You trying to save Frasier from me or are you trying to save him for yourself?
Are you out of your mind?
- Are you in love with him? - It's her or me.
Tell me now or I swear to God, I will walk out of here
and I will not come back.
There's no chance you'll change your mind again, is there?
No. KACL is ancient history.
Niles, I need to talk to you. You're not with Frasier, are you?
Why does everybody treat us like we're joined at the hip?
I do have coffee with people other than my brother.
Good, because I'm avoiding him.
Well, then talk fast. He's meeting me in five minutes.
It's about my new job. It's a nightmare.
- Well, didn't you just start today? - Yes.
My boss already hit on me.
I'm supposed to work nights and weekends.
And my assistant is an idiot and I can't fire her
because she's like three minorities rolled into one.
I can't believe I left KACL over some stupid snit.
Oh, yes, yes, your ultimatum. Frasier told me about that.
Listen, this isn't an easy subject to broach,
but is it possible you're in love with Frasier?
- Absolutely not. - You sound sure.
I am sure. If I were gonna fall for him,
it would've been two years ago when we slept together.
Well, then another theory I'd like to explore is... Whoa, back up.
You and Frasier slept together?
- He didn't tell you? - No.
Well, I suppose it's only natural. When the wolf and lamb work together,
it's only a matter of time before the wolf gets his way.
I hope you were gentle with him.
Just promise me you won't tell him I told you.
I promise. I promise. So you're not in love.
But your behaviour last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis.
- As a psychiatrist... - I just want my job back.
I'm not looking for some big therapy trip.
All right, well, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug
and waltz back to the station as if nothing ever happened?
- That's perfect. Thanks. - No, no.
I was being facetious. My real advice would be...
- I know. Talk about my feelings. - Yes.
Blah, blah, woof, woof. I gotta go, Niles. Thanks again.
DAPHNE: Oh, hey, Roz. MARTIN: Hi, Roz.
- Hello, darling. - Hey, you.
Well, we're all set.
I got us a home pregnancy test,
a basal body thermometer and ovulation kit.
NILES: Oh, perfect.
I can upload all your data into this fertility programme I bought.
Hmm. You kids sure know how to keep the romance alive.
Uh, two coffees, please.
Since when do you need a chemistry set to make a baby?
- I hear an "in my day" coming. - In my day, it was simple.
Girl would put on something slinky, guy comes home,
has a couple of pops, throws some Dean Martin on the hi-fi,
and bim, bam, boom, you're lighting a Lucky.
FRASIER: Dad, Daphne, hi. MARTIN: How are you doing?
Listen, Niles, I've got to cancel our dinner.
Have to meet Roz's replacement at the station before the show.
What's this?
Are you pregnant?
Oh. Not yet, but we're trying.
Well, congratulations. You've got all the fertility software and so forth?
Of course. We're not animals.
- We're very excited. - Yes, we were up half the night
imagining life with our first child.
Yeah, oh, well, first child you know about.
What does that mean?
Oh, it's not what you think, Daphne.
I was just referring to the time Niles sold his sperm to a sperm bank.
Surely you told her about it.
Off I go.
You sold your sperm?
Well, it was when I was home from medical school.
I saw an ad for sperm donors, so I sold my sperm to the sperm bank.
Would you stop using that word.
Say S.
I sold my S to earn some money
so I could buy Dad a Christmas present.
- Which present? - The fishing pole.
You bought that with S money?
Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, it was such a long time ago it completely slipped my mind.
- You're not upset, are you? - Of course I am.
That was my favourite pole.
I just thought this would be the first child for both of us.
Oh, you could be a daddy already.
There could be dozens of little Niles Cranes running around.
He could be your son. Or him.
Oh, please, they look nothing like me. Besides, I went down there one time.
It's possible they never used my sample.
- Can I borrow your sugar? DAPHNE: Yeah.
I'd better look into this.
There she is. Now, I gotta warn you, doc.
She's, uh, in an eelchair-way.
Does her handicap preclude her from understanding pig Latin?
Dr. Frasier Crane, king of the shrinks, meet Dana, queen of the sound board.
- Hello, Dana. - Oh, it's my pleasure.
Likewise, I'm sure.
Listen, if you have any questions, anything you'd like to know,
please feel free to call on me. I'm here for you.
- You know, actually, there was... - Will you excuse me?
- Julia. - Oh, hi, Frasier.
- We still on for dinner at Chez Henri? - Yes. Do you have reservations?
Not as long as you're wearing something black and slinky.
DANA: Ten seconds, Dr. Crane. - Ha, ha. Oh.
Listen, why don't you, uh, stop by my place tonight for a cocktail first?
- I'll see you at 7. - Okay.
Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Our topic today is:
New beginnings.
I'd like you all to join me in welcoming a new member to the KACL family.
- Hey, Kenny, sorry I'm late. - Hey, Roz.
- Whoa! What're you doing here? - I work here.
- You quit. - Oh, come on, Kenny.
If I quit, would I be here? Who's that?
I'm sorry. I hired her because I thought... Didn't you quit?
Kenny, what's wrong with you?
- Never mind, I'll fix it, like always. - Oh, thanks, Roz.
I owe you one.
As many of you may know, my producer of ten years, Roz Doyle,
has left us for greener pastures.
You know, Roz was not only known for her producing prowess,
but also for her warmth, her kindness and her gentle spirit.
Very well then, the beginning of a new era.
Let's go to our first caller.
- We have Scott on Line 2. - Wha... what?
WOMAN: Niles Crane.
Hi, I'll get you a cup and you can start...
Oh, uh, no, no. I've already donated my essence to your establishment.
Now I'd like to get it back.
I'm sorry, it's against our policy to return essences.
Oh, I see. Uh, well, could I at least check and see
whether my donation was used?
You know, see if my deposit has drawn any interest.
Sir, I've worked here 28 years.
Think you can tell me one I haven't heard?
Go ahead, try me.
No.
According to our records, your sample wasn't used.
So there are no little Niles Cranes running around. What a relief.
Isn't it?
Thank you for your time.
Just a quick question.
Based on my qualifications, I'd assumed there'd be some interest.
Any nibbles?
According to our records, your sample was discarded.
It was rated substandard.
Substandard?
Your sperm had very low motility.
- So they're... - Slow movers.
Really? But that was more than 20 years ago.
There's a chance that my situation's improved since then, isn't there?
Can you run faster now than you did 20 years ago?
So you're saying it might be difficult for my wife and me to conceive?
Very difficult, yes.
I'm sorry.
Uh, thank you.
MAN: Aah! NILES: Aah!
Excuse me, sir. Terribly sorry.
Carry on.
Eddie, you get stuck in there again and you're on your own.
- Hey, Niles. - Hey, Dad. Is Frasier here?
- Uh, primping. - Oh.
- Going out with Julia. - Right, right.
Daphne's out with her mom tonight, so I thought I'd borrow a DVD.
Oh, well, you're in luck. I just picked this one up.
Crime Scene Bloopers 4: You Have the Right to Remain Zany.
Ah. Sounds tempting, but, I'm, uh...
I'm looking for something a little more soothing.
- I didn't have the best day. - Oh. What happened?
Got some bad news at the S bank.
Apparently I suffer from low motility.
Oh, sorry, son.
How'd Daphne take it?
Well, I haven't had the heart to tell her yet but I'm hoping I won't have to.
I did some research today. There's things I can do
- to help rouse the troops. - Oh, yeah?
- Like what? - Well, such as wearing baggy pants.
And, uh, boxers instead of briefs.
Studies show that men who allow their genitals to swing freely...
Okay, I got it.
And, well, no hot baths, uh, no alcohol, raw seafood, uh...
And I've started a regimen of dietary supplements. Which reminds me...
Mm...
- What's that? - French maritime pine bark extract.
It boosts fertility and also acts as a mild euphoric,
which accounts for the well-known joviality of French sailors.
Terrible aftertaste, though. Mm.
MARTIN: Oh...
Thought those were supposed to be crunchy.
Oh, Niles. Dad, Julia's on her way.
- You told me you'd keep to your room. - Oh.
And take your Cheeto-stained dog with you.
MARTIN: Eddie, come on, boy.
I'll be... I'll be leaving too.
Niles, could you stay for just a moment?
There's something going on in my life that requires a bit of mulling. Sherry?
- No, thanks. FRASIER: No?
But we never mull without sherry.
Not for me.
Very well. Have a seat.
Uh, rather stand.
FRASIER: Suit yourself. Anyway,
it's about Roz.
After quitting her job, twice,
she shows up back at work again today, waist deep in a sea of denial.
Well, I confronted her on the issue...
What the hell are you doing?
- Sorry. Go on. - Anyway,
I confronted her on the issue, and she refused to discuss it with me.
She wouldn't even look me in the eye.
It leads me to just one conclusion, Niles.
She's in love with me.
Uh, I wouldn't necessarily jump to that conclusion.
Because you don't have all the facts.
I've never shared this with you before, Niles.
So brace yourself.
Two years ago, Roz and I slept together.
Get out. You and Roz?
We did have a chance to discuss it thoroughly.
Talk things out.
And at the time she seemed happy to remain friends.
But I realise now
that I must have kindled a spark in her
that lit the torch she carries to this day.
So, what do you think-f?
Are your pants humming?
It's my, uh, testicular hypothermia device.
It promotes motility by keeping my nether regions
at a cool and constant 96 degrees.
- Oh, dear. - No, that wasn't me.
- That's the door... - Yes, I know that.
- Oh, Julia, hi. Ha, ha. - Hello.
- Good to see you. What's all this? - Dinner.
I know we said we'd go out. But I thought it'd be more fun to stay in.
- Oh. What's in here? Is this dessert? - Well, you could call it that.
- Oh. - Ha, ha. Oh!
- Hello, Niles. - Hello.
- Well, I'll just go start dinner. - Fine.
Well. Looks like someone's getting lucky tonight.
She was but I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
Why?
Julia and I have never been together sexually.
Look what happened with Roz.
We slept together two years ago. She's still suffering.
In the sense of pining.
Well, Frasier, you don't really suppose that after one night,
- Julia would... - Oh, open your eyes, Niles.
It's the same scenario. An infatuated co-worker, a night of passion.
What if things don't work out between us?
Every day she'll be forced
to stare through the glass at me.
Wondering what might have been until one day, like Roz, she goes mad.
Um, I'm leaving now.
Can I pick you up anything on Earth?
FRASIER: No, Niles, don't you see?
I'm just trying to be responsible.
I don't wanna sleep with Julia until I know that there's a future for us.
I'm sure you'll make the right choice.
But if you'll permit me an observation, you do tend to take things to extremes.
Oh, I have to plug myself into my cigarette lighter and recharge.
JULIA: So
alone at last.
Yes.
But, you know, there's really no need for you to go to all this trouble.
We can still have dinner at Chez Henri.
No, dinner's coming along great.
In fact, um, I've got a little sauce right here if you wanna taste it.
Oh.
Well.
Mm.
That's yummy. Yes.
I've had such a stressful day.
- You know what'd feel great? - Hmm?
A backrub.
You know where I could find a pair of strong manly hands?
You know, I think Zoltan from the club makes house calls.
Let me get you his number.
Frasier, is everything all right?
Yes, of course.
Because if you're not interested, I...
Oh, no, no, no, I am, I am. I'm very interested. It's just that...
Before we take things to the next level,
you should know there are
certain risks.
Oh, my God, you've got
- a sexually transmitted disease. - No! No, no, of course not.
Of course not. Oh.
Although in a manner of speaking, well...
Oh. Excuse me.
- It's Roz. - What's she doing here?
I don't know.
Listen, just give us a moment or two together and I'll get rid of her.
Fine.
- Hey, Fras. - Hi, Roz.
Can I come in?
Yes.
Is everything okay?
Look, I know how crazy I've been acting lately.
You know, here last night and today at the radio sta-
I mean, I don't even understand it myself, but then I took this long walk
and I think I finally figured it out.
I just feel so stupid.
No, Roz.
Not stupid.
Human.
And all too vulnerable.
You realised that you're in love with me.
No, that's not it.
- Come on. - I can see why you think that
based on how I've been acting. But that's not it.
Okay, okay, just to be clear.
You haven't been pining over me since we slept together?
God, no. Weren't you there?
Stop.
Hold that thought. I've got to get in the kitchen
and move something back to the front burner.
- Julia. - Oh, let me guess.
- Roz is staying for dinner. - No, no, no. Uh, just us.
Listen, I'd like to apologise for being skittish earlier. I...
Just chalk it up to nerves.
I mean, after all, this is a big night for us.
We've never done this before.
I have.
Well, as have I. What I meant was...
- No, I know what you meant. - That's fine.
- So... - You're forgiven.
Thank you.
- Where were we? Oh. Oh, yes. - Ha, ha.
I believe we were about to sample some sauce.
Ow, ow! That's hot. Hot. Hot.
Oh, God. Look, I'll just go get rid of Roz.
You know, Roz, we've got so much to talk about.
We pick this up tomorrow over a cup of coffee.
ROZ: Okay. Thank God. Ha, ha!
You have quite the ego on you.
I mean, we slept together like two years ago.
What do you think, you're some kind of slow-acting, time-released love bomb?
I don't remember you having complaints when we were in bed.
I seem to recall hearing the term "stallion-like."
I never said that.
Well, one of us did.
- Okay, this is just too weird. - Julia.
No, this is obviously a bad night for you.
Oh, look, Roz was just leaving.
Well, I'll send the elevator back up for her.
No, Julia... Oh.
- Frasier, I'm so sorry about that. - No.
It's my fault. I never should have let you in.
Well, I guess I've given Julia another reason to hate me.
- Oh. She doesn't hate you, Roz. - Oh, well,
she doesn't like me. And when the girlfriend doesn't like the friend,
guess who gets the boot?
Oh, that's not always true.
I just went through this with my dad.
I was always really close to him.
Even after my parents split up and six months ago,
he married this woman I don't get along with,
and it's like I don't exist.
I'm sorry.
That's what I finally realised tonight.
I guess I saw Julia getting her hooks into you and I...
I freaked.
Roz, the day a woman tells me I can't be friends with you
is the day I know I picked the wrong woman.
Thanks, Frasier. Ha, ha.
Say, Julia has a dangerously hot meal cooking in the kitchen.
- Why don't you stay? - Oh, that sounds great. But wait.
She went to all this trouble to make dinner for you?
If she finds out I ate it, it'll kill her.
FRASIER: You can't tell her, Roz. - Come on, please?
Hello?
Hello.
Daphne.
What are you doing here? I thought you had plans tonight.
Who says I don't?
- Champagne? - Oh, sounds wonderful.
Uh, on second thought, not tonight.
I just thought you might like something to wash down these oysters.
Oh...
Actually, I'm avoiding raw seafood.
Would it be too much trouble to put them in a bisque?
Now?
I'm sorry. I'm just a little surprised by all this. Uh...
I thought I'd follow your father's advice.
A little less science, a little more romance.
And apparently it's working.
That would be my TestiCool 2000.
Your what?
I should have told you this earlier.
I had some disappointing news today.
Uh, it seems that I suffer from low motility
and it might not be possible for us to conceive.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't be sorry. We'll be all right.
There's so many things they can do these days
- to help infertile couples. - True.
And until we find out more,
I don't see why we don't give Mother Nature a shot.
- Ha. - I took the test today.
I'm ovulating.
- Mm... - Ha, ha.
Well, in that case, the last one upstairs is a ro...
Oh, Daph, this isn't the ovulation kit. It's the pregnancy test.
Oh, silly me. They look so much a...
We're pregnant.
Oh, my God, we are, aren't we?
But my slow sperm.
I must have fast eggs.
- Oh, Daphne, I love you. - I love you too.
Oh, that hurts. Oh. Ooh.
Uh, something seems to be short-circuiting. Ow, ooh!
That's your daddy.