1 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,839 The Seven Wonders of the World. 2 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,639 Christ The Redeemer. 3 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:10,879 The Taj Mahal. 4 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:13,719 The Great Pyramids. 5 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,559 Truly man's greatest achievements. 6 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:21,159 But there's one man who sees them differently. 7 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,079 If that was on my road, the council would be on it. 8 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,439 They'd go, "Get that down. It's a death trap. " 9 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,359 Karl Pilkington. 10 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,639 It's like a pylon. 11 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:37,639 I don't know the politically correct term. Moron, I think. 12 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:44,599 He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, Manc moron. Buffoon. Idiot. 13 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:45,639 Is that normal? 14 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,719 And he's a friend! 15 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,719 We've often described him as being like some kind of real-life Homer Simpson. 16 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:55,919 Homer is small-minded, petty, but at his core, a good person. 17 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,359 And loveable. Absolutely loveable. 18 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,079 It's like a game of jenga that's got out of hand. 19 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:02,319 I can't get enough of him. 20 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,159 Is everyone gonna be wearing this? 21 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:07,519 He's a typical Little Englander and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone. 22 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,439 Bollocks are squashed. 23 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,679 I just think it'd be amazing to send him round the world. 24 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:19,359 What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, 25 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,959 and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world. 26 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:27,039 I've been to many exotic places, I genuinely think travel broadens the mind. 27 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,279 I want him to hate it. 28 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,959 I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement. 29 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:37,959 Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner, being poked by a stick. 30 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,959 I am that stick and now I have the might of Sky behind me. 31 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:45,479 Shit! 32 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:49,279 This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done. 33 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,559 And it's gonna be great. 34 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,919 Just let me go home! Jesus Christ! 35 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,439 - All right? - Yeah. 36 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,519 I'm all right, yeah. 37 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,719 - What you been doing today? - Just hanging around. 38 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:10,119 You look nervous, you look uneasy. 39 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,200 - Well, I am a bit, yeah. It's not normal, is it? 40 00:02:12,201 --> 00:02:13,479 - What isn't? 41 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,799 You're asking me how my day is in a room full of people who I don't know. 42 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:20,999 Yeah. Well, you're gonna get to know them. You're gonna get to know them really well. 43 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:22,920 - What, everywhere I go, these lot are coming? 44 00:02:22,921 --> 00:02:24,719 - Yeah. They've got to film it. 45 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:29,959 Otherwise you'd be by yourself and we wouldn't see it on the telly. 46 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,679 Right, Karl. 47 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:37,359 I'm very jealous of your trip here, Karl, to the mighty Great Wall of China. 48 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,479 You say that but how come I'm going and you're not doing any? 49 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,580 - Well, because, er, we're executive producers. 50 00:02:42,581 --> 00:02:44,559 - We've got other stuff going on. 51 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,359 (Karl) Oh. 52 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:49,919 See, out of all the places, this is the place that I'm worried about the most. 53 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,120 - Why? 54 00:02:52,121 --> 00:02:54,199 - Just... the way they live. They're different. 55 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,079 What, Chinese people? 56 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,239 They just wreck everything. They make everything weird. 57 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,919 -That's what I'm worried about. - I don't understand what you mean. 58 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,319 Everything - chicken. Why is it orange in Chinatown? 59 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,439 Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 60 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,519 Just the slightest thing. The chicken is orange. 61 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,919 They eat anything. You know what I mean? Octopus. 62 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,999 Toad. 63 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:19,559 - He just made that one up! - Say if I go over there, 64 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,008 I have a bit of toad, I go, do you know what? 65 00:03:22,009 --> 00:03:24,239 Quite nice, that, It's nicer than chicken. 66 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,540 - Yeah. 67 00:03:25,541 --> 00:03:26,719 - It's pretty tough to get a bit of grilled toad. 68 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,080 - Yeah. 69 00:03:28,081 --> 00:03:29,319 - In this country. It could make me sort of... 70 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,639 wish for stuff that I can no longer get hold of. 71 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,759 Have you been listening to what he's been saying? 72 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,799 He's scared to go to China in case he gets a taste for toad. 73 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,678 - Then he comes back and he can't get toad. 74 00:03:37,679 --> 00:03:39,559 - I just wanted to check that you heard that. 75 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,959 The way they write - their letters are weird, their alphabet's not like ours, 76 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,959 It's like someone testing out a Biro. 77 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,479 Everything's... There's no logic to anything that they do. 78 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,020 - There is... There is... 79 00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:52,439 - (Stephen) Of course there's a logic to it! 80 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,946 The way they read a book, It's all the other 81 00:03:54,947 --> 00:03:57,439 way round, from back to front and up and down. 82 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,599 Everything that we've done, they've gone, Right, we're gonna do it weirder. 83 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,159 - No they didn't... -That's how it comes across. 84 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:07,799 Well, some would say that they did it first, their civilization beat ours by... 85 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:11,719 by many, many hundreds of years, but anyway... 86 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,199 Right, off you go. 87 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,119 See you when you get back. 88 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,079 Right. See ya. 89 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,919 Bit grey, isn't it? 90 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,959 Is today a cloudy day or is this pollution? 91 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:48,639 It's not worth having this in HD, is it? Nothing looks crisp. 92 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,519 Everything's sort of hazy, 93 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,319 like some sort of Kate Bush video or something. 94 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:57,199 Can anyone speak English? 95 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,799 Does he want to give us a lift? English? Do you want to give us a ride? 96 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,319 - OK. - Yeah, yeah. 97 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,319 (Bicycle bells ringing) 98 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:15,719 (Karl) All right? 99 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,199 Doesn't seem to work when you smile at people. 100 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,159 Nothing. Nothing. Blank. 101 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,759 So I don't know if smiling means smiling here. 102 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,597 I mean, if they don't understand my language 103 00:05:25,598 --> 00:05:27,199 and they don't understand my expressions, 104 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,479 I don't know what I've got to communicate with. 105 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:33,279 All right? Nothing, nothing. They've got nothing. 106 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:36,079 I don't think I've ever felt this lost. 107 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:37,999 Even in Wales. 108 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,279 See what I mean here, though, about things not being normal? 109 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,159 You know, I get off a plane all achy and jet-lagged. 110 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,359 I thought, I know, I'll have a massage, that'll be nice. 111 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:48,759 Massage? 112 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,279 I'm never gonna get to where I'm going. I haven't been to bed yet. 113 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,479 It is nice though, to be fair. 114 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,159 That isn't, that isn't good. 115 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:58,639 Ha ha! 116 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,199 - Ha ha! - (Crunch) 117 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,919 Ha ha! Ha ha! 118 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:05,999 Fuckin'hell! 119 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,999 Was that a massage? I don't know. Or was I just being mugged? 120 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,279 Ha ha! Ho! 121 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,284 Well, I'm just trying to find the hotel that 122 00:06:17,285 --> 00:06:19,279 Ricky and Steve have sorted out for me. 123 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,319 I'm not expecting that much, if I'm honest with you. 124 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,119 I've got a room? Pilkington. 125 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,439 Nice. 126 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,639 - It's compact, isn't it? - Yes, cosy. 127 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,039 - Feels Chinese. - Yeah, it is. 128 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,239 - The slippers, they're mine? - Mm-hm. 129 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:36,839 Quite Chinese, aren't they? 130 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,919 - Behind the cloth, we have a TV. - Any English? 131 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,159 - No. Only Chinese. - OK, thanks. Ta. 132 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,199 I quite like this touch. 133 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,719 Suzanne wants a fish, so I'll have to let her know that I've got a couple. 134 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,346 I mean, that is for sort of company, isn't it? 135 00:06:53,347 --> 00:06:55,799 It's not some sort of appetizer, that, is it? 136 00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:01,559 That's handy. You know I said how Chinese always come up with inventions? 137 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,679 they're quite futuristic with their ideas. 138 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,559 That's all right, isn't it? Little radio with headlights. 139 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,839 I don't know when you'd need that. 140 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:15,039 I mean, the whole beauty of radio is, you know, you can listen to it in the dark. 141 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:19,159 I mean, if that was on the Dragons'Den, you'd say I'm out, wouldn't you? 142 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,119 I'm just gonna go and have a wander about, I think. 143 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,919 Cos there's nothing else to do, so I might as well try and see a bit of the place, 144 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,119 mix with the locals. 145 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,039 That's what Ricky and Steve want, 146 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,759 they want to see how I can handle myself with some foreigners. 147 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,119 Karl. 148 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,039 (Man) Kyre. (Woman) Ka. 149 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,079 Karl. 150 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,439 L. Karl. 151 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,039 - Karl. - Kalla. 152 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,159 Not Karla. Just Karl. 153 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:50,839 - Karl. - Oh, Karl. Karl. 154 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,639 Karl. 155 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:53,839 - Karl. - Karla. 156 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,519 No! No, no. No. 157 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,399 - Kar. - No. 158 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:58,599 Karl. 159 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,879 - Karlo. - You don't need to add... 160 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,399 Like this in your country, the Shazh-bia. 161 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,439 Shazh-bia. Huh? Shazh-bia. 162 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:10,279 - Shaz-bia? - Ah. Chinese... Shash-bee. 163 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,359 Shakespeare. Shass-pear. 164 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,199 Ah! Sha... 165 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,279 It's just breaking it up a little bit. 166 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,799 Karl. I'm Karl. 167 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:23,199 - Kar. - It's not Kar, It's Karl. 168 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:30,599 Yeah, it smells more Chinese now, doesn't it? 169 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,159 Sort of sweet and sour. 170 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,719 That's good, isn't it? Is that dead? 171 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,879 That's dead, isn't it? 172 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,519 Are they dead? Are they toads? 173 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,559 So I don't get it. Are they alive in that bag? 174 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,359 Why aren't they legging it? 175 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,404 He's got like a Sainsbury's bag full of toads, 176 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:51,959 he rips 'em out, cuts their head off, 177 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,799 sticks them in another bin bag. 178 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:56,304 I don't even know what that is. It looks like a 179 00:08:56,305 --> 00:08:58,639 load of condoms in jam and water or something. 180 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,799 It's weird how he's got it sat there as if that's mean to tempt you in. 181 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,439 Well, the idea was that I'd nip out and get a little snack, 182 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,037 cos Ricky and Steve said, 183 00:09:10,038 --> 00:09:11,719 "Yeah,try everything out, do what the locals do," 184 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,199 but there's no way I'm eating this stuff. 185 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:19,119 Scorpion. Seahorse. Cocoon silkworm. Caterpillar. 186 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:23,279 This looks like they've got custard creams on a stick at the end. 187 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:26,439 Just anything on a stick. Whatever you want on a stick. 188 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,799 I just don't understand why they're eating all this. 189 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,359 At home, restaurants would get closed down for having a cockroach in the kitchen. 190 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,679 Yet here, it's a starter. 191 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:42,519 I didn't think it'd be this mental, really, in the food department. 192 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:48,599 There's a woman over there just tucking in on a... on just scorpions. 193 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,326 Look at her, like she's just having a bit of chicken leg. 194 00:09:52,327 --> 00:09:54,039 Just shoving them in her face. 195 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,261 She looks at it before she puts it in her mouth, 196 00:09:57,262 --> 00:09:59,359 like, ''Oh, yeah, which bit will I have first? 197 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,319 'The head or the arse?' 198 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,981 As she's eating one off one stick, she's looking 199 00:10:03,982 --> 00:10:06,159 at the other stick. She can't get enough. 200 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:07,838 It's like they're doughnuts to her. 201 00:10:07,839 --> 00:10:10,479 She's going, ''Oh, look at that one, that one looks nice.'; 202 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:16,239 I don't know where it stops. Where's the line between food and insect? 203 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,919 She gets up in the morning, there's a spider in the bath, what does she do? 204 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:23,719 'Oh, good, l'll leave the croissant for tomorrow, I'll eat that now.' 205 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,519 What's he eating? 206 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,519 Oh, God! What sort of egg is that? 207 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:36,119 (Man) It's a fetus... inside an egg. 208 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,319 (Karl) A fetus? 209 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,159 I don't want any. 210 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,119 Just for people watching who don't know, he's with us, 211 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,279 helping drive the bus and what have you. 212 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,079 He seems like a normal bloke. I mean, eating a fetus. 213 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:58,599 Not even waiting for the thing to be born and to live a bit and then eat it. 214 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,159 I mean, a fetus. 215 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,265 Only been here for a bit, I'm running out of these. 216 00:11:05,266 --> 00:11:06,719 I've got three more packets left. 217 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,879 But you know, the weird thing is, I'm the freak here. 218 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,919 Everyone is eating that, I'm eating these. 219 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,639 I'm the odd one out. 220 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,959 I had my name done. That says Karl. 221 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,879 Could be that way. Could be that way. 222 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,668 I dunno. It's one or the other. 223 00:11:29,669 --> 00:11:32,359 Could be that way, let's face it. I don't know. 224 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,199 Could be any way. 225 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,159 I'm sure if you're Chinese and you're watching this, 226 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,239 you know if I've got it the right way up. 227 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,279 But there you go, that says Karl. 228 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,519 I mean, I haven't got Suzanne a gift yet. I could just give her this 229 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,119 and say, 'Yeah, it says Suzanne, that.' 230 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,239 She wouldn't know. 231 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,039 Well, I'm here to see the Great Wall, aren't I? 232 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:06,359 You know, one of the Wonders of the World, but I'm just not in the mood. 233 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:10,719 Honestly. I'm still knackered, I'm still jet-lagged 234 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:14,679 and just the weirdness of China, that tires you out on its own. 235 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,679 - (Amplified buzzing tune) - What's all the noise out there? 236 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,719 (Bicycle bells, moped horns) 237 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,934 It's like one o'clock in the morning at home. 238 00:12:23,935 --> 00:12:25,279 I've got a message. 239 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,380 Do people really believe that, er... 240 00:12:52,381 --> 00:12:55,799 I mean, are people taking kids in and saying to him... 241 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,239 "Right, here's my kid. What's his future gonna be like?" 242 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:05,039 If his life is gonna be a load of shite anyway, end it. Do him a favour. 243 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,879 But then it doesn't always work like that. That's what I mean with fate. 244 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,959 I didn't do that well at school, I left with an E in history, 245 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,959 so say if my dad knew that, he'd go, "Right, get the brick," 246 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,399 and that'd be the end of it, whereas I've done all right, I've got a job, 247 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,519 I'm paying my way in life. 248 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:26,039 I have got a bit of a problem with this. A mate has sent me here to have this done. 249 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,119 I'm not happy about it, really. 250 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:32,719 I sort of think I'm better off not knowing. If something bad's going to happen, 251 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,679 I'd prefer it just to happen without having a warning. 252 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,359 Time I was born... 253 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:44,519 He's got a Palm Pilot. I didn't expect him to have a Palm Pilot. Quite futuristic. 254 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,119 Do you know who Bruce Springsteen is? 255 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,959 He's got the same birth date as me. 256 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,039 (Fortune-teller replies) 257 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:54,999 (Translator) I don't know what you're talking about. 258 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,039 I'm concentrating on calculating your future. 259 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,999 All right. 260 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,879 (Fortune-teller speaks) 261 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,719 (Translator) You have to pay attention to your health 262 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,199 because you've got some sort of heart problem. 263 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,239 Oh, here we go. 264 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,479 What sort of heart problem? 265 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:20,199 (Translator) Something to do with your heart blood vessel. 266 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,759 It's weird, that, cos my dad had a problem with his heart 267 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,599 and they say it runs in the family. 268 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,799 Is it gonna kill me, then? 269 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:29,999 (Fortune-teller speaks) 270 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,039 (Translator) 90%. 271 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,039 - 90%? - Mm. 272 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,719 Brilliant. 273 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,919 - (Fortune-teller speaks) - (Translator) But maybe we can change it. 274 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:46,679 Although you have some health problem, we're gonna do a ceremony for you. 275 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,959 But you do need to write a confession about what you did wrong. 276 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:54,399 Something I did wrong? Something I did wrong in the past? 277 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,159 - Mm. - Good one. 278 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:07,919 (Translator) You need to write three confessions on the three pieces of paper. 279 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:09,479 All right. 280 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,599 When I lived in the other flat, there was a fella who used to live in it called Bruce 281 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,279 and I used to get his post and I'd open it. 282 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:24,559 It was his old flat. I kept getting post for him years after he'd moved out. 283 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:26,879 See, it's meant to be bad, that, innit? 284 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:32,239 Carl Grimshaw, I put putty in his hair and he had to have his head shaved. 285 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,279 That was a bit tight, wasn't it? 286 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:38,679 And he had a funny-shaped head so it looked really bad. I'll put that down. 287 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:43,599 Carl Grimshaw, for putting putty in his hair. 288 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:50,519 I worked at this bloke's shop, called Bob. I was his best paperboy. 289 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:55,439 So I'd collate all my papers, get 'em all ready, stick 'em in my bag. 290 00:15:55,560 --> 00:16:00,479 When he wasn't looking, I'd sort of take a Mars Bar, slip it up my sleeve, off I go. 291 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:05,759 So every day, seven a week for about... two years. 292 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,999 A lot of Mars Bars, I know that, that's why it's on here. 293 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,639 It's always been playing my mind, that. 294 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:15,479 Cos I've since found out that shop doesn't make much money from delivering papers. 295 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,119 Hiya. 296 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:25,439 (Translator) This is a healing process. 297 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,919 Now everything gonna be fine. 298 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:33,519 The other two papers, one needs to be put on top of mountain, 299 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,359 the other one needs to be put in the sea. 300 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,679 It will help you to cleanse your soul. 301 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,439 Brilliant. 302 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,559 Thanks a lot. 303 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,479 Just give us a second. 304 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,239 Just give us a sec. 305 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,799 You are kidding me. 306 00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:59,959 Have you seen this? 307 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,319 Have you seen the things? 308 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,399 There's no doors or anything. 309 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,719 As soon as you open the door, you could just get a full view of someone. 310 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:12,199 If it was here, it's more understandable, isn't it, because you'd be sat here, 311 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:15,879 and at least people come in and you'd sort of go, "I'm in this one." 312 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,759 But it's a bit weird to just sort of wander in and... 313 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:23,719 I mean, they've made this bit, why not finish it off and put a door on it? 314 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,959 They've done the hard bit. Couple of hinges and a door. 315 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,439 And there's no toilet paper. 316 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,600 What do they do here? Do they just pull up 317 00:17:32,601 --> 00:17:34,799 their pants and walk off? Is that what you do? 318 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,239 I'm not here to say they should use toilet paper. 319 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,220 If that's not what they do, that's not what they do. 320 00:17:39,221 --> 00:17:41,079 It's just, I didn't know that. 321 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,900 I didn't think China was gonna be like this. 322 00:17:42,901 --> 00:17:44,599 I thought it was gonna be more... 323 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,599 Like I said, I thought it was where they made the iPod. 324 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,399 I think I've got the wrong place because this ain't a place where they need an iPod. 325 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:52,799 Have a toilet roll first. 326 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,559 It's weird cos whenever you buy stuff like that, toilet roll holders, 327 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,239 it says, "Made In China". 328 00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:01,079 Why aren't they using them, then? 329 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:06,439 That's odd. He's got to leave the house, "Do I feel like one today? 330 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,199 "I might do, I've had a dicky belly, I'd best get my seat." 331 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,759 Everyone knows he's gonna have a shit at some point today. 332 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,199 I wouldn't like that. 333 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,560 You know when I go into a public toilet and you 334 00:18:22,561 --> 00:18:24,759 like to nip in with a coin and open the door? 335 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,359 Well, you couldn't do that here cos there's no doors on the toilets. 336 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,839 (Ricky laughs) 337 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:37,159 They were filming some stuff on this street, just tragic and stuff, 338 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,999 I said, "I'm just nipping in here." 339 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,559 Walked in, was greeted by two fellas squatting. 340 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:46,239 They were chefs from the place on the corner, so that's reassuring. 341 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,719 Honest to God, one of 'em was on the phone taking an order. 342 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,479 - It was really... - (Laughs) 343 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,959 I've never seen anything like it, I don't think I could never get used to that. 344 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,039 You need to have your space when doing that, and they're just there. 345 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,559 One's on the phone, the other one's just looking round. 346 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:04,799 (Karl) Yeah. 347 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,420 Well, he looked like he was saying, "I'll have it 348 00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:18,439 ready in, like, five minutes... No, give me ten." 349 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,799 Or a King Poo chicken. 350 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,599 (Ricky laughs) 351 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,399 Yeah, well, I'm seeing the Great Wall today, aren't I? 352 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,060 Ricky and Steve just said, "Get down to the 353 00:19:38,061 --> 00:19:40,599 bus depot, where there's loads of coaches," 354 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,999 which, you know, I'm not looking forward to this. 355 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,839 Pilkington? Pilkington? 356 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,180 Do you know what I mean? Getting on a bus full 357 00:19:47,181 --> 00:19:49,399 of tourists with a fella stood at the front, 358 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,999 yapping on with loads of history facts. 359 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:55,199 Just loads of stuff that you're never gonna remember. 360 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,919 Is he an English bus? English tour? 361 00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,919 You not understand? 362 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,959 Ricky and Steve just said come here... 363 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,159 Sorry. Sorry. 364 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,279 - Hello. - Thanks a lot. Hello. 365 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,679 (Man speaking Chinese) 366 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:28,799 It's a bit of a pointless exercise, really. It's pointless. 367 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:34,159 Stuck on here with a daft hat on, not understanding what's going on. 368 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:39,239 I mean, this woman's friendly enough but even she's blanking me now. 369 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,319 (Coughing) 370 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,079 (Hawks and spits) 371 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,919 (Man hawking and spitting) 372 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,719 The fella behind me is coughing his guts up. 373 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,780 I thought I was putting on a waterproof coat in 374 00:20:58,781 --> 00:21:00,959 case it rained. I need it just for on this bus. 375 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,959 Why do they do that? (Snorting and hawking) 376 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,079 Here's the wall. 377 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,759 Can't see it now anyway so it'll be a surprise for me. 378 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,399 How long does it take to get there? 379 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,279 (Chattering) 380 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,039 I feel like I'm at a post office on OAP day. 381 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:37,159 A Wonder of the World. 382 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:48,239 Look at everyone, pushing and shoving. 383 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,519 This is it, then. 384 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:59,039 It was heavily restored in both the 1950s and 1980s. 385 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,759 I didn't know that. They're not even old bricks. 386 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:09,399 Am I missing something here? So the old stuff's gone, hasn't it, really. 387 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,679 But then it doesn't count, it shouldn't be a Wonder, then. 388 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,639 You can't just build something on it and still get all the tourists in 389 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,879 when it's not what it says on the tin. 390 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,999 What I'm looking at is basically a Wimpey Home. 391 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,679 You know, you can see it for miles. It goes on for miles over the hills. 392 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,719 But so does the M6. 393 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:32,380 Do you know what I mean? 394 00:22:32,381 --> 00:22:33,919 You can see that for miles. And you go "great". 395 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,479 And that does a job. You can drive on that. 396 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,319 Black bears are here. 397 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,800 What's this all about though? It's almost 398 00:22:48,801 --> 00:22:51,279 like they know that the wall isn't that good. 399 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,540 It's like, "What else can we give 'em? 400 00:22:53,541 --> 00:22:55,679 We've charged 'em seven quid to see an old wall." 401 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,239 "It's not an old wall, it's from the 1980s." 402 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:02,439 "I've got a mate who's got some bears." "Have you? Stick 'em down at the bottom." 403 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:07,039 There you are. Look at him, stood up. Evolution. 404 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,319 The driver's getting involved, chucking it food, cos he's not into apple, is he? 405 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,159 I've seen what he likes eating. 406 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,879 If that was some sort of squid with a tumor on its head, 407 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,559 he'd be tucking into it. 408 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:18,319 He's not into fruit. 409 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,439 I fancy getting in there and getting a mouthful. 410 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,439 It's the first normal food I've seen since I've been here. 411 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,359 (Voice-mail) You have one new message. 412 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,839 What's the point of that? 413 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:02,479 Yeah, I'm just a bit annoyed today cos I thought I'd seen the Great Wall of China, 414 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:06,639 which, being honest with you, it's not the Great Wall, it's an all right wall. 415 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,639 It's the All Right Wall of China. 416 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,559 But you know, I thought I'd seen it, and then Steve calls up with some bright idea, 417 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:17,239 saying, "Oh, I want you to see more of it. In fact, I want you to see all of it." 418 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:18,639 It's just stupid. 419 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,759 (Voice-mail) You have one new message. 420 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,239 (Ricky) Oooh... 421 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,079 Are they having a laugh? 422 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,599 This isn't the Great Wall, is it? You're kidding me. 423 00:24:57,080 --> 00:25:00,079 I mean, I like the way there's no tourists and that. 424 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,559 But then why would there be? 425 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:09,879 This is the original wall, isn't it? Or is it? I dunno, is it just badly done? 426 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,599 This is pretty shit, isn't it? 427 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:18,239 You're meant to be able to see it from the moon, aren't you, the Great Wall? 428 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:22,919 Would you want to? Neil Armstrong getting his binoculars out. 429 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:26,079 "Fuckin' hell, have you seen it? Come up here, Buzz." 430 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,159 Jesus. 431 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:36,519 The fortune-teller told me that I had to get rid of one of my sins on a mountain. 432 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,639 So I might as well do it whilst I'm up here. 433 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:45,879 That was the one about Carl Grimshaw getting putty in his hair. 434 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,799 But you know, it's worth doing, isn't it? 435 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,959 If it means I'm not gonna have a heart attack. 436 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,079 Well, I've been traveling for three days. 437 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,460 I've walked miles, and let's face it, there's 438 00:26:01,461 --> 00:26:03,719 only so much time you can look at anything, 439 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:05,999 and the only reason I've come to this bit of the wall 440 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:08,599 is because Steve said that there's a little village close by 441 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,879 and he knows someone who's gonna sort me some dinner out. 442 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,879 - Miau. - Mia... 443 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,359 Are you all right? 444 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:22,639 He's a big lad. 445 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:28,759 Erm... Just a little, little bit. 446 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,279 Little bit of... 447 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,359 Not big. 448 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:33,599 Oh, full. 449 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,719 Well, they seem like nice people. I can tell that, just... 450 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,599 even though I can't speak their language and stuff. 451 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,399 They've got some food for me. 452 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,840 It's nice but it's just a bit awkward if it's 453 00:26:44,841 --> 00:26:47,159 something I don't like because I can't... 454 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:51,399 You know, you can use your hands to say certain things, 455 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,559 but what can you do if it's something I don't like? 456 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,919 I can't sort of make a lie up. 457 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,959 What is that? What is that? 458 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,959 Right, forget it. 459 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:06,879 Forget it. 460 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:10,039 It's... Fuckin' hell, massive toads. 461 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,239 Yeah, it's toads in a carrier bag. 462 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:14,919 Oh, I looked at the wrong time. 463 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,860 I didn't want to look but when I turned round it 464 00:27:19,861 --> 00:27:21,919 looked like she was having a wrestle with one. 465 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:27,279 And I heard like, "Doof! Doof!" So I'm guessing the toad wasn't winning. 466 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,480 And I've been told it tastes like chicken so I 467 00:27:30,481 --> 00:27:32,679 should just eat it and think, "It's chicken." 468 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:34,719 Just nice chicken. 469 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:36,399 Why did she have to cave its head in out here? 470 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:37,880 - Why couldn't she do it inside, then I'd eat it. 471 00:27:37,881 --> 00:27:39,239 - (Woman calls) 472 00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:42,519 Tell me after. All right, yeah, I'll... In a minute. 473 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:46,839 If they knew we were coming, couldn't they have just got something normal? 474 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,839 Why didn't you say to them, 475 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:52,239 "Look, is it all right if I bring Karl round, cook him something?" 476 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:54,120 "Yeah, course you can. What does he like to eat? 477 00:27:54,121 --> 00:27:55,879 Does he like toad?" 478 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,199 Surely, I know you don't know me that well, 479 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,240 but you know me enough... I've never said to 480 00:28:00,241 --> 00:28:02,159 you, "You know what? I'd love a bit of toad." 481 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,159 I've never said that to you. 482 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:08,519 You could have just nipped it in the bud and gone, "He's not a fan of that. 483 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:10,559 "Doesn't like it." 484 00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:12,879 They're waving me over. 485 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,679 (Sighs) 486 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:20,519 Look at this, it's like a murder scene. Bit of toad's head there. 487 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,039 Oh, look at this! 488 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,359 Chicken, chicken, chicken... 489 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,119 Just a little bit cos I'm not very good with these. 490 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:33,999 He's better than me. 491 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:36,119 That just looks like noodles. 492 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,199 Mm, nice. Mm. Lots of that. 493 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:45,839 I love it, love. Mm. 494 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,079 Oh, just... I'm just chewing. 495 00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:58,079 I think the baby's choking. Hang on. 496 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:00,679 Eating toad was weird. Erm... 497 00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,399 I had a little bit of toad. 498 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:09,959 Like, er... 499 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:12,119 Chicken. It's just chicken. 500 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:16,319 This woman was forcing it to me. She was saying, "Oh, eat it, eat it." 501 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,959 (Coughs and gags) 502 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:24,119 Oh! Oh, I'm not a fan! 503 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,620 It kept coming back up. It was like it was alive 504 00:29:26,621 --> 00:29:28,999 and the legs were kicking itself out of my head. 505 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:31,159 (Ricky laughs) 506 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:32,559 (Gags) 507 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:34,759 Right, no more. 508 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,079 What's he making, then? 509 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:48,919 Not a toilet door, I know that much. 510 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:50,599 Hello. 511 00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:54,439 What are you making? What is this? 512 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:55,999 (Translator) Coffin. 513 00:29:56,520 --> 00:30:01,239 A coffin? Is this for someone local? 514 00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:05,559 - (Translator) This lady here. - It's for this lady? 515 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,519 She looks pretty healthy. 516 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:13,279 (Translator) It's better to make it now. When you're young you prepare those things. 517 00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:16,399 When you're old you won't be able to organize this. 518 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:19,639 Doesn't it depress you, seeing this every day when you leave your house? 519 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:23,479 Not the way it looks, it's a nice-looking coffin, as coffins go. 520 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:26,799 But I don't want to be reminded that I'm gonna die, not every day. 521 00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:32,039 (Translator) I'm not scared of death, I'm not worried about it. 522 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:34,039 All right. 523 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,759 (Translator) Maybe you can help me sanding the coffin. 524 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:45,959 I mean, my flat isn't big enough to have something like this hanging around 525 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:49,799 and I haven't got any outside space, so I'd have to have a parking permit for this. 526 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:51,839 So I couldn't be doing this at home, 527 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:55,319 but there's something good about it 528 00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:58,559 because as you get older - you know, she's in her 60s... 529 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:01,679 it's a nice little project, isn't it? 530 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:03,760 She's got an allotment. This is probably sorted 531 00:31:03,761 --> 00:31:05,719 out, she doesn't have to worry about that, 532 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,759 the house is probably paid for, 533 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:09,999 you need something to do to keep you going. 534 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,079 If you haven't got any little projects, that's when you die. 535 00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:18,199 So in a way... It's just something that when she goes to bed at night, 536 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:20,519 she's got a little to-do list in her head. 537 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:23,559 "Coffin needs to be varnished, I'll have to sort that out." 538 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:27,199 There's not much else round here, is there, to keep your mind busy. 539 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,479 Look at this, he's gone off now. He's having his lunch. 540 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:37,359 He's left me here doing this. 541 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:06,439 (Voice-mail) You have one new message. 542 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:27,239 (Karl) Fuckin' Kung Fu? What do I want to see Kung Fu for? 543 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,079 Violent, isn't it? 544 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:48,519 It's pretty impressive the way everyone's remembered their kit. 545 00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:50,719 It was never like this for me at school. 546 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,460 About 25 minutes was spent with all the kids 547 00:32:53,461 --> 00:32:55,719 trying to find a pair of shorts in lost property 548 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:57,759 cos no one ever remembered to bring their kit. 549 00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,839 So it was more like a Trinny and Susannah than a PE lesson, 550 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,599 people going "Are these your type?" "I'll wear them." 551 00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,919 Just, it wasn't taken seriously. 552 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:10,719 The PE teacher wasn't a proper PE teacher, he did geography when he wasn't doing PE. 553 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:13,279 That's why we have a load of fat kids. 554 00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:16,999 Leo, how are you? 555 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:24,119 Welcome to Shaolin, and where the origin of Kung Fu coming from. 556 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,479 And you welcome to see the Kung Fu training. 557 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:29,119 (Karl) All right. 558 00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:31,319 - Yeah... - This is metal. 559 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:34,719 - All right. - They were going to put on our throat. 560 00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:38,959 Even I use my finger, just have a little touch. 561 00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,879 All right! Just tell me. You don't have to do... Yeah. 562 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:44,020 - And you will have a very big shock on body. 563 00:33:44,021 --> 00:33:46,039 - Yeah, I did. 564 00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:49,599 Ooh! 565 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:00,719 That's got to hurt, though, hasn't it. 566 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:07,239 So I'll see you outside the hotel, sort of half-four, quarter to five. 567 00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:09,519 4am. OK. 568 00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:13,239 Four in the morning? Are you having a laugh? 569 00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:18,279 Is he having a laugh? 570 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:20,639 I can't tell, they're hard to read. 571 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:24,759 Right. That's good, isn't it? 572 00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:29,079 I've been walking the wall for the last few days, aching all over, 573 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:32,959 and now he wants me to get up at four in the morning to do some Kung Fu. 574 00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:35,079 That's nice and relaxing, isn't it? 575 00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:38,919 He just went... 576 00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:40,799 Like that. 577 00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:43,159 Oh! 578 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:46,639 Ai! 579 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:49,239 (Quietly) Come on. 580 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:53,639 Where did he hit it? He hit it there, didn't he? 581 00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:55,479 No. 582 00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:57,239 Ooh! 583 00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:58,959 Come on. 584 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:02,279 (Exhales) 585 00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:05,719 No. 586 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:14,759 - (Doorbell) - (Karl) For fuck's sake. 587 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,999 You are late. In two minutes, downstairs. 588 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:26,559 He wasn't joking, was he, when he said he was gonna come round at four. 589 00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:30,159 I thought he was just having a bit of fun with me. 590 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:32,399 Nice start to the day. The moon's still out. 591 00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:33,919 (Birds chirping) 592 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:37,319 Yeah. The thing is, I don't know what power I've got. 593 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:42,039 That's the thing. If I start wrestling with him, I don't know how strong I am. 594 00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:44,880 I might do some damage, by accident. 595 00:35:44,881 --> 00:35:47,599 Cos I don't go about punching people and stuff, 596 00:35:47,720 --> 00:35:49,919 so I don't know how hard I can hit. 597 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:52,439 I might really hurt him. 598 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:56,239 Say if I'm a proper mugger, I'm walking down the street, I look at you... 599 00:35:56,360 --> 00:36:00,199 - I'm going this way, yes. - Hang on. Get back a bit. 600 00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:02,820 So I'm walking down the street and I think, 601 00:36:02,821 --> 00:36:05,319 "This fella looks like he's got a few quid." 602 00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:09,519 And I'd go..."Excuse me, you haven't got the time on you, have you? 603 00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:10,959 "Give us your money." 604 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:12,319 Ah! All right! 605 00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:14,559 Give us your money. 606 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:17,399 - Oof! Right, yeah, yeah. - Watch what happens. 607 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:19,479 I know, yeah. I got it the first time. 608 00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:21,319 - Come on, go! - All right! 609 00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:24,079 Quickly! Faster! Come on! Come on! 610 00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:25,319 Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! 611 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:27,159 Mm! Mm! Mm! 612 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:28,599 Fuck off! 613 00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:31,319 Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm! 614 00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:32,839 Fuckin' that! 615 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:36,840 He doesn't know what my health is. 616 00:36:36,841 --> 00:36:39,199 At no point has he gone, "No, Karl, it's a serious issue, 617 00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:41,399 "have you got any health problems?" 618 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:43,399 He's always pushing a little bit more. 619 00:36:43,520 --> 00:36:46,239 He loves giving pain out. He's not a Buddhist, he's a lunatic. 620 00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:53,279 Right. Right! 621 00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:56,639 What am I doing? Seriously, what is going on here? 622 00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:00,639 OK, Karl, I give you a challenge. 623 00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,079 What sort of challenge? 624 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:05,679 (Yells) 625 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:07,519 What's the other challenge? 626 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:11,239 The glass... Balloon. 627 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:15,999 I'm going to throw the needle from this way to get this balloon. 628 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:18,679 You're gonna throw a needle through the glass? 629 00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:19,719 Yes. 630 00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:22,079 - Hit the balloon, hole in glass? - Yes. 631 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,439 So you're... Hey! Hang on a minute! Right. 632 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,959 One, two... 633 00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:32,519 No way! 634 00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:35,439 Jesus! 635 00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:39,279 - I'm impressed with that. - You want to have a try? 636 00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:42,879 Here we go. Quiet, please. 637 00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:44,559 Quiet, please. 638 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:49,599 Hm! 639 00:37:51,720 --> 00:37:53,839 (Laughter) 640 00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:10,199 Sorry about that. 641 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:13,759 I'm not cut out for Kung Fu, I know that much. 642 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:20,119 That shouldn't hurt, should it? Just having a cup of tea. 643 00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:31,680 With all these aches and pains, Ricky and Steve 644 00:38:31,681 --> 00:38:33,799 have sorted me out with a Chinese massage, 645 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:36,439 which isn't like them, that. 646 00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:39,959 Get the socks off? 647 00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:42,879 That's how it starts, isn't it? 648 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,039 You are having a laugh. Come on now. 649 00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:49,119 My God. 650 00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:53,439 See that? Is that normal? 651 00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:55,279 Fuckin' hell! 652 00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,439 Stay back here. 653 00:38:57,560 --> 00:38:59,679 Fooey! 654 00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:02,359 Right, that's hot now. That's mental. 655 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,319 That's hot, that's hot! Fuckin' hell! 656 00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:08,079 What is she doing? What is she doing? 657 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:09,879 I've seen massages on the telly, 658 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:13,279 you don't normally have to have a fire extinguisher on standby. 659 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:17,559 - What is this doing? - (Man) It's a traditional Chinese massage. 660 00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:20,639 But tell me why. Why is this traditional Chinese massage? 661 00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:24,599 - It relaxes... - No, it doesn't relax me. What does it do? 662 00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:26,359 Why is she setting fire to me? 663 00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,180 What good is it doing me? 664 00:39:28,181 --> 00:39:29,879 Don't just stand there saying it's traditional. 665 00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:33,159 It's traditional, it's a delicacy. What is she doing? 666 00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:36,319 When have gloves on fire ever been associated with having a massage? 667 00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:39,239 Ah! I can feel it. I can feel it. 668 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:41,519 - I might as well have walked in there... - Aaagh! 669 00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:44,039 and been greeted by Edward Scissor-hands. 670 00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:48,999 Right, I felt that. Put it out. Put it out, please! 671 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:51,760 It's not a good sort of combination that, really. 672 00:39:51,761 --> 00:39:54,119 Something done like that, 673 00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:56,159 with a woman who can't understand me. 674 00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:59,919 This leg's fine, tell her. This leg is great. 675 00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,359 I just want this one doing, then we can go. 676 00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:06,639 - (Laughing) - Ah! That's hot now. 677 00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:10,279 Maybe she's just a frustrated magician or something. 678 00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:11,479 Aaaagh! 679 00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:13,799 Couldn't get a gig doing magic, 680 00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:17,239 ends up doing back rubs and she's come up with an idea with gloves on fire. 681 00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:20,479 Aaaagh! 682 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,159 I screamed me head off, didn't I, cos it was... 683 00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:27,439 And I'm not messing for the cameras, cos I don't really do that. 684 00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:28,959 It really hurt. 685 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,839 - (Beeping) - (Cries out and exhales) 686 00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:35,039 What was that bleeping sound? Fire alarm? 687 00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:42,479 Well, I've traveled miles, haven't I? And this is the end of it, is it? 688 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:46,239 I thought you were meant to save the best till last, but what is this? 689 00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:47,799 (Seagulls crying) 690 00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:49,879 Bloody hell. 691 00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:00,919 That's where it ends, isn't it? I haven't got another message from Steve 692 00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:04,959 saying "Get your snorkel out, you still haven't seen it all." 693 00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:08,399 - (Knocking sounds) - And this definitely isn't new, is it? 694 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:12,119 They've still got Handy Andy working on it by the sound of things. 695 00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:16,359 It doesn't feel like a Wonder of the World, does this bit. 696 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,719 I liked it up on the hills where nobody was, 697 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:21,319 but you've got a fella down there selling hot dogs. 698 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:24,439 They've built a bit of a conservatory on it over there. 699 00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:26,559 Bloke floggin' photographs. 700 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:28,599 And them lot banging. 701 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:31,039 It's nonstop. 702 00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:35,399 I don't get it though, how come... This isn't protecting anything, is it? 703 00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:38,399 Cos if the enemy was coming down there, 704 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:40,519 come across there, buy a hot dog, 705 00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:42,479 and they want to get over it. 706 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,479 You've only got to take your shoes and socks off, it's not even that deep there, 707 00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:47,319 you can just wander round it. 708 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:49,639 So what is it protecting? 709 00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:02,199 It's my last sin that I've got to get rid of. 710 00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:15,239 There's an old Chinese proverb, by this Mao fella, 711 00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:17,439 that says... 712 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:23,959 a toad in a well only gets to see some of the sky. 713 00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:28,799 And if the toad came up, he'd see more of the world... 714 00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,199 which, you know, is a bit like me in a way, 715 00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:36,039 I've seen more of the world just from doing this. 716 00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:39,839 I don't know if it's made me a better person or not, but he's saying it is, 717 00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:42,740 he's saying if you get out of the well and 718 00:42:42,741 --> 00:42:45,519 see the bigger picture... it's good for you. 719 00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:47,519 But I'd say it isn't. 720 00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:50,080 And it's not even worth getting out and seeing 721 00:42:50,081 --> 00:42:52,519 more sky here cos of all the pollution. 722 00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:55,479 And definitely if you're a toad, I wouldn't get out of any hole here, 723 00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:57,759 cos they'll cut your head off and eat you. 724 00:42:57,880 --> 00:42:59,880 ♪ La la la la 725 00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:23,959 ♪ La la la la ♪