1 00:00:03,202 --> 00:00:04,168 NARRATOR: Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby, 2 00:00:04,169 --> 00:00:05,536 they went a t ttle crazy. 3 00:00:05,537 --> 00:00:07,772 We've been trying and trying, 4 00:00:07,773 --> 00:00:10,441 and still nothing's happened. 5 00:00:10,442 --> 00:00:13,244 I'm just worried we can't have children. 6 00:00:13,245 --> 00:00:14,712 And how long have you been trying? 7 00:00:14,713 --> 00:00:16,681 Six days. 8 00:00:16,682 --> 00:00:18,850 Oy. 9 00:00:18,851 --> 00:00:22,387 But then, months went by, and still nothing happened. 10 00:00:22,388 --> 00:00:23,621 Something must be wrong. 11 00:00:23,622 --> 00:00:25,823 W-We're doing it a lot. 12 00:00:25,824 --> 00:00:27,091 And everywhere-- 13 00:00:27,092 --> 00:00:30,261 the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, 14 00:00:30,262 --> 00:00:32,797 outside in your wait-- the kitchen. 15 00:00:32,798 --> 00:00:34,032 LILY: Seriously, Doc, 16 00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:35,967 why isn't this happening? Look, 17 00:00:35,968 --> 00:00:37,936 if you're really worried, here is a number 18 00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:41,706 for a reproductive endocrinologist-- Dr. Stangel. 19 00:00:41,707 --> 00:00:43,942 He's the best in the city. MARSHALL: Dr. John Stangel? 20 00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:46,210 I don't know, baby, do we really need a specialist? 21 00:00:46,211 --> 00:00:48,179 Well, what's your plan, Marshall, 22 00:00:48,180 --> 00:00:51,582 just have unprotected sex day after day after day 23 00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:52,884 in every position imaginable 24 00:00:52,885 --> 00:00:54,419 until...? 25 00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:57,555 Wait, it sounded worse in my head. 26 00:00:57,556 --> 00:00:59,557 Guys, we've got a problem. 27 00:00:59,558 --> 00:01:00,858 This is the application 28 00:01:00,859 --> 00:01:01,960 for the regional doubles 29 00:01:01,961 --> 00:01:03,861 laser tag tournament 30 00:01:03,862 --> 00:01:05,196 in Poughkeepsie. 31 00:01:05,197 --> 00:01:07,665 Problem is, only one of you can be my partner. 32 00:01:07,666 --> 00:01:09,968 So it looks like we've got a bake-off. 33 00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:11,869 You may now present your arguments. 34 00:01:11,870 --> 00:01:13,938 I'm not playing laser tag. I'm absolutely not playing laser tag. 35 00:01:13,939 --> 00:01:15,006 Damn it. And Marshall's 36 00:01:15,007 --> 00:01:17,075 the winner. 37 00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:19,043 Well, I'm gonna call Dr. Stangel. 38 00:01:19,044 --> 00:01:20,511 It can't hurt. 39 00:01:20,512 --> 00:01:23,314 NARRATOR: So Aunt Lily went to see Dr. John Stangel, the man 40 00:01:23,315 --> 00:01:24,983 who knew more about human reproduction 41 00:01:24,984 --> 00:01:26,985 than anyone in New York City. 42 00:01:26,986 --> 00:01:30,488 So I understand you want to get pregnant. 43 00:01:32,783 --> 00:01:38,783 Transcript by Addic7ed.com 44 00:01:48,035 --> 00:01:49,068 Yeah, and it cuts in and out. Ooh! 45 00:01:49,069 --> 00:01:50,904 How did you do it? 46 00:01:50,905 --> 00:01:53,840 Oh, God, you found one of the cameras. 47 00:01:53,841 --> 00:01:55,108 I swear that's the only one. 48 00:01:55,109 --> 00:01:56,342 Wait, which one did you find? 49 00:01:56,343 --> 00:01:57,443 What are you talking about? 50 00:01:57,444 --> 00:01:59,078 What are you talking about? 51 00:01:59,079 --> 00:02:02,549 My visit to a certain Dr. Stangel. 52 00:02:02,550 --> 00:02:04,150 We'll look at all the factors that contribute 53 00:02:04,151 --> 00:02:07,420 to fertility: dietary, environmental, genetic. 54 00:02:07,421 --> 00:02:09,622 But first, Ms. Aldrin, 55 00:02:09,623 --> 00:02:11,291 do you have any questions 56 00:02:11,292 --> 00:02:12,492 for me? 57 00:02:12,493 --> 00:02:15,161 Just one, "Dr. Stangel." 58 00:02:15,162 --> 00:02:16,796 Where'd you get the beard? 59 00:02:16,797 --> 00:02:21,201 Well, m-my mother's Armenian. 60 00:02:21,202 --> 00:02:24,270 Lily, I've been with Barney since 9:00 a.m. 61 00:02:24,271 --> 00:02:26,105 Between the sexual harassment seminar all morning 62 00:02:26,106 --> 00:02:28,341 and the secretary beauty pageant all afternoon, 63 00:02:28,342 --> 00:02:30,476 he hasn't left my sight. 64 00:02:30,477 --> 00:02:32,912 Wait, so you weren't wearing a fake beard 65 00:02:32,913 --> 00:02:34,981 and examining girl parts all day? 66 00:02:34,982 --> 00:02:37,116 Not today I wasn't. 67 00:02:37,117 --> 00:02:39,385 Wow, we finally found Barney's doppelg nger. 68 00:02:39,386 --> 00:02:41,187 I guess we can tell you now, Lily. 69 00:02:41,188 --> 00:02:44,724 That hot dog guy did not look like Barney. 70 00:02:44,725 --> 00:02:45,892 Uh, Marshall? 71 00:02:45,893 --> 00:02:47,227 Yes, I know, we made our little deal 72 00:02:47,228 --> 00:02:48,528 with the universe, but... 73 00:02:48,529 --> 00:02:50,964 No, we've made a binding covenant with the universe. 74 00:02:50,965 --> 00:02:52,999 We said we weren't going to try to have kids 75 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,301 until we saw Barney's doppelg nger. 76 00:02:55,302 --> 00:02:56,603 Oh, this is bad news. 77 00:02:56,604 --> 00:03:01,040 This is like a black cat walked through my uterus. 78 00:03:01,041 --> 00:03:01,941 Okay, that's it. 79 00:03:01,942 --> 00:03:03,543 I am going back to Dr. Stangel 80 00:03:03,544 --> 00:03:04,844 and getting thoroughly checked out. 81 00:03:04,845 --> 00:03:05,812 Or-- 82 00:03:05,813 --> 00:03:07,881 or cost-saving alternative: 83 00:03:07,882 --> 00:03:10,950 you could get checked out by someone who looks just like him. 84 00:03:10,951 --> 00:03:13,086 I'm gonna go scrub up; I'll meet you in stall three. 85 00:03:14,755 --> 00:03:16,589 LILY: I still 86 00:03:16,590 --> 00:03:17,924 kind of think it's Barney. 87 00:03:17,925 --> 00:03:19,792 There's no way it's Barney. 88 00:03:19,793 --> 00:03:21,461 Hello, you must be Mr. Eriksen. 89 00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:23,096 I am Dr. Stangel. 90 00:03:23,097 --> 00:03:24,230 It's Barney. 91 00:03:24,231 --> 00:03:25,798 Wow. 92 00:03:25,799 --> 00:03:28,835 Really, dude, bravo. 93 00:03:28,836 --> 00:03:30,336 You almost got a peek. 94 00:03:30,337 --> 00:03:31,571 But seriously, 95 00:03:31,572 --> 00:03:34,274 what second-rate community theater did you get...? 96 00:03:34,275 --> 00:03:36,342 Would you...? I... 97 00:03:38,178 --> 00:03:40,680 So my wife and I are trying to get pregnant. 98 00:03:42,983 --> 00:03:44,083 All right, Ms. Aldrin, please just put 99 00:03:44,084 --> 00:03:45,251 your feet up in the stirrups. 100 00:03:45,252 --> 00:03:46,686 We can begin. 101 00:03:46,687 --> 00:03:47,654 Uh-uh, no. 102 00:03:47,655 --> 00:03:49,555 Can't do it. No, but, baby, 103 00:03:49,556 --> 00:03:50,990 I yanked on his beard. 104 00:03:50,991 --> 00:03:52,292 He checks out. 105 00:03:52,293 --> 00:03:53,860 I really don't have time for this. No, Barney-- 106 00:03:53,861 --> 00:03:55,962 Doctor, wait, please, it's... 107 00:03:55,963 --> 00:03:57,664 Can you just give us a couple minutes? 108 00:03:57,665 --> 00:03:58,831 I... (groans) Lily, 109 00:03:58,832 --> 00:04:02,936 how can I convince you that this is not Barney? 110 00:04:04,104 --> 00:04:06,406 Wow, it is like looking 111 00:04:06,407 --> 00:04:09,275 into a poorly dressed mirror. 112 00:04:14,248 --> 00:04:16,516 Okay, you have to go. 113 00:04:18,686 --> 00:04:21,487 Leave the model of the vagina. 114 00:04:22,423 --> 00:04:24,424 Okay. 115 00:04:24,425 --> 00:04:25,591 Convinced. 116 00:04:25,592 --> 00:04:27,260 Great. All right, 117 00:04:27,261 --> 00:04:29,095 you're a little low on the table. Please scoot up. 118 00:04:29,096 --> 00:04:30,797 "Suit up"-- not convinced. 119 00:04:30,798 --> 00:04:33,066 This whole thing stinks to high heaven. 120 00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:35,068 Baby, you just saw Barney. 121 00:04:35,069 --> 00:04:37,770 He could have pulled some crazy switch. 122 00:04:37,771 --> 00:04:40,573 Remember when his Swedish cousin came to visit? 123 00:04:40,574 --> 00:04:42,508 Oh, yeah-- Bjorney. 124 00:04:42,509 --> 00:04:46,245 Yeah, I'm sorry, but unless I see Barney at the same time, 125 00:04:46,246 --> 00:04:49,816 I-I'll never be sure that Dr. Stangel isn't him. 126 00:04:51,085 --> 00:04:52,218 How you doing, Lily?! 127 00:04:52,219 --> 00:04:54,654 Should I have a boner?! 128 00:04:54,655 --> 00:04:55,788 Okay, we're all done. 129 00:04:55,789 --> 00:04:57,523 I'll call you in a few days with the results. 130 00:04:57,524 --> 00:04:58,825 Thank you. 131 00:04:58,826 --> 00:05:00,860 Hey, you don't mind if I take pictures, do you?! 132 00:05:00,861 --> 00:05:04,063 Can we leave him in here for a while? 133 00:05:04,064 --> 00:05:05,031 I'm done for the day. 134 00:05:05,032 --> 00:05:06,432 You can leave him in here all night. 135 00:05:06,433 --> 00:05:10,470 Aw, yeah. 136 00:05:10,471 --> 00:05:12,638 Smile for the birdie, Lil! 137 00:05:12,639 --> 00:05:13,906 (laughs) 138 00:05:13,907 --> 00:05:16,809 (à la Jimmie Walker): Gyno-mite! 139 00:05:16,810 --> 00:05:18,945 NARRATOR: Now, while all this was going on, 140 00:05:18,946 --> 00:05:22,181 your Aunt Robin was starting her new job at World Wide News, 141 00:05:22,182 --> 00:05:23,583 aka the big leagues. 142 00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:24,851 She was excited. 143 00:05:24,852 --> 00:05:26,019 This job was a new start, 144 00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:27,720 a clean slate. (sighs) 145 00:05:27,721 --> 00:05:30,456 So, first day of work? 146 00:05:30,457 --> 00:05:32,558 (blows raspberry) 147 00:05:32,559 --> 00:05:35,161 Everyone, say hello to your new research associate 148 00:05:35,162 --> 00:05:36,195 Robin Scherbatsky. 149 00:05:36,196 --> 00:05:38,031 Hi, guys. Welcome. 150 00:05:38,032 --> 00:05:40,066 Oh, here comes our new Hardfire host. 151 00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:43,236 Robin, this is Sandy Rivers. 152 00:05:43,237 --> 00:05:44,971 Sandy Rivers?! 153 00:05:44,972 --> 00:05:46,339 NARRATOR: Sandy Rivers-- 154 00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:48,741 Robin's old cohost and my old nemesis. 155 00:05:48,742 --> 00:05:50,810 We should have sex. 156 00:05:50,811 --> 00:05:52,812 Oh, I hate that guy. 157 00:05:52,813 --> 00:05:54,147 It gets worse. 158 00:05:54,148 --> 00:05:55,548 Sandy, this is... 159 00:05:55,549 --> 00:05:57,216 Robin. 160 00:05:57,217 --> 00:05:59,285 You two know each other? Know each other? 161 00:05:59,286 --> 00:06:00,319 We've had sex. 162 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,821 TED: You had sex 163 00:06:01,822 --> 00:06:03,189 with Sandy Rivers? 164 00:06:03,190 --> 00:06:04,524 No! Ugh! 165 00:06:04,525 --> 00:06:06,692 And I can't believe it's my first day, 166 00:06:06,693 --> 00:06:09,529 and already I'm the girl who slept with the host of the show. 167 00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:10,763 Already? 168 00:06:10,764 --> 00:06:12,365 Were you planning on eventually sleeping with the host? 169 00:06:12,366 --> 00:06:14,901 Well, now that I know it's Sandy, I'm not. 170 00:06:17,738 --> 00:06:19,005 (groans) 171 00:06:19,006 --> 00:06:20,006 Hey, babe. 172 00:06:20,007 --> 00:06:21,174 Hi, honey. 173 00:06:21,175 --> 00:06:22,909 There's a couple messages on the machine. 174 00:06:22,910 --> 00:06:24,110 Your dad called. 175 00:06:24,111 --> 00:06:26,112 He wants to know if you have any sixes. 176 00:06:26,113 --> 00:06:28,881 Yeah, uh, we got a game of "Go Fish" going on the phone. 177 00:06:28,882 --> 00:06:30,116 P.S., Pops, go fish. 178 00:06:30,117 --> 00:06:31,517 (chuckles) 179 00:06:33,954 --> 00:06:35,621 Who's the second message from? 180 00:06:35,622 --> 00:06:37,290 Dr. Stangel's office. 181 00:06:37,291 --> 00:06:40,359 I'm extremely fertile. You're extremely fertile! 182 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:41,494 Oh, my God. 183 00:06:41,495 --> 00:06:43,262 I told you there was nothing to worry about. 184 00:06:43,263 --> 00:06:45,364 I got to call my dad and tell him the good news. 185 00:06:46,733 --> 00:06:51,604 ANNOUNCER: ...puts the ball on the 44-yard-line. 186 00:06:55,242 --> 00:06:59,145 If you're fertile, um, then that means I'm the problem. 187 00:07:04,847 --> 00:07:06,081 Okay, now you're being ridiculous. 188 00:07:06,082 --> 00:07:07,482 An hour ago, you didn't even think 189 00:07:07,483 --> 00:07:08,517 there was a problem. 190 00:07:08,518 --> 00:07:10,352 Well, I was just putting on a brave face. 191 00:07:10,353 --> 00:07:12,821 Okay, think about it: we've had unprotected sex 192 00:07:12,822 --> 00:07:15,991 203 times in the past four months. 193 00:07:15,992 --> 00:07:18,527 Obviously I'm the problem. 194 00:07:18,528 --> 00:07:19,528 Problem?! 195 00:07:19,529 --> 00:07:20,829 You can't get a girl pregnant. 196 00:07:20,830 --> 00:07:21,930 That's the dream. 197 00:07:21,931 --> 00:07:23,165 I'd give my firstborn 198 00:07:23,166 --> 00:07:26,301 to not be able to have children. 199 00:07:27,436 --> 00:07:30,038 So, second day of work? 200 00:07:30,039 --> 00:07:31,773 (blows raspberry) 201 00:07:31,774 --> 00:07:32,841 What's wrong? 202 00:07:32,842 --> 00:07:34,676 Oh, you didn't hear? She's the office slut. 203 00:07:34,677 --> 00:07:35,677 Already? 204 00:07:35,678 --> 00:07:37,112 Oh, honey. 205 00:07:37,113 --> 00:07:39,915 I wish I was the office slut. 206 00:07:39,916 --> 00:07:44,252 And we can explore how those policy changes will affect Iraq. 207 00:07:44,253 --> 00:07:46,655 Yes. 208 00:07:46,656 --> 00:07:48,690 We definitely had sex. 209 00:07:48,691 --> 00:07:50,125 We did not have sex. 210 00:07:50,126 --> 00:07:51,793 Then why do I remember you? 211 00:07:51,794 --> 00:07:55,730 I don't know, maybe because I'm a smart, talented, professional. 212 00:07:55,731 --> 00:07:57,299 No, none of those. 213 00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:58,333 Oh, I remember. 214 00:07:58,334 --> 00:08:00,435 We didn't have sex. 215 00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:01,770 Thank you. 216 00:08:01,771 --> 00:08:03,705 You're the girl who did the report 217 00:08:03,706 --> 00:08:04,673 on the carriage driver 218 00:08:04,674 --> 00:08:07,042 and slipped and fell in horse poop... 219 00:08:07,043 --> 00:08:08,043 We did have sex. 220 00:08:08,044 --> 00:08:10,045 Oh, I-I remember now. 221 00:08:10,046 --> 00:08:11,112 Gregory, 222 00:08:11,113 --> 00:08:13,949 do me a favor. 223 00:08:13,950 --> 00:08:16,384 But this reporter takes pride in-- whoa! 224 00:08:16,385 --> 00:08:19,187 (all guffawing) 225 00:08:19,188 --> 00:08:21,189 And now everyone calls me Scherpoopie. 226 00:08:21,190 --> 00:08:22,791 (guffawing) 227 00:08:22,792 --> 00:08:24,359 It's not funny. Robin, 228 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,927 a word of advice: play along. 229 00:08:25,928 --> 00:08:28,463 Okay, the more you fight it, the worse it's going to get. 230 00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:29,931 It's like when your car slides on ice, 231 00:08:29,932 --> 00:08:31,499 you steer into the skid. MARSHALL: Mm-hmm. 232 00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:32,634 BARNEY: Exactly! 233 00:08:32,635 --> 00:08:34,069 Or when your-- I don't know-- 234 00:08:34,070 --> 00:08:35,804 friend invites you to a laser tag tournament, 235 00:08:35,805 --> 00:08:36,805 you don't fight it. 236 00:08:36,806 --> 00:08:38,373 You just strap on the vinyl holster 237 00:08:38,374 --> 00:08:39,874 and race into that abandoned JCPenney 238 00:08:39,875 --> 00:08:41,443 guns a-blazin'. 239 00:08:42,578 --> 00:08:43,778 I'm just agreeing with Ted. 240 00:08:43,779 --> 00:08:45,080 (phone rings) 241 00:08:45,081 --> 00:08:47,649 Oh, it's my dad. 242 00:08:47,650 --> 00:08:50,685 (line ringing) 243 00:08:51,954 --> 00:08:52,954 Aren't you going to get it? 244 00:08:52,955 --> 00:08:54,623 No, no, you know what? 245 00:08:54,624 --> 00:08:56,791 Um, I'm gonna get my stuff checked out first. 246 00:08:56,792 --> 00:08:57,859 I'll call my dad 247 00:08:57,860 --> 00:09:00,195 after Dr. Stangel gives me the thumbs up. 248 00:09:00,196 --> 00:09:02,731 Ew! He has to do that? 249 00:09:02,732 --> 00:09:05,233 But I thought you talk to your dad about everything. 250 00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:07,302 I only like to call my dad with good news. 251 00:09:07,303 --> 00:09:08,603 I mean, telling him good news 252 00:09:08,604 --> 00:09:10,772 is what makes it feel real to me. 253 00:09:10,773 --> 00:09:12,173 I'm getting married! 254 00:09:12,174 --> 00:09:14,009 Yeah...! 255 00:09:14,010 --> 00:09:15,510 I passed the bar! 256 00:09:15,511 --> 00:09:17,312 All right! 257 00:09:17,313 --> 00:09:18,947 I found an amazing Viking lamp 258 00:09:18,948 --> 00:09:20,415 that fits right on the coffee table, 259 00:09:20,416 --> 00:09:22,584 as long as we don't mind stepping over the cord. 260 00:09:22,585 --> 00:09:24,886 That's what I'm talking about! Right?! 261 00:09:24,887 --> 00:09:27,489 I found someone who can fix the Viking lamp! 262 00:09:27,490 --> 00:09:30,659 (shouts) 263 00:09:30,660 --> 00:09:32,527 But the news that I might not be able 264 00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:33,928 to give him a grandchild? 265 00:09:33,929 --> 00:09:35,930 You know, like, I don't even know 266 00:09:35,931 --> 00:09:37,766 how to have that conversation. 267 00:09:37,767 --> 00:09:40,502 I'll show you. 268 00:09:40,503 --> 00:09:43,605 "Dad, there's, uh, there's something I need to tell you, 269 00:09:43,606 --> 00:09:46,708 "and it's going to come as a bit of a shock to you, 270 00:09:46,709 --> 00:09:48,843 "but here goes. 271 00:09:48,844 --> 00:09:50,011 "You are speaking 272 00:09:50,012 --> 00:09:53,982 to the 2011 Tri-County Laser Tag Co-Champion." 273 00:09:53,983 --> 00:09:56,284 Barney, I've already told... "Oh, and my sperm don't work. 274 00:09:56,285 --> 00:09:57,385 "Yeah, yeah, 275 00:09:57,386 --> 00:10:00,388 the laser tag thing is awesome." 276 00:10:02,525 --> 00:10:05,760 So, third day of work? 277 00:10:05,761 --> 00:10:07,962 (blows raspberry) 278 00:10:07,963 --> 00:10:09,464 And the fertilizer is seeping 279 00:10:09,465 --> 00:10:11,333 into the ground water, causing... 280 00:10:11,334 --> 00:10:14,069 Is Scherpoopie pitching a story about manure? 281 00:10:14,070 --> 00:10:16,004 (laughter) 282 00:10:16,005 --> 00:10:17,339 Genius. 283 00:10:17,340 --> 00:10:21,076 Okay, yes, I, uh, I fell into some manure. 284 00:10:21,077 --> 00:10:22,677 It's hilarious, fine. 285 00:10:22,678 --> 00:10:24,946 In a five-year career of on-air reports, 286 00:10:24,947 --> 00:10:27,549 there are bound to be a few embarrassing moments. 287 00:10:27,550 --> 00:10:29,384 A few? 288 00:10:29,385 --> 00:10:33,054 Uh, but in my case, it was just the one, 289 00:10:33,055 --> 00:10:35,824 and you found it, so, uh... 290 00:10:35,825 --> 00:10:37,225 Just the one. 291 00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:41,096 Gregory. 292 00:10:41,097 --> 00:10:42,230 Oh, God. 293 00:10:42,231 --> 00:10:44,265 What did they find? 294 00:10:44,266 --> 00:10:47,102 (Robin sighs, "Let's Go to the Mall" fades in) 295 00:10:48,938 --> 00:10:51,406 Everything. 296 00:10:51,407 --> 00:10:55,510 ♪ Everybody, come and play ♪ 297 00:10:55,511 --> 00:10:58,513 I'm a dirty, dirty girl. ? Throw every last care away ? 298 00:10:58,514 --> 00:10:59,581 (retching) 299 00:10:59,582 --> 00:11:03,752 ♪ Let's go to the mall today ♪ 300 00:11:03,753 --> 00:11:05,253 ♪ Today, today ♪ 301 00:11:05,254 --> 00:11:07,555 The Federal Reserve Board voted to leave interest... 302 00:11:07,556 --> 00:11:09,290 ♪ Let's go to the mall ♪ 303 00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:11,359 ♪ Today ♪ ♪ Let's go to the ma-a-all ♪ 304 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,962 Aah. ? Let's got to the mall today ? 305 00:11:13,963 --> 00:11:15,330 ♪ Let's go to the ma-a-all ♪ Today ♪ 306 00:11:15,331 --> 00:11:16,898 ♪ Let's go to the mall ♪ 307 00:11:16,899 --> 00:11:18,333 ♪ Today ♪ ♪ Let's go to the ma-a-all ♪ 308 00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:20,635 ♪ Today... ♪ ♪ Let's go to the mall... ♪ 309 00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:23,872 They even found the video of me getting attacked by an owl. 310 00:11:23,873 --> 00:11:25,573 You got attacked by an owl? 311 00:11:25,574 --> 00:11:27,776 I did not get attacked by an owl. 312 00:11:27,777 --> 00:11:29,978 Robin, listen, here's what you need to do-- 313 00:11:29,979 --> 00:11:32,814 Okay, don't you dare tell me to steer into the skid, okay? 314 00:11:32,815 --> 00:11:36,184 It's too late. I'm already wrapped around a hydro pole. 315 00:11:36,919 --> 00:11:38,086 It's a Canadian telephone pole. 316 00:11:38,087 --> 00:11:40,722 I never should have taken this job. 317 00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:43,358 Kids, at that moment, I knew what I had to do 318 00:11:43,359 --> 00:11:44,559 for my friend Robin. 319 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,795 But first I had to do something for me. 320 00:11:46,796 --> 00:11:50,398 Show me "owl attack." 321 00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:53,368 I am freaking out. 322 00:11:53,369 --> 00:11:55,270 Is there a chance that I can't have kids? 323 00:11:55,271 --> 00:11:57,238 I've been hit in the nuts a lot. 324 00:11:57,239 --> 00:11:59,674 Well, we won't know anything until we run some tests. 325 00:11:59,675 --> 00:12:01,543 We'll need a sample of your sperm. 326 00:12:01,544 --> 00:12:03,211 No, no, no. 327 00:12:03,212 --> 00:12:04,245 There's a room at the end of the hall. 328 00:12:04,246 --> 00:12:05,480 If you find yourself 329 00:12:05,481 --> 00:12:07,715 inside the elevator, you've gone too far. 330 00:12:07,716 --> 00:12:08,783 You'd think I wouldn't have to say that, 331 00:12:08,784 --> 00:12:09,918 but you'd be surprised. 332 00:12:15,324 --> 00:12:16,658 All yours, buddy. 333 00:12:26,735 --> 00:12:30,104 The thing you're about to do in here-- 334 00:12:30,105 --> 00:12:32,307 I did that in here, too. 335 00:12:32,308 --> 00:12:34,809 (whispering): Three minutes ago. 336 00:12:35,611 --> 00:12:38,513 I was here eight minutes ago. 337 00:12:38,514 --> 00:12:40,548 14 minutes ago. 338 00:12:41,317 --> 00:12:43,985 I'm here every Thursday. 339 00:12:43,986 --> 00:12:45,954 (screaming) 340 00:12:45,955 --> 00:12:48,957 I can't do it, Doc. 341 00:12:48,958 --> 00:12:50,391 Is there, like, another option? 342 00:12:50,392 --> 00:12:52,093 Could I... Could I take this home? 343 00:12:52,094 --> 00:12:53,728 Sure, you could, but, uh... 344 00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:55,964 we close in an hour and I'm not back till Tuesday. 345 00:12:55,965 --> 00:12:58,833 So, clock is ticking. Make it fast. 346 00:12:58,834 --> 00:13:02,403 Only way I know how, Doc. 347 00:13:02,404 --> 00:13:04,739 Only way I know how. 348 00:13:09,845 --> 00:13:11,112 Surprise! Surprise! 349 00:13:15,385 --> 00:13:17,086 Mom. Dad. Uh... 350 00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:18,321 What are you doing here? 351 00:13:18,322 --> 00:13:19,722 We hadn't heard from you in a couple days. 352 00:13:19,723 --> 00:13:21,057 We were worried about you. 353 00:13:21,058 --> 00:13:23,192 For God's sake, son. Do you have any sixes? 354 00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:24,660 Go fish. 355 00:13:24,661 --> 00:13:25,661 (chuckling) 356 00:13:25,662 --> 00:13:26,996 Excuse me. Hey, Lily, 357 00:13:26,997 --> 00:13:29,532 can I just talk to you in here for a minute? Oh, yeah. 358 00:13:29,533 --> 00:13:32,201 Isn't it great? They just showed up. 359 00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:34,403 Your mom's already rearranged my kitchen, 360 00:13:34,404 --> 00:13:36,472 organized my closet... 361 00:13:36,473 --> 00:13:38,374 and she asked me if I lost height. 362 00:13:38,375 --> 00:13:40,276 Not weight. Height. 363 00:13:40,277 --> 00:13:42,145 Yeah, I'm very excited that they're here, too. 364 00:13:42,146 --> 00:13:45,515 But right now, I have to get excited about something else. 365 00:13:45,516 --> 00:13:48,584 Oh, okay. Well, I'll go handle your parents. 366 00:13:48,585 --> 00:13:51,287 And you handle your, well... 367 00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:54,023 Wait, wait, wait. Marshall. 368 00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:57,293 Thank you, baby. You're the best. 369 00:14:00,597 --> 00:14:02,565 JUDY: Marshall. Marshall. 370 00:14:02,566 --> 00:14:05,835 I just got my new bathing suit for the beach this summer. 371 00:14:05,836 --> 00:14:08,271 It's a two-piece. I mean, can you imagine? 372 00:14:08,272 --> 00:14:09,806 Me in a two-piece 373 00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:11,307 bathing suit at my age? 374 00:14:11,308 --> 00:14:12,608 Just picture it! 375 00:14:12,609 --> 00:14:14,310 Picture it! 376 00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:15,878 That's why Fred Cox 377 00:14:15,879 --> 00:14:17,780 is the greatest kicker the Vikings ever had. 378 00:14:18,582 --> 00:14:21,584 Seriously, Marshall, picture it. 379 00:14:21,585 --> 00:14:23,152 Just picture it. 380 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:24,620 Give me a "C." Give me an "O." 381 00:14:24,621 --> 00:14:25,822 Give me an "X." 382 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:28,224 What's that spell? Cox! Cox! 383 00:14:28,225 --> 00:14:31,194 Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! 384 00:14:31,195 --> 00:14:33,162 Uh... 385 00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:36,332 Okay, I did a bad thing last night. 386 00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,434 I looked up his address. 387 00:14:38,435 --> 00:14:41,037 Who? (laughing) 388 00:14:41,038 --> 00:14:42,872 Sorry. You said "who." 389 00:14:42,873 --> 00:14:44,440 It reminded me of the owl footage. 390 00:14:44,441 --> 00:14:45,608 Genius. 391 00:14:45,609 --> 00:14:46,776 No. 392 00:14:46,777 --> 00:14:48,711 Sandy. How dare he laugh at you. 393 00:14:48,712 --> 00:14:50,413 Who does he think... (laughing) 394 00:14:50,414 --> 00:14:51,781 Sorry. "Who." 395 00:14:52,649 --> 00:14:54,317 Anyway. 396 00:14:54,318 --> 00:14:55,918 I looked up his address in your contact list. 397 00:14:55,919 --> 00:14:57,887 Oh, God. Tell me you didn't go over there. 398 00:14:57,888 --> 00:15:00,623 I just thought he needed to listen to common sense 399 00:15:00,624 --> 00:15:02,124 and reasonable discourse. 400 00:15:02,125 --> 00:15:04,594 Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists. 401 00:15:04,595 --> 00:15:06,295 They're my feet. 402 00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:07,630 I'm actually more of a kicker. 403 00:15:08,432 --> 00:15:10,666 So I went to his apartment. 404 00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:14,637 (grunts, makes whooshing sounds along with gestures) 405 00:15:14,638 --> 00:15:16,906 (grunts in pain): Ah... 406 00:15:22,579 --> 00:15:24,881 You're not the pizza guy. 407 00:15:29,052 --> 00:15:30,920 Oh, my God. This is... 408 00:15:30,921 --> 00:15:33,589 This is how you make sure Sandy never makes fun of you again. 409 00:15:33,590 --> 00:15:36,359 I told you to steer into the skid. That was bad advice. 410 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:37,693 So new advice. 411 00:15:37,694 --> 00:15:40,096 Steer into Sandy, and run him down. 412 00:15:40,097 --> 00:15:43,099 If people found out Sandy wears a toupee... 413 00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:45,101 Really? That's your take-away? 414 00:15:45,102 --> 00:15:47,103 Nothing on the bear in the bra? 415 00:15:47,104 --> 00:15:48,604 Oh, no. He's very open about that. 416 00:15:48,605 --> 00:15:50,106 That's Gregory. 417 00:15:50,107 --> 00:15:51,474 Nice guy. 418 00:15:52,376 --> 00:15:54,410 And the top is so low-cut. 419 00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:55,845 Your father says he has 420 00:15:55,846 --> 00:15:58,714 front-row seats to the Minnesota Twins. 421 00:15:58,715 --> 00:16:00,283 Oh. Oh. 422 00:16:00,284 --> 00:16:01,918 By the way, Marshall, 423 00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:04,687 we do need to know if you're coming to Florida this summer. 424 00:16:04,688 --> 00:16:05,855 Are you coming? 425 00:16:05,856 --> 00:16:07,156 Marshall? 426 00:16:07,157 --> 00:16:09,859 Marshall, are you coming? 427 00:16:11,828 --> 00:16:14,130 This isn't working. 428 00:16:14,131 --> 00:16:15,631 Where you going, son? 429 00:16:15,632 --> 00:16:17,300 I'm-I'm going to... 430 00:16:17,301 --> 00:16:19,869 I'm-I'm going to... 431 00:16:19,870 --> 00:16:23,105 Kids, to this day, your uncle Marshall is thankful 432 00:16:23,106 --> 00:16:24,707 for what Lily said next. 433 00:16:24,708 --> 00:16:25,908 He's going to masturbate. 434 00:16:25,909 --> 00:16:27,076 Lily! 435 00:16:27,077 --> 00:16:29,111 Marshall, just tell them what's going on. 436 00:16:29,112 --> 00:16:33,182 And so Marshall told his parents everything. 437 00:16:33,183 --> 00:16:35,017 And so, now, I'm just scared 438 00:16:35,018 --> 00:16:37,119 that we won't be able to give you a grandchild. 439 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,388 Aw, Marshall. 440 00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:41,857 Hey, we don't care about that one bit. 441 00:16:41,858 --> 00:16:44,527 And if you guys want kids, 442 00:16:44,528 --> 00:16:45,962 there are other ways. 443 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,363 Adoption. 444 00:16:47,364 --> 00:16:50,933 Maybe you have a good friend who could loan you some sperm? 445 00:16:52,235 --> 00:16:54,637 Aw, yeah. 446 00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:56,339 (makes whooshing sounds with each kick) 447 00:16:56,340 --> 00:16:58,841 Maybe adoption. 448 00:16:58,842 --> 00:17:01,177 What I'm saying is, 449 00:17:01,178 --> 00:17:03,612 we love you no matter what. 450 00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:07,883 Now, why don't you pretend you're in high school, 451 00:17:07,884 --> 00:17:09,785 get back in that bathroom, 452 00:17:09,786 --> 00:17:12,321 and "blow dry your hair." 453 00:17:13,657 --> 00:17:14,890 Wait, you knew? 454 00:17:14,891 --> 00:17:17,593 We didn't have a hair dryer, dear. 455 00:17:17,594 --> 00:17:20,396 So? 456 00:17:20,397 --> 00:17:22,898 Possibly last day of work? 457 00:17:22,899 --> 00:17:25,768 Actually, it was a good day. 458 00:17:25,769 --> 00:17:27,069 And I need more numbers 459 00:17:27,070 --> 00:17:30,239 on how the holiday season impacted the economy. 460 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,409 Sparkles, got anything on malls? 461 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:35,778 (all laughing) 462 00:17:35,779 --> 00:17:37,780 Actually, Sandy, 463 00:17:37,781 --> 00:17:40,683 I have something I think you're all gonna want to see. 464 00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:44,453 Yes! Put him in a body bag! 465 00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:46,555 Hoo! Hoo! Hyah! 466 00:17:46,556 --> 00:17:48,257 Okay, I didn't do it. What? 467 00:17:48,258 --> 00:17:50,326 I didn't want to just viciously attack someone 468 00:17:50,327 --> 00:17:51,827 out of the blue like some kind of... 469 00:17:51,828 --> 00:17:53,896 Owl? Exactly. 470 00:17:53,897 --> 00:17:56,198 So, instead of taking your advice, 471 00:17:56,199 --> 00:17:57,800 I took your advice. 472 00:18:00,971 --> 00:18:03,973 That day, Robin decided to steer into the skid. 473 00:18:05,409 --> 00:18:07,443 And though she never quite shook the nickname, 474 00:18:07,444 --> 00:18:10,346 Sparkles went on to do very well at World Wide News. 475 00:18:10,347 --> 00:18:12,581 Especially after this happened. 476 00:18:12,582 --> 00:18:15,418 (man gasps, all laughing) 477 00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:20,289 After his parents had gone back to Minnesota, 478 00:18:20,290 --> 00:18:22,124 Marshall got the results of his test. 479 00:18:22,125 --> 00:18:25,127 I'm afraid I have some very bad news, Marshall. 480 00:18:26,663 --> 00:18:29,865 Judging from the results of your test, it is... 481 00:18:29,866 --> 00:18:32,835 it is very unlikely that you'll be able to father a child. 482 00:18:32,836 --> 00:18:34,970 Oh, God. 483 00:18:34,971 --> 00:18:36,305 I know, I know. 484 00:18:36,306 --> 00:18:37,873 It's just... 485 00:18:37,874 --> 00:18:40,176 Now... 486 00:18:40,177 --> 00:18:42,445 in some rare cases, a regimen change 487 00:18:42,446 --> 00:18:43,712 can fix the problem, 488 00:18:43,713 --> 00:18:47,149 so I'm recommending a spirited cardio routine. 489 00:18:47,150 --> 00:18:48,517 Preferably 490 00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:49,718 with a partner, 491 00:18:49,719 --> 00:18:52,221 involving any light-based firearm activity 492 00:18:52,222 --> 00:18:54,390 in the Tri-State area. 493 00:18:54,391 --> 00:18:57,193 Poughkeepsie, for example. 494 00:18:57,194 --> 00:18:58,994 Have you heard of the gentlemen's sport 495 00:18:58,995 --> 00:19:01,564 known as laser tag? 496 00:19:02,165 --> 00:19:03,566 Surprise! 497 00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:04,967 Damn it, Barney! 498 00:19:04,968 --> 00:19:07,002 What are you doing in here? 499 00:19:07,003 --> 00:19:08,571 Think about it, Marshall. 500 00:19:08,572 --> 00:19:10,806 All entrants get 20% off at the snack bar! 501 00:19:10,807 --> 00:19:12,441 Oh, BT-dub, 502 00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:13,676 the receptionist. What's her situation? 503 00:19:13,677 --> 00:19:16,445 Go! 504 00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:17,813 (sighs) 505 00:19:17,814 --> 00:19:19,014 Well, Marshall. 506 00:19:19,015 --> 00:19:20,716 I've got your results. 507 00:19:20,717 --> 00:19:22,785 And? 508 00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,754 Your sperm is fine. 509 00:19:25,755 --> 00:19:27,590 My sperm is fine! 510 00:19:27,591 --> 00:19:30,426 (all cheering) 511 00:19:30,427 --> 00:19:32,261 Count, motility... 512 00:19:32,262 --> 00:19:35,131 everything's off the charts. 513 00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:38,534 You, sir, have got some strong swimmers. 514 00:19:39,369 --> 00:19:40,436 Bro, that is awesome. 515 00:19:40,437 --> 00:19:42,238 Motility five! MARSHALL: Whoa! 516 00:19:42,239 --> 00:19:44,773 ROBIN: Nice. 517 00:19:44,774 --> 00:19:46,308 Hey, um, can I borrow your phone? 518 00:19:46,309 --> 00:19:48,477 I want to call my dad. Yeah, go ahead. 519 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,881 Man, this is great. 520 00:19:51,882 --> 00:19:53,516 I was expecting bad news. 521 00:19:53,517 --> 00:19:55,484 I really was. 522 00:20:00,423 --> 00:20:03,159 (phone ringing) 523 00:20:10,567 --> 00:20:12,801 You're here! Oh, my God! 524 00:20:12,802 --> 00:20:15,037 I love you so much! Can you believe it? 525 00:20:15,038 --> 00:20:18,340 Marshall... 526 00:20:18,341 --> 00:20:19,808 Something's happened. Um... 527 00:20:20,944 --> 00:20:24,046 Your father, he had a heart attack. 528 00:20:24,047 --> 00:20:28,284 He... He didn't make it. 529 00:20:28,285 --> 00:20:30,486 (sobbing) 530 00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:35,457 My dad's dead? 531 00:20:35,458 --> 00:20:37,326 (sniffling) 532 00:20:54,811 --> 00:20:56,946 I'm not ready for this.