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The seven wonders
of the world...
2
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Christ the redeemer...
3
00:00:08,459 --> 00:00:11,260
The Taj Mahal...
4
00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,895
The great pyramids...
5
00:00:13,966 --> 00:00:17,002
truly man's
greatest achievements.
6
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But there's one man
who sees them differently.
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If that was on my road,
the council would be on it.
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They'd go, "Get that down.
It's a death trap."
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00:00:27,891 --> 00:00:29,291
Karl Pilkington.
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00:00:29,392 --> 00:00:32,060
It's like a pylon.
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I don't know
the politically correct term.
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"Moron," I think.
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He is a round, empty-headed,
chimp-like, manc moron.
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Buffoon, idiot.
Is that normal?
15
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And he's a friend.
16
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We've often described him
as being, like,
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00:00:48,378 --> 00:00:49,778
some kind of real-life
Homer Simpson.
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Homer is small-minded,
petty,
19
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but, at his core,
a good person.
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And lovable.
Absolutely lovable.
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It's like a game of Jenga
that's got out of hand.
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I can't get enough of him.
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Is everyone
gonna be wearing this?
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He's a typical
little Englander,
25
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and he doesn't like going out
of his comfort zone.
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My bollocks are squashed.
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I just think
that it would be amazing
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to send him around the world.
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What we'd like to see is him
experience other cultures,
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other peoples
and see if, in any way,
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we can change his outlook
on the world.
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I've been
to many exotic places.
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I genuinely think travel
broadens the mind.
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I want him to hate it.
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I want him to hate every minute
of it for my own amusement.
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Nothing is funnier
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00:01:33,756 --> 00:01:36,574
than Karl in a corner
being poked by a stick.
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I am that stick.
39
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And now I have the might
of Sky behind me.
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This is one of the funniest,
most expensive practical jokes
41
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I've ever done,
and it's gonna be great.
42
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Just let me go!
Jesus Christ.
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Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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All right?
45
00:02:00,471 --> 00:02:02,338
Yeah.
46
00:02:02,339 --> 00:02:03,417
I'm all right, yeah.
47
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What are we doing today?
48
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Just hanging around.
49
00:02:07,107 --> 00:02:09,642
You look nervous.
You look uneasy.
50
00:02:09,643 --> 00:02:11,310
I am a bit, yeah.
It's not normal, is it?
51
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What?
What isn't?
52
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You're asking me how me day is
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in a room full of people
I don't know.
54
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Yeah.
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Well, you're gonna
get to know them.
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You're gonna get to know them
really well.
57
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What, everywhere I go,
these lot are coming, are they?
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Yeah. Well, they've got to.
They got to film it.
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Otherwise,
you'd be by yourself,
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and we wouldn't see it
on the telly.
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Right, Karl.
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I'm very jealous
of your trip here, Karl,
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to the mighty
Great Wall of China.
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Well, you say that,
but how come I'm going
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and you're not doing any?
66
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Well, because, um...
We're executive producers.
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Yeah, we're busy.
We've got other stuff going on.
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So, out of all the places,
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this is the place
that I'm worried about most.
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Why?
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Just the way they live.
They're different.
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What, Chinese people?
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They just wreck everything.
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00:02:56,224 --> 00:02:57,825
They make everything weird.
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That's what I'm worried about.
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To you. To you.
I don't understand what you mean.
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Everything... chicken.
Why is it orange in Chinatown?
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Just the slightest thing.
The chicken is orange.
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Anything. Know what I mean?
Octopus.
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Toad.
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He just made that one up!
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No, say if I go over there.
I have a bit of toad.
83
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I go, "Do you know what?
Quite nice.
84
00:03:21,683 --> 00:03:23,384
That's nicer than chicken."
Yeah.
85
00:03:23,385 --> 00:03:24,552
It's gonna be pretty tough
86
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to get a bit of grilled toad
in this country.
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It could make me
sort of wish for stuff
88
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that I can no longer
get ahold of.
89
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Have you been listening to what
he's been saying there?
90
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That he's scared to go to China
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00:03:33,028 --> 00:03:34,395
in case he gets a taste
for toad.
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And then comes back
and can't get toad.
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So I just wanted to check that you heard that.
Yeah.
94
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The way they write...
the letters are weird.
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00:03:39,468 --> 00:03:41,068
Their alphabet's not like ours.
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That is like...
like someone testing out a biro.
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Everything's...
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There's no logic
to anything that they do.
99
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There i... there is!
100
00:03:50,111 --> 00:03:51,479
Of course
there's a logic to it!
101
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:52,913
The way they read a book,
it's all the other way around...
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From back to front
instead of front to back
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and up and down.
104
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Everything that we've done,
they've gone,
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"Right.
We're gonna do it weirder."
106
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That's how it comes across.
107
00:04:01,890 --> 00:04:04,391
Well, some would say
that they did it first.
108
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Their civilization beat ours
109
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by many, many hundreds of years,
but, anyway...
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Right. Off you go.
111
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See you when you get back.
112
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All right. See ya.
113
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A bit gray, isn't it?
114
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Is today a cloudy day,
or is this pollution?
115
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It's not worth having this
in HD, is it?
116
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Nothing looks crisp.
117
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Everything's sort of hazy.
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Like some sort of Kate Bush
video or something.
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Can anyone speak English?
120
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Does he want to give us a lift?
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English? Do you
want to give us a ride?
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Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
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00:05:12,527 --> 00:05:14,261
Hi.
124
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Doesn't seem to work
when you smile at people.
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Nothing. Nothing.
Blank.
126
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So I don't know if smiling
means smiling here.
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I mean, if they don't
understand me language
128
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and they don't understand
me expressions,
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I don't know what I've got
to communicate with.
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Hi.
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Nothing. Nothing.
I got nothing then.
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I don't think I've ever
felt this lost.
133
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Even in Wales.
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See what I mean here, though,
about things not being normal?
135
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You know, I get off a plane all
sort of aching and jet-lagged.
136
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I thought, "I know. I'll have
a massage. That'll be nice."
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Massage.
Massage?
138
00:05:47,228 --> 00:05:48,362
Hai.
139
00:05:48,363 --> 00:05:49,763
I'm never gonna get
to where I'm going.
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I haven't been to bed yet.
It is nice, though, to be fair.
141
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That isn't...
that isn't good.
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Ha ha!
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Ha ha!
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Ha ha!
145
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Ha ha.
146
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Hell. I mean, what...
was that a massage?
147
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,514
I don't know.
Or was I just being mugged?
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Ha ha! Ho!
149
00:06:12,721 --> 00:06:14,722
Well, I'm just
trying to find the hotel
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00:06:14,723 --> 00:06:17,391
that Ricky and Steve
have sorted out for me.
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00:06:17,392 --> 00:06:20,828
I'm not expecting that much,
if I'm honest with you.
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I've got a room.
Pilkington.
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Nice.
154
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It's compact, isn't it?
Yes.
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It's cozy.
It feels chinesey.
156
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Yeah, it is.
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Those slippers...
They're mine?
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Mm-hmm.
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Quite Chinese, aren't they?
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Behind the cloth,
you have a TV.
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Any English?
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No. Only Chinese.
163
00:06:39,581 --> 00:06:41,649
Okay.
Thanks. Ta.
164
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Quite like this touch.
165
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:47,054
Suzanne wants a fish,
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00:06:47,055 --> 00:06:49,323
so I'll have to let her know
that I've got a couple.
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I mean, that is for sort of
company, isn't it?
168
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It's not... it's not some sort
of appetizer, that, is it?
169
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That's handy.
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00:06:55,997 --> 00:07:00,100
You know, I said the Chinese
always come up with inventions.
171
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They're quite futuristic
with their ideas.
172
00:07:03,138 --> 00:07:05,806
That's all right, isn't it?
Little radio with headlights.
173
00:07:05,807 --> 00:07:07,975
I don't know
when you'd need that.
174
00:07:07,976 --> 00:07:10,678
I mean,
the whole beauty of radio is,
175
00:07:10,679 --> 00:07:13,580
you know, you can listen to it
in the dark.
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00:07:13,581 --> 00:07:14,915
I mean, if that was
on the "Dragons' Den,"
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00:07:14,916 --> 00:07:18,385
you'd say, "I'm out,"
wouldn't you?
178
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I'm just gonna go and have
a wander about, I think,
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00:07:22,857 --> 00:07:25,192
'cause there's nothing else
to do, so I might as well,
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you know, at least try and see
a bit of the place,
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00:07:26,761 --> 00:07:28,195
mix with the locals.
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And, you know, that's what
Ricky and Steve want, isn't it?
183
00:07:31,566 --> 00:07:32,766
They want to see
how I can handle meself
184
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with some foreigners.
185
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- Karl.
- "Ka."
186
00:07:38,606 --> 00:07:41,008
"Kar."
"Ka."
187
00:07:41,009 --> 00:07:42,176
"Kar."
Karl.
188
00:07:42,177 --> 00:07:43,510
Yeah.
"L"... Karl.
189
00:07:43,511 --> 00:07:45,612
"Karla." "Karla."
Karl.
190
00:07:45,613 --> 00:07:47,715
Not "Karla."
Just "Karl."
191
00:07:47,716 --> 00:07:49,416
Karl.
Oh, Karl, Karl. Yeah.
192
00:07:49,417 --> 00:07:51,218
Karl.
Karl.
193
00:07:51,219 --> 00:07:52,219
Karl?
"Karlo."
194
00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:53,887
No. No, no. No.
195
00:07:53,888 --> 00:07:55,222
"Kar."
No.
196
00:07:55,223 --> 00:07:57,891
Karl.
"Karlo."
197
00:07:57,892 --> 00:07:59,460
You don't need to add...
198
00:07:59,461 --> 00:08:01,962
Like this in your country...
the "shasha be-ya."
199
00:08:01,963 --> 00:08:04,164
"Shasha be-ya." You look.
"Shasha be-ya."
200
00:08:04,165 --> 00:08:06,133
"Shasha be-ya."
"Shas be-ya."
201
00:08:06,134 --> 00:08:07,601
Yeah. Chinese...
202
00:08:07,602 --> 00:08:10,938
Shakespeare.
"Shas-ber."
203
00:08:10,939 --> 00:08:12,673
Good!
204
00:08:12,674 --> 00:08:13,841
Yeah, "Hamlet."
205
00:08:13,842 --> 00:08:15,843
It's just breaking it up
a little bit.
206
00:08:15,844 --> 00:08:17,010
"Karl."
Yeah, yeah.
207
00:08:17,011 --> 00:08:18,278
I'm Kar-l-l.
208
00:08:18,279 --> 00:08:19,446
"Kar."
209
00:08:19,447 --> 00:08:21,615
It's not "Kar."
It's "Karl."
210
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,655
Yeah, it smells more chinesey,
now, doesn't it?
211
00:08:28,656 --> 00:08:30,991
Sort of sweet and sour.
212
00:08:33,795 --> 00:08:36,296
That's good, isn't it?
It's not dead.
213
00:08:36,297 --> 00:08:38,432
That's dead, isn't it?
214
00:08:38,433 --> 00:08:41,001
Are they dead?
Are they toads?
215
00:08:41,002 --> 00:08:44,037
So, I don't get it.
Are they alive in that bag?
216
00:08:44,038 --> 00:08:45,739
Yeah.
217
00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:46,940
Why aren't they legging it?
218
00:08:46,941 --> 00:08:49,276
He's got, like,
a Sainsbury's bag full of toads.
219
00:08:49,277 --> 00:08:50,511
He rips them out,
cuts their head off,
220
00:08:50,512 --> 00:08:51,879
sticks them in another bin bag.
221
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,180
I don't even know what that is.
222
00:08:53,181 --> 00:08:55,516
I mean, it looks like
a load of condoms
223
00:08:55,517 --> 00:08:57,217
in jam and water or something.
224
00:08:57,218 --> 00:08:58,852
I mean, it's weird
how he's got it sat there
225
00:08:58,853 --> 00:09:00,220
as if that's meant
to tempt you in.
226
00:09:02,757 --> 00:09:04,324
Well, the idea was, you know,
227
00:09:04,325 --> 00:09:06,994
that I'd nip out,
get a little snack
228
00:09:06,995 --> 00:09:08,428
'cause Ricky and Steve said,
"Yeah, try everything out.
229
00:09:08,429 --> 00:09:10,297
You know,
do what the locals do,"
230
00:09:10,298 --> 00:09:12,166
but there's no way
I'm eating this stuff.
231
00:09:13,935 --> 00:09:18,472
Scorpion, sea horse, cockroach,
silkworm, caterpillar.
232
00:09:18,473 --> 00:09:19,807
This looks like
they custard creams on a stick,
233
00:09:19,808 --> 00:09:22,142
as well, at the end.
234
00:09:22,143 --> 00:09:24,812
Just anything on a stick.
Whatever you want on a stick.
235
00:09:26,915 --> 00:09:28,982
I just don't understand
why they're eating all this.
236
00:09:28,983 --> 00:09:32,452
I mean, at home, restaurants
would get closed down
237
00:09:32,453 --> 00:09:33,887
for having a cockroach
in the kitchen.
238
00:09:33,888 --> 00:09:36,123
Yet here, it's a starter.
239
00:09:36,124 --> 00:09:37,858
I didn't know it'd be like this.
240
00:09:37,859 --> 00:09:40,027
I didn't think it'd be
this mental, really,
241
00:09:40,028 --> 00:09:42,362
in the food department.
242
00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:45,332
There's a woman over there
just tucking in on a...
243
00:09:45,333 --> 00:09:47,034
Bunch of scorpions.
244
00:09:47,035 --> 00:09:49,837
It's kind of like she's just
having a bit of a chicken leg.
245
00:09:49,838 --> 00:09:53,006
Not a problem. Just...
just shoving them in her face.
246
00:09:53,007 --> 00:09:55,609
She looks at it
before she puts it in her mouth
247
00:09:55,610 --> 00:09:57,878
like, "Oh, yeah.
Which bit will I have first?
248
00:09:57,879 --> 00:09:59,379
The head or the ass?"
249
00:09:59,380 --> 00:10:01,215
I mean, as she's eating one
off one stick,
250
00:10:01,216 --> 00:10:02,549
she's looking
at the other stick.
251
00:10:02,550 --> 00:10:04,151
She can't get enough of them.
Her eyes...
252
00:10:04,152 --> 00:10:05,586
It's like
they're doughnuts to her.
253
00:10:05,587 --> 00:10:06,987
She's looking at them,
she's going,
254
00:10:06,988 --> 00:10:08,655
"Oh, look at that one there.
That one looks nice."
255
00:10:08,656 --> 00:10:10,757
You see,
I don't know where it stops.
256
00:10:10,758 --> 00:10:13,927
Where's the line
between food and insect?
257
00:10:13,928 --> 00:10:16,163
If she gets up in the morning,
258
00:10:16,164 --> 00:10:18,165
there's a spider in the bath,
what does she do?
259
00:10:18,166 --> 00:10:20,267
"Oh, good. I'll leave
the croissant for tomorrow.
260
00:10:20,268 --> 00:10:23,270
I'll eat that now."
261
00:10:25,006 --> 00:10:27,007
What's he eating?
262
00:10:27,008 --> 00:10:31,011
Oh, God.
What sort of egg is that?
263
00:10:31,012 --> 00:10:34,615
No, it's a fetus...
Inside an egg.
264
00:10:34,616 --> 00:10:36,750
A fetus?
265
00:10:39,287 --> 00:10:41,722
I don't want any.
266
00:10:41,723 --> 00:10:43,657
Just for people watching
who don't know, he's with us,
267
00:10:43,658 --> 00:10:46,760
you know, helping drive the bus
and what have you.
268
00:10:46,761 --> 00:10:49,463
He seems like a normal bloke.
269
00:10:49,464 --> 00:10:51,164
I mean, eating a fetus.
270
00:10:51,165 --> 00:10:54,234
Not even waiting
for the thing to be born
271
00:10:54,235 --> 00:10:56,870
and to live a bit
and then eat it.
272
00:10:56,871 --> 00:10:58,171
I mean, a fetus.
273
00:11:00,842 --> 00:11:03,577
Only been here for a bit,
I'm running out of these.
274
00:11:03,578 --> 00:11:05,178
I got three more packets left.
275
00:11:05,179 --> 00:11:07,614
But, you know,
the weird thing is,
276
00:11:07,615 --> 00:11:09,216
I'm the freak here, aren't I?
277
00:11:09,217 --> 00:11:11,852
Everyone else is eating that.
I'm eating these.
278
00:11:11,853 --> 00:11:13,020
I'm the odd one out.
279
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:23,931
Had my name done.
That says "Karl."
280
00:11:23,932 --> 00:11:26,266
Could be that way.
Could be that way.
281
00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:28,535
I don't know.
It's one or the other.
282
00:11:28,536 --> 00:11:30,704
Could be that way.
Let's face it.
283
00:11:30,705 --> 00:11:32,739
I don't know.
Could be any way.
284
00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:35,108
I'm sure if you, you know...
If you're Chinese
285
00:11:35,109 --> 00:11:36,376
and you're watching this,
286
00:11:36,377 --> 00:11:38,412
you know if I got it
the right way up.
287
00:11:38,413 --> 00:11:43,050
There you go.
That says "Karl."
288
00:11:43,051 --> 00:11:45,385
I mean, I haven't got Suzanne
a gift yet.
289
00:11:45,386 --> 00:11:46,820
I could just give her this
290
00:11:46,821 --> 00:11:49,489
and say, "Yeah, it says 'Suzanne, ' that."
291
00:11:49,490 --> 00:11:51,658
She wouldn't know.
292
00:11:58,665 --> 00:12:01,667
Well, I'm here
to see the Great Wall, aren't I?
293
00:12:01,668 --> 00:12:03,464
You know, one of the wonders
of the world,
294
00:12:03,465 --> 00:12:05,799
but I'm just not in the mood,
honestly.
295
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:09,670
I'm still knackered.
I'm still jet-lagged.
296
00:12:09,671 --> 00:12:12,339
And just...
just the weirdness of China.
297
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:13,674
That tires you out, too.
298
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:17,778
What's all the noise out there?
299
00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:22,482
It's like 1:00 in the morning
at home.
300
00:12:22,483 --> 00:12:25,085
I've got a message.
301
00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:47,574
All right, enjoy.
302
00:12:47,575 --> 00:12:50,744
Do people
really believe that here?
303
00:12:50,745 --> 00:12:55,415
I mean, are people taking kids
in and saying to him,
304
00:12:55,416 --> 00:12:57,784
"Right, here's me kid.
305
00:12:57,785 --> 00:12:59,353
What's his future
gonna be like?"
306
00:12:59,354 --> 00:13:01,922
'Cause his life is gonna be
a load of shit anyway.
307
00:13:01,923 --> 00:13:03,924
End it. Do him a favor.
308
00:13:03,925 --> 00:13:05,792
But then it doesn't always
work like that.
309
00:13:05,793 --> 00:13:07,227
That's what I mean with fate.
310
00:13:07,228 --> 00:13:09,629
I didn't do that well at school.
I left with an "e" in history.
311
00:13:09,630 --> 00:13:11,331
So, see,
if my dad knew that, he'd go,
312
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,767
"Right, get the brick,"
and that would be the end of it.
313
00:13:13,768 --> 00:13:15,268
Whereas I've done all right.
314
00:13:15,269 --> 00:13:18,605
I've got a job.
I'm paying me way in life.
315
00:13:20,074 --> 00:13:22,743
I have got a bit
of a problem with this.
316
00:13:22,744 --> 00:13:25,212
A mate has sent me
to have this done.
317
00:13:25,213 --> 00:13:27,314
I'm not happy about it, really.
318
00:13:27,315 --> 00:13:30,317
I sort of think
I'm better off not knowing.
319
00:13:30,318 --> 00:13:32,352
If something bad's
gonna happen,
320
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:34,788
I'd prefer it just to happen
without having a warning.
321
00:13:36,591 --> 00:13:37,924
Time... time I was born.
322
00:13:39,627 --> 00:13:42,129
A palm pilot. I didn't expect
him to have a palm pilot.
323
00:13:42,130 --> 00:13:43,563
Quite futuristic.
324
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,335
Do you know
who Bruce Springsteen is?
325
00:13:48,336 --> 00:13:50,103
He's got the same birth date
as me.
326
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,341
I don't know
what you're talking about.
327
00:13:54,342 --> 00:13:56,209
I'm concentrating
on calculating your future.
328
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:58,412
All right.
329
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:07,387
You have to pay attention
to your health
330
00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:10,023
because you've got
some sort of heart problem.
331
00:14:10,024 --> 00:14:12,192
Oh, here we go.
332
00:14:12,193 --> 00:14:15,695
What sort of heart problem?
333
00:14:15,696 --> 00:14:18,532
Something to do
with your heart blood vessel.
334
00:14:18,533 --> 00:14:22,702
It's weird, that, 'cause me dad
had a problem with his heart.
335
00:14:22,703 --> 00:14:24,771
And they say
it runs in the family.
336
00:14:24,772 --> 00:14:26,907
So is it gonna kill me, then?
337
00:14:29,177 --> 00:14:30,444
90%.
338
00:14:30,445 --> 00:14:31,812
90%?
339
00:14:31,813 --> 00:14:33,146
Mm.
340
00:14:33,147 --> 00:14:37,784
Brilliant.
341
00:14:37,785 --> 00:14:40,053
But maybe we can change it.
342
00:14:40,054 --> 00:14:42,889
Although you have
some health problem,
343
00:14:42,890 --> 00:14:45,892
we're gonna do
a ceremony for you.
344
00:14:45,893 --> 00:14:47,861
But you do need to write
a confession
345
00:14:47,862 --> 00:14:49,162
about what you did wrong.
346
00:14:49,163 --> 00:14:51,331
Something I did wrong.
347
00:14:51,332 --> 00:14:53,500
Something I did wrong
in the past.
348
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:54,968
Mm.
349
00:14:54,969 --> 00:14:56,303
Did wrong.
350
00:15:01,642 --> 00:15:04,978
You need to write
three confessions
351
00:15:04,979 --> 00:15:07,080
on those three pieces of paper.
352
00:15:07,081 --> 00:15:08,548
All right.
353
00:15:10,251 --> 00:15:12,719
When I lived in the other flat,
354
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,822
there was a fellow who used to
live in it called Bruce,
355
00:15:15,823 --> 00:15:19,259
and he used to get his post,
and I'd open it.
356
00:15:19,260 --> 00:15:20,660
It was his old flat.
357
00:15:20,661 --> 00:15:23,763
I kept getting posts for him
years after he'd moved out.
358
00:15:23,764 --> 00:15:25,999
See, it's meant to be bad,
though, isn't it?
359
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,336
Carl Grimshaw...
I put putty in his hair,
360
00:15:29,337 --> 00:15:31,671
and he had to
have his head shaved.
361
00:15:31,672 --> 00:15:33,507
That's a bit tight, wasn't it?
362
00:15:33,508 --> 00:15:35,842
And he had a funny-shaped head,
so he looked really bad.
363
00:15:35,843 --> 00:15:37,544
I'll put that down.
364
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:43,416
Carl Grimshaw
for putting putty in his hair.
365
00:15:43,417 --> 00:15:46,586
So, I worked at
this bloke's shop, called Bob.
366
00:15:46,587 --> 00:15:49,723
I was his best paperboy.
367
00:15:49,724 --> 00:15:51,258
So I'd collate all me papers,
368
00:15:51,259 --> 00:15:53,226
get them all...
get them all ready,
369
00:15:53,227 --> 00:15:54,327
stick them in me bag.
370
00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:55,695
When he wasn't looking,
371
00:15:55,696 --> 00:15:58,298
I'd just sort of take a Mars
bar, slip it up me sleeve.
372
00:15:58,299 --> 00:15:59,633
Off we go.
373
00:15:59,634 --> 00:16:05,138
So, every day, seven a week
for about...Two years.
374
00:16:05,139 --> 00:16:08,141
Lot of Mars bars. I know that.
That's why it's on here.
375
00:16:08,142 --> 00:16:10,277
It's always been playing
on me mind, that.
376
00:16:10,278 --> 00:16:12,112
'Cause I since found out
that shop
377
00:16:12,113 --> 00:16:14,681
doesn't make that much money
from delivering papers.
378
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:16,449
Hiya.
379
00:16:20,488 --> 00:16:23,323
This is a healing process.
380
00:16:24,892 --> 00:16:28,128
Now everything gonna be fine.
381
00:16:28,129 --> 00:16:31,898
The other two papers, one needs
to be put on top of a mountain.
382
00:16:31,899 --> 00:16:35,402
The other one
needs to be put in the sea.
383
00:16:35,403 --> 00:16:37,904
It will help you
to cleanse your soul.
384
00:16:37,905 --> 00:16:41,641
Again, thanks a lot.
385
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:46,980
Just give us a second.
386
00:16:46,981 --> 00:16:48,682
Give us a sec.
387
00:16:53,988 --> 00:16:56,957
You are kidding me.
388
00:16:56,958 --> 00:16:59,793
You seen this?
389
00:16:59,794 --> 00:17:03,463
See the things?
There's no doors or anything.
390
00:17:03,464 --> 00:17:04,664
Soon as you open the door,
391
00:17:04,665 --> 00:17:06,633
you could just get
a full view of someone.
392
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,234
I mean, if it was here,
393
00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:10,437
it's more understandable,
isn't it?
394
00:17:10,438 --> 00:17:11,972
Because if you sat here,
395
00:17:11,973 --> 00:17:15,542
and at least people come in and
you'd go, "So I'm in this one."
396
00:17:15,543 --> 00:17:18,445
It's a bit weird
to just sort of wander in and...
397
00:17:18,446 --> 00:17:20,213
I mean, they've made this bit.
398
00:17:20,214 --> 00:17:22,882
Why not just finish it up
with a door on it?
399
00:17:22,883 --> 00:17:26,119
They've done the hard bit.
Couple of hinges and a door.
400
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:27,787
And there's no toilet paper.
401
00:17:27,788 --> 00:17:28,955
What do they do?
402
00:17:28,956 --> 00:17:31,558
Do they just pull up their pants
and walk off?
403
00:17:31,559 --> 00:17:32,859
Is that what you do?
404
00:17:32,860 --> 00:17:35,228
I'm not here to say they
should be using toilet paper.
405
00:17:35,229 --> 00:17:36,496
It's not right.
406
00:17:36,497 --> 00:17:38,264
If that's not what they do,
that's not what they do.
407
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:39,933
But it's just...
I didn't know that.
408
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:42,135
I didn't think China
was gonna be like this.
409
00:17:42,136 --> 00:17:43,903
I thought
it was gonna be more...
410
00:17:43,904 --> 00:17:46,573
Like I said, I thought it was
where they made the iPod.
411
00:17:46,574 --> 00:17:48,108
I think I've got the wrong place
412
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,610
because this ain't a place
where they need an iPod.
413
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:51,878
Have a toilet roll first.
414
00:17:51,879 --> 00:17:53,079
I mean, it's weird.
415
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,548
'Cause whenever
you buy stuff like that,
416
00:17:55,549 --> 00:17:58,418
toilet rollovers and stuff,
it says "Made in China."
417
00:17:58,419 --> 00:18:00,153
Why ain't they using them, then?
418
00:18:00,154 --> 00:18:02,489
That's odd, isn't it?
419
00:18:02,490 --> 00:18:04,424
So he's got to leave the house,
he's got to go,
420
00:18:04,425 --> 00:18:05,592
"Do I feel like one today?
421
00:18:05,593 --> 00:18:07,460
"I might do.
I have a bit of a dicky belly.
422
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,496
I best get me seat."
Everyone who's walking past
423
00:18:09,497 --> 00:18:11,698
knows he's gonna have a shit
at some point today.
424
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,199
I wouldn't like that.
425
00:18:19,373 --> 00:18:21,875
Do you know, like, how when I go
into a public toilet,
426
00:18:21,876 --> 00:18:23,743
you like to nip in with a coin
and open the door?
427
00:18:26,113 --> 00:18:27,847
Yeah, well,
you couldn't do that here
428
00:18:27,848 --> 00:18:29,582
'cause there no doors
on the toilets.
429
00:18:31,919 --> 00:18:34,754
They were filming some stuff
on the street,
430
00:18:34,755 --> 00:18:36,756
just, like, traffic and stuff.
431
00:18:36,757 --> 00:18:38,458
I said,
"I'm just nipping in here."
432
00:18:38,459 --> 00:18:40,627
Walked in, was greeted
by two fellas squatting.
433
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,263
They were chefs from the place
on the corner,
434
00:18:43,264 --> 00:18:44,397
so that's...
that's reassuring.
435
00:18:45,366 --> 00:18:46,499
Honest to God.
436
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,702
One of them was on the phone
taking an order.
437
00:18:48,703 --> 00:18:51,538
It was... it was really...
438
00:18:51,539 --> 00:18:53,006
I've never seen
anything like it.
439
00:18:53,007 --> 00:18:54,841
I don't think I could ever
get used to that.
440
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,843
You need to have your own space
when doing that,
441
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:58,678
and they're just there.
One's on the phone,
442
00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,513
the other one's just sort of
looking 'round.
443
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:03,750
Yeah.
Oh.
444
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:12,525
Well, it looked like he was
sort of saying,
445
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:14,661
"I'll have it ready in, like,
about five min...
446
00:19:14,662 --> 00:19:17,330
Oh, no, give me 10."
447
00:19:20,301 --> 00:19:21,935
Or a "king-poo" chicken.
448
00:19:24,271 --> 00:19:25,905
No.
449
00:19:31,531 --> 00:19:33,948
Yeah, well, I'm seeing
the Great Wall today, aren't I?
450
00:19:34,546 --> 00:19:37,214
Ricky and Steve just said,
"Get down to the bus depot,"
451
00:19:37,215 --> 00:19:39,216
where there's loads
of coaches and that,
452
00:19:39,217 --> 00:19:41,719
which, you know...
I'm not looking forward to this.
453
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,387
Pilkington, Pilkington.
454
00:19:43,388 --> 00:19:45,923
You know, I mean, getting on
a bus full of tourists
455
00:19:45,924 --> 00:19:48,492
with a fella stood
at the front, yapping on,
456
00:19:48,493 --> 00:19:50,694
you know,
with loads of history facts
457
00:19:50,695 --> 00:19:53,897
and just loads of stuff that
you're never gonna remember.
458
00:19:53,898 --> 00:19:56,734
Is there an English bus?
English tour?
459
00:19:56,735 --> 00:19:58,636
Do you not understand?
460
00:19:58,637 --> 00:20:01,538
Ricky and Steve
just said come here.
461
00:20:07,012 --> 00:20:09,480
Sorry. Sorry.
462
00:20:09,481 --> 00:20:10,814
Thanks a lot.
Hello.
463
00:20:22,761 --> 00:20:26,130
It's a bit of
a pointless exercise, really.
464
00:20:26,131 --> 00:20:27,431
It's pointless.
465
00:20:27,432 --> 00:20:30,501
Stuck in here
with a daft hat on,
466
00:20:30,502 --> 00:20:33,704
not understanding
what's going on.
467
00:20:33,705 --> 00:20:35,673
I mean, this woman's
friendly enough.
468
00:20:35,674 --> 00:20:37,875
But even she's sort of
blanking in and out.
469
00:20:51,623 --> 00:20:54,358
Yeah, the fella behind me
is coughing his guts up.
470
00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:56,827
I thought I was putting on
a waterproof coat
471
00:20:56,828 --> 00:20:57,928
in case it rained.
472
00:20:57,929 --> 00:20:59,596
I need it just for on this bus.
473
00:21:00,999 --> 00:21:02,232
Why do they do that?
474
00:21:07,238 --> 00:21:08,639
There's the wall.
475
00:21:12,243 --> 00:21:15,379
I can't see it now anyway,
so it'll be a surprise for me.
476
00:21:16,681 --> 00:21:19,750
How long does it take
to get there?
477
00:21:26,991 --> 00:21:30,060
Feel like I'm at the post office
on O.A.P. day.
478
00:21:30,061 --> 00:21:32,830
Wonder of the world.
479
00:21:32,831 --> 00:21:35,733
A wonder of the world.
480
00:21:40,638 --> 00:21:41,772
Well...
481
00:21:43,975 --> 00:21:47,444
Look at everyone,
pushing and shoving.
482
00:21:48,913 --> 00:21:50,047
This is it, then.
483
00:21:52,283 --> 00:21:57,588
"It was heavily restored
in both the 1950s and 1980s."
484
00:21:59,924 --> 00:22:02,059
I didn't know that.
485
00:22:02,060 --> 00:22:03,460
Not even old bricks?
486
00:22:03,461 --> 00:22:05,395
Am I missing something here?
487
00:22:05,396 --> 00:22:08,031
So the old stuff's
gone on it, really.
488
00:22:08,032 --> 00:22:12,336
But then it doesn't count.
It shouldn't be a wonder, then.
489
00:22:12,337 --> 00:22:14,037
You can't just build something
on it and still,
490
00:22:14,038 --> 00:22:15,339
you know,
get all the tourists in
491
00:22:15,340 --> 00:22:17,474
when it's not what it says
on the tin.
492
00:22:17,475 --> 00:22:21,645
What I'm looking at
is basically a wimpy home.
493
00:22:21,646 --> 00:22:24,047
You know, you can see it
for miles...
494
00:22:24,048 --> 00:22:27,017
Goes on for miles over the hills
and everything,
495
00:22:27,018 --> 00:22:28,218
but so does the M6.
496
00:22:28,219 --> 00:22:29,653
Do you know what I mean?
497
00:22:29,654 --> 00:22:32,456
You can see that for miles
and you go, "Great,"
498
00:22:32,457 --> 00:22:33,757
and that does a job.
499
00:22:33,758 --> 00:22:35,159
You can drive on that.
500
00:22:41,833 --> 00:22:43,901
Got bears in here.
501
00:22:43,902 --> 00:22:46,236
What's this all about, though?
502
00:22:46,237 --> 00:22:49,940
It's almost like they know
that the wall isn't that good,
503
00:22:49,941 --> 00:22:51,809
"So what else can we give them?
504
00:22:51,810 --> 00:22:54,344
"We've charged them like 7 quid
to get in to see an old wall.
505
00:22:54,345 --> 00:22:57,114
It's not an old wall.
It's from the 1980s."
506
00:22:57,115 --> 00:22:58,982
"I've got a mate
who's got some bears."
507
00:22:58,983 --> 00:23:01,051
"Yeah, yeah.
Stick them down at the bottom."
508
00:23:01,052 --> 00:23:03,654
There you are.
Look at him... Stood up.
509
00:23:03,655 --> 00:23:05,722
Evolution.
510
00:23:05,723 --> 00:23:07,524
Driver's getting involved,
chucking it food
511
00:23:07,525 --> 00:23:08,992
'cause he's not into apple,
is he.
512
00:23:08,993 --> 00:23:10,561
I've seen what he likes eating.
513
00:23:10,562 --> 00:23:13,397
If that was some sort of squid
with a tumor on its head,
514
00:23:13,398 --> 00:23:15,098
he'd be tucking in to it.
515
00:23:15,099 --> 00:23:16,934
He's not into fruit.
516
00:23:16,935 --> 00:23:19,102
So, really, I fancy getting
in there and getting a mouthful.
517
00:23:19,103 --> 00:23:22,012
It's the first normal food
I've seen since I've been here.
518
00:23:24,475 --> 00:23:27,544
You have one new message.
519
00:23:50,111 --> 00:23:51,812
What's the point of that?
520
00:23:57,270 --> 00:23:58,966
Yeah, just... just a bit
annoyed today
521
00:23:58,967 --> 00:24:01,574
'cause, you know, I thought I'd
seen the Great Wall of China,
522
00:24:01,575 --> 00:24:04,310
which, being honest with you,
it's not the Great Wall.
523
00:24:04,318 --> 00:24:05,574
It's an all right wall.
524
00:24:05,775 --> 00:24:06,819
It's the
"all right" wall of China.
525
00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:09,415
But, you know,
I thought I'd seen it.
526
00:24:09,416 --> 00:24:12,418
And then Steve calls up
with some bright idea, saying,
527
00:24:12,419 --> 00:24:14,486
"Oh, I want you to see
more of it.
528
00:24:14,487 --> 00:24:16,722
In fact, I want you to see
all of it."
529
00:24:16,723 --> 00:24:17,790
It's just stupid.
530
00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:22,961
You have one new message.
531
00:24:44,884 --> 00:24:46,952
Are they having a laugh?
532
00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:53,292
This isn't
the Great Wall, is it?
533
00:24:53,293 --> 00:24:54,827
You're kidding me.
534
00:24:54,828 --> 00:24:58,430
I mean, I like the way
there's no tourists and that.
535
00:24:58,431 --> 00:25:03,769
But then, why would there be?
536
00:25:03,770 --> 00:25:06,805
This is the original wall,
isn't it.
537
00:25:06,806 --> 00:25:10,142
Or is it? I don't know.
Is it just badly done?
538
00:25:10,143 --> 00:25:11,810
This is pretty shit, isn't it?
539
00:25:11,811 --> 00:25:14,613
You're meant to be able to
see it from the moon,
540
00:25:14,614 --> 00:25:17,382
aren't you, the Great Wall?
541
00:25:17,383 --> 00:25:18,684
Would you want to?
542
00:25:18,685 --> 00:25:22,788
Neil Armstrong getting
his binoculars out.
543
00:25:22,789 --> 00:25:25,390
"I be seeing it
from up here, Buzz."
544
00:25:25,391 --> 00:25:27,326
Jesus.
545
00:25:30,396 --> 00:25:33,031
And the fortune teller told me
546
00:25:33,032 --> 00:25:35,834
that, you know, I had to get rid
of one of me sins on a mountain,
547
00:25:35,835 --> 00:25:39,471
so I might as well do it
whilst I'm up here.
548
00:25:40,673 --> 00:25:43,208
That was the one
about Carl Grimshaw
549
00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:45,177
getting putty in his hair.
550
00:25:45,178 --> 00:25:48,013
But, you know,
it's worth doing, isn't it?
551
00:25:48,014 --> 00:25:50,149
If it means I'm not gonna have
a heart attack.
552
00:25:55,973 --> 00:25:57,603
Well, I've been
traveling for three days.
553
00:25:58,381 --> 00:26:00,582
I've walked miles.
And let's face it.
554
00:26:00,583 --> 00:26:02,467
There's only so much time
you can look at anything,
555
00:26:02,563 --> 00:26:04,714
and the only reason I've come
to this bit of the wall
556
00:26:04,715 --> 00:26:07,249
is because Steve said there was
a little village close by,
557
00:26:07,250 --> 00:26:10,051
and he knows someone who's gonna
sort some dinner out.
558
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,189
Ni hao.
Ni hao.
559
00:26:14,190 --> 00:26:15,190
Ni hao.
560
00:26:15,191 --> 00:26:16,591
Are you all right?
561
00:26:19,595 --> 00:26:20,862
He's a big lad.
562
00:26:22,965 --> 00:26:24,566
Um...
563
00:26:24,567 --> 00:26:27,302
Just... just... just a little,
little bit.
564
00:26:27,303 --> 00:26:30,138
Little bit.
Not big.
565
00:26:30,139 --> 00:26:31,840
Uh, full.
566
00:26:31,841 --> 00:26:34,709
Well, they seem like
nice people.
567
00:26:34,710 --> 00:26:36,177
And I can tell that just...
568
00:26:36,178 --> 00:26:38,914
Even though I can't speak
their language and stuff.
569
00:26:38,915 --> 00:26:40,348
Got some food for me.
570
00:26:40,349 --> 00:26:42,484
It's nice,
but it's just a bit awkward
571
00:26:42,485 --> 00:26:45,553
if there's something I don't
like in it because I can't...
572
00:26:45,554 --> 00:26:46,888
you know, you can have...
573
00:26:46,889 --> 00:26:50,025
You can use your hands
to say certain things,
574
00:26:50,026 --> 00:26:53,528
but what can you do
if it's something I don't like?
575
00:26:53,529 --> 00:26:56,665
I can't sort of make a lie up.
576
00:26:56,666 --> 00:26:58,633
What is that?
577
00:26:58,634 --> 00:27:00,201
What is that?
578
00:27:00,202 --> 00:27:03,238
Right, forget it.
579
00:27:03,239 --> 00:27:05,640
Forget it.
580
00:27:05,641 --> 00:27:08,009
It's fucking hell.
They're massive toads.
581
00:27:08,010 --> 00:27:09,678
Yeah, it's toads
in a courier bag.
582
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:14,916
Oh, I looked at the wrong time!
583
00:27:14,917 --> 00:27:17,819
I didn't really want to look,
but when I turned around,
584
00:27:17,820 --> 00:27:20,155
it looked like she was
having a wrestle with one.
585
00:27:20,156 --> 00:27:23,358
Then I heard, like, doof! Doof!
586
00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:25,527
So I'm guessing the toad
wasn't winning.
587
00:27:25,528 --> 00:27:27,495
And I've been told
it tastes like chicken,
588
00:27:27,496 --> 00:27:29,130
so I should just eat it
and think,
589
00:27:29,131 --> 00:27:30,999
"Yeah, it's chicken.
It's chicken.
590
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:32,500
Just nice chicken."
591
00:27:32,501 --> 00:27:34,569
Why did she have to
cave its head in out here?
592
00:27:34,570 --> 00:27:37,539
Why couldn't she just do it inside
somewhere and then I'd eat it?
593
00:27:37,540 --> 00:27:39,574
Tell me after.
594
00:27:39,575 --> 00:27:41,309
All right, yeah, I'll...
in a minute.
595
00:27:41,310 --> 00:27:43,011
If they knew we were coming,
596
00:27:43,012 --> 00:27:45,146
couldn't they have just
got something normal?
597
00:27:45,147 --> 00:27:46,581
Why didn't you say to them,
598
00:27:46,582 --> 00:27:49,050
"Now, is it all right
if we bring Karl around,
599
00:27:49,051 --> 00:27:50,185
cook him something?"
600
00:27:50,186 --> 00:27:51,820
"Yeah, yeah.
Of course you can, yeah.
601
00:27:51,821 --> 00:27:53,888
What does he like to eat?
Does he like toad?"
602
00:27:53,889 --> 00:27:56,091
Just, surely. I know
you don't know me that well,
603
00:27:56,092 --> 00:27:57,425
but you know me enough that...
604
00:27:57,426 --> 00:27:59,361
I've never said to you,
"Do you know what?
605
00:27:59,362 --> 00:28:01,696
I'd love a bit of toad."
I've never said that to you.
606
00:28:01,697 --> 00:28:04,599
You could have just nipped it in
the bud there and then gone,
607
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,568
"Oh, he's not a fan of that.
He's not."
608
00:28:06,569 --> 00:28:08,803
I don't like it.
609
00:28:08,804 --> 00:28:11,106
They're waving me over.
610
00:28:13,909 --> 00:28:16,711
So this is like a murder scene
611
00:28:16,712 --> 00:28:18,546
with a bit
of toad's head there.
612
00:28:18,547 --> 00:28:20,682
Oh, look at this.
613
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:26,388
Chicken, chicken.
614
00:28:26,389 --> 00:28:30,425
Just a little bit 'cause I'm not
very good with these.
615
00:28:30,426 --> 00:28:31,826
He's better than me.
Ah.
616
00:28:31,827 --> 00:28:33,528
That just looks like noodles.
617
00:28:35,831 --> 00:28:38,266
Mmm. Nice. Mmm.
618
00:28:38,267 --> 00:28:39,434
Lots of that.
619
00:28:41,470 --> 00:28:43,071
No, love it.
Love it.
620
00:28:43,072 --> 00:28:44,606
Mmm.
621
00:28:44,607 --> 00:28:46,474
Oh, just...
622
00:28:46,475 --> 00:28:48,343
Just chewing.
623
00:28:50,846 --> 00:28:52,814
Another minute.
624
00:28:52,815 --> 00:28:54,249
I think the baby's choking.
625
00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:55,617
Hang on.
626
00:28:55,618 --> 00:28:58,019
Eating toad was weird.
627
00:28:58,020 --> 00:29:00,355
Um...
628
00:29:00,356 --> 00:29:02,490
I had a little bit of toad.
629
00:29:06,395 --> 00:29:08,296
Like, uh...
630
00:29:08,297 --> 00:29:10,432
Chicken.
Just chicken.
631
00:29:10,433 --> 00:29:13,134
This woman
was forcing it to me.
632
00:29:13,135 --> 00:29:14,569
She was saying,
"No, eat it, eat it."
633
00:29:20,242 --> 00:29:22,410
Ugh! Not fun.
634
00:29:22,411 --> 00:29:24,345
Every time I swallowed it,
it was coming back up.
635
00:29:24,346 --> 00:29:25,580
It was like it was still alive
636
00:29:25,581 --> 00:29:27,248
and the legs were still
kicking itself out of my head.
637
00:29:29,185 --> 00:29:30,785
Ugh! Ugh!
638
00:29:30,786 --> 00:29:32,887
Right. No more.
639
00:29:41,297 --> 00:29:42,964
What's he making, then?
640
00:29:44,366 --> 00:29:46,234
Not a toilet door.
I know that much.
641
00:29:46,235 --> 00:29:49,771
Hello.
642
00:29:49,772 --> 00:29:51,573
What...
what are you making?
643
00:29:51,574 --> 00:29:52,774
What is this?
644
00:29:52,775 --> 00:29:54,242
Coffin.
645
00:29:54,243 --> 00:29:56,845
Coffin?
646
00:29:56,846 --> 00:29:59,447
Is this for someone local?
647
00:29:59,448 --> 00:30:01,816
This lady here.
648
00:30:01,817 --> 00:30:03,718
It's for this lady?
649
00:30:03,719 --> 00:30:05,720
She looks pretty healthy.
650
00:30:07,123 --> 00:30:08,723
It's better to make it now,
651
00:30:08,724 --> 00:30:11,226
because when you're young,
you prepare those things.
652
00:30:11,227 --> 00:30:14,329
When you're old and you won't
be able to organize it.
653
00:30:14,330 --> 00:30:16,631
Doesn't it depress you,
seeing this every day
654
00:30:16,632 --> 00:30:17,932
when you leave your house?
655
00:30:17,933 --> 00:30:19,100
Not the way it looks.
656
00:30:19,101 --> 00:30:21,569
I think it's a nice-looking
coffin, as coffins go,
657
00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:23,505
but I don't want to be reminded
that I'm gonna die...
658
00:30:23,506 --> 00:30:24,772
Not every day.
659
00:30:26,475 --> 00:30:27,709
I'm not scared of death.
660
00:30:27,710 --> 00:30:30,245
I'm not worried about it.
661
00:30:30,246 --> 00:30:32,313
All right.
662
00:30:32,314 --> 00:30:35,416
Maybe you can help me
sanding the coffin.
663
00:30:40,723 --> 00:30:42,457
I mean,
my flat isn't big enough
664
00:30:42,458 --> 00:30:44,225
to have something like this
hanging around.
665
00:30:44,226 --> 00:30:45,727
I haven't got any outside space,
666
00:30:45,728 --> 00:30:47,929
so I'd have to have
a parking permit for this.
667
00:30:47,930 --> 00:30:49,764
So I couldn't be doing this
at home.
668
00:30:49,765 --> 00:30:52,867
But there's something good
about it
669
00:30:52,868 --> 00:30:56,604
because as you get older...
you know, she's in her 60s...
670
00:30:56,605 --> 00:30:59,207
it's a nice little project,
isn't it?
671
00:30:59,208 --> 00:31:02,277
She's got a lot.
This is probably sorted out.
672
00:31:02,278 --> 00:31:04,045
She doesn't have to worry
about that.
673
00:31:04,046 --> 00:31:05,413
The house is probably paid for.
674
00:31:05,414 --> 00:31:07,582
D you need something to do
to keep you going.
675
00:31:07,583 --> 00:31:09,417
If you haven't got
any little projects,
676
00:31:09,418 --> 00:31:12,053
that's when you die.
677
00:31:12,054 --> 00:31:14,155
So, in a way...
678
00:31:14,156 --> 00:31:16,491
It's just something that,
when she goes to bed at night,
679
00:31:16,492 --> 00:31:18,359
she's got a little "to do" list
in her head...
680
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:20,528
"Coffin needs to be varnished.
I'll have to sort that."
681
00:31:20,529 --> 00:31:23,865
'Cause there's not that much
else around here, is there,
682
00:31:23,866 --> 00:31:25,300
to keep your mind busy?
683
00:31:28,737 --> 00:31:31,172
Look at this.
He's gone off now.
684
00:31:31,173 --> 00:31:32,774
He's having his lunch.
685
00:31:32,775 --> 00:31:35,076
He left me here doing this.
686
00:32:01,770 --> 00:32:04,539
You have one new message.
687
00:32:17,219 --> 00:32:18,620
My friend, Kung Fu.
688
00:32:21,938 --> 00:32:23,877
...Kung Fu.
689
00:32:24,458 --> 00:32:26,456
What do I want to see
Kung Fu for?
690
00:32:41,504 --> 00:32:43,405
Violent, isn't it?
691
00:32:43,406 --> 00:32:47,008
It's pretty impressive the way
everyone's remembered the kick.
692
00:32:47,009 --> 00:32:49,444
It was never like this
for me, school.
693
00:32:49,445 --> 00:32:52,814
About 25 minutes was just spent
with all the kids
694
00:32:52,815 --> 00:32:55,116
trying to find a pair of shorts
out of lost property
695
00:32:55,117 --> 00:32:57,319
'cause no one ever remembered
to bring the kit.
696
00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:59,287
So it was more like a "Trinny & Susannah"
than a P.E. lesson
697
00:32:59,288 --> 00:33:00,889
we'd all be sort of going,
"Are these your type?"
698
00:33:00,890 --> 00:33:02,424
"Do you want to wear these?"
"I'll wear them."
699
00:33:02,425 --> 00:33:04,626
Just everyone
taking it seriously.
700
00:33:04,627 --> 00:33:06,828
The P.E. teacher
wasn't a proper P.E. teacher.
701
00:33:06,829 --> 00:33:08,863
He did geography
when he wasn't doing P.E.
702
00:33:08,864 --> 00:33:12,033
and that's why we have
a lot of fat kids.
703
00:33:12,034 --> 00:33:14,969
Leo.
704
00:33:14,970 --> 00:33:16,137
How are you?
705
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:20,141
Welcome to Shaolin
706
00:33:20,142 --> 00:33:22,944
and where the origin of Kung Fu
coming from.
707
00:33:22,945 --> 00:33:26,815
And you are going to see
the Kung Fu training.
708
00:33:26,816 --> 00:33:29,484
This is the metal.
709
00:33:29,485 --> 00:33:31,086
All right.
710
00:33:31,087 --> 00:33:33,555
And we're going to put on
our throat.
711
00:33:33,556 --> 00:33:37,792
If I use my finger,
just have a little touch...
712
00:33:37,793 --> 00:33:39,227
All right!
Yeah, just tell me.
713
00:33:39,228 --> 00:33:40,729
You don't have to do that,
yeah.
714
00:33:40,730 --> 00:33:43,398
...And you will have
a very big...
715
00:33:43,399 --> 00:33:44,733
Yeah, that's...
716
00:33:47,303 --> 00:33:48,303
Ooh-ee!
717
00:33:49,305 --> 00:33:50,772
Hyah!
718
00:33:50,773 --> 00:33:52,674
Hyah!
Hyah!
719
00:33:54,977 --> 00:33:57,045
Hyah!
720
00:33:57,046 --> 00:33:58,513
That's got to hurt, don't it?
721
00:34:00,883 --> 00:34:03,618
So I'll see you
outside the hotel,
722
00:34:03,619 --> 00:34:05,387
about sort of 4:00,
quarter to 5:00.
723
00:34:05,388 --> 00:34:08,223
4:00 A.M. Okay?
724
00:34:08,224 --> 00:34:10,625
4:00 in the morning.
725
00:34:10,626 --> 00:34:12,394
You having a laugh?
726
00:34:14,997 --> 00:34:16,931
Is he having a laugh?
727
00:34:16,932 --> 00:34:20,201
I can't tell.
They're hard to read.
728
00:34:20,202 --> 00:34:23,271
All right.
Well, that's good, isn't it?
729
00:34:23,272 --> 00:34:25,640
You know, I've been walking
the wall for the last few days,
730
00:34:25,641 --> 00:34:27,842
you know, aching all over,
731
00:34:27,843 --> 00:34:29,978
and now he wants me to get up
at 4:00 in the morning
732
00:34:29,979 --> 00:34:31,746
to do some Kung Fu.
733
00:34:31,747 --> 00:34:35,216
That's nice and relaxing,
isn't it?
734
00:34:35,217 --> 00:34:37,719
And he just went...
735
00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:39,454
Like that.
736
00:34:39,455 --> 00:34:41,523
Ohh!
737
00:34:43,492 --> 00:34:45,326
Ai!
738
00:34:49,198 --> 00:34:52,100
Where did he hit it?
He hit it there, didn't he?
739
00:34:52,101 --> 00:34:53,868
No.
740
00:34:53,869 --> 00:34:56,037
Ooh!
741
00:34:56,038 --> 00:34:58,006
Hmm.
742
00:35:01,744 --> 00:35:03,878
No.
743
00:35:09,585 --> 00:35:11,953
Shit.
744
00:35:14,221 --> 00:35:16,255
You are late.
745
00:35:16,256 --> 00:35:19,158
In two minutes, downstairs.
746
00:35:22,629 --> 00:35:23,830
He wasn't joking, was he,
747
00:35:23,831 --> 00:35:26,065
when he said he was gonna
come 'round at 4:00.
748
00:35:26,066 --> 00:35:27,998
Thought he was just having
a bit of fun with me.
749
00:35:28,897 --> 00:35:31,098
Nice start to the day.
Moon's still out.
750
00:35:32,867 --> 00:35:34,034
Yeah.
751
00:35:34,035 --> 00:35:35,375
Thing is, I don't know
what power I've got.
752
00:35:37,050 --> 00:35:38,517
That's the thing.
753
00:35:38,518 --> 00:35:40,681
If I start wrestling with him,
I don't know how strong I am.
754
00:35:40,770 --> 00:35:42,304
I might do some damage...
755
00:35:42,305 --> 00:35:43,939
By accident...
756
00:35:43,940 --> 00:35:46,708
'Cause I don't go about
punching people and stuff,
757
00:35:46,709 --> 00:35:48,777
so I don't know
how hard I can hit.
758
00:35:48,778 --> 00:35:50,846
I might...
I might really hurt him.
759
00:35:50,847 --> 00:35:52,514
See, if I'm
just a proper mugger.
760
00:35:52,515 --> 00:35:54,282
I'm walking down
the street, right?
761
00:35:54,283 --> 00:35:56,184
I look at you.
I'm going this way, yes.
762
00:35:56,185 --> 00:35:58,286
Hang on a minute.
Yeah, just get back a bit.
763
00:35:58,287 --> 00:36:01,156
So, I'm walking down the street,
and I think,
764
00:36:01,157 --> 00:36:03,892
"This fella looks like
he's got a few quid,"
765
00:36:03,893 --> 00:36:06,128
and I'd go... I'd go...
I'd go...
766
00:36:06,129 --> 00:36:08,029
"Excuse me. You haven't got
the time on you, have you?"
767
00:36:08,030 --> 00:36:09,097
And grabs your money.
768
00:36:09,098 --> 00:36:10,465
Oh.
Aah! All right!
769
00:36:10,466 --> 00:36:12,534
Give us your money.
770
00:36:12,535 --> 00:36:13,902
Ohh!
771
00:36:13,903 --> 00:36:15,470
Right, yeah, yeah.
Watch what will happen.
772
00:36:15,471 --> 00:36:17,606
Yeah, yeah. I know, yeah.
I got it the first time.
773
00:36:17,607 --> 00:36:18,874
Come on, go!
774
00:36:18,875 --> 00:36:20,108
All right.
775
00:36:20,109 --> 00:36:22,210
Quickly! Faster!
Come on, come on!
776
00:36:25,248 --> 00:36:26,748
Fuck off.
777
00:36:26,749 --> 00:36:28,183
Quick!
778
00:36:29,452 --> 00:36:30,819
Fuck off.
779
00:36:32,488 --> 00:36:34,489
He didn't know
what me health is.
780
00:36:34,490 --> 00:36:36,558
At no point since
I've been here has he gone,
781
00:36:36,559 --> 00:36:38,226
"Now, Karl,
it's a serious issue.
782
00:36:38,227 --> 00:36:39,694
Have you got
any health problems?"
783
00:36:39,695 --> 00:36:41,530
He's always pushing
a little bit more.
784
00:36:41,531 --> 00:36:42,731
He loves giving pain out.
785
00:36:42,732 --> 00:36:44,299
He's not a Buddhist, is he?
He's a lunatic.
786
00:36:44,300 --> 00:36:46,668
Do it. Do it.
Up.
787
00:36:48,871 --> 00:36:50,071
Right.
788
00:36:50,072 --> 00:36:51,406
Right.
789
00:36:51,407 --> 00:36:52,841
What am I doing?
790
00:36:52,842 --> 00:36:54,643
Seriously.
What is going on here?
791
00:36:57,146 --> 00:36:58,780
Okay, Karl.
I give you a challenge.
792
00:36:58,781 --> 00:37:00,849
What sort of challenge?
793
00:37:00,850 --> 00:37:02,617
Hyah!
794
00:37:02,618 --> 00:37:05,520
What's the other challenge?
795
00:37:06,923 --> 00:37:09,357
This is glass.
Balloon.
796
00:37:09,358 --> 00:37:12,727
I'm going to throw the needle
from this way
797
00:37:12,728 --> 00:37:14,129
to get this balloon.
798
00:37:14,130 --> 00:37:16,598
You're gonna throw a needle
through the glass...
799
00:37:16,599 --> 00:37:17,632
Yes.
800
00:37:17,633 --> 00:37:18,900
...Hit the balloon...
Yes.
801
00:37:18,901 --> 00:37:20,202
...Hole in glass?
Yes.
802
00:37:20,203 --> 00:37:22,571
So you're gonna...
Hey, hang on a minute! Right.
803
00:37:22,572 --> 00:37:24,840
1...
804
00:37:24,841 --> 00:37:26,775
2...
805
00:37:29,378 --> 00:37:30,579
No way.
806
00:37:30,580 --> 00:37:33,582
Jesus.
807
00:37:33,583 --> 00:37:34,749
I'm impressed with that.
808
00:37:34,750 --> 00:37:37,319
You want to have a try?
809
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,488
Here we go.
810
00:37:39,489 --> 00:37:41,323
Quiet please.
811
00:37:41,324 --> 00:37:42,624
Quiet please.
812
00:38:05,248 --> 00:38:07,015
Sorry about that.
813
00:38:07,016 --> 00:38:09,217
I'm not cut out for Kung Fu.
814
00:38:09,218 --> 00:38:10,519
I know that much.
815
00:38:14,357 --> 00:38:16,291
That shouldn't hurt, should it?
816
00:38:16,292 --> 00:38:18,527
Just having a cup of tea.
817
00:38:21,631 --> 00:38:23,098
Ahh.
818
00:38:27,989 --> 00:38:29,682
With all these
aches and pains and that,
819
00:38:29,757 --> 00:38:31,255
you know, Ricky and Steve
have sorted me out
820
00:38:31,256 --> 00:38:34,191
with a Chinese massage,
which isn't like them, now.
821
00:38:34,192 --> 00:38:35,859
Lay down.
822
00:38:35,860 --> 00:38:37,961
Get the socks off?
823
00:38:39,197 --> 00:38:42,266
This is how it starts,
isn't it.
824
00:38:42,267 --> 00:38:44,935
You are having a laugh.
Come on, now.
825
00:38:46,237 --> 00:38:47,971
Oh, my God.
826
00:38:50,475 --> 00:38:53,177
See that?
Is that normal?
827
00:38:53,178 --> 00:38:54,978
No, lay down.
828
00:38:56,481 --> 00:38:57,481
Boy.
829
00:38:57,482 --> 00:38:59,983
All right,
that's... that's hot now.
830
00:38:59,984 --> 00:39:01,318
That's mental.
831
00:39:01,319 --> 00:39:03,487
No, that's hot.
That's hot.
832
00:39:03,488 --> 00:39:05,856
Okay, now, what is she doing?
833
00:39:05,857 --> 00:39:07,124
What is she doing?
834
00:39:07,125 --> 00:39:08,492
I've seen massages
on the telly.
835
00:39:08,493 --> 00:39:10,627
You don't normally have to have
a fire extinguisher on standby
836
00:39:10,628 --> 00:39:12,262
when you're having
a...massage.
837
00:39:12,263 --> 00:39:14,331
What is this doing?
838
00:39:14,332 --> 00:39:16,600
This is a traditional
Chinese massage.
839
00:39:16,601 --> 00:39:17,901
But why?
Tell me why, though.
840
00:39:17,902 --> 00:39:19,603
Why is this traditional
Chinese massage?
841
00:39:19,604 --> 00:39:21,305
I think it relaxes the muscles.
842
00:39:21,306 --> 00:39:23,640
No, it doesn't relax me,
so what does it do?
843
00:39:23,641 --> 00:39:25,642
Why is she setting fire to me?
844
00:39:25,643 --> 00:39:26,977
What good is it doing me?
845
00:39:26,978 --> 00:39:28,912
Don't just stand there
saying it's traditional.
846
00:39:28,913 --> 00:39:31,115
"It's traditional. It's what they do here.
It's a delicacy."
847
00:39:31,116 --> 00:39:32,216
What is she doing?
848
00:39:32,217 --> 00:39:33,684
When have gloves on fire
849
00:39:33,685 --> 00:39:35,285
ever been associated
with having a massage?
850
00:39:35,286 --> 00:39:37,621
Aah! I can feel it.
I can feel it.
851
00:39:37,622 --> 00:39:39,256
I might as well have
walked in there...
852
00:39:39,257 --> 00:39:40,557
Aah!
853
00:39:40,558 --> 00:39:43,026
...And been greeted
by Edward Scissorhands.
854
00:39:43,027 --> 00:39:45,762
Right. I felt that.
Put it out.
855
00:39:45,763 --> 00:39:48,332
Put it out, please!
856
00:39:48,333 --> 00:39:51,635
It's not a good sort of
combination, that, really...
857
00:39:51,636 --> 00:39:53,203
Having something done like that
858
00:39:53,204 --> 00:39:55,205
with a woman
who can't understand me.
859
00:39:55,206 --> 00:39:57,474
This leg's fine, tell her.
860
00:39:57,475 --> 00:39:58,976
This leg is great.
861
00:39:58,977 --> 00:40:01,678
I just want this one,
and then we can go.
862
00:40:03,848 --> 00:40:05,682
Aah! That's hot now.
863
00:40:05,683 --> 00:40:09,319
Maybe she's just a frustrated
magician or something.
864
00:40:10,455 --> 00:40:12,856
Couldn't get a gig doing magic.
865
00:40:12,857 --> 00:40:14,825
Ends up doing back rubs,
and she's come up with an idea
866
00:40:14,826 --> 00:40:16,226
with having gloves
that are on fire.
867
00:40:18,196 --> 00:40:21,098
I... I screamed me head off,
didn't I?
868
00:40:21,099 --> 00:40:22,533
'Cause it was...
869
00:40:22,534 --> 00:40:24,868
And I'm not messing, either,
for the cameras.
870
00:40:24,869 --> 00:40:26,403
'Cause I don't really do that.
871
00:40:26,404 --> 00:40:28,005
It really hurt.
872
00:40:29,607 --> 00:40:32,543
What was that bleeping sound?
873
00:40:32,544 --> 00:40:33,944
Fire alarm?
874
00:40:37,582 --> 00:40:39,516
I've traveled miles, haven't I?
875
00:40:39,517 --> 00:40:41,518
And this is the end of it,
is it?
876
00:40:41,519 --> 00:40:44,121
I mean, I thought you meant to
save the best till last,
877
00:40:44,122 --> 00:40:46,123
but what is this?
878
00:40:46,124 --> 00:40:47,457
Bloody hell.
879
00:40:56,134 --> 00:40:57,801
Well, that's where it ends,
isn't it?
880
00:40:57,802 --> 00:41:00,270
I mean, I haven't gotten another
message from Steve saying,
881
00:41:00,271 --> 00:41:04,007
"Right. Get your snorkel out.
You still haven't seen it all."
882
00:41:04,008 --> 00:41:07,077
And this definitely
isn't you, is it.
883
00:41:07,078 --> 00:41:09,780
They still got handy Andy
working on it,
884
00:41:09,781 --> 00:41:11,381
by the sounds of things.
885
00:41:11,382 --> 00:41:14,184
It doesn't feel like
a wonder of the world...
886
00:41:14,185 --> 00:41:15,319
Just this bit.
887
00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:17,921
I liked it up on the hills
where nobody was,
888
00:41:17,922 --> 00:41:20,457
but you got a fella down there
selling hot dogs,
889
00:41:20,458 --> 00:41:23,493
they've built a bit of
a conservatory on it over there,
890
00:41:23,494 --> 00:41:25,596
bloke flogging photographs,
891
00:41:25,597 --> 00:41:27,664
and then a lot of banging.
892
00:41:27,665 --> 00:41:30,467
It's nonstop.
893
00:41:30,468 --> 00:41:32,502
I don't get it, though.
How come...
894
00:41:32,503 --> 00:41:35,005
I mean, this isn't
protecting anything, is it?
895
00:41:35,006 --> 00:41:37,374
'Cause if the enemy
was coming down there,
896
00:41:37,375 --> 00:41:39,476
come across there,
buy a hot dog.
897
00:41:39,477 --> 00:41:41,278
I mean,
they want to get over it.
898
00:41:41,279 --> 00:41:43,313
I mean,
take your shoes and socks off.
899
00:41:43,314 --> 00:41:46,350
It's not even that deep there.
You can just wander 'round it.
900
00:41:46,351 --> 00:41:48,518
So what is it protecting?
901
00:41:56,094 --> 00:42:00,230
This is my last sin
that I've got to get rid of.
902
00:42:08,873 --> 00:42:12,309
There's an old Chinese proverb
903
00:42:12,310 --> 00:42:16,046
by this Mao fella that says,
904
00:42:16,047 --> 00:42:18,348
"A toad in a well
905
00:42:18,349 --> 00:42:22,886
"only gets to see
some of the sky,
906
00:42:22,887 --> 00:42:26,023
"and if the toad came up,
907
00:42:26,024 --> 00:42:28,525
he'd see more of the world,"
908
00:42:28,526 --> 00:42:32,062
which, you know,
is a bit like me, in a way.
909
00:42:32,063 --> 00:42:35,065
I've seen more of the world
just from doing this.
910
00:42:35,066 --> 00:42:38,402
I don't know if it's made me
a better person or not,
911
00:42:38,403 --> 00:42:41,305
but he's saying,
if you get out of the well,
912
00:42:41,306 --> 00:42:43,273
you'll see the bigger picture.
913
00:42:43,274 --> 00:42:44,541
It's good for you.
914
00:42:44,542 --> 00:42:45,642
But I say it isn't.
915
00:42:45,643 --> 00:42:46,977
And the thing is,
916
00:42:46,978 --> 00:42:49,079
it's not even worth getting out
and seeing more sky here
917
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:51,548
'cause of all the pollution.
918
00:42:51,549 --> 00:42:52,816
And definitely if you're a toad,
919
00:42:52,817 --> 00:42:54,351
I wouldn't get out
of any hole here.
920
00:42:54,352 --> 00:42:56,278
'Cause they'll grab you and cut
your head off and eat you.
921
00:42:56,478 --> 00:43:06,678
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com