Oh, check it out. It's Iguana Guy.
It's such an obvious ploy for attention.
That thing is... ugly and creepy.
Yeah, and he's got a lizard on his shoulder.
See what I did there? There was the guy and the lizard, and I switched 'em--
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Oh, he's got a nibble.
- Is she-- is she going in? - Oh, she's going in.
Do it, do it, do it.
Okay, okay, okay.
Wow, that's a really cool lizard.
Um, actually, Chester here is a South American horned iguana.
He's very rare. Do you want to know what he eats?
Yeah, totally, I'm very interested in the dietary habits of South African horned iguanas.
Well, I set out a frozen dinner and a TV tray.
And we cuddle in front of it and watch The Wheel together.
I want to have sex with you.
I appreciate that. And yet, that's too bad 'cause I don't know how to have sex.
There she goes.
Well, I don't care about women as long as I have you, buddy.
Oh, wait. Incoming, incoming.
- W-w-wait, let me do it this time. - Okay.
Uh, absol--uh. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, I--I--
Man, this is hard.
Hey, we're headed over to Chopstick City for an orange chicken blowout.
You guys wanna come?
Uh, no can do. I can't sit at the same table with you when you eat Chinese food.
Might as well toss food at a fan.
Yeah, I also gotta finish reading this for my date tonight.
Oh, what is it? Instructions on how to please a woman?
No. It's a short story Angela wrote. It's about a family of--
Hold on, hold on. Is there orange chicken in this story?
- No. - Then I don't care.
So you got another date with Angela?
Yeah. Did I tell you? She wants to be a writer.
So I told her I'd read her story and give her my feedback.
You know, as a professional.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a bad idea, Chief.
Why?
You are way too critical of other people's writing.
You correct the shopping list on the fridge.
Well, you guys need to learn to use commas, all right?
I spent an hour at the market last week looking for buttermilk turkey Jell-O.
Eyes on the prize, Ben.
If you want to get anywhere with this girl, you must stop reading that.
Otherwise you're just gonna nitpick it to death, and she's gonna hate you.
Will you relax? I know how to play this, all right?
I'm only skimming it so I know what it's about.
Skimming it?
Looks like you stabbed it to death.
Look, those are just helpful suggestions.
"No."
"God, no."
"Booooo."
Do you even want to have sex with this girl?
Yeah.
Okay. So here's your choice.
You can either be right. Or you can be laid.
Okay, you know how to order, right?
Yeah, yeah, you just stand in front of the urinal, unzip, and let it go--
Oh, wait! No, no, no! That's peeing! Um...
How do I order food, Bob?
No, no. I got a special ordering technique.
Gets you twice as much food for the same price.
I call it "The stall".
Okay, well, I'm hearing free food. Keep going.
All right. You get a two-item combo, right?
Yeah.
First item.
Orange chicken.
- Nice choice. - Thank you.
Now, while he's scooping your delicious orange chicken,
you pretend you're having a hard time deciding what your second item is.
That's the stall.
Now he's feeling awkward. He's got a spoon in his hand.
And he's been trained to scoop.
So that's exactly what he does.
The longer you stall, the more he scoops.
Really? How long will he keep scooping?
Dude, I stalled so long once, I had enough to reassemble an entire chicken.
There's no way that works.
Oh, yeah? Prepare to believe.
Uh, welcome to Chopstick City. One item or two?
Two. Definitely two. First item, orange chicken.
Okay.
And...
- Beef and broccoli. - Okay.
My friend, you have changed my world forever.
I've taught you to fish.
Now go to the river.
What can I get you?
Okay, uh, I'd like a two-item combo, first item orange chicken.
And...
Okay, look, if you're not ready to order, I need you to go the end of the line, okay?
No, uh, yeah, uh, beef and broccoli.
What the hell, man?
That didn't work.
Oh, sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you.
You gotta order from that dude.
That guy? He's stingy.
Well, can I have some of yours?
Sorry, dude. There is no reward for failure.
So you really liked my story?
Yeah, didn't I say I did?
Yeah, but you were kind of vague. Was there anything you didn't like?
No. No. Really good across the board.
Thanks, I'm-- I'm pretty proud of it.
Uh, you know-- There was one small thing.
- What? - Not a big deal.
Uh, you had a few run-on sentences. But I marked them for you.
Oh, I'm--I'm bad with those. I'll take a look.
Great.
But besides that?
Well, terrific.
I guess I just have a natural talent for writing.
One other... thing. Uh--
Uh, every time your heroine Sarah enters a room, you say that she glides.
Well, Sarah is very graceful. So.
But always gliding?
Is the floor slippery? Do they live on a glacier?
I guess I didn't realize.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
But besides that?
Terrific.
You know, I love how my story is epic in scope.
Yeah, about your epic scope.
Um, don't you think that six generations is a lot to cover in five pages?
'Cause that--that's a page a generation.
But that's kind of the point.
To show how each generation is doomed to repeat the mistakes of the previous one.
Yep.
Yep, I guess you're right. Yep, just Mr. Overthinker here. Bup, bup, bup.
Did--did you like any of it?
Of course. Of course. I-I-I-I--
I loved the part where Kyle finally stood up to his great-great-grandfather.
Although it did kind of ruin the moment where Sarah glided in.
Oh, God! I knew it! It's terrible!
No, no. It's not terrible. There's--there a lot of potential there, really.
Will you help me fix it?
Now?
We're doing the kissing thing now. There's a lot of potential there too--
Oh, please, Ben? You've obviously been thinking about it.
Don't you have some ideas?
Yes.
Okay. But you have to let me do the typing.
Fine, fine.
I'll make some coffee.
Oh...
I really appreciate this, Ben.
Now not only will my story be better, but it'll have less run-on sentences.
Fewer run-on sentences.
How's it going?
Listen, I heard you and your friends talking about me.
I don't, uh--
It's okay. You're not the only one to make fun of me.
We weren't making fun of you.
We were making fun of the guy behind you. The lame guy.
With no iguana.
Okay, look. I'm really sorry if we hurt your feelings.
It's all right. I get it.
I'm used to being stared at.
My mom had six fingers.
- Well, that doesn't seem-- - Six total.
Wow.
- Three and three? - Two and four.
She would've killed for three and three.
I'm sorry.
Don't sweat it. I got thick skin.
Kinda like my buddy Apollo here.
In many ways, he's my best friend.
Well, he is a handsome animal.
He is, isn't he?
You know what? I never do this.
I'm gonna let you hold him.
Oh, wow, that is really nice. But I'm actually allergic to shellfish.
And I don't know if this is-- aaaah!
There he is.
Wow, he really, uh-- really clamps on there.
He likes you. I can tell.
Listen, can I buy you another cup of coffee?
Oh, you don't have to do that. That's no--
I insist.
Okay, uh-- There he goes.
So... it's just the two of us, Apollo.
Me and a... tiny dinosaur.
Here you go, Jason. You know, I think it's really great how you've adopted that iguana.
Ho ho. I'm not adopting him. I'm just holding him for, uh--
Really? 'Cause, uh, that's not what he thinks. He just took off.
He what now?
Yeah. Oh, and he wanted me to tell you Apollo likes lettuce and grapes.
What! That son of a-- Th-th-that's not a grape.
That's not a grape! That's not a grape!
According to iguanacentral.com, iguanas need almost constant attention.
But whatever you do, never look them in the eye or they will attack you.
Great, so they're time-consuming and dangerous. This is the perfect pet.
Jason, you're not actually gonna keep that thing, are you?
What am I supposed to do? Leave it in the street?
Well, I was gonna say make a belt and some shoes, but your way is less work.
It's a living thing. I can't abandon it.
I looked in its eyes! Don't look in its eyes.
Here's a fun fact. Once a week, you need to clean its anal glands.
Or it will attack you.
Oh, and here it says they're happiest when you maintain frequent contact with them.
And if I don't?
Show me, "They'll attack you."
No, they'll molt.
And then attack you.
Super. Well, I've gotta go find the ass on this thing.
Hey.
Wow, are you just getting home?
That writer chick keep you up all night?
She did.
High five.
She kept me up all night rewriting her story.
High five withdrawn.
Seriously, Ben, why do you hate sex so much?
Ho, ho, ho. Sweet. Scoopy's flying solo. Let me go first.
Dude, be my guest.
I had an orange chicken nightmare last night.
Uh, can I help you?
Yes, as a matter of fact, you can.
I'd like the two-item combo, first, your divine orange chicken.
Coming right up.
And...
Oh, um, it looks like we're down to the last scoop. Do you still want it?
No, I do not, sir. Fresh batch of orange chicken. Thank you very much.
Orange chicken up!
You see what I did there?
You've got a gift for the game.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Second item?
Ah! Beef and broccoli.
Wow, someone's in a good mood tonight.
Well, I felt sort of bad. We spent our whole last date working on my story.
No, no. That's okay. You know, I felt like we really found your voice.
Ben, you are so sweet.
You're never gonna believe this, but I gave the rewrite to a friend of mine
who submitted it to a friend of hers at Granta.
And they're going to publish it!
They're gonna what now?
Publish me! Come here and congratulate me.
Uh, but, uh-- Granta's, like, the premiere literary magazine.
Are you sure that it wasn't a college publication or a family newsletter?
No, I'm sure. It's Granta.
What's the matter?
You know, it's just-- Just that I haven't even been published in that magazine. So--
Oh. Well, it feels great.
Hey. Maybe I could help you with one of your stories since you helped me?
"Helped" you?
I wrote that story. The only thing we kept from your version was the font!
You know, I-I-I'm basically being published under your name, so.
You know what?
I was afraid this would happen.
You're fine when I'm the girl who needs your help.
But the minute I get a little success, you--oh! You can't handle it.
What? That's--that's not true!
God, I knew it was a mistake to date another writer.
Another?
Oh, okay. That's it.
Good luck finding a woman who will sacrifice her success for your ego.
Because I won't.
Fine, fine. But next time you need help working on a story, don't come gliding to me!
Bro, I don't know how many more times I can eat here.
Quit your whining. We're not giving up until I stall my way
into a pile of orange chicken the size of your oddly large head.
Well, that was uncalled for.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, remember, just to be clear, I get Scoopy, you get Stingy.
Sorry, bro, I'm not ordering.
I'm burnt out on Chinese.
But I-I need you to time this out right.
Ready to order?
Uh, hey--hey, do you want to go ahead of me?
Thank you, son.
Yeah, of course. Of course.
Duh dah dah dah! Slow down, sister. Just gramps.
Here you go. It's, uh, been a pleasure serving you.
And it's a pleasure serving you all.
Oh, ho, ho. What are you talking about?
That was my last customer.
I'm done here.
I got a job at the Gap.
Congrats, dude.
You know what this means?
Unlimited pants.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. You're not going anywhere, Scoopy.
My name's Pat.
Not today it isn't.
Now, you're gonna serve me.
Or I'm gonna make it my life's mission to follow you around that store,
just unfolding sweaters and tossing the relaxed fit into the slim fit bin.
I'll do it!
Who are you?
I'm your last customer.
And now, two-item combo. First item, orange chicken.
And...
Uh, beef and broccoli.
Thank you. Thank you.
May you fold in peace.
I totally blew it with Angela.
What is wrong with me? I'm never gonna get a girlfriend.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You got a lot going for you.
Your looks, your smarts.
Your lack of iguana.
Hey, Jase, Ben.
Iguana.
No luck at the pet store?
They wouldn't take him without a receipt.
Then I tried to leave him there and run out,
but I tripped on a corgi and fell into a tank of feeder mice.
Speaking of feeder mice, delicious.
Well, on the bright side, iguanacentral.com says they only live, like, 20 years.
And let me guess, before they die, they attack you.
Uh-oh. He's extending his dorsal spine. I better get him some lettuce fast.
- Hi. - Hi.
What kind of lizard is that?
It's an iguana. It's from, um...
I don't know, how about South America?
Well, I take baths with him.
And sometimes I scratch him behind his ear hole.
What does he eat?
Mostly vegetables. And when I'm sleeping, my hair.
I haven't had sex with a human since 1997, so--
Excuse us.
Sure.
Hey. Cut it out.
Cut what out?
I know what you're doing.
I'm the Iguana Guy. Ha ha ha.
All right. Sorry, man. We were just trying to have a little fun.
We didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Well, you did.
After all, he's pretty much my only friend.
Oh, really.
Yeah.
Hey, you know, I never do this.
But, uh, I'm gonna let you hold him.
And in other news, the popular Chopstick City restaurant was forced to close down today
after food tested positive for salmonella, hepatitis A, and traces of reptile feces.
Strangely, the only dish affected was the orange chicken.
It is unclear how many people were stricken.
It was worth it.