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Remember the news

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The democrats.

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But with the new year come new

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Hope.

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And I bet if you went around

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This nation tonight, you'd find

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A lot of tho democrats

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Dreaming about better headlines

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In 2011.

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Oh, indeed, I bet you would.

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♪

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♪ I concede ♪

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♪ you'll never be real to me ♪

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♪ but I can dream can't I ♪

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♪ can't I pretend ♪

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♪ for dreams are

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Just like wine

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And I am drunk with mine

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I'm aware ♪

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♪ my heart is a sad affair

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There's much

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Disillusion there ♪

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♪ but I can dream, can't I can't

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I adore you

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♪ though we are oceans apart ♪

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♪ I can't make you open your

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Heart ♪

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♪ but I can dream can't I ♪

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♪

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♪ I can dream, can't I ♪

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>> and me?

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Well, I guess my only wish would

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Be for congress to pass some

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Comprehensive climate change

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Legislation before my ass melts.

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Have a holly jolly christmas,

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And live from new york, it's

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Saturday night!

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[ cheers and applause ]

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♪

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>> announcer: It's "Saturday

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Night live"!

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With fred armisen

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Abby elliott

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Bill hader

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Seth meyers

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Bobby moynihan

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Andy samberg

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Jason sudeikis

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Kenan thompson

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Kristen wiig

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Featuring --

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Vanessa bayer

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Paul brittain

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Taran killam

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Nasim pedrad

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Jay pharoah

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Musical guest --

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Enimem and lil' wayne, and your

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Host --

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Jeff bridges.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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Jeff bridges!

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Captions paid for by
nbc-universal television

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-- <font color="#ffff00">Captions by vitac</font> --
<font color="#00ffff">www.Vitac.Com</font>

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>>> thank you very much!

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It's great to be here.

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You know, the last time that I

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Hosted this show was in 1983.

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Do you believe that?

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Yeah.

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I guess I did a pretty good job

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Considering how fast they had me

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Back.

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[ laughter ]

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Mostly I've been making movies

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For the last 27 years.

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[ cheers and applause ]

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I've been blessed to

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Play a lot of amazing roles in

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Some great, great films.

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But of all those roles, the one

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I get recognized for the most is

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The dude.

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[ cheers and applause ]

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But I have to say, it's kind of

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A bummer, man,

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Because, you know, well, that's

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Not me, right?

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Because the dude, he's a

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Character, right?

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And I'm -- well, you know, I'm

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Jeff bridges, a real person.

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The dude, he has

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Trouble, you know, expressing

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Himself.

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[ light laughter ]

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And I -- well, I don't.

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[ light laughter ]

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So yeah, you know.

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But I'm back.

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I'm excited.

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And even more excited that it's

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Christmas.

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And, you know, christmas, hey,

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Come on.

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It's all about giving.

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It's about friends, right?

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[ cheers and applause ]

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And I've got a really good

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Friend who always wanted to be

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On this show.

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And I thought it would be nice

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If we made his christmas wish

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Come true.

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So come on out, buddy.

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Come on.

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>> dom de dom dom.

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>> hey, what's up, the dude?

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>> come on.

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I'm not the dude.

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>> me joking.

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Me joking.

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>> he's always

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Busting my chops.

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>> aw.

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>> hey, cook.

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>> yeah?

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>> you want to do a tune?

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>> oh, me would love that.

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Okay.

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[ cheers and applause ]

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♪

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♪ city sidewalks

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Busy sidewalks

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Dressed in holiday style ♪

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>> yeah!

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♪ in the air there's

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A feeling of christmas ♪

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>> very nice.

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♪ children laughing

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People passing

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Meeting smile after smile ♪

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♪ and on every street

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Corner you hear ♪

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♪ silver bells

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Silver bells

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Silver bells

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Silver bells ♪

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♪ it's christmastime

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In the city ♪

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>> yeah!

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♪ ring-a-ling

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Ring-a-ling

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Hear them ring

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Hear them ring ♪

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♪ soon it will be

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Christmas day ♪

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>> so cook --

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>> yeah?

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>> what do you want for

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Christmas, man?

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>> an ipad.

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Really.

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Me no kidding.

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For cookie!

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[ cheers and applause ]

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♪ dreams of streetlights ♪

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♪ see them stoplights ♪

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Blink bright red and green ♪

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♪ as the shoppers run home with

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Their treasures ♪

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♪ big "c" and above all the

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Bustle you hear ♪

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♪ silver bells ♪

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♪ blink blink blink ♪

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♪

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Boing boink boink ♪

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♪ it's christmastime in the

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City ♪

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♪ ring-a-ling ♪

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♪ ring ring ring ring ♪

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♪ hear them ring ♪

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♪ soon it will be christmas

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Day ♪

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♪ silver bells ♪

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♪ silver bells ♪

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♪ silver bells ♪

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♪ silver bells ♪

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♪ soon it will be christmas

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Day ♪

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>> hey, cook.

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I've got a present for you at my

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House.

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>> oh,

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Boy,

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Oh, boy, oh, boy.

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>> not only half, but a whole

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Cookie!

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>> twice as good!

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Cookie!

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Nom, nom, nom, nom.

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Nom, nom, nom.

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>>we've got a great show for you

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Tonight.

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>> yeah.

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>> eminem and lil' wayne are

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Here.

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>> stick around.

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We'll be right back!

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>>> and now a message from mark

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Zuckerberg.

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>> hello.

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I'm mark zuckerberg.

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On Tuesday afternoon I was named

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"time" magazine's person of the

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Year.

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While this is a great honor for

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Me, I could not have

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Accomplished it without the half

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A billion users who make up

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Facebook's social network.

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>> hello again.

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It's me, julian assange.

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You may have heard I was

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Released from a british prison

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On bail Thursday.

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Tonight I would like to take a

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Moment to congratulate "time"

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Magazine on its selection of

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Mark zukckerberg as person of te

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Year.

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"time" magazine, always on the

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Cutting edge, discovering

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Facebook only weeks after your

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Grandmother.

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Let's take a look at

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The differences between mark

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Zuckerberg and I.

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I give you private information

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On corporations for free and I'm

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A villain.

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Mark zuckerberg gives your

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Private information to

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Corporations for money, and he's

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Man of the year.

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Yeah.

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Thanks to wikileaks, you can see

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How corporate governments

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Operate in the shadows and then

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Lie to those who elect them.

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Thanks to facebook, you can

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Finally figure out which "sex &

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The city" character you are.

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I'm a samantha, but if the

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Swedish police ask, I'm a

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Charlotte.

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Ooh.

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In order to make a movie about

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Mark zuckerberg interesting,

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They had to make stuff up.

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In order to make a movie about

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Me, just rate it "r."

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You'll have to

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Leave stuff out.

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Ooh.

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Perhaps in the end "time" chose

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Mark zuckerberg because he was

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The more dynamic choice.

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Let's check back in with him.

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>> and I think we can all agree

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That's an algorithm for fun.

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[ laughter and applause ]

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>> in conclusion, a final

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Reminder that no matter how I

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Die, even if there's a video of

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Me peacefully dying of natural

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Causes, it was murder.

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And here's a status update --

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Democracy is dead.

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Happy holidays!

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[ cheers and applause ]

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>>> hey y'all, it's "the miley

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Cyrus show" with me, miley

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Cyrus.

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♪ I've got guests

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And a show ♪

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♪ and I'm ready

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To go ♪

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♪ so I guess

295
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,835
That's pretty cool ♪

296
00:13:02,902 --> 00:13:09,408
♪ it's pretty cool ♪

297
00:13:09,409 --> 00:13:10,476
[ cheers and applause ]

298
00:13:10,477 --> 00:13:11,043
>> so it's miley, y'all.

299
00:13:11,111 --> 00:13:11,944
This is just like my show where

300
00:13:11,945 --> 00:13:14,480
I like talk to people who are

301
00:13:14,481 --> 00:13:15,080
Pretty cool and, like, talk

302
00:13:15,148 --> 00:13:15,814
About things I think are pretty

303
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:16,115
Cool.

304
00:13:16,182 --> 00:13:17,316
And yeah, it's pretty cool.

305
00:13:17,317 --> 00:13:17,983
And the miley cyrus band over

306
00:13:18,051 --> 00:13:18,717
Here.

307
00:13:18,718 --> 00:13:19,518
We've got my dad, billy ray

308
00:13:19,586 --> 00:13:23,555
Cyrus.

309
00:13:23,623 --> 00:13:25,291
[ cheers and applause ]

310
00:13:25,292 --> 00:13:25,557
>> hey.

311
00:13:25,625 --> 00:13:27,660
Miley, you're a christmas

312
00:13:27,661 --> 00:13:28,560
Miracle, baby.

313
00:13:28,561 --> 00:13:29,428
>> thanks, dad.

314
00:13:29,429 --> 00:13:31,163
Okay.

315
00:13:31,164 --> 00:13:32,264
So today for my comedy monologue

316
00:13:32,265 --> 00:13:33,999
I thought we'd do this real

317
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,701
Funny segment where we take

318
00:13:35,702 --> 00:13:38,737
Pictures of two celebrities and

319
00:13:38,805 --> 00:13:40,139
We put them together and see

320
00:13:40,206 --> 00:13:41,707
What it would look like if those

321
00:13:41,775 --> 00:13:45,911
Celebrities had a baby.

322
00:13:45,979 --> 00:13:50,516
We call it what if we took two

323
00:13:50,583 --> 00:13:52,184
Celebrities and put them

324
00:13:52,252 --> 00:13:54,353
Together and then what would it

325
00:13:54,421 --> 00:13:56,388
Look like if they had a baby?

326
00:13:56,456 --> 00:13:57,156
What would it look like if tom

327
00:13:57,223 --> 00:13:57,856
Cruise had a baby with katie

328
00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:58,357
Holmes?

329
00:13:58,425 --> 00:13:59,058
I bet it would look something

330
00:13:59,125 --> 00:13:59,758
Like this.

331
00:13:59,826 --> 00:14:02,795
[ laughter ]

332
00:14:02,862 --> 00:14:06,498
So that's pretty cool.

333
00:14:06,566 --> 00:14:09,902
>> that's hilarious.

334
00:14:09,969 --> 00:14:13,038
You're like a pretty little

335
00:14:13,106 --> 00:14:16,375
Carlos mencia.

336
00:14:16,443 --> 00:14:17,209
>> so, as you may have heard in

337
00:14:17,277 --> 00:14:17,943
The news, I recently had a very

338
00:14:18,011 --> 00:14:18,577
Serious five-minute drug

339
00:14:18,645 --> 00:14:20,946
Problem.

340
00:14:21,014 --> 00:14:23,782
My friend videotaped me smoking

341
00:14:23,850 --> 00:14:27,720
A legal drug called salvia.

342
00:14:27,787 --> 00:14:31,857
And the video ended up on tmz.

343
00:14:31,925 --> 00:14:34,593
I'd like to introduce you to a

344
00:14:34,661 --> 00:14:35,594
Segment called here's what

345
00:14:35,662 --> 00:14:37,429
Happened when I took drugs.

346
00:14:37,497 --> 00:14:39,331
I got really high, like really

347
00:14:39,399 --> 00:14:39,631
High.

348
00:14:39,699 --> 00:14:40,466
It was crazy, y'all.

349
00:14:40,533 --> 00:14:42,634
I started hallucinating and I

350
00:14:42,702 --> 00:14:44,536
Thought my body was made of

351
00:14:44,604 --> 00:14:45,938
Dominos and then all the dominos

352
00:14:46,005 --> 00:14:46,872
Started falling down.

353
00:14:46,940 --> 00:14:48,107
And I was, like, hey, where's my

354
00:14:48,174 --> 00:14:52,745
Body?

355
00:14:52,812 --> 00:14:53,545
It was pretty weird but also

356
00:14:53,613 --> 00:14:55,347
Pretty cool.

357
00:14:55,415 --> 00:14:57,149
So I guess the moral of the

358
00:14:57,217 --> 00:14:59,084
Story is, don't let your friend

359
00:14:59,152 --> 00:14:59,852
Videotape you when you're doing

360
00:14:59,919 --> 00:15:01,587
Stuff.

361
00:15:01,654 --> 00:15:03,589
[ laughter ]

362
00:15:03,656 --> 00:15:05,491
>> miley, sweetie, you're my

363
00:15:05,558 --> 00:15:07,960
Role model.

364
00:15:08,027 --> 00:15:09,962
>> so my guest tonight is a

365
00:15:10,029 --> 00:15:12,297
Pretty cool actor who has also

366
00:15:12,365 --> 00:15:13,832
Been the subject of media

367
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:14,600
Controversy.

368
00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:17,136
Please give a give shello to

369
00:15:17,203 --> 00:15:22,074
Nick nolte.

370
00:15:22,142 --> 00:15:24,309
[ applause ]

371
00:15:24,377 --> 00:15:25,744
>> I'm pretty good.

372
00:15:25,812 --> 00:15:27,446
So nick nolte, I've been a fan

373
00:15:27,514 --> 00:15:28,914
Of yours since I saw "tropic

374
00:15:28,982 --> 00:15:32,284
Thunder" when I was a toddler.

375
00:15:32,352 --> 00:15:34,319
But you've also had a personal

376
00:15:34,387 --> 00:15:35,087
Scandal that was made public by

377
00:15:35,155 --> 00:15:35,988
The media.

378
00:15:36,055 --> 00:15:38,257
>> oh, sure.

379
00:15:38,324 --> 00:15:39,124
I walked down some dark paths,

380
00:15:39,192 --> 00:15:41,760
Wrestled some nasty demons.

381
00:15:41,828 --> 00:15:42,094
>> yeah.

382
00:15:42,162 --> 00:15:44,096
Me, too.

383
00:15:44,164 --> 00:15:44,897
So there is, like, something I

384
00:15:44,964 --> 00:15:47,533
Really want to ask you.

385
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,234
Like how did you recover from

386
00:15:49,302 --> 00:15:50,669
Your media scandal, and like how

387
00:15:50,737 --> 00:15:52,104
Did you get back into movies,

388
00:15:52,172 --> 00:15:55,641
And like what's your favorite

389
00:15:55,708 --> 00:15:57,843
Movie, and like is prison fun,

390
00:15:57,911 --> 00:15:59,178
And like who's your best friend

391
00:15:59,245 --> 00:16:00,579
From prison, and do you believe

392
00:16:00,647 --> 00:16:01,480
In santa, and are you 100 years

393
00:16:01,548 --> 00:16:03,916
Old?

394
00:16:03,983 --> 00:16:05,117
>> miley,

395
00:16:05,185 --> 00:16:06,819
Here's all I've got to say.

396
00:16:06,886 --> 00:16:07,686
If you're ever tempted to drink

397
00:16:07,754 --> 00:16:08,420
Or do drugs, just take a look at

398
00:16:08,488 --> 00:16:12,257
My mug shot.

399
00:16:12,325 --> 00:16:13,692
[ laughter ]

400
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:14,259
>> wow!

401
00:16:14,327 --> 00:16:15,661
Don't worry.

402
00:16:15,728 --> 00:16:16,495
I looked pretty crazy when I was

403
00:16:16,563 --> 00:16:16,962
On drugs, too.

404
00:16:17,030 --> 00:16:21,867
Let's show that photo.

405
00:16:21,935 --> 00:16:23,669
[ laughter ]

406
00:16:23,736 --> 00:16:24,269
Oh, my god, that is so

407
00:16:24,337 --> 00:16:26,371
Embarrassing.

408
00:16:26,439 --> 00:16:28,440
Anyway, nick.

409
00:16:28,508 --> 00:16:30,576
I wanted something positive to

410
00:16:30,643 --> 00:16:33,512
Come out of the kinds of

411
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:35,814
Experiences we both had.

412
00:16:35,882 --> 00:16:36,582
So I recently starred in a very

413
00:16:36,649 --> 00:16:39,852
Serious after-school special

414
00:16:39,919 --> 00:16:41,353
About the dangers of drug use.

415
00:16:41,421 --> 00:16:42,821
Do you want to see a clip?

416
00:16:42,889 --> 00:16:44,523
>> I'd love to.

417
00:16:44,591 --> 00:16:48,494
>> let's roll that clip.

418
00:16:48,561 --> 00:16:49,228
>> want to get high and smoke

419
00:16:49,295 --> 00:16:49,528
Drugs?

420
00:16:49,596 --> 00:16:50,262
It'll make you more popular with

421
00:16:50,330 --> 00:16:50,996
All the popular kids and stuff

422
00:16:51,064 --> 00:16:51,363
Like that.

423
00:16:51,431 --> 00:16:51,830
>> oh, my god.

424
00:16:51,898 --> 00:16:52,564
There is so much peer pressure

425
00:16:52,632 --> 00:16:52,865
On me.

426
00:16:52,932 --> 00:16:53,565
And like I want to be popular

427
00:16:53,633 --> 00:16:54,299
Really bad but I also want to

428
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:56,835
Think about my future.

429
00:16:56,903 --> 00:16:57,569
And say other drugs and whatnot.

430
00:16:57,637 --> 00:16:58,337
So I think what I'm going to say

431
00:16:58,404 --> 00:17:01,173
Is no way.

432
00:17:01,241 --> 00:17:01,874
>> nick nolte, what did you

433
00:17:01,941 --> 00:17:03,709
Think?

434
00:17:03,776 --> 00:17:04,376
>> I think it's pretty damn

435
00:17:04,444 --> 00:17:06,945
Great.

436
00:17:06,946 --> 00:17:09,414
>> that was so raw.

437
00:17:09,482 --> 00:17:11,683
>> dad.

438
00:17:11,751 --> 00:17:13,685
Well, that's our show.

439
00:17:13,753 --> 00:17:14,853
I thought it was pretty real but

440
00:17:14,921 --> 00:17:15,954
Also pretty cool.

441
00:17:16,022 --> 00:17:20,092
Say no to drugs y'all.

442
00:17:20,159 --> 00:17:23,529
Come on, band.

443
00:17:23,596 --> 00:17:27,833
♪ I got guests and a show ♪

444
00:17:27,901 --> 00:17:28,634
♪ and to drugs I'll say no ♪

445
00:17:28,701 --> 00:17:29,368
♪ so I guess that's pretty

446
00:17:29,435 --> 00:17:32,604
Cool ♪

447
00:17:32,672 --> 00:17:33,739
♪ it's pretty cool ♪

448
00:17:33,806 --> 00:17:35,741
[ cheers and applause ]

449
00:17:45,118 --> 00:17:45,767
♪ sometimes something

450
00:17:45,852 --> 00:17:46,552
Beautiful

451
00:17:46,603 --> 00:17:48,253
Happens in this world ♪

452
00:17:48,304 --> 00:17:48,804
♪ you don't know

453
00:17:48,888 --> 00:17:49,388
How to express

454
00:17:49,439 --> 00:17:50,806
Yourself ♪

455
00:17:50,890 --> 00:17:51,690
♪ so you've just

456
00:17:51,757 --> 00:17:52,774
Got to sing ♪

457
00:17:52,859 --> 00:17:56,778
♪ I just had sex ♪

458
00:17:56,863 --> 00:17:58,480
♪ and it felt so good ♪

459
00:17:58,565 --> 00:18:04,570
♪ felt so good ♪

460
00:18:04,637 --> 00:18:06,038
♪ I wanted to put my penis

461
00:18:06,105 --> 00:18:07,072
Inside of her ♪

462
00:18:07,123 --> 00:18:08,490
♪ I just had sex ♪

463
00:18:08,575 --> 00:18:14,463
♪ and I'll never go back ♪

464
00:18:14,547 --> 00:18:15,297
♪ have you ever had sex ♪

465
00:18:15,381 --> 00:18:17,883
♪ I have ♪

466
00:18:17,950 --> 00:18:19,001
♪ it felt great ♪

467
00:18:19,085 --> 00:18:20,168
♪ it felt so good

468
00:18:20,253 --> 00:18:21,003
When I did it

469
00:18:21,087 --> 00:18:22,454
With my penis ♪

470
00:18:22,505 --> 00:18:24,156
♪ a girl let me do it ♪

471
00:18:24,223 --> 00:18:25,257
♪ it literally just happened ♪

472
00:18:25,308 --> 00:18:27,826
♪ having sex can make

473
00:18:27,894 --> 00:18:29,845
A nice man the meanest ♪

474
00:18:29,929 --> 00:18:30,629
♪ now guess where I just came

475
00:18:30,697 --> 00:18:30,996
From ♪

476
00:18:31,064 --> 00:18:31,513
♪ I had sex ♪

477
00:18:31,598 --> 00:18:32,264
♪ if I had to describe the

478
00:18:32,315 --> 00:18:32,664
Feeling ♪

479
00:18:32,732 --> 00:18:33,515
♪ it was the best ♪

480
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:34,683
♪ when I had the sex ♪

481
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:35,800
♪ man my penis felt great ♪

482
00:18:35,852 --> 00:18:37,235
♪ and I called my

483
00:18:37,303 --> 00:18:38,103
Parents right

484
00:18:38,154 --> 00:18:39,771
After I was done ♪

485
00:18:39,839 --> 00:18:41,773
♪ oh hey

486
00:18:41,824 --> 00:18:42,324
Didn't see you there

487
00:18:42,408 --> 00:18:42,991
Guess what I just did ♪

488
00:18:43,076 --> 00:18:43,775
♪ had sex undressed ♪

489
00:18:43,826 --> 00:18:44,910
♪ saw her boobies and the rest ♪

490
00:18:44,977 --> 00:18:45,777
♪ well that was sure nice

491
00:18:45,828 --> 00:18:46,411
Of her to let you do that

492
00:18:46,479 --> 00:18:48,914
Thing ♪

493
00:18:48,981 --> 00:18:49,581
♪ nicest baby girl ever

494
00:18:49,649 --> 00:18:50,315
Now sing ♪

495
00:18:50,383 --> 00:18:53,452
♪ I just had sex ♪

496
00:18:53,503 --> 00:18:55,153
♪ and it felt so good ♪

497
00:18:55,204 --> 00:19:02,260
♪ felt so good ♪

498
00:19:02,328 --> 00:19:02,894
♪ I put my penis ♪

499
00:19:02,962 --> 00:19:03,495
♪ inside of her ♪

500
00:19:03,546 --> 00:19:04,096
♪ tell the world ♪

501
00:19:04,163 --> 00:19:04,680
♪ to be honest ♪

502
00:19:04,764 --> 00:19:05,347
♪ I'm surprised she even

503
00:19:05,431 --> 00:19:05,964
Wanted me to do it ♪

504
00:19:06,015 --> 00:19:06,765
♪ doesn't really make sense ♪

505
00:19:06,832 --> 00:19:08,216
♪ but man, screw it

506
00:19:08,301 --> 00:19:08,800
I don't want to argue

507
00:19:08,851 --> 00:19:09,635
With a good thing ♪

508
00:19:09,686 --> 00:19:10,535
♪ she could be my wife ♪

509
00:19:10,603 --> 00:19:11,637
♪ that good ♪

510
00:19:11,688 --> 00:19:12,354
♪ the best 30 seconds of my

511
00:19:12,438 --> 00:19:15,340
Life ♪

512
00:19:15,391 --> 00:19:16,174
♪ to let me do it

513
00:19:16,225 --> 00:19:17,342
'cause honestly I'd have

514
00:19:17,393 --> 00:19:18,176
Sex with a pile

515
00:19:18,227 --> 00:19:23,782
Of manure ♪

516
00:19:23,849 --> 00:19:25,033
♪ I like girls better

517
00:19:25,118 --> 00:19:25,734
♪ she let me wear my chain

518
00:19:25,818 --> 00:19:26,485
And my turtleneck sweater ♪

519
00:19:26,536 --> 00:19:32,407
♪ dedicated to them girls

520
00:19:32,492 --> 00:19:34,126
Near or far

521
00:19:34,193 --> 00:19:40,799
We want to take you all

522
00:19:40,867 --> 00:19:44,753
And thank you all for [ bleep ]

523
00:19:44,837 --> 00:19:46,805
You ♪

524
00:19:46,872 --> 00:19:47,506
♪ she kept looking at her

525
00:19:47,573 --> 00:19:47,923
Watch ♪

526
00:19:48,007 --> 00:19:48,507
♪ doesn't matter

527
00:19:48,574 --> 00:19:49,675
Have sex ♪

528
00:19:49,726 --> 00:19:50,509
♪ but I cried the whole time ♪

529
00:19:50,576 --> 00:19:51,059
♪ doesn't matter

530
00:19:51,144 --> 00:19:51,927
Had sex ♪

531
00:19:52,011 --> 00:19:52,778
♪ I think she might have been a

532
00:19:52,845 --> 00:19:53,912
Racist ♪

533
00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:54,763
♪ doesn't matter

534
00:19:54,847 --> 00:19:55,647
Had sex ♪

535
00:19:55,715 --> 00:19:56,398
♪ she put a bag on my head ♪

536
00:19:56,482 --> 00:19:57,065
♪ I just had sex ♪

537
00:19:57,150 --> 00:19:57,849
♪ and my dreams came true ♪

538
00:19:57,900 --> 00:19:58,517
♪ to have sex ♪

539
00:19:58,568 --> 00:19:59,184
♪ in the last 30 minutes

540
00:19:59,235 --> 00:19:59,901
And you want to --

541
00:19:59,986 --> 00:20:01,903
I just had sex ♪

542
00:20:01,988 --> 00:20:03,572
♪ and it felt so good ♪

543
00:20:03,656 --> 00:20:11,363
♪ we all had sex ♪

544
00:20:11,414 --> 00:20:12,280
♪ I put my small

545
00:20:12,365 --> 00:20:13,115
Penis inside of her ♪

546
00:20:13,199 --> 00:20:16,251
♪ I just had sex ♪

547
00:20:16,335 --> 00:20:19,538
♪ and it felt so good ♪

548
00:20:19,605 --> 00:20:22,407
♪ and I'll never go back ♪

549
00:20:22,458 --> 00:20:26,077
♪ it felt so great ♪

550
00:20:26,129 --> 00:20:28,079
♪

551
00:20:28,131 --> 00:20:30,382
[ cheers and applause ]

552
00:21:02,670 --> 00:21:03,436
>> welcome to "larry king live."

553
00:21:03,504 --> 00:21:04,103
If you're watching in hd, I

554
00:21:04,171 --> 00:21:04,570
Apologize.

555
00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:06,939
[ laughter ]

556
00:21:07,007 --> 00:21:08,875
As you know, we had a

557
00:21:08,942 --> 00:21:10,410
Star-studded final episode on

558
00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:12,211
Thursday with some of

559
00:21:12,279 --> 00:21:12,979
The biggest names in my rolodex,

560
00:21:13,047 --> 00:21:14,981
Like susan boyle and the judds

561
00:21:15,082 --> 00:21:18,818
And the elusive donald trump,

562
00:21:18,886 --> 00:21:20,620
I know that I said I was done,

563
00:21:20,688 --> 00:21:22,121
But I couldn't leave without

564
00:21:22,189 --> 00:21:23,189
Thanking some of the people that

565
00:21:23,257 --> 00:21:27,060
Have made this show so great.

566
00:21:27,127 --> 00:21:27,794
First up, the shiniest man in

567
00:21:27,861 --> 00:21:28,528
Show business, jermaine jackson.

568
00:21:28,595 --> 00:21:29,028
[ light laughter ]

569
00:21:29,096 --> 00:21:29,862
>> hello, my friends.

570
00:21:29,930 --> 00:21:31,030
>> you look like a new shoe.

571
00:21:31,098 --> 00:21:34,133
[ light laughter ]

572
00:21:34,201 --> 00:21:35,234
They were here on Tuesday and

573
00:21:35,302 --> 00:21:38,137
Now they're back, the judds.

574
00:21:38,205 --> 00:21:41,007
>> hi, larry.

575
00:21:41,075 --> 00:21:42,742
>> I had to have you back.

576
00:21:42,810 --> 00:21:44,744
We barely scratched the surface.

577
00:21:44,812 --> 00:21:46,446
Making his

578
00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:47,146
10,000th appearance, dog the

579
00:21:47,214 --> 00:21:48,448
Bounty hunter.

580
00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:50,683
[ light laughter ]

581
00:21:50,751 --> 00:21:51,951
>> good to be here, larry.

582
00:21:52,019 --> 00:21:53,186
>> you're the

583
00:21:53,253 --> 00:21:53,920
Smartest man I know, you chase

584
00:21:53,987 --> 00:21:54,654
Down criminals trying to avoid

585
00:21:54,722 --> 00:21:54,987
Capture.

586
00:21:55,055 --> 00:21:58,291
Have you thought about changing

587
00:21:58,358 --> 00:21:59,559
Your look to something less

588
00:21:59,626 --> 00:22:01,094
Recognizable?

589
00:22:01,161 --> 00:22:02,595
>> this is my look, larry.

590
00:22:02,663 --> 00:22:05,431
Very few people look like a

591
00:22:05,499 --> 00:22:05,998
Burnt hulk hogan.

592
00:22:06,066 --> 00:22:06,566
[ laughter ]

593
00:22:06,633 --> 00:22:07,133
>> it's beautiful.

594
00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:07,867
You have the niagara falls of

595
00:22:07,935 --> 00:22:10,536
Mullets.

596
00:22:10,604 --> 00:22:12,271
[ light laughter ]

597
00:22:12,339 --> 00:22:12,972
Now, jermaine jackson, we've

598
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:13,639
Spoken many times over the

599
00:22:13,707 --> 00:22:13,973
Years.

600
00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:14,707
Yet there's so much I know about

601
00:22:14,775 --> 00:22:15,108
You.

602
00:22:15,175 --> 00:22:16,242
Are you an only child?

603
00:22:16,310 --> 00:22:16,809
Do you have siblings?

604
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:19,078
[ laughter ]

605
00:22:19,146 --> 00:22:21,080
>> well, yes, I do, larry.

606
00:22:21,148 --> 00:22:22,215
I was one of the jackson 5.

607
00:22:22,282 --> 00:22:22,949
It's what most people know me

608
00:22:23,016 --> 00:22:26,285
For.

609
00:22:26,353 --> 00:22:27,420
>> I wonder how we've never

610
00:22:27,488 --> 00:22:28,521
Touched on that.

611
00:22:28,589 --> 00:22:29,388
>> well, we've come close but

612
00:22:29,456 --> 00:22:29,989
You normally gear the

613
00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:32,258
Conversation towards balloon boy

614
00:22:32,326 --> 00:22:33,092
Or lindsay lohan

615
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,928
Or anna nicole smith.

616
00:22:35,996 --> 00:22:37,797
>> oh, yeah, the mt. Rushmore of

617
00:22:37,865 --> 00:22:39,932
News stories.

618
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:40,666
The judds, there's always one

619
00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:41,400
Question I've wanted to ask you.

620
00:22:41,468 --> 00:22:42,135
Which one of you is the mother

621
00:22:42,202 --> 00:22:42,869
And which one is the daughter?

622
00:22:42,936 --> 00:22:44,203
>> I'm the mother.

623
00:22:44,271 --> 00:22:48,674
>> whoa!

624
00:22:48,742 --> 00:22:49,876
I just lost 10 bucks and I

625
00:22:49,943 --> 00:22:51,277
Suddenly feel weird.

626
00:22:51,345 --> 00:22:51,978
>> a lot of people make that

627
00:22:52,045 --> 00:22:52,311
Mistake.

628
00:22:52,379 --> 00:22:52,845
It's a bosom thing.

629
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,413
>> you two have had a long,

630
00:22:54,481 --> 00:22:58,117
Publicly drawn-out family drama.

631
00:22:58,185 --> 00:22:59,552
You're like the kennedys

632
00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:00,253
If they sold fireworks by the

633
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:01,888
Highway.

634
00:23:01,955 --> 00:23:03,556
>> thank you, larry.

635
00:23:03,624 --> 00:23:04,457
>> we love you, larry.

636
00:23:04,525 --> 00:23:05,258
>> thank you.

637
00:23:05,325 --> 00:23:06,993
>> larry, I think I speak for

638
00:23:07,060 --> 00:23:12,365
All of us when I say we'll miss

639
00:23:12,432 --> 00:23:12,765
You so much.

640
00:23:12,833 --> 00:23:13,533
So much.

641
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:14,967
>> dog, don't cry.

642
00:23:15,035 --> 00:23:18,371
>> no one else interviews me.

643
00:23:18,438 --> 00:23:22,141
>> it's very weird when you cry.

644
00:23:22,209 --> 00:23:22,842
It's very weird when you cry.

645
00:23:22,910 --> 00:23:25,044
You've done it before.

646
00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:29,649
>> you're my only friend.

647
00:23:29,716 --> 00:23:32,518
>> it's like a sasquatch who

648
00:23:32,586 --> 00:23:33,686
Found a dead bird and doesn't

649
00:23:33,754 --> 00:23:35,388
Understand.

650
00:23:35,455 --> 00:23:37,390
>> for the past 31 years.

651
00:23:37,457 --> 00:23:38,291
>> I forgive you, you lovable

652
00:23:38,358 --> 00:23:40,860
Monster.

653
00:23:40,928 --> 00:23:42,228
Now, jermaine, you look at the

654
00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:43,062
Judds here, a mother and a

655
00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:44,931
Daughter making music together.

656
00:23:44,998 --> 00:23:45,731
Do you ever wish your family was

657
00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:50,703
In show business?

658
00:23:50,771 --> 00:23:51,404
>> well, my whole family's in

659
00:23:51,471 --> 00:23:51,871
Show business.

660
00:23:51,939 --> 00:23:52,371
>> next question.

661
00:23:52,439 --> 00:23:53,206
Where were you when you got the

662
00:23:53,273 --> 00:23:53,973
Call that anna nicole smith was

663
00:23:54,041 --> 00:23:55,007
Dead?

664
00:23:55,075 --> 00:23:55,842
>> well, I was at home.

665
00:23:55,909 --> 00:23:57,844
And you called me.

666
00:23:57,911 --> 00:23:59,278
[ laughter ]

667
00:23:59,346 --> 00:24:02,114
>> that's right.

668
00:24:02,182 --> 00:24:04,383
>> larry, I hope you don't mind

669
00:24:04,451 --> 00:24:06,652
If I turn the tables, but what

670
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,354
Is the secret to doing a show

671
00:24:08,422 --> 00:24:09,088
Every single night for almost

672
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:11,791
30 years?

673
00:24:11,859 --> 00:24:14,026
>> I stick to a strict routine.

674
00:24:14,094 --> 00:24:18,030
Every day, I wake up an hour and

675
00:24:18,098 --> 00:24:18,764
A half after I tape my show.

676
00:24:18,832 --> 00:24:20,600
[ laughter ]

677
00:24:20,667 --> 00:24:24,170
I get five different newspapers

678
00:24:24,238 --> 00:24:25,304
And read them until I'm done

679
00:24:25,372 --> 00:24:26,439
With my farting.

680
00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:27,206
And then I'm ready to get out of

681
00:24:27,274 --> 00:24:29,008
Bed.

682
00:24:29,076 --> 00:24:29,709
Now, here's where things get

683
00:24:29,776 --> 00:24:30,409
Tricky.

684
00:24:30,477 --> 00:24:31,177
My pajamas look remarkably like

685
00:24:31,245 --> 00:24:33,946
My clothes.

686
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:37,550
So there's a lot of confusion.

687
00:24:37,618 --> 00:24:40,686
I go for my walk.

688
00:24:40,754 --> 00:24:41,420
I slaughter a ram as per my deal

689
00:24:41,488 --> 00:24:41,821
With god.

690
00:24:41,889 --> 00:24:42,388
[ light laughter ]

691
00:24:42,456 --> 00:24:42,989
And then I return calls.

692
00:24:43,056 --> 00:24:44,690
Around this time the sun starts

693
00:24:44,758 --> 00:24:45,524
To rise --

694
00:24:45,592 --> 00:24:46,292
I'm being told we're running out

695
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,261
Of time.

696
00:24:48,328 --> 00:24:51,530
Oh, no.

697
00:24:51,598 --> 00:24:52,298
Well, this has definitely been

698
00:24:52,366 --> 00:24:52,932
The best show of

699
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:53,499
My career.

700
00:24:53,567 --> 00:24:54,133
Thanks to all of you who

701
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:54,467
Watched.

702
00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:56,068
In two weeks, I'll be retired on

703
00:24:56,136 --> 00:24:56,769
A nude beach in trinidad.

704
00:24:56,837 --> 00:24:58,337
Spoiler alert.

705
00:24:58,405 --> 00:24:59,205
When I'm naked, I look like e.T.

706
00:24:59,273 --> 00:25:04,043
[ laughter ]

707
00:25:04,111 --> 00:25:05,177
Before we go out, tony bennett

708
00:25:05,245 --> 00:25:06,879
Sang to me on Thursday.

709
00:25:06,947 --> 00:25:07,747
I wanted to know if you would

710
00:25:07,814 --> 00:25:09,715
Sing to me tonight.

711
00:25:09,783 --> 00:25:11,784
>> well, sure, larry.

712
00:25:11,852 --> 00:25:13,286
>> we'd love to.

713
00:25:13,353 --> 00:25:13,886
>> not you.

714
00:25:13,954 --> 00:25:14,487
Dog the bounty hunter.

715
00:25:14,554 --> 00:25:15,888
>> I'd be honored, larry.

716
00:25:15,956 --> 00:25:18,991
♪

717
00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:20,126
♪ and now

718
00:25:20,193 --> 00:25:23,262
The end is near

719
00:25:23,330 --> 00:25:26,399
And so I face

720
00:25:26,466 --> 00:25:30,369
The final curtain ♪

721
00:25:30,437 --> 00:25:32,638
♪ my friend I'll say it clear

722
00:25:32,706 --> 00:25:33,506
I'll state my case ♪

723
00:25:33,573 --> 00:25:37,476
>> dog, don't cry.

724
00:25:37,544 --> 00:25:39,161
[ cheers and applause ]

725
00:25:43,984 --> 00:25:44,667
>>> under underground records is

726
00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:44,984
Back.

727
00:25:45,035 --> 00:25:46,002
>> what up, yo?

728
00:25:46,086 --> 00:25:47,453
I'm deejay super soak.

729
00:25:47,521 --> 00:25:49,121
>> and I'm little blaster, and

730
00:25:49,189 --> 00:25:50,539
In case you didn't notice, it's

731
00:25:50,624 --> 00:25:51,257
That crazy-ass time of year

732
00:25:51,325 --> 00:25:52,858
Again.

733
00:25:52,926 --> 00:25:55,127
>> both: Crunkmas.

734
00:25:55,195 --> 00:25:55,962
>> and we here at under

735
00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:57,096
Underground records say it's

736
00:25:57,164 --> 00:25:58,848
Time to ho-ho celebrate.

737
00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:00,516
>> announcing the first ever

738
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:07,523
Crunkmas carnival.

739
00:26:07,607 --> 00:26:08,674
>> there's gone that gonna be

740
00:26:08,725 --> 00:26:09,608
Tons of live,

741
00:26:09,609 --> 00:26:10,293
Underground rap and rock music,

742
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:10,726
Yo.

743
00:26:10,727 --> 00:26:11,344
>> you want christmas music?

744
00:26:11,411 --> 00:26:12,028
These bands will make santa

745
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:12,478
Puke.

746
00:26:12,479 --> 00:26:13,579
There's going to be dump,

747
00:26:13,580 --> 00:26:14,947
Homeless wedding, frog blast,

748
00:26:15,015 --> 00:26:29,528
Mary poopins, third eye blind,

749
00:26:29,579 --> 00:26:37,303
But snack, boyzii and scrotum

750
00:26:37,371 --> 00:26:38,004
Fire.

751
00:26:38,071 --> 00:26:38,571
>> oh, yeah.

752
00:26:38,638 --> 00:26:39,138
Scrotum fire!

753
00:26:39,206 --> 00:26:39,705
They're my ninjas.

754
00:26:39,773 --> 00:26:40,573
Always throwing burning

755
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,240
Scarecrows into the crowd.

756
00:26:41,308 --> 00:26:42,008
>> ha-ha!

757
00:26:42,059 --> 00:26:42,842
And you best not need medical

758
00:26:42,909 --> 00:26:43,409
Attention, yo.

759
00:26:43,477 --> 00:26:44,260
Because the first aid pit is --

760
00:26:44,344 --> 00:26:45,077
>> full of snakes!

761
00:26:45,178 --> 00:26:45,678
[ laughter ]

762
00:26:45,746 --> 00:26:46,545
>> once you're in you can't

763
00:26:46,613 --> 00:26:47,396
Leave because --

764
00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:48,080
>> all exits are padlocked!

765
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:48,898
>> luckily, you're locked in

766
00:26:48,899 --> 00:26:49,615
With some dope special guests,

767
00:26:49,683 --> 00:26:50,282
Like wrestler coco beware.

768
00:26:50,350 --> 00:26:50,933
>> comedian phil spector.

769
00:26:51,018 --> 00:26:51,767
>> the star of "spaceballs,"

770
00:26:51,768 --> 00:26:52,568
Pizza the hut.

771
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:53,352
>> and former "donkey kong"

772
00:26:53,403 --> 00:26:54,253
Champion billy mitchell

773
00:26:54,321 --> 00:26:55,021
Challenging you to a mayonnaise

774
00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:55,354
Fight.

775
00:26:55,405 --> 00:26:56,222
>> mayonnaise fight!

776
00:26:56,289 --> 00:26:57,656
>> and we're finally going to

777
00:26:57,724 --> 00:27:01,444
Give our deceased friend ass dan

778
00:27:01,528 --> 00:27:04,363
The wiggety wake he deserves.

779
00:27:04,431 --> 00:27:05,064
>> yeah, you know I'm still

780
00:27:05,115 --> 00:27:06,615
Alive, bitch!

781
00:27:06,700 --> 00:27:07,199
♪

782
00:27:07,250 --> 00:27:07,783
[ laughter ]

783
00:27:07,868 --> 00:27:08,617
>> it isn't all about fun, yo.

784
00:27:08,702 --> 00:27:10,336
>> no, we're going to bust some

785
00:27:10,403 --> 00:27:12,071
Charity on you ninjas.

786
00:27:12,122 --> 00:27:14,340
>> and here to tell you more is

787
00:27:14,407 --> 00:27:16,909
Mc george costanza.

788
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,046
>> yo, instead of toys for tots.

789
00:27:20,097 --> 00:27:21,564
We've got our own program.

790
00:27:21,631 --> 00:27:22,431
It's called whack ass junk for

791
00:27:22,499 --> 00:27:26,418
Immigrants.

792
00:27:26,470 --> 00:27:28,087
>> whack ass junk for

793
00:27:28,138 --> 00:27:29,155
Immigrants!

794
00:27:29,222 --> 00:27:29,722
[ laughter ]

795
00:27:29,773 --> 00:27:30,556
>> yeah.

796
00:27:30,624 --> 00:27:31,290
We're giving them the stuff kids

797
00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:31,724
Don't want.

798
00:27:31,775 --> 00:27:37,963
So, bring us your leaky

799
00:27:38,031 --> 00:27:38,664
Batteries, your broke-ass mix

800
00:27:38,732 --> 00:27:39,398
Tape, and expired tylenol, and

801
00:27:39,449 --> 00:27:40,032
We'll give you a free --

802
00:27:40,100 --> 00:27:40,699
>> -- punch in the stomach!

803
00:27:40,767 --> 00:27:41,100
[ laughter ]

804
00:27:41,151 --> 00:27:44,303
>> we've got mad special events,

805
00:27:44,304 --> 00:27:45,638
Like a dog tug-of-war.

806
00:27:45,705 --> 00:27:46,806
>> and a 2-d screening of "the

807
00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:47,640
Owls of ga'hoole."

808
00:27:47,707 --> 00:27:48,207
[ laughter ]

809
00:27:48,275 --> 00:27:50,509
>> don't miss a very special

810
00:27:50,577 --> 00:27:51,243
Panel how asian-americans can

811
00:27:51,311 --> 00:27:51,911
Break into entertainment.

812
00:27:51,978 --> 00:27:55,314
[ laughter ]

813
00:27:55,382 --> 00:27:56,082
>> and check it, we've reunited

814
00:27:56,149 --> 00:27:56,749
The entire cast of "growing

815
00:27:56,817 --> 00:27:57,116
Pains" yo.

816
00:27:57,184 --> 00:27:58,751
Except kirk cameron,

817
00:27:58,819 --> 00:27:59,452
Alan thicke, tracey gold, and

818
00:27:59,519 --> 00:28:02,721
Jeremy miller.

819
00:28:02,789 --> 00:28:03,322
>> we've got the mom!

820
00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:05,257
[ laughter ]

821
00:28:05,325 --> 00:28:05,975
>> and you know we've got loose

822
00:28:06,059 --> 00:28:06,692
Hawks flying all over this

823
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:06,976
Bitch!

824
00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:08,127
The crunkmas carnival takes

825
00:28:08,195 --> 00:28:09,512
Place February 13th through

826
00:28:09,596 --> 00:28:10,663
The 15th at where else?

827
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:12,098
The metrodome.

828
00:28:12,165 --> 00:28:12,965
>> the metrodome!

829
00:28:13,016 --> 00:28:15,234
[ laughter ]

830
00:28:15,302 --> 00:28:15,801
See you ninjas there!

831
00:28:15,869 --> 00:28:17,236
[ cheers and applause ]

832
00:28:42,295 --> 00:28:42,961
>>> ladies and gentlemen, eminem

833
00:28:43,029 --> 00:28:47,566
And lil' wayne!

834
00:28:47,634 --> 00:28:49,802
[ cheers and applause ]

835
00:28:50,703 --> 00:28:54,973
♪

836
00:28:55,041 --> 00:28:58,310
♪ don't hurt me ♪

837
00:28:58,378 --> 00:29:01,613
♪ don't hurt me no more ♪

838
00:29:01,681 --> 00:29:02,214
Throw dirt on me and

839
00:29:02,282 --> 00:29:03,015
Grow a wildflower

840
00:29:03,082 --> 00:29:04,183
But it's [ bleep ] the world ♪

841
00:29:04,250 --> 00:29:05,584
♪ get a child out her

842
00:29:05,652 --> 00:29:07,019
Yeah, my life a bitch

843
00:29:07,086 --> 00:29:07,586
But you know nothing

844
00:29:07,654 --> 00:29:13,559
About her ♪

845
00:29:13,626 --> 00:29:14,226
♪ been to hell and back

846
00:29:14,294 --> 00:29:14,827
I can show you vouchers

847
00:29:14,894 --> 00:29:15,861
I'm rolling sweets

848
00:29:15,929 --> 00:29:16,962
I'm smoking sour ♪

849
00:29:17,030 --> 00:29:19,231
♪ married to the game

850
00:29:19,299 --> 00:29:21,500
But she broke her vows

851
00:29:21,568 --> 00:29:22,668
That's why my bars are

852
00:29:22,735 --> 00:29:24,636
Full of broken bottles ♪

853
00:29:24,704 --> 00:29:26,638
♪ and my night stands are

854
00:29:26,706 --> 00:29:28,640
Full of open bibles

855
00:29:28,708 --> 00:29:29,741
I think about more

856
00:29:29,809 --> 00:29:31,476
Than I forget ♪

857
00:29:31,544 --> 00:29:33,445
♪ but I don't go around

858
00:29:33,513 --> 00:29:35,747
Fire expecting not to sweat

859
00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:36,615
And these fools know

860
00:29:36,683 --> 00:29:37,449
I lay 'em down ♪

861
00:29:37,517 --> 00:29:38,851
♪ make you beg

862
00:29:38,918 --> 00:29:39,985
And if they try to kick me

863
00:29:40,053 --> 00:29:41,153
While I'm down

864
00:29:41,221 --> 00:29:43,155
I'll break your leg ♪

865
00:29:43,223 --> 00:29:44,590
♪ money outweighing

866
00:29:44,657 --> 00:29:46,258
Problems on the triple beam

867
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:47,426
I'm sticking to the script

868
00:29:47,493 --> 00:29:48,260
I've seen them

869
00:29:48,328 --> 00:29:53,098
Skipping scenes ♪

870
00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:54,233
♪ be good or be good at it

871
00:29:54,300 --> 00:29:55,968
All right, I got my gun

872
00:29:56,035 --> 00:30:01,673
Semi-cartermatic

873
00:30:01,741 --> 00:30:03,609
Yeah

874
00:30:03,676 --> 00:30:05,878
It's [ bleep ] what they say

875
00:30:05,945 --> 00:30:07,613
Up and away, man ♪

876
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:09,047
♪ I come down in

877
00:30:09,115 --> 00:30:09,615
A couple of days

878
00:30:09,682 --> 00:30:10,449
Ok, you want me up in

879
00:30:10,516 --> 00:30:11,149
The cage then I'll come ♪

880
00:30:11,217 --> 00:30:11,884
♪ out in beast-mode

881
00:30:11,951 --> 00:30:12,484
I got this world stuck

882
00:30:12,552 --> 00:30:12,985
In the safe

883
00:30:13,052 --> 00:30:13,886
Combination is the g-code ♪

884
00:30:13,953 --> 00:30:16,421
♪ it's weezy [ bleep ]

885
00:30:16,489 --> 00:30:16,989
Blood gang and

886
00:30:17,056 --> 00:30:17,589
I'm in bleed mode

887
00:30:17,657 --> 00:30:18,190
All about my dough ♪

888
00:30:18,258 --> 00:30:18,757
♪ but I don't even

889
00:30:18,825 --> 00:30:19,558
Check the peephole

890
00:30:19,626 --> 00:30:21,593
So you can keep knocking ♪

891
00:30:21,661 --> 00:30:24,997
♪ but won't knock me down

892
00:30:25,064 --> 00:30:28,400
No love lost, no love found

893
00:30:28,468 --> 00:30:29,835
It's a little too late to

894
00:30:29,903 --> 00:30:30,702
Say that you're sorry now ♪

895
00:30:30,770 --> 00:30:31,303
♪ you kicked me when

896
00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:32,671
I was down

897
00:30:32,739 --> 00:30:33,538
[ bleep ] what you say

898
00:30:33,606 --> 00:30:34,940
Just don't hurt me ♪

899
00:30:35,008 --> 00:30:36,375
♪ it don't hurt me

900
00:30:36,442 --> 00:30:37,476
And I don't need you no more

901
00:30:37,543 --> 00:30:38,377
Don't want to see you

902
00:30:38,444 --> 00:30:40,646
No more ♪

903
00:30:40,713 --> 00:30:41,480
And you get no love

904
00:30:41,547 --> 00:30:42,314
You showed me ♪

905
00:30:42,382 --> 00:30:43,782
♪ nothing but hate

906
00:30:43,850 --> 00:30:45,450
You ran me into the ground

907
00:30:45,518 --> 00:30:46,051
But what comes around

908
00:30:46,119 --> 00:30:47,452
Goes around ♪

909
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:49,187
♪ and you don't hurt me

910
00:30:49,255 --> 00:30:50,322
You don't hurt me, no more

911
00:30:50,390 --> 00:30:52,891
And I don't need you no more

912
00:30:52,959 --> 00:30:55,127
Don't wanna see you ♪

913
00:30:55,194 --> 00:30:56,295
♪ you get no love

914
00:30:56,362 --> 00:30:56,862
Yeah

915
00:30:56,930 --> 00:30:57,729
Yeah

916
00:30:57,797 --> 00:31:05,671
Yeah ♪

917
00:31:05,738 --> 00:31:06,238
♪ you get no love

918
00:31:06,306 --> 00:31:06,805
Yeah

919
00:31:06,873 --> 00:31:07,372
Yeah

920
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:07,973
Yeah ♪

921
00:31:08,041 --> 00:31:08,607
♪ and I don't need you

922
00:31:08,675 --> 00:31:10,809
No more ♪

923
00:31:10,877 --> 00:31:12,210
♪ I'm alive again

924
00:31:12,278 --> 00:31:17,316
More alive than I have been

925
00:31:17,383 --> 00:31:18,183
In my whole entire life

926
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:19,051
I can see these people's ♪

927
00:31:19,118 --> 00:31:19,818
♪ ears perk up as I begin

928
00:31:19,886 --> 00:31:20,385
To spaz with the pen

929
00:31:20,453 --> 00:31:20,986
I'm a little bit sicker

930
00:31:21,054 --> 00:31:24,156
Than most [ bleep ]  fixin' ♪

931
00:31:24,223 --> 00:31:25,023
♪ to get thick again

932
00:31:25,091 --> 00:31:27,559
They say the competition

933
00:31:27,627 --> 00:31:28,126
[ bleep ] from

934
00:31:28,194 --> 00:31:28,727
This [ bleep ] ♪

935
00:31:28,795 --> 00:31:29,328
♪ now I stick it in

936
00:31:29,395 --> 00:31:30,028
I ain't never giving in again

937
00:31:30,096 --> 00:31:30,562
Caution to the wind

938
00:31:30,630 --> 00:31:31,163
Complete freedom ♪

939
00:31:31,230 --> 00:31:31,830
♪ look at these rappers

940
00:31:31,898 --> 00:31:32,297
How I treat them

941
00:31:32,365 --> 00:31:32,831
So why the [ bleep ]

942
00:31:32,899 --> 00:31:33,498
Would I join them when ♪

943
00:31:33,566 --> 00:31:33,999
♪ I beat them

944
00:31:34,067 --> 00:31:35,267
They call me a freak 'cause

945
00:31:35,335 --> 00:31:36,401
I like to spit on these

946
00:31:36,469 --> 00:31:37,269
[ bleep ] 'fore I eat them ♪

947
00:31:37,337 --> 00:31:40,939
♪ man, get these whack

948
00:31:41,007 --> 00:31:41,807
Where the [ bleep ] is kanye

949
00:31:41,874 --> 00:31:42,407
When you need him ♪

950
00:31:42,475 --> 00:31:43,108
♪ snatch the mic from 'em

951
00:31:43,176 --> 00:31:43,775
I'mma let you finish

952
00:31:43,843 --> 00:31:44,343
In a minute, yeah

953
00:31:44,410 --> 00:31:44,977
The rap was tight ♪

954
00:31:45,044 --> 00:31:45,644
♪ but I'm 'bout to spit

955
00:31:45,712 --> 00:31:46,278
The greatest verse of all

956
00:31:46,346 --> 00:31:46,878
Time so you might want

957
00:31:46,946 --> 00:31:47,512
To go back to the lab ♪

958
00:31:47,580 --> 00:31:48,046
♪ tonight and

959
00:31:48,114 --> 00:31:49,214
Scribble out them rhymes

960
00:31:49,282 --> 00:31:50,315
You were going to spit and

961
00:31:50,383 --> 00:31:51,216
Start over from scratch ♪

962
00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:52,050
♪ and write new ones

963
00:31:52,118 --> 00:31:52,617
But I'm afraid that it

964
00:31:52,685 --> 00:31:53,118
Ain't gonna make

965
00:31:53,186 --> 00:31:53,719
No difference when ♪

966
00:31:53,786 --> 00:31:54,353
♪ I rip this stage and

967
00:31:54,420 --> 00:31:54,953
Tear it in half tonight

968
00:31:55,021 --> 00:31:56,021
It's an adrenaline rush

969
00:31:56,089 --> 00:31:57,155
To feel the bass thump ♪

970
00:31:57,223 --> 00:31:58,290
♪ in the place all the way

971
00:31:58,358 --> 00:31:59,424
To the parking lot, fellow

972
00:31:59,492 --> 00:32:00,292
Set fire to the mic and

973
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:00,859
Ignite the crowd ♪

974
00:32:00,927 --> 00:32:01,693
♪ you can see the sparks

975
00:32:01,761 --> 00:32:02,828
From hot metal

976
00:32:02,895 --> 00:32:04,262
Cold-hearted from the day

977
00:32:04,330 --> 00:32:05,397
I bogarted the game ♪

978
00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:06,565
♪ I self started a roc fellow

979
00:32:06,632 --> 00:32:07,399
When I'm not even in my

980
00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:09,101
Harshest you can still get ♪

981
00:32:09,168 --> 00:32:09,968
♪ roasted 'cause marsh

982
00:32:10,036 --> 00:32:10,802
Is not mellow

983
00:32:10,870 --> 00:32:11,370
'til I'm toppling from

984
00:32:11,437 --> 00:32:12,504
The top I'm not going ♪

985
00:32:12,572 --> 00:32:13,372
♪ to stop I'm staying on my

986
00:32:13,439 --> 00:32:14,206
Monopoly board

987
00:32:14,273 --> 00:32:15,374
That means I'm on top of my

988
00:32:15,441 --> 00:32:16,208
Game and it don't stop ♪

989
00:32:16,275 --> 00:32:16,808
♪ 'til my hip don't

990
00:32:16,876 --> 00:32:18,210
Hop anymore

991
00:32:18,277 --> 00:32:18,844
When you so good that you

992
00:32:18,911 --> 00:32:19,644
Can't say it ♪

993
00:32:19,712 --> 00:32:20,479
♪ 'cause it ain't even

994
00:32:20,546 --> 00:32:21,046
Cool for you to sound

995
00:32:21,114 --> 00:32:21,613
Cocky anymore ♪

996
00:32:21,681 --> 00:32:22,781
♪ people just get sick

997
00:32:22,849 --> 00:32:23,882
'cause you spit, these

998
00:32:23,950 --> 00:32:24,449
Fools can't drool or

999
00:32:24,517 --> 00:32:25,584
Dribble a drop anymore ♪

1000
00:32:25,651 --> 00:32:26,451
♪ and you can never break

1001
00:32:26,519 --> 00:32:27,285
My stride, you never slow

1002
00:32:27,353 --> 00:32:30,122
The momentum at any ♪

1003
00:32:30,189 --> 00:32:30,822
♪ moment I'm about to blow

1004
00:32:30,890 --> 00:32:31,490
You'll never take my pride

1005
00:32:31,557 --> 00:32:32,090
Killing the flow, slow

1006
00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:32,791
Venom and the opponent ♪

1007
00:32:32,859 --> 00:32:33,392
♪ is getting no mercy

1008
00:32:33,459 --> 00:32:34,693
Mark my words ain't

1009
00:32:34,761 --> 00:32:35,861
Letting up relentless

1010
00:32:35,928 --> 00:32:36,428
I smell blood ♪

1011
00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:37,129
♪ I don't give a [ bleep ]

1012
00:32:37,196 --> 00:32:37,696
Keep giving them hell

1013
00:32:37,764 --> 00:32:38,397
Where was you when I

1014
00:32:38,464 --> 00:32:39,531
Fell and needed help up ♪

1015
00:32:39,599 --> 00:32:41,533
♪ you get no love

1016
00:32:41,601 --> 00:32:42,667
It's a little too late to

1017
00:32:42,735 --> 00:32:43,802
Say that you're sorry now

1018
00:32:43,870 --> 00:32:44,936
You kicked me when I ♪

1019
00:32:45,004 --> 00:32:46,071
♪ was down [ bleep ]

1020
00:32:46,139 --> 00:32:46,638
What you say, just

1021
00:32:46,706 --> 00:32:48,640
Don't hurt me

1022
00:32:48,708 --> 00:32:49,775
It don't hurt me ♪

1023
00:32:49,842 --> 00:32:50,609
♪ that's right

1024
00:32:50,676 --> 00:32:51,176
Don't hurt me

1025
00:32:51,244 --> 00:32:51,843
And I don't need you no more

1026
00:32:51,911 --> 00:32:53,745
I don't wanna see you ♪

1027
00:32:53,813 --> 00:32:54,880
You get no love

1028
00:32:54,947 --> 00:32:56,314
You showed me nothing

1029
00:32:56,382 --> 00:32:57,449
But hate, you ran me

1030
00:32:57,517 --> 00:32:58,617
Into the ground ♪

1031
00:32:58,684 --> 00:32:59,484
♪ but what comes

1032
00:32:59,552 --> 00:33:00,886
Around goes around

1033
00:33:00,953 --> 00:33:01,720
And you don't hurt me

1034
00:33:01,788 --> 00:33:04,556
You don't hurt me ♪

1035
00:33:04,624 --> 00:33:05,991
♪ and I don't need you no more

1036
00:33:06,059 --> 00:33:08,260
Don't wanna see you

1037
00:33:08,327 --> 00:33:20,505
You get no love

1038
00:33:21,674 --> 00:33:23,341
♪

1039
00:33:23,409 --> 00:33:24,209
♪ you get no love

1040
00:33:24,277 --> 00:33:24,776
Yeah

1041
00:33:24,844 --> 00:33:25,610
Yeah

1042
00:33:25,678 --> 00:33:26,478
Yeah ♪

1043
00:33:26,546 --> 00:33:27,612
♪ and I don't need you

1044
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:28,447
No more

1045
00:33:28,514 --> 00:33:29,314
You get no love

1046
00:33:29,382 --> 00:33:30,182
Yeah ♪

1047
00:33:30,249 --> 00:33:31,016
♪ yeah

1048
00:33:31,084 --> 00:33:31,850
Yeah

1049
00:33:31,918 --> 00:33:32,717
Yeah

1050
00:33:32,785 --> 00:33:33,285
Yeah ♪

1051
00:33:33,352 --> 00:33:34,119
♪ you get no love

1052
00:33:34,187 --> 00:33:34,986
Yeah

1053
00:33:35,054 --> 00:33:35,554
Yeah

1054
00:33:35,621 --> 00:33:36,121
Yeah ♪

1055
00:33:36,189 --> 00:33:37,856
♪ and I don't need you

1056
00:33:37,924 --> 00:33:39,257
You get no love ♪

1057
00:33:39,325 --> 00:33:43,595
♪

1058
00:33:43,663 --> 00:33:45,230
[ cheers and applause ]

1059
00:34:13,223 --> 00:34:13,789
>>> "weekend update" with

1060
00:34:13,857 --> 00:34:14,423
Seth meyers.

1061
00:34:14,491 --> 00:34:20,396
[ cheers and applause ]

1062
00:34:20,463 --> 00:34:21,797
>> good evening, I'm seth meyers

1063
00:34:21,865 --> 00:34:22,464
And here are tonight's top

1064
00:34:22,532 --> 00:34:27,102
Stories.

1065
00:34:27,170 --> 00:34:29,905
>>> earlier today, don't ask,

1066
00:34:29,973 --> 00:34:31,206
Don't tell was repealed in a

1067
00:34:31,274 --> 00:34:34,176
Senate vote.

1068
00:34:34,244 --> 00:34:34,943
With 65 voting yay and 31 voting

1069
00:34:35,011 --> 00:34:37,579
"I'm old!"

1070
00:34:37,647 --> 00:34:38,714
>>> julian assange, the founder

1071
00:34:38,782 --> 00:34:39,448
Of wikileaks, was freed on bail

1072
00:34:39,516 --> 00:34:44,053
Thursday and set to stay at a

1073
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:45,287
Luxurious mansion in the english

1074
00:34:45,355 --> 00:34:46,588
Countryside.

1075
00:34:46,656 --> 00:34:47,356
So, is he under arrest, or is he

1076
00:34:47,424 --> 00:34:47,923
On "the bachelorette"?

1077
00:34:47,991 --> 00:34:50,826
[ laughter ]

1078
00:34:50,894 --> 00:34:51,460
>>> president obama said

1079
00:34:51,528 --> 00:34:52,161
Thursday that the u.S. Is on

1080
00:34:52,228 --> 00:34:53,395
Track to achieve its goals in

1081
00:34:53,463 --> 00:34:54,163
Afghanistan, but that the gains

1082
00:34:54,230 --> 00:34:54,863
In many areas are fragile and

1083
00:34:54,931 --> 00:34:55,697
Reversible.

1084
00:34:55,765 --> 00:34:59,134
Which may be true, but it sure

1085
00:34:59,202 --> 00:35:02,538
Makes for a super crappy banner.

1086
00:35:02,605 --> 00:35:03,372
>>> new york governor

1087
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:04,506
David paterson said Monday that

1088
00:35:04,574 --> 00:35:05,941
He thinks the state may not be

1089
00:35:06,009 --> 00:35:07,676
Governable, which is kind of

1090
00:35:07,744 --> 00:35:08,811
Like danny devito saying that a

1091
00:35:08,878 --> 00:35:09,645
Basketball is undunkable.

1092
00:35:09,712 --> 00:35:15,384
[ laughter ]

1093
00:35:15,452 --> 00:35:17,786
Inchtz

1094
00:35:17,854 --> 00:35:19,822
>>> a spokesman for walmart said

1095
00:35:19,889 --> 00:35:22,224
It looks to open a store in new

1096
00:35:22,292 --> 00:35:24,560
York.

1097
00:35:24,627 --> 00:35:25,294
It will have to be scaled down a

1098
00:35:25,361 --> 00:35:28,997
Tad.

1099
00:35:29,065 --> 00:35:29,665
>>> this week, republican

1100
00:35:29,732 --> 00:35:30,432
National chairman michael steele

1101
00:35:30,500 --> 00:35:31,166
Surprised everyone by announcing

1102
00:35:31,234 --> 00:35:32,701
That he would run for a second

1103
00:35:32,769 --> 00:35:33,569
Term, despite heavy opposition

1104
00:35:33,636 --> 00:35:38,140
Within his own party.

1105
00:35:38,208 --> 00:35:39,508
Here to explain is michael

1106
00:35:39,576 --> 00:35:40,542
Steele.

1107
00:35:40,610 --> 00:35:43,112
[ cheers and applause ]

1108
00:35:43,179 --> 00:35:48,817
>> what's up, seth?

1109
00:35:48,885 --> 00:35:53,555
In the house, holla!

1110
00:35:53,623 --> 00:35:57,059
>> when 2010 came, many thought

1111
00:35:57,127 --> 00:35:58,727
You would gracefully step down.

1112
00:35:58,795 --> 00:35:59,728
>> I've been down with the tea

1113
00:35:59,796 --> 00:36:00,462
To the party since back in the

1114
00:36:00,530 --> 00:36:05,200
Day.

1115
00:36:05,268 --> 00:36:07,469
Much love to the competition.

1116
00:36:07,537 --> 00:36:07,803
Holla.

1117
00:36:07,871 --> 00:36:11,440
>> so you're a tea partier now?

1118
00:36:11,508 --> 00:36:13,142
>> always have been.

1119
00:36:13,209 --> 00:36:15,744
All my mama grizzly sisters know

1120
00:36:15,812 --> 00:36:16,879
What I'm talking about.

1121
00:36:16,946 --> 00:36:18,514
>> mr. Steele, you have to admit

1122
00:36:18,581 --> 00:36:20,215
That a second term will be an

1123
00:36:20,283 --> 00:36:20,983
Uphill battle for you.

1124
00:36:21,050 --> 00:36:23,352
I mean, after several scandals,

1125
00:36:23,419 --> 00:36:24,086
Republicans thought you would

1126
00:36:24,154 --> 00:36:26,755
Take a hint and just step aside.

1127
00:36:26,823 --> 00:36:28,056
>> my fellow republicans love

1128
00:36:28,124 --> 00:36:30,159
Me, seth.

1129
00:36:30,226 --> 00:36:30,692
We get along great.

1130
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:32,528
We play pranks on each other.

1131
00:36:32,595 --> 00:36:35,063
The other day they had changed

1132
00:36:35,131 --> 00:36:36,131
My locks and moved out all my

1133
00:36:36,199 --> 00:36:38,834
Furniture.

1134
00:36:38,902 --> 00:36:41,537
>> are you sure that was a

1135
00:36:41,604 --> 00:36:41,837
Prank?

1136
00:36:41,905 --> 00:36:43,105
>> most def, seth.

1137
00:36:43,173 --> 00:36:45,741
The rnc thinks I'm the bomb.

1138
00:36:45,808 --> 00:36:46,942
Do you know I've never received

1139
00:36:47,010 --> 00:36:48,477
A christmas present from my

1140
00:36:48,545 --> 00:36:49,478
Fellow republicans?

1141
00:36:49,546 --> 00:36:51,647
But this year I got a nice set

1142
00:36:51,714 --> 00:36:53,649
Of luggage and a ticket to

1143
00:36:53,716 --> 00:36:54,016
Anywhere.

1144
00:36:54,083 --> 00:36:54,716
That's anywhere in the world,

1145
00:36:54,784 --> 00:36:58,554
Seth.

1146
00:36:58,621 --> 00:37:00,255
>> what are you going to tell

1147
00:37:00,323 --> 00:37:03,025
Republicans that you've

1148
00:37:03,092 --> 00:37:04,426
Accomplished these last few

1149
00:37:04,494 --> 00:37:04,726
Years?

1150
00:37:04,794 --> 00:37:06,428
>> let's look at one of my

1151
00:37:06,496 --> 00:37:07,196
Biggest goals.

1152
00:37:07,263 --> 00:37:09,631
When I took over, minorities

1153
00:37:09,699 --> 00:37:11,166
Were voting republicans.

1154
00:37:11,234 --> 00:37:12,634
Now just two short years later,

1155
00:37:12,702 --> 00:37:13,835
We're known as the party of

1156
00:37:13,903 --> 00:37:15,037
Angry white people who want to

1157
00:37:15,104 --> 00:37:16,405
Take their country back.

1158
00:37:16,472 --> 00:37:17,105
Minorities, come on down.

1159
00:37:17,173 --> 00:37:20,676
Holla!

1160
00:37:20,743 --> 00:37:22,211
>> do you really think you're

1161
00:37:22,278 --> 00:37:23,178
Changing the republican party?

1162
00:37:23,246 --> 00:37:24,279
>> it doesn't matter.

1163
00:37:24,347 --> 00:37:25,247
I'm a black republican.

1164
00:37:25,315 --> 00:37:26,949
Where am I going to go?

1165
00:37:27,016 --> 00:37:28,350
We are a strong steady face for

1166
00:37:28,418 --> 00:37:29,184
This party.

1167
00:37:29,252 --> 00:37:31,253
Not someone who's going to cry

1168
00:37:31,321 --> 00:37:34,690
Like a beotch like john boehner.

1169
00:37:34,757 --> 00:37:35,757
People are coming late or not at

1170
00:37:35,825 --> 00:37:36,024
All.

1171
00:37:36,092 --> 00:37:40,862
That's how I roll.

1172
00:37:40,930 --> 00:37:42,831
>> michael steele, everyone.

1173
00:37:42,899 --> 00:37:49,838
[ cheers and applause ]

1174
00:37:49,906 --> 00:37:51,540
>>> experts in egypt are saying

1175
00:37:51,608 --> 00:37:53,108
That a series of shark attacks

1176
00:37:53,176 --> 00:37:54,610
On a popular beach were the

1177
00:37:54,677 --> 00:37:56,578
Result of livestock traders

1178
00:37:56,646 --> 00:37:57,713
Throwing carcasses into the

1179
00:37:57,780 --> 00:37:59,014
Coastal waters.

1180
00:37:59,082 --> 00:38:00,749
Too bad because if it weren't

1181
00:38:00,817 --> 00:38:02,551
For the sharks, that beach full

1182
00:38:02,619 --> 00:38:04,253
Of floating carcasses sounds

1183
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:06,221
Like a really nice vacation

1184
00:38:06,289 --> 00:38:06,521
Spot.

1185
00:38:06,589 --> 00:38:07,923
>>> archaeologists are china

1186
00:38:07,991 --> 00:38:09,992
Have discovered a 2400-year-old

1187
00:38:10,059 --> 00:38:11,226
Pot of soup.

1188
00:38:11,294 --> 00:38:12,828
Apparently even the ancient

1189
00:38:12,895 --> 00:38:13,595
Chinese had trouble throwing out

1190
00:38:13,663 --> 00:38:18,867
Leftover chinese.

1191
00:38:18,935 --> 00:38:21,169
>>> mtv announced part of its

1192
00:38:21,237 --> 00:38:24,039
New year's eve special, snooki

1193
00:38:24,107 --> 00:38:25,674
Will be placed inside a ball

1194
00:38:25,742 --> 00:38:27,376
That drops in times square.

1195
00:38:27,443 --> 00:38:28,510
Though I have a feeling this

1196
00:38:28,578 --> 00:38:30,345
Isn't the first party snooki has

1197
00:38:30,413 --> 00:38:31,813
Spent drunkenly going down on

1198
00:38:31,881 --> 00:38:38,320
Something while people cheered.

1199
00:38:38,388 --> 00:38:39,154
>>> nick cannon revealed

1200
00:38:39,222 --> 00:38:39,721
Thursday that he and

1201
00:38:39,789 --> 00:38:40,422
Mariah carey are having twins.

1202
00:38:40,490 --> 00:38:41,156
And president obama and his wife

1203
00:38:41,224 --> 00:38:41,923
Were among the first people they

1204
00:38:41,991 --> 00:38:42,557
Told.

1205
00:38:42,625 --> 00:38:43,692
So the president doesn't have

1206
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:44,559
Enough on his plate.

1207
00:38:44,627 --> 00:38:46,261
Now he's got to act interested

1208
00:38:46,329 --> 00:38:46,995
When nick cannon talks to him.

1209
00:38:47,063 --> 00:38:53,568
[ laughter ]

1210
00:38:53,636 --> 00:38:56,705
>>> the midwest was rocked by

1211
00:38:56,773 --> 00:38:58,607
Heavy snowfall and the northeast

1212
00:38:58,675 --> 00:39:02,811
Is bracing for a nor'easter.

1213
00:39:02,879 --> 00:39:06,181
Here with our forecast, our new

1214
00:39:06,249 --> 00:39:08,617
"weekend update" meteorologist,

1215
00:39:08,685 --> 00:39:09,084
Brad pitt.

1216
00:39:09,152 --> 00:39:10,085
>> thank you, seth.

1217
00:39:10,153 --> 00:39:10,886
Very happy to be here.

1218
00:39:10,953 --> 00:39:13,121
>> brad, what can holiday

1219
00:39:13,189 --> 00:39:14,156
Travelers expect next week?

1220
00:39:14,223 --> 00:39:17,726
>> well, we've had a rough

1221
00:39:17,794 --> 00:39:18,860
Starpt start

1222
00:39:18,928 --> 00:39:19,261
To winter.

1223
00:39:19,329 --> 00:39:20,829
And nothing makes travel worse

1224
00:39:20,897 --> 00:39:21,897
Than bad weather.

1225
00:39:21,964 --> 00:39:22,230
Bad!

1226
00:39:22,298 --> 00:39:24,099
Now, you can see starting in the

1227
00:39:24,167 --> 00:39:25,600
Midwest, you've got a cold front

1228
00:39:25,668 --> 00:39:26,968
Coming down from the north.

1229
00:39:27,036 --> 00:39:27,602
And that means more snow.

1230
00:39:27,670 --> 00:39:29,237
Bad.

1231
00:39:29,305 --> 00:39:31,106
>> brad, the midwest has been

1232
00:39:31,174 --> 00:39:32,240
Hit pretty hard.

1233
00:39:32,308 --> 00:39:35,744
Looks like it's going to be a

1234
00:39:35,812 --> 00:39:36,378
Ch

1235
00:39:36,446 --> 00:39:36,812
Chilly winter.

1236
00:39:36,879 --> 00:39:37,746
>> if you're looking to shake

1237
00:39:37,814 --> 00:39:40,515
The snow off your boots, you'll

1238
00:39:40,583 --> 00:39:43,185
Want to head down to the

1239
00:39:43,252 --> 00:39:43,585
Southwest.

1240
00:39:43,653 --> 00:39:45,320
♪ I'm talking about a heat

1241
00:39:45,388 --> 00:39:45,821
Wave ♪

1242
00:39:45,888 --> 00:39:48,857
Phoenix looking at a high of 75.

1243
00:39:48,925 --> 00:39:50,425
Santa fe, 81.

1244
00:39:50,493 --> 00:39:53,128
And palm springs, up to 90.

1245
00:39:53,196 --> 00:39:54,963
Bad!

1246
00:39:55,031 --> 00:39:56,698
You want to make sure to lather

1247
00:39:56,766 --> 00:39:57,199
On that spf.

1248
00:39:57,266 --> 00:39:58,133
Protect the skin.

1249
00:39:58,201 --> 00:40:01,670
Bad.

1250
00:40:01,738 --> 00:40:02,371
Of course, when you're down

1251
00:40:02,438 --> 00:40:03,238
There, you're just a hop, skip

1252
00:40:03,306 --> 00:40:05,273
And a jump from baja, mexico.

1253
00:40:05,341 --> 00:40:08,110
When we filmed, guess what,

1254
00:40:08,177 --> 00:40:08,410
Seth?

1255
00:40:08,478 --> 00:40:08,944
>> the mexicans?

1256
00:40:09,011 --> 00:40:10,879
>> no, "troy."

1257
00:40:10,947 --> 00:40:11,646
>> brad, baby.

1258
00:40:11,714 --> 00:40:14,015
>> angelina!

1259
00:40:14,083 --> 00:40:15,817
>> I got you a christmas

1260
00:40:15,885 --> 00:40:16,151
Present.

1261
00:40:16,219 --> 00:40:17,052
>> oh, I hope it's a kindle.

1262
00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:20,322
Not a baby.

1263
00:40:20,390 --> 00:40:22,324
Merry christmas, everybody.

1264
00:40:22,392 --> 00:40:25,093
Back to you, setherino.

1265
00:40:25,161 --> 00:40:27,529
>> "weekend update" weatherman

1266
00:40:27,597 --> 00:40:29,531
Brad pitt and angelina jolie,

1267
00:40:29,599 --> 00:40:29,898
Everyone.

1268
00:40:29,966 --> 00:40:33,135
[ cheers and applause ]

1269
00:40:33,202 --> 00:40:36,505
>>> lindsay lohan's mother,

1270
00:40:36,572 --> 00:40:37,706
Dina, said her daughter turned

1271
00:40:37,774 --> 00:40:39,307
Down an offer to appear on

1272
00:40:39,375 --> 00:40:40,742
"dancing with the stars" but

1273
00:40:40,810 --> 00:40:44,112
Suggested to producers they

1274
00:40:44,180 --> 00:40:46,381
Should bring dina on instead.

1275
00:40:46,449 --> 00:40:48,150
She said oh, I couldn't

1276
00:40:48,217 --> 00:40:48,517
Possibly.

1277
00:40:48,584 --> 00:40:51,920
Five, six, seven, eight.

1278
00:40:51,988 --> 00:40:52,654
>>> the fda is warning men who

1279
00:40:52,722 --> 00:40:53,388
Take the male-enhancement man-up

1280
00:40:53,456 --> 00:40:54,156
Now capsules to stop using them,

1281
00:40:54,223 --> 00:40:54,856
Because they can lower blood

1282
00:40:54,924 --> 00:40:55,891
Pressure to dangerous levels.

1283
00:40:55,958 --> 00:40:57,058
Though, if you're buying male

1284
00:40:57,126 --> 00:40:58,193
Enhancement pills at a deli,

1285
00:40:58,261 --> 00:40:59,060
You're probably not interested

1286
00:40:59,128 --> 00:40:59,895
In a ton of guidance.

1287
00:40:59,962 --> 00:41:02,731
[ laughter ]

1288
00:41:02,799 --> 00:41:04,733
>>> a student in massachusetts

1289
00:41:04,801 --> 00:41:07,569
Pled guilty Thursday to charges

1290
00:41:07,637 --> 00:41:08,437
That he falsified his academic

1291
00:41:08,504 --> 00:41:11,840
Record to get into harvard.

1292
00:41:11,908 --> 00:41:13,475
According to my sources, he was

1293
00:41:13,543 --> 00:41:14,142
Sentenced to four years at

1294
00:41:14,210 --> 00:41:15,444
Cornell.

1295
00:41:15,511 --> 00:41:20,282
[ laughter ]

1296
00:41:20,349 --> 00:41:21,850
>> this has been a joke for fair

1297
00:41:21,918 --> 00:41:22,984
Harvard.

1298
00:41:23,052 --> 00:41:26,321
[ laughter ]

1299
00:41:26,389 --> 00:41:28,056
>>> it was announced that

1300
00:41:28,124 --> 00:41:29,524
Scarlett johansson and ryan

1301
00:41:29,592 --> 00:41:31,660
Reynolds have separated which is

1302
00:41:31,727 --> 00:41:32,427
Unfortunate because they're

1303
00:41:32,495 --> 00:41:33,328
Probably the on ones to have a

1304
00:41:33,396 --> 00:41:36,031
Chance with either of them.

1305
00:41:36,098 --> 00:41:36,798
>>> a new restaurant has opened

1306
00:41:36,866 --> 00:41:37,499
In china that uses robots as

1307
00:41:37,567 --> 00:41:37,866
Waiters.

1308
00:41:37,934 --> 00:41:38,633
Because that's what the chinese

1309
00:41:38,701 --> 00:41:39,734
Should be working on, ways to

1310
00:41:39,802 --> 00:41:40,569
Make their 10 trillion people

1311
00:41:40,636 --> 00:41:45,273
Unnecessary.

1312
00:41:45,341 --> 00:41:47,042
[ laughter ]

1313
00:41:47,109 --> 00:41:47,742
>>> well, it's the last show

1314
00:41:47,810 --> 00:41:48,710
Before christmas.

1315
00:41:48,778 --> 00:41:49,845
So, here now with a holiday

1316
00:41:49,912 --> 00:41:54,416
Message, my three closest

1317
00:41:54,484 --> 00:41:56,351
Friends in the world, snooki,

1318
00:41:56,419 --> 00:41:59,988
Stefan, and

1319
00:42:00,056 --> 00:42:00,856
Governor david paterson.

1320
00:42:00,923 --> 00:42:04,559
[ cheers and applause ]

1321
00:42:05,461 --> 00:42:05,961
♪

1322
00:42:06,028 --> 00:42:07,095
♪ o christmas tree

1323
00:42:07,163 --> 00:42:08,230
O christmas tree

1324
00:42:08,297 --> 00:42:08,797
Thy leaves are so

1325
00:42:08,865 --> 00:42:12,767
Unchanging ♪

1326
00:42:12,835 --> 00:42:13,335
♪ o christmas tree

1327
00:42:13,402 --> 00:42:14,769
O christmas tree

1328
00:42:14,837 --> 00:42:15,904
Thy leaves

1329
00:42:15,972 --> 00:42:19,307
Are so unchanging ♪

1330
00:42:19,375 --> 00:42:24,145
♪ not only green

1331
00:42:24,213 --> 00:42:25,013
When summer's here

1332
00:42:25,081 --> 00:42:26,448
But also when it's cold

1333
00:42:26,516 --> 00:42:26,915
And drear ♪

1334
00:42:26,983 --> 00:42:27,582
♪ o christmas tree

1335
00:42:27,650 --> 00:42:29,851
O christmas tree

1336
00:42:29,919 --> 00:42:38,126
Thy leaves are so unchanging ♪

1337
00:42:38,194 --> 00:42:38,727
>> are we swaying?

1338
00:42:38,794 --> 00:42:41,396
What's happening here?

1339
00:42:41,464 --> 00:42:42,564
[ laughter ]

1340
00:42:42,632 --> 00:42:44,833
>> this is fun, drunk leopard.

1341
00:42:44,901 --> 00:42:45,400
[ laughter ]

1342
00:42:45,468 --> 00:42:45,967
♪ o christmas tree

1343
00:42:46,035 --> 00:42:48,236
O christmas tree

1344
00:42:48,304 --> 00:42:51,940
O evergreen unchanging ♪

1345
00:42:52,008 --> 00:42:52,774
♪ a symbol of good will

1346
00:42:52,842 --> 00:42:55,610
And love

1347
00:42:55,678 --> 00:42:57,045
You'll ever be unchanging ♪

1348
00:43:02,084 --> 00:43:03,752
>> when that thing that jack

1349
00:43:03,819 --> 00:43:04,319
Elves have like

1350
00:43:04,387 --> 00:43:04,886
The pony keg check

1351
00:43:04,954 --> 00:43:06,888
And they bang their little baby

1352
00:43:06,956 --> 00:43:09,724
Hammer and start tapping.

1353
00:43:09,792 --> 00:43:10,559
[ laughter ]

1354
00:43:10,626 --> 00:43:11,993
♪ o christmas tree

1355
00:43:12,061 --> 00:43:14,829
O christmas tree

1356
00:43:14,897 --> 00:43:17,399
You'll ever be unchanging ♪

1357
00:43:17,466 --> 00:43:19,401
>> are we going to smush?

1358
00:43:19,468 --> 00:43:20,835
>> I have a girlfriend, sorry.

1359
00:43:20,903 --> 00:43:24,506
>> happy holidays to everyone!

1360
00:43:24,574 --> 00:43:25,640
Except new jersey.

1361
00:43:25,708 --> 00:43:26,207
[ laughter ]

1362
00:43:26,275 --> 00:43:26,908
>> for "weekend update," I'm

1363
00:43:26,976 --> 00:43:27,342
Seth meyers.

1364
00:43:27,410 --> 00:43:28,777
Happy holidays!

1365
00:43:28,844 --> 00:43:29,344
And good night!

1366
00:43:29,412 --> 00:43:30,211
[ cheers and applause ]

1367
00:43:30,279 --> 00:43:31,913
♪

1368
00:43:49,251 --> 00:43:49,851
>>> you're watching turner

1369
00:43:49,918 --> 00:43:50,418
Classic movies.

1370
00:43:50,486 --> 00:43:52,420
♪

1371
00:43:52,488 --> 00:43:53,087
>> welcome back to turner

1372
00:43:53,155 --> 00:43:54,422
Classic movies.

1373
00:43:54,490 --> 00:43:56,124
I'm ben makowitz.

1374
00:43:56,191 --> 00:43:56,891
Tonight, we look at 1946's "it's

1375
00:43:56,959 --> 00:43:58,693
A wonderful life."

1376
00:43:58,760 --> 00:43:59,527
The classic film that tells the

1377
00:43:59,595 --> 00:44:00,661
Story of george bailey, played

1378
00:44:00,729 --> 00:44:01,796
By jimmy stewart, who receives a

1379
00:44:01,864 --> 00:44:02,663
Lesson in optimism from his

1380
00:44:02,731 --> 00:44:04,365
Fellow man at christmastime.

1381
00:44:04,433 --> 00:44:05,533
But it wasn't always that way.

1382
00:44:05,601 --> 00:44:08,369
The film was originally made as

1383
00:44:08,437 --> 00:44:09,070
A hanukkah movie called "this

1384
00:44:09,138 --> 00:44:09,770
You call a wonderful life?"

1385
00:44:09,838 --> 00:44:12,640
[ laughter ]

1386
00:44:12,708 --> 00:44:14,041
No footage of the hanukkah

1387
00:44:14,109 --> 00:44:14,909
Version has ever been seen until

1388
00:44:14,977 --> 00:44:16,911
Now.

1389
00:44:16,979 --> 00:44:25,720
♪

1390
00:44:25,787 --> 00:44:27,421
>> happy hanukkah!

1391
00:44:27,489 --> 00:44:28,823
Happy hanukkah, everybody!

1392
00:44:28,891 --> 00:44:31,692
Happy hanukkah!

1393
00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:32,393
Happy hanukkah, greenberg's

1394
00:44:32,461 --> 00:44:33,394
Delicatessen!

1395
00:44:33,462 --> 00:44:35,096
Happy hanukkah, you wonderful,

1396
00:44:35,164 --> 00:44:37,398
Old coen's brassieres.

1397
00:44:37,466 --> 00:44:39,634
Happy hanukkah to everyone is

1398
00:44:39,701 --> 00:44:47,608
Scarsdale!

1399
00:44:47,676 --> 00:44:48,176
>> mary!

1400
00:44:48,243 --> 00:44:49,877
Mary!

1401
00:44:49,945 --> 00:44:51,012
What's going on?

1402
00:44:51,079 --> 00:44:52,713
What's everyone doing here?

1403
00:44:52,781 --> 00:44:54,715
>> george, when people heard

1404
00:44:54,783 --> 00:44:55,416
Your building was in trouble,

1405
00:44:55,484 --> 00:44:59,554
They all came over.

1406
00:44:59,621 --> 00:45:00,421
>> wow, all of you are here in

1407
00:45:00,489 --> 00:45:01,189
My time of need to bring me some

1408
00:45:01,256 --> 00:45:01,489
Hope.

1409
00:45:01,557 --> 00:45:04,225
>> hope?

1410
00:45:04,293 --> 00:45:05,960
It's hopeless.

1411
00:45:06,028 --> 00:45:09,830
You've been accused of

1412
00:45:09,898 --> 00:45:10,331
Embezzlement.

1413
00:45:10,399 --> 00:45:13,501
This is a catastrophe!

1414
00:45:13,569 --> 00:45:14,602
>> this isn't very helpful.

1415
00:45:14,670 --> 00:45:17,371
You're making me more nervous.

1416
00:45:17,439 --> 00:45:18,806
>> george, don't worry.

1417
00:45:18,874 --> 00:45:19,473
When we heard you were in

1418
00:45:19,541 --> 00:45:21,375
Trouble, we snapped into action.

1419
00:45:21,443 --> 00:45:22,109
>> you mean you chipped in and

1420
00:45:22,177 --> 00:45:23,077
Brought the $8,000 I owe?

1421
00:45:23,145 --> 00:45:23,678
>> no, we brought food.

1422
00:45:23,745 --> 00:45:30,218
[ laughter ]

1423
00:45:30,285 --> 00:45:31,319
I brought two types of arugula.

1424
00:45:31,386 --> 00:45:31,886
And a chocolate bar.

1425
00:45:31,954 --> 00:45:32,486
Do you have any coffee?

1426
00:45:32,554 --> 00:45:33,321
>> none made.

1427
00:45:33,388 --> 00:45:37,091
>> she asks 40 people to her

1428
00:45:37,159 --> 00:45:37,825
House and she doesn't think to

1429
00:45:37,893 --> 00:45:39,227
Make coffee?

1430
00:45:39,294 --> 00:45:39,994
>> well, I brought half a pound

1431
00:45:40,062 --> 00:45:40,728
Of lox's spread from herschel's,

1432
00:45:40,796 --> 00:45:41,195
The best!

1433
00:45:41,263 --> 00:45:41,996
>> again with the herschel's!

1434
00:45:42,064 --> 00:45:45,366
Their corned beef is too fatty!

1435
00:45:45,434 --> 00:45:46,867
>> if it's so fatty, get the

1436
00:45:46,935 --> 00:45:48,970
Leap!

1437
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:50,771
They have lean!

1438
00:45:50,839 --> 00:45:55,142
>> while "it's a wonderful life"

1439
00:45:55,210 --> 00:45:56,377
Displayed the hope and optimism

1440
00:45:56,445 --> 00:45:57,778
Of christmas,

1441
00:45:57,846 --> 00:45:58,546
This film displayed the anxiety

1442
00:45:58,614 --> 00:45:59,180
Of a hanukkah gathering.

1443
00:45:59,248 --> 00:45:59,880
For example, the argument you

1444
00:45:59,948 --> 00:46:00,615
Just saw over a deli lasts for

1445
00:46:00,682 --> 00:46:01,048
43 minutes.

1446
00:46:01,116 --> 00:46:01,482
[ laughter ]

1447
00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:04,051
Fun fact, only jimmy stewart was

1448
00:46:04,119 --> 00:46:04,585
Miced.

1449
00:46:04,653 --> 00:46:05,286
The other actors in the film

1450
00:46:05,354 --> 00:46:07,188
Required no amplification.

1451
00:46:07,256 --> 00:46:07,989
>> all right, all right.

1452
00:46:08,056 --> 00:46:09,156
I'll give you the goldman's

1453
00:46:09,224 --> 00:46:09,757
Makes a decent pickle.

1454
00:46:09,825 --> 00:46:11,425
>> thank you.

1455
00:46:11,493 --> 00:46:12,193
>> but herschel's is better for

1456
00:46:12,261 --> 00:46:14,262
Groups!

1457
00:46:14,329 --> 00:46:14,829
>> okay.

1458
00:46:14,896 --> 00:46:16,931
Everyone quiet down!

1459
00:46:16,999 --> 00:46:19,300
Quiet down.

1460
00:46:19,368 --> 00:46:20,034
Enough complaints about the

1461
00:46:20,102 --> 00:46:21,502
Food.

1462
00:46:21,570 --> 00:46:24,005
Why do you keep going to these

1463
00:46:24,072 --> 00:46:24,739
Restaurants if you don't like

1464
00:46:24,806 --> 00:46:25,539
Them?

1465
00:46:25,607 --> 00:46:27,575
Not complaining.

1466
00:46:27,643 --> 00:46:28,709
>> hey, everyone, listen up.

1467
00:46:28,777 --> 00:46:29,443
George, you got a telegram from

1468
00:46:29,511 --> 00:46:30,711
Your old pal, sam wineberg.

1469
00:46:30,779 --> 00:46:33,047
>> good.

1470
00:46:33,115 --> 00:46:33,981
Oh, good.

1471
00:46:34,049 --> 00:46:36,017
Hee haw sam.

1472
00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:37,118
He'll help save my business.

1473
00:46:37,185 --> 00:46:37,718
>> "dear george.

1474
00:46:37,786 --> 00:46:38,286
Stop.

1475
00:46:38,353 --> 00:46:39,020
This telegram crook charges by

1476
00:46:39,087 --> 00:46:39,420
The word.

1477
00:46:39,488 --> 00:46:40,254
Stop."

1478
00:46:40,322 --> 00:46:42,256
And that's it.

1479
00:46:42,324 --> 00:46:42,823
[ laughter ]

1480
00:46:42,891 --> 00:46:44,792
>> oh, no.

1481
00:46:44,860 --> 00:46:45,660
This holiday is turning into a

1482
00:46:45,727 --> 00:46:47,928
Real downer.

1483
00:46:47,996 --> 00:46:51,532
What am I going to do?

1484
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:52,433
>> don't worry, the rabbi's

1485
00:46:52,501 --> 00:46:54,368
Here!

1486
00:46:54,436 --> 00:46:55,503
>> this is a great honor.

1487
00:46:55,570 --> 00:46:56,137
The rabbi only comes to

1488
00:46:56,204 --> 00:46:56,637
Everything.

1489
00:46:56,705 --> 00:47:00,074
[ light laughter ]

1490
00:47:00,142 --> 00:47:01,375
>> shalom, george.

1491
00:47:01,443 --> 00:47:02,510
You may be troubles,

1492
00:47:02,577 --> 00:47:03,377
But at this time remember the

1493
00:47:03,445 --> 00:47:09,617
Meaning of hanukkah.

1494
00:47:09,685 --> 00:47:11,018
They only had enough oil for one

1495
00:47:11,086 --> 00:47:15,589
Night, but it lasted for eight.

1496
00:47:15,657 --> 00:47:16,290
Some miracles can happen, you

1497
00:47:16,358 --> 00:47:23,264
See.

1498
00:47:23,332 --> 00:47:25,800
Pass the manischewitz.

1499
00:47:25,867 --> 00:47:30,938
>> thank you, rabbi.

1500
00:47:31,006 --> 00:47:31,639
>> a toast, to george bailey.

1501
00:47:31,707 --> 00:47:32,373
The nicest guy in town.

1502
00:47:32,441 --> 00:47:36,277
>> yay!

1503
00:47:36,345 --> 00:47:37,078
>> you hear that bell?

1504
00:47:37,145 --> 00:47:38,312
>> daddy!

1505
00:47:38,380 --> 00:47:44,352
>> what is it?

1506
00:47:44,419 --> 00:47:45,853
>> what is it, zhu, zhu?

1507
00:47:45,854 --> 00:47:47,555
>> doctor berstein says that

1508
00:47:47,556 --> 00:47:51,459
Every time you hear a ringing

1509
00:47:51,526 --> 00:47:53,060
You should get your prostate

1510
00:47:53,128 --> 00:47:53,427
Checked.

1511
00:47:53,495 --> 00:47:54,128
>> this you call a wonderful

1512
00:47:54,196 --> 00:47:54,628
Life?

1513
00:48:06,575 --> 00:48:07,241
>> after several set screenings,

1514
00:48:07,309 --> 00:48:07,908
It was decided that the

1515
00:48:07,976 --> 00:48:08,609
Christmas version was more

1516
00:48:08,677 --> 00:48:09,377
Uplifting, and "this you call a

1517
00:48:09,444 --> 00:48:10,077
Wonderful life?" was shelved.

1518
00:48:10,145 --> 00:48:10,811
The film's director went on to

1519
00:48:10,879 --> 00:48:11,512
Try a hanukah version of "a

1520
00:48:11,580 --> 00:48:12,246
Miracle on 34th street" called

1521
00:48:12,314 --> 00:48:12,880
Make "a mitzvah on west

1522
00:48:12,948 --> 00:48:13,314
84th street."

1523
00:48:13,382 --> 00:48:16,517
[ laughter ]

1524
00:48:16,585 --> 00:48:17,852
For turner classic movies, I'm

1525
00:48:17,919 --> 00:48:18,419
Ben makowitz.

1526
00:48:18,487 --> 00:48:19,019
[ cheers and applause ]

1527
00:48:19,087 --> 00:48:19,854
♪

1528
00:48:39,373 --> 00:48:40,006
>> announcer: Up next on the

1529
00:48:40,074 --> 00:48:40,740
Sundance channel, a new series

1530
00:48:40,808 --> 00:48:43,843
With actor jeff bridges.

1531
00:48:43,911 --> 00:48:44,544
>> I'm known in hollywood for

1532
00:48:44,612 --> 00:48:51,484
Many things.

1533
00:48:51,552 --> 00:48:52,852
My commitment to the draft and

1534
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:54,120
My love of

1535
00:48:54,188 --> 00:48:55,255
Practical jokes.

1536
00:48:55,322 --> 00:48:55,955
Now, you're invited to ride

1537
00:48:56,023 --> 00:48:56,723
Along as I put my own spin on a

1538
00:48:56,790 --> 00:48:57,290
Celebrity prank show.

1539
00:48:57,358 --> 00:48:58,358
Look out, hollywood, you're

1540
00:48:58,425 --> 00:49:00,360
About to get "jeff'd"!

1541
00:49:00,427 --> 00:49:00,927
♪

1542
00:49:00,995 --> 00:49:02,061
There's no greater american

1543
00:49:02,129 --> 00:49:03,763
Actor than my "big lebowski"

1544
00:49:03,831 --> 00:49:05,465
Costar sam elliott.

1545
00:49:05,532 --> 00:49:06,199
The guy, well, he's just a war

1546
00:49:06,267 --> 00:49:06,599
Horse.

1547
00:49:06,667 --> 00:49:10,036
And I consider him a brother.

1548
00:49:10,104 --> 00:49:10,870
But he can get pretty touchy

1549
00:49:10,938 --> 00:49:12,872
When it comes to his clothes

1550
00:49:12,940 --> 00:49:14,607
Which is why I decided to prank

1551
00:49:14,675 --> 00:49:15,441
Him at the dry cleaner.

1552
00:49:15,509 --> 00:49:21,080
Check it out.

1553
00:49:21,148 --> 00:49:22,548
>> I'm picking up dry

1554
00:49:22,616 --> 00:49:25,418
Cleaning for sam elliott.

1555
00:49:25,486 --> 00:49:27,120
There seems to be a mistake.

1556
00:49:27,187 --> 00:49:27,820
This is a dress and I dropped

1557
00:49:27,888 --> 00:49:29,689
Off a suit.

1558
00:49:29,757 --> 00:49:30,423
>> this is the ticket you gave

1559
00:49:30,491 --> 00:49:34,227
Me.

1560
00:49:34,295 --> 00:49:34,794
>> all right, stevie.

1561
00:49:34,862 --> 00:49:35,962
Don't torture the dude.

1562
00:49:36,030 --> 00:49:38,197
It's a prank, sam.

1563
00:49:38,265 --> 00:49:38,798
[ light laughter ]

1564
00:49:38,866 --> 00:49:40,199
You're on "jeff'd"!

1565
00:49:40,267 --> 00:49:40,767
It doesn't matter.

1566
00:49:40,834 --> 00:49:41,334
It's all staged.

1567
00:49:41,402 --> 00:49:42,769
>> well, I'll be.

1568
00:49:42,836 --> 00:49:43,536
You're doing your own prank show

1569
00:49:43,604 --> 00:49:45,071
Now, bridges?

1570
00:49:45,139 --> 00:49:47,707
>> yeah, it's a blast.

1571
00:49:47,775 --> 00:49:48,908
>> I'll bet it is.

1572
00:49:48,976 --> 00:49:49,642
Hey, how you been otherwise, old

1573
00:49:49,710 --> 00:49:49,976
Friend?

1574
00:49:50,044 --> 00:49:50,576
>> oh, I've been good.

1575
00:49:50,644 --> 00:49:51,344
Yeah, I've been doing the whole

1576
00:49:51,412 --> 00:49:53,379
Holiday thing with the family.

1577
00:49:53,447 --> 00:49:55,181
>> I know it.

1578
00:49:55,249 --> 00:50:00,853
[ light laughter ]

1579
00:50:00,921 --> 00:50:03,690
>> we got sam pretty good, huh?

1580
00:50:03,757 --> 00:50:05,124
Now, I knew it would be a lot

1581
00:50:05,192 --> 00:50:07,126
Harder to prank my "crazy heart"

1582
00:50:07,194 --> 00:50:08,227
Co-star maggie gyllenhaal, but I

1583
00:50:08,295 --> 00:50:09,395
Think we pulled it off.

1584
00:50:09,463 --> 00:50:12,231
Take a look.

1585
00:50:12,299 --> 00:50:14,200
>> hi.

1586
00:50:14,268 --> 00:50:14,901
I was told I had a fax at the

1587
00:50:14,968 --> 00:50:16,502
Front desk.

1588
00:50:16,570 --> 00:50:17,937
>> yes, I think I have that

1589
00:50:18,005 --> 00:50:19,906
Right here.

1590
00:50:19,973 --> 00:50:21,908
>> roses?

1591
00:50:21,975 --> 00:50:23,643
What is this?

1592
00:50:23,711 --> 00:50:25,311
>> it's a prank, honey.

1593
00:50:25,379 --> 00:50:26,479
[ laughter ]

1594
00:50:26,547 --> 00:50:28,448
Come here.

1595
00:50:28,515 --> 00:50:29,282
>> so sweet.

1596
00:50:29,350 --> 00:50:30,149
>> you just keep being you,

1597
00:50:30,217 --> 00:50:31,017
Darling.

1598
00:50:31,085 --> 00:50:35,588
♪

1599
00:50:35,656 --> 00:50:36,989
>> oh, man, I love pranking

1600
00:50:37,057 --> 00:50:38,091
People.

1601
00:50:38,158 --> 00:50:38,825
The look on their face when they

1602
00:50:38,892 --> 00:50:40,426
Think something's going to

1603
00:50:40,494 --> 00:50:42,395
Happen and I come out and tell

1604
00:50:42,463 --> 00:50:43,129
Them it's fine, it's such a

1605
00:50:43,197 --> 00:50:46,065
Rush.

1606
00:50:46,133 --> 00:50:48,368
Now, next up is my "blown away"

1607
00:50:48,435 --> 00:50:50,636
Co-star forest whitaker.

1608
00:50:50,704 --> 00:50:51,404
Forest, he always boards his dog

1609
00:50:51,472 --> 00:50:58,611
When he leaves town.

1610
00:50:58,679 --> 00:50:59,979
I thought he could have a little

1611
00:51:00,047 --> 00:51:00,713
Fun on the picking up side of

1612
00:51:00,781 --> 00:51:02,382
Things.

1613
00:51:02,449 --> 00:51:05,184
>> I'm here to pick up my dog.

1614
00:51:05,252 --> 00:51:06,052
Hey, this is a cat!

1615
00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:08,054
>> of course it's a cat.

1616
00:51:08,122 --> 00:51:09,489
Man, you're "jeff'd"!

1617
00:51:09,556 --> 00:51:11,758
[ laughs ]

1618
00:51:11,825 --> 00:51:12,892
>> jeff, I came here for my dog,

1619
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:15,728
And they have given me a cat.

1620
00:51:15,796 --> 00:51:17,897
>> forest, forest, it was a

1621
00:51:17,965 --> 00:51:18,631
Prank, man, but it's over.

1622
00:51:18,699 --> 00:51:20,199
It's over.

1623
00:51:20,267 --> 00:51:20,900
>> is my dog inside this cat?

1624
00:51:20,968 --> 00:51:25,405
[ laughter ]

1625
00:51:25,472 --> 00:51:27,774
>> guys, maybe we should show

1626
00:51:27,841 --> 00:51:30,977
Him the dog?

1627
00:51:31,044 --> 00:51:32,178
I feel like if he sees

1628
00:51:32,246 --> 00:51:32,979
The dog and the cat next to each

1629
00:51:33,046 --> 00:51:33,813
Other, that's going to help him

1630
00:51:33,881 --> 00:51:34,080
Out.

1631
00:51:34,148 --> 00:51:34,447
Come on.

1632
00:51:34,515 --> 00:51:34,881
[ laughter ]

1633
00:51:34,948 --> 00:51:35,615
♪

1634
00:51:35,682 --> 00:51:36,149
Okay.

1635
00:51:36,216 --> 00:51:37,316
You ready?

1636
00:51:37,384 --> 00:51:38,718
Everyone in hollywood has a limo

1637
00:51:38,786 --> 00:51:39,519
Driver who talks their ear off,

1638
00:51:39,586 --> 00:51:41,554
Right?

1639
00:51:41,622 --> 00:51:43,289
So I figured why not pretend to

1640
00:51:43,357 --> 00:51:45,558
Be a chauffeur myself.

1641
00:51:45,626 --> 00:51:46,959
And give billy bob thornton a

1642
00:51:47,027 --> 00:51:49,829
Ride he'll never forget.

1643
00:51:49,897 --> 00:51:52,398
>> I'm going to l.A.X.

1644
00:51:52,466 --> 00:51:55,201
Terminal 4, southwest airlines.

1645
00:51:55,269 --> 00:51:57,203
>> I can't drive you there, man.

1646
00:51:57,271 --> 00:52:05,678
I'm jeff bridges.

1647
00:52:05,746 --> 00:52:10,917
>> am I on "jeff'd"?

1648
00:52:10,984 --> 00:52:11,651
>> yeah, we're doing the whole

1649
00:52:11,718 --> 00:52:12,185
Fake limo thing.

1650
00:52:12,252 --> 00:52:12,952
>> you made a horse's ass out of

1651
00:52:13,020 --> 00:52:15,288
Me on television?

1652
00:52:15,355 --> 00:52:23,463
>> hey, man, you got "jeff'd."

1653
00:52:23,530 --> 00:52:33,139
It happens to the best of us.

1654
00:52:33,207 --> 00:52:33,840
>> start the car and drive to

1655
00:52:33,907 --> 00:52:34,307
The desert.

1656
00:52:34,374 --> 00:52:35,141
I've got a gun pointed at you.

1657
00:52:35,209 --> 00:52:35,875
>> you're pulling a gun, because

1658
00:52:35,943 --> 00:52:36,576
You got "jeff'd"?

1659
00:52:36,643 --> 00:52:37,343
>> I had the gun out before I

1660
00:52:37,411 --> 00:52:41,147
Knew I was on "jeff'd."

1661
00:52:41,215 --> 00:52:42,515
>> I'm just kidding.

1662
00:52:42,583 --> 00:52:45,551
I'm billy bob!

1663
00:52:45,619 --> 00:52:46,419
Anyway, tune in for the next

1664
00:52:46,487 --> 00:52:47,086
Episode of "jeff'd" when we

1665
00:52:47,154 --> 00:52:47,854
Bring kris kristofferson an iced

1666
00:52:47,921 --> 00:52:48,621
Tea instead of the arnold palmer

1667
00:52:48,689 --> 00:52:49,021
He ordered.

1668
00:52:49,089 --> 00:52:49,555
[ laughs ]

1669
00:52:49,623 --> 00:52:50,289
Ah, that's messed up, but, hey,

1670
00:52:50,357 --> 00:52:50,723
Man, so am I.

1671
00:52:50,791 --> 00:52:51,257
♪

1672
00:52:51,325 --> 00:52:52,391
[ cheers and applause ]

1673
00:53:14,450 --> 00:53:15,049
>>> once again, eminem and

1674
00:53:15,117 --> 00:53:17,318
Lil wayne!

1675
00:53:17,386 --> 00:53:19,387
[ cheers and applause ]

1676
00:53:35,871 --> 00:53:37,805
♪ you can sound the alarm

1677
00:53:37,873 --> 00:53:38,640
You can call out your guards

1678
00:53:38,707 --> 00:53:40,909
You can fence in your yard

1679
00:53:40,976 --> 00:53:43,478
You can pull all the cards ♪

1680
00:53:43,546 --> 00:53:46,881
♪ but I won't back down

1681
00:53:46,949 --> 00:53:49,183
Oh, no I wont back down

1682
00:53:49,251 --> 00:53:50,318
Oh, no ♪

1683
00:53:50,386 --> 00:53:50,919
♪ cadillac sevilles

1684
00:53:50,986 --> 00:53:52,020
Coupe devilles

1685
00:53:52,087 --> 00:53:53,154
Brain dead rims

1686
00:53:53,222 --> 00:53:54,289
Yeah stupid wheels ♪

1687
00:53:54,356 --> 00:53:55,156
♪ girl I'm too for real

1688
00:53:55,224 --> 00:53:55,823
Lose your tooth and nails

1689
00:53:55,891 --> 00:53:56,324
Try to fight it

1690
00:53:56,392 --> 00:53:57,225
Try to deny it ♪

1691
00:53:57,226 --> 00:53:58,359
♪ stupid you will feel

1692
00:53:58,360 --> 00:53:59,427
What I do

1693
00:53:59,495 --> 00:53:59,994
I do at will ♪

1694
00:54:00,062 --> 00:54:01,129
♪ shooting from the hip

1695
00:54:01,196 --> 00:54:02,530
Yeah boy shoot to kill

1696
00:54:02,598 --> 00:54:03,398
Half a breath left

1697
00:54:03,465 --> 00:54:04,332
On my death bed ♪

1698
00:54:04,333 --> 00:54:05,466
♪ screaming eff that

1699
00:54:05,467 --> 00:54:06,534
Yeah super ill ♪

1700
00:54:06,602 --> 00:54:07,368
♪ baby what the deal

1701
00:54:07,436 --> 00:54:08,236
We can chill

1702
00:54:08,304 --> 00:54:09,370
Split half a pill

1703
00:54:09,438 --> 00:54:11,406
And a happy meal ♪

1704
00:54:11,473 --> 00:54:12,206
♪ a steak cut my toes off

1705
00:54:12,274 --> 00:54:13,641
And step on the receipt

1706
00:54:13,709 --> 00:54:14,509
Before I foot the bill ♪

1707
00:54:14,577 --> 00:54:15,376
♪ listen garden tool

1708
00:54:15,444 --> 00:54:16,210
Don't make me introduce

1709
00:54:16,278 --> 00:54:17,912
You to my power tool ♪

1710
00:54:17,980 --> 00:54:19,881
♪ you know the drill

1711
00:54:19,949 --> 00:54:20,515
How you douche bags feel

1712
00:54:20,583 --> 00:54:21,316
Knowing you're disposable

1713
00:54:21,383 --> 00:54:22,750
Summers eve massengill ♪

1714
00:54:22,818 --> 00:54:23,885
♪ shady's got the mass

1715
00:54:23,953 --> 00:54:25,320
Appeal baby crank the

1716
00:54:25,387 --> 00:54:26,454
'cause it's your jam ♪

1717
00:54:26,522 --> 00:54:27,188
♪ you say that you want your

1718
00:54:27,256 --> 00:54:27,889
Punch lines a

1719
00:54:27,957 --> 00:54:28,990
Little more compact

1720
00:54:29,058 --> 00:54:30,992
Well shawty I'm that man ♪

1721
00:54:31,060 --> 00:54:31,659
♪ these other cats a'int

1722
00:54:31,727 --> 00:54:32,193
Metaphorically where

1723
00:54:32,261 --> 00:54:33,328
I'm at man ♪

1724
00:54:33,329 --> 00:54:34,128
♪ I gave bruce wayne

1725
00:54:34,196 --> 00:54:37,231
A valium and said

1726
00:54:37,299 --> 00:54:37,832
Settle ya ass down

1727
00:54:37,900 --> 00:54:38,666
I'm ready for combat man ♪

1728
00:54:38,734 --> 00:54:40,101
♪ get it calm batman

1729
00:54:40,169 --> 00:54:41,803
Nah, a'int nobody whose

1730
00:54:41,870 --> 00:54:47,208
As bomb and as nuts ♪

1731
00:54:47,276 --> 00:54:47,742
♪ rymes are like

1732
00:54:47,810 --> 00:54:48,209
Mom's cat scans

1733
00:54:48,277 --> 00:54:48,676
'cause they go

1734
00:54:48,744 --> 00:54:49,210
Ba-na-nas ♪

1735
00:54:49,278 --> 00:54:49,911
♪ honey I applaud that ass

1736
00:54:49,979 --> 00:54:50,511
Swear to god man these

1737
00:54:50,579 --> 00:54:51,112
Broads can't dance ♪

1738
00:54:51,180 --> 00:54:52,313
♪ ma show 'em how it's done

1739
00:54:52,381 --> 00:54:53,748
Spazz like taz, yeah ♪

1740
00:54:53,816 --> 00:54:56,050
♪ you can sound the alarm

1741
00:54:56,118 --> 00:54:58,286
You can call out your guards

1742
00:54:58,354 --> 00:55:00,321
You can fence in your yard

1743
00:55:00,389 --> 00:55:03,424
You can pull all the cards ♪

1744
00:55:03,492 --> 00:55:05,693
♪ but I won't back down

1745
00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:07,695
Oh, no I wont back down

1746
00:55:07,763 --> 00:55:10,264
Oh, no ♪

1747
00:55:10,332 --> 00:55:11,099
♪ girl shake that ass

1748
00:55:11,166 --> 00:55:12,233
Like a donkey

1749
00:55:12,301 --> 00:55:13,668
With parkinson's ♪

1750
00:55:13,736 --> 00:55:15,069
♪ make like michael j. Fox

1751
00:55:15,137 --> 00:55:15,670
Is in your drawers

1752
00:55:15,738 --> 00:55:16,237
Playin' with

1753
00:55:16,305 --> 00:55:16,804
An etch-a-sketch ♪

1754
00:55:16,872 --> 00:55:17,405
♪ bet you that you'll

1755
00:55:17,473 --> 00:55:17,939
Never guess who's

1756
00:55:18,007 --> 00:55:19,073
Knocking at your door

1757
00:55:19,141 --> 00:55:19,907
People hit the floors ♪

1758
00:55:19,975 --> 00:55:21,042
♪ yeah tonight ladies

1759
00:55:21,110 --> 00:55:22,210
You gonna get divorced ♪

1760
00:55:22,277 --> 00:55:23,344
♪ girl forget remorse

1761
00:55:23,412 --> 00:55:24,178
I'ma hit you broads with

1762
00:55:24,246 --> 00:55:25,079
Chris's force like

1763
00:55:25,147 --> 00:55:27,048
You pissed him off ♪

1764
00:55:27,116 --> 00:55:29,317
♪ talented with the tongue

1765
00:55:29,385 --> 00:55:29,984
You aint gotta lick in yours

1766
00:55:30,052 --> 00:55:30,718
Hittin' licks like

1767
00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:31,586
I'm robbing liquor stores ♪

1768
00:55:31,654 --> 00:55:33,287
♪ makin' cash registers

1769
00:55:33,355 --> 00:55:34,422
Their draws ♪

1770
00:55:34,490 --> 00:55:35,590
♪ think you spit the raw

1771
00:55:35,658 --> 00:55:36,724
I'm an uncooked slab of beef

1772
00:55:36,792 --> 00:55:38,126
Laying on your kitchen floor ♪

1773
00:55:38,193 --> 00:55:38,760
♪ other words I'm off

1774
00:55:38,827 --> 00:55:39,827
The meat rack

1775
00:55:39,895 --> 00:55:40,962
Bring the beat back bring

1776
00:55:41,030 --> 00:55:42,096
Me two extension chords ♪

1777
00:55:42,164 --> 00:55:43,231
♪ I'ma measure my

1778
00:55:43,298 --> 00:55:45,500
I need six inches more ♪

1779
00:55:45,567 --> 00:55:46,367
♪ need I remind you

1780
00:55:46,435 --> 00:55:48,069
That I don't need

1781
00:55:48,137 --> 00:55:48,936
The swine flu

1782
00:55:49,004 --> 00:55:50,638
To be a sick pig ♪

1783
00:55:50,706 --> 00:55:51,506
♪ you're addicted I'm dope

1784
00:55:51,573 --> 00:55:52,106
I'm the longest needle

1785
00:55:52,174 --> 00:55:52,607
Around here ♪

1786
00:55:52,675 --> 00:55:53,775
♪ need a fix up

1787
00:55:53,842 --> 00:55:56,044
I'm the big shot ♪

1788
00:55:56,111 --> 00:55:56,611
♪ get it nuts

1789
00:55:56,679 --> 00:55:57,478
Your just small boats

1790
00:55:57,546 --> 00:55:58,046
Little ♪

1791
00:55:58,113 --> 00:55:59,480
♪ girl you think that

1792
00:55:59,548 --> 00:56:00,314
Other hot

1793
00:56:00,382 --> 00:56:00,882
I'll drink gasoline

1794
00:56:00,949 --> 00:56:01,716
And eat a lit match ♪

1795
00:56:01,784 --> 00:56:02,884
♪ 'fore I sit back

1796
00:56:02,951 --> 00:56:03,985
And let 'em get hot

1797
00:56:04,053 --> 00:56:04,852
Better call the cops on 'em

1798
00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:05,687
Quick, fast ♪

1799
00:56:05,754 --> 00:56:07,989
♪ shady's right back

1800
00:56:08,057 --> 00:56:09,724
White trash with half

1801
00:56:09,792 --> 00:56:11,392
A six pack in his hatchback ♪

1802
00:56:11,460 --> 00:56:12,827
♪ trailer hitched attached

1803
00:56:12,895 --> 00:56:14,228
To the back ♪

1804
00:56:14,296 --> 00:56:16,798
♪ you can sound the alarm

1805
00:56:16,865 --> 00:56:18,232
You can call out your guards

1806
00:56:18,300 --> 00:56:20,501
You can fence in your yard

1807
00:56:20,569 --> 00:56:23,905
You can pull all the cards ♪

1808
00:56:23,972 --> 00:56:27,341
♪ but I won't back down

1809
00:56:27,409 --> 00:56:29,610
Oh, no I wont back down

1810
00:56:29,678 --> 00:56:31,879
Oh, no ♪

1811
00:56:31,947 --> 00:56:34,716
[ cheers and applause ]

1812
00:56:40,456 --> 00:56:45,026
♪

1813
00:56:45,094 --> 00:56:46,461
♪ okay excuse my charisma

1814
00:56:46,528 --> 00:56:47,895
Vodka with a spritzer

1815
00:56:47,963 --> 00:56:49,330
Swagger down pat

1816
00:56:49,398 --> 00:56:50,765
Just call it patricia ♪

1817
00:56:50,833 --> 00:56:52,166
♪ young money militia

1818
00:56:52,234 --> 00:56:53,901
And I am the commissioner ♪

1819
00:56:53,969 --> 00:56:54,635
♪ you don't want start weezy

1820
00:56:54,703 --> 00:56:55,069
'cause the "f"

1821
00:56:55,137 --> 00:56:56,704
Is for finisher ♪

1822
00:56:56,772 --> 00:56:57,572
♪ so misunderstood

1823
00:56:57,639 --> 00:56:58,139
But what's a world

1824
00:56:58,207 --> 00:56:59,273
Without enigma? ♪

1825
00:56:59,341 --> 00:57:00,975
♪ two women at the same time

1826
00:57:01,043 --> 00:57:02,410
Synchronized swimmers

1827
00:57:02,478 --> 00:57:03,511
Got the girl twisted 'cause

1828
00:57:03,579 --> 00:57:04,679
She open when you twist her ♪

1829
00:57:04,747 --> 00:57:11,986
♪ never met the girl

1830
00:57:12,054 --> 00:57:13,387
But I acted like I missed her

1831
00:57:13,455 --> 00:57:14,222
Life is the witch

1832
00:57:14,289 --> 00:57:15,056
And death is her sister ♪

1833
00:57:15,124 --> 00:57:15,656
♪ sleep is the cousin

1834
00:57:15,724 --> 00:57:16,224
What a family picture

1835
00:57:16,291 --> 00:57:16,791
You know father time

1836
00:57:16,859 --> 00:57:17,492
We all know mother nature ♪

1837
00:57:17,559 --> 00:57:18,159
♪ it's all in the family

1838
00:57:18,227 --> 00:57:20,495
But I am of no relation

1839
00:57:20,562 --> 00:57:21,095
No matter who's buying

1840
00:57:21,163 --> 00:57:21,929
I'm a celebration ♪

1841
00:57:21,997 --> 00:57:23,631
♪ black and white diamonds

1842
00:57:23,699 --> 00:57:25,333
No segregation

1843
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:26,734
Put all of my money up

1844
00:57:26,802 --> 00:57:27,869
You guys are honey nut ♪

1845
00:57:27,936 --> 00:57:29,337
♪ young money running it

1846
00:57:29,404 --> 00:57:31,005
And you guys are runner-ups

1847
00:57:31,073 --> 00:57:31,806
I don't feel I done enough ♪

1848
00:57:31,874 --> 00:57:32,440
♪ so I'ma keep on

1849
00:57:32,508 --> 00:57:33,574
Doing this

1850
00:57:33,642 --> 00:57:34,475
Lil tunechi

1851
00:57:34,543 --> 00:57:35,276
Or young tuna fish ♪

1852
00:57:35,344 --> 00:57:40,715
♪

1853
00:57:40,783 --> 00:57:42,950
Make some noise

1854
00:57:43,018 --> 00:57:43,518
♪ I'm going back in

1855
00:57:43,585 --> 00:57:44,485
Okay I lost my mind

1856
00:57:44,553 --> 00:57:44,952
It's somewhere

1857
00:57:45,020 --> 00:57:45,553
Out there stranded ♪

1858
00:57:45,621 --> 00:57:46,387
♪ I think you stand under

1859
00:57:46,455 --> 00:57:47,522
Me if you don't understand me

1860
00:57:47,589 --> 00:57:49,223
Had my heart broken

1861
00:57:49,291 --> 00:57:50,658
By this woman named tammy ♪

1862
00:57:50,726 --> 00:57:52,059
♪ but women gonna be women

1863
00:57:52,127 --> 00:57:53,795
So I couldn't blame tammy ♪

1864
00:57:53,862 --> 00:57:55,229
♪ just talked to moms

1865
00:57:55,297 --> 00:57:56,631
Told her she the sweetest

1866
00:57:56,698 --> 00:57:58,332
I beat the beat up

1867
00:57:58,400 --> 00:57:59,767
Call it self defense ♪

1868
00:57:59,835 --> 00:58:05,039
♪ swear I be seeing through

1869
00:58:05,107 --> 00:58:07,608
These fools like sequins

1870
00:58:07,676 --> 00:58:08,776
And if they think they he-men

1871
00:58:08,844 --> 00:58:09,377
Pow, pow, the end ♪

1872
00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:10,144
♪ talking to myself because

1873
00:58:10,212 --> 00:58:10,778
I am my own consultant

1874
00:58:10,846 --> 00:58:11,312
Married to the money

1875
00:58:11,380 --> 00:58:12,046
The world, that's adultery ♪

1876
00:58:12,114 --> 00:58:12,547
♪ you full of

1877
00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:13,114
You close your mouth

1878
00:58:13,182 --> 00:58:13,648
And let yo talk ♪

1879
00:58:13,715 --> 00:58:14,715
♪ young money eating

1880
00:58:14,783 --> 00:58:15,283
All them haters do is

1881
00:58:15,350 --> 00:58:16,450
Add salt ♪

1882
00:58:16,518 --> 00:58:18,119
♪ stop playing with me

1883
00:58:18,187 --> 00:58:19,821
Got this game on deadbolt

1884
00:58:19,888 --> 00:58:20,955
Mind so sharp I mess around

1885
00:58:21,023 --> 00:58:26,828
And cut my head off ♪

1886
00:58:26,895 --> 00:58:27,962
♪ real all day

1887
00:58:28,030 --> 00:58:28,596
And tomorrow but these

1888
00:58:28,664 --> 00:58:29,096
Talking crazy

1889
00:58:29,164 --> 00:58:29,730
Like they jaw broke ♪

1890
00:58:29,798 --> 00:58:30,298
♪ glass half empty

1891
00:58:30,365 --> 00:58:30,798
Half full

1892
00:58:30,866 --> 00:58:31,365
I'll spill ya ♪

1893
00:58:31,433 --> 00:58:35,636
♪ try me and run into a wall

1894
00:58:35,704 --> 00:58:36,237
You know I'ma ball until

1895
00:58:36,305 --> 00:58:36,804
They turn off

1896
00:58:36,872 --> 00:58:37,371
The field lights ♪

1897
00:58:37,439 --> 00:58:38,039
♪ the fruits of my labor

1898
00:58:38,106 --> 00:58:38,639
I enjoy 'em while

1899
00:58:38,707 --> 00:58:39,307
They still ripe ♪

1900
00:58:39,374 --> 00:58:40,741
♪ stop playing

1901
00:58:40,809 --> 00:58:41,609
I do it like a king do

1902
00:58:41,677 --> 00:58:43,878
If these animals

1903
00:58:43,946 --> 00:58:45,279
Then I'ma have a mink soon ♪

1904
00:58:45,347 --> 00:58:46,147
♪ tell 'em I say put

1905
00:58:46,215 --> 00:58:47,281
My name on the wall ♪

1906
00:58:47,349 --> 00:58:48,149
♪ I speak the truth

1907
00:58:48,217 --> 00:58:48,983
But I guess that's a

1908
00:58:49,051 --> 00:58:50,117
Foreign language to y'all ♪

1909
00:58:50,185 --> 00:58:50,685
♪ and I call it

1910
00:58:50,752 --> 00:58:52,687
Like I see it

1911
00:58:52,754 --> 00:58:53,821
And my glasses on ♪

1912
00:58:53,889 --> 00:58:55,823
♪ but most of y'all don't

1913
00:58:55,891 --> 00:58:56,490
Get the picture 'less

1914
00:58:56,558 --> 00:59:00,361
The flash is on ♪

1915
00:59:00,429 --> 00:59:01,062
♪ satisfied with nothing

1916
00:59:01,129 --> 00:59:01,762
You don't know the half of it

1917
00:59:01,830 --> 00:59:02,430
Young money, cash money ♪

1918
00:59:02,497 --> 00:59:02,964
♪ paper chasing

1919
00:59:03,031 --> 00:59:03,497
Tell that paper

1920
00:59:03,565 --> 00:59:05,199
Look, I'm right behind ya ♪

1921
00:59:05,267 --> 00:59:06,634
♪ you know real gs move

1922
00:59:06,702 --> 00:59:07,468
In silence like lasagna ♪

1923
00:59:07,536 --> 00:59:08,603
♪ people say I'm

1924
00:59:08,670 --> 00:59:09,470
Borderline crazy

1925
00:59:09,538 --> 00:59:10,605
Sorta kinda ♪

1926
00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:11,472
♪ woman of my dreams

1927
00:59:11,540 --> 00:59:12,340
I don't sleep

1928
00:59:12,407 --> 00:59:13,741
So I can't find her ♪

1929
00:59:13,809 --> 00:59:14,876
♪ you guys are gelatin

1930
00:59:14,943 --> 00:59:16,010
Peanuts to an elephant ♪

1931
00:59:16,078 --> 00:59:16,577
♪ I got through

1932
00:59:16,645 --> 00:59:18,279
That sentence like

1933
00:59:18,347 --> 00:59:20,281
A subject and a predicate ♪

1934
00:59:20,349 --> 00:59:21,115
♪ with a swag you

1935
00:59:21,183 --> 00:59:21,983
Would kill for

1936
00:59:22,050 --> 00:59:23,417
Money too strong

1937
00:59:23,485 --> 00:59:25,119
Pockets on bodybuilder ♪

1938
00:59:25,187 --> 00:59:26,821
♪ jumped in a wishing well

1939
00:59:26,889 --> 00:59:28,256
Now wish me well

1940
00:59:28,323 --> 00:59:29,690
Tell 'em kiss my --

1941
00:59:29,758 --> 00:59:30,391
Call it kiss and tell ♪

1942
00:59:30,459 --> 00:59:32,827
[ cheers and applause ]

1943
00:59:57,979 --> 00:59:58,879
>>> howdy, mr. Shipley.

1944
00:59:58,947 --> 01:00:03,484
>> howdy, miss dawkins.

1945
01:00:03,552 --> 01:00:04,218
I got that sterling silver comb

1946
01:00:04,286 --> 01:00:06,654
You wanted for your mama for

1947
01:00:06,722 --> 01:00:08,456
Christmas.

1948
01:00:08,523 --> 01:00:10,758
>> oh, goody.

1949
01:00:10,826 --> 01:00:11,325
>> all right.

1950
01:00:11,393 --> 01:00:11,992
That's going to be $22.60.

1951
01:00:12,060 --> 01:00:12,660
Now, do you want that gift

1952
01:00:12,728 --> 01:00:12,993
Wrapped?

1953
01:00:13,061 --> 01:00:13,494
>> gift wrapped?

1954
01:00:13,562 --> 01:00:14,161
I've never heard of such a

1955
01:00:14,229 --> 01:00:14,462
Thing.

1956
01:00:14,529 --> 01:00:15,162
>> it's a little service I'm

1957
01:00:15,230 --> 01:00:16,430
Trying out for the holidays.

1958
01:00:16,498 --> 01:00:17,898
My cousin and her special friend

1959
01:00:17,966 --> 01:00:19,867
Thought it up.

1960
01:00:19,935 --> 01:00:20,568
Save yourself time having to

1961
01:00:20,635 --> 01:00:21,035
Wrap it at home.

1962
01:00:21,103 --> 01:00:21,802
You'll be their first customer.

1963
01:00:21,870 --> 01:00:22,503
>> I reckon that sounds all

1964
01:00:22,571 --> 01:00:22,803
Right.

1965
01:00:22,871 --> 01:00:29,009
So I give this to you?

1966
01:00:29,077 --> 01:00:30,678
>> oh, wow!

1967
01:00:30,746 --> 01:00:32,113
What a fancy comb.

1968
01:00:32,180 --> 01:00:35,049
>> oh neat comb.

1969
01:00:35,117 --> 01:00:37,151
>> this is over the top neat.

1970
01:00:37,219 --> 01:00:39,120
If I got this for christmas, I'd

1971
01:00:39,187 --> 01:00:44,225
Shoot stuff out of my fanny.

1972
01:00:44,292 --> 01:00:46,327
>> oh, come on, get to wrapping.

1973
01:00:46,394 --> 01:00:48,395
>> you know what?

1974
01:00:48,463 --> 01:00:48,863
I'm in a hurry.

1975
01:00:48,930 --> 01:00:49,797
Maybe I should get.

1976
01:00:49,865 --> 01:00:55,770
>> don't get without this.

1977
01:00:55,837 --> 01:00:57,738
>> it's awful flashy.

1978
01:00:57,806 --> 01:00:59,673
I don't know what to say.

1979
01:00:59,741 --> 01:01:00,307
>> you don't have to say

1980
01:01:00,375 --> 01:01:00,775
Anything.

1981
01:01:00,842 --> 01:01:01,475
Just make your face go like

1982
01:01:01,543 --> 01:01:03,911
This.

1983
01:01:03,979 --> 01:01:07,615
>> or this.

1984
01:01:07,682 --> 01:01:08,749
>> bye.

1985
01:01:08,817 --> 01:01:11,352
Thank you.

1986
01:01:11,419 --> 01:01:11,786
>> thank you.

1987
01:01:11,853 --> 01:01:13,320
Bye.

1988
01:01:13,388 --> 01:01:14,789
>> oh.

1989
01:01:14,856 --> 01:01:21,028
She was great.

1990
01:01:21,096 --> 01:01:21,629
>> howdy, mr. Shipley.

1991
01:01:21,696 --> 01:01:22,163
>> howdy, scootch.

1992
01:01:22,230 --> 01:01:22,730
What can I do you for?

1993
01:01:22,798 --> 01:01:23,397
>> well, I've got to get a

1994
01:01:23,465 --> 01:01:24,098
Christmas present for my wife.

1995
01:01:24,166 --> 01:01:24,865
>> how about this padded milking

1996
01:01:24,933 --> 01:01:25,266
Stool.

1997
01:01:25,333 --> 01:01:27,568
My last one.

1998
01:01:27,636 --> 01:01:28,302
>> well, what will they think of

1999
01:01:28,370 --> 01:01:29,270
Next?

2000
01:01:29,337 --> 01:01:33,808
I'll take it.

2001
01:01:33,875 --> 01:01:34,642
>> would you like that gift

2002
01:01:34,709 --> 01:01:38,813
Wrapped?

2003
01:01:38,880 --> 01:01:39,480
>> I do not know what that

2004
01:01:39,548 --> 01:01:40,748
Means.

2005
01:01:40,816 --> 01:01:42,817
>> just take it over there.

2006
01:01:42,884 --> 01:01:45,119
>> ooh, a milking stool.

2007
01:01:45,187 --> 01:01:49,390
I smell romance.

2008
01:01:49,457 --> 01:01:51,358
>> if I got this for christmas,

2009
01:01:51,426 --> 01:01:54,428
I'd shoot stuff out of my fanny.

2010
01:01:54,496 --> 01:01:56,096
>> gordon.

2011
01:01:56,164 --> 01:01:58,065
>> I really think I would.

2012
01:01:58,133 --> 01:01:59,500
>> well, it's getting dark and

2013
01:01:59,568 --> 01:02:00,634
I'm going to have to get.

2014
01:02:00,702 --> 01:02:02,069
You see, my horse is sick,

2015
01:02:02,137 --> 01:02:05,172
And --

2016
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,340
>> there you go.

2017
01:02:06,408 --> 01:02:08,609
>> I'm at a loss for words.

2018
01:02:08,677 --> 01:02:09,710
>> who needs words?

2019
01:02:09,778 --> 01:02:10,411
Just make your face go like

2020
01:02:10,478 --> 01:02:15,749
This.

2021
01:02:15,817 --> 01:02:17,985
>> or like this.

2022
01:02:18,053 --> 01:02:18,719
>> I can't walk down the street

2023
01:02:18,787 --> 01:02:21,755
Carrying this.

2024
01:02:21,823 --> 01:02:23,257
I could get shot.

2025
01:02:23,325 --> 01:02:24,992
>> how about thank you?

2026
01:02:25,060 --> 01:02:31,098
>> you are rude.

2027
01:02:31,166 --> 01:02:31,832
>> I guess I'll just have to

2028
01:02:31,900 --> 01:02:35,402
Hope for the best.

2029
01:02:35,470 --> 01:02:36,537
[ gunshots ]

2030
01:02:36,605 --> 01:02:37,104
>> oh, he got shot.

2031
01:02:37,172 --> 01:02:37,972
Good job, you two.

2032
01:02:38,039 --> 01:02:38,806
This whole gift-wrapping thing

2033
01:02:38,874 --> 01:02:44,712
Ain't really panning out.

2034
01:02:44,779 --> 01:02:46,680
[ gun shots ]

2035
01:02:46,748 --> 01:02:48,782
>> that's right.

2036
01:02:48,850 --> 01:02:50,351
Give me all your money unless

2037
01:02:50,418 --> 01:02:52,353
You want to end up like that

2038
01:02:52,420 --> 01:02:53,354
Fellow I just shot outside.

2039
01:02:53,421 --> 01:02:55,489
>> he was getting a christmas

2040
01:02:55,557 --> 01:02:56,857
Present for his wife.

2041
01:02:56,925 --> 01:02:58,525
>> I don't care about christmas.

2042
01:02:58,593 --> 01:03:00,527
No one ever gave nothing to me.

2043
01:03:00,595 --> 01:03:01,795
>> we've got to do something.

2044
01:03:01,863 --> 01:03:04,231
>> I've got an idea.

2045
01:03:04,299 --> 01:03:04,498
Hey.

2046
01:03:04,566 --> 01:03:07,902
Can we talk to you over here

2047
01:03:07,969 --> 01:03:08,669
In the gift-wrapping department?

2048
01:03:08,737 --> 01:03:09,203
>> what department?

2049
01:03:09,271 --> 01:03:09,503
Where?

2050
01:03:09,571 --> 01:03:10,738
You best just shut your trap

2051
01:03:10,805 --> 01:03:13,307
While he fills them there bags.

2052
01:03:13,375 --> 01:03:17,978
>> hey, you.

2053
01:03:18,046 --> 01:03:24,618
We've had about enough of this.

2054
01:03:24,686 --> 01:03:28,389
>> what the --

2055
01:03:28,456 --> 01:03:29,390
>> you're going to get it, get

2056
01:03:29,457 --> 01:03:31,725
It good.

2057
01:03:31,793 --> 01:03:32,493
Oh, no.

2058
01:03:32,560 --> 01:03:33,427
Oh, my god.

2059
01:03:33,495 --> 01:03:35,663
This is the first gift I've ever

2060
01:03:35,730 --> 01:03:37,932
Done got given to me inside of

2061
01:03:37,999 --> 01:03:38,399
My hands here.

2062
01:03:38,466 --> 01:03:43,604
It's so beautiful.

2063
01:03:43,672 --> 01:03:44,338
This entire christmas just

2064
01:03:44,406 --> 01:03:45,572
Flashed before me.

2065
01:03:45,640 --> 01:03:47,574
Thank you, weirdos.

2066
01:03:47,642 --> 01:03:50,144
Thank you.

2067
01:03:50,211 --> 01:03:54,982
>> you did it.

2068
01:03:55,050 --> 01:03:55,649
>> now that is the magic of

2069
01:03:55,717 --> 01:03:58,485
Christmas.

2070
01:03:58,553 --> 01:04:04,091
>> I think I love you, corvin.

2071
01:04:04,159 --> 01:04:04,692
>> you know that's not

2072
01:04:04,759 --> 01:04:05,859
Happening.

2073
01:04:05,927 --> 01:04:07,294
[ cheers and applause ]

2074
01:04:16,693 --> 01:04:17,326
>>> and now a holiday message

2075
01:04:17,393 --> 01:04:17,893
From the kardashians.

2076
01:04:17,961 --> 01:04:20,162
[ in unison ]

2077
01:04:20,230 --> 01:04:20,729
>>> hey, everybody.

2078
01:04:20,797 --> 01:04:21,597
>> hi.

2079
01:04:21,664 --> 01:04:22,998
>> I'm kim, and in the spirit of

2080
01:04:23,066 --> 01:04:23,732
The holiday, I'm dressed as sexy

2081
01:04:23,800 --> 01:04:26,702
Santa.

2082
01:04:26,769 --> 01:04:28,103
>> I'm kourtney, and I'm also

2083
01:04:28,171 --> 01:04:30,105
Dressed as sexy santa.

2084
01:04:30,173 --> 01:04:31,807
>> and I'm khloe, and I'm

2085
01:04:31,875 --> 01:04:36,345
Dressed as santa.

2086
01:04:36,412 --> 01:04:38,347
[ laughter ]

2087
01:04:38,414 --> 01:04:40,082
[ in unison ]

2088
01:04:40,149 --> 01:04:40,649
>> ho, ho, ho!.

2089
01:04:40,717 --> 01:04:41,216
[ laughter ]

2090
01:04:41,284 --> 01:04:42,050
>> after such a busy year, we

2091
01:04:42,118 --> 01:04:42,918
Wanted to take some time off

2092
01:04:42,986 --> 01:04:48,857
From doing -- whatever it is we

2093
01:04:48,925 --> 01:04:50,025
Do to wish everyone happy

2094
01:04:50,093 --> 01:04:51,159
Holidays.

2095
01:04:51,227 --> 01:04:52,027
>> so to all our friends, merry

2096
01:04:52,095 --> 01:04:54,263
Christmas.

2097
01:04:54,330 --> 01:04:55,697
>> to all our agents and

2098
01:04:55,765 --> 01:04:57,699
Managers, happy hanukkah.

2099
01:04:57,767 --> 01:04:59,401
[ laughter ]

2100
01:04:59,469 --> 01:05:01,670
>> and to all our boyfriends,

2101
01:05:01,738 --> 01:05:02,537
Have a great kwanzaa.

2102
01:05:02,605 --> 01:05:06,508
[ laughter ]

2103
01:05:06,576 --> 01:05:08,510
>> we've been having so much fun

2104
01:05:08,578 --> 01:05:09,278
At the kardashian household this

2105
01:05:09,345 --> 01:05:12,514
Year.

2106
01:05:12,582 --> 01:05:13,348
We even went to visit santa.

2107
01:05:13,416 --> 01:05:14,116
>> I sat on his lap and told him

2108
01:05:14,183 --> 01:05:16,752
What I wanted.

2109
01:05:16,819 --> 01:05:17,619
>> I did the same thing with

2110
01:05:17,687 --> 01:05:21,023
Reggie bush.

2111
01:05:21,090 --> 01:05:21,857
[ laughter ]

2112
01:05:21,925 --> 01:05:22,724
I got a rolex.

2113
01:05:22,792 --> 01:05:27,496
[ laughter ]

2114
01:05:27,563 --> 01:05:29,464
>> this year literally count

2115
01:05:29,532 --> 01:05:30,565
Your blessings.

2116
01:05:30,633 --> 01:05:32,467
I'm thankful for a new line of

2117
01:05:32,535 --> 01:05:32,834
Perfume.

2118
01:05:32,902 --> 01:05:36,204
>> I'm thankful for our workout

2119
01:05:36,272 --> 01:05:36,471
Dvd.

2120
01:05:36,539 --> 01:05:38,373
>> and I'm thankful that four

2121
01:05:38,441 --> 01:05:39,641
Years ago my sister made a sex

2122
01:05:39,709 --> 01:05:41,910
Tape with brandy's brother, and

2123
01:05:41,978 --> 01:05:42,611
Now our whole family has seen

2124
01:05:42,679 --> 01:05:44,880
It.

2125
01:05:44,948 --> 01:05:49,418
>> I had fun.

2126
01:05:49,485 --> 01:05:51,053
>> in conclusion, literally

2127
01:05:51,120 --> 01:05:52,587
Merry christmas from me.

2128
01:05:52,655 --> 01:05:52,955
>> and me.

2129
01:05:53,022 --> 01:05:56,224
>> and us.

2130
01:05:56,292 --> 01:06:05,100
>> me and my buds.

2131
01:06:05,168 --> 01:06:06,001
Butt.

2132
01:06:06,069 --> 01:06:06,668
>> this has been a holiday

2133
01:06:06,736 --> 01:06:07,369
Message from the kardashians.

2134
01:06:07,437 --> 01:06:08,003
[ applause ]

2135
01:06:18,038 --> 01:06:23,009
>>> thanks to eminem, lil wayne,

2136
01:06:23,010 --> 01:06:25,044
Cookie monster!

2137
01:06:25,045 --> 01:06:29,315
Happy birthday!

2138
01:06:29,383 --> 01:06:30,049
"Saturday night live" cast and

2139
01:06:30,117 --> 01:06:30,716
Crew!