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>>> the following is an address

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From the president of the united

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States.

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>> good evening.

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In the next few days, the u.S.

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House of representatives and the

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Senate will be voting on a vital

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Piece of legislation.

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It is a tax package worked out

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By this white house and

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Republican congressional

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Leaders.

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And it is absolutely essential

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That it pass.

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Both to extend unemployment

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Benefits to those out of work

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And to prevent a massive tax

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Increase on the american middle

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Class.

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At a time when the economy can

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Least afford it.

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Now, I know that many of you are

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Unhappy with parts of this

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Proposal.

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Especially that includes tax

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Cuts for those making over

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$250,000 a year.

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But the simple fact is, this

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White house had no choice.

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Republican leaders insisted on

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Tax cuts for the wealthy, and as

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As I said in my press conference

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Monday, they had decided to hold

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Us hostage.

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Literally.

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They held us hostage in all for

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About three days.

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Bound, bagged, blindfolded in a

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Dark room somewhere outside

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Washington.

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It was a terrifying experience.

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Hard to put into words.

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I don't think I'll ever get over

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It, really.

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And here's something else.

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The stockholm syndrome where

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Hostages come to identify and

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Agree with their captors, that's

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A real phenomenon.

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It really is.

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I learned that for myself when

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On the fourth day I suddenly

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Decided that I kind of agreed

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With the republican philosophy

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Of trickle-down economics.

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That's why, to me, the tax cuts

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For the wealthy aren't a big

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Problem.

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They're the best part of the

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Bill.

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You watch.

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I predict the rich will use that

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Extra money to go out and create

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Jobs.

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Millions and millions of jobs.

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It's like rush said on his show

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The other day.

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I never got hired by a poor

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Person.

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So if house speaker nancy pelosi

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Or as I now like to call her,

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San francisco nancy, would just

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Stop her obstructionist tactics

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And let this bill come to a

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Vote, we can get our economy

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Moving again.

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Now, san francisco nancy and her

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Democrat pals need to understand

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That six weeks ago the american

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People went to the polls and

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Overwhelmingly rejected their

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San francisco values and their

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Class warfare politics.

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One more thing.

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I would be remiss were I to

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Appear before you tonight and

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Not express my extreme

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Disappointment, perhaps outrage

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Is a better word, at the unjust

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Treatment accorded bristol palin

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Recently on "dancing with the

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Stars."

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The judges' decision was a

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Travesty.

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And I join the first lady as

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Well as her fellow mama

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Grizzlies in condemning it.

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Well, that's all for tonight.

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I will see you next week in

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Tampa, florida, when I join

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Glenn beck and bill o'reilly as

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Part of our bold fresh tour.

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Now, in closing, let me reassure

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You that however long it takes,

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This nation's current troubles

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Will pass.

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Because you americans never have

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And never will give up.

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I say you americans because even

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Though I always thought I was

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Born here -- uh, lately I've

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Begun to have my doubts.

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Thank you and live from new

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York, it's Saturday night!

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>> announcer: It's "Saturday

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Night live"!

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With --

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Fred armisen

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Abby elliott

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Bill hader

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Seth meyers

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Bobby moynihan

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Andy samberg

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Jason sudeikis

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Kenan thompson

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Kr

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Kristen wiig

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Featuring vanessa bayer

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Paul brittain

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Taran killam

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Nasim pedrad

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Jay pharoah

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Musical guest paul mccartney.

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And your host, paul rudd!

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Ladies and gentlemen, paul rudd!

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Captions paid for by
nbc-universal television

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-- <font color="#ffff00">Captions by vitac</font> --
<font color="#00ffff">www.Vitac.Com</font>

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>>> thank you!

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Thank you!

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Thank you!

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Thank you!

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Thank you so much.

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It is so great to be hosting

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"Saturday night live" for the

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Second time.

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The first time I was nervous.

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But I must have done something

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Right, because this time when I

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Walked into the studio, there

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Were all these people lined up

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Freezing cold chanting

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"paul!

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Paul!

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Paul!"

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[ laughter ]

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All for me!

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Paul rudd!

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And those fans, they're intense.

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One lady was out there, she was

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Crying just because she was like

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In my presence.

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[ laughter ]

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Can you imagine?

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Then someone yelled out,

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"yesterday."

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Which, I guess, is a reference

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To the npr interview I gave

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Yesterday.

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[ laughter ]

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I didn't think anybody was

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Listening to that.

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To be honest, some of those

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Fans know a little too much

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About me.

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Like one guy screamed "her

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Majesty," which is my nickname

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On movie sets among the crew.

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[ laughter ]

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I don't know how they found that

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Out.

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Internet, I guess.

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Most of all, they were just

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Screaming my name, "paul, paul,

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Paul!"

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It was incredible.

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[ cheers and applause ]

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How are you?

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>> thank you.

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>> really, I mean, to be here

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With you -- oh.

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Oh.

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They were cheering -- yeah, they

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Were cheering for you.

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>> well, I was cheering for you.

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I loved "role models."

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>> oh, that's so nice.

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Wow.

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Thank you so much.

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No disrespect.

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I'm just glad we cleared up this

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Whole paul bit.

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>> yo, yo, yo, feature player

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Paul brittain is in the mother

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Freaking house!

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[ cheers and applause ]

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Yeah.

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>> oh.

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Sorry.

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>> he seemed nice.

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>> he's new.

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Anyway, we've got a great show.

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>> all sorts of pauls are here.

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>> stick around, we'll be right

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Back!

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>>> even your cat.

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That's why we at pet chalet

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Asked a panel of premier

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European chefs to create the

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Ultimate menu.

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Introducing feline culinary

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Creations.

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Handcrafted gourmet meals you

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Can proudly bring to your cat's

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Table.

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Recipes like filet with shiitake

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Demi glace.

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Salmon carpaccio with lobster

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Medallions.

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A trio of braised lamb, venison

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Ravioli and broccoli rabe.

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Sweet and sour crab with minor

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Lemon.

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So show your cat what fine

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Dining is all about.

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Feline culinary creations.

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For the love of your cat.

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[ applause ]

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>>> I'm kind of nervous to meet

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The whole family.

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>> don't worry.

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Holidays with my family are

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Great.

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>> who is that out there?

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>> just a couple of christmas

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Elves.

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>> oh, austin.

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Oh, you're here.

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I can't believe it.

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Look at my man.

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He's all grown up.

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>> I don't have my glasses on.

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Is that george clooney?

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>> dad.

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>> what a great guy.

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I'm so proud of you.

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>> mom, I'd like you to meet my

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Girlfriend, amanda.

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>> amanda, we're so glad you

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Could spend the holidays with

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Us.

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>> welcome.

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I remember when I first brought

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My first girlfriend home for

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Christmas.

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She was mighty nervous.

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>> how did it go?

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>> I married her.

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>> oh, that's me.

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>> numb nuts roasting on an open

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Fire.

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>> hey, duane.

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This is amanda.

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>> you're a step up.

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His last steady girl was a

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Blow-up doll.

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>> easy, bro.

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>> just kidding.

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Feliz navidad.

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Mmm.

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[ laughter ]

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>> wow.

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>> a very pricey wreath there,

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Duane.

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>> I earned some extra dough

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Breaking down boxes.

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>> a hard worker.

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00:10:41,477 --> 00:10:44,646
>> I learned from you.

293
00:10:44,714 --> 00:10:48,049
[ laughter ]

294
00:10:48,117 --> 00:10:48,750
>> hey, mom, do you have any

295
00:10:48,818 --> 00:10:49,751
More gum?

296
00:10:49,819 --> 00:10:50,485
>> oh, no, but here, honey, take

297
00:10:50,553 --> 00:10:51,753
My piece.

298
00:10:51,821 --> 00:10:53,755
[ laughter ]

299
00:10:53,823 --> 00:10:56,858
[ audience ohs ]

300
00:10:56,926 --> 00:11:03,999
[ laughter ]

301
00:11:04,066 --> 00:11:04,399
>> thanks.

302
00:11:04,467 --> 00:11:05,033
Babe, you want some gum?

303
00:11:05,101 --> 00:11:08,637
>> I don't like gum.

304
00:11:08,704 --> 00:11:09,638
>> hey, everybody.

305
00:11:09,705 --> 00:11:13,341
>> who's that?

306
00:11:13,409 --> 00:11:14,676
>> not a family christmas

307
00:11:14,744 --> 00:11:15,343
Without our relatives from

308
00:11:15,411 --> 00:11:25,020
Romania.

309
00:11:25,087 --> 00:11:26,454
>> uncle, get over here.

310
00:11:26,522 --> 00:11:27,789
How you doing?

311
00:11:27,857 --> 00:11:31,293
[ kissing noises ]

312
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:35,030
>> and now we kiss like romanian

313
00:11:35,097 --> 00:11:38,099
Vogelcheck.

314
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:42,837
>> come here, I missed you.

315
00:11:42,905 --> 00:11:45,106
>> uncle vlad and my aunt

316
00:11:45,174 --> 00:11:47,642
Traveled all the way from a tiny

317
00:11:47,710 --> 00:11:48,410
Village thousands of miles just

318
00:11:48,477 --> 00:11:52,380
To be with us.

319
00:11:52,448 --> 00:11:53,248
>> oh, my gosh.

320
00:11:53,316 --> 00:11:54,883
[ doorbell rings ]

321
00:11:54,951 --> 00:11:55,517
>> I'll get it.

322
00:11:55,585 --> 00:11:56,084
>> welcome, stranger.

323
00:11:56,152 --> 00:11:56,952
>> hello.

324
00:11:57,019 --> 00:11:59,487
I'm sorry to bother you, but my

325
00:11:59,555 --> 00:12:00,188
Sleigh -- my car broke down.

326
00:12:00,256 --> 00:12:01,790
May I use your telephone?

327
00:12:01,857 --> 00:12:02,324
>> of course.

328
00:12:02,391 --> 00:12:03,224
During the holidays, our home is

329
00:12:03,292 --> 00:12:04,626
Open to all.

330
00:12:04,694 --> 00:12:12,033
>> thank you.

331
00:12:12,101 --> 00:12:12,601
>> I know what!

332
00:12:12,668 --> 00:12:14,302
Let's do the traditional

333
00:12:14,370 --> 00:12:16,871
Vogelcheck christmas dance!

334
00:12:16,939 --> 00:12:17,439
>> yeah!

335
00:12:17,506 --> 00:12:18,006
>> what's the dance?

336
00:12:18,074 --> 00:12:18,773
>> oh, you'll be able to follow

337
00:12:18,841 --> 00:12:20,842
Along.

338
00:12:20,910 --> 00:12:23,411
♪

339
00:12:23,479 --> 00:12:32,487
♪ a one and a two ♪

340
00:12:32,555 --> 00:12:33,321
[ kissing sounds ]

341
00:12:33,389 --> 00:12:33,888
♪

342
00:12:33,956 --> 00:12:34,489
>> okay.

343
00:12:34,557 --> 00:12:35,056
Okay.

344
00:12:35,124 --> 00:12:35,724
Um, you know what, austin?

345
00:12:35,791 --> 00:12:36,391
I think my family might be

346
00:12:36,459 --> 00:12:36,791
Missing me.

347
00:12:36,859 --> 00:12:38,193
Maybe I should go.

348
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:38,893
>> but, babe, duane's friends

349
00:12:38,961 --> 00:12:40,195
Are coming over.

350
00:12:40,262 --> 00:12:40,795
>> oh, hold on, hold on.

351
00:12:40,863 --> 00:12:41,296
Stop right there.

352
00:12:41,364 --> 00:12:43,598
I know what's going on.

353
00:12:43,666 --> 00:12:44,332
You saw all this kissing, and

354
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,335
You got uncomfortable.

355
00:12:47,403 --> 00:12:48,436
I'll tell you a little story.

356
00:12:48,504 --> 00:12:49,137
Vlad and elena here have been

357
00:12:49,205 --> 00:12:51,006
Married for 60 years.

358
00:12:51,073 --> 00:12:53,575
They have survived communism, a

359
00:12:53,643 --> 00:12:54,409
World war and the justified

360
00:12:54,477 --> 00:12:56,111
Stoning of their daughter,

361
00:12:56,178 --> 00:12:56,678
Lishka.

362
00:12:56,746 --> 00:12:57,846
[ light laughter ]

363
00:12:57,913 --> 00:12:58,680
But every day before vlad goes

364
00:12:58,748 --> 00:12:59,447
Out into the field, he and elena

365
00:12:59,515 --> 00:13:02,584
Hug and kiss.

366
00:13:02,652 --> 00:13:10,892
It means I love you.

367
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:11,559
And we do.

368
00:13:11,627 --> 00:13:14,062
We're vogelchecks.

369
00:13:14,130 --> 00:13:15,397
>> and I think I'm going to

370
00:13:15,464 --> 00:13:16,431
Spend the holidays right here

371
00:13:16,499 --> 00:13:21,002
With the vogelczehecks.

372
00:13:21,070 --> 00:13:22,370
>> everyone's welcome.

373
00:13:22,438 --> 00:13:27,008
Even that guy using the phone.

374
00:13:27,076 --> 00:13:27,575
Where is he?

375
00:13:27,643 --> 00:13:28,143
>> he's gone!

376
00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:28,810
Look, there's more presents

377
00:13:28,878 --> 00:13:29,310
Under the tree.

378
00:13:29,378 --> 00:13:32,047
>> ho, ho, ho, merry christmas!

379
00:13:32,114 --> 00:13:33,415
>> you mean that was --

380
00:13:33,482 --> 00:13:37,118
Santa!

381
00:13:37,186 --> 00:13:37,986
[ laughter ]

382
00:13:38,054 --> 00:13:38,820
[ audience ohs ]

383
00:13:38,888 --> 00:13:41,089
>> merry christmas to all.

384
00:13:41,157 --> 00:13:42,257
♪

385
00:13:42,324 --> 00:13:46,795
[ applause ]

386
00:13:46,862 --> 00:13:47,929
>> ho, ho, ho, happy holidays

387
00:13:47,997 --> 00:13:49,064
From the vogelchecks!

388
00:14:12,234 --> 00:14:13,568
>>> and now it's time to play --

389
00:14:13,636 --> 00:14:14,435
>> all: What's that name?

390
00:14:14,503 --> 00:14:18,706
>> and here's your host,

391
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:19,274
Vince white!

392
00:14:19,341 --> 00:14:19,841
[ applause ]

393
00:14:19,909 --> 00:14:20,408
>> hello.

394
00:14:20,476 --> 00:14:20,975
Hello, hello, hello.

395
00:14:21,043 --> 00:14:21,676
And welcome to "what's that

396
00:14:21,744 --> 00:14:22,710
Name?"

397
00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:24,379
The rules are simple.

398
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:25,813
We show you a person, you tell

399
00:14:25,881 --> 00:14:27,215
Us their name.

400
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:30,585
Our contestants today are jake

401
00:14:30,653 --> 00:14:33,054
A cfo at smith and price.

402
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:34,656
And carolyn, a senior partner at

403
00:14:34,723 --> 00:14:35,690
Chapman real estate.

404
00:14:35,758 --> 00:14:36,824
The first question goes to jake.

405
00:14:36,892 --> 00:14:37,458
He's subway's number one

406
00:14:37,526 --> 00:14:38,526
Spokesman.

407
00:14:38,594 --> 00:14:40,528
What's that name?

408
00:14:40,596 --> 00:14:41,362
>> jared fogle.

409
00:14:41,430 --> 00:14:44,065
[ ding ]

410
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,800
>> 20 bucks for you.

411
00:14:45,868 --> 00:14:46,367
[ light laughter ]

412
00:14:46,435 --> 00:14:47,235
Carolyn, you're up.

413
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:48,069
He's the second lead in the film

414
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,504
"saving silverman."

415
00:14:49,571 --> 00:14:51,773
What's that name?

416
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,174
>> oh, I know this.

417
00:14:53,242 --> 00:14:53,574
Steve zahn.

418
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:54,609
[ ding ]

419
00:14:54,677 --> 00:14:56,878
>> $20 for you.

420
00:14:56,946 --> 00:14:58,880
Now it's time to up the ante.

421
00:14:58,948 --> 00:14:59,714
Jake, this next one is for

422
00:14:59,782 --> 00:15:01,149
$10,000.

423
00:15:01,216 --> 00:15:03,718
[ laughter ]

424
00:15:03,786 --> 00:15:04,552
And here to read the clue is the

425
00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:05,720
Man himself.

426
00:15:05,788 --> 00:15:09,390
♪

427
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:10,091
>> I've been your doorman for

428
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,392
Four years.

429
00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:13,428
[ laughter ]

430
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:14,162
I open the door for you every

431
00:15:14,229 --> 00:15:17,098
Day.

432
00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:18,232
I've always got a joke and a

433
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:19,667
Smile.

434
00:15:19,735 --> 00:15:23,071
What's my name?

435
00:15:23,138 --> 00:15:24,205
>> hey, man.

436
00:15:24,273 --> 00:15:25,606
[ laughter ]

437
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,342
How's it hanging?

438
00:15:27,409 --> 00:15:29,043
>> low and lazy.

439
00:15:29,111 --> 00:15:31,012
What's my name?

440
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:35,984
I know your whole family.

441
00:15:36,051 --> 00:15:37,285
Your son ozzie loves outer

442
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:37,852
Space.

443
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:38,753
What's my name?

444
00:15:38,821 --> 00:15:39,287
[ laughter ]

445
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:39,854
>> carl?

446
00:15:39,922 --> 00:15:40,455
[ buzzer ]

447
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:42,156
>> audience, what's that name?

448
00:15:42,224 --> 00:15:44,425
>> all: Norman!

449
00:15:44,493 --> 00:15:46,427
>> norman the doorman.

450
00:15:46,495 --> 00:15:50,064
>> oh, I'm so sorry.

451
00:15:50,132 --> 00:15:51,499
Say hi to the wife for me.

452
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:53,034
>> I'm sorry, what's that?

453
00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:55,169
Say hi to my wife?

454
00:15:55,237 --> 00:15:56,037
>> yeah, okay, I'll take the bus

455
00:15:56,105 --> 00:15:59,907
Out to forest hills cemetery and

456
00:15:59,975 --> 00:16:01,309
Tell her that you say hello.

457
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:02,176
♪

458
00:16:02,244 --> 00:16:02,910
>> my god, what the hell kind of

459
00:16:02,978 --> 00:16:06,147
Show is this?

460
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:07,015
>> it's "what's that name?"

461
00:16:07,082 --> 00:16:08,449
[ laughter ]

462
00:16:08,517 --> 00:16:10,418
Carolyn, you're up.

463
00:16:10,486 --> 00:16:11,152
And we've got another walk-on

464
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:11,853
Clue.

465
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:19,527
♪

466
00:16:19,595 --> 00:16:20,361
>> for ten years I clean your

467
00:16:20,429 --> 00:16:22,930
Office every day.

468
00:16:22,998 --> 00:16:26,367
What's my name?

469
00:16:26,435 --> 00:16:28,636
>> oh, it's you.

470
00:16:28,704 --> 00:16:29,771
Do you have any fun plans for

471
00:16:29,838 --> 00:16:33,608
The holidays?

472
00:16:33,675 --> 00:16:34,976
>> yes.

473
00:16:35,044 --> 00:16:36,177
Cleaning your office!

474
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:36,778
What's my name?

475
00:16:36,845 --> 00:16:37,345
[ laughter ]

476
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:38,079
>> you don't seem to know her

477
00:16:38,147 --> 00:16:38,379
Name.

478
00:16:38,447 --> 00:16:39,914
>> I think it's something like

479
00:16:39,982 --> 00:16:43,284
Eeyore?

480
00:16:43,352 --> 00:16:46,421
>> that is cartoon donkey.

481
00:16:46,488 --> 00:16:47,288
[ laughter ]

482
00:16:47,356 --> 00:16:47,822
>> eedore.

483
00:16:47,890 --> 00:16:48,423
[ buzzer ]

484
00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:50,391
>> what's that name?

485
00:16:50,459 --> 00:16:51,559
>> all: Mary!

486
00:16:51,627 --> 00:16:55,530
[ laughter ]

487
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:57,231
>> but steve zahn you know.

488
00:16:57,299 --> 00:16:59,500
♪

489
00:16:59,568 --> 00:17:00,234
>> I just wish those people wore

490
00:17:00,302 --> 00:17:03,204
Name tags.

491
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:06,908
>> "those people"?

492
00:17:06,975 --> 00:17:08,342
>> I just want to say, I think

493
00:17:08,410 --> 00:17:09,110
What you're doing here is pretty

494
00:17:09,178 --> 00:17:09,477
Lousy.

495
00:17:09,545 --> 00:17:10,311
>> well, I think you're lousy.

496
00:17:10,379 --> 00:17:12,313
[ laughter ]

497
00:17:12,381 --> 00:17:13,748
>> do you know your cameraman's

498
00:17:13,816 --> 00:17:14,582
Name?

499
00:17:14,650 --> 00:17:15,216
>> middle one's charlie.

500
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:16,284
>> what about the other two?

501
00:17:16,351 --> 00:17:17,418
>> I'm not a contestant.

502
00:17:17,486 --> 00:17:19,153
[ laughter ]

503
00:17:19,221 --> 00:17:22,223
>> what are their names?

504
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:25,159
>> if I told you, if I were a

505
00:17:25,227 --> 00:17:25,793
Contestant, but I'm not.

506
00:17:25,861 --> 00:17:26,127
You are.

507
00:17:26,195 --> 00:17:27,995
And here's your next clue.

508
00:17:28,063 --> 00:17:28,563
♪

509
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:29,697
>> who the hell are they?

510
00:17:29,765 --> 00:17:32,266
>> eight of your summer interns.

511
00:17:32,334 --> 00:17:33,000
They worked for you for free for

512
00:17:33,068 --> 00:17:36,237
Four months.

513
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,941
If you can tell me any of their

514
00:17:40,008 --> 00:17:40,808
Names, I'll give you $1 million.

515
00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:47,348
[ laughter ]

516
00:17:47,416 --> 00:17:49,917
>> I, uh -- oh, geez.

517
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,052
I don't --

518
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:51,486
I don't know.

519
00:17:51,553 --> 00:17:52,186
I'm just going to say a name.

520
00:17:52,254 --> 00:17:52,487
Josh.

521
00:17:52,554 --> 00:17:52,854
[ ding ]

522
00:17:52,921 --> 00:17:53,621
>> there are three joshes.

523
00:17:53,689 --> 00:17:54,188
[ laughter ]

524
00:17:54,256 --> 00:17:57,091
That means you win $3 million.

525
00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,192
>> oh, wow!

526
00:17:58,260 --> 00:17:58,793
>> plus you've got the

527
00:17:58,861 --> 00:17:59,494
Opportunity to go double or

528
00:17:59,561 --> 00:18:00,194
Nothing in our bonus round.

529
00:18:00,262 --> 00:18:01,329
What do you say?

530
00:18:01,396 --> 00:18:02,063
>> well, I guess I'm on a hot

531
00:18:02,131 --> 00:18:03,464
Streak.

532
00:18:03,532 --> 00:18:04,332
Let's go

533
00:18:04,399 --> 00:18:04,899
Double or nothing.

534
00:18:04,967 --> 00:18:05,466
>> fantastic.

535
00:18:05,534 --> 00:18:06,200
Here to read the bonus clue is

536
00:18:06,268 --> 00:18:08,870
The man himself.

537
00:18:08,937 --> 00:18:09,437
[ laughter ]

538
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:15,276
>> what's my name?

539
00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:16,377
>> oh, god, no.

540
00:18:16,445 --> 00:18:17,011
I wasn't paying attention

541
00:18:17,079 --> 00:18:17,578
Before.

542
00:18:17,646 --> 00:18:19,180
[ laughter ]

543
00:18:19,248 --> 00:18:23,684
Josh?

544
00:18:23,752 --> 00:18:24,252
[ buzzer ]

545
00:18:24,319 --> 00:18:24,819
>> what's that name?

546
00:18:24,887 --> 00:18:25,419
>> all: Norman!

547
00:18:25,487 --> 00:18:26,554
>> norman the doorman.

548
00:18:26,622 --> 00:18:28,523
Rhymes, even.

549
00:18:28,590 --> 00:18:28,856
>> yeah.

550
00:18:28,924 --> 00:18:30,024
Right.

551
00:18:30,092 --> 00:18:31,425
So easy.

552
00:18:31,493 --> 00:18:32,126
>> well, jake, that puts you

553
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:32,560
Back to zero.

554
00:18:32,628 --> 00:18:33,027
That's our show.

555
00:18:33,095 --> 00:18:33,728
But stay tuned for a new game

556
00:18:33,795 --> 00:18:34,495
Show called "what's in your

557
00:18:34,563 --> 00:18:35,029
Internet history?"

558
00:18:35,097 --> 00:18:35,963
Yikes!

559
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:36,531
[ laughter ]

560
00:18:36,598 --> 00:18:38,533
[ cheers and applause ]

561
00:18:48,744 --> 00:18:53,614
♪

562
00:18:53,682 --> 00:18:55,016
♪ stumble out of bed

563
00:18:55,083 --> 00:18:56,450
And I stumbled in the kitchen

564
00:18:56,518 --> 00:18:57,585
Stumbled in the bathroom

565
00:18:57,653 --> 00:18:59,020
Stumbled in the living room ♪

566
00:18:59,087 --> 00:19:00,421
♪ stumbled out the door

567
00:19:00,489 --> 00:19:02,423
And past my car ♪

568
00:19:02,491 --> 00:19:03,558
♪ stumbling ♪

569
00:19:03,625 --> 00:19:04,158
♪ stumbled into work

570
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:04,725
And I stumbled through

571
00:19:04,793 --> 00:19:05,526
The office ♪

572
00:19:05,594 --> 00:19:06,127
♪ stumbled in the gym

573
00:19:06,195 --> 00:19:07,328
And I stumbled

574
00:19:07,329 --> 00:19:08,396
Through my workout ♪

575
00:19:08,463 --> 00:19:10,097
♪ stumbled down the street

576
00:19:10,165 --> 00:19:11,499
And to a bar

577
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,201
Stumbling ♪

578
00:19:13,268 --> 00:19:16,070
♪ stumble through the bar

579
00:19:16,138 --> 00:19:18,639
Past mario batali

580
00:19:18,707 --> 00:19:19,774
Stumble through a swirl

581
00:19:19,841 --> 00:19:22,877
Record sing song ♪

582
00:19:22,945 --> 00:19:25,446
♪ stumbled right in step

583
00:19:25,514 --> 00:19:27,448
With my good old friends

584
00:19:27,516 --> 00:19:30,284
It seems this stumble's

585
00:19:30,352 --> 00:19:31,986
Never gonna end ♪

586
00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:33,421
♪ stumble past a guy

587
00:19:33,488 --> 00:19:34,855
Putting on his first lipstick

588
00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:36,290
Stumble past a girl with a

589
00:19:36,358 --> 00:19:37,992
Fist full of bisquick ♪

590
00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:41,662
♪ stumble past three gents

591
00:19:41,730 --> 00:19:42,230
[ laughter ]

592
00:19:42,297 --> 00:19:42,863
Stumble past the elevator

593
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:44,232
Stumble past the elevator ♪

594
00:19:44,299 --> 00:19:45,366
♪ stumble past the elevator

595
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:47,068
Stumble past the elevator

596
00:19:47,135 --> 00:19:48,769
Stumble down a nasty

597
00:19:48,837 --> 00:19:53,307
Flight of stairs ♪

598
00:19:53,375 --> 00:19:55,876
♪ walking in slow motion

599
00:19:55,944 --> 00:20:03,851
Walking in slow motion

600
00:20:03,919 --> 00:20:06,687
Walking in slow motion

601
00:20:06,755 --> 00:20:12,693
Walking in slow motion ♪

602
00:20:12,761 --> 00:20:16,097
>> tiny harmonica solo.

603
00:20:17,866 --> 00:20:28,309
♪

604
00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:30,011
♪ stumble

605
00:20:30,078 --> 00:20:32,013
Through a  --

606
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,282
With a hobo acting regal ♪

607
00:20:34,349 --> 00:20:35,983
♪ past a bunch of mimes

608
00:20:36,051 --> 00:20:38,552
And a painter with an easel

609
00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:39,987
And a one man band ♪

610
00:20:40,055 --> 00:20:41,122
♪ playing checkers

611
00:20:41,189 --> 00:20:43,958
With a teacher

612
00:20:44,026 --> 00:20:47,662
That concludes our

613
00:20:47,729 --> 00:20:49,930
Stumbling adventure here ♪

614
00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:50,798
♪ stumbling ♪

615
00:20:50,866 --> 00:20:52,500
[ cheers and applause ]

616
00:20:58,940 --> 00:21:01,475
>>> hello, I'm diane foster,

617
00:21:01,543 --> 00:21:02,143
Vice president of customer

618
00:21:02,210 --> 00:21:03,978
Relations at mastercard.

619
00:21:04,046 --> 00:21:06,414
This week, supporters of the

620
00:21:06,481 --> 00:21:07,748
Wikileaks organization attacked

621
00:21:07,816 --> 00:21:08,516
Our website.

622
00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,518
Assure our customers

623
00:21:10,585 --> 00:21:17,325
That we are doing --

624
00:21:17,392 --> 00:21:18,259
>> hello again.

625
00:21:18,327 --> 00:21:19,860
It's me, julian assange.

626
00:21:19,928 --> 00:21:21,228
I've taken over your airwaves

627
00:21:21,296 --> 00:21:22,363
From inside a british prison.

628
00:21:22,431 --> 00:21:24,532
How did I get a camera into a

629
00:21:24,599 --> 00:21:25,299
British prison?

630
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,801
Maybe you weren't listening.

631
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:27,702
I'm julian assange.

632
00:21:27,769 --> 00:21:29,470
This Monday I was arrested,

633
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,039
Proving that for those who

634
00:21:32,107 --> 00:21:32,840
Terrorize the United States,

635
00:21:32,908 --> 00:21:33,974
There is nowhere to hide.

636
00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:35,109
America will find you and they

637
00:21:35,177 --> 00:21:36,377
Will punish you.

638
00:21:36,445 --> 00:21:37,111
Unless, of course, your name is

639
00:21:37,179 --> 00:21:47,455
Osama bin laden.

640
00:21:47,522 --> 00:21:48,823
I was not arrested for terrorism

641
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:49,824
But rather to be questioned on

642
00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:51,792
Two rape charges.

643
00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:53,828
It's long been interpol's job to

644
00:21:53,895 --> 00:21:56,263
Hunt down those accused of

645
00:21:56,331 --> 00:21:58,132
Sexual misdeeds.

646
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,034
Who can forget ben

647
00:22:00,102 --> 00:22:00,768
Roethlisberger, double standard,

648
00:22:00,836 --> 00:22:01,102
Anyone?

649
00:22:01,169 --> 00:22:08,609
Yeah.

650
00:22:08,677 --> 00:22:10,411
Now on to business.

651
00:22:10,479 --> 00:22:13,047
If I'm not released immediately,

652
00:22:13,115 --> 00:22:15,716
Supporters of the wikileaks are

653
00:22:15,784 --> 00:22:17,218
Prepared to attack the following

654
00:22:17,285 --> 00:22:17,785
Websites.

655
00:22:17,853 --> 00:22:18,285
Amazon.

656
00:22:18,353 --> 00:22:20,488
If I am falsely imprisoned one

657
00:22:20,555 --> 00:22:24,992
More day, anyone purchasing mark

658
00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:27,294
Twa

659
00:22:27,362 --> 00:22:28,329
Twain's new autobiography, must

660
00:22:28,397 --> 00:22:30,865
Instead send the book "everyone

661
00:22:30,932 --> 00:22:31,699
Poops."

662
00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:32,800
Awkward.

663
00:22:32,868 --> 00:22:33,134
Orbitz.

664
00:22:33,201 --> 00:22:35,536
Two more days, any holiday

665
00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:38,205
Flight will have a connection at

666
00:22:38,273 --> 00:22:39,707
The cleveland international

667
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:41,108
Airport.

668
00:22:41,176 --> 00:22:42,109
Also, all special requests will

669
00:22:42,177 --> 00:22:44,044
Be locked at middle seat kosher

670
00:22:44,112 --> 00:22:46,614
Meal.

671
00:22:46,681 --> 00:22:49,583
[ laughter ]

672
00:22:49,651 --> 00:22:50,384
Day three.

673
00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:52,286
Facebook.

674
00:22:52,354 --> 00:22:53,521
You know that one profile

675
00:22:53,588 --> 00:22:54,522
Picture that makes you look

676
00:22:54,589 --> 00:22:54,822
Thin?

677
00:22:54,890 --> 00:22:58,159
It's gone.

678
00:22:58,226 --> 00:22:59,627
On the fourth day, we will move

679
00:22:59,694 --> 00:23:03,464
On to the facebook game

680
00:23:03,532 --> 00:23:04,799
Farmville and leave it alone.

681
00:23:04,866 --> 00:23:06,167
The people you barely remember

682
00:23:06,234 --> 00:23:06,934
From high school will continue

683
00:23:07,002 --> 00:23:09,670
To bother you with requests to

684
00:23:09,738 --> 00:23:11,739
Water their stupid crops.

685
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:12,072
Hooray.

686
00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:12,973
Day five.

687
00:23:13,041 --> 00:23:13,941
Netflix.

688
00:23:14,009 --> 00:23:15,276
Have you seen the fourth season

689
00:23:15,343 --> 00:23:16,343
Of "hanging with mr. Cooper"?

690
00:23:16,411 --> 00:23:17,978
You're about to.

691
00:23:18,046 --> 00:23:19,914
[ laughter ]

692
00:23:19,981 --> 00:23:23,451
First on your queue.

693
00:23:23,518 --> 00:23:25,052
Angry birds.

694
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,188
If I'm held for six days, the

695
00:23:27,255 --> 00:23:28,722
Birds in angry birds will no

696
00:23:28,790 --> 00:23:29,657
Longer be angry.

697
00:23:29,724 --> 00:23:30,991
What are you playing?

698
00:23:31,059 --> 00:23:31,759
Good-natured birds.

699
00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:32,159
How is it?

700
00:23:32,227 --> 00:23:35,362
It stinks.

701
00:23:35,430 --> 00:23:37,264
And if I'm incarcerated for one

702
00:23:37,332 --> 00:23:38,799
Whole week, we start messing

703
00:23:38,867 --> 00:23:41,502
With porn sites, the free ones.

704
00:23:41,570 --> 00:23:42,236
Ooh, got your attention now, do

705
00:23:42,304 --> 00:23:45,239
I?

706
00:23:45,307 --> 00:23:45,906
There you have it.

707
00:23:45,974 --> 00:23:47,508
Hope to see you on the outside.

708
00:23:47,576 --> 00:23:48,976
In conclusion, I want to remind

709
00:23:49,044 --> 00:23:50,511
You that no matter how I die,

710
00:23:50,579 --> 00:23:51,979
Even if there's a suicide note,

711
00:23:52,047 --> 00:23:52,880
It was murder.

712
00:23:52,881 --> 00:23:55,483
It was murder.
Cheers.

713
00:24:20,190 --> 00:24:20,690
>>> you're watching

714
00:24:20,757 --> 00:24:21,590
"sexually speaking."

715
00:24:21,658 --> 00:24:23,592
With dr. Linda marie choice.

716
00:24:23,660 --> 00:24:25,594
Dr. Linda has been married seven

717
00:24:25,662 --> 00:24:26,996
Times and specializes in sexual

718
00:24:27,064 --> 00:24:28,964
And reproductive health.

719
00:24:29,032 --> 00:24:30,700
And now, with her personal

720
00:24:30,767 --> 00:24:33,235
Approach to sexual issues,

721
00:24:33,303 --> 00:24:34,670
Please welcome dr. Linda marie

722
00:24:34,738 --> 00:24:37,239
Choice.

723
00:24:37,307 --> 00:24:39,508
>> dr. Linda's sick.

724
00:24:39,576 --> 00:24:41,210
I'm her producer, roger brush.

725
00:24:41,278 --> 00:24:42,645
Dr. Linda's daughter called and

726
00:24:42,713 --> 00:24:43,779
Said she's got a stomach thing.

727
00:24:43,847 --> 00:24:47,616
I don't want to get too graphic,

728
00:24:47,684 --> 00:24:48,551
But she's got clear water coming

729
00:24:48,618 --> 00:24:50,386
Out of her butt.

730
00:24:50,454 --> 00:24:54,090
[ laughter ]

731
00:24:54,157 --> 00:24:55,324
I said please don't come in.

732
00:24:55,392 --> 00:24:57,259
I'll just take it from here.

733
00:24:57,327 --> 00:24:59,061
Let's go to the audience.

734
00:24:59,129 --> 00:24:59,729
>> this is pamela shimpley.

735
00:24:59,796 --> 00:25:00,496
She has a question about her and

736
00:25:00,564 --> 00:25:01,297
Her husband's love-making.

737
00:25:01,364 --> 00:25:02,164
>> hi, I have an issue with my

738
00:25:02,232 --> 00:25:05,568
Husband.

739
00:25:05,635 --> 00:25:07,269
I love him so much, but he's,

740
00:25:07,337 --> 00:25:08,404
Well, small.

741
00:25:08,472 --> 00:25:09,138
>> you know, I can't hear you,

742
00:25:09,206 --> 00:25:10,339
Honey.

743
00:25:10,407 --> 00:25:12,374
Be loud.

744
00:25:12,442 --> 00:25:15,377
>> he has a small penis.

745
00:25:15,445 --> 00:25:17,113
>> say it again.

746
00:25:17,180 --> 00:25:18,814
>> he has a small penis.

747
00:25:18,882 --> 00:25:19,315
>> small v-necks?

748
00:25:19,382 --> 00:25:20,516
[ laughter ]

749
00:25:20,584 --> 00:25:21,650
Can anybody hear?

750
00:25:21,718 --> 00:25:22,418
You know, you've got to eat that

751
00:25:22,486 --> 00:25:25,921
Microphone.

752
00:25:25,989 --> 00:25:26,655
>> his penis, it's thin like a

753
00:25:26,723 --> 00:25:29,525
Chicken bone.

754
00:25:29,593 --> 00:25:30,626
>> oh.

755
00:25:30,694 --> 00:25:32,795
I see what you're saying.

756
00:25:32,863 --> 00:25:34,196
How about this.

757
00:25:34,264 --> 00:25:35,030
You know, when he does it, just

758
00:25:35,098 --> 00:25:37,500
Say, "ooh, ooh, baby, that's the

759
00:25:37,567 --> 00:25:38,334
Best I ever had."

760
00:25:38,401 --> 00:25:39,068
>> no, that's not the problem.

761
00:25:39,136 --> 00:25:39,802
>> you know, I don't know what

762
00:25:39,870 --> 00:25:41,871
To tell you, sweetheart.

763
00:25:41,938 --> 00:25:43,339
I'm up here sweating,

764
00:25:43,406 --> 00:25:44,006
Trying to help you out, and

765
00:25:44,074 --> 00:25:44,774
You're bad-mouthing your husband

766
00:25:44,841 --> 00:25:45,241
Behind his back.

767
00:25:45,308 --> 00:25:45,708
>> no, I'm not.

768
00:25:45,776 --> 00:25:46,208
He's right there.

769
00:25:46,276 --> 00:25:47,576
[ laughter ]

770
00:25:47,644 --> 00:25:48,444
>> you're the one with the

771
00:25:48,512 --> 00:25:50,146
Skinny ding-a-ling?

772
00:25:50,213 --> 00:25:52,348
I don't know what to tell you.

773
00:25:52,415 --> 00:25:53,582
You know,

774
00:25:53,650 --> 00:25:55,584
Soak it in saltwater and see if

775
00:25:55,652 --> 00:25:57,553
It pumps up.

776
00:25:57,621 --> 00:25:58,087
I'm not the expert.

777
00:25:58,155 --> 00:25:58,654
All right, who's next?

778
00:25:58,722 --> 00:25:59,255
>> this is tyler bands.

779
00:25:59,322 --> 00:25:59,922
He has a really interesting

780
00:25:59,990 --> 00:26:00,723
Question.

781
00:26:00,791 --> 00:26:01,457
>> my partner and I have been

782
00:26:01,525 --> 00:26:04,894
Together for four years.

783
00:26:04,961 --> 00:26:05,661
How do we keep our sex life

784
00:26:05,729 --> 00:26:07,163
Exciting?

785
00:26:07,230 --> 00:26:07,897
>> have you tried tickling her?

786
00:26:07,964 --> 00:26:09,331
>> it's a he.

787
00:26:09,399 --> 00:26:10,733
>> it's a what?

788
00:26:10,801 --> 00:26:12,434
>> it's a he.

789
00:26:12,502 --> 00:26:12,835
>> what?

790
00:26:12,903 --> 00:26:14,537
You know, I can't hear you.

791
00:26:14,604 --> 00:26:16,238
It sounds like you said "it's a

792
00:26:16,306 --> 00:26:17,506
He."

793
00:26:17,574 --> 00:26:18,274
>> I did.

794
00:26:18,341 --> 00:26:19,542
Your girlfriend is a he?

795
00:26:19,609 --> 00:26:20,643
>> I have a boyfriend.

796
00:26:20,710 --> 00:26:22,378
>> well, how did that happen?

797
00:26:22,445 --> 00:26:24,446
>> what should we do?

798
00:26:24,514 --> 00:26:24,914
>> I don't know.

799
00:26:24,981 --> 00:26:26,549
You know, just look at your

800
00:26:26,616 --> 00:26:27,616
Boyfriend and say, you and I

801
00:26:27,684 --> 00:26:31,420
Both know this is weird.

802
00:26:31,488 --> 00:26:33,923
And, you know, close your eyes

803
00:26:33,990 --> 00:26:34,890
And do it and get it over with

804
00:26:34,958 --> 00:26:35,791
And hope for the best.

805
00:26:35,859 --> 00:26:38,227
>> what?

806
00:26:38,295 --> 00:26:39,328
Where's dr. Linda?

807
00:26:39,396 --> 00:26:40,496
She really helps people.

808
00:26:40,564 --> 00:26:43,999
She tells them to touch each

809
00:26:44,067 --> 00:26:45,367
Other's faces and be honest with

810
00:26:45,435 --> 00:26:47,203
One another.

811
00:26:47,270 --> 00:26:47,703
Stuff like that.

812
00:26:47,771 --> 00:26:49,371
>> dr. Linda is sick today.

813
00:26:49,439 --> 00:26:51,941
>> you want dr. Linda up here

814
00:26:52,008 --> 00:26:53,642
Peeing out of her ass?

815
00:26:53,710 --> 00:26:54,109
I don't.

816
00:26:54,177 --> 00:26:55,044
Let's get to the next person.

817
00:26:55,111 --> 00:27:01,817
Who do we got?

818
00:27:01,885 --> 00:27:02,518
>> this is jenna lynn austin.

819
00:27:02,586 --> 00:27:03,285
She has a great question and she

820
00:27:03,353 --> 00:27:03,752
Needs your help.

821
00:27:03,820 --> 00:27:04,486
>> yeah, my boyfriend seems more

822
00:27:04,554 --> 00:27:05,254
Concerned with his own needs in

823
00:27:05,322 --> 00:27:05,688
Bed than mine.

824
00:27:05,755 --> 00:27:06,021
>> and?

825
00:27:06,089 --> 00:27:09,525
[ laughter ]

826
00:27:09,593 --> 00:27:12,027
What are you looking at?

827
00:27:12,095 --> 00:27:13,963
I said "and?"

828
00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:14,597
I don't see the problem.

829
00:27:14,664 --> 00:27:16,131
Who's next?

830
00:27:16,199 --> 00:27:20,736
>> this is stacy England.

831
00:27:20,804 --> 00:27:21,303
>> hi.

832
00:27:21,371 --> 00:27:23,472
I want to have sex with my

833
00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:26,208
Boyfriend, but he wants to wait.

834
00:27:26,276 --> 00:27:29,612
>> why does he want to wait?

835
00:27:29,679 --> 00:27:31,180
Lose some weight or something?

836
00:27:31,248 --> 00:27:32,748
Make him a meal and say I'm

837
00:27:32,816 --> 00:27:34,316
Sorry about my thighs, but this

838
00:27:34,384 --> 00:27:35,684
Is as good as it gets.

839
00:27:35,752 --> 00:27:36,285
>> what?

840
00:27:36,353 --> 00:27:37,219
I'm not overweight.

841
00:27:37,287 --> 00:27:38,721
Dr. Linda would never say that.

842
00:27:38,788 --> 00:27:39,521
>> I know.

843
00:27:39,589 --> 00:27:40,222
I know.

844
00:27:40,290 --> 00:27:41,590
>> why are you taking her side?

845
00:27:41,658 --> 00:27:42,858
I'm trying to help you out and

846
00:27:42,926 --> 00:27:46,295
You're being a real diva.

847
00:27:46,363 --> 00:27:47,696
Listen, I've got problems of my

848
00:27:47,764 --> 00:27:48,063
Own.

849
00:27:48,131 --> 00:27:49,632
My sister just asked me if she

850
00:27:49,699 --> 00:27:50,799
Could borrow $15,000.

851
00:27:50,867 --> 00:27:51,533
I don't know that I have it.

852
00:27:51,601 --> 00:27:52,268
I mean, I have it, but I want

853
00:27:52,335 --> 00:27:54,103
It.

854
00:27:54,170 --> 00:27:54,403
Okay.

855
00:27:54,471 --> 00:27:57,539
So who's next?

856
00:27:57,607 --> 00:27:58,140
>> no one wants to go.

857
00:27:58,208 --> 00:27:58,607
>> all right.

858
00:27:58,675 --> 00:27:59,241
Good.

859
00:27:59,309 --> 00:27:59,975
When we come back, nurse keller

860
00:28:00,043 --> 00:28:00,676
Shows us how to find the "g"

861
00:28:00,744 --> 00:28:00,976
Spot.

862
00:28:01,044 --> 00:28:01,377
Oh, great.

863
00:28:01,444 --> 00:28:02,645
♪

864
00:28:02,712 --> 00:28:04,380
[ cheers and applause ]

865
00:28:28,054 --> 00:28:28,787
>>> ladies and gentlemen, paul

866
00:28:28,854 --> 00:28:29,187
Mccartney.

867
00:28:29,255 --> 00:28:31,790
[ cheers and applause ]

868
00:28:32,992 --> 00:28:49,341
♪

869
00:28:53,746 --> 00:29:00,218
♪

870
00:29:00,286 --> 00:29:04,789
♪ jet

871
00:29:04,857 --> 00:29:07,892
Jet

872
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:09,594
Jet

873
00:29:09,662 --> 00:29:11,896
I can almost remember ♪

874
00:29:11,964 --> 00:29:15,567
♪ their funny faces

875
00:29:15,635 --> 00:29:17,569
That time you told them

876
00:29:17,637 --> 00:29:18,703
That you were going to

877
00:29:18,771 --> 00:29:24,976
Be marrying soon ♪

878
00:29:25,044 --> 00:29:27,812
♪ and jet, I thought the

879
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:30,115
Only lonely face

880
00:29:30,182 --> 00:29:33,785
Was on the moon jet ♪

881
00:29:33,853 --> 00:29:37,522
♪ jet

882
00:29:37,590 --> 00:29:40,058
Jet

883
00:29:40,126 --> 00:29:42,027
Was your father as old

884
00:29:42,094 --> 00:29:45,463
As the sergeant major ♪

885
00:29:45,531 --> 00:29:47,265
♪ well how come he told

886
00:29:47,266 --> 00:29:48,933
You that you're hardly

887
00:29:48,934 --> 00:29:54,539
Old enough yet

888
00:29:54,607 --> 00:29:56,808
And jet, I thought ♪

889
00:29:56,876 --> 00:29:59,644
♪ the major was

890
00:29:59,712 --> 00:30:03,381
A lady suffragette jet

891
00:30:03,449 --> 00:30:11,890
Jet ♪

892
00:30:11,957 --> 00:30:13,591
♪ ah mater, want jet

893
00:30:13,659 --> 00:30:18,430
To always love me

894
00:30:18,497 --> 00:30:20,732
Ah mater, want jet

895
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:22,701
To always love me ♪

896
00:30:22,768 --> 00:30:28,673
♪ ah mater

897
00:30:28,741 --> 00:30:31,576
Much later ♪

898
00:30:32,445 --> 00:30:38,650
♪

899
00:30:38,718 --> 00:30:43,188
♪ jet ♪

900
00:30:43,255 --> 00:30:54,899
♪

901
00:30:54,900 --> 00:30:57,402
♪ and jet, I thought the

902
00:30:57,470 --> 00:30:59,671
Major was a

903
00:30:59,739 --> 00:31:00,805
Lady suffragette

904
00:31:00,873 --> 00:31:03,374
Jet ♪

905
00:31:03,442 --> 00:31:11,649
♪ jet

906
00:31:11,717 --> 00:31:13,752
Ah mater, want jet

907
00:31:13,753 --> 00:31:18,256
To always love me

908
00:31:18,257 --> 00:31:21,025
Ah mater, want jet ♪

909
00:31:21,093 --> 00:31:22,460
♪ to always love me

910
00:31:22,528 --> 00:31:26,731
Ah mater

911
00:31:26,799 --> 00:31:30,201
Much later ♪

912
00:31:31,337 --> 00:31:37,509
♪

913
00:31:37,576 --> 00:31:39,210
♪ jet

914
00:31:39,278 --> 00:31:40,912
With the wind in your hair

915
00:31:40,980 --> 00:31:44,916
Of a thousand laces

916
00:31:44,984 --> 00:31:46,351
Climb on the back and ♪

917
00:31:46,418 --> 00:31:48,019
♪ we'll go for a ride

918
00:31:48,087 --> 00:31:54,592
In the sky

919
00:31:54,660 --> 00:31:56,861
And jet, I thought that

920
00:31:56,929 --> 00:31:58,563
The major was a ♪

921
00:31:58,631 --> 00:31:59,764
♪ lady suffragette

922
00:31:59,765 --> 00:32:03,168
Jet

923
00:32:03,169 --> 00:32:09,941
Jet

924
00:32:10,009 --> 00:32:11,643
And jet, you know I ♪

925
00:32:11,710 --> 00:32:13,912
♪ thought you was a

926
00:32:13,979 --> 00:32:14,479
Lady suffragette

927
00:32:14,547 --> 00:32:21,052
Jet

928
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:25,023
And a lady ♪

929
00:32:25,090 --> 00:32:25,890
♪ oh, yeah

930
00:32:25,958 --> 00:32:30,428
Yeah, yeah ♪

931
00:32:30,496 --> 00:32:35,533
Yeah, yeah ♪

932
00:32:35,601 --> 00:32:37,268
♪

933
00:32:37,336 --> 00:32:42,674
[ cheers and applause ]

934
00:33:04,975 --> 00:33:05,775
>> "weekend update" with

935
00:33:05,842 --> 00:33:10,613
Seth meyers.

936
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:11,380
>> good evening, I'm seth meyers

937
00:33:11,448 --> 00:33:12,048
And here are tonight's top

938
00:33:12,115 --> 00:33:14,617
Stories.

939
00:33:14,684 --> 00:33:16,652
Many democrats were upset this

940
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:17,620
Week with president obama,

941
00:33:17,687 --> 00:33:18,821
Saying that he failed to

942
00:33:18,889 --> 00:33:19,622
Negotiate with the republicans

943
00:33:19,689 --> 00:33:21,223
On extending the bush-era tax

944
00:33:21,291 --> 00:33:21,524
Cuts.

945
00:33:21,591 --> 00:33:23,726
And that he

946
00:33:23,794 --> 00:33:24,460
Caved in on raising taxes on the

947
00:33:24,528 --> 00:33:24,760
Rich.

948
00:33:24,828 --> 00:33:25,494
Man, if other democrats think

949
00:33:25,562 --> 00:33:27,430
You caved, you really caved.

950
00:33:27,497 --> 00:33:28,564
That's like the chess club

951
00:33:28,632 --> 00:33:33,402
President calling you a nerd.

952
00:33:33,470 --> 00:33:34,236
>>> when democrats this week

953
00:33:34,304 --> 00:33:34,937
Rejected obama's compromise

954
00:33:35,005 --> 00:33:36,539
Plan, the white house took a

955
00:33:36,606 --> 00:33:37,306
Page from the music industry, if

956
00:33:37,374 --> 00:33:38,808
You're not selling like you used

957
00:33:38,875 --> 00:33:45,648
To, break out the greatest hits.

958
00:33:45,715 --> 00:33:47,716
>>> wikileaks' founder julian

959
00:33:47,784 --> 00:33:48,484
Assange was arrested on Monday,

960
00:33:48,552 --> 00:33:49,218
And now all americans can sleep

961
00:33:49,286 --> 00:33:49,952
Easy knowing they have nothing

962
00:33:50,020 --> 00:33:50,686
More to fear from the bad man

963
00:33:50,754 --> 00:33:55,691
Who wanted them to read.

964
00:33:55,759 --> 00:33:58,394
>>> in an interview this week

965
00:33:58,462 --> 00:34:00,463
With barbara walters, oprah

966
00:34:00,530 --> 00:34:02,898
Winfrey denies she is a lesbian

967
00:34:02,966 --> 00:34:05,000
Saying, I'm not even kind of a

968
00:34:05,068 --> 00:34:05,334
Lesbian.

969
00:34:05,402 --> 00:34:07,837
Said walters, "I haven't even

970
00:34:07,904 --> 00:34:10,339
Asked you a question yet."

971
00:34:10,407 --> 00:34:11,173
>>> new jersey's first bear hunt

972
00:34:11,241 --> 00:34:11,874
In five years started Monday.

973
00:34:11,942 --> 00:34:18,214
So be on your guard, mob wives.

974
00:34:18,281 --> 00:34:19,415
>>> it was reported that a

975
00:34:19,483 --> 00:34:20,182
Number of professional athletes

976
00:34:20,250 --> 00:34:22,184
Are now seeking to copyright

977
00:34:22,252 --> 00:34:23,619
Their personal slogans including

978
00:34:23,687 --> 00:34:26,722
The new york jets' durrell

979
00:34:26,790 --> 00:34:29,925
Revis' revis island, strahan's

980
00:34:29,993 --> 00:34:32,728
Stomp you out, I love me some,

981
00:34:32,796 --> 00:34:35,231
And brett favre's say hello to

982
00:34:35,298 --> 00:34:39,602
My little friend.

983
00:34:39,669 --> 00:34:40,836
>>> a man in kentucky has been

984
00:34:40,904 --> 00:34:41,604
Sentenced to 33 months in prison

985
00:34:41,671 --> 00:34:42,338
For threatening president obama

986
00:34:42,405 --> 00:34:43,038
In a poem called "the sniper."

987
00:34:43,106 --> 00:34:43,806
And I would guess that poetry is

988
00:34:43,874 --> 00:34:45,074
The absolute worst answer you

989
00:34:45,142 --> 00:34:45,941
Can give to the question, "what

990
00:34:46,009 --> 00:34:53,215
Are you in for?"

991
00:34:53,283 --> 00:34:54,416
>>> a car carrying prince

992
00:34:54,484 --> 00:34:55,951
Charles and his wife, camilla,

993
00:34:56,019 --> 00:34:57,486
Was attacked Thursday in london

994
00:34:57,554 --> 00:34:59,455
By angry student protesters who

995
00:34:59,523 --> 00:35:00,923
Were upset over a hike in

996
00:35:00,991 --> 00:35:01,690
University tuition fees.

997
00:35:01,758 --> 00:35:03,242
Anarles and

998
00:35:03,310 --> 00:35:05,010
Camilla were saying, it's time

999
00:35:05,078 --> 00:35:07,246
For a "weekend update audio

1000
00:35:07,314 --> 00:35:07,613
Caption."

1001
00:35:07,681 --> 00:35:09,215
And here to help me perform it,

1002
00:35:09,282 --> 00:35:15,120
Paul mccartney.

1003
00:35:15,188 --> 00:35:15,821
Welcome to "weekend update,"

1004
00:35:15,889 --> 00:35:16,121
Paul.

1005
00:35:16,189 --> 00:35:17,223
Are you ready?

1006
00:35:17,290 --> 00:35:18,123
>> I am.

1007
00:35:18,191 --> 00:35:18,858
>> okay, so I will be the voice

1008
00:35:18,925 --> 00:35:19,558
Of prince charles.

1009
00:35:19,626 --> 00:35:20,125
You will be camilla.

1010
00:35:20,193 --> 00:35:21,126
>> great.

1011
00:35:21,194 --> 00:35:24,296
>> okay.

1012
00:35:24,364 --> 00:35:24,997
And can you do an english

1013
00:35:25,065 --> 00:35:26,131
Accent?

1014
00:35:26,199 --> 00:35:26,565
>> I can try.

1015
00:35:26,633 --> 00:35:28,334
>> okay.

1016
00:35:28,401 --> 00:35:30,135
>> and action!

1017
00:35:30,203 --> 00:35:31,570
>> oh, no!

1018
00:35:31,638 --> 00:35:33,305
>> oh, goodness me!

1019
00:35:33,373 --> 00:35:33,906
>> oh, ne'er do wells!

1020
00:35:33,974 --> 00:35:35,508
>> ruffians!

1021
00:35:35,575 --> 00:35:36,442
>> oh, camilla!

1022
00:35:36,510 --> 00:35:37,142
>> oh, charles, do something!

1023
00:35:37,210 --> 00:35:37,843
>> oh!

1024
00:35:37,911 --> 00:35:38,644
No matter what happens, I love

1025
00:35:38,712 --> 00:35:39,612
You camilla!

1026
00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:40,446
>> and I love you!

1027
00:35:40,514 --> 00:35:41,013
>> oh, I love you!

1028
00:35:41,081 --> 00:35:41,447
>> I love you!

1029
00:35:41,515 --> 00:35:41,914
>> I love you!

1030
00:35:41,982 --> 00:35:43,215
>> I love you!

1031
00:35:43,283 --> 00:35:45,618
>> I love you!

1032
00:35:45,685 --> 00:35:48,854
>> and scene.

1033
00:35:48,922 --> 00:35:53,959
[ cheers and applause ]

1034
00:35:54,027 --> 00:35:55,461
So how do you think that went?

1035
00:35:55,529 --> 00:35:56,228
>> probably the best thing I've

1036
00:35:56,296 --> 00:36:01,133
Ever worked on.

1037
00:36:01,201 --> 00:36:04,303
>> paul mccartney, everyone!

1038
00:36:04,371 --> 00:36:05,504
>>> it was announced that after

1039
00:36:05,572 --> 00:36:07,540
70 years, the syndicated

1040
00:36:07,607 --> 00:36:09,375
Newspaper comic strip "brenda

1041
00:36:09,442 --> 00:36:10,876
Star" will end.

1042
00:36:10,944 --> 00:36:12,645
Now they'll have room for the

1043
00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:18,684
Edgy new strip "ziggy nights."

1044
00:36:18,752 --> 00:36:20,553
>>> a new report suggests that

1045
00:36:20,620 --> 00:36:21,820
Men who grew up in the country

1046
00:36:21,888 --> 00:36:23,656
Have larger penises than men who

1047
00:36:23,723 --> 00:36:24,823
Grow up in the city.

1048
00:36:24,891 --> 00:36:25,591
I don't know if that's true, but

1049
00:36:25,659 --> 00:36:33,632
I reckon it could be.

1050
00:36:33,700 --> 00:36:37,002
>>> a&e this week canceled david

1051
00:36:37,070 --> 00:36:38,170
Hasselhoff's new series after

1052
00:36:38,238 --> 00:36:39,271
Just two episodes.

1053
00:36:39,339 --> 00:36:40,773
It's hard to say how he'll take

1054
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:41,674
The news, but I'm going to

1055
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:45,711
Guess, lying down?

1056
00:36:45,779 --> 00:36:47,046
>>> it's christmastime in new

1057
00:36:47,113 --> 00:36:48,247
York, which means millions will

1058
00:36:48,315 --> 00:36:50,316
Be heading to the city to

1059
00:36:50,383 --> 00:36:50,716
Celebrate.

1060
00:36:50,784 --> 00:36:54,820
Here with tips on what new york

1061
00:36:54,888 --> 00:36:57,022
Can offer is our correspondent,

1062
00:36:57,090 --> 00:37:05,164
Stefan.

1063
00:37:05,231 --> 00:37:06,732
>> stefan, how have you been?

1064
00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:07,232
>> the same.

1065
00:37:07,300 --> 00:37:09,702
>> lots of people are heading

1066
00:37:09,769 --> 00:37:11,203
Here for a great new york

1067
00:37:11,271 --> 00:37:11,604
Christmas.

1068
00:37:11,671 --> 00:37:12,705
Do you have any tips on what

1069
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,806
They can see and do?

1070
00:37:13,873 --> 00:37:14,273
>> yes.

1071
00:37:14,374 --> 00:37:17,443
If you're here from ohio or

1072
00:37:17,510 --> 00:37:18,577
Whatever, look no further.

1073
00:37:18,645 --> 00:37:19,244
New york's hottest club is

1074
00:37:19,312 --> 00:37:20,913
Ounce.

1075
00:37:20,981 --> 00:37:22,014
Located in the middle of the

1076
00:37:22,082 --> 00:37:22,781
East river.

1077
00:37:22,849 --> 00:37:26,218
This place has everything.

1078
00:37:26,286 --> 00:37:28,287
Cholos, puke people, a sheepdog

1079
00:37:28,355 --> 00:37:32,057
That looks like bruce valanche.

1080
00:37:32,125 --> 00:37:34,093
An entire room of puppets doing

1081
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:34,426
Karate.

1082
00:37:34,494 --> 00:37:35,894
>> I'm sorry, why are puppets

1083
00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:36,895
Doing karate?

1084
00:37:36,963 --> 00:37:38,530
>> because it's that thing when

1085
00:37:38,598 --> 00:37:40,599
Someone calls miss piggy fat and

1086
00:37:40,667 --> 00:37:47,406
She goes, hi-yah!

1087
00:37:47,474 --> 00:37:48,907
>> stefan, when I said, you

1088
00:37:48,975 --> 00:37:50,442
Know, fun things for the

1089
00:37:50,510 --> 00:37:51,210
Holidays, I meant things that

1090
00:37:51,277 --> 00:37:51,877
Were a little more normal.

1091
00:37:51,945 --> 00:37:53,912
>> mm-hmm.

1092
00:37:53,980 --> 00:37:55,414
>> can you think of anything

1093
00:37:55,482 --> 00:37:56,715
That might be a little more sort

1094
00:37:56,783 --> 00:37:57,383
Of like classic new york

1095
00:37:57,450 --> 00:37:59,818
Holiday?

1096
00:37:59,886 --> 00:38:01,553
>> yes, yes, yes.

1097
00:38:01,621 --> 00:38:03,255
If you want your christmas in

1098
00:38:03,323 --> 00:38:04,590
New york to be classic, look no

1099
00:38:04,658 --> 00:38:04,923
Further.

1100
00:38:04,991 --> 00:38:09,495
New york's hottest club is

1101
00:38:09,562 --> 00:38:09,828
Oonce.

1102
00:38:09,896 --> 00:38:12,031
This lower, lower east side is

1103
00:38:12,098 --> 00:38:12,898
The creation of club owner

1104
00:38:12,966 --> 00:38:20,272
Tranderson cooper.

1105
00:38:20,340 --> 00:38:21,407
And it finally answers the

1106
00:38:21,474 --> 00:38:22,274
Question, "do I have to?"

1107
00:38:22,342 --> 00:38:23,409
Lll this place has everything.

1108
00:38:23,476 --> 00:38:25,344
Schizos, kite enthusiasts,

1109
00:38:25,412 --> 00:38:27,279
And that's not all.

1110
00:38:27,347 --> 00:38:28,213
Look who just came in.

1111
00:38:28,281 --> 00:38:29,915
It's blingo.

1112
00:38:29,983 --> 00:38:31,050
>> sorry, blingo?

1113
00:38:31,117 --> 00:38:31,750
>> black ringo.

1114
00:38:31,818 --> 00:38:37,189
>> oh.

1115
00:38:37,257 --> 00:38:38,991
I don't know how to say this,

1116
00:38:39,059 --> 00:38:40,759
But I was brought up to respect

1117
00:38:40,827 --> 00:38:42,161
People from all walks of life.

1118
00:38:42,228 --> 00:38:43,328
And I am glad that you have a

1119
00:38:43,396 --> 00:38:45,264
World you feel comfortable in.

1120
00:38:45,331 --> 00:38:46,532
>> dungeon culture, yes.

1121
00:38:46,599 --> 00:38:47,766
>> but look, buddy.

1122
00:38:47,834 --> 00:38:49,501
You know, I'm kind of an

1123
00:38:49,569 --> 00:38:50,235
Old-fashioned guy, born and

1124
00:38:50,303 --> 00:38:51,603
Raised in new hampshire.

1125
00:38:51,671 --> 00:38:58,644
>> seth meyers.

1126
00:38:58,712 --> 00:38:59,478
>> I just wanted to help folks,

1127
00:38:59,546 --> 00:39:07,486
You know.

1128
00:39:07,554 --> 00:39:08,687
I wand th

1129
00:39:08,755 --> 00:39:09,455
I want them to find some got,

1130
00:39:09,522 --> 00:39:10,956
Old-fashioned

1131
00:39:11,024 --> 00:39:11,523
Christmas cheer.

1132
00:39:11,591 --> 00:39:12,257
Now, can you help us with that?

1133
00:39:12,325 --> 00:39:12,658
>> yes.

1134
00:39:12,726 --> 00:39:13,225
>> okay, good.

1135
00:39:13,293 --> 00:39:13,859
>> if you're old or into

1136
00:39:13,927 --> 00:39:14,593
Fashion, I've got a place for

1137
00:39:14,661 --> 00:39:14,860
You.

1138
00:39:14,928 --> 00:39:15,594
New york's hottest holiday club

1139
00:39:15,662 --> 00:39:19,498
Is blitzen.

1140
00:39:19,566 --> 00:39:20,199
And right now they're having

1141
00:39:20,266 --> 00:39:22,434
Their 12 days of christmas dance

1142
00:39:22,502 --> 00:39:23,669
Party.

1143
00:39:23,737 --> 00:39:24,336
>> oh, 12 days of christmas.

1144
00:39:24,404 --> 00:39:24,837
That sounds nice.

1145
00:39:24,904 --> 00:39:30,509
>> because it has everything.

1146
00:39:30,577 --> 00:39:32,911
♪ 12 jacked albinos,

1147
00:39:32,979 --> 00:39:33,512
10 pierce-eared babies

1148
00:39:33,580 --> 00:39:34,046
9 asian balkis ♪

1149
00:39:34,114 --> 00:39:34,613
♪ 8 gay aladdins

1150
00:39:34,681 --> 00:39:38,150
7 psychos swearting

1151
00:39:38,218 --> 00:39:41,520
6 puerto rican screeches ♪

1152
00:39:41,588 --> 00:39:43,422
>> of course.

1153
00:39:43,490 --> 00:39:47,926
We all knew that.

1154
00:39:47,994 --> 00:39:51,130
♪ 5 homeless elmos ♪

1155
00:39:51,197 --> 00:39:55,200
4 coke coked-up frogs

1156
00:39:55,268 --> 00:39:55,634
3 french hens

1157
00:39:55,702 --> 00:39:56,902
Taylor negron

1158
00:39:56,970 --> 00:40:01,073
And a human parking cone ♪

1159
00:40:01,141 --> 00:40:02,741
>> soliai it on me, my man.

1160
00:40:02,809 --> 00:40:04,343
What's your question?

1161
00:40:04,410 --> 00:40:05,377
>> the question was what's a

1162
00:40:05,445 --> 00:40:07,012
Human parking cone?

1163
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:08,947
>> yes, it's that thing of when

1164
00:40:09,015 --> 00:40:10,349
When two jacked midgets paint

1165
00:40:10,416 --> 00:40:11,784
Themselves orange and you have

1166
00:40:11,851 --> 00:40:18,457
To parallel park between them.

1167
00:40:18,525 --> 00:40:23,729
[ laughter and applause ]

1168
00:40:23,797 --> 00:40:24,797
>> oh, that thing.

1169
00:40:24,864 --> 00:40:27,032
It's that thing.

1170
00:40:27,100 --> 00:40:34,940
That's the thing it is.

1171
00:40:35,008 --> 00:40:39,244
Stefan, don't you ever just want

1172
00:40:39,312 --> 00:40:40,112
To have a normal christmas?

1173
00:40:40,180 --> 00:40:40,879
>> well, I would but no one ever

1174
00:40:40,947 --> 00:40:41,513
Invited stefon to normal

1175
00:40:41,581 --> 00:40:41,880
Christmas!

1176
00:40:41,948 --> 00:40:45,918
>> aw.

1177
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:47,686
>> well, stefon, would you

1178
00:40:47,754 --> 00:40:48,420
Like to come to new hampshire

1179
00:40:48,488 --> 00:40:48,754
With me?

1180
00:40:48,822 --> 00:40:49,221
>> he asked me!

1181
00:40:49,289 --> 00:40:51,390
>> stefon, everybody.

1182
00:40:51,457 --> 00:40:51,957
>> im on top!

1183
00:40:52,025 --> 00:40:53,091
>> for "weekend update," I'm

1184
00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:55,794
Seth meyers.

1185
00:40:57,997 --> 00:40:59,198
>>> a new york city marketing

1186
00:40:59,265 --> 00:41:00,999
Group is trying to rebrand the

1187
00:41:01,067 --> 00:41:03,302
Area of manhattan below canal

1188
00:41:03,369 --> 00:41:04,937
Street as can-do which would be

1189
00:41:05,004 --> 00:41:06,538
An improvement from its current

1190
00:41:06,606 --> 00:41:07,239
Nickname, fish stink murder

1191
00:41:07,307 --> 00:41:11,777
Town.

1192
00:41:11,845 --> 00:41:12,511
>>> a woman in England called

1193
00:41:12,579 --> 00:41:15,814
Police this week to report that

1194
00:41:15,882 --> 00:41:17,249
Her snowman had been stolen from

1195
00:41:17,317 --> 00:41:18,650
Her front yard.

1196
00:41:18,718 --> 00:41:19,384
Oh, sure, the police are happy

1197
00:41:19,452 --> 00:41:20,085
To get involved when a white

1198
00:41:20,153 --> 00:41:24,790
Person goes missing.

1199
00:41:24,858 --> 00:41:26,358
>>> a 2-year-old girl in

1200
00:41:26,426 --> 00:41:27,526
Pennsylvania had to be rescued

1201
00:41:27,594 --> 00:41:28,927
By firefighters after she

1202
00:41:28,995 --> 00:41:30,395
Crawled inside a toy crane

1203
00:41:30,463 --> 00:41:31,997
Vending machine in a mall and

1204
00:41:32,065 --> 00:41:32,564
Became stuck.

1205
00:41:32,632 --> 00:41:33,966
They were able to get her out

1206
00:41:34,033 --> 00:41:35,100
Safely, but it took, like, $9 in

1207
00:41:35,168 --> 00:41:40,806
Quarters.

1208
00:41:40,874 --> 00:41:42,641
>>> for "weekend update," I'm

1209
00:41:42,709 --> 00:41:43,075
Seth meyers.

1210
00:41:43,142 --> 00:41:43,876
Good night!

1211
00:41:57,294 --> 00:41:57,693
>>> thank you.

1212
00:41:57,761 --> 00:41:58,494
And welcome, everyone, to our

1213
00:41:58,562 --> 00:41:59,261
First booker t. High school end

1214
00:41:59,329 --> 00:42:02,765
Of the year holiday jam.

1215
00:42:02,833 --> 00:42:04,433
I think as rudolph says, this is

1216
00:42:04,501 --> 00:42:10,406
Going to be off the hook.

1217
00:42:10,474 --> 00:42:11,540
So, uh, that's -- I'm

1218
00:42:11,608 --> 00:42:13,542
Mr. Griggs, the math teacher and

1219
00:42:13,610 --> 00:42:15,244
Holiday jam coordinator.

1220
00:42:15,312 --> 00:42:18,080
We've got lots of fun activities

1221
00:42:18,148 --> 00:42:19,515
For you here in the gym like pop

1222
00:42:19,583 --> 00:42:20,916
A shot, dodge ball and a holiday

1223
00:42:20,984 --> 00:42:21,784
Dance party in our library

1224
00:42:21,852 --> 00:42:22,918
Annex.

1225
00:42:22,986 --> 00:42:24,653
I don't think many of you

1226
00:42:24,721 --> 00:42:26,355
Celebrate hanukkah, but if you

1227
00:42:26,423 --> 00:42:28,057
Do, we've got the rapping rabbi

1228
00:42:28,124 --> 00:42:31,460
Dr. Dreidel stopping by.

1229
00:42:31,528 --> 00:42:33,162
And if you celebrate kwanzaa,

1230
00:42:33,230 --> 00:42:34,597
I've read several books on that.

1231
00:42:34,664 --> 00:42:35,464
And I still don't know what it

1232
00:42:35,532 --> 00:42:39,168
Is.

1233
00:42:39,236 --> 00:42:40,569
Oh, it looks like we have a

1234
00:42:40,637 --> 00:42:41,704
Quick message from our

1235
00:42:41,771 --> 00:42:43,405
Principal, daniel frey.

1236
00:42:43,473 --> 00:42:47,743
[ heavy breathing ]

1237
00:42:47,811 --> 00:42:48,444
>> attention, teachers and

1238
00:42:48,512 --> 00:42:49,378
Students.

1239
00:42:49,446 --> 00:42:50,846
We have a problem

1240
00:42:50,914 --> 00:42:57,553
In our cafeteria.

1241
00:42:57,621 --> 00:43:00,055
You know, running around in the

1242
00:43:00,123 --> 00:43:02,725
Lunchroom.

1243
00:43:02,792 --> 00:43:04,393
Apparently made a big mess

1244
00:43:04,461 --> 00:43:04,994
From b hall to d hall.

1245
00:43:05,061 --> 00:43:05,694
Please, pick up your babies.

1246
00:43:05,762 --> 00:43:06,428
This is a high school, not a day

1247
00:43:06,496 --> 00:43:06,829
Care center.

1248
00:43:06,897 --> 00:43:09,031
Thank you teachers and students

1249
00:43:09,099 --> 00:43:10,266
For your time

1250
00:43:10,333 --> 00:43:10,866
For that very important

1251
00:43:10,934 --> 00:43:13,636
Announcement.

1252
00:43:13,703 --> 00:43:14,803
[ laughter and applause ]

1253
00:43:14,871 --> 00:43:16,505
>> okay.

1254
00:43:16,573 --> 00:43:17,673
I just want to remind everyone

1255
00:43:17,741 --> 00:43:19,074
That we still have a few holiday

1256
00:43:19,142 --> 00:43:21,343
Cookies left.

1257
00:43:21,411 --> 00:43:23,045
Unfortunately, someone set the

1258
00:43:23,113 --> 00:43:24,179
Cafeteria holiday display on

1259
00:43:24,247 --> 00:43:26,448
Fire, and we had to put it out

1260
00:43:26,516 --> 00:43:29,318
With a ho, ho, hose.

1261
00:43:29,386 --> 00:43:31,887
That's a little joke.

1262
00:43:31,955 --> 00:43:33,322
But seriously, our cafeteria was

1263
00:43:33,390 --> 00:43:35,858
On fire.

1264
00:43:35,926 --> 00:43:37,259
Oh, here's principal frey.

1265
00:43:37,327 --> 00:43:43,799
[ heavy breathing ]

1266
00:43:43,867 --> 00:43:44,466
>> attention, teachers and

1267
00:43:44,534 --> 00:43:48,904
Students.

1268
00:43:48,972 --> 00:43:49,605
I have another important

1269
00:43:49,673 --> 00:43:53,842
Announcement to make.

1270
00:43:53,910 --> 00:43:55,511
It has come to my attention

1271
00:43:55,579 --> 00:43:56,345
That the costumes that were

1272
00:43:56,413 --> 00:43:57,179
Rented for last night's holiday

1273
00:43:57,247 --> 00:43:59,748
Show are infected with scabies.

1274
00:43:59,816 --> 00:44:01,483
If you are an elf and you are

1275
00:44:01,551 --> 00:44:02,151
Itchy, please report to the

1276
00:44:02,218 --> 00:44:06,255
Nurse.

1277
00:44:06,323 --> 00:44:07,189
Several elves have been taken

1278
00:44:07,257 --> 00:44:07,756
To the hospital.

1279
00:44:07,824 --> 00:44:08,624
Let us have a moment of silence

1280
00:44:08,692 --> 00:44:10,292
For the flesh of the infected.

1281
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:12,027
[ light laughter ]

1282
00:44:12,095 --> 00:44:12,561
>> okay.

1283
00:44:12,629 --> 00:44:16,565
A moment of silence, everyone.

1284
00:44:16,633 --> 00:44:17,132
[ heavy breathing ]

1285
00:44:17,200 --> 00:44:19,401
>> lord jesus.

1286
00:44:19,469 --> 00:44:21,904
[ heavy breathing ]

1287
00:44:21,972 --> 00:44:22,438
I don't know, baby.

1288
00:44:22,505 --> 00:44:25,841
I don't know.

1289
00:44:25,909 --> 00:44:26,609
Thank you very much for holding

1290
00:44:26,676 --> 00:44:28,277
For that important announcement.

1291
00:44:28,345 --> 00:44:32,247
Continue playing.

1292
00:44:32,315 --> 00:44:35,384
>> okay.

1293
00:44:35,452 --> 00:44:36,819
We've had some setbacks here,

1294
00:44:36,886 --> 00:44:38,220
But I know we can do this.

1295
00:44:38,288 --> 00:44:40,222
And I'm here to just give you a

1296
00:44:40,290 --> 00:44:43,926
Boost of self-esteem.

1297
00:44:43,994 --> 00:44:49,598
Or in this case, elf-esteem.

1298
00:44:49,666 --> 00:44:50,265
Oh, here's our gym teacher

1299
00:44:50,333 --> 00:44:50,733
Mr. King.

1300
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:51,300
>> hey.

1301
00:44:51,368 --> 00:44:51,900
Hey!

1302
00:44:51,968 --> 00:44:54,737
Shut up!

1303
00:44:54,804 --> 00:44:57,272
Shut the hell up!

1304
00:44:57,340 --> 00:44:59,274
This white man has been working

1305
00:44:59,342 --> 00:44:59,975
For months to put this thing

1306
00:45:00,043 --> 00:45:00,709
Together.

1307
00:45:00,777 --> 00:45:02,711
And this is what you do?

1308
00:45:02,779 --> 00:45:03,245
>> don't worry.

1309
00:45:03,313 --> 00:45:06,382
>> no, no!

1310
00:45:06,449 --> 00:45:09,284
This white man put this silly

1311
00:45:09,352 --> 00:45:09,985
Little carnival together for

1312
00:45:10,053 --> 00:45:10,386
You.

1313
00:45:10,453 --> 00:45:11,020
You should give him some

1314
00:45:11,087 --> 00:45:11,553
Respect.

1315
00:45:11,621 --> 00:45:12,287
Now shut the hell up and have

1316
00:45:12,355 --> 00:45:13,522
Some fun.

1317
00:45:13,590 --> 00:45:16,659
[ laughter and applause ]

1318
00:45:16,726 --> 00:45:17,493
>> thank you.

1319
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:18,927
Thank you, mr. King.

1320
00:45:18,995 --> 00:45:22,631
I appreciate that.

1321
00:45:22,699 --> 00:45:25,167
Oh, here's principal frey.

1322
00:45:25,235 --> 00:45:26,335
>> attention, all teachers and

1323
00:45:26,403 --> 00:45:27,736
Students.

1324
00:45:27,804 --> 00:45:29,471
We've had an unfortunate

1325
00:45:29,539 --> 00:45:30,572
Incident to our mascot the

1326
00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:36,011
Booker t. Trojan horse.

1327
00:45:36,079 --> 00:45:39,748
Apparently one of you jive tom

1328
00:45:39,816 --> 00:45:42,284
Turkeys thought it'd

1329
00:45:42,352 --> 00:45:43,152
Be funny to feed it a bucket of

1330
00:45:43,219 --> 00:45:44,019
Dr. Pepper in several viagra

1331
00:45:44,087 --> 00:45:45,154
Tablets.

1332
00:45:45,221 --> 00:45:45,988
The horse is currently in the

1333
00:45:46,056 --> 00:45:47,423
Parking lot trying to fornicate

1334
00:45:47,490 --> 00:45:48,290
With a nissan centra.

1335
00:45:48,358 --> 00:45:48,957
And ms. Williams is trapped

1336
00:45:49,025 --> 00:45:53,328
Inside.

1337
00:45:53,396 --> 00:45:55,531
We have called in a special

1338
00:45:55,598 --> 00:45:55,964
Veterinarian.

1339
00:45:56,032 --> 00:45:56,632
Who is familiar with horse

1340
00:45:56,700 --> 00:45:59,201
Erections?

1341
00:45:59,269 --> 00:46:00,669
Let us please have a moment of

1342
00:46:00,737 --> 00:46:01,437
Silence for ms. Williams for a

1343
00:46:01,504 --> 00:46:02,671
Safe tactical escape.

1344
00:46:02,739 --> 00:46:04,373
[ heavy breathing ]

1345
00:46:04,441 --> 00:46:05,507
Oh, my lord jesus.

1346
00:46:05,575 --> 00:46:06,642
[ heavy breathing ]

1347
00:46:06,710 --> 00:46:07,309
She's gonna get raped by a

1348
00:46:07,377 --> 00:46:12,314
Horse.

1349
00:46:12,382 --> 00:46:13,082
I've seen a lot of people down

1350
00:46:13,149 --> 00:46:15,017
Like that.

1351
00:46:15,085 --> 00:46:18,787
Oh, jesus.

1352
00:46:18,855 --> 00:46:21,156
Oh, lord bless the horny pony.

1353
00:46:21,224 --> 00:46:21,824
Thank you.

1354
00:46:21,891 --> 00:46:25,160
Thank you for holding for that

1355
00:46:25,228 --> 00:46:27,863
Important moment of silence.

1356
00:46:27,931 --> 00:46:28,731
And bless the horny pony once

1357
00:46:28,798 --> 00:46:30,399
Again.

1358
00:46:30,467 --> 00:46:33,635
She's going to be killed.

1359
00:46:33,703 --> 00:46:34,737
He's going to break the

1360
00:46:34,804 --> 00:46:35,537
Windshield with his thing.

1361
00:46:35,605 --> 00:46:36,038
I know he is.

1362
00:46:36,106 --> 00:46:40,609
Oh, lord jesus.

1363
00:46:40,677 --> 00:46:41,777
[ cheers and applause ]

1364
00:46:46,916 --> 00:46:48,183
>>> this holiday season at

1365
00:46:48,251 --> 00:46:50,252
Madison square garden, there's

1366
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:53,555
Only one show, one skater that

1367
00:46:53,623 --> 00:46:54,757
Families everywhere are flocking

1368
00:46:54,824 --> 00:47:00,462
To see.

1369
00:47:00,530 --> 00:47:01,063
[ cheers ]

1370
00:47:01,131 --> 00:47:02,931
Meryl streep on ice.

1371
00:47:02,999 --> 00:47:09,438
>> stop it!

1372
00:47:09,506 --> 00:47:10,272
>> she mastered the stage, the

1373
00:47:10,340 --> 00:47:10,973
Screen, and now meryl streep

1374
00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:13,709
Takes to the rink.

1375
00:47:13,777 --> 00:47:15,144
>> like it's anything.

1376
00:47:15,211 --> 00:47:21,116
I'm just having fun.

1377
00:47:21,184 --> 00:47:28,524
I skated twice in my life!

1378
00:47:28,591 --> 00:47:30,526
>> it was unbelievable.

1379
00:47:30,593 --> 00:47:31,160
>> better than "sophie's

1380
00:47:31,227 --> 00:47:32,528
Choice."

1381
00:47:32,595 --> 00:47:33,395
>> all of a sudden she was out

1382
00:47:33,463 --> 00:47:34,229
There.

1383
00:47:34,297 --> 00:47:38,200
I didn't even know she could

1384
00:47:38,268 --> 00:47:41,537
Skate.

1385
00:47:41,604 --> 00:47:42,237
I don't know why I'm getting

1386
00:47:42,305 --> 00:47:43,639
Emotional.

1387
00:47:43,706 --> 00:47:44,206
[ chanting ]

1388
00:47:44,274 --> 00:47:44,773
>> meryl!

1389
00:47:44,841 --> 00:47:45,073
Meryl!

1390
00:47:45,141 --> 00:47:45,607
Meryl!

1391
00:47:45,675 --> 00:47:46,475
Meryl!

1392
00:47:46,543 --> 00:47:49,044
>> sorry.

1393
00:47:49,112 --> 00:47:50,445
>> umm -- the bitch can skate.

1394
00:47:50,513 --> 00:47:51,880
[ laughter ]

1395
00:47:51,948 --> 00:47:52,714
>> it's meryl streep like you've

1396
00:47:52,782 --> 00:47:57,286
Never seen her before.

1397
00:47:57,353 --> 00:48:00,155
>> I just get on the ice and go!

1398
00:48:00,223 --> 00:48:02,424
>> "meryl streep on ice."

1399
00:48:02,492 --> 00:48:04,126
Choreography by nancy meyers.

1400
00:48:04,194 --> 00:48:04,993
>> all: We love meryl!

1401
00:48:05,061 --> 00:48:06,428
[ applause ]

1402
00:48:29,276 --> 00:48:31,011
>>> once again, paul mccartney.

1403
00:48:31,078 --> 00:48:34,447
[ cheers and applause ]

1404
00:48:35,916 --> 00:48:52,265
♪

1405
00:49:02,109 --> 00:49:11,718
♪

1406
00:49:11,786 --> 00:49:13,987
♪ stuck inside these

1407
00:49:14,055 --> 00:49:19,092
Four walls

1408
00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:24,798
Sent inside forever

1409
00:49:24,865 --> 00:49:30,203
Never seeing no one ♪

1410
00:49:30,271 --> 00:49:38,711
♪ nice again like you

1411
00:49:38,779 --> 00:49:45,251
Mama you

1412
00:49:45,319 --> 00:49:52,392
Mama you ♪

1413
00:49:52,460 --> 00:50:08,808
♪

1414
00:50:15,182 --> 00:50:20,820
♪

1415
00:50:20,888 --> 00:50:21,955
♪ if I ever get

1416
00:50:22,022 --> 00:50:22,822
Out of here

1417
00:50:22,890 --> 00:50:23,389
Thought of giving

1418
00:50:23,457 --> 00:50:26,793
It all away ♪

1419
00:50:26,861 --> 00:50:29,062
♪ to a registered charity

1420
00:50:29,130 --> 00:50:31,364
All I need is a pint a day

1421
00:50:31,432 --> 00:50:35,602
If I ever get out of here

1422
00:50:35,669 --> 00:50:37,303
If we ever get out of here ♪

1423
00:50:37,371 --> 00:50:53,720
♪

1424
00:50:55,289 --> 00:50:56,656
♪ well, the rain exploded

1425
00:50:56,724 --> 00:50:59,225
With a mighty crash

1426
00:50:59,293 --> 00:51:02,328
As we fell into the sun

1427
00:51:02,396 --> 00:51:04,631
And the first one said ♪

1428
00:51:04,698 --> 00:51:09,402
♪ to the second one there

1429
00:51:09,470 --> 00:51:12,172
I hope you're having fun

1430
00:51:12,239 --> 00:51:13,873
Band on the run

1431
00:51:13,941 --> 00:51:17,577
Band on the run ♪

1432
00:51:17,645 --> 00:51:21,281
♪ and the jailer man

1433
00:51:21,348 --> 00:51:22,415
And sailor sam

1434
00:51:22,483 --> 00:51:25,285
Were searching everyone

1435
00:51:25,352 --> 00:51:29,522
For the band on the run ♪

1436
00:51:29,590 --> 00:51:33,526
♪ for the band on the run

1437
00:51:33,594 --> 00:51:37,764
Band on the run

1438
00:51:37,831 --> 00:51:41,201
Band on the run

1439
00:51:41,268 --> 00:51:42,902
Well, the undertaker ♪

1440
00:51:42,970 --> 00:51:45,171
♪ drew a heavy sigh

1441
00:51:45,239 --> 00:51:48,575
Seeing no one else had come

1442
00:51:48,642 --> 00:51:50,577
And a bell was ringing

1443
00:51:50,644 --> 00:51:53,413
In the village square ♪

1444
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:56,549
♪ for the rabbits on the run

1445
00:51:56,617 --> 00:52:00,887
Band on the run

1446
00:52:00,888 --> 00:52:04,023
Band on the run

1447
00:52:04,024 --> 00:52:06,292
And the jailer man ♪

1448
00:52:06,293 --> 00:52:08,561
♪ and sailor sam

1449
00:52:08,562 --> 00:52:12,765
Were searching everyone

1450
00:52:12,833 --> 00:52:16,202
For the band on the run

1451
00:52:16,270 --> 00:52:18,171
Band on the run ♪

1452
00:52:18,239 --> 00:52:33,820
♪

1453
00:52:33,887 --> 00:52:38,358
♪ band on the run

1454
00:52:38,425 --> 00:52:42,328
Band on the run

1455
00:52:42,396 --> 00:52:45,765
Band on the run, yeah

1456
00:52:45,833 --> 00:52:49,202
The band on the run ♪

1457
00:52:49,270 --> 00:52:50,336
♪ well, the night was

1458
00:52:50,404 --> 00:52:53,439
Falling as the desert world

1459
00:52:53,507 --> 00:52:56,843
Began to settle down

1460
00:52:56,910 --> 00:52:57,710
In the town they're ♪

1461
00:52:57,778 --> 00:52:58,578
♪ searching for

1462
00:52:58,646 --> 00:53:00,580
You everywhere

1463
00:53:00,648 --> 00:53:02,915
But we never will be found

1464
00:53:02,916 --> 00:53:03,449
Oh, no ♪

1465
00:53:03,450 --> 00:53:10,223
♪ band on the run

1466
00:53:10,291 --> 00:53:12,492
Band on the run

1467
00:53:12,559 --> 00:53:17,897
And the county judge

1468
00:53:17,965 --> 00:53:23,569
Who held a grudge ♪

1469
00:53:23,637 --> 00:53:24,704
♪ will search for evermore

1470
00:53:24,772 --> 00:53:27,540
For the band on the run

1471
00:53:27,608 --> 00:53:30,710
For the band on the run

1472
00:53:30,778 --> 00:53:35,248
Band on the run ♪

1473
00:53:35,316 --> 00:53:39,552
♪ band on the run ♪

1474
00:53:39,620 --> 00:53:44,657
[ cheers and applause ]

1475
00:53:44,658 --> 00:53:44,724
[ cheers and applause ]

1476
00:54:18,786 --> 00:54:19,619
Hey, mike underball.

1477
00:54:19,687 --> 00:54:21,120
I'm the director.

1478
00:54:21,188 --> 00:54:23,122
>> really nice to meet you, mr.

1479
00:54:23,190 --> 00:54:23,523
Underball.

1480
00:54:23,591 --> 00:54:24,891
>> mr. Underball was my dad.

1481
00:54:24,959 --> 00:54:26,025
Call me mike.

1482
00:54:26,093 --> 00:54:27,527
So glad you're doing this

1483
00:54:27,595 --> 00:54:28,361
Benefit show.

1484
00:54:28,429 --> 00:54:29,929
Broadway cares is an amazing

1485
00:54:29,997 --> 00:54:30,263
Cause.

1486
00:54:30,331 --> 00:54:31,064
>> I'm happy to help.

1487
00:54:31,131 --> 00:54:32,699
>> you know how it works.

1488
00:54:32,766 --> 00:54:34,367
Everyone's performing their

1489
00:54:34,435 --> 00:54:38,104
Favorite songs from a broadway

1490
00:54:38,172 --> 00:54:38,471
Musical.

1491
00:54:38,539 --> 00:54:42,875
You're doing "willkommen"?

1492
00:54:42,943 --> 00:54:44,344
>> the emcee.

1493
00:54:44,411 --> 00:54:45,612
I do have one question.

1494
00:54:45,679 --> 00:54:47,146
Is it possible for me to do it

1495
00:54:47,214 --> 00:54:48,014
In the spotlight?

1496
00:54:48,082 --> 00:54:49,682
>> jeff, we're going to need a

1497
00:54:49,750 --> 00:54:50,550
Spotlight on this one.

1498
00:54:50,618 --> 00:54:51,184
Is that okay?

1499
00:54:51,252 --> 00:54:53,286
>> you really want my opinion?

1500
00:54:53,354 --> 00:55:00,927
>> let's just do it, buddy.

1501
00:55:00,995 --> 00:55:01,227
Okay.

1502
00:55:01,295 --> 00:55:01,628
Here we go.

1503
00:55:01,695 --> 00:55:06,799
Music!

1504
00:55:06,867 --> 00:55:10,270
♪ willkommen ♪

1505
00:55:10,337 --> 00:55:17,243
♪ bienvenu ♪

1506
00:55:17,311 --> 00:55:18,011
♪ stranger ♪

1507
00:55:18,078 --> 00:55:20,513
>> can we stop for a second?

1508
00:55:20,581 --> 00:55:22,282
>> jeff, you've got to follow

1509
00:55:22,349 --> 00:55:22,548
Him.

1510
00:55:22,616 --> 00:55:24,017
>> sorry about that.

1511
00:55:24,084 --> 00:55:25,118
My mind must be elsewhere.

1512
00:55:25,185 --> 00:55:28,655
I saw "tangled" again this week.

1513
00:55:28,722 --> 00:55:30,556
I'm still thinking through it.

1514
00:55:30,624 --> 00:55:32,258
Seems like an animated

1515
00:55:32,326 --> 00:55:32,659
Inception.

1516
00:55:32,726 --> 00:55:33,593
>> no problem, jeff.

1517
00:55:33,661 --> 00:55:35,395
You're the best.

1518
00:55:35,462 --> 00:55:36,896
>> when I move from my first

1519
00:55:36,964 --> 00:55:37,964
Position, just follow me.

1520
00:55:38,032 --> 00:55:38,698
Otherwise people won't be able

1521
00:55:38,766 --> 00:55:41,834
To see me.

1522
00:55:41,902 --> 00:55:43,836
>> oh, is that how light works?

1523
00:55:43,904 --> 00:55:45,505
>> yes.

1524
00:55:45,572 --> 00:55:46,906
>> no, mike, this is great.

1525
00:55:46,974 --> 00:55:47,874
I love this.

1526
00:55:47,941 --> 00:55:48,675
This is great.

1527
00:55:48,742 --> 00:55:49,442
Thomas edison is telling us how

1528
00:55:49,510 --> 00:55:52,812
Light works.

1529
00:55:52,880 --> 00:55:54,981
>> just follow him with the

1530
00:55:55,049 --> 00:55:55,281
Spot.

1531
00:55:55,349 --> 00:55:56,883
>> you're the boss.

1532
00:55:56,950 --> 00:55:58,384
>> I didn't upset him, did I?

1533
00:55:58,452 --> 00:55:58,818
>> he's fine.

1534
00:55:58,886 --> 00:56:09,228
From the top.

1535
00:56:09,296 --> 00:56:09,796
♪ willkommen ♪

1536
00:56:09,863 --> 00:56:10,663
♪ bienvenue

1537
00:56:10,731 --> 00:56:11,531
Welcome

1538
00:56:11,598 --> 00:56:12,398
Fremde

1539
00:56:12,466 --> 00:56:12,965
Etranger ♪

1540
00:56:13,033 --> 00:56:14,100
♪ stranger ♪

1541
00:56:14,168 --> 00:56:17,437
[ muttering ]

1542
00:56:17,504 --> 00:56:20,073
>> I'm sorry, stop.

1543
00:56:20,140 --> 00:56:20,773
Could we stop, stop, please,

1544
00:56:20,841 --> 00:56:21,808
Please.

1545
00:56:21,875 --> 00:56:22,642
>> what's going on, paul?

1546
00:56:22,710 --> 00:56:23,309
>> he's moving the spot all

1547
00:56:23,377 --> 00:56:23,643
Around.

1548
00:56:23,711 --> 00:56:24,143
It's ridiculous.

1549
00:56:24,211 --> 00:56:24,844
>> hey mike, you know what's

1550
00:56:24,912 --> 00:56:26,045
Ridiculous?

1551
00:56:26,113 --> 00:56:26,813
Paul rudd playing the emcee from

1552
00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:27,480
"cabaret."

1553
00:56:27,548 --> 00:56:30,450
>> yeah!

1554
00:56:30,517 --> 00:56:30,917
>> I'm serious.

1555
00:56:30,984 --> 00:56:32,051
I thought emcee

1556
00:56:32,119 --> 00:56:32,752
Stood for master of ceremony,

1557
00:56:32,820 --> 00:56:33,286
Not mediocre caca.

1558
00:56:33,354 --> 00:56:34,020
>> caca is with a "k," jeff.

1559
00:56:34,088 --> 00:56:34,887
>> no, no.

1560
00:56:34,955 --> 00:56:35,555
Caca is spelled with an "r."

1561
00:56:35,622 --> 00:56:43,129
R-u-d-d.

1562
00:56:43,197 --> 00:56:44,263
>> that's funny.

1563
00:56:44,331 --> 00:56:45,131
That's your last name.

1564
00:56:45,199 --> 00:56:51,304
I know.

1565
00:56:51,372 --> 00:56:52,705
>> you're going to run into joel

1566
00:56:52,773 --> 00:56:54,207
Gray at the gym and he's going

1567
00:56:54,274 --> 00:56:56,109
To hop up on a box and punch you

1568
00:56:56,176 --> 00:56:57,543
In the nuts.

1569
00:56:57,611 --> 00:56:59,445
>> yes!

1570
00:56:59,513 --> 00:57:00,880
If you're going to go there,

1571
00:57:00,948 --> 00:57:01,981
Please keep it out of the

1572
00:57:02,049 --> 00:57:02,315
Gutter.

1573
00:57:02,383 --> 00:57:03,783
>> if you're going to go there?

1574
00:57:03,851 --> 00:57:05,017
>> be the change you want to see

1575
00:57:05,085 --> 00:57:05,718
In the world.

1576
00:57:05,786 --> 00:57:06,552
>> think gandhi.

1577
00:57:06,620 --> 00:57:12,291
>> you got it, buddy.

1578
00:57:12,359 --> 00:57:17,497
I'll humor him.

1579
00:57:17,564 --> 00:57:18,030
Nice catch.

1580
00:57:18,098 --> 00:57:18,631
You're right, I slipped.

1581
00:57:18,699 --> 00:57:19,198
>> all right.

1582
00:57:19,266 --> 00:57:19,766
Here, you know what?

1583
00:57:19,833 --> 00:57:20,400
I'm going to make it easy.

1584
00:57:20,467 --> 00:57:21,000
I'm not going to move.

1585
00:57:21,068 --> 00:57:22,335
I'm going to stay put.

1586
00:57:22,403 --> 00:57:23,102
>> yeah, you should have stayed

1587
00:57:23,170 --> 00:57:23,436
At home.

1588
00:57:23,504 --> 00:57:23,836
[ laughter ]

1589
00:57:23,904 --> 00:57:24,604
>> music.

1590
00:57:24,671 --> 00:57:25,438
♪

1591
00:57:25,506 --> 00:57:26,005
♪ willkommen

1592
00:57:26,073 --> 00:57:26,572
Bienvenue

1593
00:57:26,640 --> 00:57:27,440
Welcome

1594
00:57:27,508 --> 00:57:29,409
Fremde ♪

1595
00:57:29,476 --> 00:57:31,711
♪ etranger stranger ♪

1596
00:57:31,779 --> 00:57:33,413
Oh, come on.

1597
00:57:33,480 --> 00:57:37,683
Look at this.

1598
00:57:37,751 --> 00:57:38,584
>> jeff, what are we thinking

1599
00:57:38,652 --> 00:57:42,355
Here?

1600
00:57:42,423 --> 00:57:43,856
>> you know,

1601
00:57:43,924 --> 00:57:44,724
I thought I'd draw attention to

1602
00:57:44,792 --> 00:57:45,425
The guy's crotch because he's

1603
00:57:45,492 --> 00:57:47,293
Singing like such a big pussy.

1604
00:57:47,361 --> 00:57:49,429
>> yeah.

1605
00:57:49,496 --> 00:57:50,596
>> I'm out of here.

1606
00:57:50,664 --> 00:57:52,465
>> now what are we going to do?

1607
00:57:52,533 --> 00:57:53,132
>> I'll show you what we're

1608
00:57:53,200 --> 00:57:54,467
Going to do.

1609
00:57:54,535 --> 00:57:59,305
Hit me with that spotlight!

1610
00:57:59,373 --> 00:58:00,173
♪

1611
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:00,740
♪ willkommen

1612
00:58:00,808 --> 00:58:02,442
Bienvenue

1613
00:58:02,509 --> 00:58:04,710
Welcome

1614
00:58:04,778 --> 00:58:09,482
Fremde ♪

1615
00:58:21,679 --> 00:58:23,947
>>> once again, paul mccartney.

1616
00:58:24,014 --> 00:58:28,217
[ cheers and applause ]

1617
00:58:28,218 --> 00:58:28,284
[ cheers and applause ]

1618
00:58:29,453 --> 00:58:40,463
♪

1619
00:58:40,531 --> 00:58:43,032
[ cheers and applause ]

1620
00:58:43,100 --> 00:58:44,167
♪ I read the news today

1621
00:58:44,234 --> 00:58:49,005
Oh, boy

1622
00:58:49,073 --> 00:58:51,007
About a lucky man

1623
00:58:51,075 --> 00:58:54,410
Who made the grade ♪

1624
00:58:54,478 --> 00:58:56,112
♪ and though the news

1625
00:58:56,180 --> 00:59:01,217
Was rather sad

1626
00:59:01,285 --> 00:59:07,490
Well I just had to laugh

1627
00:59:07,558 --> 00:59:14,030
I saw the photograph ♪

1628
00:59:14,098 --> 00:59:14,864
♪ he blew his mind out

1629
00:59:14,932 --> 00:59:19,769
In a car

1630
00:59:19,770 --> 00:59:22,071
He didn't notice that

1631
00:59:22,072 --> 00:59:25,475
The lights had changed ♪

1632
00:59:25,476 --> 00:59:27,110
♪ a crowd of people

1633
00:59:27,177 --> 00:59:32,248
Stood and stared

1634
00:59:32,316 --> 00:59:34,517
They'd seen his face before

1635
00:59:34,585 --> 00:59:35,351
Nobody was really sure ♪

1636
00:59:35,419 --> 00:59:36,486
♪ if he was from

1637
00:59:36,553 --> 00:59:41,357
The house of lords

1638
00:59:41,425 --> 00:59:43,026
I saw a film today

1639
00:59:43,093 --> 00:59:47,330
Oh, boy ♪

1640
00:59:47,398 --> 00:59:50,733
♪ the english army

1641
00:59:50,801 --> 00:59:55,004
Had just won the war

1642
00:59:55,072 --> 00:59:59,842
A crowd of people turned away

1643
00:59:59,910 --> 01:00:04,080
But I just had to look ♪

1644
01:00:04,148 --> 01:00:09,485
♪ having read the book

1645
01:00:09,553 --> 01:00:15,191
I'd love to turn you

1646
01:00:15,259 --> 01:00:21,230
On ♪

1647
01:00:23,500 --> 01:00:39,849
♪

1648
01:00:43,721 --> 01:00:49,592
♪

1649
01:00:49,660 --> 01:00:52,729
♪ woke up, fell out of bed

1650
01:00:52,796 --> 01:00:56,132
Dragged a comb across my head

1651
01:00:56,200 --> 01:00:57,567
Found my way downstairs

1652
01:00:57,634 --> 01:00:59,001
And drank a cup ♪

1653
01:00:59,069 --> 01:01:00,703
♪ and looking up

1654
01:01:00,771 --> 01:01:04,107
I noticed I was late

1655
01:01:04,174 --> 01:01:04,974
Found my coat

1656
01:01:05,042 --> 01:01:07,810
And grabbed my hat ♪

1657
01:01:07,878 --> 01:01:11,214
♪ made the bus in seconds flat

1658
01:01:11,281 --> 01:01:12,648
Found my way upstairs

1659
01:01:12,716 --> 01:01:14,083
And had a smoke

1660
01:01:14,151 --> 01:01:16,052
And somebody spoke ♪

1661
01:01:16,120 --> 01:01:19,188
♪ and I went into a dream ♪

1662
01:01:20,124 --> 01:01:36,472
♪

1663
01:01:38,308 --> 01:01:50,453
♪

1664
01:01:50,521 --> 01:01:54,524
♪ all we are saying

1665
01:01:54,525 --> 01:02:02,198
Is give peace a chance

1666
01:02:02,199 --> 01:02:06,402
All we are saying

1667
01:02:06,470 --> 01:02:09,305
Is give peace a chance ♪

1668
01:02:09,306 --> 01:02:10,373
♪ everybody's talking

1669
01:02:10,440 --> 01:02:14,443
About it ♪

1670
01:02:14,444 --> 01:02:19,282
♪ all we are saying

1671
01:02:19,283 --> 01:02:24,954
Is give peace a chance

1672
01:02:24,955 --> 01:02:30,893
All we are saying

1673
01:02:30,961 --> 01:02:36,833
Is give peace a chance ♪

1674
01:02:36,900 --> 01:02:42,605
♪ all we are saying

1675
01:02:42,606 --> 01:02:50,046
Is give peace a chance

1676
01:02:50,047 --> 01:02:50,780
♪ everybody sing it ♪

1677
01:02:50,848 --> 01:02:54,183
All we are saying

1678
01:02:54,251 --> 01:03:01,023
Is give peace a chance ♪

1679
01:03:01,024 --> 01:03:03,292
♪give peace a chance

1680
01:03:03,360 --> 01:03:04,193
♪ all over the world ♪

1681
01:03:04,261 --> 01:03:06,762
♪ all we are saying

1682
01:03:06,830 --> 01:03:15,004
Is give peace a chance

1683
01:03:15,072 --> 01:03:20,743
All we are saying

1684
01:03:20,744 --> 01:03:28,117
Is give peace a chance ♪

1685
01:03:28,118 --> 01:03:28,951
♪ give peace give peace

1686
01:03:29,019 --> 01:03:32,655
♪ all we are saying

1687
01:03:32,723 --> 01:03:37,193
Is give peace a chance ♪

1688
01:03:37,261 --> 01:03:40,630
[ cheers and applause ]

1689
01:04:07,283 --> 01:04:08,851
>>> well, this won't be topped.

1690
01:04:08,918 --> 01:04:09,651
Thank you so much.

1691
01:04:09,719 --> 01:04:12,054
Thank you very much to the cast,

1692
01:04:12,122 --> 01:04:14,423
The crew and paul mccartney.

1693
01:04:14,491 --> 01:04:19,461
[ cheers and applause ]

1694
01:04:19,529 --> 01:04:19,995
>> one more?

1695
01:04:20,063 --> 01:04:26,535
One more?

1696
01:04:26,603 --> 01:04:32,307
[ cheers and applause ]

1697
01:04:32,709 --> 01:04:48,057
♪

1698
01:04:50,427 --> 01:04:53,729
♪

1699
01:04:53,797 --> 01:04:54,830
♪ get back ♪

1700
01:04:54,898 --> 01:04:56,765
♪ get back ♪

1701
01:04:56,833 --> 01:05:01,670
♪ get back to where you once

1702
01:05:01,738 --> 01:05:02,171
Belonged ♪

1703
01:05:02,238 --> 01:05:02,704
♪ get back ♪

1704
01:05:02,772 --> 01:05:05,274
♪ get back ♪

1705
01:05:05,341 --> 01:05:06,108
♪ get back to where you once

1706
01:05:06,176 --> 01:05:07,743
Belonged ♪

1707
01:05:07,811 --> 01:05:15,050
♪ get back ♪

1708
01:05:19,489 --> 01:05:24,259
-- <font color="#ffff00">Captions by vitac</font> --
<font color="#00ffff">www.Vitac.Com</font>

1709
01:05:24,327 --> 01:05:27,196
Captions paid for by
nbc-universal television

1710
01:05:30,467 --> 01:05:30,966
♪ get back ♪

1711
01:05:31,034 --> 01:05:31,533
♪ get back ♪

1712
01:05:31,601 --> 01:05:33,368
♪ get back to where you once

1713
01:05:33,436 --> 01:05:34,002
Belonged ♪

1714
01:05:34,070 --> 01:05:34,736
♪ get back ♪

1715
01:05:34,804 --> 01:05:35,337
♪ get back ♪

1716
01:05:35,405 --> 01:05:36,472
♪ get back to where you once

1717
01:05:36,539 --> 01:05:40,609
Belonged ♪

1718
01:05:40,610 --> 01:05:43,212
Belonged ♪
♪ oh get back ♪

1719
01:06:11,207 --> 01:06:12,508
♪ get back ♪