Aurora 10 community access
Channel.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> all right!
>> it's Friday, it's 10:30, it's
Time to party.
I'm your excellent host, wayne
Campbell.
With me as always is garth.
>> party on, wayne.
>> party on, garth.
>> so, garth, what's been going
On?
>> well, as you may remember,
The last time you saw me, I got
Pubes.
>> good work, my friend.
>> what's been going on with
You, wayne?
>> well, last month strangely
Enough a monkey literally flew
Out of my butt.
[ laughter ]
>> no way.
>> way!
>> no way.
>> way!
>> okay.
>> that was fun, okay.
All right.
>> I love that way.
>> yeah, that was good.
>> okay.
It's oscar time.
So now we bring you our oscar
Picks.
>> it's wayne's world, oscar
Picks, wayne's world, oscar
Picks!
>> all right.
>> what a year in film it's
Been.
>> really?
>> a veritable feast for the
Cine-files amongest us.
>> yes.
And best of all this year there
Was a movie called "winter's
Bone."
[ laughter ]
>> no, seriously, people.
We didn't make it up.
The film is called "winter's
Bone."
Garth, garth, have you seen it?
>> no, my mom wouldn't let me.
>> your mom?
How old are you?
>> it was never determined.
[ laughter ]
>> okay.
Let's go to our picks for best
Actor.
>> I like javier bardem.
>> it's pronounced javier
Bardem.
>> oh, well, excuse me I feel
Like a total herk-off!
>> for the best actress.
Natalie portman is so hot in
"black swan."
>> yeah, she's so hot I could
Make a mila out of her kunis.
[ laughter ]
>> did you kiss your mother with
That mouth?
>> I don't kiss my mom on the
Mouth.
>> really?
Everyone else does.
>> hey!
[ laughter ]
>> that's my mom, wayne!
Come on.
My mom.
>> I know.
>> I only have one.
>> I know.
Okay.
Our oscar pick for best actress
Goes to jennifer lawrence.
From "winter's bone."
And why?
>> "winter's bone."
>> this film has not yet been
Rated.
>> okay.
>> all right.
Best supporting actor, and the
Oscar pick goes to john hawkes.
>> oh, really?
What movie is he in?
>> "winter's bone."
>> this film has not yet been
Seen.
Let's talk about the oscar
Hosts.
The oscar hosts.
James franco and anne hathaway.
>> yeah.
Anne hath a way of giving me a
Bone.
[ laughter ]
>> "winter's bone."
>> this joke has been done three
Times.
Okay.
Now, best picture.
There's ten nominees.
So it's a tough one this year.
Let's start with "the fighter."
I love marky mark in this
Especially with his shirt off.
I thought he was super sexy.
>> what?
>> sorry.
That was an inside thought.
>> all right.
>> moving on.
>> "the king's speech."
This is the film with collin
Firth and helena bonham carter
Are had c-c-couple and in the
End they get together and they
F-f forgive each other.
>> yeah, in the butt.
>> well deconstructed.
>> "toy story 3."
>> I can't believe a teenage boy
Doesn't want to play with his
Woody anymore.
>> not believable.
>> next, "127 hours."
>> well, that was some good
Armless fun.
>> yeah.
>> no arms.
>> yeah, I remember.
>> all right.
Okay.
"true grit" where jeff bridges
Has an eye patch.
>> I may be damning this with
Faint praise but I think it was
My favorite cycloptic
Performance of the year.
>> technically just because he
Has an eye patch doesn't mean
He's a cyclops.
>> thank you, garth.
A nerd says what?
>> what?
>> a nerd says what?
>> what.
>> the kids are all right.
>> a lot of steamy action in
That movie.
Annette bening on julianne moore
And julianne moore on mark
Ruffalo.
>> wait, she wasn't on collin
Firth?
>> no.
>> then who is on firth?
>> naomi watts?
>> no.
>> that's what I'm trying to
Tell you.
End scene.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> all right.
>> and our oscar pick for best
Movie goes to "the social
Network."
>> not!
[ laughter ]
>> the oscar pick goes to --
Live from new york, it's
Saturday night!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> announcer: It's "Saturday
Night live"!
With fred armisen.
Abby elliott.
Bill hader.
Seth meyers.
Bobby moynihan.
Andy samberg.
Jason sudeikis.
Kenan thompson.
Kristen wigg.
Featuring vanessa bayer.
Paul brittain.
Taran killam.
Nasim pedrad.
Jay pharaoh.
Musical guest, linkin park
And your host, dana carvey!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dana carvey!
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television
-- Captions by vitac -- www.Vitac.Com
>> thank you!
You're the greatest.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> thank you.
Of all the live comedy shows
Going on right now in new york,
This is the best freaking
Audience right now.
[ cheers and applause ]
Great to be home at "Saturday
Night live."
This is kind of emotional, but I
Have my two teenage sons are
Here tonight in the audience.
And I don't know where they are,
But it's the first time they've
Seen me on "Saturday night live"
And I'm sure after the show I'm
Going to be a normal comedian
All needy like, hey, what did
You guys think?
And my son will go, it's fine,
Dad, it's fine, okay.
[ laughter ]
Can we go now?
>> I'll be like thank you.
My first episode of this show
Was October 11th, 1986 with host
Sigourney weaver.
I think we have a photo.
[ laughter ]
That's me there with sigourney.
I have changed, but, man, I
Looked young, didn't I?
Wow.
You know, after I left "snl" in
1993 people would always come up
And say, "dana, the show is not
As good without you."
Or, "dana, I liked it better
When you were there."
And honestly, people always pick
One cast in "snl" history and
They will say that's the best
Cast but that's just not true.
The show had always had great
Cast, great people.
No cast is better than any other
Cast.
Except for my cast.
[ light laughter ]
Undeniable, '86 to '93 was the
Best.
Let me put it to you this way.
♪ I have often stood
On the stage before
But the air is not as joyful
As before ♪
♪ it's no wonder I simply
Can't deny
'86 to '93 was the best ♪
>> hi dana.
>> hey!
Karen wong, everybody!
Terrific.
Hi, karen.
>> hi.
Dana, you're so right your cast
Is awesome.
>> well, I didn't say awesome.
I just said best ever.
We had phil hartman, mike myers,
It was incredible.
You got to admit.
'96
'86 to '93 was the best.
>> heyd dana.
Hey karen.
>> thank you, rainn wilson.
If I may be so bold, this cast
Is probably the best cast.
>> okay.
So that means you're the best
Person to ever be on the show.
>> does it?
I don't know.
I have never been good at math.
♪ I did ross perot
I did ching change but that's
Racist now probably ♪
♪ I did garth and hong
It was a renaissance
'86 to '93 was the best ♪
>> you know how many times I
Said "live from new york it's
Saturday night?"
No exaggeration.
700,000 times.
We didn't even have applause
Lights back then.
We had calm down lights, you
Know, and they just flashed
Throughout the show.
>> wait a second.
How do we know you're telling
The truth about your cast being
The best ever?
Making you're just making it up.
>> step aside, deer boy!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> I don't know why I did that,
But anyway.
We're out of control.
All right.
John lovitz from los angeles,
California, what are you doing
Here?
>> I can't sit back and watch
Our cast be slandered by that
Ruffian.
We were the greatest players to
Ever grace the stage.
And do you know why?
>> why?
>> acting, thank you.
>> now, dana, let us sing off.
>> yes, dear, jon, yes.
>> sing.
♪ don't we watch them all
Try to prove us wrong
Every sketch is great
But it would take too long ♪
♪ take our word for it
Every hit
'86 to '93 was the best ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> thank you.
Thank you.
>> thank you.
>> you know what?
Now that I think about it, I
Might have had one or two things
That didn't play.
>> speak for yourself my little
Pixie.
Good-bye, everybody, good-bye.
>> wow.
That could be a new catch
Phrase.
We've got a great show.
Linkin park is here.
Stick around!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> traveling can be tough,
Especially if you find it hard
To sleep in a strange room.
You have tried white noise
Machines, but they just don't
Work.
That's why sharper image created
The I sleep pro.
The I sleep pro not only has a
Setting for white noise, but
Also one for black noise.
Now, you can hear the soothing
Sounds you're used to.
Sounds like muffled tyler perry
Sitcoms.
>> what if it comes in?
What if it comes in?
>> I wish that fool would come
In here.
>> an old lady complaining about
Foot problems through the wall.
>> oh, lord, jesus, can't even
Walk on it no more.
>> bass.
♪
Domestic arguments.
>> I told you.
I don't know.
>> you lie!
>> and the movie "Friday."
>> you think he's playing with
You?
>> man, that fool ain't going to
Do nothing.
>> so you can get the rest you
Need and be ready to take on the
World.
I sleep pro, get the sleep you
Need.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> and now it's time for
"church chat."
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hello, I'm the church --
[ cheers and applause ]
>> bless you all.
It's time for "church chat" and
As you might know I'm the church
Lady and this is our show.
We have so much to talk about.
In particular all of the evil
Show that is have taken over the
Air waves.
Let's take a look at what we
Have on tv right now, shall we?
There's this "15 and pregnant."
That's a delightful show.
The new mtv show "skins" which
Seems to be some sort of sports
Center for pedophiles.
[ laughter ]
And, of course, the number one
Comedy on tv is "one and a half
Men and a whoremonger."
Now, I don't want to judge
Charlie sheen.
I don't ever want to chuge.
I mean who amongst us hasn't
Locked a hooker in a bathroom?
[ laughter ]
Who hasn't?
I digress.
It's time to bring out my first
Guest, the holy trinity of
Sluts, please welcome the
Kardashians.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hi!
>> all right.
Very good.
Let's introduce ourselves,
Girls.
>> I'm kim, the hot one.
>> I'm kourtney, the smart one.
>> I'm khloe, I'm third.
>> you certainly are delightful.
Let's take a little seater.
Let's seat our bottom.
>> all: I can't, my butt.
>> girls, when the church lady
Says sit, we park our bulbous
Buttocks on the little velvet
Chair.
Let's get our bulbous buttocks
On the chours.
>> you said a lot of things
Right now.
>> yeah.
Well, mr. Mouth is moving but
Mr. Brain doesn't quite know
What it's saying.
Now, enough of that.
Kim, I hear you're upset with a
Photo shoot that you did.
Some kind of picture thing or
Something?
>> yeah.
I took some nude photos for "w"
Magazine, and they promised to
Cover my butt, but then the
Magazine came out, and they
Didn't cover my butt.
>> well, isn't that special?
[ cheers and applause ]
Sorry, took me a minute to
Recover from so much
Information.
Now, we've altered the photo so
It's appropriate for television.
Let's all take a look.
[ laughter ]
We chose an interesting pose,
Didn't we, kimmers?
Our plump hindquarters squared
Up and pointed right at the
Camera, like the photo of the
Earth taken from space with the
Butt crack the length of the
Prime meridian.
And thousand we're blaming the
Same media from which we earn
Our hefty paychecks.
Isn't that convenient?
>> I didn't want to do it.
They tricked me!
>> oh, of course, somebody
Tricked us.
And who could it have been,
Let's see.
I don't know.
Let me think.
Let me knock on mr. Noggin.
Who could trick us into doing
That?
-- Satan!
Yes.
Scootch, take your bulbous areas
And scootch along.
There you go.
All right.
Our next guest is a star of the
Mtv show "jersey whore."
Whoops had a little bit of a
Satan twister.
I'm sorry, I meant "jersey
Shore."
Please welcome nicole polizzi.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hi, america.
Hi, church lady.
Please, you can call me snooki.
>> oh, yes, snooki, of course,
From the chippewa word that
Means drop your shorts, we don't
Have much time.
[ laughter ]
Let's just look at you.
Hair teased high to mock the
Heavens and a body squeezed into
A dress like a sausage into a
Casing.
>> oh, I have squeezed my share
Of sausages, church lady.
[ laughter ]
>> well, isn't that extra
Special?
>> it is!
>> such a delightful cackle,
Snack ki.
I want to give you a news flash.
You have a demon that lives
Inside you.
It's terrible but I want you to
Meet a friend of mine, he's a
Priest who specializes in
Exorcising evil spirits.
Please welcome father sabatino.
>> oh, a guido!
>> cast out the demon, father.
[ speaking latin ]
>> you're hot, make out with me!
>> be strong, father.
>> relent.
>> the demon is trying to speak.
>> don't touch my poof!
>> father, please, be strong.
Fight the demon, father.
Fight him, you demon fighter.
>> this party sucks.
>> father --
>> hey, wait up, let's do some
Shots!
>> oh, goodness.
Oh, goodness.
[ cheers and applause ]
Sometimes you have to clean up
Your little area there.
That wasn't exactly planned.
Well, that was interesting.
Our next guest is a very -- he's
A favorite.
Please welcome the clean cut and
Wholesome justin bieber.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hello, church lady.
>> well, well, well.
Justin bieber, I don't know why
More young men don't just --
Aren't like you on television.
I mean look at that face.
>> thanks, church lady.
I just kind of do my thing,
Trying to send out positive
Messages to the other kids.
>> and I have to say seeing you
In person is affecting me in a
Way I didn't think it would.
[ laughter ]
With your nice new haircut and
Your million dollar smile.
>> are you okay, church lady?
>> that's right.
Say my name.
Say my name with your angel's
Voice.
The voice that makes young
Girls' naughty parts tingle.
[ laughter ]
And it seems some older ladies'
Naughty parts.
Some older naughty parts that
Have been on a lengthy
Sabbatical.
[ laughter ]
Now have returned rested with
Renewed vigor.
>> do you need some water or
Something?
>> no, I'm fine.
I'm just fine.
Feels as though I'm being a
Little tested here.
>> church lady, this is jesus.
>> jesus?
>> do not allow yourself to fall
Victim to the flesh, church
Lady.
Use your willpower.
>> I'm tired of using my
Willpower, jesus.
I want a taste of that sweet
Bieber.
[ laughter ]
Just look at him, jesus.
Come on.
Take a gander.
>> yes.
He is my finest creation.
[ laughter ]
>> I'll be strong for you,
Jesus.
>> that's my girl.
>> I'm back.
Justin bieber, I'm feeling like
I'm all recovered.
Everything is fine, you were
Terrific.
Would you like to join me for a
Dance?
>> I'd love it.
>> hit it, pearl.
♪
Next week, russell brand with
Musical guest chris brown.
>>> this spring when trens are
In trouble, celebs come to help.
>> hey there, you're with alan
Alda, what's your problem, kid?
>> yeah, some dudes in my school
Want me to join a gang.
I don't know what to do.
>> that is a pickle, you know.
When they asked me to join the
Cast of "m.A.S.H." I didn't know
What to do, but I joined and
Life has been cream cheese since
Then.
>> then I'll join that gang
Then.
Thanks for the advice, alan
Alda.
[ phone ringing ]
>> this is mickey rooney.
>> who?
>> I was the number one star in
The world.
Do you hear me?
Bang.
The world.
>> how does that help me get
Through high school?
>> ask me what ava gardner was
Like?
>> what was ava gardner like?
>> you'll never know.
[ phone ringing ]
>> looks like you're on the
Phone with ice-t.
>> I've never done this before.
>> you've never made a telephone
Call before?
>> no, I have never called one
Of these numbers.
But I went to a party last
Night, and I think someone put
Something in my drink.
>> like an olive or something?
>> no, I think some guy had a
Roofie and dropped it in my cup.
>> and now you want to return it
To him?
>> come on.
Didn't you do an episode about
Roof fis on "suv"?
?
>> yeah.
And ice-t was confused then,
Too.
Looks like I'm not getting
Through to her.
>> hello.
>> hi.
I just wish my dad wouldn't
Drink so much.
>> drunk dad, ew, bummer.
>> yeah.
>> yeah!
>> yeah.
So what's your advice?
>> I know, right?
Oh!
[ phone ringing ]
>> come on, tell eddie murphy
Your problems.
>> I just found out I'm
Pregnant.
>> how old are you?
>> I'm 15.
>> you're 15?
More like you about to be a size
15.
It's hilarious.
So funny.
>> this is serious.
>> that's crazy, man.
Your ass is going to be the only
Girl at spring break with
Stretch marks!
>> come on, eddie murphy.
>> hey, look, I'm just kidding.
You're not even going to get to
Go to spring break.
You're going to be home with
Your baby watching "yo gabba
Gabba," whatever the hell it is.
>> it may be horrible advice,
But it's there.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>> hey.
>> you're in room 316.
>> thanks.
>> welcome to college.
I'm declan, your new roommate.
>> hey.
>> I guess we're best friends
Now, huh?
>> what?
>> I love you.
>> this isn't going to be one of
Those things where a friendship
Starts out fine but then you get
Really possessive and crazy
Because I'm not really up for
That.
>> what?
No.
I'm totally normal.
I saw this stray puppy.
What should we name him?
>> that's a dead rat.
>> you make me smile.
>> honey, how is your new
Roommate?
>> um --
[ laughter ]
He's definitely trying to kill
Me.
>> are you on the phone?
I got the same haircut as you.
>> that's not my haircut.
Burn the roommate.
>>> ladies and gentlemen, linkin
Park!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>> put them up like that, put
Them up, put them up!
Yeah.
♪ this is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision ♪
♪ but you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empties ♪
♪ within 'em
We say yeah
With fists flying
Up in the air ♪
♪ like we're holding onto
Something that's
Invisible there
'cause we're living at the ♪
♪ mercy of the pain
And the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear ♪
♪ waiting for the
End to come
Wishing I had
Strength to stand ♪
♪ this is not what
I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the ♪
♪ speed of light
Thoughts were spinning
In my head
So many things ♪
♪ were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
I know what it takes
To move on ♪
♪ I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this
Life for something new
Holding on to what ♪
♪ I haven't got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never ♪
♪ meant to last
I wish it wasn't so
I know what it takes
To move on ♪
♪ I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this
Life for something new
Holding on to what ♪
♪ I haven't got
What was left when
That fire was gone
I thought it felt right ♪
♪ but that right was wrong
All caught up in the
Eye of the storm
And trying to figure out ♪
♪ what it's like moving on
And I don't even know
What kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving ♪
♪ and my mind went dead
Picking up those pieces
Now where to begin
The hardest part of ending ♪
♪ is starting again ♪
♪
♪ all I wanna do is trade
This life for something new
Holding on to what
I haven't got ♪
♪ this is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision ♪
♪ you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empties ♪
♪ within 'em
We say yeah
With fists flying up
In the air ♪
♪ like we're holding onto
Something that's
Invisible there
'cause we're living at the ♪
♪ mercy of the pain
And the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> weekend update with seth
Meyers.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> good evening.
I'm seth meyers and here are
Tonight's top stories.
Supporters of president hosni
Mubarak rode into cairo's
Central square Tuesday on horses
And camels and used whips to
Attack anti-government
Protesters, as well as several
Very confused contestants on
"the amazing race."
[ laughter ]
>>> clothing maker kenneth cole
Created a controversy on twitter
This week with a tweet that said
Millions are in uproar in kay
Row.
Rumor is they heard about our
New spring collection.
It's reminiscent of that gap ad,
Everyone in somalia is starving
For cords!
Egypt has dominated the news
This week and with the story of
This magnitude, it can be
Difficult to keep up, which
Brings us to a segment we call
"winners and losers: Egypt."
♪
Let's see some winners and
Losers.
First up, winner --
Anderson cooper.
You might think he'd be a loser
After getting attacked by angry
Mobs twice in a week, but he's a
Winner because he still looks
Like this.
[ laughter ]
You cannot punch the handsome
Off anderson cooper.
[ laughter ]
Loser --
Pundits who say the mubarak
Regime is bad but the
Alternative may be worse.
That's like your buddy saying
Your girlfriend may be ugly but
I don't think you could do any
Better.
Loser --
Tunisia.
Talk about getting overshadowed.
For three days, the tunisian
Revolution was the big story of
The middle east and now there's
A soundgarden to egypt's
Nirvana.
[ laughter ]
"hey, we're from seattle, too."
"yeah, it's great."
[ laughter ]
Loser --
Muslim brotherhood.
I don't know if you're bad guys
Or not but you got to lose the
Word brotherhood.
It making everything sound
Scarier.
Bunny rabbits, adorable.
Bunny brotherhood, what are they
Planning?
Loser -- hosni mubarak.
Winner -- hosni mubarak's face.
He's 82 and he looks great.
Just goes to show egyptians are
Great at preserving things.
This has been winners and
Losers.
>>> many industry insiders are
Wondering if charlie sheen will
Pay the salaries of "two and a
Half men."
Be careful, crew, he expects a
Lot of crazy stuff when he's
Paying you.
>>> denny's has launched a new
Ad campaign to brand itself as a
Diner where customers can feel a
Warmth and connection with
Servers instead waf it is now, a
24/7 competitive eating thunder
Dome.
>>> for the first time since
1987 one of the host of the
Academy awards is also a
Nominee.
Here to talk about the oscars,
Our good friend james franco.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> this has been such a busy
Year for you.
You were going to college.
You did "general hospital."
You were in the hofmovie "127
Hours."
You're hosting and you're a
Nominee.
>> that's not all.
I'm doing the oscars, I'm also
Working the coat check room.
I am smelting all the awards
Statues in my foundry.
>> really?
>> I like having jobs.
>> it seems that way because I
Hear you're also teaching a
Class that's called "editing
James franco with james franco."
>> as well as making a
Documentary about teaching a
Class about documentary editing
That I'm directing that is about
The class.
>> I'm confused.
>> I am, too, but that's because
I haven't slept in two years.
>> it does seem like a lot of
Stuff.
>> I can't stop.
Here is what else I'm doing this
Year.
I'm going to be a rabbi.
I'm going to make a documentary
About that.
And I'm going to shoot an
Underwear ad for jockey.
And I'm also going to be a
Jockey.
>> that's a busy year.
>> I love doing things.
>> okay.
>> I am going to be a wide
Receiver at the super bowl
Tomorrow.
After that I'm going to disney
World to work at space mountain.
[ laughter ]
Yeah, yeah.
And then I might crank out a
Ph.D. In women's studies.
>> it does seem like an odd use
Of your time.
>>.
>> yeah, I use my time oddly,
Seth.
>> all right.
I got to run.
I got to go be a cab driver for
Like 45 minutes.
>> of course.
James franco, everyone!
[ cheers and applause ]
A woman in los angeles --
>> hey, cut it out.
>> I want to do the news, too.
>> you love everything.
Get out of here.
>>> a woman in lightning has
Reportedly filed a $1 trillion
Lawsuit against sean diddy combs
Claiming he's the father of her
Child and that he's also
Responsible for 9/11.
So I bet she would consider
Settling out of court for a
Handful of drugs.
A new study shows that a dog
Trained to smell colon cancer in
Patients was 95% as accurate as
A colonoscopy.
Says the dog, "what can I say?
I love what I do.
[ laughter ]
A woman in georgia with 24-inch
Long fingernails said that she
Grew them that long in hopes of
Meeting oprah winfrey, who will
No doubt jump at the chance to
Meet a lunatic with crazy weapon
Hands.
[ laughter ]
According to a report --
Hold on a second.
James, what are you doing?
>> I'm doing the cue cards.
>> you're the best, james
Franco.
According to a report, demand
For breast implants in England
Grew by more than 10% last year
With many women citing a desire
To look like christina hendricks
From "mad men."
I guess that's fine, but -- oh,
No, not the queen.
[ laughter ]
Oh, you're better than that, the
Queen.
But also -- long live the queen.
>>> a colossal winter storm hit
The United States with snow and
High winds.
Experts say the worst is still
To come.
Here to talk about what to
Expect is meteorologist and
Disco queen, angela dixon.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hi, seth.
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm thrilled to meet you.
>> thanks for coming.
I have to say, that's quite a
Switch from disco to weather
Expert.
How does that happen?
>> you know, I don't really talk
About that the.
The disco thing was long ago.
This is what I do know.
>> how much more snow can we
Expect.
>> we're in for quite a week
Because --
♪ the snow is coming down, down,
Down and piling up, up, up ♪
♪ it's going here and there and
In your face and hair ♪
♪ snow is coming down, down,
Down ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> okay.
Angela, I might be wrong, but I
Think your disco past seeped in
There a little bit.
>> really?
>> yeah.
>> I don't think so.
I am 100% meteorologist now.
>> okay.
100%.
Well, if that's the case can you
Tell us why we've had so many
Storms recently?
>> the best I can tell you is --
♪ snow it's everywhere it's
Falling snow ♪
♪ nobody does snow like I do ♪
♪ don't you love me anymore ♪
>> wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry.
>> what?
>> I just -- you sang a disco
Song about the snow and then at
The end you said "don't you love
Me anymore."
>> I think I said low pressure
System.
>> no.
You definitely didn't.
I promise you did not.
>> okay, seth.
I'm going to give you the
Forecast.
There's not going to be any
Disco.
>> no disco.
>> and to prove it, I'm going to
Put on my heart-shaped glasses.
>> oh, I don't think so.
Of it seems like a disco move.
♪ you're in and you're out and
You're up and you're down and
You're snowing around with my
Heart ♪
Just like a snowplow ♪
>> angela!
♪ pennsylvania, I can't because
My car is covered in ice and
Rock salt ♪
♪ an ice storm ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> so there's a captain that you
Want out of your life.
>> yeah, I don't want to talk
About it.
>> we're out of time.
Do you have ni advice for us at
All to get through the next
Cupcle of winter months?
♪ do, do, do ♪
>> if you do, tell us.
Then just tell us.
♪
>> tell us.
♪ wear gloves ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> angela dixon, everyone!
[ cheers and applause ]
A man in germany has won a mini
Cooper by having the word "mini"
Tattooed on his penis.
Of course, if you're driving a
Mini cooper, no one is ever
Going to see that tattoo.
[ laughter ]
And if you're wondering, I am
Enjoying my free chevrolet
Suburban.
>>> this Thursday was the
Chinese new year and marked the
Start of the year of the rabbit.
This according to a recent place
Mat.
Tuesday was the 34th annual
Empire state building run up,
Where participants raced up the
Building's stairs to the
86th floor.
It's a great event if you love
Running marathons but always
Wish someone's ass was in your
Face.
[ laughter ]
>>> for weekend update, I'm seth
Meyers.
Good night!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> it's live with regis and
Kelly.
Please welcome your hosts, regis
Philbin and kelly ripa!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> how are you?
>> hi, everybody.
>> how are you, everybody?
How are you?
It's February 4th.
Welcome to the show.
How are you doing?
>> are you excited for the super
Bowl?
>> oh -- we're all very excited.
I'm excited for the game, but
Who is this halftime game.
The black eyed beans?
That's a side dish.
>> reg, I'm going to miss you
When you lee.
>> I'm not gone yet.
>> but have you been reading the
Newspapers?
Everyone is wondering who is
Going to replace you?
>> I know, I know.
It's not just me leaving, pippa,
Understand?
Our producer galvin is also
There, he's retiring.
>> I'm not leaving, regis.
>> yes, you are.
Wherever I go, you go, so I can
Keep you in swatting distance.
>> I like it here.
>> you don't have a choice.
The pharaohs used to be buried
With their slaves.
>> I'm not your slave, reg.
>> that's what they all say.
>> well, I thought it would be
Fun to go through some of the
People they're talking about to
Fill your shoes.
>> all righty.
Here we go.
>> one of the names being kicked
Around is and derson cooper.
>> didn't he just get socked in
The kisser by some crazy
Egyptian.
He's not tough enough.
>> if he can handle egypt, reg,
He can handle this show.
>> those egyptians have nothing
On the women who wait outside
The studio.
At least the egyptian want
Democracy.
These women want to get in my
Coat.
>> up next, some people are
Saying howie mandel might be a
Good co-host.
>> good luck with that.
He's a seal with a soul patch.
That's not going to work.
And the germ thing.
The man doesn't shake hands.
What is he going to do when he
Meets cheryl channing, give her
A fist pump?
>> maybe it's about chemistry,
Reg.
Hey, maybe my hubby mark will do
It.
>> mark consuelo?
Are you serious?
You know what I'm going to give
Him as a welcome gives?
Divorce papers.
Because you two are not going to
Last a week.
I love you pippa, but the only
Reason I don't wring your neck
Is because we part ways when the
Show is over.
>> stop it.
I don't think you want to
Retire.
>> I have big plans.
I'm starting my own network.
Oprah-style.
>> oh, yeah, what are you going
To call it?
>> well, she says what am I
Going to call it?
You hear that?
I'm calling it regis!
This channel is going to have
Everything, joey bishop reruns
And a reality show called "so
You think you can shout."
Going to be terrific.
>> I want you to know I'm going
To treasure every day hiv
Left -- oh, no, kathie lee is
Here.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> kathie lee, what are you
Doing here?
>> oh, regis, when I heard today
Was your last show I had to come
On and say good-bye.
>> today is not my last show.
>> what is that, a bird
Chirping?
Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.
Someone call a hunter and shoot
That irritating bird.
>> what are you going to do?
>> you know, I'm going to sing
To you, reg.
>> you're going to sing.
>> let me wet my pipes.
>> god, what is that?
>> that's water.
>> oh, what's the point of mugs.
Come on now.
♪ chardonnay, white wine in the
Morning time ♪
>> she's really out of control.
>> mace trestro.
>> here we are.
♪ it's a quarter to 3:00,
There's no one in the place
Except you and me ♪
>> kathie lee, hoda is looking
For you.
>> tell her I was in a car
Accident.
>> let's get out of here.
I can't take this anymore.
>> I want to stay.
>> galvin, I will beat you
Within an inch of your life.
>> you're hurting me.
>> I'm telling you, I'll put you
Away.
>> I'll miss you, reg.
>> no one knows who you are.
♪ one for my baby and three more
To deal with the show ♪
>>> please welcome your pageant
Coordinators for this
Afternoon,
Mr. And mr. Leon phillips and
Marion sulers.
>> good morning, everyone.
Thank you for showing up for the
Little miss little girl pageant.
>> it's so good to see all of
Your shining faces in the
Sheraton governor's ballroom.
>> how many pageants have we
Coordinated in this space?
>> one.
>> I thought there was more.
>> there was not.
>> I think there were
Two.
>> there was not.
Anyway, you all know why we're
Here so let's begin the
Festivities.
>> we have a lot of beautiful
Girls to talk about today.
>> these are some of the most
Fabulous faces of 2011.
>> let's meet them now.
Make that work.
Here on the run wayne right now
Is donna elise van donan.
>> donna is age 11.
She's from austin, texas.
She's into cheeseburgers and
Anything cheeseburger.
Her favorite thing to do in the
Morning is wake up.
Thank you, donna.
[ laughter ]
>> that's killer, that's killer.
Next up is vonda kara mcmillen.
Vonda tans in las vegas, nevada.
She dreams of either being a
Nurse or one day getting to know
A nurse real good.
>> she likes playing with her
Doll basket and loves to pretend
Vacuum.
She hopes to one day real
Vacuum.
Thank you, vonda.
Next is tatum valerie dunn.
>> that's from tennessee, and
She is the entire package.
She won best overall face at the
Little miss maybe you heard
About me pageant.
She also loves to skip over mud
In safety, but her favorite
Thing in the world is spraying
Whip cream on a paper plate and
Filling up her sleeping
Grandma's mouth with it.
Thank you, tatum.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I said, "thank you."
You may go now, tatum.
All right.
Did you see that?
She wasn't leaving.
I felt bad for her.
That was scary.
>> it is scary.
I was super scared.
>> next up is
Tamma janet wentworth.
>> tamma is from birmingham.
She's 5 and she knows it.
She likes to talk through toilet
Paper tubes and said one of her
Most memorable moments was
Chasing a squirrel until she
Couldn't see it anymore.
[ laughter ]
To this day she still wonders
Where that squirrel went.
>> next is brendan james vincent
Hog.
[ laughter ]
>> that's a boy.
>> this boy competes in the
Girl's pageant.
>> this is allowed by the
Rulebook until he turns 11.
>> at which point he will be
Forced to drop out of all
Pageants and find another way of
Expressing himself.
>> that's right.
He enjoys tap dancing and
Sizzling.
His favorite things are
Glitz blitz and joan rivers.
>> he loves to make bubbles with
His own saliva, and one day
Wants to abolish the 11-year
Cutoff point for boys in the
Pageant rulebook.
Why don't we bring them all back
Out for one last look?
>> that's right.
All right, contestants, we have
A surprise question for you.
If you could describe yourself
In one word, what would it be?
>> america.
>> what's your word, precious?
>> precious!
>> darling, one word to describe
You?
>> me!
[ laughter ]
>> one word.
>> learning disabled.
[ laughter ]
>> sugar pie, that was two
Words.
You only needed one.
What's your, pistol?
>> patootie.
>> thanks so much for those
Moving descriptions.
So there they are.
Take a good look at them.
>>
These are the contestants who
Have been disqualified because
Your parents entry fee check
Bounced.
>> next time make sure your
Parents have enough money in the
Bank to cover the checks they
Write.
>> get out of here!
>> I was scared.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> in today's turbulent times
It can seem like all the news is
Bad but as hard as it is to hear
Bad news, it's even harder to
Give it.
Finally, there's a solution.
>> how are you?
So are you experiencing lower
Profits at your company?
Needing cutbacks but dreading
It.
Look, here is the thing I'll do
It for you.
I'm deirdre and I'm really good
At it and people love me.
I'm sincere and I care about
You.
Just take a look.
You're here because you're all
Fired and, look,all, I
Apologize.
I feel really bad but it is what
It issa
It is, y'all.
There's plenty of opportunities
Out there and you have to seize
The day and put yourself out
There and, again, I do apologize
But what can I do?
I also handle divorces.
He wants a divorce.
He doesn't like you anymore, and
That's just the way it is.
You know, move on with your life
And you'll find someone else.
We never plan for these things,
But they happen, and, sorry, I
Do apologize, y'all, that's the
Way it goes.
>> she pointed out it had indeed
Happened and it was the way it
Goes and that made me feel
Really good.
Thanks.
>> you know, it's like I had to
Deal with some of the worst
Stuff ever.
Like I had to tell these bosnian
Woman, look, your village is
Gone, it's been pillaged.
They took everything and they
Burned it down and it's really
Sad for you, you know, but, you
Know, we have to look at it from
Both sides of the equation here.
It is what it is, and you just
Have to learn from it.
And I apologies, I do.
>> I felt better when she
Apologized.
>> I feel like I know how to
Talk to people and break news to
Them.
That being said, I don't do bad
News about pets and I lts don't
Go into hospitals and, you know,
You have to deal with that.
I do apologize for that, but
That's the way it is.
E-mail me today.
>> the sad news works@hot
Mail.Com.
>>> well, once again --
>> linkin park!
[ cheers and applause ]
[ sirens ]
♪
>> ready?
Let's go!
♪
♪ I am not a pattern
To be followed
The pill that I'm on
Is a tough one to swallow ♪
♪ I'm not a criminal
Not a role model
Not a born leader
I'm a tough act to follow ♪
♪ I am not the fortune
And the fame
Nor the same person telling
You to forfeit the game ♪
♪ I came in the ring like
A dog on a chain
And I found out the
Underbelly is sicker ♪
♪ than it seems
And it's seems ugly
But it can get worse
'cause even a blueprint ♪
♪ is a gift and a curse
Once you got the theory
Of how the thing works
Everybody wants the next ♪
♪ thing to be just
Like the first
And I'm not a robot
I'm not a monkey ♪
♪ I will not dance even
If the beat's funky
Opposite of lazy
Far from a punk ♪
♪ y'all ought to stop
Talking
Start tryin' to catch up ♪
♪ oooooooh, ooooooh
Ooooooooh oooooooh
Lauryn said money
Change a situation ♪
♪ big said it increases
The complication
Kane said don't stab ♪
♪ I ain't the one
Chuck said that uzi weigh
A ton
And I'm just a student ♪
♪ of the game that
They taught me
Rock in every stage in every
Place that they brought me ♪
♪ I'm awfully underrated
But came here to correct it
And so it ain't mistakin'
I'm a state it ♪
♪ for the record
I am the opposite of wack
Opposite of weak
Opposite of slack ♪
♪ synonym of heat
Synonym of crack
Closest to a peak
Far from a punk ♪
♪ y'all ought to stop talking
Start tryin' to catch up
Everybody say
Ooooooooooooh, ooooooooh ♪
♪ oooooooooh, ooooooooooh ♪
♪
♪ oh when they come for me
Come for me
I'll be gone
Oh when they come for me ♪
♪ come for me
I'll be gone
Oh when they come for me
Come for me ♪
♪ I'll be gone
And all the people say
Oooooooooh, oooooooooh
Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh ♪
♪ try to catch up oooooooooh,
Oooooooooh
Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh ♪
♪ oooooooooh, oooooooooh
Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh ♪
♪ oooooooooh, oooooooooh
Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh ♪
♪ oooooooooh, oooooooooh
Ooooooooooh, oooooooooh ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> green bay!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hey, guys, we got a lot of
Great super bowl specials, nacho
Bar, hot wings, two for one pbrs
And my wife's brother's band is
Going to play some music.
>> what?
>> hello.
Excuse me, everyone, hello.
Hello.
Can we have your attention,
Please?
>> zhou mind.
We're the fingerlings, and I
Know your game is starting soon.
We've got a few minutes so we're
Going to play some music for
You.
>> and a special thank you to
My brother-in-law patrick for
Lets us use this place.
>> oh, come on!
>> now, look, you're not going
To miss any of your big game, we
Promise.
>> maybe a few minutes, that's
All.
>> a few minutes at the most.
Huck be big boys and appreciate
What we do.
>> shall we?
This song was actually inspired
By the super bowl, you know.
Here we go.
♪ standing in the motel room
Looking out at the
Neon lights
Your fingers kiss my lips as we
Drove through the paris night ♪
Weeping in the morning rain with
Blue mascara running down by
Face ♪
♪ dancing with my trousers off
At that disco
All I can say is embrace me ♪
♪ embrace me under the leon
Lights embrace me ♪
>> do you know what we're
Talking about, fellow?
>> shut up, the game is
Starting.
>> yeah.
Shut it, green bay!
>> I'm going to switch this off.
>> come on!
>> please be patient.
This is the visual portion of
Our show.
>> listen, we're not being rude
To you.
So there's no reason to raise
Your voices to us.
This is about the super bowl
Anyway.
>> that's right, it's about the
Super bowl.
♪ smearing my lipstick
On the bedroom mirror
While I cry about you ♪
>> lipstick?
♪ traipsing through the streets
Of rome with sparkles in my
Hair ♪
♪ all I can say is embrace me
Embrace me
Under the neon lights
Embrace me ♪
>> the game is starting right
Now.
Patrick, shut them off, come on.
>> I'm sorry.
I promised my wife.
They'll be done soon.
>> pat, please.
>> you know, the longer you
Carry on like that, the more of
The game you're going to miss.
>> let's hear you all.
♪ embrace me ♪
>> come on, for the packers.
>> no!
♪ embrace me
♪ under the neon lights
Embrace me
♪ under the neon lights embrace
Me ♪
>> we mean it.
Has everyone gone then?
>> yeah.
>> were the drinks too
Expensive?
>> no, it was more about you
Guys.
>> did you like the song?
>> no.
>> did you like the song?
No.
>> a tiny bit.
>> yeah.
>> well come on then.
♪ embrace me.
Under the neon lights embrace
Me ♪
Thanks to linkin park, justin
Bieber, john lovitz, lorne
Micha
Michae
Michaels.
-- Sync by InSUBs.com -- www.addic7ed.com
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television