The following is a message from New York mayor Michael Bloomberg.
*****
hello. I'm Michael Bloomberg.
Two weeks ago tomorrow on December 26th,
New York City was hit by what will be forever called
the great blizzard of 2010.
The snow began to fall on Sunday, and by the time it stopped the next day,
there was snow everywhere.
On the streets, on the ground, in the trees,
even on those big rocks or whatever in central park.
It was so deep, some city residents said,
they couldn't even see the sidewalk in front of their apartment
until the building super shoveled it.
It was, in short, a catastrophe
and brought this city to a complete standstill.
Today as we continue to dig ourselves out from this horror,
many new yorkers are left stunned, bewildered
and overcome with feelings of despair and hopelessness.
Above all, we have questions.
Where does snow come from?
Is it dangerous?
Will the snow stay forever?
How do I get snow off my car?
And what happens if snow touches suede?
Rest assured, my office is working to find answers to these questions,
and mental health professionals are standing by to help those
who find themselves overwhelmed by the enormity of this event.
In the meantime, we continue to urge all new yorkers,
as we have throughout this crisis, not to leave your apartment
unless it is absolutely essential.
Don't even look out your windows.
Should you run out of food, please don't try to go out and get some.
Don't be a hero.
Simply call a restaurant that delivers,
and the Mexicans will bring you food.
Now, the big question, what are we doing about removing the snow?
Tonight, I am pleased to report that, even as we speak,
thousands of city sanitation workers are out in the plows.
They're not plowing yet.
Right now they're playing cards. That's in their contract.
After they're done playing cards, they'll look at Internet porn for an hour or so,
then stop for lunch.
After that comes a two-hour break.
Then we'll send them home early, also in their contract,
but they'll be back at noon when overtime kicks in
and do some snow removal for about an hour,
followed by a 90-minute work stoppage to protest department layoffs.
After that they'll be extremely intoxicated,
so our attorneys have advised us just to send them home early, with pay,
rather than risk the liability.
On a related note, I am pleased to report that 16th street between 6th and 7th avenues
is now completely clear of snow.
That's because of a gas explosion and fire
caused by one of our city snowplows hitting a propane truck.
And let me assure you the driver in question who was intoxicated
will not be at the wheel of a plow again.
He has been promoted to supervisor.
Before concluding, I want to take a moment to thank every new yorker
for their astonishing courage and resolve you have displayed throughout this ordeal
and also to remind you that no natural disaster,
even one as devastating as this,
is ever an excuse for domestic violence,
or for smoking.
At some point, we will overcome this crisis.
However long it takes, however much it costs, I promise you,
we will clear New York City of snow.
And then, god willing, we can start on queens.
Thank you, and live from new York, it's Saturday night!
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Saturday night live s36e11
with Fred armisen
Abby elliott
bill hader
Seth meyers
Bobby moynihan
Andy samberg
Jason sudeikis
kenan Thompson
kristen wiig
featuring. Vanessa bayer
Paul brittain
taran killam
nasim pedrad
Jay pharoah
musical guests ¨Cthe black keys
and your host. Jim carrey!
Ladies and gentlemen, jim carrey!
Thank you! Thank you.
How about those jets, new York?
Great to be back. Who's up for an amazing new year?
Who thinks 2011 will be the best year ever?
Who thought 2010 was total crap?
I wouldn't want to go through that again, huh?
What a nightmare.
I'm just looking forward. That's what I'm doing.
I've always been a very positive person.
Except when I'm angry or depressed or hungry.
And then I can be a real handful.
But tonight, I'm seeing the beauty in everything.
Like right here in front of me.
I'm looking at two of the most magnificent breasts I've ever seen.
- Congratulations, sir. - Thank you, jim!
- Thank you! - No problem. No problem.
See, that's the kind of energy I'm talking about
when I'm hosting "Saturday night live"!
Especially considering it's the very first show of the last year of our existence.
Dead birds are falling from the sky.
Some people say that's bad. I say Arkansas eats free.
Yes, sir. I'm bullish on the apocalypse.
When life hands me lemon, you make lemonade, you know?
When everyone around you bursts into flames, it's time for smores.
When the earth opens up, so will parking spaces.
And when I see a river of blood, I go kayaking, mister.
But I would wear a condom.
It is blood, after all.
So let's celebrate this new year together.
Let's make this moment count. Because frankly, that's all we've got.
- How you doing, ma'am? - Good. Good?
- You doing good tonight? - Awesome.
- What's your name? - Mindy.
You want to make this moment here tonight, mindy, really count?
- Absolutely. - Marry me, mindy. Marry me.
Marry me and make me the happiest man in the world.
Just let me make my case.
First of all, I'm Jim carrey.
You know what that means. Mucho dinero.
Big bucks. Even with a prenup, really.*****
and if you get pregnant, well, it's all over.
So what's it going to be, mindy?
Please, please say yes.
Mindy. Let me see that.
Hold on. Just hold on.
Mindy, all right. Well, I guess I'm going to have to wait, aren't I?
- Yes. - Okay. Come on, dude.
- What's your name? - Bob.
Bob, this is Bob, my new life partner.
Thanks for nothing, mindy.
We'll see you. Black keys, coming back.
We're going to go backstage now.
My parents are great. They gave me so much in my life.
I just wish the one thing they hadn't passed on was the baldness gene.
It's been devastating as a woman to have a problem with baldness.
People can be very cruel.
Millions of you have come to us as bosley hair restoration to help ease the heartbreak of baldness,
and have your hair restored naturally to its original hairline and density.
Until now we've achieved this by transplanting live follicles from the back of the head or donor area.
But what if you're out of hair back there to spare?
Well, using bosley's breakthrough technique,
hair is harvested from the mezzanine and brought to the head.
Kind of like a neighbor walking over to borrow a cup of sugar. It just makes sense.
And most importantly, it gives you back the head of hair you remember.
Thick and beautiful.
The bosley process is just life-changing.
People are really looking at me very, very differently.
And it gives me all the confidence I've ever wanted.
I feel beautiful again. And I still have plenty left.
With luscious hair like this, there's no stopping me.
I can even shower with my new hair. It feels great!
These are just a few of the many people who are amazed at their results.
Call bosley now, and we'll give you a free trial pluck and tuck.
So, you can see for yourself what everyone's talking about.
Now I've got all of life to look forward to. I look great.
Thanks, bosley.
That is very good, nina. Your white swan is flawless.
My problem is I'm not casting the white swan.
I'm also casting the black swan.
One dancer, two roles.
While your white swan, again, is perfect, your black swan is very disappointing.
- I see. - White swan, thumbs up.
- Black swan, not so much. - I got it.
- White swan, sure. Black swan, ew. - *** please!
Besides, there is someone whose black swan is far superior.
Who? Her?
No, not her.
Her!
Sorry I'm late.
I had to go numbers three and four.
That's okay, lilly. Go warm up.
Oh, I'm already warm.
I'm all swampy in my pants.
She's already warm. Isn't she great?
So comfortable with her body.
She even has two swan wings stuck to it on her back.
I think those are, like, buffalo wings.
Lilly, black swan, now.
- Get ready to rock, bitches. - ** that's my role.
I want you to watch her. I want you to learn from her.
Watch the way she moves. She's precise. Yet beautiful.
Watch as she becomes the black swan.
Yes. Yes.
She is hungry. Hungry for bread crumbs.
Watch. Watch as she seduces me.
She wants to possess me. To control me.
She fears nothing.
She's passionate, mysterious, dangerous.
***¡¡when you dance, you must seduce me.
For no one enjoys seduction more than me,
the world's only straight French male ballet choreographer.
£­¡¡but tomas, I can do it. £­¡¡***¡¡let me ask you a question.
Would you have sex with this woman?
Now, what about her? Would you have sex with her?
Yes, absolutely, I would. Yes.
You see, nina, perhaps I have been unclear
while your white swan is good, your black swan is bad.
- Yeah. No, I got it. - Because if you don't, I've prepared a chart.
You see, this chart I made, you can take it home with you.
I'm not going to do that.
See, nina, you are the white swan, pure, innocent, naive.
You must become like the black swan.
She is impulsive. She goes to clubs. She does ecstasy.
I can do it, tomas. I know I can.
There's only one way to decide this. Both of you must dance.
And whoever can seduce me will be the swan queen.
She's brilliant. She stuck her gum in my ear.
I have made my decision.
The swan queen will be Nina. Because I see something in her.
********
and because lilly. Lilly, because, lilly, when you climbed on me, I felt a penis.
Fine. I'm out of here.
But just remember, once you go black swan,
you never go back. Swan.
*****
cee lo ****
******
hello. And welcome to "healing conversations.
" I'm licensed therapist Zach twinefeld."
And today we are focusing on how self-empowerment
can be achieved through healthy confrontation.
Now, ethan, you recently had a very intense confrontation with your boss.
Can you tell us what happened?
Yes. My boss is a real jerk. And I was tired of dealing with it.
So I marched into his office, got in his face,
and said,"you don't like me, and I don't care.
If you've got a problem with me, that's on you, buddy.
You need to back off and let me do my job.
I bet he was surprised by that.
Oh, believe me, he was.
- Well, let's see how it went. - What?
We have the security camera footage. Let's roll it.
Why don't you like me? Why?
I like you!
I try to do what you want.
And I give you things!
You never thank me!
And I didn't have a dad.
And you know that!
So did that change things for you at work?
No, he wasn't there yet. I just yelled at his desk.
I see. Well, you sure told his desk.
Jessica, I understand you recently confronted your sister about how she treats you.
Yes, zach.
My sister's a real Martha Stewart type, a perfect mother and wife.
And she always makes me feel less than.
- But you spoke your mind, right? - I sure did.
She started belittling me at Christmas dinner,
so I said,"Sherry, do not speak to me in that condescending tone.
If you have issues with the way I live my life,
then keep it to yourself.
- Bold words. - Yeah. Well, she needed to hear it.
Well, we recorded it on our hidden camera. Let's take a look.
Look at me! I'm all alone!
I have two vibrators! Two vibrators!
You have so many people who love you!
I want your life!
Trade with me! Trade with me!
What did you say at the end there? I couldn't make it out.
- I said "trade with me. - Trade with me. That's what it was.
Thank you, jessica.
Now, garrett, you recently were on a trip with your wife,
- and she told you something shocking. - Yes, she did.
She told me she was sleeping with another man.
We were on a remote Mountain in Vermont, where there were no cameras,
but I can assure you I set her straight.
Is that right? You really laid down the law?
Oh, yeah. I did.
I looked her straight in the eye, and I said, "I deserve better.
We are done. Now get the hell out of my life!
" Incredibly assertive. And how did it feel to take your power back?"
Zach, it felt magnificent.
- Well, we put a camera in your wife's mouth. Let's roll it. - What?
I can't believe you cheated on me! Why!
I'm so sorry.
No. Don't leave. Don't leave!
I'm done eating.
I'll die of starvation! Then you'll see!
Sounds like you set her straight, from what I could hear through your sobbing.
We're still together.
And the guy she's seeing is pretty cool, so...
well, how nice for you.Good work, everyone.
We'll see you next time. Good night.
****
well, hello! Let me ask you a personal question.
How's your love life? A little stale?
I'm Brady Wilson, here to say that variety makes everything more spicy.
You and your spouse wouldn't have the same meal every day for dinner.
So why do the same thing over and over in the bedroom?
Get the full spectrum with this DVD,
grady Wilson's "tantric n' tasty.
" I've been all over the world exploring new sexual techniques for your marriage."
I'm ready to share them with you.
Moves like the Ben and Jerry.
Now, you want to walk up to the counter, pick yourself out a flavor,
and then scoop it out. Scoop it out.
Oh, that's good. Scoop it out.
The mission impossible.
Don't touch the floor, now. Don't touch it!
Lockdown!
And the slumdog millionaire.
Jal-ho! Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Tasty. You're asking how did I learn all these moves?
Well, it came from a special friend. Come on in here.
This is Lee licious.
- Namaste. - It is nasty.
Lee is an erotic novelist.
We met at the Baltimore podiatry institute
when we both audited a class on ladies foot care.
Lee has been to India three times.
Massaging the chakras.
And Lee can show you some of the freakiest eastern techniques ever.
- Things like. - The oil rig.
Now, for this one we go just off the coast.
And put our drill bit down.
Pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it. A lot of fun.
But if it bursts, you're going to need a big cleanup.
The market fluctuation.
Stocks are rising. And then plunge.
You think you're safe, and then you're screwed.
Over and over and over and over!
The sneaky baboon.
You pop in for a quickie. And you're back in the trees.
Now, that's taking the Booty to exotic places.
There's even techniques for groups like
the two lumberjacks.
Okay, now for this one you want to put your partner in the middle,
grab hands and use your saw.
Cut that tree down. Cut it down.
- Is the tree down yet? - Not yet.
- Is the tree down yet? - Almost.
- Oh, there she goes. - Timber!
The endless clown car.
So many clowns.
The elliptical machine.
All right. For this one someone has to be the elliptical.
You put your partner in the middle, climb on and grab the legs,
and you just climb the hill. Yeah, climb the hill.
Now you're getting across country.
The wrath of ganache.
Oh, you had angla ganache?
Now you will get the trunk.
Now, that's tantric tastic.
So call today for grady Wilson's "tantric and tasty.
" And stimulate your chakras today."
The following is a paid advertisement for time life's DVD collection.
It was the must-see and most important urban music show ever.
It was the hippest trip in America.
It was the. "Soul train"!
Hello and welcome back to our celebration of "soul train.
" I'm smoky Robinson's white-half brother, coffee Robinson.
For those of you who loved our eight-disc collection "the best of soul train,"
but weren't satisfied with only 120 hours of footage,
we are now proud to present "the worst of soul train"
featuring all the acts from the '70s and '80s that you tried to forget
like shooting star with their song "rheumatoid arthritis.
♪ I've got pain in my joints say ow ow ow ♪
♪ I've got swelling in my knees say ow ow ow ♪
♪ my arthritis is acting up ♪
or how about disco blip Gary st. Marbulis
with "I saw you.
♪ then I turned around ♪
♪ there on the ground ♪
♪ I saw you ♪
♪ I just saw my best friend die on the dance floor ♪
"and don't forget, all 26 members of the Maxwell family performing their hit, "
only one bathroom.
♪ there's only one bathroom and there's 26 of us ♪
♪ I only get to shower every other month ♪
♪ why did my parents keep on having kids ♪
♪ our house is stinky ♪
and maybe you will remember triangle Sally with her only recorded song,
"I have a triangle.
" Triangle Sally. Triangle Sally died halfway through that song,"
and we did not edit it out.
And there are many more non-legends from the '70s and '80s
like daddy big hat and sheryl.
Klami ydia.
Dell newborn.
And Gary obramowicz.
Plus some of the original "soul train" dancers.
What? Yeah? Hi.
And, of course, there are even worse bands
like this space-age mess called robotics.
♪ does robot drink champagne ♪
♪ get the robot drink champagne ♪
that was the entire song.
And if you like the Billy ocean, you will dislike ocean Billy.
With "get out of my car and into my trunk.
♪ get out of my car ♪
♪ get into my trunk ♪
I said get in the trunk!
That guy was a real ticking time bomb.
And, of course, there was the man himself, diversity.
With a magical little number called,"I need just one.
♪ girl we've been together such a long long time ♪
♪ and when you're near me my heart does shine ♪
♪ so I got to ask before we start it's a question ♪
♪ straight from my heart ♪
♪ can I see one titty ♪
♪ oh girl ♪
♪ just give me one titty ♪
♪ I just want to see one of your titties, girl ♪
so why wait order the "very worst of soul today
or they'll kill me
ladies and gentlemen, the black keys!
♪ I must admit I can't explain ♪
♪ any of these thoughts racing through my brain it's true ♪
♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪
♪ there's something wrong with this plot ♪
♪ the actors here have not got a clue ♪
♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪
♪ mockingbird can't you see ♪
♪ little girl she got a hold on me like glue ♪
♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪
♪ throw the ball to the stick ♪
♪ a swing and miss in the catcher's mitt strike two ♪
♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪
weekend update with Seth meyers.
" Good evening, I'm Seth meyers, and here are tonight's top stories."
{6}****
on Wednesday, outgoing speaker of the house Nancy pelosi transferred power to her successor, john boehner.
And in a rare sign of affection between the rivals...
"look out, nancy! He's got a hammer!"
{6}******
" the republican effort to have the constitution read aloud on Thursday"
was interrupted several times including when readers skipped two pages
when a democrat complained that passages regarding slavery were omitted
and when a birther in the gallery shouted out that president Obama was not eligible to be in office,
and it didn't help that this music was playing the whole time.
{6}*****
democrat Jerry brown was sworn in Monday as governor of California nearly 28 years
after he last served in that same office.
Brown says that his first order of business is to find
that loose floorboard where he hid his weed.
{6}****
it was reported Thursday that just three weeks after Elizabeth Edwards died,
John Edwards proposed to his mistress, rielle hunter,
so the two of them can look forward to many, many years of being booed in restaurants.
This week, outgoing house speaker Nancy pelosi handed over her ceremonial gavel
to incoming speaker of the house, republican John boehner.
Here to comment, representative Nancy pelosi and speaker John boehner.
- Hello, young man. - Hello.
Well, thank you both for being here.
It's our pleasure. And for your late-night audience,
I'd like to hand over the gavel to John boehner once again.
Oh, very good. Thank you.
And Nancy, since I didn't give you a gavel on Tuesday,
I'd like to give you one tonight if I can.
There you go.
For all I know, this is a jab at my reduced role and my San Francisco district,
I do not mind its size.
Unlike speaker boehner, I am secure in my manhood.
Now, representative boehner, as speaker,
you'll be in charge of shepherding new tea party candidates who have never been in office before.
I'm not worried how tea party members will perform in congress.
There are other issues.*****
some tea party members did not realize they will get chairs
and brought their own lawn furniture.
But they are good-hearted Americans. They love their country.
They love this great nation of ours.
I think the speaker's choking up.
Oh, what doesn't make him cry, seth? Watch this.
Little American flag.
An old man saluting a parade.
A son coming home and making folgers.
Love it. Do more.
Reruns of "touched by an angel.
" Reruns of "Magnum p.I.
" Now watch this. Millions without health care."
Amazing.
Now, representative pelosi, the republican house is gaining momentum
with their health care repeal effort.
We plan to mount a campaign against the repeal of president Obama's health care plan.
To be fair, democrats could have done that during the midterm elections.
We could have, seth, but we had reason not to.
- And that was? - Basic cowardice.
But now. Now we're treating it this separate like a campaign.
Yeah, but you just had an actual campaign.
That's right. And we whiffed it on purpose.
We're keeping the Republicans guessing.
They can't read my. - Can't read my...
can't read my joker face.
I feel like I'm being ignored here. Face the facts, nancy.
Your days are over. I'm in charge now.
You can barely get elected minority leader.
A puppy in a red, white and blue bandana sits near a door.
A soldier walks in carrying his bags.
The puppy greets him with barks and kisses.
John boehner and Nancy pelosi, everyone.
{6}*****
according to a new poll, president Obama's approval rating is at 50%,
its highest level in seven months.
Of course, it helps that the poll was taken at a brown university drum circle.
{6}*****
a new edition of the mark twain classic "the adventures of huckleberry finn" is being published
that will remove all mentions of the "n" word.
Worse, they plan to replace them with "homie.
{6}******
" Claire Buffy, who is currently miss New York,"
said when she competes in the upcoming miss America pageant,
she'll be championing gay rights as part of her campaign.
Sounds like someone's finally figured out
who still watches the miss America pageant.
There's a lot of news out there, but here with the news he heard secondhand
is our secondhand news correspondent, anthony crispino.
Hey, seth. How's it going?
Great to be back.
- Did you get a haircut? - I did.
No need to brag about it.
What have you heard newswise?
Well, first of all, you hear about this Oprah?
No. What about her?
She finally got her own tv set.
Until now, now if she wanted to watch tv, she had to go to Gayle's house.
No, oprah just got her own tv network. It's called o.W.N.
Nah, I'm pretty sure it's because she has own tv set, seth.
And now she's having her friends over like Dr. j and the wizard of oz.
- Who told you that? - Who told me that? My fireworks guy, donny eyebrow.
Well, donny eyebrow was misinformed.
Okay. All right.But, uh,
you hear about the gays in the military?
They're allowed to use the alphabet now. Yeah.
- The alphabet? - Yes.
They repealed the law "don't speak, don't spell. " Yeah.
You know who was against it, though?
John MacLaine from "die hard.
" It's true. He kept yelling "yippee ki-ay, soldier lovers!
" No."
- Where did you hear that? - Where did I hear that? My cousin, hooker Janet.
Okay. Well, hooker Janet's not accurate.
Okay.**
- so, you hear the thing about congress, though? - What?
You know, turns out that republican John boehner, he's got new speakers for his house.
- No. - It's true.
He got them from snooki's mom, nancy pelizzi.
First of all, it's Nancy pelosi, and boehner is the new speaker of the house.
I'm pretty sure he's getting new speakers, you know,
because he's having a tea party, you know, for Mr. t.
I pity the fool who misses that.
- Who told you that? - Who told me that?
I was talking to the new governor, andrew homo.
- The new governor. - No, it's not.
- I think that's the new governor. - ****
that was not the governor. All right. Anything else?
Yeah. Finally, ooh.
You. You hear about this Brett favre? Yeah.
He announced he's retarded.
It seems like every year he's saying he's retarded and then he's not retarded.
Now he's finally going to be retarded for good.
- No, he's not retarded. - Oh, really?
Then why did he take a picture of his dingaling?
**** Anthony crispino, everybody.
****
zookeepers in Germany entered the lion enclosure
after a baby penguin wandered in there and stayed there for a day.
But by the time they arrived, it was too late.
All the lions were dead.
{6}*****
it was reported Mickey Rourke is planning to remove his two front teet
so that he can play a famous rugby star in a new movie.
Oh, no, then his face might look weird.
{6}******
a couple in Pennsylvania got married new year's day followed up the ceremony
by joining members of the polar bear club in jumping into an icy local river
in what I'm guessing was a real roller-coaster day for the man's penis.
Scientists are investigating why 5,000 red-winged blackbirds
fell out of the sky over Arkansas on new year's day.
Here now to help explain is Arkansas native
and the lone survivor from this bizarre incident,
Cameron the red-winged blackbird.
Hello.
Hey, cameron, buddy. How you holding up?
I'm pretty good, seth, you know,
except for everyone I ever knew dying all around me.
So what happened up there, man?
Well, I've considered many theories, you know, fireworks or power lines.
But only one makes sense.
It's the end of days for birds, seth.
- You mean the apocalypse? - No.
The aflockalypse.
Squawk, squawk, squawk!
- Aflockalypse? Like apocalypse for birds? - Yeah.
Look, scientists are saying it's probably just like a hailstorm.
Well, if it was a hailstorm, then how come all those fish are dying, too?
Oh, right. It was also reported thousands of fish died in the Arkansas river.
I heard that was totally unrelated to the bird deaths.
- That's not what my friend says. - Who's your friend?
- Hi, seth. - Who are you?
- I'm Everett the fish. Cameron. - Everett.
What do you think happened?
Seth, I have numerous theories, but the only one that makes sense to me
is ¨Cthe apocafish.
So, like...
**** the apocafish.
**** tell me
***** how did it happen at the exact same time?
Well, there's a small chance that we made God angry.
How?
Well, everett and I have lain together.
What?
You know, seth, lain together.
- So you two are. - A couple we are an item.
I don't mean to pry, but where do a bird and fish even meet?
Like right where the water meets the sky.
- It's called the surface, seth. - Right.****
I'm sure the fact that you've been laying together has nothing to do with the bird and fish deaths.
Then the only other explanation would be the ending of the "Oprah winfrey show.
- Oprah? - That's right, seth.
Oprahcalypse!
You get a car!
She's very generous.
Cameron the blackbird and Everett the fish, everyone.
******
according to new research senior citizens who walk faster live longer because, you know, t
hat red light's not going to stay red forever.
{6}****
"Jersey shore" star jenni "j-woww" farley this week asked a judge to bar her ex-boyfriend
from releasing nude photos from her before and after she had surgery.
I guess she wants people to think of her as j-woww, and forget when she used to be j- meh.
{6}*****
according to new research, people attending heavy metal concerts can give themselves brain damage
if they move their heads more than 75 degrees while keeping beat with the music.
Because if there are two things metal heads are good at,
it's geometry and caring about what happens to their brain.
For "w week *****
the maryville trolley ride. Honey, I haven't been on this in forever.
Yeah. Your sister told me it was your favorite.
Oh, look, here come the maryville brothers.
♪ if you join with a friend in a friendly song ♪
♪ then you'll have friendship all day long ♪
♪ so come along and sing all day ♪
♪ because that's the maryville brother way ♪
oh, aren't they great?
Actually, they creep me out a little bit.
Oh, they're not creepy. They're cute.
- What was that? - I don't know.
Sorry, folks. We should be up and running in no time.
- This better be quick. - Relax.
♪ if you join with a friend in a friendly song ♪
♪ then you'll have friendship all day long ♪
♪ so come along and sing all day ♪
♪ because that's the maryville brother way ♪
why aren't they going away?
Did you see him wink at me?
Honey, you're scared. That's so cute.
At least we're moving.
♪ if you join with a friend in a friendly song ♪
♪ so come along and sing all day ♪
- well, why did they stop? - Oh, nothing.
I think he's coming for me.
I think he tried to eat my face!
♪ that's the maryville brother way ♪
- get me out of this car. - Honey, calm down.
Hey, sorry, folks. This is a real mess.
Everyone's going to get a full refund.
The bad news is we have to evacuate the ride.
I can take one of you at a time. So miss, will you come with me?
- I'll see you outside, honey. - Wait!****
don't just leave me here!
♪ if you join with a friend in a friendly song ♪
♪ and you'll have friendship all day long ♪
♪ so come along and sing all day ♪
♪ because that's the maryville brother way ♪
***
I cannot believe that we're actually doing this, paying money to some psychic.
Honey, you said you'd keep an open mind.
I'm trying to contact my Uncle. How about you?
My father. He passed away last spring,
and I just wish I could speak to him one last time.
That can be arranged.
Pardon me my lateness.
I was in the bathroom.
I didn't hear a flush.
Let's begin.
I am alessandra.
You've all lost loved ones.
But I commune with the dead and channel their spirits.
Wait a sec. Do I know you from somewhere?
Well, in the early '80s I was prominent celebrity impressionist Allen munch.
Yeah. Remember, honey?
- He was on "comic relief" three times. - Four times.
But those days are behind me.
It's good you're not a comedian anymore
because we're really looking for answers today.
Do not worry. I am a psychic medium.
And I take these grief seances very seriously.
Take my hand.
I didn't hear a sink either.
Take my hand.
There is a spirit here.
There is a spirit in this room.
A man. I can see his face.
- Is it my father? - No.
It's - it's - show yourself, spirit.
It's none other than Mr. Jimmy Stewart.
That lady up on top of the capitol dome,
dad gummit, that lady stands for liberty.
- That sounded just like Jimmy Stewart. - Thank you.
He was the spirit who was here.
Why would Jimmy Stewart want to contact us?
I cannot answer that question.
I'm just a humble medium.
A vessel through which they speak.
Well, can we try to contact my father?
Yes. Take my hand.
I see a spirit.
- Is it my father? - No.
Unless your father was the great Billie holiday.
No way. No way.
♪ nobody's business I do ♪
I really wanted to speak to my father.
- I've seen your father! - What does he have to say?
He wants to talk about "growing pains.
" Because he's tv's favorite father, alan thicke!"
Michael seaver, if I find out you've been cutting class,
you can kiss that new mustang good-bye.
Hey, wait a minute.
What? Too soon?
No, I'm pretty sure Alan thicke is still alive. Like 60% sure.
That was great! No one does a thicke!
Do more spirits.
- Miss piggy is with us. - ****
the fictional puppet miss piggy?
Yes, kermie, you're my favorite frog.
Wait, wait, wait. Is Kermit here, too?
I'm afraid so.
It's not easy being green
- stop doing your act. - How dare you!
I can't control the spirits!
Just like you can't control Mr. Charles Bronson.
Hey, scumbag.
You make me want to puke.
- Awesome.Awesome. - ****
honey, we're going to miss his closer.
Can we try to contact my Uncle? You might have heard of him.
- He was the actor, marlon Brando. - Don't do marlon.
Don't have the Brando down.
Well, can you do a Sammy Davis Jr.
Well, let's just see if he's here.
That's where I left that thing.
♪ you can take an eyeball ♪
♪ dip it in a dream ♪
once again, the black keys!
Welcome to the Cosmopolitan lounge at the midtown marriott.
How many of you are from out of town?
All of you. What did you guys do today?
We went to the statue of liberty.
- We had pizza. - Very nice.
Well, now we have a special treat for you. This group is from right here in the big apple
and they are very authentic. Very true to the city.
So, please say hello to a taste of New York.
Good evening.
We are a taste of New York.
Just a taste.
We're from an area called between Avenue "b" and Avenue "c."
Is there anything you'd like to hear?
"New York, New York." "On Broadway."
Okay. We're going to get to those for sure. We're going to start out with this first.
See my television set
get swiped by a junkie
I guess it just got up and walked away
and paco upstairs
threw a chair through the window
the hustlers
like to drink out on the stoop
so we have a question for you
can we stay with you
oh, please
thank you you guys all having fun in New York?
Could you play something a little more upbeat
absolutely.
But we still have quite a few verses of this song. Listen
all the junkies on my block
hang out in my stairwell
some drag queens I know
hang out there too
I saw a family of rats
nesting in a baby crib
people on the subway are staring at my scabs
walking around the streets with my stockings all ripped
when I went into the drugstore
they called the cops on me
we have a question for you
can we stay with you
oh, please
play something else.
Okay we will. We will.
But first, can we stay with you?
- What. - No
can we stay with you? Or you? We've had a very challenging week.
No thank you no.
So we have a question for you
can we stay with you
I said we have a question for you
can we stay with you
oh, please
we have also noticed
that you need a room key to use the bathroom in the lobby.
So, our next song is also a question.
It's called "can we use your room key?" We're not going to go to your room.
So we have a question for you
can we use your room key
to use your bathroom
thank you thank you, black keys!
Thank you, wonderful cast!
Thank you, lorne Michaels! Thank you to all my friends who are here!
I love you all!
You are my favourite. I love it
hey! Never use your ***
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Saturday night live s36e11
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