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kids, back in 2007, it seems like everyone belonged to

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these silly things called gyms.

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The idea was you'd pay them lots of money

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to run around and lift heavy things.

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biggest rip-off in the world

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and yet people fell for it.

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including me.

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oh, forgot my wallet

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it started with one of those moments

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when you realize you're not as in shape

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as you want to be.

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ah, it's further than it looks.

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aw, coupon's on my dresser.

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that's too far. forget it.

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Please don't judge me.

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I winded up with shame eating the whole pizza.

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I woke up all greasy and sweaty.

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my sheets looked like what they wrap deli sandwiches in.

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maybe I should join a gym.

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you go to a gym?

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Well, I go to Total Rib Fitness, but I don't work out there.

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What do you do?

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I invest.

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There goes one of my ivestment now.

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cheryl, hard work's pay it off.

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Keep up the good work.

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So your investments are women?

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Yeah

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Women who, how shall put this delicately

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They fat.

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So, I come here,

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give them lots of attention now.

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Then when they get hot, who's the first guy they run to?

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The one who invested in them when they weren't

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Wow, I can't decide if I'm thoroughly disgusted

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or really, really impressed

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of courese, not all investments pay dividends.

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see the girl over there vending machine-- toya.

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she is one kit kat away from junk bond status.

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hey,barney.

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becky, elliptical machine's

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really working for you. nice stuff.

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that one's going to reward shareholders soon.

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i forsee aggressive growth in my future.

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what up?

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wow,that makes me want to join a gym.

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so i can get super strong

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and punch you really hard in the face.

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yes, we should all do it.

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yeah, let's all punch barney in the face.

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no, I'm serious.

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We should totally join a gym.

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come on,we put on

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under beer weight together--

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we might take it off together.

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or we could just stop drinking beer.

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no. i say we join a gym.

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-are you marshall?  -yeah.

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hi, i'm tresh.

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I'm the trainer you signed up for.

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oh,hi.

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really great

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to meet you, tresh.

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it's a pleasure.

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marshall, can i talk to you for a second?

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-sure. -great

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just a second

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ah, sweetie, i think

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she maybe just a little too hot to be your trainer.

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I get it.

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i mean, i see what you're worried about.

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but this just about me taking care of myself.

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you'll always be my sugar.

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so,Marsll, are you ready

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to make a commitment to your body?

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pssh! please, i'm all about committing to my body.

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i'll drive to Vermont and have a commitment ceremony

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to my body if you want.

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that was a weird thing to say.

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all right. start with 100 push-ups.

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-all right,cool. how many do you want me do? -100.

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oh,i thought that was a figure of speech--100 push-ups,

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like do a bazillion push-ups.

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no one can do 100.

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do you smell that?

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no.

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it smells like there's a little bitch in my gym.

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are you being a little bitch in my gym?

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no.

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then get on the floor and give me 100!

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you don't have to yell at me.

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i love it here.

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It's just normal women who want to get in shape.

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i don't have to put on makeup,do my hair,

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wear some trendy outfit.

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yeah,this place is great

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we're meeting our friend Robin here.

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i hope you don't hate her. she's pretty hot.

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shut up.

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lily,tell him to shut up.

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i'm sorry, lesbian prison guard, do we know each other?

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ted, lily, you'll never believe what just happened.

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oh, hey, dude, i'm barney

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so i was at the oothie bar...

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what can i get you?

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oh, my god, Rhonda?

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it's Barney.

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barney stinson from statensland boulevard.

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hey,barney stinson from  stateniand boulevard.

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what can I get you?

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i can't believe she didn't remember me.

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why? who is she?

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that's Rhonda

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i lost my virginity to her.

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baby,are you still sore?

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tresh made me do 70 push-ups,

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but she only gave me credit for ten.

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then she had me do 100 sit-ups

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and then she made me cry, using only her words.

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it just doesn't add up.

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how could Rhonda not remember me?

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well,maybe it wasn't that good for her.

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i mean,it was your first time.

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Ted, it's me.

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i rocked her world.

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you don't believe me? okay,story time.

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the year was 1998.

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i'd been going out with shannon since freshman year of college.

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we were saving ourselves.

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so when  broke up

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there i was, 23 and still a virgin.

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i knew nothing about girls.

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so i wento the guy

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who knew everything about girls-- my brother james.

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wait,your gay brother james?

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yeah,this was before he was gay.

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barney...

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barney,you need to find a girl

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and have sex with her asap.

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that is what dudes do after a breakup.

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i know i want to,but... i guess i'm just scared.

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of course you're scared.

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it's gross.

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the thought of doing that with a woman.

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but it part of being a guy.

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try thinking  about baseball.

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somehow i imagine those players on the field

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and it's over a lot faster.

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but i don't know the first thing about seducing a woman.

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what do you...? how do you...?

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where do you...?

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stop. don't overthink it.

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you don't want to get the yips.

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the yips?

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yeah,when you overthink simple things so much

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that you can't do them at all.

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the yips

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yeah,it happens to athletes all the time.

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like the second baseman who suddenly can't throw to the first

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or the figure skater who does a perfect triple toe loop

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and then loses it on the arabesq.

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i've actually really been getting into

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figure skating lately.

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but james...

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what woman's gonna have sex with me?

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it not like i'm a backsreet boy

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the man maker.

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rhonda man maker french

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was our mom's friend from down the street.

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got any kings?

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go fish.

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so,patty,know that new paperboy?

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i let him throw one into my hedges,if you know what i mean.

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did you see at new guy who cleans my pool?

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i let him snake my drain,  if you know what i mean.

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you know that chinese food delivery boy?

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i had sex with him.

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i don't have a funny way of saying it yet.

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it just happened 20 minutes ago.

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of course.

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the man maker

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and 'll be easier too,

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'cause she knows me so well.

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hi,barry.

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barney.

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hi,ms. french.

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i know we haven't seen each other for a while,

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but if there was any chance...

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oh,boy.

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wow,you just rocked my world.

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that was the best sex i ever had.

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that was the night i was born.

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i rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom

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and strode into the world,

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armani clad

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and fully awesome.

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god,please let me stop!

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yes,great,let's stop.

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let's just kick back and wait for the massive coronary

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you're going to have, a couple years from now when you're 40.

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i'm... i'm 29.

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50 more!

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hi,sweetie.

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i got a trainer,too.

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this is max.

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we're going to focus on flexibity.

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yeah,i'm gonna stretch her out.

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great. wait,what?

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50 more,now!

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ok,well,that's not cool.

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you know,rhonda,

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running into you

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real got me thinking about the d days

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you were quite popular.

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i sure got around back then.

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and there was one young man who stood out above the pack.

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freddy shiba tony

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that kid had a tongue like a gecko.

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no,no,i was thinking about someone else.

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chaz aldman.

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hips like a woman, but he knew how to use them.

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what about me?!

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you?

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yes we slept together.

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and you said i was the best you ever had.

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did i?

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right.

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about that...

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and then him that

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he's the best you ever had.

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oh,i don't know.

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he's jusa kid.

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no he isn't. he's 23 and he is really huing,rhonda..

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please.

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maybe we could make a deal.

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what?

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i dot know...

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no,girl,i got a girlfriend.

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ye,yeah,ah,hers is the only vagina for me.

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oh... i love it.

241
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it... it isn't scary at all.

242
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well,too bad.

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i guess your broer's going to stay a virgin.

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fine.

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reggie jackson, reggie jackson,

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reggie jackson...

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but those compliments you gave me.

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you just rocked my world.

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that was the best sex i ever had.

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but you said i rocked your world.

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all subseqnt

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worlds that i rocked

253
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were only so rocked because of the confidence I earned

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from you said first world rocking.

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sorry barry.

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it's barney.

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so i'm doing sit-ups

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and she says,"all right,marshall,

259
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just one more set."

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so i summon all my strenght and do that set,

261
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and then she says,

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"give me another set."

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so i'm like,"is this the last set?"

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and she says yes.

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so i do that set and then she says,

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"give me another set."

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she lied to my fece!

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everything hurts.

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baby,the whole point of working out

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is to feel better.

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this trainer is making you miserable.

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you have to call her and quit

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i got to work through it.i got  finish what i started.

274
00:10:58,470 --> 00:10:59,970
if you're too scar,i can call her.

275
00:10:59,970 --> 00:11:01,440
her number's on this card.

276
00:11:03,940 --> 00:11:05,340
hi. is this trish?

277
00:11:06,010 --> 00:11:07,610
this is marshall wife.

278
00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:10,920
listen we have a problem here.and it's you.

279
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:11,880
i don't know

280
00:11:11,950 --> 00:11:13,720
who the hell you think you are,

281
00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:16,920
but from now on you don't tell marshall what to do.

282
00:11:16,990 --> 00:11:18,760
you are an employee.

283
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,030
we tell you what to do.

284
00:11:21,030 --> 00:11:23,430
and i'm tellin you.you're fired,bitch.

285
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,840
okay,bye.

286
00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:30,100
you'd better get down there,baby.

287
00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:31,540
she's pretty pissed.

288
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:32,670
hey,buddy.

289
00:11:32,710 --> 00:11:35,010
still bummed about the whole rhonda thing?

290
00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:39,280
no. why would i let the proval of one woman define who i am?

291
00:11:39,850 --> 00:11:41,110
that's very mature of you,barney.

292
00:11:41,110 --> 00:11:42,010
let him finish.

293
00:11:42,010 --> 00:11:45,120
when i can let the approval of a aggle of supermodels

294
00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:47,290
define who i am. what? what?

295
00:11:47,350 --> 00:11:49,660
three tickets to the after party

296
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,990
of the victoria's secret fashion show?

297
00:11:52,060 --> 00:11:53,360
uh,kap ammie!

298
00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:55,460
lily,um,could i go?

299
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,730
go. you're too sored to do anything anyway.

300
00:12:11,010 --> 00:12:14,650
okay,this,boys,is not a regula season game.

301
00:12:14,710 --> 00:12:17,680
this is the world serious

302
00:12:17,750 --> 00:12:21,450
so remember,we work together.we're a team.

303
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:24,460
and if anyone sees Heidi Klum- dibs.

304
00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:28,060
target acqred.dig deep

305
00:12:29,630 --> 00:12:30,500
excuse me. excuse me.

306
00:12:31,530 --> 00:12:34,130
hey,it's a nice party,huh?

307
00:12:34,130 --> 00:12:35,370
yeah,that's great

308
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,300
do you guys work for the company

309
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,610
yeah,it's called

310
00:12:39,670 --> 00:12:42,810
"i'm gonna get in your panties,incorporated."

311
00:12:43,340 --> 00:12:44,180
gross!

312
00:12:47,010 --> 00:12:48,410
dude!

313
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,820
i don't know.that was terrible.

314
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,150
i am so sorry.

315
00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:53,850
wait a minute it's ok.it's okay. it's fine.

316
00:12:53,850 --> 00:12:55,290
it is a numbers game.i'm cool

317
00:12:55,690 --> 00:12:57,960
model... model.

318
00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:01,460
i know,right?

319
00:13:02,530 --> 00:13:05,400
this party is legend.wait for it...

320
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,640
uh,how long do we have to wait for it?

321
00:13:14,510 --> 00:13:17,880
i think he's having a stroke.

322
00:13:20,510 --> 00:13:22,320
-what's the matter with me?  -i don't know.

323
00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:25,280
wait,wait,wait you don't think i have the yip do ya?

324
00:13:25,350 --> 00:13:27,250
no no,no,relax.

325
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:28,620
there's Alessandra Ambrosio.

326
00:13:28,690 --> 00:13:30,720
english is her second language.

327
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,330
even if you screw up,she'll never know.

328
00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:33,030
come on.

329
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:40,100
those are very nice honkers.

330
00:13:41,770 --> 00:13:44,440
honkers?i don't know this word.

331
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:45,710
do you want to go dance?

332
00:13:47,140 --> 00:13:48,410
i'm talking about those things

333
00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:57,680
oh,no,i can't have the yips. i can't have the yips,

334
00:13:57,750 --> 00:13:58,520
no here. no now.

335
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,090
this is me.it's barney,barney!

336
00:14:01,450 --> 00:14:02,660
heid klum!

337
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,760
this is perfect.i can do this

338
00:14:06,590 --> 00:14:08,090
but thanks for coming.

339
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,960
thanks for coming.heidi klum,i'm barney.

340
00:14:10,030 --> 00:14:11,730
hi,barny.nice to meet you.

341
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,830
good body,good body,good body,good body

342
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,440
is he okay

343
00:14:19,470 --> 00:14:21,040
uh,he has the yips.

344
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,940
hasn't been able to hit on a woman all night.

345
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:23,910
he has the yips?

346
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:26,550
ooh,that's bad.

347
00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:30,550
you know in germany,we call this (speaks germany phra).

348
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:33,190
wh,that is bad.

349
00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:34,490
i don't know what's happened to me.

350
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:36,520
i've,i' totally lost my confidenece.

351
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,390
barney,maybe you have to open up to somebody.

352
00:14:41,490 --> 00:14:43,200
maybe you have to open up to some...

353
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:46,600
he just found out at the woman lost his virginity to

354
00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:48,770
only did it because his brother bribed her.

355
00:14:49,170 --> 00:14:50,770
oh,that a rough one.

356
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,840
i mean the only thing i can think of

357
00:14:53,940 --> 00:14:57,580
to get rid of(speaks gean phras

358
00:14:57,610 --> 00:15:00,410
is you have to go out there.

359
00:15:00,810 --> 00:15:03,080
and you need to find that woman

360
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,650
and you need to earn it with her for real.

361
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,950
That is the only way how you can find yourself.

362
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:12,830
I see little hamburgers!

363
00:15:12,890 --> 00:15:15,900
i love little hamburgers.

364
00:15:16,030 --> 00:15:17,260
Aufwiedersehen.

365
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:20,900
I just made out with Heidilum.

366
00:15:20,970 --> 00:15:22,170
What?

367
00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:26,510
Ted,just... okay?

368
00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:31,680
Come in.

369
00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:33,510
Hi,Rhonda.

370
00:15:33,580 --> 00:15:36,450
Hi,kiddo. Surprised to see you here.

371
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:41,590
So,hey,uh,maybe,how about sex?

372
00:15:41,620 --> 00:15:43,620
Let's sex.

373
00:15:43,690 --> 00:15:46,430
What are you talking about? I'm watching Wheel of Fortune.

374
00:15:46,490 --> 00:15:49,430
You can keep watching. I'll face you toward the TV.

375
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,360
That's a cute idea,kid.

376
00:15:51,430 --> 00:15:52,330
Great.

377
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,370
No,I'm not having sex with you.

378
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:55,440
Sit down a minute.

379
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:58,140
I'm not the Man Maker anymore

380
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,570
You know what?

381
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,710
About five years ago,

382
00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:04,440
I realized there was an emptiness inside of me

383
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:07,080
that no amount of meaningless sex could fill.

384
00:16:07,150 --> 00:16:08,750
I needed something more.

385
00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:12,520
And that's when I discovered Indian casinos.

386
00:16:14,690 --> 00:16:17,820
Hey,Barney,

387
00:16:17,890 --> 00:16:20,430
it's weird not seeing you in a suit. What's going on?

388
00:16:20,490 --> 00:16:24,160
Uh,not much. My entire sexual history

389
00:16:24,230 --> 00:16:27,770
was built on a rotting foundation of lies.

390
00:16:27,830 --> 00:16:31,600
My whole identity is lost in a pit of menthol ashes.

391
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:33,670
Work is good

392
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:40,550
I'm never going back to that gym again.

393
00:16:42,220 --> 00:16:43,880
today at work, I had to have an intern

394
00:16:43,950 --> 00:16:46,920
rip up my bagel and put little pieces in my mouth.

395
00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:49,560
Yeah,I'm done there,to

396
00:16:49,620 --> 00:16:50,890
That place is horrible.

397
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,090
what about your big muscular trainer

398
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,400
who's so into stretching you out?

399
00:16:55,460 --> 00:16:57,260
Yeah,well,turns out

400
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:02,140
that guy had no affiliation with the gym whatsoever.

401
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,900
Come on,guys,don't give up on the gym.

402
00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:05,970
It's been great for us.

403
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:09,480
Like today Robin and I had a really nice moment.

404
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,830
Robin,hey, I just wanted

405
00:17:25,890 --> 00:17:28,490
to come over and thank you.

406
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,330
Thank me for what?

407
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,130
Well,you know how it's hard for exes to friends

408
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,540
because there's this lingering sexual tension between them?

409
00:17:36,570 --> 00:17:38,500
Gone. Thank you.

410
00:17:41,670 --> 00:17:43,080
You know,for all the crap you' given me

411
00:17:43,140 --> 00:17:45,950
I haven't seen you work up a sweat there once.

412
00:17:46,010 --> 00:17:47,280
It's not true.I was there today.

413
00:17:47,380 --> 00:17:48,410
Yeah,but didn't you leave early

414
00:17:54,350 --> 00:17:57,460
Oh,great

415
00:17:57,590 --> 00:18:00,830
now I gotta go home and charge this

416
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:03,500
Wait a minute.

417
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,930
You didn't work out Tuesday either.

418
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,470
Brought the wrong shorts.

419
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,070
Yeah,and you totally disaeared on Monday,too.

420
00:18:13,140 --> 00:18:16,110
No,I was at the gym the whole time.

421
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:20,250
Ooh! Oh,I love this gym.

422
00:18:20,310 --> 00:18:24,650
Lily,help me bend down these three fingers.

423
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,890
Actually,I have an idea.

424
00:18:27,020 --> 00:18:30,520
Do it! Come on! Do it,you worthless piece of crap!

425
00:18:30,590 --> 00:18:32,790
Please! Please,I just want to go home.

426
00:18:32,830 --> 00:18:34,490
Come on.This is your last set!

427
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,500
You said that last time!

428
00:18:39,930 --> 00:18:43,040
Gone.

429
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:51,910
Rhonda.

430
00:18:51,940 --> 00:18:54,580
I saw your friend Ted at the gym.

431
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,520
After he puked and cleared the line at the smothie bar,

432
00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:01,420
he said you were kinda having a tough time.

433
00:19:02,790 --> 00:19:06,490
Did you change your mind about having love,making sex,

434
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,690
penis vagina?

435
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:09,630
What is the matter with me?

436
00:19:09,730 --> 00:19:10,460
Oh,honey...

437
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:11,460
I just,I don't get it.

438
00:19:11,530 --> 00:19:13,030
You slept with so many guys.

439
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:15,370
You slept with my brother.

440
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,170
We are practically the same person.

441
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,070
Was I really so bad?

442
00:19:19,140 --> 00:19:22,140
Nobody's good the first time.

443
00:19:22,210 --> 00:19:26,410
But I was. At least I thought I was.

444
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:30,450
Oh,Barney,you know what,sex isn't everything.

445
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,290
When is the last time you had a convsation

446
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,460
with woman with no intenon of score in with her?

447
00:19:39,730 --> 00:19:41,360
I sat next to former Secretary of The State

448
00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:43,960
Madelee Albright at a benefit once.

449
00:19:44,030 --> 00:19:47,900
I certainly did't intend to hit that.

450
00:19:47,970 --> 00:19:50,470
Yeah,well,I'll tell you what.

451
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,970
Sleeping with me again isn't gonna solve anything.

452
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:56,510
I don't know what else is.

453
00:19:58,850 --> 00:20:00,410
I think I know.

454
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,780
Do you have any kings?

455
00:20:02,850 --> 00:20:04,420
No,go fish.

456
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,950
See,Barney,isn't it nice to just sit

457
00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:11,060
and have a evening with a woman,no agenda?

458
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:13,490
Just make nice conversation?

459
00:20:16,230 --> 00:20:17,430
No.

460
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,270
Yeah,kinda sucks, doesn't it?

461
00:20:19,330 --> 00:20:25,610
Oh,my God,Barney, you really did just rock my world.

462
00:20:25,670 --> 00:20:27,640
That was amazing.

463
00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:29,480
And I'not lying.

464
00:20:29,540 --> 00:20:31,610
I know you're not lying,baby.

465
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,880
And it was good for you?

466
00:20:32,950 --> 00:20:37,080
It was the best sex I've ever had.

467
00:20:37,150 --> 00:20:39,290
Later.

468
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,560
Daddy's back.

469
00:20:49,090 --> 00:20:50,900
Hey,buddy, how's it going?

470
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:51,760
Hey. Pretty good.

471
00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:53,570
Pretty good. Ooh!

472
00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:57,600
I can move my legs now and can lift my arms this high.

473
00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:01,470
Yeah,you know,I feel like I have more energy.

474
00:21:01,540 --> 00:21:04,340
Ye,it was hard at first but now if I go a day

475
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,510
without working out,I miss it.

476
00:21:06,950 --> 00:21:08,450
I'm proud of us,guys.

477
00:21:08,510 --> 00:21:09,680
The first week is the hardest.

478
00:21:09,750 --> 00:21:11,150
We're over the hump.

479
00:21:11,250 --> 00:21:13,420
Joining that gym was the best decision we ever made.

480
00:21:13,490 --> 00:21:15,020
And we never went back to the gym again.