1
00:00:01,530 --> 00:00:05,066
I'm not going to make it
over tonight, sweetie.
2
00:00:05,067 --> 00:00:07,268
Yeah, I got to pull
another double shift.
3
00:00:07,269 --> 00:00:09,604
The snowstorm's
left us shorthanded,
4
00:00:09,605 --> 00:00:10,905
and somebody's got
to keep the city
5
00:00:10,906 --> 00:00:13,541
from crumbling
into anarchy and mob rule.
6
00:00:13,542 --> 00:00:16,043
Hand me the pringles.
7
00:00:16,044 --> 00:00:19,363
No, no. The ranch.
8
00:00:19,364 --> 00:00:20,982
I'll see you tomorrow
when I get off of work.
9
00:00:20,983 --> 00:00:22,750
I love you, too.
10
00:00:22,751 --> 00:00:25,319
Poor thing.
She really misses me.
11
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:28,055
Well, life with a police officer
is a life of sacrifice.
12
00:00:28,056 --> 00:00:30,124
That's why I've chosen not
to enter into a relationship.
13
00:00:30,125 --> 00:00:31,492
Isn't fair to the woman.
14
00:00:31,493 --> 00:00:33,895
I see. It's got nothing to do
15
00:00:33,896 --> 00:00:36,097
with her being unwilling
to climb in your window
16
00:00:36,098 --> 00:00:38,599
after your grandma falls asleep.
17
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,868
Hey, if a woman's not willing
to shimmy up a drainpipe
18
00:00:40,869 --> 00:00:42,236
to get a little taste
of Carl McMillan,
19
00:00:42,237 --> 00:00:45,139
then she's too full
of herself, anyway.
20
00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:46,274
You know what?
21
00:00:46,275 --> 00:00:47,642
If we're going to
be here for a while,
22
00:00:47,643 --> 00:00:48,910
I'm going to kick my shoes off.
23
00:00:48,911 --> 00:00:51,012
Uh-uh. Leave those
nasty things on.
24
00:00:51,013 --> 00:00:53,548
I don't want to be breathing
your stanky foot funk.
25
00:00:53,549 --> 00:00:55,182
Hey, my socks got soaking wet
26
00:00:55,183 --> 00:00:56,384
pushing that car
out of the ditch,
27
00:00:56,385 --> 00:00:57,819
and I don't want
to catch a cold.
28
00:00:57,820 --> 00:00:59,654
So you're going to air 'em
out over the heating vents?
29
00:00:59,655 --> 00:01:02,156
You might as well just stick
your toes in my nostrils.
30
00:01:02,157 --> 00:01:05,560
And besides, I told you to
wear your galoshes today.
31
00:01:05,561 --> 00:01:06,661
I don't like the galoshes.
32
00:01:06,662 --> 00:01:08,663
They compromise
the dignity of the uniform.
33
00:01:08,664 --> 00:01:10,765
Right. Kind of like that
big glob of pickle relish
34
00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:12,166
you got on your badge.
35
00:01:15,270 --> 00:01:18,372
It's salsa.
36
00:01:18,373 --> 00:01:20,875
Regardless, I'd prefer you
to leave your shoes on.
37
00:01:20,876 --> 00:01:22,176
It's bad enough to be smelling
38
00:01:22,177 --> 00:01:23,578
your breath, armpits
and backside.
39
00:01:23,579 --> 00:01:25,513
We don't need to be adding
the smell of your feet
40
00:01:25,514 --> 00:01:27,215
and my vomit to the mix.
41
00:01:27,216 --> 00:01:29,684
I hate to tell you this,
but after a double shift,
42
00:01:29,685 --> 00:01:32,019
you're not exactly a romp
in a flowery meadow.
43
00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:33,754
Hey, every time we've
stopped for coffee,
44
00:01:33,755 --> 00:01:35,423
I have brushed my
teeth, washed my face
45
00:01:35,424 --> 00:01:38,025
and splashed on a couple a
drops of my signature scent.
46
00:01:38,026 --> 00:01:40,228
Yeah, let's talk
about your signature scent.
47
00:01:40,229 --> 00:01:41,579
What is it, exactly?
48
00:01:41,580 --> 00:01:44,565
'cause it smells like
the inside of a hamster cage.
49
00:01:44,566 --> 00:01:45,967
That's the cedar bark.
50
00:01:45,968 --> 00:01:49,370
It also contains sandalwood,
clove and a hint of jasmine.
51
00:01:49,371 --> 00:01:51,372
But I'm guessing those
aromatic subtleties are lost
52
00:01:51,373 --> 00:01:54,609
on a man who has two blocks
of parmesan cheese for feet.
53
00:01:54,610 --> 00:01:56,077
Fine.
54
00:01:56,078 --> 00:01:58,312
Let's stop at a drugstore,
and I'll buy some new socks.
55
00:01:58,313 --> 00:01:59,881
You need to buy some new feet.
56
00:01:59,882 --> 00:02:01,682
You know what?
Screw it.
57
00:02:01,683 --> 00:02:02,950
The shoes are coming off.
58
00:02:02,951 --> 00:02:04,251
Then I'm opening
all the windows.
59
00:02:04,252 --> 00:02:05,653
Fine. It's ten below.
60
00:02:05,654 --> 00:02:07,254
We'll both just
freeze to death.
61
00:02:07,255 --> 00:02:08,472
I'd rather freeze
to death than die
62
00:02:08,473 --> 00:02:10,358
from a bad case of
parmesan foot lung.
63
00:02:10,359 --> 00:02:12,092
Hey, whatever.
Doesn't bother me.
64
00:02:12,093 --> 00:02:13,277
Doesn't bother me, either.
65
00:02:13,278 --> 00:02:14,262
Hey, I like the cold.
66
00:02:14,263 --> 00:02:15,663
Turn on the air conditioner.
67
00:02:15,664 --> 00:02:16,731
Don't think I won't.
Do it.
68
00:02:16,732 --> 00:02:18,432
I'm gonna!
69
00:02:18,433 --> 00:02:23,270
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
70
00:02:23,271 --> 00:02:26,741
♪ I see love. ♪
71
00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:33,066
Sync and corrections by GeirDM
for www.addic7ed.com
72
00:02:43,576 --> 00:02:46,011
What are you doing?
It's ten below out here!
73
00:02:46,012 --> 00:02:47,512
Well, it's 4:59 in here,
74
00:02:47,513 --> 00:02:49,615
and we don't open until 5:00.
75
00:02:51,217 --> 00:02:53,218
You know, we have a
battering ram in the car.
76
00:02:53,219 --> 00:02:56,755
And I've got french toast
in the back, so play nice.
77
00:03:08,001 --> 00:03:09,734
Come on!
78
00:03:27,470 --> 00:03:28,687
Morning, gentleman.
79
00:03:28,688 --> 00:03:30,606
Do you have a reservation?
80
00:03:33,309 --> 00:03:34,526
I don't want to sit here.
81
00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:35,761
Why not?
82
00:03:35,762 --> 00:03:37,262
It's too close to the door.
I prefer a booth.
83
00:03:37,263 --> 00:03:38,397
Fine.
We'll do whatever you want,
84
00:03:38,398 --> 00:03:39,597
like we always do.
85
00:03:39,598 --> 00:03:40,565
Oh, really?
86
00:03:40,566 --> 00:03:41,767
We always do what I want?
87
00:03:41,768 --> 00:03:43,268
That's why we got
to listen to bluegrass music
88
00:03:43,269 --> 00:03:44,736
on the drive home every night?
89
00:03:44,737 --> 00:03:46,872
It's not bluegrass,
it's roots music.
90
00:03:46,873 --> 00:03:48,407
They ain't my roots.
91
00:03:48,408 --> 00:03:50,709
Just a bunch of hillbillies
with banjos
92
00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:53,078
complaining
about the train being late.
93
00:03:53,846 --> 00:03:55,113
♪ Where's that train♪
♪
94
00:03:55,114 --> 00:03:56,648
♪ She's on that train,
I missed that train ♪
95
00:03:56,649 --> 00:03:58,283
♪ Train, train, train. ♪
96
00:03:58,284 --> 00:04:00,752
If you don't like
my choice in music,
97
00:04:00,753 --> 00:04:01,953
get another ride to work.
98
00:04:01,954 --> 00:04:03,255
It wasn't my idea to carpool.
99
00:04:03,256 --> 00:04:04,656
Well, I thought it would save
you a little money
100
00:04:04,657 --> 00:04:05,924
with both of us paying for gas.
101
00:04:05,925 --> 00:04:08,694
And it would, if we were
both actually paying for gas.
102
00:04:08,695 --> 00:04:10,595
Unfortunately,
your wallet and your pants
103
00:04:10,596 --> 00:04:11,847
are like Superman
and Clark Kent.
104
00:04:11,848 --> 00:04:15,534
Never in the same place
at the same time.
105
00:04:15,535 --> 00:04:18,854
I'm not going to apologize
to you for being frugal.
106
00:04:18,855 --> 00:04:21,490
Frugal? You live rent-free
at your grandma's house,
107
00:04:21,491 --> 00:04:22,974
and she even cuts your hair.
108
00:04:22,975 --> 00:04:25,811
Cutting my hair brings
that old woman a lot of joy.
109
00:04:25,812 --> 00:04:28,146
Besides, nana cuts
the straightest lines in town.
110
00:04:28,147 --> 00:04:29,648
I'd be a fool
to bring my business elsewhere.
111
00:04:29,649 --> 00:04:30,866
Seriously though,
112
00:04:30,867 --> 00:04:31,950
don't you think
it's a little weird,
113
00:04:31,951 --> 00:04:33,752
a grown man living
with his grandmother?
114
00:04:33,753 --> 00:04:35,520
Hey, I don't live with her,
she lives with me.
115
00:04:35,521 --> 00:04:36,621
In her house.
116
00:04:36,622 --> 00:04:39,958
Yes. Which I'll inherit
when she dies.
117
00:04:41,427 --> 00:04:42,728
And as long as we're asking
118
00:04:42,729 --> 00:04:44,463
the tough questions,
let my ask you something.
119
00:04:44,464 --> 00:04:45,630
How are you so...
120
00:04:45,631 --> 00:04:47,566
Fat? Is that what you want
to know, smart guy?
121
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,101
No, actually, I was going
to say "bull-headed."
122
00:04:49,102 --> 00:04:50,635
I spend all day
in a car with you.
123
00:04:50,636 --> 00:04:53,538
I know why you're so fat.
124
00:04:53,539 --> 00:04:57,059
You know,
just because I'm overweight,
125
00:04:57,060 --> 00:04:58,410
you think you're better than me.
126
00:04:58,411 --> 00:05:00,379
Not at everything.
Just foot racing, swimming,
127
00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:02,514
climbing, getting in the car,
getting out of the car,
128
00:05:02,515 --> 00:05:05,717
picking up a quarter,
pushing a plate away.
129
00:05:07,186 --> 00:05:09,805
That's it! I'm
switching tables!
130
00:05:09,806 --> 00:05:11,239
Oh, and deny me
your witty conversation
131
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:12,457
and brilliant repartee?
132
00:05:12,458 --> 00:05:13,909
Hey! I'm done
talking to you.
133
00:05:13,910 --> 00:05:15,327
I was done talking to you first.
134
00:05:15,328 --> 00:05:17,429
You always got
to get the last word in, huh?
135
00:05:17,430 --> 00:05:19,531
Sure as hell not going
to get the last doughnut.
136
00:05:23,770 --> 00:05:25,103
Oh, good.
137
00:05:25,104 --> 00:05:28,340
Spread the crappy tip
over two tables.
138
00:05:32,979 --> 00:05:34,980
I hope the lasagna's okay.
139
00:05:34,981 --> 00:05:36,048
It's all fat-free.
140
00:05:36,049 --> 00:05:38,950
I used three different
types of cheeses
141
00:05:38,951 --> 00:05:41,787
and diced up fresh tomatoes
and garlic for the sauce.
142
00:05:41,788 --> 00:05:43,055
It's fine.
143
00:05:43,056 --> 00:05:46,558
Well, that's
what I was shooting for.
144
00:05:46,559 --> 00:05:48,610
"fine."
145
00:05:48,611 --> 00:05:51,063
Last chance
to throw in "and dandy"
146
00:05:51,064 --> 00:05:55,133
just to keep a girl
from hanging herself.
147
00:05:55,134 --> 00:05:57,068
What? Oh, I'm sorry,
sweetie. It's great,
148
00:05:57,069 --> 00:05:59,337
and I really appreciate you
going to all the trouble.
149
00:05:59,338 --> 00:06:01,590
Well, you've been working
really hard lately.
150
00:06:01,591 --> 00:06:04,593
So do criminals actually venture
out in this kind of weather?
151
00:06:04,594 --> 00:06:05,910
Not really. Today was mostly
152
00:06:05,911 --> 00:06:07,612
assisting stranded motorists
153
00:06:07,613 --> 00:06:11,083
And helping an old lady chip
her frozen cat out of a tree.
154
00:06:11,084 --> 00:06:14,186
Oh, my god. Please tell me
that didn't actually happen.
155
00:06:14,187 --> 00:06:16,021
I wish I could.
We ended up just sawing off
156
00:06:16,022 --> 00:06:17,989
the whole branch
and leaving it on her porch.
157
00:06:20,159 --> 00:06:22,060
I, for one, appreciate the fact
158
00:06:22,061 --> 00:06:24,963
that there are brave men like
you out there protecting us.
159
00:06:24,964 --> 00:06:26,114
I'll tell you,
the real challenge
160
00:06:26,115 --> 00:06:27,932
is being stuck in a car
with Carl all day.
161
00:06:27,933 --> 00:06:30,402
He's always pushing my buttons,
picking away,
162
00:06:30,403 --> 00:06:31,570
trying to get my goat.
163
00:06:31,571 --> 00:06:33,321
Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.
164
00:06:33,322 --> 00:06:37,209
Well, the important thing is,
you're here now,
165
00:06:37,210 --> 00:06:39,161
and-and we're together.
166
00:06:46,052 --> 00:06:49,137
Hey, I had, uh, quite
the adventure myself today.
167
00:06:49,138 --> 00:06:50,489
We just got
this new vice principal and...
168
00:06:50,490 --> 00:06:52,858
You know what Carl was giving me
a hard time about today?
169
00:06:52,859 --> 00:06:54,025
I don't.
170
00:06:54,026 --> 00:06:55,293
My feet.
171
00:06:55,294 --> 00:06:57,462
He said my feet
smell like cheese.
172
00:06:57,463 --> 00:06:59,964
Parmesan.
173
00:07:02,335 --> 00:07:03,635
Yeah.
174
00:07:03,636 --> 00:07:05,203
But they don't, do they?
175
00:07:08,307 --> 00:07:09,858
No.
176
00:07:09,859 --> 00:07:13,111
God, no.
177
00:07:13,112 --> 00:07:14,646
I don't know how much longer
I can put up with him.
178
00:07:14,647 --> 00:07:16,832
I mean, he's really starting
to drive me crazy.
179
00:07:16,833 --> 00:07:18,816
I understand.
But when you start
180
00:07:18,817 --> 00:07:20,352
to feel yourself
getting mad at him,
181
00:07:20,353 --> 00:07:22,120
just remember he's tired
182
00:07:22,121 --> 00:07:25,690
And overworked, and probably
just needs somebody to vent to.
183
00:07:25,691 --> 00:07:27,175
So do I, but I choose not to.
184
00:07:27,176 --> 00:07:29,027
I suffer in silence.
185
00:07:29,028 --> 00:07:32,197
True.
186
00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:34,900
But if it gets too bad,
187
00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:36,568
you have the option
of venting to me.
188
00:07:36,569 --> 00:07:37,802
Oh, I would never do that.
189
00:07:37,803 --> 00:07:40,505
Our time together is precious.
190
00:07:43,075 --> 00:07:46,545
Well, Carl's not the stoic rock
that you are, sweetie, and...
191
00:07:47,813 --> 00:07:50,015
he doesn't have
a regular girlfriend, and...
192
00:07:50,016 --> 00:07:51,183
I know, I'm all he's got.
193
00:07:51,184 --> 00:07:53,718
Poor little loser.
194
00:07:53,719 --> 00:07:55,520
Be patient with him.
195
00:07:55,521 --> 00:07:57,422
Be the bigger man.
196
00:07:57,423 --> 00:08:00,192
And when he starts
to drive you crazy,
197
00:08:00,193 --> 00:08:01,359
just take a deep breath,
198
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:05,263
And try and remember
that you love him.
199
00:08:05,264 --> 00:08:06,932
It's not going to be easy.
200
00:08:06,933 --> 00:08:09,668
Trust me, it's not.
201
00:08:11,304 --> 00:08:13,438
Now, is there anything I can do
202
00:08:13,439 --> 00:08:16,741
to take care of my big,
strong, hardworking man?
203
00:08:16,742 --> 00:08:19,945
Boy, after dinner,
I'd sure love a foot rub.
204
00:08:23,516 --> 00:08:26,151
Oh, come on.
205
00:08:26,152 --> 00:08:28,570
You can do better than that.
206
00:08:29,689 --> 00:08:32,941
I said anything.
207
00:08:34,126 --> 00:08:36,294
Please.
208
00:08:40,066 --> 00:08:42,567
And just remember,
if you do start to slide,
209
00:08:42,568 --> 00:08:44,669
don't panic, and just
turn into the skid.
210
00:08:44,670 --> 00:08:47,539
Carl, I know how to
operate a motor vehicle.
211
00:08:47,540 --> 00:08:50,175
Mm-hmm. You scored a 62
on your police driver's test.
212
00:08:50,176 --> 00:08:52,344
Give me a break. I
knocked down one cone.
213
00:08:52,345 --> 00:08:54,462
Yeah, and that one cone could
have been an old lady or a baby.
214
00:08:54,463 --> 00:08:55,547
How many babies you see
215
00:08:55,548 --> 00:08:58,049
just laying in the middle
of the road?
216
00:08:58,050 --> 00:09:00,251
One is all it takes.
217
00:09:02,588 --> 00:09:05,223
Not supposed to talk on your
cell phone while you're driving.
218
00:09:05,224 --> 00:09:06,491
I'll keep it short, okay?
219
00:09:06,492 --> 00:09:07,726
The length of the call
doesn't matter.
220
00:09:07,727 --> 00:09:09,261
It's against the law
in the city of Chicago.
221
00:09:09,262 --> 00:09:11,813
Uh-huh. So is murder.
222
00:09:11,814 --> 00:09:13,131
Hey, sweetie.
223
00:09:13,132 --> 00:09:15,400
Just being in the car with you
makes me an accessory.
224
00:09:15,401 --> 00:09:17,168
Oh, yeah. That
will be great.
225
00:09:17,169 --> 00:09:19,371
Sounds like fun.
226
00:09:19,372 --> 00:09:21,072
Very thoughtful.
227
00:09:21,073 --> 00:09:23,308
I could use a little break.
228
00:09:23,309 --> 00:09:25,010
I love you, too.
229
00:09:25,011 --> 00:09:26,878
I'll see you tonight.
230
00:09:26,879 --> 00:09:28,296
What are you talking about,
seeing her tonight?
231
00:09:28,297 --> 00:09:30,115
I just signed us up
for another double shift.
232
00:09:30,116 --> 00:09:31,683
Well, I can't do it.
Molly wants to take me
233
00:09:31,684 --> 00:09:33,951
to the Drake Hotel
for a little in-town getaway.
234
00:09:33,952 --> 00:09:35,387
Call her back
and tell her you can't go.
235
00:09:35,388 --> 00:09:37,155
I can't call her back.
It's against the law
236
00:09:37,156 --> 00:09:38,556
in the city of Chicago.
237
00:09:38,557 --> 00:09:41,059
We're talking
double golden time.
238
00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:42,627
You don't just turn your back
on that kind of money.
239
00:09:42,628 --> 00:09:43,812
Well, I'm sorry.
240
00:09:43,813 --> 00:09:45,897
Unlike you, I'm not ruled
by the almighty dollar.
241
00:09:45,898 --> 00:09:47,799
Yeah. You're ruled
by the almighty girlfriend.
242
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,101
Hey, I do what I want.
She's not the boss of me.
243
00:09:50,102 --> 00:09:51,636
Watch the road!
I am!
244
00:09:51,637 --> 00:09:53,488
Uh-oh.
245
00:09:53,489 --> 00:09:56,908
Turn into it!
Turn into it.
246
00:09:56,909 --> 00:09:58,810
Don't tell me how to drive!
247
00:09:58,811 --> 00:10:00,612
Turn into it.
248
00:10:14,827 --> 00:10:16,194
"hey, Carl.
249
00:10:16,195 --> 00:10:18,129
"why don't you let
me drive today?
250
00:10:18,130 --> 00:10:19,998
That way, you can
relax a little."
251
00:10:19,999 --> 00:10:22,500
You distracted the
driver of the vehicle.
252
00:10:22,501 --> 00:10:24,069
We were having a conversation.
253
00:10:24,070 --> 00:10:25,770
I didn't throw a snake at you.
254
00:10:25,771 --> 00:10:28,206
Why don't you just admit
that you're a crappy driver?
255
00:10:28,207 --> 00:10:30,241
I'm not going to let you
get to me today, Carl.
256
00:10:30,242 --> 00:10:32,377
You know why? Because
I'm the bigger man here.
257
00:10:32,378 --> 00:10:33,978
You're the bigger man
everywhere.
258
00:10:33,979 --> 00:10:36,948
You notice the car didn't
tip over on my side.
259
00:10:36,949 --> 00:10:38,083
Okay.
260
00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:39,484
You need to vent, go ahead.
261
00:10:39,485 --> 00:10:40,752
But it's not going
to change the fact
262
00:10:40,753 --> 00:10:42,554
that you're a loser and
you need to get a life.
263
00:10:42,555 --> 00:10:43,755
Who are you calling a loser?
264
00:10:43,756 --> 00:10:45,123
Molly was right about
you. You're lonely,
265
00:10:45,124 --> 00:10:46,358
you don't have a girlfriend.
266
00:10:46,359 --> 00:10:47,959
You dump all your crap on me.
267
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,427
Oh, I see. So now
you're bad-mouthing me
268
00:10:49,428 --> 00:10:51,463
to your girlfriend now?
That's what you do
269
00:10:51,464 --> 00:10:54,032
when you're in a
healthy relationship.
270
00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:55,800
But you wouldn't know that
271
00:10:55,801 --> 00:10:56,835
'cause I'm all you've got.
272
00:10:56,836 --> 00:10:59,137
And this is not healthy!
273
00:10:59,138 --> 00:11:00,805
You know what?
The hell with you!
274
00:11:00,806 --> 00:11:02,006
I'm out of here.
275
00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:05,143
Man, get off of me!
I wouldn't be on you
276
00:11:05,144 --> 00:11:07,579
if you didn't put the car in a ditch!
Shut up!
277
00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:09,614
You shut up!
278
00:11:16,660 --> 00:11:18,728
Boy, I hope he's okay.
279
00:11:18,729 --> 00:11:20,830
What time was he supposed
to pick you up?
280
00:11:20,831 --> 00:11:22,098
About an hour ago.
281
00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,633
Did you try calling him?
282
00:11:23,634 --> 00:11:25,651
Yeah, I'm just getting
voice mail, and I can't listen
283
00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:27,987
to "Devil went down to Georgia"
one more time.
284
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,322
Maybe he's late
285
00:11:29,323 --> 00:11:33,409
Because he had to stop a
bank heist or defuse a bomb.
286
00:11:33,410 --> 00:11:34,677
I dated a cop once.
287
00:11:34,678 --> 00:11:36,812
It happened to him
all the time.
288
00:11:36,813 --> 00:11:40,149
And it was weird,
'cause he was a mall cop.
289
00:11:41,418 --> 00:11:44,453
It was weird, but I think
we're straying from the...
290
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:45,721
topic at hand.
291
00:11:45,722 --> 00:11:47,256
We had a topic?
292
00:11:47,257 --> 00:11:49,759
Good for us!
293
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,394
I just hope
294
00:11:51,395 --> 00:11:54,146
This little weekend getaway,
you know, helps relax him.
295
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,898
He's been
so stressed out lately,
296
00:11:55,899 --> 00:11:59,235
and he just comes home and eats
and dumps his day on me.
297
00:11:59,236 --> 00:12:02,071
Mm, vince does that
to me constantly.
298
00:12:02,072 --> 00:12:03,939
Well, how do you deal with it?
Well,
299
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:07,376
I try to remember that men
are ruled by testosterone,
300
00:12:07,377 --> 00:12:11,080
which is essentially a poison.
301
00:12:12,449 --> 00:12:15,951
So when you get that big, loud
mouth jabbering in your face,
302
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:18,187
you just say to yourself:
303
00:12:18,188 --> 00:12:22,174
"This is a sick individual.
304
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,494
He is suffering
from semen brain."
305
00:12:28,732 --> 00:12:30,800
Aw, mom,
I don't know what I'd do
306
00:12:30,801 --> 00:12:32,668
without your folksy wisdom.
307
00:12:34,471 --> 00:12:36,672
Oh, my god, Mike,
what happened?
308
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,207
I had a little car accident.
309
00:12:38,208 --> 00:12:40,643
It's nothing... the paramedics
made me wear this thing.
310
00:12:40,644 --> 00:12:41,777
Do you have whiplash?
311
00:12:41,778 --> 00:12:43,479
'cause that can be
pretty serious.
312
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,715
No, nothing like that...
Carl stepped on my neck
313
00:12:45,716 --> 00:12:48,033
climbing out of the car.
314
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:56,459
Ooh, look... they
have a spa here.
315
00:12:56,460 --> 00:12:59,128
Wouldn't it be fun
to get a couples massage?
316
00:12:59,129 --> 00:13:02,832
Hot oil, scented candles,
romantic music.
317
00:13:02,833 --> 00:13:04,700
Eh.
318
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:07,536
What do you mean, "eh"?
319
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,705
I don't like the idea
of strangers touching me,
320
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,891
laying naked on a table
while some ukrainian guy
321
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:15,010
uses my ass as a speed bag.
322
00:13:16,246 --> 00:13:19,849
Okay, that's not how they
describe it in the brochure.
323
00:13:19,850 --> 00:13:21,517
Boy, he is never
gonna let me forget
324
00:13:21,518 --> 00:13:23,018
about putting that
car in the ditch.
325
00:13:23,019 --> 00:13:24,754
"you're a lousy driver!
326
00:13:24,755 --> 00:13:27,223
You knocked down the cone!
You killed the baby!"
327
00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:28,824
A 62 is still
328
00:13:28,825 --> 00:13:31,494
a very respectable score.
329
00:13:31,495 --> 00:13:33,796
Okay, why don't we just forget
about Carl for tonight.
330
00:13:33,797 --> 00:13:36,165
I'm sure Monday morning,
everything'll be back to normal
331
00:13:36,166 --> 00:13:37,399
between you guys.
332
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,784
Oh, I don't know.
In the tow truck,
333
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:40,669
he said he wanted a new
partner... and you know what?
334
00:13:40,670 --> 00:13:42,738
Fine by me.
Good riddance.
335
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,673
Why don't you just call
him and settle this thing?
336
00:13:44,674 --> 00:13:46,242
You'll feel so much
better when you do.
337
00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:49,128
And let him think that he's
ruining our romantic getaway?
338
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:52,214
Ha! I wouldn't give him
the satisfaction.
339
00:13:52,215 --> 00:13:55,785
Yeah, but he kind of is.
340
00:13:55,786 --> 00:13:57,887
Oh, no, he's not... I'm gonna
take a nice, hot shower,
341
00:13:57,888 --> 00:13:59,889
and when I come back,
I'm gonna make sweet love
342
00:13:59,890 --> 00:14:01,824
to my girlfriend,
something Carl can't do,
343
00:14:01,825 --> 00:14:03,993
'cause Carl doesn't have a
girlfriend, 'cause Carl's a loser,
344
00:14:03,994 --> 00:14:06,028
and I'm a winner.
So drop your drawers
345
00:14:06,029 --> 00:14:09,398
and assume the position and get
ready to make love to a winner!
346
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:20,576
Get ready to make love
to a pillow.
347
00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:29,585
Carlton! You keep slamming doors
and stomping around,
348
00:14:29,586 --> 00:14:32,388
and I'm coming up there
with my King James bible
349
00:14:32,389 --> 00:14:34,924
and a whipping belt!
350
00:14:38,512 --> 00:14:42,598
Lord, give me patience
or an untraceable handgun.
351
00:14:44,568 --> 00:14:47,135
Hi. I'm not sure
if you remember me.
352
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,571
You're Michael's
little lady friend.
353
00:14:48,572 --> 00:14:49,972
- Yeah. Molly.
- Of course.
354
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:51,941
Come on in, baby.
355
00:14:51,942 --> 00:14:54,693
Oh, don't tell me
those two idiots
356
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:57,029
dragged you into
this childishness.
357
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,998
Do you have any idea
what they're fighting about?
358
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,833
'cause Mike's not
making any sense at all.
359
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:04,486
Well, whatever it is, I
guarantee you it's stupid!
360
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,821
Sit down.
361
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,290
Last time they had a
big fight like this,
362
00:15:08,291 --> 00:15:12,294
it was over Popeye's chicken
versus Kentucky Fried.
363
00:15:12,295 --> 00:15:14,013
Really?
Mm-hmm.
364
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:17,433
And that one could only be
resolved with a blind taste test.
365
00:15:17,434 --> 00:15:19,268
Yeah, after all that mess,
366
00:15:19,269 --> 00:15:23,439
they both ended up choosing
the other one's chicken.
367
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,441
How often do they
have fights like this?
368
00:15:25,442 --> 00:15:27,243
Couple times a year.
369
00:15:27,244 --> 00:15:29,645
Usually during a cold
snap or a heat wave.
370
00:15:29,646 --> 00:15:32,081
They stay cooped up in
that squad car too long
371
00:15:32,082 --> 00:15:33,782
and start going at each other
372
00:15:33,783 --> 00:15:36,619
Like two monkeys
having a poop fight.
373
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:41,540
What's going on down here?
374
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,459
Like he wasn't sitting
on the top step
375
00:15:43,460 --> 00:15:44,526
listening to every word.
376
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:46,996
Hey, Carl.
377
00:15:46,997 --> 00:15:48,430
Look, if you're here
to apologize
378
00:15:48,431 --> 00:15:50,382
for your boyfriend,
I'm not interested.
379
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:51,467
That's not why I'm here.
380
00:15:51,468 --> 00:15:53,168
That man said
some very hurtful things,
381
00:15:53,169 --> 00:15:55,371
malicious things,
insinuating that I'm cheap.
382
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:59,675
Cheap? Boy wears his underwear
until it disintegrates.
383
00:16:01,511 --> 00:16:05,214
It's like trying
to wash cobwebs.
384
00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:07,016
Look,
all I know is,
385
00:16:07,017 --> 00:16:10,686
I'm trying to have a romantic
weekend with Mike, and...
386
00:16:10,687 --> 00:16:12,922
all he can talk about is you.
387
00:16:12,923 --> 00:16:15,658
Really?
388
00:16:15,659 --> 00:16:17,426
Is that a source
of pride for you,
389
00:16:17,427 --> 00:16:19,328
you masturbating knucklehead?
390
00:16:22,032 --> 00:16:23,299
The boy's so cheap,
391
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:27,736
he's got magazines
dating back to pubic hair.
392
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,738
Okay, well...
393
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:32,708
Let's not open that
can of worms, please.
394
00:16:32,709 --> 00:16:35,511
I was just hoping
that you guys could,
395
00:16:35,512 --> 00:16:37,579
well, work this out.
396
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,014
You heard her.
397
00:16:39,015 --> 00:16:42,434
Pick up the phone right now
and put an end to this mess.
398
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,554
Oh, just because he has a girlfriend,
I'm the one that has to apologize?
399
00:16:45,555 --> 00:16:47,139
No, you're gonna apologize
400
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,924
because it's the
Christian thing to do.
401
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,126
And if you don't,
I'm gonna part your behind
402
00:16:51,127 --> 00:16:54,330
like it's the Red Sea
and my foot is Moses!
403
00:16:56,950 --> 00:17:00,569
You know what? I don't have
to stand here and take this!
404
00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:04,039
All right, sit down if you want,
'cause I'm just warming up.
405
00:17:09,879 --> 00:17:13,048
A man should be treated with
more respect in his own house.
406
00:17:13,049 --> 00:17:16,352
Well, if you ever get one and
I'm ever in it, I'll do that.
407
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:21,640
Do you have somewhere
you need to get to,
408
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:24,293
or would you like
to have a cup of tea?
409
00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:26,829
I'd love a cup of tea.
410
00:17:26,830 --> 00:17:29,798
All right, coming right up.
411
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,402
Molly?
412
00:17:33,403 --> 00:17:36,238
Where you been?
Did you forget your key?
413
00:17:39,843 --> 00:17:42,745
Sending your girlfriend to fight
your fights for you now, huh?
414
00:17:42,746 --> 00:17:44,580
What are you talking about?
Molly went to your house?
415
00:17:44,581 --> 00:17:46,498
Don't act surprised;
it belittles us both.
416
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:50,152
Well, I had no idea she was
gonna go over there. You know,
417
00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:52,487
we used to settle our quarrels
man to man, face to face,
418
00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:53,956
and with the occasional
blind taste test.
419
00:17:53,957 --> 00:17:56,225
But none of this sending a woman
over to a friend's house,
420
00:17:56,226 --> 00:17:59,161
singing sad songs
of erectile dysfunction.
421
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:01,330
She didn't do that.
Yeah, she did.
422
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:05,801
Hey, soon as I got out of the shower,
I was gonna give it to her good.
423
00:18:05,802 --> 00:18:07,603
Well, I'm just
telling you what she said.
424
00:18:07,604 --> 00:18:09,671
She told me and my grandma
that you couldn't perform
425
00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:11,640
your manly duties because
you were thinking about me.
426
00:18:11,641 --> 00:18:14,009
Really? I sent molly
to tell you and your grandma
427
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,360
that I couldn't
deliver the mail...
428
00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:17,479
Does that sound like
a good plan to you?
429
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,982
Well, that's why I came here
to discuss it with you.
430
00:18:19,983 --> 00:18:21,383
I thought it was ill-advised.
431
00:18:21,384 --> 00:18:23,485
Man, I don't know what's
in her head lately.
432
00:18:23,486 --> 00:18:25,354
I mean, I know she's
been missing me,
433
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:29,158
but I had no idea
she'd go rogue.
434
00:18:29,159 --> 00:18:32,127
yeah, we should probably
minimize these double shifts
435
00:18:32,128 --> 00:18:34,696
so she doesn't go completely
off the deep end.
436
00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,433
I'm sorry if she upset you.
437
00:18:39,969 --> 00:18:42,571
It was just startling
more than anything.
438
00:18:43,807 --> 00:18:45,841
Man, this room is nice.
439
00:18:45,842 --> 00:18:50,312
Yeah. There's a jacuzzi tub, a
phone and a tv in the crapper.
440
00:18:50,313 --> 00:18:51,780
Minibar?
441
00:18:51,781 --> 00:18:55,150
Fully stocked, except for the
peanut m & ms and toblerone.
442
00:18:55,151 --> 00:18:57,286
Oh, man, Saint Pauli girl.
443
00:18:57,287 --> 00:19:00,122
Grab two... we'll watch the new Russell
Crowe movie. I can't remember
444
00:19:00,123 --> 00:19:02,274
the last time we went
to a movie together.
445
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:04,193
I do... it was Avatar.
446
00:19:04,194 --> 00:19:07,196
I paid, 'cause you left
your wallet at home.
447
00:19:07,197 --> 00:19:09,264
Fine. I'll give you
the money right now.
448
00:19:09,265 --> 00:19:12,201
- Forget it, it's my treat.
- Ah...
449
00:19:12,202 --> 00:19:14,303
hey, look... we could
get a couples massage.
450
00:19:14,304 --> 00:19:15,637
Hot oil, scented candles...
451
00:19:15,638 --> 00:19:17,706
We could also adopt
a Chinese baby.
452
00:19:17,707 --> 00:19:21,093
Let's start with the movie
and see where it goes.
453
00:19:28,803 --> 00:19:30,920
This is nice.
Next time I get
454
00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:33,156
a regular girlfriend,
I'm gonna bring her here.
455
00:19:33,157 --> 00:19:34,724
You should...
these little getaways
456
00:19:34,725 --> 00:19:37,911
are important
for a relationship.
457
00:19:40,164 --> 00:19:41,398
Oh.
458
00:19:42,183 --> 00:19:45,352
Carl, you're here.
459
00:19:45,353 --> 00:19:47,437
Looks like you made up.
460
00:19:47,438 --> 00:19:48,971
Maybe a little more
461
00:19:48,972 --> 00:19:50,206
than I'm comfortable with.
462
00:19:50,207 --> 00:19:52,175
Uh, we were just
watching a movie.
463
00:19:52,176 --> 00:19:54,861
- You want to join us... we
could scooch over. - No.
464
00:19:54,862 --> 00:19:56,029
You boys enjoy yourself.
465
00:19:56,030 --> 00:19:58,581
I'm gonna take a hot shower,
and by the time
466
00:19:58,582 --> 00:20:01,034
I get out, I want this side
467
00:20:01,035 --> 00:20:03,553
of the bed to be empty.
468
00:20:06,490 --> 00:20:07,490
Got it.
469
00:20:07,491 --> 00:20:08,925
You landed
470
00:20:08,926 --> 00:20:11,361
a good one there, man.
Yeah, she's a sweetheart.
471
00:20:11,362 --> 00:20:13,396
The second you hear
that water turn off,
472
00:20:13,397 --> 00:20:15,265
you'd better have
your ass in the elevator.
473
00:20:15,266 --> 00:20:18,833
Sync and corrections by GeirDM
for www.addic7ed.com