1
00:00:00,410 --> 00:00:02,510
Kids, back to 2007,
2
00:00:02,410 --> 00:00:05,910
it seems like everyone belonged
to these silly things called gyms.
3
00:00:06,010 --> 00:00:09,910
The idea was you'd pay them lots of money
to run around and lift heavy things.
4
00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:12,810
Biggest rip-off in the world.
And yet people fell for it.
5
00:00:12,910 --> 00:00:13,810
Including me.
6
00:00:14,010 --> 00:00:15,810
Oh, hum, forgot my wallet.
7
00:00:16,910 --> 00:00:18,510
It started with one
of those moments
8
00:00:18,610 --> 00:00:20,810
when you realize you're not
as in shape as you want to be.
9
00:00:24,210 --> 00:00:26,110
That's further than
it looks.
10
00:00:27,010 --> 00:00:28,810
Coupon's on my dresser.
11
00:00:29,210 --> 00:00:31,110
That's too far.
Forget it.
12
00:00:32,210 --> 00:00:33,510
Please don't judge me.
13
00:00:34,710 --> 00:00:37,010
I wound up shame-eating
the whole pizza.
14
00:00:37,410 --> 00:00:39,810
I woke up all greasy
and sweaty.
15
00:00:39,910 --> 00:00:42,910
My sheets looked like what they
wrap deli sandwiches in.
16
00:00:44,410 --> 00:00:45,810
Maybe I should join a gym.
17
00:00:45,810 --> 00:00:46,910
Do you go to a gym?
18
00:00:47,110 --> 00:00:49,910
Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness,
but I don't work out there.
19
00:00:50,010 --> 00:00:51,010
What do you do?
20
00:00:51,210 --> 00:00:52,710
I invest.
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00:00:53,110 --> 00:00:54,910
There goes one
of my investments now.
22
00:00:55,010 --> 00:00:58,410
Cheryl, hard work's paying off.
Keep up the good work.
23
00:00:59,010 --> 00:01:02,510
So your investments...
are women?
24
00:01:02,810 --> 00:01:06,510
Women who, how shall
I put this delicately?
25
00:01:06,810 --> 00:01:07,910
They fat.
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00:01:08,810 --> 00:01:11,610
So, I come here,
give them lots of attention now.
27
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Then when they get hot,
who's the first guy they run to?
28
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The one who invested in them
when they weren't.
29
00:01:18,010 --> 00:01:21,710
Wow, I can't decide if I'm thoroughly
disgusted or really, really impressed.
30
00:01:22,410 --> 00:01:24,810
Of course, not all
investments pay dividends.
31
00:01:24,810 --> 00:01:27,610
See the girl over there at the
vending machine, Tonya.
32
00:01:27,910 --> 00:01:30,710
She is one Kit Kat away
from junk bond status.
33
00:01:31,810 --> 00:01:33,010
Hey, Barney.
34
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:36,810
Becky, elliptical machine's
really working for you. Nice stuff.
35
00:01:37,910 --> 00:01:41,110
That one's going to reward
shareholders soon.
36
00:01:41,410 --> 00:01:44,410
I foresee aggressive
growth in my future.
37
00:01:44,510 --> 00:01:45,510
What up?
38
00:01:47,010 --> 00:01:49,010
Wow, that makes me
want to join a gym.
39
00:01:49,010 --> 00:01:53,010
So I can get super strong and
punch you really hard in the face.
40
00:01:53,510 --> 00:01:55,410
Yes, we should all do it.
41
00:01:55,410 --> 00:01:57,710
Yeah, let's all punch
Barney in the face.
44
00:02:03,410 --> 00:02:04,710
we might as well
take it off together.
45
00:02:04,810 --> 00:02:06,910
Or we could just
stop drinking beer.
46
00:02:08,110 --> 00:02:10,110
- No.
- I say we join a gym.
47
00:02:11,410 --> 00:02:12,410
Are you Marshall?
48
00:02:12,910 --> 00:02:15,110
Hi, I'm Trish. I'm the trainer
you signed up for.
49
00:02:15,210 --> 00:02:16,510
Oh, hi.
50
00:02:17,210 --> 00:02:18,910
Really great
to meet you, Trish.
51
00:02:19,310 --> 00:02:23,410
It's a pleasure. Marshall, can I talk
to you for a second?
52
00:02:27,510 --> 00:02:29,510
Yeah, sweetie, I think she is...
53
00:02:29,610 --> 00:02:32,310
may be just a little too hot
to be your trainer.
54
00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:33,610
I get it.
55
00:02:33,710 --> 00:02:36,510
I mean, I see what
you're worried about.
56
00:02:36,810 --> 00:02:39,610
But this is just about me
taking care of myself.
57
00:02:39,710 --> 00:02:41,510
You'll always be my sugar.
58
00:02:43,010 --> 00:02:45,910
So, Marshall, are you ready
to make a commitment to your body?
59
00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:48,710
Please, I'm all about
committing to my body.
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00:02:48,810 --> 00:02:52,210
I'll drive to Vermont and have a commitment
ceremony to my body if you want.
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00:02:52,310 --> 00:02:53,910
That was a weird thing to say.
62
00:02:54,610 --> 00:02:55,510
All right.
63
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,010
Start with 100 push-ups.
64
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:58,410
All right, cool.
How many do you want me to do?
65
00:02:58,510 --> 00:02:59,410
A hundred.
66
00:03:00,610 --> 00:03:03,010
Oh, I thought that was a figure
of speech, 100 push-ups, like,
67
00:03:03,110 --> 00:03:05,910
do a bazillion push-ups.
No one can do 100.
68
00:03:07,610 --> 00:03:09,410
- Do you smell that?
- No.
69
00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:11,510
It smells like there's
a little bitch in my gym.
70
00:03:12,410 --> 00:03:14,310
Are you being a little bitch
in my gym?
71
00:03:14,710 --> 00:03:15,410
No.
72
00:03:15,510 --> 00:03:17,510
Then get on the floor
and give me 100!
73
00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:19,710
You don't have to yell at me.
74
00:03:20,610 --> 00:03:21,810
I love it here.
75
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:24,010
It's just normal women
who want to get in shape.
76
00:03:24,110 --> 00:03:29,010
I don't have to put on makeup,
do my hair, wear some trendy outfit.
77
00:03:29,110 --> 00:03:32,510
Yeah, this place is great.
We're meeting our friend Robin here.
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00:03:32,610 --> 00:03:34,110
I hope you don't hate her.
She's pretty hot.
79
00:03:34,210 --> 00:03:35,610
Shut up.
80
00:03:35,710 --> 00:03:37,110
Lily, tell him to shut up.
81
00:03:37,110 --> 00:03:40,010
I'm sorry, lesbian prison guard,
do we know each other?
82
00:03:41,110 --> 00:03:43,610
Ted, Lily, you'll never believe
what just happened.
83
00:03:43,910 --> 00:03:45,310
Oh, hey, dude, I'm Barney.
84
00:03:46,610 --> 00:03:48,710
So I was at the smoothie bar...
85
00:03:49,510 --> 00:03:50,910
What can I get you?
86
00:03:52,110 --> 00:03:53,810
Oh, my God, Rhonda?
87
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:56,310
It's Barney.
88
00:03:56,610 --> 00:03:58,610
Barney Stinson from
Staten Island Boulevard.
89
00:03:58,910 --> 00:04:02,110
Hey, Barney Stinson from Staten
Island Boulevard. What can I get you?
90
00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,010
I can't believe
she didn't remember me.
91
00:04:05,110 --> 00:04:06,210
Why? Who is she?
92
00:04:06,310 --> 00:04:07,510
That's Rhonda.
93
00:04:09,210 --> 00:04:10,910
I lost my virginity to her.
94
00:04:12,810 --> 00:04:15,310
Sync by vNaru
95
00:04:26,255 --> 00:04:28,355
Baby, are you still sore?
96
00:04:28,455 --> 00:04:30,455
Trish made me do
70 push-ups,
97
00:04:30,555 --> 00:04:32,455
but she only gave me
credit for ten.
98
00:04:32,555 --> 00:04:34,755
Then she had me do
100 sit-ups
99
00:04:34,855 --> 00:04:38,055
and then she made me cry,
using only her words.
100
00:04:40,355 --> 00:04:42,555
It just doesn't add up.
101
00:04:42,955 --> 00:04:44,755
How could Rhonda
not remember me?
102
00:04:44,855 --> 00:04:46,755
Well, maybe it wasn't that good
for her. I mean,
103
00:04:46,855 --> 00:04:48,255
it was your first time.
104
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:50,455
Ted, it's me.
105
00:04:50,655 --> 00:04:52,155
I rocked her world.
106
00:04:53,055 --> 00:04:55,055
You don't believe me?
Okay, story time.
107
00:04:55,155 --> 00:04:56,555
The year was 1998.
108
00:04:56,955 --> 00:04:59,555
I'd been going out with Shannon
since freshman year of college.
109
00:04:59,755 --> 00:05:01,555
We were saving ourselves.
110
00:05:01,655 --> 00:05:05,155
So when we broke up there I was,
23 and still a virgin.
111
00:05:05,455 --> 00:05:07,055
I knew nothing about girls.
112
00:05:07,155 --> 00:05:09,955
So I went to the guy
who knew everything about girls
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00:05:10,055 --> 00:05:10,955
my brother James.
114
00:05:11,055 --> 00:05:13,555
Wait, your gay brother James?
115
00:05:13,555 --> 00:05:15,055
Yeah, this was before
he was gay.
116
00:05:25,355 --> 00:05:28,955
Barney...
Barney, you need to find a girl
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00:05:29,055 --> 00:05:30,655
and have sex with her ASAP.
118
00:05:30,655 --> 00:05:32,555
That is what dudes
do after a breakup.
119
00:05:33,055 --> 00:05:35,255
I know. I want to, but...
120
00:05:35,355 --> 00:05:37,555
I guess I'm just scared.
121
00:05:37,655 --> 00:05:40,155
Of course you're scared.
It's gross.
122
00:05:40,255 --> 00:05:42,555
The thought of doing
that with a woman...
123
00:05:43,155 --> 00:05:45,355
But it's part of being a guy.
124
00:05:45,655 --> 00:05:47,055
Try thinking about baseball.
125
00:05:47,455 --> 00:05:51,255
Somehow I imagine those players
on the field and it's over a lot faster.
126
00:05:51,955 --> 00:05:55,555
But I don't know the first thing
about seducing a woman.
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00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:59,355
What do you...? How do you...?
Where do you...?
128
00:05:59,455 --> 00:06:01,655
Stop. Don't overthink it.
129
00:06:01,655 --> 00:06:02,955
You don't want to get the yips.
130
00:06:03,055 --> 00:06:03,855
The yips?
131
00:06:03,955 --> 00:06:08,255
Yeah, when you overthink simple things
so much that you can't do them at all.
132
00:06:08,955 --> 00:06:10,155
The yips.
133
00:06:10,255 --> 00:06:12,055
Yeah, it happens to
athletes all the time.
134
00:06:12,155 --> 00:06:14,455
Like the second baseman
who suddenly can't throw to first
135
00:06:14,455 --> 00:06:17,555
or the figure skater who
does a perfect triple toe loop
136
00:06:17,655 --> 00:06:19,455
and then loses it
on the arabesque.
137
00:06:20,355 --> 00:06:22,855
I've actually really been getting into
figure skating lately.
138
00:06:24,555 --> 00:06:26,155
But, James...
139
00:06:26,355 --> 00:06:28,955
what woman's going
to have sex with me?
140
00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:31,555
It's not like
I'm a Backstreet Boy.
141
00:06:33,055 --> 00:06:34,255
The Man Maker.
142
00:06:34,855 --> 00:06:36,655
Rhonda "Man Maker" French
143
00:06:36,655 --> 00:06:38,755
was our mom's friend
from down the street.
144
00:06:39,055 --> 00:06:41,255
- Got any kings?
- Go fish.
145
00:06:42,255 --> 00:06:45,055
So, Patty, know that
new paperboy?
146
00:06:45,455 --> 00:06:48,155
I let him throw one into my
hedges, if you know what I mean.
147
00:06:49,455 --> 00:06:51,955
Did you see that new guy
who cleans my pool?
148
00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:54,855
I let him snake my drain,
if you know what I mean.
149
00:06:56,755 --> 00:06:59,055
You know that Chinese food
delivery boy?
150
00:06:59,455 --> 00:07:00,755
I had sex with him.
151
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:05,255
I don't have a funny way of saying it yet.
It just happened 20 minutes ago.
152
00:07:06,955 --> 00:07:08,355
Of course.
153
00:07:08,455 --> 00:07:09,555
The Man Maker.
154
00:07:09,855 --> 00:07:13,055
And it'll be easier too,
'cause she knows me so well.
155
00:07:13,655 --> 00:07:15,455
- Hi, Barry.
- Barney.
156
00:07:16,155 --> 00:07:19,155
Hi, Ms. French. I know we haven't seen
each other for a while,
157
00:07:19,155 --> 00:07:21,655
but if there was any chance...
Oh, boy.
158
00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:27,655
You just rocked my world.
159
00:07:28,155 --> 00:07:31,355
That was the best sex
I ever had.
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00:07:33,355 --> 00:07:35,655
That was the night I was born.
161
00:07:36,055 --> 00:07:40,055
I rose like a phoenix
from her mentholated bosom
162
00:07:40,355 --> 00:07:42,555
and strode into the world,
163
00:07:42,655 --> 00:07:45,555
Armani clad
and fully awesome.
164
00:07:47,155 --> 00:07:48,755
God, please let me stop!
165
00:07:48,855 --> 00:07:52,155
Yes, great, let's stop. Let's just
kick back and wait for the massive
166
00:07:52,255 --> 00:07:54,955
coronary you're going to have a couple
years from now when you're 40.
167
00:07:55,755 --> 00:07:57,155
I'm... I'm 29.
168
00:07:58,155 --> 00:07:59,855
50 more!
169
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:01,955
Hi, sweetie.
170
00:08:02,055 --> 00:08:04,555
I got a trainer, too.
This is Max.
171
00:08:04,555 --> 00:08:06,255
We're going to focus
on flexibility.
172
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:08,355
Yeah, I'm gonna
stretch her out.
173
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,655
Great... Wait, what?
174
00:08:10,755 --> 00:08:12,955
50 more, now!
175
00:08:29,855 --> 00:08:31,755
Okay, well, that's not cool.
176
00:08:33,355 --> 00:08:35,655
You know, Rhonda,
177
00:08:36,155 --> 00:08:39,055
running into you really got me
thinking about the old days.
178
00:08:39,055 --> 00:08:40,655
You were quite popular.
179
00:08:41,055 --> 00:08:42,955
I sure got around back then.
180
00:08:43,455 --> 00:08:48,055
And there was one young man who
stood out above the pack.
181
00:08:48,855 --> 00:08:52,055
Freddy Chibatoni.
That kid had a tongue like a gecko.
182
00:08:52,955 --> 00:08:56,255
No, no, I was thinking
about someone else.
183
00:08:56,455 --> 00:08:59,955
Chaz Alderman. Hips like a woman,
but he knew how to use them.
184
00:09:00,355 --> 00:09:01,855
What about me?!
185
00:09:02,255 --> 00:09:05,255
- You?
- Yes. We slept together.
186
00:09:05,255 --> 00:09:07,855
And you said I was the best
you ever had.
187
00:09:07,955 --> 00:09:08,955
Did I?
188
00:09:09,855 --> 00:09:12,155
Oh, right.
189
00:09:12,855 --> 00:09:13,755
About that...
190
00:09:14,255 --> 00:09:16,655
And tell him that
he's the best you ever had.
191
00:09:17,055 --> 00:09:18,655
Oh, I don't know.
192
00:09:19,055 --> 00:09:20,455
He's just a kid.
193
00:09:20,555 --> 00:09:23,755
No he isn't. He's 23 and he is
really hurting, Rhonda.
194
00:09:23,955 --> 00:09:24,855
Please.
195
00:09:25,755 --> 00:09:27,455
Maybe we could make a deal.
196
00:09:28,055 --> 00:09:28,955
What?
197
00:09:34,155 --> 00:09:35,855
No, girl, I got a girlfriend.
198
00:09:35,855 --> 00:09:38,555
Yeah, yeah, yeah, hers
is the only vagina for me.
199
00:09:38,755 --> 00:09:40,755
Oh... I love it.
200
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,555
It... it isn't scary at all.
201
00:09:44,355 --> 00:09:47,355
Well, too bad. I guess your brother's
going to stay a virgin.
202
00:09:53,255 --> 00:09:54,055
Fine.
203
00:09:54,755 --> 00:09:57,255
Reggie Jackson, Reggie Jackson,
Reggie Jackson...
204
00:09:57,755 --> 00:09:59,555
But those compliments
you gave me.
205
00:10:01,255 --> 00:10:03,455
You just rocked my world.
206
00:10:03,455 --> 00:10:06,155
That was the best sex
I ever had.
207
00:10:08,655 --> 00:10:10,955
But you said
I rocked your world.
208
00:10:11,255 --> 00:10:13,655
All subsequent
worlds that I rocked
209
00:10:13,755 --> 00:10:16,355
were only so rocked because
of the confidence I earned
210
00:10:16,455 --> 00:10:18,755
from said first world rocking.
211
00:10:19,855 --> 00:10:21,255
Sorry, Barry.
212
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:23,255
It's Barney.
213
00:10:25,848 --> 00:10:27,648
So I'm doing sit-ups
and she says,
214
00:10:27,748 --> 00:10:30,148
"All right, Marshall,
just one more set."
215
00:10:30,148 --> 00:10:32,948
So I summon all my strength
and I do that set,
216
00:10:33,048 --> 00:10:35,248
and then she says,
"Give me another set."
217
00:10:35,348 --> 00:10:36,948
So I'm like, "Is this
the last set?"
218
00:10:36,948 --> 00:10:39,748
And she says yes. So I do
that set and then she says,
219
00:10:39,748 --> 00:10:42,748
"Give me another set."
She lied to my face!
220
00:10:43,048 --> 00:10:44,448
Everything hurts.
221
00:10:45,148 --> 00:10:48,448
Baby, the whole point
of working out is to feel better.
222
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:51,748
This trainer is making you miserable.
You have to call her and quit.
223
00:10:51,948 --> 00:10:54,248
I got to work through it.
I got to finish what I started.
224
00:10:54,548 --> 00:10:57,148
- If you're too scared, I can call her.
- Her number's on this card.
225
00:11:00,448 --> 00:11:02,148
Hi. Is this Trish?
226
00:11:02,448 --> 00:11:04,648
This is Marshall's wife.
Listen,
227
00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:07,248
we have a problem here
and it's you.
228
00:11:07,348 --> 00:11:09,648
I don't know
who the hell you think you are,
229
00:11:09,848 --> 00:11:13,148
but from now on, you don't
tell Marshall what to do.
230
00:11:13,148 --> 00:11:16,748
You are an employee.
We tell you what to do.
231
00:11:16,748 --> 00:11:20,048
And I'm telling you
you're fired, bitch.
232
00:11:23,248 --> 00:11:27,248
Okay, bye. You better get down there,
baby. She's pretty pissed.
233
00:11:28,448 --> 00:11:31,148
Hey, buddy. Still bummed about
the whole Rhonda thing?
234
00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:35,648
No. Why would I let the approval
of one woman define who I am?
235
00:11:35,748 --> 00:11:38,148
- That's very mature of you, Barney.
- Let him finish.
236
00:11:38,148 --> 00:11:41,148
When I can let the approval
of a gaggle of supermodels
237
00:11:41,248 --> 00:11:43,848
define who I am. What? What?
238
00:11:43,848 --> 00:11:48,248
Three tickets to the after party of the
Victoria's Secret fashion show?
239
00:11:48,248 --> 00:11:49,948
Uh, kablammie!
240
00:11:49,948 --> 00:11:52,148
Lily, um, could I go?
241
00:11:52,248 --> 00:11:54,648
Go. You're too sore
to do anything anyway.
242
00:12:06,448 --> 00:12:11,248
Okay, this, boys,
is not a regular season game.
243
00:12:11,348 --> 00:12:13,848
This is the World Series.
244
00:12:13,848 --> 00:12:16,248
So remember,
we work together.
245
00:12:16,348 --> 00:12:20,048
We're a team. And if anyone
sees Heidi Klum... dibs.
246
00:12:22,148 --> 00:12:24,248
Target acquired.
Dig deep.
247
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:31,448
- Hey, it's a nice party, huh?
- Yeah, it's great.
248
00:12:31,848 --> 00:12:33,848
Do you guys work
for the company?
249
00:12:33,948 --> 00:12:38,948
Yeah, it's called "I'm Gonna Get In
Your Panties, Incorporated."
250
00:12:39,548 --> 00:12:40,648
Gross!
251
00:12:43,248 --> 00:12:44,548
Dude!
252
00:12:45,048 --> 00:12:48,248
I don't know. That was terrible.
I am so sorry.
253
00:12:48,348 --> 00:12:49,548
Wait a minute. It's okay.
It's okay. It's fine.
254
00:12:49,648 --> 00:12:51,448
It's a numbers game. I'm cool.
255
00:12:52,048 --> 00:12:54,448
Model... model.
256
00:12:55,248 --> 00:12:56,248
Hi.
257
00:12:56,548 --> 00:12:57,748
I know, right?
258
00:12:58,748 --> 00:13:06,748
This party is legend-
Wait for it...
259
00:13:06,848 --> 00:13:09,148
Uh, how long do we have
to wait for it?
260
00:13:11,548 --> 00:13:14,148
I think he's having a stroke.
261
00:13:16,348 --> 00:13:18,648
- What is the matter with me?
- I don't know.
262
00:13:18,748 --> 00:13:21,548
Wait, wait, wait... you don't
think I have the yips, do ya?
263
00:13:21,548 --> 00:13:23,548
No, no, no, relax.
264
00:13:23,848 --> 00:13:26,448
There's Alessandra Ambrosio.
English is her second language.
265
00:13:26,548 --> 00:13:28,348
Even if you screw up,
you'll never know.
266
00:13:28,448 --> 00:13:29,348
Come on.
267
00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:33,148
- Hi.
- Hi.
268
00:13:33,848 --> 00:13:36,248
Those are very nice honkers.
269
00:13:38,048 --> 00:13:39,248
Honkers?
270
00:13:39,548 --> 00:13:42,548
I don't know this word.
Do you want to go dance?
271
00:13:43,048 --> 00:13:48,048
I'm talking about those things.
Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga!
272
00:13:49,948 --> 00:13:54,748
Oh, no, I can't have the yips. I can't
have the yips, not here. Not now.
273
00:13:54,848 --> 00:13:57,748
This is me.
It's Barney, Barney!
274
00:13:58,048 --> 00:13:59,148
Heidi Klum!
275
00:13:59,248 --> 00:14:02,748
This is perfect.
I can do this. I can do this.
276
00:14:04,148 --> 00:14:06,248
Thanks for coming.
Heidi Klum, I'm Barney.
277
00:14:06,848 --> 00:14:08,348
Hi, Barney.
Nice to meet you.
278
00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:11,348
Goobidy, goobidy,
goobidy, goobidy.
279
00:14:15,048 --> 00:14:17,648
- Is he okay?
- Uh, he has the yips.
280
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,648
Hasn't been able
to hit on a woman all night.
281
00:14:19,748 --> 00:14:21,148
He has the yips?
282
00:14:21,248 --> 00:14:23,048
Ooh, that's bad.
283
00:14:23,848 --> 00:14:28,648
You know, in Germany, we call this #@%!.
Whoa, that is bad.
284
00:14:29,648 --> 00:14:33,248
I don't know what's happened to me.
I've, I've totally lost my confidence.
285
00:14:34,948 --> 00:14:37,648
Barney, maybe you have
to open up to somebody.
286
00:14:37,748 --> 00:14:40,048
Maybe you have to
open up to some...
287
00:14:40,748 --> 00:14:43,048
He just found out that the woman
he lost his virginity to
288
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,848
only did it because
his brother bribed her.
289
00:14:46,148 --> 00:14:47,648
That's a rough one.
290
00:14:47,848 --> 00:14:54,248
I mean, the only thing I can think of
to get rid of #@%! is
291
00:14:55,148 --> 00:14:58,748
you have to go out there.
And you need to find that woman.
292
00:14:58,948 --> 00:15:01,548
And you need to earn it
with her for real.
293
00:15:01,748 --> 00:15:04,748
That is the only way
how you can find yourself.
294
00:15:07,348 --> 00:15:10,948
I see little hamburgers!
I love little hamburgers.
295
00:15:12,148 --> 00:15:13,048
Wiedersehen.
296
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:17,648
I just made out
with Heidi Klum.
297
00:15:18,348 --> 00:15:19,148
What?
298
00:15:20,248 --> 00:15:23,148
Ted, just... okay?
299
00:15:26,448 --> 00:15:27,248
Come in.
300
00:15:28,948 --> 00:15:29,748
Hi, Rhonda.
301
00:15:30,348 --> 00:15:32,648
Hi, kiddo. Surprised
to see you here.
302
00:15:33,048 --> 00:15:37,848
So, hey, uh,
maybe how about sex?
303
00:15:38,448 --> 00:15:39,748
Let's sex.
304
00:15:39,948 --> 00:15:42,548
What are you talking about?
I'm watching Wheel of Fortune.
305
00:15:42,848 --> 00:15:45,048
You can keep watching.
I'll face you toward the TV.
306
00:15:46,148 --> 00:15:48,248
- That's a cute idea, kid.
- Great.
307
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:51,648
No, I'm not having sex with you.
Sit down a minute.
308
00:15:51,848 --> 00:15:55,348
I'm not the Man Maker anymore.
You know what?
309
00:15:55,848 --> 00:15:57,648
About five years ago,
310
00:15:57,748 --> 00:16:00,948
I realized there was
an emptiness inside of me
311
00:16:01,048 --> 00:16:03,348
that no amount of
meaningless sex could fill.
312
00:16:03,448 --> 00:16:05,148
I needed something more.
313
00:16:05,348 --> 00:16:09,048
And that's when I
discovered Indian casinos.
314
00:16:12,548 --> 00:16:13,748
Hey, Barney,
315
00:16:13,948 --> 00:16:16,948
it's weird not seeing you
in a suit. What's going on?
316
00:16:17,148 --> 00:16:18,648
Uh, not much.
317
00:16:18,948 --> 00:16:23,348
My entire sexual history was built
on a rotting foundation of lies.
318
00:16:23,948 --> 00:16:27,848
My whole identity is lost
in a pit of menthol ashes.
319
00:16:28,748 --> 00:16:29,748
Work is good.
320
00:16:34,848 --> 00:16:36,848
I'm never going
back to that gym again.
321
00:16:38,348 --> 00:16:40,248
Today at work,
I had to have an intern
322
00:16:40,348 --> 00:16:43,048
rip up my bagel and put little
pieces in my mouth.
323
00:16:44,548 --> 00:16:46,748
Yeah, I'm done there, too.
That place is horrible.
324
00:16:47,148 --> 00:16:52,048
What about your big muscular trainer
who's so into stretching you out?
325
00:16:52,248 --> 00:16:56,948
Yeah, well, turns out that guy had no
affiliation with the gym whatsoever.
326
00:16:58,848 --> 00:17:00,848
Come on, guys, don't
give up on the gym.
327
00:17:00,948 --> 00:17:02,048
It's been great for us.
328
00:17:02,148 --> 00:17:05,348
Like today, Robin
and I had a really nice moment.
329
00:17:05,848 --> 00:17:10,448
Oh, God! Oh... Yahhh!
330
00:17:19,448 --> 00:17:22,548
Robin, hey,
I just wanted to...
331
00:17:22,748 --> 00:17:24,748
come over and thank you.
332
00:17:24,848 --> 00:17:26,048
Thank me for what?
333
00:17:26,148 --> 00:17:29,148
Well, you know how it's hard
for exes to be friends
334
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:31,948
because there's this lingering
sexual tension between them?
335
00:17:33,248 --> 00:17:34,948
Gone. Thank you.
336
00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:39,548
You know, for all the crap
you've given me,
337
00:17:39,548 --> 00:17:41,248
I haven't seen you
work up a sweat there once.
338
00:17:41,448 --> 00:17:42,848
It's not true.
I was there today.
339
00:17:42,948 --> 00:17:44,348
Yeah, but didn't you leave early?
340
00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:54,048
Oh, great.
341
00:17:54,348 --> 00:17:57,148
Now I got to go home
and charge this.
342
00:17:58,548 --> 00:17:59,448
Wait a minute.
343
00:17:59,648 --> 00:18:01,548
You didn't work out
Tuesday either.
344
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,548
Brought the wrong shorts.
345
00:18:06,248 --> 00:18:09,348
Yeah, and you totally
disappeared on Monday, too.
346
00:18:09,448 --> 00:18:11,748
No, I was at the
gym the whole time.
347
00:18:13,948 --> 00:18:15,648
Ooh! Oh, I love this gym.
348
00:18:17,248 --> 00:18:20,748
Lily, help me bend down
these three fingers.
349
00:18:21,348 --> 00:18:23,448
Actually, I have an idea.
350
00:18:23,848 --> 00:18:27,048
Do it! Come on!
Do it, you worthless piece of crap!
351
00:18:27,148 --> 00:18:29,348
Please! Please,
I just want to go home.
352
00:18:29,448 --> 00:18:31,048
Come on.
This is your last set!
353
00:18:32,248 --> 00:18:35,048
You said that last time!
354
00:18:38,048 --> 00:18:39,448
Gone.
355
00:18:48,748 --> 00:18:51,148
I saw your friend
Ted at the gym.
356
00:18:51,448 --> 00:18:54,648
After he puked and cleared
the line at the smoothie bar,
357
00:18:54,948 --> 00:18:58,348
he said you were
kinda having a tough time.
358
00:18:59,048 --> 00:19:02,948
Did you change your mind
about having love, making sex,
359
00:19:03,148 --> 00:19:05,648
penis vagina?
What is the matter with me?
360
00:19:05,748 --> 00:19:08,348
- Oh, honey...
- I just, I don't get it.
361
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:11,248
You slept with so many guys.
You slept with my brother.
362
00:19:11,348 --> 00:19:15,748
We are practically the same person.
Was I really so bad?
363
00:19:16,848 --> 00:19:20,048
- Nobody's good the first time.
- But I was.
364
00:19:20,248 --> 00:19:23,148
At least I thought I was.
365
00:19:23,848 --> 00:19:27,748
Oh, Barney, you know...
sex isn't everything.
366
00:19:28,148 --> 00:19:30,848
When is the last time you had
a conversation with a woman
367
00:19:30,948 --> 00:19:32,748
with no intention of
scoring with her?
368
00:19:36,148 --> 00:19:39,148
I sat next to former Secretary of State
Madeleine Albright
369
00:19:39,148 --> 00:19:40,748
at a benefit once.
370
00:19:40,848 --> 00:19:43,448
I certainly didn't intend
to hit that.
371
00:19:44,848 --> 00:19:46,248
Yeah, well,
372
00:19:46,648 --> 00:19:49,748
I tell you what. Sleeping with me
again isn't gonna solve anything.
373
00:19:51,048 --> 00:19:52,448
I don't know what else is.
374
00:19:55,348 --> 00:19:56,448
I think I know.
375
00:19:57,148 --> 00:19:59,148
Do you have any kings?
376
00:19:59,648 --> 00:20:01,048
No, go fish.
377
00:20:02,048 --> 00:20:05,148
See, Barney, isn't it nice
to just sit and
378
00:20:05,648 --> 00:20:08,048
have a evening with a woman,
no agenda?
379
00:20:08,548 --> 00:20:10,248
Just make nice conversation?
380
00:20:12,548 --> 00:20:13,248
No.
381
00:20:13,648 --> 00:20:15,148
Yeah, kinda sucks,
doesn't it?
382
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,048
Oh, my God, Barney,
383
00:20:18,448 --> 00:20:21,148
you really did just
rock my world.
384
00:20:21,748 --> 00:20:24,048
That was amazing.
385
00:20:24,448 --> 00:20:27,548
- And I'm not lying.
- I know you're not lying, baby.
386
00:20:27,948 --> 00:20:29,948
And it was good for you?
387
00:20:30,348 --> 00:20:32,648
It was the best sex
I've ever had.
388
00:20:34,748 --> 00:20:36,248
Later.
389
00:20:39,548 --> 00:20:41,148
Daddy's back.
390
00:20:43,548 --> 00:20:46,248
- Hey, buddy, how's it going?
- Hey. Pretty good.
391
00:20:46,348 --> 00:20:49,048
Pretty good. Ooh!
I can move my legs now
392
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,848
and I can lift
my arms this high.
393
00:20:53,448 --> 00:20:56,248
Yeah, you know, I feel
like I have more energy.
394
00:20:56,348 --> 00:20:59,948
Yeah, it was hard at first, but now
if I go a day without working out,
395
00:21:00,048 --> 00:21:01,248
I miss it.
396
00:21:01,248 --> 00:21:02,448
I'm proud of us, guys.
397
00:21:02,548 --> 00:21:04,848
The first week is the hardest.
We're over the hump.
398
00:21:05,048 --> 00:21:07,648
Joining that gym was the best
decision we ever made.
399
00:21:07,948 --> 00:21:10,648
And we never went back
to the gym again.