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OK, you beautiful high school graduates, hold still.
I'm setting the timer now. Kenny, man up for Pete's sake.
You're right. You're right. I don't want to be teary-eyed in my Lilly's...
[sobbing] ...graduation picture!
Oh, real classy, Dad.
- OK, here we go. - [timer beeping]
- And... - [camera clicks]
Well, for heaven's sake!
All right.
- Second time's the charm! - Wait. Hold on.
[blowing nose]
Dad, Dad, you're embarrassing me.
And I'm paying for your college.
I'd like to think that earns me some emotional space.
- OK, here we go. - [camera beeping]
Dang flabbit!
OK, I think I've got it now.
- OK. And... - [beeping]
All right. Here I go.
[beeping]
It's not doing anything.
Can we not do this when I graduate from college?
You mean if you graduate.
[both mimicking] You mean if you graduate.
- Shut up! - Oh, cheese and biscuits!
They can send a man to the moon but they can't make a camera with a timer that...
- [camera clicks] - Oh, well, that just tears it!
Somebody get me a pad and pencil, I will sketch the dang picture.
Uh, can you draw me in? 'Cause I gotta go to the john.
- Honey, language. - Restroom.
I'm just gonna go guard the door.
I won't be able to do that when she's...
[sobbing] ...in college.
Darn camera. This thing is about as useful
as a blow dryer in a bald man's bathroom.
Just calm down. Let me take a look at it.
I would just like one nice picture with my grandbaby on her graduation.
Well, Mamaw, then maybe you shouldn't have bought your camera
at Uncle Bud's House of Suds Car Wash.
I bought your daddy's first guitar at Uncle Bud's,
and I'll have you know, things turned out just fine for him, thank you very much.
You told me you got it from Johnny Cash.
Yeah, and I set your pet goldfish free in the lake. Grow up!
Now, take the picture before I lose my happy face!
I don't feel very happy.
One second. Sorry.
- [cell phone ringing] - It's Kelly Ripa's people
just confirming the interview at the house on Monday.
Sometime between now and my death would be perfect.
- Sorry. - Yo, Stewart. Don't want to be rude,
- but my sister is a big fan... - I love you in the front,
- and back! - She's weird, I know.
- Can we get a picture? - Yeah, but I just promised...
- Great, over here then. - OK, then.
You have got to be kidding me.
Geez, Palumbo, give the girl a little space.
- Since when have you become so considerat - I'm not.
Yo, Isabel, picture time.
My niece, big fan.
And If she asks, I dumped you, all right?
What?! [groans]
- We were here first! - Uh...
Yeah? Well, my family came over here with Cortez!
So technically, we were here first!
OK, everybody, stop it. The girl's arms are unnaturally long as it is.
- Mamaw! - Well, I blame your daddy,
swinging you around over his head all the time when you were a baby.
Now, just everybody back off.
Ma, come on. I know it's frustrating,
but you gotta understand, ever since she took that dang wig off,
things got a little crazy around here.
But you are gonna get your picture with Miley. Don't you worry.
But after us. We're next in line.
- What line? - [crowd clamoring]
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Here we go, everybody!
♪ Come on ♪
♪ You get the limo out front ♪
♪ Oooh ♪
♪ Hottest styles Every shoe, every color ♪
♪ Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun ♪
♪ It's really you but no one ever discovers ♪
♪ Who would have thought that a girl like me ♪
♪ Would double as a superstar ♪
Whooo!
♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪
♪ Chill it out Take it slow ♪
♪ Then you rock out the show ♪
♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪
♪ Mix it all together and you know ♪
♪ That it's the best of both worlds ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
Yellow light, yellow light! Yellow light!
Oh, sweet home Alabama, Mama! I know you're upset today,
but one of your fake nails just drew real blood.
Mamaw, it's not Dad's fault that you didn't get your picture.
It's Miley's.
It's always Miley's fault.
Well, at least I'm not 20 years old and still living at home.
- Long-armed freak! - I'm an international pop star!
I'm dating a super model!
- Almost home, almost home. - Hush up, all of you.
Jackson is right. I'm just ticked off over this whole graduation situation.
People not giving a mamaw cut'sies?
I will never understand California.
Ya'll will spend millions protecting some endangered stinkbug,
but an elderly woman's tender feelings? Squish.
When exactly will you be flying home, Mother?
Look, Mamaw, I know life is a little more complicated
now that I took off the wig, but I promise I'll make it up to you.
Tomorrow at 4:00, you and me at the Hollywood Plaza Hotel for...
High tea and finger sandwiches?
- With snooty waiters. - And funny accents.
[both] Simply scrumptious. [laughing]
I could be an international pop star, too.
If I had talent.
And hair extensions.
Yeah, I said it! Hair extensions!
[both mimicking each other]
Almost home, almost home, almost home, almost home...
Ah! People lined up to give me money.
America, I love you.
Wow, business looks pretty good.
Who'd have thought there'd be such a market for cheese, tomato and rat droppings?
[laughs] That was one time!
And you went back for seconds!
That's when I thought they were little flavor-packed olives.
All right, things are different now, OK?
I added a new ingredient. Just a touch of rosemary.
Yeah, I get it. You hired a hot girl named Rosemary and she's serving the pizza.
No, I actually added rosemary.
But I hired Bambi!
Say hello, Bambi.
Admit it. She gets the old taste buds going, doesn't she?
Sorry, dude. Even if I wasn't dating a gorgeous supermodel,
which I am, I'm just not that into short hair.
Yeah, right. So you're saying you wouldn't be dating Siena if she had short hair?
Wouldn't have given her a second look.
- Given who a second look? - You if you had short hair.
- I never said that. - Would you like me to play it back for you?
- You recorded that? - I record everything.
We live in a very litigious society.
Wait a minute. So you're saying that you wouldn't even
- be attracted to me if I had short hair? - I didn't say that.
- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.
- I said I wouldn't be into her. - What's the difference?
- Yeah, what's the difference? - What's the difference?
[laughs] I'll tell you the difference.
Right after a refreshing drink of water.
So you're saying that we wouldn't even be together right now if I had short hair?
Why are we even talking about this?
It's not like you're gonna cut your hair. It's beautiful.
It's like that shirt. You wouldn't just chop off the sleeves.
- It'd look hideous. - So now I look horrible?
I said hideous. There's a difference.
- What's the difference? - Yeah, what's the difference?
I'll tell you the difference.
♪ La-di-di-da Oh, yeah ♪
- May I help you? - Yes.
We have a reservation under Muffy and Tipper Clydesdale.
Of the Malibu Clydesdales.
Of course. I have your table ready.
Well, make it a good one.
Ooh, a dollar.
Five more of these and I can buy some milk.
Look at this, Mamaw, no kids.
Just snooty old people that couldn't care less who I am.
Ooh, and cucumber sandwiches! Don't they look divine, Muffy?
- I thought I was Tipper. - Not a good one.
- Muffy, tea time. - You're right.
I'm not gonna let Mr. Snooty-patootey spoil our good time.
I'm just so happy we could do this, Mamaw.
Oh, me, too, sugar.
I can't believe that my last grandbaby is going off to college.
You know, I still remember the first time we went to tea back in Nashville.
You could barely see over the table.
- This is gross! - [laughs] It's an acquired taste.
Why don't you just add a little bit of sugar, sweetie.
Or the whole bowl.
Lord knows they charge enough.
All right. Now, first we toast.
Pinky.
And when we toast, [affected accent] we talk like this.
- Like this? - [laughs] Like this.
[accent] Like this?
By George, I think she's got it.
[both] Delightful.
[both chuckling]
Oh! Now, sweetie, tell me all about this Jesse fella.
Do I need to like him from the get-go or do I squeeze him a little?
- Well, just like him. I'll... - I know.
You will take care of all the squeezing part.
I'm sorry. My granddaughter adores you.
Can I bother you for an autograph?
- Uh, well, I... - You know, what she's trying to say
is that she's right in the middle of some private time with her grandma.
And I know what you're thinking. "My goodness, you're kidding.
She's much too young to be a grandma." But it is true.
Lots of water, healthy diet, and my Belly Dance Your Way To Better Buns DVD.
- You oughta try it. - Well, I never.
- Clearly so. Bye-bye. - Oh!
Mamaw, it's just one autograph.
Sweetie, it's like ants at a picnic.
You let one in, the next thing you know, you got the whole army
crawling all up in your barracks. You know what I'm sayin'.
- Excuse me. - Ya see?
But my granddaughter's a huge fan and I hate to bother you...
Well, then bless your heart. Don't.
Mamaw. What's she's trying to say
is she's just not in town very often so we're trying to have quality time.
- I'm sure you understand. - Make sure she makes it out to Katherine.
She likes Katie, but I like Katherine and she's not here.
- She's not gonna sign. - She's not gonna sign?
- She's not gonna sign! - It's not like I don't want to sign.
- So you want to sign? - Come on, Mamaw. It's just a couple of autographs.
A couple? Miley, look around.
It's not gonna be a couple of autographs, it's gonna be the whole dang restaurant.
Yeah, but they've all got nieces or nephews or grandkids that love me.
- Like Katie. - Katherine. She likes Katie...
Not the time!
Mamaw, you've got to understand
- that the fans are part of my life. - I know that.
But I'm a part of your life, too.
- Of course you are, but... - I'm just a smaller part.
- Mamaw! - No.
You've made your choice.
Ooh!
Anyway, make it out to Katherine.
She likes Katie, but I like Katherine. So if you would make it out...
She knows!
She's gonna sign!
[all cheering]
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
Fine! Stay in your room.
But I think you're being childish.
[Mamaw] I'm being childish? You know what I have to say to that?
[Mamaw blows raspberry]
Please tell me that came from her mouth and not down south.
Either way, I'm not going up there and finding out.
Day, I don't care what she says, it's not my fault.
I know.
But she is still your mamaw. You gotta make this right.
- No, I am not apologizing. - I'm not asking you to.
OK, I'm asking you to.
Dad, I'm sorry, but I didn't do anything,
and if anyone should be saying sorry, it's Mamaw.
What is it with you women?
Why do you always have to be so emotional and dramatic?
A guy would never act that way.
I am not gonna apologize to that woman!
You hear me?! Never!
Then there's my boy.
Son, what's going on?
Siena is furious with me just because I told her I like her hair long!
And you did that by telling her you wouldn't like it short, didn't you?
- How did you know that? - Well, because you're a guy,
and when a guy opens his mouth, stupid comes out.
Dad, I do like her hair long. So telling her that I hated short hair
was actually a very heartfelt compliment.
Kinda.
Son, with women, it's the "kinda" that kills ya.
[whispers] Kills ya dead.
Your mama gave me this as a tenth anniversary present.
Look at this. This was me in my disco days.
- Wow. - Wow!
Me in my new wave days.
- Wow! - Oh, my!
And this was the cover
of my never-released Robby Ray Does Reggae.
Why?
I'm showing you this because
your mama hated every one of these haircuts,
but she never told me. Why?
Because she loved me no matter what was on top of my head.
Oh, man, I totally don't deserve Siena.
You guys never deserve us.
You're right.
Wha...! Ow!
Wow! Look at you!
- Absolutely gorgeous! - No, I am not!
I was so mad at you that I got my hair cut at the first place I could find.
- And look what he did to me! - Hey, it's not that bad.
It makes your cheek bones stand out and your ears look...
...prominent.
- Right, Lilly? - Good luck!
- Dad? - What she said.
Look, Siena, I'm sorry if I made you do this.
And I know it's a little late, but...
...I'd love you no matter what your hair looks like.
Even this hideous mess?
On you,
it's beautiful.
That's all I wanted to hear.
Oh, thank the Lord.
What do you mean, "Thank the Lord"?
For giving me you.
Aw!
You're so cute when you're stupid.
I know. And I'm not even trying.
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah Ooh ♪
I can't believe how fabulous your house is, Miley.
You should really see this place, Reeg. It's amazing.
They have a horse outside!
He's so beautiful. When you brush him, he goes...
[flaps lips loudly] Just like you! [laughs]
I'm kidding. I don't brush Regis. He has people for that.
Anyway, this has been quite a year for you, lots of changes.
Yeah, it has, but, you know, I'm lucky.
I've had awesome friends and a really supportive family that has gotten me through it.
Out of my way. Move it. Coming through.
Anybody make coffee?
For goodness sakes, hold it down.
They're trying to do an interview.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
You see there? At least I can say that I'm sorry
when I've done something wrong, unlike other people.
[laughs] That's my Mamaw.
Well, good morning to you, Mamaw.
You're live on Regis and Kelly.
Well, consider yourself lucky.
At least you get to be in the picture with her, Kelly.
She's not a morning person.
Neither is Regis.
And now he's learned how to sleep with his eyes open. It's really creepy.
I kid ya 'cause I love ya!
[grinder buzzing]
Ma, do you have to grind your beans right now?
Well, I'm so sorry.
Maybe I should just suck on those beans
and then wash 'em down with some scalding hot water.
How does that work for ya?
- I'll be right back. - Uh, but...
You're a pro, Ripa, rise to the challenge.
OK, well, back to you in the studio, Reeg!
What do you mean "no"?
Well, I'm sorry, but that eye thing really is creepy.
- Why are you doing this? - I'm trying to get her to keep from making so much noise.
- Not you, Dad. You! - What am I doing?
I'm just making myself a lovely cup of instant coffee
because I didn't get any tea yesterday.
Come on, Mamaw.
The tea thing wasn't my fault.
And the graduation picture wasn't my fault.
It's just my life now. Please cut me some slack.
That's exactly what your daddy said when his career took off.
And between the concerts and the videos and the tours,
I saw him for all of three hours in the next three years.
Come on, Ma, you're exaggerating.
Mother's Day, 1994.
We celebrated in an airport cafe
because you were switching flights in Nashville.
And the only reason that I got three hours
was because [sobbing] there was fog in Boston.
- Is that true, Daddy? - Well, Mile, you gotta understand,
when I went number one with Dr. Love Will See You Now, I was huge.
So you will have to forgive me if cutting slack is hard for me.
But I do not want to spend another Mother's Day
in an airport cafe eating chewy meatloaf and lumpy mashed potatoes.
Uh, so Miley... [laughs]
You ready to come back to our live national interview? Please?
Right after this.
OK...
So, Reeg, is it time for that cooking segment yet?
[sobbing] Come on!
Fine way to treat good furniture.
- Mamaw? - I give you people a perfectly lovely housewarming present,
and what do you do? You dump it outdoors.
It's outdoor furniture.
You always have to be right, don't you?
Listen, Mamaw, I...
I didn't know about Mother's Day.
But even if I did, I'm not sure that there's anything I could've done differently.
I mean, I wanna be nice and respectful
to the people that come up to me.
Of course you do.
Us Stewarts raise our kids right, dang flabbit.
You know I love you, right?
I know that.
It's just that before you let the secret out,
you could take that wig off and me and my Miley could go off
and do what we wanted and no one would bother us.
And I'm just afraid we're never gonna have that again.
[sighs] Well, maybe we won't.
Maybe we won't?
What kind of a "heartfelt, feel-good leadin' to a hug" kind of moment is that?
Mamaw, you didn't let me finish.
Listen. Maybe from now on,
our private time is just gonna have to be
a little more private. But it's still our time.
And it'll always mean as much to me as it does to you.
That's the moment I'm talking about.
Hey.
You got room in that hug for a guilty son?
Get on in here, you "Dr. Love".
Oh, my gosh, Kelly!
Seventy-four, 75, 76, 77!
- Uh, Kelly? - Not now!
I'm going for my personal best!
Like to see the girls on The View try this one.
♪ Tonight We're gonna get this ♪
♪ Tonight, we're gonna get this ♪
- Hey, Mamaw! - Hey!
- Whatcha doin'? - I never did get that
graduation picture with you. So I'm about to fix that right now.
This is a little Photoshop, Mamaw style.
Huh. Artsy.
But now Lilly's dad's not in the picture.
Oh, like I need that crybaby on my mantle.
- Now, this is a keeper. - [laughs]
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