F R A S I E R (10x18) - Roe to Perdition -
Oh, uh, get a cart. -Oh, could you get it, Niles, please?
They're so small they make me feel like I'm some sort of fairy tale giant.
Hey, any thoughts about what to serve? -Well, I thought
we might serve a house-cured gravlax with creme fraiche and a sprig of dill.
Oh, in other words, the usual.
For your information, Niles, people happen to like it.
Yes, people like animated musicals. -Oh, honestly.
Frasier, look! Caviar. -They haven't had any in ages.
This is just what we need to make our soiree "soignee".
Whoa. Good heavens. It's $100 an ounce. -Well, it must be mis-marked.
Excuse me! Is the Beluga really $100 an ounce? -Yes.
Well, isn't that rather a lot to pay? -To you, yes.
To the fish who gave up her life so that you could spread
her unborn children on a cracker, it's not so much.
You know, the reason for such high prices is the Russian mafia.
They control this market.
The Russian mafia controls Robert's Gourmet Goodies?
He means the caviar market, you ninny.
I have Beluga for sale. Top quality, fair price.
The name is Petyr. I recently arrived on my cousin's ship,
The Caspian Queen, with beautiful Beluga caviar.
But because of those gangsters, we cannot sell. So I do it like this.
Quietly.
How much you want? -How do we know this isn't some sort of scam?
It's no scam.
Look inside.
You taste!
You really must try this, Niles.
It's like being kissed by a lusty mermaid!
So, you are interested, yes? -Maybe.
But how can we be sure that you are not Russian mafia yourself?
Because for six generations my family fished the Caspian.
Then ten years ago, the bastards come. They burn my father's boat.
They steal my mother's salt so she cannot prepare the roe.
And if they know I sell Beluga for $40 an ounce!
They would cut out my tongue and pluck out my eyes!
Did you say $40 an ounce?
Shouldn't our caviar be here by now? -It'll be here, Niles.
I gave Roz explicit instructions. -What if we've been swindled?
What if the tins are filled with sand?
Niles, I am, as you know, an excellent judge of character.
And in Petyr, I saw an honest, hard-working fisherman.
Why didn't you have him deliver it here? -What? I don't want him knowing where I live!
The Russian bear hunts by night! -Very funny, Roz, come on.
Give me that. All right, let's have a look.
Oh! Niles!
It's beautiful. -I don't get what the big deal is about caviar.
I had it once. It was nothing special. -Well, Roz, a lot of things can affect caviar.
Where did you have it? -On a mini-bagel at the Tucson Doubletree.
Here, try this.
Hmmm. Wow. That's good. -Yes.
That's really good. What's your little party for tonight?
Invited guests. I'm sorry, Roz. -What?
Thank you for your help. See you later.
Oh, hey, Roz. -Oh, hi, Dad.
Hey! Hey, everybody. Check this out! I just went to the ATM for $20,
as you can see from this receipt, and it gave me $60. I won 40 bucks!
You mean the bank lost $40. -Uh, yeah, that big faceless bank
that charges me $12 a month for my checking account lost $40.
You know, you can't keep that. It's bad karma.
Sorry. This is America. A land built on the principle,
"Finders Keepers."
Oh, come on.
There's a toll-free service number right here on the receipt. Just call them and tell them what happened.
Why should I? -Because otherwise, you could end up like my brother Nigel
and his baby teeth.
What happened with your brother Nigel and his baby teeth?
Well, like any child, the first time he had a tooth fall out he put it under his pillow at bedtime,
and sure enough, the next morning he found that Winston Churchill had left him a shiny new coin.
Question... -No, Dad, we're not stopping. Go ahead, Darling.
Well, instead of being grateful, he got greedy and went off to school,
punching people in their mouths and scooping up their teeth.
Of course, it didn't work and he got kicked out of school, became a thief,
and eventually went to prison.
Where he... fittingly...
had all of his teeth knocked out...? -No, he lost his teeth years earlier
in a rock-eating contest.
Now that's an interesting story.
We were renting a house next to a quarry at the time... -All right, all right, I'll call the bank!
Very kind of you to have us here, Crane. -Yes, it's wonderful.
But then you must be used to hosting successful parties. -Oh, not really.
Something's usually on fire by now. -Oh, you're funny.
No, I'm serious.
Now, tell me. How can we get our hands on some of this fantastic caviar?
Well, I wish I could tell you but it's uh... a private source.
Well, perhaps I should mention then that, uh, this is for our yacht party,
at which there just might be room enough for another guest. -Okay, what are we talking here?
Well, maybe five, six ounces?
Let me go see what's in the refrigerator. -Thatta boy, Crane!
Niles, what are you doing? -Oh, good news. Emile Sinclair is crazy about the caviar.
If we sell him the rest, he distinctly implied he could get our squash lockers
moved further from the showers. Isn't that fantastic?
Per-son-al. -Yes, well, it would be, Niles, if the Michaelses weren't equally enamored of it
and dangling an invitation to a yacht party.
That is a pickle!
Check-ing.
Niles, why don't we just call Petyr and order some more caviar?
That way we can satisfy both Sinclair and the Michaels. -Cus-to-mer Ser-vice!
You know, Niles, this caviar connection could really open some doors for us, hmm?
Per-son-al!
What you doing, Dad? -Oh, this stupid bank's automated voice system.
It's like a maze! -All right, give it here.
You just push "O," and you'll get an operator.
Little trick I learned.
Another menu, hmm. Sometimes it's a star.
All right, maybe "1" will get me back to a main menu.
Ah. Here you go. -Got me to the right department? -No, but if I remember my high school Spanish correctly,
you just qualified for a small-business loan.
Hi, can I help you? -Yes.
Uh, I was at one of your ATMs yesterday, and it gave me back more than it should have,
so I want to... -Okay, for that you're going to need to complete an ATM trouble report
and then take it to our operations officer at the desk over there.
You mean I have to fill this out before I can give you 40 bucks? -Yes, sir.
But your sign says, "Making banking simpler!" -Yes, sir.
Well, this isn't simpler, it's more complicated.
Yes, sir, it is.
Oh, forget it.
I knew this was going to be more trouble than it's worth.
A little paperwork's a small price to pay for a clear conscience.
Yeah, meanwhile, I'm out 40 bucks. -It's not your money!
Can I help you? -Yes, uh, I had some trouble with one of your ATMs.
Oh, I can't help you. I need a manager.
I'm proud of you. Trust me, when this is over, you'll feel better.
You really think so? -I'm sure of it.
Ah, maybe you're right. Maybe I will feel better.
And if you're right about that karma stuff, I got a good thing coming to me.
Uh-oh. How much money did you put in the meter?
Oh, son of a bitch!
Hi, Mr. Crane. I'm Bree, Todd's manager.
I wanted to apologize for the trouble you had with our ATM.
And make sure that you got your $40. -What, uh, oh, no, no!
You don't need to give anything to me. The machine accidentally gave me
$60 instead of $20, so I need to give you $40.
So, you want to put this in your account? -No, no!
I want you to take it, plus this $40, and put it back wherever it came from.
Well, I'm afraid I've already done the paperwork. Now, you'll need to speak with our branch manager,
and he's out of town. -This is ridiculous!
I'm sorry. Although,
there is one other possibility. Let me try something.
Thank you. -Don't mention it.
Per-son-al.
Sandoval, four ounces. -Right.
Smoot, five ounces. -Right.
McBean, ten ounces. -Hmm, ten?
Yes, I know it's a lot, but he promised me the use of his Sonoma estate. -Yes, well, for 10 he should.
You know, for eight, the Ashworths gave me the use of their box on the opera's opening night gala.
But that's the same weekend as the black and white ball? When are we going to sleep?
Sleep is for people without social lives.
So, boys, where's my cut? -What are you talking about?
I promised her a cut, you see, I was so busy at work taking orders, I needed her help.
You know what it's really good on? Scrambled eggs.
And pizza. And potato skins! -Yes, Roz, welcome to caviar.
At work, during the show, I'm just sitting there thinking, "Two hours to caviar.
One hour to caviar." You don't have any on you do you?
Uh, no, no, we're expecting some momentarily. -Cool.
You think it'd be good on a cheese Danish?
I think it would. I'm getting one.
Gentlemen. -Oh, Petyr, hello!
Yes, hello, but I'm afraid also goodbye. -Hmm, what?
What-what do you mean, goodbye? -All these orders I fill for you, it draws too much attention.
It's too risky for me. -What-what are you saying, that there's no more caviar?
This is my last delivery. -But this isn't nearly enough!
We've made commitments to some very powerful people. If we disappoint them,
there's no telling what they might do! -They will break legs? Cut off thumbs?
Worse! There'll be gossip.
Petyr, please, just one more delivery! -I cannot, the danger is too great.
Petyr!
Dear God! We're ruined, Niles.
We owe people all over town. -I know.
Is some of that mine? Can I have it now? -Roz, Roz, I'm terribly sorry. It seems,
our supplier is going out of business, and every ounce of this is spoken for.
Well, that's too bad. Oh, well, whatever.
I was thinking of giving it up, anyway. Too much salt. -Yes, good girl.
All right, Niles, we can't panic. I think I may have a plan. -I like it.
We may have to bite the bullet and buy retail.
Petyr's stuff is much better quality. Our friends will notice the difference.
Not if we cut it with what's left of the good stuff. -Well, how much is there? -There's... Roz!!
This will cost us a fortune. -Well, what else can we do? Excuse me...
Do you happen to know where we can get ...five pounds of Beluga caviar?
There's not that much Beluga in all of Seattle. -Thank you.
What are we going to do? -All right, just give me a chance to think, Niles.
Ah... What was the name of the boat... -H.M.S. Bounty!
This isn't Trivial Pursuit. Let me finish!
What was the name of the boat
that Petyr said he sailed on? -Caspian Queen.
Right! Niles, if we can find that boat,
perhaps we can get enough caviar to solve our problem.
Roz? -Hey, what are you guys doing here?
I think the question is, what are you doing here? -You know, shopping, for stuff...
You're looking for more caviar, aren't you? -Of course I am! You took all mine!
That was ours! You know, Roz, I think you may have a little problem.
You're the one with the problem! Not me. This is all your fault.
You made me try it. Now I crave it! I really hate you!
Now, Roz,
you know you don't mean that.
Now, come on. Listen.
It's just possible that we may be able to get some more from our old supplier.
Is that true? Is he right? I'm sorry I said I hate you.
Roz, Roz, it's all right. -Are you going to get it today? I love you!
Hello? Oh, no I'm sorry. Frasier isn't here.
Sure you can place an order. Let me transfer you to that department.
Hi, Daph. -Hello.
The postman gave me your mail. -Oh, thanks.
You ready to get stretched? -Oh, you mean we're working out today?
We work out every day. -Yeah, I know.
Oh, postcard from the bank! Uh, "Dear Mr. Crane,
we apologize for the inconvenience. We have evaluated your request
and credited your account $80?!"
There's no spaces. I parked your car in a loading zone.
No, no, no, just pull around front and wait for me. This won't take long. -You're sure?
Yes. And you better get back to the car before Eddie starts to panic.
Hi! How can I help you make banking simpler?
I'll tell you how you can help me. I'm going to talk, and you're going to listen,
and you're going to do exactly as I ask.
I think I should go get a manager. -No, no managers!
Oh, but our policy is... -Now this is real simple and I know you can handle it.
Now what I want you to do is... -Hold it right there, Mister!!
Mr. Crane, as the president of the bank, I want to assure you that it is not our policy
to draw firearms on customers trying to make a deposit.
It wasn't a deposit.
Now, I'm sure that neither of us wants to turn this
into a protracted legal battle, so if you would simply sign
this non-disclosure agreement here,
here, here, and here...
Our attorneys have authorized me to compensate you for your troubles
in the amount of $10,000, which can be credited to your account.
Ten grand?! -Plus the $40 from our original mistake.
Oh, what the hell, I just want to get it over with.
That's wonderful. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
Could I open an account?
.
Ahoy?
Is anyone there?? -Who is there?
Oh, hello. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane,
and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Uh, we're interested in purchasing some Beluga caviar.
This is not a shop. I have nothing for sale. -See, let's go.
No, no, no, Niles, Niles. This is how the game is played.
Maybe he thinks we're Russian mafia.
Oh, yes, people make that mistake about us all the time.
Petyr gave us this card, and told us that this was his cousin's boat.
Are you sure you can't help us?
How much do you need?
Five pounds.
$80 an ounce.
Well, we were paying $40. -And now you pay 80.
50. -80.
60. -80.
I don't think you're doing this right.
70, that's my final offer! -80! -Done!
I want to taste it first.
Go ahead.
That's the stuff.
That's enough to take care of everyone and still go out on top.
Yes, all right, here's your money. Pleasure doing business with you.
Stop where you are! U.S. Customs!
Oh, my God! -Frasier, we have to get rid of it!
All right, we have to hide it! -No, Niles, you can't hide it! They're U.S. Customs.
That's what they do! They find things on ships!
All right. I know one way to get rid of it.
Can I get you a toast point?
Oh, here, for God's sakes.
What the hell's all this?
It's not ours. We found it.
What, the caviar? -Is that what this is?
Relax, we don't care about that. We're looking for a couple of Russians who've been smuggling DVDs.
My heart is pounding!
I was afraid we were going to get arrested.
What have we become? -I don't know.
We got caught up in a nefarious scheme. And for what?
A visit to a wine country estate?
A box at the opera?
Dinner at the governor's mansion?
How much of this do you think we can salvage? -I don't know, just start scraping.
(Based on Croatian subtitles by and the transcript from twiztv.com. Synced by Jim_diGriz)