 --> 00:09:57,073
I'm not sure.
I'm not really a bird expert.

159
00:09:57,647 --> 00:09:59,308
Guess I could go look it up
on my laptop.

160
00:09:59,482 --> 00:10:02,076
Ah, wait.

161
00:10:02,251 --> 00:10:06,381
I left it in my car
because the strap on my bag broke.

162
00:10:06,555 --> 00:10:10,491
Yeah. Same thing happened to my gym bag.
Little duct tape, good as new.

163
00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:15,520
I don't know. I've had it a long time.

164
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,792
-It's pretty beat up.
-Well, nothing lasts forever.

165
00:10:21,103 --> 00:10:24,231
Although I've heard those exotic birds
can live up to 80 years.

166
00:10:24,407 --> 00:10:28,104
-Mike, please don't buy me a bird.
-I don't know what the hell to get you.

167
00:10:28,277 --> 00:10:29,744
You're a closed book, lady.

168
00:10:29,912 --> 00:10:34,508
No, I'm not. I'm an open catalog
laying on the nightstand.

169
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,618
I don't know what that means.

170
00:10:40,623 --> 00:10:43,251
I'm lost.
I was in the mall for six hours today.

171
00:10:43,426 --> 00:10:46,122
The only thing I bought was a Diet Sprite,
a lemon bar...

172
00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:48,456
...and a really cool bomber jacket
for myself.

173
00:10:49,665 --> 00:10:52,133
Bomber jacket?

174
00:11:00,543 --> 00:11:04,035
It's Christmas Eve and here I am
with all the other last-minute losers.

175
00:11:04,213 --> 00:11:06,306
I'm not like you people.

176
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,249
Calm down.
So what if you slipped up this year?

177
00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:13,547
Oh, I slipped up? Who let him walk
out of here with a bomber jacket?

178
00:11:13,723 --> 00:11:14,781
What was I gonna do?

179
00:11:14,957 --> 00:11:17,517
I was helping Grandma get her Rascal
down the escalator.

180
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:21,459
He wandered off and came back eating
a lemon bar and wearing a bomber jacket.

181
00:11:21,630 --> 00:11:24,793
It's like going to the mall
with a 300-pound toddler.

182
00:11:25,735 --> 00:11:27,168
I am so screwed, Carl.

183
00:11:27,336 --> 00:11:30,169
I-- We are exchanging gifts
at his mom's house tonight.

184
00:11:30,339 --> 00:11:33,831
We got time before the stores close.
Let's not complicate the situation.

185
00:11:34,009 --> 00:11:36,136
Mike is a simple man with simple tastes.

186
00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:37,703
[MOLLY SlGHS]

187
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,508
-Okay, what about a nice cologne?
-No, smells are lost on him.

188
00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:44,619
He gets into the squad car with dog crap
on his shoes, doesn't even faze him.

189
00:11:45,221 --> 00:11:47,883
One time,
he thought we were passing a bakery.

190
00:11:48,391 --> 00:11:49,881
All right, what about cuff links?

191
00:11:50,059 --> 00:11:52,619
Uh, sure. How about a kimono
and ballet shoes?

192
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:56,162
I'm under a lot of pressure right now.
I could do without the sarcasm.

193
00:11:56,332 --> 00:11:57,697
Ooh, cashmere scarves.

194
00:11:57,867 --> 00:12:00,165
Ah, yes.
What you get the man with no neck.

195
00:12:01,404 --> 00:12:03,463
Come on,
you work with him all day long.

196
00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:05,869
He must've told you something
that he wants.

197
00:12:06,041 --> 00:12:09,477
Uh, well, let's see. Uh, girlfriend, got one.
Bomber jacket, check.

198
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:11,909
One of those helmets
that holds two cans of beer.

199
00:12:12,081 --> 00:12:14,982
-Well, I'm not getting him that.
-Good, because I already did.

200
00:12:16,519 --> 00:12:20,250
-Perfect. The man's got everything.
-Well, you know, he likes video games.

201
00:12:20,556 --> 00:12:22,319
Video games?

202
00:12:22,958 --> 00:12:26,860
Go. Move, move, move!
Move the baby! Move that baby!

203
00:12:30,099 --> 00:12:33,660
Come on, toy store, let's go!
This is not a drill!

204
00:12:41,544 --> 00:12:43,739
I hate Christmas.

205
00:12:45,047 --> 00:12:47,413
What happened?
Did your reindeer finally quit?

206
00:12:50,152 --> 00:12:53,610
Been in every store on Michigan Avenue
trying to find the gift for Molly...

207
00:12:53,789 --> 00:12:55,051
...and I can't do it.

208
00:12:55,224 --> 00:13:00,389
Well, in my village, we have an old proverb:
When in doubt, say it with cattle.

209
00:13:02,064 --> 00:13:04,862
I can't give her a cow.
She doesn't even want a bird.

210
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:09,129
I keep looking for something that says,
"You're the greatest thing."

211
00:13:09,305 --> 00:13:12,433
The closest thing I've found
is an embroidered sweatshirt that says:

212
00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:15,099
"You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me."

213
00:13:15,411 --> 00:13:19,279
I cannot believe the pressure you
Americans put on yourself at the holidays.

214
00:13:19,448 --> 00:13:20,472
And why?

215
00:13:20,649 --> 00:13:25,109
You live in nice homes, have a car to drive
and clearly enough food to eat.

216
00:13:29,191 --> 00:13:33,059
You know, I let the reindeer comment slide,
but now you're just poking the bear.

217
00:13:33,662 --> 00:13:37,189
What I am trying to say is that this is a time
to be with family...

218
00:13:37,366 --> 00:13:39,095
...and to share joy with one another.

219
00:13:39,268 --> 00:13:42,760
Not schlepping from store to store
trying to find some useless trinket...

220
00:13:42,938 --> 00:13:45,839
-...to express what is in your heart.
-"Schlepping"?

221
00:13:46,008 --> 00:13:49,136
It's Christmas Eve.
This place is like Jew central.

222
00:13:52,648 --> 00:13:57,381
My point is, there is nothing in the world
more precious than the love...

223
00:13:57,553 --> 00:14:00,113
...that one human being
gives to another.

224
00:14:00,289 --> 00:14:04,282
That is the one gift in life
you cannot put a price on.

225
00:14:04,460 --> 00:14:08,362
You're right. My problem
is I've been putting a price on this.

226
00:14:08,531 --> 00:14:10,692
Thank you, Samuel.
You're a very wise man.

227
00:14:10,866 --> 00:14:13,664
Ah, enough schmoozing already,
boychick.

228
00:14:13,836 --> 00:14:17,499
Get your tuchus out of here and go give
your bubeleh a nice Christmas smooch.

229
00:14:20,576 --> 00:14:22,100
All right, get ready to embark...

230
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,769
...on an exciting new dimension
in home entertainment.

231
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:28,280
-Oh, Vince, this is too much.
-Hey, it's Christmas.

232
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:33,149
Besides, I'm taking it out in trade.
I brought my mistletoe belt buckle.

233
00:14:35,558 --> 00:14:37,185
You are a devil.

234
00:14:37,359 --> 00:14:41,352
Wait till you see porn on this thing.
The clarity is unbelievable.

235
00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:45,159
Provides a whole 'nother level of filth.

236
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:49,499
[PORN GROOVE MUSlC PLAYlNG ON TV]

237
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:57,802
God bless the Japanese.

238
00:14:58,347 --> 00:15:01,316
All right, see you guys later.
Whoa, what the hell?

239
00:15:02,017 --> 00:15:03,416
Turn that off.

240
00:15:04,353 --> 00:15:05,377
Where you going, hon?

241
00:15:05,554 --> 00:15:07,988
Mike's mom's house.
We're exchanging gifts.

242
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,522
Aw, I hope he likes the jacket.

243
00:15:09,692 --> 00:15:11,717
MOLLY:
He already does.

244
00:15:13,262 --> 00:15:16,527
Hey, who wants a gingerbread man
fresh out of the oven?

245
00:15:16,699 --> 00:15:17,996
Ooh, yummy.

246
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:23,434
FYl, don't eat these if you're driving
or operating any heavy machinery.

247
00:15:25,708 --> 00:15:31,112
However, if you're hitchhiking
to a reggae concert, I recommend two.

248
00:15:42,458 --> 00:15:45,256
Come on, Jim, we don't have all night.

249
00:15:46,061 --> 00:15:47,551
Open Molly's gift.

250
00:15:49,231 --> 00:15:51,893
-Why don't I open it?
-He prefers to do it himself.

251
00:15:53,802 --> 00:15:57,169
Jim, quit lollygagging.
You're embarrassing me.

252
00:15:59,274 --> 00:16:01,868
Mom, why don't l
just get it started for him?

253
00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,539
Oh, look, Jim, a rubber bone.
Merry Christmas.

254
00:16:06,582 --> 00:16:07,776
[RUBBER BONE SQUEAKS]

255
00:16:07,950 --> 00:16:12,080
Oh, joy, and it squeaks too.
That ought to drive me up a wall.

256
00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:17,154
Well, I was gonna get him a sweater,
but I wasn't sure of his size.

257
00:16:17,326 --> 00:16:21,660
I'm glad you didn't. I think dressing dogs
up like people is weird, and vice versa.

258
00:16:21,830 --> 00:16:23,593
You gonna open your present, Mikey?

259
00:16:23,766 --> 00:16:25,927
-Okay.
-Heh. Ooh.

260
00:16:26,101 --> 00:16:27,227
Socks and underwear?

261
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,734
A Christmas tradition.

262
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:35,240
I figure your girlfriend can buy you
bow ties and top hats.

263
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,907
-Bow ties and top hats?
-Let it go.

264
00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:43,482
I got you the kind that are loose
in the crotch to prevent chafing.

265
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,348
When he was a boy,
I had to butter his thighs.

266
00:16:52,061 --> 00:16:54,325
Merry Christmas, Mom. It's a FryDaddy.

267
00:16:54,496 --> 00:16:56,657
Mike, don't spoil the surprise.

268
00:16:56,832 --> 00:16:59,699
That's all right, I hate surprises.
Yours is mittens.

269
00:17:02,705 --> 00:17:05,003
If you don't like them,
the receipt's in the box.

270
00:17:05,174 --> 00:17:06,573
I'm sure I'll love them.

271
00:17:06,742 --> 00:17:08,471
-I wonder what color they are.
-Red.

272
00:17:12,047 --> 00:17:17,212
Hold on. I believe I have a little something
in my secret pocket.

273
00:17:17,386 --> 00:17:18,683
Here, open mine.

274
00:17:18,854 --> 00:17:19,878
[CHUCKLES]

275
00:17:20,055 --> 00:17:21,613
Okay. Heh.

276
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:23,883
Did you get me a pen and pencil set?

277
00:17:24,059 --> 00:17:25,151
[CHUCKLES]

278
00:17:25,327 --> 00:17:27,989
Holy crap.

279
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:29,957
Are these real diamonds?

280
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:34,228
Yep, and delicately clustered
in a beautiful setting of white gold.

281
00:17:34,737 --> 00:17:37,399
-Oh, my God, you can't afford this.
-Not a problem.

282
00:17:37,573 --> 00:17:41,202
I put it on a credit card
and I can pay it off in 1 10 easy payments.

283
00:17:42,044 --> 00:17:44,171
That's like nine years.

284
00:17:44,346 --> 00:17:48,715
Really? Sales guy
really didn't spell it out in years.

285
00:17:49,918 --> 00:17:51,818
-Mike, I can't accept this.
-Why not?

286
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:54,387
I wanted to get you something special.

287
00:17:54,556 --> 00:17:58,424
-Absolutely not. This is way too expensive.
-I don't care. I want you to have it.

288
00:17:58,594 --> 00:17:59,856
-I don't want it.
-You do.

289
00:18:00,028 --> 00:18:02,997
-No, I don't.
-I love you. You can't put a price on love.

290
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,229
Hold on a second.

291
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:09,561
You love me?

292
00:18:11,106 --> 00:18:14,234
Yeah. Is that okay?

293
00:18:16,078 --> 00:18:18,478
-I love you too.
-Really?

294
00:18:18,647 --> 00:18:22,048
More than anything. You're still not
giving me a diamond bracelet.

295
00:18:22,217 --> 00:18:25,277
-Why not?
-Because I don't wanna spend our lives...

296
00:18:25,454 --> 00:18:27,547
...paying off my first Christmas present.

297
00:18:30,392 --> 00:18:33,725
If you're really uncomfortable,
I'll trade you for the FryDaddy.

298
00:18:36,165 --> 00:18:37,928
Hang on, Ma.

299
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:41,729
So you think we're gonna be together
for the rest of our lives?

300
00:18:42,171 --> 00:18:45,800
-Just a figure of speech.
-No, it's not. I heard you say it.

301
00:18:46,675 --> 00:18:49,576
This was really sweet of you, but...

302
00:18:50,312 --> 00:18:54,408
...you saying "l love you" was the only
Christmas present I really want.

303
00:18:54,583 --> 00:18:56,949
-Really?
-[WHlSPERS] Really.

304
00:18:59,087 --> 00:19:02,420
Well, isn't this a magical Christmas?

305
00:19:03,759 --> 00:19:08,355
You get an expensive piece of jewelry
and I get a deep-fat fryer.

306
00:19:08,797 --> 00:19:10,992
God bless us, everyone.

307
00:19:17,673 --> 00:19:20,574
[GUNFlRE ON TV]

308
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:22,573
[MOLLY CHUCKLES]

309
00:19:23,545 --> 00:19:26,514
Sayonara, Tojo.

310
00:19:26,982 --> 00:19:28,574
I'm so glad you like your Xbox.

311
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:32,117
Oh, it's the best gift ever. You sure
you don't wanna rethink the bracelet?

312
00:19:32,287 --> 00:19:34,721
No. The day after Christmas,
we're taking it back.

313
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:37,950
But until then, I'm not taking it off.

314
00:19:38,527 --> 00:19:39,994
It's probably for the best.

315
00:19:40,162 --> 00:19:41,561
At least I'll make rent this month.

316
00:19:41,730 --> 00:19:43,163
[MOLLY CHUCKLES]

317
00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:47,466
Hey, who scarfed down
all my gingerbread men?

318
00:19:47,803 --> 00:19:48,861
Not me.

319
00:19:49,037 --> 00:19:50,436
[THUD]

320
00:19:55,244 --> 00:19:57,769
Sweet dreams, Maverick.

321
00:20:26,441 --> 00:20:28,432
[English - US - SDH]