>>> tonight, a cnn special
Event.
Congresswoman michele bachmann's
Response to the president's
State of the union address.
The second attempt.
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
>> good evening.
I'm congresswoman michele
Bachmann from minnesota's sixth
District.
Four nights ago on behalf of the
Republican party and the tea
Party, I delivered a response to
President obama's state of the
Union address.
Unfortunately, that response was
Marred by some technical
Difficulties, and it seems that
Its core message was not
Properly conveyed.
Accordingly I have asked for
This time tonight in order to
Try again.
Because, you see, the issues are
Simply too important and the
Stakes for our nation too high
To do otherwise.
So here goes.
[ laughter ]
Two years ago when barack obama
Became president, our nation's
Unemployment rate was already
7.8%, and our national debt an
Astonishing $10.6 trillion.
The economy was headed for
Disaster.
As you can see from this chart.
[ laughter ]
Not a pretty picture, is it?
Yet, instead of addressing our
Economic problems, this
President's policies have made
Them worse, as this next chart
Clearly shows.
[ laughter ]
That's right.
Under our current president
We've gone from this to this.
[ laughter ]
But it doesn't have to be this
Way.
By simply reducing spending and
Returning to the core governing
Principles of our founding
Fathers, we can have an economy
That looks like this.
[ laughter ]
But let's be honest, before any
Of this can happen, we must
First address the massive growth
In entitlements, especially
Social security.
I'm going to show you another
Chart of the projected growth of
Revenues into the social
Security trust fund.
[ laughter ]
A little hard to see because I
Drew the line in white.
Now, here is the same graph
Adding projected social security
Expenditures, also in white.
[ laughter ]
Sorry, that's not very clear.
Should we show that last graph
In plaqblack?
Do we have that?
That's a little better.
Maybe not.
The point is the current
Situation is unsustainable.
Consider this chart which shows
The amount of federal spending
Devoted just to interest on the
National debt.
[ laughter ]
This is is the one I dropped in
The snow.
That's a shame.
That was important.
But the point is the american
People don't need graphs or
Charts to tell us what we
Already know.
Our country is headed in the
Wrong direction and we all
Remember what this president
Promised us just one year ago at
His first state of the union.
All right.
Obviously, that's not president
Obama.
No, I know it's on this tape.
I just don't know where.
I don't have time to find it
Now.
So let me just conclude by
Saying, I realize how much the
American people are sacrificing
During these troubled economic
Times.
We republicans get it.
And we want you to know we're
Doing some belt-tightening of
Our own.
For example, this presentation
You just saw was done on a
Reduced budget.
I'm not kidding.
We didn't even hire a
Professional director.
Seriously.
Or a trained graphic designer.
And here is something else,
Believe it or not, my makeup was
Done by a child.
[ laughter ]
As god is my witness, she's 5
Years old.
So thank you for your attention.
May god bless america, and live
From new york, it's Saturday
Night!
>> announcer: It's "Saturday
Night live"!
With fred armisen
Abby elliott
Bill hader
Seth meyers
Bobby moynihan
Andy samberg
Jason sudeikis
Kenan thompson
Kristen wigg
Featuring vanessa bayer
Paul brittain
Taran killam
Nasim pedrad
Jay pharaoh
Musical guest nicki minaj
And your host, jesse eisenberg!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jesse eisenberg!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you very much.
It is so great to be here,
Hosting "Saturday night live."
It's been a really exciting year
For me.
I was in "the social network."
[ cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
And, you know, I'm actually
Really glad to be here because,
You know, in a few movies I have
Played guys who are kind of shy,
You know, and unassuming, and
That is just not me at all.
You know, and as you will see
Tonight, well, I'm really cocky,
You know.
In life, you know, I own it.
When I walk into a room, people
Are just like, whoa, whoa, watch
Out.
Who is that freight train of
Confidence.
Or not.
I don't know.
That's presumptuous of me.
Anyway, although actually one
Thing I am an expert in is
Women.
You know, I do.
I know a lot about the ladies.
Like, for example, I know every
28 days a female will shed their
Uterine lining.
[ laughter ]
No, it's true.
That's true.
That would be a thing like if I
Were out on a date, you know,
With a lady, she wouldn't have
To explain that to me.
You know, because I already know
It.
You know, because I'm so cocky
And I can't wait for the oscars.
I'm going to -- thank you.
I am going to take jack
Nicholson's seat in the front
Row.
I'm going to say, sorry, jack,
Here's jesse.
I'm not going to say that.
Even thinking of saying
Something like that is kind of
Giving me a panic attack right
Now.
You know what?
I feel like I'm misrepresenting
Myself.
>> well, misrepresenting people
Is something you have a lot of
Practice with.
>> whoa, mark zuckerberg.
Hey, how are you?
>> how am I?
I'm bad, okay?
You got nominated for an academy
Award for playing me, and what
Do I get, you know?
What do I have to feel good
About?
>> wasn't facebook just valued
At like $50 billion?
>> oh, that's right, yeah.
Well, good luck at your dinky
Movie award thing.
All hail the zuck.
Why can't I go in there?
I'm the real mark zuckerberg.
>> and I'm pretty sure at least
One of those guys is the real
Mark zuckerberg?
>> no, I am.
That guy is like my evil twin
And that's andy samberg.
Those guys are such nerds.
I invented "poking."
>> yeah.
You're better off backstage.
>> okay.
We're going to let you in on the
Joke.
This isn't mark zuckerberg.
This is andy samberg.
>> yes, and may I say, jesse,
That I loved your zuckerberg.
How do you do yours?
>> thank you.
I speak in short clipped
Sentences and I keep my head
Very still like this.
But I love yours actually.
What is your technique?
>> I wear this sweatshirt.
And I say, I'm mark zuckerberg.
>> straightforward.
And, of course, I wasn't really
Doing mark zuckerberg.
I was interpreting a fictional
Character in a movie script.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> thank you for coming here.
>> wait.
Have you two not met?
>> no.
>> awkward!
[ laughter ]
>> well, I'll be going.
Samberg out.
>> so --
>> yeah, yeah.
>> I really, really, really
Liked you on "60 minutes."
>> thanks, man.
>> you ever end up seeing the
Film, "the social network."
>> yeah, I did.
>> thanks.
And what did you think?
>> it was interesting.
>> interesting.
You know, I'll take it.
Thank you, great.
Hey, you know what, why don't we
Do this together.
>> cool, we have a great show
For you tonight.
Nicki minaj is here.
>> right.
>> so stick around.
We'll be right back.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> let's face it, life is
Pretty busy.
Even when you're not working it
Seems like millions of other
Things suddenly come up.
So if you're like me, a busy guy
In a preop transsexual in his
Third month of hormone
Treatments, leading estrogen
Supplement that works for your Schedule.
There they are.
You deserve to be the body you Want.
Most hormone replacement
Therapies require you to take
Five estrogen supplements a day,
Five.
Who has time for that?
But now, there's hope.
Once daily estromaxx.
A single daily pill that gives
You all the sex changing
Hormones you need.
>> because I don't want to spend
My day taking estrogen, but I do
Want to become a woman.
[ laughter ]
>> I'm the head of a major
Corporation.
I can't spend all day increasing
Market share and turning my
Penis in a functional vagina.
But with once daily estromaxx, I
Can work while my estrogen does.
>> once daily estromaxx does
What you need, grows your
Breasts, redistributes your body
Fat, and shrinks those pesky
Male genitals.
>> I'm becoming the person I
Want to be and without the
Hassle.
Thanks, estromaxx.
[ laughter ]
>> once daily estromaxx tackles
Gender reversal so you can
Tackle life.
>> I need some syrup because my
Nipples are as big as silver
Dollar pancakes.
[ laughter ]
>> that's amazing.
Jf that's once daily estromaxx.
>> once daily estromaxx is a
Powerful dose of estrogen.
If you do not wish to become a
Woman, you should not take once
Daily estromaxx.
[ laughter ]
Men taking estrogen may develop
An interest in tlc's "say yes to
The dress."
[ laughter ]
>> once daily estromaxx.
Nature got in your way.
Your estrogen pills shouldn't.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> you're watching nickelodeon
After dark.
Coming up, a classic episode of
"mr. Wizard."
♪
>> hey, kids.
>> all: Hey, mr. Wizard!
>> today we're going to learn
About something called static
Lelectricity and you're the
Conductor.
Now, everything is made up of
Atoms, but what floats around
Those atoms?
Does anybody know?
Chris?
>> I don't know.
>> claudette?
>> I don't really know.
>> lauren?
>> electrons.
>> good!
And we rub up against something,
Sometimes those tiny electrons
Move.
Now, everyone take a balloon.
Now, what I want you to do is
Rub that balloon on yourself.
♪
There you go.
On your sweater, on your arm
Like this.
You can even rub it on your
Partner.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
Very good.
Get worked up.
It's science!
[ laughter ]
>> okay, chris, chris,
Claudette, guys, guys.
That's fine.
That's enough with the balloons.
Now, what have we just
Experienced with the balloons?
Chris?
>> something new.
>> yes, but what?
>> I don't know.
>> it felt like a good headache.
>> actually, we've created an
Electronic field, and if you get
A strong-enough field, your
Balloons can stick to anything,
Even a wall.
Let's go ahead and rub our
Balloons again, but this time
Just on our sleeves, everyone.
Just on the sleeve.
There you go.
Now, in order for it to stick,
You really need to rub a lot.
The more you rub the more those
Electrons will transfer over
Giving you a really powerful
Static charge.
Are you guys feeling that
Charge?
>> yes.
>> I feel it!
>> okay, okay.
That's enough.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's
Enough.
Enough with the balloons.
Stop it.
We're all done.
>> this is fun.
Not of that fun.
>> let's put our balloons on the
Board.
See how it sticks?
How about that?
Now what did we learn from the
Experience.
>> I like rubbing.
>> not really, no, no, no.
Think about the experiment.
Did you learn anything?
>> balloons make things grow.
>> no, no, no.
Let's move on.
Now, people aren't the only
Conductors.
Have you ever heard of a
Generator.
>> wow, that's big.
>> yeah, yeah.
>> sure is.
This electrostatic generator can
Reach up to five megavolts just
From all the vibrating.
Do you want to see what it can
Do to you?
>> yeah, hurry up.
>> okay.
Here we go.
Now, go ahead and touch it.
See what happens.
What's happening here is we're
Accelerating electrons to create
An electromagnetic field.
If you stay in the field long
Enough, you will be fully
Charged with negative electrons.
Now, are you fully charged yet?
>> yeah.
>> oh, sweet maria, get off, get
Off of there, guys.
>> but it's good for me.
>> yes, I want to do science in
The shower.
>> no, you don't.
No, you don't.
When we come back you'll learn
Another great conductor, body
Heat.
Oh, boy.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> yeah, okay.
Welcome to "don't forget the
Lyrics."
I'm your host mark mcgrath, and
Yeah, I do this now.
[ cheers and applause ]
No, no, I don't know why.
Okay.
As always, our audience has been
Force fed mountain dew and diet
Pills since 5:00 this morning
And they are ready to rock and
Roll.
[ cheers and applause ]
All right, let's bring out
Today's contestant.
Everyone, please give a crazed
Welcome to kenny lushing from
Providence, rhode island!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> yes, I have seen this show.
>> all right.
Tell us a little about yourself,
Kenny.
>> well, mark, I'm 22 years old.
I'm a part-time student and I
Was just fired from domino's
Pizza for reasons of hygiene.
Yeah!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> that's great.
You know the rules.
We supply the music, you supply
The words.
But when the music cuts out,
Make sure you don't forget the
Lyrics.
>> that is the purpose of this
Show, yes!
I am feeling the wrath of
Mcgrath.
Our first category is rock.
And your song choices are "love
In an elevator" by aerosmith and
"I love rock and roll" by
Joan jett.
>> mark, I'm going to go with "I
Love rock and roll" because I
Love rocks and I love rolls.
[ cheers and applause ]
He knows, over there.
>> all right, kenny.
"I love rock and roll" by
Joan jett.
We are looking for ten missing
Lyrics.
All right?
Hit it!
>> all right.
Crank her up.
♪ I love rock and roll
So put another dime in the
Jukebox baby
I love rock and roll ♪
♪ so come and kiss a lime
You dance machine ♪
[ laughter ]
>> wow, okay, okay.
Come and kiss a line you dns
Machine?
Do you want to lock in those
Lyrics?
>> yeah, let's lock them in.
>> oh!
>> I'm sorry, kenny.
The correct lyrics were "come
And take the time and dance with
Me."
>> yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I guess I'm a
Little nervous.
>> it's understandable, man.
This is vh1.
It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
It's all happening!
[ cheers and applause ]
Hey, don't worry because we're
Moving on to the next song.
Are you ready, kenny?
>> I'm ready.
Are you ready, mr. Mark?
>> I'm under contract!
[ laughter ]
Got to be ready.
So let's rock.
Our net category is pop and your
Choices are "doctor, doctor" by
Robert palmer or "fly" by my old
Group sugar ray.
>> I really don't remember the
Song "fly" by sugar ray.
>> oh, really?
Oh, that's funny because you
Know who did remember that song?
The marketing team for
Cajun pringles in 1997.
They seemed to think it
Represented a generation so --
>> okay, well, I'm still going
To go with "doctor, doctor."
>> the doctor is in.
Hit it.
>> this one is for all the
Doctors, male and female.
[ clapping ]
♪ I need you ♪
♪ to soothe my head
And turn my blue heart
To red
Doctor, doctor ♪
♪ give me the news
I got one extra testicle ♪
>> I'm sorry.
Oh, my god, I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
>> I'm sorry.
The lyrics were a bad case of
Loving you, not one extra
Testicle.
Where did that come from?
>> from birth.
>> sorry.
You know, when I get nervous I
Kind of just like blurt whatever
Is on my mind.
It probably happens all the
Time.
>> no, not to me.
I'm going to pick the next song
For you.
It's an easy one.
It's "celebration" by kool and
The gang.
You pumped?
>> yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
>> okay.
Here we go.
♪ celebrate saddam hussein ♪
>> I was thinking of another
Song.
>> what song?
>> there is no song.
>> the final round, the song is
"it's not unusual" by tom jones.
He only need to give us three
Missing lyrics.
They're the title of the song.
>> I think I can do this, markey
Mark.
>> different guy.
>> are you going to dance this
Time?
>> I doubt it, kenny.
No, I really do.
Wait, hold on.
Oh, I'm not allowed to stop
Dancing?
Okay.
I'm what?
What are you saying?
Oh, replaceable.
Okay.
You got it.
Sorry about that.
Hit it!
♪ it's not unusual
To get a boner
At the movies
[ laughter ]
♪ it's not unusual
If it was "toy story 3" ♪
>> that's not right is it?
>> it's wrong on a number of
Levels, okay?
But come back, okay?
Come back when you want.
All right, that's the show.
Another day done for
Mark mcgrath.
I make notches on my wall like
I'm in prison.
This is vh1.
Good afternoon!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> next week, dana carvey with
Musical guest linkin park.
>>> you're watching wstd news
New york.
>> good morning, everyone.
Our top story today, a
Prestigious new york college is
Reeling following a drug bust on
Campus.
Veteran reporter herb welch is
On the scene, who today is
Celebrating his 58th year at our
Network.
Herb?
[ laughter ]
>> hello, don.
>> hello, herb, and
Congratulations.
Now, tell us whas what's
Happening on campus.
>> I'm here with
Derrick smalls jr.
>> it's just derrick smalls.
I'm a junior in school.
>> oh --
Now, tell me, what happened.
[ laughter ]
>> um, okay.
The police came in with, like,
Dogs and stuff, and they busted
Into the hinckley dorm.
>> are you sleep walking?
Do you have the flu?
[ laughter ]
>> what?
>> you're wearing pajama
Bottoms.
Terry, get a shot of this.
>> that's just like -- that's
What I wear.
>> well, there you have it.
Changing times and changing
Fashions.
Back to you, jack.
>> herb, herb, no.
Let's follow up a little.
Did the young man know the
Students involved?
Come on.
>> what?
>> did the young man know the
Students involved?
Come on, like, dig a little
Deeper.
Let's go, come on.
>> don't give me the high hat.
[ laughter ]
Did you know the students?
[ laughter ]
>> yeah, actually I bought -- I
Mean, no, no, I don't know them.
>> are you sad they're tearing
Down ebbetts field?
>> come on, herb.
Come on.
>> I don't know what you're
Talking about.
>> exactly.
Let's stay on story, please.
>> who's your favorite player?
Is it pee wee reese?
>> this guy keeps hitting me in
The face.
Is that -- is that how tv works?
>> no, it is not.
Herb, be professional.
>> jack, why don't you sit on
Inju
Your jacket and I'll do the
News.
>> would you please ask him the
Question.
>> did you know about the drugs?
>> I --
>> well, answer me.
>> no one here is high.
I swear.
>> excuse me, I'm an r.A. Here,
And that's not true at all.
>> a sad day in brooklyn.
Back to you, jack.
>> no, herb.
No.
Why don't you turn around and
Talk to that r.A.
>> I'm not going to take
Reporter lessons from a can of
Hairspray.
[ laughter ]
>> come on.
[ laughter ]
>> all right.
>> come on, herb.
Hold it together, herb.
[ laughter ]
>> lay it on me, my man.
What went down?
[ laughter ]
>> no one here is surprised.
Drugs have been a problem in the
Dorms for some time.
>> there you have it.
A city college now fully
Integrated.
>> no, no!
[ laughter ]
>> no, that is not the story,
Herb.
>> don't tell me how to frame
The lead.
>> no way.
Am I on tv?
The gecko, not geico.
>> herb, come on.
[ screaming ]
>> come on, herb.
Damn it.
>> I know why you're angry but
This guy is kind of awesome.
>> but he should be doing his
Job.
>> maybe I ought to be the
Anchor again.
>> no, you can't be, herb.
You were fired for praying the
Rosary on the air.
>> father pat says god loves
Herb welch.
>> yeah, well the father doesn't
Run the network.
>> don't talk about my parish.
[ laughter ]
>> okay, all right.
Just cut away, please.
Can we cut away?
Our apologies to you at home.
Up next, we will talk to police
Chief ray kelly.
Oh, but first some sad news, we
Have just received word that
Our own herb welch has died five
Seconds ago.
We go to the scene now.
[ laughter ]
>> I'm not dead, you --
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> yeah.
Hi, I'm john, and this is the
Freak.
♪ we get out at the club
And you see a fly girl
Do the creep
Do the creep ♪
♪ if you want to make friends
At the atm
Do the creep
Do the creep ♪
♪ we got a new dance
So, get up on your feet
It's really easy to do
And it's called the creep ♪
♪ lift your hands up
Around like a marionette
Pop your knees up and down
And shake your neck ♪
♪ now pull your waistband up
Like you're expecting a flood
And stick your hands down flat
Like you're covered in mud ♪
♪ a mud bath and pop them
Peepers
Focus on your sneakers
You're a certified creeper ♪
♪ when you see cut of beef
Laying out at the beach
Do the creep
Do the creep ♪
♪ and when a fly piece
Walks in front of your tree
Do the creep
Do the creep ♪
♪ you're 6 years old
And that's sort of creepy
My parents took me to their
Room and I saw a peepee ♪
♪ I cried
When they lifted their head
They saw me
At the foot of the bed ♪
♪ knew I was a creep
Since the someday I was born
My mother like
Gotta go ♪
♪ she started freaking
Because I'm creeping ♪
♪
♪ little did they know
That was me they were bottling
I would laugh
Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪
♪ they were scared ♪
♪ open up your peepers
And turn up your speakers ♪
♪ come on get your creep on ♪
♪ do the creep
Do the creep ♪
♪ when you're seconds to wake
And you see big cake
Do the creep
Do the creep ♪
♪ when the judge is a hottie
And you can't control your body
Do the creep
Do the creep ♪
♪ keep your knees flexing
And your arms t-rexing
Do the creep
Do the creep ♪
♪
>> don't forget to smile.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> ladies and gentlemen,
Nicki minaj!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ you see right through me
How do you do that?
How do you do that? ♪
♪ how do you do that?
How do you, how do you
How do you, how do you ♪
♪ how do you ♪
♪ you let me win
You let me ride
You let me rock
You let me slide ♪
♪ and when they looking
You let me hide
Defend my honor
Protect my pride ♪
♪ the good advice
I always hated
But looking back
It made me greater ♪
♪ you always told me
Forget the haters
Just get my money
Just get my weight up ♪
♪ know when I'm lying
Know when I'm crying
It's like you got it
Down to a science ♪
♪ why am I trying
No, you ain't lying
I tried to fight it
Back with defiance ♪
♪ you make me laugh
You make hoarse
From yelling at you
At gettin' at you ♪
♪ pickin' up dishes
And throwing them at you
Why are you speaking
When no one asked you? ♪
♪ you see right through me
How do you do that?
How do you do that? ♪
♪ how do you do that?
How do you, how do you
How do you, how do you ♪
♪ how do you? ♪
♪ you see right through me
How do you do that?
How do you do that? ♪
♪ how do you do that?
How do you, how do you
How do you, how do you ♪
♪ how do you ♪
♪ what are we doing
Could you see through me
Cause you say nicki
And I say "who me?" ♪
♪ you say "no you"
And I say, "screw you"
Then you start dressing
And you start leaving ♪
♪ and I start crying
And I start screaming
The heavy breathing
But what's the reason ♪
♪ always get the
Reaction you wanted
I'm actually frontin'
I'm asking you something ♪
♪ yo, answer this question
Class is in session
Tired of letting
Passive aggression ♪
♪ control my mind
Capture my soul
Okay, you're right
Just let it go ♪
♪ okay you got it
It's in the can
Before I played it
You knew my hand ♪
♪ you can turn a
Free-throw to a goal
He got the peephole
To my soul ♪
♪ you see right through me
How do you do that?
How do you do that? ♪
♪ how do you do that?
How do you, how do you
How do you, how do you ♪
♪ how do you ♪
♪ you see right through me
How do you do that?
How do you do that? ♪
♪ how do you do that?
How do you, how do you
How do you, how do you ♪
♪ how do you ♪
♪ stop
Stop
Won't you just stop
Looking through me ♪
♪ cause I can't take it
No I can't take it ♪
♪ you see right through me
How do you do that?
How do you do that? ♪
♪ how do you do that?
How do you, how do you
How do you, how do you ♪
♪ how do you ♪
♪ you see right through me
You see right through me
Baby ♪
♪ you see right through me
You see right through me ♪
♪ do that
Do that
Do that, baby? ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> good evening.
I'm seth meyers.
Here are tonight's top stories.
>>> in egypt tens of thousands
Of protesters angry with the
Policies of hosni mubarak
Clashed with police in what was
Called a day of rage.
Sort of like what we have here
Every time the mcrib goes away
Again.
[ laughter ]
>>> representative michele
Bachmann this week created a
Controversy when she said in a
Speech that the founding fathers
Worked tirelessly until slavery
Was no more.
Apparently she spent her high
School history class looking off
To the right of the blackboard.
[ laughter ]
>>> president obama on Tuesday
Delivered the state of the union
Address.
America's annual opportunity to
Half heartedly applaud the idea
Of solar panels.
"yeah, okay.
Never going to happen."
During his speech, president
Obama also called on americans
To do big things, so get ready
For the new kfc triple down.
[ laughter ]
>>> this week comcast officially
Took control of nbc universal,
And I have to say, things are
Better already.
Seriously, I have to say that.
[ laughter ]
>>> this week despite riots and
Calls for his resignation,
Egyptian president hosni mubarak
Refused to step down and has
Fired his entire cabinet.
Here to explain, and I can't
Believe we got him to come all
The way here, egyptian president
Hosni mubarak.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> thank you, seth.
This is a very difficult time
For everyone.
People in egypt are very, very
Upset.
>> yes, and they're upset
Because they want you to resign,
Correct?
>> no, seth, they love me.
[ laughter ]
They are upset because the
Internet is down.
They can't check their e-mails
And the blogs.
It's very frustrating.
>> no the internet is down
Because your government shut it
Down.
>> what?
No, no, no, no, no.
The minute the internet went
Out, my administration launched
Into action and got it right
Back up and running.
>> what did you do?
>> we called time warner, and
They gave us a four-hour window
From noon to 4:00 in which they
Promised to come and service the
Problem.
So I wait around, and I wait
Around, and at like 3:55 I have
To run to a meeting, and sure
Enough, that's when they show
Up.
Mr. President, come on.
>> time warner is more like take
Your time warner.
[ laughter ]
That's my doorman's joke.
>> look, I feel like we're
Getting off track.
I mean, do you intend to stay in
Power?
>> I have been the
Democratically elected leader of
Egypt for 30 years.
>> how can you be in power for
30 years in a democracy?
>> I am beloved.
My profl rate something 115%.
Numbers don't lie.
>> I feel like you're missing
The signals.
>> egyptians have never been
Great with signals.
Read the bible.
We needed ten plagues before we
Let the israelites go, ten.
We have locusts.
Toads raining from the sky,
Rivers turning into blood, and
Still we were like, let's see
How this plays out.
Excuse me, but not to worried
About a couple guys in adidas
Sweatshirts throwing bricks.
If I resign, what am I going do?
I have been an egyptian
President for 30 years.
Is there another egypt that
Needs a president that I don't
Know about?
That is why I'm willing to take
The following steps to prove
That I am willing to change.
Number one, I'm firing my
Cabinet.
>> good.
>> tow, I'm hiring a new cabinet
Made up of fired members of my
Old cabinet.
[ laughter ]
>> is that it?
>> yes again.
>> oh, no.
Mr. President hosni mubarak!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> representative dennis
Kucinich has filed a lawsuit
Against the cafeteria in the
House of representatives, saying
That he suffered dental damage
From a sandwich wrap that
Contained an unpitted olive.
And just think, that guy was
This close to being our
President.
Charlie sheen on Thursday was
Taken to the hospital suffering
From an aggravated hernia after
He reportedly spent more than 24
Hours partying with five women
And a briefcase full of cocaine.
It was a smart move keeping the
Cocaine in a briefcase because
Then if anyone saw him, they'd
Definitely think there goes
Charlie sheen with some
Paperwork.
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
That 50-year-old man with
Sunglasses and cargo shorts must
Be going to an important
Meeting.
[ laughter ]
It was noted for the first time
In super bowl history, neither
Of the teams competing have
Cheerleaders.
No word yet on how players from
Either team will remember to go.
Olympic olympic
[ laughter ]
Green bay had cheerleaders at
One point, but stopped after
1965's tragic frozen human pir
Rid incident.
Two women in new york are suing
The trendy standard hotel
Alleging that they were fired
From their waitressing jobs for
Not being willowy, svelte, and
Statuesque.
Though I think they got fired
For spending their work hours
Reading a thesaurus.
[ laughter ]
>>> scientists are saying
Elderly people are having
Trouble driving because they
Don't focus on things in the
Foreround and instead focus on
Interracial couples on the
Sidewalk.
The oscar nominations were
Announced this week.
Here to comment, and I have been
Asked to read it this way, tyler
Perry presents tyler perry.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> oh!
Hello, seth.
Hello, everyone.
I'm tyler perry.
Well, the oscar nominations are
Out and once again I was left
Out.
Not one nomination.
Poor, poor tyler perry.
Oh, money everywhere.
But, you know, I have 28 essence
Awards.
That's three more than holly
Robinson peete, but no oscar
Nominations.
So I have been studying the kind
Of movies that get nominated.
There's "the social network"
About a group of harvard kids
Fighting over billions of
Dollars, or "the king's speech"
About a rich king who is
Embarrassed when talking in
Front of people.
These are the type of win win
Low stakes situations I call
White people problems.
[ laughter ]
Meanwhile, I have been doing
Movies about overcoming drug
Addiction, marital infidelity,
And dealing with life in prison.
All featuring a big sassy woman
In a housecoat.
And all I've got to show for it
Is $800 million.
>>> but, tier, have you ever
Really tried to make an oscar
Movie?
>> oh, absolutely, seth.
I thought "for colored girls"
Was going to be my oscar picture
Until later someone pointed out
That the title reminded people
Of a sign next to a water
Fountain in the 1950s.
Never even crossed my mind.
My best friend is oprah.
[ laughter ]
My next movie is guaranteed to
Get some oscar notice.
It's about a brilliant student
In north carolina who creates
The top african-american social
Networking site in the world.
It's called "tyler perry
Presents I can do internet all
By myself."
[ laughter ]
The film stars jesse eisenberg,
A seasoned veteran of white
People movies like
"adventureland," where a young
Man is stabbed because he has a
Job.
[ laughter ]
It features my alter ego madea
As his sassy but wise roommate.
>> so is it a drama or a comedy?
>> well, seth, like all of my
Movies, it makes wild swings
From broad comedy into
Dismal melodrama.
Do you think that's a little
Strange?
Maybe so.
Maybe 20 million tyler perry
Fans are wrong.
Excuse me.
Have some money, seth.
There you go.
I own an island.
So please mark your calendars
For "I can do internet all by
Myself."
It's got jesse eisenberg, madea,
And cicely tyson as bill gates.
Your move, academy.
>> tyler perry, everyone!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> that's for you.
>> thank you.
>> so much money.
>>> according to new research,
Couples who have been together
For more than 20 years can still
Be just as much in love as
People who are at the beginning
Stages of a relationship.
The keys are a healthy sex life
And making sure your spouse
Doesn't find out about your
Healthy sex life.
>>> a woman in argentina who was
Trying to commit suicide
Survived after she jumped from
The 23rd floor of a hotel and
Landed on a taxi, and you know
That if it happened in new york,
Someone would have yelled, "hey,
That's my cab!"
>>> it was reported lady gaga is
Developing her own fragrance.
She wants to smell like semen
And blood.
The new fragrance will be called
Hotel mattress.
Excuse me, are you wearing hotel
Mattress?
No?
So it's just semen and blood?
It was very nice meeting you.
>>> mtv announced that the
Fourth season of "jersey shore"
Will take place in Italy, which,
God willing, will segue into an
Awesome episode of locked up
Abroad.
>> I'm seth meyers.
Good night!
>>> you're watching turner
Classic movies.
>> welcome to "the essentials."
I'm robert osbourne.
Tonight, we take a journey
Through one of my favorite
Genres, 1970s blacksploitation
Horror films.
There are so many classics from
The era.
"blackula," "the black creature
From the black lagoon," and, of
Course, "the phantom of the
Apollo."
[ laughter ]
But perhaps one of the most
Memorable was the 1972 classic,
"the bride of blackenstein."
Let's take a look.
♪
>> blackenstein!
You were my greatest creation,
The coolest, baddest, blackest
Monster on the face of the
Earth!
>> arr.
>> and tonight as I promised, I
Will give you a bride!
>> arr?
>> igor!
>> yes, master?
>> it's time to pull the switch
For the bride of blackenstein,
Baby.
It's alive!
It's damn!
>> she's beautiful, master!
And I'm sure the swelling in her
Backside will go down soon.
>> oh, it better not.
That booty is a piece of modern
Science.
>> that's why you had me fill
Those two basketballs with
Jell-o.
>> double dribble.
>> you think people will like
That?
>> like it?
They'll love it.
Just look at blackenstein.
>> that's what I'm talking
About.
[ laughter ]
He's about to get his groove on.
>> oh, no, he is not!
>> she speaks.
She speaks!
>> uh-oh, that's not good.
[ laughter ]
>> you think you can just walk
Up on me and get some of this?
I mean all of this?
>> no, no.
I mean --
>> arr!
>> arr?
Don't you say "arr" to me.
I know you can talk.
And the first words out your
Mouth better be "I'm getting a
Job."
[ laughter ]
>> igor, man, where did you get
That brain?
>> from a woman who had just
Died.
>> what kind of woman?
>> she worked at the dmv.
[ laughter ]
>> and what about the
Fingernails?
>> from a cashier at walgreens.
>> and where did you get the
Mouth?
>> from a ho who didn't know her
Place.
[ laughter ]
>> and where did you get her
Hair?
>> excuse me, this hair is real.
>> okay, okay.
>> very nice hair.
>> come on, baby.
I just need some loving from my
Bride.
>> bride?
Bride?
Did you get me an invisible
Ring, because I don't see
Nothing on my finger.
You don't know me.
I ain't never met you.
You taking me to dinner first or
Something.
Come on now.
>> but I had plans tonight.
I'm going out with wolfman and
The mummy.
>> that smelly ass dog person
And old mr. Bandage?
Uh-uh, no way.
No way.
They're my friends, baby.
>> not no more.
From now on I'm your friend.
And I barely even like you.
>> master, I don't understand.
Why doesn't he just tell her
He's a man and she should do as
He says?
>> have you ever been with a
Sister?
>> no!
>> then you wouldn't understand.
>> I have just been with jewish
Girls.
>> okay.
Then you kind of understand.
[ laughter ]
>> master, look.
There's an angry mob!
>> oh-oh!
>> we need to hide.
Yes, we need to hide the bride.
>> I'm not hiding.
I'm going out.
It's check day.
I got an outfit on.
I want to dance, baby.
>>> let's get it.
>> we know what you have been
Doing dr. Blackenstein and it
Ends --
>> I think we're going to see
Some werewolves tonight, because
That's a full moon.
>> what are you looking at?
>> nothing, baby.
>> are you checking out the
Bride of blackenstein's rear
End?
>> no way, baby.
You know I like my booty like
Yours.
Flat and shapeless.
[ laughter ]
>> good!
>> excuse me.
Are y'all the police?
Because y'all don't have a
Warrant I'm going to need you to
Get up out ever my castle now.
>> her castle?
>> see what I mean?
>> that's right, it's my castle
Now.
And next week my auntie is
Coming to stay with us.
And she has a bad foot, so she's
Going to need a room by the
Toilet, okay?
>> master, is an ass like that
Really worth all the trouble?
>> oh, it's worth it.
Just look at it.
♪ bride of blackenstein
Baby got back in time ♪
♪ bride of blackenstein ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the whole movie.
[ laughter ]
Tune in next week for the 1964
Blacksploitation antiwar satire,
"dr. Strangefunk: Or how I
Learned to stop being a jive
Turkey and love that juicy
Booty."
[ laughter ]
For "the essentials," I'm
Robert osbourne.
You dig?
♪
>> you're watching mtv.
Shut up!
>> what's up?
I'm the head of programming at
Mtv.
Impressed much?
You should be, 'cause I'm the
Genius behind our new sexy teen
Show, "skins."
Now, some people are upset or
Whatever because we showed like
A bunch of fourth graders having
Sex and --
[ laughter ]
Doing heroin or something.
I don't know.
I haven't seen it.
'cause I'm bad at my job!
[ laughter ]
Anyway, 'cause of all the
Controversy and child porn laws
We broke, weave lost a lot of
Sponsors.
We lost footlocker.
We lost subway sandwiches, so
Good.
[ laughter ]
And we lost wrigley -- like the
Field, I guess.
[ laughter ]
And we lost l'oreal, you know,
French oreos.
[ laughter ]
Guess what though?
It's mine.
Guess what though?
We had to get some sponsors.
They couldn't afford
Commercials.
They could afford some sweet
Product placement so check it
Out on "skins."
>> cool party.
>> yeah.
>> it's sexy.
>> yeah.
We should probably take our
Shirts off.
>> yeah, we should.
But first, let's enjoy some of
This kennedy fried chicken.
[ light laughter ]
>> kennedy fried chicken?
>> looks sexy.
What's a bucket, like 50 bucks?
>> try 9 bucks and that includes
12 hot pieces of chicken, a
Steamy biscuit and some slutty
Mashed potatoes.
[ laughter ]
>> whoa.
All for 9 bucks?
Leaves plenty of extra money to
Buy cocaine.
[ laughter ]
>> speaking of which, cool
Cocaine.
>> oh.
You mean this awesome stuff?
Nah.
This is jenkins tooth powder.
It's so sexy.
>> hey cassie, hey trent.
Should we do a three-way?
>> yeah, but first, where'd you
Get that new car we saw you pull
Up in?
>> you mean my 2003 corolla?
It's not new but it's as good as
New, thanks to waltzer toyota,
Since 1991.
Waltz in with a little money,
Waltz out with a fabulous,
Gently-used car, at waltzer
Toyota.
>> just hearing about used cars
Makes me hella horny.
>> hey you underage hotties.
>> whoa, you're hot.
>> where did you get that hot
Sweater?
>> where else?
The sweater dump near route 25.
It's where people go to dutch
Their sweaters.
So what are we drinking?
>> only the best.
Jose cortez scented rubbing
Alcohol.
Look for the bottle with the
Cartoon duck on the front.
Goes perfect with clamato brand
Clam juice and a lime from the
New fruit section of c.P. Wang
Bodega, conveniently located
Under the on-ramp to the
Queensboro bridge.
"yeah, c.P. Wang, we sell fruit
Now ."
[ laughter ]
>> mm, sexy.
We should all have sex.
>> oh, do you have condoms?
>> only the best.
Trapper mcgee's squirrel skin
Condom.
It's like having sex with a
Squirrel skin.
Today.
>> that sounds great for young
Vaginas.
[ laughter ]
>> speaking of young vaginas,
Have you guys heard all this
Stuff about italian prime
Minister, silvio berlusconi?
>> yeah, it sounds totally bogus
>> it is.
And you can find out the truth
At www.Berlusconi is
Innocente.Net.
[ laughter ]
>> cool.
>> yeah, this is a cool party.
>> let's take our clothes off.
>> I'm 12.
[ laughter ]
>> so there it is.
From great britain, through a
Transatlantic sewer pipe, direct
To your children.
Mtv, the "m" stands for mmmaahh!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> relax and let all your cares
Drift away.
This is "spa talk" with your
Host tyler yonders.
>> why, hello.
Once again I'm tyler yonders.
Isn't stress gross?
Life is full of stress with cars
Honking, people pushing, and
Wrappers crinkling.
Here at "spa talk ", we show you
How to tackle your everyday
Problems through a range of
Holistic treatments.
My first guests are a married
Couple experiencing stress in
Their relationship.
Please welcome daniel and denise
Leeson.
Why don't I go get them now?
[ laughter ]
Oh, yes, please come in.
Sit down.
I'm going to be working with you
Today.
Have a seat.
Tell me the source of your
Stress.
>> well, the source of my stress
Is right over here.
>> don't put your hands on my
Face.
That's rude!
>> I'm sensing tension.
This will help.
>> what are you doing?!
>> spraying water all over your
Face.
It's energizing, right?
Do you feel better now?
>> no, I don't, because my wife
Is cheating on me.
>> all right.
I see what's going on.
What you need is a nice collagen
Boosting cream.
Of this will fix everything.
>> what would fix everything is
If my wife would stop sleeping
With our downstairs boarder.
I converted that basement for
Income, not so you can get your
Booty challenged.
>> what does it feel like when I
Do this?
Does this feel nice?
This feels good, right?
That helps, right?
>> I wouldn't be sleeping with
Lester if you hadn't laughed at
My mural!
>> painting the wall one color
Ain't no mural.
[ laughter ]
>> the collagen cream I used is
Made from almond extracts,
Vitamin "a," and bird doodle.
>> hold up.
Hold up.
Did I hear you correctly?
You been rubbing bird do do on
Our faces?
[ laughter ]
>> it's from --
[ bell rings ]
I'm sorry, that was the end of
Your session.
Hope you feel refreshed.
Good-bye.
Drink lots of water.
Weren't they great?
It's so nice to see the complete
Transformation.
Our next guests are a family
With a lot of stress.
I find that most people carry
Their stress in their shoulders
Or their hinds.
Please, let me go get the
Venettis.
Please, have a seat.
Sit down, have a seat.
Prepare to be pampered.
What's causing stress in your
Life?
>> my mom dresses like a tamp?
>> excuse me!
>> bras can be shirts, too.
>> what the hell is that?
>> she got kicked out of the
Grocery store.
>> it's a good thing you came to
Me.
Here, smell my fingers.
>> what are you doing?
[ laughter ]
>> this is an oil extract.
It's my own blend.
Myers lemon and renuz it.
[ laughter ]
>> can I say something?
I dress the way I do because I
Lost 238 pounds.
I'm proud of my body.
>> trimspa, baby!
Wait, why am I vibrating?
>> I'm turning on your vibrating
Chair.
Feel the jiggle.
Let the jiggle take you.
And just relax.
Relax while I swat you with this
Twig.
>> what is going on?
>> oh, yes.
Isn't it rejuvenating?
>> yesterday, she came to
School.
>> everyone could see your
Business.
>> only the short kids noticed.
>> if you don't like it, you can
Run away.
>> her bush was out for a full
Minute!
>> the twig I use to swat you
With is also from a bush.
A juniper bush.
>> this is the worst family I
Have ever had.
>> I know what this group needs.
Of a nice exfoliating scrub.
You need a fresh start.
Now, you might feel a tiny, tiny
Tingle or a big tingle or like
An acid face fire.
Enjoy.
What is this?
This stuff smells really nice?
>> this cream is a blend of
Marine salt, 12% glycolic acid
And turtle doodle.
>> wait a minute.
Did you put turtle poop on our
Faces?
>> this is unsanitary.
>> it's from geneva and it's
Organic.
Your time is up.
I hope you transport yourself to
Serenity.
Drink lots of water.
Okay.
Go on now.
Pay up front.
Weren't they great.
Oh, I enjoyed working on them,
And I believe they left her
Transformed.
And remember, when the world is
Stressing you out with a 50-hour
Workweek and crying babies and
People throwing brownies,
Remember, remember to always
Take time to pamper and refresh
And we'll be right back with
More "spa talk."
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> once again, mikki minaj.
♪ fly with the stars
In the skies
I am no longer
Trying to survive ♪
♪ I believe that life
Is a prize
But to live
Doesn't mean you're alive ♪
♪ don't worry about me
And who I fire
I get what I desire
It's my empire ♪
♪ and yes
I call the shots
I am the umpire ♪
♪ I sprinkle holy water
Upon the vampire
In this very moment
I'm king ♪
♪ in this very moment
I slayed goliath with a sling
This very moment I bring ♪
♪ put it on everything
That I will retire
With the ring ♪
♪ and I will retire
With the crown
Yes ♪
♪ no, I'm not lucky
I'm blessed
♪ yes ♪
♪ clap for the heavyweight
Champ
Me ♪
♪ but I couldn't do it
All alone, we
Young money raised me
Grew up out in baisley ♪
♪ southside jamaica
Queens and it's crazy
Cuz I'm still hood ♪
♪ hollywood
Couldn't change me
Shout out to my haters ♪
♪ sorry that
You couldn't faze me
Ain't being cocky.
We just vindicated ♪
♪ best believe that
When we done
This moment will be
Syndicated ♪
♪ I don't know
This night
Just remind me of ♪
♪ everything
They deprived me of
P-p-p-p-put your drinks up ♪
♪ it's a celebration
Every time we link up
We done did everything ♪
♪ they could think of
Gr-greatness
Is what we on the brink of ♪
♪ I wish that I could
Have this moment 4 life
4 life
4 life ♪
♪ cause in this moment
Just feel so alive
Alive
Alive ♪
♪ I wish that I could
Have this moment 4 life
4 life
4 life ♪
♪ this is my moment
I just feel so alive
Alive
Alive ♪
♪ this is my moment
I waited all night
If I could tell the time ♪
♪ missing the way I
Run with the sunset
I have become alive ♪
♪ I could have this moment
For life
For life ♪
♪ this is my moment
I just feel so alive
Alive
Alive ♪
♪ I wish that I could
Have this moment 4 life
4 life
4 life ♪
♪ this is my moment
I just feel so alive
Alive
Alive ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> the following is a paid
Advertisement.
>> hello.
I'm arthur perkins.
Does this always happen to you?
>> we can't have sex.
It's too big!
>> arthur, your penis is huge.
I hate that.
>> arthur perkins, your penis is
Just too big.
>> I used to deal with that all
The time.
Girls were constantly telling me
It was too big.
>> yeah, and I'm his friend
Randy and I had the same
Problem, too, all the time.
>> our penises were too big.
>> that's why we take
El shrinko.
>> el shrinko.
>> el shrinko is the first
Scientific pill that can shrink
Your wiener because it's too
Big.
>> it's too big.
>> if you saw our penises right
Now, you would think they were
Really small, like tiny.
That's because el shrinko works
Fast.
>> how does it work?
>> not yet.
>> sorry.
>> really fast.
>> how does it work?
>> you just take the pill like
We do and you will go from too
Big to just right.
[ laughter ]
>> yeah, and that's what the
Girls prefer, just ask them.
>> I heard arthur's penis used
To be really big.
But then I saw it, and it was
Really small.
It must have shrunk, and I like
That.
>> arthur's friend randy shrunk
His thingy.
What is this for?
Say it now?
El shrinko.
[ laughter ]
>> pretty convincing.
Plus, it comes in a discreet
Bottle that says el shrinko,
That way if a girl is over and
Accidentally sees the bottle on
Your coffee table she will know
That your wiener used to be way
Bigger until you took
El shrinko.
>> big weiners are for the
Birds.
>> are you guys talking about
El shrinko?
>> get out of here, gary!
Get out!
[ laughter ]
>> el shrinko.
>> el shrinko, it's why arthur
And randy's penises are so
Small.
[ cheers and applause ]
Minaj.
Thank you so much to mark
Zuckerberg.
Thank you so much for the cast
And crew.
[ cheers and applause ]