1 00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:03,433 ##[Upbeat Pop] 2 00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:06,869 ##[Man Vocalizing] 3 00:00:12,145 --> 00:00:13,772 ##[Ends] 4 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,414 [Ted Narrating] Kids, when your best friend loses someone... 5 00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:18,074 My dad's dead? 6 00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,080 You drop everything and rush to his side... 7 00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,654 only to find yourself... 8 00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:25,020 standing there with no idea what to do or say. 9 00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:27,025 This is the toughest time in Marshall's life... 10 00:00:27,127 --> 00:00:29,027 and I feel absolutely useless. 11 00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:30,892 I mean, what can we do to help? 12 00:00:30,997 --> 00:00:32,464 Well, don't look at me. This morning... 13 00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:34,032 Marshall said, "I have to pee." 14 00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,068 And I said, " don't worry, baby. I'll do it for you." 15 00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:39,161 Halfway through the pee, I'm, like, "This doesn't even make sense." 16 00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:42,105 I've been to a couple funerals, so I know my role. 17 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,505 I'm vice girl. 18 00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,475 Whatever Marshall needs to get through this day... 19 00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:47,045 I got it right here. 20 00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:50,241 - Whoa. - Whoa. 21 00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:51,817 Cigarettes, alcohol. 22 00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:53,385 Are these firecrackers? 23 00:00:53,486 --> 00:00:54,953 My God, Robin... 24 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,523 you've somehow crammed Tijuana into a purse. 25 00:00:57,624 --> 00:00:58,318 [Laughs] 26 00:00:58,425 --> 00:01:00,359 Be cool, nerds. 27 00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:02,860 [Muttering] 28 00:01:02,962 --> 00:01:04,520 Marshall's mom hasn't eaten... 29 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:07,600 slept or sat down since we got here. 30 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:09,964 Wait. That could be my role. 31 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,765 I'll take care of Judy. 32 00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:15,034 Yeah, but doesn't Marshall's mom hate y... the fact that you two aren't very close? 33 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:16,768 [Whispers] Sweet save. 34 00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:19,401 Okay, yes. Judy and I aren't besties... 35 00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:21,742 but today, whatever she needs, I'm there. 36 00:01:21,848 --> 00:01:22,974 I'm on Judy duty. 37 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:23,879 [Both Laugh] 38 00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:24,745 "Judy duty." 39 00:01:24,851 --> 00:01:25,818 She said "doody." 40 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,887 Really, guys? At a funeral? 41 00:01:27,987 --> 00:01:29,215 Uh, okay. 44 00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:35,220 we have to laugh today. 45 00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:37,228 - It's healthy. - Wait a minute. 46 00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:40,595 Today we are gonna make Marshall laugh. 47 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:41,496 How? 48 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:42,693 Ted... 49 00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:44,463 what's the one thing that always cracks him up? 50 00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:46,129 Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts. 51 00:01:46,239 --> 00:01:48,434 Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts. Exactly! 52 00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:51,772 So, we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad-rattler. 53 00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:53,778 You search knees, feet, banisters... 54 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,347 fire hydrants and diving boards. 55 00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:57,245 And I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks... 56 00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:58,681 golf clubs and riding crops. 57 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,480 - What about animals? - Ah! 58 00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:02,054 Claws, paws, talons. 59 00:02:02,155 --> 00:02:03,884 Hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists. 60 00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:05,457 We can do this! 61 00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:07,025 Hey, guys. Sorry. Um... 62 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,493 I left my charger back in New York, so my phone's out of juice. 63 00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:11,257 - Does anyone have a... - Outlet or USB? 64 00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:13,799 Uh, outlet. Thank you. 65 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:16,200 Oh. [Chuckles] 66 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:19,100 - Hey, you really do have everything in there, don't you? - Mm-hmm. 67 00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,969 You're like Mary Poppins if her magic purse was also filled with drugs. 68 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:23,235 "lf"? 69 00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:26,039 Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting... 70 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,580 and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. 71 00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:32,276 "Spoonful of sugar?" [Scoffs] Grow up. 72 00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:33,283 [Lily Groans] 73 00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,313 I'm so sorry for your loss, Judy. 74 00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:41,121 Thank you, Reverend. We're so happy that you're going to lead the services today. 75 00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,195 Unfortunately, I can't. 76 00:02:43,296 --> 00:02:46,459 My daughter in Chicago just went into labor. 77 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:49,126 But I'm leaving you in the capable hands... 78 00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:51,669 of my second-in-command... my son. 79 00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:53,864 [Clears Throat] Your son? 80 00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:56,237 Oh, you remember Trey. I'll go grab him. 81 00:02:58,411 --> 00:02:59,378 Guys... 82 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,778 Trey Platt terrorized me growing up. 83 00:03:02,882 --> 00:03:05,180 He was... He was the toughest bully in school. 84 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,253 What's up, Marshall? 85 00:03:08,288 --> 00:03:10,188 Hello, Trey. 86 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:11,757 Long time. 87 00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:15,052 I was not aware that you had become a reverend. 88 00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:17,220 Yeah, well, your lunch money finally ran out. 89 00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:19,157 Kidding. 90 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:23,400 Marshall Eriksen, you could use a laugh! 91 00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:25,061 [Exclaims, Clears Throat] 92 00:03:25,171 --> 00:03:26,968 This video is entitled... 93 00:03:27,073 --> 00:03:28,734 "Little League Coach Gets Hit in the Nuts... 94 00:03:28,841 --> 00:03:31,002 by a Foul Ball and Then Vomits in a Garbage Can." 95 00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:33,578 I don't want to give anything away. Let's just watch. 96 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,170 - [Sharp Crack] - [Man Groans, Vomits] 97 00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:37,340 [Together] Oh! 98 00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:38,781 [Laughs] 99 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,410 - See, 'cause... 'cause he got hit... - Right in the nuts. 100 00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:43,284 - And then the fat kid... - The fat kid just keeps... 101 00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:44,913 - runs away. - running away. 102 00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:46,389 Trey Platt. 103 00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:49,525 I can't believe my father's funeral service... 104 00:03:49,629 --> 00:03:53,030 is being led by Trey "the Noogie Machine" Platt. 105 00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:56,295 That guy gave you noogies? What, did he carry a stepladder? 106 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,704 He made me carry it. 107 00:04:00,006 --> 00:04:01,473 So my dad asks these questions... 108 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:05,237 to help create a theme for the service, or... whatever. 109 00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:07,608 Question one. 110 00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:09,739 "What were your last words with the deceased?" 111 00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:11,111 [Scoffs] Lame. 112 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,719 - Question two. - Wait. 113 00:04:15,154 --> 00:04:17,384 My last words with Marvin were lovely. 114 00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:19,549 I've been thinking about them a lot. 115 00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:23,925 Me too. We went for a hike in the snow and had this amazing talk. 116 00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:27,295 My last day with Pop, he taught my son how to skate. 117 00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:32,901 Well, this is clearly yielding nothing. 118 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,473 Thanks, Dad. 119 00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:37,270 Guess I'll have to fill the time with some jokes... again! [Scoffs] 120 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:42,243 "Last words" seems like a good theme. 121 00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:45,408 Marshall, do you remember the last thing your father said to you? 122 00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:49,017 - Bye, sweetie. - Bye, Mom. 123 00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:51,581 Son... 124 00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,250 there's something I want to say before I leave. 125 00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,027 Yeah, Dad? 126 00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:02,697 Could I snag that extra pork chop for the flight? 127 00:05:03,903 --> 00:05:05,871 I was gonna make a sandwich with that, Dad. 128 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,940 - D'ah! - Don't they have food on the plane? 129 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,942 Yeah, but plane food is ass. 130 00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:14,804 "Plane food is ass." 131 00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:20,048 Those are the last words my father will ever say to me. 132 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:23,179 Right after I denied the man a pork chop. Oh, God. 133 00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:30,362 - Ooh! - Wait! I'm wrong! 134 00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:34,229 I'm wrong! That wasn't it. They couldn't find a cab. 135 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,461 - Hey! Marshall! - [Marshall] So my dad called up from the street. 136 00:05:36,569 --> 00:05:37,536 Marshall! 137 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,903 Looks like rain out here! 138 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:44,909 I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet. 139 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:47,571 You know who probably has an umbrella? 140 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,081 And then... Well, see, my dad grew up in a small town... 141 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,745 in another generation, so sometimes, totally well-meaningly... 142 00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,321 he'd say stuff like... 143 00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:59,482 The Koreans across the hall! 144 00:05:59,592 --> 00:06:02,823 Yeah, the Koreans are a trustworthy and generous people. 145 00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:06,296 - Dad... - I bet you one of the Koreans has an umbrella. 146 00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:08,833 l... Heck, they're Koreans! 147 00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:14,703 My dad's last words to me were a string of... 148 00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:16,866 odd racial stereotypes. 149 00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:18,841 All that stuff was really nice. 150 00:06:18,945 --> 00:06:21,072 - Yeah, it's positive racism. - Mmm. 151 00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:24,013 This is worse than the pork chop. 152 00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,218 This next clip is entitled... 153 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,881 "Guy Playing Bagpipes Gets Hit in the Nuts by Low-flying Seagull." 154 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:32,685 Let's see what happens. 155 00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:33,952 - Let's take a... - ##[Bagpipes] 156 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,755 - [Seagull Squawking] - [Together] Here... 157 00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:37,659 - [Together] Here it comes, and here... - [Thud] 158 00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,527 - Oh! - Oh! 159 00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:41,532 - ##[Bagpipes Deflate] - [Laughing] 160 00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:43,761 - 'Cause he gets hit... - Right in the nuts. 161 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:46,361 And then... The fat kid just... 162 00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:48,906 - His swim trunks fall off. - His shorts just fall right off. 163 00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:50,635 No, wait. I'm wrong. 164 00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:53,940 That wasn't it. They couldn't find a cab, so I went down there. 165 00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:59,109 Hey. You were right. The Kangs did, in fact, have an umbrella. 166 00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:01,880 - Of course they did. - Bye, sweetie. Mwah! 167 00:07:05,224 --> 00:07:07,249 Hey, Son, uh... 168 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:10,557 I just want to leave you with a little advice. 169 00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:16,500 Rent Crocodile Dundee 3. 170 00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:19,230 I caught it on the cable last night. It totally holds up! 171 00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:25,542 Crocodile Dundee 3 is the second-best of the Croc trilogy, so... 172 00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:27,476 - You know, maybe I can live with that. - Yeah. 173 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:30,071 - [Phone Beeps] - Oh. Sorry. My phone's charged. 174 00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:35,251 I, uh... I hear you're a woman who can get things. 175 00:07:35,354 --> 00:07:38,289 I have been known to locate certain objects from time to time. 176 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:41,292 I need vodka and dirty playing cards. 177 00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:43,695 I got you. 178 00:07:46,899 --> 00:07:48,298 Oh, my God. 179 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:50,096 What is it? 180 00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:53,995 I have a voice mail from my dad. 181 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:03,681 - You have a voice mail from your dad? - How? 182 00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:08,083 My phone's been out of juice, so he must have called me the day that he, uh... 183 00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:12,984 Baby, are you okay? 184 00:08:13,092 --> 00:08:15,151 I hold in my hand... 185 00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,889 the last words my father will ever say to me. 186 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,397 I'm gonna hit "play." [Inhales] 187 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,665 What's wrong? 188 00:08:26,772 --> 00:08:29,707 What if it's worse than "Crocodile Dundee 3"? 189 00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:34,376 - I can't do this. I c... - [Clattering] 190 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,414 - [Groans] - My mom is about to collapse. 191 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,950 - I'm gonna take... - No, no, baby. Baby, I got it. Let me. 192 00:08:41,153 --> 00:08:42,780 You know, you should listen to it. 193 00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:44,823 Just don't put too much pressure on it. 194 00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:46,824 She's right. I mean, this idea that... 195 00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:49,394 someone's last words have to be profound and meaningful... 196 00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:51,053 I mean, who can live up to that? 197 00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:52,391 [Barney] Exactly. 198 00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:54,398 All those "famous last words" people supposedly said... 199 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:55,899 they're all made-up. 200 00:08:56,002 --> 00:09:00,564 Like that patriotic dude, Nathan Hale, from third-grade history? 201 00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:02,334 My only regret... 202 00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:05,774 is I have but one life to lose for my country. 203 00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,279 You know what his real last words were? 204 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,873 [High-pitched Voice] I'm peeing my pants! 205 00:09:12,785 --> 00:09:14,685 True story. 206 00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:17,950 The point is, last words are overrated. 207 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:19,786 Look, think of it this way. 208 00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:23,020 You get to hear your dad's voice one last time. 209 00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:26,121 I should go listen to this... alone. 210 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,460 - Yeah. - Okay? I'll be right back. 211 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:28,534 Okay. 212 00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:33,535 Hey. 213 00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:35,539 So, um, I heard you might have... 214 00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:37,268 You heard right. 215 00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:39,071 [Whispers] I'm getting a reputation. 216 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,274 So what you need, mama? Come here. 217 00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:47,619 Guys, listen to what just happened. 218 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:51,656 Judy, do you need a break? I'm happy to cook for a while. 219 00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:55,249 You think your snobby New York cooking is better than mine! 220 00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:57,556 Admit it! Well, go ahead, Lily! 221 00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:03,659 Why don't you just whip up a batch of your fancy tofu-sushi bagels... 222 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,760 and choke on them! 223 00:10:05,871 --> 00:10:07,600 - Whoa. - Are you okay? 224 00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:08,605 Listen. 225 00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,903 [Yawns] 226 00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:14,241 I'm gonna go take a nap. 227 00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:17,407 Judy's finally sleeping, and it's all because of me. 228 00:10:17,516 --> 00:10:21,077 Guys, I have a role. I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah! 229 00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:25,351 Well... But this day is tough on you too. You sure you can absorb all that? 230 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:28,120 Yeah! Robin gave me a little orange pill from her purse. 231 00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:31,628 I don't know what's in it, but things are flowing pretty smooth right now. 232 00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:33,096 Hey. Stay hydrated. 233 00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:36,133 Hey. 234 00:10:36,235 --> 00:10:37,532 So? 235 00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:41,797 I couldn't listen to it. Guys, this is hard. 236 00:10:41,907 --> 00:10:44,933 We know, baby, but you'll always wonder if you don't. 237 00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:48,605 Your dad loved you. It almost doesn't matter what he said. 238 00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:50,614 - It doesn't matter. - Guys... Guys... 239 00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:54,277 What if, God forbid, all of your dads died right now? 240 00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,719 What would their last words to you have been? Seriously. 241 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:00,987 I know mine. 242 00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:03,357 When I was in Cleveland last month... 243 00:11:03,462 --> 00:11:05,794 I went to visit my dad at his... 244 00:11:05,898 --> 00:11:08,628 post-divorce bachelor pad. 245 00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:12,295 Been fun bro-in' out with you tonight, T-Dawg. 246 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,838 Yeah. 247 00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:16,499 I'm so glad we can talk about our sex lives now. 248 00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:19,601 That's totally an improvement. 249 00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:22,203 I hooked up with a younger woman the other week. 250 00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,748 Donna Bromstead. 251 00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,317 My prom date? 252 00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,086 How far did you get, T-Dawg? 253 00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:32,853 I have to go. 254 00:11:34,126 --> 00:11:35,650 [Marshall Shudders] 255 00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:38,821 How would you like those to be your father's last words? 256 00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:42,367 Well, they might be. Donna Bromstead's husband is a cop. 257 00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,365 Lawyered. 258 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,001 Lily. 259 00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:54,772 - [Phone Rings, Beeps] - Hello? 260 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,780 Lily? It's Dad. 261 00:11:56,882 --> 00:12:00,613 Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years... 262 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,211 but... bright side... I thought of a great new board game... 263 00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:06,052 Tax Evasion. Ages six to 10. 264 00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:08,820 Which is ironically what I might be looking at. [Chuckles] 265 00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:12,022 Anyway, pumpkin, I need $15,000. 266 00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:13,598 Fooled ya! 267 00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:16,793 Leave a message after the beep. We'll get back to ya. 268 00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:19,393 [High-pitched Voice] Beep. 269 00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:22,637 [Whimpers] 270 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:23,936 Lawyered. 271 00:12:25,644 --> 00:12:27,805 Robin. 272 00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:31,371 And so, despite the endless disappointment you've caused me... 273 00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:34,749 I pray that this will finally be the year... 274 00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:38,017 that you achieve something of actual significance. 275 00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:40,922 I'd love to stop lying to my friends about you being in a coma. 276 00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:45,255 Anyway, point is... 277 00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:46,854 happy birthday, R.J. 278 00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,433 - Ooh. Wow! - God. 279 00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:51,560 - That's awful. - Nope. Here's the awful part. 280 00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:54,833 You remembered my birthday! 281 00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,002 Lawyered. 282 00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:02,842 Now, can we all just admit that last words... 283 00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,643 are, in fact, a big deal? 284 00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:06,411 - Yes. - Yes. 285 00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:09,181 Man. I always thought I had it rough... 286 00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,756 not really knowing my dad, but... 287 00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:16,294 now I realize at least I'll never have to suffer like this. 288 00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:19,728 Our next video is called " German Shepherd Activates Tennis Ball Cannon... 289 00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:21,823 - While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink." - Okay, Barney... 290 00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:25,267 Please, and, Barney, no more videos, okay? I'm just... 291 00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:27,168 I just need a minute. 292 00:13:28,707 --> 00:13:32,438 Okay. Okay, who is responsible for this? 293 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,979 Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? 294 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,344 She is 15 years old! 295 00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:39,440 Whoa! They grown 'em big out here. 296 00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,611 And here's your phone number back. 297 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:42,846 [Chuckles] 298 00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:47,151 - Judy, l... - l-I did it. 299 00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:51,059 What possible excuse could you have for this? 300 00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:54,690 I'm from New York. We think getting minors drunk is funny. 301 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:58,258 There's nothing funny about getting minors drunk! 302 00:13:58,370 --> 00:14:00,600 You should be ashamed, Lily! 303 00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:01,832 Ashamed! 304 00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:08,008 Mmm! Oh, boy, it's so tasty. 305 00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:09,580 Mmm! Mmm! 306 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:13,550 That salad's the first food she's eaten in two days. 307 00:14:13,652 --> 00:14:16,815 Sure, it's mostly cheese, mayonnaise and jelly beans, but it counts. 308 00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:18,480 Well, at least someone's helping. 309 00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,422 We haven't made Marshall laugh once. 310 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,050 Yeah. 311 00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:25,722 Showing videos of guys getting hit in the nuts wasn't gonna do anything. 312 00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:27,594 - That was just stupid. - Stupid. 313 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,669 What we need to do is hit each other in the nuts. 314 00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:32,964 Yes! 315 00:14:33,072 --> 00:14:35,233 Nothing beats the immediacy of live theater! 316 00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:37,809 But which one of us is gonna take the hit? 317 00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,844 - Hey, Marshall. - Mm. 318 00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:41,435 - Ooh! - [Laughs] 319 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,811 [Groaning] So that's it? No discussion? 320 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,348 I'm not gonna listen. 321 00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:50,354 "Rent Crocodile Dundee 3"... 322 00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:54,916 are the last words that my father will ever say to me, and... 323 00:14:55,027 --> 00:14:56,995 I think I can live with that. 324 00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:00,562 [Ted, Groaning] Is he laughing? 325 00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:03,794 [Ted Narrating] And Marshall really did think he could live with that. 326 00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:06,700 That is, until later, at the memorial service. 327 00:15:06,805 --> 00:15:09,865 My last talk with Marvin... 328 00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:12,341 was so lovely. 329 00:15:12,444 --> 00:15:16,039 The stories his mother and brothers told were so perfect. 330 00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:18,446 Then he picked my crying son up off the ice... 331 00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:20,245 he gave him a hug and said... 332 00:15:20,352 --> 00:15:23,913 "Champ, it doesn't matter if you fall down once in a while." 333 00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:25,490 And as we hiked... 334 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,718 a little deer appeared on the path. 335 00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:30,124 She hopped over to Dad and started eating... 336 00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:32,720 right out of his hand. 337 00:15:32,831 --> 00:15:34,856 And then he kissed me. 338 00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,434 And he said... 339 00:15:36,535 --> 00:15:38,765 "I will always be proud of you." 340 00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:41,066 "Life is such a gift." 341 00:15:41,173 --> 00:15:43,869 "You know something, gorgeous? 342 00:15:43,976 --> 00:15:47,104 I'm the luckiest man alive." 343 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:48,975 [Sniffling] 344 00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:50,241 [Voice Breaking] Lame. 345 00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:51,907 These stories suck. 346 00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:55,646 It doesn't hold a candle to your Crocodile Dundee thing. 347 00:15:55,754 --> 00:15:57,346 Mm-mmm. 348 00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,048 [Marcus] He reminded me to slow down. 349 00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:01,092 You're up next, baby. 350 00:16:02,161 --> 00:16:03,958 [Marcus Continues, Indistinct] 351 00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:06,031 I just need some air. 352 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,131 Baby, are you okay? 353 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,871 I have to listen to it. 354 00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:32,614 It's a pocket dial. 355 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,984 It's nothing. 356 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,873 Okay, so it's a pocket dial. 357 00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:53,138 You know, you have so many great memories with your dad. 358 00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:55,076 Who cares about the last one? 359 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,977 - She's right. - [Murmuring Agreement] 360 00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:58,811 You guys don't get it, okay? 361 00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:00,851 None of you do. 362 00:17:02,421 --> 00:17:03,888 My dad was my hero. 363 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,552 And he was my teacher. 364 00:17:07,659 --> 00:17:09,559 And he was my best friend. 365 00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:14,055 He always came through for me. 366 00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:16,891 And now he's just gone. 367 00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:20,195 And what am I left with? 368 00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:23,866 [Distorted Chattering, Static] 369 00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:26,668 Thanks a lot, God! 370 00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:27,837 Thank you. 371 00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:30,414 You took my father. 372 00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:33,542 The greatest man that I have ever known. 373 00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:36,678 And you ripped him off this earth way too young. 374 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,620 [Static Continues] 375 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,851 And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. 376 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,420 But we got this voice mail. 377 00:17:47,466 --> 00:17:50,526 Thank you so much for the voice mail. It's a great comfort! 378 00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:53,070 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel Ionely... 379 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:57,108 or sad or... or you know what... or maybe a little bit cheated... 380 00:17:57,209 --> 00:17:59,871 at least I got the sound of his pocket to console me. 381 00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:02,469 - Marshall... - How is this fair? 382 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:06,142 You know, like, an entire human life... 383 00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:08,947 and it just ends for no reason. 384 00:18:09,054 --> 00:18:10,715 And... 385 00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,723 And what are we left with? 386 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,850 [Static Continues] 387 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,791 [Marvin] Marshall? 388 00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:19,887 Ohl Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. 389 00:18:19,998 --> 00:18:22,228 [Laughs] How's my pocket sound? 390 00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:25,565 [Laughs] Oh, sorry about that, buddy. 391 00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:30,040 Um, anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. 392 00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:32,110 I love you. 393 00:18:36,014 --> 00:18:37,948 Looks like your dad came through one last time. 394 00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:49,218 "I love you." 395 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,428 My father's last words to me are "I love you." 396 00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:57,031 Ooh. And let me know if you find my foot cream. 397 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,263 That fungus thing is acting up again. 398 00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,201 "I love you." 399 00:19:06,778 --> 00:19:08,837 My father's last words to me are "I love you." 400 00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:10,938 - Yes, they were. - We heard it, yeah. 401 00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:12,778 Loud and clear. 402 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,620 Bye, Pop. 403 00:19:17,556 --> 00:19:18,818 [Sniffles] 404 00:19:18,924 --> 00:19:20,687 [Ted Narrating] So Marshall finally got up to speak. 405 00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:22,692 Funny thing though... 406 00:19:22,794 --> 00:19:25,627 And then my father said the last words that he'll ever say to me: 407 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,996 "Rent Crocodile Dundee 3. 408 00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:34,504 I caught it on the cable last night, and it totally holds up." 409 00:19:34,606 --> 00:19:35,937 [Laughing] 410 00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:38,976 He decided to keep Marvin's real last words just for himself. 411 00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:41,477 - [Marshall Continues, Indistinct] - Thanks. 412 00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:42,877 For what? 413 00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:45,882 I know what you've been doing today. 414 00:19:45,984 --> 00:19:48,680 And I really needed it. 415 00:19:48,787 --> 00:19:50,277 Anytime. 416 00:19:52,324 --> 00:19:55,384 That dress makes you look like a Kansas City whore. 417 00:19:56,728 --> 00:19:58,787 Sorry, dear. Last one. 418 00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:02,827 [No Audible Dialogue] 419 00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,962 Oh, man. 420 00:20:06,071 --> 00:20:08,505 I should have rented Crocodile Dundee 3. 421 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,935 Okay, seriously, how are you doing that? 422 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:16,915 Thanks. 423 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:20,009 I'll be right back. 424 00:20:24,122 --> 00:20:28,252 And if I don't come back, well, then these are my last words to you all. 425 00:20:30,829 --> 00:20:33,730 I really, really, really love you guys. 426 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,759 And I'm gonna go drop a deuce. 427 00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:40,337 - [All Groan] - Oh, you ruined it! 428 00:20:40,439 --> 00:20:42,930 [Ted Narrating] Last words. It's a lot of pressure, kids. 429 00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:44,736 ♪ And what do we know ♪ 430 00:20:44,843 --> 00:20:47,778 - It gets you thinking. - # About what we've learned? # 431 00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:50,575 - ##[Continues, Indistinct] - Hi, Dad. 432 00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:53,049 Hi, Dad. 433 00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:55,352 Hi, Dad. 434 00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,082 Hey, Mom. 435 00:20:58,190 --> 00:20:59,987 [Deep Breath] 436 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:02,390 I'm ready to meet my dad. 437 00:21:02,494 --> 00:21:04,758 ##[Fades] 438 00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:31,823 English - US - SDH