1
00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:05,480
The following is a message from
New York mayor Michael Bloomberg.
2
00:00:08,170 --> 00:00:11,380
*****
3
00:00:11,380 --> 00:00:14,580
hello. I'm Michael Bloomberg.
4
00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:18,200
Two weeks ago tomorrow on December 26th,
5
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,320
New York City was hit by
what will be forever called
6
00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:24,450
the great blizzard of 2010.
7
00:00:25,340 --> 00:00:29,930
The snow began to fall on Sunday, and
by the time it stopped the next day,
8
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:32,770
there was snow everywhere.
9
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:38,530
On the streets, on the
ground, in the trees,
10
00:00:38,530 --> 00:00:42,500
even on those big rocks or
whatever in central park.
11
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,630
It was so deep, some city residents said,
12
00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:49,070
they couldn't even see the
sidewalk in front of their apartment
13
00:00:49,070 --> 00:00:51,850
until the building super shoveled it.
14
00:00:51,850 --> 00:00:54,330
It was, in short, a catastrophe
15
00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:57,720
and brought this city
to a complete standstill.
16
00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:01,340
Today as we continue to dig
ourselves out from this horror,
17
00:01:01,340 --> 00:01:04,770
many new yorkers are
left stunned, bewildered
18
00:01:04,770 --> 00:01:08,530
and overcome with feelings
of despair and hopelessness.
19
00:01:08,530 --> 00:01:11,560
Above all, we have questions.
20
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,460
Where does snow come from?
21
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,780
Is it dangerous?
22
00:01:17,780 --> 00:01:21,300
Will the snow stay forever?
23
00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:24,680
How do I get snow off my car?
24
00:01:25,020 --> 00:01:29,220
And what happens if snow touches suede?
25
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:35,350
Rest assured, my office is working
to find answers to these questions,
26
00:01:35,350 --> 00:01:38,350
and mental health professionals
are standing by to help those
27
00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:43,250
who find themselves overwhelmed
by the enormity of this event.
28
00:01:43,610 --> 00:01:46,360
In the meantime, we continue
to urge all new yorkers,
29
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:51,480
as we have throughout this
crisis, not to leave your apartment
30
00:01:51,830 --> 00:01:54,680
unless it is absolutely essential.
31
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,600
Don't even look out your windows.
32
00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:02,410
Should you run out of food, please
don't try to go out and get some.
33
00:02:02,410 --> 00:02:04,820
Don't be a hero.
34
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:08,870
Simply call a restaurant that delivers,
35
00:02:08,870 --> 00:02:12,370
and the Mexicans will bring you food.
36
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:19,290
Now, the big question, what are
we doing about removing the snow?
37
00:02:19,290 --> 00:02:22,530
Tonight, I am pleased to
report that, even as we speak,
38
00:02:22,530 --> 00:02:26,570
thousands of city sanitation
workers are out in the plows.
39
00:02:26,570 --> 00:02:29,050
They're not plowing yet.
40
00:02:29,050 --> 00:02:33,050
Right now they're playing
cards. That's in their contract.
41
00:02:33,050 --> 00:02:37,520
After they're done playing cards, they'll
look at Internet porn for an hour or so,
42
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,690
then stop for lunch.
43
00:02:39,690 --> 00:02:42,500
After that comes a two-hour break.
44
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:45,600
Then we'll send them home
early, also in their contract,
45
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:49,040
but they'll be back at
noon when overtime kicks in
46
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,750
and do some snow removal
for about an hour,
47
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:56,810
followed by a 90-minute work stoppage
to protest department layoffs.
48
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:59,900
After that they'll be
extremely intoxicated,
49
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:05,050
so our attorneys have advised us just
to send them home early, with pay,
50
00:03:05,050 --> 00:03:07,300
rather than risk the liability.
51
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:13,880
On a related note, I am pleased to report
that 16th street between 6th and 7th avenues
52
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:17,480
is now completely clear of snow.
53
00:03:17,850 --> 00:03:21,830
That's because of a
gas explosion and fire
54
00:03:21,830 --> 00:03:26,410
caused by one of our city
snowplows hitting a propane truck.
55
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:31,130
And let me assure you the driver
in question who was intoxicated
56
00:03:31,130 --> 00:03:33,660
will not be at the
wheel of a plow again.
57
00:03:33,660 --> 00:03:36,760
He has been promoted to supervisor.
58
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,710
Before concluding, I want to take
a moment to thank every new yorker
59
00:03:41,710 --> 00:03:46,630
for their astonishing courage and resolve
you have displayed throughout this ordeal
60
00:03:46,630 --> 00:03:50,420
and also to remind you
that no natural disaster,
61
00:03:50,420 --> 00:03:52,320
even one as devastating as this,
62
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:56,870
is ever an excuse for domestic violence,
63
00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,210
or for smoking.
64
00:04:01,180 --> 00:04:04,720
At some point, we will
overcome this crisis.
65
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:09,710
However long it takes, however
much it costs, I promise you,
66
00:04:09,710 --> 00:04:12,570
we will clear New York City of snow.
67
00:04:12,570 --> 00:04:17,650
And then, god willing, we
can start on queens.
68
00:04:19,270 --> 00:04:22,980
Thank you, and live from new
York, it's Saturday night!
69
00:04:22,980 --> 00:04:26,230
-=http://bbs.Sfileydy.Com=-
-=http://ytet.Org=- proudly presents
70
00:04:26,230 --> 00:04:28,670
-=http://bbs.Sfileydy.Com=-
-=http://ytet.Org=- sync:♪ËÎçľÓÐôÕ×ӳԵĺ£´ø.
71
00:04:28,670 --> 00:04:32,150
Saturday
night live s36e11
72
00:04:33,850 --> 00:04:36,970
with Fred armisen
73
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,680
Abby elliott
74
00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:51,300
bill hader
75
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,350
Seth meyers
76
00:05:01,140 --> 00:05:03,930
Bobby moynihan
77
00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:09,040
Andy samberg
78
00:05:11,730 --> 00:05:14,600
Jason sudeikis
79
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,370
kenan Thompson
80
00:05:23,810 --> 00:05:26,670
kristen wiig
81
00:05:30,260 --> 00:05:34,910
featuring.
Vanessa bayer
82
00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:41,050
Paul brittain
83
00:05:42,350 --> 00:05:45,040
taran killam
84
00:05:48,730 --> 00:05:51,940
nasim pedrad
85
00:05:54,470 --> 00:05:56,920
Jay pharoah
86
00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,620
musical guests ¨Cthe black keys
87
00:06:01,140 --> 00:06:06,130
and your host.
Jim carrey!
88
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:13,960
Ladies and gentlemen, jim carrey!
89
00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:38,070
Thank you! Thank you.
90
00:06:38,070 --> 00:06:41,530
How about those jets, new York?
91
00:06:43,310 --> 00:06:48,590
Great to be back. Who's
up for an amazing new year?
92
00:06:49,820 --> 00:06:55,070
Who thinks 2011 will
be the best year ever?
93
00:06:56,290 --> 00:07:00,490
Who thought 2010 was total crap?
94
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,980
I wouldn't want to go
through that again, huh?
95
00:07:04,460 --> 00:07:06,610
What a nightmare.
96
00:07:06,610 --> 00:07:09,060
I'm just looking forward.
That's what I'm doing.
97
00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:11,390
I've always been a very positive person.
98
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:14,420
Except when I'm angry
or depressed or hungry.
99
00:07:14,420 --> 00:07:16,250
And then I can be a real handful.
100
00:07:16,250 --> 00:07:20,240
But tonight, I'm seeing
the beauty in everything.
101
00:07:20,610 --> 00:07:22,360
Like right here in front of me.
102
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:27,280
I'm looking at two of the most
magnificent breasts I've ever seen.
103
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,560
- Congratulations, sir.
- Thank you, jim!
104
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,090
- Thank you!
- No problem. No problem.
105
00:07:33,090 --> 00:07:35,520
See, that's the kind of
energy I'm talking about
106
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:40,480
when I'm hosting "Saturday night live"!
107
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:51,710
Especially considering it's the very first
show of the last year of our existence.
108
00:07:52,810 --> 00:07:55,220
Dead birds are falling from the sky.
109
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,890
Some people say that's bad.
I say Arkansas eats free.
110
00:08:00,950 --> 00:08:04,150
Yes, sir. I'm bullish on the apocalypse.
111
00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:07,920
When life hands me lemon, you
make lemonade, you know?
112
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,960
When everyone around you bursts
into flames, it's time for smores.
113
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:16,240
When the earth opens
up, so will parking spaces.
114
00:08:16,740 --> 00:08:21,730
And when I see a river of
blood, I go kayaking, mister.
115
00:08:22,190 --> 00:08:24,820
But I would wear a condom.
116
00:08:25,610 --> 00:08:28,300
It is blood, after all.
117
00:08:32,050 --> 00:08:34,610
So let's celebrate
this new year together.
118
00:08:34,610 --> 00:08:39,830
Let's make this moment count.
Because frankly, that's all we've got.
119
00:08:40,490 --> 00:08:43,160
- How you doing, ma'am?
- Good. Good?
120
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,280
- You doing good tonight?
- Awesome.
121
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,920
- What's your name?
- Mindy.
122
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:51,550
You want to make this moment
here tonight, mindy, really count?
123
00:08:51,550 --> 00:08:55,950
- Absolutely.
- Marry me, mindy. Marry me.
124
00:08:55,950 --> 00:08:59,180
Marry me and make me the
happiest man in the world.
125
00:09:04,830 --> 00:09:07,340
Just let me make my case.
126
00:09:07,340 --> 00:09:10,680
First of all, I'm Jim carrey.
127
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:15,380
You know what that means. Mucho dinero.
128
00:09:16,230 --> 00:09:20,830
Big bucks. Even with
a prenup, really.*****
129
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:24,150
and if you get
pregnant, well, it's all over.
130
00:09:25,130 --> 00:09:27,100
So what's it going to be, mindy?
131
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:31,700
Please, please say yes.
132
00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:35,610
Mindy. Let me see that.
133
00:09:35,610 --> 00:09:39,430
Hold on. Just hold on.
134
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:43,990
Mindy, all right. Well, I guess I'm
going to have to wait, aren't I?
135
00:09:43,990 --> 00:09:47,600
- Yes.
- Okay. Come on, dude.
136
00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:53,160
- What's your name?
- Bob.
137
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:57,030
Bob, this is Bob, my new life partner.
138
00:09:57,610 --> 00:09:59,760
Thanks for nothing, mindy.
139
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:02,050
We'll see you. Black keys, coming back.
140
00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:06,140
We're going to go backstage now.
141
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:14,440
My parents are great. They
gave me so much in my life.
142
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,970
I just wish the one thing they hadn't
passed on was the baldness gene.
143
00:10:17,970 --> 00:10:21,710
It's been devastating as a woman
to have a problem with baldness.
144
00:10:21,710 --> 00:10:23,870
People can be very cruel.
145
00:10:23,870 --> 00:10:28,820
Millions of you have come to us as bosley hair
restoration to help ease the heartbreak of baldness,
146
00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:33,080
and have your hair restored naturally
to its original hairline and density.
147
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:38,510
Until now we've achieved this by transplanting live
follicles from the back of the head or donor area.
148
00:10:38,510 --> 00:10:40,860
But what if you're out of
hair back there to spare?
149
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:43,560
Well, using bosley's
breakthrough technique,
150
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:48,130
hair is harvested from the
mezzanine and brought to the head.
151
00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:53,070
Kind of like a neighbor walking over to
borrow a cup of sugar. It just makes sense.
152
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:57,590
And most importantly, it gives you
back the head of hair you remember.
153
00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:00,290
Thick and beautiful.
154
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,080
The bosley process
is just life-changing.
155
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,010
People are really looking
at me very, very differently.
156
00:11:07,010 --> 00:11:09,570
And it gives me all the
confidence I've ever wanted.
157
00:11:09,570 --> 00:11:14,700
I feel beautiful again. And
I still have plenty left.
158
00:11:15,190 --> 00:11:19,720
With luscious hair like
this, there's no stopping me.
159
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,900
I can even shower with my
new hair. It feels great!
160
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:27,850
These are just a few of the many
people who are amazed at their results.
161
00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:30,790
Call bosley now, and we'll give
you a free trial pluck and tuck.
162
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:34,140
So, you can see for yourself
what everyone's talking about.
163
00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:37,190
Now I've got all of life to
look forward to. I look great.
164
00:11:37,190 --> 00:11:39,510
Thanks, bosley.
165
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:17,710
That is very good, nina.
Your white swan is flawless.
166
00:12:17,710 --> 00:12:20,400
My problem is I'm not
casting the white swan.
167
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,600
I'm also casting the black swan.
168
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,870
One dancer, two roles.
169
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:29,780
While your white swan, again, is perfect, your
black swan is very disappointing.
170
00:12:29,970 --> 00:12:32,320
- I see.
- White swan, thumbs up.
171
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,510
- Black swan, not so much.
- I got it.
172
00:12:35,510 --> 00:12:39,740
- White swan, sure. Black swan, ew.
- *** please!
173
00:12:39,740 --> 00:12:44,370
Besides, there is someone whose
black swan is far superior.
174
00:12:44,370 --> 00:12:46,920
Who? Her?
175
00:12:49,090 --> 00:12:51,910
No, not her.
176
00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:54,670
Her!
177
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:02,130
Sorry I'm late.
178
00:13:02,130 --> 00:13:05,520
I had to go numbers three and four.
179
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,860
That's okay, lilly. Go warm up.
180
00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:10,470
Oh, I'm already warm.
181
00:13:10,470 --> 00:13:14,220
I'm all swampy in my pants.
182
00:13:14,220 --> 00:13:17,150
She's already warm. Isn't she great?
183
00:13:17,150 --> 00:13:19,690
So comfortable with her body.
184
00:13:19,690 --> 00:13:24,180
She even has two swan wings
stuck to it on her back.
185
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:31,480
I think those are, like, buffalo wings.
186
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,720
Lilly, black swan, now.
187
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,160
- Get ready to rock, bitches.
- ** that's my role.
188
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:44,390
I want you to watch her. I
want you to learn from her.
189
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:50,110
Watch the way she moves.
She's precise. Yet beautiful.
190
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:55,800
Watch as she becomes the black swan.
191
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,070
Yes. Yes.
192
00:14:01,070 --> 00:14:06,080
She is hungry. Hungry for bread crumbs.
193
00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:15,200
Watch. Watch as she seduces me.
194
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,670
She wants to possess me. To control me.
195
00:14:17,670 --> 00:14:19,430
She fears nothing.
196
00:14:19,430 --> 00:14:24,410
She's passionate, mysterious, dangerous.
197
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,550
***¡¡when you dance, you must seduce me.
198
00:14:39,550 --> 00:14:41,810
For no one enjoys
seduction more than me,
199
00:14:41,810 --> 00:14:45,070
the world's only straight
French male ballet choreographer.
200
00:14:45,070 --> 00:14:50,240
£¡¡but tomas, I can do it.
£¡¡***¡¡let me ask you a question.
201
00:14:50,380 --> 00:14:53,420
Would you have sex with this woman?
202
00:14:55,030 --> 00:14:59,150
Now, what about her? Would
you have sex with her?
203
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,480
Yes, absolutely, I would. Yes.
204
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:16,130
You see, nina, perhaps I have been unclear
205
00:15:16,130 --> 00:15:18,680
while your white swan is
good, your black swan is bad.
206
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,700
- Yeah. No, I got it.
- Because if you don't, I've prepared a chart.
207
00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:25,900
You see, this chart I made, you
can take it home with you.
208
00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:27,800
I'm not going to do that.
209
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,620
See, nina, you are the white
swan, pure, innocent, naive.
210
00:15:31,620 --> 00:15:33,780
You must become like the black swan.
211
00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:39,600
She is impulsive. She goes
to clubs. She does ecstasy.
212
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:43,370
I can do it, tomas. I know I can.
213
00:15:43,370 --> 00:15:46,880
There's only one way to decide
this. Both of you must dance.
214
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:51,160
And whoever can seduce
me will be the swan queen.
215
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:27,600
She's brilliant. She
stuck her gum in my ear.
216
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,940
I have made my decision.
217
00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:35,430
The swan queen will be Nina.
Because I see something in her.
218
00:16:36,650 --> 00:16:40,390
********
219
00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:45,100
and because lilly.
Lilly, because, lilly, when you climbed on me, I felt a penis.
220
00:16:45,510 --> 00:16:48,460
Fine. I'm out of here.
221
00:16:51,180 --> 00:16:55,360
But just remember, once
you go black swan,
222
00:16:55,440 --> 00:17:00,420
you never go back. Swan.
223
00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:15,200
*****
224
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:18,490
cee lo ****
225
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:36,150
******
226
00:17:36,510 --> 00:17:38,860
hello. And welcome to
"healing conversations.
227
00:17:38,860 --> 00:17:41,880
" I'm licensed therapist Zach twinefeld."
228
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,370
And today we are focusing
on how self-empowerment
229
00:17:44,370 --> 00:17:47,650
can be achieved through
healthy confrontation.
230
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:53,340
Now, ethan, you recently had a very
intense confrontation with your boss.
231
00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:54,960
Can you tell us what happened?
232
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:59,280
Yes. My boss is a real jerk. And
I was tired of dealing with it.
233
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,950
So I marched into his
office, got in his face,
234
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:05,730
and said,"you don't
like me, and I don't care.
235
00:18:05,730 --> 00:18:09,080
If you've got a problem
with me, that's on you, buddy.
236
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:14,030
You need to back off
and let me do my job.
237
00:18:15,090 --> 00:18:16,720
I bet he was surprised by that.
238
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,430
Oh, believe me, he was.
239
00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:22,150
- Well, let's see how it went.
- What?
240
00:18:22,150 --> 00:18:26,260
We have the security camera
footage. Let's roll it.
241
00:18:26,260 --> 00:18:31,830
Why don't you like me? Why?
242
00:18:31,830 --> 00:18:34,430
I like you!
243
00:18:34,430 --> 00:18:37,090
I try to do what you want.
244
00:18:37,090 --> 00:18:39,550
And I give you things!
245
00:18:39,550 --> 00:18:42,430
You never thank me!
246
00:18:42,430 --> 00:18:44,790
And I didn't have a dad.
247
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,940
And you know that!
248
00:18:57,450 --> 00:19:01,480
So did that change
things for you at work?
249
00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:06,610
No, he wasn't there yet.
I just yelled at his desk.
250
00:19:06,610 --> 00:19:10,860
I see. Well, you sure told his desk.
251
00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:17,360
Jessica, I understand you recently confronted
your sister about how she treats you.
252
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,440
Yes, zach.
253
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:23,020
My sister's a real Martha Stewart
type, a perfect mother and wife.
254
00:19:23,020 --> 00:19:27,030
And she always makes me feel less than.
255
00:19:27,030 --> 00:19:29,900
- But you spoke your mind, right?
- I sure did.
256
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:32,190
She started belittling
me at Christmas dinner,
257
00:19:32,190 --> 00:19:37,000
so I said,"Sherry, do not speak
to me in that condescending tone.
258
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,830
If you have issues with
the way I live my life,
259
00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:42,860
then keep it to yourself.
260
00:19:43,910 --> 00:19:48,070
- Bold words.
- Yeah. Well, she needed to hear it.
261
00:19:48,070 --> 00:19:52,040
Well, we recorded it on our
hidden camera. Let's take a look.
262
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:56,250
Look at me! I'm all alone!
263
00:19:56,250 --> 00:20:01,080
I have two vibrators! Two vibrators!
264
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:04,320
You have so many people who love you!
265
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,170
I want your life!
266
00:20:06,170 --> 00:20:10,860
Trade with me! Trade with me!
267
00:20:16,630 --> 00:20:19,490
What did you say at the end
there? I couldn't make it out.
268
00:20:19,490 --> 00:20:24,220
- I said "trade with me.
- Trade with me. That's what it was.
269
00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:26,390
Thank you, jessica.
270
00:20:26,390 --> 00:20:29,790
Now, garrett, you recently
were on a trip with your wife,
271
00:20:29,790 --> 00:20:33,740
- and she told you something shocking.
- Yes, she did.
272
00:20:33,740 --> 00:20:37,530
She told me she was
sleeping with another man.
273
00:20:37,530 --> 00:20:41,780
We were on a remote Mountain in
Vermont, where there were no cameras,
274
00:20:41,780 --> 00:20:44,710
but I can assure you I set her straight.
275
00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:46,970
Is that right? You
really laid down the law?
276
00:20:46,970 --> 00:20:51,460
Oh, yeah. I did.
277
00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:55,330
I looked her straight in the
eye, and I said, "I deserve better.
278
00:20:55,330 --> 00:20:59,510
We are done. Now get
the hell out of my life!
279
00:20:59,510 --> 00:21:03,820
" Incredibly assertive. And how
did it feel to take your power back?"
280
00:21:03,820 --> 00:21:08,620
Zach, it felt magnificent.
281
00:21:17,550 --> 00:21:20,930
- Well, we put a camera in your wife's mouth. Let's roll it.
- What?
282
00:21:21,460 --> 00:21:26,970
I can't believe you cheated on me! Why!
283
00:21:26,970 --> 00:21:30,290
I'm so sorry.
284
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:33,320
No. Don't leave. Don't leave!
285
00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:40,080
I'm done eating.
286
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:45,500
I'll die of starvation! Then you'll see!
287
00:21:50,250 --> 00:21:55,640
Sounds like you set her straight, from
what I could hear through your sobbing.
288
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,750
We're still together.
289
00:21:57,750 --> 00:22:00,780
And the guy she's seeing
is pretty cool, so...
290
00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:03,600
well, how nice for
you.Good work, everyone.
291
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,900
We'll see you next time. Good night.
292
00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:10,050
****
293
00:22:11,930 --> 00:22:15,730
well, hello! Let me ask
you a personal question.
294
00:22:15,730 --> 00:22:18,130
How's your love life? A little stale?
295
00:22:18,130 --> 00:22:22,970
I'm Brady Wilson, here to say that
variety makes everything more spicy.
296
00:22:22,970 --> 00:22:26,200
You and your spouse wouldn't have
the same meal every day for dinner.
297
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,330
So why do the same thing
over and over in the bedroom?
298
00:22:29,330 --> 00:22:32,160
Get the full spectrum with this DVD,
299
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,880
grady Wilson's "tantric n' tasty.
300
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:39,100
" I've been all over the world exploring
new sexual techniques for your marriage."
301
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:40,990
I'm ready to share them with you.
302
00:22:40,990 --> 00:22:43,350
Moves like the Ben and Jerry.
303
00:22:43,350 --> 00:22:47,610
Now, you want to walk up to the
counter, pick yourself out a flavor,
304
00:22:47,610 --> 00:22:51,720
and then scoop it out. Scoop it out.
305
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,260
Oh, that's good. Scoop it out.
306
00:22:54,260 --> 00:22:56,350
The mission impossible.
307
00:22:56,350 --> 00:23:00,070
Don't touch the
floor, now. Don't touch it!
308
00:23:02,860 --> 00:23:04,740
Lockdown!
309
00:23:04,740 --> 00:23:06,970
And the slumdog millionaire.
310
00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:10,680
Jal-ho! Yes, yes, yes, yes.
311
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:14,440
Jal-ho! Yes, yes, yes, yes.
312
00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:18,860
Tasty. You're asking how
did I learn all these moves?
313
00:23:18,860 --> 00:23:22,380
Well, it came from a special
friend. Come on in here.
314
00:23:22,380 --> 00:23:25,700
This is Lee licious.
315
00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:28,630
- Namaste.
- It is nasty.
316
00:23:28,630 --> 00:23:30,160
Lee is an erotic novelist.
317
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,740
We met at the Baltimore
podiatry institute
318
00:23:32,740 --> 00:23:35,530
when we both audited a
class on ladies foot care.
319
00:23:35,530 --> 00:23:39,200
Lee has been to India three times.
320
00:23:43,410 --> 00:23:45,240
Massaging the chakras.
321
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,850
And Lee can show you some of the
freakiest eastern techniques ever.
322
00:23:48,850 --> 00:23:52,670
- Things like.
- The oil rig.
323
00:23:52,670 --> 00:23:55,680
Now, for this one we
go just off the coast.
324
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,820
And put our drill bit down.
325
00:23:57,820 --> 00:24:01,130
Pump it, pump it, pump
it, pump it. A lot of fun.
326
00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:03,390
But if it bursts, you're
going to need a big cleanup.
327
00:24:03,390 --> 00:24:06,570
The market fluctuation.
328
00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:09,540
Stocks are rising. And then plunge.
329
00:24:09,540 --> 00:24:12,000
Stocks are rising. And then plunge.
330
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,380
You think you're safe, and
then you're screwed.
331
00:24:14,380 --> 00:24:18,220
Over and over and over and over!
332
00:24:18,220 --> 00:24:21,140
The sneaky baboon.
333
00:24:22,210 --> 00:24:26,660
You pop in for a quickie.
And you're back in the trees.
334
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:32,340
Now, that's taking the
Booty to exotic places.
335
00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:35,080
There's even techniques for groups like
336
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:36,520
the two lumberjacks.
337
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,230
Okay, now for this one you want
to put your partner in the middle,
338
00:24:39,230 --> 00:24:41,850
grab hands and use your saw.
339
00:24:41,850 --> 00:24:44,310
Cut that tree down. Cut it down.
340
00:24:44,310 --> 00:24:46,250
- Is the tree down yet?
- Not yet.
341
00:24:46,250 --> 00:24:48,470
- Is the tree down yet?
- Almost.
342
00:24:48,470 --> 00:24:52,080
- Oh, there she goes.
- Timber!
343
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:54,300
The endless clown car.
344
00:24:58,190 --> 00:25:00,570
So many clowns.
345
00:25:03,030 --> 00:25:04,210
The elliptical machine.
346
00:25:04,210 --> 00:25:06,900
All right. For this one someone
has to be the elliptical.
347
00:25:06,900 --> 00:25:10,600
You put your partner in the
middle, climb on and grab the legs,
348
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:14,370
and you just climb the
hill. Yeah, climb the hill.
349
00:25:14,370 --> 00:25:17,370
Now you're getting across country.
350
00:25:17,370 --> 00:25:19,120
The wrath of ganache.
351
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,170
Oh, you had angla ganache?
352
00:25:21,170 --> 00:25:24,570
Now you will get the trunk.
353
00:25:31,110 --> 00:25:33,480
Now, that's tantric tastic.
354
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,890
So call today for grady
Wilson's "tantric and tasty.
355
00:25:36,890 --> 00:25:39,970
" And stimulate your chakras today."
356
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:48,400
The following is a paid advertisement
for time life's DVD collection.
357
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:52,670
It was the must-see and most
important urban music show ever.
358
00:25:52,670 --> 00:25:55,190
It was the hippest trip in America.
359
00:25:55,190 --> 00:26:00,720
It was the.
"Soul train"!
360
00:26:01,330 --> 00:26:05,410
Hello and welcome back to our
celebration of "soul train.
361
00:26:05,410 --> 00:26:10,410
" I'm smoky Robinson's white-half
brother, coffee Robinson.
362
00:26:10,740 --> 00:26:15,070
For those of you who loved our eight-disc
collection "the best of soul train,"
363
00:26:15,070 --> 00:26:18,680
but weren't satisfied with
only 120 hours of footage,
364
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:22,960
we are now proud to present
"the worst of soul train"
365
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:27,110
featuring all the acts from the '70s
and '80s that you tried to forget
366
00:26:27,110 --> 00:26:32,390
like shooting star with their
song "rheumatoid arthritis.
367
00:26:34,540 --> 00:26:38,390
♪ I've got pain in my
joints say ow ow ow ♪
368
00:26:38,390 --> 00:26:43,360
♪ I've got swelling in
my knees say ow ow ow ♪
369
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:48,310
♪ my arthritis is acting up ♪
370
00:26:50,830 --> 00:26:54,420
or how about disco blip Gary st. Marbulis
371
00:26:54,420 --> 00:26:57,100
with "I saw you.
372
00:26:58,810 --> 00:27:01,790
♪ then I turned around ♪
373
00:27:01,790 --> 00:27:04,370
♪ there on the ground ♪
374
00:27:04,370 --> 00:27:08,200
♪ I saw you ♪
375
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:13,640
♪ I just saw my best friend
die on the dance floor ♪
376
00:27:16,430 --> 00:27:22,540
"and don't forget, all 26 members of the
Maxwell family performing their hit, "
377
00:27:22,540 --> 00:27:25,960
only one bathroom.
378
00:27:29,300 --> 00:27:33,860
♪ there's only one bathroom
and there's 26 of us ♪
379
00:27:33,860 --> 00:27:38,690
♪ I only get to shower
every other month ♪
380
00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:42,950
♪ why did my parents
keep on having kids ♪
381
00:27:42,950 --> 00:27:45,860
♪ our house is stinky ♪
382
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:51,060
and maybe you will remember triangle
Sally with her only recorded song,
383
00:27:51,060 --> 00:27:54,480
"I have a triangle.
384
00:28:04,190 --> 00:28:09,770
" Triangle Sally.
Triangle Sally died halfway through that song,"
385
00:28:09,770 --> 00:28:12,420
and we did not edit it out.
386
00:28:12,420 --> 00:28:15,660
And there are many more
non-legends from the '70s and '80s
387
00:28:15,660 --> 00:28:19,320
like daddy big hat and sheryl.
388
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,590
Klami ydia.
389
00:28:21,590 --> 00:28:23,940
Dell newborn.
390
00:28:23,940 --> 00:28:26,810
And Gary obramowicz.
391
00:28:26,810 --> 00:28:31,920
Plus some of the original
"soul train" dancers.
392
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:35,760
What? Yeah? Hi.
393
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,100
And, of course, there are even worse bands
394
00:28:42,100 --> 00:28:46,650
like this space-age
mess called robotics.
395
00:28:47,890 --> 00:28:50,710
♪ does robot drink champagne ♪
396
00:28:50,710 --> 00:28:54,740
♪ get the robot drink champagne ♪
397
00:28:55,420 --> 00:28:58,150
that was the entire song.
398
00:28:58,150 --> 00:29:02,420
And if you like the Billy
ocean, you will dislike ocean Billy.
399
00:29:02,420 --> 00:29:07,000
With "get out of my
car and into my trunk.
400
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:12,110
♪ get out of my car ♪
401
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,050
♪ get into my trunk ♪
402
00:29:16,700 --> 00:29:19,380
I said get in the trunk!
403
00:29:20,150 --> 00:29:23,040
That guy was a real ticking time bomb.
404
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:26,800
And, of course, there was
the man himself, diversity.
405
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:31,660
With a magical little number
called,"I need just one.
406
00:29:33,410 --> 00:29:39,510
♪ girl we've been together
such a long long time ♪
407
00:29:39,830 --> 00:29:44,840
♪ and when you're near
me my heart does shine ♪
408
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:50,110
♪ so I got to ask before
we start it's a question ♪
409
00:29:50,110 --> 00:29:53,080
♪ straight from my heart ♪
410
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:56,820
♪ can I see one titty ♪
411
00:29:56,820 --> 00:29:59,200
♪ oh girl ♪
412
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:02,460
♪ just give me one titty ♪
413
00:30:06,530 --> 00:30:10,550
♪ I just want to see one
of your titties, girl ♪
414
00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:16,020
so why wait order the
"very worst of soul today
415
00:30:16,020 --> 00:30:19,130
or they'll kill me
416
00:30:37,070 --> 00:30:41,010
ladies and gentlemen, the black keys!
417
00:31:00,030 --> 00:31:03,280
♪ I must admit I can't explain ♪
418
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:07,880
♪ any of these thoughts racing
through my brain it's true ♪
419
00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:11,380
♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪
420
00:31:16,490 --> 00:31:19,730
♪ there's something
wrong with this plot ♪
421
00:31:19,730 --> 00:31:24,560
♪ the actors here have not got a clue ♪
422
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:27,730
♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪
423
00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:05,960
♪ mockingbird can't you see ♪
424
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:10,960
♪ little girl she got
a hold on me like glue ♪
425
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:14,630
♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪
426
00:32:19,430 --> 00:32:22,520
♪ throw the ball to the stick ♪
427
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:27,470
♪ a swing and miss in the
catcher's mitt strike two ♪
428
00:32:27,470 --> 00:32:31,380
♪ baby I'm howlin' for you ♪
429
00:34:13,100 --> 00:34:17,690
weekend update with Seth meyers.
430
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:23,550
" Good evening, I'm Seth meyers, and
here are tonight's top stories."
431
00:34:23,660 --> 00:34:29,550
{6}****
432
00:34:23,750 --> 00:34:29,550
on Wednesday, outgoing speaker of the house Nancy
pelosi transferred power to her successor, john boehner.
433
00:34:29,550 --> 00:34:32,170
And in a rare sign of
affection between the rivals...
434
00:34:32,170 --> 00:34:35,100
"look out, nancy! He's got a hammer!"
435
00:34:38,940 --> 00:34:44,930
{6}******
436
00:34:37,750 --> 00:34:40,760
" the republican effort to have the
constitution read aloud on Thursday"
437
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:44,930
was interrupted several times
including when readers skipped two pages
438
00:34:44,930 --> 00:34:48,360
when a democrat complained that
passages regarding slavery were omitted
439
00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:52,980
and when a birther in the gallery shouted out that
president Obama was not eligible to be in office,
440
00:34:52,980 --> 00:34:56,920
and it didn't help that this
music was playing the whole time.
441
00:35:02,340 --> 00:35:07,410
{6}*****
442
00:35:00,460 --> 00:35:05,190
democrat Jerry brown was sworn in Monday
as governor of California nearly 28 years
443
00:35:05,190 --> 00:35:07,410
after he last served
in that same office.
444
00:35:07,410 --> 00:35:10,050
Brown says that his first
order of business is to find
445
00:35:10,050 --> 00:35:13,780
that loose floorboard
where he hid his weed.
446
00:35:18,820 --> 00:35:24,390
{6}****
447
00:35:17,710 --> 00:35:21,390
it was reported Thursday that just
three weeks after Elizabeth Edwards died,
448
00:35:21,390 --> 00:35:24,480
John Edwards proposed to
his mistress, rielle hunter,
449
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:30,170
so the two of them can look forward to
many, many years of being booed in restaurants.
450
00:35:31,900 --> 00:35:36,270
This week, outgoing house speaker Nancy
pelosi handed over her ceremonial gavel
451
00:35:36,270 --> 00:35:38,950
to incoming speaker of the
house, republican John boehner.
452
00:35:38,950 --> 00:35:44,160
Here to comment, representative Nancy
pelosi and speaker John boehner.
453
00:35:48,150 --> 00:35:50,360
- Hello, young man.
- Hello.
454
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:52,570
Well, thank you both for being here.
455
00:35:52,570 --> 00:35:55,680
It's our pleasure. And for
your late-night audience,
456
00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:58,820
I'd like to hand over the gavel
to John boehner once again.
457
00:35:58,820 --> 00:36:00,640
Oh, very good. Thank you.
458
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,510
And Nancy, since I didn't
give you a gavel on Tuesday,
459
00:36:03,510 --> 00:36:07,270
I'd like to give you
one tonight if I can.
460
00:36:07,980 --> 00:36:09,590
There you go.
461
00:36:09,940 --> 00:36:14,500
For all I know, this is a jab at my
reduced role and my San Francisco district,
462
00:36:14,500 --> 00:36:16,420
I do not mind its size.
463
00:36:16,420 --> 00:36:20,540
Unlike speaker boehner, I
am secure in my manhood.
464
00:36:26,630 --> 00:36:28,160
Now, representative boehner, as speaker,
465
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:32,030
you'll be in charge of shepherding new tea party
candidates who have never been in office before.
466
00:36:32,030 --> 00:36:35,300
I'm not worried how tea party
members will perform in congress.
467
00:36:35,300 --> 00:36:37,700
There are other issues.*****
468
00:36:37,700 --> 00:36:41,220
some tea party members did not
realize they will get chairs
469
00:36:41,220 --> 00:36:43,970
and brought their own lawn furniture.
470
00:36:45,330 --> 00:36:48,370
But they are good-hearted
Americans. They love their country.
471
00:36:48,370 --> 00:36:54,370
They love this great nation of ours.
472
00:36:58,370 --> 00:37:01,360
I think the speaker's choking up.
473
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:06,440
Oh, what doesn't make
him cry, seth? Watch this.
474
00:37:06,790 --> 00:37:09,910
Little American flag.
475
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:14,640
An old man saluting a parade.
476
00:37:16,790 --> 00:37:20,930
A son coming home and making folgers.
477
00:37:22,430 --> 00:37:24,370
Love it. Do more.
478
00:37:25,210 --> 00:37:28,500
Reruns of "touched by an angel.
479
00:37:30,150 --> 00:37:33,800
" Reruns of "Magnum p.I.
480
00:37:35,180 --> 00:37:39,120
" Now watch this. Millions
without health care."
481
00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:42,590
Amazing.
482
00:37:42,590 --> 00:37:45,980
Now, representative pelosi, the
republican house is gaining momentum
483
00:37:45,980 --> 00:37:48,550
with their health care repeal effort.
484
00:37:48,550 --> 00:37:54,290
We plan to mount a campaign against the
repeal of president Obama's health care plan.
485
00:37:54,290 --> 00:37:57,860
To be fair, democrats could have done
that during the midterm elections.
486
00:37:57,860 --> 00:38:00,500
We could have, seth, but
we had reason not to.
487
00:38:00,500 --> 00:38:04,480
- And that was?
- Basic cowardice.
488
00:38:05,170 --> 00:38:07,990
But now.
Now we're treating it this separate like a campaign.
489
00:38:07,990 --> 00:38:10,560
Yeah, but you just had
an actual campaign.
490
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:13,850
That's right. And we
whiffed it on purpose.
491
00:38:13,850 --> 00:38:15,630
We're keeping the Republicans guessing.
492
00:38:15,630 --> 00:38:18,640
They can't read my.
- Can't read my...
493
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:23,460
can't read my joker face.
494
00:38:25,110 --> 00:38:27,160
I feel like I'm being ignored
here. Face the facts, nancy.
495
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:29,300
Your days are over. I'm in charge now.
496
00:38:29,300 --> 00:38:32,780
You can barely get
elected minority leader.
497
00:38:33,500 --> 00:38:37,030
A puppy in a red, white and
blue bandana sits near a door.
498
00:38:37,030 --> 00:38:40,280
A soldier walks in carrying his bags.
499
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:45,320
The puppy greets him
with barks and kisses.
500
00:38:46,850 --> 00:38:50,850
John boehner and Nancy pelosi, everyone.
501
00:38:57,080 --> 00:39:02,410
{6}*****
502
00:38:58,010 --> 00:39:02,410
according to a new poll, president
Obama's approval rating is at 50%,
503
00:39:02,410 --> 00:39:04,290
its highest level in seven months.
504
00:39:04,290 --> 00:39:09,840
Of course, it helps that the poll was
taken at a brown university drum circle.
505
00:39:12,290 --> 00:39:17,630
{6}*****
506
00:39:11,070 --> 00:39:15,440
a new edition of the mark twain classic "the
adventures of huckleberry finn" is being published
507
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:17,630
that will remove all
mentions of the "n" word.
508
00:39:17,630 --> 00:39:21,240
Worse, they plan to
replace them with "homie.
509
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:29,720
{6}******
510
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:26,940
" Claire Buffy, who is
currently miss New York,"
511
00:39:26,940 --> 00:39:29,720
said when she competes in the
upcoming miss America pageant,
512
00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:32,690
she'll be championing gay
rights as part of her campaign.
513
00:39:32,690 --> 00:39:34,620
Sounds like someone's
finally figured out
514
00:39:34,620 --> 00:39:38,030
who still watches the
miss America pageant.
515
00:39:41,150 --> 00:39:44,840
There's a lot of news out there, but
here with the news he heard secondhand
516
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:49,740
is our secondhand news
correspondent, anthony crispino.
517
00:39:50,450 --> 00:39:53,200
Hey, seth. How's it going?
518
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:55,090
Great to be back.
519
00:39:55,090 --> 00:39:57,040
- Did you get a haircut?
- I did.
520
00:39:57,460 --> 00:40:00,370
No need to brag about it.
521
00:40:02,810 --> 00:40:05,180
What have you heard newswise?
522
00:40:05,180 --> 00:40:09,560
Well, first of all, you
hear about this Oprah?
523
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:11,450
No. What about her?
524
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:14,760
She finally got her own tv set.
525
00:40:15,450 --> 00:40:20,350
Until now, now if she wanted to watch
tv, she had to go to Gayle's house.
526
00:40:20,350 --> 00:40:24,960
No, oprah just got her own tv
network. It's called o.W.N.
527
00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:28,550
Nah, I'm pretty sure it's
because she has own tv set, seth.
528
00:40:28,550 --> 00:40:33,210
And now she's having her friends
over like Dr. j and the wizard of oz.
529
00:40:34,540 --> 00:40:38,510
- Who told you that?
- Who told me that? My fireworks guy, donny eyebrow.
530
00:40:38,510 --> 00:40:42,310
Well, donny eyebrow was misinformed.
531
00:40:42,310 --> 00:40:46,650
Okay. All right.But, uh,
532
00:40:46,650 --> 00:40:51,710
you hear about the gays in the military?
533
00:40:52,030 --> 00:40:55,470
They're allowed to use
the alphabet now. Yeah.
534
00:40:55,470 --> 00:40:56,790
- The alphabet?
- Yes.
535
00:40:56,790 --> 00:41:01,130
They repealed the law "don't
speak, don't spell. " Yeah.
536
00:41:01,130 --> 00:41:02,900
You know who was against it, though?
537
00:41:02,900 --> 00:41:07,250
John MacLaine from "die hard.
538
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,400
" It's true. He kept yelling
"yippee ki-ay, soldier lovers!
539
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:12,610
" No."
540
00:41:12,610 --> 00:41:16,200
- Where did you hear that?
- Where did I hear that? My cousin, hooker Janet.
541
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:20,420
Okay. Well, hooker Janet's not accurate.
542
00:41:20,420 --> 00:41:23,380
Okay.**
543
00:41:23,380 --> 00:41:28,550
- so, you hear the thing about congress, though?
- What?
544
00:41:28,550 --> 00:41:33,660
You know, turns out that republican John
boehner, he's got new speakers for his house.
545
00:41:33,660 --> 00:41:35,630
- No.
- It's true.
546
00:41:35,630 --> 00:41:39,420
He got them from snooki's
mom, nancy pelizzi.
547
00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:44,660
First of all, it's Nancy pelosi, and
boehner is the new speaker of the house.
548
00:41:44,660 --> 00:41:48,420
I'm pretty sure he's getting
new speakers, you know,
549
00:41:48,420 --> 00:41:51,970
because he's having a tea
party, you know, for Mr. t.
550
00:41:51,970 --> 00:41:54,890
I pity the fool who misses that.
551
00:41:55,230 --> 00:41:57,580
- Who told you that?
- Who told me that?
552
00:41:57,580 --> 00:42:01,770
I was talking to the
new governor, andrew homo.
553
00:42:02,370 --> 00:42:03,760
- The new governor.
- No, it's not.
554
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:06,410
- I think that's the new governor.
- ****
555
00:42:06,410 --> 00:42:09,670
that was not the governor.
All right. Anything else?
556
00:42:09,670 --> 00:42:12,170
Yeah. Finally, ooh.
557
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:18,350
You.
You hear about this Brett favre? Yeah.
558
00:42:18,350 --> 00:42:21,400
He announced he's retarded.
559
00:42:21,900 --> 00:42:26,380
It seems like every year he's saying
he's retarded and then he's not retarded.
560
00:42:26,380 --> 00:42:30,480
Now he's finally going
to be retarded for good.
561
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:32,790
- No, he's not retarded.
- Oh, really?
562
00:42:32,790 --> 00:42:36,030
Then why did he take a
picture of his dingaling?
563
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:40,170
**** Anthony crispino, everybody.
564
00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:48,030
****
565
00:42:48,030 --> 00:42:51,600
zookeepers in Germany
entered the lion enclosure
566
00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:54,610
after a baby penguin wandered in
there and stayed there for a day.
567
00:42:54,610 --> 00:42:56,720
But by the time they
arrived, it was too late.
568
00:42:56,720 --> 00:42:59,180
All the lions were dead.
569
00:43:03,190 --> 00:43:13,350
{6}*****
570
00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:07,220
it was reported Mickey Rourke is
planning to remove his two front teet
571
00:43:07,220 --> 00:43:09,680
so that he can play a famous
rugby star in a new movie.
572
00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:13,350
Oh, no, then his face might look weird.
573
00:43:17,090 --> 00:43:29,060
{6}******
574
00:43:16,720 --> 00:43:20,520
a couple in Pennsylvania got married
new year's day followed up the ceremony
575
00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:24,740
by joining members of the polar bear
club in jumping into an icy local river
576
00:43:24,740 --> 00:43:29,060
in what I'm guessing was a real
roller-coaster day for the man's penis.
577
00:43:33,500 --> 00:43:37,100
Scientists are investigating
why 5,000 red-winged blackbirds
578
00:43:37,100 --> 00:43:39,640
fell out of the sky over
Arkansas on new year's day.
579
00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:41,880
Here now to help explain
is Arkansas native
580
00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:44,780
and the lone survivor
from this bizarre incident,
581
00:43:44,780 --> 00:43:47,840
Cameron the red-winged blackbird.
582
00:43:51,610 --> 00:43:52,870
Hello.
583
00:43:52,870 --> 00:43:54,180
Hey, cameron, buddy. How you holding up?
584
00:43:54,180 --> 00:43:56,340
I'm pretty good, seth, you know,
585
00:43:56,340 --> 00:44:01,210
except for everyone I ever
knew dying all around me.
586
00:44:06,690 --> 00:44:08,190
So what happened up there, man?
587
00:44:08,190 --> 00:44:13,350
Well, I've considered many theories, you
know, fireworks or power lines.
588
00:44:13,350 --> 00:44:15,330
But only one makes sense.
589
00:44:15,330 --> 00:44:17,990
It's the end of days for birds, seth.
590
00:44:17,990 --> 00:44:20,520
- You mean the apocalypse?
- No.
591
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:23,620
The aflockalypse.
592
00:44:23,860 --> 00:44:27,860
Squawk, squawk, squawk!
593
00:44:30,980 --> 00:44:34,860
- Aflockalypse? Like apocalypse for birds?
- Yeah.
594
00:44:35,220 --> 00:44:38,540
Look, scientists are saying it's
probably just like a hailstorm.
595
00:44:38,540 --> 00:44:42,370
Well, if it was a hailstorm, then how
come all those fish are dying, too?
596
00:44:42,370 --> 00:44:45,900
Oh, right. It was also reported thousands
of fish died in the Arkansas river.
597
00:44:45,900 --> 00:44:48,390
I heard that was totally
unrelated to the bird deaths.
598
00:44:48,390 --> 00:44:51,520
- That's not what my friend says.
- Who's your friend?
599
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:55,210
- Hi, seth.
- Who are you?
600
00:44:55,210 --> 00:44:59,490
- I'm Everett the fish. Cameron.
- Everett.
601
00:45:01,970 --> 00:45:05,050
What do you think happened?
602
00:45:05,050 --> 00:45:09,910
Seth, I have numerous theories, but
the only one that makes sense to me
603
00:45:09,910 --> 00:45:14,030
is ¨Cthe apocafish.
604
00:45:25,370 --> 00:45:27,010
So, like...
605
00:45:27,010 --> 00:45:31,410
**** the apocafish.
606
00:45:31,410 --> 00:45:34,000
**** tell me
607
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:39,710
***** how did it happen
at the exact same time?
608
00:45:39,710 --> 00:45:44,270
Well, there's a small chance
that we made God angry.
609
00:45:44,270 --> 00:45:45,540
How?
610
00:45:45,540 --> 00:45:49,980
Well, everett and I have lain together.
611
00:45:51,110 --> 00:45:52,490
What?
612
00:45:52,490 --> 00:45:56,680
You know, seth, lain together.
613
00:45:56,680 --> 00:46:00,370
- So you two are.
- A couple we are an item.
614
00:46:00,690 --> 00:46:05,270
I don't mean to pry, but where
do a bird and fish even meet?
615
00:46:05,270 --> 00:46:08,770
Like right where the
water meets the sky.
616
00:46:08,770 --> 00:46:13,130
- It's called the surface, seth.
- Right.****
617
00:46:13,130 --> 00:46:17,700
I'm sure the fact that you've been laying together
has nothing to do with the bird and fish deaths.
618
00:46:17,700 --> 00:46:21,900
Then the only other explanation would
be the ending of the "Oprah winfrey show.
619
00:46:21,900 --> 00:46:24,850
- Oprah?
- That's right, seth.
620
00:46:24,850 --> 00:46:28,170
Oprahcalypse!
621
00:46:28,170 --> 00:46:30,840
You get a car!
622
00:46:34,300 --> 00:46:36,330
She's very generous.
623
00:46:36,330 --> 00:46:40,610
Cameron the blackbird and
Everett the fish, everyone.
624
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:47,970
******
625
00:46:47,970 --> 00:46:53,290
according to new research senior citizens
who walk faster live longer because, you know, t
626
00:46:53,290 --> 00:46:56,900
hat red light's not
going to stay red forever.
627
00:47:02,030 --> 00:47:06,350
{6}****
628
00:47:01,350 --> 00:47:06,350
"Jersey shore" star jenni "j-woww" farley
this week asked a judge to bar her ex-boyfriend
629
00:47:06,350 --> 00:47:10,250
from releasing nude photos from her
before and after she had surgery.
630
00:47:10,250 --> 00:47:14,800
I guess she wants people to think of her as
j-woww, and forget when she used to be j- meh.
631
00:47:17,340 --> 00:47:20,430
{6}*****
632
00:47:16,350 --> 00:47:20,440
according to new research, people attending heavy
metal concerts can give themselves brain damage
633
00:47:20,440 --> 00:47:24,970
if they move their heads more than 75
degrees while keeping beat with the music.
634
00:47:24,970 --> 00:47:27,440
Because if there are two
things metal heads are good at,
635
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:32,450
it's geometry and caring about
what happens to their brain.
636
00:47:33,260 --> 00:47:36,860
For "w week *****
637
00:47:58,560 --> 00:48:02,710
the maryville trolley ride. Honey, I
haven't been on this in forever.
638
00:48:02,710 --> 00:48:04,290
Yeah. Your sister told
me it was your favorite.
639
00:48:05,160 --> 00:48:08,490
Oh, look, here come the
maryville brothers.
640
00:48:08,970 --> 00:48:11,250
♪ if you join with a
friend in a friendly song ♪
641
00:48:11,250 --> 00:48:13,590
♪ then you'll have
friendship all day long ♪
642
00:48:13,590 --> 00:48:15,790
♪ so come along and sing all day ♪
643
00:48:15,790 --> 00:48:19,550
♪ because that's the
maryville brother way ♪
644
00:48:28,010 --> 00:48:30,170
oh, aren't they great?
645
00:48:30,170 --> 00:48:32,040
Actually, they creep me out a little bit.
646
00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:34,750
Oh, they're not creepy. They're cute.
647
00:48:35,500 --> 00:48:38,290
- What was that?
- I don't know.
648
00:48:38,730 --> 00:48:43,540
Sorry, folks. We should be
up and running in no time.
649
00:48:43,540 --> 00:48:47,390
- This better be quick.
- Relax.
650
00:48:48,260 --> 00:48:50,450
♪ if you join with a
friend in a friendly song ♪
651
00:48:50,450 --> 00:48:52,820
♪ then you'll have
friendship all day long ♪
652
00:48:52,820 --> 00:48:55,040
♪ so come along and sing all day ♪
653
00:48:55,040 --> 00:48:58,760
♪ because that's the
maryville brother way ♪
654
00:49:04,860 --> 00:49:07,370
why aren't they going away?
655
00:49:10,290 --> 00:49:12,570
Did you see him wink at me?
656
00:49:12,570 --> 00:49:16,080
Honey, you're scared. That's so cute.
657
00:49:16,080 --> 00:49:19,170
At least we're moving.
658
00:49:20,060 --> 00:49:22,250
♪ if you join with a
friend in a friendly song ♪
659
00:49:24,650 --> 00:49:28,150
♪ so come along and sing all day ♪
660
00:49:30,260 --> 00:49:35,220
- well, why did they stop?
- Oh, nothing.
661
00:49:35,220 --> 00:49:38,630
I think he's coming for me.
662
00:49:40,050 --> 00:49:42,040
I think he tried to eat my face!
663
00:49:42,040 --> 00:49:45,780
♪ that's the maryville brother way ♪
664
00:49:49,790 --> 00:49:52,950
- get me out of this car.
- Honey, calm down.
665
00:49:52,950 --> 00:49:55,800
Hey, sorry, folks. This is a real mess.
666
00:49:55,800 --> 00:49:57,680
Everyone's going to get a full refund.
667
00:49:57,680 --> 00:50:00,820
The bad news is we have
to evacuate the ride.
668
00:50:00,820 --> 00:50:04,200
I can take one of you at a time.
So miss, will you come with me?
669
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:08,550
- I'll see you outside, honey.
- Wait!****
670
00:50:09,340 --> 00:50:12,010
don't just leave me here!
671
00:50:13,610 --> 00:50:15,800
♪ if you join with a
friend in a friendly song ♪
672
00:50:15,800 --> 00:50:18,360
♪ and you'll have
friendship all day long ♪
673
00:50:18,360 --> 00:50:20,600
♪ so come along and sing all day ♪
674
00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:24,340
♪ because that's the
maryville brother way ♪
675
00:50:26,430 --> 00:50:28,970
***
676
00:50:51,450 --> 00:50:54,270
I cannot believe that we're actually
doing this, paying money to some psychic.
677
00:50:54,270 --> 00:50:56,550
Honey, you said you'd keep an open mind.
678
00:50:56,550 --> 00:50:59,100
I'm trying to contact
my Uncle. How about you?
679
00:50:59,100 --> 00:51:01,300
My father. He passed away last spring,
680
00:51:01,300 --> 00:51:05,090
and I just wish I could
speak to him one last time.
681
00:51:05,500 --> 00:51:10,180
That can be arranged.
682
00:51:11,080 --> 00:51:13,200
Pardon me my lateness.
683
00:51:13,360 --> 00:51:15,270
I was in the bathroom.
684
00:51:15,270 --> 00:51:17,130
I didn't hear a flush.
685
00:51:17,130 --> 00:51:19,630
Let's begin.
686
00:51:19,630 --> 00:51:24,860
I am alessandra.
687
00:51:24,860 --> 00:51:26,800
You've all lost loved ones.
688
00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:31,080
But I commune with the dead
and channel their spirits.
689
00:51:31,080 --> 00:51:34,770
Wait a sec. Do I know
you from somewhere?
690
00:51:35,450 --> 00:51:41,030
Well, in the early '80s I was prominent
celebrity impressionist Allen munch.
691
00:51:41,030 --> 00:51:43,490
Yeah. Remember, honey?
692
00:51:43,490 --> 00:51:47,260
- He was on "comic relief" three times.
- Four times.
693
00:51:47,260 --> 00:51:49,420
But those days are behind me.
694
00:51:49,780 --> 00:51:52,040
It's good you're not a comedian anymore
695
00:51:52,040 --> 00:51:54,910
because we're really
looking for answers today.
696
00:51:54,910 --> 00:51:58,480
Do not worry. I am a psychic medium.
697
00:51:58,480 --> 00:52:02,180
And I take these grief
seances very seriously.
698
00:52:02,180 --> 00:52:03,650
Take my hand.
699
00:52:03,650 --> 00:52:06,580
I didn't hear a sink either.
700
00:52:07,770 --> 00:52:10,150
Take my hand.
701
00:52:11,790 --> 00:52:14,390
There is a spirit here.
702
00:52:14,860 --> 00:52:18,520
There is a spirit in this room.
703
00:52:18,890 --> 00:52:22,460
A man. I can see his face.
704
00:52:22,460 --> 00:52:25,270
- Is it my father?
- No.
705
00:52:25,270 --> 00:52:30,720
It's - it's - show
yourself, spirit.
706
00:52:30,720 --> 00:52:36,110
It's none other than Mr. Jimmy Stewart.
707
00:52:41,330 --> 00:52:45,820
That lady up on top of the capitol dome,
708
00:52:46,130 --> 00:52:51,020
dad gummit, that lady
stands for liberty.
709
00:52:53,750 --> 00:52:57,420
- That sounded just like Jimmy Stewart.
- Thank you.
710
00:52:57,420 --> 00:52:59,680
He was the spirit who was here.
711
00:52:59,680 --> 00:53:02,610
Why would Jimmy Stewart
want to contact us?
712
00:53:02,610 --> 00:53:04,990
I cannot answer that question.
713
00:53:04,990 --> 00:53:06,680
I'm just a humble medium.
714
00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:09,610
A vessel through which they speak.
715
00:53:09,610 --> 00:53:12,470
Well, can we try to contact my father?
716
00:53:12,470 --> 00:53:16,290
Yes. Take my hand.
717
00:53:23,540 --> 00:53:26,430
I see a spirit.
718
00:53:26,430 --> 00:53:29,360
- Is it my father?
- No.
719
00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:34,660
Unless your father was
the great Billie holiday.
720
00:53:34,660 --> 00:53:38,620
No way. No way.
721
00:53:41,450 --> 00:53:49,210
♪ nobody's business I do ♪
722
00:53:53,930 --> 00:53:57,480
I really wanted to speak to my father.
723
00:53:57,480 --> 00:54:01,520
- I've seen your father!
- What does he have to say?
724
00:54:02,580 --> 00:54:07,770
He wants to talk about "growing pains.
725
00:54:07,770 --> 00:54:12,350
" Because he's tv's
favorite father, alan thicke!"
726
00:54:14,790 --> 00:54:19,380
Michael seaver, if I find out
you've been cutting class,
727
00:54:19,380 --> 00:54:23,720
you can kiss that new mustang good-bye.
728
00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,350
Hey, wait a minute.
729
00:54:27,350 --> 00:54:29,180
What? Too soon?
730
00:54:29,180 --> 00:54:33,870
No, I'm pretty sure Alan thicke
is still alive. Like 60% sure.
731
00:54:33,870 --> 00:54:37,860
That was great! No one does a thicke!
732
00:54:38,160 --> 00:54:39,700
Do more spirits.
733
00:54:39,700 --> 00:54:41,230
- Miss piggy is with us.
- ****
734
00:54:41,230 --> 00:54:42,900
the fictional puppet miss piggy?
735
00:54:42,900 --> 00:54:47,260
Yes, kermie, you're my favorite frog.
736
00:54:47,260 --> 00:54:50,850
Wait, wait, wait. Is Kermit here, too?
737
00:54:50,850 --> 00:54:53,690
I'm afraid so.
738
00:54:53,690 --> 00:54:57,610
It's not easy being green
739
00:54:57,610 --> 00:55:02,100
- stop doing your act.
- How dare you!
740
00:55:02,100 --> 00:55:04,270
I can't control the spirits!
741
00:55:04,270 --> 00:55:09,410
Just like you can't
control Mr. Charles Bronson.
742
00:55:10,710 --> 00:55:12,460
Hey, scumbag.
743
00:55:12,460 --> 00:55:16,250
You make me want to puke.
744
00:55:16,250 --> 00:55:18,120
- Awesome.Awesome.
- ****
745
00:55:18,120 --> 00:55:20,350
honey, we're going to miss his closer.
746
00:55:24,010 --> 00:55:27,080
Can we try to contact my Uncle?
You might have heard of him.
747
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:31,530
- He was the actor, marlon Brando.
- Don't do marlon.
748
00:55:32,040 --> 00:55:33,790
Don't have the Brando down.
749
00:55:34,260 --> 00:55:37,720
Well, can you do a Sammy Davis Jr.
750
00:55:37,720 --> 00:55:42,620
Well, let's just see if he's here.
751
00:55:48,270 --> 00:55:51,010
That's where I left that thing.
752
00:55:51,480 --> 00:55:54,390
♪ you can take an eyeball ♪
753
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:57,370
♪ dip it in a dream ♪
754
00:56:15,050 --> 00:56:19,740
once again, the black keys!
755
01:00:01,080 --> 01:00:03,590
Welcome to the Cosmopolitan
lounge at the midtown marriott.
756
01:00:03,590 --> 01:00:06,270
How many of you are from out of town?
757
01:00:06,270 --> 01:00:09,200
All of you.
What did you guys do today?
758
01:00:09,200 --> 01:00:11,570
We went to the statue of liberty.
759
01:00:11,570 --> 01:00:15,370
- We had pizza.
- Very nice.
760
01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:19,820
Well, now we have a special treat for you.
This group is from right here in the big apple
761
01:00:19,820 --> 01:00:22,350
and they are very authentic.
Very true to the city.
762
01:00:22,350 --> 01:00:27,150
So, please say hello to a taste
of New York.
763
01:00:44,090 --> 01:00:46,180
Good evening.
764
01:00:47,230 --> 01:00:50,950
We are a taste of New York.
765
01:00:52,210 --> 01:00:54,960
Just a taste.
766
01:00:54,960 --> 01:01:01,600
We're from an area called
between Avenue "b" and Avenue "c."
767
01:01:02,250 --> 01:01:04,860
Is there anything you'd like to hear?
768
01:01:04,860 --> 01:01:08,010
"New York, New York."
"On Broadway."
769
01:01:08,010 --> 01:01:13,990
Okay. We're going to get to those for sure.
We're going to start out with this first.
770
01:01:17,110 --> 01:01:20,140
See my television set
771
01:01:20,140 --> 01:01:23,500
get swiped by a junkie
772
01:01:24,730 --> 01:01:30,150
I guess it just got up
and walked away
773
01:01:31,870 --> 01:01:35,440
and paco upstairs
774
01:01:35,440 --> 01:01:39,560
threw a chair through the window
775
01:01:39,560 --> 01:01:42,400
the hustlers
776
01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:45,970
like to drink out on the stoop
777
01:01:46,070 --> 01:01:49,800
so we have a question for you
778
01:01:50,310 --> 01:01:53,460
can we stay with you
779
01:01:54,450 --> 01:01:59,500
oh, please
780
01:02:00,830 --> 01:02:04,920
thank you
you guys all having fun in New York?
781
01:02:04,920 --> 01:02:08,330
Could you play something a little more upbeat
782
01:02:08,330 --> 01:02:10,870
absolutely.
783
01:02:14,240 --> 01:02:19,250
But we still have quite a few
verses of this song. Listen
784
01:02:23,280 --> 01:02:26,390
all the junkies on my block
785
01:02:26,390 --> 01:02:29,700
hang out in my stairwell
786
01:02:30,850 --> 01:02:33,680
some drag queens I know
787
01:02:33,680 --> 01:02:37,650
hang out there too
788
01:02:38,450 --> 01:02:42,080
I saw a family of rats
789
01:02:42,080 --> 01:02:45,530
nesting in a baby crib
790
01:02:47,910 --> 01:02:53,640
people on the subway
are staring at my scabs
791
01:02:54,410 --> 01:02:59,980
walking around the streets
with my stockings all ripped
792
01:03:00,420 --> 01:03:03,500
when I went into the drugstore
793
01:03:03,500 --> 01:03:07,330
they called the cops on me
794
01:03:07,330 --> 01:03:11,110
we have a question for you
795
01:03:11,590 --> 01:03:15,240
can we stay with you
796
01:03:15,240 --> 01:03:20,270
oh, please
797
01:03:20,270 --> 01:03:22,760
play something else.
798
01:03:22,760 --> 01:03:26,100
Okay we will. We will.
799
01:03:26,100 --> 01:03:30,770
But first, can we stay with you?
800
01:03:30,770 --> 01:03:33,020
- What.
- No
801
01:03:33,620 --> 01:03:38,600
can we stay with you?
Or you? We've had a very challenging week.
802
01:03:38,600 --> 01:03:40,860
No thank you
no.
803
01:03:40,860 --> 01:03:44,570
So we have a question for you
804
01:03:44,570 --> 01:03:47,570
can we stay with you
805
01:03:47,570 --> 01:03:51,660
I said we have a question for you
806
01:03:51,660 --> 01:03:55,620
can we stay with you
807
01:03:56,070 --> 01:04:01,150
oh, please
808
01:04:02,240 --> 01:04:05,120
we have also noticed
809
01:04:05,120 --> 01:04:10,370
that you need a room key to use the
bathroom in the lobby.
810
01:04:11,330 --> 01:04:14,640
So, our next song is also a question.
811
01:04:15,300 --> 01:04:20,330
It's called "can we use your room key?"
We're not going to go to your room.
812
01:04:20,770 --> 01:04:24,580
So we have a question for you
813
01:04:24,580 --> 01:04:27,800
can we use your room key
814
01:04:27,800 --> 01:04:33,560
to use your bathroom
815
01:04:44,960 --> 01:04:48,930
thank you thank you, black keys!
816
01:04:48,930 --> 01:04:52,040
Thank you, wonderful cast!
817
01:04:52,040 --> 01:04:56,530
Thank you, lorne Michaels!
Thank you to all my friends who are here!
818
01:04:56,530 --> 01:04:59,140
I love you all!
819
01:04:59,140 --> 01:05:01,930
You are my favourite.
I love it
820
01:05:03,320 --> 01:05:06,620
hey! Never use your ***
821
01:05:50,130 --> 01:05:56,330
-=http://bbs.Sfileydy.Com=-
-=http://ytet.Org=- proudly presents
822
01:05:56,330 --> 01:06:02,200
-=http://bbs.Sfileydy.Com=-
-=http://ytet.Org=- sync:±»×ÖÄ»¿ÓËÀµùµÄº£´ø.
823
01:06:02,200 --> 01:06:08,200
Saturday
night live s36e11
824
01:06:08,201 --> 01:06:18,000
=== www.addic7ed.com ===