1
00:00:03,660 --> 00:00:06,460
# Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

2
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:08,381
# Ferocious fights Daring knights

3
00:00:08,421 --> 00:00:11,381
# Horrors that defy description Cutthroat Celts

4
00:00:11,421 --> 00:00:14,221
# Vicious Vikings Punishment from ancient times

5
00:00:14,261 --> 00:00:16,741
# Roman rotten, rank and ruthless

6
00:00:16,781 --> 00:00:19,623
# Groovy Greeks Mean and measly Middle Ages

7
00:00:19,663 --> 00:00:22,063
# Gory stories - we do that

8
00:00:22,103 --> 00:00:24,943
# And your host - a talking rat

9
00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:27,623
# The past is no longer a mystery

10
00:00:27,663 --> 00:00:33,463
# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

11
00:00:38,984 --> 00:00:44,664
In Saxon Britain lots of men lived as monks. We had some very strict rules.

12
00:00:44,704 --> 00:00:48,626
For instance, we weren't allowed to speak during meals,

13
00:00:48,666 --> 00:00:51,345
so we developed our own sign language.

14
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,548
Brothers, brothers, I have urgent new...

15
00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:28,991
The gorillas are making clay pots.

16
00:01:34,111 --> 00:01:36,511
Ooh, uh,the gorillas are ringing the bells.

17
00:01:57,114 --> 00:02:00,954
The Vikings are attacking. Yes! Yes!

18
00:02:01,953 --> 00:02:04,274
By Odin's thunder!

19
00:02:15,596 --> 00:02:18,675
Ooh, are the gorillas ringing the bells?

20
00:02:18,715 --> 00:02:20,677
Arrrgh!

21
00:02:24,317 --> 00:02:29,757
Hello, I'm Brother Alfred and this is my new assistant, Brother Timothy.

22
00:02:29,797 --> 00:02:33,397
Today we're going to teach you how to write like a monk.

23
00:02:35,958 --> 00:02:38,758
Now you'll need something to write on,

24
00:02:38,798 --> 00:02:41,839
so first take one cute little fluffy lamb...

25
00:02:41,879 --> 00:02:43,639
BLEATING

26
00:02:43,679 --> 00:02:46,200
..and cut its throat.

27
00:02:52,279 --> 00:02:55,761
Remember, always ask your parents' permission

28
00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:58,840
before you brutally slaughter a pet lamb.

29
00:03:01,401 --> 00:03:03,441
Now you'll need a pen.

30
00:03:03,481 --> 00:03:08,242
Brother Timothy, go and fetch a goose feather.

31
00:03:08,282 --> 00:03:13,163
Remember, always ask the goose's permission before plucking a feather.

32
00:03:17,203 --> 00:03:20,203
Next, you need to cut off the skin from the lamb

33
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:22,563
and stretch it over a wooden frame.

34
00:03:27,925 --> 00:03:31,645
To make your pen, you simply trim off the feathers with a sharp knife,

35
00:03:31,685 --> 00:03:37,405
square off the end, make a slit up the shaft and there, perfect.

36
00:03:39,966 --> 00:03:43,367
So now you have a pen, something to write on.

37
00:03:43,407 --> 00:03:45,406
Now, you just need some ink

38
00:03:45,446 --> 00:03:49,406
and for that we're going to need some wasp's eggs.

39
00:03:50,847 --> 00:03:53,887
HE GRUMBLES

40
00:03:53,927 --> 00:03:59,168
You'll also need some vinegar, some gum for thickening...

41
00:03:59,208 --> 00:04:01,168
and some copper water for colour.

42
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,409
SCREAMING AND BUZZING

43
00:04:05,209 --> 00:04:08,369
Take the wasp's eggs and mix them all together.

44
00:04:09,930 --> 00:04:11,769
And now...

45
00:04:11,809 --> 00:04:15,930
we're ready for some fancy monk writing.

46
00:04:15,970 --> 00:04:17,810
Mmm...yeah. Oh.

47
00:04:19,610 --> 00:04:21,330
Oh, drat.

48
00:04:21,370 --> 00:04:23,771
We're going to have to do that all over again.

49
00:04:30,851 --> 00:04:34,412
Viewers may like to know that all the names in the following sketch

50
00:04:34,452 --> 00:04:36,053
are genuine Victorian names.

51
00:04:36,093 --> 00:04:37,173
Good day.

52
00:04:41,973 --> 00:04:43,133
Right, settle down.

53
00:04:45,014 --> 00:04:48,974
Mr Butler isn't here today, so I'll be taking the register.

54
00:04:49,014 --> 00:04:51,054
Uh, now I don't know any of you,

55
00:04:51,094 --> 00:04:53,775
so be sure to call out when you hear your name.

56
00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:56,255
Raspberry Lemon,

57
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:57,895
Lettuce Burger.

58
00:04:57,935 --> 00:05:00,096
Bovril.

59
00:05:00,136 --> 00:05:03,416
I'm sorry, I think I must have picked up a shopping list.

60
00:05:03,456 --> 00:05:05,456
No, Miss, those are children's names.

61
00:05:05,496 --> 00:05:07,736
They're not answering cos they're sick.

62
00:05:07,776 --> 00:05:09,777
Bovril and Raspberry?

63
00:05:09,816 --> 00:05:12,417
Honestly, Christian names have got really weird

64
00:05:12,457 --> 00:05:14,057
since Victoria became Queen.

65
00:05:14,097 --> 00:05:16,297
Well, OK, on with the register.

66
00:05:16,337 --> 00:05:19,378
On my way, Miss. Sit down, what are you talking about?

67
00:05:19,418 --> 00:05:22,178
You said, "OK, on with the register."

68
00:05:22,218 --> 00:05:24,578
I'm OK, OK Johnson.

69
00:05:24,618 --> 00:05:26,738
Well, OK, uh,

70
00:05:26,778 --> 00:05:30,058
unless I give permission, never get out of your seat.

71
00:05:30,098 --> 00:05:32,180
Yes, miss.Why are you standing up?

72
00:05:32,219 --> 00:05:36,100
You said, "Never get out of your seat," I'm Never, Never Rookrook.

73
00:05:36,140 --> 00:05:39,860
Has nobody got an ordinary name in this classroom? Yes?

74
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:42,221
Toilet.All right, be quick.

75
00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:44,341
No, that's my name.

76
00:05:44,381 --> 00:05:47,821
I think that's quite a normal name. My sister's called Baboon.

77
00:05:47,861 --> 00:05:50,422
Toilet and Baboon?

78
00:05:50,462 --> 00:05:52,222
Your parents must be evil.

79
00:05:52,262 --> 00:05:53,902
No, that's Evil over there.

80
00:05:55,702 --> 00:05:57,061
Yes?

81
00:05:57,102 --> 00:05:59,462
I've got an ordinary name, Miss, it's Susan.

82
00:05:59,502 --> 00:06:00,983
Ah, that's more like it.

83
00:06:01,023 --> 00:06:03,103
Susan Semolina Thrower.

84
00:06:03,143 --> 00:06:07,184
Right, let's just try and get through this, shall we?

85
00:06:07,224 --> 00:06:09,624
I'll say your names, you say here

86
00:06:09,664 --> 00:06:13,384
and uh, I'll try not to say your names accidentally. Happy?

87
00:06:13,424 --> 00:06:16,184
Yes, Miss? Don't tell me your name's Happy?

88
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:20,705
Right, register, here we go.

89
00:06:20,745 --> 00:06:22,585
Freezer Breezer. Here, Miss.

90
00:06:22,625 --> 00:06:24,985
Princess Cheese. Here, Miss.

91
00:06:25,025 --> 00:06:27,105
Minty Badger. Here, Miss.

92
00:06:27,145 --> 00:06:28,505
Scary Looker...

93
00:06:28,545 --> 00:06:32,306
No, I'm sorry, why would anybody call their child Scary Looker?

94
00:06:33,866 --> 00:06:34,867
Forget I asked.

95
00:06:34,906 --> 00:06:37,067
Now...

96
00:06:37,106 --> 00:06:39,108
I am...

97
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:41,348
Miss...

98
00:06:41,388 --> 00:06:43,668
Farting...

99
00:06:43,708 --> 00:06:44,748
Clack.

100
00:06:46,988 --> 00:06:50,628
Good morning Miss Farting Clack.

101
00:06:50,668 --> 00:06:53,029
CHILDREN GIGGLE

102
00:06:53,069 --> 00:06:57,229
Oh, hello there. Yes, those really were all real Victorian names.

103
00:06:57,268 --> 00:07:00,709
Minty Badger and Princess Cheese.

104
00:07:00,749 --> 00:07:04,590
Eh, it makes what celebrities call their children nowadays

105
00:07:04,631 --> 00:07:05,630
almost normal.

106
00:07:05,670 --> 00:07:06,710
Yeah, right!

107
00:07:07,711 --> 00:07:10,910
Our Queen, Victoria, had something of a weight problem.

108
00:07:10,950 --> 00:07:13,671
She was advised to do more walking but she refused.

109
00:07:13,711 --> 00:07:16,672
Victoria simply hated taking exercise.

110
00:07:18,671 --> 00:07:21,232
Do you want a body like Queen Victoria's?

111
00:07:21,272 --> 00:07:24,152
Do you want to be wider than you are tall?

112
00:07:24,192 --> 00:07:28,513
Then you need help, or The Queen Victoria workout.

113
00:07:28,553 --> 00:07:33,353
It's not easy staying in shape when you're a busy royal, so I don't.

114
00:07:33,394 --> 00:07:34,834
Let me show you how.

115
00:07:34,874 --> 00:07:40,074
And sit, and rule. And sit and rule.

116
00:07:40,114 --> 00:07:42,034
Wait for it.

117
00:07:42,074 --> 00:07:43,715
And rule some more.

118
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:48,036
That's right, sit and rule, like Queen Victoria did for 63 years.

119
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:51,676
Now, let's exercise those arms.

120
00:07:51,716 --> 00:07:56,236
And recreate Queen Victoria's mourning for her husband Albert.

121
00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:58,757
Don't forget to wear black.

122
00:07:58,797 --> 00:08:00,677
And...

123
00:08:00,717 --> 00:08:04,637
Mourn. And mourn. That's it.

124
00:08:04,677 --> 00:08:08,758
Keep going for the next 40 years.

125
00:08:08,798 --> 00:08:12,518
OK, time to try some dips.

126
00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:14,678
Watch out, Ma'am, he's an assassin.

127
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And dip.

128
00:08:16,479 --> 00:08:18,559
And dip again.

129
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,359
Yes, dip like Queen Vic.

130
00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:24,360
She survived seven attempts to assassinate her.

131
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,880
Phew, some real exercise.

132
00:08:27,919 --> 00:08:31,601
Now I'm exhausted and hungry.

133
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The Queen Victoria workout,

134
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learn the secrets of how the Queen stays out of shape.

135
00:08:37,361 --> 00:08:40,882
Yes, you too can have a body that only looks good in a black sack.

136
00:08:47,682 --> 00:08:51,763
We Romans had some horrible ways of entertaining ourselves,

137
00:08:51,803 --> 00:08:56,683
like watching gladiators fight against wild animals.

138
00:08:56,723 --> 00:08:57,964
People of Rome,

139
00:08:58,004 --> 00:09:03,084
welcome to the final day of Emperor Titus's 100 days of games.

140
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To mark the opening of the mighty Coliseum,

141
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:10,645
we've seen gladiators take on lions, tigers, buffalo, rhino,

142
00:09:10,685 --> 00:09:11,926
even crocodiles.

143
00:09:11,966 --> 00:09:15,125
What will they bring you today?

144
00:09:15,165 --> 00:09:18,046
Oh, just as long as it's not tiger, I hate tigers.

145
00:09:18,086 --> 00:09:19,287
Release the beasts.

146
00:09:19,327 --> 00:09:20,447
CHEERING

147
00:09:24,727 --> 00:09:28,406
Well, um, we've got a bit of a problem with today's show.

148
00:09:28,446 --> 00:09:30,847
We, we've run out of animals.

149
00:09:30,887 --> 00:09:33,689
What?Well, after 100 days of entertainment,

150
00:09:33,729 --> 00:09:35,368
they have all been slaughtered.

151
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,408
We've literally run out.

152
00:09:37,448 --> 00:09:39,489
So no lions?No.Tigers?No.

153
00:09:39,529 --> 00:09:41,169
Thank gods.

154
00:09:41,209 --> 00:09:44,329
We have found half a bear, but it's not much good at fighting.

155
00:09:44,369 --> 00:09:47,290
Elephants? Leopards? Hippos?

156
00:09:47,330 --> 00:09:50,890
No. Rome has plundered the whole of North Africa for wild animals

157
00:09:50,930 --> 00:09:53,170
and you gladiators have killed them all.

158
00:09:53,210 --> 00:09:55,290
There are none left.

159
00:09:55,330 --> 00:09:57,050
What's going on down there?

160
00:09:57,090 --> 00:10:00,371
Nothing. Won't be a second.

161
00:10:00,411 --> 00:10:02,852
Listen, the crowd are baying for blood.

162
00:10:02,892 --> 00:10:06,811
We'vegotta find an animal to slaughter, otherwise we're dead men.

163
00:10:06,851 --> 00:10:11,572
We'll have to fight one another. Well, there is one, I suppose.

164
00:10:24,534 --> 00:10:25,533
CHEERING

165
00:10:25,573 --> 00:10:27,455
A gerbil?

166
00:10:33,935 --> 00:10:35,695
That's 100% accu-rat.

167
00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:38,176
Well, except that little bit about the gerbil,

168
00:10:38,216 --> 00:10:39,496
which is just a bit silly.

169
00:10:39,536 --> 00:10:42,696
But the Romans really did run out of animals for their games.

170
00:10:42,736 --> 00:10:45,937
In fact, they took so many lions from North Africa,

171
00:10:45,977 --> 00:10:49,176
that there are no lions in North Africa to this day.

172
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:52,336
That's right, the rat knows all. Aha!

173
00:10:52,376 --> 00:10:55,777
One performance in the Roman arena featured elephants

174
00:10:55,817 --> 00:10:57,859
doing what with their trunks?

175
00:10:57,899 --> 00:10:58,898
Was it:

176
00:11:06,139 --> 00:11:07,699
The answer is...

177
00:11:07,740 --> 00:11:08,739
B.

178
00:11:08,779 --> 00:11:12,380
The elephants traced Latin words in the sand with their trunks.

179
00:11:14,661 --> 00:11:18,660
Of course, we Romans didn't just use animals for entertainment,

180
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:25,261
we also used them to execute people, in some very strange ways.

181
00:11:25,301 --> 00:11:27,821
Get your animals for execution here.

182
00:11:27,862 --> 00:11:31,223
All the animals you need for traditional Roman executions

183
00:11:31,263 --> 00:11:33,423
under one roof.

184
00:11:33,463 --> 00:11:35,062
Yes, sir?

185
00:11:35,102 --> 00:11:37,702
Yeah, hi, um, I'd like to buy 5,000 wasps.

186
00:11:37,742 --> 00:11:41,663
Ooh, we've had a bit of a run on wasps, very low on stock.

187
00:11:41,703 --> 00:11:44,904
Oh, dear. Um, do you have any other winged insect

188
00:11:44,943 --> 00:11:48,384
that can sting a man to death who's covered in honey?

189
00:11:48,424 --> 00:11:54,104
Not really. A bee could do it on a good day, but there's no guarantee.

190
00:11:54,144 --> 00:11:55,305
I've got this criminal

191
00:11:55,345 --> 00:11:58,266
and I'm supposed to get him stung to death by wasps.

192
00:11:58,306 --> 00:12:00,905
Well, have you considered sticking him in a sack

193
00:12:00,945 --> 00:12:02,666
with a wild dog and a lobster?

194
00:12:02,706 --> 00:12:05,306
The thing is we've already covered him in honey.

195
00:12:05,346 --> 00:12:06,626
Oh, yes, I see your point.

196
00:12:06,666 --> 00:12:09,547
Well, I do have a delivery of wasps coming in on Tuesday,

197
00:12:09,586 --> 00:12:10,866
if that's any good to ya.

198
00:12:10,906 --> 00:12:13,587
No, I really need him killed this side of the weekend.

199
00:12:13,627 --> 00:12:15,987
In which case, I think, honey or no honey,

200
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,547
your best bet is gonna be a dog and a lobster.

201
00:12:18,587 --> 00:12:20,228
Do you think it would do the job?

202
00:12:20,268 --> 00:12:23,428
Yeah, you'd usually tie up the sack and chuck it in a river,

203
00:12:23,468 --> 00:12:24,468
just to be sure.

204
00:12:24,508 --> 00:12:27,309
Seems a bit cruel to the dog. But the lobster loves it.

205
00:12:27,349 --> 00:12:31,029
And we're giving away a free sack with every dog-lobster combo,

206
00:12:31,069 --> 00:12:32,069
this week only.

207
00:12:32,109 --> 00:12:36,150
I dunno, the boss was quite specific about the whole wasp thing.

208
00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:39,670
I'll do you a good deal and uh, that's not the only combo, nah, no,

209
00:12:39,710 --> 00:12:42,150
dog and lobster's the most popular one,

210
00:12:42,190 --> 00:12:44,710
but I can do ya pig and octopus,

211
00:12:44,750 --> 00:12:50,712
badger and prawns, monkey with a stingray, camel and a goldfish.

212
00:12:50,752 --> 00:12:54,152
I wouldn't recommend camel and a goldfish, you need a massive sack

213
00:12:54,192 --> 00:12:55,872
and they don't do a good job.

214
00:12:55,912 --> 00:12:58,032
Mmm. D'you know what, thinking about it,

215
00:12:58,072 --> 00:13:00,553
I might just hit him over the head with a shovel.

216
00:13:00,593 --> 00:13:03,993
Yeah, that's probably best. Thanks, anyway.All right.

217
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,113
Right, come on you.

218
00:13:07,234 --> 00:13:10,474
Yes, mate? I'd like to make a complaint.

219
00:13:13,995 --> 00:13:15,874
HE LAUGHS

220
00:13:15,914 --> 00:13:18,916
OK, some of those weren't real execution methods,

221
00:13:18,955 --> 00:13:21,675
but they did sting people to death with wasps,

222
00:13:21,715 --> 00:13:24,675
and the Roman punishment for killing your father

223
00:13:24,715 --> 00:13:27,915
really was being tied up in a sack with an angry dog...

224
00:13:27,955 --> 00:13:30,235
and a lobster... and thrown into the river.

225
00:13:30,275 --> 00:13:32,716
Cor, what a way to go, eh?

226
00:13:32,756 --> 00:13:35,757
Heh. Nippy, but clean.

227
00:13:40,356 --> 00:13:42,597
Time again for our fairytale series,

228
00:13:42,637 --> 00:13:46,638
where the stories are retold in different historical settings.

229
00:13:46,678 --> 00:13:51,399
Today, The Ugly Duckling - the Middle Ages Version.

230
00:13:51,438 --> 00:13:56,599
And the Ugly Duckling was very sad because he was so very ugly.

231
00:13:56,639 --> 00:14:01,759
But then, one day, the Ugly Duckling looked at his reflection

232
00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:05,881
and found that he had grown into a beautiful swan.

233
00:14:05,921 --> 00:14:10,881
"Oh, happy day, I'm not ugly any more!" said the swan.

234
00:14:10,921 --> 00:14:13,681
Ha ha ha ha, you certainly aren't.

235
00:14:13,721 --> 00:14:17,321
Said the King, who happened to be passing that day.

236
00:14:17,361 --> 00:14:19,642
You're a beautiful swan.

237
00:14:19,682 --> 00:14:24,763
And the beautiful swan was very happy, until the King added...

238
00:14:24,803 --> 00:14:29,523
And you'll make an even more beautiful pie.

239
00:14:29,563 --> 00:14:33,524
Yes, the King killed the swan and ate him,

240
00:14:33,564 --> 00:14:37,004
because this was the Middle Ages and swan pie was a bit of a treat

241
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,644
for posh people in those days,

242
00:14:38,684 --> 00:14:44,124
and so the Ugly Duckling would've been better off staying ugly.

243
00:14:44,164 --> 00:14:45,485
The end.

244
00:14:45,525 --> 00:14:47,966
Did you know that in the late 1400s,

245
00:14:48,006 --> 00:14:49,966
King Henry VII passed a law

246
00:14:50,006 --> 00:14:53,446
saying that only royals could kill and eat swans?

247
00:14:53,486 --> 00:14:57,486
To this very day, the Queen owns all the swans in Britain,

248
00:14:57,526 --> 00:14:59,528
except for the ones in Orkney,

249
00:14:59,568 --> 00:15:04,087
where an old Viking law still states that they belong to everyone.

250
00:15:04,127 --> 00:15:07,328
Hmm, not just a pretty face, me, eh?

251
00:15:07,368 --> 00:15:11,408
And if you think eating roast swan is weird, wait till you find out

252
00:15:11,448 --> 00:15:15,249
what one posh bloke served up for his Middle Ages dinner party.

253
00:15:17,209 --> 00:15:19,249
Almost there.

254
00:15:19,289 --> 00:15:23,850
I tell you, if I ever have to look at another napkin again,

255
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,729
or another swan for that matter...

256
00:15:25,769 --> 00:15:30,530
Eh, look lively, here comes the boss. His Lordship, the Earl of Warwick.

257
00:15:30,570 --> 00:15:32,690
Right, I wish to see the Chief Cook

258
00:15:32,730 --> 00:15:35,251
or whichever peasant stinks the least.

259
00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:36,412
My Lord?

260
00:15:38,212 --> 00:15:39,651
Mmm, tolerable.

261
00:15:39,691 --> 00:15:42,411
I would ask your name, but I don't care.

262
00:15:42,451 --> 00:15:43,772
No, I simply came down here

263
00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:46,972
to check on the preparations for tonight's banquet.

264
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:49,612
It's not every day I get the chance to celebrate

265
00:15:49,652 --> 00:15:52,173
my brother being made Archbishop. No, my Lord.

266
00:15:52,213 --> 00:15:57,134
Which is why I've laid 60 cooks at your disposal, to create a feast,

267
00:15:57,174 --> 00:15:59,855
the likes of which the world has never seen.

268
00:15:59,895 --> 00:16:04,174
Yes, my Lord.After all, I need to set a good example.

269
00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:06,736
HE BURPS

270
00:16:06,776 --> 00:16:10,455
As requested, we've lovingly prepared 104 juicy oxen.

271
00:16:10,495 --> 00:16:13,496
Marvellous. I love a bit of nice, lean beef, don't you cook?

272
00:16:13,536 --> 00:16:14,616
I wouldn't know, sir,

273
00:16:14,656 --> 00:16:17,456
us peasants can't afford such pleasures.

274
00:16:17,496 --> 00:16:20,816
Well, if you'll insist on being poor. And what else?

275
00:16:20,856 --> 00:16:23,657
Um, 1,000 sizzling swine.

276
00:16:23,697 --> 00:16:27,177
1,000? Oh, better make it two, be on the safe side.

277
00:16:27,217 --> 00:16:30,057
Uh, an extra thousand swine, right you are, my Lord.

278
00:16:30,098 --> 00:16:32,218
Then we've 1,000 sheep, 13 desserts.

279
00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:33,418
13?!

280
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:36,738
Oh, well, excuse me, 13,000 desserts.

281
00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,418
Mmm.

282
00:16:38,458 --> 00:16:41,539
And uh, the vegetables? None at all, sir.

283
00:16:41,578 --> 00:16:45,018
Excellent. I don't want my guests thinking I eat like a peasant.

284
00:16:45,058 --> 00:16:48,220
Oh, no, sir, carrots and the like are for scum like me, sir.

285
00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:50,540
Yes, they are. Hmm-mmm.

286
00:16:50,580 --> 00:16:54,701
All right, go about your business, you grubby little commoner.

287
00:16:54,741 --> 00:16:56,380
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

288
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:58,261
Right, we need 1,000 extra swine.

289
00:16:58,301 --> 00:17:00,141
NO-O-O-O!

290
00:17:02,582 --> 00:17:06,062
Cancel the swans, I've changed my mind.

291
00:17:06,102 --> 00:17:08,902
Make 'em into the shape of crowns.

292
00:17:08,942 --> 00:17:12,143
Yes... Little crowns.

293
00:17:19,184 --> 00:17:20,743
SHE SOBS

294
00:17:20,783 --> 00:17:24,184
That's exactly what the Earl of Warwick served up to his guests

295
00:17:24,224 --> 00:17:26,265
when his brother became Archbishop.

296
00:17:26,305 --> 00:17:28,905
That's 100% accu-rat.

297
00:17:28,945 --> 00:17:31,905
Ha. Personally, I'm happy with the odd dead pigeon.

298
00:17:31,944 --> 00:17:32,945
HE GASPS

299
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,545
Darn rats.

300
00:17:34,585 --> 00:17:38,306
Which of these table manners was considered acceptable

301
00:17:38,346 --> 00:17:39,666
in the Middle Ages?

302
00:17:39,706 --> 00:17:40,867
Was it:

303
00:17:47,747 --> 00:17:49,667
The answer is...

304
00:17:49,707 --> 00:17:54,948
C. You could burp at the table, but not into people's faces.

305
00:17:59,669 --> 00:18:04,909
And now it's time to meet those ever- so-clever chaps, the brainy Greeks.

306
00:18:04,949 --> 00:18:08,709
Good evening, I'm Aristotle, ancient Greek philosopher.

307
00:18:08,749 --> 00:18:12,950
And I'm Archimedes, inventor, physicist, mathematician, engineer.

308
00:18:12,990 --> 00:18:14,470
And big head.

309
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:15,950
THEY LAUGH

310
00:19:22,118 --> 00:19:24,278
And now, from Ancient Greece,

311
00:19:24,318 --> 00:19:28,240
another brilliant invention, the First Play Ever.

312
00:19:29,279 --> 00:19:32,319
Greetings other person in this play.

313
00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:35,480
Greetings yourself.

314
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,520
CHEERING

315
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:40,720
'Two men stand still onstage and talk to each other for four hours.

316
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,120
'Yes, four hours!

317
00:19:43,161 --> 00:19:46,841
'With no action.

318
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:52,322
'No costumes, and no interval.

319
00:19:52,362 --> 00:19:55,642
'The First Play Ever, by Aeschylus.

320
00:19:55,682 --> 00:19:59,842
'In Greek amphitheatres in 474 BC.

321
00:19:59,882 --> 00:20:04,403
'I know it looks boring, but there's literally nothing else on.'

322
00:20:04,443 --> 00:20:07,284
HE SNORES

323
00:20:07,324 --> 00:20:11,604
Mmm, sorry. Hmm. Up to that point, going to the theatre

324
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,524
meant watching one man drivelling on for hours.

325
00:20:14,564 --> 00:20:19,165
Two men drivelling on for hours was a major breakthrough.

326
00:20:19,205 --> 00:20:20,965
HE SNORES

327
00:20:21,005 --> 00:20:23,125
That's right, and from then on

328
00:20:23,165 --> 00:20:26,605
Greek plays were either tragedies or comedies,

329
00:20:26,645 --> 00:20:31,446
which is funny because the way their inventor died was a bit of both.

330
00:20:33,807 --> 00:20:35,487
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

331
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:38,487
# They're funny cos they're true

332
00:20:38,527 --> 00:20:40,608
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

333
00:20:40,648 --> 00:20:43,327
# Hope next time it's not you. #

334
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,487
Ooh.

335
00:20:44,527 --> 00:20:46,448
Next.

336
00:20:46,488 --> 00:20:48,689
Ah, at last.

337
00:20:48,729 --> 00:20:50,769
Name?Aeschylus.

338
00:20:50,809 --> 00:20:53,408
Oh, year of death?

339
00:20:53,448 --> 00:20:55,649
458 BC.

340
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:59,009
Profession?Greek playwright.

341
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,090
I'll just put la-di-dah writer. Hmm.

342
00:21:01,130 --> 00:21:03,609
Method of death?

343
00:21:03,649 --> 00:21:06,930
Well, I was walking along, minding my own business.

344
00:21:06,970 --> 00:21:09,651
There was an eagle flying high in the sky above me,

345
00:21:09,691 --> 00:21:13,570
it had caught a tortoise and was looking for a rock to drop it upon.

346
00:21:13,610 --> 00:21:15,211
Eh?

347
00:21:15,251 --> 00:21:17,892
You know, to crack it open so it could eat it.

348
00:21:17,932 --> 00:21:20,092
Oh, I see, and?

349
00:21:20,132 --> 00:21:22,612
It saw my bald head shining in the sun.

350
00:21:22,652 --> 00:21:25,132
And mistook it for a rock?

351
00:21:25,172 --> 00:21:27,493
Yes. Splat.

352
00:21:27,533 --> 00:21:28,853
I was killed instantly.

353
00:21:28,893 --> 00:21:32,653
HE LAUGHS

354
00:21:32,693 --> 00:21:34,973
What, stone dead?

355
00:21:35,013 --> 00:21:37,133
HE LAUGHS

356
00:21:39,454 --> 00:21:40,654
You're dead funny.

357
00:21:41,774 --> 00:21:44,935
And what happened to the tortoise? Oh, it was fine.

358
00:21:45,976 --> 00:21:48,016
TURTLEY fine?

359
00:21:48,056 --> 00:21:49,776
HE LAUGHS

360
00:21:49,816 --> 00:21:52,136
Turtley fine.Very funny.

361
00:21:52,176 --> 00:21:53,416
It was a tortoise.

362
00:21:53,456 --> 00:21:55,176
It still works. No, it doesn't.

363
00:21:55,216 --> 00:21:57,617
Turtley fine - tortoise.

364
00:21:57,657 --> 00:21:59,857
It works. Get out.

365
00:21:59,897 --> 00:22:01,017
HE LAUGHS

366
00:22:01,057 --> 00:22:04,898
Did you hear my joke? It was very funny. Next.

367
00:22:04,938 --> 00:22:07,258
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

368
00:22:07,297 --> 00:22:09,938
# Hope next time it's not you. #

369
00:23:12,745 --> 00:23:15,905
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

370
00:23:20,706 --> 00:23:24,546
In World War II, lots of children were sent to the countryside

371
00:23:24,586 --> 00:23:26,027
to be safe from bombs,

372
00:23:26,067 --> 00:23:30,628
and to find a family to take them in, they needed to look their best.

373
00:23:37,869 --> 00:23:40,909
It's no good, dear, too late. All that's left are the dregs.

374
00:23:40,949 --> 00:23:43,069
Don't be mean. These poor little urchins

375
00:23:43,109 --> 00:23:46,989
have come from the city to escape Hitler's bombs.

376
00:23:47,029 --> 00:23:50,151
They've left their mothers and fathers behind,

377
00:23:50,191 --> 00:23:53,070
they need care, compassion and a roof over their heads.

378
00:23:53,110 --> 00:23:54,830
They need a good wash.

379
00:23:54,870 --> 00:23:57,471
I mean, look at this little fellow.

380
00:23:57,511 --> 00:24:00,511
Hello there, have you got a name?

381
00:24:00,551 --> 00:24:01,832
Got fleas.

382
00:24:01,872 --> 00:24:05,232
Urgh. Maybe you're right, dear,

383
00:24:05,272 --> 00:24:07,792
perhaps we should come back tomorrow.

384
00:24:07,832 --> 00:24:09,113
Mmm.

385
00:24:10,193 --> 00:24:13,032
Oh, why, thank you.

386
00:24:13,072 --> 00:24:15,433
Oh, Harold, look, she's perfect.

387
00:24:15,473 --> 00:24:19,393
We'll take this one, please. Come on.

388
00:24:20,753 --> 00:24:23,755
At last, I've been standing there for BLEEP ages.

389
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,915
Let's go BLEEP home.

390
00:24:25,955 --> 00:24:27,514
I'm BLEEP starving.

391
00:24:27,554 --> 00:24:30,476
On second thoughts, we'll take the fleabag.

392
00:24:35,154 --> 00:24:38,956
And life wasn't any easier for the children in Germany.

393
00:24:40,836 --> 00:24:44,596
Are you a German boy aged 10 to 14?

394
00:24:44,636 --> 00:24:46,956
Vant to learn how to tie knots,

395
00:24:46,996 --> 00:24:50,877
pitch a tent und sing songs around ze campfire?

396
00:24:50,917 --> 00:24:53,637
Vant to learn how to march?

397
00:24:53,677 --> 00:24:55,237
Fight und die in battle?

398
00:24:55,277 --> 00:24:56,278
Eh?

399
00:24:57,399 --> 00:24:59,838
So join the Hitler Youth today

400
00:24:59,878 --> 00:25:03,838
and be taught to despise anyone who isn't German.

401
00:25:03,879 --> 00:25:06,399
Everyone is signing up.

402
00:25:06,439 --> 00:25:09,600
Don't miss out, you must join today.

403
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,480
No, really, you MUST join.

404
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:13,600
It's compulsory.

405
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:17,600
Join up and get our Hitler Youth special offer.

406
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,961
Report your parents for listening to enemy radio today

407
00:25:21,001 --> 00:25:26,042
and we promise to have them locked up for years.

408
00:25:26,082 --> 00:25:29,961
Plus, get three posters of your favourite German celebrities.

409
00:25:30,001 --> 00:25:34,402
There's me, und there's me und there iz also me.

410
00:25:34,442 --> 00:25:36,523
Yes, join the Hitler Youth,

411
00:25:36,563 --> 00:25:39,483
and if you're lucky we'll run so short of troops

412
00:25:39,523 --> 00:25:43,563
we'll send you off to fight und get killed for the Fatherland.

413
00:25:43,603 --> 00:25:46,044
But I'm only 10.

414
00:25:46,084 --> 00:25:49,565
Talk to the hand coz the face ain't listening.

415
00:25:49,605 --> 00:25:56,005
The Hitler Youth, it is just like the Scouts, only evil.

416
00:25:57,245 --> 00:26:00,925
When the Allies stormed into Berlin at the end of World War II,

417
00:26:00,966 --> 00:26:05,566
most of the German soldiers they found were children or teenagers.

418
00:26:05,606 --> 00:26:09,607
They were forced to defend their capital or be shot for cowardice,

419
00:26:09,647 --> 00:26:13,247
and one anti-aircraft gun was manned entirely by teenage girls.

420
00:26:13,287 --> 00:26:15,727
It's horrible, but it's true.

421
00:26:15,766 --> 00:26:18,007
True or false?

422
00:26:18,047 --> 00:26:22,168
Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian and hated to see creatures suffer?

423
00:26:23,728 --> 00:26:24,808
It's...

424
00:26:24,848 --> 00:26:25,848
true.

425
00:26:25,888 --> 00:26:27,448
Amongst other things...

426
00:26:30,969 --> 00:26:35,089
When he knew he'd lost the war, Adolf Hitler, the Nazi leader,

427
00:26:35,130 --> 00:26:37,289
killed himself in his Berlin bunker.

428
00:26:38,850 --> 00:26:42,571
Hitler was dead, or was he?

429
00:26:42,611 --> 00:26:47,691
Well, obviously he was, but many believed Hitler had survived.

430
00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:51,291
After the war, there were hundreds of stories circulating

431
00:26:51,332 --> 00:26:53,012
about him being alive and...

432
00:26:53,052 --> 00:26:57,053
Well, here are the top three strangest Hitler rumours.

433
00:26:58,612 --> 00:27:03,413
Number three, he was living as a shepherd in Switzerland.

434
00:27:03,453 --> 00:27:06,774
All right, men, will you follow me?

435
00:27:06,814 --> 00:27:09,774
SHEEP BLEAT

436
00:27:09,814 --> 00:27:14,975
Goot. Right, I'm off to teach a goose how to march the goosestep.

437
00:27:16,015 --> 00:27:20,735
Number two, he was working as a fisherman in Ireland.

438
00:27:21,736 --> 00:27:23,616
Are you coming, Sean?

439
00:27:23,656 --> 00:27:26,176
I'll be with you in a second, Patrick, begorra.

440
00:27:26,216 --> 00:27:28,976
I just need to trim the old moustache.

441
00:27:31,896 --> 00:27:36,416
And number one, he was living in an underground hideout in Sweden,

442
00:27:36,456 --> 00:27:39,977
with enough tinned food to last for years.

443
00:27:40,018 --> 00:27:43,578
Unfortunately for me, it's all baked beans.

444
00:27:43,618 --> 00:27:44,657
HE BREAKS WIND

445
00:27:44,698 --> 00:27:48,858
Urgh, phewph, I wish I WAS dead.

446
00:27:48,898 --> 00:27:52,259
# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

447
00:27:52,299 --> 00:27:54,499
# No glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

448
00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:59,220
# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel Stuff they don't teach you at school

449
00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:02,620
# The past is no longer a mystery

450
00:28:02,660 --> 00:28:04,780
# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

