1 00:00:03,509 --> 00:00:09,166 Transcript by Addic7ed.com 2 00:00:09,167 --> 00:00:14,054 www.addic7ed.com 3 00:00:14,276 --> 00:00:17,011 Kids, when your best friend loses someone... 4 00:00:17,012 --> 00:00:18,562 My dad's dead? 5 00:00:18,563 --> 00:00:21,198 ...you drop everything and rush to his side. 6 00:00:21,199 --> 00:00:23,234 Only to find yourself standing there 7 00:00:23,235 --> 00:00:25,603 with no idea what to do or say. 8 00:00:25,604 --> 00:00:27,805 This is the toughest time in Marshall's life 9 00:00:27,806 --> 00:00:29,540 and I feel absolutely useless. 10 00:00:29,541 --> 00:00:31,509 What can we do to help? 11 00:00:31,510 --> 00:00:32,643 Don't look at me. 12 00:00:32,644 --> 00:00:34,478 This morning Marshall said, "I have to pee". 13 00:00:34,479 --> 00:00:36,864 And I, "Don't worry, baby, I'll do it for you". 14 00:00:36,865 --> 00:00:37,982 Halfway through the pee, 15 00:00:37,983 --> 00:00:39,683 I'm, like, "This doesn't even make sense!" 16 00:00:39,684 --> 00:00:41,652 Well, uh, I've been to a couple funerals, 17 00:00:41,653 --> 00:00:44,288 so I know my role: I'm Vice Girl. 18 00:00:44,289 --> 00:00:46,190 Whatever Marshall needs to get through this day, 19 00:00:46,191 --> 00:00:47,558 I got it right here. 20 00:00:47,559 --> 00:00:50,828 Whoa! 21 00:00:50,829 --> 00:00:52,663 Cigarettes, alcohol... 22 00:00:52,664 --> 00:00:53,964 are these firecrackers? 23 00:00:53,965 --> 00:00:56,333 My God, Robin, you somehow crammed 24 00:00:56,334 --> 00:00:59,437 Tijuana into a purse. 25 00:00:59,438 --> 00:01:02,356 Be cool, nerds! 26 00:01:03,375 --> 00:01:06,644 Marshall's mom hasn't eaten, slept or sat down 27 00:01:06,645 --> 00:01:08,028 since we got here. 28 00:01:08,029 --> 00:01:10,498 Wait! That can be my role! 29 00:01:10,499 --> 00:01:12,349 I'll take care of Judy! 30 00:01:12,350 --> 00:01:14,084 Yeah, but doesn't Marshall's mom hate you... 31 00:01:14,085 --> 00:01:15,870 the fact that you two aren't very close? 32 00:01:15,871 --> 00:01:17,288 Sweet save. 33 00:01:17,289 --> 00:01:20,124 Okay, yes, Judy and I aren't besties, 34 00:01:20,125 --> 00:01:22,326 but today, whatever she needs, I'm there. 35 00:01:22,327 --> 00:01:23,527 I'm on Judy duty. 36 00:01:23,528 --> 00:01:25,196 "Judy duty". 37 00:01:25,197 --> 00:01:26,380 She said "doody". 38 00:01:26,381 --> 00:01:28,466 Really, guys? At a funeral? 39 00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:31,569 Uh, okay, while not all of us possess 40 00:01:31,570 --> 00:01:33,504 your lofty sense of decorum, 41 00:01:33,505 --> 00:01:34,538 Drug-Dealer-From-An-'80s- After-School-Special, 44 00:01:37,776 --> 00:01:41,178 Today, we are gonna make Marshall laugh. 45 00:01:41,179 --> 00:01:42,079 How? 46 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:43,881 Ted, what's the one thing that 47 00:01:43,882 --> 00:01:45,049 always cracks him up? 48 00:01:45,050 --> 00:01:46,717 Internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts. 49 00:01:46,718 --> 00:01:47,785 Internet footage of a guy 50 00:01:47,786 --> 00:01:49,437 getting hit in the nuts, exactly! 51 00:01:49,738 --> 00:01:52,556 So we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad rattler. 52 00:01:52,557 --> 00:01:54,441 You search knees, feet, banisters, 53 00:01:54,442 --> 00:01:55,659 fire hydrants and diving boards, 54 00:01:55,660 --> 00:01:57,862 and I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, 55 00:01:57,863 --> 00:01:59,280 golf clubs and riding crops. 56 00:01:59,281 --> 00:02:00,230 What about animals? 57 00:02:00,231 --> 00:02:02,533 Uh... claws, paws, talons, 58 00:02:02,534 --> 00:02:04,535 hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists. 59 00:02:04,536 --> 00:02:06,036 We can do this! 60 00:02:06,037 --> 00:02:07,838 Hey, guys, sorry, uh... I left my charger back 61 00:02:07,839 --> 00:02:09,607 in New York, so my phone's out of juice. 62 00:02:09,608 --> 00:02:10,574 Does anyone have...? 63 00:02:10,575 --> 00:02:11,842 Outlet or USB? 64 00:02:11,843 --> 00:02:13,344 Uh, outlet. 65 00:02:13,345 --> 00:02:14,378 Thank you. 66 00:02:14,379 --> 00:02:16,547 Oh... 67 00:02:16,548 --> 00:02:19,683 Wow, you really do have everything in there, don't you? 68 00:02:19,684 --> 00:02:21,519 You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was 69 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:22,620 also filled with drugs. 70 00:02:22,621 --> 00:02:25,956 "If"? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped 71 00:02:25,957 --> 00:02:29,593 into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. 72 00:02:29,594 --> 00:02:31,762 "Spoonful of sugar..."? 73 00:02:31,763 --> 00:02:33,330 Grow up. 74 00:02:33,832 --> 00:02:36,400 I'm so sorry for your loss, Judy. 75 00:02:36,401 --> 00:02:37,739 Thank you, Reverend. 76 00:02:38,328 --> 00:02:41,828 We're so happy that you're going to lead the services today. 77 00:02:41,740 --> 00:02:43,674 Unfortunately, I can't. 78 00:02:43,675 --> 00:02:46,977 My daughter in Chicago just went into labor. 79 00:02:46,978 --> 00:02:50,281 But I'm leaving you in the capable hands 80 00:02:50,282 --> 00:02:52,249 of my second-in-command: my son. 81 00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:54,017 Your son? 82 00:02:54,452 --> 00:02:55,653 Oh, you remember Trey. 83 00:02:55,654 --> 00:02:57,287 I'll go grab him. 84 00:02:59,024 --> 00:03:00,925 Guys... 85 00:03:00,926 --> 00:03:03,661 Trey Platt terrorized me growing up. 86 00:03:03,662 --> 00:03:05,630 He was, he was the toughest bully in school. 87 00:03:06,031 --> 00:03:07,131 'Sup Marshall. 88 00:03:07,132 --> 00:03:10,434 Hello, Trey. 89 00:03:10,435 --> 00:03:12,369 - Long time. - Mm-hmm. 90 00:03:12,370 --> 00:03:13,971 I was not aware 91 00:03:13,972 --> 00:03:15,606 that you had become a reverend. 92 00:03:15,607 --> 00:03:18,509 Yeah, well, your lunch money finally ran out. 93 00:03:18,510 --> 00:03:20,210 Kidding! 94 00:03:20,946 --> 00:03:23,981 Marshall Eriksen, you could use a laugh. 95 00:03:23,982 --> 00:03:25,816 Yeah! 96 00:03:25,817 --> 00:03:28,485 This video is entitled, "Little League Coach Gets Hit in 97 00:03:28,486 --> 00:03:31,422 the Nuts by a Foul Ball and Then Vomits in a Garbage Can". 98 00:03:31,423 --> 00:03:34,191 I don't wanna give anything away. Let's just watch. 99 00:03:35,894 --> 00:03:37,928 Oh! 100 00:03:39,297 --> 00:03:41,131 See? 'Cause, 'cause he got hit... 101 00:03:41,132 --> 00:03:42,466 right in the nuts, 102 00:03:42,467 --> 00:03:45,502 The fat kid just runs away. 103 00:03:45,503 --> 00:03:47,037 Trey Platt. 104 00:03:48,173 --> 00:03:49,106 I can't believe 105 00:03:49,107 --> 00:03:51,108 my father's funeral service is being led 106 00:03:51,309 --> 00:03:53,644 by Trey "The Noogie Machine" Platt. 107 00:03:53,645 --> 00:03:55,012 That guy gave you noogies? 108 00:03:55,013 --> 00:03:56,880 What, did he carry a stepladder? 109 00:03:56,881 --> 00:03:59,650 He made me carry it. 110 00:04:00,452 --> 00:04:02,753 So, my dad has these questions he asks to help create 111 00:04:02,754 --> 00:04:05,823 a theme for the service, or whatever. 112 00:04:05,824 --> 00:04:07,558 Question one: 113 00:04:07,559 --> 00:04:10,694 "What were your last words with the deceased?" 114 00:04:10,695 --> 00:04:11,695 Lame. 115 00:04:11,696 --> 00:04:13,631 Question two: 116 00:04:13,632 --> 00:04:15,566 Wait... 117 00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,768 My last words with Marvin were lovely. 118 00:04:17,769 --> 00:04:20,170 I've been thinking about them a lot. 119 00:04:20,171 --> 00:04:21,138 Me, too. 120 00:04:21,139 --> 00:04:23,374 We went for a hike in the snow 121 00:04:23,375 --> 00:04:24,508 and had this amazing talk. 122 00:04:24,509 --> 00:04:25,809 My last day with Pop, 123 00:04:25,810 --> 00:04:28,345 he taught my son how to skate. 124 00:04:31,349 --> 00:04:33,450 Well, this is clearly yielding nothing. 125 00:04:33,451 --> 00:04:34,518 Thanks, Dad. 126 00:04:34,519 --> 00:04:36,386 Guess I'll have to fill the time 127 00:04:36,387 --> 00:04:38,855 with some jokes... again. 128 00:04:39,491 --> 00:04:42,826 "Last words" seems like a good theme. 129 00:04:42,827 --> 00:04:44,728 Marshall, do you remember the last thing 130 00:04:44,729 --> 00:04:46,463 your father said to you? 131 00:04:47,449 --> 00:04:50,534 - Bye, sweetie. - Bye, Mom. 132 00:04:50,535 --> 00:04:52,169 Son, 133 00:04:52,170 --> 00:04:55,839 there's something I want to say before I leave. 134 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:59,076 Yeah, Dad? 135 00:05:00,245 --> 00:05:03,747 Could I snag that extra pork chop for the flight? 136 00:05:04,516 --> 00:05:06,417 I was gonna make a sandwich with that, Dad. 137 00:05:06,418 --> 00:05:07,518 - Ah... - Dad, don't they have 138 00:05:07,519 --> 00:05:08,519 food on the plane? 139 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,989 Yeah, but plane food is ass. 140 00:05:13,158 --> 00:05:15,859 "Plane food is ass". 141 00:05:16,227 --> 00:05:17,728 Those are the last words 142 00:05:17,729 --> 00:05:20,064 my father will ever say to me. 143 00:05:20,065 --> 00:05:22,616 Right after I denied the man a pork chop. 144 00:05:22,617 --> 00:05:24,234 Oh, God. 145 00:05:28,873 --> 00:05:29,907 Wait! 146 00:05:29,908 --> 00:05:30,941 I'm wrong! 147 00:05:30,942 --> 00:05:32,876 I'm wrong! That wasn't it! 148 00:05:32,877 --> 00:05:34,611 They couldn't find a cab... 149 00:05:34,612 --> 00:05:35,946 Hey, Marshall! 150 00:05:35,947 --> 00:05:38,581 - so my dad called up from the street. - Marshall! 151 00:05:39,551 --> 00:05:40,951 Looks like rain out here! 152 00:05:40,952 --> 00:05:45,023 I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet! 153 00:05:45,724 --> 00:05:47,491 You know who probably has an umbrella? 154 00:05:47,492 --> 00:05:48,859 And then, well, see, 155 00:05:48,860 --> 00:05:51,762 my dad grew up in a small town, in another generation, 156 00:05:51,763 --> 00:05:54,431 so sometimes... totally well-meaningly... 157 00:05:54,432 --> 00:05:57,234 he'd say stuff like... 158 00:05:57,235 --> 00:06:00,037 The Koreans across the hall! 159 00:06:00,038 --> 00:06:03,407 Hey, the Koreans are a trustworthy and generous people! 160 00:06:03,408 --> 00:06:04,708 Dad... 161 00:06:04,709 --> 00:06:07,444 I betcha one of the Koreans has an umbrella! 162 00:06:07,445 --> 00:06:09,880 Heck, they're Koreans! 163 00:06:11,116 --> 00:06:14,651 My dad's last words to me were a string 164 00:06:14,652 --> 00:06:17,421 of odd racial stereotypes. 165 00:06:17,422 --> 00:06:19,423 All that stuff was really nice! 166 00:06:19,424 --> 00:06:21,592 Yeah! It's positive racism! 167 00:06:21,593 --> 00:06:25,062 This is worse than the pork chop. 168 00:06:26,097 --> 00:06:28,799 This next clip is entitled, "Guy Playing Bagpipes 169 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,136 Gets Hit in the Nuts by Low-Flying Seagull". 170 00:06:32,137 --> 00:06:33,237 Let's see what happens. 171 00:06:34,572 --> 00:06:37,241 Here he comes... 172 00:06:37,242 --> 00:06:40,144 Oh! Oh! 173 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:44,281 'Cause he gets hit right in the nuts. 174 00:06:44,282 --> 00:06:48,552 And then the fat kid loses his swim trunks. 175 00:06:48,553 --> 00:06:50,204 Fall off. Shorts just fall right off. 176 00:06:50,205 --> 00:06:51,238 No, wait... I'm wrong. 177 00:06:51,239 --> 00:06:52,122 That wasn't it. 178 00:06:52,123 --> 00:06:54,091 They couldn't find a cab, so I went down there. 179 00:06:54,492 --> 00:06:57,711 Hey, you were right. 180 00:06:57,712 --> 00:06:59,696 The Kangs did, in fact, have an umbrella. 181 00:06:59,697 --> 00:07:01,582 Of course they did. 182 00:07:01,583 --> 00:07:02,499 Bye, sweetie. 183 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,251 Bye, Mom. 184 00:07:04,252 --> 00:07:10,440 Hey, son, I just want to leave you with a little advice. 185 00:07:13,244 --> 00:07:16,113 Rent Crocodile Dundee III. 186 00:07:16,114 --> 00:07:18,515 I caught it on the cable last night. 187 00:07:18,516 --> 00:07:20,283 It totally holds up! 188 00:07:21,786 --> 00:07:25,355 Crocodile Dundee III is the second-best of the Croc trilogy, 189 00:07:25,356 --> 00:07:28,058 so maybe I can live with that. 190 00:07:29,127 --> 00:07:31,795 Oh, sorry, my phone's charged. 191 00:07:32,597 --> 00:07:35,799 I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things. 192 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,801 I've been known to locate certain objects 193 00:07:37,802 --> 00:07:38,836 from time to time. 194 00:07:38,837 --> 00:07:42,339 I need vodka and dirty playing cards. 195 00:07:43,107 --> 00:07:44,741 I got ya. 196 00:07:47,378 --> 00:07:48,912 Oh, my God. 197 00:07:48,913 --> 00:07:50,714 What is it? 198 00:07:50,715 --> 00:07:55,485 I have a voice mail from my dad. 199 00:08:00,988 --> 00:08:02,889 You have a voice mail from your dad? 200 00:08:02,890 --> 00:08:03,856 How? 201 00:08:03,857 --> 00:08:05,858 My phone's been out of juice, 202 00:08:05,859 --> 00:08:10,880 so he must've called me the day the he, uh... 203 00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:13,132 Baby, are you okay? 204 00:08:13,133 --> 00:08:19,338 I hold in my hand the last words my father will ever say to me. 205 00:08:21,241 --> 00:08:23,275 I'm gonna hit play. 206 00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:26,746 What's wrong? 207 00:08:26,747 --> 00:08:30,349 What if it's worse than Crocodile Dundee III? 208 00:08:31,118 --> 00:08:34,553 I can't do this. I can't... 209 00:08:34,554 --> 00:08:36,689 My mom is about to collapse. I'm gonna... 210 00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:39,542 Wait... no, no, baby... Baby, I got it. Let me. 211 00:08:42,079 --> 00:08:43,162 You should listen to it. 212 00:08:43,163 --> 00:08:45,031 Just don't put too much pressure on it. 213 00:08:45,032 --> 00:08:46,249 She's right. 214 00:08:46,250 --> 00:08:48,251 I mean, this idea that someone's last words have 215 00:08:48,252 --> 00:08:49,602 to be profound and meaningful? 216 00:08:49,603 --> 00:08:51,204 I mean, who can live up to that? 217 00:08:51,205 --> 00:08:52,438 Exactly. 218 00:08:52,439 --> 00:08:53,873 All those "famous last word" 219 00:08:53,874 --> 00:08:55,908 people supposedly said? They're all made up. 220 00:08:55,909 --> 00:08:58,811 Like that patriotic dude, Nathan Hale, 221 00:08:58,812 --> 00:09:00,546 from third-grade history? 222 00:09:00,547 --> 00:09:03,950 My I only regret is I have 223 00:09:03,951 --> 00:09:06,419 but one life to lose for my country. 224 00:09:07,488 --> 00:09:09,455 You know what his real last words were? 225 00:09:09,456 --> 00:09:12,525 I'm peeing my pants! 226 00:09:12,893 --> 00:09:14,593 True story. 227 00:09:15,796 --> 00:09:18,131 The point is, last words are overrated. 228 00:09:18,132 --> 00:09:19,966 Look, think of it this way: 229 00:09:19,967 --> 00:09:23,202 you get to hear your dad's voice one last time. 230 00:09:23,203 --> 00:09:25,738 I should go listen to this... 231 00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:27,673 alone, okay? I'll be right back. 232 00:09:27,674 --> 00:09:29,709 Okay. 233 00:09:32,045 --> 00:09:34,714 Hey, so, um, I heard you might have... 234 00:09:34,715 --> 00:09:36,582 You heard right. 235 00:09:36,583 --> 00:09:39,719 I'm getting a reputation. 236 00:09:40,554 --> 00:09:42,921 So, what you need, mama? Come here. 237 00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:47,560 Guys, listen to what just happened. 238 00:09:47,561 --> 00:09:51,063 Judy, do you need a break? I'm happy to cook for a while. 239 00:09:51,064 --> 00:09:54,567 You think your snobby New York cooking is 240 00:09:54,568 --> 00:09:56,803 better than mine... admit it! 241 00:09:56,804 --> 00:10:00,072 Well, go ahead, Lily, why don't you just whip up a batch 242 00:10:00,073 --> 00:10:03,609 of your fancy tofu sushi bagels! 243 00:10:03,610 --> 00:10:05,912 And choke on them! 244 00:10:05,913 --> 00:10:07,813 - Whoa. - Are you okay? 245 00:10:07,814 --> 00:10:08,815 Listen! 246 00:10:11,118 --> 00:10:14,120 I'm gonna go take a nap. 247 00:10:14,121 --> 00:10:17,823 Judy's finally sleeping and it's all because of me! 248 00:10:17,824 --> 00:10:21,260 Guys, I have a role: I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah! 249 00:10:21,261 --> 00:10:22,728 Well, but this day is 250 00:10:22,729 --> 00:10:23,830 tough on you, too. 251 00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,465 You sure you can absorb all that? 252 00:10:25,466 --> 00:10:28,401 Yeah! Robin gave me a little orange pill from her purse. 253 00:10:28,402 --> 00:10:29,835 I don't know what's in it, 254 00:10:29,836 --> 00:10:31,804 but things are flowin' pretty smooth right now. 255 00:10:31,805 --> 00:10:33,739 Hey, stay hydrated. 256 00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,242 Hey. 257 00:10:36,443 --> 00:10:37,727 So? 258 00:10:37,728 --> 00:10:40,713 I couldn't listen to it. 259 00:10:40,714 --> 00:10:42,014 Guys, this is hard. 260 00:10:42,015 --> 00:10:43,232 We know, baby. 261 00:10:43,233 --> 00:10:45,151 But you'll always wonder, if you don't. 262 00:10:45,152 --> 00:10:46,486 Your dad loved you. 263 00:10:46,487 --> 00:10:48,754 It almost doesn't matter what he said. 264 00:10:48,755 --> 00:10:49,722 - It doesn't. - That's true. 265 00:10:49,723 --> 00:10:50,790 Guys, guys, what if... 266 00:10:50,791 --> 00:10:51,958 God forbid... 267 00:10:51,959 --> 00:10:54,927 all of your dads died right now? 268 00:10:55,963 --> 00:10:58,898 What would their last words to you have been? Seriously. 269 00:10:58,899 --> 00:11:01,234 I know mine. 270 00:11:01,235 --> 00:11:03,536 When I was in Cleveland last month, 271 00:11:03,537 --> 00:11:06,138 I went to visit my dad at his... 272 00:11:06,139 --> 00:11:08,641 post-divorce bachelor pad. 273 00:11:08,642 --> 00:11:12,395 Been fun bro-ing out with you tonight, T-Dawg. 274 00:11:12,396 --> 00:11:16,816 Yeah... so glad we can we can talk about our sex lives now. 275 00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:18,851 That's totally an improvement. 276 00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:20,453 I hooked up 277 00:11:20,454 --> 00:11:22,355 with a younger woman the other week... 278 00:11:22,356 --> 00:11:24,924 Donna Bromstead. 279 00:11:24,925 --> 00:11:26,492 My prom date?! 280 00:11:26,493 --> 00:11:29,161 How far did you get, T-Dawg? 281 00:11:30,597 --> 00:11:33,399 I have to go. 282 00:11:34,201 --> 00:11:35,835 Ugh... 283 00:11:35,836 --> 00:11:39,005 How would you like those to be your father's last words? 284 00:11:39,006 --> 00:11:40,373 Well, they might be. 285 00:11:40,374 --> 00:11:43,409 Donna Bromstead's husband is a cop. 286 00:11:47,347 --> 00:11:49,014 Lawyered. 287 00:11:50,450 --> 00:11:52,118 Lily? 288 00:11:53,687 --> 00:11:54,971 Hello. 289 00:11:54,972 --> 00:11:57,056 Lily, it's Dad. 290 00:11:57,057 --> 00:11:59,759 Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes 291 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,260 for the last 25 years. 292 00:12:01,261 --> 00:12:03,663 But bright side... I thought of a great new board game. 293 00:12:03,664 --> 00:12:06,198 "Tax Evasion"... ages six to ten. 294 00:12:06,199 --> 00:12:09,135 Which is, ironically, what I might be looking at. 295 00:12:09,136 --> 00:12:12,371 Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000. 296 00:12:12,372 --> 00:12:13,940 Fooled ya. 297 00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:15,575 Leave a message after the beep. 298 00:12:15,576 --> 00:12:17,109 We'll get back to ya. 299 00:12:17,110 --> 00:12:19,645 Beep. 300 00:12:22,816 --> 00:12:24,583 Lawyered. 301 00:12:25,719 --> 00:12:27,954 Robin? 302 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:31,557 And so, despite the endless disappointment you've caused me, 303 00:12:31,558 --> 00:12:33,326 I pray that this will finally 304 00:12:33,327 --> 00:12:36,178 be the year you achieve something 305 00:12:36,179 --> 00:12:37,530 of actual significance. 306 00:12:37,531 --> 00:12:38,898 I'd love to stop 307 00:12:38,899 --> 00:12:41,567 lying to my friends about you being in a coma. 308 00:12:42,669 --> 00:12:47,573 Anyway, the point is, happy birthday, RJ. 309 00:12:47,574 --> 00:12:48,641 - Whoa-ho! - Wow. 310 00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:49,842 That's awful. 311 00:12:49,843 --> 00:12:51,777 No, here's the awful part. 312 00:12:51,778 --> 00:12:55,514 You remembered my birthday! 313 00:12:58,018 --> 00:12:59,752 Lawyered. 314 00:12:59,753 --> 00:13:02,221 Now can we all just admit 315 00:13:02,222 --> 00:13:04,790 that last words are, in fact, a big deal? 316 00:13:04,791 --> 00:13:06,592 - Yes. - Yes. 317 00:13:06,593 --> 00:13:09,161 Man, I always thought I had it rough 318 00:13:09,162 --> 00:13:11,964 not really knowing my dad, but... 319 00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:13,265 now I realize at least 320 00:13:13,266 --> 00:13:16,502 I'll never have to suffer like this. 321 00:13:16,503 --> 00:13:18,070 Our next video is called 322 00:13:18,071 --> 00:13:20,139 "German Shepherd Activates Tennis Ball Cannon 323 00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:21,707 While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink". 324 00:13:21,708 --> 00:13:23,042 - It's... - Barney, please, Barney! 325 00:13:23,143 --> 00:13:24,844 No more videos, okay? 326 00:13:25,445 --> 00:13:27,413 I just need a minute. 327 00:13:28,782 --> 00:13:30,149 Okay... 328 00:13:30,150 --> 00:13:32,652 okay, who is responsible for this? 329 00:13:32,653 --> 00:13:33,886 Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? 330 00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:37,490 She is 15 years old. 331 00:13:37,491 --> 00:13:39,558 Whoa, they grow big out here. 332 00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:43,329 And here's your phone number back. 333 00:13:45,132 --> 00:13:47,299 - Judy, I... - I did it. 334 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:51,237 What possible excuse could you have for this? 335 00:13:51,238 --> 00:13:52,705 I'm from New York. 336 00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:54,807 We think getting minors drunk is funny. 337 00:13:54,808 --> 00:13:58,577 There's nothing funny about getting minors drunk! 338 00:13:58,578 --> 00:14:00,613 You should be ashamed, Lily! 339 00:14:00,614 --> 00:14:02,481 Ashamed! 340 00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,052 Mmm! 341 00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:08,220 Oh, cripes, that's tasty. 342 00:14:08,221 --> 00:14:09,722 Mmm! Mmm! 343 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:13,859 That salad's the first food she's eaten in two days. 344 00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:15,778 Sure, it's mostly cheese, mayonnaise and jelly beans, 345 00:14:15,779 --> 00:14:16,996 but it counts. 346 00:14:16,997 --> 00:14:18,614 Well, at least someone's helping. 347 00:14:18,615 --> 00:14:20,833 We haven't made Marshall laugh once. 348 00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:22,501 Yeah. 349 00:14:22,502 --> 00:14:24,470 Showing videos of guys getting hit in the nuts 350 00:14:24,471 --> 00:14:25,905 wasn't going to do anything. 351 00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:27,573 - I'm just stupid. - Stupid. 352 00:14:27,774 --> 00:14:30,843 What we need to do is hit each other in the nuts. 353 00:14:30,844 --> 00:14:32,778 Yes. 354 00:14:32,779 --> 00:14:35,347 Nothing beats the immediacy of live theater. 355 00:14:35,348 --> 00:14:38,317 But which one of us is going to take the hit? 356 00:14:38,318 --> 00:14:40,052 Hey, Marshall. 357 00:14:41,254 --> 00:14:42,772 So that's it? 358 00:14:42,773 --> 00:14:45,458 No discussion? 359 00:14:45,459 --> 00:14:47,593 I'm not going to listen. 360 00:14:47,594 --> 00:14:49,628 "Rent Crocodile Dundee III" 361 00:14:49,629 --> 00:14:52,998 are the last words that my father will ever say to me, 362 00:14:52,999 --> 00:14:57,002 and I think I can live with that. 363 00:14:57,487 --> 00:15:00,706 Is he laughing? 364 00:15:00,707 --> 00:15:03,843 Marshall really did think he could live with that. 365 00:15:03,844 --> 00:15:06,846 That is, until later, at the memorial service. 366 00:15:06,847 --> 00:15:11,684 My last talk with Marvin was so lovely. 367 00:15:11,685 --> 00:15:15,755 The stories his mother and brothers told were so perfect. 368 00:15:15,756 --> 00:15:18,891 Then he picked my crying son up off the ice. 369 00:15:18,892 --> 00:15:20,392 He gave him a hug and said, 370 00:15:20,393 --> 00:15:23,796 "Champ, it doesn't matter if you fall down once in a while". 371 00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:27,199 And as we hiked, a little deer appeared on the path. 372 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,302 She hopped over to Dad and started eating... 373 00:15:30,303 --> 00:15:32,371 right out of his hand. 374 00:15:32,372 --> 00:15:36,242 And then he kissed me and he said... 375 00:15:36,243 --> 00:15:38,677 "I will always be proud of you". 376 00:15:38,678 --> 00:15:41,080 "Life is such a gift". 377 00:15:41,081 --> 00:15:44,116 "You know something, gorgeous? 378 00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:47,019 I'm the luckiest man alive". 379 00:15:49,089 --> 00:15:50,456 Lame. 380 00:15:50,457 --> 00:15:52,625 These stories suck. 381 00:15:52,626 --> 00:15:56,295 Doesn't hold a candle to your Crocodile Dundee thing. 382 00:15:58,465 --> 00:16:01,400 You're up next, baby. 383 00:16:03,804 --> 00:16:06,672 I just need some air. 384 00:16:11,695 --> 00:16:15,114 Baby, are you okay? 385 00:16:15,115 --> 00:16:17,199 I have to listen to it. 386 00:16:31,298 --> 00:16:33,265 It's a pocket dial. 387 00:16:34,601 --> 00:16:37,636 It's nothing. 388 00:16:45,783 --> 00:16:49,253 Hey, so it's a pocket dial. 389 00:16:49,254 --> 00:16:52,656 You have so many great memories with your dad. 390 00:16:52,657 --> 00:16:54,758 Who cares about the last one? 391 00:16:54,759 --> 00:16:56,226 - She's right. - Your dad was hilarious. 392 00:16:56,227 --> 00:16:58,061 You guys don't get it, okay? 393 00:16:58,062 --> 00:16:59,764 None of you do. 394 00:17:01,099 --> 00:17:03,400 My dad was my hero. 395 00:17:04,502 --> 00:17:06,103 And he was my teacher. 396 00:17:06,504 --> 00:17:08,772 And he was my best friend. 397 00:17:10,341 --> 00:17:14,144 He always came through for me. 398 00:17:14,145 --> 00:17:16,613 And now he's just gone. 399 00:17:17,815 --> 00:17:19,750 And what am I left with? 400 00:17:23,121 --> 00:17:26,089 Thanks a lot, God! 401 00:17:26,090 --> 00:17:27,090 Thank you! 402 00:17:27,091 --> 00:17:29,192 You took my father... 403 00:17:29,193 --> 00:17:32,996 the greatest man that I have ever known... 404 00:17:32,997 --> 00:17:36,399 and you ripped him off this Earth, way too young! 405 00:17:37,335 --> 00:17:40,103 And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. 406 00:17:41,773 --> 00:17:45,141 But we got this voice mail. 407 00:17:46,544 --> 00:17:48,478 Thank you so much for the voice mail! 408 00:17:48,479 --> 00:17:49,680 It's a great comfort! 409 00:17:49,681 --> 00:17:50,881 'Cause whenever I'm starting 410 00:17:50,882 --> 00:17:54,368 to feel lonely or sad, or... or you know what, 411 00:17:54,369 --> 00:17:55,786 or maybe a little bit cheated, 412 00:17:55,787 --> 00:17:57,120 at least I got 413 00:17:57,121 --> 00:17:59,122 the sound of his pocket to console me. 414 00:17:59,123 --> 00:18:00,374 Marshall... 415 00:18:00,375 --> 00:18:01,692 How is this fair? 416 00:18:01,693 --> 00:18:05,746 You know, like, an entire human life 417 00:18:05,747 --> 00:18:08,365 and it just ends for no reason, and... 418 00:18:08,366 --> 00:18:11,969 and what are we left with? 419 00:18:13,504 --> 00:18:15,439 Marshall? 420 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:19,810 Oh, looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. 421 00:18:19,811 --> 00:18:21,478 How's my pocket sound? 422 00:18:23,648 --> 00:18:25,082 Oh, sorry about that, buddy. 423 00:18:25,083 --> 00:18:29,619 Um, anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. 424 00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:31,821 I love you. 425 00:18:34,242 --> 00:18:37,661 Looks like your dad came through one last time. 426 00:18:46,254 --> 00:18:48,872 "I love you". 427 00:18:48,873 --> 00:18:52,676 My father's last words to me are "I love you". 428 00:18:52,677 --> 00:18:56,213 Ooh, and let me know if you find my foot cream. 429 00:18:56,214 --> 00:18:58,982 That fungus thing is acting up again. 430 00:19:01,786 --> 00:19:05,088 "I love you". 431 00:19:05,089 --> 00:19:07,724 My father's last words to me are "I love you". 432 00:19:07,725 --> 00:19:09,092 - Yes. - Yes, they were. 433 00:19:09,093 --> 00:19:12,495 - We heard it. - Loud and clear. 434 00:19:14,298 --> 00:19:16,333 Bye, Pop. 435 00:19:17,935 --> 00:19:19,936 So Marshall finally got up to speak. 436 00:19:19,937 --> 00:19:22,072 Funny thing, though... 437 00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:26,143 Then my father said the last words that he'll ever say to me: 438 00:19:26,144 --> 00:19:30,280 "Rent Crocodile Dundee III. 439 00:19:30,281 --> 00:19:32,182 I caught it on the cable last night 440 00:19:32,183 --> 00:19:33,650 and it totally holds up". 441 00:19:33,651 --> 00:19:35,752 He decided to keep Marvin's real last words 442 00:19:35,753 --> 00:19:38,221 just for himself. 443 00:19:38,222 --> 00:19:40,140 Thanks. 444 00:19:40,141 --> 00:19:41,892 For what? 445 00:19:41,893 --> 00:19:45,011 I know what you've been doing today. 446 00:19:45,012 --> 00:19:47,664 And I really needed it. 447 00:19:47,665 --> 00:19:49,632 Any time. 448 00:19:51,402 --> 00:19:55,638 That dress makes you look like a Kansas City whore. 449 00:19:55,639 --> 00:19:59,776 Sorry, dear. Last one. 450 00:20:02,413 --> 00:20:04,247 Oh, man. 451 00:20:04,248 --> 00:20:08,218 I should have rented Crocodile Dundee III. 452 00:20:09,921 --> 00:20:12,655 Okay, seriously, how are you doing that? 453 00:20:14,759 --> 00:20:16,626 Thanks. 454 00:20:17,095 --> 00:20:19,729 I'll be right back. 455 00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,468 And if I don't come back, 456 00:20:24,469 --> 00:20:27,971 well, then these are my last words to you all. 457 00:20:29,941 --> 00:20:33,443 I really, really, really love you guys. 458 00:20:35,313 --> 00:20:37,013 Now I'm going to go drop a deuce. 459 00:20:39,484 --> 00:20:42,752 Last words... it's a lot of pressure, kids. 460 00:20:42,753 --> 00:20:45,589 It gets you thinking. 461 00:20:47,241 --> 00:20:49,159 Hi, Dad. 462 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,462 Hi, Dad. 463 00:20:52,463 --> 00:20:54,598 Hi, Dad. 464 00:20:54,599 --> 00:20:58,502 Hey, Mom. 465 00:20:58,503 --> 00:21:02,872 I'm ready to meet my dad. 466 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,432 www.addic7ed.com