>>> you're about to enter a no
Spin zone.
In fact, it begins right now.
Hello.
I'm bill o'reilly.
[ cheers and applause ]
And thank you for watching "the
Factor."
Tonight's top story, the results
Are in.
My presuper bowl interview with
President obama and the football
Game that followed it had a
Combined audience of over 200
Million people.
Making it the most watched
Television event in human
History.
Once again, I have you, "the
Factor" viewers to thank.
We have more reaction to parts
One and two of my interview
Later on "the factor."
But first, here is part three of
My conversation with president
Obama.
♪
>> all right, mr. President,
Let's talk about afghanistan.
Big problem.
You got this clown moammar
Gadhafi running the place and
He's a crook.
What do you do?
>> first of all, bill, I have to
Correct you.
The president of afghanistan is
Hamid karzai.
>> why, what did I say?
>> you said gadhafi.
>> it is gadhafi.
>> no, it's not.
It's hamid karzai.
>> mr. President, I like you,
Okay?
You're a good guy, and I truly
Believe as president you're
Doing the best you can for the
Country.
But I'm pretty sure it's
Gadhafi.
>> bill, it's karzai.
>> lisa!
>> yes?
>> lisa, that pinhead who is
Running afghanistan, the
President, I need his name.
>> I don't need his name.
It's karzai.
>> relax.
This way we'll know for sure,
Okay?
I'm not saying you're wrong.
You could be writright.
You could be right.
In the meantime back to
Afghanistan.
We've been there ten years,
What's your plan?
>> it's clear afghanistan has
Begun to stabilize.
>> well -- I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Maybe, no, it's a pocket,ssibil
But I don't know.
>> mr. O'reilly, it's definitely
Gadhafi.
>> that's what I thought.
Mr. President, egypt.
A lot of turmoil, people in the
Streets, all that jazz.
What's going to happen?
>> bill, the egyptian people
Have spoken clearly.
>> as you know "the factor" has
Been on the egypt thing for a
Couple days now and this mubarak
Guy, trust me, he ain't going
Nowhere.
He's going to be there a long
Time.
But he knows we're on him
Because he's a "factor" viewer.
I don't think he's going to try
Any funny stuff.
Not with "the factor" stuff.
He could be, maybe, but I doubt
It.
>> that's good to know.
>> a couple more questions.
The segment we call the culture
Quiz.
First up, the andy griffith show
Delighted american tv awediens
From 1960 to '68 which member of
The cast went on to direct the
Beautiful mind and da vinci
Code?
Was it don knotts, jim nay bors,
Or henry winkler.
>> it was ron howard.
>> use the paddle.
>> yeah.
>> it was "b," ron howard.
>> you're right.
Correct.
Very good, mr. President.
Very good.
Number two.
"gunsmoke" was the longest
Running tv series in history
Starring james arness as marshal
Matt dillon.
Who played the role of the
Glamorous dance hall girl kitty?
Was it donna reid, connie
Stevens, amanda blake, or raquel
Welch?
>> I'm going to say amanda
Blake.
>> oh, way to go, mr. President!
Two for two.
>> it was a lucky guess.
>> uh-huh.
Now we got time for our viewer
Mail.
>> do I have to stay for this?
>> sit down!
[ laughter ]
About our segment on out of
Control judges, bill wrote you
Are without question the most
Intelligent person ever to
Appear on television.
Why, thank you, james.
Thank you very much.
That's nice to hear.
And charlotte woodward writes
This verse, there was once a
Newsman named bill whose
"factor" program gave everyone a
Thrill.
It was just like a school where
No spin was the rule and our
Heads with knowledge it did
Fill.
Very good, charlotte.
Excellent poem, don't you think
So, mr. President?
>> it was okay.
>> uh-huh.
[ laughter ]
>> both charlotte and jim as
Well as you, mr. President, will
Be getting our no spin zone tote
Bag and "factor" wind breakers.
>> very kind of you.
>> as always feel free to write
Us at the "factor" name and town
If you opine.
And don't be long winded.
That's our vocabulary word for
The day, long winded.
You know that word, mr.
President?
>> yes, I do.
Now, can I go?
>> hang on, hang on.
That's all the time we have
Tonight on "the factor."
Please join us here tomorrow
Because the spin stops here and
Live from new york, it's
Saturday night!
[ cheers and applause ]
>> announcer: It's "Saturday
Night live"!
With fred armisen
Abby elliott
Bill hader
Seth meyers
Bobby moynihan
Andy samberg
Jason sudeikis
Kenan thompson
Kristen wigg
Featuring vanessa bayer
Paul brittain
Taran killam
Nasim pedrad
Jay pharaoh
Musical guest --
Chris brown
And your host --
Russell brand
Ladies and gentlemen, russell
Brand!
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television
-- Captions by vitac -- www.Vitac.Com
[ cheers and applause ]
>> thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you so much for clapping
Me.
I'm honored to be here.
Thank you.
Already laughing.
Nothing has happened.
It's amazing.
It's truly amazing for me to be
Here as an english comedian in
Your beautiful country hosting
Your most fantastic show.
Thank you, I'm honored, honored
To be here.
[ cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
I'm just pointing out that I am
A comedian because just in
Case -- this is a difficult
Thing for me to point out, but
You should know.
I'm much more famous in England
Than I am here, okay?
I don't get any pleasure from
Telling you that.
It's embarrassing.
It's not a good thing to have to
Tell people, fame really loses
Its edge if you have to tell
People you have it.
You know, I'm famous.
That's like telling people
You're sexually attractive.
It really takes the edge off.
Makes people recoil somewhat,
But I'm telling you not to
Boast, you want you to trust me,
I'm here hosting one of your
Great institutions.
I want you to know I'm not here
To try to reclaim this colony
For her majesty.
You've done a wonderful job.
It's yours now.
It's definitely yours.
I'm only mentioning that I'm
More famous in England just in
Case you're worried about how
Tight my trousers are.
Okay?
Because in England when you're
Famous, this is how tight you
Can wear your trousers.
[ laughter ]
Without fame, people might
Question my sanity.
Why are his pants so tight?
What's wrong with that guy?
I don't want you to be worried
About it.
In England tight pants means
You're famous.
In america tight pants means
Additional screening at jfk
Airport I learned earlier today.
And I'd like to take this
Opportunity to thank juan in
Immigration for the tenderness
Of your touch.
It was almost a romantic
Experience.
Normally if in an airport you
See somebody put a rubber glove
On, it's time to worry, but,
Juan, you were beautiful.
Thank you for making is to
Wonderful for me.
[ cheers and applause ]
Thanks for the clapping.
I appreciate it.
Also, I want to point out that
Over the course of the show
Because there will be
Magnificent sketches obviously,
That will be wonderful, you will
See me wearing looser trousers.
You might feel a sense of
Relief, oh, he's wearing looser
Trousers now.
Let me assure you, I will be
Wearing a pair of tight trousers
Under those loose trousers.
Not really as a fashion choice
Anymore.
More of an obligation.
If you've worn tight trousers
For as long as I have, it
Induces a kind of chaos down
There and the trousers
Essentially holds things
Together.
If I take these off, it just
Springs into chaos!
It's essentially the same
Principle behind a
Jack-in-the-box.
I mean, the children's toy, not
The burger.
That would be awful.
Not like a jack-in-the-box
Burger.
No one wants fries with that.
There's no way to have a meal.
[ laughter ]
I like these guys.
Musical accompaniment.
I live in your country now,
Which I adore and I respect and
I love and let me be clear, but
I have become very patriotic
Since I have been here.
When I was in England, I wasn't
That patriotic.
I was a bit more rebellious and
Saucy.
Here I'm very patriotic about
The queen.
So much so that if collin firth
Doesn't win the oscar for "the
King's speven," I think I'm
Going to lose myself.
I'm not going to be able to take
It, and he's just a pretend
King.
Let's get behind collin and his
Oscar, please.
[ cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Also, natalie portman I think
Will win oscar for "black swan,"
Won't she?
She will.
And I think that's quite right.
You know, but I do want to point
Something out to all of you as a
Matter of fact.
Now, people say natalie portman,
She deserve that is oscar
Because in her preparation for
"black swan" she did five hours
Of dancing every day.
She did all of that training,
Right?
Well, I was in a film called
"get him to the greek" --
[ cheers and applause ]
In that film I played a sex
Addicted drug addicted
Narcissistic english
Entertainer.
I prepared for that role for 20
Years.
[ laughter ]
One of the consequences
Fortunately's preparation, a few
Bunions and blisters.
You can scrape them off with a
Butter knife.
I have hep approximac preparing
Role.
I haven't got hepatitis c.
Hep c, not hypothetical c.
The real thing.
Talking of hepatitis c, it's
Valentine's day tomorrow!
[ cheers and applause ]
I'd like to take this
Opportunity to say happy
Valentine's day to my wife, katy
Perry.
[ cheers and applause ]
People are often curious
Actually.
They say, oh, what's it like
Being married to katy perry?
And it's very nice, I like it.
I'm not complaining.
It's nice to be married to katy
Perry.
It's nice to be married to
Anyone, I think.
I'm just glad anyone will have
Me.
You'll be surprised how ordinary
The marriage is.
And I'll demonstrate to you now
With language the ordinariness
Of the marriage.
Here is an example of how
Ordinary my marriage is.
One, the other day I was wearing
A shirt and she went, "are you
Wearing that shirt out?"
Right?
And it was not a proper
Question.
It was like she meant get it
Off.
I had to take it off.
Two, the other day she lent my
Car to her brother without
Asking, and I was going to get
Angry but then I thought that's
Such a lovely, normal problem to
Have.
My wife lent my car to her
Brother.
When I think of the problems I
Used to have which were much
More like "russell, the police
Are at the door!"
Flush the drugs down the toilet.
They've got sniffer dogs with
Them.
Wow, sniffer dogs, bring them
In.
Dogs with jobs!
[ laughter ]
That's amazing!
That is amazing.
You got jobs?
Have you got jobs?
You got a job, don't you, don't
You?
Step this way, please, sir.
Okay.
I'm come quietly.
And also, and this is a normal
Thing, anyone here who is
Married I think any man here at
Least married will recognize
This problem.
Say there's a noise in the
Nighttime in my house, in the
Nighttime, a frightening
Downstairs noise, I have to go
And look in the night.
Katy will just go "russell,
There's a noise, go and look,
See what it is in case it's a
Burgl
Burglar."
It would be horrible for me!
What am I going to say.
It's embarrassing also.
Hello, I see you're here
Burglaring my house.
Don't be alarmed, I'm much more
Famous in England.
I'm in these tight pajamas.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
Very much.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> concussions,
Neck injuries,
Broken bones.
>> hello, I'm frank gublin,
Attorney at law, and at gublin
And greene, we specialize in
Assisting clients who have
Sustained injuries while working
At or attending the broadway
Musical "spider-man:
Turn off the dark."
[ laughter ]
If you or a loved one has been
Affected by this show, do not
Waste a moment.
Call me today.
>> I love spider-man but I
Didn't love it when someone
Dressed like spider-man fell on
My head.
Frank gublin not only got my
Tickets refunded, he also got me
Two additional tickets to a
Future performance of
"spider-man: Turn off the dark."
Thanks, frank gublin.
>> I was the sixth actor to play
Spider-man, then a harness came
Loose and I was shot through the
Crowd, out an open window and on
To 42nd street, where I was hit
By a passing bus.
Thanks to frank gublin, I
Received a settlement of
40 tickets.
>> are we the only new york firm
Specializing in "spider-man:
Turn off the dark" injuries?
No.
Are we the best?
You bet.
>> I'm a prominent irish rock
Star who had his reputation
Irreparably damaged by this
Show.
I called frank gublin and thanks
To him, I received a settlement
Of one ticket to a future
Performance of "spider-man: Turn
Off the dark."
>> we've settled all kinds of
Complaints.
Didn't like the song,
Confused by the plot,
Insulted legacy of spider-man,
Fell asleep so suddenly, I hit
Head on seat in front of me,
Sucky title,
Green goblin's pants fell down,
Saw package.
[ laughter ]
>> did frank gublin get me a
Settlement?
Why don't you ask my new
Spider-man hat?
>> thanks, frank gublin.
>> the reviews are in.
>> guilty.
>> what are you waiting for?
Call frank dublin today.
>> gublin and greene.
"spider-man: Turn off the dark"
Injury lawyers.
>>> hi, everybody.
I am cheryl brown, and you know
What that means?
You are watching ultimate
Vacation giveaway.
Millions of you have entered for
Our six week dream vacation, but
There can only be one winner,
And I am outside his house right
Now.
I cannot believe I'm going to
Knock on that door.
Come on!
This is so exciting.
I cannot wait to see his face.
[ laughter ]
>> mr. Gregory evans?
>> yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
>> well, greg, guess what?
We are live, and you have won
Travel channel's ultimate
Vacation giveaway.
You won!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
[ laughter ]
>> huh, really?
>> well, yeah, really.
Woo-h
Woo-hoo!
It is six weeks on a private
Yacht.
We're on live tv.
Can you believe this, greg?
Look in the camera.
How do you feel?
>> I feel --
Good, I guess.
>> come on!
Come on, get excited.
This is what people want to see.
Whoo!
This whole trip is worth
$50,000!
>> I hope I don't got to pay
Taxes on that, do I?
>> you might, I don't know.
[ laughter ]
You still got to be really happy
About it.
Come on and show it on tv!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Come on, come on.
Whoo!
I can't believe I won!
I have a question, okay?
Are you ready to snorkel?
>> I don't know how to swim.
[ laughter ]
>> why did you enter to win a
Cruise?
Guess what?
You leave Friday!
Whoo!
>> do I have to get up early?
>> maybe this will get you Pumped.
Ready?
Whoo!
Come on now.
Yeah!
Come on now yeah!
How much time do we have left?
I'm starting to get a little
Anxiety.
Having a hard time breathing.
Okay.
What?
Okay, good, yes.
I'm okay.
Yes.
Good, yes.
Right now we are all just going
To take a look back at some of
Our past winners, okay, greg,
And some of their reactions.
I love how jacked up they get.
You should watch them and get
Jacked up, too, because you're
Not doing anything.
>> oh, my god, I've never been
On vacation before in my life!
Whoo!
I'm so happy!
>> yeah!
I'm out of this stink town!
Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah, suck on that!
Suck on that!
[ laughter ]
>> you won!
Did you see that one guy?
He messed his pants.
Did you?
You are dry.
These pants are thin.
>> hey, greg.
>> hey.
>> sorry, am I interrupting?
>> no.
>> yes, yes, he just won a six
Week vacation!
>> oh, neat.
Here is your mail.
>> okay.
Well, folks, thankfully we are
Out of time.
So I just want to say --
>> oh, my god.
It's the bpottery barn catalog.
The annual drape event.
Free shipping.
Four more years!
>> there you have it.
To greg from me and the travel
Channel.
>> cheryl, watch out for that
Gutter.
>> what?
[ laughter ]
>> oh, yeah!
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> kelly donovan spent 17 years
In an english prison.
>> do you really feel that
You're rehabilitated,
Mr. Donovan.
>> yeah, that's right.
>> and vowed to turn away from a
Life of crime.
>> I got a job for you, terry.
>> nah, I don't do that kind of
Thing anymore.
>> but he'll pick up a gun, once
Again, to defend the only thing
He loves.
>> if you don't do what we
Say --
[ muttering ]
>> the critics of raving,
British, extremely british.
I didn't understand what they
Were saying.
[ muttering ]
>> from the producers of "sexy
Beast," "the red riding trilogy"
And "lock stock" and
"two smoking barrels."
>> burn for you!
[ muttering ]
>> and the director of "round
The bend," "grow up, all right"
Comes the toughest, grittiest,
Most british crime drama of the
Year.
>> don't go round, round me
Round.
>> don't go round and round.
♪
>> usa today says I thought they
Were speaking a foreign
Language.
I don't think I heard a single
Thing.
>> if we don't pay, they're
Going to kill us.
>> darling, go say I told him --
[ muttering ]
>> but what if you're wrong?
[ laughter ]
[ muttering ]
>> "time" magazine says, is
There a way to turn on subtitles
For a movie in english?
If so, which button is it?
>> all right.
>> hey, hey.
>> oh.
Why didn't you say so.
>> peter travers of "rolling
Stone" says, the one guy in the
Track suit, gypsy or crispy --
He was good.
Either way, it seemed like a lot
Of killing over a very small
Amount of money.
♪
>> don't you go round and round
To rero.
>> next Sunday --
[ muttering ]
>> what?
♪
>>> in medieval England it was
Customary for kings to employ a
Royal taster.
These brave souls would try all
Of the monarch's food to ensure
It contained no poison.
Our story takes place in the
Court of king reginald.
>> king reginald, thank you so
Much for choosing me to be your
Royal taster.
>> what can I say, I am a man of
Great taste.
>> very funny.
>> thank you.
It's nice to hear a kind word
After a day of receiving death
Threats.
>> death threats?
>> yes.
I'm a very unpopular king, but
Fear not, we're quite safe here.
>> that's good.
>> yes.
I have no enemies within these
Walls.
Chef!
Get your fat, ignorant ass in
Here!
[ laughter ]
>> what do you want now, you
Monster?
>> why is your chef so angry
With you?
>> oh, last night's beef was a
Little tough, so I had his
Family killed.
>> and this gentleman prepares
All your food?
>> yes.
The ones you'll be tasting.
Chef, pretend you have a brain,
And bring me some beet soup
Because that's all you're good
For!
>> you've been riding me for
Years.
Every day pushing me closer and
Closer to the edge!
Oh, I'll get you your beet soup,
And it's going to be a meal to
Die for!
[ light laughter ]
>> sounds tasty.
>> king, I think the chef means
To poison you.
>> oh, no.
Don't worry about that.
He's all bluster.
Isn't that right, you ass-mouth
Chef?
You don't have the stones to
Challenge me.
Oh, sure, you may be my cousin,
Who's next in line to be king.
Meaning if I die, you instantly
Become king, but right now
You're nothing but a cowardly
Chef!
See, I humiliate you.
I mock you with the bread you
Bake!
>> oh, I'm going to poison you!
I'm going to put poison in your
Food, and you are going to die
From the poison!
>> wow.
He just came out and said it
There.
>> sorry?
Oh, come on.
Relax.
What's the worst he could do?
>> feed us poison.
>> I think you're being a bit
Paranoid.
Oh, goody, soup.
Be a lamb and taste it, will
You?
Wait!
You can't eat this.
>> oh, thank god.
>> no, it still needs salt.
Salt it, you moron!
>> oh!
[ laughter ]
>> that's very obviously poison.
>> oh, calm down, taster.
I think you're being rather
Cynical.
>> choke it down, you devil!
Choke it down and eat it.
Oh, I'm sorry, you first.
>> you know what?
It's actually very good.
There's a subtle hint of --
>> chef?
>> hmm?
>> did you just try to poison
Me?
>> I'll never tell.
>> oh, you cheeky, chef.
You're the best in the biz.
Bring me another t-t-t-t-taster.
>> this has been "the king's
Speech."
Now you can say you saw it.
>>> ladies and gentlemen, chris
Brown!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ move your body
Out on the floor
Put your troubles aside
And start living ♪
♪ anybody can let go
Throw away all your problems
Cause right now it's
Party time ♪
♪ girl don't feel outta place
Cause I, I'm in love with
This feeling now
And I hope that this will ♪
♪ last a while
We should make it
Last a while
You like to drink ♪
♪ so do we
Get more bottles
Bring 'em to me
Hold your glasses up ♪
♪ people everywhere
Now everybody put your
Hands in the air say
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ girl I wanna
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna see you tonight
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ girl I gotta, I gotta
I gotta
I gotta see you tonight ♪
♪
♪ oh oh, let me see ♪
Your hands ♪
♪
♪ oh oh, tonight is the night
All the pretty young ♪
♪ things in the party
Let me see your hands up
And if they mad and they
Don't wanna party ♪
♪ so dj turn
And watch me turn it up
Don't worry bout it we
Here to party ♪
♪ so jump, jump, jump, jump
Girl I gotta, I gotta
I gotta
I gotta see you tonight ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ tonight is the night
Tonight is the night
Tonight is the night ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> "weekend update with seth
Meyers."
[ cheers and applause ]
>> good evening.
I'm seth meyers.
And here are tonight's top
Stories.
>>> history was made Friday when
Egyptian president hosni mubarak
Bowed to pressure from peaceful
Protesters and stepped down from
Office.
No word what he will do next but
There's really only one job
Available for an 82-year-old
Man.
[ laughter ]
This week was the conservative
Political action conference or
Cpac, an annual meeting of
Conservative politicians and
Activists or as some call it tea
Party comic-con.
[ laughter ]
Dick cheney made a surprise
Appearance at the cpac Thursday
To present donald rumsfeld with
The defender of the constitution
Award.
And if you're wondering, yes,
The irony was lost on them.
[ laughter ]
Representative christopher lee,
A married congressman from new
York state, abruptly resigned
His seat on Wednesday after the
Website gawker posted shirtless
Pictures he took of himself and
Sent to a woman he met on
Craigslist.
Eh, say what you will about
Hosni mubarak, but at least you
Don't know what his nipples look
Like.
[ laughter ]
Also, nothing looks more rent
Than having the phone in the
Dirty picture you're taking.
Here is my idea.
An app that automatically
Replaces the phone in your dirty
Pictures.
For example, isn't this picture
Better with a fan?
[ laughter ]
Or how about a shake weight?
[ laughter ]
How about an elmo puppet?
[ laughter ]
Actually it's way worse with the
Elmo puppet, don't do that.
>>> this Sunday's super bowl was
The most watched show ever on
Television with a record 111
Million viewers or as christina
Aguilera was reassured, hardly
Anyone.
>>> on Friday after 18 days of
Protests egyptian president
Hosni mubarak finally stepped
Down.
Here to give us his version of
Events, hosni, mubarak.
>> hello, hello.
>> solt how are things?
>> not great, seth.
30 years in power and all I have
To show for it is $70 billion of
The egyptian people's money.
[ laughter ]
Hsk, my friends, seth.
I have made so many friends.
People were so sad to see me go.
>> I don't know if that was the
Case.
Now, many expected you were
Going to resign on Thursday.
Instead you gave a very defiant
Speech saying you would stay in
Power.
What was your plan there?
>> my plan was simple.
I will say, I hear your
Complaints, I am proud of you,
And, therefore, I am not
Resigning.
Basically I was trying the old
Jedi mind trick.
It turned out I was the droid
They were looking for.
>> so you resigned on Friday.
It must have been very hard for
You.
>> it was.
My secretary of 30 years said to
Me, she took my hands and looked
Me in the eyes and said, you
Have raped this country.
May the jackal headed god anubis
Feast on your entrails in hell.
It was very sweet.
>> sounds like she was angry.
And now the report the swiss
Bank has frozen your funds.
>> I know!
[ laughter ]
Can you believe it, seth?
They said we think you may have
Come by your money illegally.
And I was like, duh!
Of course I came by it
Illegally.
Why do you think I put it in a
Swiss bank?
I am not swiss.
I didn't do it for the
Convenient atm locations.
I should have listened to my
Grant father who said always
Bury your money in a sarcophagus
Under a pyramid.
>> well, I do want to thank you
For stopping by.
>> before I go I want to take a
Moment to thank the american
People.
>> you don't have do that.
>> yes, I do.
Important to me, seth.
Bring the camera in a little, a
Little closer.
America, thank you.
You propped up my regime for
Over 30 years.
I could never have done it
Without all of your money and
Support and tear gas.
You know what they say, seth,
Behind every horrible dictator
Is an enabling super power.
America --
♪ you are the wind beneath my
Wings ♪
>> definitely, you don't have to
Tell people that about us.
>> I'm not done, seth.
Was I perfect?
No.
Did I do my best?
I did not.
Did I care about my people?
Not really.
[ laughter ]
Did I steal at every
Opportunity?
You bet.
I think I lost my train of
Thought.
[ laughter ]
>> hosni mubarak, everybody!
>>> it was announced month that
Aol is buying "the huffington
Post" website for $315 million.
A spokesman for aol was quoted
As saying --
[ modem sounds ]
According to reports iran's
Government has banned iranian tv
Channels from showing cooking
Programs that present recipes
For foreign cuisine.
So look for iran's newest
Cooking show, hummus again?
It was announced Tuesday that
Keith olbermann will host a
Nightly prime time news and
Commentary show on current tv.
If you're not familiar current
Tv, it's a channel founded by al
Gore.
If you are familiar with current
Tv, congratulations on being al
Gore.
[ laughter ]
>>> a woman in England returned
A jack russell terrier that she
Had adopted from a shelter two
Days earlier because she said he
Clashed with her curtains.
And maybe don't let her take any
Other dogs home because it
Sounds like she might be making
A rug.
[ laughter ]
I'm protecting the dogs.
According to a new poll the two
Most popular super powers people
Want are the ability to time
Travel and read minds.
Said aqua man, so nobody went
For talking to fish?
[ laughter ]
Your loss.
They say some pretty interesting
Things.
If you need me, I will be at the
Bottom of the ocean.
[ laughter ]
Monday is valentine's day, and
Here to debut their new
Valentine's day single, please
Welcome lil wayne and eminem.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> yep.
Wez at a baby "snl."
Ya dig?
>> so you two have written a
Valentine's day song.
About valentine's day.
>> yeah, seth.
It goes out to all the ladies.
>> okay.
Now, in the past some women have
Criticized you for what are
Considered misogynistic lyrics.
>> this is a song straight from
The heart.
We wrote it while drinking red
Wine and watching "the
Notebook."
[ laughter ]
>> so there's nothing offensive
In this song?
>> if there was we took it out.
>> all right.
So it's just a regular love
Song.
>> that's right.
Here we go.
This song is called "softer."
>> that's a nice title.
I like it.
♪ yeah, love your body, girl I'm
Just love struck ♪
♪ so let's go home ♪
♪ it's time to -- ♪
♪ baby let's cruise on my love
Boat ♪
♪ if not I'm gonna -- your
Throat ♪
>> whoa.
Stop you right there.
Even though there are words
Missing, I still get the feeling
Women won't be too happy about
This valentine's day song.
>> huh?
>> in the last lyric even though
You didn't actually say it I'm
Pretty sure you were going do
Something bad to a lady's
Throat.
>> I mean, I could have been
Kissing on her threat.
>> were you kissing on her
Throat?
>> maybe.
>> I'm pretty sure women aren't
Going to like this song.
>> come on, seth, we're trying
Really hard to be nice.
Just listen to em's verse.
>> I'd love to.
Hit it.
♪ happy valentine ♪
♪ in my trunk
Ain't going to buy you chocolate
Or a picture in a market from
Target ♪
>> no, no, no.
Hold on.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> there is no nice thing to say
To a woman that ends in night.
>> chocolate cake or brownie.
>> were you willing to get her
Chocolate cake or brownies?
I don't want to hear this
Anymore.
>> come on, seth.
Give us another chance.
There's nothing in the chorus
That's offensive.
>> do you promise?
>> cross my wheezy heart.
Here we go.
♪ in a car
And your mama too ♪
>> no, no, that is enough.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> a doctor in colorado is
Converted two trailers into
Mobile doctors offices to help
Dispense medical marijuana to
Patients in rural areas.
Wait, I'm sorry, I read that
Wrong.
Some guy in colorado is selling
Weed out of a trailer.
A woman in queens, new york,
Says she was shocked when she
Played a diego cartoon dvd that
She bought at a local toys "r"
Us for her son and it turned out
To be a porn movie titled
"bubble butt bonanza 17."
[ laughter ]
Too bad she wasn't patient.
At the 14 in my opinion mark
Diego shows up.
[ laughter ]
Did the anyone order a pizza con
Chorizo?
[ laughter ]
In an upcoming interview with
"60 minutes," lady gaga says
When she's with someone in bed,
They call her stephanie and not
By her stage name since that
Would freak her out.
I think the most surprising part
Of this story to me is that she
Has sex in a bed.
[ laughter ]
Authorities in England have
Given permission to a local
Swimming pool to use energy from
The next door crematorium to
Heat its water.
They just have to get everyone
Out of the pool once in a while
To skim out the ghosts.
[ laughter ]
>>> on valentine's day thousands
Of new york couples will be
Stepping out to some of the
City's most romantic spots.
Here with some tips on where to
Go to make the evening truly
Unforgettable, our city
Correspondent, stephan.
[ cheers and applause ]
>> hi.
>> hi, stephan.
How have you been?
>> the same.
[ laughter ]
>> okay.
The weather has been crazy,
Right?
>> I know.
Everywhere I go it's like 100
Degrees.
[ laughter ]
>> right, right.
Now, stephan, lots of new york
Couples will be stepping out for
Valentine's day.
Where should they go if they
Want an evening to remember?
>> I have the perfect spot.
New york's hottest club is boof.
[ laughter ]
Located in an abandoned
Orphanage on the lower lower
East side of chelsea.
This round the clock puke party
Is the creation of narcoleptic
Club owner snoozen lucci.
[ laughter ]
And this place has everything.
Pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a
Wise old turtle that looks like
Quincy jones.
[ laughter ]
L and you'll have your own "when
Harry met sally" moment when you
Share a special kiss with
"gizblo the coked up gremlin."
[ laughter ]
[ gremlin noises ]
I'll have what she's having.
[ laughter ]
>>> let me get a pen.
What was the name of that place
Again?
>> boof with nine "os."
>> got it.
Now I know that I will
Definitely not go there.
>> why not?
>> maybe I should be more
Specific.
Take me, for example.
>> gladly.
>> I'm trying to find a place to
Take my serious girlfriend.
>> this always happens to me.
>> we've been dating for a
Couple years.
>> boy, do I know how to pick
Them.
>> I work so darn much.
>> you got to pay the bills.
>> I just want Monday night to
Be special.
>> stephan to be rescue.
New york's hottest valentine's
Day club is -- by 90-year-old
Club promoter fuji houser md.
It has everything.
Stun guns, mall people, freezing
Cold air.
And this valentine's day, you
Can lose yourself on the dance
Floor surrounded by 12 dancing
Jupids.
>> jupids?
>> jewish cupids.
[ laughter ]
>> oh.
>> I just want you to meet
Someone nice and settle down.
[ laughter ]
>> I got to be honest.
>> what?
>> I don't think my girlfriend
Would like that.
>> you should probably break up
With her and do like a total 180
Or something.
>> no!
[ laughter ]
No, stephan.
Do you have any tips for how to
Have a simple romantic
Nonpsychotic valentine's day?
>> yes.
You don't need to leave the
House.
Just give the person you love a
Romantic valentine's day gift.
>> you mean like a box of
Chocolate?
>> no, like human suitcases.
>> what is a human suitcase?
>> it's a thing when a midget on
Roller skates wears all of your
Clothes and then you pull them
Through an airport.
[ laughter ]
>> staffan.
>> a human suitcase.
Would you give your valentine
One of those?
>> stephan is single right now.
He doesn't have a valentine.
Oh!
>> oh!
>> well, maybe just for tonight,
And just for tonight, you can be
My valentine.
>> you mean it?
>> yeah.
I guess I got struck by jupids
Arrow.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> welcome to livin' single.
She's the best-selling author,
And she did it all without a
Man.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dena deanglo is living single!
[ cheers and applause ]
♪ simple kind of girl in a
Simple kind of world ♪
>> thank you.
Single and loving it.
Say hi.
>> hi.
Guys, whether you're a widow, a
Divorcee, a single military
Personnel or a solo girl who
Just don't give a dang --
This show is for you.
Right, guys?
[ cheers and applause ]
Single and loving it thanks to
You.
>> I left my husband and now I'm
Single and stronger.
>> are you so happy?
>> almost.
>> dj terry, I see you.
>> you're changing lives, dena.
>> you are such a good friend.
You know, dj terry has asked me
Out 11 times, and each time I
Have said no.
Not because I don't think he's a
Super cool dude, but because I
Know that he and I are better
Off single!
>> it really is better.
You're amazing.
>> okay.
So, who hates valentine's day?
Boo, right?
Well, you don't have to hate it
Anymore.
Just do what I do, ladies.
Get your white wine and draw
Your bubble bath and spoil
Yourself.
>> or you can go on a date with
Your dj!
>> very funny, dude.
>> right?
>> now, even if you're single,
Valentine's day is all about the
Sweets.
So, we have a renowned pastry
Chef here today.
This guy is cool, you guys!
Please welcome damian cryer.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
>> thank you for coming, damian!
>> it's an absolute and eternal
Pleasure.
>> oh, you're british and much
Taller than I expected.
>> and you're american and much
Lovelier than I expected.
Oh, there's something on your
Face.
What is it?
Oh, it's my hand.
>> oh.
Okay.
[ laughter ]
That just happened.
Okay.
Damien, let's talk v day
Desserts for one.
>> certainly.
Dena, what is the most
Decadent, luxurious, and
Arousing food?
>> uh --
I don't know.
>> well, it's chocolate, isn't
It?
Do you need a little taste?
[ laughter ]
>> you just do whatever you
Want, don't you?
>> or whomever I want.
>> you're funny.
Terry, are you loving this guy?
[ laughter ]
>> he's great.
>> okay.
Now, we're going to make a mini
Chocolate lava cake.
It's positively sinful.
Do you like sinful things, dena?
Is it sinful if I put your hand
On my pectoral?
Is that okay?
>> we're having a blast on livin
Single, huh?
Give us a beat, terry.
>> no!
[ laughter ]
I don't want to give him the
Beat.
>> terry, it's your job.
♪
[ laughter ]
♪
>> okay.
Now, dena, gosh, that was good.
Now, cooking is all about
Chemistry, isn't it?
So stir the cocoa like a good
Girl.
Don't be scared.
>> okay.
>> why are my hands shaking?
>> because we're making
Something, aren't we?
>> it's a cake!
>> we skipped a few steps, but
Here is what the finished
Products will look like.
>> you're amazing.
>> terry, I brought that cd.
Will you play that cd I gave
You.
>> you're not my boss.
>> terry, it's your job.
♪
>> see you next time on "livin'
Single."
And just remember, just because
You're flying solo doesn't mean
You can't soar.
Okay, bye.
>>> welcome once again to "a
Spot of tea."
Where me and the girls share our
Favorite hot beverage and gab
With the news of the day and
Gossip and such.
>> such gossip we do.
>> indeed, we do!
>> yes.
>> as always, we are coming to
You from our cottage.
And if you're wondering what
This machine is in the midst of
Our tea and various finger
Sandwiches, it's a seismograph.
Yes, it seems our cottage is
Atop the most active fault lines
In this region of the world.
But the show must go on and the
Rent is low!
>> and the tea is minty.
>> let's get to it, shall we?
Ladies, shall we pour?
>> yeah, yes, yes.
>> let us commence.
We are pouring hot tea and --
[ yelling ]
>> and the shaking has subsided.
Will you hand me the seismograph
Sheet, please?
>> with pleasure.
>> now then, this is where the
Show began, and here is where
Things went awry.
>> I remember that.
>> which brings us to our next
Topic.
Who would like some steaming hot
Tea?
>> this tea is also quite spacey
And therefore capable of burning
In two fashions.
>> is it safe to pour such cause
Caustic tea?
>> pinkies up.
>> and let us pour.
Pouring the tea!
>> ever so close to our delicate
Faces.
[ yelling ]
[ laughter ]
>> it once again subsides.
>> that almost shook me out of
My undergarments.
>> it doesn't take much to do
That.
Now a word from the show's
Sponsor.
Today's show is brought to us by
Tall cabinets full of glass.
When you need a cabinet as tall
As it is top heavy, look no
Further than --
[ yelling ]
[ laughter ]
>> the tremor has subsided.
I feel ravaged.
It was an earthquake, not your
Horse hung garden boy.
>> naughty.
>> boiling hot cauldrons of
Cheese fondue.
>> fondue coming right up.
[ yelling ]
>> how is everybody doing
Tonight?
[ cheers and applause ]
♪
♪ 3:00 in the morning
You know I'm horny
So why don't you come
Over my place ♪
♪ and put a smile on my face
Leaving the club, girl
Hurry up
So we can get ♪
♪ this party started
And take off our clothes now
You already know what
Time it is ♪
♪ reach up in that dresser
Where them condoms is
And baby when I get it
I'll never let go ♪
♪ gonna take it slow
We ain't gonna stop
Till 9:00 a.M
If you can't take it ♪
♪ all baby say when
Make you come over
And over again
And I'm a leave it in ♪
♪ when we do it all night
We can do it all night
Girl, I'm a give it to you
All night ♪
♪ don't you be on that bull
Yeah yeah
All night
Don't you be on that bull ♪
♪ now there's one of two
Things that can happen at
This time of the hour
So baby after we get ♪
♪ out of the shower
You can race me to the bed
Turn off all the lights and
Light some candles instead ♪
♪ oh, yeah
I can hear your body
Calling, baby
Oh, yeah ♪
♪ we gonna get freaky
You know darling
You know what time it is
Get it in, I'm a do it all ♪
♪ we ain't gonna stop
Till 9:00 a.M
If you can't take it ♪
♪ all baby say when
Make you over
And over again
And I'm a leave it in ♪
♪ when we do it all night
We can do it all night
Girl, I'm a give it to you
All night ♪
♪ don't you be on that bull
Yeah yeah
All night
Don't you be on that bull ♪
♪ don't you be on that bull
Yeah yeah
All night
Ladies
♪ we can do it all
All night, girl
We can do it all
All night, girl ♪
♪ we can do it all
All night, girl ♪
We can do it all
All night, baby all night ♪
♪ all night, all night
All night, all night so fly
Girl ♪
♪
Girl, act like you know me
Don't you be on that bull ♪
♪ yeah, yeah
All night
So don't you be on that bull
Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ don't you be on that bull
Yeah, yeah
Don't you be on that bull
Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ hey, hey
♪ then when you
Leaving the club
I just want you to
Come over, girl ♪
♪ ohh nananaa
Naanananaa ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
>> thank you.
>>> mr. Speaker, senator paul,
Representative pelosi, I call
This meeting to put an end to
All the fighting about the
Founding fathers.
We at the pentagon have
Developed a top secret time
Machine.
It has the ability to bring a
Single person from the past to
The present day.
When I press this button
President george washington will
Appear.
You will each have 60 seconds to
Make your case.
At that point president
Washington will give his expert
Opinion, we will accept it, and
Then we will send him back to
The past.
Can everyone agree to those
Terms?
>> yes.
>> that's fair.
>> very well.
Let us proceed.
I give you the father of our
Country, president george
Washington.
[ laughter ]
>> president washington.
>> it's him.
>> where am I?
What has happened?
>> you must be confused.
Hel he, preside
Hello, president washington,
Welcome.
Whoa!
>> where am I?
What is this nightmare place?
Are you gods or are you men?
>> mr. President, please calm
Down.
We're trying to explain to
You --
>> easy, easy.
[ yelling ]
>> sir, please!
[ laughter ]
[ yelling ]
>> what have you done to me?
Are you gods or are you men?
What is this place?
>> oh, no.
I killed george washington.
[ laughter ]
>> it's okay.
>> you saved my life.
You saved my life.
>> I'm not going to lie.
That did not go as planned.
[ laughter ]
So can we agree to keep this
Between us, yeah?
Yeah?
Okay, good.
Well, I'm going to see you guys
Around, okay?
That's not good.
[ cheers and applause ]
>>> thank you very much,
To chris brown, everyone!
[ cheers and applause ]
And I'd like to thank the
Wonderful cast here and
Incredible crew at "Saturday
Night live."
It's been wonderful to be back.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
I'd like to thank bill for being
A wonderful human being and
Demonstrating what it is to be a
Man.
Thank you very much.
Have a wonderful valentine's
Day.
-- Sync by InSUBs -- addic7ed.com -- insubs.com
Captions paid for by nbc-universal television
.