>>> next on c-span, yesterday at
A special ceremony, rahm emanuel
Officially stepped down as white
House chief of staff.
[ applause ]
>> thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Good morning.
Today my administration says
Good-bye ta friend, a fighter,
A warrior, a man you want in
Your corner when the going gets
Rough.
A man who won't take "no" for an
Answer.
A man who has twisted a few arms
And poked a few chests.
A man who knows no fear, but
Knows how to make others afraid.
You know him as rahm emanuel,
But to me, he will always be
Rahmbo.
[ laughter ]
Rahm will be replaced as white
House chief of staff by
Peter rouse.
[ laughter ]
Pete hails from connecticut and
Is a lover of cats.
[ laughter ]
Come on back, pete.
Give a wave, buddy.
Nothing to be afraid of.
But enough about pete.
Today belongs to rahm.
Rahm.
>> thank you, mr. President.
As the president reminded us
Just now, I do have a certain
Reputation amongst my colleagues
And the administration and
Congress.
Now, has my manner sometimes
Been a bit aggressive?
Probably.
Could my personality be fairly
Described as abrasive?
Yes, it could.
Do I lack even basic social
Skills?
Absolutely.
[ laughter ]
Does a little bit of me go a
Long way?
Indeed, it does.
In my job, have I at times used
Ugly, strong-arm methods to get
Support for this president's
Agenda?
Guilty as charged.
But remember, there's a big
Difference between arguing a
Point passionately and
Committing actual physical
Violence.
And that's a difference I
Completely lost sight of.
Not in every case, but almost.
And for that, I am truly very
Sorry.
Now, pete, come here.
Come here buddy.
If there's one piece of advice
That I can give to you, it's
This.
Everyone in washington is trying
To kill you.
All the time!
And it's kill or be killed.
Are you ready to kill a man,
Pete?
Are you ready to choke a man
Over a vote?
>> I don't think so.
>> 'cause, yeah?
'cause this is prison rules now,
Baby.
Okay?
On the first day, you've got to
Walk up to the biggest
Congressman you can find and
Say, "nice to meet you."
And when he goes to shake your
Hand, you stab him in the neck
With a pencil.
And then you scream for everyone
To hear, "I am pete rouse!
But you can call me king f'ing
Kong!
If any of you ladies got a
Problem with that, I will fight
You in the men's room."
Are you ready to be king kong,
Pete?
>> no.
[ laughter ]
>> are you ready to let the part
Of you that's human die?
>> no, I don't think I want this
Job anymore.
>> you can't cry, buddy.
Okay?
If you cry, it's over.
If you cry, it's shawshank.
Here.
I want you to have this.
It's a razor blade.
Keep it in your mouth.
Hopefully you'll never have to
Use it, but it's still nice to
Feel the metal against your
Gums.
>> I want to go home!
>> shh.
You have no home now.
Home is for people.
But you?
You're a monster.
Today I am leaving the hardest
And the best job I've ever had.
Now, did I make a difference?
I hope so.
I do know one thing for certain.
I made a lot of friends.
What's that?
I didn't?
Really?
[ laughter ]
No friends at all?
Right.
Because of my personality.
Well, there's not much more else
To say.
I want once again to thank the
President for this opportunity
And to wish him good luck
Dealing with the new angry
Republican majorities in
Congress.
On that score, I'm sure pete
Will do just fine.
[ laughter ]
And one last thing --
Live from new york, it's
Saturday night!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> announcer: It's "Saturday
Night live"!
With fred armisen,
Abby elliott,
Bill hader,
Seth meyers,
Bobby moynihan,
Andy samberg,
Jason sudeikis,
Kenan thompson,
Kristin wiig,
Featuring --
Vanessa bayer,
Paul brittain,
Taran killam,
Nasim pedrad,
Jay pharaoh,
Musical guest, kanye west,
And your host, bryan cranston.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Bryan cranston!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>>> thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It's great to be here hosting
"Saturday night live."
Whoo!
I have to admit that I'm a
Little nervous to be on this
Stage.
I've never done a show like this
Before.
But I have done almost every
Other type of show.
I've been a working actor in
Television and film for almost
30 years now, and I've played
Lots of different types of
Roles.
Well here's a photo of me from
My series "breaking bad."
[ cheers and applause ]
And before that, I was on
"malcolm in the middle."
[ cheers and applause ]
And here I am in the classic
Film "the joy luck club."
[ laughter ]
As I mentioned, I'm on the amc
Series "breaking bad."
[ cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
I play a chemistry teacher who
Makes crystal methamphetamine.
The whole show is about meth so
It's nice to get away from all
That and come to new york city
Where you can still find good
Old-fashioned crack.
Even though I've been very lucky
Enough to have won some awards
For "breaking bad," I'm still
Not a household name.
Not a household name, but I
Think -- I think that feeling is
Going to -- it's about to change
Right now.
Music!
♪
♪ there is a man ♪
♪ a certain man ♪
♪ whose very name means
Entertain and he'll do all he
Can ♪
♪ what is that name ♪
♪ it's byron cramdon ♪
>> no, no.
Wait.
No, no.
It's bryan cranston.
Cranston.
>> cramson.
>> no, no, no.
Cran --
>> cran --
>> -- ston.
>> great.
♪ you may not know him yet but
Soon you'll be his biggest fan ♪
He played a dentist ♪
♪ he played a dentist ♪
♪ he played a dad ♪
♪ but he is best when making
Meth over on "breaking bad ♪
♪ and if you're not convinced oh
Boy, just listen to this! ♪
♪ he'll make you laugh ♪
♪ ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ he'll make you cry ♪
♪ wah wah wah wah♪
♪ he's got a style that's
Versatile that you cannot deny ♪
♪ so what's his name ♪
♪ it's bryan cranston ♪
♪ it's the name you cannot
Forget even if you tried ♪
♪ it's b-r-I ♪
♪ that's b-r-y ♪
♪ he's bryan cranston ♪
♪ bryan cranston ♪
♪ b-r-y-a-n c-r-a-n-s-t-o-n ♪
♪ bryan cranston ♪
♪ he's dancing ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> we're gonna have a great show
For you tonight!
Kanye west is here!
So stick around.
We'll be right back with more
Stuff!
>>> I was at the club with some
Friends.
That's when it happened.
This burning sensation.
>> indigestion.
>> I was ready to go home.
But then I heard about
Pepto-bismol ice.
The only antacid that's also a
Malt liquor.
>> pepto-bismol ice.
>> just one sip and you'll taste
The relief.
Pepto-bismol ice gives you
Relief from your stomach pain
And fills your brain with a
Low-grade alcohol.
Pepto-bismol ice got me off the
Toilet and onto the dance floor.
Plus it's got that signature
Pink color that guys love.
>> pepto-bismol ice.
>> it kills the bacteria that
Causes diarrhea.
>> nice.
>> pepto-bismol ice.
Keep the party out of your
Pants.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> hey, y'all.
It's "the miley cyrus show" with
Me, miley cyrus.
♪ I got guests and a show ♪
♪ and I'm ready to go ♪
♪ so I guess that's pretty
Cool ♪
♪ it's pretty cool ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> shello.
It's miley y'all.
So this is like my show where I,
Like, talk to people who are
Pretty cool.
And well I talk about things I
Think are pretty cool.
And yeah, it's pretty cool.
Heading up the miley cyrus band
Over here, we've got my dad,
Billy ray cyrus.
>> miley, you are an absolute
Sunshine.
It's just nuts how special you
Are.
You are like god's gift.
>> okay, dad.
Thank you.
Okay.
So now I'm going to do, like, my
Comedy monologue.
So I don't know if y'all saw,
But, like, there's a study that,
Like, only 5% of french people
Go to the gym.
So I thought that was pretty
Funny because, like, 5% --
That's a pretty small number of
People going to the gym.
[ laughter ]
So that's my monologue.
I thought it was pretty funny.
>> oh, baby, you are hilarious.
You're like a pretty little
George lopez.
>> okay.
So my guest tonight is a really
Serious actor and stuff like
That --
And now I'm a serious actress
And all that.
So this will be pretty cool.
Please give a big shell-o to
Johnny depp!
Okay.
So johnny depp, you play a
Creepy guy a lot which I think
Is pretty cool.
>> yes, I enjoy exploring some
Darker characters.
>> yeah, me, too.
[ laughter ]
So I've been a fan of yours
Going like, all the way back --
Like all the way back to
Willy wonka.
[ laughter ]
And there's something that I've
Always wanted to ask you.
Like how do you pick out which
Movies you're going to do, and
Like what's your favorite movie
You ever did?
And, like, what's your favorite
Role you ever did?
And like, what's your favorite
Role you ever did?
And like, who's your best
Friend?
And like, how tall are you?
Like what eyeliner you wear?
And like are you american?
>> wow, that's kind of a lot to
Process.
>> look out, depp.
My baby girl wants some answers.
She's coming to get them!
>> dad.
>> you make me smile.
>> so johnny depp, like what is
Your next movie that's coming
Out?
>> actually, tim burton and I
Are working on a haunting
Adaptation of "goodnight moon."
>> yeah, that's pretty cool.
So, like, let's roll the clip.
>> oh, I didn't bring a clip.
>> no, it's a clip from my
Movie.
I think you're going to like it
'cause it's like, really
Dramatic.
Let's roll that clip!
>>> when you miss me, just think
Of that old oak tree out in the
Yard.
And remember my promise.
>> this is so sad because, like,
You're my boyfriend.
And like, we just fell in love
And stuff like that.
And it's, like, so dramatic
Because you're going off to war
And stuff like that.
And this is, like, so not cool.
So that was like pretty cool,
Right?
Okay.
Well, that's our show.
I thought it was pretty cool.
>> is that it?
I flew here from the south of
France.
>> oh, my god.
I love France.
Did you know that only like 5%
Of french people go to the gym?
Remember that?
It was from my monologue.
It was pretty funny.
Well, thanks for watching,
Y'all.
Come on back.
Let's hit it.
♪ I got guests and a show ♪
♪ and we're ready to go ♪
♪ so I guess that's pretty
Cool ♪
♪ it's pretty cool ♪
♪ cool ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>> it's "what up with that",
Back-to-school edition taking on
The issues of the day with soul.
Tonight, academy award winner
Morgan freeman!
Academy award winner,
Ernest borgnine!
And from fleetwood mac,
Lindsey buckingham!
And here's your host,
D'andre cole!
♪ hey I woke up this morning and
I got out of bed had to head on
Down to school 'cause the
Teacher said ♪
♪ everybody put on your thinking
Caps 'cause we goin' back to
School with "what's up with
That?"♪
♪ ooh-e-e what's up with that
What's up with that ♪
♪ ooh-e-e what's up with that
What's up with that ♪
♪ readin' writin' so excitin'
What's up with that ♪
♪ homework, shop class you
Failed ♪
♪ I passed ♪
What's up with that ♪
♪ yeah ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> well, now.
Thank you for joining us on this
Special edition of "what's up
With that?"
For all the kids going back to
School.
We're gonna talk about students.
We gonna talk about teachers.
We gonna talk about --
♪ secrets under the bleachers we
Gonna get some learnin' ♪
♪ earnin' yearnin turning ♪
♪ concernin' ♪
Turnin', adjournin',
Afterburnin' ♪
♪ everybody sing ooh-ee what's
Up with this ♪
♪ what's up with that ooh-ee
What's up with that ♪
♪ what's up with that what's
Up ♪
♪ I said what's up ♪ what is up
With that ♪
♪ now if you're eating school
Lunch ♪
♪ better stay away from that
Rectangular pizza ♪
♪ you know why because it is
Nasty yeah ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> okay.
We have some wonderful guests
Joining us to talk about
Education.
From the movie "red," academy
Award winner morgan freeman and
Ernest borgnine are here.
[ cheers and applause ]
And also, I promised my friend
Lindsey buckingham, that he
Could sing a song about
Literacy.
It's going to be great, lindsey.
>> yeah it is.
[ applause ]
Okay then, now --
Mr. Morgan freeman, you were in
A movie about education called,
"lean on me."
>> that's right.
>> you played a principal, named
Joe clark who was tough.
Is that what schools are lacking
Today, toughness?
>> well, no.
I don't think what our schools
Lack toughness.
I think what all schools lack
Today is empowerment.
[ cymbal beat starts ]
That's the first thing we need.
Well, I mean, empowerment begins
With the choice of what kind of
Education you're going to --
[ cymbal sounds ]
[ laughter ]
As I was saying, where it really
Starts is with a solid family
Foundation.
♪ family foundation ♪
[ laughter ]
>> well, they call it homework
Because it begins in the home.
♪ it begins in the home yeah ♪
>> but some students don't have
That solid foundation, you know.
So they have nothing to build
On.
It's very sad.
♪ it's so sad baby and I gots to
Say ooh-ee ♪
♪ what's up with that what's up
With that ooh-ee ♪
♪ what's up with that what's up
With that ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, we're
Going to slow this thing on
Down.
Now here to promote reading is a
Man that has top educational
Folk experience.
Please welcome doo-doo man and
Swingy.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ laughter ]
♪ put a book in your face yeah
Yeah yeah
Put a book in your mouth ♪
♪ in your mouth baby
Yeah yeah yeah
Put a book in your pants ♪
♪ in your pants
Yeah yeah yeah
Ooh-ee ♪
♪ what's up with that ♪
♪ ooh-ee ♪
♪ what's up with that ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, now for
Something very special.
Please welcome a former teacher,
Mary kay letourneau and her
Student lover, vili fualaau.
♪ go mary ♪
♪ go vili ♪
♪ you're married ♪
♪ it's creepy ♪
♪ she old ♪
♪ you dumb ♪
♪ it's nasty ♪
♪ I love it ♪
♪ man I want a teacher like
That ♪
♪ I want a teacher like that ♪
♪ man I need a teacher like
That ♪
♪ ooh-e-e ♪
♪ what's up with this ♪
♪ what's up with that ♪
♪ ooh-ee what's up with that
What's up with that ♪
♪ what's up I said what's up
What is up with that ♪
♪ I said what is up with that
Now, if you're chewing gum in
Class ♪
♪ don't stick it under the
Desk ♪
♪ 'cause that poor old cleanin'
Lady she's just gonna have to
Clean it up ♪
Yeah.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> well, we out of time!
[ laughter ]
But we learned so much about
Education.
I want to thank my guests,
Morgan freeman.
[ cheers and applause ]
93-year-old sex machine,
Ernest borgnine.
>> yes sir!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> but before we go,
Lindsey buckingham, we're going
To have to cut your song.
And I'm sorry, lindsey.
Come on lindsey,
Don't be like that.
Come on.
There you go.
You're my best friend.
The only thing I can say is --
♪ hey hey hey hey ♪
♪ ooh-ee ♪
What's up with that ♪
♪ what's up with that ooh-ee
What's up with that ♪
♪ what's up with that ooh-ee
What's up with that ♪
>> next week, we return live
With host robert deniro and
Musical guest diddy dirty money.
>>> shookus and miller beat us
In every corporate basketball
Game.
We have to win.
>> I hope mr. Kerns gets here
Soon so we can start warming up.
>> speaking of warming up, I
Heard that sexy, new girl shanna
Was going to be here.
>> really?
Nice.
>> guys, really?
Again with the shanna?
>> yeah, again with the shanna.
>> can we please change the
Subject?
>> all right.
Who's going to make some baskets
With me, huh, team?
>> all right.
>> let's do this!
>> mr. Kerns, I bought you one
Of those protein shakes you
Like.
>> that's good.
When's shanna getting here?
>> hi, everybody.
Hi.
I hope it's okay that I stopped
By this hot gym.
>> yeah.
>> you know, it's so nice of you
To cheer us on.
I mean, thanks for bringing the
Pom-poms.
>> yeah.
>> yeah, and those red things,
Too.
>> I'm a little nervous.
It's been a while since I really
Shook them hard.
>> well there's no time like to
Shake 'em.
>> okay.
[ laughter ]
>> hot mary moses.
>> I want to see her do that
Under a sprinkler.
>> she is terrific.
>> she's a downright triple
Hottie, y'all.
>> mr. Kerns, do you want your
Protein shake now?
>> I'm going to need some energy
Today.
I wish I had a protein shake.
>> here.
Take this.
>> oh, thank you.
Oh, it looks like all the stuff
Is on the bottom.
How do I mix it up again?
Just go like this?
>> sure, try that.
>> that looks perfect.
>> that's perfect.
>> just keep going like this?
Or maybe I could mix it up like
This.
My own special way.
Here I go.
♪ laughter ]
>> well that was different.
[ laughter ]
>> that was sexy to the power of
Nothing.
[ light laughter ]
>> uh-oh, all that swallowing
Gave me the burpies.
Excuse me.
>> that was so cute.
>> I think I can feel an even
More tinier one.
[ burps ]
[ laughter ]
That was a lot bigger than I
Thought.
[ laughter ]
>> don't worry.
It's natural.
>> for whom?
[ laughter ]
>> mr. Kerns, I forgot to tell
You, I sent your Halloween party
Invitations out a few days
Early.
I did good, right?
>> yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great.
Shanna, please come.
>> I love Halloween parties.
Ooh.
Last year, I went to a party,
And I only wore cellophane and I
Told everyone I was a leftover.
>> I'd love to see pictures of
That.
>> you guys want to hear a story
About it?
>> yeah.
>> absolutely.
>> here it goes.
The party was in a barn with
Animals and hay.
And we played old-timey games
Like bobbing for apples.
So I went over to the barrel.
And I pulled my hair back.
And then I bent way over --
>> oh, yeah!
>> -- I put my face in the
Water.
And the funny thing is, I didn't
Pull up an apple.
It was a big, round, squishy cow
Dump.
And it was squishing around in
My mouth.
And I chewed it.
And I was so embarrassed I just
Swallowed it.
[ laughter ]
And then my breath smelled like
Real bad stinky cow butt.
[ laughter ]
>> I think my brain just threw
Up.
[ laughter ]
>> oh, come on, guys.
Things happen.
She did the best she could in a
Weird situation.
>> guys, the game's going to
Start soon don't you think you
Should --
>> I have an idea.
Why don't I give you a little
Cheer before you get started.
>> yes.
>> please.
Rah, rah, rah!
And here's my favorite part,
Okay?
[ whistle blowing ]
Go, team!
[ laughter ]
[ whistle blowing ]
[ laughter ]
>> I'm gonna go be by myself.
>> yeah, I'm going with you.
>> me too, as well.
>> thanks a lot, beth.
>> what?
>> shanna, would you like to go
Cheese sampling with me and then
Talk about cheese afterwards?
>> would I?
I'm so excited.
When I get excited, I look like
This.
Wait, that's not it.
I think this.
[ laughter ]
>> you are a starburst nebula.
>> so are you.
Whoops, when I do that cheer, I
Get so hot.
I think I'd better take off my
Sweater.
Okay.
>> okay.
[ laughter ]
>> too-da-loo.
>> oh, that woman just gives me
The shivers.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
[ phone ringing ]
>>> 911.
What's your emergency?
Hello?
>> do you hear that?
>> what?
>> no.
Let's get this done.
>> okay.
♪
>> this summer, helen mirren is
Top dog in "rescue dogs 3d."
>> I want your gun and your
Leash.
You're off the case.
>> "rescue dogs 3d," sit stay
Help is on the way.
>> what is the nature of your
Emergency?
Robbery, home invasion.
Where should we send help?
Gps.
Please select your theater for
"rescue dogs 3d."
Please choose a showtime for
"rescue dogs 3d."
Thank you for your purchase of
99 child tickets.
>> no!
>> searching contacts.
All 354 contacts e-mailed to
Join you at "rescue dogs 3d."
>> are you having a hunger
Emergency?
Let the "rescue dogs" help.
Two for one pizzas from pizza
Hut.
Thanks for your order.
Be patient.
Help is on the way.
>> great.
What?
No.
>> you ordered pizza hut?
I got your "rescue dogs" snack
Pack.
>> what?
Let's shoot this mother [ beep ]
[ gunfire ]
>> oh!
>> hey!
Hey!
>> wait, don't shoot.
I didn't see anything.
Just take whatever you want.
>> sorry, no witnesses.
[ dog barking ]
♪
[ laughter ]
>> thanks rescue dogs.
>> ladies and gentlemen,
Kanye west.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ I'm living
In the 21st century
Doing something mean to it
Do it better than anybody ♪
♪ you ever seen do it
Screams from the haters
Got a nice ring to it
I guess every superhero ♪
♪ need his theme music ♪
♪ no one man should
Have all that power
The clock's ticking
I just count the hours ♪
♪ stop tripping
I'm tripping off the power
21st century schizoid man ♪
♪ the system broken
The schools closed
The prisons open
We ain't got nothing to lose ♪
♪ everybody, we rolling
Huh? ♪
♪ everybody, we rolling
With some light-skinned girls
And some kelly rowlands
In this white man's world ♪
♪ we the ones chosen
So goodnight, cruel world
I see you in the morning huh? ♪
♪ I see you in the morning this
Is way too much
I need a moment ♪
♪ no one man should have all
That power
The clock's ticking
I just count the hours ♪
♪ stop tripping
I'm tripping off the power
'til then, the world's ours ♪
♪ 21st century schizoid man ♪
♪ the brown hero, live from
Ground zero
Machine gun flow, made her get a
Ross perot ♪
♪ and this is
Disestablishmentarianism ♪
♪ with my night goggles on, got
Military vision ♪
♪ and it's still a very
Christian way to think about
Livin' ♪
♪ when you prayin' for freedom
'cause your mind been in
Prison ♪
♪ 'cause they tryin' to control
Every single big decision ♪
♪ you ain't effin' the system,
Then why the eff is you
Livin'? ♪
♪ look, dawg, you can cop
Whatever suits you on ♪
♪ three-piece, cuff links and
The accouterments ♪
♪ they been feedin' us fish
Without the nutrients ♪
♪ so I'm back with another hit
To let the truth be known ♪
♪ and your boy still fresh with
The gucci on ♪
♪ them italians sure know how to
Make what the moodies want ♪
♪ and they really can't take
What doobie on ♪
♪ but I be on the same thing
'til you prove me wrong ♪
♪ no one man should
Have all that power
The clock's ticking
I just count the hours ♪
♪ stop tripping
I'm tripping off the power
'til, the world's ours ♪
♪ and then they
And then they
And then they ♪
♪ 21st century schizoid man ♪
♪ colin powells, austin powers
Lost in translation
With a whole effing nation
They say I was ♪
♪ the abomination
Of obama's nation
Well, that's a pretty bad way
To start the conversation ♪
♪ at the end of the day
I'm killing this
I know damn well
Y'all feeling this ♪
♪ I don't need you
Baby I'm on my own
I ain't gotta trip
Who you going home with? ♪
♪ how 'ye doing?
Well, I'm surviving
I was drinking earlier
Now I'm driving ♪
♪ where the bad
Where ya hiding?
I got the power
Make your life so exciting ♪
♪ so exciting
So exciting
I got the power ♪
♪ make your life so exciting ♪
♪
♪ I got the power ♪
♪ make your life so exciting ♪
♪
♪ now this would
Be a beautiful death
Jumping out the window
Letting everything go ♪
♪ letting everything go
Now this would
Be a beautiful death
Jumping out the window ♪
♪ letting everything go
Letting everything go
Now this would
Be a beautiful death ♪
♪ jumping out the window letting
Everything go
Letting everything go ♪
♪
♪ 21st century schizoid man ♪
♪
[ laughter ]
>> "weekend update" with seth
Meyers.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I'm seth meyers, and here are
Tonight's top stories.
>> north korean leader kim
Jong-il on Monday promoted his
Son, kim jong-un to the rank of
General.
A sign that he will succeed his
Father as the country's ruler,
Much to the chagrin of kim
Jong-il's other son,
Jeb jong-ill.
>> on Friday, the white house
Released rahm emanuel back into
The wild.
[ laughter ]
Speculation is emanuel is
Returning to chicago to run for
Mayor.
There are many questions facing
His campaign, the biggest being,
Can he kiss a baby without it
Bursting into flames?
[ laughter ]
>>> cnn fired newsman
Rick sanchez Friday one day
After he called jon stewart a
Bigot and suggested that cnn is
Controlled by jews.
In the end, sanchez was done in
By his achilles heel, his mouth.
[ light laughter ]
>> in an effort to drum up
Support for democratic
Candidates, president obama has
Been traveling the country and
Engaging voters in a series of
Backyard chats.
He was going to do front yard
Chats, but then you get the
Foreclosure sign in the
Pictures.
[ applause ]
>> los angeles was hit with
Record-breaking heat on Monday
With temperatures reaching 113
Degrees.
It was so hot, even governor
Schwarzenegger couldn't take it.
>> well, there was a lot of big
News this summer.
But here again with the
Secondhand news is our
Secondhand news correspondent,
Anthony crispino.
>> hey, how you doin' seth?
Hey, it's good to be back.
Hey, did you lose weight?
>> maybe a little.
>> I'm just messing with you.
Come on seth.
So anyway, you hear about this
Freakin' mess at ground zero?
>> yeah, that's been in the news
A lot.
>> yeah.
Because apparently, you know,
Muslanic guys, you know, they
Want to show that jim carrey
Movie "the mask" at ground zero.
It's a freakin' disgrace.
[ laughter ]
>> no, no I think you're
Thinking about the mosque.
>> I'm pretty sure it was "the
Mask," seth.
That's why this preacher down in
Florida, he's going to burn all
These koreans.
[ laughter ]
I guess koreans really love jim
Carrey.
I don't know.
>> who told you that?
>> who told me that?
>> my hot dog guy fassook.
>> well fassook is misinformed.
>> okay, all right.
So uhh --
>> who are you looking for?
>> there's people seth.
So you hear about this thing
With lebron james?
Apparently next year he's going
To be on "miami vice."
>> no.
>> yeah.
True story.
>> no, he's not.
>> you know, everyone thought,
You know --
He was going to be on the
Cleveland show.
But you know, he wasn't cartoony
Enough, you know.
So he's going to be on "miami
Vice" with freakin' dwyane wade
From "a different world."
It's true, true story.
>> where did you hear that?
>> where did I hear that?
Freakin' louie from over at the
Thing.
>> okay, well, the thing?
>> he's always near that thing.
>> louie doesn't sound very
Reliable.
>> okay.
Alright.
So, uh --
>> there's nobody under there.
>> there's nobody under there?
You never know.
So you hear about this?
This obama?
Yeah.
He's going to repeal the bush
Haircuts.
Yeah.
Apparently rich people, they
Can't get haircuts no more.
>> it's not haircuts, it's tax
Cuts.
>> no, it was definitely
Haircuts, seth.
Because this obama, turns out
He's a socialite.
Yeah.
[ laughter ]
He can't run the country because
He's going to fancy parties all
The time.
>> where did you hear these
Things?
>> well a little birdie told me,
Seth.
Okay.
A little birdie named skank who
Sells me bootleg dvds.
>>ok.
Alright.
Any other news this summer?
>> uh, lets see.
You know who used the "n" word?
>> who?
>> debbie gibson.
>> no.
>> what else?
You know what they found in
Paris hilton's purse?
>> what?
>> bedbugs.
>> no.
[ laughter ]
>> and tiger woods.
He finally got divorced from
Ellen degeneres.
That was never going to work.
That was never going to work
Because she's you know,
Lebanese.
>> anthony crispino, everybody.
>> there's something under
There, be careful.
[ applause ]
>> it was revealed Wednesday
That howard stern's studio in
New york city was infested with
Bedbugs last week.
"man, it is disgusting in here,"
Said the bedbugs.
Germany will finally pay off the
Last of the $94 million in
Reparations it owed for world
War I.
Said a german accountant, "okay,
Zat is done, vat's next?
Oh -- right."
[ laughter ]
Insiders are saying that
David hasselhoff was a mess
Behind the scenes on "dancing
With the stars."
You know who else is saying
That?
Outsiders.
[ laughter ]
It was announced that after
34 years in print, the comic
Strip "cathy" would end its run.
Here now to address the sadness
Is the star of that comic and
The apple of my eye, cathy.
[ applause ]
>> hi!
>> so cathy, cathy.
Lovely, beautiful cathy,
34 years.
What a great run.
>> seth, the only runs I know
About are the ones in my
Pantyhose.
My thighs want out!
Ah!
[ laughter ]
>> oh, cathy.
So tell me cathy what are you
Going to do with all your new
Free time?
>> I'm finally going to live it
Up.
First item, go to a nude beach.
>> you're daring enough to
Skinny dip.
>> I don't skinny dip, seth.
I fanny float.
Ack!
[ laughter ]
One time I fell asleep on the
Sand.
When I woke up, I was in the
Tank at seaworld.
Embarrassment splotches!
[ laughter ]
>> oh, I am going to miss your
Wit.
>> oh, tiny hearts, tiny hearts,
Tiny hearts.
>> cathy, on a serious note, a
Lot of women are really going to
Miss you.
Do you have any last word of
Advice for all your fans?
>> I do.
Ladies, age is just a number.
And mine's plus size, brownies!
>> no one does it like you,
Cathy.
And in honor of your last week,
We at "weekend update" have
Prepared a going-away tribute to
All our great "cathy" memories.
Let's take a look.
♪
[ laughter and applause ]
>> yeah, that pretty much sums
It up.
You know, seth, now that I'm
Leaving, maybe you and I could
Finally --
>> oh, I don't think so, cathy.
>> are you sure?
Once you go "ack," you never go
Back.
[ laughter ]
>> I'll consider it.
>> sweat drops, hot flash, urban
Mondays!
Ack!
>> retiring super star cathy,
Everyone!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> it was announced Wednesday
Nicole "snooki" polizzi will
Write a brook based on her
Experiences on the reality show,
"the jersey shore."
Possible titles include "eat,
Spray, love."
"sisterhood of the not wearing
Any panties"
And "the color orange."
This week marks the 50th
Anniversary of "the
Flintstones."
The seminal animated series that
Inspired, among other things,
The creationist movement.
This weekend bbc america will
Begin airing episodes of the
British version of "law &
Order."
Called "law & order, uk."
It's like the regular "law &
Order."
Except instead of the
Traditional --♪
They use -- ♪
A man in colorado was arrested
After he wounded a police
Officer by shooting him in the
Arm because he thought the cop
Was a zombie.
Though in the man's defense, the
Cop did say, "drop your gun and
Put your hands above your
Delicious brains."
[ laughter ]
For "weekend update," I'm seth
Meyers.
Good night!
>> you're watching the game show
Network.
Up next "kid smartz."
>> it's time to play "kid
Smartz."
The quiz show for kids with your
Host, bobby pauth.
>> hey!
[ applause ]
Hello, everybody.
I'm bobby pauth.
We have a great show for you,
And our brand-new sponsor, st.
Angie's crinkle-cut fries.
The crinkles holds the cheese.
Now, let's meet today's
Kid-testants.
Hey there.
Aren't you a cutie pie?
>> thanks.
>> what's your name?
>> vickie.
>> oh and how old are you,
Vickie?
>> I'm 10.
>> oh, you're getting all grown
Up, aren't you?
>> sure am.
>> well, I wish you a lot of
Luck in today's game.
>> thank you.
>> all right.
Let's move on to our next
Kid-testant.
Hi, there.
What's your name?
>> sandy.
Well, that's a pretty name.
How old are you?
>> I'm 11.
>> oh, 11.
So you're just a little bit
Older than the other girl here.
Huh?
Give me a kiss.
Oh, you've made my day, sandy.
Next up we have roger.
Can I have a kiss?
>> yeah.
[ laughter ]
>> my, my, my.
What a great group we have
Today.
Can I have another kiss?
>> yeah.
[ laughter ]
>> okay.
You kids are on your way to
Winning a lot of money.
Now we have one last kid-testant
To meet.
A sweet little girl from the
Detroit area.
And what is your name?
>> it's jeanelle.
Go away.
[ laughter ]
>> why?
>> you know why.
[ laughter ]
>> jeanelle, what's wrong?
>> a whole lot of stuff.
All of it!
>> jeanelle, I have been doing
This show for 15 years, and
Everybody loves it.
All game show hosts kiss their
Contestants.
Besides, you might win $200!
>> at what cost?
>> okay, how about a hug
Instead?
>> how about you go hug a weed
Whacker!
[ laughter ]
>> roger, do you want to give me
Jeanelle's hug?
>> yeah.
>> and how about an end of hug
Kiss?
>> yeah.
[ laughter ]
>> great job, kids.
Are you ready to play?
>> yeah!
♪
>> let's play "kid smartz."
Here we go.
Okay, here's your first
Question.
Which one of these is not one of
Columbus's ships.
Is it the "nina"?
The "pinta"?
The "santa maria"?
Or the "de charles"?
Yes, roger?
>> the "nina."
[ buzzer sound ]
>> oh, I'm sorry, roger.
That is incorrect.
Oh, roger.
Are you upset?
>> yeah.
>> aw!
Well, you know, you tried your
Best.
[ laughter ]
You feel better now?
>> almost.
[ laughter ]
>> there we go.
Now, does anybody else know the
Correct answer?
Yes, jeanelle.
>> it's the "de charles."
Stay back, dummy!
[ laughter ]
>> congratulations, jeanelle.
That is correct.
You've just won $200.
>> stay away!
>> I just want to give you your
Check and maybe a little kiss.
>> turn around!
[ laughter ]
>> jeanelle, this is a
Congratulations kiss.
We do this.
>> I hope you're not allergic to
Nuts.
>> why?
>> because I'm going to kick
Yours up into your throat!
[ laughter ]
>> oh, you're a pistol.
Okay.
We're going to take a little
Break.
But when we come back, I'm going
To get that kiss.
>> kiss the ground, freak-a-doo!
[ laughter ]
Let me see this check.
This check better not balance.
>> we'll be right back.
>>> good evening, everybody.
Hello.
Thank you all for coming.
Are you ready, dan?
>> I'm always ready.
Always ready for such a lovely
Audience.
They look so beautiful tonight.
Two, three.
♪ I sent a bottle of sparkling
Apple juice to your house ♪
♪ did you get it? ♪
♪ I sent a bottle of sparkling
Apple juice to your house ♪
♪ did you get it? ♪
♪ I sent a bottle of sparkling
Apple juice to your house ♪
♪ did you get it? ♪
>> oh, remember this song?
♪ I sent a bottle of sparkling
Apple juice to your house ♪
♪ did you get it? ♪
Thank you all so much for coming
Tonight.
It means so much to me and my
Brother, jeffrey.
>> it sure does.
>> can you all see us?
The people in the back?
Is that --
Can we --?
>> turn the house lights up a
Little, we want to see the
Crowd.
♪
>> look at that.
There are not that many people
Here tonight.
>> no.
This is what professional
Singers describe as "lightly
Attended."
There are pockets of people.
I see a nice little crowd right
Over there.
Hello.
It's about quality not quantity.
>> still, a few more people
Would have been nice.
It seems like whole sections are
Empty.
>> whole sections.
But that's okay.
This is our hometown.
And you know what?
We love you!
♪ I sent a bottle of sparkling
Apple juice to your house ♪
♪ did you get it? ♪
♪ I sent a bottle of sparkling
Apple juice to your house ♪
♪ did you get it? ♪
>> you guys remember that song?
>> I know, we sure do.
>> its our only hit song, isn't
That amazing?
>> oh.
>> it came out in 1979.
>> god are we that old already?
>> I still look the same don't
I?
>> no comment on that one.
Sounds so lovely, yeah.
So I'd like to say --
♪ I sent a bottle of sparkling
Apple juice to your house ♪
♪ did you get it? ♪
>> this song hit the top 200 on
The minnesota charts, how about
That?
How about that?
>> but seeing our name up there,
On "the bjelland brothers"
Printed local music trade
Magazine --
Oh, we were shocked.
Especially since the song was
Written fairly quickly, believe
It or not.
>> it's true.
You see, I had sent a bottle of
Sparkling apple juice to a woman
I was very interested in.
>> very interested.
>> and I didn't hear back from
Her as to whether or not she got
It.
>> not a word.
>> I was very depressed for
About a year until one day, I
Walked out into my garage and
Saw a bottle of sparkling apple
Juice sitting underneath a table
Saw.
It turns out I forgot to send
It.
[ laughter ]
>> he's very forgetful.
>> there are a lot of wrapped
Presents sitting out in his
Garage.
>> but you know something
People?
We did got this whole beautiful
Song out of this experience.
Didn't we?
>> we did.
>> choreography.
♪ I sent a bottle of sparkling
Apple juice to your house ♪
♪ did you get it? ♪
>> say hello to our band.
They've been working so hard on
This three-day tour.
>> yeah we have.
Thank you, yes.
>> oh, we lost a lot of money on
This tour.
A lot of money.
>> that's right, we bought two
Buses.
Do you know how much a bus
Costs?
You know, we could have rented
Them but --
I was just being show-offy in
Front of my new assistant.
So, so dumb.
[ laughter ]
>> we also hired a chef.
>> stupid.
>> you guys look like a very
Good crowd.
>> do you guys want to sing
Along?
>> oh, perfect idea.
>> bring it down.
Bring the music down just a
Little bit, guys.
♪ I sent a --
-- Apple juice to your -- ♪
♪ did you -- ♪
♪ I sent a --
♪ to your house ♪
Did you get it? ♪
>>> once again, kanye west
Featuring pusha t.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ look at you look at you look
At you look at you ladies and
Gentlemen ladies and gentlemen ♪
♪ look at you look at you look
At you look at you ♪ and I want
To show you how you all look
Like beautiful stars tonight ♪
♪ look at you look at you look
At you look at you ♪
♪ look at you look at you look
At you look at you ♪
♪ and I want to show you how you
All look like beautiful stars
Tonight ♪
♪ and I always find, yeah I
Always find something wrong you
Been putting up with my --
Just way too long ♪
♪ I'm so gifted at finding what
I don't like the most so I think
It's time for us to have a
Toast ♪
♪ let's have a toast for the
Douchebags let's have a toast
For the -- ♪
♪ let's have a toast for the
Scumbags every one of them that
I know let's have a toast ♪
♪ to the jerkoffs that'll never
Take work off baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can ♪
♪ she find pictures in my email
I sent this girl a picture of
My --
I don't know ♪
♪ what it is with females but
I'm not too good at that, hey!
See, I could have ♪
♪ me a good girl and still be
Addicted to them hood rats and I
Just blame ♪
♪ everything on you at least you
Know that's what I'm good at and
I always find ♪
♪ and I always find yeah I
Always find something wrong you
Been putting up with my --♪
♪ just way too long I'm so
Gifted at finding what I don't
Like the most so I think it's
Time ♪
♪ for us to have a toast let's
Have a toast for the douchebags
Let's have a toast ♪
♪ for the --
Let's have a toast for the
Scumbags every one of them ♪
♪ that I know let's have a toast
To the jerkoffs that'll never
Take work off ♪
♪ baby, I got a plan run away
Fast as you can look at you look
At you ♪
♪ look at you look at you look
At you look at you ♪
♪ look at you look at you look
At you look at you ♪
♪ and I want to show you how you
All look like beautiful stars
Tonight ♪
♪ 24/7, 365 jenny stays on my
Mind I did it, all right, all
Right I admit it ♪
♪ now pick your next move you
Could leave or live with it
Ichabod crane with that
Lamborghini top off ♪
♪ split and go where?
Back to wearing knockoffs, huh?
Knock it off neiman's, shop it
Off ♪
♪ let's talk over mai tais
Waitress, top it off --posers
Wanna fly in your freddy
Loafers ♪
♪ you can't blame 'em they ain't
Never seen versace sofas every
Bag, every blouse ♪
♪ every bracelet comes with a
Price tag baby, face it you
Should leave if you ♪
♪ can't accept the basics plenty
Of those in the baller-player's
Matrix invisibly set ♪
♪ the rolex is faceless I'm just
Young, rich and tasteless ♪
♪ look at you look at you look
At you look at you ♪
♪
♪ and I always find something
Wrong ♪
♪ even though it's been way too
Long ♪
I'm so gifted at finding what I
Don't like the most ♪
♪ so I think it's time for us to
Have a toast let's have a toast
For the douchebags ♪
Let's have a toast for the --
♪ let's have a toast for the
Scumbags every one of them that
I know let's have a toast ♪
♪ for the jerkoffs that'll never
Take work off baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can ♪
♪ let's have a toast for the
Douchebags let's take a toast
For the --
Let's take a toast for the ♪
♪ let's take a toast for the
Scumbags everyone of them that I
Know ♪ let's have a toast for
The jerkoffs that'll never take
Work off ♪
♪ baby, I got a plan run away
Fast as you can ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
♪ pegasus pegasus I like your
Shape ♪
♪ that's cause I drew you --♪
>> henry!
Pegasus looks great.
>> thanks, dad.
>> hey, can I have a talk with
You for a minute, son?
>> okay.
>>now, I know that the fifth
Grade can be rough.
Your mom tells me you're getting
Picked on by some bullies.
>> yeah.
Today they somehow fit me into
My own backpack.
>> well, you're way small.
>> I'm way small.
Yeah, definitely the smallest
Boy.
Probably smaller than all but a
Couple girls.
>> but that's okay.
Because I'm going to teach you
How to defend yourself.
You know why?
>> because you were a green
Beret?
>> because I was a green beret,
And because I love you.
All right, henry.
Feet steady.
Hands up.
Eyes on the target.
And come at me.
>> okay.
[ punching sound ]
Wow!
>> all right.
>> ow, dad.
>> all right, champ.
You're all right.
Now, what happened there?
>> yeah, let's talk about it.
I got my butt handed to me right
Off the bat.
>> what do you think you did
Wrong?
>> I'll be honest.
I went in with little to no
Strategy.
>> uh-huh.
>> then there was the whole
Punch in the face moment.
And it was pretty much just
Lights out from there.
>> yeah.
Yeah, that's right, henry.
At what point did you lose the
Upper hand?
>> I'd say from the get-go and
Then pretty much steadily
Throughout.
>> and what are you going to do
Right now?
>> well, my suggestion is that
We both step away from this for
About an hour, maybe process it.
And that way I can get back to
My mural.
>> or you can come at me even
Harder.
>> okay.
>> now, what are you?
>> small.
>> what do you want to be?
>> strong.
>> how are you going to do that?
>> I'm going to fight and win.
>> now come at me!
>> okay.
Ow.
Dad, ow.
>> oh, henry, are you okay?
>> yes.
But ow.
>> now, what happened there,
Champ?
>> let's see.
Once again, I got absolutely
Dominated.
>> yeah, you got absolutely
Dominated.
Now, why do you let me do that?
>> I was focused on staying on
The balls of my feet.
So that all checked out.
But then it was punch this the
Face time, and I just had no
Answer for that.
>> henry, you've got to keep
Your arms up.
>> right.
Again, dad, I feel like
Everything you're saying makes
Perfect sense on paper.
But when I'm actually in the
Fight --
>> it's a lot harder.
>> it's a lot harder, yeah.
I get tired, like, almost
Immediately.
And if I'm being completely
Honest, there are moments during
The fights where I wish I was
Doing anything else.
And, again, there's just a whole
Lot of thinking about my mural.
>> oh.
And it shows.
Now, I need to hear it again.
What are you?
>> small.
>> what do you want to be?
>> a mural artist.
>> henry.
>> strong.
>> okay.
What should you do with fear?
>> have less of it.
>> right!
Right!
So come on!
Do this!
Knock me out!
>> okay.
Uh!
>> now, henry, why did you let
Me get you with a choke hold?
>> you're asking me to take
Myself out of the situation, but
I'm still very much in it.
Although, could you let go?
Because I think my face is
Starting to die.
>> oh, oh.
>> boys, dinner's ready.
>> oh, good.
>> we'll be up in a minute.
>> okay.
Ready?
All right, son.
What happened there, henry?
>> I don't know.
Looking back, I'm very proud of
My performance.
I did everything right.
And in the end it just came down
To superior size and strength.
>> well, obviously, this is
Going to take some time, but
I've got to say, you are
Improving crazy fast.
>> yeah.
I'm improving crazy fast.
>> and I love you, buddy.
But you're way small.
>> I'm way small.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>>> traveling can be tough,
Especially if you find it hard
To sleep in a strange room.
You've tried white noise
Machines.
But they just don't work.
That's why sharper image created
The isleep pro.
The isleep pro not only has a
Setting for white noise but also
One for black noise.
The soothing sounds you're used
To.
Sounds like muffled tyler perry
Sitcoms.
>> why'd you come here?
Why'd you come here?
I wish that fool would come and
Help.
>> an old lady complaining about
Foot problems through the wall.
>> oh, lord geez, I can't walk
On it no more.
>> bass.
♪
Domestic arguments.
>> I told you, I don't know why!
>> you lied!
>> and the movie, "Friday."
>> you think he's playing with
You?
>> man, that fool ain't going to
Do nothing.
>> so you can get the rest you
Need.
And be ready to take on the
World.
Isleep pro.
Get the sleep you need.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> oh, thank you to kanye west!
[ cheers and applause ]
Pusha t.
Ernest borgnine.
Thank you, lorne michaels.
And the greatest cast --
I had the best week of my life!
I love you!
Thank you all!