♪ WEll, Let Her Dance with all night long
♪ This programme contains very strong language.♪
♪ This programme contains scenes that some viewers may find disturbing. ♪
Hello!
How you doing, big chap?
I like this hair and beard arrangement.
Haven't you just escaped from a game of Guess Who?
I'm sure my daughter created you
with a magnet and some filings the other day.
Is this your woman?
It is.
What first attracted you to the big chap? Gravity?
What do you do?
I work for the council.
What do you do for the council?
Just admin.
Just admin?
Just admin. Nothing important.
Nothing important. "Move along, Frankie"?
Think that's going to work out for you, that strategy?
I'll abuse you so badly you'll think I was a friend of the family.
What area of council admin do you specialise in?
So we can hate you in a specific way,
rather than the general way we're hating you at the moment.
Social work.
Social work?
(AUDIENCE) Ohhh!
There you go. That's sharpened it up a bit, hasn't it?
Have you got a net for stealing children?
You have a slightly haunted look about you, do you know that?
A slightly haunted, broken look.
What do you hate most about life?
Is it the fact that your dad fucked you
or the fact that you enjoyed it?
Genuinely surprised I'm getting away with that, but there we go.
Seem to be getting away with it.
How you doing, big man? You all right? What do you do?
I play football.
Professionally?
Aye. Who for?
Dunfermline.
Dunfermline? Not professional, then.
Roman Abramovich, he's a sinister fucker, isn't he?
I think because Abramovich is so sinister,
that's why Alex Ferguson at Man U has had to build up
a team of ugly men who look like they'd be impossible to kill.
Like Wayne Rooney.
How would you kill Wayne Rooney?
If you put a bullet through the middle of Wayne Rooney's head,
all that would happen would be that he whistled when he ran.
I wasn't surprised to hear
that Rooney had to pay someone to have sex with him.
I just assumed it would be his wife.
At least he won't be remembered now for shagging a granny.
Don't knock shagging a granny,
because often they'll stick 5 in your pocket and say,
"Don't tell your mum."
They're worried it's going to distract him from his football.
You could distract Wayne Rooney with a piece of shiny paper.
I'm surprised they can get him to chase after a ball
without putting a bell in it.
He's not the first footballer
to have got in trouble with a 21-year-old escort.
Stan Collymore got his cock stuck in the exhaust of one.
He's just had a baby, hasn't he, Rooney?
He must have been an asset at the birth.
"Look! Coleen done a jobbie with a face!"
We had the World Cup in South Africa.
A very different World Cup because of the very real threat of HIV...
presented by the England team.
Everyone was complaining about the vuvuzelas at the World Cup,
the same decibels as a plane taking off.
Why is it always a plane taking off?
Why don't they think of something original? The same decibels
as Pavarotti getting his bell-end caught in his zip.
"England folded under pressure." How can these guys feel pressure?
These are men who can triple-team a teenage hairdresser
while their mate films it on a camera-phone.
I can't take a piss if the cat walks into the bathroom.
Beckham was out there.
Apparently they're trying for another baby, the Beckhams.
Fucking hell, man.
Shagging that woman
must be like trying to separate deckchairs with your dick.
'Robin Atkins made his name in the British sex comedies of the 1970s.'
Phwoargh!
'But gradually the work dried up,
'partly because cinema-going fell into general decline.
'And partly because changing attitudes meant
'that people started to view his character as a serial sex offender.'
'Undaunted, he made his way to Los Angeles,
'and tried his hand on the American pornographic scene.'
I want you in my ass.
In...
Hey! What the fruck?
Blimey!
It's your husband.
I guess I'd better get going, eh?
Uh-uh. You go nowhere,buddy.
No, I wanthimin my ass.
You heard the lady.
Milk motherfucker.
Yeah, baby!
Yeah!Yeah.
You like that? Yeah.
Ooh! Ooh!
Ah! Ah! Ooh!
Ah!
Hey! Make some room!
Oh, God!
'Robin did a lot of US work in the 80s,
'but never really seemed to fit in.'
That's it. Oh!
Oh, keep going. Oh. Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah!Sorry!Ah!
'In fact, he became somewhat disillusioned with the work,
'and when the chance came to relocate to Germany,
'he had high hopes of getting back to what he did best.'
Phwoargh! Oh!
Ooh!
Whoargh!
Oh! Woargh!
FARTING AND SQUELCHING
Urgh!
'But times had moved on.'
Robin Atkins, who died today, from AIDS.
Next on Colombia Today, showbusiness news.
Tell me, Pablita, what's been happening this week?
Well, Miguel Ramirez, manager of a boy band Explosione,
has laughed at rumours that the band are to reform,
as they are all dead! Killed by bandits.
Meanwhile, there have been rumours of romance
between Bogota Nights co-stars Randa Marinez and Javier Gomez.
Their agents deny the rumours and say they're both dead!
After a botched carjacking.
Wasn't this week the premiere of the movie version of Palmeira Vice?
Yes.
All the stars of the film were there and they are all now dead!
After the cinema was firebombed.
But why?
Nobody knows.
Nobody knows anything about it.
If you had to hazard a guess?
Cocaine.
And we still have the incredible story of Jose Marquez,
the actor who is still appearing in the soap opera
All My Yesterdays, despite having been taken hostage by bandits.
Yes, it's ingenious.
Jose Marquez has been a hostage for three months now
but the producers have been using the footage sent to them
by the kidnappers to make it seem like nothing has happened.
You know you've to let this deal goes through
or they will bankrupt all of us, man.
(DUBBED) I know.
I know how important this deal is for you.
Well, sign the papers, then!
It's your mother. She has all the shares.
You mean I have to go and ask... Mother for her permission?
Yes.
OK. But I hope this works, for both our sakes.
OK. I'll see you next week,
after I've had my plastic surgery.
Yes, I remember you telling me about that.
You have been talking about that for quite some time.
And now, the weather.
Hello. Cold front...
GUNSHOT
Argh!
Oh!
Coming in from the West... Argh...
GUNSHOTS
Argh!
Murder! Murder!
Ah! Argh! Murder! Mur..
GUNSHOT
What is it about people with cancer
that suddenly think they can run the fucking marathon?
"I've got cancer.
"Going to sponsor us?"
You feel like going, "You have no chance of winning!"
I'm only joking, obviously. If you know someone with cancer
that wants sponsored for something, please, sponsor them.
There's a good chance that you won't have to pay.
I'd a friend said that she had breast cancer.
She was going to cycle the Great Wall of China.
You can't say this, but you feel like going,
"You're thelastperson who should be cycling the Great Wall of China!
"You should be lying at home in bed,
"playing with your tits before they drop off."
I should add, shedoesn't mind me saying that.
She's dead. She doesn't give a fuck.
Not really, right.
She doesn't even exist.
It's a fucking joke.
You can't take everything seriously!
If we'd taken everything my gran said seriously,
she'd still be alive today.
Anyway, I do a lot of good work myself. I don't. It's another joke.
I spend a lot of time
helping teenagers who've been sexually abused...
find their way out of my house.
Glad to see you made it.
Thought I'd locked the cat-flap.
Surprise!
I've got bowel cancer.
'Don't worry. There was a happy ending.
'His life was heavily insured.'
'A tip for entertainers. Always pay your drugs bills.'
You're birthday! I can't it's your...
GUNSHOT
CHILDREN CHEER
OK. Do we have the camera on? Come on.
Happy birthday!
Hap...
'Breakfast in bed? Breakfast und dead!'
'Birthday cake?'
'More like dead at the foot of the stairs!'
'Health pack.'
Join us after the break, when we'll be reviewing AIDS 2.
'Health pack. Health pack.
'Health pack. Health pack.'
'Health pack. Health pack.
'Shotgun.'
An update of the classic 80s platform game AIDSy Kong,
where you play an African garage mechanic
trying to reach a monkey at the top of some platforms, and fuck it.
How you doing, man? How do people survive in this town
in this Belle and Sebastian gear, man?
I struggle with specs, do you know what I mean,
and you've dressed up as a child, and you get away with it.
What do you do?
Telecoms engineer.
Telecoms Engineer? What do you do for them?
Put in phones.
Put in phones. People don't have phones in their house any more.
"Aye they dae! Right!"
Let's get into an argument then, right?
Cos I've got a house. Do you want to know if there's a phone in it or no?
There isnae!
Do you want one?
Do I want one? Naw!
That's you clamped.
Clamped and shattered, pal!
So people don't tend to have landlines any more, do they?
They use mobile phones. So what are you doing?
I do it for the bank.
You do it for the bank?
Occasionally, the bank needs a phone in someone's house?
That's someone with a really big overdraft that the bank manager's needs to actually get a hold of you
at a moment's notice and go "Have you just been out buying sweeties?"
And you have to justify yourself. Why does the bank put phones in, man?
They want to talk to people.
There we go.
Did you fail the audition for Rain Man by being too pedantic?
What do they want to talk to people about so badly
that they need to put their own phone in their home?
I don't know.
You don't know?!
I can see why they don't trust you with that information!
Any ideas? Any suspicions?
Who are these people? What do they look like? Are they lizards?
What is this? The bank's putting phones in people's houses and...
What is this? Is this a dream?
Why are they doing this? What do the phones look like? Normal phones?!
Big massive ones.
Now I don't know if it's my dream or yours!
That's what I'm trying to work out here.
You don't know what you do, do you?
That was just the cover story your mum gave you to say.
"If you're ever at a comedy show and anyone asks you what you do,
"say you put in phones for the bank.
"That'll fucking fox them."
You're his girlfriend, what do you do?
Em, nothing.
Nothing?
Fantastic, an honest answer for once.
If only you'd come up wi' that!
Could have saved ten minutes of every fucker's life!
This guy you put the phone in the house of...
Is it Noel Edmonds?
(LAUGHS)
You know you're a little too old to share a bath with your mother.
So you're saying I should shower with her?
How would you do it, Dad? I'd have her ride me.
All that grinding.
Sorry.
Don't let her hear I said that.
I don't want her to have any warning.
Do you remember that talk you gave me about the birds and the bees?
I fucked a bee, Dad!
Does that make me bisexual?
Did you ever have a crush on your teacher, Dad?
No.
Me neither. I don't even know why I'm having sex with him.
It's purely physical.
Do you think we should split up?
Yes.
Do you remember when we went to the zoo?
Do you know what a monkey thinks is on the end of your rod, Dad?
A big, juicy berry.
Why...?
I didn't know that monkeys could climb trees with an erect penis
and me on their back!
Do you ever feed the animals, Dad?
Do you ever put oats in your asshole and have a goat eat it out?
We should totally pierce our own ears, Dad!
I was the first person to be told that Heath Ledger was dead.
Certainly explained why I hadn't come yet.
I got the idea for Brokeback Mountain
when I was fucking Heath Ledger in the ass.
I remember saying to him, "Heath, this is great,
"we should make a movie about this,
"one that explains why I'm wearing a cowboy hat."
PCP first started to get noticed in the 1950s
when people started jumping out of windows.
Father Fucker!
But its history can be traced back to the Spartans.
300 Spartan warriors on PCP held back the entire Persian Army
at some fucking place and then pushed on.
The Second World War was fought on PCP.
I mean, think about it, you met your granddad.
Did he look like he could run up a beach?
It all ended for the Germans on D-Day
when the English took all of their PCP
and ran across the Channel and ate them.
Everyone was interested in the military applications of PCP.
For a while, it was marketed for its health benefits as a decongestant.
Side-effects may include hostages.
The drug came into public consciousness
in the US with the films of Traskor and Kelly,
known as the Cheech and Chong of PCP.
You got the munchies, man?!
No, man, I just ate my finger!
You know what I fancy for some reason?
What, man?
Genocide!
But it was in the 1980s that the drug's popularity took off,
with Prince's PCP period.
♪ This is what it sounds like when I scream... ♪
Aaargh!
Prince that year performed over 100 tour dates on PCP
in a single evening,
before changing his name to a symbol based on the PCP molecule.
The drug's grip on the popular imagination grew
when Paul Marsh won the Olympic 800m despite being dead.
And Rocky became the first feature filmed entirely on PCP.
The director's cut is two days long.
Don't spit in there, Rocky, it's a bucket of PCP!
Don't you remember how we trained for this!
Catch your chicken.
Go on, catch a chicken! Good boy, Rocky!
It tastes like PCP!
Well done, Rocky!
Come on, Rocky, it's only six miles to go to our PCP dealer.
Catch me up, Mickey!
PCP!
Apollo Creed wasn't even black.
After five years of shooting the climactic fight,
he was just very heavily bruised.
(CROWD) Rocky! Rocky!
Who's Rocky?!
But what does the future hold for PCP?
Fuck you, Mars! Fuck you!
What's your name, man?
Jamie.
Jamie. I'm going to educate you, Jamie.
You know how at your age, when you first start going out with someone,
you've got to think of stuff during sex to put yourself off,
to stop yourself from coming?
The truth is, when you're 38 like me,
you've been going out with someone for seven years,
you no longer have to think of stuff to stop yourself from coming.
All you have to do is look down at your partner's face...
..and see the faces of your own children!
"Wow, your come face is exactly like the face the wee man pulls
"when he's hurt his knee!"
She knows it too, Jamie.
If she doesn't want sex she comes to bed wearing Spiderman pyjamas.
I'm trying to think if I've got any other advice for you.
Yeah, never let anyone ram a big Toblerone up your arse.
And if they do, don't rip it out straight away,
wait for the corners to melt a bit.
Shall I tell you why I'm like what I'm like, Jamie?
I think I can explain it to you.
When I was a wee boy, my granddad used to take me up into the loft.
And he'd take down a chest that he kept up there.
He'd open up the chest. Do you know what was in it?
A mermaid.
And he'd have me strip naked, as a wee boy,
and make love to that mermaid on the floor,
for his sexual gratification.
Now, years later, when the old bastard was dead,
I went back up into the loft. I took down that chest and opened it up.
Do you know what I found in there?
A dead monkey with its legs sewn together.
You remind me of that monkey, Jamie!
Thanks for watching.
We'll be back again, same time next week, father fuckers!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd